| Watching the Recording Industry Shit on Me since the F-ing 60s |
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| By The Crank |
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The hysterical lawsuit letter you are about to read is very real, but let’s begin our tale here: in the late sixties, my earliest memories of recorded music involved 45s and albums on an ancient record player, one that my tech savvy brother-in-law managed to hook up to my brother’s accordion amp. Mono Led Zeppelin, lots of bass, who wus better’n me?
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| Top 10: The Best Guinness in Las Vegas Revealed! |
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| By Mick Zano |
This post is over two years in the making, but only because I just learned how to use Word. It took longer for Bald Tony and I to complete this arduous Irish/Vegas pubcrawl than it took Frodo and Sam to journey to Mordor. Granted, we would have remained at the Green Dragon until the orcs razed the place, but, who knows, maybe Sauron would have kept us on as Middle-Earth beer tasters? Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Yes Mr. Winslow, I just compared you to a dark sorcerer, but in a good way…really. Oh, on that note, I’ve just released a Nazgul toward Barad dur with our receipts.
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| Another One Bites the Dust |
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| By Bald Tony |
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After reluctantly accepting some forms of technology, it looks like another of my old school habits will soon be gone. To put this tale into context, I still own one of those tripod cameras with the dark cloak you throw over your head. OK, maybe not. But I bought some 35mm film recently, which was pretty easy and inexpensive, but getting it developed…not so much.
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| Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors |
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010. After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.
"The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance," stated CEO Pierce Winslow.
Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman. The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has "since been fired," added Winslow.
"We are happy to have won the foam finger," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing jerks for the last two years."
The Crank told reporters, "I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!" Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences.
"This is an amazing accomplishment," said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony. "I am just surprised this is the first year we won."
Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.
"It’s about going to Tahoe," added Tony. "I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?"
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| Attack of the Barbizons: Everyone Gets a Trophy, I get a Bill |
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| By Mick Zano |
Nowhere, AZ—So, unbeknownst to me, my daughter fills out this Barbizon form in school and she gets this phone call yesterday to come down to their studio for a free interview. This meeting is Sunday morning, which is normally our church time. OK, really it’s Fareed Zakaria: GPS time, over on CNN, which is a religious experience in its own right. Forgive me Fareed for I have blogged.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dearest Ghetto Shaman,
My apologies, but I must disengage from our relationship. My Laurel is withering in the canyon from your lack of attention. Without your spiritual enrichment to fertilize my canyon, I must find satisfaction elsewhere. I am moving to Vegas, perhaps Bald Tony's Rhythmic Séance (BTRS) can bring forth the Genie in my bottle.
A regretful goodbye, your "little flower".
Laurel Canyon
Dear Laurel,
Hey, I may not be the sharpest shaman in the sweat lodge, but I think your email is a tad suggestive. Sorry, but that was all just pillow talk, baby. You still have an open invitation to hit my contact button any time.
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Just not tonight, I’ll be masturbating to Christine O’Donnell ads
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| The Discord’s Para Abnormal Research Team vs. Haunted Jerome |
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| By Mick Zano |
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Yours truly and Vegas’ great, Bald Tony, headed out for some ghost hunting adventures last weekend. The town of Jerome, AZ, has survived mine explosions, three major fires, and the reign of Governor Janet Brewer. This town and my old college party house have a lot in common. Incidentally, Janet was barred from The Havoc House my sophomore year. I remember it pained me at the time…having to throw out someone named Brewer.
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| The Heart Attack Grill Charged with Assisted Suicide: No Charge, Cash Only |
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| By Bald Tony |
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With the spring breakers getting on my nerves, and the International Meeting of Procrastinators (IMP) postponed yet again, late March seemed as good a time as any to take a break from transporting strangers around in a Las Vegas taxi. So, I drove two of my friends to Phoenix for WrestleMania 26, or WrestleMania XXVI as it was known in Roman times. Even though I’m a much bigger fan of old school pro-wrestling than today’s version, WM is still a damn fun event. Besides, I’ve lived in Las Vegas almost 14 years and had yet to make it to Phoenix. It only seems fair I should spend some money there, since so many Phoenicians tip me on a daily basis.
