Washington, DC—Heartland Congressman, William Marshall, is calling for the immediate banishment of all Muppets and all citizens who test positive for the Muppet gene. Marshall is not alone, as most real Americans feel Muppets are not real, nor are they Americans.

"They aren’t like us. They’re dangerous," said Marshall, an avid X-men fan. "We should identify all of them immediately and send them to that island off the coast of Africa with the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants."

Sarah Palin also joked about hunting Muppets from her helicopter.

"My fellow Americans are right about the need to sepregate these things from the general population," said Palin. Her staff then spent the rest of the night desperately trying to add the word sepregate to Wikipedia.

Radio television personality, Rush Limbaugh, believes, "It’s the job of the government to keep its citizens safe from any and all threats domestic and Fozzy." Limbaugh differs, however, on where to send them. "The Land of Misfit Toys near the North Pole will suffice. Let Santa Claus deal with these Henson genegineered monstrosities!"

Las Vegas, NV—For the first time in many years, Juan Guerra of Henderson, NV is shelving his Elvis Presley impersonator outfit. Guerra, best known as skydiving Elvis #11 in the movie Honeymoon in Vegas (1992), said the transformation for him was a bittersweet one. Mr. Guerra has been donning the same white rhinestone-speckled suit for the better part of twenty years.

"Fremont Street will miss the old routine," said Guerra, "but Elvis has left the building."

As for the decision to change his act to an explorer and famous missing person, Amelia Earhart, Guerra said, "No one personifies Vegas quite like Earhart," said Guerra. "Now that bitch could gamble!"

Mr. Guerra was reluctant to talk about his short-lived attempt in the 90’s to become an Elvira impersonator.

"Doctors just didn’t have the technology to give me the necessary mammarage," said Guerra. "They also warned me if a silicone pouch that size ruptured, it could flood surrounding low lying areas."

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Hobbiton—47 hobbits are missing and presumed dead after Google sent hundreds of unarmed Shire folk into the wilds of middle-Earth to draw the surroundings of each and every path. The ambitious plan was to cover all the land from the Grey Mountains to Mordor. Despite being nearly five years into the project, only an estimated two percent of middle-Earth has been captured in their Path View.

The partially eaten remains of Bimbo Boffin of Bugger Downs was found in a tree north of Bree, and the torn and bloodied clothing of Friskycoot Titgroper of Hobbiton was found in a warg den in the heart of the Misty Mountains.

"We sincerely hope the rest of the Hobbits all make it back safe and sound," said Google CEO, Larry Page. "We only went with Hobbits after the Riders of Rohan and the men of Gondor told us to piss off."

Page went on to extend his deepest sympathies to the families of those devoured.

Page also told reporters, "Google is sending people to help find the other 45 missing Hobbits and that all Path View activity has been suspended until a better strategy, one that doesn't involve Hobbits in any way, can be developed."

New York, NY—Actress Natalie Portman is pregnant with fraternal twins, one male and one female.  Upon hearing the news, she immediately asked for a private conference with Frank Oz, the voice of Yoda.

"I just didn’t know if naming them Luke and Leia would be wise under the circumstances," said Portman. 

Her doctor has the actress on the highest amount of anti-depressants allowed by law.
"We just don’t want to take any chances this time," said Dr. Monrad Curry.  "We will do everything we can to keep her from losing her will to live."

Portman reports being "pretty happy" but agrees that, "In this situation, we should err on the side of fiction." 

When asked about her husband’s recent erratic behavior and his tendency to ruminate darkly about his karate instructor, Portman stated, "Anakin—I mean, Benjamin—is going to be a great father.  He’s a good man, well beyond the corrupting influence of that creepy senator he keeps hanging around."

Portman refuses to identify the senator in question. 

Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, does not want this to turn into a witch hunt.

"Without more information there’s no way to identify the Sith Lord, as most of my colleagues are decidedly creepy," said Reid.

The news broke when a part time nurse and avid Star Wars fan over at Saint Vincent’s Hospital Tweeted: OMG! Two Jedi buns in Portman’s oven! 

Portman is denying claims she plans to separate the children at birth and send them to different planets for their own safety. 

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  "Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!" said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

"I just want him gone," said Winslow.  "He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent."

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  "I’ll be just fine," said Zano.  "Well, at least until the background check comes back."

