London, GB—Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy attended last week’s London premiere of The Muppets. During the event, British reporters asked the pair what they thought about the growing tension between Fox News and the popular Hensonites. The cable news giant is also particularly angry at the Muppet, Animal, for urinating on Roger Ailes at the Propaganda for Dummies Symposium in San Diego last month.

When specifically questioned about Fox’s assertion the movie has a liberal agenda, Kermit said, "If we have a problem with oil companies, why would we have spent the entire film driving around a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce?"

Miss Piggy then chimed in, "It's almost as laughable as accusing Fox News of, you know, being news."

The Daily Discord later asked if the couple wished to retract their statements. "Certainly not," said Kermit, "and I can tell you another thing: with Fox News around it aint easy being green."

Miss Piggy stated she was more concerned about conservative’s recent racist attacks against Muppets in general, and added, "I know the women of Fox News are attractive, but to me it’s all just lipstick on a pig."

She then asked to have her statement retracted, which we will now do:

Please do not read that last statement from Miss Piggy.

See Fox? That’s how you do a retraction. You should try it.

Rome, IT—Francesco Schettino, the Captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, is being sought in connection to the fire that consumed his own apartment in Rome Monday. The incident completely torched the 17-unit apartment building in which the Captain was recently confined, pending a full investigation of his recent cruise ship tragedy.

After cooking a Franco American product for dinner, Schettino told the press, "Mistakes were made. I don’t usually cook for myself. I have people for that."

Local authorities claim, Capt. Schettino immediately called the Judge in the Concordia case and said, "The building, she is ablaze!"

The Judge ordered him back into the flaming structure and questioned why he didn’t call the Italian Fire Service first. Capt. Schettino said he tried to, but had already tripped out of the fire escape and landed in an alley dumpster, where he spent the next 45 minutes trying to find his cell phone.

"So whose cell phone are you using to call me?" asked the Judge. Schettino responded with a crackling noise as if he was losing the signal and then hung up.

Capt. Schettino allegedly tried to follow the judge’s order by reentering the building, but somehow jammed his recently recovered cell phone into the base of the lobby’s revolving door, trapping several dozen egressing tenants inside of the burning structure. Authorities claim Schettino did manage to set off a warning flare that only served to set fire to a nearby building. The Captain later admitted, "Flares seem to work best over water."

The controversial Captain also denies sailing the apartment building too close to the rocky shoreline on a request from the women in 3B. "That’s just silly," said Schettino. "And, as for the fire, it could not have been prevented. The fire extinguisher malfunctioned and shot a white powdery substance right into my face."

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

"We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt," said Obama. "And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment."

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, "We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars."

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, "Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion."

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. "I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad," said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

"...the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle," as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…"

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, "We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!"

Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.

"This could not have happened at a worse time," said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.

One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, "That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!"

The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.

"It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government," responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. "So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain," said Merkel, "but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses."

Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.

"The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system."

"I don’t know what to do with myself," said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. "I don't care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy."

The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking...with their mouths...to reporters and other journalist types.

"What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent," said Gingrich. "And I live for that shit."

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is struggling with its own identity as they may well lose the 2012 election, despite a toxic economy not seen since their guy. They really haven’t been able to narrow down the field to that one candidate who will best bring about the rapture.

"We lost Trump, Beck, and Palin," said radio talk show personality, Rush Limbaugh, "anyone of whom is unstable enough to meet our needs. Then came Perry, because we thought, hmmm, only a swaggering Texan could pick up where W left off."

To the horror of the GOP, Republican candidates are imploding right and righter.

"It’s not so much their gross lack of understanding of foreign and domestic policy," said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. "That’s part of the GOP’s charm, but they’re clearly underachieving in the ever-important ‘I-would-like-to-have-a-beer-with-you’ likability scale."

"They’re just not BBQ friendly," said Limbaugh. "Perry would lose track of the conversation and then probably vomit on you. Cain would immediately start to demean and grope all of your women folk and Michele Bachmann, hell, if her anti-psychotics dip below the therapeutic dosage, she’ll be grilling your pets!"

"We despise Ron Paul for being way too correct about stuff years ago," added Hannity, "and Newt Gingrich only scores well on the ‘I-would-like-to-dump-a-beer-on-your-head’ dickishness scale. So it looks like we’re forced to go with the flip-flopping, magic underwear-wearing moderate."