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| Porn Free: One Cabby’s Vegas Tail |
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| By Bald Tony |
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Having hardly adjusted to the premature dismantling of the roving stripper mobile, Las Vegas is dealt yet another serious blow. I’m not talking about Obama’s gaffe: I, the Great Bald One, can no longer support the porn industry, or the people who attend these adult entertainment expos. It all started when the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, insisted I attend the annual AEE at The Sands Expo Center. Normally you would never find me anywhere near such smut, unless I have a roll of singles. Luckily, as a cabby...
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| The Danger and Intrigue of Live Girl Billboards: Turning Road Rage into Road Raging Hard Ons |
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| By Bald Tony |
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This short lived mobile meat phenomenon brought new meaning to the phrase Las Vegas Strip. The article in today’s Las Vegas Review Journal ‘Mobile Strippers Derailed’ has me both gladdened and sadden. It is nice to see Sin City has its limits, but on the other hand Live Mobile Strippers! Damn, I’m sorry to see them go-go. As a Las Vegas cabbie, I can tell you, the last few weeks the meter wasn’t the only thing going up. These mobile pleasure palaces brought myself—as well as other cab drivers, pedestrians, tourists, and everyone else in Vegas for that matter—to near Nirvana and to near death experiences.
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| Rahm Emanuel Named “Sith of Interest” in Death of Robert Novak |
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Washington, DC - Police questioned Rahm Emanuel shortly after the death of conservative journalist, Robert Novak, and they are now calling him a ‘Sith of interest’. Emanuel’s interview with the police only further implicated Obama’s Chief of Staff.
“Look,” said Emanuel, “sure we put the dead horse’s head in his bed, but we only wanted to scare the bastard.”
When asked at a press conference why he and several Secret Service Officers were recently questioning Novak, Emanuel replied, “He could have told me who really outed CIA operative Valerie Plame. Armitage was a fall guy. I told Novak, Plame or Pain. He chose poorly, is all, but that doesn’t mean I killed him.”
Our own Bald Tony prodded Emanuel further by asking, “Isn’t it true that a Sith Lord can cause a brain tumor similar to the one that killed Novak by manipulating the dark side of the Force?”
Emanuel dismissed the question just as our own beloved reporter crumpled into a lifeless heap. Emanuel chose to end the press conference by saying, “Who’s the Prince of Darkness now, bitch? Oh and Ozzy, watch your ass.”
In Loving Memory of the Great Bald One 2008 - 2009
He's not quite dead....
He's getting better....
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| New, Universal Scientific Unit System Unveiled |
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| By L. Wolfe |
This week a big breakthrough occurred at the Scientific Homologation, Institution, and Technologies conference in Amsterdam. Attendees have simplified the diverse, often contradicting lexicon of science by integrating all known scientific units into a single measurement system that is more encompassing than the metric system, and far less complicated than the standard system. This new system, known officially as the Integrated Dichotomous Infrastructure or Omniscient Treatise System, depending on which table of scientists you are talking to, has revolutionized the scientific community and has incredible and substantial application to every day life. |
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| Discord Holds Protests in Six Cities to Bash the Media: No One Covers It |
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Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause. In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!” Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!” Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine. At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited. Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!” OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25th he added the exclamation point - for the cause. Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated).
“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”
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| Economy Forces Seven of Ten Discord Staffers to Move Back in with Their Parents |
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Philadelphia, PA—“Times are tough,” admitted the Discord’s Chief Executive, Pierce Winslow.
The Daily Discord tallied its’ eighth straight monthly loss in March. Complaints during this week’s staff meeting ranged from, “I gave up my job at the Circle-K for this?” to “I gave my job up at the 7-11 for this?” The staff had a laundry list of complaints for Mr. Winslow this week.
“Morale is something nearing Abu Ghraib levels,” stated Winslow, “Er, the inmates, not the military.”