Wasilla, AK—Some claim the lady doth protest too much, but is the Tea Bag Queen making a run for literacy? MILF Theatre, in conjunction with Portrait of a Blinking Idiot.com, presents Sign on My Facebook and Tell Me You’ll Vote for Me.

Set your tweets on Elizabethan as Palin conjures some literary magic.  Sarah has clearly done some amazing things with wordage, verbiage, and phonics-age. Act now and receive all of the Bard of Wasilla’s witticisms during this limited time offer. 

You’ll get such classic social site moments as: To tweet or not to tweet, you betch ya’ and Tax cuts are such sweet borrow. And, of course: To suffer the slings and arrows of refudiated progressives.  And, who could forget?  A course! A course! My kingdom for some eduma—a course!

But wait!  If you act now, you’ll get Et tu Brut by Faberge, as well as all 27 butchered words from, Lord what fools these liberal bloggers be.  And what offer would be complete without A plague on both your houses (and, by both, I mean Liberals and Progressives).  If you order right now, you’ll also receive the entire personal collection of Levi thou art a little shit tweets, for no extra charge.

All the world’s a stooge, folks, and we are merely Palins!  Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have busts thrusting and heaving with perky nipples!

Pyrgos, GR—A disturbing discovery in a sea cave near the Grecian city of Pyrgos brings into question the entire life’s work of one, Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss. The ancient scrolls, discovered by archeologist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, suggest the children’s book author is a fraud.

"He’s a crook in my book, a scamazon in my Amazon, a swindle in my Kindle," said Dr. Hogbein to reporters.  "The real author of those childhood gems was, none other than, the head of the Greek pantheon, Zeus himself!"

Once cleared, the cave walls were found to be covered with numerous children’s stories, such as The Grinch who Stole My Lightening Bolt, Green Eggs and Ambrosia, and There’s a Cracken in My Shacken.  In an adjacent cave, Dr. Hogbein deciphered: If I Ran Olympus, Horton Hears a Harpy, and one of Zeus’s personal favorites, Oh, the Places You’ll Go: When Hera Finds out About You, Mortal Bitch!

The final and perhaps most sinister tale is entitled: One Fish, Two Fish, Red fish… Fuck My Brother, Poseidon, and the Seahorse He Rode in on!

The sea cave is feared to be cursed as, later that night, several members of Hogbein’s expedition became ill during a local bar crawl. One member was unable to continue the excavation until the following day.  And…well, that’s about it, but it’s still pretty suspicious. 

New York, NY—In what is being hailed as a desperate move to win hearts and minds, Barak and Michelle Obama are starring in an adaptation of the classic film, Mary Poppins.  The play is set to open this week on Broadway, while many are left asking the acronym-laden question, BWTF?  During the three hour performance, the Obama’s sing and dance their way through a number of Poppins’ classics such as: a spoonful of stimulus makes the medicine—you can no longer afford—go down, and SuperStimulisticHealthcarexpialadocious!  Even though the price of it is something quite atrocious. 

Three Obama lawyer associates, from the law firm of Rodger, Rodgers, and Hammerstein, successfully bring the musical score back to an age when the musical theater genre should have been left in a nearby dumpster.

Reviews are harsh and Michelle Obama’s performance is described as "decidedly sucky" by the New York Times.  The most controversial number occurs near the play’s finale when our sitting President sings the lyrics: Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim Fuck Bush.

"I thought that the whole thing lacked a certain class," said our own Bald Tony, who, to show his disapproval, made fart noises throughout the second half of the play—until he was pistol whipped by the Secret Service.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord editing crew continues to be derailed by Microsoft Word 2007.   Actually, they’re derailed by any number of things—an extreme lack of competence comes to mind.   Fools!  Please send all submission in 1997-2003 format, under pain of death. When the last document from Dave Atsals arrived, but would not open properly, this is what they did (see below). They actually edited the dingbats!  Bad enough they have to edit the contributors, who are arguably dingbats.  If anyone is looking for an editing job at the Discord, if you can successfully hit the Contact Us button, you’re hired.

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Oh, and on a side note, if you want to email the Ghetto Shaman, don’t call him names. It’s actually his job to call you names, "bitches!" That’s a quote, people.  As a business man, I would never call any of you bitches.  Also, on all submissions please at least include your first name, last initial, and town/state.  16 cent and Flav7 just isn’t cutting it. The Shaman expects, neigh, the Shaman demands some context so he can go do that voodoo that he does so well, bitches.  Ooops.  That was mine, but it just slipped out.  Honest.

