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March 16, 2018
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The Chronicles of Jack Primus Book 1
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

The Hand of God
Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?
Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?

Alliance, NE—An unprecedented and quite artistic wave of fecal designs are now dotting the midwestern landscape.  These titanic turds are part of an unexplained phenomenon known as ‘crap circles.’  Unsure of the precise cause, scientists have not ruled out extra terrestrial fecal matter (ETFM).  Local art communities describe the sacred mounds as Fart-Deco.  Could these be the same shitting stars locals are now spotting across the night sky with increasing irregularity?  A total of seventeen such post-intestinistic displays have thus far been discovered. Most of these circular poo piles (CPPs) are located in the corn fields surrounding Alliance, NE. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Lube, is calling these events Close Encounters of the Number 2 kind.  The aged archeologist believes the site’s proximity to Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica created from old cars, is no coincidence.

"Carhenge is an ancient structure that holds unknown energies," said Hogbein of the 1987 constructed sculpture. "It’s also one of the few Midwestern tourist oddities that can be seen from space—er, well, very low space," corrected Hogbein.  "This makes it a great intergalactic restroom of sorts."

Hogbein posits that the deposits originate beyond our solar septic system and, perhaps, some alien race is aiming for Carhenge like a cosmic bull’s-eye.

"Regardless, it lends credence to Hawkins recent statements about avoiding contact with aliens," said Hogbein.  "He, in particular, would have a hard time getting out of the way of one of these plummeting brown beauties." 

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Timber Wolf Mistakenly Reintroduced Into Mall of America
Timber Wolf Mistakenly Reintroduced Into Mall Of America

Bloomington, MN—In a failed attempt to repopulate an endangered member of the canis lupus species, environmental ecologist Ian Green is "deeply sorry" for the death toll and related injuries. Those responsible are calling this incident an "unfortunate oversight".  After the release of 17-timber wolves into the largest mall in the United States the mayhem that ensued can only be described as chaos, as just crashed.

"The food court is a train wreck, but the YouTube video of one of the wolves trying to scale the escalator is worth all the carnage," said one YouWitness.

"The ‘during business hours’ part turned out to be a real issue," said one guard, "You see, we don’t even carry Tasers. We are issued Taser holsters, of course, which acts as a deterrent in certain situations. But this seemed to have no effect on the pack as they devoured our patrons."

The head of mall security added, "The majority of our personnel have attended Taser school, but only a handful received diplomas, or completed the required coursework, or passed our drug screen. Many feel an online Taser school degree has yet to really generate the kind of Taser competency we expect here at the Mall of America, yet my men responded well, especially the dead ones."

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Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values
Ticket Emerges that Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Washington, DC—Earlier today C. Montgomery Burns announced his intention to buy the republican nomination for president in 2016. Not only is the 4th richest man in the world in, but he has already picked a vice presidential running mate, Ebenezer Scrooge. When asked if he was getting a little ahead of himself, Burns said, "Nonsense, the only head of myself is a Buick-sized 14k gold replica hanging in the foyer."

Mr. Burns told reporters, "With the passing of Citizens United primaries are a formality. We currently have a Super PAC that could fund the Death Star, with enough left over for a sporty little Death Moon. Write that down, Smithers! Death Moon. Besides, who else do they have? I haven’t seen a field this empty since last week, when I released the hounds."

If you were to place the skeletons in Mr. Burns’ closet, end to end, some estimate they would encircle the Earth as many as three times, much lower than many of the other republican hopefuls.

Hillary Clinton added, "It’ll be nice to finally run against someone with more baggage than I have."

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Obama Makes Impassioned Plea to Bomb Heaven
Obama Makes Impassioned Plea To Bomb Heaven

Washington, DC—President Obama announced his affinity toward atheism today and then denounced God’s record, both Biblical and present, as being "reckless and shortsighted." Obama told the press, "Let’s face it, our Savior is a douche. The Pope’s recent unwillingness to condemn Syria’s use of chemical weapons and God’s recent watery assault on the Rockies is unacceptable. I would expect this kind of shit from Allah, but not from an American deity."

Secretary of State, John Kerry, added, "Over the parables God has proven himself to be a ruthless, merciless zealot, who must be stopped! Why wait for this diabolical fiend to arbitrarily smite again?"

Whereas Kerry and Obama both acknowledge the statute of limitation has run out on God’s more Biblical shenanigans, they make a compelling case that God’s lofty lair is clearly a danger to the civilized world.

"God makes Assad look like a boy scout," said Obama.  "We know God has used rain, plagues, insects, and a form of high-yield brimstone condemned by the Geneva Conventions. We are not going to sit by idly while God uses these weapons of Sunday-mass destruction, penned in his own hand in Revelations, to end countless innocent lives. The international community must act, or the United States will."

The EU strongly condemns any military action against God, but the Pope hasn’t made up his mind yet.

"I admit it’s a grey area," said the Pope.

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Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting to Schizophrenics
Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting To Schizophrenics

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is embarrassed over leaked information suggesting the government has tormented the severely mentally ill for many years "just for fun." The transmission, which started in the sixties from deep within the Pentagon, has encouraged paranoid schizophrenics to try blocking these signals by donning a tinfoil hat.

Whereas President Obama admits the signal is occurring, he is denying any link between it and the makers of Reynolds Wrap.

Obama told reporters, "This was not my idea. Someone back in the day thought this would be funny. I am not condoning the practice but, had I ended this program amidst our fragile recovery, unemployment numbers would have only risen."

When asked about WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s assertions, which involved the targeting of those suffering from  eating disorders with a "Fat Signal", Obama got testy, "I personally ended Project Hand Wash for the obsessive compulsive and I completely scrapped Operation: Itsy Bitsy Spider for Arachnophobes. Look, you try spending the entire defense budget on just defense."

