| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I loved The Tao of Skullfucking and want to participate. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to broach this topic with my wife. There doesn’t seem to be a paragraph on this topic in any of those living will pamphlets. You are the master of such things, so what should I do?
Scully Slider
Dear Scully,
The Tao of Skullfucking is a metaphor! You sick, sick bastard!
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| The Magnificent Apology Rides Again |
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Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.
As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.
What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I have not been able to acquire any of your fine works. The only reference to them on Google originates from this site. I am really curious about your important work The Tao of Skullfucking and I've been wondering if this is a metaphor, or a euphemism, or what.
P. Keller
Dear P. Keller,
No, no, this is quite literal. One must simply learn the proper technique to safely harness the energy of this incredibly profound cosmic act. The deep significance of this sacred skullular uninion can evoke powerful Satori experiences. But if the eyeball can not be popped back into place, please rush your significant other to the emergency room immediately.
Sincerely,
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Do not attempt this, under any circumstances, without either attending one of my Satori Skullfucking workshops or sending me a check for $49.95.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Chief Seattle once said, "When the Earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear. When that happens, The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them." I think we are closing in on that time period. Are you an activist? Are you an environmental warrior?
Running Bear
Dear Running Bear,
They used to call me Running Bare, but now it’s a felony. I am part of a complacent activist Buddhist group known as I am That, but not on weekends. And I do hang out with the Warriors of the Rainbow at the bar known as Peaches & Court. There we attempt to save the planet one drunken show tune at a time.
Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately |
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| By Ertel |
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What would YOU do with a million dollars? It's an oft asked question, right up there with "Are you a cop? Y'know you have to tell me if you are, right?" or "Dude, how much for those 99 cent potato chips?" If you asked me what I would do with a cool million before today, my answer would have been "a Branch-Davidian style compound, where I had multiple wives and would subject my followers to all-night prog-rock jam-sessions, featuring me on all instruments." After all, I'm a one-man band and I don't like sharing credit. But today the idea hit me, "What could I buy with 325 million?" and the answer became all too apparent...a planet.
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| You Show Me Your Birth Certificate If You Want to See Mine |
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| By The Librarian |
When is the stupidity ever going to end? No, not the Daily Discord; they just renewed their hosting. I just can’t understand why anyone would continue to support the ignorance of way too many members of the Republican Party! I know that democracy is composed of many differing factions. I believed that responsible people could disagree on issues and resolve them. Oops, I said responsible people. Can you edit that part out?
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Your show All Things Discouraged doesn't resonate much with many of the common premises and assumptions of the New Age Movement. And by "doesn't resonate much", I mean none. Your collective work is pretty much one colossal cosmic contradiction. And when I say "pretty much", I mean totally. And what do you mean by the Dry Hump Sutras?
Terrence
Dear Terrence,
This is as good a time as any to announce this: I will no longer be hosting All things Discouraged. Instead we are happy to introduce Spiritual Questions, Inappropriate Answers. Now to your question: much of the dharma is focused on paradoxes, not contradictions or even contraindications. Speaking of which, I just realized Percocets, Xanax, scotch, and more scotch is also apparently contraindi...............
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office |
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| By Alex Bone |
Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I'm a lesbian and my partner is insisting I where protection. Please instruct?
Monica
Dear Monica,
Just visit GladiatorLesbians.com. I believe they have a virtual mall.
Sincerely,
Can I have your number? |
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| Belgium Downgraded to Countrytoid |
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Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.
"This could not have happened at a worse time," said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.
One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, "That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!"
The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.
"It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government," responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. "So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain," said Merkel, "but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses."
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| There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road |
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| By Dave Atsals |
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In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Why doesn’t God want me to have a threesome?
Palfrey
Dear Palfey,
You need to be able to count that high first, dip shit. Oh, and two farms animals don’t count.
The Ghetto Threesome |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Living in Gratitude, Mother Fuckers and…that’s all.
Bob
Dear Bob,
I know, I know, sometimes words can’t describe the ineffable beauty of my writing...mother fucker.
Respectfully submitted,
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Onion Copycat Case Draws Anemic Ridicule for Discord |
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord admits to releasing a picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry boiling children and shooting puppies as a cheap ploy to attract negative attention. The stunt was patterned after a recent Onion feature of a similar vein. The controversial Onion tweet involved reports of screams and gunfire coming from inside the Capitol Building. The Onion followed up with a news report on their website, a place four out of five bribed comedians find not nearly as funny as The Daily Discord.
"We saw the attention The Onion got for that tweet," said CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow. "Meanwhile, we put Jesus on a wanted poster or we host everybody Photoshop Muhammad day, and we get bupkis. Yeah, we have no shame. It’s just high time someone noticed. We’re as despicable as anyone out there."
Whereas Winslow is carrying on despite the lack of controversy, he isn’t happy about it.
"On a good day we get maybe three people emailing us with shit like, Tell the Ghetto Shaman to suck it! or What are you feeding the Crank, anyway? Frankly, we deserve a lot more scrutiny than that."
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
What exactly is going to happen in 2012?
Mike Dresden
Smithtown, NY
Dear Mike,
I will no longer be on parole in the State of Pennsylvania.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I was in a public restroom stall the other day and the guy next to me was humming that song, the one that goes, "I hear the secrets that you keep when you're talking in your sleep." I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. Do you think I need therapy or something?
The Mad Hoopster
Dear MH,
...or something. Who am I Dr. fucking Phil? Look, you should never take a dump in a public restroom; that's why God gave us the alley.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Your work is sad, pathetic, lousy, moronic, and juvenile and, wait, let me hit thesaurasus.com …deplorable, distressing, crappy, and devitalizing. And The Tao of Skull Fucking is the saddest excuse for literature since your last book Bud-Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties (but at least that one had some soft porn in it).
Tooksy
Kearny, NJ
Dear Tooksy,
What do you have against the 3 Hs? OK, OK, you’re right. I will try to make amends in my next work: The Art of Spiritual Coercion.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. …or not.
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| Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag |
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| By Mick Zano |
Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble. Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy). Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world. Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore! The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
My master told me a great quote once, "One can acquire everything in solitude."
But I have houseguests that won’t leave. It’s been weeks, dude! I want to remain Buddha like, but I need them gone. I want that solitude back.
JJ
Dear JJ,
You are steeped in great wisdom, my friend. To augment the work you have already done, please purchase my book: If You See Your Ego on the Side of the Road, Stroke it.
As for your houseguests, tell them, "Life is a journey. And you can start one, right now, by getting the fuck out of my house, bitches!"
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How is making issues of spirituality murkier and cloudier helping anyone? You bring darkness to enlightenment.
Genpo T
Dear Genpo,
You need to do two things to move into the light of cosmic understanding, my friend. First, contemplate the sound of one cheek farting. Do this for a year and then read one of my first works: Demystifying Mysticism through Mumbo Jumbo. If that doesn’t clear things up, I don’t know what will.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I accidentally found your work entitled Inspiring Women to Heel. You control freak sicko!
Tanya
Dear Tanya,
Thank you for the feedback. Actually, Sicko was by Michael Moore. Your confusion stems from having read book 2 first, is all. Please read Acceptance and Surrender: Why I Insist the Women in My Life Understand These. Only then will you master the Tao of Skull Fucking.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Tales of Shamanic Debauchery and now I am asking myself why? What was the point of writing that thing? And what is your reference in Chapter four to your power animal? You don’t explain this and then the chapter ends rather abruptly.
Tamisha
Fort Collins, CO
Dear Tamisha,
Sometimes we read without remaining present, our minds often wander and lose focus, so we end up missing critical elements. That’s not the case with this book. I was very drunk when I wrote it. The title should have made that clear. The chapters end when my transmission from the spirit realm ends. I usually have some forewarning when the spin monsters descend from the cosmic void. Oh, and I broke up with my power animal. So what are you doing Thursday, Tamisha?
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Do you have any advice for the newlyweds, William and Kate?
Sincerely,
Charles & Camilla
Dear royal peeps,
I’m really beginning to question the authenticity of some of these emails…like the last one, Vern from Vernon? BWTF? That’s, of course, a shamanic phrase meaning Bustie White Titty Fuckers, which is Persian for…fine, I’ll bite.
You should have eloped! Sure you got some tourism benefits, but jolly old England aint so f-ing jolly anymore. Save your cash, start pinching some pounds. Wait, that didn’t work.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Oh, and tell Kate about my next Rieki Robotripping Retreat. Don’t worry, she’ll get the royal treatment.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Any of your legendary workshops coming up?
Sammy Y.
Dear Sammy,
Yes, May 7th and 8th. Here is a brief itinerary:
Day One:
11:00AM—My Cthulhu Sweat Lodge is back with, Sweating to the Old Ones, where I will harness your orgasmic sexual energy with help from some Deep Ones (actual harnesses available).
1:00PM—Drinking Heavy Cosmic Bar Crawl
11:00PM—Conference call with Charlie Sheen to discuss ‘winning’ and its implications for an enlightened consciousness.
Day Two:
7:00AM—Time for the old "get up a collection to bailout your guru, bitches" workshop. This will help your karma and your budgeting skills
8:00AM—Medicine Wheel Healing Workshop with fluids and oatmeal
10:00AM—Advanced Healing Workshop for those still under the spell of the Hangover Gods
12:00PM—Closing prayer and legal waiver signing, all during the Go Home, Bitches song
The Ghetto (Cash Only) Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:
Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke. If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there. It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the "BLOW" IN "BLOW JOB" IS AN EXPRESSION! This evil machine hammers home that point, literally.
Respectfully deposited,
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. For the record, a friend told me this…
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I keep getting my ass kicked. I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well. Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?
Darby
Petaluma, CA
Dear Darby,
You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!! I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide. Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long. Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.
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| Beer Cleansing |
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| By Alex Bone |
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I’ve been hearing a lot about all these new cleansing techniques designed to, allegedly, help improve your body, mind, and even your spirit. Some people tend to need such things, not sure why. It’s not like we’ve run out of beer or anything. Still, who am I to judge? Maybe it works wonders. There are still many mysteries in the Universe. The holy feathered serpent knows, only a few souls have found the sacred light of our savor, Yig. May his name be hissed.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
You give your readers very little insight into your personal life, for instance, what do you do with your free time?
Clay R.
Muncie, IN
Dear Clay,
If my readers had any insight they wouldn't be visiting this site, but, fine…ahhhh, this week I got stoned, went to Egypt, and punched Anderson Cooper in the face a few times, the usual.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Besides hallucinogens, what methods do you use to obtain an altered state of consciousness? I am really interested in expanding my abilities and hope to ultimately reach new levels of awareness, but I am very concerned, as a teacher, to experiment with illicit substances.
Richard H.
Pasadena, CA
Dear Rudy,
That’s so sad. How can you teach without feeding your head, dude? Bottom line, steady rhythmic bongo drumming while under the influence of malt liquor products can guarantee an altered state of consciousness….or, in some cases, vomit-covered bongos. Ask your doctor if drunken bongo playing is right for you.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am a Shaman in training and I was told one of the first things on my Shamanic to-do-list is to try to find my spirit guide to aid me in my quest and my journey. How do I go about finding my spirit guide?
Benny
Haddonfield, NJ
Dear Benny,
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Is there any way to contact you other than this contact button? I have a question of a personal nature. Oh, and do shamans celebrate Christmas?
Jamie D.
Gilbert, AZ
Dear Jamie,
Sure, I just set up a Shamanic Hot Line at 1-800-SafeAuto for just that purpose. I originally tried 1-800-Shamanic (leave off the last C for Cave) but I'm still working on that one. I am available 24/7 to answer all of your questions on the first line, and it will really be me, even though I may try to sell you car insurance. We enlightened folk have to make a living as well, you know.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Of course Shamans celebrate Christmas, Jamie. In fact, it’s up to the Grinch’s lair tonight to pound some egg nog, smoke some mistletoe, and embark on another double-vision quest. Why do you think Moses talked to snakes in the desert? The lush.
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| Discord to Flush All Toilet Humor |
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| By L. Wolfe |
The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site. Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine. Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well. But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht). Oh come on! Edit that out, Winslow. Damn you!
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| Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth! |
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| By Alex Bone |
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Collapsing Shack, AZ—This is some serious breaking news: now that this distracting election is over, it’s time to push aside useless labels like Tea Bagger, Bleeding Heart Liberal, Limp-Wristed Cow-Kissing Independent, or Humanitarian Sheep-Humping Dingleberry. None of these things matter in the face of the 100 Angry Men and their lacky, nay, their leader, nay, their Supreme Allied Commander…Al Gore.
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| Giant Ghetto Shaman Head Unearthed in Clifton! |
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Clifton, NJ—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, has startled the archeological community again with his excavation of a giant statue of The Daily Discord’s columnist, the Ghetto Shaman. Dr. Hogbein has spent much of his career seeking an ancient race situated between the Hackensack and the Passaic River in a land known as Middle-Jersey.
Dr. Hogbein believes this civilization existed in Jersey an astounding forty-thousand years ago. He also believes the Ghetto Shaman receives nightly transmissions from the Toltec gods and may well be an avatar, returning again and again when the world is in most need of public drunkenness.
"We weren’t sure this was actually the same Shaman until we reached the Basal Paleolithic level (c. 39,000 B.C.)," said Dr. Hogbein. "There we discovered a necklace comprised of partially consumed chicken wings, possibly of the early Domino’s or Papa John’s variety. We became certain at the pre-Specialty Brew level, where numerous empty cans of malt liquor products were found."
The Ghetto Shaman has responded to the professor’s theories thusly, "The only nightly transmission I receive involves a professional woman named Isis."
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| Jack Primus, The Ghetto Shaman, and All the Chicken Wings they could Rally |
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| By Alex Bone |
Washington, DC—On Oct. 30th The National Mall was packed wall-to-wall with celebrities attending the Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul. After a long weekend of bashing in the skulls of the foul Darcarre, Jack Primus swung east in support of the Discord’s cause. Being a fictional character doesn’t stop Primus from doing any number of cool things on a given day. You know that dude, the world’s most interesting man, from those Dos Equis commercials? Jack Primus won’t return his calls.
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| Cobra Sucks: or why at 42 I want Obamacare to Allow Me Back on My Parent’s Insurance |
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| By Dave Atsals |
In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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At the eve of my big rally, I had a thoughtful post prepared. Then I find Mick Zano trying to host a rally on the same day, same place, with parts of my same rally poster. I typically don’t like to air dirty laundry like this, but Mick has become increasingly jealous of my popularity lately. He used to be the big gun, but now more fan mail is gradually coming to me. It’s like over on Fox when Beck started passing O’Reilly. I know it’s hard moving to a steamy pile of number two, bitch, but get used to it. And that poster of yours is a cry for help.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Oh, and in an effort to continue answering my weekly question: yes, it sounds like an infection, JC. But don’t pay top dollar at some walk-in clinic or ED, I have a contact for you. He’s known to most as the Keeper of the Sacred Dime Bag.
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| Midterms Looming: Will Republicans Stop the Budgetary Madness? |
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| By Rick Right Pernick |
It’s less than two weeks until the midterm elections, and people need to be aware of our current debt situation. It sucks. This latest adjective comes from the National Council of Economic Advisors. Actually, it comes from me. But, having studied the subject intensely, I would like to add a ‘really’ at this time. So now the national debt officially ‘really sucks’.
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| Discord Declares October 31st Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day |
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Philadelphia, PA—Earlier today, CEO Pierce Winslow discussed with the press The Daily Discord’s plans to strike several radical Imams with raw eggs this Halloween. His e-zine has come under considerable scrutiny lately for what some are calling "pathetic attempts at publicity." After Winslow explained the intricacies of Operation Trick or Trick, the Ghetto Shaman stepped up to the podium and called for the belittling of Yemen’s Imam, Al->Awlaki.
He then recited a variation of Churchill’s speech, "We shall egg them on the beaches, we shall egg them in the pubs and in the bars, we shall never soufflender!"
No one laughed, however, as the Shaman grumbled off.
Other targets have been identified as, "That asshole calling for war with America if that other asshole burns the Koran, any Imams threatening bloggers or cartoonists, and that guy from Honesdale that keeps calling my wife."
When asked about egging random Mosques, Winslow said, "Absolutely not! This is an asshole-specific-event (ASE), and it must be limited to truly radical Imams, not controversial Imams. Anyone on Fox News with an IQ could be deemed controversial."
Winslow compared the upcoming activity to December 7th, when, to honor the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Discord gang eggs all the area’s Mitsubishi dealers.
"It’s part of our own Zero Zero Tolerance Law," added Winslow with a wink.
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| Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer |
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Washington, DC—Perturbed by recent events, President Obama called for another of his highly-hyped Beer Summits. This time our Head of Suds met with comedian Jon Stewart and news correspondent, Rick Sanchez, to mend some fences. Sanchez recently lost his job, anchoring at CNN, after claiming Stewart is a "bigot" and for claiming "Jews are hardly a repressed minority." Meanwhile, Jon Stewart hasn’t warmed up to any of Obama’s summits and is making fun of them regularly on The Daily Show.
The administration considered calling it Beer Summit! Part Deux and, for some reason, Breakin' 2: Eclectic Brewgaloo, but, due to the historic importance, Obama combined the best of his Beer Summits and his Backyard Summits and went with Backyard Beer Summit.
