Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, "Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font."

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, "She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta."

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. "I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’"

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. "Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle," said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, "Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?" Gingrich replied, "Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big."

Washington, DC - Iran has failed to meet their deadline to disarm, so President Obama warned how, in the near future, colorful metaphors are likely to descend on the defiant country.  Obama has assailed Iran with an increasingly terse tone—a tone that could escalate to swearing.

When asked if the Obama Administration is prepared to use any of George Carlin’s ‘seven words you can not say on television,’ Obama replied, "No options are off the table at this time."

If Iran continues to thumb their nose at the global community, Obama threatened an "egregious bout of profanity not seen since the Discord’s last Crank feature." 

Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta, stated the dropping of the F-bomb itself is not a matter of if, but when.

"Plans to do anything meaningful to suspend Iran’s nuclear pursuits have been suspended until operation Mock and Caw takes full effect," said Panetta.  "We’re even thinking of an outright regime change, so…like, instead of referring to the Iranian regime as the ‘Iranian regime’, we’re going to call it the ‘Iranian leadership’.  See?  We changed the regime with no loss of life."

"As for the old carrot and the stick analogy," said Obama,  "we have used the carrot, so now the time has come to use the smaller, less enticing carrot, and, of course, an egregious bout of profanity."

Lake County, FL—GOP nomination hopeful, Newt Gingrich "mistakenly" shook 11-month-old Jacob Horowitz’s hand and then proceeded to kiss Rebecca Horowitz, the infant’s mother, on the lips. This occurred on the campaign trail earlier today at a diner described by locals as "an area favorite". One witness said the kiss was "not nearly as disturbing as what he did with his hands."

The former Speaker immediately responded by saying his actions were intentional. "Look, the woman was very attractive and the baby had a pungent feces smell to it. What would anyone have done given those circumstances? I am frankly appalled that women everywhere go through such lengths to help Barack Obama by further reporting my unwanted advances to the media."

Gingrich is also denying slipping the woman the tongue. "It's preposterous. The destructive, vicious, unaccommodating nature of females is making it increasingly harder to govern this country. Many important legislators remain completely preoccupied by frigid Floridians like Mrs. what's-her-name. Furthermore, I can assure you I do not smoke cigars that way. I also know the definition of what the word ‘is’ is and I have more lawyers than that ungrateful bitch has diapers."

When questioned further about the misstep, Gingrich said, "I have no doubt that my esteemed colleague Ron Paul would have liberated the baby from the diaper on the spot. And Romney would have kissed the baby’s ass, regardless, because he panders to any poop anywhere, and with current polling data from Florida no one even cares what Zeppo would have done."

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama admitted during a press conference today that the recent rumors are true: the Obama Administration has fallen behind on its mortgage payments. However, the President is adamantly denying claims he and his family will be forced to move out of the White House and into the audio visual room at the Library of Congress.

When asked how this happened, Obama did not blame his own economic team, but instead pointed the finger at his predecessor. "You would think this bitch would have been paid off centuries ago, but old W did some kind of reverse mortgage thing that botched everything up," said Obama.

Rush Limbaugh immediately defended our former President. "Obama can’t blame Bush on this one. He has been in that house for three years. This is his mortgage and he needs to take responsibility for his own financial failings."

Ironically, Obama does not qualify for any of his own mortgage relief programs. "They suggested I fall behind another couple of payments before even applying," said Obama. "Who dreamt this shit up?"

When asked if he planned to move his family into the Jefferson Memorial, Obama said, "Too drafty. There are some good rates over at the Watergate Hotel in Foggy Bottom, but I could just see the headlines now."

North Pole—Elves and occupiers clashed outside of that jolly old "one percenter's" workshop this week. The incident ended in 27 arrests and at least a dozen injuries. Santa Claus is denying the authorization to use force. Many are claiming St. Nick ordered his toy making elves to forcibly remove the dozens of protestors by force from his frosty front lawn yesterday.

"It’s a load of Yule time shit," said Santa. "They were doing things to the Christmas trees and defecating in my ornate sleighs. They were provoking the elves, they were provoking me! They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits."

Fox News "journalists" believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas.

"They’re ramping up their efforts to destroy America, destroy tradition, destroy God!" said Bill O’Rielly. "I don’t really believe that, but I got paid more to say that sentence than you make in a year, losers."

Oklahoma City, OK—Authorities fear the 5.6 magnitude earthquake that rocked Oklahoma this week has yet to claim all of its victims. Time is running out for an estimated 17-million corn kernels still buried under an area of fallen corn stalks rescue workers estimate to be "the size of Corn-necticut."

Many believe we are facing a "creamed corn scenario of unprecedented proportions."

Oklahoma City officials are thankful their state is flat or the resulting pyroclastic flows of high fructose corn lava could have consumed entire towns.

"But luckily we don’t have many of those either," said Mayor Cobb Huskins. "But make no mistake, we’ve been cornholed for sure."

Some locals are taking advantage of the quake through looting, "It’s a cornucopia out there," said one stalker. "The real thing is just so much better than internet corn."

The Green Giant and Little Sprout were unavailable for comment.

Wolfeboro, NH—Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney warns of the stark realities of conviction change. He told the Daily Discord earlier today "‘Global conforming’ is most likely influenced by the voting activities of man. I understand how the sea levels, I mean deceive levels are clearly rising across the Tea Planet as the world grows increasingly warmer, I mean fodder," said Romney.

"Endless 24-hour news cycles impact the hot air emanating from my mouth," explained Romney. "A host of contradictory atmospheric conditions near and around the neococoon can greatly impact my views on any given topic at any given time."