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

"I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front," said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. "But even cash advance places are turning us down," said Obama. "We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there."

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, "I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy."

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, barely escaped the Occupy Flagstaff rally on Saturday after several of her incendiary remarks left protestors angered. Having camped out at the Flagstaff City Council Building all afternoon, the protestors grew increasingly hostile and malodorous.

"Do you smell Patchouli? God, I hope that’s Patchouli," said McGrath through watery eyes and held nose. "The stench of these anti-political Patchouli-smelling peeps makes me want to puke…and the event only started a couple of hours ago."

McGrath waded into the unwashed masses and interviewed a man named Chris and his friend, V (the real V from Vendetta, not one of his helpers). Neither of them could agree on much, but they’re both furious with the man, whoever he is.

Protestors had a lot to say on the topic of reforming capitalism; their answers ranged from "scrap it" all the way to "what was Bret Michaels thinking by picking that last skanky ho-bag?"

Not a single protestor acknowledged the existence of the Daily Discord’s Occupy Wal*Mart movement. The Discord staff maintains this Occupy group pales in comparison to the Discord’s own universal galactic hostile takeover of Wal*Mart.

Normally the water canon is used to disperse angry mobs, but in this case Flagstaff officials used a lethal combination of ammonia and bleach to both kill and disinfect the crowd.

Finally, after several showers and an hour in her own personal fumigation chamber, McGrath added, "We don’t know why they came, we don’t know when they will leave, but I do know one thing: there’s not enough Febreze in northern Arizona to make this situation right."

New York, NY—The Occupy Wall Street protests turned ugly earlier today, as the E*Trade baby was jumped and pummeled on the corner of Wall and Nassau Street in the heart of New York’s financial district.  Protestors immediately recognized the commercial celebrity and then managed to separate him from his pre-k reunion before ruthlessly working him over.

NYPD was able to intervene, but not before the baby suffered numerous bruises and possible shaken baby syndrome.

"Yeah, well you should see the other guy," joked the baby to the press today. "I told the schmucks, I said, ‘hey, I’m toddling here!’"

On behalf of the City of New York, Mayor Bloomberg apologized for the incident, "This is not what the Big Apple is all about.  Well maybe…but not with diaper-clad toddlers!"

"I was just heading over to the Capital Grille with a colleague for the pureed beef carpaccio and these goons surround us," said the baby.  "I’m like, look, dipshits, I do my transactions back home with a full back load, if you follow.  E*Trade is all about, umm, E*Trading!  I tell ya, these dumb hippies need to get their movement straight."

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama announced his proposal to essentially freeze-dry the entire continental United States from sunny Miami to rainy Seattle. This harsh, potentially dangerous, process will be undertaken in the hopes future economists will gain the tools and knowledge necessary to once again create American jobs.

"This isn’t about blame anymore," said Obama. "It’s about fighting the hiring freeze with a bigger freeze.  Farmers will be compensated for any crops destroyed by freezer-burn and my Cash for Carsicles program will offer government aid to any cars irreparably damaged during the process."

Republican opposition came quickly.

"This is just an attempt to extend his presidency indefinitely," said radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. "Look, the day we defrost as a nation, if this president had the courage and wisdom to step aside, he would have Republican support."

The White House used a power point presentation complete with images of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite, as well as an enthusiastic endorsement from the Snow Miser, of The Year without a Santa Claus fame.

Obama concluded the presentation by adding, "Just think of it; we could choose not to thaw Biden’s mouth, not to mention parts of Newark."

Boston, MA—The security of the Mitt Romney3000, as seen on TV, has been compromised this week.  Hackers were able to gain access to some of the Romney 3000’s secure files while it was in sleep mode.  Romney handlers are not sure the extent of the breech, but warn sensitive data might be in the wrong hands at this hour.

"Thankfully I have nothing to hide," said one Romney3000 model.  "I have been programmed to avoid any and all scandals and to adapt to any political climate or situation." 

Original programmers for the Romney3000 envisioned the presidential candidate actually changing skin tone and dialect to match the desired audience.  The Romney3000 is also believed to be capable of adapting to extreme environments throughout the Universe, such as the surface of Mars or Tea Party rallies.