“We got very little of the bailout funds,” complained Bald Tony.
“Yeah,” agreed Pokey McDooris, “just like good ol’ AIG, I’d gladly give back my bonus, but it was two pens that turned out to be pencils.”
Mr. Winslow feels his staff is just a pack of overly pessimistic whiners.
“Besides,” said Winslow, “even before the recession seven out of ten Discord staffers lived with their parents.”
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| Al-Qaeda to Close Twenty-Seven Training Camps |
A desperate Al-Qaeda is ramping up its rhetoric against the Obama Administration as members are leaving their jihad training camps “by the droves,” stated Abdul Abdul Abdullah to our own Bald Tony during an inappropriate on-line chat last week.
Desperate for an edge in the PR wars, Al-Qaeda is considering increasing their afterlife compensation.
“We are considering upping the ante to 82 virgins in the afterlife,” stated Abdullah. This is a limited offer, void where prohibited.
The terrorist group is doubtful the new strategy will work, however, as a recent Al-Qaeda poll suggests most jihad savvy Arabs really don’t know what to do with more than twenty virgins anyway. Al-Qaeda is disappointed with recruitment in recent weeks.
“Obama is bad for business,” stated Abdullah. “Bush was doing a fine job, but now there is hardly enough hatred to go around.”
Abdullah fears an outright end to hatred, which would force him to grow-up and get a real job, perhaps in the gay porn industry. In the wake of this new age Al-Qaeda is setting more realistic expectations. Instead of using their bread-and-butter chants like ‘Death to America’, they are considering more achievable goals like ‘Death to Jersey.’ It is hoped that this shift in objectives may gain more support inside as well as outside of the U.S.
“Most agree at least Newark should go,” explained Abdullah, “even Bruce Springsteen, if cornered.”
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| Hiking Sedona: The Do’s and the...well, just the Don’ts |
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| By Mick Zano |
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The following is a real account of the incredible events that occurred on October 17th. These two vaguely-adult-like individuals, Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath, don’t agree on what exactly transpired after their "Occupy Wal-Mart" protest in nearby Cottonwood. Each insists their version of this hike-gone-horribly-wrong is the correct one. We’ll let you decide. The fact both of these intrepid explorers survived this ordeal is a testament to…who cares? But it’s really funny to laugh at them during this classic he said, she said. Enjoy.
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| Vegas San Gennaro: Leave the Feast, Take the Cannoli |
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| By Bald Tony |
Mick Zano was supposed to come for *sigh* yet another visit earlier this month. Due to circumstances beyond his control he had to delay a week. Unfortunately I was working overtime, so it looked like things were going to be a bust. Then, being the good friend and inadequate employee I am, I timed Zano’s visit with a three day suspension. Whoo Hoo! So, to be clear, I would not be getting paid for three days AND spending extra money. Dave Ramsey would not be pleased.
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| Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope |
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London, UK—The Royal Family is denying allegations the backup plan for the happy couple’s big day involved a Las Vegas chapel wedding. A WikiLeaks document reveals the alternative ceremony involved an Elvis impersonator performing the nuptials, and the entertainment included two members from the Blue Man Group, Penn, of Penn and Teller fame, as well as the tiger that ate Roy.
The top secret document reveals a list of pros and cons to holding the wedding covertly in Vegas without media coverage. Some of the pros included: Item 27: save enough cash to send 20,000 of our citizens to college, Item 35: If Prince Harry drops his pants, less of an audience, Item 56: That Cuban sandwich place north of the Stratosphere. Item 112: the money saved on security alone would be enough to send the entire Royal Family into space on one of Richard Branson’s new spaceships. Under the cons column were nearly as many entries: Item 12: parking is a bitch, Item 161: the shilling would not work in a massage bed, and Item 30: the next morning Prince Harry might be married to one of the Blue Man Group.
