Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 17, 2014
AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." • OBAMA PROMOTES ECONOMIC OPPURTUNTIES FOR WOMEN "BUT NOT IN THIS COUNTRY" • BONO'S U2-MAPS COMPANY COLLAPSES: MAIN COMPLAINT "I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR, HERE, WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME" •
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Kallisti Publishing
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

Haunted Tucson: the Hotel Congress
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

For this investigation I was forced to go it alone. The Hotel Congress wasn’t my first accommodation choice, as anything called Congress evokes a visceral response from me. In fact, while I was there I found myself strangely unable to pass anything, even with the aid of high fiber cereals.

Taser Parties: Tase Me Again, Bro!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—There was a time when a parent’s primary concern involved worrying whether their children might drive too fast, eat too much sugar, or vote Republican. Then, thanks in part to the Ghetto Shaman, drug use and teen pregnancies exploded. Then this last generation started planking, idolizing jackass stunts, and joining crawdad cults. Those issues pale in comparison to this new youth trend; I am talking about the dreaded Taser Party!

Ask the Ghetto Shaman
Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one reach a deep and spiritually meaningful altered state of consciousness?

Tim the Enlightner



Dear Tim,

Try huffing paint thinner during one of the alternate universe episodes of the TV show Fringe.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or...no, that's the only way.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I need some help! I need to cleanse my life-funked chakras, Shaman man. Wax on, wax off.

Jasmine



Dear Jasmine,

I can recommend several techniques. All of my latest breakthrough procedures are covered in my latest book Misguided Meditations: The Art of Quantum Pimping.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Skip Chapter 7: Drumming Circle Jerk. Seriously, this is at the request of my lawyer.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Space For Sale
Pierce X. Winslow

Space for Sale,

The Ghetto Shaman column is available for anyone who can send funny material to me in a timely manner. I don’t care what his excuse is this time, I don’t care if he lost his fifth grandmother, again, or his parole officer has more stipulations, or he's on another Mad Dog vision quest. I am washing my hands of that new age miscreant!

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. Send me the goods now, Shaman, or you’ll never work in this virtual town again!

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started my teen years smoking lots of pot, but then I heard methamphetamine can enhance your sexual prowess. But now after using meth for several years I can’t seem to get a date. Don’t chicks no how cool meth is?

Scabby and Toothless



Dear S & T,

Anything in excess can be counterproductive, young grass-smoker. Try mixing things up with some crack.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and chicks no how to spell know.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

Why can't we all live in a spiritual-based-society where everything is fair and people help each other?

David



Dear David,

Just because I'm a Shaman, it doesn't mean I'm an idiot, you damn hippie. Look, most people don't want to give up what they have, but if you do, I need a new a liver. Don't worry, it can be a communal liver.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m Catholic so to ask a Shaman a question seems a bit counter intuitive, but I do believe that we are all energy and some New Age “hooey” resonates with me. Also, I don’t feel the Church is in alignment with the teachings of Christ.

Ned Flanders



Hi diddly ho neighborino!

Yes, we are energy and that is why Red Bull is the Nectar of the Gods. Oh, and if Jesus visited the Vatican today, he would Guy Fawkes that shit. Just sayin'.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

We have this life to overcome all of the attachments that you seem to advocate. Have you ever been to the rainforests of South America? Have you ever met a real Shaman?

Bardo



Dear Bardo,

Sorry, only one question per customer. I will answer your first question: no, I haven't, but I have been to the Peruvian Amazon.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stressed out! Yoga not working! Help!

J



Dear J,

Have you purchased any of my relaxation CDs, like Harnessing the Power of Anxiety? Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. As seen on Jitter and Pacebook. Or, why not try some life-affirming body shots down at your local pub?

You’ll be glad you did.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. It's also the time of year to grab a Guinness. Have you ever seen a stressed out leprechaun?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book The Power of Now, Bitches and it’s the same title as Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now.  You just added the word "bitches" at the end.  Is there no limit to your audacity?

S. Latte



Dear S,

Nope…besides, I also added the comma.  It didn’t get there by itself.  If you want to see where I really rip off Tolle, read my masterpiece When Stillness Spews.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!
Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!

Vatican City—In conjunction with God, the Daily Discord is offering cash, cars, and sexual favors (missionary style only) for the person who comes the closest to guessing the upcoming last tweet of his Holiness the Pope. Pope Benedict the whatshisface is bowing down and this time with no ill intentions toward children. He is planning his farewell tweet on February 28th, but here are the rules. The Discord staff gets to go first, which can be translated roughly as the rest of you don’t stand a chance, or in Latin, "Vos autem nolite stare liceator!" If you still want to play, just submit your Pope tweet by hitting our contact button or this groovy hyperlink here. Oh, and did we mention all submissions must be in Latin?


Pierce X. Winslow
@PierceWinslow
Cum Sinite parvulos ad me. Oh, dixi quod ex magna? (Suffer the little children to cum on me. Oh, did I say that out loud?)
9:26 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

Mick Zano
@mzzano
Iam operor ego adepto keys ut Pope Mobile? (Now do I get the keys to the Pope Mobile?)
9:32 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
0 Retweets 0 Favorites

Erisa Brahe
@erisaBrahe
Quamdiu omnibus gratias ichthys! (So long, and thanks for all the Jesus fish.)
9:48 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
5 Retweets 3 Favorites

The Crank
@theCrank
Ego teneo tamen haud one....NO UNUS pulsatus leviculus hat! (I know I’m stepping down, but no one....NO ONE touches the silly hat!)
9:55 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
7 Retweets 2 Favorites

The Ghetto Shaman
@ghettoShaman
Videre vos post, Bitches! Viva las Vegas! (See you later, Bitches!  I'm going to Vegas.)
10:03 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
6548 Retweets 2569 Favorites

Sandra Day O'Connor
@sandyOConnor
That was a lifetime appointment! Quitter! (Sorry, Sandra, Latin submissions only)
10:20 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
10 Retweets 6 Favorites
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think about Chuck Hagel’s nomination for Secretary of Defense?

Wyatt



Dear Wyatt,

I endorsed and supported Thor, the God of Thunder. I’m old school.

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I do support the Discord’s nomination of Martha Stewart as the Secretary of the Interior. What she can do with curtains and a few throw pillows...

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started this with Dear Douchebag, so if it says "Dear Ghetto Shaman" above this, I knew it!!

Gerbs



Dear Douchebag,

Never go up against an established columnist with the power of editorial license. And please pick up a copy of my latest book Expressing Gratitude Through Violence at no additional discount to you.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. You're supposed to ask a question, douchebag.  See?  You can't win.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What did you think of the movie Django? I think violence is too prevalent in our society and we really need to watch how things are projected through our shadow selves.

Why Z

Dear Why Z,

I loved that movie! That was the one where the little lizard is chased by the hawk through the desert, right? It was a little too violent for me too and it earned it's PG rating. I liked that armadillo, Roadkill. I don't remember any shadow elves but I was chugging malt liquor products at the time. Hey, how else was I going to drown out the sound of those little shits in front of me?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Instead of my usual column, I thought this correspondence between our CEO and some spammer was enlightening:

Hi,

I'm XXXXXXXX, and I blog at XXXXXXXX I'm wondering if I can offer a guest post to your site? I'm thinking of writing about "How to Improve Your Credit Rating," as I think this post might be useful for your visitors.

What do you think? Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.

Have a great week and thanks in advance.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX



Dear Blackened Rectangle,

Thank you for the offer, but have you actually read our site? I don't think that our visitors would trust us with financial advice. Now the Ghetto Shaman commenting on how to trash your credit rating through alcohol, drugs and Thai hookers, maybe. Thanks again for your interest!

Pierce X. Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you a neat freak or a slob? I’m only asking because this book I’m reading suggests cleaning up your external world before you start addressing the internal. Does that make sense?

Carol



Dear Carol,

I’m OCD, but only in a mystical way. The snake gods are all lined up in size order and the jaguars' claws are all neatly trimmed. And when I'm on shrooms my mystical mansion would put Martha Stewart to shame. But, as for this plane of existence, my room looks like it was dropped from a low flying plane onto a Frat house.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. After a chug & puke contest.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Apocalypse Fail Leaves Discord Material-less
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21st turned out so lame. "We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris," said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. "It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality," said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, "The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit."

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. "The well is dry," said Winlsow. "We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah."

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, "It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp."

McGrath went on to explain, "Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you do soul retrievals? Are you like a full on, balls to the walls shamanic healer, or do you ever break down and use western medicine?

Sandy Duncan



Dear I loved you in The Sound of Music,

Where to begin? I don’t do soul retrievals, but I do do bowl retrievals. You know, when it slips between the cushions of my couch when I'm getting zorked. And, yes, I do a lot of western medicine, unless I think my probation officer is around. But I do adamantly refuse to go to doctors. This is an integral part of my spiritual path and my shamanic tradition, so when something’s wrong with me physically I try to ignore it long enough for denial to set in. For instance, it's not burning as I pee right now, it’s simply the Mexican food I had last week.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or maybe I shouldn't have tried to fuck that tequila bottle.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you thought about your New Years resolutions?

Migo



Dear Migo,

No, my tradition involves making end of the year resolutions. This way it's not much of a commitment, so if you don't follow them it's no big deal.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Remember, this year it's not too late to make your end of the world resolutions.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Discord Resorts to Black Magic to Increase Ratings
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, "I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary...you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook."

The GOP: Time to Hide the Silverware
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up...usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw this thing on the Discord where you auctioned off your virginity to charity. No offense, but who is going to believe you’re a virgin?

Madonna



Dear Madonna,

This might come as a shock to you, but, despite my best seller The Tao of Skullfucking, I have never been skullfucked.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. All proceeds will go to the Miley Cyrus BYOB Foundation.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where do you live? Were you impacted by Sandy?

Hopes and prayers,

Becca



Dear Becca,

I live under the Market Street Bridge and, yes, I was greatly impacted by Sandy. But she's not going to get a dime of that child support! And stop calling my parole officer, bitch! He knows you're full of shit!!

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Surviving in a Post-Truth World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What if Romney wins? How will that impact our already tenuous grip on reality? What the hell happens when we institutionalize the House of Rove? A place where people can say anything, minus fact-checkers, minus any objectivity, minus any political consequences for lying? We already have that, it’s called a spoof news site—well, some consequences, but we’ll leave the Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise lawsuit out of this.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who are you voting for in November?

Shirls



Dear Shirls,

I’m sticking to the person I have faithfully stood behind through thick and thin. I can, without hesitation, fully endorse—you heard it here first on The Daily Discord—Carrie Underwood. She will be American Idol’s winner of the 3rd annual American Country Awards. Mark my words!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I think the award ceremony is in December, not November.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
By Mick Zano
Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the "Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s" request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What's your sign? I'm having a party this weekend and wondering if you could enlighten me and my friends.

Michael

Dear Michael,

Umm, my sign is stop, dude! Actually, as a kleptosexual I'm really into that kind of thing, although i'd be more inclined to cum if your name was Michaela. Besides, I already have a previous engagment this weekend. I'm teaching a seminar on Cultural Incomptence at Carl's Pub...over by the cigarette machine.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto (I wish I was Latino so I could be president) Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Boxers or Briefs?

Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Boxers are too violent and I have been told on more than a few occasions that briefs are vagina repellent, so I usually go commando. To avoid chaffing, you just need to get calluses started on certain parts of your inner thigh and Voilà.

The Commando Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the GOP Convention? If so, thoughts?

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. If you don't answer this you're FIRED!!!!



Dear Mr. Winslow,

Kind of creeped me out. I know the heart of the GOP is generally old, creepy, and in some stage of advanced cognitive decline, but to wheel out all three from the get-go was a little much. I switched over to TLC's Honey Boo Boo. I could report on that if you'd like?

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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General Tso Wanted for Wok Crimes
General Tso Wanted for Wok Crimes

Xiangyin, China--General Tso, a man famous for his oriental deep fried chicken, is being sought in the disappearance of several #17s from the menu at the Jade Fountain over on 4th Str…umm, to be honest, Zano hasn’t submitted anything in awhile. He’s fallen off the radar again and, to complicate matters, so has the Ghetto Shaman. If I didn’t know any better, I would say it’s a Bruce Wayne/Batman kind of thing. But I‘ve seen both of these cats in the same place. The last time was at our company Christmas party back in 2010. I got them both very nice pen sets that turned out to be pencils. Besides, back to the Batman analogy, I’m afraid neither one of them can be described as mild-mannered. I think with Zano and the Shaman, it’s more like if Robin had a sidekick…and then Robin’s sidekick had a sidekick. That’s getting close to capturing the essence of these bananas, who, apparently split. See? These are the jokes I write when the main writers go MIA.

I really don’t know where this project is going anymore. I can’t control these people. Submission and deadlines are passé. Try envisioning the Marx Brothers on acid and you begin to understand the herding cats-type, Herculean task I deal with on a post-to-post basis. Really, it’s more like if the Marx Brothers hung around Cheech & Chong for a couple of "sessions" and then went to the Amazon together to gnaw on some hallucinogenic roots. Yeah, it’s something like that…only more out of control.

I am seriously considering going with my original idea—a psychiatric food blog. Stay with me here. So if you’re depressed, I’ll have a series of culinary recipes designed to offset some of those specific symptoms. Are you a little manic because of a bi-polar disorder? Try my Depakote Devil’s food cake. A little hyper? How about some Ritalinguini and clam sauce? Are you hearing the voices again? Try my famous chicken Thorazzini. I think it could taste great and really cut down on the mass shootings in this country. If my writers don’t resurface soon, get ready to order some of my FDA-approved psychotropic suppers!

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the Olympics? If so what was your favorite event? What games would you add?

Zeus from Athens



Dear Zeus,

You’re supposed to ask one question, not three, buuuut since you’re a God. Look, there’s some sort of cognitive disease associated with nationalism these days. It shouldn’t be true, but it is. You cheer for your country and the IQ points slide off like clothing on one of my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruises. I would watch the Olympics if they added Shamanic games like naked soul retrieval, astral belching, or long distance Reiki Robotripping.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Can the Ghetto Shaman Save American Idol?
Can the Ghetto Shaman Save American Idol? We sure hope not...
We sure hope not...
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I kill my ego? What’s the fastest way? I’ve just been stumbling along the spiritual path.

Stumblin'



Dear Stumblin',

Sneak up behind a group of chicks talking about you. It killed mine in under forty seconds.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are there any Cliff Notes for enlightenment? Any shortcuts? I have read everything from Maharishi Mahesh, to Genpo Roshi, to Toltec friggin’ wisdom and I am in a spiritual wasteland, man! I’m not growing compassion, I’m growing old, I'm growing tired, I'm growing ulcers!