Romney handlers claim a new and improved firewall has been created to protect Romney and his other mechanical helpers.  They are also upgrading the oral filters and improving the linguistic algorithm to avoid any perception of flip-flopping.

When asked about a potential running mate, the Romney3000 said, "Team Romney will choose the appropriate humanoid running mate, preferably one with Windows compatible software."

Lexington, SC—With Sarah Palin out and Michele Bachmann still trailing Romney in the polls, real Americans have become really desperate for that perfect spokesperson. The Tea Party is happy to announce they are now rallying behind a single voice—a person who best represents their values.

It all started when a Facebook Tea Party MeetUp group made a startling YouTube discovery.  They happened to play a quote from a Miss Teen U.S.A. finalist from 2007, during which she was asked, "A fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

She responded, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such…etc."

"We knew right then Bachmann and Palin had nothing on this chick," said MeetUp organizer Bess Thompson. 

Caitlyn Upton, now 22, was then approached by the Tea Party group and Upton told them, "I am honored to work with real U.S.A. Americans again, uh, on such an import Liberty Bells of freedom thing, uh, such as South Africa and Iraq, and such."

"She had me from hello" said Thompson. "Even though, technically, she didn’t say hello." 

Further questioning revealed Upton greeted the Tea People with an "uh" and a grunt, and then mumbled something about Hooters.

When questioned about her Liberty Bell comment, she replied, "When Douglas Adams climbed the Liberty Bell tower and took pot shots at the electoral college, and South Africa and Iraq and wherever.  That’s freedom, bitches!"

The Daily Discord staff admits to adding the "bitches" part.

Clear Lake, IA—Newt Gingrich, the out of control right wing mouth piece, is still burning today, but pundits claim the buffoon is nearly 70% contained at this hour.   For many tense weeks, it looked as if Gingrich would incinerate huge swaths of America.  Last month, he completely burned the Ryan Plan forcing Republicans to work around the clock to extinguish sections of the ignited document.  In Dallas, after several aides resigned from his campaign, an attempt was made to drive Gingrich east into Lake Ray Hubbard.  Unfortunately, he was able to jump a firebreak and escape. 

"We now have him surrounded in Iowa," announced House Speaker John Boehner. "We were concerned he would keep talking, but now his fiery often contradictory rhetoric is finally smoldering."

When asked if high political winds could rekindle Gingrich’s campaign, Boehner said, "Not likely.  No one is going to fan those flames."

Just to be on the safe side, Iowa’s Governor, Terry Branstad, is urging residents to keep all accelerants and all microphones away from the former Speaker.

"Gingrich is currently holed up over in Clear Lake," said Branstad, "where no media is getting in or out.  Unfortunately, he does have access to his social sites, so be the first of your friends to Not Like."

Wasilla, AK—Earlier today Sarah Palin announced her intentions to donate the parts of her brain associated with higher executive function to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.  The two are believed to have made a pact that if only one should run for president, the other would donate her grey matter to the cause.  Palin and Bachmann will undergo a controversial procedure previously only accomplished in film and television. 

"They will be an unstoppable force," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill.   "Just think of it…the petty, childlike cognitions of Palin enhancing the flaky, almost psychotic neural misfirings of Bachmann.  They’ll be the perfect Republican candidate!"

Scores of flag waving morons are already gathering around Palin’s old Wasilla home with pitchforks and torches of encouragement.  Palin spent the last several hours reminding the mob, via megaphone, that her brain should only be removed at the time of the transfer by proper licensed neurocosmotologists.

The Daily Discord covered a similar story in June of 2008.   Their controversial coverage involved the conjoined Obama/Hillary ticket, O’Hillary.  Sadly, the Discord staff has yet to come up with an appropriate name for the conjoined ticket of Senators Al Franken and Diane Feinstein.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein

The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh.  Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing.  The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.

"They are clearly violating his rights," said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU.  "What is the deal with the ocean anyway?  It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F--ing zoo!  These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character."

When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, "I’m glad you brought that up to the surface.  We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily.  There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh.  But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice!  Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!"

Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.

Middle Earth—Inspired by the Middle East, the Middle-Earth prepared to deal Sauron, the Dark Lord, a wicked blow by organizing an adversarial Meetup group at the Orcs’ Lodge in Lower Mordor.