Less security was also a plus as Prince William would have been disguised as Hunter S. Thompson and Kate Middleton planned to dress as Snooki. The overnight accommodations were at the luxurious Vegas Chalet Motel. The motel "package" came complete with the aforementioned coin operated massaging beds and a complimentary mojito at nearby Frankies Tiki Room (a favorite destination of "Vegas Great" Bald Tony).
"The mojito almost won the day," admitted Queen Elizabeth. "I mean, we never considered Vegas."
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| Super Game XXVIIV |
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| By Mick Zano |
Las Vegas, NV–What’s better on Valentine’s Day than some old football coverage?! Somehow I am back in Vegas for the third time already in 2011, which is three more reasons Bald Tony is considering relocating. I am back at the Riviera covering this Super Game, knowing little about football and even less about roman numerals.
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| Viva Lost Coverage: Zano’s Vegas Coverage Fiasco |
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| By Pierce Winslow |
Zano begged me to give him another chance, so, being the kind-hearted soul I am, I decided to dispatch him over to Vegas. We arranged to have him upload some live feeds to me from the Riviera during the New Year’s Eve festivities. We were going to incorporate Twitter, it was going to be great—and what did I get for my trouble? Bupkis. I got less than bupkis, I got bupk.
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| Discord Seeks Mob Protection from Devo |
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Lodi, NJ—The Discord’s Bald Tony met with Frankie Vincent, of Sopranos and Goodfellas fame, to discuss their "situation" with a radicalized, extremist pop-band known as Devo. This group is threatening violence in response to intentions to destroy several Duran Duran albums during the Discord’s highly controversial event Burn Duran Day.
Bald Tony reports negotiations at an undisclosed location over pasta went well last night.
Vincent told the Discord staffer, "Consider the problem solved. They’re nerds."
Bald Tony reports the meeting was cordial but intimidating.
"I just kept thinking, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes…then, the first thing out of my mouth is, ‘so this horse’s head, Joe Pesci, and a Port Authority employee walk into a bar...’"
It all ended well, apparently, although no one has seen or heard from Tony since Operation Cannoli went into effect yesterday evening.
"We underestimated the response," said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We had no idea how many people still liked Duran Duran. We have suspended Burn Duran Day indefinitely, and we are probably just going to go drinking instead."
When asked if any members of the Daily Discord might forge ahead with the scheduled album burning, Winslow said, "No. They really like drinking. Besides, they’re not worried about any backlash; they just don’t finish anything they start. Take this post, for example, they were supposed to…
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| Kubrick Directed Obama Family Gulf Swim! |
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Hollywood, CA-The Daily Discord has proof the Obama’s recent Gulf swim was displayed through the lens of, none other than, director Stanley Kubrick. The event was staged, a fraud, a sham! Inside sources believe the scene was filmed on the soundstage where Kubrick filmed, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Spartacus, and that last Friends episode. Republicans are, of course, trying to make as much political hay as possible out of this event by turning it into 2010: A Race Odyssey.
Our own roving reporter, Bald Tony, cornered former astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, in a Kwik E Mart earlier today and asked him if the moon landing was also staged by Kubrick. Aldrin became incensed and hurled several Hostess products at our reporter before a convenience store clerk, Apu Nahasa-something-or-other, intervened.
"Easy on my Twinkies, you Ding Dongs!"
Many are calling the Discord’s evidence "doctored" and "PhotoShopped." The CEO of the popular e-zine, Pierce Winslow, defends the unnamed source of the photo.
"The picture clearly shows the Obamas swimming on the moon. I don’t know what more proof you need than that," said Winslow.
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| Ask The Ghetto Shaman |
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,
Are you available for speaking engagements? I am hosting an all-female adult movie star convention in Las Vegas in a few weeks and was wondering if you may be available.
Thanks!