Gary



Dear Acid Reflux,

No one can do this for you, Gary. Gurus, meditations, the very Dharma itself can only point you in the direction. In my case that direction would be south. Try rereading chapter two of my Booty Sutras: The Sanctity of the Spank-titty. But If I tell you anymore I could actually hinder your spiritual growth. No, really, I will...

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have been desperately trying to engage in rough sex, but my boy toy is terribly concerned about harming me. I was thinking about safe words or maybe some good phrases. Do you have any ideas?

Sincerely,

Sub Missy



Dear S&M,

Your safe phrase should be, "I’m calling your probation officer!" and a good word might be "revocation!" Well, those were mine and they worked like a charm, until my sentence was reinstated May of 2007. I am sorry for your loss Mr. and Mrs. Wilkens. I'm just an excitable boy.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Of course, I had to come up with a completely new set for Bubba.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"
Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to "rub the lotion on its skin" until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, "If this shit doesn’t recover, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!" He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, "Regulate this, Obama."

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, "No way," but later admitted to reporters, "But it is a good coffee table book for sure."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is the recent rash of cannibalistic bath salt incidents the beginning of a zombie apocalypse?

Jeets



Dear Jeets,

Yes. Just prior to their arrival, the Mayan Gods often send the devourers to purge the world of flesh. You should probably prepare by purchasing Michael Griffith's novel Eternal Aftermath, wherever fine post-apocalyptic fiction is sold. The movie Motel Hell also covered the subject effectively, because remember it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Face...it’s what’s for dinner.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Captain Viagra Peters Out
Captain Viagra Peters Out

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

"Umm, we get enough of that," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly)."

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, "The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover."

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, "Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!" He then shouted, "To infidelity and beyond!" but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

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Dear Ghetto Dude,

I noticed a trend at the locker room that's quite startling. No, it wasn't my shocking lack of manhood. That is another topic entirely. I want to know about the latest crave sweeping the nation. Wait for it, manscaping!! I notice, not intentionally, but that other guys are trimming this shit back. I have to admit I have a situation going on down yonder. It’s like a wild, untamed bush beast. What should I do about this dick fro, bro?

Harry Testicles



Dear Harry,

Nair.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I recently sculpted a bonsai tree out of mine. Just don’t use garden shears. But if you do have a mishap, some universities will purchase your balls for cash! I’ve donated three myself. Woe...there goes another one. Good thing they grow back.

Ask your question, bitch...
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The Magnificent Apology Rides Again
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

BWTF? How come you don't post an update every Friday morning? Your boss is always making excuses for you. I think he's enabling your continued poor behaviors. Is this truly the way?

Yikes



Dear Yikes,

The Ghetto Shaman will not be posting this week, through no fault of his own, as the Shaman is often in a transcendal state (passed out). Besides, he answers nearly a question a week, a feverish pace. Also, once intoxicated, not only does he make contact with those higher realms, he also attracts those higher authorities, namely the police. I assure you he is very dedicated to the Daily Discord and remains one of our most consistent contributors (at least comparatively). He will be back to answer your questions next week...ish. You can't rush a Zen monk, nor can you rush a drunken monkey like the Ghetto Zenman.

CEO Pierce Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Things have changed as my husband has gotten older. I still want to have sex all the time but he’s satisfied with once or twice a week, at most. I’ve tried everything to peak his interest: midgets, swings, toys, swing toys, and manipulating toys in a swing with midgets. Nothing has worked! Shouldn’t my significant other do his husbandly duty? Isn’t he obligated to satisfy my every fantasy and whim? 24/7? Midgets sold separately.

Sixty Nine Sally (that’s not my age or my real name)



Dear 69S,

Yes.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I sent you my actual cell phone number in the reply email. Oh, and I always BYOM (Bring my Own Midget)

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Chief Seattle once said, "When the Earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear. When that happens, The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them."  I think we are closing in on that time period. Are you an activist? Are you an environmental warrior?

Running Bear



Dear Running Bear,

They used to call me Running Bare, but now it’s a felony. I am part of a complacent activist Buddhist group known as I am That, but not on weekends. And I do hang out with the Warriors of the Rainbow at the bar known as Peaches & Court. There we attempt to save the planet one drunken show tune at a time.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Pierce Winslow

The following is a public service announcement:

The Ghetto Shaman column has been cancelled this week due to unforeseen circumstances involving the police, Mad Dog 20/20, and some high grade nutmeg. The Shaman would still like to plug his latest books: Channel Your Aggression into Fast Cash! and the critically exclaimed The Shaman’s Gift and other STDs.

Stay tuned next week for the triumphant return of the Ghetto Shaman…or not.

Pierce Xavier Winslow

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Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.

You Show Me Your Birth Certificate If You Want to See Mine
By The Librarian
The Librarian

When is the stupidity ever going to end? No, not the Daily Discord; they just renewed their hosting. I just can’t understand why anyone would continue to support the ignorance of way too many members of the Republican Party! I know that democracy is composed of many differing factions. I believed that responsible people could disagree on issues and resolve them. Oops, I said responsible people. Can you edit that part out?

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My wife just left me for another man; I hate my boss and my landlord. Everything sucks. I could use some of your wise counsel.

Will-EEE



Dear Will-EEE,

Why do you shirk from these things? Why do you avoid them? Misfortune can catapult us to spiritual awareness. You need to reread my book Turn that Frown Upside Tao: Embracing Life's Suckage.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. If it's any consolation, I plan to just use and abuse your wife and then dump her ass.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Though I actually have no real question, I’d like to offer ‘you’ some advice. After all, I am in a wonderful, long-term monogamous relationship built on love, respect, and trust.

RS



Dear RS,

Is that you Santorum? I told you to stop hitting my contact button because I think you’re a douche.
Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and I’m seeing your wife and she thinks you’re a douche too. So is Gingrich by the way (no surprise there).

P.P.S. And I’m taking your son fishing this weekend.

P.P.P.S.  Oh, and nice liquor cabinet, but sorry about the scotch thing.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

After nearly 30 years, of living a clean and sober life, I'm contemplating getting back into weed. With the failure of the economy, losing my home and my family, it sounds like a good thing to do, as I am allergic to alcohol. However, back in the 70s, Thai Stik is what I used to do. Is that still available, and at what price? If not, what would be a good replacement?

Looosah

Michigan



Dear Loosah,

Thai Stik? Thai Stik is only about three bucks and is available anywhere, even convenient stores. It's very good at removing stains. I believe I’ve used that joke before. Look, Loosah, you should get a second opinion on the alcohol. Allergic? Try rice beer. There’s also gluten free beer, so you can enjoy a taste on par with Schlitz for only ten dollars a pint. Oh, and with hydroponics you will find pot much more potent than the old days, depending on your source, of course. But before you do anything to jeopardize 30 years of sobriety, call your sponsor—as long as your sponsor isn’t Budweiser. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Tide Stik
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Hello Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a new contributor to The Daily Discord. Do you have any suggestions, recommendations, or warnings for me?

Thank you,

The Librarian



Dear Librarian,

Don’t go to the Discord Christmas party next week.  Really, don’t. It even scares me. Just let Mr. Winslow mail you the pen set that turns out to be pencils. I believe that constitutes a suggestion, a recommendation, and a warning.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'm not kidding...

Ask your question, bitch...
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Belgium Downgraded to Countrytoid
Belgium Downgraded to Countrytoid

Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.

"This could not have happened at a worse time," said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.

One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, "That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!"

The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.

"It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government," responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. "So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain," said Merkel, "but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses."

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Greetings!

Sorry, loyal fans. I was not in jail last week, as Mr. Winslow keeps insinuating, actually I’ve been very industrious lately. I am starting a chain of fast food restaurants called Just Potato Salad! I’m thinking of renaming it Just Potato Salad, Bitches, but I kind of lose some oomph without that exclamation point. Does anyone have an opinion? So far business is slow. Should I consider adding another type of potato salad to my menu? Maybe one with mustard and mayo? I don’t want to get too crazy off the get-go; there’s a lot of overhead associated with a business that involves buckets filled with potatoes and mayonnaise…more than you probably realize.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Spudman

P.S. Stands for Potato Salad! ...Bitches!

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Life Coach Cokie: On Social Site Bombing
Cokie McGrath

Don’t worry. The Ghetto Shaman will be back next week. Mr. Winslow doesn’t always get his bail money to him in a timely fashion.

Turning social sites against their owner is an art form. First, be sure to get your target drunk and then gain access to all of his or her social sites. For this little experiment, I used friend and fellow Discordian, Zick Mano. When he went to the bathroom, I friended all of his subordinates, who he would never normally friend, and then proceeded to fire them all. (Now be quick about it, as time is of the essence).

Then when he returned, I talked him into searching and friending a bunch of his ex-girlfriends (lawyers, porn stars, lawyer-porn stars!). Then, when he went back to the bathroom (this is where it’s important to keep the drinks flowing), simply invite all of them for threesomes in a variety of exotic locations. You can invite midgets, politicians, cartoon characters, whomever. Get creative with it. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.

Mick’s exs are funny! One of them even threatened a restraining order. Good times. Be warned, I never recommend drunken self social site debauchery (DSSSB), but when you successfully target a friend, it’s pure entertainment. Keep in mind, these activities can damage friendships, careers, even marriages, but thankfully not your own.

Cokie McGrath

Ask any question and I will answer! At least until the Shaman gets bailed out, of course.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why doesn’t God want me to have a threesome?

Palfrey



Dear Palfey,

You need to be able to count that high first, dip shit. Oh, and two farms animals don’t count.

The Ghetto Threesome

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is Cokie McGrath single?

Dave Atsals

Discord Contributor



Dear Dave,

She’s a coworker, Dave! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Cokie is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes her do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo deleting that video he sent me….Tomorrow.  Really, tomorrow.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Kidding, she likes chicks. I am soooo deleting that video she sent me. Tomorrow, really.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This seems to be a common theme with what I’ve read of your column, but sex drugs and rock & roll are at odds with most teachings of spirituality. What am I missing?

Zitz



Dear Zitz,

A lot of fun, apparently. We have DMT and cannabinoid receptors in our brains. Drugs are an integral part of our heritage, but my boss and my P.O. aren’t buying it. Check out David Lewis-Williams’ work on cave art. He has all but proven that rock art throughout the world has recurrent entoptic/shamanic patterns. When man ingested the first ‘shrooms and gnawed on the first psychedelic roots we finally climbed out of the trees and claimed our birthright—which has widely been regarded as a bad move (D. Adams).

Lewis-Williams’ is one of many scholars who believe the use of hallucinogens actually stepped up our evolution. You can learn more about binge drinking and enlightenment in my latest work Ancestral Party Animal: Voices from the First Kegger.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And at my house hallucinogens have also been successfully used to treat boredom.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Onion Copycat Case Draws Anemic Ridicule for Discord
Texas Governor Rick Perry goes on a rampage shooting puppies and boiling children
Enlarge...

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord admits to releasing a picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry boiling children and shooting puppies as a cheap ploy to attract negative attention.  The stunt was patterned after a recent Onion feature of a similar vein.  The controversial Onion tweet involved reports of screams and gunfire coming from inside the Capitol Building.  The Onion followed up with a news report on their website, a place four out of five bribed comedians find not nearly as funny as The Daily Discord.

"We saw the attention The Onion got for that tweet," said CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow.  "Meanwhile, we put Jesus on a wanted poster or we host everybody Photoshop Muhammad day, and we get bupkis.  Yeah, we have no shame.  It’s just high time someone noticed. We’re as despicable as anyone out there."

Whereas Winslow is carrying on despite the lack of controversy, he isn’t happy about it.

"On a good day we get maybe three people emailing us with shit like, Tell the Ghetto Shaman to suck it! or What are you feeding the Crank, anyway?  Frankly, we deserve a lot more scrutiny than that."

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you hear?  Archeologists have discovered ancient sperm in the eye sockets of some Brazilian crystal skulls.  Is this further proof of your Tao of Skull Fucking? Or are the natives just gnawing on too many roots?

Okie4



Dear Okie4,

A rare person who understands my work!   You speak of the Legend of Crystal Skull Humpers.   I think my next book Indiana Jonesing and the Temple of Spooge will vindicate my theory, or put me back in jail. I’m sure it’s one of the two. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Halloween is coming up and what do you think is the most likely costume to get me laid? Just curious.

Terri



Dear Just Curious,

If you are a female, I would go with a Wonder Woman costume. But, if you decide to go with this theme, don't try to make-it in your invisible airplane; this is the age of cell phone cameras. If you are a male I would go with a Ghetto Shaman mask. These are available wherever fine Ghetto Shaman masks are sold. If you are a male that likes to hang out at certain clubs, I would go with the Wonder Woman costume. Again, watch the Boeing buggery.

Sin-beerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was in a public restroom stall the other day and the guy next to me was humming that song, the one that goes, "I hear the secrets that you keep when you're talking in your sleep." I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. Do you think I need therapy or something?

The Mad Hoopster



Dear MH,

...or something. Who am I Dr. fucking Phil? Look, you should never take a dump in a public restroom; that's why God gave us the alley.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am researching out-of-body experiences and came across something called the Akashic Record.  What exactly is the Akashic Record? 

Sierra Swanson

Framingham, MA



Dear Sierra,

I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s available in compact disc by now.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Harry Potter: Ten Years I’ll Never Get Back
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The biggest blockbuster of the year is undoubtedly Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows—Part 2. You know it’s a serious movie when I throw in an adverb as big and daunting as ‘undoubtedly’, right from the get go.   The Daily Discord was there to cover this prestigious premiere.  When I say premiere, I mean, a week later during a matinee at the Ghettoplex.  Oh, and Mr. Winslow will probably never reimburse me the admission price.  Bastard! 

Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

Clemency for Clemens?  Why Lying to a Politician Should Not Only Be Legal But Encouraged
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight, Roger Clemens was doping, but his only actual charge was lying under oath to Congress.  Umm, lying to Congress?  Isn’t that kind of like using magic against Voldemort?  I mean, Congress lies constantly.  This is the only language they understand.  If his deceit is proven in a court of law, maybe Clemens should be forced to represent Texas in the House of Representatives for a two-year term.  Call it perjury duty. 

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you ever read the book Living Beyond Fear?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Yes, it scared the shit out of me.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Discord Apology XXXIV
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time.  We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity.  Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.

Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.

On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter.  In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.

Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well. 

I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine.  The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help.  On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I accidentally found your work entitled Inspiring Women to Heel.  You control freak sicko! 

Tanya



Dear Tanya,

Thank you for the feedback.  Actually, Sicko was by Michael Moore.  Your confusion stems from having read book 2 first, is all.  Please read Acceptance and Surrender: Why I Insist the Women in My Life Understand These. Only then will you master the Tao of Skull Fucking.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Not sure you are contributing to society. It seems you behave poorly after you’ve been beer drinking and hell-raising.  Maybe you need to switch to wine, or maybe you need professional help.

Sincerely,

Carman



Dear Carman,

Note sure what your question is, but I will address what I can:

A. Sure I contribute to society, just not in a positive way.

B. Wine is for people who haven’t developed a palate for beer.

C. Yes, I do behave poorly when drinking, which may explain my nickmame, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heineken.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any nick names or aliases? Just curious.

Greg D.

Straatmore, CO



Dear Greg,

Some call me the Keeper of the Sacred Knowledge. Others call me Dances with Drinks. Still others call me the Man Who Should Stop His Drunken Facebook Posts!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  And don’t even get me started on Toking Twitter Tuesdays!

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any advice for the newlyweds, William and Kate?

Sincerely,

Charles & Camilla



Dear royal peeps,

I’m really beginning to question the authenticity of some of these emails…like the last one, Vern from Vernon?  BWTF?  That’s, of course, a shamanic phrase meaning Bustie White Titty Fuckers, which is Persian for…fine, I’ll bite. 

You should have eloped!  Sure you got some tourism benefits, but jolly old England aint so f-ing jolly anymore.   Save your cash, start pinching some pounds.   Wait, that didn’t work. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and tell Kate about my next Rieki Robotripping Retreat. Don’t worry, she’ll get the royal treatment.  

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you took a header into the gravel outside of Kimball’s last night.  I don’t see how what you are doing can be called spiritual in any way, shape, or form.  I think you even shit yourself!

Dave P.

Turbotville, PA



Dear Dave,

What you call "taking a header" I call a Divine Earth Kiss, besides it couldn’t have been me.  I am banned from Kimball’s.   Either way, it would be in your best interest to read my latest work The Tao of Incontinence.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Could you talk to Eric about getting me back in there?  If they’d let me in I wouldn’t shit myself, now would I?

Ask your question, bitch...
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ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There
By Sarah Angelfire
ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There

Sorry for the delay in reporting alien impressions, but I have discovered much while working deep undercover.  No, I’m not reporting on Zano’s Viagra issues…this time.  This gets even stranger than that image, so stay with me here. Sure humans are swell.  On a universal scale, we can do a whole lot more than some other species around the cosmos (that’s even when taking into consideration Daily Discord contributors).

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:

Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke.  If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there.   It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the "BLOW" IN "BLOW JOB" IS AN EXPRESSION!  This evil machine hammers home that point, literally. 

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  For the record, a friend told me this…

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Discord Apology XXXV: The Fast and the Edit-less
Discord Apology XXXV: The Fast and the Edit-less

Philadelphia, PA—It’s retraction time again, folks.  We continue to make a whole host of mistakes here at the Discord—mistakes that not only damage our credibility, but continue to inflict consequences on any number of  individuals across the globe.

If you notice in the above picture, looters made off with the Pyramid of Chephren, not—as we stated in our initial post—the Great Pyramid of Giza.  So, apparently, someone made off with the not-so-great Pyramid of Giza…which is still pretty damn serious!  The B.A.C of our PhotoShoppers was also pretty damn serious and may have contributed to the error.

As for our moronic marquee moment, U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICA, we simply forgot the rest of that sentence.  It was supposed to read: U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICANS FROM JAPAN.   Sometimes part of the sentence slips down behind the banner, or something.  We understand why that caused a bit of panic, heh, heh, and for that we are truly sorry.

We also learned that if a horrific earthquake/tsunami hits Japan, we should wait a good 72 hours before posting a Godzilla joke.  Live and learn.

Finally, the Ghetto Shaman would also like to apologize for his crude, drunken Facebook posts last weekend.  Or, as he puts it, "Shit happens, bitches."

We are listening to your feedback, but, please keep in mind, we’re idiots.  Most of our teachers told us long ago that we would never amount to anything.  And now, as adults, our Probation Officers would like to second that motion.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

A note to Charlie:

You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis.  You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana.  You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one.  I can assist you with this.  Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit.  Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses.  So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Regrettably, the Ghetto Shaman column will not be featured this week.  The Shaman is doing important community service work this week—work assigned by his parole officer.  Kidding.  Actually, he has flown to Japan to stop a nuclear reactor's imminent meltdown.  Kidding. Actually, he has flown to California and is currently conducting a critical intervention on Charlie Sheen.  Kidding.  We don't know where he is and that's, frankly, not that unusual.

If you would like the Ghetto Shaman to answer your question, please feel free to hit the "Ask Your Question, Bitch" button below.   The Ghetto Shaman post will return next Friday...ish.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Yo, yo!

You guize iz da bomb! I tried to pik up Ur chit at Tahriri dude an' mist it. lemme juz say Ghetto Shaman iz rite down wit da Arab yut! Watch dem authoritarian regimes over next cuple weeks an see um skwirm, big man!

Taken' it to da street man, howz dem fine Discord honies mon! Bring em on in Tehran, mon, we gonna get da middle east straight yo all don no what mon!

Lil' chick'n ‘Strutn hiz stuf’

Arab Nation.org



Dear Lil’ chick’n,

What is an "Arab yut"?  I’m having a My Cousin Vinny flashback.

Sorry you missed my tour.  For being such a huge fan, I am sending you a signed copy of The Tao of Skull Fucking.

But what’s your question?  Even the one ‘sentence’ of yours that borders on a question "howz dem fine Discord honies mon!" doesn’t end in a question mark.  This piece is called Ask the Ghetto Shaman, dude. 

When you get my book, I want you to study Chapter 7: Exploring altered states of being and higher levels of consciousness with hookers.  There will be a test.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the difference between psychokinesis and telepathy?  And which, if any, have the shaman mastered?

Chad

San Fernando, CA



Dear Chad,

The spelling is totally different, for one.  Duh.  Shamans have mastered both, of course, which makes us psycho-pathic, as my rap sheet will attest.  To prove what I say, I want you to look at this card, drawn at random from an unfettered deck of 52.  Don’t tell me what it is.

Now I am going to concentrate on this card…(almost forgot my bongos).  OK…wait for it…

Is this your card?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You give your readers very little insight into your personal life, for instance, what do you do with your free time?

Clay R.

Muncie, IN



Dear Clay,

If my readers had any insight they wouldn't be visiting this site, but, fine…ahhhh, this week I got stoned, went to Egypt, and punched Anderson Cooper in the face a few times, the usual.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude? Malt liquor products? What up wit dat?

Jason M.

Henderson, NV



Dear Jason,

I do suffer from a serious alement, a strange affinity to shitty beer that shamans refer to as Fecal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Seven Minutes to Last Call: The Discord Doomsday Clock
L. Wolfe

In 1947, the board of directors of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists at the University of Chicago first published the Doomsday Clock.  It reflected the potential for catastrophic destruction of human kind (initially from nuclear annihilation and eventually from Daily Discord articles).

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman in training and I was told one of the first things on my Shamanic to-do-list is to try to find my spirit guide to aid me in my quest and my journey. How do I go about finding my spirit guide?

Benny

Haddonfield, NJ



Dear Benny,

Spirit Guide

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
By Mick Zano
The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
Mick Zano

After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS. Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture. It stared right at me, nay, right through me. Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played. When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, "I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave." Machines always call me Dave. I don’t know what that’s all about.

Christmas No Mas: or How the Crank Saved Christmas
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness.  The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege.  As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again.  What’s next?  Take the nukka out of Hanukkah?  Take the Ramada out of Ramadan?  The zaa out of Kwanzaa?  Take the birth out of Birthday?  The Bud out of Buddha?  Wait, scratch that last one. 

Discord to Flush All Toilet Humor
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site.   Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine.  Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well.  But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht).  Oh come on!  Edit that out, Winslow.  Damn you!

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you embrace all that’s wrong with the world today, Shaman.  You glorify the seedier side of life, filled with drugs and thugs, a place where crap is king.

Mindset



Dear Mindset,

All of life is spirit, not just the peaches and cream.  The warrior’s path leads beyond good and evil to happy hour.  Where you see a Wild Turkey, I see a Crown Royal, where you see a stripper, I see the Sacred Dance of the Pagan Pookas, and where you see the world going to pot…er, I like pot.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and where you see a bloated Shaman leaving a Mexican restaurant, I see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

The Ghetto Shaman column will not be posted tonight due to unforeseen circumstances involving copious amounts of Mentos, Pepsi, hookers, Alka-Seltzer, and Xtreme Sour Apple Pop Rocks.  The authorities are not sure if this was a publicity stunt or a suicide attempt.  

We, at the Discord, like to think he was trying to reach a higher plane of existence through stupidity—by pushing the boundaries of enlightened inappropriateness.  Or, perhaps even more likely, it was some type of ill-conceived bar bet gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

We will keep you posted if and when he regains consciousness.  Meanwhile, the Shaman asks that all of his fans rent Don’t Mess with the Zohan and Zoolander.  If enough people watch these movies at the same time, he believes it will create a tear in the Universe through which he can return to the living.  

Sincerely,

Pierce X. Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
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Giant Ghetto Shaman Head Unearthed in Clifton!
Giant Ghetto Shaman Head Unearthed in Clifton!

Clifton, NJ—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, has startled the archeological community again with his excavation of a giant statue of The Daily Discord’s columnist, the Ghetto Shaman.  Dr. Hogbein has spent much of his career seeking an ancient race situated between the Hackensack and the Passaic River in a land known as Middle-Jersey.

Dr. Hogbein believes this civilization existed in Jersey an astounding forty-thousand years ago.  He also believes the Ghetto Shaman receives nightly transmissions from the Toltec gods and may well be an avatar, returning again and again when the world is in most need of public drunkenness.

"We weren’t sure this was actually the same Shaman until we reached the Basal Paleolithic level (c. 39,000 B.C.)," said Dr. Hogbein.  "There we discovered a necklace comprised of partially consumed chicken wings, possibly of the early Domino’s or Papa John’s variety.  We became certain at the pre-Specialty Brew level, where numerous empty cans of malt liquor products were found."

The Ghetto Shaman has responded to the professor’s theories thusly, "The only nightly transmission I receive involves a professional woman named Isis."

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Discord Derides Daily Show for Rally Folly
Discord Derides Daily Show for Rally Folly

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is pursuing legal action against The Daily Show for hosting a rally on the same day, same time, and at the same place with similarly designed rally posters.

"Our D.C. rally got no publicity!" said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "The Ghetto Shaman’s speech and subsequent arrest were simply a footnote, a distraction, a freak show!"

To add insult to perjury, Stewart is denying any wrongdoing and told Rachel Maddow in a recent interview, "There’s no real honor in satire."

Winslow feels this is an obvious slight directed at the Discord.

"Excuse me?" said Winslow. "Haven’t you read our coverage on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day? We changed journalism to something wholly other that day…like gournalism. And, as for your other comments during that interview, we are a fake fake News organization, which is completely different."

Here is a Pierce Winslow excerpt from the actual lawsuit letter:

"I believe The Daily Discord is the victim of illegal and discriminatory rally practices. I have fully investigated my rights in this matter—and by ‘I’, I mean I have people for that, and by ‘fully investigated’, I mean I have conducted several non-porn related Google searches (NPRGS)."

Find the entire letter here.

"Bottom line, we spared no expense on those rally banners," added Winslow, "…well, some expense on Zano’s, obviously."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

My Journey:

Success! On Oct 30th, I prepared the Mad Dog 20/20 in the traditional Toltec manner of opening the top.  I then procured nutmeg from a local spice store.  Actually, someone scored it for me; I’ve been banned.  I ingested the mixture and exited this dimensional plane of existence, stage left.  I fought the Xemmoni, the Darcarre, and the Spin Monsters to reach the spiritual representation of America—in this case, Sam Kinison.  I lost most of his teachings, because of all the yelling, but I did make out: "YOU F***ING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my ****ing records back!"

You should all begin to feel different now, somehow lighter, more-centered, more-connected to the Earth and all of its inhabitants.  Now someone post my ****ing BAIL, BITCHES!  AHHhhHhh!  AHHhhhhh!

The Ghetto "Sam" man

Ask your question, bitch...
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Cobra Sucks: or why at 42 I want Obamacare to Allow Me Back on My Parent’s Insurance
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA. 

SUCCESS!

Washington, DC—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath is live today from the National Mall, where an estimated "shit load" of people are arriving for the Ghetto Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  "There is mass confusion here, however, as other events seem to be occurring simultaneously," said McGrath. "There are other posters circulating, similar in design to the Shaman’s.  Not sure if this is splinter group, or a tribute, or something more sinister."

In an effort to save America, the Shaman planned to enter an alternate dimension by ingesting six Ziploc bags of ground nutmeg and six flasks of Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20. McGrath had a chance to talk to the Shaman before his departure from this realm.

The Shaman reportedly said, "Wooh hoooh, bitches!" before stumbling down the steps outside of the Lincoln Memorial into the hands of security personnel. 

Some theorize the Ghetto Shaman was doused in baby oil to lessen the friction between dimensions, whereas others believe he is just a sick bastard.  Did his altered state of consciousness allow him to complete his task?  Is our country’s soul safely back in one piece?  We may never know the truth, or at least not until Winslow makes his bail again. 

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Are You Going to The Ghetto Shaman's D.C. Rally Saturday?
Are You Going to The Ghetto Shaman's D.C. Rally Saturday? Hell no.  Too close to Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day!
Hell no. Too close to Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day!
 
Enlarge...
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Midterms Looming: Will Republicans Stop the Budgetary Madness?
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

It’s less than two weeks until the midterm elections, and people need to be aware of our current debt situation.  It sucks.  This latest adjective comes from the National Council of Economic Advisors.   Actually, it comes from me.  But, having studied the subject intensely, I would like to add a ‘really’ at this time. So now the national debt officially ‘really sucks’.

Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dearest Ghetto Shaman,

My apologies, but I must disengage from our relationship. My Laurel is withering in the canyon from your lack of attention. Without your spiritual enrichment to fertilize my canyon, I must find satisfaction elsewhere. I am moving to Vegas, perhaps Bald Tony's Rhythmic Séance (BTRS) can bring forth the Genie in my bottle.

