Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
October 25, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Only Your $ Stays in Vegas
By The Crank
The Crank

So there I was, on my way to Sin City the day after hearing the great news from my Orthopedist that the slightest fall or accident could leave me with more in common with Professor Stephen Hawking than I would like. "Doc, are were talking quadrophenia?"

Umm, We Don’t Do Rebuttals Anymore, Crank
By The Crank
The Crank

Zano, Zano, Zano....I have attempted to avoid your political posts and your political views as they suffer from what one might call, Major Bullshit Disorder recurrent. See, I have a DSM-V too. But, really, Mikko why doth thee blog? Why? There’s so much more productive things you could be doing with your time, like American Idol marathons.

Ant Invasion: Them! Them!!
By The Crank
The Crank

So there I was at my new desk, at my new job, planning someone’s beautiful new kitchen when I hear the opening guitar riff from AC/DC’s "For Those About to Rock" (my new smartphone ringtone). I immediately flashback to all my wife’s other just-getting-home-from-work-frantic-gems. "We’re being invaded!" she said. "Red ants everywhere, millions of ‘em, and they bite!!"

My Life in Retail: Part One
By The Crank
The Crank

As I think about my life, my thoughts turn to the whole "Legacy" thing. What do I actually leave with my friends and relatives when Momzilla pulls me kicking and screaming into the next world? Will people even remember me 15 minutes after I’m gone? Probably not, with the exception of Mikko passing a rag over his forehead and saying "whew, thank Darwin that’s over."

Beasts & Men with Tits: Unsung Heroes of the NFL
By The Crank
The Crank

Today I rant on a subject many know to be true, but few will utter. Most remain fearful of the associated politically correct backlash. Even The Daily Discord initially reviewed this submission and said, "Ahh, Cranko, I danno about dis one." Who am I kidding? These schmucks will post anything.

The GOP: Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
By The Crank
The Crank

I got an email today from Reince Preibus, or whatever the F his name is, the head of the GOP. It seems that they now want to hear from the average Republicans—you know, people with real jobs—about how they can improve the party’s platform. I will now relate to youse’ my rather Cranky reply:

Alien Invaders Distressed Over Failed Apocalypse
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Life forms from the distant planet Blog arrived on Earth last week only to discover the Mayan Apocalypse was a complete bust. The Blogganinians, a race of evolved gecko-like creatures, were quite shocked to find the Earth still functioning as usual and they were even more annoyed to find the human/feline alliance still as strong as ever.

The Wrong Remains the Same
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation
The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation: "Mmmm, liquidation"
"Mmmm, liquidation"
 
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You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
By The Crank
You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
The Crank

I sit here today with a heavy heart, a fogged mind, and one hell of a headache. After barely recovering from the tragic turn of events on Election Failure Day, I am faced with yet another piece of the puzzle from Uh-mericuh—a land without liberty, a land without riches, and now…a land without Twinkies. I was not ready for yet another blow to my rather tenuous grasp on sanity, but this one really takes the cake (sorry).

First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
By The Crank
First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
The Crank

Shortly after the re-inauguration of Barak Obama, I was in line at Carl’s Jr. when they came for me. I had heard about the banning of large drinks in New York and thought, "Wow, good thing I live in Arizona." People here don’t like so much Government involvement in their daily lives. That’s why Arizona has a stockpile of weirdness. We were free to be as weird as we wanted and we like it that way. After all, true freedom is the freedom to not be like everyone else, even when that means having no brains. It’s who we are.

Rebutt! The End is Nigh!
By The Crank
The Crank

Please let me preface the following article by stating that I may not be writing this whilst in the best of moods. The Crank’s humble domicile has experienced a water issue of biblical proportions. I am writing this after three days of industrial wind machines 24-hrs a day, cats locked up in solitary, bitching constantly as they tend to do, a spouse asking "when will it be over?" as incessantly as a kid on a car trip asking "are we there yet?" So forgive me in advance.

