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January 28, 2015
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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Sedona’s Red Rock Café…BWTF?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sedona, AZ—Before I start making fun of the Red Rock Café, I have to say I am a fan of this joint. It’s my favorite coffee shop in this neck of the cacti.  Their Americano is in the zone and, frankly, that’s all that matters.  However, I really need to point out a huge flaw in this establishment’s architectural and ambiancical prowess.  Yes, ambiancical is a word.  I believe the root word, biancical, means of or like Beyoncé.

I only have one bone to pick today (other than Alex).  The Red Rock Café is located just south of Bell Rock on 89A and is actually in Oak Creek—that’s if you want to get technical, which I don’t…so it’s Sedona. Keep in mind, most of Sedona, including this area, is very important to any number of Native American tribes.  This is sacred land, a region revered by many of our native inhabitants.  It’s an area that arguably should never have been built upon in the first place, like Newark.  But, as a coffee enthusiast, I’m all about pissing off the Great Spirit and the horse he rode in on.  Especially if there’s a good grind or a good brew in it for me.  AKA, that’s not what’s pissing me off.  Take a look at this:

Sedona’s Red Rock Café…BWTF?
This is the view from the front window of the coffee shop.  In fact, this is where I’m sitting today to write this desert gem.  A person might say, "Hey, nice view."  But that person would not be from Sedona.  You see, for red rock country this is actually a sad excuse for a vista.  It rates rather poorly on the Sedona scenery scale.  Essentially this is a view of the arm pit of Sedona.  Luckily, it’s Arrid extra dry.  Sorry, edit that one out, Winslow.
So there’s a bathroom located on the north side of the building.  It’s one of those locked versions, the kind you need to go to the counter lady to get the key—where it’s invariably dangling off some large clunky thing—which is why I just pee on the door.  Anyway, the north side of the building only has this bathroom and not much else.   Oh, and remember to step over the yellow puddle on the way in.
Sedona’s Red Rock Café…BWTF?
Sedona’s Red Rock Café…BWTF?

So to my point…which I have arrived at quicker than most of my points, so stop yer bitching.  The picture at left is the view from the rest rooms, seriously.  Come to think of it, I don’t know why I face the door when I pee.  Would that constitute an epiphapee?  Edit that one out too, Winslow.

As I’ve already eluded, there’s no windows or businesses anywhere near the northeastern side of the building.  Now, I don’t blame the Red Rock Café, per se, for this layout catastrophe.  For all I know they are just renting the space, but who decided to piss off the Great Spirit and then F-up the view?  If Native American, coffee-hating ghosts are going to go all Poltergrind on us, shouldn’t it be for a good reason? I want to look at a nice desert-scape while the coffee is going in, not when it’s coming out!  Geesh.  And this is not just a small problem in Sedona.  Many other businesses seem to be architecturally disabled as well.

Maybe they’re just sick of the gorgeous views around here; they’re just burnt on the whole scenic view thing.  Maybe it’s like, "No, no, screw the canyons.  Face this bitch toward the dirt hill with all that scrub brush.  This way, on windy days we can do some tumbleweed spotting.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  Besides, if you want a nice view just climb down on your hands and needs and stare through the restroom vent, jackass."

Look, I don’t like to complain…er, sorry, that’s the joke.

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