Malibu, CA—Actor and director Mel Gibson has finally admitted to the press that his depiction on the popular comedy show South Park is "dead on."  Gibson went on to explain that he really is the "crazy, ranty, racist nut job as seen on TV."  He admits he does wear Braveheart war paint around the house and he does, in fact, shit all over cartoon characters in an "eerily similar manner to those South Park episodes."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gun Shop, released this statement, "Gibson’s defecation depiction as seen on South Park may be something decidedly Freudian." 

Meanwhile, the Rant Warrior went on to say, "You’d better not print that, Winslow, or I’ll burn your fucking house down!"

God responded by saying, "Too late, asshole."

In God’s defense please see God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day".

Local animated character, Eric Cartman said several things unfit for print and then blamed his inappropriateness on a scorching case of childhood Tourette’s syndrome.

His friend Kyle Broflovski had this to say, "Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" He then added, "you bastards," for good measure.

Kenny was unavailable for comment.  This may have been due to the fact his spine was protruding from his orange trench coat.  For the record, Mel Gibson denies killing Kenny and also denies being one of "those bastards."

Haven’t you ever wondered, what the hell happened your sophomore year?  Why did she really break up with me?  Why did I wake up naked in that a Tijuana jail?  Was that gladiatorial games reference on the back of that citation legit, or simply some cop’s bad handwriting?

Hi, I’m Mick Zano, and I don’t remember anything that happened in college.  I know many of the Discord contributors were there and lots of campus, local, and state police personnel.  But, after just six hours of reviewing What the Fuck Did I Do?, I understood a lot more about my shady past as well as my recurring nightmares.   As it turns out, I really can’t work in this field, and should resign now.  And, yes, it was gladiatorial games, by the way.

"I knew my husband was an asshole in college," said Mrs. Zano.  "And now, after he shared the details of his sordid past from What the Fuck Did I Do?, I want him out of my life forever."

Dave Atsals had this to say, "I realize I misjudged my probation officers.  After reading the file over a long weekend, well, I would’ve been a dick to me too.  You really can’t begin the healing process until you know what happened. And, now I know I’m a terrible, terrible, unredeemable soul, and I think I’m a better person for it."

Hi, I’m Shagg, owner and founder of What the Fuck Did I Do?  I had to double my disk space and bandwidth when the Discord gang signed up for my services, but the peace of mind they now share is worth every penny.  And, remember, I’m not only the What the Fuck Did I Do? president, I’m also a client.

A recent unscientific poll conducted in a bar by drunken Discordians suggests that people don’t like Discord reporters approaching them when their "this drunk." A second poll, involving massive quantities of microbrews, can only be described by this reporter as implementing something now termed enhanced polling techniques. A third poll, not at all appropriate for minors, reveals something even more intriguing. People are far less enthusiastic about a visit from a Jehovah Witness than any--we made shit up about Jesus and wear magic underwear--Mormons.  Here is an actual conversation between Pokey McDooris and two unidentified pedestrians:

Pokey:  "Are you Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses?"

Pedestrians: "We’re Mormons."

Pokey: "Whooo Hooo! I win a beer!"

I think this exchange enhances our understanding of the problem this nation faces, although we’re not exactly sure how.

Valley stream, NY–All went well at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart during Black Friday's early morning stampedes.

"We're proud of our crowd control efforts this year," said Wal-Mart store manager Patty Davy.  "Only a couple of people clawed and kicked for the last Zhu Zhu Hamsters and it certainly was all fun and games until someone lost an eye in aisle seven."

The store credits the smooth operation on changing the traditional uniforms to Clockwork Orange-style and management's decision to arm their staff with live cattle prods.

"It also helped that no one had any actual money to spend this year," said Davy.  "It took the edge off."

Not all opinions were positive, however.

"It's the busiest shopping day of the year," said Nancy Mullens of Valley Stream.  "You have to expect a few causalities of Wal (COWs)."

Another complaint came from Jon Heffron of Long Beach, "Look, this is as close to the Running of the Bulls as I'm going to get in this economy, and I wasn't even shoved once this morning."

Other shoppers shared this negative view.

"Black Friday should have an element of danger to it," said Frankie Devito of Elmont. "When a lifeguard yells 'shark', we're the kind of people who go into the water and drag the bitch onto land and beat it to death with our children.  I mean, not for nothun', this is Long Island.  Fuck'em if they can't take a tramplin'."