"This close to the mid-term elections I need my media commentators back on message," said Obama. "And that’s when I have Michelle hit the old Pay & Take for 40oz cans of malty diplomacy."
The summit started off on a rocky note, however, when Sanchez said, "Sorry, Jon, I know deep down you’re really not a Jew."
Stewart responded, "Why don’t you go taze yourself again, bro?"
A fight ensued between the three which the Secret Service thankfully captured on their cell phones. As it turns out, the initial argument between Sanchez and Stewart was a misunderstanding. Sanchez thought the word bigot meant: gay, a ciggie or a bundle of sticks.
"It was terrible to see," said our Chief White House Correspondent, Cokie McGrath. "I haven’t seen that much beer abuse since The Ghetto Shaman’s ejection from the Luxor."
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| Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops |
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Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before. The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.
"The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!"
He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, "Where is everyone? We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!"
When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.
"I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!"
This had the desired effect. Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones. This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event.
"We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "But many were with us in spirit—just not in person. We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either. It’s just impossible to know for sure."
"This is a grass & roots movement like no other," said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.
By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca or Ibogaine.
"This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days," said the Shaman. "We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.
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| Earth is Flat Museum Opens in Kentucky! |
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| By L. Wolfe |
Despite some setbacks, The Daily Discord is proud to announce the grand opening of the Earth is Flat Museum—ironically located in the hills of Kentucky (in the alley behind Ed’s Wok, next to the Dumpster, across from The Creation Museum). The museum’s curator, Lloyd "Bubba" Hickenson, had hoped the opening ceremony would be led by Thomas Friedman, but the award winning New York Times’ columnist insists his version of a ‘flat world’ is metaphorical only.
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| Guess the Ghetto Shaman's Last Bail Total and Win a Trip to Vegas with the Discord Gang! |
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| Individual results may will vary |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Oh Great Ghetto Shaman,
I have been told that when your ears ring, it means that someone is talking about you behind your back. What does it mean when you get that little bit of pre-puke that coughs up into your mouth sometimes?
Thanks,
Intrigued
Dear Intrigued,
It means my...*ahem*...*ack*...excuse me, is a little too big for your mouth. Sorry, but this line comes from a long oral tradition. Oh, and that can make your ears ring too (or so I’m told).
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Kidding, of course. Pre-puke is the Harbinger of Hurl. There is an old Olmec saying, "Allow the spew to drink more brew." A wise and noble race…
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I think your readers are becoming ever more skeptical of your teachings. What do you think?
Flav7
Chelsea, MI
Dear Flav7
You’re supposed to say "teachings" in quotes, like everybody else. Being a Shaman is not a popularity contest! Thank goodness (Winslow tells me my numbers suck). I have had profoundly mystical, life-changing experiences on a regular basis—or as the State of Pennsylvania calls them "charges."
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Why are there such universal threshold guardians? People seem to encounter the same creatures in shamanic trances and under certain hallucinogens from Russia, to Mesoamerica, to the U.S. What do you make of jaguars and snakes guarding all the sacred realms and sacred places of the earth and beyond?
Jay M.
Kokomo, IN
Dear Jay,
Like the great mystic Shakespeare tells us, that which we call a bouncer by another name would still be an asshole.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| OK, Crank, I’ll Stop Bitching: After this One Last Time |
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| By Mick Zano |
Funny, I said the same exact thing about methamphetamine. This will be my last rant against Fox News and George W. Bush. You don’t believe me? Would I ever woefully mislead my fateful readership? I’m not the Ghetto Shaman, for Pete’s sake.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency. This point dawned on me amidst your work The Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage. It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote "Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit."
Jill Y.
Ely, NV
Dear Jill,
Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill. But, hey, keep buying my books!
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: "[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory." As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.
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| Libertarians Anonymous: Breaking with the Tea Parties, Texas Tea, and All Things Lipton |
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| By Art Fenski |
Hi, my name is Art and I'm a libertarian.
[Room responds "Hi Art"]
Today, I am celebrating 387 days sane and centrist!
[Applause]
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| The Bone Gang Destroys Pluto |
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| By Alex Bone |
In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print. Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Do you have any paranormal abilities, Shaman? Through an ageless creed I have wrestled the boa and dodged the skin walker on the rocky hills of my ancestors.
Biff F.
Durango, CO
Dear Bifffff,
Oh, yeah, tough guy? Well, I have watched the Apollo Creed box the Rocky Balboa, and I have even TiVo’d the Walker Texas Ranger. As far as paranormal abilities, I have near-death experiences regularly (most involve entering establishments I am currently barred from). Oh, and visiting my ancestors is pretty rocky too—with the restraining order and all.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
In an Iboga induced trance (IIT), I have contacted my Ancestral Spirits. They have instructed me to become a contributor for the Daily Discord. Do you need any help at this time?
Harry
Lake Grove, NY
P.S. See, I’m already hip with those lousy acronym jokes.
Dear Harry,
A contributor, really? I think you’ve been chewing on the wrong root, my friend. Tell your Ancestral Spirits that Winslow is impossible to work for. Tell them, they should haunt his ass for eternity. You should consider working for a reputable e-zine, like over at NinjaLesbians.com. I’m trying to get in with those bitches, literally. Think about it: The Daily Discord or Ninja Lesbians? Follow the path of the warrior…or, in this case, the naked ninja, hot girl-on-girl action, warrior.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I don’t listen to my living ancestors, let alone my dead ones. Do I have to teach you people everything?
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| Send Brewer, Guns, and Money |
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| By Mick Zano |
Arizona’s Governor Janet Brewer is brilliant! I will never call her democratically challenged again. She is killing two birds with one stone. She is cutting most funding for the severely mentally ill, while she lets every undocumented felon carry concealed weapons, everywhere and anywhere: bar, state park, church function, or cock fight. At first I thought, what an idiot. And then I thought…clever girl! These things will just work themselves out over time with little to no cost to the taxpayer.
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| Serious Solutions Sought for Sesame Street's Social Slide |
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| By L. Wolfe |
My two toddlers were watching Sesame Street the other day. I’m just happy when they stop playing Resident Evil. So I decided to sit down and watch one of my favorite childhood shows with them. First off, I am first generation Sesame Street watcher, so I figured it would be some good family time. Besides, I always try to put on a good facade when the social workers are "visiting."
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| North Pole Packs Up, Moves to the Far East: Discord Discovers Cause! |
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| By L. Wolfe |
The Earth’s North Magnetic Pole has been guiding navigation for well over a thousand years. Some of the earliest known maps depicting the approximate location of the Earth’s northern pole placed it just off modern day Murmansk. Not to be confused with singer/actress Ethel Mermansk. The exact location of the pole was first discovered by James Clark Ross in 1831 at Cape Adelaide on the Boothia Peninsula in Northern Canada (while playing hockey naked).
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am wrestling with what to do about my mother’s failing health. She is getting up there in years but the idea of a nursing home scares her. I’m just not ready for this, but I fear she might be. Thoughts?
Sandy E.
Sierra Vista, AZ
Dear Sandy,
Good news! I would like to announce the grand opening of my new nursing home in northern Arizona, a land sacred to my bartenders. My nature nursing home retreat can accommodate any number of elderly folk. Heck, they stack like cord wood. During the summer months, my program focuses on Sweat Lodging and, for the winter months, I have designed a series of meditations to increase body temperature despite the extreme cold. At my roadside culvert for the aged, I will always be available for your loved one (or at least at the bar across the street). If suffering is the key to enlightenment, then this program is surely strife in the fast lane.
No senior citizen discounts for obvious reasons.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Ghetto Shaman,
Shamanistic practices are demonic in nature. A Shaman can open doors, but these doors are not so easily closed. You are toying with some dark practices, sorcerer, practices that can lead to death, possession, or other types of occult bondage.
Susan I.
Moab, UT
Dear Susan,
Oh, you’re no fun anymore. You do have a point, though. When I come home really drunk and kick in my front door, it’s really hard to close the next day. Oh, and on that note, check out one of my favorite lesbian link partners at occultbondage.com.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Free Speech for Those who Can Afford It: An Informed Rebuttal |
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| By Rick Right Pernick |
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In March 2002, President George W. Bush signed into law the McCain Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Bill, which essentially restricted the free speech rights of groups within 30 days prior to an election cycle. Later, GWB, the former president not the bridge, would excuse his actions claiming while he was aware of the unconstitutional restriction of free speech, he signed the bill anyway assuming the law would be challenged and overturned by SCOTUS. Shouldn’t he have championed freedom of speech? Shouldn’t’ that &^%ing @$$ #$%* (shamelessly censored) defend our 1st Amendment *&^%s (not so shamelessly censored)?!
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| Think Outside the Fox: A Crank Rebuttal |
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The Crank had a postscript with his last feature, and, though it pains me to admit it, he’s right. I’ve been a little bitchy in my posts lately—using more colorful metaphors and the like. I have come up with some more politically correct compromises: instead of Teabaggers, Tea Party members will hence forth be referred to as the "democratically disabled". And I never should have called my Governor a bitch. From now on such politicians will be referred to as the "legislaturally challenged". Even the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do not deserve the title of "assholes", so from now on they will be referred to as "suffering from pervasive partisanship disorder (PPD)".
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| Obama’s Economic Team Seen Entering Cash Advance Establishment |
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Washington, DC - President Obama has refused to comment on the picture, seen here, of the President, along side of his top economic advisors, entering a notorious south D.C. cash advance establishment. Obama also denied allegations he is supplementing the Federal Reserve in such a manner. When specifically questioned about his whereabouts last weekend, Obama said everything from "blowing loads of cash in Las Vegas" to "hiking the Appalachian Trail with Senator Sanford." None of the stories checked out, however. Last weekend, Bald Tony was in Vegas ‘blowing loads of cash’ and the Ghetto Shaman was hiking the Appalachian Trail naked. Neither report seeing Obama at these locations.
When confronted by the press, Obama said, "Look, you might see me going into a cash advance place, but you’re not going to find a picture of me leaving with any cash. Have you seen the United States’ credit score lately?"
Obama is also denying allegations he was spotted at a pawn shop with the East Room portrait of George Washington. When reporters noticed the empty wall this week, Obama explained he was simply having the missing picture shampooed. When questioned why he is still wearing the Groucho Marx mustache/glasses combo, Obama pretended not to hear the question and ended the press conference. |
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| With the Shaman, The Ghetto Shaman... |
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| ...The Tiger sleeps at night |
| Awembawa awembawa... |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I love your work. But what do you think that freaky Norway cloud spiral was last month? I heard thousands of people witnessed this image in the night sky. Is it some alien Fibonaccian message? Does it tie in with Mayan Cosmogenesis? What could create such a freakishly large display? Do you have any idea?
Vie
Medford, OR
Dear Vie,
No…
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Bighoot and the Owl People |
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| By Mick Zano |
Haneyville, PA—We Discordians have congregated at an annual party for about twenty years now. No one knows exactly why; it’s best not to question these things. Every June, like those Capistrano swallows, we migrate to a remote Pennsylvanian cabin deep in the Black Forest region of Sproul State Forest (thankfully not to spawn). The last party got a little strange…and not in the usual, bean fight, tree duct-tapping, naked fire dancing kind of strange. I’m talking real strange…
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am wondering about the significance of a personal vision quest as it relates to the greater shamanic tradition.
Ralph
Sioux City, IA
Dear Ralph,
I think Vision Quest is that eyeglass place where you can get your prescription lenses back within an hour.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Beer and Frothing in Las Vegas |
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| By Mick Zano |
For my last trip to Vegas, I decided to look beyond the flashing and blinking lights of Sin City and really rate this town. Sorry, the blinking lights of Vegas are about as close to Christmas as you're going to get here at the Discord. The biggest hurdle to my destination came in the form of a brewpub, the Boiler Room, in Laughlin, Nevada. This pub, constructed like the bowels of a giant ship, had a sign out front that read: Thirsty Thursdays: All Drafts 1 Dollar. It happened to be Thursday and I was, in fact, thirsty. Hmmmm. I opened my wallet and implemented an old college equation. A dollar a beer, so if I have eighty-dollars in my wallet...then that means I have...er, carry the one...a shit load of beer!
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
In your book Authenticity Through Faking Orgasms, somewhere in Chapter four, entitled Inner Wisdom Inner Twat, it dawned on me, you have deep-seated, unresolved issues with women. It is as if you are taking a big dump along the mystical path.
John
Framingham, MA
Dear John,
Shit Crappens…
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Read my seventh book Liberation Through Defecation, particularly chapter three, The Fart of War. Now contemplate the sound of one cheek farting. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am a Shaman. During an exotic soul retrieval last Saturday night, I journeyed to the Lowerworld and mistakenly tapped into some very dark spirits. Mistakes were made and, as a result, I may need to enlist the help of a fellow Shaman to return to the Lowerworld and retrieve what I have now lost.
Nagual Miguel
State College, PA
Dear Nagual,
If I understand you correctly, you were looking for some Thai Hookers in the Rathskeller this weekend. Instead, you found some stout beer on draft that went down a little too well, if you follow. So you ended up getting into a fight, you got barred, and/or the bar staff still has your credit card. Been there, done that…
I believe I can help. And by help I mean, beat you to the bar, steal your identity, and buy me a bitching jet ski. Just send me your birthday and SS# and I will get right on this.
Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Let’s say the Mayans really could see into the future, but what if they didn’t tap into the actual events of 2012, but the trailer of the upcoming movie 2012? It could explain everything!
Steve
Berlin, NH
What if, during your birth, oxygen was not supplied to your brain for several minutes? It could explain everything!
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am sure about only two things after reading one of your works: the inner paths to enlightenment have nothing to do with a woman’s privates, and you know nothing about the universal truths.
Sally
Laredo, TX
Dear Sally,
The truth needs few words, aka WRONG! Read my book Shamans, Sages, and Sangrias and give me a call…around last call. And in the immortal words of Melharishi Brooks, don’t wear anything complicated.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dude,
WTF? What is the problem with the Thai stick? Ever since Clinton got back from North Korea with them fine Asian honeys that were "very grateful, he, he" I aint been able to get dat fine Thai stick. Hook me up, dude!
The Wolfenstein and his girly girls
Dear Whatsisface and his chicky chicks,
I’m confused. Thai stick is everywhere now, even in convenience stores. I swear by the stuff. If I’m on a business luncheon and I get food on my tie, it takes even the toughest stains right out. I carry a tube of Thai Stick® in my house and one for the glove box in my car. Consider yourself hooked up, dude and dudettes.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Healthcare: A Broken System Almost as Bad as Depicted by Michael Moore |
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| By Mick Zano |
Amidst much chagrin, chest-thumping, and gnashing of teeth, this post highlights the problems of expanding public healthcare. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. After all, the truth is the truth is the truth, lied Zano. Government funded healthcare is complicated to the point of absurdity. In fact, Managed Care has created whole swaths of self-important middle men and middle agencies that both spend and make oobs and gobs and loads of tax payer’s money while desperately trying to justify their own existence. This is not uncommon in super capitalism land, which is another reason why this house of cards called the U.S. economy has less sustainability than a freshly baked Krispy Kreme in Crank Manor.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Out here near Seattle, there is a very nice retreat house on Whidbey Island that welcomes all faiths. Could the Ghetto Shaman host a retreat here in the Seattle area?
Phillip
Seattle, WA
Dear Phillip,
I arrange everything through my agent. But I don’t have an agent. So no. An island, you say, hmmmn. I’ll tell you what, you bring the chicks of all faiths and I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration |
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Philadelphia, PA - The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, claims that the festivities scheduled for this big event have been cancelled in honor of a new Discord tradition, Great Recession Day. Winslow would like to extend a big ‘thank you’ and an even bigger ‘Happy Anniversary’ to the Daily Discord, now heralded by at least one bald person in Vegas as “bordering on significant.”
Now a word from the Big Guy himself: “We are laying off several Discord staffers, who either don’t earn their keep or just plain SUCK. Your pink slips are in the mail, bitches. In an effort to save on unemployment compensation, some of you are encouraged to report from deep within Taliban controlled territories, or from inside North Korea itself. The Crank is no longer both Goomis and the Crank; having two names is a luxury we can no longer afford. We are all going to have to make sacrifices. The Ghetto Shaman agrees to continue to work for chicken wings, because “my message is too important for mankind, and I love the suicide sauce!”
Pokey should be released from jail soon, but his parole officer is not thrilled with his participation in our fine Ezine. On a related note, screw you, officer Desoto! Dave Atsals has finally agreed to stop sending material in exchange for beer. That is all...oh, and remember, Big Winslow is watching. Oh, and check out our anniversary page from week one! I posted the first historic feature article, and it’s been all downhill every since.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Ghetto Shaman,
The Bible tells us God was Isaiah, God was Jesus, God was King Solomon, God was Jonah and the whale. God is present in each and every corner of this vast Universe, but nowhere, sir, do I see God present in you! You are a fraud and a crank!