Unfortunately for the orc uprising, Sauron monitors all online transmissions.  Big wizard is watching!  In retaliation, the sorcerer sent a devastating shockwave from the Dark Tower of Barad-dûr earlier today with fatal consequences.  The bulk of the energy was directed at the Orcs’ Lodge—the blast arrived amidst the Meetup group, disrupting further meaningful online discussion.  Witnesses claim the explosion was felt as far West as Minas Tirith and rattled the flagons as far east as the Scrotum & Mallet deep in the crevice of the Grey Mountains.  The thaumic burst killed an estimated 1,700 orcs and scattered tens of thousands more of the unsavory creatures throughout Middle-Earth. 

Despite the setback for the rebellion, the orc general, Gothmog, is holding out hope that his Twitter account could organize the disenchanted forces of evil much faster.

"Twitter will bring the Dark Lord to his knees!  Besides, I got 27 more followers last week and one of them even knows a cave troll who sympathizes with our cause."

Gothmog has now been focusing his energies on Tweeting the Goblins over in the Mines of Moria and plans to Meetup with them very soon.

Did entrepreneur and Republican candidate, Donald Trump give the American people false information about his hair loss? Some believe he has created a hybrid-type double-weave comb-over from hell (HTDWCO). If this is true, and if he lied about it, does it have implications for his presidential bid?

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Salon, said, "If this is a cover up, it’s the biggest one in the history of politics and hairdressing!"

Hogbein believes Trump is guilty of improper follicular manipulation on an unprecedented scale. Donald’s supporters claim the Discord is literally splitting hairs (sorry, we were allotted one bad hair pun).

Hogbein, the unofficial leader of this Mirther movement and creator of The One True Follicle Theory is asking for proof, "If he’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t he just end this controversy by allowing America to run their fingers through his hair?"

Many feel Trump is a hair loss denier. Still others insist if Trump wants to remain a viable candidate for the U.S. presidency, he needs to answer this Watergatesque question, "Where does it really grow and how does he blow it?"

Ask your doctor if Republican Rogaine is right for you.

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the 'architect' from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

"We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled," said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, "and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest."

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

"Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople," said Murdoch.  "They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2."

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

Cairo, EG—In lieu of exile, President Mubarak has chosen to be placed in the King’s Chamber, located in the heart of the Great Pyramid of Giza, surrounded by family, friends, and his cabinet.

"This is not about me," said Mubarak, "But the Great Pyramid of Mubarak does have a nice ring to it, eh?"

"I don’t want to cause a fuss," continued Mubarak. "So let my legacy show I was a man of compromise. Look, King Tut got one and he ruled less than a decade, pussy. I should get three pyramids by that math! It’s not like I’m asking to be put up over in the Valley of the Kings or something. The rent over there is ridiculous."

To ease the transition, the U.S. has offered to put Mubarak up in the Luxor in Vegas, but the President is adamant about remaining in Egypt.

"Exile is not what it is used to be," said Mubarak. "No, I think that me, the Great Pyramid, a flat screen, a fridge, and some cold ones and I’ll be good to go."

If his demands are met, he plans to restore the Internet to Egypt on his last day in office,.

"Oh, but Ethernet cable will need to be run for sure," added Mubarak. "According to my IT guys, WiFi will be virtually impossible under six-million tons of limestone."

Narnia—Weapon’s inspector’s confirmed many of our worst fears today.  Narnia has the ability to produce large quantities of a high yield Cintamanite, a mythical substance found only at the Fords of Beruna in east central Narnia. 

"This has great implications for the War on Fiction," said General David Petraeus.

The White House, meanwhile, is refusing to comment on rumors the Narnians were aided in Cintamanite-enriching technologies by Canada.  

Experts believe Cintamanite can nearly double the range and effectiveness of their wooden catapults, as seen during the siege of Cair Paravel in the second film. Some believe it may also enhance the taste of certain seafood recipes.

Rush Limbaugh is using this event to further embarrass The White House.

"Obama has done nothing to prevent this.  First Iran, then North Korea, and now Narnia! What’s next on Obama’s watch…is Sauron going to reclaim Mordor?"

Prince Caspian, now deemed an agent of terror and an enemy of the real world, is claiming his troops will utilize guerrilla warfare against the U.S. if further provoked.

"Actually, it’s more of a half gorilla, half goat," added Caspian.  "They can jump out of a cupboard anywhere, any time. Heck, they can even appear out of a picture hanging on your living room wall.  How’s Napolitano going to handle that, bitches?" 