Manager Davy responded to the criticism, "It's true a lot of people wanted to kick it up a notch anyway this year but, out of respect for the dead, we decided to nix having our shoppers climb over mannequins dressed as Wal-Mart greeters.  But next year expect a move toward the stampedes of old, so pack your steal toed boots, bitches!"

Wal-Mart corporate headquarters hopes to ease back into the violent shopping sprees with a trial run in the spring called Tear Gas Tuesday and their Mauled at the Mall Barbie line is set for release in early Fall.   

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) celebrated its fiftieth anniversary this year. Finally, the AARP becomes eligible to join in on its own fun and savings. Prior to this milestone, the company either had to wait outside or pay the full-cover charge for such exciting events as bingo, stamp bingo, cage bingo, cow chip bingo, or full-body contact death-match bingo (not covered by most insurance policies). Remember, over the past fifty years some of the AARP’s most memorable moments involve not remembering moments.

Kansas City, KS—The Heartland of America is appalled by the recent recall of French breast implants. An investigation is currently attempting to determine the source of the defective silicone scare currently plaguing our pookas.

"The French are endangering our freedom, our females, and our foreplay! The three Fs." said Congressman, Steven Farley. "These people obviously hate us for our honkers."

Farley hopes the French economy will suffer "heaving losses" under the new breast ban.

One breast implant manufacturer is responding with the release of Liberty Melons in B, C, D, and OMFG! sizes. "We’ve been really titty fucked on this one, boys," said the spokesperson for Tits "R" Bust. "We want to fondle American made tatas only!"

Tits "R" Bust is also toying with the idea of releasing three other lines, Nation Knockers, ConsTITutionals, and Freedom Hooters, in an effort to capture the entire silicone breast implant market.

Opposition is already organizing. An "Occupy Bazzombas" group is now camped out in the valley to protest the company’s rampant nationalism. "Why would the word Bust be in the name of a company that makes breast implants anyway?" said one female protestor. "This is all part of the one pair-cents plot to keep me an A-cup forever."

Recent violence at the Occupy encampment has spurred a local Sherriff to warn, "Such upheavals could cause dangerous rack ruptures amongst the female protestors. Buy American next time, you damn hippies."

New York, NY—Kevin Bacon is claiming the crown after being a critical component of a game/phenomenon that has spanned the planet for nearly two decades. The game, Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon, started circa 1994 and Bacon is now claiming, "It’s over and I won."

The Hollywood actor claims to have remained consistently ‘no degrees to Bacon’ each and every time he was challenged over the years.

"No one can dethrone me at this point. It’s over," said Bacon.

Experts remain mixed as to whether Bacon’s claim is justified or premature.

"He was wise to declare victory during his lifespan," said physicist Stephen Hawking. "Had he died before doing so, the game could clearly have ended very differently. Still, according to the theory of infinite possibilities, well, his victory is premature at best."

Kevin Bacon responded to Hawking’s statement thusly, "I don’t know you, Mr. Hawking, or should I say Mister two-degrees-from-Bacon at best?"

Springfield,??—The animated series The Simpsons is battling significant budget cuts this season.

When told about the need for some serious belt tightening, Homer Simpson of Springfield said, "That’s physically impossible."

His neighbor, Barney Gumble, is said to be drinking heavily again after finding out he’s among those cut.

"I only have three words on my resume: I can belch," said Gumble, who questions if he is employable in this economy or if he even spelled belch correctly.

Marge Simpson will only have one sister next season, Selma.

"Patty was the obvious scratch," said Simpson creator Matt Groening. "Dr. Nick is being charged with the overdose of actor Troy McClure, so they’re both gone. You may know McClure from such westerns as The Good, the Bad and the Dickish and For a Few Dollar Whore. We are also cutting Duff Man, Mole Man, Bumble Bee Man, and anyone else whose name ends in ‘man’."

Side Show Mel was also among those cut.

"I knew when they said one of the Side Shows had to go that I was screwed," said Mel. "Do you know what it's like to be the side show of a side show? Of course you don't!"

The richest man in Springfield, C. Montgomery Burns, remains all but unaffected in his mansion overlooking town.

"Nonsense, I had to part with one of my flying monkeys," said Burns. "OK, it was already dead, but I don’t want to seem unsympathetic. Flying monkeys don’t grow on trees, you know, except in that one episode."

