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July 29, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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U.S. Border Fence with Mexico Replaced with Banana Peels
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In a desperate effort to not only protect our borders, but to save the American tax payer's money, the U.S. Senate has authorized the United States' southern border be lined with millions of banana peels.

Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, had this to say, "You will soon see pre-peeled bananas in your grocery stores for no extra charge. En route from Mexico we will continuously peel the bananas imported from Mexico and place them along the nearly 1,300 miles of as yet unprotected border. This will create good American jobs that match our current educational prowess."

Corporal Bob Saget had this to say, "Well, you see ha, ha, ha. We also have these hidden cameras ha, ha, ha. When they try to cross and slip, we'll air the whole scene on our newest show World's Stupidist Illegal Aliens. One guy landed on a cactus and we got this awesome nut shot, ha, ha, ha."

The head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Lisa Jackson, added, "The peels are effective and biodegradable. As for interrupting animal migrational patterns, it's only going to affect the really stupid ones already slated for extinction." The dodo bird was unavailable for comment. "Those few species impacted may also inspire another show, World's Stupidist Desert Animals," said Jackson.

Senator John McCain (AZ) had this to say, "My original idea, at least for Arizona, was to line the border with land mines, but this proved unpopular in recent polling. We seem to be having our own liberal migratory issues these days. I didn't originally like the banana peel idea, but then I realized Mexicans are a proud people and showing up on Bob Fagots show during prime time will embarrass the refried beans out of them."

Is this sheer idiocy or pure genius? What we do know is banana stocks are one of the only stocks on the rise this week. As the U.S. slides into the realm of Banana Republic, this may somehow be a fitting end to America. Let's not forget what Snork from the Banana Splits told us nearly four decades ago, "Let's have a load of banana fun, a lot of fun for everyone...except those damned illegals!"

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