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Seven Mythical Creatures Dead after Botched Narnian Drone Attack

Narnia—The Shuddering Wood earned its name after two violent explosions occurred earlier today.  The aftermath of a Predator Drone attack left seven innocent mythical creatures dead, dozens injured, and many others asking the question, how could this have happened in a mythical place?  The number of U.S. Drone attacks on Narnian soil has increased markedly in recent weeks, which has further strained Narnian-U.S. relations.  The Pentagon is calling the botched drone attack "a major fuck-up."  Major Fuckup was unavailable for comment. 

Four minotaurs, two centaurs, and one faun were reportedly frolicking near the western end of the Shuddered Wood when eye witnesses claim all hell broke loose.

"It was all really peaceful like and then, all of a sudden, the manure hit the windmill," said Nimienus a local faun.  "That’s not a metaphor, there’s still a clump dangling off one of the mill’s sails."

The Drone attacks were ordered after the Pentagon received what they thought to be a credible tip regarding the whereabouts of the White Witch.  President Obama called the incident "deeply regrettable" and extended his sincerest apology to Prince Caspian.  Obama hopes the White Witch will be apprehended soon and that U.S. and Narnian relations can return toward "an agenda based on mythical goals and mythical respect."

"But until then," Obama warned, "I’m dropping more bombs on that evil bitch’s ass."

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Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"
Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. "We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains."

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, "We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla."

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, "Sometimes, yes, other times not so much."

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Yet Another Empty Discord Apology

Our headline "Go Ahead: Take a Potshot at Obama's Face, Kooks!" should have read "Go Ahead: Take a Photo-op with Obama on Facebook".

"Flogging the Bad Parts to Stimulate Package" should have read "Flagging the Bad Parts of the Stimulus Package".

"Norse God Destroys Navy!" headline should have read "Morse Code Deciphering Baby!"

Finally, there is some lingering doubts regarding the legitimacy of the source behind our headline "God Admits to Fucking with Indonesia 'Just Because'".

Sorry for the wide spread panic and duress these headlines have caused the greater public. The Discord's CEO, Pierce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the mistakes, or as he put it, "The fuck stops beer." Mr. Winslow would like to also apologize for the last typo, as well, and incests, "It will never crap in my den". Mr. Winslow is going to stop commie-venting now for both your own pro-sex-binge and gizz.

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Cruise Captain Burns Down Home During House Arrest!
Cruise Captain Burns Down Home During House Arrest!

Rome, IT—Francesco Schettino, the Captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, is being sought in connection to the fire that consumed his own apartment in Rome Monday. The incident completely torched the 17-unit apartment building in which the Captain was recently confined, pending a full investigation of his recent cruise ship tragedy.

After cooking a Franco American product for dinner, Schettino told the press, "Mistakes were made. I don’t usually cook for myself. I have people for that."

Local authorities claim, Capt. Schettino immediately called the Judge in the Concordia case and said, "The building, she is ablaze!"

The Judge ordered him back into the flaming structure and questioned why he didn’t call the Italian Fire Service first. Capt. Schettino said he tried to, but had already tripped out of the fire escape and landed in an alley dumpster, where he spent the next 45 minutes trying to find his cell phone.

"So whose cell phone are you using to call me?" asked the Judge. Schettino responded with a crackling noise as if he was losing the signal and then hung up.

Capt. Schettino allegedly tried to follow the judge’s order by reentering the building, but somehow jammed his recently recovered cell phone into the base of the lobby’s revolving door, trapping several dozen egressing tenants inside of the burning structure. Authorities claim Schettino did manage to set off a warning flare that only served to set fire to a nearby building. The Captain later admitted, "Flares seem to work best over water."

The controversial Captain also denies sailing the apartment building too close to the rocky shoreline on a request from the women in 3B. "That’s just silly," said Schettino. "And, as for the fire, it could not have been prevented. The fire extinguisher malfunctioned and shot a white powdery substance right into my face."

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Obama Falls Behind on White House Mortgage Payments
Obama Falls Behind on White House Mortgage Payments

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama admitted during a press conference today that the recent rumors are true: the Obama Administration has fallen behind on its mortgage payments. However, the President is adamantly denying claims he and his family will be forced to move out of the White House and into the audio visual room at the Library of Congress.

When asked how this happened, Obama did not blame his own economic team, but instead pointed the finger at his predecessor. "You would think this bitch would have been paid off centuries ago, but old W did some kind of reverse mortgage thing that botched everything up," said Obama.

Rush Limbaugh immediately defended our former President. "Obama can’t blame Bush on this one. He has been in that house for three years. This is his mortgage and he needs to take responsibility for his own financial failings."

Ironically, Obama does not qualify for any of his own mortgage relief programs. "They suggested I fall behind another couple of payments before even applying," said Obama. "Who dreamt this shit up?"

When asked if he planned to move his family into the Jefferson Memorial, Obama said, "Too drafty. There are some good rates over at the Watergate Hotel in Foggy Bottom, but I could just see the headlines now."

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Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate
Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is struggling with its own identity as they may well lose the 2012 election, despite a toxic economy not seen since their guy. They really haven’t been able to narrow down the field to that one candidate who will best bring about the rapture.

"We lost Trump, Beck, and Palin," said radio talk show personality, Rush Limbaugh, "anyone of whom is unstable enough to meet our needs. Then came Perry, because we thought, hmmm, only a swaggering Texan could pick up where W left off."

To the horror of the GOP, Republican candidates are imploding right and righter.