Miami, FL—One J.J. Evans of Hallandale stated he was "in the can" when the announcement came reminding patrons to please turn down all cell phones during the film.  Thirty-seven minutes later, just as one of the Spy Kids was about to do something truly amazing, Mr. Evans’ Samsung started blaring Snoop Dogg’s ringtone rendition of Nuttin but a "G" Thang. 

"It was my girlfriend," claimed Mr. Evans.  "She was just reminding me to unfriend my wife on Facebook."

Audience members believe Mr. Evans had plenty of time to correct his mistake but chose not to.  "It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had gone with Death to Weezy or something from Doggystyle," said one movie goer and Snoop fan.  "That would have bought the moron at least a few more seconds."

Since the incident, Mr. Evans is still suffering from PTCSD (Post Theatric Concession Stand Disorder).  After barely surviving the movie treat onslaught, Evans is still suffering from what he describes as headaches, humiliation fatigue, and a greasy unwashable stickiness. He can’t even smell buttery popcorn now without retching uncontrollably.  Evans described the assault as being reminiscent of "a bad mother fucking day at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory." 

Mr. Evans is planning to file a lawsuit against Regal Theaters as well as "that little bitch with the Jujubes."

Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against "The Street’s" decision to define the roommates as "just friends without benefits." 

"It was an executive decision that we were not a part of," said Bert.  "And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!"

Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions.  "They alluded to it," said Bert.  "PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband.  We got the hint."

Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.

"Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk," said Ernie.  "Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse."

Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples. 

"At least we still have imminent domain rights," said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky "for a good many years."

The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time.  We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity.  Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.

Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.

On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter.  In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.

Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well. 

I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine.  The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help.  On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!

Washington, DC`---Mrs. Tuttle died on May 2nd after being flung from a cliff during the filming of an attack ad designed to embarrass Republicans.  The piece depicted a man, similar in appearance to Paul Ryan, wheeling an old lady to the edge of a precipice before hurling her to her death.  The ad was designed to scare the elderly into believing Republicans will end their Medicare.  Many are asking questions, such as, was this murder or simply gram-slaughter?   The Democratic National Committee is claiming they had no idea the actress had not been replaced by a dummy before plummeting to her death.

"She was very quiet," said actor Bill Stevens.  "So we all thought they had made the switch.  In retrospect, maybe she was napping."

The Democratic National Committee has released this statement, "If Republicans get their way, we’re going to have to get used to this sort of thing anyway, right?" said DNC head Rep. Wasserman Schultz.   "This could really drive the point home for many.  Speaking of points, although Mrs. Tuttle died from her injuries, we can all take some solace that she missed most of the really big pointy rocks on the way down." 

A second statement, released an hour later, is a retraction of sorts, "The last statement does not represent the view of the DNC, but we would like to add that the woman in question was very old."

The Huffington Post is defending the Dems decision to hurl the lady to her death.  "She’s very brave. She will be a true martyr for the cause!  It’s like if Rosa Parks didn’t move to the back of the bus but was instead thrown under it. Yeah, it’s kind of like that," said Arianna Huffington.

Washington, DC-It’s one giant step for pituitary problems as the Supreme Court agreed giant people are now deemed the Pants Impaired minority.   Success hasn’t been easy for this group as Congress recently rejected their Plane Seat Impaired minority status as well as their Doorway Disabled claim.  

"These damned hobbit designers want to carve the world into their own image no matter who they hurt along the way. My head is a phrenologist’s dream!" said one tall, bumpy-headed person.  "And Kevin Smith couldn’t get on a plane until he lost weight…what do you want me to do? Gnaw off my own feet at the shins?"

An advocacy group, Giants Against Stereotyping (GAS), has been fighting for giants’ rights ever since Zeus cast them out of Olympus.

The president of GAS had this to say, "You don’t know the horrors of ordering special pants! We certainly deserve a tax break for the hardship, the extra cost, and the endless basketball jokes."

A very tall person indeed had this to say: "We’re not monsters, Yeti, Sasquatch, or anything else you damned puny, midget-dwarf Halfling sons-o-bitches want to call us!  And, yes, we find the New York football team and the San Francisco baseball team offensive. "

"It is hoped the new legislation will shut these freaks up for a while," said an average sized congressman from the Midwest.