Laurel Canyon
Dear Laurel,
Is this a trick question? Actually, I’m a busy man. I certainly can’t go to every all-female porn convention that I’m invited to…
The Ghetto Shaman
P.S. Send the details! Can I bring Zano, Atsals, and Bald Tony? They’re usually well behaved at such events. That didn’t sound convincing, did it? |
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| Beer and Frothing in Las Vegas |
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| By Mick Zano |
For my last trip to Vegas, I decided to look beyond the flashing and blinking lights of Sin City and really rate this town. Sorry, the blinking lights of Vegas are about as close to Christmas as you're going to get here at the Discord. The biggest hurdle to my destination came in the form of a brewpub, the Boiler Room, in Laughlin, Nevada. This pub, constructed like the bowels of a giant ship, had a sign out front that read: Thirsty Thursdays: All Drafts 1 Dollar. It happened to be Thursday and I was, in fact, thirsty. Hmmmm. I opened my wallet and implemented an old college equation. A dollar a beer, so if I have eighty-dollars in my wallet...then that means I have...er, carry the one...a shit load of beer!
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| Austin Police Chief to Criminalize Bloggers! |
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Austin, TX - Austin Police Chief, Art Acevedo, says he is ready to “take on” blogs and will be perusing the comment sections on local media internet sites. Acevedo believes his police department has been misrepresented in the blogosphere on numerous issues.
“A lot of my people feel it is time to take these people on,” said Acevedo. “When people are willfully misleading and lying, they are pretty much cowards anyway because they are doing so under the cloak of anonymity.”
The Crank—which is his god given name, mind you—had this to say: “Hey, Buford T. Justice, leave them blogs alone!”
Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, is “highly offended that Chief Acevedo keeps soliciting his children for sex.”
Mick Zano would like to add that he “hopes he comes clean on the bestiality charges soon.”
Chief Acevedo went on to say that he “likes to where pretty pink dresses and gets obnoxiously drunk during business hours on the taxpayer’s dime.”
The Daily Discord’s own, Bald Tony, has discovered the chilling truth that the first amendment means nothing to this man, and, apparently “when he’s not luring young women to their demise, he likes to lure young boys to their demise.”
In his own defense, Chief Acevedo had this to say, “I am fascinated with human excrement, but won’t seek help because of my deeply spiritual Wiccan belief system.”
The Daily Discord welcomes the Acevedo lawsuit to come.
“We’re kind of surprised the Maria Shriver lawsuit never panned out,” said Winslow. Despite the inability to get sued by anyone, Winslow remains optimistic. “I believe any publicity is good publicity—right, goat-humping cop guy?”
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| New Federal Healthcare Insurance Policies Only Benefit Klingons, Siamese Twins, and Earthworms |
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| By L. Wolfe |
Washington, DC - In June, the Obama Administration released information on the new cardiology healthcare insurance for all Americans. Additional assurance/quality control reviews, however, reveal that this insurance is only available to Americans with more than one functional heart. |
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| Pelosi Deemed Too Stupid for Any Accountability on Torture |
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Washington, DC - Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is becoming further embroiled in the Bush/Cheney torture controversy as allegations continue to surface regarding her knowledge of the previous administration's tactics. President Obama is defending the Speaker of the House, claiming she could not have possibly known the importance of things told to her.
“After all, she’s an idiot,” explained Obama at a press conference earlier today. “Her competence is strongly in question.”
According to a memo released by the White House this week, Nancy Pelosi asked only three questions during her CIA briefing on enhanced interrogation techniques. Two questions involved the previous evening’s episode of American Idol and the third involved her predictions regarding the following week’s episode of American Idol.
President Obama then made the analogy: “You can’t blame Pelosi for torture; it would be like blaming Iraq for 9/11.”
After an awkward silence, Obama went on to explain how Pelosi’s only knowledge of torture is derived from the 1976 movie Marathon Man
“In Pelosi’s small and demented mind,” continued Obama, “no Sir Lawrence Olivier + no dental instruments = no torture.”
Sir Lawrence Olivier, quite dead, was unavailable for comment.
President Obama went on to say, “Look, you can’t expect someone to connect the dots with a broken pencil, no paper, and more air upstairs than one of those open double-decker buses.”