"It’s not so much their gross lack of understanding of foreign and domestic policy," said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. "That’s part of the GOP’s charm, but they’re clearly underachieving in the ever-important ‘I-would-like-to-have-a-beer-with-you’ likability scale."

"They’re just not BBQ friendly," said Limbaugh. "Perry would lose track of the conversation and then probably vomit on you. Cain would immediately start to demean and grope all of your women folk and Michele Bachmann, hell, if her anti-psychotics dip below the therapeutic dosage, she’ll be grilling your pets!"

"We despise Ron Paul for being way too correct about stuff years ago," added Hannity, "and Newt Gingrich only scores well on the ‘I-would-like-to-dump-a-beer-on-your-head’ dickishness scale. So it looks like we’re forced to go with the flip-flopping, magic underwear-wearing moderate."

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Mothman Found Dead!
Mothman Found Dead!

Point Pleasant, WV—The creature that terrorized a small West Virginia town in the late sixties was pronounced dead this morning by local entomologists.  Apparently, this legendary winged monster finally met its match after flying repeatedly into a porch light in front a residence on Jones Street.  Authorities say Mothman did not die on that porch, but managed to flap over to his west side apartment, where he posted his farewells on Facebook and Twitter.

Mman7 Moth Man
I’m like, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH!! BWTF!!!
6 seconds ago

Mothman’s last Facebook session involved ‘unfriending’ Bigfoot and then telling his Facebook fans, "I only regret not being able to scare the shit out of and/or maul the lot of you!" 

He also blamed the lack of recent Mothman sightings on misidentifications.

"People always think I’m the Jersey Devil, or Batman, or something.  ‘Hey look, Batman.’  Hell-oo!  This isn’t Jersey and it certainly aint Gotham-friggin’-City, lady!  I’m a moth!  I’ve even tried stalking that Monster Quest team for months, but those morons couldn’t even find a Megaladon if it swam up and bit em’ on the ass."

Mothra and the surviving members of the band, Iron Butterfly, attended the funeral, but left shortly after the Lochness Monster arrived, quite intoxicated.

"It kept saying the same joke all night," said Mothra.  "Take my wife, plesiosaur.  What does that even mean?"

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Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign
Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign

Wasilla, AK—Earlier today Sarah Palin announced her intentions to donate the parts of her brain associated with higher executive function to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.  The two are believed to have made a pact that if only one should run for president, the other would donate her grey matter to the cause.  Palin and Bachmann will undergo a controversial procedure previously only accomplished in film and television. 

"They will be an unstoppable force," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill.   "Just think of it…the petty, childlike cognitions of Palin enhancing the flaky, almost psychotic neural misfirings of Bachmann.  They’ll be the perfect Republican candidate!"

Scores of flag waving morons are already gathering around Palin’s old Wasilla home with pitchforks and torches of encouragement.  Palin spent the last several hours reminding the mob, via megaphone, that her brain should only be removed at the time of the transfer by proper licensed neurocosmotologists.

The Daily Discord covered a similar story in June of 2008.   Their controversial coverage involved the conjoined Obama/Hillary ticket, O’Hillary.  Sadly, the Discord staff has yet to come up with an appropriate name for the conjoined ticket of Senators Al Franken and Diane Feinstein.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein
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Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon
Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon

Abbottabad, PK—In conjunction with Pakistani authorities, the U.S. Government has now released the details of the final hours of Osama Bin Laden’s life.   The Al-Qaeda leader, loving father and husband, spent his last 36 hours on this planet watching a Baywatch marathon on Pakistan’s popular Channel Two. 

Reports from Navy SEAL commandos are conflicting, however, bringing further shame to the Obama Administration.   One commando reports Bin Laden was watching episode 52, Princess of Tides, while a second thought it was the popular season five finale, Wet n’ Wild.

One SEAL was only able to report, "He was watching a TV show, somethin’ about lifeguards or somethin’."

That commando has since been relieved of his duties. 

Local Pakistanis report strange activities at the compound, which usually heightened to a fevered pitch around 8:00 PM Abbottabad time, precisely when Baywatch airs.

"He loved Baywatch and he loved David Hasselhoff most of all," said wife number four.  "But not in a gay kind of way."

Trapped in a compound with only six channels was not always easy for the Bin Ladens.  Osama felt Baywatch episodes were a little respite from all the death in his life.  After planning some sinister jihadist suicide bombing, or a terror plot against the unholy infidels, Bin Laden liked to kickback with some Cheetos—intelligence suggests he preferred the crunchy variety to the puffy kind—and then he hit those golden TV-Land beaches.  Reports suggest Bin Laden kept close tabs on Hasselhoff as to avoid "blowing him into tiny infidel pieces."  Interviews with locals suggest that just as U.S. forces raided the compound, Bin Laden was completely engrossed in the all day marathon, thus sealing his fate (pardon the pun).

Conflicting reports by commandos regarding the type of Cheetos has also shamed the Obama Administration. 

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Japanese Nuclear Engineers Seeking "Expert" Advice from Springfield Man
Japanese Nuclear Engineers Seeking "Expert" Advice from Springfield Man

Fukushima, Japan—The Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has realized, if shredded newspaper has failed to stop radioactive sea water from spilling into the Sea of Japan, it’s time to bring in the big guns.  There is one notorious nuclear power plant in the Midwestern Unites States that has seen more nuclear mishaps and meltdowns than any other.  Japan is seeking a representative from this plant to think outside the partially-exploded-and-seeping box. 

A plaque on the desk of one Homer J. Simpson reads Chernobyl is for Beginners.  Simpson, a long time employee of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is believed to hold unique knowledge of meltdown situations.  The owner of the plant, C. Montgomery Burns, would like the exact location of the facility to remain secret.  Mr. Burns would also like to dispel any rumors of a connection between himself and Rupert Murdoch, the Koch Brothers, as well as the unidentified body that washed ashore at the Springfield reservoir yesterday. 