Romney told reasonable Americans, in Pig Latin, how he has every intention of changing many of his positions back to sane ones, "Just as soon as I win the Republican nomination, I will make sense again," said Romney. "But until then I am forced to drink from the Cup of Stupid."

Many are concerned, this very real ‘global conforming’ phenomenon could continue to impact his actual stance on abortion, global warming, immigration, healthcare, and the need for tax revenues to reduce deficits over the weeks and months ahead.

"Look, I need to say I believe a whole host of ridiculous things to get the Republican nomination," said Romney. "Have you seen my base? They are further out there than that Branson guy’s new space station. Oh, but can you translate that into Pig Latin before posting?  Thanks."

In related news, the Foxeteers claim to be close to breaking the Pig Latin code.

Point Pleasant, WV—The creature that terrorized a small West Virginia town in the late sixties was pronounced dead this morning by local entomologists.  Apparently, this legendary winged monster finally met its match after flying repeatedly into a porch light in front a residence on Jones Street.  Authorities say Mothman did not die on that porch, but managed to flap over to his west side apartment, where he posted his farewells on Facebook and Twitter.

Mman7 Moth Man I’m like, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH!! BWTF!!! 6 seconds ago

Mothman’s last Facebook session involved ‘unfriending’ Bigfoot and then telling his Facebook fans, "I only regret not being able to scare the shit out of and/or maul the lot of you!" 

He also blamed the lack of recent Mothman sightings on misidentifications.

"People always think I’m the Jersey Devil, or Batman, or something.  ‘Hey look, Batman.’  Hell-oo!  This isn’t Jersey and it certainly aint Gotham-friggin’-City, lady!  I’m a moth!  I’ve even tried stalking that Monster Quest team for months, but those morons couldn’t even find a Megaladon if it swam up and bit em’ on the ass."

Mothra and the surviving members of the band, Iron Butterfly, attended the funeral, but left shortly after the Lochness Monster arrived, quite intoxicated.

"It kept saying the same joke all night," said Mothra.  "Take my wife, plesiosaur.  What does that even mean?"

Topeka, KS—Congressman Stanley Farrell (R) was reportedly very angry with allegations that the Tea Party played a key role in the stock market’s recent turbulence.  People who knew him, described him as prone to political fits and tirades.  He often barked about wanting a smaller government and lower taxes.

"He’s been just furious with President Obama’s liberal agenda," said his wife Megan.  "Last week he got much worse.  He was frothing at the mouth and chasing cars around that have progressive bumper stickers."

ASPCA workers claim he was angry, and it was hard to make sense of his anger.

"He left us no choice," said Rin Tim Tim of the ASPCA.  "We did not have any clue he was a Congressman at the time of the lethal injection…or even a human for that matter." 

The ASPCA President told Discord reporters he has no remorse.

"Look, if another furry politician comes into one of our locations and starts biting people and accusing them of being socialist-illegals, we’re going to do the same damn thing." 

London, GB—London Police would like to send a stern message to the rioters currently assailing their fair city.  This message is packed with sharp criticism, harsh tones, and less than subtle innuendo.    

Chief Constable Barry Higgins had this to say, "We are not only prepared to say our traditional ‘stop or we’ll say stop again’ number, but we are prepared to say stop as many times as it takes!"

The constable actually said this somewhat congenially during our interview, but insisted we add the exclamation point.  

When asked about authorizing the use of plastic bullets, Constable Higgins said, "No, but we are prepared to use bouts of sarcasm.  A focused stream of satirical quips will sting far worse than any plastic, non-biodegradable, bullets any day."

Constable Higgins has not ruled out the use of puns but only in "extreme situations" and, as for double entendres, Higgins fears they will, "Go over the head of this lot."  He therefore recommends a more mocking rancor designed to strike a devastating sarcastic blow to the heart of such common rabble.

Higgins feels the English bobby has a reputation to uphold, and that it’s "time to take a bite out of crime." He then added, "But not literally, of course."

Oklahoma City, OK—One man is refusing to let fear and paranoia slip out of his life.

When Glenn Beck announced his last show on Fox News, James Stiles said, "I’m going to eat people."

As a result of his new hobby, Mr. Stiles now spends his days in constant fear of that dreaded "cop" knock at the door.  He spends his evenings madly scribbling his conspiracy theories on an old chalkboard in his basement.   During the interview the board read:  

9/11 = 20 = 20/20 (liberal propaganda)
= ½ of Beck’s 40 Days/40 Nights Challenge
= Obama & Arianna Huffington’s lovechild is the anti-Christ!!

"I’m not just going to let all of that angst slip away," said Stiles.  "Glenn created an elevated level of adrenaline in the systems of real Americans for some purpose, so maintaining that baseline level of misguided hyper-vigilance is crucial to our cause." 

When it was pointed out how adrenaline negatively impacts higher functioning in the brain, Stiles randomly recited Drudge headlines, while sharpening a butcher knife.  Mr. Stiles believes cannibalism is keeping him scared shitless, and it also cuts down on his grocery bills.  He reports eating only liberals and progressives and babies, but one day he hopes to devour George Soros’ liver with some farva beans and a dry Chianti.

"I’m doing this for real America and I’m doing this for Glenn.  I know he, of all people, would understand," said Stiles.

Guantanamo Bay, CU—George Bush and Dick Cheney are adamantly denying the use of Dementors in any Black Magic Ops between 2002 and 2008.   Allegations are surfacing that cruel and very unusual punishment was implemented on several suspected Al Qaeda terrorists.  One Guantanamo detainee claims they were forced to watch certain Azkaban scenes from that Harry Potter movie "Clockwork Orange style."  Another inmate said he was told Dementors circle the island and they would suck out the souls of any would-be escapees.  Some even claim that during many good cop/bad cop interrogation strategies, Dementors filled the role of bad cop. 