The "No Mas" 16
By The Crank
The Crank

There are sixteen widely used terms today that invoke nausea in me every time I hear them. I would like them from this moment forward stricken from all political discourse. Once one of my ‘16 forbidden phrases’ (similar to Carlin’s seven dirty words) are used on TV, or in print, they take on a life of their own. These are terms I never want to hear again. I’m sure I speak for everyone, and by everyone I mean six people, when I say please stop!

Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?
Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous "Richard Dryfuss incident."

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species...but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

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Discord Apology XXXIV: The Smell of Fear
Pierce Winslow

These retractions continue to wear on me emotionally. I care about what we do here at The Discord. It’s important work. It’s God’s work...well, certainly demi-God’s work, or Demi Moore’s work. It’s work, for sure. Sometimes I spend days trying to turn the Crank’s string of expletives into coherent thoughts. I deal with a constant barrage of receipts from Zano and Bone for bar tabs, brothels, and massage parlors all across the southwest. "But it’s a haunted brothel, Mr. Winslow, honest!" Fuckers.

Our headline Iraq Wins the Stanley Cup! was obviously a heinous mistake. Jerry Lewis’s ICU Telethon was not our finest hour. We would like to apologize to JE-RRREY! and his family for calling his hospital room every twenty minutes trying to pledge enough to get the tote bag. In retrospect, interfering with medical care is just not funny.

Everything pales in comparison to our three full days of Cokie McGrath’s coverage while she camped outside of the Great Pyramid of Giza waiting for the Egyptian Parliament to emerge. What? I have to pay for this shit! If she could even learn to use Wikipedia as a fact checking tool it would be a vast improvement. Google it Cokie, Google it...fine, I will send you to a seminar on Googling.

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Aging: It May Be Fucked Up but Maybe Less So
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Age related decline is a phenomenon sweeping the nation. You may recognize this subtle foe to establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, "Sure, honey. I can pick that up from the store" quickly turns to..."Umm, why am I going to the store?" Other symptoms include: fumbling around for beers long since consumed, emphatic arguments with inanimate objects—typically of the malfunctioning variety—and accusations of moving items which have remained stationary for years...like, for example, your house.

Verbal Charades and ADHD
By The Crank
The Crank

While waiting for my shrink to digitally write out my meds for the next three months, I asked him a question. What amazed me was the cognizant answer. This new guy is great. He has knowledge and stuff—not like that last one. I spent my $125.00 listening to her bitch for 30 minutes. She had her loser daughter as her assistant. Imagine moving your business and not calling all of your regular clients to inform them. Then berating them when they suggest how a knowledgeable person might be better in that position. Headbob, followed by a "layta beeoch!"

Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
By Mick Zano
Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
Mick Zano

Wow, nearly three of your fans got to watch you beat the Chicago Blackhawks this year—your first ever playoff series win since moving from Winni-friggin-peg. Wanna know why? The following is the comedy, the tragedy, and the horror that befell one Coyote fan, namely me, during the 2012 playoffs. Damn Mayans. The Hockey Gods frown on you Arizona! They will now probably relocate to Seattle or Hackensack...and who needs a team out in Hackensack? This post has been sent to NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman and to Captain Coyote, Shane Doan. They will respect my authoritay!

Seattle Five-O: Post ‘em, Zano
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Mr. Zano, I realize you, just like all politicians, cater to your base. I understand that and almost always fully support it. The problem arises when ‘your base’ refers to six or seven deeply depressed individuals in the rainiest, coldest, wettest, most depressed, most northeast corner of the United States. I also realize one more thing. You do, well, suck.

Sticks and Groans May Break My Balls
By The Crank
The Crank

If during a conversation someone called you an asshole, you would leave the area upset or stove in someone’s head with a Louisville Slugger, via Joe Pesci in Goodfellas (my choice). Hurtful words can even lead to suicide, a reaction I have never understood (outside of reading Zano features). My first thought would be to end the other person’s life. Where does that get you? Dead? Not even. Although, my mom did manage to get both dead and even...with me at least. I’ll never forget her loving last words, "I may end up dead, but I will get you back!"

Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
By The Crank
Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
The Crank

When I knew I was leaving Lawn Guyland, I visited my long time dentist for the last time. This man had done all my dental work since the early Reagan Administration. My union dental coverage had purchased him numerous fine German and, later, Japanese cars over the years. He used to say that when I came into his office, he could hear the revving of new engines instead of air drills.

GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!
By The Crank
GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!

Yeah, that’s right, The Crank is finally calling out the right wing. Why don’t you just put the f*&^ing election into a pretty foil box with a bow and hand it to Obama and say, "Sorry we bothered." Or put on the cake, Enjoy Four More Years, oh Anointed One.

Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess
By The Crank
Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess

Long before there was Spongbob Squarepants, there was Spongecake Cream Members. But 1/10/2012 marked the beginning of the end. No, it isn’t cataclysmic storms, or giant grasshoppers like that similarly named Peter Graves’ movie. It’s not tsunamis or earthquakes or Mayan Gods either. It’s not even Ahmanutjob flexing his nuclear muscle, nor is it Kim Jong Jr. testing his authoritah. I’m afraid, it’s much, much worse.

Megyn Kelly vs Andrew Sullivan: Reality vs the Neococoon
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post isn’t actually for reading purposes; it’s just my version of blogular therapy. I’ve tried to make a few points in a few posts over a few pints, but reality is a tough nut to crack when you’re dealing with…er, nuts. The truth has little meaning in today’s discourse (or, Discord…). Modern conservatism, in particular, has its own truth, its own facts, and its own version of history. They’re no longer interested in debating events occurring in this dimensional plane of existence, unless it involves Snooki’s antics.

2011 The Discord’s Person of the Year
By The Crank
The Crank

Representative Anthony Weiner, or ex-rep anyway, embodies all that is wrong with the world in a nutsack—er, nutshell. Do we remember any legislation he was responsible for writing or passing? No. Has he left the world a better place? No. Did he respect the office? Well, maybe the TV show.

A Memorable Cranksgiving
By The Crank
A Memorable Cranksgiving
The Crank

Living on the surface of the Sun (aka, Phoenix) does have its benefits. One, you never have to travel to see fambly. They will always come to see you. Let’s see, 19 degrees and snow in New Yawk, or 70 and sunny in AZ. Hmmm.

How You Lakka Me Now? Noticio to All Fiat S.P.A. Shareholders
By The Crank
How You Lakka Me Now? Noticio to All Fiat S.P.A. Shareholders
The Crank

You stupido bastards, you keepa tella me, "Why u gonna buy Chrysler? Why u waista so much money on such American crap, eh?" I also get lotsa, "U stupido CEO, wherza u brains? Inna u ass?" Anna I getta, "Hey Sergio, whera u woikin nest, eh?" Okay, I’ll stop writing in accent, promise…

RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
By The Crank
RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
The Crank

On Tuesday, October 25, 2011, the last of the United States B-53 bombs was dismantled at the PanTex Nuclear Arms assembly and disassembly plant in Amarillo, TX. A holdover from the cold war, this minivan-sized terminator of all things living or dead, or just ‘Fat Bastard’ to its dissemblers, was about 600x as powerful as the Hiroshima bomb. Amarillo was the obvious choice to mess with this thing, seeing as how no one would notice if said bomb exploded there.

The Shit Heard Round the World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Another faction finally emerges, Occupy Wall Street. A rocky start, fer sure, and I condemn their recent attack on the E*Trade baby. But how does one bridge the gap between the Tea Party and this new group? We need a revolution that resonates with more, not less people. Thus far one group seems to be railing against Wall Street and the disparity of wealth, while the other attacks taxation and a growing government. One demands entitlements and the other wants to put an end to them. What’s the answer?  The Transcosmetic Party, that’s what.

Onion Copycat Case Draws Anemic Ridicule for Discord
Texas Governor Rick Perry goes on a rampage shooting puppies and boiling children
Enlarge...

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord admits to releasing a picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry boiling children and shooting puppies as a cheap ploy to attract negative attention.  The stunt was patterned after a recent Onion feature of a similar vein.  The controversial Onion tweet involved reports of screams and gunfire coming from inside the Capitol Building.  The Onion followed up with a news report on their website, a place four out of five bribed comedians find not nearly as funny as The Daily Discord.