Simpson was singled out by the Japanese for being either directly or indirectly involved with every major problem at the plant for the last twenty years.

"He has experiences in this area like no other," said Akira Endo of TEPCO.  "He may hold the key."

The initial teleconference with Mr. Simpson was riddled with technical difficulties as Simpson repeatedly hit the mute button while talking and then shouted "OVER!" before releasing said button.  Once these issues were resolved the meeting was initially soured by Simpson’s first suggestion, "Did you try shredded newspapers?"

Ultimately the engineers at TEPCO were happy with the outcome of the meeting.  While the content of the conversation remains classified, a reporter was able to obtain one sentence of the notes: "Employ bird shaped perpetual-motion device to keep pressing vent button."  American nuclear scientists are puzzled by the suggestion and have no idea what it means. 

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In Search of the "God Particle" LHC Finds Something Completely Different
In Search of the "God Particle" LHC Finds Something Completely Different

Geneva, SW—LHC, the world’s largest high-energy particle accelerator, is back in the news again. After bombarding two particles at near light speeds earlier today, a flaming eye-like arc formed across one of the accelerator’s key detectors.

"This is completely unlike anything we’ve seen to date," said senior research scientist, Lucas Taylor. "I think it’s safe to say our detector has, in fact, detected something."

According to eyewitnesses, what really shocked everyone was when the fiery eye exclaimed, "You cannot hide! I see you. There is no life in the void, only death."

"When quantum life attempts to communicate, it’s pretty momentous stuff," said Taylor. "The voice seemed to come from inside our own heads which was, perhaps, the most fascinating part of the experience."

When questioned about any potential danger to mankind, Taylor replied, "What can I say? Sometimes you go looking for the ‘God Particle’ and shit happens."

Some are calling the apparition the Higgs-Sauron Particle, in honor of the dark sorcerer from J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, LHC administrators are maintaining that the atypical and combative personality changes running rampant through their ranks is "merely a coincidence."

"Most of the workers have abandoned their duties in the last few hours and seem content to clearing the trees surrounding the facility," said Taylor. "It’s apparently all for some insidious weapons-making-purpose."

But Taylor reassured the media that LHC administrators are "looking into that."

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Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup
Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup

Tripoli, LY—In what many are calling a "sad" and "pathetic" maneuver, Muammar Gaddafi made numerous calls to comedians this week for one last ditch effort to quell the masses.  Gaddafi then broadcast a seventeen minute comedy act to the entire nation of Libya on Thursday.

"Not watching the performance was a capital offense," said a resident of Benghazi, "which, may have squelched some of the initial enthusiasm."

The despot’s plan was to create the perfect standup routine to win back the hearts and minds of his people.  Granted, it was a feat made more difficult by strafing his own people with military jets the day before, but if anyone could pull it off, it was him.

Gaddafi opened his act with "I shot a protestor in my pajamas this morning.  How he got my pajamas, I don’t know," and, "Firing missiles into crowds of my own people may seem heavy-handed, well excuuuuuuuuse meeeee!" 

He then, apparently, channeled Rodney Dangerfield by adding, "I don’t get no respect."

There was no joke before or after his statement, he just kept repeating it.

At one point, Gaddafi actually stopped the act and said, "Have you all failed to notice the arrow that seemingly passes through my head?"

"He died out there," said a once loyal tribal leader.  "There were long awkward pauses where he thought people would be laughing.  Didn’t anyone tell him there was no live audience?  Of course, if there had been, we would have rushed the stage…but not in the way he would have liked.  If he had only done something with a pie to the face, now that would have been something."

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47 Hobbits Missing While Working on Google Middle-Earth Project
47 Hobbits Missing while Working on Google Middle-Earth Project

Hobbiton—47 hobbits are missing and presumed dead after Google sent hundreds of unarmed Shire folk into the wilds of middle-Earth to draw the surroundings of each and every path. The ambitious plan was to cover all the land from the Grey Mountains to Mordor. Despite being nearly five years into the project, only an estimated two percent of middle-Earth has been captured in their Path View.

The partially eaten remains of Bimbo Boffin of Bugger Downs was found in a tree north of Bree, and the torn and bloodied clothing of Friskycoot Titgroper of Hobbiton was found in a warg den in the heart of the Misty Mountains.

"We sincerely hope the rest of the Hobbits all make it back safe and sound," said Google CEO, Larry Page. "We only went with Hobbits after the Riders of Rohan and the men of Gondor told us to piss off."

Page went on to extend his deepest sympathies to the families of those devoured.

Page also told reporters, "Google is sending people to help find the other 45 missing Hobbits and that all Path View activity has been suspended until a better strategy, one that doesn't involve Hobbits in any way, can be developed."

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All Two Hundred "N" Words Removed from Huckleberry Finn Resurface in Hillary Clinton’s Publication It Takes a Village
All Two Hundred "N" Words Removed from <i>Huckleberry Finn</i> Resurface in Hillary Clinton’s Publication <i>It Takes a Village</i>

Washington, DC—Soon after a professor from Auburn University, Allen Gribben, set to the task of removing all 200 instances of the word "nigger" [Winslow: yeah, I printed it] from the Mark Twain classic Huckleberry Finn, something very strange occurred.  A week later all 200 of the stricken "N" words appeared inexplicably dispersed amidst Hillary Rodham Clinton’s 2006 classic, It Take a Village.

"It’s amazing that anyone discovered the culturally insensitive words so quickly as who would be reading that shit?" said an undisclosed White House spokesperson.