A regretful goodbye, your "little flower".

Laurel Canyon



Dear Laurel,

Hey, I may not be the sharpest shaman in the sweat lodge, but I think your email is a tad suggestive.  Sorry, but that was all just pillow talk, baby.  You still have an open invitation to hit my contact button any time.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Just not tonight, I’ll be masturbating to Christine O’Donnell ads

Ask your question, bitch...
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Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer
Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer

Washington, DC—Perturbed by recent events, President Obama called for another of his highly-hyped Beer Summits.  This time our Head of Suds met with comedian Jon Stewart and news correspondent, Rick Sanchez, to mend some fences.  Sanchez recently lost his job, anchoring at CNN, after claiming Stewart is a "bigot" and for claiming "Jews are hardly a repressed minority." Meanwhile, Jon Stewart hasn’t warmed up to any of Obama’s summits and is making fun of them regularly on The Daily Show.  

The administration considered calling it Beer Summit! Part Deux and, for some reason, Breakin' 2: Eclectic Brewgaloo, but, due to the historic importance, Obama combined the best of his Beer Summits and his Backyard Summits and went with Backyard Beer Summit.

"This close to the mid-term elections I need my media commentators back on message," said Obama. "And that’s when I have Michelle hit the old Pay & Take for 40oz cans of malty diplomacy."

The summit started off on a rocky note, however, when Sanchez said, "Sorry, Jon, I know deep down you’re really not a Jew."

Stewart responded, "Why don’t you go taze yourself again, bro?"

A fight ensued between the three which the Secret Service thankfully captured on their cell phones.  As it turns out, the initial argument between Sanchez and Stewart was a misunderstanding.  Sanchez thought the word bigot meant: gay, a ciggie or a bundle of sticks.

"It was terrible to see," said our Chief White House Correspondent, Cokie McGrath.  "I haven’t seen that much beer abuse since The Ghetto Shaman’s ejection from the Luxor."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Help! I turn on one show, like Glenn Beck, and Obama's a plant and we're all doomed. I turn on another channel and everything's getting better. I turn on still another channel and someone's eating bugs! I don't understand the world anymore!

Mark

Seattle, WA



Dear Mark,

Nonsense, you have already identified the problem and the solution. Problem: when one side is in charge they will always say everything is peachy and, when they fall out of power, they will immediately revert to we are all doomed. You have also identified the solution, eat bugs. They are an excellent source of protein. Sadly, this is the only valid point Zano has ever made.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And as for Glenn Beck, don't worry, he'll be fired from Fox within the first week of the Romney Administration

Ask your question, bitch...
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Fox News & the Tea Party: Sometimes There Isn’t Safety in Numbers
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew.  But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed.  So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

Earth is Flat Museum Opens in Kentucky!
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

Despite some setbacks, The Daily Discord is proud to announce the grand opening of the Earth is Flat Museum—ironically located in the hills of Kentucky (in the alley behind Ed’s Wok, next to the Dumpster, across from The Creation Museum).  The museum’s curator, Lloyd "Bubba" Hickenson, had hoped the opening ceremony would be led by Thomas Friedman, but the award winning New York Times’ columnist insists his version of a ‘flat world’ is metaphorical only. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I thought your essay on Love, Spirituality, and Spooge was revolting.  Can’t you find something better to do with your free time than demean women?  You give New Age a bad name!

Gale P.

Houston, TX



Dear Gale,

Free time?  I’ll have you know I’m inappropriate to women in the workplace too.  Well, if I were gainfully employed, that is.  But, ahhh, maybe you should give my latest book a miss, Inner Paths to Pussy.  Just saying.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do you balance your enlightened journey with your alcohol consumption?  The two would seem to work against one another. As I have heard it said, what we love will eventually kill us. 

Chuck

Milford, CT



Dear Chuck,

This is precisely why I keep my X-girlfriends chained in the basement.  Well, one of the reasons.  As for balancing alcohol with a spiritual discipline, you have hit upon the very crux of the matter!  Read my book Living Gaia, Killing Liver and all will be distilled…I mean revealed.  Really, I meant revealed.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Oh Great Ghetto Shaman,

I have been told that when your ears ring, it means that someone is talking about you behind your back. What does it mean when you get that little bit of pre-puke that coughs up into your mouth sometimes?

Thanks,

Intrigued



Dear Intrigued,

It means my...*ahem*...*ack*...excuse me, is a little too big for your mouth.  Sorry, but this line comes from a long oral tradition.  Oh, and that can make your ears ring too (or so I’m told).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Kidding, of course.  Pre-puke is the Harbinger of Hurl.  There is an old Olmec saying, "Allow the spew to drink more brew."   A wise and noble race…

Ask your question, bitch...
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I’m Working with Dingbats!  More Discord Editors Fired

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord editing crew continues to be derailed by Microsoft Word 2007.   Actually, they’re derailed by any number of things—an extreme lack of competence comes to mind.   Fools!  Please send all submission in 1997-2003 format, under pain of death. When the last document from Dave Atsals arrived, but would not open properly, this is what they did (see below). They actually edited the dingbats!  Bad enough they have to edit the contributors, who are arguably dingbats.  If anyone is looking for an editing job at the Discord, if you can successfully hit the Contact Us button, you’re hired.

Oh, and on a side note, if you want to email the Ghetto Shaman, don’t call him names. It’s actually his job to call you names, "bitches!" That’s a quote, people.  As a business man, I would never call any of you bitches.  Also, on all submissions please at least include your first name, last initial, and town/state.  16 cent and Flav7 just isn’t cutting it. The Shaman expects, neigh, the Shaman demands some context so he can go do that voodoo that he does so well, bitches.  Ooops.  That was mine, but it just slipped out.  Honest.

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From My Cold Dead Amendments: Thomas Was Wrong to Invoke the 14th in Support of the 2nd Amendment
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

Our 2nd Amendment rights remain in jeopardy.  Former Congressman and 2008 Libertarian Candidate Bob Barr wrote in his publication The Barr Code, that Justice Thomas was the only Supreme Court Justice to issue an opinion rooted in constitutional law.  Barr is wrong and can no longer do shots in my bar (pardon the gun).

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why are there such universal threshold guardians? People seem to encounter the same creatures in shamanic trances and under certain hallucinogens from Russia, to Mesoamerica, to the U.S. What do you make of jaguars and snakes guarding all the sacred realms and sacred places of the earth and beyond?

Jay M.

Kokomo, IN



Dear Jay,

Like the great mystic Shakespeare tells us, that which we call a bouncer by another name would still be an asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say "Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don't like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don't dare let it go." I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?

Mauled Forearms,

Onandaga, NY



Dear Mauled Forearms,

Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish.  I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point.  It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori.  Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m sure you’re familiar with the Hopi tale of the two wolves. Well, judging from reading your "advice," perhaps not. Here it is in a nutshell: An old Hopi Chief told his young grandson that all of us have two wolves inside of us, one good, and one bad. These two wolves are constantly locked in a fearsome fight to the death within us. Quizzically, the young Hopi looked up to his grandfather and asked " Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old Hopi Chief paused, "The one that you feed…" I think you’re feeding the wrong wolf, bitch.

A True Shaman



Dear True Shaman (whose subtleties do not escape me)

Isn’t Wolf Bitcher on CNN?  Howling Wolf feeds my bluesy soul, dude.  An old Hopi Chief once said to me, "There’s no drinking on the Rez, bitch.  Go back into town for that shit." 

A Truer Shaman

P.S. Oh, and at night I become a wolf…or at least on long weekends. 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency.  This point dawned on me amidst your work The  Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage.  It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote "Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit."

Jill Y.

Ely, NV



Dear Jill,

Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill.  But, hey, keep buying my books!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: "[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory."  As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why do you call all of your fans, bitches?  It doesn’t sound like the best way to build a readership to me.

Tommy G.

Montauk, NY



Dear Tommy,

The word bitches is simply a term of endearment, asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Mad Dog 20/20: My Guardian Spirit and I really don’t think your Skank’s Healing Dungeon is going to help anyone.   Also, Sarah Palin does not have a new Italian cookbook out called Going Ragu, and the sacred power of pyramids has nothing to do with Amway products.  If you were wondering, that’s just the corrections from the Preface.

Susan R.

Dixon, CA



Dear Susan,

Sometimes it is necessary to make retractions.  You see, enlightenment is not a stagnant thing.  One can continue to grow and share in the splendor of this wondrous unfolding Universe, only through rigorous honesty.   One must always be ready and willing to stand up and promptly admit one’s mistakes.  I think you should do that now, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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The Bone Gang Destroys Pluto
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print.  Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?

Ann Coulter Sued by Opportunistic Leftist Bitches
Ann Coulter Sued by Opportunistic Leftist Bitches

A group of New Jersey moms have announced their intentions today of filing a lawsuit against Ann Coulter for inflammatory statements made last week at Princeton University while she crushed the life out of a small puppy.  The five progressive feminists are "deeply hurt and offended" by Coulter’s remarks.

"She called us names, which we categorize as hate speech, and we hate her speeches as well," said Betty Jenkins of Tom’s River.

"My ears are still bleeding," added Barb Nelson of Camden.  "Not because of her speech, Ann repeatedly jammed a pen into them."

In retaliation to the hurtful verbiage, the group plans to create a PhotoShopped version of Coulter in a Nazi uniform sporting a strap-on.  They then plan to barrage the internet with these images through their wildly popular Facebook pages.

"We have reason to believe she is a Nazi lesbian," said Mrs. Jenkins.  "Or, at least that was our conclusion at the last ‘all pussy pajama party’" (as seen on the Ghetto Shaman’s favorite links!)

"It’s ridiculous," responded Coulter.  "I already have a penis, so a strap-on is totally superfluous, and, more importantly, my Nazi uniform fits."

Coulter feels these "sniveling prissy liberal sluts" are going to get theirs and then she inquired as to the time and location of the next ‘all pussy pajama party.’  Incidentally, so did the Ghetto Shaman.

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God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry
God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry

Intercourse, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, watched as the Supreme Diety burned his rural Pennsylvania home to the ground over Memorial Day weekend.

"It was horrible," said Winslow.  "God can really make you feel helpless.  Sure, you can flip him off and yell obscenities from your front lawn, but if that fucker wants to torch your house, he’s gonna do it."

Winslow believes that God tried to contact the Daily Discord several times last week, but his messages were ignored.

"Zano just doesn’t answer shit," said Winslow.  "He’s like an idiot savant without the savant.  We have good people contributing material and we never answer any of them. God himself even tried our contact button last week, but we rarely answer such things.  Heck, there’s a porn star that keeps emailing the Ghetto Shaman and we didn’t even answer her last few questions.  So, under those circumstances, what chance does God have for a response, really?  On that note, what’s the difference between a porn star and God?  I would get up early on Sunday for a porn star."

Winslow added, "I don’t even know why he’s sticking up for Muhammad.  That prophet has issues.  Somehow our article Jesus to be Brought before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case goes unnoticed, not to mention all of our recent Pope bashing and now the big guy goes and picks a fight?"

Winslow wants God to know that a Mr. Cohen will be pressing his contact button soon, bitch.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In an Iboga induced trance (IIT), I have contacted my Ancestral Spirits.  They have instructed me to become a contributor for the Daily Discord.  Do you need any help at this time?

Harry

Lake Grove, NY

P.S.  See, I’m already hip with those lousy acronym jokes.



Dear Harry,

A contributor, really? I think you’ve been chewing on the wrong root, my friend.  Tell your Ancestral Spirits that Winslow is impossible to work for.  Tell them, they should haunt his ass for eternity. You should consider working for a reputable e-zine, like over at NinjaLesbians.com.  I’m trying to get in with those bitches, literally.  Think about it: The Daily Discord or Ninja Lesbians?  Follow the path of the warrior…or, in this case, the naked ninja, hot girl-on-girl action, warrior.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I don’t listen to my living ancestors, let alone my dead ones.  Do I have to teach you people everything?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Get Zyprexa! and, sorry, but the highest teaching in the Tibetan tradition does not involve oral sex.  Who was your teacher, anyway?

Bill

Ely, NV



Dear Bill,

You misunderstand.  All I was saying is that it should.   My teacher is a very old shaman from the Kickapoo tribe, Shits-as-he-Walks Murphy.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you referenced something called the Golden Age of Public Masturbatory Practices.  Whaaa?

Jon M.

Rehoboth, MD



Dear Jon,

Ah yes, GAPMP.  To fully understand this important aspect of my teachings, you would really have to join one of my weekly enlightenment jerkshops.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Serious Solutions Sought for Sesame Street's Social Slide
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

My two toddlers were watching Sesame Street the other day.  I’m just happy when they stop playing Resident Evil. So I decided to sit down and watch one of my favorite childhood shows with them.  First off, I am first generation Sesame Street watcher, so I figured it would be some good family time.  Besides, I always try to put on a good facade when the social workers are "visiting."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your power animal? Just curious.

Devin P.

Richmond, VA



Dear Devin,

The horse is my power animal. Colt 45 forties to be more specific.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods, what did you mean by your quote, "in parts of the U.S. and Canada the Shaman was restored to the wild"???

P.S. I do not believe you can successfully use malt liquor products as a medium of spiritual transformation.

Fred

Willow Creek, CA



Dear Fred,

I was captured, tagged, and released in Pennsylvania state forest land, along with about twenty other Shamans in the spring of 2004.  It was just another eco-liberal attempt to restore the Shaman to parts of North America, while pissing off as many republicans as possible.  I chewed off my tag, so they can no longer track my migration. 

P.S.  I can transform with malt liquor products just fine! You should see me around last call at Carl’s Pub. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wrestling with what to do about my mother’s failing health. She is getting up there in years but the idea of a nursing home scares her.  I’m just not ready for this, but I fear she might be.  Thoughts?

Sandy E.

Sierra Vista, AZ



Dear Sandy,

Good news! I would like to announce the grand opening of my new nursing home in northern Arizona, a land sacred to my bartenders.  My nature nursing home retreat can accommodate any number of elderly folk.  Heck, they stack like cord wood.  During the summer months, my program focuses on Sweat Lodging and, for the winter months, I have designed a series of meditations to increase body temperature despite the extreme cold. At my roadside culvert for the aged, I will always be available for your loved one (or at least at the bar across the street).  If suffering is the key to enlightenment, then this program is surely strife in the fast lane

No senior citizen discounts for obvious reasons.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Discord at the Discord: or, Why as a Contributor I’ve Resorted to Death Threats and Violence
By L. Wolfe
Statue of Daily Discord CEO Pierce Winslow toppled
L. Wolfe

To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article.  I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano).  This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant.  I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you Mayan?   You look Mayan.  Did you ever have festivals to honor the Feathered Serpent when you were a kid back in Maya?