When asked if these Dementors might simply have been CIA agents in dark hoods, one detainee responded, "Ummm, have you ever had part of your soul ripped out through your nostrils?"

Despite the controversy, Bush stands by his enhanced enchantment techniques.

"Sure we threatened to use them, which netted us actionable intelligence.  It saved American lives," said Bush. 

But the former President denies Dementors were ever directly on the CIA’s payroll and he dismisses such rumors as liberal propaganda.

When questioned, former Vice President Dick Cheney refused to address allegations of his own involvement in an even more clandestine Secret Dementor Program.

"Why are you asking me this?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would….never mind.  Just fuck off," said Cheney.

North Korea—Kim Jong-il remains undaunted by his country’s continued sanctions, dwindling resources, and tough economic hardships.   Despite the odds, Jong-il and his ilk have created a completely wooden missile, the Taepowoodendong-2.  This formidable projectile is believed to reach from naughty bits all the way to the liver.

When asked if the missile could reach the U.S., Jong-il stated, "I know this much, it can reach all the way to who’s your daddy now, bitches?!"

When asked how he plans to bring the U.S to its knees solely through the use of a relatively small piece of wood, Jong-il stated he planned to "get America drunk first." 

When questioned about his tactics, he became defensive, "Look, this is a long, completely unsanded ballistic dildo.  America will fear me now or suffer the dongsequences."

Jong-il went on to explain how his last statement was a play on words that may or may not translate well into English.

Sarah Palin and her family have pulled out of Dodge and have taken their One Nation bus tour back to the frozen north.  She told the press today, "Progress against progressives has been made."  She is still leaving behind areas along the coasts that remain "safe harbors for liberal thought."

"This isn’t over by a long shot," said Palin, who then made several other gun references not meant to be taken literally. 

Palin’s bus tour exit strategy involved taking route 90 West all the way to 5 North and then on through enemy socialist territory before arriving back in real America.  Palin denies living north of the Land of Misfit Toys and refused to answer any more of the Discord’s questions.

Palin claims to have ended the bus tour after being selected for jury duty.  Critics argue this proves she is not smart enough to get out of jury duty.  When questioned about the recent poll showing how 7 out of 10 Americans feel Palin’s bus tour is heading in the wrong direction, Palin spewed more of those gun references.

Tulsa, OK—A team of mercenaries, calling themselves V.O.R.T.E.X, is working closely with Homeland Security to combat a rash of severe weather that has been plaguing parts of the U.S. in recent months.

The group is currently staked out near Tulsa Oklahoma in a makeshift trailer park designed to lure in some of these sinister super cells. When asked what VORTEX stands for, VORTEX President, Tim Yotes, replied, "We haven’t thought of the entire acronym yet, but the T stands for tornado."

The Obama Administration claims to have hired VORTEX to fight the perception that Obama is soft on weather.

"Last time the twisters struck, I was in London," said Obama.  "I got caught with my britches down, so to speak.  Now we’re sending a strong message, FU to all those F2s."

When asked about the logic of using guns to capture or kill tornadoes, Obama said, "This group does this sort of thing all the time.  Let’s leave the tactics to the professionals."

Obama is not currently endorsing VORTEX’s second strategy, which involves a giant field version of naked twister.

"I don’t follow that one," said Obama, but he later admitted that "no options are off the table."  

Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, "Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay."  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

"This is not a joking matter," said Debra Horner. "My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter."

Most stories didn’t have such a "happy ending." Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

"He either died very happy or in sheer terror," said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. "I’m sure it’s one of the two."

"Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before," said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, "or this would have been much, much worse."

Many across our green nation are joining ranks with Project Trash Police, one of the many new stimulus spawned career paths (SSCP)—jobs brought to you by the Monopoly money also known as the U.S. dollar. These Trash Police, or S.W.A.T teams (Sewage & Waste Authority Taskforces) are a group of green meanies set to root through all of your refuse for their own insidious purposes.  These Recycle Rangers may already be Sherlock Holmesing all of yesterday’s rejects through the use of highly sophisticated computer chips.  These sensor chips are designed to relay all of your recycling activities directly to Al Gore’s mansion!

Know your refuse or risk fines, jail, or torture!  Torture is officially legal now in America, so expanding it to include improper recycling habits is the next logical step.  Will the backlash of recyclophopia plague our society?  Mental health professionals are already seeing a spike in suicide hotline calls. 

"We get at least 10-15 calls a week now from people worried the banana peel ended up in the cardboard bin, or the type 6 plastic ended up with the type 1 plastic," said Megan Forrester of N.U.T.  Counseling. 

Police are also reporting an increase in Hate Grimes, wherein people’s garbage is mixed up in the middle of the night as part of some sinister gang initiation practice.

Know your bins, people, because these S.W.A.T. teams are on the Gorepath. 

Los Angeles, CA—The arriving radioactive plume from Japan can be fun for all ages, but taking some precautions is necessary. Remember that black light you had in your room as a kid?  Well, it’s not going to be anything like that. The best place to enjoy the glow show this weekend is Southern California.  The optimum way to view the radioactive plume is to get far away from city lights, which in the case of L.A. is probably best anyway.  You might want to dress appropriately for the display, like in a radiation suit.  The World Health Organization is not sure if the dangerous fallout will create mutant hordes, some giant prehistoric fire breathing creature, or just enlarge insects of some variety or another.  Regardless, it’s best to be prepared—with a will.