Michael Barren
Fergus Falls, MN
Dear Michael,
Actually the Crank is the guy with the old gorilla at the top of his column. I’m the guy with the half-eaten chicken bones around my neck, an honest mistake.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. It would take huffing three kitchens worth of cleaning products before I could understand how God could be both Jonah and the whale. I will consider that a challenge, sir. And I will let you know. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Hello, I am an attractive twenty six year old Yoga instructor. I am striving for complete inner and outer harmony. Striving seems to have led me into a blind alley for the moment. Can you help me?
Pam Nystrom
Johnstown, PA
Dear Pam,
I believe I can. Bend over, I’ll strive.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Your attempt at a “sequel” to His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness is truly appalling. The Fart of Crappiness is an affront to all Buddhists. Actually, it’s an affront to all people! You have missed each and every major point of Buddhist mysticism. If I ever run into you in a dark alley it will be a true test for me to ‘harm none.’
Gary Kissel
Monroe, LA
Dear Gary,
Indeed, at the heart of all Zen lies a staggering contradiction. I am such a contradiction. No I’m not. See? Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I have studied the mystical path for over ten years and I am still riddled with anxiety. I am worried people are going to find out my fondness for women’s clothing. I try so hard to meditate, but yoga and tai chi just can’t separate me from my fears. I have fears about the recent economic downturn, fears about my girlfriend finding out my secret, fear of, well, everything. I need a Shaman. I need your guidance.
Jack Mendelsen
Kenosha, WI
Dear Jack,
You are afraid of people discovering your fondness for women’s clothing, one Jack Mendelsen of Kenosha, Wisconsin? I am sure your secret is safe (moron). Look, self-transformation often involves a pair of fishnets and stilettos. It does for me, anyway. As for fear…Just Stop! Fear is the enemy. Anxiety is crippling our society. You must move beyond your fears. The level of fear in the United States today scares the living shit out of me! Hmmm, Living Shit the Mystical Pooh…maybe a book idea in there somewhere.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Enlightenment seems such a mystery to me. The ego must be strong before it is destroyed? Striving for enlightenment is a barrier to enlightenment itself? There are so many ‘sound of one hand clapping’ type paradoxes that the main point keeps eluding me.
Dedra Farley
Tempe, AZ
Dear Dedra,
Very true, Dedra. At the heart of Zen are confounding paradoxes designed to help focus the mind. For example, to the untrained eye, even I myself may appear like an addicted amoral opportunistic, criminal-minded type, but in actuality, er……all right, bad example.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
In your book The Enlightened Mind on Crack at the end of the chapter entitled The Tao of Skull Fucking, what exactly are the Booty Sutras? I can not find any references to them anywhere.
Elsa Potter
Salinas, CA
Dear Elsa,
I don’t even remember that book. I was on crack; what part of that don’t you understand, Elsa?
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale and I must admit to some confusion. I normally like stream of consciousness stuff, but what is Midget Reiki, who exactly are the Jersey Chuds, and why do you spend weeks at a time in a bar room toilet trying to contact the Malt Liquor Gods?
Sincerely,
Michael Raney
Hagerstown, MD
Dear Michael,
Indeed, I call that style Manic-Binge writing.
First off, Midget Reiki is only for the adept. A better place to start would be at one of my Yoga Parties. Yo-ga! Yo-ga!
The Jersey Chuds are minions of the Chaos Pigeons; those feathery adversaries to all that is sacred. Mick Zano and Dr. Sterling Hogbein have written extensively about them. I would recommend their works, but, as a rule I only plug my own books.
As for your third question: a Shaman’s job is to become in-tune with energies constantly percolating on the energetic plane and then alter those energies prior to their manifestation back here on the earthly plane. I drink malt liquor products and frequent the men’s room in hopes of one day harnessing the energy of the sacred beer fart (See Fartori Experience). I believe these energies will one day power the unfolding Universe itself. Pokey McDooris is single-colonly pushing this particular boundary. What he can do with a burrito and forty ounces of Big Jug Xtra Malt Liquor is legendary.
Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Discord Holds Protests in Six Cities to Bash the Media: No One Covers It |
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Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause. In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!” Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!” Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine. At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited. Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!” OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25th he added the exclamation point - for the cause. Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated).
“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
While searching for deeper shamanic states, I seem to only experience manic depressive states. I hear voices and see shadows during the height of these manic phases. Am I getting close?
Nancy O’Leary
Erie, PA
Dear Nancy,
Getting close? Getting Clozaril is more like it. Look, try harnessing your manic phases by pushing your creativity into higher vibrational frequencies, and then ask your doctor if an inpatient psych stay is right for you.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Are those half eaten Buffalo wings hanging around your neck?
Jackson Mitchell
San Diego, CA
Dear Jackson,
Only our oldest legends speak of a time when the mythical Buffalo could take flight across the... All right, all right, Papa John’s Sherlock.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Integral Men Are Real Men: Cranken Revisited |
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| By Mick Zano |
Real men are integral men. Meditation increases blood flow to the brain, thickens the cerebral cortex, boosts immunity, lessens stress, promotes better sex, and promotes better everything, frankly. In response to your ‘tribute to Cheney’ article, and other slams on yours truly, the John Wayne’s of the world have had their time. Whereas I can commiserate with your touch of nostalgia; Bush’s cowboy brand of justice is out of style. That is not to say aspects of this perspective aren’t sometimes necessary, but the people you champion consistently place personalities before principles (very consistently). |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
You are such a prolific writer, where do you recommend beginning? Reading your work out of order, well, it just loses something.
Sincerely,
Jake Schmidt
Reno, NV
Dear Jake,
I wrote my first book during my ‘long night of the soul,’ which I called Bernie. At the heart of my pre-enlightened period, I wrote my first book: Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t. I wrote this before I was a Shaman, but after my period.
Sincerely,
The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I recently read your book entitled Ten Spiritual Lessons for Drunken Clubbies, and I found it stunningly demeaning to women.
Sincerely,
Flo Petersen
Portsmouth, NH
Dear Flo,
If you think that was bad, you might want to stay away from the second book in my women studies series entitled Battery Operated Vibrational Healing. Just a word to the wise.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Mr. Ghetto Shaman,
You are a disgrace! I read what I could stomach of your latest degenerative drivel, Spiritual Healing Through Sex with Me, and I am just wondering how you could possibly sleep at night, you sick bastard?
Tanya Moore
Yuma, AZ
Dear Tanya,
If you had read my entire work, you would know how I sleep at night. Re-read my chapter on drunken orgasms entitled: The Mad-Dog Dharma Cums.
Sinbeerly,
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How can I become a Shamen? I really don’t like pain and I have asthma real bad. Will that be a problem?
Sincerely,
Tim Lions
Seattle, WA
Dear Tim,
First off, to become a Shaman one must learn how to fucking spell Shaman! You spelled it right in my name, dipshit. I am feeling generous today. Since I am a healer, just send me twenty dollars and I will make you a Shaman. Send me twenty more and I’ll see about your asthma. Oh, and if the check should bounce, just remember that my friends are ancient Mayan gods.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I want my money back. I recently purchased your self-published work, Coricidin: Consciousness and Condoms, and, well, it wasn’t what I expected.
Sincerely,
Lee Stickle
Dear Lee.
I never refund anything for anyone, but I do urge you to purchase, at a reduced cost, my latest work The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear ghetto Shaman,
I am a fellow shaman and find myself confused, even appalled, by some of your teachings. I too have spoken to the spirit plants. They almost universally implore us to avoid alcohol, sugar, salt, and even sex, so how do you justify your last ‘healing retreat’ entitled: Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.
Sincerely,
Lamas Gitomachus
Dear Lamas,
There are many different plants and, therefore, many different interpretations. Perhaps you are not as enlightened as you claim. Next you’ll be knocking my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Why don’t you try listening to cannabis sometime, Medicine Man, preferably with a bag of chips.
The Ghetto Shaman. |
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Dear Ghetto Dude,
I noticed a trend at the locker room that's quite startling. No, it wasn't my shocking lack of manhood. That is another topic entirely. I want to know about the latest crave sweeping the nation. Wait for it, manscaping!! I notice, not intentionally, but that other guys are trimming this shit back. I have to admit I have a situation going on down yonder. It’s like a wild, untamed bush beast. What should I do about this dick fro, bro?
Harry Testicles
Dear Harry,
Nair.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I recently sculpted a bonsai tree out of mine. Just don’t use garden shears. But if you do have a mishap, some universities will purchase your balls for cash! I’ve donated three myself. Woe...there goes another one. Good thing they grow back.
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Stocks rally on news you're actually going to post something this week. In particular, crude really tumbles without your important voice.
Mick Zano
Dear Mick,
Yeah, for me it's always a bare market...until the police arrive. Sorry, i'm kind of behind on my fan mail. Some of us don't have the luxury of not getting any, bitch.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Things have changed as my husband has gotten older. I still want to have sex all the time but he’s satisfied with once or twice a week, at most. I’ve tried everything to peak his interest: midgets, swings, toys, swing toys, and manipulating toys in a swing with midgets. Nothing has worked! Shouldn’t my significant other do his husbandly duty? Isn’t he obligated to satisfy my every fantasy and whim? 24/7? Midgets sold separately.
Sixty Nine Sally (that’s not my age or my real name)
Dear 69S,
Yes.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I sent you my actual cell phone number in the reply email. Oh, and I always BYOM (Bring my Own Midget)
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I think you’re stepping on the dream of the planet, not to mention my dreams, and you have women issues to boot!!!!
Leanna
Dear multi-exclamation-points,
Many do consider me the Founding Father of Drunken Debauchery. And, yes, women do boot me; that's the issue! But are they really my issues? The restraining orders certainly suggest so. For your wisdom I have sent you a free coupon for my book, Awakening the One Eyed Cosmic Serpent. I suggest you don’t read it. Maybe re-gift it to that special someone in your life. Then suggest that they don't read it.
Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Never give up on your dreams, because one day you really might just wake up naked in class. I have...and I'm not even enrolled anywhere.
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| Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses |
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| By Mick Zano |
Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.
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| The Liz Cheney Interview: Brought to You by the Makers of Nexium |
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| By Mick Zano |
I live in a very red state. The move was quite volitional, kind of like when I pick at a scab, or order nuclear wings, or luge naked. Yes, I’m a luger, baby, like that song. It may just be a coincidence, but I can’t get MSNBC on the telly anymore. Lately my remote skips from CNN to Fox News. True story. I’m sure this has not been orchestrated by my Governor, Jan Brewer, as I have seen both my cable company and Mrs. Brewer in action, first hand, and neither of them could pull off something this sophisticated.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Though I actually have no real question, I’d like to offer ‘you’ some advice. After all, I am in a wonderful, long-term monogamous relationship built on love, respect, and trust.
RS
Dear RS,
Is that you Santorum? I told you to stop hitting my contact button because I think you’re a douche.
Sincerely,
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Oh, and I’m seeing your wife and she thinks you’re a douche too. So is Gingrich by the way (no surprise there).
P.P.S. And I’m taking your son fishing this weekend.
P.P.P.S. Oh, and nice liquor cabinet, but sorry about the scotch thing.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Lemme' Teech U Sumpin', G-H-E-T-T-O. Shaman spelled backwards is Na Mahs, loosely translated from the Sanskrit-Pictish means NO MAS. Hang up yo' diaper, 'cuz yo schtick is gettin' stale. Listen dude, I am a longtime fan. You need to start sellin' sum T-Shirts or sumpin'. Bring back the Juice! By the way, you STILL owe me $20, bitch.
'Lil Trump.
Uoldhaunts, PA
Dear ‘Lil Trump,
Twenty dollar make you holler! I spent your twenty in Thailand, but I swear that boy was at least sixteen. You have to be more specific. I owe a lot of people money. When we do sell T-shirts I will send you one, in lieu of the twenty.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. But I have a copyright on bitch, bitch...and a prescription for penicillin.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Hello Ghetto Shaman,
I'm a new contributor to The Daily Discord. Do you have any suggestions, recommendations, or warnings for me?
Thank you,
The Librarian
Dear Librarian,
Don’t go to the Discord Christmas party next week. Really, don’t. It even scares me. Just let Mr. Winslow mail you the pen set that turns out to be pencils. I believe that constitutes a suggestion, a recommendation, and a warning.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I'm not kidding...
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| Save Some Real Money Supercomittee, Weed the People! |
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| By Mick Zano |
Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of 'lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.
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| Life Coach Cokie: On Social Site Bombing |
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Don’t worry. The Ghetto Shaman will be back next week. Mr. Winslow doesn’t always get his bail money to him in a timely fashion.
Turning social sites against their owner is an art form. First, be sure to get your target drunk and then gain access to all of his or her social sites. For this little experiment, I used friend and fellow Discordian, Zick Mano. When he went to the bathroom, I friended all of his subordinates, who he would never normally friend, and then proceeded to fire them all. (Now be quick about it, as time is of the essence).
Then when he returned, I talked him into searching and friending a bunch of his ex-girlfriends (lawyers, porn stars, lawyer-porn stars!). Then, when he went back to the bathroom (this is where it’s important to keep the drinks flowing), simply invite all of them for threesomes in a variety of exotic locations. You can invite midgets, politicians, cartoon characters, whomever. Get creative with it. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.
Mick’s exs are funny! One of them even threatened a restraining order. Good times. Be warned, I never recommend drunken self social site debauchery (DSSSB), but when you successfully target a friend, it’s pure entertainment. Keep in mind, these activities can damage friendships, careers, even marriages, but thankfully not your own.
Cokie McGrath
Ask any question and I will answer! At least until the Shaman gets bailed out, of course.
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Tell Dave Atsals I'm single, but is he single?
Cokie McGrath
Discord Field Reporter
Dear Cokie,
What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible. I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
This seems to be a common theme with what I’ve read of your column, but sex drugs and rock & roll are at odds with most teachings of spirituality. What am I missing?
Zitz
Dear Zitz,
A lot of fun, apparently. We have DMT and cannabinoid receptors in our brains. Drugs are an integral part of our heritage, but my boss and my P.O. aren’t buying it. Check out David Lewis-Williams’ work on cave art. He has all but proven that rock art throughout the world has recurrent entoptic/shamanic patterns. When man ingested the first ‘shrooms and gnawed on the first psychedelic roots we finally climbed out of the trees and claimed our birthright—which has widely been regarded as a bad move (D. Adams).
Lewis-Williams’ is one of many scholars who believe the use of hallucinogens actually stepped up our evolution. You can learn more about binge drinking and enlightenment in my latest work Ancestral Party Animal: Voices from the First Kegger.
Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. And at my house hallucinogens have also been successfully used to treat boredom.
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
The other day this owl swooped right in front of me and my girlfriend. Not at night in broad daylight! Have you heard of animocracy, or something, telling the future through animal behavior? Is this a good omen or a bad omen and would you care to comment on omens in general?
Jackson Hole
Dear Jackson Hole,
I am very familiar with animocracy, and I sincerely hope, especially considering the current economic crisis, that animals start to legislate soon. As for your question about omens: Omen 1: with Gregory Peck was a very good omen. Omen II: is a pretty good Omen as well. That scene when the kid drowns under the ice is really creepy. Omen III: is a very bad Omen. I don’t think I made it through the whole thing. Omen IV: remains shrouded in mystery, but I have moved it into my Netflix cue and will let you know soon. But I don’t remember there being any owls in those.
Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Halloween is coming up and what do you think is the most likely costume to get me laid? Just curious.
Terri
Dear Just Curious,
If you are a female, I would go with a Wonder Woman costume. But, if you decide to go with this theme, don't try to make-it in your invisible airplane; this is the age of cell phone cameras. If you are a male I would go with a Ghetto Shaman mask. These are available wherever fine Ghetto Shaman masks are sold. If you are a male that likes to hang out at certain clubs, I would go with the Wonder Woman costume. Again, watch the Boeing buggery.
Sin-beerly,
The Ghetto Shaman
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| You Say You Want a Revolution? |
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| By Mick Zano |
Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one. It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, "Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work."
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| Harry Potter: Ten Years I’ll Never Get Back |
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| By Mick Zano |
The biggest blockbuster of the year is undoubtedly Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows—Part 2. You know it’s a serious movie when I throw in an adverb as big and daunting as ‘undoubtedly’, right from the get go. The Daily Discord was there to cover this prestigious premiere. When I say premiere, I mean, a week later during a matinee at the Ghettoplex. Oh, and Mr. Winslow will probably never reimburse me the admission price. Bastard!
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Here’s Your Daily Affirmations, Fuck Face, and it really had in impact on me. Not a good one. It’s just, I thought you had to grow compassion and selflessness to reach nirvana.
Jed "Free the Seed" O’Neil
Dear Jed,
Are there not many ways up the mountain, young grass smoker? I am simply trying to help people find Zen through the art of indifference, which may just be the title of my next book. Hmmm. Let’s try it: please buy my latest work The Art of Indifference. Yeah, I like that…now available through PayPal.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Oh, but I would stay away from Nirvana if I were you. Smells like Great Spirit.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book The Power of Now, Bitches and it’s the same title as Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now. You just added the word "bitches" at the end. Is there no limit to your audacity?
S. Latte
Dear S,
Nope…besides, I also added the comma. It didn’t get there by itself. If you want to see where I really rip off Tolle, read my masterpiece When Stillness Spews.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Discord Apology XXXIV |
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time. We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity. Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.
Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.
On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter. In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.
Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well.
