Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 22, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A
After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A, What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
 
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Atheism: It’s What’s for Last Supper
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So how does a guy deeply interested in spirituality end up championing the coming Age of Atheism? Oh, it’s easy, especially when you’re a spoof news "journalist". But, before we get started, excuse me while a sacrifice this goat on this pentagram. Pokey, you are that goat.

After "No Hell" Bomb, Pope Tweets "And the Bible's Kind of a Shit Show"
After "No Hell" Bomb, Pope Tweets "And The Bible's Kind of a Shit Show"

Vatican City—His holiness The Pope angered most of his followers today after another "drunk tweeting" session that left many questioning their faith. The Tweet, which was immediately deleted by the Vatican, stated, "Why don't more of you throw beads when I'm on the balcony? Where's the love?"

The Pope is barely recovering from his controversial decision to unfriend the Dalai Lama last week on Facebook, after posting, "Someone says they're my friend but they're really not! You will find out soon what I mean."

The Pope claims his controversial online behavior is not contradictory at all. "I can't make heads or tails of The Bible, lots of smiting and killing and genocide. Hell, if I want that shit I'll read the Koran."

The Pope is downplaying what is coming to be called his "Blood of Christ" tweeting. "I don't overindulge when I'm online, I'm more of a weekend crusader."

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God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax
God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax

Heaven—God is back peddling today as a leaked memo to several archangels and the Pope suggest the Christian deity is "cooking the books" on climate change. The memo suggests God is manipulating data by either heating or cooling NOAA weather buoys depending on "my mood".

In a rare act of nonpartisanship, republicans and democrats alike condemned the supreme beings actions as "messed up".

"Thou shalt not accuse me of being an environmentalist!" boomed God during a press conference. "You never heard of an ‘act of God?’ It’s not a hoax if I actually make it happen! You want to see a real hoax, you should see what I have planned for Bigfoot next year. That’s been the best game of hide and seek ever...granted, moving Hoffa’s body around all these years is a close second."

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God Furious Over Latest Discord Cartoon
God Furious Over Latest Discord Cartoon
 
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Congregation Still a Little Cross Over Pastor Prank
Congregation Still a Little Cross Over Pastor Prank
 
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Vatican Sets up Special Child Abuse Committee
Vatican Sets Up Special Child Abuse Committee, Nobody expects the Catholic Indiscretions!
Nobody expects the Catholic Indiscretions!
 
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The Popes Come Out! Demand to Be Married in Church!
The Popes Come Out! Demand to be Married in Church! Wonder twins powers activate! Form of Papal!
Wonder twin powers activate! Form of Papal!
 
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Return of Squidthulhu!
Squidthulhu! For those three Spongebob/Lovecraft fans out there
For those three Spongebob/Lovecraft fans out there
 
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Ask the Ghetto Shaman
Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one reach a deep and spiritually meaningful altered state of consciousness?

Tim the Enlightner



Dear Tim,

Try huffing paint thinner during one of the alternate universe episodes of the TV show Fringe.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or...no, that's the only way.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I need some help! I need to cleanse my life-funked chakras, Shaman man. Wax on, wax off.

Jasmine



Dear Jasmine,

I can recommend several techniques. All of my latest breakthrough procedures are covered in my latest book Misguided Meditations: The Art of Quantum Pimping.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Skip Chapter 7: Drumming Circle Jerk. Seriously, this is at the request of my lawyer.

Ask your question, bitch...
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God Targeting the Tea Party with Hail and Shit
God Targeting the Tea Party with Hail and Shit

Granbury, TX—In a flurry of meteorological wrath, God unleashed hail, lightening, and high winds this week on predominately Republican neighborhoods as he looked on with his patented indifference.

"I don’t like the bastards," explained God. "They’re hypocrites. Don’t say you’re doing shit in my name when you’re doing the exact opposite."

When God was asked about the potential for going all ‘Noah flood’ or ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ on their asses, God replied, "Noah options are off the table." He then laughed at his own joke, loudly. "Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this, but I always target Tea Party and Republican neighborhoods. Square states are Darwin’s shooting range."

When asked about ideological incompatibilities, God said, "I love Darwin, the monkey loving F&*K. But do not cut that Noah pun out, Winslow! I can still smite shit!"

When asked about the fairness of targeting entire towns for the poor behavior of a few, God said, "Sure you’re going to get some liberal collateral damage. There are known knowns, things we know that we know, known unknowns, Hah! Damn I miss Rumsfeld. Shame he’s heading south. Truth be told, I don’t really care for people in general. I believe I made that clear in the Old Testament."

As an omnipotent being, God’s Rumsfeld quote makes little sense in the context of....Aaaaaaah!!

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Only a 15% chance you just ate cat
 
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My Life in Retail: Part One
By The Crank
The Crank

As I think about my life, my thoughts turn to the whole "Legacy" thing. What do I actually leave with my friends and relatives when Momzilla pulls me kicking and screaming into the next world? Will people even remember me 15 minutes after I’m gone? Probably not, with the exception of Mikko passing a rag over his forehead and saying "whew, thank Darwin that’s over."

The Cycle of Wife
The Cycle of Wife She starts off horny and then someone always gets hurt
She starts off horny and then someone always gets hurt
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

Why can't we all live in a spiritual-based-society where everything is fair and people help each other?

David



Dear David,

Just because I'm a Shaman, it doesn't mean I'm an idiot, you damn hippie. Look, most people don't want to give up what they have, but if you do, I need a new a liver. Don't worry, it can be a communal liver.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m Catholic so to ask a Shaman a question seems a bit counter intuitive, but I do believe that we are all energy and some New Age “hooey” resonates with me. Also, I don’t feel the Church is in alignment with the teachings of Christ.

Ned Flanders



Hi diddly ho neighborino!

Yes, we are energy and that is why Red Bull is the Nectar of the Gods. Oh, and if Jesus visited the Vatican today, he would Guy Fawkes that shit. Just sayin'.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

We have this life to overcome all of the attachments that you seem to advocate. Have you ever been to the rainforests of South America? Have you ever met a real Shaman?

Bardo



Dear Bardo,

Sorry, only one question per customer. I will answer your first question: no, I haven't, but I have been to the Peruvian Amazon.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stressed out! Yoga not working! Help!

J



Dear J,

Have you purchased any of my relaxation CDs, like Harnessing the Power of Anxiety? Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. As seen on Jitter and Pacebook. Or, why not try some life-affirming body shots down at your local pub?

You’ll be glad you did.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. It's also the time of year to grab a Guinness. Have you ever seen a stressed out leprechaun?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Pope Seeks Retirement Advice from Emperor Palpatine
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Vatican City–The Return to the Papal Side. On Monday, February 11th, Pope Benedict XVI looked out his window, saw his shadow, and promptly announced there would only be two more weeks of his papacy. As the Pope scurried back into his chambers, many were left plagued with questions. The job of being Pope is a lifetime commitment much like owning a pet, serving as a Supreme Court Justice...or, as I have come to discover, certain Discord internships.

Pope Banished to the Forbidden Zone
Pope Banished to the Forbidden Zone

Forbidden Zone—Pope "Benedict Arnold" has had a drastic change in his retirement plan. As soon as he abdicated his power, he was surrounded by armed Bishops and the last of the Knights Templar before being ushered into a clandestine chamber deep in the Vaticave. There, Pope Benedict the Whatshisface, was given a choice. He could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone, or he could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone to destroy the One Pope Ring.

The Pope pleaded for other choices, not the least of which involved Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume. He also asked to stay in the janitor’s closet on the first floor of the Passeto, then the table under one of the rape rooms, and finally His Homelessness begged to live out his last days on a St. Peter’s Square bench in the hopes of capturing one of the doves he’d released for sustenance.

In the end, his Holiness the Nope was sent into the Forbidden Zone south of Vatican City, where Dr. Zaius warns us, "He will find his destiny...but he better not try that ‘my precioussss’ crap! He needs to burn that thing so Obama can mint a trillion dollar coin!"

There was a point to this post, originally.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Advice please. I’m thinking about using eHarmony or Christian Mingle for some online dating, but there’s disturbing stuff in the news right now and I am concerned about venturing out into the world of E-dating.

Gale



Dear Gale,

Look no further, I have collaborated with the folks at Christian Mingle to create BibleThumperHumper.com. It’s good for all of your spiritual and nookie-related-needs (NRN).

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Don’t worry, it’s not case sensitive. And they made me put in the lousy acronym joke. Fascists

Ask your question, bitch...
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Angered by the Pope's Resignation God Fires Warning Shot Across Our Bow
Angered by the Pope's Resignation God Fires Warning Shot Across Our Bow
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started this with Dear Douchebag, so if it says "Dear Ghetto Shaman" above this, I knew it!!

Gerbs



Dear Douchebag,

Never go up against an established columnist with the power of editorial license. And please pick up a copy of my latest book Expressing Gratitude Through Violence at no additional discount to you.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. You're supposed to ask a question, douchebag.  See?  You can't win.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your favorite movie and what is your favorite book?

Becca



Dear Becca,

My favorite movie of all time is Frankenhooker and my favorite book of all time...well, someone should write a book about the movie Frankenhooker.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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NASA Finally Tracking Quetzalcoatl’s Progress!
"You've Got a Friend in Cheez-it" Campaign Causes Controversy

Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner...and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or "the other three Fs" as they are known to Mayan psychologists.

NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, "With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker."

NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.

"It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa," said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. "Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah."

Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, "I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something."

Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.

"That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends," said Bone. "So no harm done."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How will you remember 2012?

Yazzie



Dear Yazzie,

I think this picture below really sums things up for me. Only in my version of reality Peppermint Patty was naked and Lucy wasn’t. Weird, huh?

The Ghetto Shaman

Charlie Brown Adic Trip
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Homeland Security Bans Seven of Ten Ghetto Shaman New Year's Resolutions
Homeland Security Bans Seven of Ten Ghetto Shaman New Year's Resolutions, The FDA bans the other three
The FDA bans the other three
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you were arrested again, and/or in rehab.

Deuce



Dear #2,

Consider your source! Trying to stay in tune with The Discord's new level of journalistic integrity, I was arrested trying to protect my source...and for throwing a tequila bottle at arresting officers. But my source is protected, because, man, he sells the best weed in town, MFs.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I know you've said I tend to send you even more material from jail, Mr. Winslow, but this time I'm going on strike until I meet bail. (hint, hint.) Remember, it's not enabling if it brings about real meaningful change.

"I can change, I swear."

-Bob Dylan

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you thought about your New Years resolutions?

Migo



Dear Migo,

No, my tradition involves making end of the year resolutions. This way it's not much of a commitment, so if you don't follow them it's no big deal.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Remember, this year it's not too late to make your end of the world resolutions.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hallucinogens are finally being recognized in modern western science as beneficial to certain mood disorders. These plant spirits have always been used in ceremonial rituals for tens of thousands of years, and I believe they can actually bring forth things from other realms.

Oceal



Dear Oceal,

Agreed! They do bring forth things from other realms! Like the contents of my stomach onto the bathroom wall and floor....although mostly the wall. I realize that's counter-intuitive, but that's the plant spirits and tequila for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one remain in a state of grounded ever present awareness when your wife is being such a bitch!

Dan



Dear Dan,

We don't have to react to content, Dan. That is the key. This will enrage your wife, of course, so keep the number for Adult Protective Services handy. They really despise that aloof meditative half-smile as well, so protect your face.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Did you watch how, on election night, Karl Rove calmly accepted his colleague's statement that Obama had won Ohio? That man has truly cleared and opened all of his chakras! He has shifted consciousness itself way up through the sphincter of blissful propaganda.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Isn’t shamanism simply some misguided romanticism? Isn’t it a rejection of progress via the teachings of a primitive, often savage form of tribalism?

Cindy



Dear Cindy,

Well, it is the way I do it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. At the risk of sharing too much, when you said "primitive" and "savage" I got a little wood.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Checkout Ertel: Express Lane Only
By Ertel
Ertel

It started off like any other grocery store excursion, but I had spent the week leading up to this trip in preparation. Long, sleepless nights spent staring intently at a blank notepad, a pencil resting uselessly by its side. Frustration builds up quickly when you’re in a creative rut. I suppose I was no different from my writing forefathers: Hemingway, Wilde, even Danielle Steele got their creative wheels stuck in the mud now and again. But I knew inspiration would come. And it did. Oh, did it...

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who do you think should play you in the film (movie) version of your life?

Inquisitively,

George L and Steven S

Hollywood, CA



Dear Directors,

Phyllis Diller just died, so I have no idea. It’s funny you mention that because the screenplay is already written. It’s called The Doors of Deception: a Shaman’s Bail, but we have only raised about 11 dollars from key contributors to proceed with the filming. So we’re close.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ve been struggling on the spiritual journey and I’m wondering if there is a difference between suppression and self-discipline?

Half way up the mountain



Dear 50%,

Sure, look at all the different letters in those words. You can’t see that? But to your main point, suppression is only self-discipline squared. They are both products of fear. Living beyond such an internal conflict involves a true freedom that can only be expressed through running down the street naked. Now this is illegal, of course, which only adds to the exhilaration. I think the Discord’s coverage this week of Prince Charles taught us all a valuable lesson. Mainly, the importance of fuzzying out the winky!!! For God’s sake, PhotoShoppers!!! I haven’t seen anything that nasty since Michelle Obama’s new school lunch menu.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Since your Prince Charles coverage, I’m having Post Traumatic Streaking Disorder. Please, I am a young and impressionable Shaman. Thank you Daily Discord, now I may never have sex with old men again.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Mayans Finally Release 2013-7138 Calendar!
Mayans Finally Release 2013-7138 Calendar!

Maya, MX—Yes, it’s finally here, folks! The Mayans have released their next ‘long count calendar’ less than 100 days before the old calendar is set to expire. The Maya have come under considerable scrutiny in recent years for singlehandedly increasing anxiety levels across the globe. Many connected the lack of the next Mayan calendar with some type of global apocalypse.

The Maya are pushing back. "We have always released the calendar right before the other one expires," said the Mayan God of Freezing Drizzle, Hunab Kuu. "It’s how it’s always been done. Doesn’t anyone remember this shit?"

When asked why they never bothered to quell fears, or even let people know about the next calendar’s pending release, Kuu said, "If you had a 5,126 year calendar to produce, would you have any spare time!?" He then let out a string of Mayan expletives not heard since the day his people realized the Spanish Conquistadors were not the old teachers from heaven.

When asked if their feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, is going to return this December, Kuu replied, "Yeah, but he isn’t going to destroy the world or anything. He’s just a snow bird, really. It gets awfully nasty on Venus this time of year. He’ll party for awhile and then go home. Sure he’s going to break some shit when he gets really drunk, but it’s hardly going to be a world ending event. Hail Yig!"

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Boxers or Briefs?

Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Boxers are too violent and I have been told on more than a few occasions that briefs are vagina repellent, so I usually go commando. To avoid chaffing, you just need to get calluses started on certain parts of your inner thigh and Voilà.

The Commando Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Awwe, They're So Cute Until You Turn on the Water
Awwe, They're So Cute Until You Turn on the Water, Retinas grow back, right?
Retinas grow back, right?
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the GOP Convention? If so, thoughts?

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. If you don't answer this you're FIRED!!!!



Dear Mr. Winslow,

Kind of creeped me out. I know the heart of the GOP is generally old, creepy, and in some stage of advanced cognitive decline, but to wheel out all three from the get-go was a little much. I switched over to TLC's Honey Boo Boo. I could report on that if you'd like?