Philadelphia, PA—It’s retraction time again, folks.  We continue to make a whole host of mistakes here at the Discord—mistakes that not only damage our credibility, but continue to inflict consequences on any number of  individuals across the globe.

If you notice in the above picture, looters made off with the Pyramid of Chephren, not—as we stated in our initial post—the Great Pyramid of Giza.  So, apparently, someone made off with the not-so-great Pyramid of Giza…which is still pretty damn serious!  The B.A.C of our PhotoShoppers was also pretty damn serious and may have contributed to the error.

As for our moronic marquee moment, U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICA, we simply forgot the rest of that sentence.  It was supposed to read: U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICANS FROM JAPAN.   Sometimes part of the sentence slips down behind the banner, or something.  We understand why that caused a bit of panic, heh, heh, and for that we are truly sorry.

We also learned that if a horrific earthquake/tsunami hits Japan, we should wait a good 72 hours before posting a Godzilla joke.  Live and learn.

Finally, the Ghetto Shaman would also like to apologize for his crude, drunken Facebook posts last weekend.  Or, as he puts it, "Shit happens, bitches."

We are listening to your feedback, but, please keep in mind, we’re idiots.  Most of our teachers told us long ago that we would never amount to anything.  And now, as adults, our Probation Officers would like to second that motion.

Seattle, WA—As for caffeine, Starbucks has always pushed the legal-limit envelope.  Sure there’s no legal limit for caffeine, but Starbucks represents the poster child for why we will eventually need one.  Before today, there were only such trendy sizes as Short (tiny), Tall (small), Grande (medium), and Venti (large). But America is all about supersizing shit, so Starbucks broke out their trusty Italian dictionary and came up with another swank word for ridiculously-oversized. Their new extra-large, the Gigantesco, translates as—we don’t know exactly—but it’s probably synonymous with permanent insomnia.  It represents 146 oz of specialty coffee with 24 shots of blood-pressure-enhancing espresso.  It’s nearly 3x the size of 7-11’s Big Gulp and you need to sign a waiver when you order it.  Oh, and financing is available for those who qualify.

A Starbucks’ spokesperson told the press today their new drink "has enough caffeine to give a rhino a schizophrenic break."

By the way, this may well end up being the corporation’s new motto. 

They would also like to add, "Fuck you, Red Bull."

Competitors over at Seattle’s Best argue the validity of Starbuck’s rhino analogy.  They believe the rhino in question would have to have had a predisposition for schizophrenia.

Starbuck’s maintains they are just trying to give Americans what they want, the jitters.  This is a fast-paced world, and it’s about to get even faster.  Head to your nearest Starbucks today and bring a friend…no really, it takes two people to carry it out.

Philadephia, PA—It’s that time of the news cycle again.  We have limited our retractions this time to those episodes causing great personal damage or loss of life (otherwise we could be here all day).

Our journal submission Study Finds Sending Water to Flood Victims Ironic did not stay afloat under the peer review process.  Besides, there’s nothing funny about dysentery or cholera—even when worked effectively into a pun.

In our feature, Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Pull the Last Airbender’s Finger, three of the reasons were deemed "a bit of a stretch."   But, we do stand by our original premise that it is still not advisable.

At the end of the day, The Discord staff admits our feature Global Drought May Spread does not represent journalism at its finest.

Finally, we would also like to apologize to the U.S. Army for endangering our troops in the field during our ill-fated Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day.  We are willing to stand by our offer to pay for all of the dry cleaning bills (for any legitimate claim), provided the Imams in question stop calling for our beheading.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has announced their intention to name November, 2^nd "National Masturbation Day"!  A large masturbatory event is being planned at the Wank-off Astoria next week and many of the Discordians are planning to attend, bird in hand.  It’s being marketed as a peter-pulling, meat-beating ex-strokeoff-ganza!

"Why would Christine O’Donnell and her ilk support teabagging, but not pud-pulling, in the first place?" asked the Discord’s Ghetto "Shucking-bubba" Shaman. "We came very close to losing a practice very dear to me, but, spankfully, we all went into our individual pulling stations this week and tossed off a vote for freedom."

When asked if the Discord is a staunch supporter of masturbation, CEO Pierce Winslow, said, "Certainly not.  But, like it or not, it’s a hard piece of reality." He then cited the controversial court decision, Roe v Wank:  "Ultimately, I want such practices to be kept safe, legal, and rare."  Winslow warns if we outlaw the practice, "it will simply go underwear…er, underground.  Sorry, that was a Freudian slip-n-slide."