Ben

Oshkosh, WI



Dear Ben,

I’m old, but not thousands of years old.  Er…Maya? There was a Seven Deadly Sins Festival held each year in my hometown.  Each day would honor one of the coveted deadly sins.  The festival was actually only six days, though, because no one ever got around to organizing Sloth Day.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Free Speech for Those who Can Afford It: An Informed Rebuttal
By Rick Right Pernick
Republican elephantism stomps Obama
Rick Right Pernick

In March 2002, President George W. Bush signed into law the McCain Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Bill, which essentially restricted the free speech rights of groups within 30 days prior to an election cycle.  Later, GWB, the former president not the bridge, would excuse his actions claiming while he was aware of the unconstitutional restriction of free speech, he signed the bill anyway assuming the law would be challenged and overturned by SCOTUS.  Shouldn’t he have championed freedom of speech?  Shouldn’t’ that &^%ing @$$ #$%* (shamelessly censored) defend our 1st Amendment *&^%s (not so shamelessly censored)?!

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You tend to glorify alcohol consumption.  I think you are missing the bus here.  The Dalai Lama once said, "Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

Gail

Rolla, MO



Dear Gail,

Mwwaaaah?  Is it not Ozzy Osbourne who once said, "Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus." 

Check and mate…

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you available for speaking engagements? I am hosting an all-female adult movie star convention in Las Vegas in a few weeks and was wondering if you may be available.

Thanks!

Laurel Canyon



Dear Laurel,

Is this a trick question?  Actually, I’m a busy man.  I certainly can’t go to every all-female porn convention that I’m invited to…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Send the details!  Can I bring Zano, Atsals, and Bald Tony?  They’re usually well behaved at such events.  That didn’t sound convincing, did it?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Obama’s Economic Team Seen Entering Cash Advance Establishment
Obama staff members coming and going from Advance Cash

Washington, DC - President Obama has refused to comment on the picture, seen here, of the President, along side of his top economic advisors, entering a notorious south D.C. cash advance establishment.  Obama also denied allegations he is supplementing the Federal Reserve in such a manner. When specifically questioned about his whereabouts last weekend, Obama said everything from "blowing loads of cash in Las Vegas" to "hiking the Appalachian Trail with Senator Sanford."  None of the stories checked out, however.  Last weekend, Bald Tony was in Vegas ‘blowing loads of cash’ and the Ghetto Shaman was hiking the Appalachian Trail naked. Neither report seeing Obama at these locations.

When confronted by the press, Obama said, "Look, you might see me going into a cash advance place, but you’re not going to find a picture of me leaving with any cash.  Have you seen the United States’ credit score lately?"

Obama is also denying allegations he was spotted at a pawn shop with the East Room portrait of George Washington.  When reporters noticed the empty wall this week, Obama explained he was simply having the missing picture shampooed.  When questioned why he is still wearing the Groucho Marx mustache/glasses combo, Obama pretended not to hear the question and ended the press conference.

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The Transcosmetic Party:  No. We Don’t Necessarily Wear Dresses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s time for a third party, a truth seeking party, a truly independent party, a Transcosmetic Party!  There is certainly a movement in America, but currently it’s brainless and leaderless (hint: when Sarah Palin is your keynote speaker, your movement needs a major laxative).  Our zombie zeitgeist moans on as the Teabag movement only adds to the unrest.  Having forty-percent of America ready and willing to vote-in any chimp with the tallest pointy white cap is not encouraging. Let me know how that Brown thing works out for you Massivetwoshits.  Populous outrage is one thing, but misguided populous outrage is quite another. 

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

Should Obama cave to China and not visit with the Dalai Lama?  After all, they are the Boss now, right?

Chuck G.

New York, NY



Dear Chuck,

The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.

The Dude is the Big Lebowski.

Osama lives in a cave, not Obama.

And only Nixon can go to China (and he's dead; ain't that a bitch?)

Hope this helps,

The Dalai Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I love your work.  But what do you think that freaky Norway cloud spiral was last month?  I heard thousands of people witnessed this image in the night sky.  Is it some alien Fibonaccian message?  Does it tie in with Mayan Cosmogenesis?  What could create such a freakishly large display?  Do you have any idea?

Vie

Medford, OR



Dear Vie,

The Ghetto Shaman uses his psionic powers

No…

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think the signs from Revelations are here!  Obama may well be the Antichrist.

"And he shall speak great words against the most High, and shall wear out the saints of the most High, and think to change times and laws."

From the book of Daniel (my emphasis on change).

Devin

Greeley, CO



Dear Devin,

Your emphasis on change, eh?  So God doesn’t use bold and italics?  Blessed is the Microsoft Toolbar. Look, I am the most High and typically the most Drunk and Obama never talks to me.  In fact, he has a restraining order against me!  Don’t you think the Antichrist would be able to get us the Olympics, and maybe some of those death panels?  What law has he managed to change?  You really think Obama’s the Antichrist?  Maybe one of Jerry’s Antichrists.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  My emphasis on really.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

During your last sweat lodge retreat Sex Sauna Sunday, you told the survivors that you never forget a face, because you have the memory of a hippopotamus.  Didn’t you mean the memory of an elephant?

Stephanie

Mechanicsburg, PA



Dear Stephanie,

Whatever… But anyway, glad you made it, kid.  You are a true warrior.  Now don’t forget my workshop next Thursday: Discover Your Gifts and Abilities at the Expense of Others.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wondering about the significance of a personal vision quest as it relates to the greater shamanic tradition.

Ralph

Sioux City, IA



Dear Ralph,

I think Vision Quest is that eyeglass place where you can get your prescription lenses back within an hour.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You know nothing of Shamanism!  For I have faced the Mysterium Tremendum (the great unknown), swam in shamanic ecstasy, sang to my plant guides, and basked in the glory of the Great Spirit.

Swami Ananda

Brooklyn Heights, NY



Dear Swami,

Oh, yeah…well, I got shit faced on pot, ecstasy, and Delirium Tremens (the great Belgian-style ale), swam naked in the Susquehanna, and stewed in the top-shelf shit myself, Sherlock. 

I believe the chakra is now in your cave.

 The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a member of the Gender Inequality Project, and I read your book The Universe Loves You More than You Know: Especially If You Pass Out at One of My Parties and my group is considering legal actions to stop you and your ‘so called’ teachings.  I am also very curious as to the reason behind your popularity in the first place. 

Karla

Soho, NY



Dear Karla,

I don’t mind inequality, just as long as it’s done fairly. You should come to one of my parties, Karla.  In fact, bring over your whole lesbo crew!  Tell those bitches to drink up and pass out in my Kamaslutra video room.  Oh, and BYOB.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Authenticity Through Faking Orgasms, somewhere in Chapter four, entitled Inner Wisdom Inner Twat, it dawned on me, you have deep-seated, unresolved issues with women.  It is as if you are taking a big dump along the mystical path.

John

Framingham, MA



Dear John,

Shit Crappens…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Read my seventh book Liberation Through Defecation, particularly chapter three, The Fart of War.  Now contemplate the sound of one cheek farting. 

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any forecast for the near future? A lot of people feel some serious stuff is going to go down in the years to come, and I was wondering about your thoughts on the subject.

Thanks!

Jackie O

Hemet, CA



Dear Jackie,

Here’s my forecast:

2010 2011 2012
Sunny Skies Partly Cloudy 50% Chance of Mayan Gods

The Ghetto Shaman

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Cultural Facilitation for Dummies
By Pokey McDooris

Walking out the front door without a plan is my usual M.O. With no destination, I step into Limbo, walking on a whim. This method has lead to spontaneous creativity, synchronistic encounters, adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, jail time, and a liver the size of a Buick.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Let’s say the Mayans really could see into the future, but what if they didn’t tap into the actual events of 2012, but the trailer of the upcoming movie 2012?  It could explain everything!

Steve

Berlin, NH



What if, during your birth, oxygen was not supplied to your brain for several minutes?  It could explain everything!

The Ghetto Shaman

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Hey,

If you’re so smart, how come in your book A Shamans Wisdom: Stop Limiting Your Spiritual Practice to Pot and Alcohol you left out the possessive in the title?  I would hang a dead chicken outside of your editor’s front door, dude.

Jack

Susanville, CA



Dear Jack,

I did not leave out the possessive!  If a loved one becomes possessived by evil spirits, you can regain control in chapter five of my latest work: Calling Upon the Power of Your Ancestors to Fuck with People. Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I know when I’ve found the right teacher?  There are so many fakes and charlatans out there.  This is a big deal.  Any suggestions?  

Staci

West Bend, WI



Dear Staci,

Choosing the right teacher is one of the biggest decisions of your life!  The right teacher traditionally strings half-eaten chicken wings around his neck and smells of alcohol.  And remember, the first step in the journey to self-discovery begins with my latest philosophical treatise: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dude,

WTF? What is the problem with the Thai stick? Ever since Clinton got back from North Korea with them fine Asian honeys that were "very grateful, he, he" I aint been able to get dat fine Thai stick. Hook me up, dude!

The Wolfenstein and his girly girls



Dear Whatsisface and his chicky chicks,

I’m confused.  Thai stick is everywhere now, even in convenience stores.  I swear by the stuff.  If I’m on a business luncheon and I get food on my tie, it takes even the toughest stains right out.  I carry a tube of Thai Stick® in my house and one for the glove box in my car.  Consider yourself hooked up, dude and dudettes.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Apes, Shamans, and Atsals on Health Care
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

The Crank and the Mick have both missed the point on the topic of health care.  Therefore, I need to put in my three cents.  My three cents includes something they tend to overlook, common sense (or dollars).  I may be jumping the gun a little bit about Crank and Mick’s articles and opinions, but I doubt it.  Truth be told, I read only the titles of their posts, that seems to be more than enough for me this week.  My guess is the Crank is of the opinion that any form of public health care will ruin the country outright, and Mick feels nothing will ever work because George W. Bush was once our president.  Mick probably related this to the ever-growing national level of consciousness and seven different political talk show hosts so obscure it would take a PhD in C-span 2 to decipher.  The Crank probably related it to a funny colored big ape, perhaps the same one they were testing The Ghetto Shaman’s latest “cures” on.  He probably attacked Mick’s position in the form of very colorfully worded outbursts of CAPITALIZED SENTENCES!!! 

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Other than your work, which I found to be nonsensical-tripe, what further reading do you recommend for a serious Shamanic wannabe?

Sincerely,

Ted

Scranton, PA



Dear Ted,

Please, you cannot ignore my entire body of work! I can assure you that my next book, Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods will not be so easily dismissed!

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Out here near Seattle, there is a very nice retreat house on Whidbey Island that welcomes all faiths. Could the Ghetto Shaman host a retreat here in the Seattle area?

Phillip

Seattle, WA



Dear Phillip,

I arrange everything through my agent.  But I don’t have an agent.  So no.   An island, you say, hmmmn.  I’ll tell you what, you bring the chicks of all faiths and I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Spirographic Dianetics and the Evolution of Consciousness
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Some aren’t going to buy what I’m peddling today, but that’s OK.  It’s still America, no matter what the Discord’s CEO thinks (Commie bastard!).  First off, my writing is not designed to offend the many dickwads that don’t get it.  At least one individual is wondering about this color coding thingie (CCT) that I keep mentioning in my posts. You will be hearing more and more about Spiral Dynamics, Transpersonal Psychology, and the evolution of consciousness, because the truth has a tendency to stick around, like the Ghetto Shaman after last call.  Of course, on the downside of this subject matter, anything even hinting at a hierarchy of ideas is always met with condemnation, er…like the Ghetto Shaman after last call. 

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was unfortunate enough to have attended one of your ‘Sin-posiums’ over at Raystown the other night.  During your longwinded infomercial on something called a Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs, you kept going on about the ‘foosball gestalt buggers’ as if everyone in the audience knew what the hell you were talking about, and, well, what the hell were you talking about?

Kurt Martins

Jersey Shore, PA



Dear Kurt,

I remember you.  You were that dick, right?  The foosball gestalt buggers, hmmmn.  You’re going to have to be more specific.  Do you remember how I used the term in context?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ghetto Shaman,

The Bible tells us God was Isaiah, God was Jesus, God was King Solomon, God was Jonah and the whale. God is present in each and every corner of this vast Universe, but nowhere, sir, do I see God present in you! You are a fraud and a crank!

Michael Barren

Fergus Falls, MN



Dear Michael,

Actually the Crank is the guy with the old gorilla at the top of his column.  I’m the guy with the half-eaten chicken bones around my neck, an honest mistake.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  It would take huffing three kitchens worth of cleaning products before I could understand how God could be both Jonah and the whale.  I will consider that a challenge, sir.  And I will let you know.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book, Shamanic Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, and one passage has me perplexed:


I read the signs in the sacred fire; I entered the green reptile’s web; I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage; I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows; and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval.


P.S.  Oh, and who are the Cross-dressing Guatemalans? 


Sincerely,

Jack Lavin

Beaver Dam, WI



Dear Jack,

Thank you for you patronage, one who dams his beavers.  The meaning of my work could not be clearer:


I read the signs in the sacred fire (I smoked some pot with Pokey); I entered the green reptile’s web (I had to pay a cover at the Bullfrog Brewery); I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage (I vomited in the alley); I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows (there was a Dead cover band over at the gay bar); and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval (I made it to Carl’s Pub for last-call by sneaking around that bouncer who hates me).


The Cross-dressing Guatemalans usually frequent the, aforementioned, gay bar.


The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I must admit to being a New Age newbie.  What the heck is Chi?  And what exactly is a super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation?   I hear these crazy things bandied about in the course of my studies, but I must admit to being completely lost sometimes. 

Bobby Tonelli

Kennebunkport, ME



Dear Bobby,

(or may I call you Bobert?)

You must harness your Chi. You must cultivate your Chi.  At the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss, Chi is the key, you see! You must make the Chi your pet, a Chia Pet, if you will.  As for the super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation, I use prune juice, a warrior’s drink.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your attempt at a “sequel” to His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness is truly appalling.  The Fart of Crappiness is an affront to all Buddhists. Actually, it’s an affront to all people!  You have missed each and every major point of Buddhist mysticism. If I ever run into you in a dark alley it will be a true test for me to ‘harm none.’