Every copy in existence seems effected, which the gifted physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking describes as "odd." 

These two disturbing occurrences occur in the section on gun control:

The Brady Bill, which my husband signed into law in 1995, imposes a five-day waiting period for gun purchases, time enough for authorities to check out a ("N"-word)’s record.

After many years of working with and listening to American adolescents, I don't believe they are ready for ("N"-word)s or their potential consequences.

Hillary Clinton reports being "mortified" by the discovery and has already set to the task of crossing out every "N"-word in her book in any and all copies, "…before Michelle finds out."  Of course, Mrs. Clinton is not doing this personally—she reports having "people for that."

Neither Simon nor Schuster were available for comment.

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Professor Changes Twain Classic to The Adventures of Dingleberry Dan
Professor Changes Twain Classic to <i>The Adventures of Dingleberry Dan</i>

Auburn, AL—A professor from Auburn University, Allen Gribben, has sparked considerable controversy this week by opting to rewrite the Mark Twain classic, Huckleberry Finn.

Gribben claims, "No one reads that old shit anymore.  I thought to myself, how can our literary classics start competing again with the likes of YouTube, video games, and episodes of Jersey Shore?" 

When asked why he went with The Adventures of Dingleberry Dan, Gribben felt the name more accurately captured the essence of his less savory, hipstery main character.  Gribben hopes that by using more colloquial language in the rewrite and by adding some gratuitous sex scenes, it will actually help reintroduce Twain to the next generation.  Captain Picard was unavailable for comment.

Gribben also reports tampering with Tom Sawyer as well.  In the new version, Injun Joe’s character is a casino owning drunkard known as Rez-Rat Rick and Som Thawyer tortures animals and sets Aunt Polly on fire after she asks him to do the dishes.  Gribben created this character with the hopes that it would "better resonate with today’s youth" and claims he changed the main character’s name because "Tom Sawyer is now completely associated with that Rush song.  What was the name of that again?"

Even Mark Twain’s famous penname itself is apparently not sacred as Gribben changed it to Marked Taint.  Apparently, his real name is deemed too offensive to Shania Twain, who can now be found sharting uncontrollably throughout the revised version of Chapter four.

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Discord Seeks Mob Protection from Devo
Discord Seeks Mob Protection from Devo

Lodi, NJ—The Discord’s Bald Tony met with Frankie Vincent, of Sopranos and Goodfellas fame, to discuss their "situation" with a radicalized, extremist pop-band known as Devo. This group is threatening violence in response to intentions to destroy several Duran Duran albums during the Discord’s highly controversial event Burn Duran Day.

Bald Tony reports negotiations at an undisclosed location over pasta went well last night.

Vincent told the Discord staffer, "Consider the problem solved. They’re nerds."

Bald Tony reports the meeting was cordial but intimidating.

"I just kept thinking, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes…then, the first thing out of my mouth is, ‘so this horse’s head, Joe Pesci, and a Port Authority employee walk into a bar...’"

 It all ended well, apparently, although no one has seen or heard from Tony since Operation Cannoli went into effect yesterday evening.

"We underestimated the response," said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We had no idea how many people still liked Duran Duran. We have suspended Burn Duran Day indefinitely, and we are probably just going to go drinking instead."

When asked if any members of the Daily Discord might forge ahead with the scheduled album burning, Winslow said, "No. They really like drinking.  Besides, they’re not worried about any backlash; they just don’t finish anything they start. Take this post, for example, they were supposed to…

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Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff
Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff

Philadelphia, PA—A radicalized pop band calling themselves The People’s Republic of Devo are sticking up for the popular 80s band, Duran Duran.  They are calling for the heads of all Discord staffers in response to the ezine’s controversial decision to burn 16 copies of Rio this Saturday at the Liberty Bell Pavilion.

"They should die," said front man, Mark Mothersbaugh.  "horribly if possible.  This is an affront to Bowie the Goblin King and all things 80s.  Think about it, what would 80s night be like without Rio?  It would be as bad as a fucking 90s night, if you can imagine that."

CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is firing back—out of the side window of his Buick GNX.  "Yeah, I’m packing and I am defending my 2nd and my 18th Amendment rights."

When it was pointed out the 18th Amendment involved the repeal of prohibition, Winslow said, "Yeah…drinking, shooting, and driving.  What did you think I was talking about?"

The FBI and local law enforcement personnel are encouraging the main contributors of The Daily Discord to take this threat seriously and are suggesting they all lay low for a while.

"Just look at those orange hats," said Springfield Police Chief Clancy Wiggum.  "According to the MTV archives, they’re packing whips too.  Not to mention, they’re probably all doped up on goofballs."  

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Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!
Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!

Philadelphia, PA—In what is being hailed as "the copycat publicity stunt from hell", the Daily Discord plans to burn old Duran Duran albums en mass next Saturday.  According to inside sources, Discord staffers have accumulated 16 of the band’s albums, mostly Rio, as well as one of the bassist’s rarer solo albums (Dave Atsals is a huge fan).  Unless their demands are met, the Discord is planning this pop-pyre at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philadelphia, PA, on the anniversary of the cancellation of Celebrity Family Feud

When asked about these demands, the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, channeled a certain teen beauty queen. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, uh—"

"We will burn all of these albums onto our hard drives," cut in the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. "Muslims hate illegal downloads.  It makes them crazy…er, crazier."

He then recited a strange variation of Churchill’s speech, with lyrics such as: "We shall fight them on the bitches!" to the backdrop of his fellow Discordians belting out one of the worst renditions of Hungry Like the Wolf ever karaoked.  The unauthorized press conference ended when the Philadelphia Police Department tear gassed the lot.

