In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print.  Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?

Tiger (the name says it all) Woods has been beat up, beat off, ridiculed, and fairly accused of doing what most men can only dream of.  To that end I say, All Hail the Tiger!  I know many are saying that these are despicable acts he committed that have caused much damage, but, in reality, everyone will be just fine (trust fund me on this). 

This yarn is embellished approximately one-to-five percent due to age-related cognitive-decline, also known in certain Discord circles as Dave Atsals’ Syndrome (DAS).  This tale is going to sound fictitious, like many of my stories, but I can assure you that those who knew me in the eighties and nineties would understand.  You see, I settled down in the twenty-first century, when Dean Moriarty somehow morphed quietly into Ward Cleaver. Anyway, back in the Bruce Springsteenesque glory days, the night was dark and stormy.  OK, the moon was very full, which may or may not have inspired me to dress like Lon Cheney’s version of the Wolfman.  You know, old school.  This was before American Werewolf in London, before Underworld, or even before Old School, for that matter.  Back in those days we only had Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, and Warren Zevon to frighten us.  If that didn’t work, my GPA usually did the trick.  

Some aren’t going to buy what I’m peddling today, but that’s OK.  It’s still America, no matter what the Discord’s CEO thinks (Commie bastard!).  First off, my writing is not designed to offend the many dickwads that don’t get it.  At least one individual is wondering about this color coding thingie (CCT) that I keep mentioning in my posts. You will be hearing more and more about Spiral Dynamics, Transpersonal Psychology, and the evolution of consciousness, because the truth has a tendency to stick around, like the Ghetto Shaman after last call.  Of course, on the downside of this subject matter, anything even hinting at a hierarchy of ideas is always met with condemnation, er…like the Ghetto Shaman after last call. 

My wife and I have spent considerable amounts of time and money in downtown New Hope, Pennsylvania. For those of you unfamiliar with this cozy little playhouse town, it’s well worth the stop. One weekend, while vacationing there, I even proposed to my wife (along with several other women who happened to pass at the time). We always try to hit New Hope whenever we’re within a hundred miles of the joint.

Dear Goomba:

I will start out with a hayadooin & congrats on getting an iconic American car company, complete with freshly minted bailout money, for six yenpesos and a pizza coupon. The last “wap” that “inherited” Chrysler was Lido Iacocca. He did more for Chrysler than any other man before or since. The One Billion dollar bailout he got was probably bigger in terms of what the dollar was worth at the time, but who’s counting?  Really, at this point who is counting? Iacocca paid it back early, driving a fleet of 5^th Avenues (dissolving as they went) up to the White House to hand deliver the check. I remember it well. Nothing like seeing a line of newly made American autos, followed closely by a street sweeper sucking the dust and particles created by the near immediate breakdown of that great seventies sheet metal, covered with that wondrous new lead free paint. Mom had one. It would have lasted longer had it been painted with marinara sauce.

Propaganda bombards us from every angle of the media, but there is one piece of propaganda overlooked by everyone. The cell phone has become instituted as THE medium for communication in the post-modern age.  I’m talking about how the cell phone is good and even necessary for human interaction.  Everybody has one.  They’re in the bars, on the buses, in the parks, and even in the hands of our children.  We’ve bought them hook, line, and ringer.  We’re merrily chit-chatting in our own little worlds while remaining oblivious to the real consequences.

Your assessment of fundamentalism is as flawed as your pal the ghetto shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise (never again, by the way).  You insist that there are elements of traditionalism that are fundamental to our continued evolvement as a species.  Whereas this is inherently true, few, if any of these societal guidelines needs be legislated by our marred and battered legal system. What our laws need to focus on in the twenty-first century is mutual respect and mutual respect alone…you know, Ron Paul country.  If the spirit of mutual respect can be infused through our laws and our legal system (sorry, that’s too funny) then and only then will we retain this foundation of which you speak.  By respecting each stage and each level, and by allowing each individual to remain precisely where they are in the spectrum, is all that is necessary.  All the way from our Crank Manifesto’s orange/blue rants to our Ghetto Shaman’s…ahh, you know, I can’t actually figure that guy out.  By the way, the Ghetto Shaman has moved to Florida and is sending us his ‘column’ each week on badly stained bar coasters.  

This might come as a shock to some of you, but I, Dave Atsals, spend a lot of time in bars. Unless this is my probation officer, in which case they are called coffee shops. I normally refer to these neon establishments as restaurants with refreshments. I spend so much time in bars, in fact, on occasion I must work to augment my income, aka, pay off my bar tab.

In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.

Hate is a strong word, maybe loathe is better…yeah, fear and loathing on some God-awful social site.  Let’s be clear about this, I’m only on Facebook to promote the Daily Discord, which sucks!   Our other venues grow like social site Chia Pets, even when ignored, but Facebook?  What’s more disturbing, there’s something inherently wrong with Facebook and the whole virtual narcissistic cesspool (VNC).  As John Bender once said, "It’s demented and sad, but social."