Dissatisfied with the explanation, our own Bald Tony asked two very pointed questions of the President: “If Pelosi is deemed too stupid for any accountability, isn’t this a slipper slope? Couldn’t the same argument then be made to protect Bush from any wrongdoing?”
President Obama dodged the slippery slope analogy by saying this: “Remember what Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy on the floor back in ‘04? Pretend I’m Dick Cheney and your Patrick Leahy. M-kay?”
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| Mounting Pressure Forces Discord Staff to Return Stimulus Bonuses |
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Philadelphia, PA — CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow announced his intentions today to retrieve all of the pencil sets that looked like pens distributed at this past year’s Christmas party. The gifts were allegedly purchased with recently acquired stimulus funds.
“If my staff is going to bitch about everything,” said Winslow, “then they can type their articles with their own damn pencils.”
Mr. Winslow is said to be displaying increasingly bizarre behaviors. He reportedly made rooster sounds in the middle of the interview and began hurling handfuls of the Discord’s office supplies from the agencies’ third-floor business suite onto some surprised motorists below.
“This is a sad day for the Discord,” admits the ezines’ Chief Vegas Correspondent, Bald Tony. “And by sad, I mean typical.”
When asked if he would be honoring the mandate to return the item, Tony replied, “From my cold, dead…sure whatever.”
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| The Horny Goat Weed Question |
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| By Mick Zano |
What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed? Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east. In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time). On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed". Below were the words "Proven Effective". Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch. What the heck? I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items. Who is? But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed? |
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| Chinatown Vegas: You Go Now! |
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| By Bald Tony |
Not many folks realize there is a Chinatown in Las Vegas. In fact, I was a local for nearly five years before I even found it…and it’s huge! I moved here in the year of the rabbit and didn’t find Chinatown until the year of the flipping ox. You see, Las Vegas Blvd runs north-south, dividing the city east-west, and I have always been an eastsider. Among locals, crossing LVB to go to the other side, whichever side that is, is generally considered unnecessary, stupid, and in some cases criminal.
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| Holy Rollercoaster, Batman! |
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| By Mick Zano |
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During my family’s last trip to Las Vegas, my daughter insisted on going on The Manhattan Express at the New York, New York casino. Never do this. It’s a harrowing rollercoaster ride, but, even more of a deterrent, it’s right by Nine Fine Irishmen. So what’s a good father to do? I sent ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony on with her, of course, and started toward me Guinness.
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| And now for Something Completely Celtic |
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| By Bald Tony |
(For full effect please read in a good Sean Connery voice, or a lousy Mel Gibson voice.) Many people think Las Vegas is just hookers, Cirque du Soleil, casinos, and all-you-can-eat buffets. Sure, those things are thankfully prevalent, but there are also many festivals in the Las Vegas Valley (and on any given weekend Zano has been thrown out of most of them). I have attended the San Genarro Festival several times, the Greek Festival VII times, and I especially enjoyed getting leid multiple times at the Aloha Festival. But until a couple of weeks ago I had always missed the Celtic Gathering & Highland Games.
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| The First Rule of Pizza Club is Don’t Talk About Pizza Club |
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| By Bald Tony |
Las Vegas, NV—Just a few short weeks ago, the Cosmopolitan opened on the Las Vegas Strip, and, of course, the Discord was there to cover it. Of all the neat and wonderful things to discover and enjoy in this newest Strip casino, the biggest surprise turned out to be the pizza place. I have been sworn not to tell anyone where it is. It has no name. Seriously…think of it as the world’s first speakcheesy. No, they're not allowed to use that line.
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| The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There |
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| By Mick Zano |
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After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS. Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture. It stared right at me, nay, right through me. Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played. When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, "I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave." Machines always call me Dave. I don’t know what that’s all about.