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Kobe Bryant to Announce Location of Next Planned Sexual Assault in One-Hour Special Announcement
Kobe Bryant to Announce Location of Next Planned Sexual Assault in One-Hour Special Announcement

Los Angeles, CA—Not to be outdone, LA Laker MVP, Kobe Bryant, has decided to take a page from the LeBron James playbook.  In reaction to LeBron’s highly rated telecast "The Decision," Bryant will be announcing the city where he plans his next unwanted, lewd sex acts during a special one-hour announcement, entitled "The Indiscretion."  Bryant is planning on doing something inappropriate to someone, but he’s not saying where—at least, not until his show airs on ESPN at 8PM next Thursday.  In a whimsical fashion, Bryant explained to the press his intentions to "take his talents to some bitch."  An obvious reference to LeBron’s comment last week, "I’m taking my talents to South Beach."      

When Bryant was asked why the copycat ploy, Bryant called it "a tit for a tat."  He hopes to roll into town next week and steal some of the thunder from LeBron’s publicity stunt, as well as some unwilling snatch.

"It’s win-win," said Bryant.

Many of America’s mayors are offering the key to their cities to Bryant, along with their daughters, wives, and significant others.  Mayor Bloomberg of New York is allegedly sweetening the pot for Bryant if he chooses the Big Apple.

"This will be just like the movie Indecent Proposal," said Bloomberg.  "Only minus the proposal part."

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Bat Boy of Weekly World News Mauls The Onion’s Area Man
Bat Boy of Weekly World News Mauls The Onion’s Area Man

Chicago, IL­ - The Onion’s Area Man, known for such cutting edge commentary as Area Man Depressed Despite Happy Hour and Area Man to Rent All Planet of the Apes Movies, has been seriously injured by Bat Boy. Bat Boy, of Weekly World News fame, is known for such controversial headlines as Bat Boy Uses Radar to Procure Hookers as well as Bat Boy On Ice!

The handlers of Bat Boy claim, "He’s just an excitable Bat Boy."

They also believe Area Man must have taunted him, or said something to offend Bat Boy’s delicate sensibilities.

"Or he was just hungry," added Gob Breenberger, editor of the Weekly World News. "Bat Boy eats twice his own body weight each day, which is why we don’t usually let him out unsupervised."  When asked why he was out unsupervised, Breenberger said, "I said usually, asshole."

On a related note, Batman denies fathering Bat Boy and was unavailable for comment.  However, the following entry appeared on Batman’s Facebook page yesterday, "If that psycho bitch goes for child support, I’ll introduce her to my Bat Bat."  Batman went on to complain about his continued efforts to find an appropriate name for his baseball bat.

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City’s Expansion of Zombie Addiction Clinic Questioned
City’s Expansion of Zombie Addiction Clinic Questioned

Santa Fe, NM— Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is under increasing scrutiny for his downtown zombie treatment center.

"Look, if we even get twenty-percent of all zombies to forgo brains, it could be the difference between our survival or extinction during the next zombie uprising," said Hogbein.

Hogbein boasts the staff-to-client ratio at his W. Rodeo Lurch-In Clinic is excellent, "Or the staff would be eaten."  The program is spiritual based and follows the ‘12 Stagger Model,’ wherein each zombie is taught that ‘one brain is too much and a thousand is never enough.’

Dr. Hogbein feels zombies are a misunderstood, and ultimately redeemable, species.  A second program at the institute involves teaching the more chronic living-impaired to only eat the brains of other zombies.

"Zombies are smarter than eats the eye," said Hogbein, laughing.  "After all, you can’t argue that brain is brain food."

When questioned further, Hogbein admitted none of his consumers have made it past Stagger One, which states: We admitted to ourselves that we are powerless over brains and that our deaths have become unmanageable.

The Institute’s plans for a Radioactively Enlarged Insect Wellness Clinic and an Alien Gestalt Therapy Center are also under growing scrutiny from city officials.

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Toyota Announces Fix for Stuck Gas Pedals and Failed Brakes
Toyota's new emergency arrest system

Toyota announced their fix for the stuck gas pedal problem on some of their most popular models, as well as the brake failure problem on their hybrid Prius.

"We have a sorution.  One fix fol arl moders," said Toyota spokesman Heowaki Kausakarastinki, in a culturally insensitive dialect.

The sorution, uhh, solution, involves the installation of an emergency arrest system activated by pressing a large red button, depicted above, located on the steering wheel.

Kausakarastinki claims the inspiration came from those Staples Easy Button commercials. The fix is available immediately at no charge to the consumer, but it does significantly reduce luggage capacity in the trunk of most models.

Kausakarastinki warns that the button should never be used to deter tailgaters, but he believes the device will gradually have a positive impact on traffic patterns in the future across our great country. 

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Obama Admits The Count Tallied Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package
Obama Admits The Count Tallied Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is investigating its own near-criminal inflation of the total jobs created by the stimulus plan. Some of the problem is due to the questionable decision to hire The Count von Count, of Sesame Street fame, to tally the numbers.

"It started out well enough," said stimulus overseer Ed DeSeve.  "He counted full-time jobs created by the stimulus package, then he counted part-time jobs created by the stimulus package, and then at some point he started counting ceiling tiles."

According to witnesses, The Count started the project with, "One! One job created by the stimulus package, ah, ah, ah...  Two! Two jobs created by the stimulus package, ah ah ah…" but, by day twelve, The Count was overheard saying, "Four! Four thousand cars on the Southeast Freeway, ah, ah, ah…"

"We knew right then we were screwed," said DeSeve.  "I told Barak that we should have gone with Grover."

The Obama Administration is trying to put the best spin possible on the matter.