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Honey, We Have a Problem
By The Crank
The Crank

On one sunny, hot as the hinges of Hell, day here on the surface of the sun, I was alone on the showroom floor. My cell phone rings. I see it’s ‘home’ so I pick up expecting to hear something like a ‘I’m home from work. See you soon, honey," kind of thing. Well, not so much.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

The Ghetto Shaman,

Do you follow politics? If so, what party?

Indigo Montoya (YKMFPTD!!!!!)



Dear Indigo,

I lead politics, I don’t follow anyone. Except maybe that one chick, but I was eventually acquitted. And I like to hit all parties whenever possible. Politically, I am a member of the Transcosmetic Party. I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I came so close to understanding it one night on a disturbing combination of mescaline and malt liquor.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And it took a team of our finest here at the Discord to interpret your acronym. Well done, sir! Luckily we have several Princess Bride fans here on staff.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When I sent you a question about "transforming your demons, not fighting them", you agreed and suggested I transform them into hot chicks (which you never posted on this site, by the way). But the Buddha's first trial was lust. He would never have obtained enlightenment listening to you!

Lou-E



Dear Lou-E,

Yes, I remember the correspondence. The spiritual development of humanity has surpassed what it was in the Buddha's time. The universe is unfolding and, in some cases, disrobing. I sat under the Bodhi tree, nailed the shit out of everything that walked passed, and beat the Buddha's best time. Fear is still the same trial, though, so don't be afraid to pork away, pal.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances
By Dave Atsals
Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, may be looking for work soon. If any of you know of a position open for someone totally unqualified to do anything but sit on a barstool and shoot pool, let me know. My employment at the local flooring center may have hit bottom. Just be thankful they edited out the ‘pulling the rug out from under me’ joke. I had to meet with the head of human resources yesterday, which I believe has something to do with our HR department. There, we reviewed my growing list of misdeeds. I have listed the funniest five for your enjoyment. Mr. Winslow said listing them all would put too much of a strain on our server.

Temp Sensitivity in AZ or It’s 72°, Get My Sweater
By The Crank
The Crank

As I enter my pool after a hard day’s work, I’m greeted by the momentary chill one gets when going from over 105° to a frigid 88°. As I start my exercise routine, I soon warm. Fifteen minutes of calisthenics, followed by ten minutes of "floundering" as I don’t really swim, per se. When I decide I’ve had about enough of this whole "healthy" thing, I float like a dead man for another ten minutes...or, as I call it, the ‘Fuck You Richard Simmons’ position.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I moved to a magical place! It has wonderful people with a new agie feel to it. I’m thinking about opening a crystal store. Thought I’d share.

Shelley



Dear Shelley,

That’s nice, Shelley. My little slice of urbania is pretty amazing too. Lots of blue and red lights everywhere and the chicks on the corner are always dressed to the sixty-nines. All of the intersections are decorated with sparkly little bits of glass that shimmer in your headlights as you drive by...oh, and we have drive bys too!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And we make our own crystal, Shelley, in basement or mobile labs. Nirvana!

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want to meet my totem animal. How best to bring about this important spiritual encounter? Thanks ahead of time.

Flailing Spiritually



Dear FS,

Your totem animal never needs to be sought. Your totem animal is always right beside you. In fact, I can sense the bond between you and your...oh...oh dear. I hope you didn’t like those shoes. Bad totem animal!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Try baking soda to get out the smell. You're welcome.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The key to success is treating every special lady like she’s the only special lady. I know, this sounds simple but trust me brothers...it’s not! The first step is to keep them separated. No good comes from mixing these two groups of fierce females unless of course you’re interested in near death experiences. The next step is to keep all important dates, names, and events separate. There’s nothing like giving "Cindy" a gift for "Candy’s birthday.

Blair



Dear Blair,

What is the question you crazy ass bitch? I answer the questions...you ask the question. How could you possibly mess this up? But you should read my book Balancing Being & Bimbos. It’s a game changer for any and all players.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Crazy bitch

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am depressed, but I’m actually enjoying it. I just love sitting around and moping about and then following it up with some serious feeling sorry for myself time. Isn’t that paradoxical? Should I take meds? Or should I seek more traditional services?

Mindy



Dear Mindy,

I don’t have any "credentials" per se, but I believe I can help. You should celebrate your depression with my new product Spunk be Gone. It’s fast-acting so you’re slow acting ass never has to get off the couch ever again! You might augment your misery by purchasing my work Stillness Burps and Other Gastral Projections. This way you will learn how to look like you're meditating when you're actually sleeping. Chapter four really gets at the heart of your dilemma: I’m Pro-zac but Anti-Depressant.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I loved The Tao of Skullfucking and want to participate. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to broach this topic with my wife. There doesn’t seem to be a paragraph on this topic in any of those living will pamphlets. You are the master of such things, so what should I do?

Scully Slider



Dear Scully,

The Tao of Skullfucking is a metaphor! You sick, sick bastard!

The Ghetto Shaman

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Verbal Charades and ADHD
By The Crank
The Crank

While waiting for my shrink to digitally write out my meds for the next three months, I asked him a question. What amazed me was the cognizant answer. This new guy is great. He has knowledge and stuff—not like that last one. I spent my $125.00 listening to her bitch for 30 minutes. She had her loser daughter as her assistant. Imagine moving your business and not calling all of your regular clients to inform them. Then berating them when they suggest how a knowledgeable person might be better in that position. Headbob, followed by a "layta beeoch!"

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where the HELL is your material? I am so done with you and your New Age timeliness, deadlines be damned, Zen do-nothingness!

Pierce Winslow, CEO



Dear Mr. Winslow,

My material ended the day I stopped recieving the Round the World in Forty 40s. Remember you signed me up for that monthly malty magic? Well, I stopped getting the shipments. I shotgunned my last case of Schlitz High Gravity last weekend and then I never got my batch of Crazy Stallion. It's as easy to get things right, boss man.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'll always take Mad Dog 20/20 in a pinch.

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The Land Speaks and We Listen...
The Land Speaks and We Listen, Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
 
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Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment
Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment

Kingstree, SC—Officially, the First Baptist Church has "no idea" how the foam versions of their nails used to crucify their savior each year were replaced with sharp wooden spikes. Easter Sunday, these spikes were miSTAKEnly used to nail local forklift operator, Gus Franklin, to a large cross at the climax of their holiday mass extravaganza.

"We just hope someday people will find the humor in all of this," said Father Michael Shenanigans. "I knew we should have gone with the F@^*ing Easter egg hunt."

Uber-Defrocked Reverend Joseph Tompkins told coroners, "We just thought the Messiah was really getting into the part this year." However, the holy emissary later admitted to police, "We planned to take him down in a couple of days and put his body in a cave to see what happens. You know, to make the most of this tragedy. Maybe something good could have come from it, like the Rapture or at least a related bake sale."

On a related note, The First Baptist Church’s ‘One of Our Beloved Forklifters Rose on the 3rd Day’ bake sale has been canceled, pending the investigation of the organizers.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have not been able to acquire any of your fine works. The only reference to them on Google originates from this site. I am really curious about your important work The Tao of Skullfucking and I've been wondering if this is a metaphor, or a euphemism, or what.

P. Keller

Dear P. Keller,

No, no, this is quite literal. One must simply learn the proper technique to safely harness the energy of this incredibly profound cosmic act. The deep significance of this sacred skullular uninion can evoke powerful Satori experiences. But if the eyeball can not be popped back into place, please rush your significant other to the emergency room immediately.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Do not attempt this, under any circumstances, without either attending one of my Satori Skullfucking workshops or sending me a check for $49.95.

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Finger Puppets the Most Misunderstood of Toys

It’s times like these I really begin to question this project.

“It’ll be fun,” Pierce told me.  “Think of the travel, the women, the high adventure.”

What a load of crap! 

This week, Mr. Winslow said, “Why don’t you do something on finger puppets?”

He really said that—with a straight face.

“Mick,” he said, “our readers are sick of you and the Crank going at it about last week’s news.”  Then, with the same straight face, he goes, “A feature on finger puppets, now that’s the ticket.”

How can I even respond to that?  I hate him.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you’re stepping on the dream of the planet, not to mention my dreams, and you have women issues to boot!!!!

Leanna



Dear multi-exclamation-points,

Many do consider me the Founding Father of Drunken Debauchery. And, yes, women do boot me; that's the issue! But are they really my issues? The restraining orders certainly suggest so. For your wisdom I have sent you a free coupon for my book, Awakening the One Eyed Cosmic Serpent. I suggest you don’t read it. Maybe re-gift it to that special someone in your life. Then suggest that they don't read it.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Never give up on your dreams, because one day you really might just wake up naked in class. I have...and I'm not even enrolled anywhere.

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If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
By Ertel
If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
Ertel

What would YOU do with a million dollars? It's an oft asked question, right up there with "Are you a cop? Y'know you have to tell me if you are, right?" or "Dude, how much for those 99 cent potato chips?" If you asked me what I would do with a cool million before today, my answer would have been "a Branch-Davidian style compound, where I had multiple wives and would subject my followers to all-night prog-rock jam-sessions, featuring me on all instruments." After all, I'm a one-man band and I don't like sharing credit. But today the idea hit me, "What could I buy with 325 million?" and the answer became all too apparent...a planet.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The Mayans were truly amazing people, but what is cosmogenesis and the galactic code?

Joan Drummond

Albany, NY



Dear Joan,

Cosmowhowhatsas?  The Battlestar Galacticode is on Friday nights on the Sci-Fi Channel.  I believe it’s about Cylons, not Mayans. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My wife just left me for another man; I hate my boss and my landlord. Everything sucks. I could use some of your wise counsel.

Will-EEE



Dear Will-EEE,

Why do you shirk from these things? Why do you avoid them? Misfortune can catapult us to spiritual awareness. You need to reread my book Turn that Frown Upside Tao: Embracing Life's Suckage.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. If it's any consolation, I plan to just use and abuse your wife and then dump her ass.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Though I actually have no real question, I’d like to offer ‘you’ some advice. After all, I am in a wonderful, long-term monogamous relationship built on love, respect, and trust.

RS



Dear RS,

Is that you Santorum? I told you to stop hitting my contact button because I think you’re a douche.
Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and I’m seeing your wife and she thinks you’re a douche too. So is Gingrich by the way (no surprise there).

P.P.S. And I’m taking your son fishing this weekend.

P.P.P.S.  Oh, and nice liquor cabinet, but sorry about the scotch thing.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

After nearly 30 years, of living a clean and sober life, I'm contemplating getting back into weed. With the failure of the economy, losing my home and my family, it sounds like a good thing to do, as I am allergic to alcohol. However, back in the 70s, Thai Stik is what I used to do. Is that still available, and at what price? If not, what would be a good replacement?

Looosah

Michigan



Dear Loosah,

Thai Stik? Thai Stik is only about three bucks and is available anywhere, even convenient stores. It's very good at removing stains. I believe I’ve used that joke before. Look, Loosah, you should get a second opinion on the alcohol. Allergic? Try rice beer. There’s also gluten free beer, so you can enjoy a taste on par with Schlitz for only ten dollars a pint. Oh, and with hydroponics you will find pot much more potent than the old days, depending on your source, of course. But before you do anything to jeopardize 30 years of sobriety, call your sponsor—as long as your sponsor isn’t Budweiser. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Tide Stik
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Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

How you know you’re married to a man-child:

He needs assistance securely fastening his own seat belt. He may protest, "It’s too hard!" Sadly, that really happened...

He feigns incompetence to get out of doing stuff, i.e., sorry I broke all of your dishes with the sponge again, dear.

When he does anything remotely mechanical I envision a monkey with a gun.

He asks you for "help" as a ploy to get out of things. "Gosh, I just can’t figure out how to feed these darn fish with these flake things."

He’s totally incapable of feeding himself, forks, spoons, chopsticks, bibs all fall short of successfully getting the food into his mouth.

He can’t figure out why he doesn’t have any money. "So I can’t afford those solid gold jet skis?"

He equates taking out the garbage with all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry duties. "We divvy things up even, honey."

The condition of man child (MC) is not likely to get any better and alcohol only exacerbates the condition.

Good Luck

Cokie McGrath

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Hello Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a new contributor to The Daily Discord. Do you have any suggestions, recommendations, or warnings for me?

Thank you,

The Librarian



Dear Librarian,

Don’t go to the Discord Christmas party next week.  Really, don’t. It even scares me. Just let Mr. Winslow mail you the pen set that turns out to be pencils. I believe that constitutes a suggestion, a recommendation, and a warning.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'm not kidding...

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just had this awesome thing happen! I’ve heard it called Mysterium Tremendum by the mystics of old. It’s that ineffable feeling when faced with the awe inspiring compassion of God. It’s like a Zen sandwich, when you are one with Universe wrapped in the sweet bliss of ever present awareness.  I knew you of all people would understand.

Hastings



Dear Hastings,

I think you mean Delirium Tremens, which is what I get when I’m coming down from too much alcohol, or as I call it, the Unholy Spirits. It’s not really fun and the seizures can actually kill. I do get visions but rarely would I describe them as Godlike, unless you mean those bugs that you keep incessantly gouging at your own skin to kill. I think that’s what you mean.  I recommend tapering off the booze with appropriate amounts of benzodiazepines and then switching to pot for a while.

Hope this helps

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Greetings!

Sorry, loyal fans. I was not in jail last week, as Mr. Winslow keeps insinuating, actually I’ve been very industrious lately. I am starting a chain of fast food restaurants called Just Potato Salad! I’m thinking of renaming it Just Potato Salad, Bitches, but I kind of lose some oomph without that exclamation point. Does anyone have an opinion? So far business is slow. Should I consider adding another type of potato salad to my menu? Maybe one with mustard and mayo? I don’t want to get too crazy off the get-go; there’s a lot of overhead associated with a business that involves buckets filled with potatoes and mayonnaise…more than you probably realize.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Spudman

P.S. Stands for Potato Salad! ...Bitches!

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why doesn’t God want me to have a threesome?

Palfrey



Dear Palfey,

You need to be able to count that high first, dip shit. Oh, and two farms animals don’t count.

The Ghetto Threesome

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Aliens Set to Invade Earth have Bagged the Idea
By Alex Bone
Aliens Set to Invade Earth have Bagged the Idea
Alex Bone

Collapsing shack, AZ—After traveling over 300 light beers and listening to the same songs 10,000,000,000 times, the invasion force from the planet Gloom 666 has turned around and decided to give their Earth invasion "a miss."

Man's Attempt to Snort the Gobi Desert Ends Poorly
Man's Attempt to Snort the Gobi Desert Ends Poorly
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This seems to be a common theme with what I’ve read of your column, but sex drugs and rock & roll are at odds with most teachings of spirituality. What am I missing?

Zitz



Dear Zitz,

A lot of fun, apparently. We have DMT and cannabinoid receptors in our brains. Drugs are an integral part of our heritage, but my boss and my P.O. aren’t buying it. Check out David Lewis-Williams’ work on cave art. He has all but proven that rock art throughout the world has recurrent entoptic/shamanic patterns. When man ingested the first ‘shrooms and gnawed on the first psychedelic roots we finally climbed out of the trees and claimed our birthright—which has widely been regarded as a bad move (D. Adams).

Lewis-Williams’ is one of many scholars who believe the use of hallucinogens actually stepped up our evolution. You can learn more about binge drinking and enlightenment in my latest work Ancestral Party Animal: Voices from the First Kegger.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And at my house hallucinogens have also been successfully used to treat boredom.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The other day this owl swooped right in front of me and my girlfriend.  Not at night in broad daylight!  Have you heard of animocracy, or something, telling the future through animal behavior?  Is this a good omen or a bad omen and would you care to comment on omens in general?