There is a slight chance of growing an extra appendage or gills during the festivities. Although, gills might seem cool, don’t go in the water.  It’s probably not safe.  In the event of mutant hordes, keep in mind, they always return to their subterranean dwellings by dawn.  So you just have to stay alive until then. 

Upper winds are blowing the glowing plume right toward us, so all you need to do is grab your recliner and your iodine pills, kick back, and enjoy the show! 

Good night and good….ahahahHHaaHHAAA.  Giant crickets!!

Kandahar, Afghanistan—Family members of Lieutenant Lee Williams, of the 2^nd Infantry, are puzzled by today’s holiday greeting from abroad. Lee has never had homosexual tendencies, remains sexually attracted exclusively to females, yet he openly announced his gayness while wishing his family in Plattsburgh a Merry Christmas during a live video feed from Kandahar earlier today.  

When asked why he made the erroneous announcement, Williams replied, "I guess I got caught up in the moment.  It’s such a huge deal for the gay and lesbian community. I just wanted to feel more a part of what was happening." 

"It stunned us at first," said his mother, Emma Williams of Plattsburgh.  "Until I remembered the time he not only joined the Save the Whales movement, but became a whale himself for nearly eight months.  He ordered a water bed and, during that time period, was content to sift through seven or eight buckets of krill each day for sustenance."  

Despite being raised in a conservative household, his father, Jacob, believes Lee suffers from liberal tendencies with regards to social issues.

"I’m going to sue that shrink for every penny," said Jacob.

Lieutenant Williams also announced his future plans to show his solidarity with the shrinking polar ice caps by spending his post-military life nearly motionless along the Norwegian coastline, periodically sloughing off pieces of himself into the North Sea.

Philadelphia, PA—Fallout from the above picture has left The Daily Discord seeking legal counsel.  A recent post led readers to believe Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, was on the scene in Afghanistan conducting a survey on The Mating Rituals of Hunky Military Types.   But, if you look closely at the top of the image, you can clearly see the bottom of the lettering for The New York Times.  In fact, the picture is identical to a Times story from December 13th.

"It looks as if someone just snapped a shot of our newspaper cover and called it their own," said Bill Keller, the NY Time’s Executive Editor.  "This isn’t the first time we’ve had a run in with this group, although this is brazen even for them.  They’re a menace to the world wide web."

"Preposterous!" replied the Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow. "I have the receipt for McGrath’s plane ticket, her bar tab from Kabul, and several prescriptions for Oxycodone."

But when pressured, Winslow was unable to produce this documentation—except the prescriptions.  Despite the overwhelming evidence, Winslow remains unwilling to make any retraction for The Discord’s controversial post, nor is he willing to stop exploiting hunky military types.   

"We’re on the side of the truth," said Winslow.  "When we say we’re on location, we’re on location…and, apparently, sometimes we’re on booze and opiates."

Bag End, HBT—A number of men in black were seen riding through Bree and parts of the Shire late last night.  Eyewitnesses claim they were searching for a hobbit known as Bilbo Baggins.   Locals report, Baggins has remained a recluse ever since the Harvard Lampoon referred to him as Dildo Bugger in a popular spoof.  Some believe the riders were searching for a piece of jewelry, or perhaps other things to pawn.

A local wizard named Gandalf the Grey told reporters, "A shadow moves in the east, there are whispers of a nameless fear, and the Green Dragon has a steep cover charge tonight." 

Gandalf later expounded upon his earlier statements, "The fires of Mount Doom are ablaze, there are worse things than goblins in the darker places of the world, and there are, indeed, strange things afoot at the Circle-K." 

Here to make sense of that, and more, is our own Mad Dog mystic, the Ghetto Shaman, "Dildo Bugger, heh, heh.  That’s fucking great!"

In other local news, farmer Maggot is reporting crops have been taken from his field again.  He is blaming the dark riders for the mischief.  Roseypalm Glandheaver of Bugger-downs has reported her dog missing.  The faithful companion was last seen pissing on an Ent.

"I can’t imagine what could have happened to him," said Glandheaver. 

To help pay for Obamacare and to decrease the national debt on the eve of the midterm elections, Obama has sold Texas back to Mexico.

"I know this is a bit of a shocker," said Obama. "Obviously Mexico couldn’t pay squat for Texas, so we dealt directly with the drug cartels.  Cash for illicit substances will now go to cutting our national debt. Spending our way out of this fiasco has failed, but snorting our way out should be fun and economical! Besides, most Texans want to go anyway so don’t let the panhandle hit your ass on the way out."

The Obama Administration is adamantly denying plans to return to 1845 boundaries, which would also include half of New Mexico and parts of Colorado.  When asked about our highways, Obama said, "Route 20 will be lost to us, but here’s our plan for Route 40, if we just raised the highway off the ground a few inches, we could probably slide the panhandle out from underneath it, preferably at night, when no one is looking."

When asked if there’s anything Obama would miss about our 28^th state, he said, "There is this  great little Jazz club in Austin but, don’t worry, it’s scheduled to be choppered to D.C. before things are finalized—which, by the way, adds 47 construction jobs to my stimulus program totals."

The Pentagon—General David Petraeus told the press today, "The Daily Discord is senseless and vile."

When someone informed him of their plans to carry out Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day, the general had even less charitable comments for the controversial e-zine. 