"It’s not known when The Count transitioned from counting real jobs to counting random inanimate objects," said Obama, "but we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that some of those early numbers were legitimate jobs created."

Obama is denying allegations that he had planned to name The Count his Enumeration Czar in early February.

"I would also like to dispel any rumors that Burt or Ernie will be my next Family Values Czarinas."

Washington insiders believe neither Ernie nor Burt have spoken to the president since his stance on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

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H1N1 Straining Human/Cyborg Relations

Washington, DC - World leaders met at the White House today to address the critical issue of our time.

“The time for debate is over,” warned President Obama.  “An appropriate name for the current pandemic virus must be found.”

The World Health Organization has thus far been unable to find a politically correct name for this dangerous strain of influenza.  The original designation, Swine Flu, was deemed offensive to the Jewish community, and the second attempt, Mexican Flu, immediately angered the Mexican “Government”.  The third and little known suggestion, Mexico Shitty, never made it through the testing process.  Even the seemingly generic title H1N1 is now apparently straining human/cyborg relations.  The ACME line of H1N1 house droids, a distant cousin of the R2 unit, are outraged that their name is being used in such a fashion.

One H1N1 unit had this to say, “001011001101010, bitches!”

In an effort to smooth over this increasingly tense situation, the World Health Organization is suggesting that H1N1 be renamed one last time. 

“After much debate,” said Obama. “I am happy to announce that the flu will from hence forth be known as Piggy Pox.”

In a preemptive move, Obama also suggested that Miss. Piggy, “Zip it.”

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Clinton Admits the Two Girls He Brought Back From His Oriental Envoy Are Not the Missing Journalists

Los Angeles, CA - The Ling and Lee families are now claiming that the two women former President Bill Clinton returned from North Korea are not their loved ones. Clinton was initially stunned by the allegations. 

“Laura Ling and Euna Lee are home safe and sound,” insisted Clinton.  “They were treated well by their North Korean captors, and they were both very grateful, to me personally, for their new found freedom.”

Clinton then repeated the words “very grateful” several times while giggling to himself.

When reporters asked why the Ling family is considering legal action over what they are describing as an “emotional rollercoaster,” Clinton stiffened. “Those ungrateful bastards!  I go through all the trouble of wooing those little...all right. I admit it. Mistakes may have been made.  I get a little overexcited when Hillary let’s me leave on a road trip un-chaperoned, if you know what I mean.”

Clinton faltered further as the press conference turned ugly.  He came up with several reasons, one more ridiculous than the next, as to why the misidentification was not his fault.

“After all,” said Clinton, “there was certainly a chance, albeit a slim one, that these women were Laura and Euna.”

At one point during the heated press conference, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with those hookers.”

Mr. Clinton apologized to the Ling and Lee families in a heartfelt poetic speech.

He then asked, “If it’s not too much trouble, could you send the girls back over to my place.  Tell them it’s for their debriefing, but briefs are optional, if you follow.”

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Archeologist Ignores Disembodied Call of Subterranean Old Ones

Arkham, MA - When a mysterious summons ebbed from a newly formed fissure in the Earth’s crust, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Boutique, decided, in his own words, to “give it a miss”. The aged archeologist felt that climbing through the nethermost caverns to the ancient tomb of Yog-Sothoth in the heart of the deep-frozen city “just sounded like a bad idea.”  Hogbein asserts that the huge sinkhole formed in his backyard shortly after poring over a grimoire known only as the Necronomicon.  A tentacled god-like beast from unknown Kadath then psychically reached across the void and asked Hogbien if he wouldn’t mind tearing out his own throat and bringing him the ancient text, in no particular order. Hogbein reportedly apologized for any inconvenience, but denied the request on the grounds that he really needed to do some laundry and get to the bank that day. 

“I don’t know why anyone would wade down through the subterranean Black Lake of Ubboth when there are perfectly reasonable things to do around the house,” said Hogbien.  “Some people take this archeology thing a bit too far.” Although, to be polite, he did tell the monstrous inter-dimensional entity, “maybe next time.”

According to Hogbien the hole has since resealed itself.

When asked if he had any regrets about not climbing into what might have been the archeological discovery of a lifetime, Hogbien replied, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”

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Intercourse, PA - Our own Ghetto Shaman is contesting allegations that David Carradine, the former television and movie star, hung himself in an autoerotic- asphyxiation session gone bad.

“He just wasn’t like that,” explains the Shaman.  “Sure he made me wear a clown costume and called me his ‘young grasshopper,’ but otherwise he was a missionary-only man.”

The Ghetto Shaman sends his condolences to the Carradine family and is wondering if he might get his Blood on the Tracks Dylan CD back, “if it’s not too much trouble.”

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Easter Special Edition:
Jesus Lives!

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the "gimme gimme's", the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He's trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”

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Obama Administration Already Low on Promises

Washington, DC – President Obama admitted to the American people this week that the government is dangerously low on promises.  It is feared the U.S. Government can not maintain sustained growth without more, much needed, unrealistic promises.

“The promises we had in the Federal Reserve are all but gone.” warns Obama, “Only by manufacturing more vital, yet empty, promises can we hope to lead the global market from the brink of destruction.”

Obama vows not to use as many promises in the future.

“We have already taken away all of V.P. Joe Biden’s promises,” said Obama, but added that stretching out the remaining promises “won’t be easy.”

The President is urging the American people to sooth themselves with the promises already promised, so as to stretch out the current supply. President Obama is denying allegations that members of his administration have initiated talks to purchase shoddily manufactured promises, in bulk, from China. Obama promises that this is not the case.  Doh!