The President encouraged Americans to keep these developments in perspective, and stated, "Narnia poses no threat to free nations. The saber rattling over in Narnia is just that, saber rattling…literally." 

Narnia—The Shuddering Wood earned its name after two violent explosions occurred earlier today.  The aftermath of a Predator Drone attack left seven innocent mythical creatures dead, dozens injured, and many others asking the question, how could this have happened in a mythical place?  The number of U.S. Drone attacks on Narnian soil has increased markedly in recent weeks, which has further strained Narnian-U.S. relations.  The Pentagon is calling the botched drone attack "a major fuck-up."  Major Fuckup was unavailable for comment. 

Four minotaurs, two centaurs, and one faun were reportedly frolicking near the western end of the Shuddered Wood when eye witnesses claim all hell broke loose.

"It was all really peaceful like and then, all of a sudden, the manure hit the windmill," said Nimienus a local faun.  "That’s not a metaphor, there’s still a clump dangling off one of the mill’s sails."

The Drone attacks were ordered after the Pentagon received what they thought to be a credible tip regarding the whereabouts of the White Witch.  President Obama called the incident "deeply regrettable" and extended his sincerest apology to Prince Caspian.  Obama hopes the White Witch will be apprehended soon and that U.S. and Narnian relations can return toward "an agenda based on mythical goals and mythical respect."

"But until then," Obama warned, "I’m dropping more bombs on that evil bitch’s ass."

CyberSpace—Julian Assange has unleashed his next wave of devastation and this time it’s personal.  His latest WikiLeaks dump reveals a bevy of unethical journalistic behavior over at the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord.  The dump shows an epidemic of invented news events, fictitious sources, and fabricated letters to the editor.

"Bullshit!" responded CEO Pierce Winslow. "We don’t even have an editor.  Assange is dead! Dead! I’ll bend him into a little stool pigeon pretzel and feed him to Dick Cheney.  Well, a no-salt version, of course, due to our former VP’s blood pressure."

When asked if there was any truth to the sea of allegations, Winslow said, "Hell no.  I don’t think Assange used a condom for this one either, nor any lubricant."

Winslow then released the hounds, the flying monkeys, and the seven plagues of Egypt, before issuing a dire warning, "Doesn’t Assange realize that finding out what the government is up to is just how Nazi Germany started?"

Enlarge...

Hollywood, CA-The Daily Discord has proof the Obama’s recent Gulf swim was displayed through the lens of, none other than, director Stanley Kubrick.  The event was staged, a fraud, a sham! Inside sources believe the scene was filmed on the soundstage where Kubrick filmed, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Spartacus, and that last Friends episode.  Republicans are, of course, trying to make as much political hay as possible out of this event by turning it into 2010: A Race Odyssey. 

Our own roving reporter, Bald Tony, cornered former astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, in a Kwik E Mart earlier today and asked him if the moon landing was also staged by Kubrick.  Aldrin became incensed and hurled several Hostess products at our reporter before a convenience store clerk, Apu Nahasa-something-or-other, intervened.

"Easy on my Twinkies, you Ding Dongs!"

Many are calling the Discord’s evidence "doctored" and "PhotoShopped."  The CEO of the popular e-zine, Pierce Winslow, defends the unnamed source of the photo.

"The picture clearly shows the Obamas swimming on the moon.  I don’t know what more proof you need than that," said Winslow.

Seven Pakistani men are in custody today and many are asking the question "how could this have not happened?"

Thanks to a missed memo, the CIA was able to thwart an attack against the Vice President’s mouth.  The plot was foiled despite a recent Rasmussen poll revealing over 90% of those polled actually believe the attack should have been allowed to commence unhindered.  The intelligence community admits there was incessant terrorist chatter to finally put an end to the Vice President’s incessant chatter in the days leading up to the planned attack.  The seven men accused were caught possessing enough explosives to blow Biden’s mouth clean off of his face. 

"We had plenty of notice to not stop the attack on the Vice President’s mouth," said CIA head Leon Panetta.  "We knew the attack was coming, but we stopped it anyhow.  I take full responsibility for Joe Biden’s continued ability to speak."