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| The Obama’s Version of Mary Poppins Opens on Broadway |
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New York, NY—In what is being hailed as a desperate move to win hearts and minds, Barak and Michelle Obama are starring in an adaptation of the classic film, Mary Poppins. The play is set to open this week on Broadway, while many are left asking the acronym-laden question, BWTF? During the three hour performance, the Obama’s sing and dance their way through a number of Poppins’ classics such as: a spoonful of stimulus makes the medicine—you can no longer afford—go down, and SuperStimulisticHealthcarexpialadocious! Even though the price of it is something quite atrocious.
Three Obama lawyer associates, from the law firm of Rodger, Rodgers, and Hammerstein, successfully bring the musical score back to an age when the musical theater genre should have been left in a nearby dumpster.
Reviews are harsh and Michelle Obama’s performance is described as "decidedly sucky" by the New York Times. The most controversial number occurs near the play’s finale when our sitting President sings the lyrics: Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim Fuck Bush.
"I thought that the whole thing lacked a certain class," said our own Bald Tony, who, to show his disapproval, made fart noises throughout the second half of the play—until he was pistol whipped by the Secret Service.
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| Flagstaff’s Big Red Poor |
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| By Bald Tony |
I figured, Zano’s been up to see me in Vegas 5 times now, it was fine time to go see him. Never do this. He arbitrarily picks a weekend, and leave it to Zano to be completely oblivious about it being one of Flagstaff’s biggest event weekends. Driving into town was worse than going from Caesar’s to Mandalay Bay on a Saturday night. Geesh! And I wasn’t even getting paid! I think a 10 to 1 Vegas-to-Flagstaff visiting ratio from now on, Mikko.
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| Obama’s Economic Team Seen Entering Cash Advance Establishment |
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Washington, DC - President Obama has refused to comment on the picture, seen here, of the President, along side of his top economic advisors, entering a notorious south D.C. cash advance establishment. Obama also denied allegations he is supplementing the Federal Reserve in such a manner. When specifically questioned about his whereabouts last weekend, Obama said everything from "blowing loads of cash in Las Vegas" to "hiking the Appalachian Trail with Senator Sanford." None of the stories checked out, however. Last weekend, Bald Tony was in Vegas ‘blowing loads of cash’ and the Ghetto Shaman was hiking the Appalachian Trail naked. Neither report seeing Obama at these locations.
When confronted by the press, Obama said, "Look, you might see me going into a cash advance place, but you’re not going to find a picture of me leaving with any cash. Have you seen the United States’ credit score lately?"
Obama is also denying allegations he was spotted at a pawn shop with the East Room portrait of George Washington. When reporters noticed the empty wall this week, Obama explained he was simply having the missing picture shampooed. When questioned why he is still wearing the Groucho Marx mustache/glasses combo, Obama pretended not to hear the question and ended the press conference. |
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| Obama Calls China Visit a Success: Annual Fee Waived and Two Late Payment Charges Lifted |
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Washington, DC—After some brutal negotiations with Chinese officials, President Obama announced to the press he saved the U.S. both the twenty-five dollar annual fee, plus two fifty-dollar late payment charges. Granted, no progress was made on refinancing or renegotiating our country’s annual percentage rate with our Chinese overlords, but the Obama Administration is hailing this trip as a "major victory.”
"That’s just the beginning," said Obama’s Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner. "If we transfer our debt over to the EU, they are promising us no interest until 2010!”
When the Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent, Bald Tony, pointed out how that was only a few weeks from now, Geithner furrowed his brow and stared down at his Blackberry.
"I would much rather shift our impossibly high debt to Europe," said Obama. "After all, they just got me that Peace Prize thingie. It’s the least we can do."
By shifting the U.S. debt to Europe, Obama hopes, "The United States can continue to pay the minimum balance, which should bring the Federal deficit to manageable levels by…what century is Star Trek supposed to take place?"
Obama is denying plans to hang an Interest Accomplished banner across the White House lawn to commemorate his historic visit.
"I don’t want to repeat my predecessor’s mistakes," said Obama. "I am content to make a whole slew of new ones."
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| God Punishes Southeast For Opposing Public Option |
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Heaven, UP - After reading the Washington Monthly last week, God burst a nut (which proves God is a guy). God read a poll where the south still has a 45% approval rating for republicans. This is over 30% higher than the second place contestants, the Midwestern region of the U.S.