"We saw the attention The Onion got for that tweet," said CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow.  "Meanwhile, we put Jesus on a wanted poster or we host everybody Photoshop Muhammad day, and we get bupkis.  Yeah, we have no shame.  It’s just high time someone noticed. We’re as despicable as anyone out there."

Whereas Winslow is carrying on despite the lack of controversy, he isn’t happy about it.

"On a good day we get maybe three people emailing us with shit like, Tell the Ghetto Shaman to suck it! or What are you feeding the Crank, anyway?  Frankly, we deserve a lot more scrutiny than that."

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Vegas San Gennaro: Leave the Feast, Take the Cannoli
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Mick Zano was supposed to come for *sigh* yet another visit earlier this month.  Due to circumstances beyond his control he had to delay a week.  Unfortunately I was working overtime, so it looked like things were going to be a bust.  Then, being the good friend and inadequate employee I am, I timed Zano’s visit with a three day suspension.  Whoo Hoo!  So, to be clear, I would not be getting paid for three days AND spending extra money.   Dave Ramsey would not be pleased.

He Rode a Blazing Deficit
By The Crank
He Rode a Blazing Deficit
The Crank

In retrospect, as I watched the Circus Minimus, a.k.a. the debt ceiling debacle, my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do without Ritalin. Can there really be this many ideologically enslaved people all in one place? Do they really think we believe the talking points anymore? Then it all came into raging clarity as I watched Blazing Saddles for the 367th time last night. I don’t mean to offend with this culturally insensitive material. It’s Mel Brooks’ fault, honest. If you want to really be offended, check out one of my regular features.

Damn, I still Hate Facebook
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, maybe loathe is better…yeah, fear and loathing on some God-awful social site.  Let’s be clear about this, I’m only on Facebook to promote the Daily Discord, which sucks!   Our other venues grow like social site Chia Pets, even when ignored, but Facebook?  What’s more disturbing, there’s something inherently wrong with Facebook and the whole virtual narcissistic cesspool (VNC).  As John Bender once said, "It’s demented and sad, but social."

The Crank Redeemed!  Everything in my Last Post was Liberal Propaganda
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Once again, the Crank has reduced all eternal truths into someone else’s stock options. So everything is wrong in my last post, eh? Let’s assume he’s right for a moment, ha ha ha hahahaa.  Sorry, that was funny.  Mr. Crank, you have a singular ability to misrepresent all of my positions and points.  Some would call that consistency; I call it something else.

No Negotiating with Teabaggerists!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are at yet another critical juncture in our history and we have dumb and dumber duking it out in DC.  This is when you have to ask yourself, do you want dumb to stop dumber (D: raising the debt ceiling and revenues and then failing to reduce spending), or do you want dumber to stop dumb (R: those forcing spending cuts only)?  Oh, did I mention there’s also dumbest (the Tea Party who won’t allow any tax increases or any debt ceiling management)?  Good times…

Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other "points."  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Spendthra VS. Cutzilla: Battle for Earth
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I said I would move our debate forward…ummm, I lied. I’m not saying liberals are the answer, Crankster—I never have—I’m just saying your group is almost certainly never the answer, unless the question is "my toilet’s stopped up." I’m Kidding!! I have those eco-friendly no-flush types. I’m also going to refrain from any-and-all Joe the Dumber jokes.

The Debate We Should be Having: Why My "No Foxeeter Left Behind Program" is Failing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Egotistical, moi?  When my country is dying, sorry, I’m allowed to be a little miffed.  Frankly, I’m reaaaallly miffed!  Some things we are both angry about, but too much of your outrage is directed at things either blown out of proportion, or likely to be disproven a year from now.  But that’s OK, because by then you’ll be reacting to a whole new batch of false assumptions. 

Dateline: Saturday May 21st 6:00PM: World Ends
By The Crank
The Crank

Oh how I do wish it had come true. After much deep contemplation I have come to this realization—a realization aided by many pulled pork samichiz, Twinkies and Cokes. It is hard work, but someone other than Mikko has to do it. He cannot be trusted. I used to think that people whose opinions differed from mine were smart, caring people whose opinions just differed from mine. Then I started reading Mick Zano columns.