"If the Discord goes through with their Halloween hijinx, it could endanger our troops in the field and undermine our mission in Afghanistan.  Bradley armored vehicles might be TPd and scores of improvised flaming pooh bags (IFPBs) might be strategically placed outside all of our bases’ gates.  A lot of people will be left with egg on their face. Images of sobbing, egg-covered Imams would undoubtedly be used by extremists as propaganda.  For lack of a better phrase, it would only egg them on," said Petraeus.

"We aren’t stopping this time," said CEO, Pierce Winslow.  "When we caved to pressure last time and failed to carry out Burn the Duran Day, a little part of the Discord died.  Besides, what better way to put those recalled Iowa eggs to some good use, eh?"

Washington, DC—Perturbed by recent events, President Obama called for another of his highly-hyped Beer Summits.  This time our Head of Suds met with comedian Jon Stewart and news correspondent, Rick Sanchez, to mend some fences.  Sanchez recently lost his job, anchoring at CNN, after claiming Stewart is a "bigot" and for claiming "Jews are hardly a repressed minority." Meanwhile, Jon Stewart hasn’t warmed up to any of Obama’s summits and is making fun of them regularly on The Daily Show.  

The administration considered calling it Beer Summit! Part Deux and, for some reason, Breakin' 2: Eclectic Brewgaloo, but, due to the historic importance, Obama combined the best of his Beer Summits and his Backyard Summits and went with Backyard Beer Summit.

"This close to the mid-term elections I need my media commentators back on message," said Obama. "And that’s when I have Michelle hit the old Pay & Take for 40oz cans of malty diplomacy."

The summit started off on a rocky note, however, when Sanchez said, "Sorry, Jon, I know deep down you’re really not a Jew."

Stewart responded, "Why don’t you go taze yourself again, bro?"

A fight ensued between the three which the Secret Service thankfully captured on their cell phones.  As it turns out, the initial argument between Sanchez and Stewart was a misunderstanding.  Sanchez thought the word bigot meant: gay, a ciggie or a bundle of sticks.

"It was terrible to see," said our Chief White House Correspondent, Cokie McGrath.  "I haven’t seen that much beer abuse since The Ghetto Shaman’s ejection from the Luxor."

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before.  The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

"The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!"

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, "Where is everyone?  We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!"

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

"I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!"

This had the desired effect.  Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones.  This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event. 

"We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "But many were with us in spirit—just not in person.  We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either.  It’s just impossible to know for sure."

"This is a grass & roots movement like no other," said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca  or Ibogaine.

"This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days," said the Shaman.  "We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.

Washington, DC-At the final confirmation hearing for Elena Kagan Thursday, Senator Ben Nelson (NE-D) meant to vote against Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination but, instead, shouted, "I don’t think Kagan can follow DeGeneres in a show as important for U.S. interests as American Idol!"

Several colleagues tried to calm the agitated Senator down to no avail. President Obama himself texted Nelson during the outburst and offered his state free healthcare (again), as well as weekly treasure baths at Camp David if he would simply, "sit the fuck down."

Completely inconsolable, Nelson yelled, "You lie!"

He then hurled his Blackberry at Kagan, before saying, "The Idol is dead; it’s dead, I tell ya! Nothing else really matters anymore, you toothless whore!"

After an uncomfortably long period of sobbing, Nelson tried to secede from the union--until someone reminded him that if Nebraska seceded, no one would notice.

Nelson later told the press, "Truckers along Route 80 would notice. Especially when I start opening fire on the bastards!"

Police had to forcibly remove Nelson from Capital Hill, and Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield later told the press the Senator was "all doped up on goofballs."

Nelson denies being on goofballs, or even knowing what goofballs are, exactly.

La Habra, CA—Refusing to be outdone, Octomom sent her eight children into the stratosphere today via a canoe strapped to several hundred helium balloons in the hopes of their safe arrival in London, Belgium. When it was pointed out that London wasn’t in Belgium, Octomom became irate, as she had apparently "promised them waffles."

When asked if this was done as a publicity stunt, she said, "Fuck yeah," as well as several other expletives, mostly involving swear words.

Provided most of the children survive, Octomom was promised a starring role in a reality TV show this Fall.

Octomom told the press today, "I could eat that little yachting-around-the-world bitch for lunch...Oh, and fuck Balloon Boy!"

Octomom reportedly drew the line at lighting the canoe on fire at the onset of the merry voyage.

"You have to draw the line somewhere," said Octomom.  "Otherwise those bitches from Child Protective Services are back in droves."

If you noticed there are only seven children in the canoe and not eight...ahhh, that has more to do with the PhotoShop prowess of one, Dave Atsals, than anything else. He brings LD to a whole new level. LD + comes to mind, or maybe Uber LD, or even LD² perhaps. He’s certainly our special little helper.

Remember a time when the U.S. wasn’t ranked 21^st in literacy rates or gazillionth in manufacturing?  When we had the biggest empire in the world, and the tallest Empire State Building to prove it?  Well, you don’t have to!  It’s still reality for many of our ‘special’ citizens who watch Fox News as their main source of propaganda.  Why should you ever have to face the real problems of our time, when you can be programmed to ignore them?  And don’t worry, the depression will all be Obama’s fault.  Thankfully, you’ll never make that pesky connection that voting in our 39^th ranked president, twice, for the eight-years prior to our demise had any correlation whatsoever.

Greg Sully of Lincoln, NE, said, "Fox news is like the History Channel and the SyFy Channel, all rolled into one."

Mr. Sully enjoys the fear and suspense when a Democrat is in office and then the fictional security and prosperous period enjoyed when a Republican takes back command.

"And the Cylons are great too," added Sully.