Gary Kissel

Monroe, LA



Dear Gary,

Indeed, at the heart of all Zen lies a staggering contradiction.   I am such a contradiction.  No I’m not.  See?   Hope this helps. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Mr. Shaman,

My life has been a series of hardships.  I fight pain every day. I’m a burden to my kids...what is the meaning of life?  Where can I find some relief?  If I don’t get some direction I’m just going to take all my medications and be done with it!

Jack Guernsey

Garfield, NJ



Dear Jack,

You have reached the desk of the Ghetto Shaman.  I am out drinking, humping, or having profound spiritual insights with younger women (involving leather). Your email is important to me.  Next week if someone happens to ask the same question, I will be happy to answer it.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often.  My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.

Wayne LeRoy

Garfield, NJ



Dear Wayne,

Good riddance to the bitch.  See?  You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken.  Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything!  Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Enlightenment seems such a mystery to me. The ego must be strong before it is destroyed? Striving for enlightenment is a barrier to enlightenment itself? There are so many ‘sound of one hand clapping’ type paradoxes that the main point keeps eluding me.

Dedra Farley

Tempe, AZ



Dear Dedra,

Very true, Dedra. At the heart of Zen are confounding paradoxes designed to help focus the mind. For example, to the untrained eye, even I myself may appear like an addicted amoral opportunistic, criminal-minded type, but in actuality, er……all right, bad example.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Amurican Education and that Bitch Kimmy Grenawitz
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

When my fourth grade teacher, Mr. Healy, asked for potential solutions to our country’s refuse problem I thought, in my typical ‘hey, I’m only in the fourth grade but have the balls to raise my hand today’ kind of way, maybe we should send all of the garbage into space, or shoot it into the sun or something.  That was the general idea, and, no, I still haven’t gotten over his reply.  Now, he could have discussed the cost of such a venture, or the logistics of flying daily to the sun with a shuttle full of empty milk cartons, but instead my astute teacher, who always liked Kimmy Grenawitz best, said, and this part I remember quite vividly, “Space is the last place we want to pollute!”

Space; infinite, empty space; our sun, the giant yellow incinerator, thingie.  Whaaaa?

The Daily Discord: 2009 An Editing Odyssey
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

One contributor asked about the Discord’s submission and editing process, and no it wasn’t Pokey McDorkis.  He still doesn’t have internet access, or a clue.   L. Wolfe asked me, why hasn’t my article (sent to Mick Zano six months ago) been posted yet?  I explained to Mr. Wolfe, in true Discord fashion, the way an article makes it all the way from host to post. 

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale and I must admit to some confusion.  I normally like stream of consciousness stuff, but what is Midget Reiki, who exactly are the Jersey Chuds, and why do you spend weeks at a time in a bar room toilet trying to contact the Malt Liquor Gods?

Sincerely,

Michael Raney

Hagerstown, MD



Dear Michael,

Indeed, I call that style Manic-Binge writing.

First off, Midget Reiki is only for the adept.  A better place to start would be at one of my Yoga Parties. Yo-ga!  Yo-ga!

The Jersey Chuds are minions of the Chaos Pigeons; those feathery adversaries to all that is sacred.   Mick Zano and Dr. Sterling Hogbein have written extensively about them. I would recommend their works, but, as a rule I only plug my own books.

As for your third question: a Shaman’s job is to become in-tune with energies constantly percolating on the energetic plane and then alter those energies prior to their manifestation back here on the earthly plane.  I drink malt liquor products and frequent the men’s room in hopes of one day harnessing the energy of the sacred beer fart (See Fartori Experience). I believe these energies will one day power the unfolding Universe itself.  Pokey McDooris is single-colonly pushing this particular boundary.  What he can do with a burrito and forty ounces of Big Jug Xtra Malt Liquor is legendary.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Peter Sellers had it Right:  Swine Flu 101
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard through the grapevine you were in a fire of some sort?  Are you OK?

Stanley Milton

Harrisburg, PA



Dear Stanley,

No big deal.  I made a slight alchemical miscalculation and my crystal yoga lab exploded.  Luckily, I was wearing my girlfriend at the time. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

While searching for deeper shamanic states, I seem to only experience manic depressive states.  I hear voices and see shadows during the height of these manic phases.  Am I getting close?

Nancy O’Leary

Erie, PA



Dear Nancy,

Getting close?  Getting Clozaril is more like it.  Look, try harnessing your manic phases by pushing your creativity into higher vibrational frequencies, and then ask your doctor if an inpatient psych stay is right for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

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We Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Paranoia and Secret Societies
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sorry kids, like it or not we’re heading smack-dab into what an old Chinese proverb describes as “interesting times.”  These special periods of human existence are chock-full of upheavals and heaping piles of uncertainty for the whole dysfunctional family.  What is coming, you ask?

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t understand the Chakra system.  Wasn’t Chakra just that monkey boy from the Land of the Lost?  Or is there more to it?

Sammy Vimes

Seattle, WA



Dear Sammy,

Yes and No. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are obviously a gifted writer, but what was your first book ever?  I want to hear more about your early period.  You know, when you were a struggling artist trying to find yourself.  What was the motivation behind your urge to become a shaman?

Lance Parker

Troy, NY



Dear Lance,

My interest in healing came from a divine hormonal calling, which began with a vision of that chick from Weird Science in a Catwoman costume.  My first book captures the true essence of my desire for self-mastery: What is Enlightenment and Will It Get Me Laid?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are such a prolific writer, where do you recommend beginning?  Reading your work out of order, well, it just loses something. 

Sincerely,

Jake Schmidt

Reno, NV



Dear Jake,

I wrote my first book during my ‘long night of the soul,’ which I called Bernie.  At the heart of my pre-enlightened period, I wrote my first book:  Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t.  I wrote this before I was a Shaman, but after my period.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am very disappointed in a book I read of yours entitled:  Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way.  I think you are a tad off-message here, and, as a parent, I think the world would be a better place without your ‘teachings.’

Pam Stengle

Taos, NM



Dear Pam,

What? only a tad off??  My teachings and my master have taught me not to react to criticism personally….bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Putting the Mental Back in Fundamentalism
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Your assessment of fundamentalism is as flawed as your pal the ghetto shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise (never again, by the way).  You insist that there are elements of traditionalism that are fundamental to our continued evolvement as a species.  Whereas this is inherently true, few, if any of these societal guidelines needs be legislated by our marred and battered legal system. What our laws need to focus on in the twenty-first century is mutual respect and mutual respect alone…you know, Ron Paul country.  If the spirit of mutual respect can be infused through our laws and our legal system (sorry, that’s too funny) then and only then will we retain this foundation of which you speak.  By respecting each stage and each level, and by allowing each individual to remain precisely where they are in the spectrum, is all that is necessary.  All the way from our Crank Manifesto’s orange/blue rants to our Ghetto Shaman’s…ahh, you know, I can’t actually figure that guy out.  By the way, the Ghetto Shaman has moved to Florida and is sending us his ‘column’ each week on badly stained bar coasters.  

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Mr. Ghetto Shaman,

You are a disgrace!  I read what I could stomach of your latest degenerative drivel, Spiritual Healing Through Sex with Me, and I am just wondering how you could possibly sleep at night, you sick bastard?

Tanya Moore

Yuma, AZ



Dear Tanya,

If you had read my entire work, you would know how I sleep at night.  Re-read my chapter on drunken orgasms entitled: The Mad-Dog Dharma Cums.

Sinbeerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics?  Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke



Dear Kevin,

Indeed.  There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn’t…like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw the words Iboga and Cannabis Society scrawled on the restroom door at the Genetti Hotel the other day. Are you behind this association? If so, what is this movement all about?

David Counsel

Muncy, PA



Dear David,

First off, I do not scrawl things on bathroom stalls! I make my girlfriend do it. Second, the Cannabis and Iboga Society is, well, the best way to put it…er, it’s a grass-roots organization (literally). For more information, see my mission statement in its entirety in the second stall of the women’s restroom (under the phrase Bibbs is a troll lover).

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want my money back.  I recently purchased your self-published work, Coricidin: Consciousness and Condoms, and, well, it wasn’t what I expected.

Sincerely,

Lee Stickle



Dear Lee.

I never refund anything for anyone, but I do urge you to purchase, at a reduced cost, my latest work The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear ghetto Shaman,

I am a fellow shaman and find myself confused, even appalled, by some of your teachings. I too have spoken to the spirit plants. They almost universally implore us to avoid alcohol, sugar, salt, and even sex, so how do you justify your last ‘healing retreat’ entitled: Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.

Sincerely,

Lamas Gitomachus



Dear Lamas,

There are many different plants and, therefore, many different interpretations. Perhaps you are not as enlightened as you claim. Next you’ll be knocking my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Why don’t you try listening to cannabis sometime, Medicine Man, preferably with a bag of chips. 

The Ghetto Shaman.

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Enter the Ghetto Shaman
By Pokey McDooris

Traditional shamanic practices employ chanting, dancing, sweat lodge and fasting to induce altered states of consciousness. Long ago, cave dwellers created these rituals to achieve insight and wisdom. With guidance from ‘plant spirits,’ shaman priests discovered roots, vines, cacti, and mushrooms that, when ingested, stimulated the nervous system, allowing access to perceptions of abnormal frequencies of consciousness.

CPAC Run!
By Mick Zano
CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord's prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

Israeli Site Rape or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Surveillance
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I don’t understand why this whole NSA thing is a scandal. Don’t people watch the news, Fox or otherwise? How many times have people gotten nailed for sexting, porn site cruising, or questionable phone usage? Why is this news? You’d have to be an idiot to think that the Big Brother ain’t watchin’. Orwell was right, except 1984 just turned out to be a lame Van Halen album.

Antpocalypse Now: Crazy Ants Drive out Fire Ants
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

The South—Let’s face it, the American way of life isn’t what it used to be.  There are more corn byproducts than apples in our apple pies, tornados are targeting our square states, and J.J. Abrams is single handedly destroying all sci-fi franchises with the word "Star" in their name.  Worst still, chaos has crept slowly into our well-manicured backyards.

The Horny Goat Weed Question
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed?  Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east.  In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time).  On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed".  Below were the words "Proven Effective".  Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch.  What the heck?  I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items.  Who is?  But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed?

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think skullfucking is in any way a contribution to the new age movement. What is your real claim to fame, oh inappropriate one?

Walter



Dear Walter,

I am the first medicine man to point out how peeing is the perfect time to meditate. Read my Zen and the Art of Urinating. It makes for perfect bathroom material.

The Ghetto Shaman

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A Victory for Gun Owners or for Gun Sellers?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

HIKE:  A Four Letter Word for a Reason
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Against my better judgment I decided it was time to visit Zano again.  Might have had something to do with the constant "Hey, Bald Tony, I’ve visited you 635 times since you last visited me!"  Well, I do enjoy Flagstaff. It is not as fully loaded as Vegas, but it more than holds its own as a great little tourist town...despite Zano’s residency there.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spawning? Should they name the baby Taylor?

Vanessa



Dear Vanessa,

Ha ha ha. What’s the opposite of LOL?  OLO? Actually, the baby is mine, because right before Kanye climaxed I jumped in and said, "I’m really happy for you, I’m a let you finish, but Beyonce said I am one of the best in the sack of all time!"

Sincerely,

The Ghetto "of all time!" Shaman

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Obama Calls for "Courage" In Face of Pending Release of Discord Videos

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire.  The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

"There is still something called the 1st Amendment," said Obama. "Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way."

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

"We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos," said Winslow. "I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in...or, in this case, a brew in."

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. "We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project," said Winslow, "but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated."

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The Republican Scandal Identifier Kit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like...well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall
Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall

Washington, DC— Fifty-eight-years ago in Alabama, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a segregated bus and by doing so triggered a civil rights shit storm not seen since The Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Parks apparently also never served on jury duty or returned any of her library books. Yet she was honored last week with a bronze statue that will forever reside at the National Statuary Hall. Due to a number of missteps, however, many are calling the ceremony "a fiasco". Organizers unfortunately chose to play The Beatles’ Get Back as the statue was being unveiled.

Director of the exhibit, Dan Godfrey, said, "Hey, at least we didn’t go with our original idea, George Thorogood’s Move It On Over."

About halfway through the ceremony the statue was suddenly dragged to the back of the hall by a crane, causing outrage and...er...sorry, Thesaurus.com crashed tonight.

"This was not meant as an insult," insisted Godfrey. "We were simply correcting a layout mistake. We were actually reserving that spot for Chris Christie for his work after Hurricane Sandy and he’s obviously going to need some space."

President Barack Obama told those in attendance, "We can do no greater honor than to remember and to carry forward the power of...sorry, Teleprompter.com crashed tonight."

Then John Boehner stared at the new Parks statue, sobbed uncontrollably for a while, and said, "Well, she did break the law at the time, but ditto I suppose."

Organizers admitted they also got the plaque wrong. As it turns out, Rosa Parks never said, "Get these MFing snakes off this MFing bus!"

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics? Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke



Dear Kevin,

Indeed. There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn't...like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Advice please. I’m thinking about using eHarmony or Christian Mingle for some online dating, but there’s disturbing stuff in the news right now and I am concerned about venturing out into the world of E-dating.

Gale



Dear Gale,

Look no further, I have collaborated with the folks at Christian Mingle to create BibleThumperHumper.com. It’s good for all of your spiritual and nookie-related-needs (NRN).

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Don’t worry, it’s not case sensitive. And they made me put in the lousy acronym joke. Fascists

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Gun Enthusiasts Use Zombie Threat to Justify Arsenals
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, "All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!"  This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.

Discord Fraught with Major F-Ups: Apology XVCV
Pierce X. Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord would again like to apologize. This important e-zine has experienced some considerable growing pains in recent months. For one, we ran out of bandwidth during The Ghetto Shaman’s recent promotional: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. As a result our site crashed like a Value Jet in a microburst. There’s no excuse for that, especially seeing as how we only had four hits that day. Also, we now crank our marquee at the top of this site 24/7. Someone has to do that shit. It’s certainly not going to crank itself.

But the buck stops here! I, Pierce X. Winslow, take full responsibility for these recent errors and I am now immediately shifting all of that blame directly to Mick Zano, where it belongs.

In our recent article Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related" we thought the last Godzilla attack occurred in 2003 as depicted in Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. We completely forgot about Godzilla: Final Wars from 2004. Not to mention Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris from 2007. It took a reader to find this error and we have since fired those responsible.

For those following our marquee news, we already made this retraction: AS IT TURNS OUT IT WAS NOT BEYONCE AT THE WINSLOW TACO BELL LAST WEEK. In our defense, it really looked like her from the back, but we were intoxicated at the time. Still, it could have been her twin—her homeless, white, toothless twin.