The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
By The Crank
The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
The Crank

One day in the late sixties, Carroll Shelby tried talking Bill Cosby into buying one of his Cobra Super Snake sports cars. For those who remember Cosby’s recording of "200 Miles an Hour," he wanted a car that does 200 mph to get to work. But, after just one ride, he handed back the keys—suggesting this would be better in the hands of a George Wallace, or a Buzz Aldrin, or a Starbuck of Galactica fame. The car was resold to a gentleman who promptly killed himself shortly thereafter. It was not a car to be taken lightly. The new CTS-V wagon is also not to be taken lightly.

Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
By Mick Zano
Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
Mick Zano

As a psychology dude, sometimes I try to figure out where the right is coming from.  My move from the east coast to AZ was kind of like Dian Fossey’s move to the Serengeti (sorry to nitpick).  Anyway, perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report, I was about to read, More Americans Work for Gov’t than Ever...  I know, I know, but let’s give the right the benefit of the…holy crap!  My eyes shifted to the next headline. Bachmann is out fundraising Romney for the GOP nominee?!  I uttered that old Blazing Saddle’s line, "Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!"

N.F.L./R.I.P.
By The Crank
The Crank

So here we go. The newest video game is titled "Rich Assholes Battle Rich Assholes II." Only it ain’t a game and WE, the sports minded public, are the ultimate losers. The economy is so far down ‘le crappeurre that even the Roto-Rooter guy has given up. We have a Pres that picks his experts like Bristol Palin picks boyfriends. We are now in THREE fucking wars, doing well enough in each to make Nam look like a swell idea. We are all doing more with less, which is why I now have a word count limit—or at least that’s what Winslow is telling me.

The Case for Obama’s Impeachment
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

A Cranky Morning in New York
By The Crank
The Crank

It seems as though the powers that be in New York decided to wrongly arrest over 120 honest Italian-American businessmen for so-called organized crime connections. Thanks to the New York Village Voice here are some of those patriots:

A 2010 Crank-Style Recap
By The Crank
The Crank

In 2010, the Libertard hoard provided an un-heavenly host of issues to crank upon: religion, socialism, political correctness, all of Mikko's favorite topics. As the year comes to a close and the hoard has been overrun and ousted from at least one branch our government, thank God, the time has come to finalize some key points we should take away from 2010.

It’s Not "The Holiday Season": Insult Removed for Christ’s sake
By The Crank
The Crank

It’s Merry Christmas. It’s Happy Hanukkah. It’s Yo Kwanza. Screw the Solstice. Sticka’ the Wicca.  Fuck the Festivus. Kill all the politically correct shit, please.  If you won’t, I will.  In the immortal words of Bill Bixby, "Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry."

The Black Calling the Kettle Pot: or Something Like Fat
By The Crank
The Black Calling the Kettle Pot: or Something Like Fat
The Crank

Chris Christie has undeniably become a rather large figure in the present political spectrum. His ascendency to the big chair in NJ has had repercussions nation-wide. He has managed to squeeze himself into a fight with the unions, using his rather large fan base to garner support for his thin slicing of their benefits. If he does decide to run…er, briskly walk for President in 2012, his will be a big suit to fill, for sure. Christie brings a country buffet full of already tried and true ideas to the table. Ahhh, I’m being told to stop now…

Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
By Mick Zano
Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Deciding against heading to D.C. for my own rally, which is every blogger’s prerogative, I instead attended the Rally to Restore Sanity in my area.  This was a difficult decision for me but, since Winslow wouldn’t let me into the rent-a-car, I opted to stay around town and…damn you Ghetto Shaman!

Debate is the Death of Conversation: Especially with You!
By The Crank
The Crank

I will try, one more time, and then utterly give up and get back to reality television. "But I have a graph, and that makes all your arguments worthless," and, "Bush was worse, his deficits were more!!"  Well, no. You once said to me that Fox lies, and that you can make up stories, but ya can’t make up facts. That is so right, my bearded little troll. There is a graph for everyone. Facts can be manipulated.  You see, two wrongs do not, in fact, make a right. They make a left. Gotcha! (Cogitate on that one, Mikkie).

Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Fox News & the Tea Party: Sometimes There Isn’t Safety in Numbers
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew.  But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed.  So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

CNN:  It Isn’t Just For Blitzer Anymore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I record Fareed Zakaria GPS every Sunday morning on CNN religiously.  Well, I don’t complete the mechanics involved personally; I have people for that.  OK, my 11 year old does it, but she is gradually teaching me how to use my DVR.  Granted, last week’s lesson went poorly, but she did teach me the proper acronym, DVR (apparently, it’s not a VCR or a DVD, it’s some type of alien hybrid). 

One More Time…with Feeling! A Zano Rebuttal
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear dear Mikkie, First I wish to thank you and your family for a wonderful weekend. I especially enjoy the blue lips I now have from the fucking Martianic oxygen levels you  billy goats have ‘up mountain.’ "Hey Crank, what are the perfect things  for a fat, old, oxygen starved gorilla with two knee replacements to do?  I know, let’s walk a lot, eat a lot, and climb some stairs too!  Just because I usually win the argument is no reason to try to finish me off.

Over 6,000 Daily Discord Emails Leaked to the Public
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, admitted to the press today over 6,000 internal emails between Discord contributors were released to the public in a move many are calling "intentional."

Winslow is downplaying the impact of the incident, "The fact remains these documents don't reveal any issues that haven't already informed our public debate regarding the behavioral and psychological health of my staff."

The following are two examples of actual correspondence between Discord contributors:


From: the ghetto shaman
Sent: Thursday, April, 9, 2009  2:20AM
To: pwinslow12@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: I’m bringing the potato gun to the next party, bitches!


Winslow, buddy.  don’t let the large number fool you.  bail is always set at 10% of the fine. 10%! peanuts for a big man like you.  oh, and I told you that putting all of your money in Shagg Technologies was a bad idea, bitch.

Ghetto Shaman



From: mick zano
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:19 PM
To: DDiscord@yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: [The Discord] Re: I’m not usually like that on jagermeister, baby, honest


Captain’s Blog 5/8/08,

The Discord is off to a shaky start, folks. Winslow has spent untold thousands on drunken "business meetings" and the Crank’s video submissions are obscene, senseless, and costly.  After watching his last video I feel dirty. Thankfully, we don’t have the bandwidth for videos yet. As far as increasing submissions, Dave Atsals is still in the final stages of his first sentence, which has the word doohickey in it (twice), spelled differently each time.  Neither is the way i would spell doohickey, mind you, but that's what final editing is for, right? heh, heh.  On a good note, Winslow has finished outsourcing the web design to a man named, Mr. Rufies, who promises to finish the project if we all meet him at the mall around closing time. Otherwise things are going quite smoothly (for us).

Mick Z.

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OK, Crank, I’ll Stop Bitching: After this One Last Time
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Funny, I said the same exact thing about methamphetamine.  This will be my last rant against Fox News and George W. Bush.  You don’t believe me?  Would I ever woefully mislead my fateful readership?  I’m not the Ghetto Shaman, for Pete’s sake.

Funny Thing, but Breaking Something Called the Justice Department Might Have Consequences for, er…Justice
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you heard the Black Panther voter intimidation scandal yet?  The Justice Department’s actions are shocking!  It seems they are especially shocking for Republicans who helped dismantle the Justice Department, brick by brick, in the first place.  None of you were outraged to find Bush had replaced 150 positions in the government—including several  key jobs in the Justice Dept from some Pat Robertson 4th tier regent college—but you’re mad about this shit?  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen the 700 Club?  I would bow to the zombie god of Karl Marx before I would ever watch an episode of that shit. 

The Subliminal Mind Fuck America
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So I was drinking Tequila yesterday, listening to Greenday, and watching waaaay too much Fox News, or as I call it "the weekday special" …maybe I should drink waaaay too much Tequila and avoid cable news all together. 

The Bone Gang Destroys Pluto
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print.  Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?