There was never anything wrong with the most expensive healthcare on the globe covering increasingly fewer and fewer people.  And, as for the environment…heck, over 90% of the environment lies outside of U.S. borders, right?  Makes you think, doesn’t it?  You shouldn’t do that.  And freedom’s just another word for—I don’t know another word for freedom (I watch Fox News).  There is no substitute for freedom in the Fox lands…or Thesauruses, apparently.

Nationalism isn’t a bad thing, just the way you do it is.

Warsaw, PL—The Polish Government released the following transcript from last week’s doomed flight to Smolensk:

President Kaczynski:  When is the last time you heard a really good Polish joke?

Pilot:  It’s been years, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski: Exactly.  So land the plane.

Pilot:  We can’t.  The fog…the control tower said—

President Kaczynski: We must restore the Polish joke to its original glory.  Just think of it!  We need to be known for more than just kielbasa.

Pilot:  Actually, the origin of the kielbasa is unknown, but it is commonly credited to all of Eastern Europe.

President Kaczynski: Exactly my point. Now…are all of our top military and political leaders on board?

Pilot:  Yes, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski:  Good, then land the plane.

Pilot:  Should I hit the control tower?

President Kaczynski:  Naaah, that’s a little over the top.

Pilot:  Not the way I fly (laughter)…so what’s the joke going to be?

President Kaczynski:  I was thinking, how many Pollock leaders does it take to land a—

(inaudible)

Washington, DC - President Obama has refused to comment on the picture, seen here, of the President, along side of his top economic advisors, entering a notorious south D.C. cash advance establishment.  Obama also denied allegations he is supplementing the Federal Reserve in such a manner. When specifically questioned about his whereabouts last weekend, Obama said everything from "blowing loads of cash in Las Vegas" to "hiking the Appalachian Trail with Senator Sanford."  None of the stories checked out, however.  Last weekend, Bald Tony was in Vegas ‘blowing loads of cash’ and the Ghetto Shaman was hiking the Appalachian Trail naked. Neither report seeing Obama at these locations.

When confronted by the press, Obama said, "Look, you might see me going into a cash advance place, but you’re not going to find a picture of me leaving with any cash.  Have you seen the United States’ credit score lately?"

Obama is also denying allegations he was spotted at a pawn shop with the East Room portrait of George Washington.  When reporters noticed the empty wall this week, Obama explained he was simply having the missing picture shampooed.  When questioned why he is still wearing the Groucho Marx mustache/glasses combo, Obama pretended not to hear the question and ended the press conference.

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is investigating its own near-criminal inflation of the total jobs created by the stimulus plan. Some of the problem is due to the questionable decision to hire The Count von Count, of Sesame Street fame, to tally the numbers.

"It started out well enough," said stimulus overseer Ed DeSeve.  "He counted full-time jobs created by the stimulus package, then he counted part-time jobs created by the stimulus package, and then at some point he started counting ceiling tiles."

According to witnesses, The Count started the project with, "One! One job created by the stimulus package, ah, ah, ah...  Two! Two jobs created by the stimulus package, ah ah ah…" but, by day twelve, The Count was overheard saying, "Four! Four thousand cars on the Southeast Freeway, ah, ah, ah…"

"We knew right then we were screwed," said DeSeve.  "I told Barak that we should have gone with Grover."

The Obama Administration is trying to put the best spin possible on the matter.

"It’s not known when The Count transitioned from counting real jobs to counting random inanimate objects," said Obama, "but we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that some of those early numbers were legitimate jobs created."

Obama is denying allegations that he had planned to name The Count his Enumeration Czar in early February.

"I would also like to dispel any rumors that Burt or Ernie will be my next Family Values Czarinas."

Washington insiders believe neither Ernie nor Burt have spoken to the president since his stance on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Senator Nelson (NE) released this stunning conversation on the eve of the healthcare vote.  Our technical crew worked diligently to bring you the transcript version of this important audio:

Senator Nelson: "Mr. Rezko, Rahm, David…to what do I owe the honor?"

Tony Rezko: "Hayadooin Senator.  We need to come to some sort of understanding on the Healthcare bill. I’m of the impression that youse may be a ‘no’ vote."

Senator Nelson: "Well guys, there are problems with—"

Tony Rezko: "Bennie, Bennie, It’s of da highest import dat youse vote ‘yes’ on dis here bill."

Senator Nelson: "Bu-bu-but guys, I really got problems with—"

Tony Rezko: "Listen, if ya don’t go the way we needs ya ta go, youse got real problems.  I know youse guys got dis here Air Force base, uh wutisit, Offortt Sumtin? Now it sure would be a shame if sumtin wuz ta happin to dis here Base, wouldn’t it?"    

Senator Nelson: "What could happen to an Air Force Base?"

(inaudible)

Senator Nelson: "You wouldn’t…"

Tony Rezko: "Just tink of da ten tousand poor Nebraskans widout a job. Dat would be a terrible ting."

Senator Nelson: "You’d put the safety of the country at risk and put thousands of people out of work?"

Tony Rezko: "Safety of the country?  You tink we care about dat?  Two words, Bennie Boy, Janet Napolatano.  But enough talk. Rahm, David…bend some Geneva Conventions around this guy’s neck."

(Sound of water running. Garble, garble, cough, sputter. Inaudible.)

Tehran, Iran - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is denying allegations his country is developing weapons of mass destruction.

"Iran is simply trying to counter the dangers of global warming with a nice nuclear winter," explained Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President hopes to both restore the delicate planetary balance to our shared ecosystem and, perhaps, even win himself the next Chernobyl Peace Prize.