I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine. The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help. On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Your last reader nailed it. You’re preaching about enlightenment, yet you’re glorifying the abuse of alcohol, hallucinogens, and things you probably make in your basement. BWTF?
Sincerely,
Hal
(I’m not telling you where I live, bitches)
Dear Hal,
Thank goodness for RSS feed cookies, or we’d never have been able to track down all of your personal information and sell it on the black market for Mad Dog money.
Look, I only have a short column through which to convey a ton of important information. To really understand the true essence of my teachings, you should purchase my latest masterpiece, Opened Heart, Bloated Liver: a Warrior’s Path to Partying.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. BWTF? Is that Big Wet Titty Fun? … just a guess, but an educated one.
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Do you have any nick names or aliases? Just curious.
Greg D.
Straatmore, CO
Dear Greg,
Some call me the Keeper of the Sacred Knowledge. Others call me Dances with Drinks. Still others call me the Man Who Should Stop His Drunken Facebook Posts!
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. And don’t even get me started on Toking Twitter Tuesdays!
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Since you are such an erudic chap, maybe you can help me out. I read this passage somewhere: "I see a fountain bubbling with life. Language is not able to reveal this. For the entire eighth, my son, and that are in it, and the angels, sing a hymn in silence." I forget where I found this quote, but that night I had a profound dream, almost a peak experience. Do you care to comment? Do you know what it might mean?
Vern
Vernon, NJ
Hey Vern,
Vern from Vernon? Really? Sure I am erudic, phonetically. Actually, I am a rude dick—it think you wanted erudite. But I know the quote of which you speak. I found it through a union with the higher realms and the Wikipedia Gods. Obviously the "fountain bubbling with life" is reference to an ancient CO2 tap system of some type. "Language is not able to reveal this" translates as the ineffable buzz of the malt liquor mammas. "For the entire 8th" is reference to the finishing of the sacred 8th pint, in Buddhism this corresponds to the eight pint path. Once the aspirant chugs the 8th beer, he or she passes through the challenge of the spin monsters and arrives at enlightenment or, in some cases, the drunk tank.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Either that or it’s about jerking off. I’m sure it’s one of the two.
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| ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There |
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| By Sarah Angelfire |
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Sorry for the delay in reporting alien impressions, but I have discovered much while working deep undercover. No, I’m not reporting on Zano’s Viagra issues…this time. This gets even stranger than that image, so stay with me here. Sure humans are swell. On a universal scale, we can do a whole lot more than some other species around the cosmos (that’s even when taking into consideration Daily Discord contributors). |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How come you only promote your own books? Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?
Marcus
Renton, WA
Dear Marcus,
That could not be farther from the truth! I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop. For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck. He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. But if you're only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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A note to Charlie:
You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis. You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana. You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one. I can assist you with this. Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit. Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses. So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?
Kristina H.
Dear Kristina,
I've only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie! |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
What is the difference between psychokinesis and telepathy? And which, if any, have the shaman mastered?
Chad
San Fernando, CA
Dear Chad,
The spelling is totally different, for one. Duh. Shamans have mastered both, of course, which makes us psycho-pathic, as my rap sheet will attest. To prove what I say, I want you to look at this card, drawn at random from an unfettered deck of 52. Don’t tell me what it is.
Now I am going to concentrate on this card…(almost forgot my bongos). OK…wait for it…
Is this your card?
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ghetto Shaman Threat Level Raised to Red: World Tour Over |
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Cairo, EG—From the beginning, the Ghetto Shaman World Tour (GSWT) was plagued with problems. The recent upheaval in Egypt was the last camel straw. Following citizen uprisings in Tunisia, Algeria, and Yemen, civil unrest in Jordan and the Kurdish section of Syria, and now Egypt, Daily Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow said "enough is enough."
"It’s no coincidence all this political unrest spawned within days of each of the Ghetto Shaman’s tour stops," said Winslow. "I’m all for stirring the pot, but I don’t want the Discord’s GSWT to become the Franz Ferdinand of World War III. Besides, I told the bastard not to do the Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day bit. Moron."
While not confirmed, reports suggest Winslow received a threatening phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. It’s also been reported "Mossad" was mentioned several times during the call.
Homeland Security states it will not lower the current threat level until the Shaman is safely back in his sweat lodge.
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| Seven Minutes to Last Call: The Discord Doomsday Clock |
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In 1947, the board of directors of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists at the University of Chicago first published the Doomsday Clock. It reflected the potential for catastrophic destruction of human kind (initially from nuclear annihilation and eventually from Daily Discord articles).
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Announcement:
My home brews are done, bitches! My prized dopple bock, the Alternator, is ready to rock & roll, and I just tapped my Kundalini Kolsch (I left out the umlaut because I didn’t know how to spell it). Also ready for imbibing is my Soul Retrieval Stout, Ecstasy Ale, Sorcerer’s Saison, and there’s still one more batch of my prized Peyote Porter. Or, if you want something blessed by the goddess of the harvest, try my unfiltered hefe, Three Sheets to the Weiss.
I know I am calling this a beer tasting, but, truth be told, I drink a little too fast to "taste" anything, but whatever floats your brewski boat, bitches. Taste if you want, chug if you want, but either way come down to my kick off home brew bash, Heaven and Helles, next Saturday under the Market Street Bridge. Dress warmly. Oh, and if you can’t make the party, buy my book: Altered Stouts of Consciousness: A Home Brewer’s Guide to the Godhead
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Christmas No Mas: or How the Crank Saved Christmas |
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| By L. Wolfe |
It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness. The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege. As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again. What’s next? Take the nukka out of Hanukkah? Take the Ramada out of Ramadan? The zaa out of Kwanzaa? Take the birth out of Birthday? The Bud out of Buddha? Wait, scratch that last one.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your article Malt Liquor Mindfulness and, all I can say is, what the hell, dude? Really? There’s nothing logical or scientific or spiritual about your approach to enlightenment. Not remotely.
Joey V.
Seattle, WA
Dear John,
Nonsense, I use the scientific method quite rigorously by applying geophysical and biomagnetic concepts to my binge drinking. Have you ever heard of the Ainu people of Asia and their great Bear Festival? Well, instead of sacrificing a bear, I just transcended one letter to include the plant spirits of hops and barely. More is explained in my latest masterpiece: Bud Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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The Ghetto Shaman column will not be posted tonight due to unforeseen circumstances involving copious amounts of Mentos, Pepsi, hookers, Alka-Seltzer, and Xtreme Sour Apple Pop Rocks. The authorities are not sure if this was a publicity stunt or a suicide attempt.
We, at the Discord, like to think he was trying to reach a higher plane of existence through stupidity—by pushing the boundaries of enlightened inappropriateness. Or, perhaps even more likely, it was some type of ill-conceived bar bet gone horribly, horribly wrong.
We will keep you posted if and when he regains consciousness. Meanwhile, the Shaman asks that all of his fans rent Don’t Mess with the Zohan and Zoolander. If enough people watch these movies at the same time, he believes it will create a tear in the Universe through which he can return to the living.
Sincerely,
Pierce X. Winslow
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I think you're an f'ing scam. A friend of mine attended one of your "enlightenment" sessions at her university earlier this year, and she told me that you showed up drunk, did nothing but hit on her all night, and the puked all over her after pounding half the punch bowl at the after party. On top of that, she said you broke into the ladies room while she was trying to clean up and stole her bra. WTF dude? I thought you were someone I could trust.
Oh, and BTW, she's thinking about pressing charges. Pig.
Thanks for nothing,
Roxanne
Dear Roxanne,
Sorry it took me five months to respond. I didn’t want my readers to get the wrong idea. You didn’t even say what university? Besides, I usually only frequent high school bathrooms. Otherwise, I admit it sounds like me. A lot. But, look, why is everyone so shocked about what happens at my Hide the Sacred Sausage Workshops in the first place? Or, when my flyer for an event says, prepare to receive my Big 10inch Spiritual Transmission, there’s always these annoying lawsuits. Really, people? Next you’ll be condemning my Pop-a-Cherry Virgin Healing Retreats.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I’m wearing your friend’s bra, right now. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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My Journey:
Success! On Oct 30th, I prepared the Mad Dog 20/20 in the traditional Toltec manner of opening the top. I then procured nutmeg from a local spice store. Actually, someone scored it for me; I’ve been banned. I ingested the mixture and exited this dimensional plane of existence, stage left. I fought the Xemmoni, the Darcarre, and the Spin Monsters to reach the spiritual representation of America—in this case, Sam Kinison. I lost most of his teachings, because of all the yelling, but I did make out: "YOU F***ING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my ****ing records back!"
You should all begin to feel different now, somehow lighter, more-centered, more-connected to the Earth and all of its inhabitants. Now someone post my ****ing BAIL, BITCHES! AHHhhHhh! AHHhhhhh!
The Ghetto "Sam" man
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| Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona |
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| By Mick Zano |
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Flagstaff, AZ—Deciding against heading to D.C. for my own rally, which is every blogger’s prerogative, I instead attended the Rally to Restore Sanity in my area. This was a difficult decision for me but, since Winslow wouldn’t let me into the rent-a-car, I opted to stay around town and…damn you Ghetto Shaman!
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| Are You Going to The Ghetto Shaman's D.C. Rally Saturday? |
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| Hell no. Too close to Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day! |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Ladies and gentlemen,
I recently received a dream message, wholly unforeseen and unexpected, to return to the National Mall in Washington without delay. This vision summons me to D.C. for the purpose of salvaging what’s left of our fair nation’s spirit. On October 30th, as I am free to leave the state now, I will partake in a complicated set of rituals for the purpose of soul retrieval. This is typically done by a shaman for an individual or, in rare instances, for a tribe. It has never, to my knowledge, been attempted on an entire country, especially one this fucked up. Make no mistake, the arduous journey I am about to embark upon is a dangerous one. The stakes could not be higher. I may become forever entangled in the darker realms of the Universe (like Newark) and, if I am unsuccessful, our beloved country may slide further into chaos (like, er...Newark).
If I am successful, my actions will push the world into the coveted Fifth Age of Man. Many of you thought this would not happen until 2012, but, as it turns out, the Mayans forgot to carry a one somewhere.
Stay tuned for event details.
Your faithful and humble servant,
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. As not to break my 2-year streak of answering your fool questions: yes, Jillian, I am into that. Call me.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dearest Ghetto Shaman,
My apologies, but I must disengage from our relationship. My Laurel is withering in the canyon from your lack of attention. Without your spiritual enrichment to fertilize my canyon, I must find satisfaction elsewhere. I am moving to Vegas, perhaps Bald Tony's Rhythmic Séance (BTRS) can bring forth the Genie in my bottle.
A regretful goodbye, your "little flower".
Laurel Canyon
Dear Laurel,
Hey, I may not be the sharpest shaman in the sweat lodge, but I think your email is a tad suggestive. Sorry, but that was all just pillow talk, baby. You still have an open invitation to hit my contact button any time.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Just not tonight, I’ll be masturbating to Christine O’Donnell ads
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| Is the Liberal Libido Warping Our Children? |
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| By L. Wolfe |
As I watch my kids grow, I am often amazed at some of the things we, as a society, choose to teach our youngsters. No, I’m not just talking about The Ghetto Shaman’s column, at least this time. But what are some of these children’s book authors smoking? This post is a must-read if you are a parent. Come on, people, has the Discord ever let you down before? That was a rhetorical question.
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| Fox News & the Tea Party: Sometimes There Isn’t Safety in Numbers |
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| By Mick Zano |
Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew. But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed. So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Were you raised a Catholic? Did you ever learn, as most of us did, that Moses parted the Red Sea, that God knocked down the walls of Jericho, that Jesus died for our sins and that he rose again on the third day?
Lucinda
Dear Lucinda,
Come out Lucinda, don’t hesitate, Cath-o-lic girls…well, catholic girls won’t let me masturbate. Damn you, Christine O’Donnell! What about Benjamin Wanklin and John Handcock? Have you forgotten our forefather’s vision? Why do you think they needed to invent glasses? Sorry, but I just don’t want any Bible-thumping Teabagger telling me I can’t luffa the old spigot now and again. As Ferguson tells us, "From my cold dead hand!" As for your question, I don’t think the stories of the Bible should be taken literally. They should be taken with a pillar of salt.
The Ghetto (‘scuse me while I whip this out) Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How do you balance your enlightened journey with your alcohol consumption? The two would seem to work against one another. As I have heard it said, what we love will eventually kill us.
Chuck
Milford, CT
Dear Chuck,
This is precisely why I keep my X-girlfriends chained in the basement. Well, one of the reasons. As for balancing alcohol with a spiritual discipline, you have hit upon the very crux of the matter! Read my book Living Gaia, Killing Liver and all will be distilled…I mean revealed. Really, I meant revealed.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How come you never mention meditation? I am beginning to question your wisdom.
L.L.
Draper, UT
Dear L.L.,
Only beginning to question? You should read my book Meditation Overdose: Driving Under the Zenfluence. Here is an excerpt:
"To meditate, grab your penis with your right hand if you are right handed, or your left hand if you are left handed, and then pull repeatedly. It helps to hone your visualization skills during this process. I like to envision monkeys throwing feces at one another, which I am told is decidedly Freudian. Some say that you’ll need glasses if you meditate too much, but don’t worry, this is a complete misboner. "
The Shucking Bubba Shaman
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| From My Cold Dead Amendments: Thomas Was Wrong to Invoke the 14th in Support of the 2nd Amendment |
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| By Rick Right Pernick |
Our 2nd Amendment rights remain in jeopardy. Former Congressman and 2008 Libertarian Candidate Bob Barr wrote in his publication The Barr Code, that Justice Thomas was the only Supreme Court Justice to issue an opinion rooted in constitutional law. Barr is wrong and can no longer do shots in my bar (pardon the gun).
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| Over 6,000 Daily Discord Emails Leaked to the Public |
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Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, admitted to the press today over 6,000 internal emails between Discord contributors were released to the public in a move many are calling "intentional."
Winslow is downplaying the impact of the incident, "The fact remains these documents don't reveal any issues that haven't already informed our public debate regarding the behavioral and psychological health of my staff."
The following are two examples of actual correspondence between Discord contributors:
From: the ghetto shaman
Sent: Thursday, April, 9, 2009 2:20AM
To: pwinslow12@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: I’m bringing the potato gun to the next party, bitches!
Winslow, buddy. don’t let the large number fool you. bail is always set at 10% of the fine. 10%! peanuts for a big man like you. oh, and I told you that putting all of your money in Shagg Technologies was a bad idea, bitch.
Ghetto Shaman
From: mick zano
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:19 PM
To: DDiscord@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Re: [The Discord] Re: I’m not usually like that on jagermeister, baby, honest
Captain’s Blog 5/8/08,
The Discord is off to a shaky start, folks. Winslow has spent untold thousands on drunken "business meetings" and the Crank’s video submissions are obscene, senseless, and costly. After watching his last video I feel dirty. Thankfully, we don’t have the bandwidth for videos yet. As far as increasing submissions, Dave Atsals is still in the final stages of his first sentence, which has the word doohickey in it (twice), spelled differently each time. Neither is the way i would spell doohickey, mind you, but that's what final editing is for, right? heh, heh. On a good note, Winslow has finished outsourcing the web design to a man named, Mr. Rufies, who promises to finish the project if we all meet him at the mall around closing time. Otherwise things are going quite smoothly (for us).
Mick Z.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I’m sure you’re familiar with the Hopi tale of the two wolves. Well, judging from reading your "advice," perhaps not. Here it is in a nutshell: An old Hopi Chief told his young grandson that all of us have two wolves inside of us, one good, and one bad. These two wolves are constantly locked in a fearsome fight to the death within us. Quizzically, the young Hopi looked up to his grandfather and asked " Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old Hopi Chief paused, "The one that you feed…" I think you’re feeding the wrong wolf, bitch.
A True Shaman
Dear True Shaman (whose subtleties do not escape me)
Isn’t Wolf Bitcher on CNN? Howling Wolf feeds my bluesy soul, dude. An old Hopi Chief once said to me, "There’s no drinking on the Rez, bitch. Go back into town for that shit."
A Truer Shaman
P.S. Oh, and at night I become a wolf…or at least on long weekends.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I heard an old Hopi saying, "We are the ones we have been waiting for." I thought that was really profound.
Mick Guernsey
Dear Mick,
I heard an old Hopi say, "The waiting is the hardest part," and "Don’t come around here no more, bitch." Wait, that was Tom Petty. Think he’s a Navajo.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Mad Dog 20/20: My Guardian Spirit and I really don’t think your Skank’s Healing Dungeon is going to help anyone. Also, Sarah Palin does not have a new Italian cookbook out called Going Ragu, and the sacred power of pyramids has nothing to do with Amway products. If you were wondering, that’s just the corrections from the Preface.
Susan R.
Dixon, CA
Dear Susan,
Sometimes it is necessary to make retractions. You see, enlightenment is not a stagnant thing. One can continue to grow and share in the splendor of this wondrous unfolding Universe, only through rigorous honesty. One must always be ready and willing to stand up and promptly admit one’s mistakes. I think you should do that now, bitch.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths? Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right? So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders? Stuff like this makes me crazy!
Jack P.
Lakewood, NJ
Dear Jack,
Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths. Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary. Do I have to teach you people everything? I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy. Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.
