Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

"We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt," said Obama. "And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment."

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, "We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars."

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, "Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion."

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. "I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad," said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

"...the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle," as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…"

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, "We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!"

Edmonton, Alberta—"The Great One" has a new meaning today for hockey fans, as many are calling this Canadian tragedy the "fart heard ‘round the world".   Survivors claim there was a grunt, a ptththt, and a massive explosion after Adam Pardy of the Calgary Flames slammed into Zack Stortini of the Edmonton Oilers during the second period of last night's game. The explosion left 57 dead and hundreds more unable to make it to the concession stand for the remainder of the game.

Canadian newspapers have not commented on the civilian deaths but are worried about the three Oilers and four Flames who may not return for the final two games of the season.

"It’s a travesty," said NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman.  "Calgary had a shot at the playoffs."

The dead players are not expected to return, but the ones who only lost limbs are expected to play if their respective team makes the playoffs.

"Hockey checks, flames, oil, and farts are a volatile mixture. It’s worse than Bone, Zano, and the Shaman at an open bar," commented Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop.  "This incident was just a matter of time.  It’s like playing with fire…and oil…and farts."  

The big game has the most expensive time slots on television.  This year, since even Budweiser has taken a pass on super bowl commercials, CBS is scrambling to fill their spots with ‘vintage NFL commercials and halftime moments,’ including Janet Jackson’s infamous c-cup debacle.

"The shock value will be gone this year, of course," said CBS president Sean McManus, "but viewers will be more prepared to enjoy the boobage, set their DVRs or, in some cases, cover the eyes of their young ones."

McManus reports having missed the first airing of Jackson’s breast because, "I was in the can."

When asked why CBS doesn’t simply lower the cost of these spots to match these difficult times, McManus only laughed.  CBS and the National Football League understand the lack of new beer commercials will create a void in the lives of football fans everywhere.  So CBS and the NFL are suggesting that during breaks this year people consider intercourse.  CBS would also like to add the word consensual. And, of course, they suggest an alternative if you’re at a sports bar or in some other public place.

"Oh, and if you’re single," added McManus, "Go fuck yourself."

McManus later added the qualifier, "but in a good way" to his earlier statement.

Isleworth, Fl—Apparently, it does. First it makes a sound like a golf club repeatedly hitting a windshield, then it makes a sound like crackling fiberglass and splintering wood.   This account comes from a family of squirrels, who, now homeless, are filing a civil suite against the Woods-es-es. 

The Daily Discord is the first major sponsor to be dropping Mr. Woods as a direct result of the incident.

"I can no longer support him," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow.  "A Cadillac, Tiger?  Ram your Toyota Corolla into every damn tree in Florida, but I will not endorse a golf guy who can not drive a Caddy (pardon the golf pun). Besides, who drives around at 2:30AM sober?  There should be a law against that."

Mr. Winslow also went on to tell the press his intentions to marry Mrs. Woods.

"But when you email me, Elin, please say you’re technical support, or something.  Talk in an Indian accent…Not Hopi, you stupid git, India Indians.  Think of Apu from the Simpsons. Wait, my wife’s coming.  Act casual, say nothing."

Winnipeg, MB—The start of training camp for the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets met with tragedy last weekend.  The team had just moved to the great white north from Atlanta, GA for the beginning of the 2011-2012 season. Only minutes after the start of their first formal practice, the entire team froze to death right in the arena. Apparently the players could not adjust to the sudden change from Warm Oceanic (Cfa) to a more Temperate Continental (Dfa) climate.

"We should have known better," stated Jim Ludlow, CEO of True North Sports and Entertainment, owner of the Winnipeg Jets. "When the last team moved from Winnipeg to Phoenix, the team never made it off the tarmac.  The entire team spontaneously combusted right there at Sky Harbor Airport. The folks down in Phoenix had to have a barbeque fundraiser to put together a new team.  Luckily, they had plenty of cooked meat on-hand.  The Koho Coyote skewer was a real crowd pleaser."

Prior to the move to Winnipeg there was talk of originally moving the team to Kansas City. In hindsight that would probably have been a more prudent move.

When asked what the path forward was for the Winnipeg Jets, Mr. Ludlow replied, "I guess we’ll have an ice-cream social."

Vancouver, BC—Eleven seconds into overtime, the Boston Bruins goaltender, Tim Thomas, dove away from his crease, allowing the Canuck’s to score into an empty net and win game two of the Stanley Cup finals.  As a result, the NHL and the Rogers Arena in Vancouver is charging the goaltender for all of the costs accrued to keep the building heated, lit, and the ice cleaned between the third period and the aforementioned eleven second overtime period.

"I had to fight throngs of Canadian types to get a hot dog, and then I didn’t even get back to my seat in time," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.  "We were looking for some overtime energy, some great plays, incredible feats, and what did we get?  Bupkis, that’s what."