Jackson Hole



Dear Jackson Hole,

I am very familiar with animocracy, and I sincerely hope, especially considering the current economic crisis, that animals start to legislate soon.  As for your question about omens: Omen 1: with Gregory Peck was a very good omen.  Omen II: is a pretty good Omen as well.  That scene when the kid drowns under the ice is really creepy.  Omen III: is a very bad Omen.  I don’t think I made it through the whole thing.  Omen IV: remains shrouded in mystery, but I have moved it into my Netflix cue and will let you know soon.  But I don’t remember there being any owls in those. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What exactly is going to happen in 2012?

Mike Dresden

Smithtown, NY



Dear Mike,

I will no longer be on parole in the State of Pennsylvania. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Never Mind those Mayans...
Never Mind those Mayans...
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was in a public restroom stall the other day and the guy next to me was humming that song, the one that goes, "I hear the secrets that you keep when you're talking in your sleep." I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. Do you think I need therapy or something?

The Mad Hoopster



Dear MH,

...or something. Who am I Dr. fucking Phil? Look, you should never take a dump in a public restroom; that's why God gave us the alley.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ronco’s Woes Continue with Recall of Zombie Pinata
Ronco’s Woes Continue with Recall of Zombie Pinata

Phoenix, AZ— Have you or a loved one been injured, scarred, or turned into a zombie after purchasing the Ronco Brain Feeder?  If so, you may be eligible for a large cash settlement.  Waves of complaints are staggering in about the product and Ronco is facing a multitude of grisly lawsuits.   Many argue it’s a bad idea to attract zombies in the first place.  Granted they’re typically sluggish and poorly coordinated, but it only takes one bite to ruin your whole day

Not only is their Zombie Brain Feeder the issue, the Ronco Pinata has also come under fire this week.  "We haven’t had a problem this big since the recall of our Undead Slip and Slaughter," said CEO of the week, Ben Avery. 

"No matter how you play this game there are no winners," said Stanley Melman of Scottsdale, AZ. "The instructions make it unclear whether the players are the zombies or the children, or both.  And I can tell you from experience, you don’t want your children waiting in line with a bunch of other zombies to take a swing at a dead person’s head with a severed arm."

"I don’t know what these Ronco people were thinking," said Sarah Comparetti.  "I don’t know what my husband was thinking either, but at least he won’t be making that mistake again—seeing as how he’s permanently chained to a tree in the backyard."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I consider myself spiritual, but not particularly religious.  As a gay man I am troubled with some recent so-called Christian thought.   Have you heard about gay conversion?  I think it’s bullshit.  People who convert are either repressing shit or were bisexual in the first place.  How would a shaman address issues for the LGBTQ community?

Rick



Dear Rick,

Social taboos are of little interest to the shaman, which may help explain my police record.  Following one’s true self, whether L or G or B or T or…sorry, I’m lost.   But, if we follow our true self, we begin to vibrate at a higher frequency than those who repress and judge.  So eventually it won’t matter to you what the bigots of the world think.   On a related note, the sages of old remind us, "We become who we worship."  Yet despite hormone therapy and near constant prayer, I still look nothing like Jessica Alba. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My master told me a great quote once, "One can acquire everything in solitude."

But I have houseguests that won’t leave.  It’s been weeks, dude!  I want to remain Buddha like, but I need them gone.  I want that solitude back.

JJ



Dear JJ,

You are steeped in great wisdom, my friend.  To augment the work you have already done, please purchase my book: If You See Your Ego on the Side of the Road, Stroke it.

As for your houseguests, tell them, "Life is a journey.  And you can start one, right now, by getting the fuck out of my house, bitches!"

The Ghetto Shaman

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Famous Jesus Outtakes:
Famous Jesus Outtakes: "No man cometh unto the Father, but by me, which alloweth me to charge a hefty cover"
"No man cometh unto the Father, but by me, which alloweth me to charge a hefty cover"
 
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Fantasy Characters Living Through Real Apocalypses Protest Fake End of Days
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Fantasy Adventuring Characters Team or F.A.C.T.s has lodged a formal complaint against, "All nay sayers, doom mongers, rapture renegers and end of dayers."  Those who have survived real fictional apocalypses are not at all impressed with these endless prophetic false alarms.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I accidentally found your work entitled Inspiring Women to Heel.  You control freak sicko! 

Tanya



Dear Tanya,

Thank you for the feedback.  Actually, Sicko was by Michael Moore.  Your confusion stems from having read book 2 first, is all.  Please read Acceptance and Surrender: Why I Insist the Women in My Life Understand These. Only then will you master the Tao of Skull Fucking.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Would be Raptured Couple "Just Having Sex"
Would be Raptured Couple "Just Having Sex"

Granby, CT—When Ezra Walker found two sets of clothing by the tool shed Saturday evening, she was convinced the owner of said clothes were "taken by God."

"I had mixed feelings at the time," said Ezra.  "Happy for my daughter and her boyfriend but sad for me.  I mean, who would help me fend off the zombie hordes?  The good book says the people left behind would need to deal with all that SyFy Channel stuff.  Then I heard someone saying, 'oh God, oh god, oh God' over by the tool shed. I wasn’t sure if it was rapture related or Zombie related.  I picked up my shovel just in case."

Ezra eventually figured out what had transpired upon entering the shed.  But the police report states "Mr. Walker used the shovel on the head of his daughter’s boyfriend ‘to kill the head…like in the movies.’"

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God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust
God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust

Heaven—God admits "mistakes were made" after He decided to use a series of tornado outbreaks to suck his ‘chosen people’ to paradise.  God is blaming some of Heaven’s bureaucratic procedures for the mess. 

"Nothing but red tape," said God.  "The forms I have to fill out just to send one giant wave into a coastal city these days is me-damned ridiculous.  And, sure, raptures only happen one time per planet, but keep in mind there are a shitload of planets throughout the multi-verse."

When questioned, God did not know the exact number "off the top of my head."

When asked specifically about the use of tornadoes as the vehicle for rapture, God said, "I was trying to think of something special for Earth, but then the sheer amount of vortexes became hard to control.  You try controlling a herd of tornadoes, or is it a gaggle? Excessive moisture in the atmosphere didn’t help any.  (Expletive)-ing global warming!"

God admits some chosen people were left behind, while others were taken wrongly.

"We have a Jew up here now, and the last one of those I let sneak by was in the year zero, if you catch my meaning."

Has God lost his omnipotent status?  God reports he has only lost his ‘deity status.’ Provided he makes no other mistakes for the next ten million years, he will be fully omnipotent once again with all rights, honors and privileges granted unto.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any nick names or aliases? Just curious.

Greg D.

Straatmore, CO



Dear Greg,

Some call me the Keeper of the Sacred Knowledge. Others call me Dances with Drinks. Still others call me the Man Who Should Stop His Drunken Facebook Posts!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  And don’t even get me started on Toking Twitter Tuesdays!

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Pope John Paul II's Body Exhumed for Beatification
Pope John Paul II's Body Exhumed for Beatification
Yep, a relevant rerun
 
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Eden Trial WikiLeaks Dump Revelation! (Not to be Confused with Revelations)
Eden Trial WikiLeaks Dump Revelation! Not to be Confused with Revelations
"I'm tellin' ya, boss, the bitch gave me the apple"
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Any of your legendary workshops coming up?

Sammy Y.



Dear Sammy,

Yes, May 7th and 8th. Here is a brief itinerary:

Day One:

11:00AM—My Cthulhu Sweat Lodge is back with, Sweating to the Old Ones, where I will harness your orgasmic sexual energy with help from some Deep Ones (actual harnesses available).

1:00PM—Drinking Heavy Cosmic Bar Crawl

11:00PM—Conference call with Charlie Sheen to discuss ‘winning’ and its implications for an enlightened consciousness. 

Day Two:

7:00AM—Time for the old "get up a collection to bailout your guru, bitches" workshop.  This will help your karma and your budgeting skills

8:00AM—Medicine Wheel Healing Workshop with fluids and oatmeal

10:00AM—Advanced Healing Workshop for those still under the spell of the Hangover Gods

12:00PM—Closing prayer and legal waiver signing, all during the Go Home, Bitches song

The Ghetto (Cash Only)  Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:

Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke.  If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there.   It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the "BLOW" IN "BLOW JOB" IS AN EXPRESSION!  This evil machine hammers home that point, literally. 

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  For the record, a friend told me this…

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How come you only promote your own books?  Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?

Marcus

Renton, WA



Dear Marcus,

That could not be farther from the truth!  I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop.  For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck.   He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But if you're only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

A note to Charlie:

You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis.  You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana.  You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one.  I can assist you with this.  Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit.  Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses.  So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Regrettably, the Ghetto Shaman column will not be featured this week.  The Shaman is doing important community service work this week—work assigned by his parole officer.  Kidding.  Actually, he has flown to Japan to stop a nuclear reactor's imminent meltdown.  Kidding. Actually, he has flown to California and is currently conducting a critical intervention on Charlie Sheen.  Kidding.  We don't know where he is and that's, frankly, not that unusual.

If you would like the Ghetto Shaman to answer your question, please feel free to hit the "Ask Your Question, Bitch" button below.   The Ghetto Shaman post will return next Friday...ish.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Yo, yo!

You guize iz da bomb! I tried to pik up Ur chit at Tahriri dude an' mist it. lemme juz say Ghetto Shaman iz rite down wit da Arab yut! Watch dem authoritarian regimes over next cuple weeks an see um skwirm, big man!

Taken' it to da street man, howz dem fine Discord honies mon! Bring em on in Tehran, mon, we gonna get da middle east straight yo all don no what mon!

Lil' chick'n ‘Strutn hiz stuf’

Arab Nation.org



Dear Lil’ chick’n,

What is an "Arab yut"?  I’m having a My Cousin Vinny flashback.

Sorry you missed my tour.  For being such a huge fan, I am sending you a signed copy of The Tao of Skull Fucking.

But what’s your question?  Even the one ‘sentence’ of yours that borders on a question "howz dem fine Discord honies mon!" doesn’t end in a question mark.  This piece is called Ask the Ghetto Shaman, dude. 

When you get my book, I want you to study Chapter 7: Exploring altered states of being and higher levels of consciousness with hookers.  There will be a test.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the difference between psychokinesis and telepathy?  And which, if any, have the shaman mastered?

Chad

San Fernando, CA



Dear Chad,

The spelling is totally different, for one.  Duh.  Shamans have mastered both, of course, which makes us psycho-pathic, as my rap sheet will attest.  To prove what I say, I want you to look at this card, drawn at random from an unfettered deck of 52.  Don’t tell me what it is.

Now I am going to concentrate on this card…(almost forgot my bongos).  OK…wait for it…

Is this your card?

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the deal with the movie 127 Hours?  It felt like it took that long to end.  It could have been summed up as drank my own pee and gnawed off my own arm.  Besides, wouldn’t drinking your own pee only make you more dehydrated?

James

Irwin, PA



Dear James,

That is not what concerns me.  When one drinks his or her own pee a sacrifice to Yig is required to liberate the soul and ascend to the spirit world.  Perhaps even more disturbing, you should only gnaw of your own arm when you wake up draped over a female of the Coyote Ugly variety. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. As many enlightened beings are aware, when one has carnal encounters with someone truly hideous, reaching Double Coyote status, it is customary to gnaw off your second arm so that it never happens again. 

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The Prince of Darkness and the Anti-Christ!
The Prince of Darkness & the anti-Christ! Ozzy understandably nervous meeting the 'Big Guy'
Ozzy understandably nervous meeting the 'Big Guy'
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude? Malt liquor products? What up wit dat?

Jason M.

Henderson, NV



Dear Jason,

I do suffer from a serious alement, a strange affinity to shitty beer that shamans refer to as Fecal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Besides hallucinogens, what methods do you use to obtain an altered state of consciousness? I am really interested in expanding my abilities and hope to ultimately reach new levels of awareness, but I am very concerned, as a teacher, to experiment with illicit substances. 

Richard H.

Pasadena, CA



Dear Rudy,

That’s so sad.  How can you teach without feeding your head, dude?  Bottom line, steady rhythmic bongo drumming while under the influence of malt liquor products can guarantee an altered state of consciousness….or, in some cases, vomit-covered bongos.   Ask your doctor if drunken bongo playing is right for you. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Massive Bird Droppings Reported In Arkansas and Louisiana
Massive Bird Droppings Reported In Arkansas and Louisiana

Beebe, AK—Reports of birds dropping from the sky continue across south central U.S. Historic documents indicate massive bird droppings on Mayan temples have occurred as far back as the pre-classic period in Mesoamerica.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Garage, believes "Mayan temples are just part of the story. We should not forget the numerous avian assaults throughout prehistory on outer Turdistan."

These droppings are not dotting patterns usually associated with flock feces; these are massive coordinated attacks on the same area. Dr. Hogbein reports having watched the pigeon-shit-scene from Mel Brooks’ High Anxiety ad nauseum and concluded, it is not as good as Blazing Saddles.

Experts confirm, along with fish kills, massive bird droppings are the first sign of the end of times as prophesized by the Mayan calendar. Incidentally, these items are now discounted for obvious reasons.

As for the Four Riders of the Apocalypse, turd falls under the jurisdiction of Pestilence, who "prefers bird waste for its high levels of uric acid and its ability to fatally infect the lungs of most mammals," said Pestilence. "Turd is win-win."

Dr. Hogbein believes the source of these larger droppings are monstrous mythical creatures known as the Chaos Pigeons. He also links these titanic turd sightings (TTS) to the phenomenon known as Crap Circles—a story that original broke on The Daily Discord in September of this year.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman in training and I was told one of the first things on my Shamanic to-do-list is to try to find my spirit guide to aid me in my quest and my journey. How do I go about finding my spirit guide?

Benny

Haddonfield, NJ



Dear Benny,

Spirit Guide

The Ghetto Shaman

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Bill and Dead’s Excellent Adventure, or that Zombie is sooo Cute
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The following is an actual account of something that happened in my personal life.  Let me tell you what happened to my friend Billy. Well, parts of it…

It’s Not "The Holiday Season": Insult Removed for Christ’s sake
By The Crank
The Crank

It’s Merry Christmas. It’s Happy Hanukkah. It’s Yo Kwanza. Screw the Solstice. Sticka’ the Wicca.  Fuck the Festivus. Kill all the politically correct shit, please.  If you won’t, I will.  In the immortal words of Bill Bixby, "Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry."

Institutional Inhibitors to US Development: Stand Back & Embrace the Suckage
By Pokey McDooris

Some things have been bothering me lately, like alternate street parking.   I have been trying to wrap my head around all the things impacting our country.  It’s better than what I used to do to with my free time.  Oh, and Potter County Police, you’ll never find her by the river, you bastards!  Mwahahahhaha!

Pennsylvanian Women Swept Away by Aliens
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Central, PA—It seems my region of Pennsyltucky has been invaded by aliens.  Not men from Mars, not arsenic-thriving Mono Lake Monsters, not illegal aliens from Mexico.  These are the most nefarious invaders of em’ all, Southern Gas Workers.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you embrace all that’s wrong with the world today, Shaman.  You glorify the seedier side of life, filled with drugs and thugs, a place where crap is king.

Mindset



Dear Mindset,

All of life is spirit, not just the peaches and cream.  The warrior’s path leads beyond good and evil to happy hour.  Where you see a Wild Turkey, I see a Crown Royal, where you see a stripper, I see the Sacred Dance of the Pagan Pookas, and where you see the world going to pot…er, I like pot.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and where you see a bloated Shaman leaving a Mexican restaurant, I see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

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Giant Ghetto Shaman Head Unearthed in Clifton!
Giant Ghetto Shaman Head Unearthed in Clifton!

Clifton, NJ—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, has startled the archeological community again with his excavation of a giant statue of The Daily Discord’s columnist, the Ghetto Shaman.  Dr. Hogbein has spent much of his career seeking an ancient race situated between the Hackensack and the Passaic River in a land known as Middle-Jersey.