Head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, understands America’s desire to shut Joe Biden’s mouth but is accused of spinning the story, thusly:  "I get it.  Remember, I have to sit next to the guy in meetings.  But what if Biden’s mouth could be used for good?  We could broadcast it along our southern border to deter illegals, or threaten its use against North Korea, or maybe even use it against BP executives."

Hi, I’m Bernie Fredrickson. I’ve lived along the Gulf Coast my whole life and I’ve been hired by BP recently to doctor photos from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. We at BP have vowed to make the Gulf waters a little bluer, the sea fowl a little whiter, and the oil gusher a little less gusherier. Gusherier is a word, we checked with Sarah Palin. See? We spared no expense and now it’s in our mission statement, bitches.

We’re committed to help the worst oil spill in U.S. history look better and better, one pixel at a time. Bottom line, we’re going to make things right, albeit only virtually. I feel that if I can help people stop all the worrying, I’ve done my job. You’d be surprised how many times PhotoShopping living eye balls onto a dead pelican can make all the difference. Besides, think of all the seafood you can fry up without ever having to add any oil? In a recession, I call that win win! Like my CEO always says, money saved is money earned. We PhotoShopping wizards at BP are working around the clock for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to Houdini out a gazillion tar balls strewn across the beach pics of Pensacola.

BP has announced that each day the Deepwater Horizon gusher is now releasing over 5,000 barrels of Guinness into the Gulf of Mexico.  BP believes the switchover from oil to Guinness happened sometime yesterday, around ‘happy hour.’  Only moments after the announcement, distributors and beer enthusiasts across the globe created several viable plans to not only cap the well, but to salvage the majority of the beer already in the Gulf.

"This turn of events has mobilized a world response like no other," said CEO Tony Hayward. "Well, at least not since the great Michelob eruption of 72."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes this discovery will radically change our understanding of prehistory.  New theories about the extinction of the dinosaurs have already surfaced.  Did the Irish kill off the dinosaurs, or at least their livers?  Even more outlandish theories involve planetary brewing systems and vast networks of ancient interstellar pubcrawlers.  Meanwhile, Dr. Hogbein’s book Chariots of the Grogs remains ignored by the archeological community.

BP is strongly advising against unauthorized attempts to plug the hole by concerned private citizens.

"And under no circumstances should anyone try to drink anything floating in the Gulf," warned Mr. Hayward.  "We have just struck Guinness and it will take several weeks before the first Guinness slicks reach shore.  This does mark the end of the fiasco and the beginning of the fiesta."

Despite the rosy picture BP is painting, critics claim this is the worst case of beer abuse in recorded history…er, well, since the Michelob eruption of 72. 

Are you an independent thinker?  Do you want to earn over 200K a year after taxes?  Taxes that, if you’re hired, you can probably dodge anyway?

Experience needed in writing and public speaking. Must have ability to follow a budget and at least 2 years experience in profit/loss management. Must be proficient in picking the right people for open positions.  Knowledge of U.S. Constitution a must. Need proof of efficiency training. Must prove citizenship. Ability to aim and fire a weapon helpful, but not required.  

Scuba diving certificate and knowledge of deep sea aquatic engineering a plus.

Career politicians, lawyers, and persons affiliated with the far left or the far right-fringe elements NEED NOT APPLY.

Philadephia, PA—The Daily Discord surrendered to authorities today after admitting they created the infamous photo plastered all over the media last week.  The image caused quite a commotion.

Maria Juarez of Guatemala City said, "I recognized the location and shouted, ‘Our day care center! The Earth has devoured our children!’"

"We never thought it would get this far," said Mick Zano, a Discord contributor.  "The hole in the photo looks ridiculously large, spherical, and fake…like Michael Moore."

CEO, Peirce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the incident.

"We picked this image out of four sink hole submissions.  The first had a big eye at the bottom (heh, heh), the second had a Cthulhu-like tentacle coming up out of it, and the last one depicted Reid and Pelosi doing some jungle love action down there.  I really didn’t understand that one.  I decided to keep it simple—just the big hole—and then we submitted the thing to places, and wow!  I wanted to correct the mistake, but sometimes good business is where you find it.  And sometimes, just sometimes, that somewhere is at the bottom of a giant PhotoShopped hole in Guatemala." 