When asked about being under the constant scrutiny of the global community, Ahmadinejad said, "I feel misunderstood, ostracized, and completely exhausted from torturing and killing all of those student protestors over the weekend.  Next they'll be saying our weaponized microbial 'Death to the Great Satan Martyr' project is for some nefarious purpose."

The Iranian President is also insisting his new line of chemical weapons facilities are for humanitarian genocides only.

"Frankly, I'm sick of all the recent nuclear fallout from my targets—I mean critics," said Ahmadinejad.  "I meant critics, really."

Washington, DC—After some brutal negotiations with Chinese officials, President Obama announced to the press he saved the U.S. both the twenty-five dollar annual fee, plus two fifty-dollar late payment charges.  Granted, no progress was made on refinancing or renegotiating our country’s annual percentage rate with our Chinese overlords, but the Obama Administration is hailing this trip as a "major victory.” 

"That’s just the beginning," said Obama’s Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner. "If we transfer our debt over to the EU, they are promising us no interest until 2010!” 

When the Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent, Bald Tony, pointed out how that was only a few weeks from now, Geithner furrowed his brow and stared down at his Blackberry.

"I would much rather shift our impossibly high debt to Europe," said Obama.  "After all, they just got me that Peace Prize thingie.  It’s the least we can do."    

By shifting the U.S. debt to Europe, Obama hopes, "The United States can continue to pay the minimum balance, which should bring the Federal deficit to manageable levels by…what century is Star Trek supposed to take place?"

Obama is denying plans to hang an Interest Accomplished banner across the White House lawn to commemorate his historic visit.

"I don’t want to repeat my predecessor’s mistakes," said Obama.  "I am content to make a whole slew of new ones."

Nowhere, AZ - Doctors ended Mick Zano’s dream of live-blogging Fox News for an unprecedented 24 hour period.  The session ended thirty-seven minutes into the blog fest, when the attending physician, Dr. Sterling Hogbien of the Hogbien Institute and Casino, observed something akin to a psychotic break. The doctor reported that halfway through the show Hannity, Mr. Zano experienced several bouts of maniacal giggling before slipping into a dangerously delusional state.

When asked why the plug was not pulled earlier, Dr. Hogbien stated, "Maniacal giggling and delusions are not far off Zano’s baseline.  When he watches Fox News there are always mood swings, anxiety, and a significant rise in blood pressure, particularly when Sarah Palin is mentioned." 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien told authorities he only went ahead with the experiment after Zano assured him that watching Fox News for increasingly long periods of time had not resulted in any adverse reactions.

"We certainly would never have attempted this had we known what a quivering pile of Jello he would become" said Hogbien. 

When asked if Fox News is dangerous to the general public, Dr. Hogbien said, "Certainly not.  In small doses it is something to be enjoyed, like alcohol.  But too much and, well, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Foxual activity."

A desperate Al-Qaeda is ramping up its rhetoric against the Obama Administration as members are leaving their jihad training camps “by the droves,” stated Abdul Abdul Abdullah to our own Bald Tony during an inappropriate on-line chat last week.

Desperate for an edge in the PR wars, Al-Qaeda is considering increasing their afterlife compensation.

“We are considering upping the ante to 82 virgins in the afterlife,” stated Abdullah. This is a limited offer, void where prohibited.

The terrorist group is doubtful the new strategy will work, however, as a recent Al-Qaeda poll suggests most jihad savvy Arabs really don’t know what to do with more than twenty virgins anyway.  Al-Qaeda is disappointed with recruitment in recent weeks.

“Obama is bad for business,” stated Abdullah.  “Bush was doing a fine job, but now there is hardly enough hatred to go around.”

Abdullah fears an outright end to hatred, which would force him to grow-up and get a real job, perhaps in the gay porn industry.  In the wake of this new age Al-Qaeda is setting more realistic expectations.  Instead of using their bread-and-butter chants like ‘Death to America’, they are considering more achievable goals like ‘Death to Jersey.’  It is hoped that this shift in objectives may gain more support inside as well as outside of the U.S.

“Most agree at least Newark should go,” explained Abdullah, “even Bruce Springsteen, if cornered.”

For his last act in office, besides doing number two in the middle of the Lincoln bedroom, George W. Bush has cancelled President Elect Barak Obama’s honeymoon period.

“I’m afraid he’s going to have to hit the ground running,” joked Bush to reporters on Thursday, “especially if old Dead-Eye Dick has anything to say about it.”   Bush warns that the transition may be unusually violent.

“Biden better watch his ass,” added Bush, “because the V.P. apparently refuses recognize the new administration, or anyone else for that matter.”  Washington insiders believe the Vice President suffers from something the doctors are calling Age-Related Executive-Expansion Disorder (AREED).  Unconfirmed reports suggest that Cheney will shoot at anything that approaches his property line.

In a phone call to the V.P. elect this week, Bush warned, “Proceed with caution…Dick really wants to remain head of Homelawn Security.”

Of the ten tourists who visited Palestine last year, one has vowed never to return.

“I’m going to fucking Darfur,” says Bernie Snedgrass of Haymarket, VA. After the recent Israeli bombings, Snedgrass changed his flight plan from Gaza to Darfur and told Discord reporters. “I would rather take in historic bullet-riddled Africa.” Snedgrass also hopes to find some real Somalian pirates as well as Obama’s real birth certificate.

“The ‘Atrocities in Ten Cities’ candlelight tour is supposed to be must see genocide,” continues Snedgrass. “Besides, everyone knows that North Africa is the new Palestine.”