Dr. Hogbein believes this civilization existed in Jersey an astounding forty-thousand years ago.  He also believes the Ghetto Shaman receives nightly transmissions from the Toltec gods and may well be an avatar, returning again and again when the world is in most need of public drunkenness.

"We weren’t sure this was actually the same Shaman until we reached the Basal Paleolithic level (c. 39,000 B.C.)," said Dr. Hogbein.  "There we discovered a necklace comprised of partially consumed chicken wings, possibly of the early Domino’s or Papa John’s variety.  We became certain at the pre-Specialty Brew level, where numerous empty cans of malt liquor products were found."

The Ghetto Shaman has responded to the professor’s theories thusly, "The only nightly transmission I receive involves a professional woman named Isis."

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No Ghetto Shaman quotes in class, bitches!
 
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Hawking Names Successor: Scientism, Cthulhu, and the Perennial Philosophy
By Mick Zano
Hawking Names Successor: Scientism, Cthulhu, and the Perennial Philosophy
Mick Zano

In Stephen Hawking’s recent Reuters article Why God Did Not Create the Universe, he asserts, "There is no place for God in theories on the creation of the Universe."

Hawking goes on to say the Big Bang was "an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics."  He then added, "Santa Claus is not real and Angelina Jolie’s breasts are silicone."

Damn you, Hawking!

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

At the eve of my big rally, I had a thoughtful post prepared.  Then I find Mick Zano trying to host a rally on the same day, same place, with parts of my same rally poster.  I typically don’t like to air dirty laundry like this, but Mick has become increasingly jealous of my popularity lately. He used to be the big gun, but now more fan mail is gradually coming to me.  It’s like over on Fox when Beck started passing O’Reilly.  I know it’s hard moving to a steamy pile of number two, bitch, but get used to it.  And that poster of yours is a cry for help. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and in an effort to continue answering my weekly question: yes, it sounds like an infection, JC.  But don’t pay top dollar at some walk-in clinic or ED, I have a contact for you.  He’s known to most as the Keeper of the Sacred Dime Bag.

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The Ghetto Shaman: Soul Retriever or Foul Deceiver?
The Ghetto Shaman: Soul Retriever or Foul Deceiver?

Philadelphia, PA—The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman met with CEO, Pierce Winslow, to discuss plans for his Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  On October 30th, at the National Mall, the Shaman is planning to ingest enough ground nutmeg and Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20 to "down a rhino."  He then intends to depart this dimensional plane of existence for a darker realm, possibly Newark, in hopes of finding an ever-important shard of our country’s soul.  Upon his return, he will restore our nation’s greatness and claim some fair bystander as his rightful queen (in no particularly order).  He then plans to do things he would rather not talk about with ‘said’ queen. 

Pierce Winslow is in full support of the event, "This is going to be huge!  We’re talking ‘my balls’ huge! If anyone wants to be bused to The National Mall on October 30th, simply meet us at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philly."  

The Discord’s CEO suggests hitting the site’s contact button for more details. Insiders claim Winslow has already rented a mid-sized sedan, possibly an Impala, from Avis rent-a-car for the big day.

"That’s just the beginning.  I am prepared to upgrade to a full-size sedan if demand warrants," said Winslow.  "Avis has some good deals right now, especially for AAA members."

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Ghetto Shaman Set to Take D.C. by Storm!
Ghetto Shaman Set to Take D.C. by Storm!
But will the Shaman stop wanking to O'Donnell ads long enough to attend?
 
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Discord Declares October 31st Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—Earlier today, CEO Pierce Winslow discussed with the press The Daily Discord’s plans to strike several radical Imams with raw eggs this Halloween.  His e-zine has come under considerable scrutiny lately for what some are calling "pathetic attempts at publicity." After Winslow explained the intricacies of Operation Trick or Trick, the Ghetto Shaman stepped up to the podium and called for the belittling of Yemen’s Imam, Al->Awlaki.

He then recited a variation of Churchill’s speech, "We shall egg them on the beaches, we shall egg them in the pubs and in the bars, we shall never soufflender!"

No one laughed, however, as the Shaman grumbled off.

Other targets have been identified as, "That asshole calling for war with America if that other asshole burns the Koran, any Imams threatening bloggers or cartoonists, and that guy from Honesdale that keeps calling my wife."

When asked about egging random Mosques, Winslow said, "Absolutely not!  This is an asshole-specific-event (ASE), and it must be limited to truly radical Imams, not controversial Imams.  Anyone on Fox News with an IQ could be deemed controversial."

Winslow compared the upcoming activity to December 7th, when, to honor the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Discord gang eggs all the area’s Mitsubishi dealers.

"It’s part of our own Zero Zero Tolerance Law," added Winslow with a wink.

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Against My Doctor and My Lawyers Advice, I Have Taken Glenn Beck's 40/40 Challenge
Mick Zano

What about Beck? Glenn Beck is an enigma to me, much like algebra. He extrapolates to the point of absurdity; yet, there’s something to be said for this pseudo-intellectual Mr. Magoo from hell. Beck must regularly trip on substances even the Ghetto Shaman can’t get his grubby little hands on, but I’m still not ready to dismiss everything he says.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Help! I turn on one show, like Glenn Beck, and Obama's a plant and we're all doomed. I turn on another channel and everything's getting better. I turn on still another channel and someone's eating bugs! I don't understand the world anymore!

Mark

Seattle, WA



Dear Mark,

Nonsense, you have already identified the problem and the solution. Problem: when one side is in charge they will always say everything is peachy and, when they fall out of power, they will immediately revert to we are all doomed. You have also identified the solution, eat bugs. They are an excellent source of protein. Sadly, this is the only valid point Zano has ever made.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And as for Glenn Beck, don't worry, he'll be fired from Fox within the first week of the Romney Administration

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Ghetto Shaman Makes "Surprise" Appearance on To Catch a Predator
Ghetto Shaman Makes "Surprise" Appearance on To Catch a Predator
 
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Pope Delivers Henry VIII’s Annulment: Queen Anne Boleyn Resurrected in Wembley Stadium Revival
Pope Delivers Henry VIII’s Annulment: Queen Anne Boleyn Resurrected in Wembley Stadium Revival

London, ENG—Pope Benedict XVI’s state visit to the UK began with the delivery of King Henry VIII’s annulment from Catherine of Aragon in a ceremony on the Gatwick Airport tarmac.  As a former Hitler Youth come in the back door, there was no Heathrow for him.  Citing the loss of the Church of England, rise of Lutheranism, bloodshed, butchery, gay bishops and the entire reign of Mary Tudor, the Vatican determined that granting the annulment was a better idea than not.  Steven Hawking navigated any space-time issues confronting the Vicar of Christ’s plan, meanwhile Dr. Who (all of them) were pissed they were never consulted on the matter (or the anti-matter). The price of tea futures spiked as the colonization and pillage of India could well be annulled as a necessary side effect.

Second up on the day’s itinerary, Anne Boleyn, convicted in legal proceedings that would embarrass even a Texan, was resurrected by the Pontiff.  The event occurred between the beatification of John Henry Cardinal Newman and the Pope’s arrest and transfer to The Hague.  The Pope is currently facing charges for crimes against humanity, including the serial rape of thousands of children, as well as one episode of urinating in public. The pope, using a decidedly pagan defense, is claiming "nature called." As for the other charges, the Pope stated he is only continuing Bush’s No Child’s Behind Left policy.  The joke resulted in a class action lawsuit from Christopher Hitchens, who claims the joke was originally his.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Were you raised a Catholic? Did you ever learn, as most of us did, that Moses parted the Red Sea, that God knocked down the walls of Jericho, that Jesus died for our sins and that he rose again on the third day?

Lucinda



Dear Lucinda,

Come out Lucinda, don’t hesitate, Cath-o-lic girls…well, catholic girls won’t let me masturbate.  Damn you, Christine O’Donnell!  What about Benjamin Wanklin and John Handcock?  Have you forgotten our forefather’s vision?  Why do you think they needed to invent glasses?  Sorry, but I just don’t want any Bible-thumping Teabagger telling me I can’t luffa the old spigot now and again.  As Ferguson tells us, "From my cold dead hand!"  As for your question, I don’t think the stories of the Bible should be taken literally.  They should be taken with a pillar of salt.

The Ghetto (‘scuse me while I whip this out) Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I thought your essay on Love, Spirituality, and Spooge was revolting.  Can’t you find something better to do with your free time than demean women?  You give New Age a bad name!

Gale P.

Houston, TX



Dear Gale,

Free time?  I’ll have you know I’m inappropriate to women in the workplace too.  Well, if I were gainfully employed, that is.  But, ahhh, maybe you should give my latest book a miss, Inner Paths to Pussy.  Just saying.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Parenting: Why I Stopped
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I came across a blog the other day in which these four, all important parenting tips, are stressed for the academic success of your child. It was the act of reading these four items, in succession, that made me realize just how much my parenting style leaves to be desired.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do you balance your enlightened journey with your alcohol consumption?  The two would seem to work against one another. As I have heard it said, what we love will eventually kill us. 

Chuck

Milford, CT



Dear Chuck,

This is precisely why I keep my X-girlfriends chained in the basement.  Well, one of the reasons.  As for balancing alcohol with a spiritual discipline, you have hit upon the very crux of the matter!  Read my book Living Gaia, Killing Liver and all will be distilled…I mean revealed.  Really, I meant revealed.

The Ghetto Shaman

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The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How come you never mention meditation?  I am beginning to question your wisdom.

L.L.

Draper, UT



Dear L.L.,

Only beginning to question?  You should read my book Meditation Overdose: Driving Under the Zenfluence.  Here is an excerpt:

"To meditate, grab your penis with your right hand if you are right handed, or your left hand if you are left handed, and then pull repeatedly. It helps to hone your visualization skills during this process.  I like to envision monkeys throwing feces at one another, which I am told is decidedly Freudian.  Some say that you’ll need glasses if you meditate too much, but don’t worry, this is a complete misboner. "

The Shucking Bubba Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your response to Mauled Forearms, you noted that enlightenment is not a finite endpoint. This intrigues me greatly, as I never fully realized this before your explanation. First, thank you! You truly do speak with great insight. Second, tell me more about this sliding scale of enlightenment. Please give me examples of people and where they fall along this sliding enlightenment scale. For instance: Ghandi, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, and Boy George.

Thank you so much!

16 cent



Dear 16 cent,

Wow, you’re going to make me work this week.  I got a 40 oz malt liquor product that isn’t getting any colder, bitch.  Ken Wilber’s multiple intelligences might help here, like cognitive, moral, emotional, spiritual, etc.  Some people can be high in some areas and low in others.  Mother Teresa was sadly mired in fundamental thought, which ultimately impacted her moral judgment. True story.  Even Ghandi had an ethnocentric streak in his skinny ass—although, he was admittedly high in most other areas (hash, baby!).  Look at our own CEO, Pierce (never-posted-my-fucking-bail) Winslow:  his cognitive and, maybe even, his interpersonal scores are very high, but morals? spirituality?  The guy’s on par with a Bond villain.   But Wilber is for beginners.  For a real advanced course in the evolution of consciousness, I’ve reposted the pic below for your enjoyment.

Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
 
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The Ghetto Shaman

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Local Exorcism Linked to Gastritis
Local Exorcism Linked to Gastritis
"It wasn’t so much the devil, as the devil food cake."
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m sure you’re familiar with the Hopi tale of the two wolves. Well, judging from reading your "advice," perhaps not. Here it is in a nutshell: An old Hopi Chief told his young grandson that all of us have two wolves inside of us, one good, and one bad. These two wolves are constantly locked in a fearsome fight to the death within us. Quizzically, the young Hopi looked up to his grandfather and asked " Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old Hopi Chief paused, "The one that you feed…" I think you’re feeding the wrong wolf, bitch.

A True Shaman



Dear True Shaman (whose subtleties do not escape me)

Isn’t Wolf Bitcher on CNN?  Howling Wolf feeds my bluesy soul, dude.  An old Hopi Chief once said to me, "There’s no drinking on the Rez, bitch.  Go back into town for that shit." 

A Truer Shaman

P.S. Oh, and at night I become a wolf…or at least on long weekends. 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard an old Hopi saying, "We are the ones we have been waiting for."  I thought that was really profound.

Mick Guernsey



Dear Mick,

I heard an old Hopi say, "The waiting is the hardest part," and "Don’t come around here no more, bitch."  Wait, that was Tom Petty.  Think he’s a Navajo.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Jesus Fingers Zeus as Assailant in Police Lineup
Jesus Fingers Zeus as Assailant in Police Lineup

Monroe, OH—Jesus identified Zeus, the supreme diety of Greek mythology, as the perpetrator responsible for torching the six-story Jesus statue last week.  Jesus was able to successfully single out the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from a police lineup, as the giant partially-clad, lightning-bolt wielding Greek god from last week’s Ohio mayhem.  Although, it looks like Jesus might be pointing to bigfoot in the above picture, police assured the press that Jesus was simply, "Messing with Sasquatch." 

"He does that," said Monroe Police Chief, Jack Goldman. "Jesus is a cruel bastard when it comes right down to it.  You should have seen what he did to Nessie, just because her existence flies in the face of Biblical reason."

Zeus was given the chance to strike a plea bargain yesterday; he decided instead to strike a giant oak tree outside of the courthouse. The act immediately set the tree and a neighboring daycare center ablaze. Meanwhile, Jesus is said to be letting the justice system do its job and is refraining from going all "Old Testament on his ass."

"Better deal than Nessie got," said Chief Goldman. "I still got people mopping in there."

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Zeus Claims Responsibility for Destroying Ohio Jesus Statue
Zeus Claims Responsibility for Destroying Ohio Jesus Statue

Athens, GR—Zeus, the supreme deity of Greek mythology, admitted to authorities today that he hurled the lightning bolt that destroyed the six-story Jesus statue off I-75 in Monroe, Ohio.

People who witnessed the incident claim, the clouds parted and then a large, partially clad Greek God yelled down, "Take that, you fucker!"

And then Jesus said unto him, "Father, why have you forsaken…oh, it’s not you this time."

The statue then burst into flames and melted.

One witness claims Jesus said, "I’m melting, I’m melting," but this parishioner later admitted her account may be distorted by consuming "way too much Blood of Christ and, oh, I had a little Captain in me."

When asked why he did it, Zeus said, "It was originally Prometheus’ idea, the bloody pyro."

Zeus also blamed his poor behavior on a childhood filled with abuse and neglect.

"My father, Cronus, was a real asshole.  The bastard ate all of my brothers, among other things.  You just don’t get over that…"

When asked if he was sorry for his actions, he said, "Jesus had it coming.  That wanker stole so much shit from, my boy, Dionysus, it ain’t funny."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths?  Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right?  So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders?  Stuff like this makes me crazy!

Jack P.

Lakewood, NJ



Dear Jack,

Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths.  Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary.  Do I have to teach you people everything?  I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy.  Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.

The Ghetto Tolkien

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God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry
God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry

Intercourse, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, watched as the Supreme Diety burned his rural Pennsylvania home to the ground over Memorial Day weekend.

"It was horrible," said Winslow.  "God can really make you feel helpless.  Sure, you can flip him off and yell obscenities from your front lawn, but if that fucker wants to torch your house, he’s gonna do it."

Winslow believes that God tried to contact the Daily Discord several times last week, but his messages were ignored.