The Ghetto Tolkien
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| God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry |
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Intercourse, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, watched as the Supreme Diety burned his rural Pennsylvania home to the ground over Memorial Day weekend.
"It was horrible," said Winslow. "God can really make you feel helpless. Sure, you can flip him off and yell obscenities from your front lawn, but if that fucker wants to torch your house, he’s gonna do it."
Winslow believes that God tried to contact the Daily Discord several times last week, but his messages were ignored.
"Zano just doesn’t answer shit," said Winslow. "He’s like an idiot savant without the savant. We have good people contributing material and we never answer any of them. God himself even tried our contact button last week, but we rarely answer such things. Heck, there’s a porn star that keeps emailing the Ghetto Shaman and we didn’t even answer her last few questions. So, under those circumstances, what chance does God have for a response, really? On that note, what’s the difference between a porn star and God? I would get up early on Sunday for a porn star."
Winslow added, "I don’t even know why he’s sticking up for Muhammad. That prophet has issues. Somehow our article Jesus to be Brought before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case goes unnoticed, not to mention all of our recent Pope bashing and now the big guy goes and picks a fight?"
Winslow wants God to know that a Mr. Cohen will be pressing his contact button soon, bitch.
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| Praising Arizona |
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| By Rick Right Pernick |
Arizona Deserves Praise, not condemnation, for enforcement of immigration laws and border security. Since the implementation of Arizona’s immigration law there has been a great deal of discussion in the media, political circles, and individuals (including Mickless Zano). While an overwhelming percentage of legal citizens are praising the State for doing the fed’s job, the media and politicians are attacking the governor of Arizona with accusations of discrimination, civil rights violations, constitutional violations, and fashion violations. Did you see her on Fox last week? Geesh.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
In your book A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you referenced something called the Golden Age of Public Masturbatory Practices. Whaaa?
Jon M.
Rehoboth, MD
Dear Jon,
Ah yes, GAPMP. To fully understand this important aspect of my teachings, you would really have to join one of my weekly enlightenment jerkshops.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Dumb and Hummer |
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| By The Crank |
Here is a recent quote from Penn Jillette, the Vegas magician-slash-entertainer, on the demise of Hummer as a brand, "If any part of the Hummer going belly-up are those government rules we're putting in on miles per gallon, or us taking over of GM, then I'm not just sad, I'm also angry. Lack of freedom can be measured directly by lack of stupid. Freedom means freedom to be stupid. …You don't need any freedom to go with majority opinion. … We need to protect other people's stupid to save freedom for all of us."
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
In your book Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods, what did you mean by your quote, "in parts of the U.S. and Canada the Shaman was restored to the wild"???
P.S. I do not believe you can successfully use malt liquor products as a medium of spiritual transformation.
Fred
Willow Creek, CA
Dear Fred,
I was captured, tagged, and released in Pennsylvania state forest land, along with about twenty other Shamans in the spring of 2004. It was just another eco-liberal attempt to restore the Shaman to parts of North America, while pissing off as many republicans as possible. I chewed off my tag, so they can no longer track my migration.
P.S. I can transform with malt liquor products just fine! You should see me around last call at Carl’s Pub.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t and I tried to smoke the houseplants you suggested and i'm not sure you should be encouraging that sort of thing. Oh, and in Chapter 4, what exactly is a blue root boinger?
Donald8
Dear Donald,
What...? You didn't see the disclaimer? Good. You shouldn't read those things. As for your question, let’s just say, it’s a blue root and the Missus won’t complain for about 12 hours. Any longer than that, consult your physician immediately.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Are you Mayan? You look Mayan. Did you ever have festivals to honor the Feathered Serpent when you were a kid back in Maya?
Ben
Oshkosh, WI
Dear Ben,
I’m old, but not thousands of years old. Er…Maya? There was a Seven Deadly Sins Festival held each year in my hometown. Each day would honor one of the coveted deadly sins. The festival was actually only six days, though, because no one ever got around to organizing Sloth Day.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I’ll take The Lord of the Rings over The Holy Bible any day. I don’t think the Bible was ever meant to be taken literally.
Mary L.
Billings, Mt
P.S. Oh, and in your book The Tao of Skull Fucking, who are the Contraceptacons?
Hail Mary,
I agree, the Bible should be taken with a pillar of salt. You are very insightful. Mankind can learn much from both Tolkien and The Bible. For example, when you crucify a dwarf, they get a little cross.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. The Contraceptacons died out—most in horrific IUD explosions |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Are you available for speaking engagements? I am hosting an all-female adult movie star convention in Las Vegas in a few weeks and was wondering if you may be available.
Thanks!
Laurel Canyon
Dear Laurel,
Is this a trick question? Actually, I’m a busy man. I certainly can’t go to every all-female porn convention that I’m invited to…
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Send the details! Can I bring Zano, Atsals, and Bald Tony? They’re usually well behaved at such events. That didn’t sound convincing, did it? |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
What is a psychoactive herb?
Tina
Phoenix, AZ
Dear Tina,
I think it’s the guy I get my shrooms from…
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dude,
Should Obama cave to China and not visit with the Dalai Lama? After all, they are the Boss now, right?
Chuck G.
New York, NY
Dear Chuck,
The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.
The Dude is the Big Lebowski.
Osama lives in a cave, not Obama.
And only Nixon can go to China (and he's dead; ain't that a bitch?)
Hope this helps,
The Dalai Shaman |
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| The Daily Discord: Breaking Down News into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism |
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| By Mick Zano |
How can you people insist Obama hasn’t accomplished anything? He postponed a depression, he put a muzzle on Joe Biden—no easy trick—and he turned global warming into global cooling. Not bad for one year in office. Sure Obama is a bully, but he’s bending the rule of law for the powers of good. OK, I’m kidding. It’s just fun watching the patriotards squirm. Have a czar, you’re gonna go far...
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
During your last sweat lodge retreat Sex Sauna Sunday, you told the survivors that you never forget a face, because you have the memory of a hippopotamus. Didn’t you mean the memory of an elephant?
Stephanie
Mechanicsburg, PA
Dear Stephanie,
Whatever… But anyway, glad you made it, kid. You are a true warrior. Now don’t forget my workshop next Thursday: Discover Your Gifts and Abilities at the Expense of Others.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Economy Brightens! |
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| Only 1 in 7 Americans forced to eat their young |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am a member of the Gender Inequality Project, and I read your book The Universe Loves You More than You Know: Especially If You Pass Out at One of My Parties and my group is considering legal actions to stop you and your ‘so called’ teachings. I am also very curious as to the reason behind your popularity in the first place.
Karla
Soho, NY
Dear Karla,
I don’t mind inequality, just as long as it’s done fairly. You should come to one of my parties, Karla. In fact, bring over your whole lesbo crew! Tell those bitches to drink up and pass out in my Kamaslutra video room. Oh, and BYOB.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| It Might Not Happen Tomorrow: So Keep On Polluting |
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| By Mick Zano |
With Climategate emerging and Al Gore's 'world fever' breaking a bit, It could happen tomorrow might now be renamed It could happen next Tuesday around dinner time. Of course, this is a long title that could use some editing, but the four main points won't change on this topic: 1) there are earthly cycles that we don't fully understand, 2) man's impact on this phenomenally complex system is not fully understood, 3) pollution = bad, and 4) strange things certainly are afoot at the Circle K.
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| Cultural Facilitation for Dummies |
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| By Pokey McDooris |
Walking out the front door without a plan is my usual M.O. With no destination, I step into Limbo, walking on a whim. This method has lead to spontaneous creativity, synchronistic encounters, adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, jail time, and a liver the size of a Buick.
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| Ghetto Shaman Implicated in Sedona Death Lodge Incident |
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Sedona, AZ - The murder investigation of a sweat lodge ceremony responsible for the deaths of three people on October 8th is currently shifting focus. Self-help guru, James Arthur Ray, is now pointing to the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman as the designer of the faulty sweat lodge. The Ghetto Shaman, known for his cutting edge new age sex crimes, is believed to have sold Ray the Acme sweat lodge construction kit that directly led to the fiasco in Sedona.
The Ghetto Shaman is still at large but has sent a message to the media via the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow: "Could you send me money, dude? Need to lay low for a while. I’m on the lamb. I am humping the lamb right now. Oh, oh, oh, yeah….oh baby. Send money, bitch!"
Pierce Winslow has replied to his wayward employee: "Turn yourself in. Do the right thing."
But the post script is what has peeked the authorities’ curiosity. "P.S. – The check-ski is in the mail-ski. Oh, and your column-ski is now due-ski, bitch-ski."
Winslow stated he will fully cooperate with authorities in bringing the controversial Shaman to justice-ski.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How do I know when I’ve found the right teacher? There are so many fakes and charlatans out there. This is a big deal. Any suggestions?
Staci
West Bend, WI
Dear Staci,
Choosing the right teacher is one of the biggest decisions of your life! The right teacher traditionally strings half-eaten chicken wings around his neck and smells of alcohol. And remember, the first step in the journey to self-discovery begins with my latest philosophical treatise: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am a truth seeker like yourself, but the truth keeps eluding me. I always feel like I’m on the cusp of figuring something out, but invariably it slips away again. I only seem to catch glimpses of something bigger than myself. Any suggestions, medicine man?
Charlie
Ocala, FL
Dear Charlie,
I saw your enclosed picture Charlie and, er…I’m not sure there is anything bigger than yourself. But, as the sutras teach us, the truth is ungraspable. Unless you manage to sneak up on the truth, grab it around the waist, and slap it on the ass. Waving a cowboy hat over your head and making the truth say, “who’s your daddy” can also help. But otherwise the truth is ungraspable, is my point.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Other than your work, which I found to be nonsensical-tripe, what further reading do you recommend for a serious Shamanic wannabe?
Sincerely,
Ted
Scranton, PA
Dear Ted,
Please, you cannot ignore my entire body of work! I can assure you that my next book, Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods will not be so easily dismissed!
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Dude! The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin. You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise! I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.
Jake
Abilene, TX
Dear Jake,
Insane, mwaaah? What was your first clue, Sherlock? I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano. In fact, Zano owes me a six pack. Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox. Really, hurry up and tell him…
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits. I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I was unfortunate enough to have attended one of your ‘Sin-posiums’ over at Raystown the other night. During your longwinded infomercial on something called a Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs, you kept going on about the ‘foosball gestalt buggers’ as if everyone in the audience knew what the hell you were talking about, and, well, what the hell were you talking about?
Kurt Martins
Jersey Shore, PA
Dear Kurt,
I remember you. You were that dick, right? The foosball gestalt buggers, hmmmn. You’re going to have to be more specific. Do you remember how I used the term in context?
Sincerely,
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I heard you speak last Thursday at that symposium behind the 24 hour coin-op laundry place. I even took one of your pamphlets, Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everbody Feng Shui Tonight. And, well, here’s my question: are masters and shaman reincarnated time and time again, like the bodhisattvas, or is it a one shot deal? Your lecture was almost contradictory on this point and then, after you threw up, you were kind of hard to understand.
Roland Parker
Newberry, PA
Dear Roland,
With me it’s never a one shot deal (just ask Pokey or Zano). Look, the vomit is part of my communion after the great spirits. You’ve heard of speaking in tongues? I call it speaking in chunks. As for your question, indeed, a master can manifest into many bodies over many life times. For example, last weekend I managed to manifest myself into three separate bodies. Though, the last one I must admit was a tad on the ‘happy Buddha’ side, if you follow.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I must admit to being a New Age newbie. What the heck is Chi? And what exactly is a super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation? I hear these crazy things bandied about in the course of my studies, but I must admit to being completely lost sometimes.
Bobby Tonelli
Kennebunkport, ME
Dear Bobby,
(or may I call you Bobert?)
You must harness your Chi. You must cultivate your Chi. At the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss, Chi is the key, you see! You must make the Chi your pet, a Chia Pet, if you will. As for the super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation, I use prune juice, a warrior’s drink.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Why I am Staying in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat Bugs |
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| By Mick Zano |
Don’t panic! The noise you are hearing in the background is simply the sound of our social institutions collapsing outright. Newsflash: America is going to change and change in a big way. Our politics, our media, our language, our culture are all slipping into a deep dark crevasse (luckily, plenty are now forming on our glaciers to accommodate). Our money is becoming meaningless, and we have discovered the root of all suffering, besides Oprah. Another stimulus package? Are you kidding me? How many times are they going to hit the economy with those shock paddles before it’s time to shut off the defibrillator? But, that’s the bad news. As promised, here is some good news...
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| Ask the Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often. My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.
Wayne LeRoy
Garfield, NJ
Dear Wayne,
Good riddance to the bitch. See? You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken. Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything! Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| DAVID CARRADINE DIES IN HANGKOK, THAIHAND |
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Intercourse, PA - Our own Ghetto Shaman is contesting allegations that David Carradine, the former television and movie star, hung himself in an autoerotic- asphyxiation session gone bad.
“He just wasn’t like that,” explains the Shaman. “Sure he made me wear a clown costume and called me his ‘young grasshopper,’ but otherwise he was a missionary-only man.”
The Ghetto Shaman sends his condolences to the Carradine family and is wondering if he might get his Blood on the Tracks Dylan CD back, “if it’s not too much trouble.”
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| The Daily Discord: 2009 An Editing Odyssey |
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| By Dave Atsals |
One contributor asked about the Discord’s submission and editing process, and no it wasn’t Pokey McDorkis. He still doesn’t have internet access, or a clue. L. Wolfe asked me, why hasn’t my article (sent to Mick Zano six months ago) been posted yet? I explained to Mr. Wolfe, in true Discord fashion, the way an article makes it all the way from host to post. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I just read your book entitled Open Your Body, Mind, and Wallet and let me say this, sir: spirit guides are not pubcrawl organizers, there is no such thing as a double-vision quest, and soul extractions have nothing to do with removing one’s shoe from another person’s ass. You are a drunk and a charlatan, sir!
Jay Compiretti
Haymarket, VA
Dear Jay,
Go back and read the chapter on ‘open your mind’ again. I think somebody skipped that part. What we attack in others are really characteristics we do not like about our selves. Remember the old saying…I am rubber, you’re a dick.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I heard through the grapevine you were in a fire of some sort? Are you OK?
Stanley Milton
Harrisburg, PA
Dear Stanley,
No big deal. I made a slight alchemical miscalculation and my crystal yoga lab exploded. Luckily, I was wearing my girlfriend at the time.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
With society collapsing, and all, some believe this is an ideal time to embrace the dharma. All this fear is only increasing my beer consumption. You seemed to have reconciled fear and beer. What’s your secret?
Tim Ferrence
Dear Tim,
To transcend the Wheel of Samsara, you must embrace many Zen-like contradictions and still make it back for happy hour. Read my latest work: Turn to Face the Great Mystery without Pissing on Your Shoes. Read this a hundred times, if necessary. Not the same book, mind you. Purchase a hundred copies. Each of my books should only be read once, but many readings are necessary to both transcend this world and to help me fend off the rent spirits. I have explained to my landlady that I follow the Mayan calendar, so my rent should not be due until the Feathered Serpent ascends the great pyramid. This argument has thus far failed to have the desired effect.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I don’t understand the Chakra system. Wasn’t Chakra just that monkey boy from the Land of the Lost? Or is there more to it?
Sammy Vimes
Seattle, WA
Dear Sammy,
Yes and No.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
You are obviously a gifted writer, but what was your first book ever? I want to hear more about your early period. You know, when you were a struggling artist trying to find yourself. What was the motivation behind your urge to become a shaman?
Lance Parker
Troy, NY
Dear Lance,
My interest in healing came from a divine hormonal calling, which began with a vision of that chick from Weird Science in a Catwoman costume. My first book captures the true essence of my desire for self-mastery: What is Enlightenment and Will It Get Me Laid?
Sincerely,
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
This may be a hard question, but could you come up with one quote that captures the essence of your teachings? I am really seeking some ‘meaning of life’ stuff and have admired and respected your work for a long time.
Sincerely,
Jackson Stoltz
Bakersfield, CA
Dear Jackson,
Clearly the most moving statement comes near the end of my work entitled The Spiritual Art of Skull Fucking wherein I tell the feathered serpent: “You haven’t lived until you have performed Der Ring des Nibelungen naked.”
I hope this helps…
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Putting the Mental Back in Fundamentalism |
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| By Mick Zano |
 Your assessment of fundamentalism is as flawed as your pal the ghetto shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise (never again, by the way). You insist that there are elements of traditionalism that are fundamental to our continued evolvement as a species. Whereas this is inherently true, few, if any of these societal guidelines needs be legislated by our marred and battered legal system. What our laws need to focus on in the twenty-first century is mutual respect and mutual respect alone…you know, Ron Paul country. If the spirit of mutual respect can be infused through our laws and our legal system (sorry, that’s too funny) then and only then will we retain this foundation of which you speak. By respecting each stage and each level, and by allowing each individual to remain precisely where they are in the spectrum, is all that is necessary. All the way from our Crank Manifesto’s orange/blue rants to our Ghetto Shaman’s…ahh, you know, I can’t actually figure that guy out. By the way, the Ghetto Shaman has moved to Florida and is sending us his ‘column’ each week on badly stained bar coasters.