Perhaps our biggest blunder of 2013 was our headline Louisiana Voodoo Shop Completely out of Curarine. Curarine is a skeletal muscle relaxant used during the creation of zombies. We apologize to all of those who were unable to raise the dead that week because, as it turned out, they still had more in the back.

As for the error in this article’s title, we don’t know a lot about Roman numerals, per say. Apparently we don’t know Latin either as I’m told it’s per se. Nevertheless, I vow The Daily Discord will be better in 2013. How could it be otherwise?

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your favorite movie and what is your favorite book?

Becca



Dear Becca,

My favorite movie of all time is Frankenhooker and my favorite book of all time...well, someone should write a book about the movie Frankenhooker.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
 
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How will you remember 2012?

Yazzie



Dear Yazzie,

I think this picture below really sums things up for me. Only in my version of reality Peppermint Patty was naked and Lucy wasn’t. Weird, huh?

The Ghetto Shaman

Charlie Brown Adic Trip
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you were arrested again, and/or in rehab.

Deuce



Dear #2,

Consider your source! Trying to stay in tune with The Discord's new level of journalistic integrity, I was arrested trying to protect my source...and for throwing a tequila bottle at arresting officers. But my source is protected, because, man, he sells the best weed in town, MFs.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I know you've said I tend to send you even more material from jail, Mr. Winslow, but this time I'm going on strike until I meet bail. (hint, hint.) Remember, it's not enabling if it brings about real meaningful change.

"I can change, I swear."

-Bob Dylan

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The Wrong Remains the Same
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I hope they don't pay you much. You don't seem to do a whole lot except put people down.

Henny



Dear Henny,

I am a spiritual guru, so I never put anyone down, asshole. Here's the thing, I don't get paid much, because our CEO is kind of a skin flint. I do get 10¢ per word and just answering your fool question is going to score me me me me me 40 oz of malty magic. Sorry, I was a coming up a little short this week.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you do the traditional Thanksgiving thing this year with turkey, ham, and all the trimmings?

Iggy



Dear Iggy,

Yes. I made off with quite a haul from the refrigerator of that duplex across the street. Same thing every year...different house, of course.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hallucinogens are finally being recognized in modern western science as beneficial to certain mood disorders. These plant spirits have always been used in ceremonial rituals for tens of thousands of years, and I believe they can actually bring forth things from other realms.

Oceal



Dear Oceal,

Agreed! They do bring forth things from other realms! Like the contents of my stomach onto the bathroom wall and floor....although mostly the wall. I realize that's counter-intuitive, but that's the plant spirits and tequila for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one remain in a state of grounded ever present awareness when your wife is being such a bitch!

Dan



Dear Dan,

We don't have to react to content, Dan. That is the key. This will enrage your wife, of course, so keep the number for Adult Protective Services handy. They really despise that aloof meditative half-smile as well, so protect your face.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Did you watch how, on election night, Karl Rove calmly accepted his colleague's statement that Obama had won Ohio? That man has truly cleared and opened all of his chakras! He has shifted consciousness itself way up through the sphincter of blissful propaganda.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Isn’t shamanism simply some misguided romanticism? Isn’t it a rejection of progress via the teachings of a primitive, often savage form of tribalism?

Cindy



Dear Cindy,

Well, it is the way I do it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. At the risk of sharing too much, when you said "primitive" and "savage" I got a little wood.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

How come it says "updated Fridays" on your site, yet you never update anything until Saturday, if at all?

Roe



Dear Roe,

Dear Mr. Winslow (pretending to be someone named Roe),

Other than Miller time or Happy Hour, time is human bondage...and not the fun kind. Have you heard of Navajo Rez time? It's kind of like that for me, only i use a sundial that a friend of mine recently yuked on. I think it's half past pepperoni, so we should be good this week.

Sinoften,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who do you think should play you in the film (movie) version of your life?

Inquisitively,

George L and Steven S

Hollywood, CA



Dear Directors,

Phyllis Diller just died, so I have no idea. It’s funny you mention that because the screenplay is already written. It’s called The Doors of Deception: a Shaman’s Bail, but we have only raised about 11 dollars from key contributors to proceed with the filming. So we’re close.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ve been struggling on the spiritual journey and I’m wondering if there is a difference between suppression and self-discipline?

Half way up the mountain



Dear 50%,

Sure, look at all the different letters in those words. You can’t see that? But to your main point, suppression is only self-discipline squared. They are both products of fear. Living beyond such an internal conflict involves a true freedom that can only be expressed through running down the street naked. Now this is illegal, of course, which only adds to the exhilaration. I think the Discord’s coverage this week of Prince Charles taught us all a valuable lesson. Mainly, the importance of fuzzying out the winky!!! For God’s sake, PhotoShoppers!!! I haven’t seen anything that nasty since Michelle Obama’s new school lunch menu.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Since your Prince Charles coverage, I’m having Post Traumatic Streaking Disorder. Please, I am a young and impressionable Shaman. Thank you Daily Discord, now I may never have sex with old men again.

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Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified
Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified

Tampa, FL—The Daily Discord’s para-abnormal research team poured over thousands of photos and images of Clint Eastwood’s infamous address at last week’s convention. Using the latest para-abnormal equipment, also known as Photoshop, our team has finally discovered who Clint was talking to that night.

The Daily Discord is 99% sure Mr. Eastwood was addressing, Clyde, the orangutan from that Any Which Way But Loose movie from 1978. Clyde died under mysterious and possibly violent circumstances shortly after the sequel in 1980, Any Which Way You Can totally ending any chance for the next movie, Any Which Way to Make Money. There’s nothing like a Warner Brothers movie with allegations of animal cruelty. You should have seen what they did to Bugs Bunny every Saturday morning. His catch phrase "What’s up Doc?" began as he regained consciousness each morning in various Southern California hospitals.

But why Clyde? Is Mr. Eastwood still unable to cope with this tragedy? Does Clyde still blame Eastwood for his death? And, perhaps more importantly, does the death of such a primate still constitute an irreparable loss to Republican Party strategists?

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has evidence the GOP is collaborating with Mr. Eastwood on a third installment to this important series, Any Which Way But Truth.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

If you could raise one woman from the dead to sleep with, who would it be?

Sherwood Digger



Dear Freak,

Phyllis Diller

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Mr. Winslow is complaining this is too short this week, so Phyllis Ada Diller.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Most Shamans refer to their spiritual tutelage. You, on the other hand, are infinitely vague about your shamanic schooling and sordid past.

Sincerely,

Bob Frantzen

Albany, NY



Dear Bob,

Fine. I was first introduced to the plant intelligence under the guidance of my master, one Chief Bum-a-smoke Shitstorm, of the Kennedy-King Projects over in Newberry. I was initiated on Ibogaine substitute (possibly nutmeg) and ayahuasca substitute (possibly skunked malt-liquor). The plant spirits told me to quit my job, live on the streets, and teach my people. Thankfully, I was one step ahead of them…already fired, homeless, and quite verbose.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
By Mick Zano
Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
Mick Zano

Silverton, CO—Onward to part three of my epic four part series on the Ghosts of Colorado. My wife and I pulled into Silverton after surviving the treacherous "million dollar highway." They probably should have spent a little more than that and put up some flippin’ guardrails! In some spots, veering your car just a hair beyond the fog line means certain death. Silverton, meanwhile, is a quaint little place...at least from a distance. When you get closer it starts to look like Sanford & Son decided to go into the western town business. I tied the old Impala to a hitching post and found the first brewpub for some much needed "research".

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The Ghetto Shaman,

Do you follow politics? If so, what party?

Indigo Montoya (YKMFPTD!!!!!)



Dear Indigo,

I lead politics, I don’t follow anyone. Except maybe that one chick, but I was eventually acquitted. And I like to hit all parties whenever possible. Politically, I am a member of the Transcosmetic Party. I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I came so close to understanding it one night on a disturbing combination of mescaline and malt liquor.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And it took a team of our finest here at the Discord to interpret your acronym. Well done, sir! Luckily we have several Princess Bride fans here on staff.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When I sent you a question about "transforming your demons, not fighting them", you agreed and suggested I transform them into hot chicks (which you never posted on this site, by the way). But the Buddha's first trial was lust. He would never have obtained enlightenment listening to you!

Lou-E



Dear Lou-E,

Yes, I remember the correspondence. The spiritual development of humanity has surpassed what it was in the Buddha's time. The universe is unfolding and, in some cases, disrobing. I sat under the Bodhi tree, nailed the shit out of everything that walked passed, and beat the Buddha's best time. Fear is still the same trial, though, so don't be afraid to pork away, pal.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one Awaken the Shaman? I hear this a lot lately and would love to hear your take.

Wendy

Boise, ID



Dear Wendy,

Awakening the Shaman is key! You are very wise. I would approach by the feet or shins and gently nudge me while calling my name softly. Otherwise I wake up swinging. Trust me, you don't want that.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I moved to a magical place! It has wonderful people with a new agie feel to it. I’m thinking about opening a crystal store. Thought I’d share.

Shelley



Dear Shelley,

That’s nice, Shelley. My little slice of urbania is pretty amazing too. Lots of blue and red lights everywhere and the chicks on the corner are always dressed to the sixty-nines. All of the intersections are decorated with sparkly little bits of glass that shimmer in your headlights as you drive by...oh, and we have drive bys too!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And we make our own crystal, Shelley, in basement or mobile labs. Nirvana!

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want to meet my totem animal. How best to bring about this important spiritual encounter? Thanks ahead of time.

Flailing Spiritually



Dear FS,

Your totem animal never needs to be sought. Your totem animal is always right beside you. In fact, I can sense the bond between you and your...oh...oh dear. I hope you didn’t like those shoes. Bad totem animal!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Try baking soda to get out the smell. You're welcome.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The key to success is treating every special lady like she’s the only special lady. I know, this sounds simple but trust me brothers...it’s not! The first step is to keep them separated. No good comes from mixing these two groups of fierce females unless of course you’re interested in near death experiences. The next step is to keep all important dates, names, and events separate. There’s nothing like giving "Cindy" a gift for "Candy’s birthday.

Blair



Dear Blair,

What is the question you crazy ass bitch? I answer the questions...you ask the question. How could you possibly mess this up? But you should read my book Balancing Being & Bimbos. It’s a game changer for any and all players.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Crazy bitch

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am depressed, but I’m actually enjoying it. I just love sitting around and moping about and then following it up with some serious feeling sorry for myself time. Isn’t that paradoxical? Should I take meds? Or should I seek more traditional services?

Mindy



Dear Mindy,

I don’t have any "credentials" per se, but I believe I can help. You should celebrate your depression with my new product Spunk be Gone. It’s fast-acting so you’re slow acting ass never has to get off the couch ever again! You might augment your misery by purchasing my work Stillness Burps and Other Gastral Projections. This way you will learn how to look like you're meditating when you're actually sleeping. Chapter four really gets at the heart of your dilemma: I’m Pro-zac but Anti-Depressant.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I loved The Tao of Skullfucking and want to participate. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to broach this topic with my wife. There doesn’t seem to be a paragraph on this topic in any of those living will pamphlets. You are the master of such things, so what should I do?

Scully Slider



Dear Scully,

The Tao of Skullfucking is a metaphor! You sick, sick bastard!

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where the HELL is your material? I am so done with you and your New Age timeliness, deadlines be damned, Zen do-nothingness!

Pierce Winslow, CEO



Dear Mr. Winslow,

My material ended the day I stopped recieving the Round the World in Forty 40s. Remember you signed me up for that monthly malty magic? Well, I stopped getting the shipments. I shotgunned my last case of Schlitz High Gravity last weekend and then I never got my batch of Crazy Stallion. It's as easy to get things right, boss man.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'll always take Mad Dog 20/20 in a pinch.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stocks rally on news you're actually going to post something this week. In particular, crude really tumbles without your important voice.

Mick Zano



Dear Mick,

Yeah, for me it's always a bare market...until the police arrive. Sorry, i'm kind of behind on my fan mail. Some of us don't have the luxury of not getting any, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have not been able to acquire any of your fine works. The only reference to them on Google originates from this site. I am really curious about your important work The Tao of Skullfucking and I've been wondering if this is a metaphor, or a euphemism, or what.

P. Keller

Dear P. Keller,

No, no, this is quite literal. One must simply learn the proper technique to safely harness the energy of this incredibly profound cosmic act. The deep significance of this sacred skullular uninion can evoke powerful Satori experiences. But if the eyeball can not be popped back into place, please rush your significant other to the emergency room immediately.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Do not attempt this, under any circumstances, without either attending one of my Satori Skullfucking workshops or sending me a check for $49.95.

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The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
By Alex Bone
The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
Alex Bone

In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you’re stepping on the dream of the planet, not to mention my dreams, and you have women issues to boot!!!!

Leanna



Dear multi-exclamation-points,

Many do consider me the Founding Father of Drunken Debauchery. And, yes, women do boot me; that's the issue! But are they really my issues? The restraining orders certainly suggest so. For your wisdom I have sent you a free coupon for my book, Awakening the One Eyed Cosmic Serpent. I suggest you don’t read it. Maybe re-gift it to that special someone in your life. Then suggest that they don't read it.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Never give up on your dreams, because one day you really might just wake up naked in class. I have...and I'm not even enrolled anywhere.

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If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
By Ertel
If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
Ertel

What would YOU do with a million dollars? It's an oft asked question, right up there with "Are you a cop? Y'know you have to tell me if you are, right?" or "Dude, how much for those 99 cent potato chips?" If you asked me what I would do with a cool million before today, my answer would have been "a Branch-Davidian style compound, where I had multiple wives and would subject my followers to all-night prog-rock jam-sessions, featuring me on all instruments." After all, I'm a one-man band and I don't like sharing credit. But today the idea hit me, "What could I buy with 325 million?" and the answer became all too apparent...a planet.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The Mayans were truly amazing people, but what is cosmogenesis and the galactic code?