The Daily Discord’s Chief Executive Pierce Winslow is amidst a political firestorm that can only be described as a political firestorm.  Winslow is adamantly denying any connection to the recent arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.  U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald’s office is in possession of several phone conversations—one of which allegedly includes Mr. Winslow attempting to purchase Barak Obama’s vacated Senate seat.  Whereas Mr. Winslow is clearly heard offering part of the Discord’s recent two billion dollar bailout fund for the Senate seat in question, the conversation is garbled by dingbats and expletives.

The key phrase investigators are focusing on what occurred on December 1^st, when Winslow is heard shouting: “I want that &*^%ing Senate seat, dip &*^%, or I’ll come over their myself and stick a *@&^  #*&^% with forceps you *&^%$ %^& #*&*^9$& sick &*&^ with bacon bits.  Winslow is also quoted as saying, “F*&* me, Blagojevich?  F&*^ You, you &**^%$ &^*# Cornel Wilde *&^%ing *&^% *&^&!”

Head attorney at the Discord, Mr. G. Shaman believes the garbled nature of the message renders it “F&#@ing moot” and, furthermore, promises to clean his own system prior to the court proceedings.

US diplomats are urging Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to simplify his last name, or change it outright.  “Something needs to be done for the sake of both diplomacy and locution,” says Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent Cokie McGrath.  Even President Bush himself told Ahmadinejad, “Remember those twenty six words that never should have been said during that infamous State of the Union Address?  Well, you’re name is longer.”  Iranian operatives suggest the Iranian President might be willing to drop the “jad” off the end in exchange for weapons technology.

Springfield, ??—Joseph "Putin" Quimby won Re-election today in a landslide victory over his opponent, Grounds Keeper Willy. Pundits believe that Super PAC funds from an unnamed nuclear power plant owner, and rampant voter intimidation sealed the deal for the incumbent.

Even Quimby’s harshest critics did not deny how animated he’s been throughout this campaign. Quimby, affectionately known to locals as Joe the Mayor, ran on a record of creating the 6-1/2 day work week, the squelching of all local unions, and the complete gutting of regulations at Springfield’s nuclear power plant.

Quimby told reporters, "Aside from their close proximity, there is no proven connection between the power plant and the three-eyed fish." The Mayor also claimed the many glowing objects in the surrounding area "actually help people see at night and increases tourism."

During the course of the race Quimby’s team, the committee to Re-elect the mayor, or CREEM, further developed that argument, eventually using the issue as a standing talking-point. They claimed it demonstrated the opponent party’s "well-known callous disregard for human life, [as the] Liberals once again put their love for enviro-fascism ahead of the welfare and safety of Mr. Burns…er, the American people."

The Mayor’s oft invoked slogan, "You Don’t Eat the Fish’s Eyes Anyway" was met with wild cheers from his supporters.

Quimby refused to comment on his competition’s not-so-gracious consolation speech where several people were injured as Willy drove a tractor over supporters and critics alike, pumping his fists and shouting things decidedly Scottish.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition...if he had any."

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack "would only stir the hornet’s nest."

"Who knows how they will retaliate," said the Discord’s Mick Zano. "We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns."

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. "For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List," said Zano.

London, GB—Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy attended last week’s London premiere of The Muppets. During the event, British reporters asked the pair what they thought about the growing tension between Fox News and the popular Hensonites. The cable news giant is also particularly angry at the Muppet, Animal, for urinating on Roger Ailes at the Propaganda for Dummies Symposium in San Diego last month.

When specifically questioned about Fox’s assertion the movie has a liberal agenda, Kermit said, "If we have a problem with oil companies, why would we have spent the entire film driving around a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce?"

Miss Piggy then chimed in, "It's almost as laughable as accusing Fox News of, you know, being news."

The Daily Discord later asked if the couple wished to retract their statements. "Certainly not," said Kermit, "and I can tell you another thing: with Fox News around it aint easy being green."

Miss Piggy stated she was more concerned about conservative’s recent racist attacks against Muppets in general, and added, "I know the women of Fox News are attractive, but to me it’s all just lipstick on a pig."

She then asked to have her statement retracted, which we will now do:

Please do not read that last statement from Miss Piggy.

See Fox? That’s how you do a retraction. You should try it.

Rome, IT—Francesco Schettino, the Captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, is being sought in connection to the fire that consumed his own apartment in Rome Monday. The incident completely torched the 17-unit apartment building in which the Captain was recently confined, pending a full investigation of his recent cruise ship tragedy.

After cooking a Franco American product for dinner, Schettino told the press, "Mistakes were made. I don’t usually cook for myself. I have people for that."

Local authorities claim, Capt. Schettino immediately called the Judge in the Concordia case and said, "The building, she is ablaze!"

The Judge ordered him back into the flaming structure and questioned why he didn’t call the Italian Fire Service first. Capt. Schettino said he tried to, but had already tripped out of the fire escape and landed in an alley dumpster, where he spent the next 45 minutes trying to find his cell phone.

"So whose cell phone are you using to call me?" asked the Judge. Schettino responded with a crackling noise as if he was losing the signal and then hung up.

Capt. Schettino allegedly tried to follow the judge’s order by reentering the building, but somehow jammed his recently recovered cell phone into the base of the lobby’s revolving door, trapping several dozen egressing tenants inside of the burning structure. Authorities claim Schettino did manage to set off a warning flare that only served to set fire to a nearby building. The Captain later admitted, "Flares seem to work best over water."

The controversial Captain also denies sailing the apartment building too close to the rocky shoreline on a request from the women in 3B. "That’s just silly," said Schettino. "And, as for the fire, it could not have been prevented. The fire extinguisher malfunctioned and shot a white powdery substance right into my face."