"Zano just doesn’t answer shit," said Winslow.  "He’s like an idiot savant without the savant.  We have good people contributing material and we never answer any of them. God himself even tried our contact button last week, but we rarely answer such things.  Heck, there’s a porn star that keeps emailing the Ghetto Shaman and we didn’t even answer her last few questions.  So, under those circumstances, what chance does God have for a response, really?  On that note, what’s the difference between a porn star and God?  I would get up early on Sunday for a porn star."

Winslow added, "I don’t even know why he’s sticking up for Muhammad.  That prophet has issues.  Somehow our article Jesus to be Brought before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case goes unnoticed, not to mention all of our recent Pope bashing and now the big guy goes and picks a fight?"

Winslow wants God to know that a Mr. Cohen will be pressing his contact button soon, bitch.

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Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day?
Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day?

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious that no one posted any of the Daily Discord’s  submissions for this week’s Draw Muhammad Day.

"Sure, we Photoshopped the shit, but that’s how we roll.  Who draws?  Do I look like I still play with crayons, you cretin-blogging dickwads?!  OK, don’t answer that."

Witnesses claim that Winslow has grown completely irrational after the realization that every blogger from Seattle to Georgia refused to post any of the Daily Discord’s twenty-seven computer generated submissions.

"That’s nonsense," disagreed Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  "Winslow’s always completely irrational." 

Since no one picked up any of the controversial material, Mr. Winslow is calling for lashings, beheadings, and belashings—which is, actually, more reminiscent of his ill-received Draw Muhammad in Drag Day.  In retaliation, the Daily Discord is planning to host Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day next week and Winslow would like to add, "And we’re not taking any of your submission at this time, bitches."

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In Honor of "Draw Muhammad Day"
In Honor of "Draw Muhammad Day", Moe-Hammed
Moe-Hammad
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Get Zyprexa! and, sorry, but the highest teaching in the Tibetan tradition does not involve oral sex.  Who was your teacher, anyway?

Bill

Ely, NV



Dear Bill,

You misunderstand.  All I was saying is that it should.   My teacher is a very old shaman from the Kickapoo tribe, Shits-as-he-Walks Murphy.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Heroin Addicts Protest Military’s Plan to Eradicate Opium in Afghanistan
Heroin Addicts Protest Military’s Plan to Eradicate Opium in Afghanistan

Washington, DC—Heroin addicts everywhere are protesting the Obama Administration’s decision to interrupt the flow of opium production across Afghanistan.

"Farmers everywhere should be able to grow whatever herbs, vegetables, or Oxycotton trees they see fit," said Rush Limbaugh.

Chip "Chipper" Smith had this to say, "This will have unintended consequences for small businessmen across America.  Soon I’ll have to pay for government run healthcare and there’s not an ER within fifty-miles that will even let me the fuck in. Talk about the audacity of dope!"

Several dozen people arrived outside the White House to protest the military’s focus on curtailing Afghani opium production.  Most of their signs were not upright, however, and the group seemed rather lethargic.

One unidentified man holding a sign reading ‘Vicodin for Victory’ had this to say, "I think there should be…………………I think there.  They better not stop the opium production because…"  Upon waking, the man added, "I don’t think there should be……."

The non-violent, some seemingly non-breathing, protestors plan to assemble again at this same spot tomorrow, right after the methadone clinic closes but before the pubs open—a time known to local heroin addicts as the Tweaklight Zone.

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Vatican to Use Harry Potter’s ‘Sorting Hat’ to Pick Next Pope
Vatican to Use Harry Potter’s ‘Sorting Hat’ to Pick Next Pope

Rome, IT (or thereabouts)—Vatican officials, along with someone known only as the Albino Priest, have decided to "switch it up" for their next pope picking extravaganza.

When asked if the decision to use the 'Sorting Hat' from the wildly popular Harry Potter series might be deemed "way too f-ing Pagan" by some of the parishioners, the Vatican had this to say, "The gig is up, the cat is out of the bag, the fat lady is singing, and the altar boys are pressing charges. In no way will people continue to buy the whole ‘divinely picked thing’ at this point. Besides, it's not like we haven't absorbed some Pagan stuff before."

The Vatican believes that "whatever they choose to pick the next Pope couldn't be worse."

The Albino Priest had this to say, "We hope to just incorporate parts of the Potter series into our faith. The Gospel of Dumbledore is due to release in June, and you can’t tell me we won’t gain some popularity with the young’ins with our Christ Church of Wizardry."

As part of the deal, R.K. Rowling will be awarded an entire wing of the Vatican for weekly treasure baths.

"Rumors to divide the Catholic Church into congregations like Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff are just that, rumors," said the Albino Priest. "Now if we could only get the sorting hat to stop picking Cardinal Snape."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your power animal? Just curious.

Devin P.

Richmond, VA



Dear Devin,

The horse is my power animal. Colt 45 forties to be more specific.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods, what did you mean by your quote, "in parts of the U.S. and Canada the Shaman was restored to the wild"???

P.S. I do not believe you can successfully use malt liquor products as a medium of spiritual transformation.

Fred

Willow Creek, CA



Dear Fred,

I was captured, tagged, and released in Pennsylvania state forest land, along with about twenty other Shamans in the spring of 2004.  It was just another eco-liberal attempt to restore the Shaman to parts of North America, while pissing off as many republicans as possible.  I chewed off my tag, so they can no longer track my migration. 

P.S.  I can transform with malt liquor products just fine! You should see me around last call at Carl’s Pub. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Hitch-Slapping 101: Why Christopher Hitchens Should be King
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Christopher Hitchens is a god among men.  Of course, the atheistic cynic would never put it quite like that but, nevertheless, I would like to take a moment to both praise and condemn the self-righteous bastard.  If you have never checked out Hitchens, you should.  He’s a contributor for Vanity Fair and Slate Magazine, or you can always check out his website, The Hitchen’s Zone, where he pulls off a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling like no other.  He recently called Alexander Haig a "Neurotic narcissist with an unquenchable craving for power." This, of course, occurred when other people were paying their respects to his still warm corpse. In wake of the church’s child abuse cover-ups, he said the Pope’s "whole career has the stench of evil about it." Whereas the Pope is still theoretically alive, he is—in part thanks to Hitchens—the poster boy for the So, you weren’t really divinely picked, were you? group on Facebook …I would join this group but, unfortunately, I was divinely picked.  John Paul II did manage to keep that divine-designation-thing (DDT) at least somewhat of a mystery for a time.  Kudos to him.  The good news, Herr Benedict may move some folks beyond mere fundamental thinking (many out of pure disgust).  Hey, maybe God is still popenipotent, but maybe his picker is broken.  God is slated for Larry King Live next week, where he/she will refute Zano’s claims with the likes of: "I didn’t mean him. I was pointing toward that other bloke in the back with the funny hat.  Really…I was.  I wanted that fellow who would have stopped all the shenanigans with the young’ins and continue with my work and such.  No, I’m not talking about buggering, you stupid bastard."

Flappy Yeaster Everybody!
Flappy Yeaster  Everybody!
And on the 3rd Day Yeast Rose
 
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Gaffe Guru Biden Introduces a Scandal Weary Pope
Gaffe Guru Biden Introduces a Scandal Weary Pope
"It's a kid fucking deal."
 
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Jesus Tells Obama to "Grow a Pair"
Jesus Tells Obama to "Grow a Pair"

In an exclusive interview, the Son of God interviewed Barak "Messiah" Obama.  Christ almost immediately called Obama a "whiner" and said today’s political climate was "child’s play" compared to his own experiences.

"You try transitioning mankind from the Old Testament to the New Testament some time," said Jesus.  "Now that’s change you can believe in.  When I came into power people were stoning gays to death, and God was smiting this and smiting that.  He was taking out whole towns, for My sake."

When Obama questioned how he handled economic issues, Jesus said, "I, quite literally, turned the tables on the economic gurus of the time."

But Jesus admitted he was out of control that day, which he attributes to consuming too much "Blood of Me."  Jesus has never been able to forgive himself for his actions, because "Forgiveness is not my scene, man."

"Look," said Jesus, "they can’t do anything worse to you than they did to me."

When Obama asked him to recount his final moments, Jesus said, "Well, it was a lot better than Mel Gibson’s portrayal in the Passion of the Christ but it was a lot worse than Monty Python’s version in Life of Brian."

Jesus also admitted the Shroud of Turin was a fake, but that the grilled cheese image from Carolina was legit.

"I just happened to be in town and thought, fry not?" 

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ll take The Lord of the Rings over The Holy Bible any day.  I don’t think the Bible was ever meant to be taken literally.

Mary L.

Billings, Mt

P.S.  Oh, and in your book The Tao of Skull Fucking, who are the Contraceptacons?



Hail Mary,

I agree, the Bible should be taken with a pillar of salt.   You are very insightful.  Mankind can learn much from both Tolkien and The Bible.  For example, when you crucify a dwarf, they get a little cross. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  The Contraceptacons died out—most in horrific IUD explosions

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you available for speaking engagements? I am hosting an all-female adult movie star convention in Las Vegas in a few weeks and was wondering if you may be available.

Thanks!

Laurel Canyon



Dear Laurel,

Is this a trick question?  Actually, I’m a busy man.  I certainly can’t go to every all-female porn convention that I’m invited to…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Send the details!  Can I bring Zano, Atsals, and Bald Tony?  They’re usually well behaved at such events.  That didn’t sound convincing, did it?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dude,

Should Obama cave to China and not visit with the Dalai Lama?  After all, they are the Boss now, right?

Chuck G.

New York, NY



Dear Chuck,

The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.

The Dude is the Big Lebowski.

Osama lives in a cave, not Obama.

And only Nixon can go to China (and he's dead; ain't that a bitch?)

Hope this helps,

The Dalai Shaman

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This Just In:
Dave Atsals, Daily Discord Man of Mystery
If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is...
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think the signs from Revelations are here!  Obama may well be the Antichrist.

"And he shall speak great words against the most High, and shall wear out the saints of the most High, and think to change times and laws."

From the book of Daniel (my emphasis on change).

Devin

Greeley, CO



Dear Devin,

Your emphasis on change, eh?  So God doesn’t use bold and italics?  Blessed is the Microsoft Toolbar. Look, I am the most High and typically the most Drunk and Obama never talks to me.  In fact, he has a restraining order against me!  Don’t you think the Antichrist would be able to get us the Olympics, and maybe some of those death panels?  What law has he managed to change?  You really think Obama’s the Antichrist?  Maybe one of Jerry’s Antichrists.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  My emphasis on really.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and I am having a hard time staying in the ever present now.  My chattering mind and my battling ego seem to always be working against me.  Any suggestions on how to improve my meditation skills?

Tara

Eugene, OR



Dear Tara,

You should dump Tolle. I am a greater bridge to all non-dual states, or a Tolle bridge, if you will.  Try my own antithesis to his mindfulness banter: Anti-Zen Living in the Then: Harnessing the Power of Anxiety.  You too can worry your way to Nirvana with my 47 session CD Angst Kit (AK47).  Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. 

As seen on Jitter and Pacebook.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You know nothing of Shamanism!  For I have faced the Mysterium Tremendum (the great unknown), swam in shamanic ecstasy, sang to my plant guides, and basked in the glory of the Great Spirit.

Swami Ananda

Brooklyn Heights, NY



Dear Swami,

Oh, yeah…well, I got shit faced on pot, ecstasy, and Delirium Tremens (the great Belgian-style ale), swam naked in the Susquehanna, and stewed in the top-shelf shit myself, Sherlock. 

I believe the chakra is now in your cave.

 The Ghetto Shaman

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Fox News Alert: Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In the chaos of world events and our declining economy, America has clearly entered uncertain times. We are all juggling multiple jobs, multiple credit cards, and multiple hookers (sorry Tiger).  And, as times get tighter and America decays under the weight of its own gluttony and greed, it is often harder to remember our moral priorities. This is where Fox News presents: The Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.

With the liberals telling us that love is always okay on one hand, and the GLBT movement demanding fair treatment on the other, a decent god-fearing Christian can often lose their way within the fog of human rights advocation. After all, we all know that Jesus believed we should love all mankind, unless, of course, they are different from us (Malkinicus 3:11).

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any forecast for the near future? A lot of people feel some serious stuff is going to go down in the years to come, and I was wondering about your thoughts on the subject.

Thanks!

Jackie O

Hemet, CA



Dear Jackie,

Here’s my forecast:

2010 2011 2012
Sunny Skies Partly Cloudy 50% Chance of Mayan Gods

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Let’s say the Mayans really could see into the future, but what if they didn’t tap into the actual events of 2012, but the trailer of the upcoming movie 2012?  It could explain everything!

Steve

Berlin, NH



What if, during your birth, oxygen was not supplied to your brain for several minutes?  It could explain everything!

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am sure about only two things after reading one of your works: the inner paths to enlightenment have nothing to do with a woman’s privates, and you know nothing about the universal truths.

Sally

Laredo, TX



Dear Sally,

The truth needs few words, aka WRONG! Read my book Shamans, Sages, and Sangrias and give me a call…around last call.  And in the immortal words of Melharishi Brooks, don’t wear anything complicated.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

WTF? What is the problem with the Thai stick? Ever since Clinton got back from North Korea with them fine Asian honeys that were "very grateful, he, he" I aint been able to get dat fine Thai stick. Hook me up, dude!

The Wolfenstein and his girly girls



Dear Whatsisface and his chicky chicks,

I’m confused.  Thai stick is everywhere now, even in convenience stores.  I swear by the stuff.  If I’m on a business luncheon and I get food on my tie, it takes even the toughest stains right out.  I carry a tube of Thai Stick® in my house and one for the glove box in my car.  Consider yourself hooked up, dude and dudettes.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Other than your work, which I found to be nonsensical-tripe, what further reading do you recommend for a serious Shamanic wannabe?

Sincerely,

Ted

Scranton, PA



Dear Ted,

Please, you cannot ignore my entire body of work! I can assure you that my next book, Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods will not be so easily dismissed!

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude!  The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin.  You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise!  I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.

Jake

Abilene, TX



Dear Jake,

Insane, mwaaah?  What was your first clue, Sherlock?  I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano.  In fact, Zano owes me a six pack.  Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox.  Really, hurry up and tell him…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits.  I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses. 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You claim in your latest book, I am the Buddha and so is My Hooker that you are a genuine bodhisattva and the actual reincarnation of the Dalai Lama.   First off, the Dalai Lama isn’t dead yet and, second, as far as I can tell you have absolutely nothing in common with Gautama Buddha. 

Stan

Twin Falls, ID



Dear Stan,

Much like the Buddha, I too abandoned all of my social obligations. And, much like the Buddha, I too, well, that’s pretty much it. But I’m sure I am on the right track.  After all, does not the journey of a thousand miles begin at the Pay-n-Take six pack shop?   Besides, ultimately I’m more of a Bootysattva.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you speak last Thursday at that symposium behind the 24 hour coin-op laundry place.  I even took one of your pamphlets, Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everbody Feng Shui Tonight. And, well, here’s my question:  are masters and shaman reincarnated time and time again, like the bodhisattvas, or is it a one shot deal?  Your lecture was almost contradictory on this point and then, after you threw up, you were kind of hard to understand. 

Roland Parker

Newberry, PA



Dear Roland,

With me it’s never a one shot deal (just ask Pokey or Zano).  Look, the vomit is part of my communion after the great spirits. You’ve heard of speaking in tongues?  I call it speaking in chunks.  As for your question, indeed, a master can manifest into many bodies over many life times.  For example, last weekend I managed to manifest myself into three separate bodies.  Though, the last one I must admit was a tad on the ‘happy Buddha’ side, if you follow. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book, Shamanic Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, and one passage has me perplexed:


I read the signs in the sacred fire; I entered the green reptile’s web; I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage; I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows; and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval.


P.S.  Oh, and who are the Cross-dressing Guatemalans? 