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am seeking to expand my current level of consciousness through meditative disciplines, and I just came upon your work entitled A Map to Ecstasy. I don’t understand--it is page after page of street maps with an X-marks-the-spot-kind of thing in the middle. What is the significance?
Josh Compton
Hagerstown, MD
Dear Josh,
This isn’t a goddamn riddle, homeboy. If you want ecstasy, go to the X (with cash). Tell em’ all I sent you for a possible discount, or a possible bullet. The footnotes explain when to mention my name and when to wear body armor. It couldn’t be clearer, putz.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I saw the words Iboga and Cannabis Society scrawled on the restroom door at the Genetti Hotel the other day. Are you behind this association? If so, what is this movement all about?
David Counsel
Muncy, PA
Dear David,
First off, I do not scrawl things on bathroom stalls! I make my girlfriend do it. Second, the Cannabis and Iboga Society is, well, the best way to put it…er, it’s a grass-roots organization (literally). For more information, see my mission statement in its entirety in the second stall of the women’s restroom (under the phrase Bibbs is a troll lover).
The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Most Shamans refer to their spiritual tutelage. You, on the other hand, are infinitely vague about your shamanic schooling and sordid past.
Sincerely,
Bob Frantzen
Albany, NY
Dear Bob,
Fine. I was first introduced to the plant intelligence under the guidance of my master, one Chief Bum-a-smoke Shitstorm, of the Kennedy-King Projects over in Newberry. I was initiated on Ibogaine substitute (possibly nutmeg) and ayahuasca substitute (possibly skunked malt-liquor). The plant spirits told me to quit my job, live on the streets, and teach my people. Thankfully, I was one step ahead of them…already fired, homeless, and quite verbose.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
My ayahuasca connection is currently a prisoner of the Rehab Gods. Since you are known for your alternative and more affordable tripping techniques, do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Smokin’ Joe
Dear Smokin’ Joe,
Try Nutmeg, Robitusin DM, and Mad Dog 20/20 (preferably banana red). Remember to focus all of your energies on the Dharma and the Greg. Ah, and don’t forget—911 for all emergencies.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Where the HELL is your material? I am so done with you and your New Age timeliness, deadlines be damned, Zen do-nothingness!
Pierce Winslow, CEO
Dear Mr. Winslow,
My material ended the day I stopped recieving the Round the World in Forty 40s. Remember you signed me up for that monthly malty magic? Well, I stopped getting the shipments. I shotgunned my last case of Schlitz High Gravity last weekend and then I never got my batch of Crazy Stallion. It's as easy to get things right, boss man.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I'll always take Mad Dog 20/20 in a pinch. |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
BWTF? How come you don't post an update every Friday morning? Your boss is always making excuses for you. I think he's enabling your continued poor behaviors. Is this truly the way?
Yikes
Dear Yikes,
The Ghetto Shaman will not be posting this week, through no fault of his own, as the Shaman is often in a transcendal state (passed out). Besides, he answers nearly a question a week, a feverish pace. Also, once intoxicated, not only does he make contact with those higher realms, he also attracts those higher authorities, namely the police. I assure you he is very dedicated to the Daily Discord and remains one of our most consistent contributors (at least comparatively). He will be back to answer your questions next week...ish. You can't rush a Zen monk, nor can you rush a drunken monkey like the Ghetto Zenman.
CEO Pierce Winslow |
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| The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day |
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| By Alex Bone |
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In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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The following is a public service announcement:
The Ghetto Shaman column has been cancelled this week due to unforeseen circumstances involving the police, Mad Dog 20/20, and some high grade nutmeg. The Shaman would still like to plug his latest books: Channel Your Aggression into Fast Cash! and the critically exclaimed The Shaman’s Gift and other STDs.
Stay tuned next week for the triumphant return of the Ghetto Shaman…or not.
Pierce Xavier Winslow |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
The Mayans were truly amazing people, but what is cosmogenesis and the galactic code?
Joan Drummond
Albany, NY
Dear Joan,
Cosmowhowhatsas? The Battlestar Galacticode is on Friday nights on the Sci-Fi Channel. I believe it’s about Cylons, not Mayans.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
My wife just left me for another man; I hate my boss and my landlord. Everything sucks. I could use some of your wise counsel.
Will-EEE
Dear Will-EEE,
Why do you shirk from these things? Why do you avoid them? Misfortune can catapult us to spiritual awareness. You need to reread my book Turn that Frown Upside Tao: Embracing Life's Suckage.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. If it's any consolation, I plan to just use and abuse your wife and then dump her ass.
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| The Ghetto Shaman's 'Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise' has been Indefinitely Suspended |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
After nearly 30 years, of living a clean and sober life, I'm contemplating getting back into weed. With the failure of the economy, losing my home and my family, it sounds like a good thing to do, as I am allergic to alcohol. However, back in the 70s, Thai Stik is what I used to do. Is that still available, and at what price? If not, what would be a good replacement?
Looosah
Michigan
Dear Loosah,
Thai Stik? Thai Stik is only about three bucks and is available anywhere, even convenient stores. It's very good at removing stains. I believe I’ve used that joke before. Look, Loosah, you should get a second opinion on the alcohol. Allergic? Try rice beer. There’s also gluten free beer, so you can enjoy a taste on par with Schlitz for only ten dollars a pint. Oh, and with hydroponics you will find pot much more potent than the old days, depending on your source, of course. But before you do anything to jeopardize 30 years of sobriety, call your sponsor—as long as your sponsor isn’t Budweiser.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I just had this awesome thing happen! I’ve heard it called Mysterium Tremendum by the mystics of old. It’s that ineffable feeling when faced with the awe inspiring compassion of God. It’s like a Zen sandwich, when you are one with Universe wrapped in the sweet bliss of ever present awareness. I knew you of all people would understand.
Hastings
Dear Hastings,
I think you mean Delirium Tremens, which is what I get when I’m coming down from too much alcohol, or as I call it, the Unholy Spirits. It’s not really fun and the seizures can actually kill. I do get visions but rarely would I describe them as Godlike, unless you mean those bugs that you keep incessantly gouging at your own skin to kill. I think that’s what you mean. I recommend tapering off the booze with appropriate amounts of benzodiazepines and then switching to pot for a while.
Hope this helps
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Greetings!
Sorry, loyal fans. I was not in jail last week, as Mr. Winslow keeps insinuating, actually I’ve been very industrious lately. I am starting a chain of fast food restaurants called Just Potato Salad! I’m thinking of renaming it Just Potato Salad, Bitches, but I kind of lose some oomph without that exclamation point. Does anyone have an opinion? So far business is slow. Should I consider adding another type of potato salad to my menu? Maybe one with mustard and mayo? I don’t want to get too crazy off the get-go; there’s a lot of overhead associated with a business that involves buckets filled with potatoes and mayonnaise…more than you probably realize.
Somewhat respectfully submitted,
The Ghetto Spudman
P.S. Stands for Potato Salad! ...Bitches!
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| Entitled Occupiers, Sociopaths, and those "Free Market" Slaves |
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| By Mick Zano |
Most Americans fit into one of the three categories above, all nice and tidy like, which I will ridicule each of you for soon enough. First, how do we galvanize this Occupy Movement into something meaningful and lasting, like the second season of Jersey Shore?
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Is Cokie McGrath single?
Dave Atsals
Discord Contributor
Dear Dave,
She’s a coworker, Dave! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Cokie is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes her do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible. I am soooo deleting that video he sent me….Tomorrow. Really, tomorrow.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Kidding, she likes chicks. I am soooo deleting that video she sent me. Tomorrow, really.
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you have any clue how our elders passed down the knowledge, myth, and the very essence of each and every important culture throughout Mother Earth’s dynamic history. You have missed some important lessons, Shaman.
Shonto
Dear Shonto,
Nonsense, I have simply given new meaning to the words ‘long oral tradition.’
The Ghetto Cialis
P.S. And is that a totem in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Did you hear? Archeologists have discovered ancient sperm in the eye sockets of some Brazilian crystal skulls. Is this further proof of your Tao of Skull Fucking? Or are the natives just gnawing on too many roots?
Okie4
Dear Okie4,
A rare person who understands my work! You speak of the Legend of Crystal Skull Humpers. I think my next book Indiana Jonesing and the Temple of Spooge will vindicate my theory, or put me back in jail. I’m sure it’s one of the two.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I saw you got ejected from Kimball’s bar again last week. Nice.
Detritus
Williamsport, PA
Dear Detritus,
What you call an ejection, I call a spiritual retreat. You are supposed to ask a question, thus the name of my column, so I will take this opportunity to ask you a question:
Why are you so focused on the actions of others, my friend? Or were you the one I set on fire during my Bacchanalian Medical Marijuana seminar?
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am researching out-of-body experiences and came across something called the Akashic Record. What exactly is the Akashic Record?
Sierra Swanson
Framingham, MA
Dear Sierra,
I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s available in compact disc by now.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I consider myself spiritual, but not particularly religious. As a gay man I am troubled with some recent so-called Christian thought. Have you heard about gay conversion? I think it’s bullshit. People who convert are either repressing shit or were bisexual in the first place. How would a shaman address issues for the LGBTQ community?
Rick
Dear Rick,
Social taboos are of little interest to the shaman, which may help explain my police record. Following one’s true self, whether L or G or B or T or…sorry, I’m lost. But, if we follow our true self, we begin to vibrate at a higher frequency than those who repress and judge. So eventually it won’t matter to you what the bigots of the world think. On a related note, the sages of old remind us, "We become who we worship." Yet despite hormone therapy and near constant prayer, I still look nothing like Jessica Alba.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Clemency for Clemens? Why Lying to a Politician Should Not Only Be Legal But Encouraged |
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| By Mick Zano |
Let me get this straight, Roger Clemens was doping, but his only actual charge was lying under oath to Congress. Umm, lying to Congress? Isn’t that kind of like using magic against Voldemort? I mean, Congress lies constantly. This is the only language they understand. If his deceit is proven in a court of law, maybe Clemens should be forced to represent Texas in the House of Representatives for a two-year term. Call it perjury duty.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Have you ever read the book Living Beyond Fear?
Bob
Dear Bob,
Yes, it scared the shit out of me.
The Ghetto Shaman
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
OK, I almost buy this overcoming fear with beer stuff, but can you explain any of this shit without trying to sell me a book? Oh, and who are the Zen Carnes?
Oceal
Dear Oceal,
Of course I can explain it without trying to sell you a book. Consider one of my new audio CDs, Change Your Thinking through Drinking. And, if you act right now, I’ll make mine a double.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. I was raised by Zen Carnes, but I don’t like to talk about it.
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Not sure you are contributing to society. It seems you behave poorly after you’ve been beer drinking and hell-raising. Maybe you need to switch to wine, or maybe you need professional help.
Sincerely,
Carman
Dear Carman,
Note sure what your question is, but I will address what I can:
A. Sure I contribute to society, just not in a positive way.
B. Wine is for people who haven’t developed a palate for beer.
C. Yes, I do behave poorly when drinking, which may explain my nickmame, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heineken.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work |
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| By Mick Zano |
I hate economics. If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are... The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway. I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I saw you took a header into the gravel outside of Kimball’s last night. I don’t see how what you are doing can be called spiritual in any way, shape, or form. I think you even shit yourself!
Dave P.
Turbotville, PA
Dear Dave,
What you call "taking a header" I call a Divine Earth Kiss, besides it couldn’t have been me. I am banned from Kimball’s. Either way, it would be in your best interest to read my latest work The Tao of Incontinence.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Could you talk to Eric about getting me back in there? If they’d let me in I wouldn’t shit myself, now would I?
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| Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors |
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010. After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.
"The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance," stated CEO Pierce Winslow.
Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman. The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has "since been fired," added Winslow.
"We are happy to have won the foam finger," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing jerks for the last two years."
The Crank told reporters, "I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!" Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences.
"This is an amazing accomplishment," said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony. "I am just surprised this is the first year we won."
Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.
"It’s about going to Tahoe," added Tony. "I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?"
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| Discord Apology XXXV: The Fast and the Edit-less |
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Philadelphia, PA—It’s retraction time again, folks. We continue to make a whole host of mistakes here at the Discord—mistakes that not only damage our credibility, but continue to inflict consequences on any number of individuals across the globe.
If you notice in the above picture, looters made off with the Pyramid of Chephren, not—as we stated in our initial post—the Great Pyramid of Giza. So, apparently, someone made off with the not-so-great Pyramid of Giza…which is still pretty damn serious! The B.A.C of our PhotoShoppers was also pretty damn serious and may have contributed to the error.
As for our moronic marquee moment, U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICA, we simply forgot the rest of that sentence. It was supposed to read: U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICANS FROM JAPAN. Sometimes part of the sentence slips down behind the banner, or something. We understand why that caused a bit of panic, heh, heh, and for that we are truly sorry.
We also learned that if a horrific earthquake/tsunami hits Japan, we should wait a good 72 hours before posting a Godzilla joke. Live and learn.
Finally, the Ghetto Shaman would also like to apologize for his crude, drunken Facebook posts last weekend. Or, as he puts it, "Shit happens, bitches."
We are listening to your feedback, but, please keep in mind, we’re idiots. Most of our teachers told us long ago that we would never amount to anything. And now, as adults, our Probation Officers would like to second that motion.
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| Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie |
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| By Mick Zano |
The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Yo, yo!
You guize iz da bomb! I tried to pik up Ur chit at Tahriri dude an' mist it. lemme juz say Ghetto Shaman iz rite down wit da Arab yut! Watch dem authoritarian regimes over next cuple weeks an see um skwirm, big man!
Taken' it to da street man, howz dem fine Discord honies mon! Bring em on in Tehran, mon, we gonna get da middle east straight yo all don no what mon!
Lil' chick'n ‘Strutn hiz stuf’
Arab Nation.org
Dear Lil’ chick’n,
What is an "Arab yut"? I’m having a My Cousin Vinny flashback.
Sorry you missed my tour. For being such a huge fan, I am sending you a signed copy of The Tao of Skull Fucking.
But what’s your question? Even the one ‘sentence’ of yours that borders on a question "howz dem fine Discord honies mon!" doesn’t end in a question mark. This piece is called Ask the Ghetto Shaman, dude.
When you get my book, I want you to study Chapter 7: Exploring altered states of being and higher levels of consciousness with hookers. There will be a test.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
What is the deal with the movie 127 Hours? It felt like it took that long to end. It could have been summed up as drank my own pee and gnawed off my own arm. Besides, wouldn’t drinking your own pee only make you more dehydrated?
James
Irwin, PA
Dear James,
That is not what concerns me. When one drinks his or her own pee a sacrifice to Yig is required to liberate the soul and ascend to the spirit world. Perhaps even more disturbing, you should only gnaw of your own arm when you wake up draped over a female of the Coyote Ugly variety.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. As many enlightened beings are aware, when one has carnal encounters with someone truly hideous, reaching Double Coyote status, it is customary to gnaw off your second arm so that it never happens again.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Dude? Malt liquor products? What up wit dat?
Jason M.
Henderson, NV
Dear Jason,
I do suffer from a serious alement, a strange affinity to shitty beer that shamans refer to as Fecal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Wake Up & End all Suffering. And, uhh, there’s a pistol on the cover? Talk about a mixed message. You sicko! I don’t know what to say!
Ebb
Nashua, NH
Dear Ebb,
Sicko was actually by Michael Moore, a shaman in his own right. And I believe the words you seek, but cannot utter, are "thank you". Obviously, you speak for a loved one who found eternal peace from my work. Otherwise you’re a pretty lousy shot.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Did you know that, statistically, for every successful suicide attempt, there can be over a hundred failed attempts? That number is too high, thus the inspiration for my book.
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| The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There |
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| By Mick Zano |
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After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS. Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture. It stared right at me, nay, right through me. Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played. When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, "I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave." Machines always call me Dave. I don’t know what that’s all about.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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This week I have a very important business proposal to share with you. If you attend one of my workshops or buy just one of my famous books, you will be offered the opportunity to purchase some Bellagio casino chips for a fraction of their original value. So, if you purchase such timeless classics as Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods or A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you can also "acquire" some extra gambling funds for your next trek to Vegas. This is a limited time offer—in fact, I need to dump this shit real quick. So hit our contact button for more information.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. No Billy666, you should never try that with a melon.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I think you embrace all that’s wrong with the world today, Shaman. You glorify the seedier side of life, filled with drugs and thugs, a place where crap is king.
Mindset
Dear Mindset,
All of life is spirit, not just the peaches and cream. The warrior’s path leads beyond good and evil to happy hour. Where you see a Wild Turkey, I see a Crown Royal, where you see a stripper, I see the Sacred Dance of the Pagan Pookas, and where you see the world going to pot…er, I like pot.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Oh, and where you see a bloated Shaman leaving a Mexican restaurant, I see the Dance of the Four Winds.
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| In Defense of Our 44th President |
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| By Mick Zano |
Now that everyone is piling on Obama like a Cambodian stampede, it’s time to come to the aid of my old pal, Mr. Mediocre. Currently, Bush’s approval rating is 44% and Obama’s is 39%. Huh? Granted, Obama’s struggling, but Bush’s approval rating should only be calculable using quantum fractals, pygmy fractions, or perhaps some other non-Euclidian geometry only found down in Whoville on Psilocybin Wednesdays. Speaking of which, Shaman man…what are ya doing Wednesday?