In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA. 

It’s time to pick on the thought police, those destroyers of the 1^st and 2^nd Amendment rights, the fodder for Hannity’s America, the Pluralistic Pelosi Police (P³).  You know them better as those libs against liberty, hiding in their dubious Ivory Towers.  I really didn’t see much liberal indoctrination during my 6 ½ year undergraduate work stint.  I met the inside of a lot of bars and the inside of a lot of young—never mind.  Suffice to say, my study habits were poor and my drinking habits were poorer.   I drink therefore I cram, kind of sums it up nicely.  

If you think the last presidential election was swayed by advertising and the almighty dollar (I donated a five spot), just wait to see what the future holds.  America’s Court Jesters, aka the Supreme Court, recently made a ruling that will change the face of politics forever—and not in a Botox, cheek-tuck kind of way.  These Jesters sing for the King and Queen with coats they borrowed from James Dean.  The SCOTUS decision allows corporations limitless advertisements for their handpicked candidates.  The move was actually defended by the likes of Mitch (cognitive age decline) McConnell.  "Our Democracy, Inc. depends upon free speech^®, not just for some but for all^™."

I am no conspiracy theorist; I look at the facts and draw conclusions based on the information before me—kind of the anti-CrankZano, if you will.  That being said, recent facts are leading me to believe the Obama administration actions are creating opportunities for our enemies to attack.  But, more to the point, are future attacks actually being engineered by the White House? While Homeland Security (DHS) focuses on right-wing extremists as potential terrorists—you know, the ones who oppose abortion, gun control, high taxes, and liberalism in general—al-Qaeda linked Islamic extremists continue to plot against us.  Why would Obama’s DHS focus on freedom-loving people like me when al-Qaeda has attempted 28 terrorist attacks against the US since 9/11?  I mean, I’ve only attempted 27 in my whole life.  I’m kidding, of course.  The real number is much lower than that.

Nowhere, AZ — Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don’t care how any of you rat-bastards are doing in FarmVille and/or Mafia Wars; and, no, I don’t want to play. You’re all doped up on goofballs. What the hell is FarmVille, anyway?! Wait, don’t answer that. In this instance, the Crank is right—I can’t handle the truth.

You, Dave Atsals, have listened to the liberal rational for socialized health care.  You’ve drank the proverbial Kool Aid, so to speak, and it’s a batch the Ghetto Shaman wouldn’t even touch.  Like a good Pelosi minion, you’ve accepted the premise that we’ve survived the last 240 years in spite of free-market capitalism. How could we ever have survived the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Spanish American War, two World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, Persian Gulf twice, pandemics, the depression, polio, and yes, even eight seasons of American Idol?!  Without Obamacare, this country should have been dead 200 years ago.  How the hell did we ever survive without the chosen one?  …without the Messiah, the once and future clown? If our healthcare system is so horrible, then why do we have people coming to America for medical treatment from all over the world…for what?...the hospital Jello?  Granted, the hospital Jello is good and there are so many places in a hospital room where a green cube of Jello would look great stuck to, but I really think there is more to it than that.  I know there are other colors, but you’re making light of an important topic, Dave, and I won’t have it!  Frankly, this issue is beyond the scope of all gelatin products and their derivatives. 

A friend and fellow Discordian, who would like to remain Mickless, recommended we all register on Facebook, and I hate him for it.  I opened an account, a public one, no less, and thanks to Pierce Winslow’s great idea to use public accolades instead of our real names, well…let’s just say I’ve gotten about what I deserve.  NOTHING. ABSOULTELY NOTHING.  Facebook, or no, the expected herds of adoring fans have yet to materialize.  The sexy blonde female stalkers have not overwhelmed my home page.  In fact, I haven’t even had any hate mail.  Nothing, nada, nichts.   Worse yet, despite the endless spam ads assaulting my web searches, the awful truth is: there are absolutely no hot single women in my area waiting to talk to me!  None!  It’s all a lie!  AHHHHhhhhhhhh! Distraught and disenchanted, I turned to the internet to search for my true popularity.  Wikipedia’s search results for Dave Atsals are as follows...

Cockfighting rings have been broken up in Phoenix Arizona, several of them since December.  The punishment, much like reading the Discord, is quick and severe.  Direct involvement can lead to a two year sentence, $150,000 fine, and decockmentation.  Just watching the cocks battle can lead to a $25,000 fine.  Fighting cocks is now illegal in all fifty states and is deemed by most (not including Michel Vick) to be socially incorrect in the modern age.

Faber College, PA: BS in Education (social sciences), with minors in marketing, industrial safety. BS, and a master’s degree in Anatomy by Brail.

The para-abnormal research team consisted of Ranger Rick, who both led the investigation and set the pace (three pints an hour), Pierce Winslow, our tech-guru (who wrote the whole thing off as a business expense), Pokey McDooris, philosopher and sideshow attraction, Timmo O’Frynn, driver and camera man, Bob Krazmoski, treasurer and straight man, and, yours truly, Mick Zano, addiction counselor/beer enthusiast.