Sincerely,

Jack Lavin

Beaver Dam, WI



Dear Jack,

Thank you for you patronage, one who dams his beavers.  The meaning of my work could not be clearer:


I read the signs in the sacred fire (I smoked some pot with Pokey); I entered the green reptile’s web (I had to pay a cover at the Bullfrog Brewery); I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage (I vomited in the alley); I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows (there was a Dead cover band over at the gay bar); and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval (I made it to Carl’s Pub for last-call by sneaking around that bouncer who hates me).


The Cross-dressing Guatemalans usually frequent the, aforementioned, gay bar.


The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I must admit to being a New Age newbie.  What the heck is Chi?  And what exactly is a super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation?   I hear these crazy things bandied about in the course of my studies, but I must admit to being completely lost sometimes. 

Bobby Tonelli

Kennebunkport, ME



Dear Bobby,

(or may I call you Bobert?)

You must harness your Chi. You must cultivate your Chi.  At the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss, Chi is the key, you see! You must make the Chi your pet, a Chia Pet, if you will.  As for the super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation, I use prune juice, a warrior’s drink.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Mr. Shaman,

My life has been a series of hardships.  I fight pain every day. I’m a burden to my kids...what is the meaning of life?  Where can I find some relief?  If I don’t get some direction I’m just going to take all my medications and be done with it!

Jack Guernsey

Garfield, NJ



Dear Jack,

You have reached the desk of the Ghetto Shaman.  I am out drinking, humping, or having profound spiritual insights with younger women (involving leather). Your email is important to me.  Next week if someone happens to ask the same question, I will be happy to answer it.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have studied the mystical path for over ten years and I am still riddled with anxiety.  I am worried people are going to find out my fondness for women’s clothing.  I try so hard to meditate, but yoga and tai chi just can’t separate me from my fears.  I have fears about the recent economic downturn, fears about my girlfriend finding out my secret, fear of, well, everything.  I need a Shaman.  I need your guidance.

Jack Mendelsen

Kenosha, WI



Dear Jack,

You are afraid of people discovering your fondness for women’s clothing, one Jack Mendelsen of Kenosha, Wisconsin?  I am sure your secret is safe (moron).  Look, self-transformation often involves a pair of fishnets and stilettos.  It does for me, anyway. As for fear…Just Stop!  Fear is the enemy.  Anxiety is crippling our society.  You must move beyond your fears.  The level of fear in the United States today scares the living shit out of me!  Hmmm, Living Shit the Mystical Pooh…maybe a book idea in there somewhere.

The Ghetto Shaman

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The Good Opinions of Others
By Pokey McDooris

For Lent I gave up fast food, and ejaculating, of course.

I haven’t slept in days, but I meditate. The energy builds and circulates throughout my entire body. I then walk to the park to practice T’ai Chi Ch’uan while the energy spirals up my spine.

I wander to Washington Boulevard and cut through the alley without purpose or destination.  I have no money; my psyche hangs on one theme: women.

Archeologist Ignores Disembodied Call of Subterranean Old Ones

Arkham, MA - When a mysterious summons ebbed from a newly formed fissure in the Earth’s crust, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Boutique, decided, in his own words, to “give it a miss”. The aged archeologist felt that climbing through the nethermost caverns to the ancient tomb of Yog-Sothoth in the heart of the deep-frozen city “just sounded like a bad idea.”  Hogbein asserts that the huge sinkhole formed in his backyard shortly after poring over a grimoire known only as the Necronomicon.  A tentacled god-like beast from unknown Kadath then psychically reached across the void and asked Hogbien if he wouldn’t mind tearing out his own throat and bringing him the ancient text, in no particular order. Hogbein reportedly apologized for any inconvenience, but denied the request on the grounds that he really needed to do some laundry and get to the bank that day. 

“I don’t know why anyone would wade down through the subterranean Black Lake of Ubboth when there are perfectly reasonable things to do around the house,” said Hogbien.  “Some people take this archeology thing a bit too far.” Although, to be polite, he did tell the monstrous inter-dimensional entity, “maybe next time.”

According to Hogbien the hole has since resealed itself.

When asked if he had any regrets about not climbing into what might have been the archeological discovery of a lifetime, Hogbien replied, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book The Enlightened Mind on Crack at the end of the chapter entitled The Tao of Skull Fucking, what exactly are the Booty Sutras? I can not find any references to them anywhere.

Elsa Potter

Salinas, CA



Dear Elsa,

I don’t even remember that book. I was on crack; what part of that don’t you understand, Elsa?

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Lost Mojitos of Mesoamerica and, first off, what the heck is an Aikido Hummer?  Second, you say that you have a strong affinity for the Hopi Indians, yet you condone some very antithethical views such as secret prisons, enhanced interrogation techniques, and even torture.

Ellen Frazier

Billings, Mt



Dear Ellen,

Torture? You are confusing information from my chapter on ‘things I like to do to women’.  The Hopi have influenced my work in other ways. For instance, their peyote is primo.  Oh, and an Aikido Hummer should never be tried outside of one of my Midget Reiki sessions.  I make people sign a waiver and everything.  It’s the everything part that usually results in therapy.

Hopi this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale and I must admit to some confusion.  I normally like stream of consciousness stuff, but what is Midget Reiki, who exactly are the Jersey Chuds, and why do you spend weeks at a time in a bar room toilet trying to contact the Malt Liquor Gods?

Sincerely,

Michael Raney

Hagerstown, MD



Dear Michael,

Indeed, I call that style Manic-Binge writing.

First off, Midget Reiki is only for the adept.  A better place to start would be at one of my Yoga Parties. Yo-ga!  Yo-ga!

The Jersey Chuds are minions of the Chaos Pigeons; those feathery adversaries to all that is sacred.   Mick Zano and Dr. Sterling Hogbein have written extensively about them. I would recommend their works, but, as a rule I only plug my own books.

As for your third question: a Shaman’s job is to become in-tune with energies constantly percolating on the energetic plane and then alter those energies prior to their manifestation back here on the earthly plane.  I drink malt liquor products and frequent the men’s room in hopes of one day harnessing the energy of the sacred beer fart (See Fartori Experience). I believe these energies will one day power the unfolding Universe itself.  Pokey McDooris is single-colonly pushing this particular boundary.  What he can do with a burrito and forty ounces of Big Jug Xtra Malt Liquor is legendary.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard through the grapevine you were in a fire of some sort?  Are you OK?

Stanley Milton

Harrisburg, PA



Dear Stanley,

No big deal.  I made a slight alchemical miscalculation and my crystal yoga lab exploded.  Luckily, I was wearing my girlfriend at the time. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Thou Shart That?

Taos, NM - Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, admits his recent version of The Bhagavad Gita contained one all important mistranslation.  Typically the Vedic words Tat tvam asi mean “thou art that.”  Dr. Hogbein, admittedly inebriated at the time, inserted an erroneous word creating the phrase “Tat tvam paikhana,” which roughly translates as: “Thou Art Loose Stool.”

Dr. Hogbein further complicated his mistake by repeatedly referring to Brahman, the godhead of Hindu mythology, as the great ‘paikhana-head.’ This blasphemy set off a veritable paikhana storm across parts of the already bitchy Indus Valley region.

One reader warned that any further affronts to Krishna and the “paikhana would really hit the palm frond.”

Hogbein defended his actions by adding “paikhana happens,” and then mooned the press to punctuate his point.

The aged archeologist has cancelled his upcoming conference in Paikhanastan for obvious reasons.

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Separation of State and Church
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I am floored at how this country touts its "freedom of religion" and how it claims to separate church and state. The truth is, these days you really only have freedom of religion if you are a member of one of several main-stream Christian religions, or to a lesser extent Judaism. And then the only reason that you have such freedom of religion is because you already agree with the laws in play. If you are a devotee of, oh lets say Voodoo, you are screwed, Dude. This article is going to sound a lot like the Crank Manifesto, but this shit is really PISSING ME OFF!

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

While searching for deeper shamanic states, I seem to only experience manic depressive states.  I hear voices and see shadows during the height of these manic phases.  Am I getting close?

Nancy O’Leary

Erie, PA



Dear Nancy,

Getting close?  Getting Clozaril is more like it.  Look, try harnessing your manic phases by pushing your creativity into higher vibrational frequencies, and then ask your doctor if an inpatient psych stay is right for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With society collapsing, and all, some believe this is an ideal time to embrace the dharma.  All this fear is only increasing my beer consumption.  You seemed to have reconciled fear and beer.  What’s your secret? 

Tim Ferrence



Dear Tim,

To transcend the Wheel of Samsara, you must embrace many Zen-like contradictions and still make it back for happy hour. Read my latest work: Turn to Face the Great Mystery without Pissing on Your Shoes.  Read this a hundred times, if necessary.  Not the same book, mind you.  Purchase a hundred copies.  Each of my books should only be read once, but many readings are necessary to both transcend this world and to help me fend off the rent spirits.  I have explained to my landlady that I follow the Mayan calendar, so my rent should not be due until the Feathered Serpent ascends the great pyramid.  This argument has thus far failed to have the desired effect.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are those half eaten Buffalo wings hanging around your neck?

Jackson Mitchell

San Diego, CA



Dear Jackson,

Only our oldest legends speak of a time when the mythical Buffalo could take flight across the...  All right, all right, Papa John’s Sherlock. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t understand the Chakra system.  Wasn’t Chakra just that monkey boy from the Land of the Lost?  Or is there more to it?

Sammy Vimes

Seattle, WA



Dear Sammy,

Yes and No. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are obviously a gifted writer, but what was your first book ever?  I want to hear more about your early period.  You know, when you were a struggling artist trying to find yourself.  What was the motivation behind your urge to become a shaman?

Lance Parker

Troy, NY



Dear Lance,

My interest in healing came from a divine hormonal calling, which began with a vision of that chick from Weird Science in a Catwoman costume.  My first book captures the true essence of my desire for self-mastery: What is Enlightenment and Will It Get Me Laid?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are such a prolific writer, where do you recommend beginning?  Reading your work out of order, well, it just loses something. 

Sincerely,

Jake Schmidt

Reno, NV



Dear Jake,

I wrote my first book during my ‘long night of the soul,’ which I called Bernie.  At the heart of my pre-enlightened period, I wrote my first book:  Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t.  I wrote this before I was a Shaman, but after my period.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Discord Horoscope

Aries (March 21-Aril 19) Your Hyundai will explode leaving a better handling black thing in your driveway. Bad week to eat licorice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You will be controlled by aliens from Rigel 4. They will make you act out the funnier American Idol episodes.

Gemini (March 21-Aril 19) Avoid dangling midgets.

See All 10...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book entitled Ten Spiritual Lessons for Drunken Clubbies, and I found it stunningly demeaning to women.

Sincerely,

Flo Petersen

Portsmouth, NH



Dear Flo,

If you think that was bad, you might want to stay away from the second book in my women studies series entitled Battery Operated Vibrational Healing. Just a word to the wise.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ghetto Shaman,

When you said you had ‘private healing sessions,’ I thought you meant you had a secluded workshop or something.  You sick bastard!  I feel so dirty.

I’m suing your ass!

Kristin



Dear Kristin,

All things done to your privates were done in the line of duty—except maybe the part with the snorkel.  Besides, I have no fear of lawsuits, young lady.  I answer to a higher authority…the Lycoming County Parole Board. 

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman.

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Rethinking Traditionalism or Putting the ‘Fun’ Back Into Fundamentalism
By Pokey McDooris

We progressives have long ago left behind the old world of our parents and grandparents. Instead of going to church, we meditate. Instead of grace before our dinners, we slap high-fives before pizza and chips in front of the TV.  Instead of courting our next wife, we impregnate drunken clubbies and later have them assassinated by remote control.  

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics?  Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke



Dear Kevin,

Indeed.  There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn’t…like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How can I become a Shamen?  I really don’t like pain and I have asthma real bad.  Will that be a problem?

Sincerely,

Tim Lions

Seattle, WA



Dear Tim,

First off, to become a Shaman one must learn how to fucking spell Shaman!  You spelled it right in my name, dipshit.  I am feeling generous today.  Since I am a healer, just send me twenty dollars and I will make you a Shaman. Send me twenty more and I’ll see about your asthma. Oh, and if the check should bounce, just remember that my friends are ancient Mayan gods.

The Ghetto Shaman

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A Brief History of Anything
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

How do I condense forty years of life-knowledge into a single Discord column?   OK, more accurately, how do I fill the whole column?  After four decades, I find myself knowing suspiciously little—masters level little—on-line masters level little (or OLMLL to those who can still tolerate our lousy acronym jokes).  Whereas I have predicted many recent political events—or more accurately, their horrific ramifications—I hardly think it took much insight.  I’ve never felt smarter than any U.S. president, until now.  But thanks anyway, W, for playing your own small part in the boosting of my self esteem.  Granted, it’s at the cost of the American way of life, but che sara.  In fact, Che Guevara for all I care.

Top 10 things I learned at college
  • 10. Sincerity – I am a one girl man, Kim
  • 9. Diplomacy— It got me out of bar fights with men called Psycho.
  • 8. Persuasion – Helped me to get others to type, research, and edit my term papers.
See All 10...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want my money back.  I recently purchased your self-published work, Coricidin: Consciousness and Condoms, and, well, it wasn’t what I expected.

Sincerely,

Lee Stickle



Dear Lee.

I never refund anything for anyone, but I do urge you to purchase, at a reduced cost, my latest work The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When contacting the spirit realms, should I first put a teaspoon of the lye crystals into the bottle of ephedrine and then agitate?

Sincerely,

Fabio 6



Dear Fabio 6,

No, no.  Dude! Stop! You can’t make ayahuasca, man.  You’re making methamphetamine!  In which case you should use only an eighth of a teaspoon of lye crystals.  Meth is usually snorted or injected but, for a more authentic ayahuasca experience, try dissolving it in a rancid birch beer while gnawing on a stick.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My ayahuasca connection is currently a prisoner of the Rehab Gods. Since you are known for your alternative and more affordable tripping techniques, do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Smokin’ Joe



Dear Smokin’ Joe,

Try Nutmeg, Robitusin DM, and Mad Dog 20/20 (preferably banana red).  Remember to focus all of your energies on the Dharma and the Greg. Ah, and don’t forget—911 for all emergencies.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Who’s Looking Out for “True”?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

How do we really know what’s going on?  Truth seems harder to find than an Obama supporter on the Appalachian Trail.  These days, how can anyone parse out the truth in politics, culture, or even science?  Yes, even science is suspect.

Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia?
Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia? Mafia responds by cutting off all locatelli cheese supplies to Vatican City
Mafia responds by cutting off all locatelli cheese supplies to Vatican City
 
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Atheism Is Dead: Don’t Believe the Unbelievers
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Pinning down your logical fallacies, Zano, is like playing Whack-a-Mole with a Q-tip, on acid, while surfin’ the web on an outdated Blackberry, while trying to sign up for Obamacare—early on in the enrollment period—and throw in some more acid...but worse.

Pope
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Last month, Pope Francis shocked the world of Christianity by stating the concept of hell was merely a metaphor for being separated from God's love and was not an actual place where sinners burned in eternal damnation, hosted by the little red guy with the horns and the pitchfork. Yesterday, the Pope had this to say:

In Rare Show of Force Zeus Blasts Jesus
In Rare Show of Force Zeus Blasts Jesus

Rio de Janeiro, BZ—As Thor raised his giant war hammer, Zeus said, "Hold on, my Norse brother, I have a better idea." A few seconds later the air over Rio de Janeiro was ionized with dancing streams of electricity. The discharge blew Christ’s fingertips off and reduced them to a spray of soapstone shards that rained down onto the city below like brimstone.