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| Discord Derides Daily Show for Rally Folly |
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is pursuing legal action against The Daily Show for hosting a rally on the same day, same time, and at the same place with similarly designed rally posters.
"Our D.C. rally got no publicity!" said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "The Ghetto Shaman’s speech and subsequent arrest were simply a footnote, a distraction, a freak show!"
To add insult to perjury, Stewart is denying any wrongdoing and told Rachel Maddow in a recent interview, "There’s no real honor in satire."
Winslow feels this is an obvious slight directed at the Discord.
"Excuse me?" said Winslow. "Haven’t you read our coverage on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day? We changed journalism to something wholly other that day…like gournalism. And, as for your other comments during that interview, we are a fake fake News organization, which is completely different."
Here is a Pierce Winslow excerpt from the actual lawsuit letter:
"I believe The Daily Discord is the victim of illegal and discriminatory rally practices. I have fully investigated my rights in this matter—and by ‘I’, I mean I have people for that, and by ‘fully investigated’, I mean I have conducted several non-porn related Google searches (NPRGS)."
Find the entire letter here.
"Bottom line, we spared no expense on those rally banners," added Winslow, "…well, some expense on Zano’s, obviously."
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| Dark Rider Sightings Shock Shirefolk |
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Bag End, HBT—A number of men in black were seen riding through Bree and parts of the Shire late last night. Eyewitnesses claim they were searching for a hobbit known as Bilbo Baggins. Locals report, Baggins has remained a recluse ever since the Harvard Lampoon referred to him as Dildo Bugger in a popular spoof. Some believe the riders were searching for a piece of jewelry, or perhaps other things to pawn.
A local wizard named Gandalf the Grey told reporters, "A shadow moves in the east, there are whispers of a nameless fear, and the Green Dragon has a steep cover charge tonight."
Gandalf later expounded upon his earlier statements, "The fires of Mount Doom are ablaze, there are worse things than goblins in the darker places of the world, and there are, indeed, strange things afoot at the Circle-K."
Here to make sense of that, and more, is our own Mad Dog mystic, the Ghetto Shaman, "Dildo Bugger, heh, heh. That’s fucking great!"
In other local news, farmer Maggot is reporting crops have been taken from his field again. He is blaming the dark riders for the mischief. Roseypalm Glandheaver of Bugger-downs has reported her dog missing. The faithful companion was last seen pissing on an Ent.
"I can’t imagine what could have happened to him," said Glandheaver.
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| SUCCESS! |
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Washington, DC—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath is live today from the National Mall, where an estimated "shit load" of people are arriving for the Ghetto Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul. "There is mass confusion here, however, as other events seem to be occurring simultaneously," said McGrath. "There are other posters circulating, similar in design to the Shaman’s. Not sure if this is splinter group, or a tribute, or something more sinister."
In an effort to save America, the Shaman planned to enter an alternate dimension by ingesting six Ziploc bags of ground nutmeg and six flasks of Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20. McGrath had a chance to talk to the Shaman before his departure from this realm.
The Shaman reportedly said, "Wooh hoooh, bitches!" before stumbling down the steps outside of the Lincoln Memorial into the hands of security personnel.
Some theorize the Ghetto Shaman was doused in baby oil to lessen the friction between dimensions, whereas others believe he is just a sick bastard. Did his altered state of consciousness allow him to complete his task? Is our country’s soul safely back in one piece? We may never know the truth, or at least not until Winslow makes his bail again.
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| The Ghetto Shaman: Soul Retriever or Foul Deceiver? |
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Philadelphia, PA—The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman met with CEO, Pierce Winslow, to discuss plans for his Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul. On October 30th, at the National Mall, the Shaman is planning to ingest enough ground nutmeg and Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20 to "down a rhino." He then intends to depart this dimensional plane of existence for a darker realm, possibly Newark, in hopes of finding an ever-important shard of our country’s soul. Upon his return, he will restore our nation’s greatness and claim some fair bystander as his rightful queen (in no particularly order). He then plans to do things he would rather not talk about with ‘said’ queen.
Pierce Winslow is in full support of the event, "This is going to be huge! We’re talking ‘my balls’ huge! If anyone wants to be bused to The National Mall on October 30th, simply meet us at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philly."
The Discord’s CEO suggests hitting the site’s contact button for more details. Insiders claim Winslow has already rented a mid-sized sedan, possibly an Impala, from Avis rent-a-car for the big day.
"That’s just the beginning. I am prepared to upgrade to a full-size sedan if demand warrants," said Winslow. "Avis has some good deals right now, especially for AAA members."
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| Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered |
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| By Mick Zano |
The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism. The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible.
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| Against My Doctor and My Lawyers Advice, I Have Taken Glenn Beck's 40/40 Challenge |
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What about Beck? Glenn Beck is an enigma to me, much like algebra. He extrapolates to the point of absurdity; yet, there’s something to be said for this pseudo-intellectual Mr. Magoo from hell. Beck must regularly trip on substances even the Ghetto Shaman can’t get his grubby little hands on, but I’m still not ready to dismiss everything he says.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Help! I turn on one show, like Glenn Beck, and Obama's a plant and we're all doomed. I turn on another channel and everything's getting better. I turn on still another channel and someone's eating bugs! I don't understand the world anymore!
Mark
Seattle, WA
Dear Mark,
Nonsense, you have already identified the problem and the solution. Problem: when one side is in charge they will always say everything is peachy and, when they fall out of power, they will immediately revert to we are all doomed. You have also identified the solution, eat bugs. They are an excellent source of protein. Sadly, this is the only valid point Zano has ever made.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. And as for Glenn Beck, don't worry, he'll be fired from Fox within the first week of the Romney Administration
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Do you have any speaking engagements coming up? You rock!
Gwenn
Oswego, NY
Dear Gwenn,
I do have a retreat this weekend in the woods by the 7-11. Develop compassion for your whole self in my Baby Oil Purification Lodge. Read selected excerpts from my books Inner Paths to Pussy and The Tao of Skullfucking by Bic-light. Spend your days taking life-altering spiritual hikes, while I hit the bars. Learn the art of psycho-spiritual sexting, or why not attend one of my Hide the Sacred Sausage workshops? But don’t take my word for it. Here’s an actual testimonial:
It’s amazing what he does and stuff.
—Iam Boink’n’dababeage4cashbitches
See? What are you waiting for? Don’t let the extreme cost or your own intuition stop you from something you’ll never forget!
The Ghetto (well, not without therapy) Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I thought your essay on Love, Spirituality, and Spooge was revolting. Can’t you find something better to do with your free time than demean women? You give New Age a bad name!
Gale P.
Houston, TX
Dear Gale,
Free time? I’ll have you know I’m inappropriate to women in the workplace too. Well, if I were gainfully employed, that is. But, ahhh, maybe you should give my latest book a miss, Inner Paths to Pussy. Just saying.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| The Event Verizon: How the Military Industrial Complex Tried to Kill The Daily Discord |
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| By Pierce Winslow |
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I awoke earlier than any human should, scraped my scurvy ass out of bed, cleaned the pool, showered, and bulldozed through 45 minutes of Philly’s best combat traffic (in my universe Route 476+276+202=666). Then, right after resituating myself in my vexatious chair, my personal annoyance device (PAD) vibrates right next to my nads at 7:30 AM.
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| I’m Working with Dingbats! More Discord Editors Fired |
Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord editing crew continues to be derailed by Microsoft Word 2007. Actually, they’re derailed by any number of things—an extreme lack of competence comes to mind. Fools! Please send all submission in 1997-2003 format, under pain of death. When the last document from Dave Atsals arrived, but would not open properly, this is what they did (see below). They actually edited the dingbats! Bad enough they have to edit the contributors, who are arguably dingbats. If anyone is looking for an editing job at the Discord, if you can successfully hit the Contact Us button, you’re hired.
Oh, and on a side note, if you want to email the Ghetto Shaman, don’t call him names. It’s actually his job to call you names, "bitches!" That’s a quote, people. As a business man, I would never call any of you bitches. Also, on all submissions please at least include your first name, last initial, and town/state. 16 cent and Flav7 just isn’t cutting it. The Shaman expects, neigh, the Shaman demands some context so he can go do that voodoo that he does so well, bitches. Ooops. That was mine, but it just slipped out. Honest.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
In your response to Mauled Forearms, you noted that enlightenment is not a finite endpoint. This intrigues me greatly, as I never fully realized this before your explanation. First, thank you! You truly do speak with great insight. Second, tell me more about this sliding scale of enlightenment. Please give me examples of people and where they fall along this sliding enlightenment scale. For instance: Ghandi, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, and Boy George.
Thank you so much!
16 cent
Dear 16 cent,
Wow, you’re going to make me work this week. I got a 40 oz malt liquor product that isn’t getting any colder, bitch. Ken Wilber’s multiple intelligences might help here, like cognitive, moral, emotional, spiritual, etc. Some people can be high in some areas and low in others. Mother Teresa was sadly mired in fundamental thought, which ultimately impacted her moral judgment. True story. Even Ghandi had an ethnocentric streak in his skinny ass—although, he was admittedly high in most other areas (hash, baby!). Look at our own CEO, Pierce (never-posted-my-fucking-bail) Winslow: his cognitive and, maybe even, his interpersonal scores are very high, but morals? spirituality? The guy’s on par with a Bond villain. But Wilber is for beginners. For a real advanced course in the evolution of consciousness, I’ve reposted the pic below for your enjoyment.
| Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness? |
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The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say "Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don't like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don't dare let it go." I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?
Mauled Forearms,
Onandaga, NY
Dear Mauled Forearms,
Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish. I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point. It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori. Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?
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| A Big Thank You to N/A and Other Inane Website Statistics |
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Philadelphia, PA—As CEO of the Daily Discord, I usually do an apology for the horrible things our bad journalism typically unleashes on our fair communities. Instead, I would rather thank the country of N/A for consistently being first or second on our geographic visitor listing. Also of interest, we had 953 page views from the Netherlands yesterday, which even beat the country of N/A. But, alas, it turned out to be just one guy from Copenhagen with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. We also got one hit last week from the key search word "bestiality" (no shit), which is really a milestone for us here at the Discord, although we’re not exactly sure why. Regardless, welcome to the fold, sick fuck!
We would also like a big shout out to our seven friends in Iran, who are watching the goings on of our little website a little too closely. Heh, heh. That was nervous laughter, if you were wondering. If you actually are tuning in from Iran (somehow) and are in no way affiliated with the tyrannical regime in power, might we suggest asking a question of our Ghetto Shaman. He will, of course, set right to work ignoring it. Your chance of being beheaded is, like, what for such an affront to Allah? Really, what is it? Inquiring minds want to know. Maybe that could be your question to the Ghetto Shaman. Just do it! When has he ever steered our readers wrong?
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Why do you call all of your fans, bitches? It doesn’t sound like the best way to build a readership to me.
Tommy G.
Montauk, NY
Dear Tommy,
The word bitches is simply a term of endearment, asshole.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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I attended your enlightenment workshops recently, Be Happy, Mother Fuckers, and I am still in therapy. Who gave you a license to shaman, anyway?
Heidi O.
Selinsgrove, PA
Dear Heidi-Heidi Oh,
Awesome! Well, I don’t have "credentials," per se, but I do have my second series of workshops coming up, Stay Happy, Bitches. And, if you attended the first round, you may be eligible for a 10% discount (but there’s only 5% chance of that).
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Therapy, eh? Not only are you closer to enlightenment, Heidi, you’re creating jobs. In this economy, I call that win-win.
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| Ann Coulter Sued by Opportunistic Leftist Bitches |
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A group of New Jersey moms have announced their intentions today of filing a lawsuit against Ann Coulter for inflammatory statements made last week at Princeton University while she crushed the life out of a small puppy. The five progressive feminists are "deeply hurt and offended" by Coulter’s remarks.
"She called us names, which we categorize as hate speech, and we hate her speeches as well," said Betty Jenkins of Tom’s River.
"My ears are still bleeding," added Barb Nelson of Camden. "Not because of her speech, Ann repeatedly jammed a pen into them."
In retaliation to the hurtful verbiage, the group plans to create a PhotoShopped version of Coulter in a Nazi uniform sporting a strap-on. They then plan to barrage the internet with these images through their wildly popular Facebook pages.
"We have reason to believe she is a Nazi lesbian," said Mrs. Jenkins. "Or, at least that was our conclusion at the last ‘all pussy pajama party’" (as seen on the Ghetto Shaman’s favorite links!)
"It’s ridiculous," responded Coulter. "I already have a penis, so a strap-on is totally superfluous, and, more importantly, my Nazi uniform fits."
Coulter feels these "sniveling prissy liberal sluts" are going to get theirs and then she inquired as to the time and location of the next ‘all pussy pajama party.’ Incidentally, so did the Ghetto Shaman. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
My grandfather was one of the Navajo code talkers who used cryptography to help confound the Japanese during WWII. I want to travel to the Solomon Islands, where my grandfather was stationed, but I don’t fly. If I choose to travel by sea, do you have any advice to help me stay safe?
Scott M.
Ship Rock, NM
Dear Scott,
Cryptography, eh? What’s the big deal about taking pictures of Mausoleums? To answer your question, this little number always kept me safe for long voyages:
Red skies at night sailors delight.
Red sky in the morning, pass the Visine, bitch.
Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Get Zyprexa! and, sorry, but the highest teaching in the Tibetan tradition does not involve oral sex. Who was your teacher, anyway?
Bill
Ely, NV
Dear Bill,
You misunderstand. All I was saying is that it should. My teacher is a very old shaman from the Kickapoo tribe, Shits-as-he-Walks Murphy.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am a shaman. I have lived for many months with the Warao of Eastern Venezuela. I have consumed wild tobacco, nicotiana rustica, and have had hallucinations of the origins of DNA itself! I have also spoken to the jaguar. You do a disservice to our ilk.
Tye
Tuba City, AZ
Dear Tye,
Yeah, well I’ve eaten cigarettes and driven around hallucinating about TNA. And I didn’t have to go all the way to Venezuela to talk to my car, bitch.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
What is your power animal? Just curious.
Devin P.
Richmond, VA
Dear Devin,
The horse is my power animal. Colt 45 forties to be more specific.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| The Heart Attack Grill Charged with Assisted Suicide: No Charge, Cash Only |
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| By Bald Tony |
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With the spring breakers getting on my nerves, and the International Meeting of Procrastinators (IMP) postponed yet again, late March seemed as good a time as any to take a break from transporting strangers around in a Las Vegas taxi. So, I drove two of my friends to Phoenix for WrestleMania 26, or WrestleMania XXVI as it was known in Roman times. Even though I’m a much bigger fan of old school pro-wrestling than today’s version, WM is still a damn fun event. Besides, I’ve lived in Las Vegas almost 14 years and had yet to make it to Phoenix. It only seems fair I should spend some money there, since so many Phoenicians tip me on a daily basis.
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| Discord at the Discord: or, Why as a Contributor I’ve Resorted to Death Threats and Violence |
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| By L. Wolfe |
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To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article. I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano). This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant. I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.
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| The Death Book Resurrection by Messiah Obama |
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| By Rick Right Pernick |
A couple weeks ago the Wall Street Journal published an article on Your Life, Your Choices and this was not directed at 15 year-old cheerleader with an enlarged stomach. This 53 page booklet, first published during the Clinton Administration, was promoted, by The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) as a source of information on how to develop a living will. Bush’s White House was smart enough to realize the contents of the book advocated the perverse benefit of ending one’s own life and nixed the distribution of "The Death Book," also known as the "Tibetan Book of the Discord."
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
You tend to glorify alcohol consumption. I think you are missing the bus here. The Dalai Lama once said, "Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."
Gail
Rolla, MO
Dear Gail,
Mwwaaaah? Is it not Ozzy Osbourne who once said, "Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus."
Check and mate…
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Obama Just Needs a 9/11 Moment to Unite Country Behind His Agenda |
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| By Rick Right Pernick |
I am no conspiracy theorist; I look at the facts and draw conclusions based on the information before me—kind of the anti-CrankZano, if you will. That being said, recent facts are leading me to believe the Obama administration actions are creating opportunities for our enemies to attack. But, more to the point, are future attacks actually being engineered by the White House? While Homeland Security (DHS) focuses on right-wing extremists as potential terrorists—you know, the ones who oppose abortion, gun control, high taxes, and liberalism in general—al-Qaeda linked Islamic extremists continue to plot against us. Why would Obama’s DHS focus on freedom-loving people like me when al-Qaeda has attempted 28 terrorist attacks against the US since 9/11? I mean, I’ve only attempted 27 in my whole life. I’m kidding, of course. The real number is much lower than that.
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| The Transcosmetic Party: No. We Don’t Necessarily Wear Dresses |
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| By Mick Zano |
It’s time for a third party, a truth seeking party, a truly independent party, a Transcosmetic Party! There is certainly a movement in America, but currently it’s brainless and leaderless (hint: when Sarah Palin is your keynote speaker, your movement needs a major laxative). Our zombie zeitgeist moans on as the Teabag movement only adds to the unrest. Having forty-percent of America ready and willing to vote-in any chimp with the tallest pointy white cap is not encouraging. Let me know how that Brown thing works out for you Massivetwoshits. Populous outrage is one thing, but misguided populous outrage is quite another.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I checked out a really fascinating website on Shamans the other day and saw something about Leveling Shamans. There’s one thing I didn’t understand. This site recommended Enhancement for most encounters, but only after level 40. What does this mean?