Celebrate your masturbate, people! And remember, folks, you don’t have to be a member to play with your member.  The first one hundred patrons ride the Super Glide all day, free!  Don’t forget to stop by our Viagra, salsa, and lotion bar, and don’t miss our special guest speaker Paul Reubens! We’re expecting John Boehner to boycott, however John Boner will almost certainly be in attendance.

Void where inhibited.

New Orleans, LA— Not one to leave a job half finished, President Obama completed what his predecessor could not in the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  The President, accompanied by an entourage of secret service, entered the Superdome on 8/29 and conducted a thorough search of the facility.  Approximately one hour later, Obama emerged with a shaky Jacob and Helena Jefferson on his arm.  Medical supplies food and water were handed to the couple, as they were ushered into awaiting ambulances. 

"This marks the end of Operation Deliver Agua," said Obama, a mission that started five-years ago when the government attempted, but failed, to deliver food and water to the Superdome—the very place where they asked people to rendezvous after the storm.

When competence of the former administration was brought into question, Obama said, "This isn't about blame.  Blame isn't working anymore.  This is about…I don’t know what this is about, but it was a great photo op."

These retractions are coming at a fevered pitch lately, as the recession has forced us to outsource our editing to Canada and fewer and fewer of our contributors can afford their medications. Our recent post Hundreds of Dead Opossums Inexplicably Wash-up onto Gulf Beaches: Most Not Faking was not corroborated by the evidence.  The one image that sparked the piece turned out to be PhotoShopped.  Er, actually it turned out to be PhotoShopped by one of our own staff. So we will take the high road in this matter and do what President Obama won’t. As CEO of the Daily Discord, I would like to formally apologize to BP and to their former CEO, Mr. Hayward, you opossum killing wankers (OKWs).

In retrospect, our article Acetaminophen Linked to Headache Relief in Hung-Over Student wasn’t really news worthy.  We have slow days too, and slow days are usually complicated here at the Discord by the higher blood alcohol content of our staffers.

Dalai Lama Leads Police on Three State Car Chase was simply sensationalism at its worst. I have personally dealt with the contributor who sent us this exaggerated piece of pseudo-journalistic nonsense. And, to set the record straight, it was only a two state car chase.  I take some responsibility for this debacle, as the states in question were Georgia, South Carolina, and New Mexico. I have moved Google Maps to my favorites, so nothing like this should ever happen again.

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has "no idea" how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a "masseuse" on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, "Bad man.  Bad tipper."

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, "He’s really not that interesting."

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, "Sure, but he’s still not that interesting."

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, "Did you find everything OK?" then added, "Could I marinate your arm overnight?"

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but "Not too closely. He tends to bite," said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, "If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?"

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, admitted to the press today over 6,000 internal emails between Discord contributors were released to the public in a move many are calling "intentional."

Winslow is downplaying the impact of the incident, "The fact remains these documents don't reveal any issues that haven't already informed our public debate regarding the behavioral and psychological health of my staff."

The following are two examples of actual correspondence between Discord contributors:

From: the ghetto shaman
Sent: Thursday, April, 9, 2009  2:20AM
To: pwinslow12@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: I’m bringing the potato gun to the next party, bitches!

Winslow, buddy.  don’t let the large number fool you.  bail is always set at 10% of the fine. 10%! peanuts for a big man like you.  oh, and I told you that putting all of your money in Shagg Technologies was a bad idea, bitch.

Ghetto Shaman

From: mick zano
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:19 PM
To: DDiscord@yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: [The Discord] Re: I’m not usually like that on jagermeister, baby, honest

Captain’s Blog 5/8/08,

The Discord is off to a shaky start, folks. Winslow has spent untold thousands on drunken "business meetings" and the Crank’s video submissions are obscene, senseless, and costly.  After watching his last video I feel dirty. Thankfully, we don’t have the bandwidth for videos yet. As far as increasing submissions, Dave Atsals is still in the final stages of his first sentence, which has the word doohickey in it (twice), spelled differently each time.  Neither is the way i would spell doohickey, mind you, but that's what final editing is for, right? heh, heh.  On a good note, Winslow has finished outsourcing the web design to a man named, Mr. Rufies, who promises to finish the project if we all meet him at the mall around closing time. Otherwise things are going quite smoothly (for us).