Jesus minced no parables, "I’m shocked. For the first time ever I used my own name in vain. I had lighting rods installed to prevent this sort of thing. And, let me tell you, that procedure made me long for a good crucifixion."

When asked if Jesus holds any grudges, Jesus said, "Christ the Redeemer or not, Mount Olympus is going down. My father usually works with volcanos or floods, which won’t work on a sky city, but...hey...you know what would be great? I’m just thinking out loud here, have Olympus fall right onto Putin’s Olympics. Kill em’ all and let dad sort em’ out. Let the games begin!"

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Three Wise Men, Two Shepherds, One Camel Arrested for Crimes Against Secularism
Three Wise Men, Two Shepherds, One Camel Arrested For Crimes Against Secularism

San Francisco, CA—Chaos erupted Christmas Day amidst a live nativity scene as a number of people and animals alike were arrested by liberal activists. All of the participants in the reenactment of Jesus’s birth in Golden Gate Park were charged and detained for crimes against secularism. One wise man received a black eye during his arrest and a camel later asked The Discord, "Can you post this on Wednesday? I’ll explain later."

"This isn’t the stone age," said one eye witness. "The messiah needs to be born in a proper hospital with the mother under general anesthesia. Besides, the whole thing was set up less than a block from a government building, which clearly blurs the line of church state."

Republican types believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas. Senator Nancy Pelosi (D) was quick to counter. "Due to sequester cuts the nativity scene was grossly under secured, so don’t go there."

Barack Obama is denying allegations that the nativity participants were water boarded at Guantanamo Bay. "Nonsense," said Obama. "We did the deed over at the nearby naval base in Alameda. It is hoped our actions will allow countless atheists to sleep-in this Sunday, and we also knocked some frankincense into that one fella’. Wise man? More like wise ass."

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Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
 
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Pope Accused of Spying on God
Pope Accused of Spying on God

Washington, DC—The White House believes it has obtained solid intelligence indicating that the Pope is spying on God. These revelations come on the heels of allegations that the U.S. is now spying on the Pope. "Yes, we are spying on His Holiness," said President Obama, "but only because we have evidence that points directly to his wrongdoings. If Pope Francis is listening to God’s deepest thoughts and wishes, without his consent, it is a breach of trust unparalleled in human history."

The White House maintains that communicating with God when he is aware is standard Papal operating procedure (SPOP). According to recorded NSA conversations, however, this new Pope is listening in without God’s consent.

Do God’s latest revelations merit another tablet? "DID YOU SEE THAT LAST COLBERT TWEET? ROTFLMAO" and, "I’M NOT GOING BACK TO THE BLOODY SAFEWAY TODAY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? I’M GOD?" and finally, "IF I HAVE TO ATTEND ONE MORE TEA PARTY MEETUP GROUP, I SWEAR I’LL GO ALL SODOM-AND-GOMORRHA ON THEIR ASSES."

President Obama added, "It is imperative we know when the 2nd coming is coming. Homeland Security is not going to stand idly by as a sizable percentage of our citizens up and vanish. And the rapture is expected to negatively impact ten times more Democratic districts. Dems could lose the Senate and the White House, not to mention the cost associated with locust pest control."

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New DSM-V Adds Religion As a Funde-Mental Disorder
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The authors of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel for psychiatry, which provides summaries and outlines for all mental illnesses, added religion to its Axis-II category. This area was originally dedicated exclusively to sociopaths like Hannibal Lechter, or histrionic-types like CNN’s Nancy Grace.

So What If I Pissed Off Parapsychologist Dean Radin?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dean Radin is about the most prominent parapsychologist on the planet. But as the head of the Discord’s Elite Para-Abnormal Research Team (DEPART), I pack some serious blog clout myself. We had nearly a dozen page views yesterday. But I’ll let the readers decide who won this important impromptu iPhone exchange.

The Horny Goat Weed Question
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed?  Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east.  In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time).  On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed".  Below were the words "Proven Effective".  Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch.  What the heck?  I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items.  Who is?  But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed?

I Don't Always Invent Obama Scandals
I Don't Always Invent Obama Scandals, But when I do the IRS audits ME!
But when I do the IRS audits ME!
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think skullfucking is in any way a contribution to the new age movement. What is your real claim to fame, oh inappropriate one?

Walter



Dear Walter,

I am the first medicine man to point out how peeing is the perfect time to meditate. Read my Zen and the Art of Urinating. It makes for perfect bathroom material.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Space For Sale
Pierce X. Winslow

Space for Sale,

The Ghetto Shaman column is available for anyone who can send funny material to me in a timely manner. I don’t care what his excuse is this time, I don’t care if he lost his fifth grandmother, again, or his parole officer has more stipulations, or he's on another Mad Dog vision quest. I am washing my hands of that new age miscreant!

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. Send me the goods now, Shaman, or you’ll never work in this virtual town again!

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Alex Bone’s Get Poor Quick Scheme
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Flagstaff, AZ (aka, Poverty with a View)—Most people in America and the majority of the rest of the world are striving to be rich, but they’re overlooking the truly wonderful advantages of being flat broke. For instance, you will have more free time because your schedule will not be bogged down with things like trips, vacations, shopping, or eating. Things like gaining too much weight—no problem. And no one will ever asks you to borrow money! Hell, they won’t even ask you to babysit for fear you might eat their children.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started my teen years smoking lots of pot, but then I heard methamphetamine can enhance your sexual prowess. But now after using meth for several years I can’t seem to get a date. Don’t chicks no how cool meth is?

Scabby and Toothless



Dear S & T,

Anything in excess can be counterproductive, young grass-smoker. Try mixing things up with some crack.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and chicks no how to spell know.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spawning? Should they name the baby Taylor?

Vanessa



Dear Vanessa,

Ha ha ha. What’s the opposite of LOL?  OLO? Actually, the baby is mine, because right before Kanye climaxed I jumped in and said, "I’m really happy for you, I’m a let you finish, but Beyonce said I am one of the best in the sack of all time!"

Sincerely,

The Ghetto "of all time!" Shaman

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The Shroud Of The Dirty War Has Fallen...
The Shroud Of The Dirty War Has Fallen...Begun The Pope War Has!
Begun The Pope War Has!
 
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Vatican Bought By Target
Vatican Bought By Target

Vatican City—In a stunning turn of events, the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis did not pass his background check. The Vatican Human Resources department was quick to blame the error on an intern. Unable to name a new Pope, the Vatican has decided to close its doors forever. An American retail company, Target Corporation, is finalizing a deal to purchase the Vatican directly from God. According to the locum Pope, Cardinal Pompous IV, a series of sales will soon be in place to purchase all kinds of Catholic memorabilia. The Vatican, in conjunction with a new e-commerce business known as PayPope, will allow direct online sales for all of your papal crapal needs.

Pompous IV told reporters, "There are full warehouses that must go! We have Pope remains beatified and mummified for your protection. You could get Peter. You could get Paul. So come on down. Hell, some of us even think we’re going to find Jesus himself in one of these crates! Won’t that be a surprise?"

The faithful are conflicted about recent events. One woman from Monterey said, "I really don’t want to see the utter collapse of the Catholic Church, but if the Ark of the Covenant shows up on eBay, well, holy shit is right!"

In the coming days so many historic answers may be revealed, as the most sacred regalia is only broken out for the annual Blood of Christ party. "Yeah, we don’t know what most of this shit is," said P-Dog IV. "We only know it’s really old and makes for a great dress up day."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book The Power of Now, Bitches and it’s the same title as Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now.  You just added the word "bitches" at the end.  Is there no limit to your audacity?

S. Latte



Dear S,

Nope…besides, I also added the comma.  It didn’t get there by itself.  If you want to see where I really rip off Tolle, read my masterpiece When Stillness Spews.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics? Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke



Dear Kevin,

Indeed. There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn't...like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!
Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!

Vatican City—In conjunction with God, the Daily Discord is offering cash, cars, and sexual favors (missionary style only) for the person who comes the closest to guessing the upcoming last tweet of his Holiness the Pope. Pope Benedict the whatshisface is bowing down and this time with no ill intentions toward children. He is planning his farewell tweet on February 28th, but here are the rules. The Discord staff gets to go first, which can be translated roughly as the rest of you don’t stand a chance, or in Latin, "Vos autem nolite stare liceator!" If you still want to play, just submit your Pope tweet by hitting our contact button or this groovy hyperlink here. Oh, and did we mention all submissions must be in Latin?


Pierce X. Winslow
@PierceWinslow
Cum Sinite parvulos ad me. Oh, dixi quod ex magna? (Suffer the little children to cum on me. Oh, did I say that out loud?)
9:26 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

Mick Zano
@mzzano
Iam operor ego adepto keys ut Pope Mobile? (Now do I get the keys to the Pope Mobile?)
9:32 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
0 Retweets 0 Favorites

Erisa Brahe
@erisaBrahe
Quamdiu omnibus gratias ichthys! (So long, and thanks for all the Jesus fish.)
9:48 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
5 Retweets 3 Favorites

The Crank
@theCrank
Ego teneo tamen haud one....NO UNUS pulsatus leviculus hat! (I know I’m stepping down, but no one....NO ONE touches the silly hat!)
9:55 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
7 Retweets 2 Favorites

The Ghetto Shaman
@ghettoShaman
Videre vos post, Bitches! Viva las Vegas! (See you later, Bitches!  I'm going to Vegas.)
10:03 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
6548 Retweets 2569 Favorites

Sandra Day O'Connor
@sandyOConnor
That was a lifetime appointment! Quitter! (Sorry, Sandra, Latin submissions only)
10:20 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
10 Retweets 6 Favorites
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Pope Incinerates Hundreds During Last Public Appearance
Pope Incinerates Hundreds During Last Public Appearance, Final words: "I will watch Rubio's career with great interest"
Final words: "I will watch Rubio's career with great interest"
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think about Chuck Hagel’s nomination for Secretary of Defense?

Wyatt



Dear Wyatt,

I endorsed and supported Thor, the God of Thunder. I’m old school.

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I do support the Discord’s nomination of Martha Stewart as the Secretary of the Interior. What she can do with curtains and a few throw pillows...

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What did you think of the movie Django? I think violence is too prevalent in our society and we really need to watch how things are projected through our shadow selves.

Why Z

Dear Why Z,

I loved that movie! That was the one where the little lizard is chased by the hawk through the desert, right? It was a little too violent for me too and it earned it's PG rating. I liked that armadillo, Roadkill. I don't remember any shadow elves but I was chugging malt liquor products at the time. Hey, how else was I going to drown out the sound of those little shits in front of me?

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Instead of my usual column, I thought this correspondence between our CEO and some spammer was enlightening:

Hi,

I'm XXXXXXXX, and I blog at XXXXXXXX I'm wondering if I can offer a guest post to your site? I'm thinking of writing about "How to Improve Your Credit Rating," as I think this post might be useful for your visitors.

What do you think? Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.

Have a great week and thanks in advance.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX



Dear Blackened Rectangle,

Thank you for the offer, but have you actually read our site? I don't think that our visitors would trust us with financial advice. Now the Ghetto Shaman commenting on how to trash your credit rating through alcohol, drugs and Thai hookers, maybe. Thanks again for your interest!

Pierce X. Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
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Catitude: The Cat's Domestication of Mankind
By The Crank
The Crank

I have cats, two. One is a fat old, crotchety female. The other, male, is a one-year-old walking bag of shedding-fur. I like cats, for one main reason: Steven Hawking couldn’t find the infinitesimal shit they give about anything. I love that. If I wanted some smelly drooly stupid animal to act as if it were a new appendage, I would get a dog. Dogs are for people who need that unconditional love. It’s like living with a two year old for twenty years. No thanx. Bad enough I have to deal with Zano visiting now and again.

A-Crock-O-Shit Now
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

What the hell happened? NOTHING happened, that's what happened. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what a boring apocalypse. With all the hype that's been building up, you'd think the show would be a little better. But no, it was just another Friday night in Flagstaff. There weren't even any good bands downtown!

Apocalypse Fail Leaves Discord Material-less
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21st turned out so lame. "We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris," said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. "It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality," said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, "The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit."

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. "The well is dry," said Winlsow. "We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah."

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, "It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp."

McGrath went on to explain, "Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you do soul retrievals? Are you like a full on, balls to the walls shamanic healer, or do you ever break down and use western medicine?

Sandy Duncan



Dear I loved you in The Sound of Music,

Where to begin? I don’t do soul retrievals, but I do do bowl retrievals. You know, when it slips between the cushions of my couch when I'm getting zorked. And, yes, I do a lot of western medicine, unless I think my probation officer is around. But I do adamantly refuse to go to doctors. This is an integral part of my spiritual path and my shamanic tradition, so when something’s wrong with me physically I try to ignore it long enough for denial to set in. For instance, it's not burning as I pee right now, it’s simply the Mexican food I had last week.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or maybe I shouldn't have tried to fuck that tequila bottle.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I hope they don't pay you much. You don't seem to do a whole lot except put people down.

Henny



Dear Henny,

I am a spiritual guru, so I never put anyone down, asshole. Here's the thing, I don't get paid much, because our CEO is kind of a skin flint. I do get 10¢ per word and just answering your fool question is going to score me me me me me 40 oz of malty magic. Sorry, I was a coming up a little short this week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw this thing on the Discord where you auctioned off your virginity to charity. No offense, but who is going to believe you’re a virgin?

Madonna



Dear Madonna,

This might come as a shock to you, but, despite my best seller The Tao of Skullfucking, I have never been skullfucked.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. All proceeds will go to the Miley Cyrus BYOB Foundation.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where do you live? Were you impacted by Sandy?

Hopes and prayers,

Becca



Dear Becca,

I live under the Market Street Bridge and, yes, I was greatly impacted by Sandy. But she's not going to get a dime of that child support! And stop calling my parole officer, bitch! He knows you're full of shit!!

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

How come it says "updated Fridays" on your site, yet you never update anything until Saturday, if at all?

Roe



Dear Roe,

Dear Mr. Winslow (pretending to be someone named Roe),

Other than Miller time or Happy Hour, time is human bondage...and not the fun kind. Have you heard of Navajo Rez time? It's kind of like that for me, only i use a sundial that a friend of mine recently yuked on. I think it's half past pepperoni, so we should be good this week.

Sinoften,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who are you voting for in November?

Shirls



Dear Shirls,

I’m sticking to the person I have faithfully stood behind through thick and thin. I can, without hesitation, fully endorse—you heard it here first on The Daily Discord—Carrie Underwood. She will be American Idol’s winner of the 3rd annual American Country Awards. Mark my words!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I think the award ceremony is in December, not November.

Ask your question, bitch...
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You Are Trapped in an Invisible Chamber of Energy
You Are Trapped in an Invisible Chamber of Energy, Origin of the Jedi mime trick
Origin of the Jedi mime trick
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What's your sign? I'm having a party this weekend and wondering if you could enlighten me and my friends.

Michael

Dear Michael,

Umm, my sign is stop, dude! Actually, as a kleptosexual I'm really into that kind of thing, although i'd be more inclined to cum if your name was Michaela. Besides, I already have a previous engagment this weekend. I'm teaching a seminar on Cultural Incomptence at Carl's Pub...over by the cigarette machine.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto (I wish I was Latino so I could be president) Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Sidewalk Artist Hoax: Squats Near Real Sinkhole!
Sidewalk Artist Hoax: Squats Near Real Sinkhole! Dozens fall to their death with hilarious consequences
Dozens fall to their death with hilarious consequences
 
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If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. Jesus on holding in your farts
Jesus on holding in your farts
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

If you could raise one woman from the dead to sleep with, who would it be?