Freddie 9
Dear Freddie,
Ahhh, I believe that’s a World of Warcraft reference. You mean to tell me, you perused the entire website and you didn’t figure this out? The most beautiful story in the Universe is that of the Bodhisattva—an enlightened being, who could shift beyond this world at any time, but chooses instead to stay behind to help every person, every animal, and even every rock attain enlightenment. I think you could make even a Bodhisattva say, fuck it.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Fuck it. (See?) |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I think the signs from Revelations are here! Obama may well be the Antichrist.
"And he shall speak great words against the most High, and shall wear out the saints of the most High, and think to change times and laws."
From the book of Daniel (my emphasis on change).
Devin
Greeley, CO
Dear Devin,
Your emphasis on change, eh? So God doesn’t use bold and italics? Blessed is the Microsoft Toolbar. Look, I am the most High and typically the most Drunk and Obama never talks to me. In fact, he has a restraining order against me! Don’t you think the Antichrist would be able to get us the Olympics, and maybe some of those death panels? What law has he managed to change? You really think Obama’s the Antichrist? Maybe one of Jerry’s Antichrists.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. My emphasis on really. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I have recently read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and I am having a hard time staying in the ever present now. My chattering mind and my battling ego seem to always be working against me. Any suggestions on how to improve my meditation skills?
Tara
Eugene, OR
Dear Tara,
You should dump Tolle. I am a greater bridge to all non-dual states, or a Tolle bridge, if you will. Try my own antithesis to his mindfulness banter: Anti-Zen Living in the Then: Harnessing the Power of Anxiety. You too can worry your way to Nirvana with my 47 session CD Angst Kit (AK47). Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress.
As seen on Jitter and Pacebook.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
You know nothing of Shamanism! For I have faced the Mysterium Tremendum (the great unknown), swam in shamanic ecstasy, sang to my plant guides, and basked in the glory of the Great Spirit.
Swami Ananda
Brooklyn Heights, NY
Dear Swami,
Oh, yeah…well, I got shit faced on pot, ecstasy, and Delirium Tremens (the great Belgian-style ale), swam naked in the Susquehanna, and stewed in the top-shelf shit myself, Sherlock.
I believe the chakra is now in your cave.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| I’ll Show You My Twitter if You’ll Sit on My Facebook |
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| By Mick Zano |
Nowhere, AZ — Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don’t care how any of you rat-bastards are doing in FarmVille and/or Mafia Wars; and, no, I don’t want to play. You’re all doped up on goofballs. What the hell is FarmVille, anyway?! Wait, don’t answer that. In this instance, the Crank is right—I can’t handle the truth.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Do you have any forecast for the near future? A lot of people feel some serious stuff is going to go down in the years to come, and I was wondering about your thoughts on the subject.
Thanks!
Jackie O
Hemet, CA
Dear Jackie,
Here’s my forecast:
| 2010 |
2011 |
2012 |
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| Sunny Skies |
Partly Cloudy |
50% Chance of Mayan Gods |
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Apocalypse Now: The Daily Discord Secretly Enriching Uranium? |
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Philadelphia, PA - The Bible warns of a powerful leader and a false prophet who would one day rise to power under the direction of ‘Our Lord’ Satan. It is prophesized that this unholy trio would ultimately bring about both the destruction of the world, as well as alternate street parking (not necessarily in that order). The Daily Discord’s own CEO, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that he and his trusty sidekick, the Ghetto Shaman, have been covertly enriching weapons grade uranium in the back of Winslow’s 1985 Ford Granada.
"That’s just crazy," said Winslow, while laughing in a fake, unconvincing kind of way. "Besides, I own a 1986 Ford Granada."
If the Discord is successful in obtaining a nuclear device, experts warn it could trigger an unprecedented virtual arms race that would quickly spread across the blogosphere. The above picture is believed to be the actual Discord weapons facility, or a close replica, or possibly a Neolithic bird sanctuary.
"If the Daily Discord were to obtain such a device," said Winslow, "we would do what any good ezine would—nuke Facebook!"
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Hey,
If you’re so smart, how come in your book A Shamans Wisdom: Stop Limiting Your Spiritual Practice to Pot and Alcohol you left out the possessive in the title? I would hang a dead chicken outside of your editor’s front door, dude.
Jack
Susanville, CA
Dear Jack,
I did not leave out the possessive! If a loved one becomes possessived by evil spirits, you can regain control in chapter five of my latest work: Calling Upon the Power of Your Ancestors to Fuck with People. Hope this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Rick (I’m) Right (Dave You're Wrong) Pernick |
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| By Rick Right Pernick |
 You, Dave Atsals, have listened to the liberal rational for socialized health care. You’ve drank the proverbial Kool Aid, so to speak, and it’s a batch the Ghetto Shaman wouldn’t even touch. Like a good Pelosi minion, you’ve accepted the premise that we’ve survived the last 240 years in spite of free-market capitalism. How could we ever have survived the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Spanish American War, two World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, Persian Gulf twice, pandemics, the depression, polio, and yes, even eight seasons of American Idol?! Without Obamacare, this country should have been dead 200 years ago. How the hell did we ever survive without the chosen one? …without the Messiah, the once and future clown? If our healthcare system is so horrible, then why do we have people coming to America for medical treatment from all over the world…for what?...the hospital Jello? Granted, the hospital Jello is good and there are so many places in a hospital room where a green cube of Jello would look great stuck to, but I really think there is more to it than that. I know there are other colors, but you’re making light of an important topic, Dave, and I won’t have it! Frankly, this issue is beyond the scope of all gelatin products and their derivatives.
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| Apes, Shamans, and Atsals on Health Care |
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| By Dave Atsals |
 The Crank and the Mick have both missed the point on the topic of health care. Therefore, I need to put in my three cents. My three cents includes something they tend to overlook, common sense (or dollars). I may be jumping the gun a little bit about Crank and Mick’s articles and opinions, but I doubt it. Truth be told, I read only the titles of their posts, that seems to be more than enough for me this week. My guess is the Crank is of the opinion that any form of public health care will ruin the country outright, and Mick feels nothing will ever work because George W. Bush was once our president. Mick probably related this to the ever-growing national level of consciousness and seven different political talk show hosts so obscure it would take a PhD in C-span 2 to decipher. The Crank probably related it to a funny colored big ape, perhaps the same one they were testing The Ghetto Shaman’s latest “cures” on. He probably attacked Mick’s position in the form of very colorfully worded outbursts of CAPITALIZED SENTENCES!!!
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| Hey, Let’s Show the World How Well We’re Doing on Emissions by Hosting the G20 in Pittsburgh |
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Pittsburgh, PA - Pittsburgh? Why not Detroit? Why not hold the whole summit in the muffler system of an abandoned Ford Granada parked in the sub-basement of a bomb shelter? Not only is this the lamest venue yet for one of these global pow-wows, but the decision to host the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh is also cruelty to protestors. The same people fighting for the environment are now gasping for air. Of course, a lightheaded protestor is a peaceful protestor. Granted, this staffer was twittering and texting during most of the summit, but it sounds like a secret uranium enrichment facility was discovered there. Now, how stupid are we to host the summit at the very site where we are hiding a weapons facility in the first place? This is intolerable. How are we supposed to nuke the whales now?! Hold, on, hold on…I’m getting a text from the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t have any ID and he wants me to buy him beer. I am going to cover the healthcare thingie now. Wait, need coffee. You know what? Suck it, Winslow, I resign! You cover the healthcare pubic option rebate.
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| Spirographic Dianetics and the Evolution of Consciousness |
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| By Mick Zano |
Some aren’t going to buy what I’m peddling today, but that’s OK. It’s still America, no matter what the Discord’s CEO thinks (Commie bastard!). First off, my writing is not designed to offend the many dickwads that don’t get it. At least one individual is wondering about this color coding thingie (CCT) that I keep mentioning in my posts. You will be hearing more and more about Spiral Dynamics, Transpersonal Psychology, and the evolution of consciousness, because the truth has a tendency to stick around, like the Ghetto Shaman after last call. Of course, on the downside of this subject matter, anything even hinting at a hierarchy of ideas is always met with condemnation, er…like the Ghetto Shaman after last call.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
You claim in your latest book, I am the Buddha and so is My Hooker that you are a genuine bodhisattva and the actual reincarnation of the Dalai Lama. First off, the Dalai Lama isn’t dead yet and, second, as far as I can tell you have absolutely nothing in common with Gautama Buddha.
Stan
Twin Falls, ID
Dear Stan,
Much like the Buddha, I too abandoned all of my social obligations. And, much like the Buddha, I too, well, that’s pretty much it. But I’m sure I am on the right track. After all, does not the journey of a thousand miles begin at the Pay-n-Take six pack shop? Besides, ultimately I’m more of a Bootysattva.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I recently read your book, Shamanic Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, and one passage has me perplexed:
I read the signs in the sacred fire; I entered the green reptile’s web; I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage; I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows; and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval.
P.S. Oh, and who are the Cross-dressing Guatemalans?
Sincerely,
Jack Lavin
Beaver Dam, WI
Dear Jack,
Thank you for you patronage, one who dams his beavers. The meaning of my work could not be clearer:
I read the signs in the sacred fire (I smoked some pot with Pokey); I entered the green reptile’s web (I had to pay a cover at the Bullfrog Brewery); I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage (I vomited in the alley); I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows (there was a Dead cover band over at the gay bar); and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval (I made it to Carl’s Pub for last-call by sneaking around that bouncer who hates me).
The Cross-dressing Guatemalans usually frequent the, aforementioned, gay bar.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Police Seek Ghetto Shaman as Person of Interest in Jackson Case |
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Los Angeles, CA - The Los Angeles Police Department has uncovered evidence suggesting the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman was Jackson’s first spiritual advisor. The picture, depicted above, was obtained through the combined efforts of LIFE Magazine and someone who knows Adobe Photoshop. The Shaman allegedly continued to prescribe ‘herbal’ remedies to the pop legend, nonstop, since the early seventies.
“He’s definitely a person of interest,” stated detective Augustin Villanueva of the LAPD. “Let me be clear, we’re not implying there was any foul play here, but simple import/export transactions were ongoing between the two.”
The police know that copious amounts of Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor, Banana Red Mad Dog, and dime baggies of something containing trace amounts of THC were regularly exchanged between the two. A handwritten note from the Ghetto Shaman with directions on how to make hallucinogens from nutmeg and Ramen Noodles was also found at the Neverland Ranch, along with a pamphlet on something called Midget Reiki. Against all odds, the Daily Discord was able to arrange an exclusive interview with the Ghetto Shaman, who remains in hiding.
“I was in constant communication with Dr. Conrad Murray (Jackson’s personal physician),” claims the Ghetto Shaman. “I am innocent!”
He also wants authorities to know the two were coordinating their efforts to return Michael to the “real world.” The Ghetto Shaman insists that all of his techniques are designed to expand consciousness in a safe and effective way, using only a few household poisons. Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, would like to stand by his comrade during this difficult time period.
“Turn yourself in, freak,” said Winslow. “You can still send us your weekly column from the pokey…By the way, where the hell is Pokey? And where is this week’s post? I need it every THURSDAY. No postee, no payee, bitch.”
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Mr. Shaman,
My life has been a series of hardships. I fight pain every day. I’m a burden to my kids...what is the meaning of life? Where can I find some relief? If I don’t get some direction I’m just going to take all my medications and be done with it!
Jack Guernsey
Garfield, NJ
Dear Jack,
You have reached the desk of the Ghetto Shaman. I am out drinking, humping, or having profound spiritual insights with younger women (involving leather). Your email is important to me. Next week if someone happens to ask the same question, I will be happy to answer it.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I recently paid Pay Pal for one of your on-line ‘classes’ on Long Distance Healing. I am physically very ill and money is tight. To pay you over a hundred dollars, that I didn’t have, just to tell me to switch from Alltel to Verizon?! There are peoples' lives at stake here, you low life, bastard!
Phil Bower
Gilroy, CA
Dear Phil,
Don't speak. I know just what you're saying so please stop explaining. Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
…Really, dude, just shut the hell up. The family plan on Verizon is much cheaper than the one you use. You could use that savings to drink yourself to death. Just a thought.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Amurican Education and that Bitch Kimmy Grenawitz |
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| By Mick Zano |
When my fourth grade teacher, Mr. Healy, asked for potential solutions to our country’s refuse problem I thought, in my typical ‘hey, I’m only in the fourth grade but have the balls to raise my hand today’ kind of way, maybe we should send all of the garbage into space, or shoot it into the sun or something. That was the general idea, and, no, I still haven’t gotten over his reply. Now, he could have discussed the cost of such a venture, or the logistics of flying daily to the sun with a shuttle full of empty milk cartons, but instead my astute teacher, who always liked Kimmy Grenawitz best, said, and this part I remember quite vividly, “Space is the last place we want to pollute!”
Space; infinite, empty space; our sun, the giant yellow incinerator, thingie. Whaaaa?
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read your book Lost Mojitos of Mesoamerica and, first off, what the heck is an Aikido Hummer? Second, you say that you have a strong affinity for the Hopi Indians, yet you condone some very antithethical views such as secret prisons, enhanced interrogation techniques, and even torture.
Ellen Frazier
Billings, Mt
Dear Ellen,
Torture? You are confusing information from my chapter on ‘things I like to do to women’. The Hopi have influenced my work in other ways. For instance, their peyote is primo. Oh, and an Aikido Hummer should never be tried outside of one of my Midget Reiki sessions. I make people sign a waiver and everything. It’s the everything part that usually results in therapy.
Hopi this helps.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Peter Sellers had it Right: Swine Flu 101 |
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| By L. Wolfe |
With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I read somewhere that people can smoke dung? What’s this all about?
Sincerely,
Jack Tibolla
South Bend, Indiana
Dear Carl,
At times I have not had shit to smoke—beyond that it is sensationalism.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| We Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Paranoia and Secret Societies |
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| By Mick Zano |
Sorry kids, like it or not we’re heading smack-dab into what an old Chinese proverb describes as “interesting times.” These special periods of human existence are chock-full of upheavals and heaping piles of uncertainty for the whole dysfunctional family. What is coming, you ask?
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| The Horny Goat Weed Question |
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| By Mick Zano |
What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed? Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east. In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time). On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed". Below were the words "Proven Effective". Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch. What the heck? I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items. Who is? But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed? |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
With the current economic crises, I may only be purchasing one book this year. Any thoughts? Oh, and what exactly is Midget Reiki?
Yours truly,
Fred Callahan
Dear Fred,
You should wait for my next book Vomiting the Vedic and Other Gastral Projections. It will change your life. Oh, and as for Midget Reiki, the Discord only pays me to answer one question a week.
The Ghetto Shaman
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
I am very disappointed in a book I read of yours entitled: Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way. I think you are a tad off-message here, and, as a parent, I think the world would be a better place without your ‘teachings.’
Pam Stengle
Taos, NM
Dear Pam,
What? only a tad off?? My teachings and my master have taught me not to react to criticism personally….bitch.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Ghetto Shaman,
When you said you had ‘private healing sessions,’ I thought you meant you had a secluded workshop or something. You sick bastard! I feel so dirty.
I’m suing your ass!
Kristin
Dear Kristin,
All things done to your privates were done in the line of duty—except maybe the part with the snorkel. Besides, I have no fear of lawsuits, young lady. I answer to a higher authority…the Lycoming County Parole Board.
Sincerely,
The Ghetto Shaman. |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
What do you make of Xenolinguistics? Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.
Kevin Starke
Dear Kevin,
Indeed. There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn’t…like women.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Are you really a healer? I am a married man suffering from a severe dissociative disorder. I often lose chunks of time when my deviant alter takes control of my body and sends me night after night to the local red light district.
Sincerely,
Steven Jones
Dear Steven,
If your wife is buying this crapola, what’s the problem? Pork away, pal. Shame about the memory loss. Now don’t forget to channel that positive kuntalini energy into your fart chakra.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
When contacting the spirit realms, should I first put a teaspoon of the lye crystals into the bottle of ephedrine and then agitate?
Sincerely,
Fabio 6
Dear Fabio 6,
No, no. Dude! Stop! You can’t make ayahuasca, man. You’re making methamphetamine! In which case you should use only an eighth of a teaspoon of lye crystals. Meth is usually snorted or injected but, for a more authentic ayahuasca experience, try dissolving it in a rancid birch beer while gnawing on a stick.
The Ghetto Shaman |
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| Enter the Ghetto Shaman |
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| By Pokey McDooris |
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Traditional shamanic practices employ chanting, dancing, sweat lodge and fasting to induce altered states of consciousness. Long ago, cave dwellers created these rituals to achieve insight and wisdom. With guidance from ‘plant spirits,’ shaman priests discovered roots, vines, cacti, and mushrooms that, when ingested, stimulated the nervous system, allowing access to perceptions of abnormal frequencies of consciousness. |
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