Bush, the Tea Party, and Fiscal Conservatism for Dummies
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, I’m going there again, but only because even I am flabbergasted how much worse the facts keep getting.  No, I don’t use the word flabbergasted lightly.  The unease people are facing now, amidst the economic collapse, gives me hours of amusement.  At least people are finally embracing the suckage.  But they still don’t know how we got here!  Well, that all ends today.  I tried to guesstimate our fiscal woes a few posts back and, as it turns out, I stand corrected (or blog corrected).  It’s actually worse for the Bushies.  I have been waiting a long time for these numbers from the Congressional Budget Office.  Really, I’ve done nothing but wait patiently for this info—besides the four Bs, of course: boozing, boinking, blogging and BimboGladiators.com.

Dumb and Hummer
By The Crank
The Crank

Here is a recent quote from Penn Jillette, the Vegas magician-slash-entertainer, on the demise of Hummer as a brand, "If any part of the Hummer going belly-up are those government rules we're putting in on miles per gallon, or us taking over of GM, then I'm not just sad, I'm also angry. Lack of freedom can be measured directly by lack of stupid. Freedom means freedom to be stupid. …You don't need any freedom to go with majority opinion. … We need to protect other people's stupid to save freedom for all of us."

Hitch-Slapping 101: Why Christopher Hitchens Should be King
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Christopher Hitchens is a god among men.  Of course, the atheistic cynic would never put it quite like that but, nevertheless, I would like to take a moment to both praise and condemn the self-righteous bastard.  If you have never checked out Hitchens, you should.  He’s a contributor for Vanity Fair and Slate Magazine, or you can always check out his website, The Hitchen’s Zone, where he pulls off a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling like no other.  He recently called Alexander Haig a "Neurotic narcissist with an unquenchable craving for power." This, of course, occurred when other people were paying their respects to his still warm corpse. In wake of the church’s child abuse cover-ups, he said the Pope’s "whole career has the stench of evil about it." Whereas the Pope is still theoretically alive, he is—in part thanks to Hitchens—the poster boy for the So, you weren’t really divinely picked, were you? group on Facebook …I would join this group but, unfortunately, I was divinely picked.  John Paul II did manage to keep that divine-designation-thing (DDT) at least somewhat of a mystery for a time.  Kudos to him.  The good news, Herr Benedict may move some folks beyond mere fundamental thinking (many out of pure disgust).  Hey, maybe God is still popenipotent, but maybe his picker is broken.  God is slated for Larry King Live next week, where he/she will refute Zano’s claims with the likes of: "I didn’t mean him. I was pointing toward that other bloke in the back with the funny hat.  Really…I was.  I wanted that fellow who would have stopped all the shenanigans with the young’ins and continue with my work and such.  No, I’m not talking about buggering, you stupid bastard."

It’s All Over But for the Funeral and for that I Am Sad
By The Crank
The Crank

Betch ya thought this was going to be a Crank rant on the passage of the healthcare Obamanation. WRONG! That will come later, fer sure, wink wink-nudge nudge. No, my dysfunctional and disillusioned little friends, this rant is all about the automobile, a topic I know considerably more about than healthcare. If I was a healthy sort, I guess I would know more about what aids longevity vs. shortgevity. (Hint: the stuff in my fridge promotes the latter.) My last attempt, The Southwest Twinkie diet plan, may not have helped, but thanks to industrial strength preservatives, I will decompose even slower than King Tut (which is certainly a victory of sorts). You see, having misread the "do this and live a long life" book my whole life, I shouldn’t comment about healthcare, with the exception of the pharmacological side.  I have majored in ‘what prolongs one’s life in spite of one’s self,’ or the Pill and Suspension of Dis-be-life.

Free Speech for Those who Can Afford It: An Informed Rebuttal
By Rick Right Pernick
Republican elephantism stomps Obama
Rick Right Pernick

In March 2002, President George W. Bush signed into law the McCain Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Bill, which essentially restricted the free speech rights of groups within 30 days prior to an election cycle.  Later, GWB, the former president not the bridge, would excuse his actions claiming while he was aware of the unconstitutional restriction of free speech, he signed the bill anyway assuming the law would be challenged and overturned by SCOTUS.  Shouldn’t he have championed freedom of speech?  Shouldn’t’ that &^%ing @$$ #$%* (shamelessly censored) defend our 1st Amendment *&^%s (not so shamelessly censored)?!