When God found out how many impoverished southerners opposed Obamacare, God said, “OK, they barely complain about a trillion dollars to some CEOs, but ME forbid someone tries to spend a trillion dollars on them…that’s it! I’m going to drown those patriotards once and for all.” (which proves God reads the Daily Discord, which really isn’t that impressive because he’s blognipotent.)
God is planning more rain in the forecast for the southeast until “those bananas wake up smell the karma” (which proves God is either Hindu or confused).
Our own Bald Tony asked God if this would be another forty-days and forty-nights thing, and God replied, “No, no. I really don’t have that kind of time.”
God hopes to hit them with all he’s got in kind of a Shock and Awe campaign.
“We’ll see how they like it.”
When Bald Tony pointed out how drowning hordes of uninsured patriotards seemed kind of ‘Old Testament’, God smote him and shit.
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| Jackson’s Doctor Insists He Only Prescribed the Diprivan, Xanax, Valium, Percoset, Demerol, Oxys, and Vicodin: But I Told Michael to Lay Off the Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor |
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Los Angeles, CA - Dr. Conrad Murray is admittedly denying claims that his prescribing practices contributed to the pop legend’s recent death.
“This is America,” said Dr. Murray, “everyone is on downers.”
Dr. Murray believes that Americans have built up an incredibly high tolerance to benzodiazepines and pain pills.
“It’s in our water system for crying out loud.”
The doctor believes the old med regiments just weren’t making a dent in our neurotic noggins.
Dr. Murray went on to say that, “Higher doses make any beer consumption extra dangerous, or in Michael’s case Big Jug Extra dangerous.”
When the Discord’s own Bald Tony pointed out that Jackson’s BAC was zero and that the Big Jug Extra reference was merely a cheap Discord yuck-yuck from an earlier faux article, Dr. Murray refused to comment. The doctor does hope that his stock in Astra Zeneca will not suffer for the incident and hopes the drug rep luncheon is still on for Tuesday.
Furthermore, Dr. Murray sends his condolences to the Jackson Four and added, “If you don’t sue, bitches, you can have my script pad.”
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| Neurillogical: Why Some People Are Wrong For Soooo Long |
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| By Mick Zano |
The origins of clinical neuropsychology are rooted in efforts to address the effects of head injuries sustained by soldiers during World War II. Neuroscientists prefer to study brains when they are not functioning properly, Abbey Normal, if you will. In other words, why wait for the next world war? There is a wealth of knowledge studying Bush and his minions, right here, right now (Jesus Jones, 1990). Bush can, and should, be studied in every psych 101 class. He is the quintessential example of almost every brand of tortured logic. Robert A. Burton, MD has recently spent a great deal of time studying the neural underpinnings of knowing, and what he discovered, much like Pokey’s fascination with the Shit Goblins, is both intriguing and frightening. Dr. Burton looked into how we know what we know, and his answer is surprising (he doesn’t know).
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| Area 51: The Undiscovered Country |
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| By Bald Tony |
One hundred and fifty miles northwest of Las Vegas, amidst the barren wasteland of Central Nevada, sits one of the most controversial areas in our country (besides Michael Vick’s Animal Shelter). I’m talking, of course, about Rachel, Nevada, a one mailbox town so devoid of life it didn’t even appear on my GPS (and it really only has one mailbox, which also did not appear on my GPS). The nearest real town to Rachel is sixty miles to the south. There is no cell phone service and no gas station in or around Rachel. The town motto is ‘Don’t Run Out of Gas in Rachel.’ They’re not kidding. To accentuate that point, there is a sign next to the town motto that says, ‘We’re Not Kidding!’
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| Ghost Writers in the Sand |
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| By Mick Zano and Bald Tony |
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In the blazing January sun, Bald Tony and Mick Zano drove the 38 miles south from Las Vegas toward the infamous Pioneer Saloon in Goodsprings, NV.
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