"We thought we could get away with it," said Zano.  "I mean, who reports live from Guatemala?   We probably just fly over it with some secret Predator Blogs, or something.  But, it got too big too fast, so our lawyer suggested we come forward.  He’s a busy man, our lawyer."

If something you submit gets too big, too fast for over four hours, consult your physician immediately. 

Apparently, what happens in international waters, stays in international waters. If pirates are caught by, say, the Dutch Navy, the pirates are often immediately escorted back to Somalia, after being rewarded the complimentary case of Heineken. Forward to last week: the Russians foiled a pirate take-over of one of their own ships. When asked about the fate of the pirates, Vladimir Putin responded thusly:

"Ahhhh, it seems they have all died…of natural causes. We caught them, we had coffee, we smoked, and we let them go.  They took off in their little ship, and we waved goodbye.  We even gave them the complimentary Heineken. All seemed well. Then, it seems, er…they all died. We don’t know why. Not by us, I can assure you. We seem to be missing some bullets, but we see no correlation. One minute they were there, the next "poof" their gone. What a mystery, heh? We looked for them, but to no avail. The Heineken bottles were recovered and consumed by my men. We are shrugging our collective Russian shoulders over the whole thing."

Thank you, Vlad baby, for "dieing" those pirates for us, wink-wink-nudge-nudge. Your testicles are certainly growing. You will need a wheelbarrow for them soon, no? As they say in Italy, when you have oversized nuts, "Walk-a proud, Vlad.  Walk-a proud."

Nashville, TN—Former Vice President Al Gore is downplaying his retreat into seclusion since the recent global warming scandal surfaced.

"I was not hiding for that!" insisted Gore.  "I was getting up the courage to tell the American people my real inconvenient truth."

Gore revealed to a stunned audience that he enjoys dressing like a woman, "even more than Rudy Giuliani."

Gore admitted to reporters that the real motivation behind his "green" activism was the fear that "if the world became too hot, people would notice my fishnet stockings."  Gore added, "Now that my secret is out, I plan to strut my stuff whenever and wherever possible."

Gore ended the press conference by pulling off his suit pants, revealing a pair of silky nylons, to the backdrop of Tim Curry’s version of Sweet Transvestite.

He then attempted to climb a nearby flag pole, yelling, "I am woman, hear me Gore!" before being dragged out of the room by security.  

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the above faux article about the "green" activist who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are eco-activists and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully,

Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.)

PS -- I have never kissed the editor of the Daily Discord.

Springfield, (classified)—A Springfield man is in custody after the discovery that Al-Qaeda operatives have infiltrated several U.S. nuclear power plants.  Springfield’s Mayor, Joe Quimby, wants answers—and not the "Yes" ones that he usually requires of his staff.  Since the plant’s debut in 1989, Mr. Simpson has been involved in several near melt downs while manning the facility’s T-437 Safety Console.  Shockingly, none have resulted in his dismissal.  The owner of the Springfield plant, C. Montgomery Burns, is adamantly denying Simpson’s ties to terrorism.

"If this walking garbage-disposal of a man is Al-Qaeda then I’m Sandra Bullock."

Neighbors describe Simpson as, "Oakily Doakily."  However, Homer Simpson is well known to the local police department.

Chief Clancy Wiggum had this to say, "Simpson’s a menace.  I deal with him and his family almost weekly, usually Sundays 8:00-8:30PM on Fox."

Thus far Simpson’s request to be "Yoo-Hoo boarded" has been denied.  Bush Attorney John Yoo defends the practice of Yoo-Hoo boarding on purely phonetical grounds.

"Besides, how could something so creamy and chocolaty be torture?" said Yoo.

"Mmmm, chocolaty," said Simpson.

Washington, DC - Military witches everywhere are pleased about a potential change in military policy. Existing legislature, established in the early nineties, has prevented those of the Wiccan faith from serving openly in the armed forces.

"Military issue cauldrons for the purpose of casting the evil eye on Al-Qaeda are long overdue," said Colonel Saunders. "Besides, if women want to run around naked outside of the base all night, well, let’s just say I have mighty fine pair of military issue night vision goggles."

When explained that followers of Wicca can be both male and female, Saunders became visibly upset.

"I said witches…witches implies female. Although warlocks have the word ‘war’ in their name, which is cool and all, this here legislature is designed for women folk. Now stop talking about fellas before you turn my voyeuristic exploits into a god-damn sausage fest."