"I got that ice all friggin’ shiny for what, eh?!" complained a Zamboni driver at Vancouver’s Rogers Arena.   "That’s fifteen minutes of circling at low speeds that I’ll never get back, eh."

The ‘eh’ is Canadian for ‘you know.’

According to the script, presented to the teams weeks ahead of time, one of those Sedin twins was supposed to score on a breakaway in double overtime.  This dramatic conclusion was completely derailed by the goaltender’s near immediate flub. 

"It was the finals," said Bettman, "And it was a Saturday night game.  A lot of thought went into the choreography for this event, so I don’t have any sympathy for that bozo.  He can pay the damned bill, and for my hot dog!"

Los Angeles, CA—Not to be outdone, LA Laker MVP, Kobe Bryant, has decided to take a page from the LeBron James playbook.  In reaction to LeBron’s highly rated telecast "The Decision," Bryant will be announcing the city where he plans his next unwanted, lewd sex acts during a special one-hour announcement, entitled "The Indiscretion."  Bryant is planning on doing something inappropriate to someone, but he’s not saying where—at least, not until his show airs on ESPN at 8PM next Thursday.  In a whimsical fashion, Bryant explained to the press his intentions to "take his talents to some bitch."  An obvious reference to LeBron’s comment last week, "I’m taking my talents to South Beach."      

When Bryant was asked why the copycat ploy, Bryant called it "a tit for a tat."  He hopes to roll into town next week and steal some of the thunder from LeBron’s publicity stunt, as well as some unwilling snatch.

"It’s win-win," said Bryant.

Many of America’s mayors are offering the key to their cities to Bryant, along with their daughters, wives, and significant others.  Mayor Bloomberg of New York is allegedly sweetening the pot for Bryant if he chooses the Big Apple.

"This will be just like the movie Indecent Proposal," said Bloomberg.  "Only minus the proposal part."

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Philadephia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is throwing his weight around again by trying to push out prospective owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, Matthew Hulsizer, by planning to purchase the NHL team out from under him.

When asked how he plans to finance the team, Winslow replied, "I’m using bailout funds…oh, um, I mean, I’m putting it on my credit card."

When asked why the Coyotes, he said, "You can get Guinness on tap at Jobing.com. That’s about it. Who cares if there’s a hockey team there? Have you ever been to West Gate? Right outside of Glendale Arena there’s over 100 different beers on tap at the Yard House. The place is awesome!"

Winslow has only a few rules for his new team, the most controversial remains: the team is not permitted to take any points from the Detroit Red Wings, home or away. Also, Winslow will be playing right wing when he’s in town.

"I used to play ice hockey on the Phantoms here in Philadelphia. I was pretty good. Oh, and I played intramurals in college with Zano and Atsals. We made it to the finals one year—F-ing Lambda Chi’s."

NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman, denies any deal in the works with the eccentric e-zine owner.

"I don’t know any Pierce Winslow," said Bettman. "If he is interested in the Coyotes he needs to go through the normal vetting process."

Winslow told Bettman "Stop living in denial. As soon as I outbid Lemieux and Burkle on you, I’ll be a shoe-in. You’ll be my little bitch just like everyone else around here. Zano, make me a sandwich and FedEx it to me 2^nd day."

He also warned Coyote coach, Dave Tippett, "The Coyotes are going to need to feed me the puck a lot or I’m benching someone’s ass. And where’s my &*^%ing sandwich!?!?!?"

Washington D.C.—The U.S. National Park Service announced today that Canada has been sold to the Exxon Mobil Corporation so they can to do "whatever they see fit."

In a press release today, Jonathan Jarvis, Director of the NPS, stated "As we all know, Canada is simply the largest suburb of the United States, and they have been nothing but a pain in the ass, what with their play money, insistence that they are a real country, and over use of the adverb 'eh'. This is an opportunity for the U.S. to alleviate a portion of the Federal deficit, close the foreign oil gap, and shut those fuckin' canucks up for good."

Jarvis later asked to have the word "fuckin’" removed from his statement and placed in a to-go pouch.

Rex Tillerson, the CEO of Exxon Mobile added, "As Canada’s new landlords, we really don’t want to appear insensitive, so our theme Drill, Baby, Drill has been Canadianized to Drill, Eh, Drill to reflect our northern neighbor’s rich culture.  And, of course, they can keep their hockey. But the shale drilling will be impacting the ground water almost immediately, so, in a preemptive move, all hockey will be played on black ice with a white puck.  Frankly, we think it’ll be cooler anyway."

When asked if there was any connection between this hasty business venture and the recent loss of the Olympic Gold Medal in Hockey, Tillerson replied, "None that I am aware of, but if they would see fit to extradite that war criminal, Sid the Kid, then...I mean, uh, no."