Mick Z.

Philadelphia, PA—As CEO of the Daily Discord, I usually do an apology for the horrible things our bad journalism typically unleashes on our fair communities. Instead, I would rather thank the country of N/A for consistently being first or second on our geographic visitor listing.  Also of interest, we had 953 page views from the Netherlands yesterday, which even beat the country of N/A.  But, alas, it turned out to be just one guy from Copenhagen with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  We also got one hit last week from the key search word "bestiality" (no shit), which is really a milestone for us here at the Discord, although we’re not exactly sure why.  Regardless, welcome to the fold, sick fuck! 

We would also like a big shout out to our seven friends in Iran, who are watching the goings on of our little website a little too closely.  Heh, heh.  That was nervous laughter, if you were wondering.  If you actually are tuning in from Iran (somehow) and are in no way affiliated with the tyrannical regime in power, might we suggest asking a question of our Ghetto Shaman.  He will, of course, set right to work ignoring it. Your chance of being beheaded is, like, what for such an affront to Allah?  Really, what is it?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Maybe that could be your question to the Ghetto Shaman.  Just do it!  When has he ever steered our readers wrong?

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has withdrawn his May 25^th plans to post dozens of pictures of the Prophet Mohammed in women’s clothing.  Winslow fell under a barrage of pressure to scratch the project, which featured a controversial GIF animation display depicting Mohammed in various clips from Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Our own Ghetto Shaman stated, "What’s the big deal?  They all dress like girls in the Middle East anyway…just look at Klinger from M*A*S*H."

"I’m disappointed," said Winslow. "People need to know the untold story—that Mohammed could accessorize with the best of them.  Mohammed had bling, damn it.  I hate bling."

South Park creator Trey Parker responded to the Discord’s cowering thusly, "Pussies."

Philadelphia, PA - CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious with his editing staff.

"Exxon/Mobile? Really, people? Mobile? That was a headline!" yelled Winslow. "I am not responsible for the editing, censoring, and content butchery that you, our faithful readers, have come to expect from this less than stellar e-zine."

Winslow’s plan to correct the ongoing proofing fiasco is to outsource the Discord’s editing needs overseas.

"Each article and cartoon is now going to be sent to an editing group from India, where they will undergo an intensive editing process before the material is returned to Philadelphia via carrier pigeon."

When asked about keeping jobs in America, Winslow said, "Look, I tried using my contributors. They lose shit and, frankly, they’re incompetent. They have no artistic ability, no Photoshop skills, and English is almost a second language to them…and not because they know another language!"

The Daily Discord’s CEO intends to ramp up his War-on-Error and put an end to all radical exciseism by contracting out with the MOFLE Group—a band of Mercenary Overseas Free Lance Editors (MOFLEs).

"Besides, they’ll help me get rid of these lousy acronym jokes once and for all," added Winslow. "The regular contributors are next," warned Winslow. "It’s all part of the third stage in my India outsourcing plan. Don’t worry. I think you will all enjoy catching up on the latest Bollywood gossip. Did you hear Aishwarya Rai is pregnant with Apu of the Simpsons’ love child? Well, of course you didn’t, but that all ends today…that is, when the pigeon gets here."

A recent study by Pfizer, the makers of Zoloft, revealed the disturbing impact SSRIs and other anti-depressants are having on traditional blues music.

"I might as well join the Peace Corps," said Jack Death, lead singer of The Armpit Salesman.  "After six months on Paxil, instead of jamming out to the blues, I would rather go to a ball game, fly a kite, or maybe spend some time in the park with my family.  It makes me fucking sick just thinking about it." 

The Arm Pit Salesman’s latest CD, Skipping through the Sunshine has sold a record low four copies.

A recent poll suggests seven out of ten blues musicians find SSRI medications leave them feeling "way too perky." Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Spa, believes this is an avoidable side effect of SSRIs.  Research indicates that by adding a blues stabilizer to your current medications, most blues band members can get out of that Sunday dinner and back to those Bourbon Street dive-bar gigs.  Blueztacia, one such anti-anti depressant, is designed to counteract the positive effects SSRIs have on mood.

"I don’t think any one pill can counteract the severe detrimental impact anti-depressants are having on blues bands and their music," said Hogbein, "but prescribing a number of expensive supplemental medications might get my kids through college."