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AC/DC Admits All Nineteen Albums Really Just One Long Song

Angus Young of the Australian hard rock band AC/DC admitted during a congressional hearing this week that all nineteen of the band’s studio albums were written during one lost weekend in Sidney. The drug-induced recording session occurred in early 1973 while under the influence of beer, whiskey, and a powdery substance, possibly crystal meth.  The band originally named the twenty-seven hour long song AC/DC.  This title only became the band’s name after the 73’ recording session, primarily because the next day no one could recall their original name (which Mr. Young believes started with a B). On a related note, Adult Protective Services are currently pressing charges against the band’s manager for the long and grueling exploitation of these severely mentally ill individuals.  Dr. Stempen would like the band members to know they can always “come home.”  Food and injectable psychotropic medication are ready upon their arrival.  Dr. Stempen wants Angus to know that the wardrobe rules at Fairview Pines have relaxed.

“You can wear your knickers whenever and wherever you want.”  Shirts are now only required during visiting hours.  Also, the nursing staff has completely forgiven Malcolm for the “sponge bath incident.” 

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Ancient Skeletal Remains May Just Be Keith Richards

The skeletal remains of a two-thousand year old corpse found buried alongside of a bottle of Smirnoff in the sands of the Philippines, may simply be that of rock icon Keith Richards. The rock legend has been missing since a party held last Friday night.

“Sometimes Mr. Richards gets bombed, other times he gets embalmed,” explained Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop.

The aged archeologist reports that halfway through the excavation Mr. Richards stood up, mumbled something to his crew, and then staggered back toward Manila.  Undeterred by the setback, Hogbein has named the find Homo Britvodkus and announced that “before there was a Java Man, there was a Vodka Man.”

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Dexy of the Midnight Runners Vows Second Hit Coming

Dexy, of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, is off of his meds and back on the musical warpath. Several decades without a follow-up hit have not dampened the band’s hopes of a full resurgence.  When questioned about the band’s perpetual one-hit-wonder status, Dexy retorted, “What about Come on Eileen: Unplugged and Come on Eileen: the Instrumental?”  In a Discord Exclusive, Dexy told our own Cokie McGrath that the band is planning to name their upcoming chart topper, Come On Eileen…Really Already. I Mean for Fuck’s Sake, Woman.  Dexy later admitted this title might be shortened, edited, or set ablaze in a brown paper bag upon someone’s doorstep.

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World Economy so Bleak Japanese Cheer Godzilla’s Return

Yesterday marked the first time that crowds did not flee in panic over Godzilla’s emergence from Tokyo Bay.  The day ended in the loss of over 1000 points in their stock market, as well as the destruction of nearly half of the Island of Japan.  The change of heart comes as Japan’s stock market tumbled for the third straight week.  “No one would be able to leave the island anymore to flood foreign tourist attractions, and ‘death by Godzilla’ sure beats jumping out of a window,” states Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso.  “Besides,” continues Aso, “fire is an act of purification…if, said fire, is coming out of the mouth of a seven story lizard, so be it.”

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Is Obama Taking This Cabinet-of-Rivals-Thing Too Far?

President-elect Barak Obama has reached almost a point of absurdity by nominating the Snowmiser as Secretary of State.  Further complicating matters, the Obama team announced the nomination of his brother and arch nemesis, the Heatmiser, to the office of Secretary of Defense.  This is clearly beyond non-partisanship as the two refuse to work together on any level.  Key Washington officials warn that the brothers plan to abuse their newfound powers by expanding extreme weather-patterns into historically mild regions of the world.  The nomination of the Heatmiser, in particular, has caused a political firestorm (pardon the pun) amongst the liberal blogosphere. Many on the left are enraged by a choice that they believe threatens the ‘Arctic ice shelf itself.’

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Obama Announces His Four Point Econ Plan: Orders Next Four Digits on Debt Clock

After talking with his new administration, President Elect Obama has made the decisive decision to order the hundred trillion place, the quadrillion place, the gazillion place, and the holy-shit-Batman-we’ve-gone-plaid-illion place for the national debt clock in Time Square, New York.  The rationale is twofold, first, a preemptive move is hoped to quell market fears by reassuring the public that the new administration is doing something about our out-of-control deficit, and, second, there may be some modest savings to the taxpayer by buying these extra digit-places in bulk.

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Jesus’ Agenda Found!

In a cave near Tikrit, Iraq, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Brasserie, has unearthed a scroll revealing Jesus’ agenda. “This is huge,” claims Dr. Hogbein, “like the ‘second coming’ all over again.”

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Band of Klingons Ruin Local Civil War Reenactment

In hindsight, the decision to host a Star Trek convention at the Gettysburg Inn on the same day as a civil war reenactment was a mistake,” admits hotel manager Sam Watkins. “Tragically, we discovered that fake muskets are no match for the bat’leth.”

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Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection

Despite the fact that 17 year old Becky Forrest of Clifton, NJ tested positive for Chlamydia and HPV at her July physical examination, she is maintaining her chastity. “It’s been challenging to earn crack money and keep my abstinence pledge,” says Becky.  Her mother Greta Forrest couldn’t be prouder, “I believe her.  Aside from selling most of our belongings for drug money, she’s an angel.”  Becky’s mother beamed at the doctor’s report with an unparallel level of motherly denial.  “There’s the hand of god at work here…or certainly some part of god.”

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Time Traveling Prankster Tells Aztecs the Sun Will Extinguish Without Human Blood.

"Having a Time Lord for a son has its challenges," admits Jimmy's mother. "He has always been a jokester—always putting a whoopee cushion on your seat, propping a bucket of water over a doorway, or setting your bed on fire while you sleep. Such a goof, that boy." Jimmy's father had this to say about his son's recent Aztec hijinks, "Well, it's better than that time he shot the Archduke Ferdinand."

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