Sherwood Digger



Dear Freak,

Phyllis Diller

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Mr. Winslow is complaining this is too short this week, so Phyllis Ada Diller.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Most Shamans refer to their spiritual tutelage. You, on the other hand, are infinitely vague about your shamanic schooling and sordid past.

Sincerely,

Bob Frantzen

Albany, NY



Dear Bob,

Fine. I was first introduced to the plant intelligence under the guidance of my master, one Chief Bum-a-smoke Shitstorm, of the Kennedy-King Projects over in Newberry. I was initiated on Ibogaine substitute (possibly nutmeg) and ayahuasca substitute (possibly skunked malt-liquor). The plant spirits told me to quit my job, live on the streets, and teach my people. Thankfully, I was one step ahead of them…already fired, homeless, and quite verbose.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the Olympics? If so what was your favorite event? What games would you add?

Zeus from Athens



Dear Zeus,

You’re supposed to ask one question, not three, buuuut since you’re a God. Look, there’s some sort of cognitive disease associated with nationalism these days. It shouldn’t be true, but it is. You cheer for your country and the IQ points slide off like clothing on one of my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruises. I would watch the Olympics if they added Shamanic games like naked soul retrieval, astral belching, or long distance Reiki Robotripping.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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So You Want to Be a Bounty Hunter?
By Ertel
So You Want to Be a Bounty Hunter?
Ertel

Criminals and evildoers the world over: beware! Law abiding citizens: sleep soundly tonight knowing that in your neck-of-the-woods, local criminals (mostly the petty variety like vandals, jaywalkers, and internet pirates) will be taking a healthy dose of justice—justice served with a side-order of spit-talkin’ Dirty Harry style ‘plum mad dog mean’ true grit...I have absolutely no idea what that is even supposed to mean.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I kill my ego? What’s the fastest way? I’ve just been stumbling along the spiritual path.

Stumblin'



Dear Stumblin',

Sneak up behind a group of chicks talking about you. It killed mine in under forty seconds.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one Awaken the Shaman? I hear this a lot lately and would love to hear your take.

Wendy

Boise, ID



Dear Wendy,

Awakening the Shaman is key! You are very wise. I would approach by the feet or shins and gently nudge me while calling my name softly. Otherwise I wake up swinging. Trust me, you don't want that.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are there any Cliff Notes for enlightenment? Any shortcuts? I have read everything from Maharishi Mahesh, to Genpo Roshi, to Toltec friggin’ wisdom and I am in a spiritual wasteland, man! I’m not growing compassion, I’m growing old, I'm growing tired, I'm growing ulcers!

Gary



Dear Acid Reflux,

No one can do this for you, Gary. Gurus, meditations, the very Dharma itself can only point you in the direction. In my case that direction would be south. Try rereading chapter two of my Booty Sutras: The Sanctity of the Spank-titty. But If I tell you anymore I could actually hinder your spiritual growth. No, really, I will...

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have been desperately trying to engage in rough sex, but my boy toy is terribly concerned about harming me. I was thinking about safe words or maybe some good phrases. Do you have any ideas?

Sincerely,

Sub Missy



Dear S&M,

Your safe phrase should be, "I’m calling your probation officer!" and a good word might be "revocation!" Well, those were mine and they worked like a charm, until my sentence was reinstated May of 2007. I am sorry for your loss Mr. and Mrs. Wilkens. I'm just an excitable boy.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Of course, I had to come up with a completely new set for Bubba.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Are you a Serpent or a Rat? Take the Quiz of Yig!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Are you one with Yig, or will be cowering in the corner when the Earth comes under peril this December? Take Yig’s Stalwart quiz and see where you stand in the eyes of the All Father Serpent. Oh, but if you fail badly, you might be devoured.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is the recent rash of cannibalistic bath salt incidents the beginning of a zombie apocalypse?

Jeets



Dear Jeets,

Yes. Just prior to their arrival, the Mayan Gods often send the devourers to purge the world of flesh. You should probably prepare by purchasing Michael Griffith's novel Eternal Aftermath, wherever fine post-apocalyptic fiction is sold. The movie Motel Hell also covered the subject effectively, because remember it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Face...it’s what’s for dinner.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Aging: It May Be Fucked Up but Maybe Less So
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Age related decline is a phenomenon sweeping the nation. You may recognize this subtle foe to establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, "Sure, honey. I can pick that up from the store" quickly turns to..."Umm, why am I going to the store?" Other symptoms include: fumbling around for beers long since consumed, emphatic arguments with inanimate objects—typically of the malfunctioning variety—and accusations of moving items which have remained stationary for years...like, for example, your house.

Taken Outside Cokie McGrath's Place
Taken Outside Cokie McGrath's Place, She has that effect on frozen water particles
She has that effect on frozen water particles
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Dude,

I noticed a trend at the locker room that's quite startling. No, it wasn't my shocking lack of manhood. That is another topic entirely. I want to know about the latest crave sweeping the nation. Wait for it, manscaping!! I notice, not intentionally, but that other guys are trimming this shit back. I have to admit I have a situation going on down yonder. It’s like a wild, untamed bush beast. What should I do about this dick fro, bro?

Harry Testicles



Dear Harry,

Nair.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I recently sculpted a bonsai tree out of mine. Just don’t use garden shears. But if you do have a mishap, some universities will purchase your balls for cash! I’ve donated three myself. Woe...there goes another one. Good thing they grow back.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
By Mick Zano
Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
Mick Zano

Wow, nearly three of your fans got to watch you beat the Chicago Blackhawks this year—your first ever playoff series win since moving from Winni-friggin-peg. Wanna know why? The following is the comedy, the tragedy, and the horror that befell one Coyote fan, namely me, during the 2012 playoffs. Damn Mayans. The Hockey Gods frown on you Arizona! They will now probably relocate to Seattle or Hackensack...and who needs a team out in Hackensack? This post has been sent to NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman and to Captain Coyote, Shane Doan. They will respect my authoritay!

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stocks rally on news you're actually going to post something this week. In particular, crude really tumbles without your important voice.

Mick Zano



Dear Mick,

Yeah, for me it's always a bare market...until the police arrive. Sorry, i'm kind of behind on my fan mail. Some of us don't have the luxury of not getting any, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

BWTF? How come you don't post an update every Friday morning? Your boss is always making excuses for you. I think he's enabling your continued poor behaviors. Is this truly the way?

Yikes



Dear Yikes,

The Ghetto Shaman will not be posting this week, through no fault of his own, as the Shaman is often in a transcendal state (passed out). Besides, he answers nearly a question a week, a feverish pace. Also, once intoxicated, not only does he make contact with those higher realms, he also attracts those higher authorities, namely the police. I assure you he is very dedicated to the Daily Discord and remains one of our most consistent contributors (at least comparatively). He will be back to answer your questions next week...ish. You can't rush a Zen monk, nor can you rush a drunken monkey like the Ghetto Zenman.

CEO Pierce Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Things have changed as my husband has gotten older. I still want to have sex all the time but he’s satisfied with once or twice a week, at most. I’ve tried everything to peak his interest: midgets, swings, toys, swing toys, and manipulating toys in a swing with midgets. Nothing has worked! Shouldn’t my significant other do his husbandly duty? Isn’t he obligated to satisfy my every fantasy and whim? 24/7? Midgets sold separately.

Sixty Nine Sally (that’s not my age or my real name)



Dear 69S,

Yes.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I sent you my actual cell phone number in the reply email. Oh, and I always BYOM (Bring my Own Midget)

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Chief Seattle once said, "When the Earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear. When that happens, The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them."  I think we are closing in on that time period. Are you an activist? Are you an environmental warrior?

Running Bear



Dear Running Bear,

They used to call me Running Bare, but now it’s a felony. I am part of a complacent activist Buddhist group known as I am That, but not on weekends. And I do hang out with the Warriors of the Rainbow at the bar known as Peaches & Court. There we attempt to save the planet one drunken show tune at a time.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Pierce Winslow

The following is a public service announcement:

The Ghetto Shaman column has been cancelled this week due to unforeseen circumstances involving the police, Mad Dog 20/20, and some high grade nutmeg. The Shaman would still like to plug his latest books: Channel Your Aggression into Fast Cash! and the critically exclaimed The Shaman’s Gift and other STDs.

Stay tuned next week for the triumphant return of the Ghetto Shaman…or not.

Pierce Xavier Winslow

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Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.

Job Creator, Zeus, Angered with Obamacare Mandates
Job Creator, Zeus, Angered with Obamacare Mandates

Mt. Olympus—The Greek God, Zeus, is highly displeased with the Obama Administration’s arrogance. "How dare he force my hand on this, especially considering the sheer number of lightning bolts I’m typically palming at any given moment."

Zeus feels some of the Obamacare mandates are in direct contradiction to his own belief system.

"You can’t expect me to pay for operations that defy Greek mythological principles," said Zeus. His chief complaint involves Obamacare forcing him to buy insurance that includes amputation procedures. Zeus believes such amputations would forever disqualify the dead from crossing the River Styx into Hades. "If a person is missing a body part, Charon, the Ferryman, will throw them right out of the boat!" said Zeus. "Is it better to save an arm and spend eternity in limbo or Tartarus? Mortal fools! Obama is forcing this down my throat and I happen to know a thing or two about that. Just ask my father, Cronus."

Zeus employs over 17,000 mortals but maintains he is only sleeping with the female ones. Zeus is now threatening to burn the White House to the ground unless an amicable compromise can be reached. When asked if he is jumping on the recent Christian bandwagon against Obamacare, Zeus replied, "Don’t conflate issues. Those people hold some strange beliefs."

In related news, Zeus claimed the life of another golfer in California. "I f*&^ing hate golf," said Zeus.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your show All Things Discouraged doesn't resonate much with many of the common premises and assumptions of the New Age Movement. And by "doesn't resonate much", I mean none. Your collective work is pretty much one colossal cosmic contradiction. And when I say "pretty much", I mean totally. And what do you mean by the Dry Hump Sutras?

Terrence



Dear Terrence,

This is as good a time as any to announce this: I will no longer be hosting All things Discouraged. Instead we are happy to introduce Spiritual Questions, Inappropriate Answers. Now to your question: much of the dharma is focused on paradoxes, not contradictions or even contraindications. Speaking of which, I just realized Percocets, Xanax, scotch, and more scotch is also apparently contraindi...............

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Lemme' Teech U Sumpin', G-H-E-T-T-O. Shaman spelled backwards is Na Mahs, loosely translated from the Sanskrit-Pictish means NO MAS. Hang up yo' diaper, 'cuz yo schtick is gettin' stale. Listen dude, I am a longtime fan. You need to start sellin' sum T-Shirts or sumpin'. Bring back the Juice! By the way, you STILL owe me $20, bitch.
'Lil Trump.

Uoldhaunts, PA



Dear ‘Lil Trump,

Twenty dollar make you holler! I spent your twenty in Thailand, but I swear that boy was at least sixteen. You have to be more specific. I owe a lot of people money. When we do sell T-shirts I will send you one, in lieu of the twenty.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I have a copyright on bitch, bitch...and a prescription for penicillin.

Ask your question, bitch...
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The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a lesbian and my partner is insisting I where protection. Please instruct?

Monica



Dear Monica,

Just visit GladiatorLesbians.com. I believe they have a virtual mall.

Sincerely,

Can I have your number?

Ask your question, bitch...
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God Denies Existence of Christopher Hitchens
God Denies Existence of Christopher Hitchens

Heaven—Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, Christopher Hitchens refused to put down his scotch when addressing St. Peter and sized up the holy gatekeeper with an intense glare.  He then announced that he was mortified about the prospect of an afterlife, adding, "Oh, and I should warn you, I only drink Harp, I don’t play them."

St. Peter then explained to Mr. Hitchens that he did not appear on any of his lists, which is "quite impossible."

Before wandering off, Mr. Hitchens made a gesture that greatly upset the Saint and called him a glorified toll bridge worker.

God is now completely denying the existence of the short, rude little man, or his unscheduled appearance at the Pearly Gates. "We have no record of him and if the word omnipotent means anything at all to you people, the matter should be considered settled. Besides," continued God, "…a hawkish foreign policy advocate who can think his way out of a paper bag? Preposterous." God then named every Republican in the United States to prove his point and called it a night.

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A Memorable Cranksgiving
By The Crank
A Memorable Cranksgiving
The Crank

Living on the surface of the Sun (aka, Phoenix) does have its benefits. One, you never have to travel to see fambly. They will always come to see you. Let’s see, 19 degrees and snow in New Yawk, or 70 and sunny in AZ. Hmmm.

Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

Dear Cokie,

I need help with a situation. There’s a guy I like at work. He’s the total package…overweight, middle-aged, total alcoholic, and married! Did I mention he’s flatulent? Can you suggest ways that I can snag this fine figure of a man?

Chubby Chaser



Dear Chubby Hubby Chaser,

It’s important to take this in stages. First, invite that stud-muffin on a vacation. If his wife inquires about the trip, toss around words like "work related" and "platonic". If that doesn’t work, extend an invitation for a red-hot threesome in another state. Either way, this is sure to be a success, in a domestic violence, restraining order kind of way. If all other methods fail, it’s best to go rogue. For more information on Going Rogue, try Sarah Palin’s book of the same name.

Cokie McGrath 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Life Coach Cokie: On Social Site Bombing
Cokie McGrath

Don’t worry. The Ghetto Shaman will be back next week. Mr. Winslow doesn’t always get his bail money to him in a timely fashion.

Turning social sites against their owner is an art form. First, be sure to get your target drunk and then gain access to all of his or her social sites. For this little experiment, I used friend and fellow Discordian, Zick Mano. When he went to the bathroom, I friended all of his subordinates, who he would never normally friend, and then proceeded to fire them all. (Now be quick about it, as time is of the essence).

Then when he returned, I talked him into searching and friending a bunch of his ex-girlfriends (lawyers, porn stars, lawyer-porn stars!). Then, when he went back to the bathroom (this is where it’s important to keep the drinks flowing), simply invite all of them for threesomes in a variety of exotic locations. You can invite midgets, politicians, cartoon characters, whomever. Get creative with it. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.

Mick’s exs are funny! One of them even threatened a restraining order. Good times. Be warned, I never recommend drunken self social site debauchery (DSSSB), but when you successfully target a friend, it’s pure entertainment. Keep in mind, these activities can damage friendships, careers, even marriages, but thankfully not your own.

Cokie McGrath

Ask any question and I will answer! At least until the Shaman gets bailed out, of course.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I'm single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter



Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is Cokie McGrath single?

Dave Atsals

Discord Contributor



Dear Dave,

She’s a coworker, Dave! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Cokie is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes her do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo deleting that video he sent me….Tomorrow.  Really, tomorrow.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Kidding, she likes chicks. I am soooo deleting that video she sent me. Tomorrow, really.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Living in Gratitude, Mother Fuckers and…that’s all.

Bob



Dear Bob,

I know, I know, sometimes words can’t describe the ineffable beauty of my writing...mother fucker.

Respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you have any clue how our elders passed down the knowledge, myth, and the very essence of each and every important culture throughout Mother Earth’s dynamic history.  You have missed some important lessons, Shaman.  

Shonto

Dear Shonto,

Nonsense, I have simply given new meaning to the words ‘long oral tradition.’ 

The Ghetto Cialis

P.S. And is that a totem in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you hear?  Archeologists have discovered ancient sperm in the eye sockets of some Brazilian crystal skulls.  Is this further proof of your Tao of Skull Fucking? Or are the natives just gnawing on too many roots?

Okie4



Dear Okie4,

A rare person who understands my work!   You speak of the Legend of Crystal Skull Humpers.   I think my next book Indiana Jonesing and the Temple of Spooge will vindicate my theory, or put me back in jail. I’m sure it’s one of the two. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...