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January 27, 2015
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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The Hand of God
Cthulhu Officially Endorses Palin
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

On August 8th, the undulating Cthulhu endorsed Sarah Palin for President of the United States. This Outer God is often described as ...an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature and is regarded by H.P. Lovecraft as "a pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings." And that’s just Palin.

Dr. Coredonis, a spokesman for Cthulhu, had this to say: "It was Palin’s complete disregard for living things, poor people, animals, and poor animals that first got Cthulhu’s attention. Where others might find her ignorance of human affairs and basic lack of intelligence a negative, we at the Cult find these attributes quite compatible with our needs. The human race is like worms begging at the feet of the great master.  They are akin to a swarm of insects barely deserving of a slap. So who better than Palin as a liaison emissary type?" said Dr. Coredonis.  "With Palin at the helm, you arrogant humans will finally realize how pathetic you truly are. Those of you who don’t take your own lives outright will swear allegiance to the greatness that is Cthulhu!  It will be worse than that the Dukakis bid."

Then the Doctor tried to stab me with a hidden dagger, so I hurled him out of a nearby window—which was, unfortunately, only two stories up. Damn.  So I was forced to finish the interview by interviewing myself:


Alex: "So Alex, what do you think of all this?"


Alex 2: "I’m angry enough to spit bees! This is an insult to mankind, more than that, it’s an insult to America and we’re #1, damnit!  Granted, not in any tangible quantitative way, but certainly in quasi-pseudo flag waving moron kind of way.


I also tracked down our Stalwart correspondent, Jack Primus, to see what he had to say.

"Cthulhu thinks we aren’t in on his strategy, but we are," said Primus. "In my opinion, this is a very simple ploy. If Palin is elected, the Big C thinks we’re finished, but I say ‘Ha’ we’re already finished.  Doesn’t he get anything but Fox News?  You see, the Cult of Cthulhu is waiting for its moment to claim the planet for themselves."

Why is Palin so crucial to the Outer God’s master plan?  Some think it’s her complete disregard for humanity and all life forms.  Still others feel it is her MILFy sexiness that is winning over he who lies sleeping. But how can we even hope to guess the contemplations of a mind that predates mankind by uncountable eons? We can only hope that humanity will survive long enough for me to be able to buy those new jet skis on eBay.

When I finally got an audience with Cthulhu, I asked, "But why not just endorse Bachmann?" 

Cthulhu replied, "I may be the God of undulating doom, but I’m not crazy!"

Speaking of crazy, after that one question, I yanked off my own ears and was then dragged to the nether realms and devoured…which is not any worse than working for Winslow here at the Discord, really.

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