In response, Hecate is bestowing a curse on anyone who witnesses a Wicccan ritual with night vision goggles or any similar such device.

Kabul, Afghanistan—Members of the Afghani government are becoming increasingly frustrated with the recent string of President Hamid Karzai’s poorly conceived morale-boosting events.

"I wore my biggest and my silliest turban on silly hat day," said a disgusted Hassan Rahimi.  "Granted, it’s not much bigger or sillier than any of my other turbans, but I thought there would at least be prizes or something."

"Karzai completely ignored my suggestion that we have a lottery and then stone to death whoever picks the lucky ticket," said another Hassan Rahimi.  "The man ignores the classics!"

"His casual burkha day really sucked," added Abdul Haq of Kandahar. "And don’t even get me started on dunk a Mullah Monday."

"Mistakes have been made," admitted President Karzai.  "I didn’t think I had to specify no IEDs during the lunchroom obstacle course, but live and burn."

The politically embattled president went on to say, "My country still needs something that will unite the Afghani people behind a common cause, like maybe a good pie fight.  If anyone has any ideas, please email me…preferably before Wednesday, which is kiss a camel hump day. I’m really worried about that."

Tehran, Iran - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is denying allegations his country is developing weapons of mass destruction.

"Iran is simply trying to counter the dangers of global warming with a nice nuclear winter," explained Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President hopes to both restore the delicate planetary balance to our shared ecosystem and, perhaps, even win himself the next Chernobyl Peace Prize.

When asked about being under the constant scrutiny of the global community, Ahmadinejad said, "I feel misunderstood, ostracized, and completely exhausted from torturing and killing all of those student protestors over the weekend.  Next they'll be saying our weaponized microbial 'Death to the Great Satan Martyr' project is for some nefarious purpose."

The Iranian President is also insisting his new line of chemical weapons facilities are for humanitarian genocides only.

"Frankly, I'm sick of all the recent nuclear fallout from my targets—I mean critics," said Ahmadinejad.  "I meant critics, really."

Washington, DC—After some brutal negotiations with Chinese officials, President Obama announced to the press he saved the U.S. both the twenty-five dollar annual fee, plus two fifty-dollar late payment charges.  Granted, no progress was made on refinancing or renegotiating our country’s annual percentage rate with our Chinese overlords, but the Obama Administration is hailing this trip as a "major victory.” 

"That’s just the beginning," said Obama’s Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner. "If we transfer our debt over to the EU, they are promising us no interest until 2010!” 

When the Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent, Bald Tony, pointed out how that was only a few weeks from now, Geithner furrowed his brow and stared down at his Blackberry.

"I would much rather shift our impossibly high debt to Europe," said Obama.  "After all, they just got me that Peace Prize thingie.  It’s the least we can do."    

By shifting the U.S. debt to Europe, Obama hopes, "The United States can continue to pay the minimum balance, which should bring the Federal deficit to manageable levels by…what century is Star Trek supposed to take place?"

Obama is denying plans to hang an Interest Accomplished banner across the White House lawn to commemorate his historic visit.

"I don’t want to repeat my predecessor’s mistakes," said Obama.  "I am content to make a whole slew of new ones."

Nowhere, AZ - Doctors ended Mick Zano’s dream of live-blogging Fox News for an unprecedented 24 hour period.  The session ended thirty-seven minutes into the blog fest, when the attending physician, Dr. Sterling Hogbien of the Hogbien Institute and Casino, observed something akin to a psychotic break. The doctor reported that halfway through the show Hannity, Mr. Zano experienced several bouts of maniacal giggling before slipping into a dangerously delusional state.

When asked why the plug was not pulled earlier, Dr. Hogbien stated, "Maniacal giggling and delusions are not far off Zano’s baseline.  When he watches Fox News there are always mood swings, anxiety, and a significant rise in blood pressure, particularly when Sarah Palin is mentioned." 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien told authorities he only went ahead with the experiment after Zano assured him that watching Fox News for increasingly long periods of time had not resulted in any adverse reactions.

"We certainly would never have attempted this had we known what a quivering pile of Jello he would become" said Hogbien. 

When asked if Fox News is dangerous to the general public, Dr. Hogbien said, "Certainly not.  In small doses it is something to be enjoyed, like alcohol.  But too much and, well, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Foxual activity."