Joan Drummond

Albany, NY



Dear Joan,

Cosmowhowhatsas?  The Battlestar Galacticode is on Friday nights on the Sci-Fi Channel.  I believe it’s about Cylons, not Mayans. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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The Liz Cheney Interview: Brought to You by the Makers of Nexium
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I live in a very red state. The move was quite volitional, kind of like when I pick at a scab, or order nuclear wings, or luge naked. Yes, I’m a luger, baby, like that song. It may just be a coincidence, but I can’t get MSNBC on the telly anymore. Lately my remote skips from CNN to Fox News. True story. I’m sure this has not been orchestrated by my Governor, Jan Brewer, as I have seen both my cable company and Mrs. Brewer in action, first hand, and neither of them could pull off something this sophisticated.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your show All Things Discouraged doesn't resonate much with many of the common premises and assumptions of the New Age Movement. And by "doesn't resonate much", I mean none. Your collective work is pretty much one colossal cosmic contradiction. And when I say "pretty much", I mean totally. And what do you mean by the Dry Hump Sutras?

Terrence



Dear Terrence,

This is as good a time as any to announce this: I will no longer be hosting All things Discouraged. Instead we are happy to introduce Spiritual Questions, Inappropriate Answers. Now to your question: much of the dharma is focused on paradoxes, not contradictions or even contraindications. Speaking of which, I just realized Percocets, Xanax, scotch, and more scotch is also apparently contraindi...............

The Ghetto Shaman

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The Ghetto Shaman's 'Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise' has been Indefinitely Suspended
The Ghetto Shaman's 'Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise' has been Indefinitely Suspended
 
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Lemme' Teech U Sumpin', G-H-E-T-T-O. Shaman spelled backwards is Na Mahs, loosely translated from the Sanskrit-Pictish means NO MAS. Hang up yo' diaper, 'cuz yo schtick is gettin' stale. Listen dude, I am a longtime fan. You need to start sellin' sum T-Shirts or sumpin'. Bring back the Juice! By the way, you STILL owe me $20, bitch.
'Lil Trump.

Uoldhaunts, PA



Dear ‘Lil Trump,

Twenty dollar make you holler! I spent your twenty in Thailand, but I swear that boy was at least sixteen. You have to be more specific. I owe a lot of people money. When we do sell T-shirts I will send you one, in lieu of the twenty.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I have a copyright on bitch, bitch...and a prescription for penicillin.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a lesbian and my partner is insisting I where protection. Please instruct?

Monica



Dear Monica,

Just visit GladiatorLesbians.com. I believe they have a virtual mall.

Sincerely,

Can I have your number?

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just had this awesome thing happen! I’ve heard it called Mysterium Tremendum by the mystics of old. It’s that ineffable feeling when faced with the awe inspiring compassion of God. It’s like a Zen sandwich, when you are one with Universe wrapped in the sweet bliss of ever present awareness.  I knew you of all people would understand.

Hastings



Dear Hastings,

I think you mean Delirium Tremens, which is what I get when I’m coming down from too much alcohol, or as I call it, the Unholy Spirits. It’s not really fun and the seizures can actually kill. I do get visions but rarely would I describe them as Godlike, unless you mean those bugs that you keep incessantly gouging at your own skin to kill. I think that’s what you mean.  I recommend tapering off the booze with appropriate amounts of benzodiazepines and then switching to pot for a while.

Hope this helps

The Ghetto Shaman

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Save Some Real Money Supercomittee, Weed the People!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of 'lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.

There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
By Dave Atsals
There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
Dave Atsals

In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.

Entitled Occupiers, Sociopaths, and those "Free Market" Slaves
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Most Americans fit into one of the three categories above, all nice and tidy like, which I will ridicule each of you for soon enough. First, how do we galvanize this Occupy Movement into something meaningful and lasting, like the second season of Jersey Shore?

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I'm single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter



Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Living in Gratitude, Mother Fuckers and…that’s all.

Bob



Dear Bob,

I know, I know, sometimes words can’t describe the ineffable beauty of my writing...mother fucker.

Respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you have any clue how our elders passed down the knowledge, myth, and the very essence of each and every important culture throughout Mother Earth’s dynamic history.  You have missed some important lessons, Shaman.  

Shonto

Dear Shonto,

Nonsense, I have simply given new meaning to the words ‘long oral tradition.’ 

The Ghetto Cialis

P.S. And is that a totem in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The other day this owl swooped right in front of me and my girlfriend.  Not at night in broad daylight!  Have you heard of animocracy, or something, telling the future through animal behavior?  Is this a good omen or a bad omen and would you care to comment on omens in general?

Jackson Hole



Dear Jackson Hole,

I am very familiar with animocracy, and I sincerely hope, especially considering the current economic crisis, that animals start to legislate soon.  As for your question about omens: Omen 1: with Gregory Peck was a very good omen.  Omen II: is a pretty good Omen as well.  That scene when the kid drowns under the ice is really creepy.  Omen III: is a very bad Omen.  I don’t think I made it through the whole thing.  Omen IV: remains shrouded in mystery, but I have moved it into my Netflix cue and will let you know soon.  But I don’t remember there being any owls in those. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What exactly is going to happen in 2012?

Mike Dresden

Smithtown, NY



Dear Mike,

I will no longer be on parole in the State of Pennsylvania. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you got ejected from Kimball’s bar again last week.  Nice.

Detritus

Williamsport, PA



Dear Detritus,

What you call an ejection, I call a spiritual retreat.  You are supposed to ask a question, thus the name of my column, so I will take this opportunity to ask you a question:

Why are you so focused on the actions of others, my friend?  Or were you the one I set on fire during my Bacchanalian Medical Marijuana seminar?

The Ghetto Shaman

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You Say You Want a Revolution?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one.  It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, "Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work."

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your work is sad, pathetic, lousy, moronic, and juvenile and, wait, let me hit thesaurasus.com …deplorable, distressing, crappy, and devitalizing.    And The Tao of Skull Fucking is the saddest excuse for literature since your last book Bud-Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties (but at least that one had some soft porn in it).

Tooksy

Kearny, NJ



Dear Tooksy,

What do you have against the 3 Hs?  OK, OK, you’re right.  I will try to make amends in my next work: The Art of Spiritual Coercion.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  …or not.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I consider myself spiritual, but not particularly religious.  As a gay man I am troubled with some recent so-called Christian thought.   Have you heard about gay conversion?  I think it’s bullshit.  People who convert are either repressing shit or were bisexual in the first place.  How would a shaman address issues for the LGBTQ community?

Rick



Dear Rick,

Social taboos are of little interest to the shaman, which may help explain my police record.  Following one’s true self, whether L or G or B or T or…sorry, I’m lost.   But, if we follow our true self, we begin to vibrate at a higher frequency than those who repress and judge.  So eventually it won’t matter to you what the bigots of the world think.   On a related note, the sages of old remind us, "We become who we worship."  Yet despite hormone therapy and near constant prayer, I still look nothing like Jessica Alba. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Here’s Your Daily Affirmations, Fuck Face, and it really had in impact on me.  Not a good one.  It’s just, I thought you had to grow compassion and selflessness to reach nirvana.

Jed "Free the Seed" O’Neil



Dear Jed,

Are there not many ways up the mountain, young grass smoker?  I am simply trying to help people find Zen through the art of indifference, which may just be the title of my next book.  Hmmm.  Let’s try it: please buy my latest work The Art of Indifference.   Yeah, I like that…now available through PayPal. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, but I would stay away from Nirvana if I were you.  Smells like Great Spirit.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My master told me a great quote once, "One can acquire everything in solitude."

But I have houseguests that won’t leave.  It’s been weeks, dude!  I want to remain Buddha like, but I need them gone.  I want that solitude back.

JJ



Dear JJ,

You are steeped in great wisdom, my friend.  To augment the work you have already done, please purchase my book: If You See Your Ego on the Side of the Road, Stroke it.

As for your houseguests, tell them, "Life is a journey.  And you can start one, right now, by getting the fuck out of my house, bitches!"

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How is making issues of spirituality murkier and cloudier helping anyone?  You bring darkness to enlightenment.

Genpo T



Dear Genpo,

You need to do two things to move into the light of cosmic understanding, my friend.  First, contemplate the sound of one cheek farting.  Do this for a year and then read one of my first works: Demystifying Mysticism through Mumbo Jumbo.  If that doesn’t clear things up, I don’t know what will.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

OK, I almost buy this overcoming fear with beer stuff, but can you explain any of this shit without trying to sell me a book?  Oh, and who are the Zen Carnes?

Oceal



Dear Oceal,

Of course I can explain it without trying to sell you a book.  Consider one of my new audio CDs, Change Your Thinking through Drinking.  And, if you act right now, I’ll make mine a double.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I was raised by Zen Carnes, but I don’t like to talk about it. 

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your last reader nailed it.  You’re preaching about enlightenment, yet you’re glorifying the abuse of alcohol, hallucinogens, and things you probably make in your basement.  BWTF?

Sincerely,

Hal

(I’m not telling you where I live, bitches)



Dear Hal,

Thank goodness for RSS feed cookies, or we’d never have been able to track down all of your personal information and sell it on the black market for Mad Dog money.

Look, I only have a short column through which to convey a ton of important information.  To really understand the true essence of my teachings, you should purchase my latest masterpiece, Opened Heart, Bloated Liver: a Warrior’s Path to Partying.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. BWTF? Is that Big Wet Titty Fun?  … just a guess, but an educated one.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Tales of Shamanic Debauchery and now I am asking myself why?  What was the point of writing that thing?  And what is your reference in Chapter four to your power animal?  You don’t explain this and then the chapter ends rather abruptly.

Tamisha

Fort Collins, CO



Dear Tamisha,

Sometimes we read without remaining present, our minds often wander and lose focus, so we end up missing critical elements.  That’s not the case with this book.  I was very drunk when I wrote it.  The title should have made that clear.  The chapters end when my transmission from the spirit realm ends.  I usually have some forewarning when the spin monsters descend from the cosmic void.  Oh, and I broke up with my power animal.  So what are you doing Thursday, Tamisha?

The Ghetto Shaman

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The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I hate economics.  If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are...  The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway.  I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Since you are such an erudic chap, maybe you can help me out.  I read this passage somewhere: "I see a fountain bubbling with life. Language is not able to reveal this. For the entire eighth, my son, and that are in it, and the angels, sing a hymn in silence."  I forget where I found this quote, but that night I had a profound dream, almost a peak experience.  Do you care to comment?  Do you know what it might mean?

Vern

Vernon, NJ



Hey Vern,

Vern from Vernon?  Really?  Sure I am erudic, phonetically.  Actually, I am a rude dick—it think you wanted erudite.  But I know the quote of which you speak.  I found it through a union with the higher realms and the Wikipedia Gods.   Obviously the "fountain bubbling with life" is reference to an ancient CO2 tap system of some type.  "Language is not able to reveal this" translates as the ineffable buzz of the malt liquor mammas.  "For the entire 8th" is reference to the finishing of the sacred 8th pint, in Buddhism this corresponds to the eight pint path.  Once the aspirant chugs the 8th beer, he or she passes through the challenge of the spin monsters and arrives at enlightenment or, in some cases, the drunk tank.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Either that or it’s about jerking off.  I’m sure it’s one of the two.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Any of your legendary workshops coming up?

Sammy Y.



Dear Sammy,

Yes, May 7th and 8th. Here is a brief itinerary:

Day One:

11:00AM—My Cthulhu Sweat Lodge is back with, Sweating to the Old Ones, where I will harness your orgasmic sexual energy with help from some Deep Ones (actual harnesses available).

1:00PM—Drinking Heavy Cosmic Bar Crawl

11:00PM—Conference call with Charlie Sheen to discuss ‘winning’ and its implications for an enlightened consciousness. 

Day Two:

7:00AM—Time for the old "get up a collection to bailout your guru, bitches" workshop.  This will help your karma and your budgeting skills

8:00AM—Medicine Wheel Healing Workshop with fluids and oatmeal

10:00AM—Advanced Healing Workshop for those still under the spell of the Hangover Gods

12:00PM—Closing prayer and legal waiver signing, all during the Go Home, Bitches song

The Ghetto (Cash Only)  Shaman

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Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors
Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010.  After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.

"The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance," stated CEO Pierce Winslow.

Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman.  The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has "since been fired," added Winslow.

 "We are happy to have won the foam finger," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath.  "I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing  jerks for the last two years."

The Crank told reporters, "I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!"  Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences. 

"This is an amazing accomplishment," said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony.  "I am just surprised this is the first year we won."

Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.

"It’s about going to Tahoe," added Tony.  "I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?"

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How come you only promote your own books?  Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?

Marcus

Renton, WA



Dear Marcus,

That could not be farther from the truth!  I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop.  For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck.   He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But if you're only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I keep getting my ass kicked.  I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well.  Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?

Darby

Petaluma, CA



Dear Darby,

You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!!  I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide.  Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long.  Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.

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Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?

Kristina H.



Dear Kristina,

I've only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie!

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Beer Cleansing
By Alex Bone
Beer Cleansing
Alex Bone

I’ve been hearing a lot about all these new cleansing techniques designed to, allegedly, help improve your body, mind, and even your spirit. Some people tend to need such things, not sure why.  It’s not like we’ve run out of beer or anything. Still, who am I to judge? Maybe it works wonders.  There are still many mysteries in the Universe.  The holy feathered serpent knows, only a few souls have found the sacred light of our savor, Yig. May his name be hissed.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the deal with the movie 127 Hours?  It felt like it took that long to end.  It could have been summed up as drank my own pee and gnawed off my own arm.  Besides, wouldn’t drinking your own pee only make you more dehydrated?

James

Irwin, PA



Dear James,

That is not what concerns me.  When one drinks his or her own pee a sacrifice to Yig is required to liberate the soul and ascend to the spirit world.  Perhaps even more disturbing, you should only gnaw of your own arm when you wake up draped over a female of the Coyote Ugly variety. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. As many enlightened beings are aware, when one has carnal encounters with someone truly hideous, reaching Double Coyote status, it is customary to gnaw off your second arm so that it never happens again. 

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Ghetto Shaman Threat Level Raised to Red: World Tour Over
The Ghetto Shaman

Cairo, EG—From the beginning, the Ghetto Shaman World Tour (GSWT) was plagued with problems. The recent upheaval in Egypt was the last camel straw.  Following citizen uprisings in Tunisia, Algeria, and Yemen, civil unrest in Jordan and the Kurdish section of Syria, and now Egypt, Daily Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow said "enough is enough." 

"It’s no coincidence all this political unrest spawned within days of each of the Ghetto Shaman’s tour stops," said Winslow. "I’m all for stirring the pot, but I don’t want the Discord’s GSWT to become the Franz Ferdinand of World War III.  Besides, I told the bastard not to do the Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day bit. Moron."

While not confirmed, reports suggest Winslow received a threatening phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  It’s also been reported "Mossad" was mentioned several times during the call.

Homeland Security states it will not lower the current threat level until the Shaman is safely back in his sweat lodge.

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