Did you back McCain while your significant other supported Obama?   Do you reside in a house divided?  The hard fought campaign still stirs emotions to an amber-level alert.  Sirens blare throughout the nation.  Dinner tables are divided, left verses right.  Double beds are split by the McCain/Obama line.

I am worried about my friend, Mick. Unlike all the other Discordians, Mick believes he needs to better himself.  Mick strives for lofty misguided goals in order to overcome his many inadequacies. He used to have a distinct, although often overbearing, personality and sense of humor.  But, at least you knew what you were getting with Mick, trouble.   Now he is only a shell of his old self.  I refer to this shell as ‘m’.

Holidays are excessive and outlandish, like liberal budgets.  But if you don’t get off work for them, what the hell’s the point? I did a web search on popular U.S. Holidays (I can do these now…with help). I found a list of fifty-one of them.  So let me get this straight, there are more holidays than states in the union?  Which makes me wonder, what would we do on South Dakota Day?  Anyway, I have broken down our holiday cheer into a few arbitrary and quite meaningless categories.

Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee.  Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring.  My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.

Las Vegas, NV–What’s better on Valentine’s Day than some old football coverage?! Somehow I am back in Vegas for the third time already in 2011, which is three more reasons Bald Tony is considering relocating. I am back at the Riviera covering this Super Game, knowing little about football and even less about roman numerals.

Central, PA—It seems my region of Pennsyltucky has been invaded by aliens.  Not men from Mars, not arsenic-thriving Mono Lake Monsters, not illegal aliens from Mexico.  These are the most nefarious invaders of em’ all, Southern Gas Workers.

Many believe we are subject to increasing synchronicities as we spiral toward some type of mass awakening in the near future.  I have noticed this increase in strangely linked events, but only when leveled against my own rising blood alcohol content and when dealing with old, pain in the ass pals who also happen to be fellow Discordians.

The Daily Discord admitts to its wrogdoings, Obama controls Hookers?, The Bone shouts out, and petruding pectorals now on the Daily Discord. Suggest us to your friends we promise they wont hate you for it. But then again we do spoof and satire so take that for what it is.

Haneyville, PA—We Discordians have congregated at an annual party for about twenty years now.  No one knows exactly why; it’s best not to question these things.  Every June, like those Capistrano swallows, we migrate to a remote Pennsylvanian cabin deep in the Black Forest region of Sproul State Forest (thankfully not to spawn).  The last party got a little strange…and not in the usual, bean fight, tree duct-tapping, naked fire dancing kind of strange.  I’m talking real strange…

The Crank and the Mick have both missed the point on the topic of health care.  Therefore, I need to put in my three cents.  My three cents includes something they tend to overlook, common sense (or dollars).  I may be jumping the gun a little bit about Crank and Mick’s articles and opinions, but I doubt it.  Truth be told, I read only the titles of their posts, that seems to be more than enough for me this week.  My guess is the Crank is of the opinion that any form of public health care will ruin the country outright, and Mick feels nothing will ever work because George W. Bush was once our president.  Mick probably related this to the ever-growing national level of consciousness and seven different political talk show hosts so obscure it would take a PhD in C-span 2 to decipher.  The Crank probably related it to a funny colored big ape, perhaps the same one they were testing The Ghetto Shaman’s latest “cures” on.  He probably attacked Mick’s position in the form of very colorfully worded outbursts of CAPITALIZED SENTENCES!!! 

Don’t panic!  The noise you are hearing in the background is simply the sound of our social institutions collapsing outright.  Newsflash: America is going to change and change in a big way.  Our politics, our media, our language, our culture are all slipping into a deep dark crevasse (luckily, plenty are now forming on our glaciers to accommodate).  Our money is becoming meaningless, and we have discovered the root of all suffering, besides Oprah.  Another stimulus package?  Are you kidding me?  How many times are they going to hit the economy with those shock paddles before it’s time to shut off the defibrillator?  But, that’s the bad news. As promised, here is some good news...

One contributor asked about the Discord’s submission and editing process, and no it wasn’t Pokey McDorkis.  He still doesn’t have internet access, or a clue.   L. Wolfe asked me, why hasn’t my article (sent to Mick Zano six months ago) been posted yet?  I explained to Mr. Wolfe, in true Discord fashion, the way an article makes it all the way from host to post. 

Only in Pennsylvania, although I doubt it, can you break a state law when you’re working, be convicted, and still collect unemployment compensation if terminated for this transgression.

Can you pay $28.00 dollars for a knee brace sold on-line for $545.00 and feel ripped off?  I do, thanks to my last escapade with my son’s Orthopedic Doctors Office, and my insurance company.  Bring on government run health care, it can’t be any worse than this, I hope.

Wearing flip flops and a sweat shirt, I flip-flop through the channels as all these political analysts flip-flop on who flipped and flopped more. I flop in front of my computer and flip it on. My online search of ‘flip flop’ from the Marian Webster’s dictionary turned up...