Think Outside the Fox: A Crank Rebuttal
Mick Zano

The Crank had a postscript with his last feature, and, though it pains me to admit it, he’s right. I’ve been a little bitchy in my posts lately—using more colorful metaphors and the like. I have come up with some more politically correct compromises: instead of Teabaggers, Tea Party members will hence forth be referred to as the "democratically disabled". And I never should have called my Governor a bitch. From now on such politicians will be referred to as the "legislaturally challenged". Even the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do not deserve the title of "assholes", so from now on they will be referred to as "suffering from pervasive partisanship disorder (PPD)".

The Transcosmetic Party:  No. We Don’t Necessarily Wear Dresses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s time for a third party, a truth seeking party, a truly independent party, a Transcosmetic Party!  There is certainly a movement in America, but currently it’s brainless and leaderless (hint: when Sarah Palin is your keynote speaker, your movement needs a major laxative).  Our zombie zeitgeist moans on as the Teabag movement only adds to the unrest.  Having forty-percent of America ready and willing to vote-in any chimp with the tallest pointy white cap is not encouraging. Let me know how that Brown thing works out for you Massivetwoshits.  Populous outrage is one thing, but misguided populous outrage is quite another. 

Cadillac CTS-V: All that’s Wrong with the World?
By The Crank
The Crank

After seeing the video that GM put into its official debut of the CTS-V coupe at the Detroit auto show this past week, I feel I must comment on GM’s decision to make such a vehicle and how it relates to how the world views the U.S. and even, perhaps more importantly, how we view ourselves. Wow, that’s about the longest single cognitive thought I’ve had in a year, whew.  Can we break?

An Open Letter to Ed "Erectile Dysfunction" Whiteacre, Chairman of GM
By The Crank
The Crank

Looking for a new CEO?  GM has been run by its bean counters for more than a decade now. See how well that’s worked out.  Putting Henderson out to pasture was a smart move. Don’t blow it now! Finance guys can’t run car companies; former telephone exec can’t run it; so who can?  He is already on your staff, you autotard. He knows more about CARS than anyone out there. Bob Lutz is sacred to us car people. He is master of all that uses liquid dinosaurs and makes "The Good Noise". They say, if you prick him, he bleeds 20w50. They say, he sleeps in a bed that is a full sized replica of a Testarossa, sans top. They say, his children are named Hurst & Shelby. They say, the head of his member has a shift pattern tattooed on it…

Mick Zano: Ambivalent Protesting at its Finest
Mick Zano: Ambivalent Protesting at its Finest...Love, The Crank
Love, The Crank
 
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Happy Cranksgiving: Hey Congress, How ‘Bout a Reach Around?
By The Crank
The Crank

The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775 - you have had 234 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars.

Social Security was established in 1935 - you have had 74 years to get it right current worth – zero dollars.

Fannie Mae was established in 1938 - you have had 71 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars.

War on Poverty started in 1964 - you have had 45 years to get it right, current worth – zero dollars

Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965 - you've had 44 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars

Freddie Mac was established in 1970 - you have had 39 years to get it right; current worth – zero dollars.

Liberals believing that the government can effectively and efficiently run a nationalized health care program – PRICELESS.

Et tu Stewarte?  Discord Sues The Daily Show and Declares War on American Digest
Nov. 7, 2009Nov. 12, 2009
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Philadelphia, PA - The CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious over what looks to be more hijacked material. While viewing Fox’s Hannity on the November 12th episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart snapped in an eerily similar manner to Mick Zano in the Discord’s November 7th piece Super Fox Me.

“Zano isn’t even that funny,” said Winslow.  “Why do people keep stealing his shit?  And Stewart wasn’t just mocking Sean Hannity, he was making fun of a real incident…an incident with staggering mental health implications!  Did you see that Teddy bear hanging in Stewart’s version?  That’s our Mick.  How is that funny?” 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Massage Parlor, reported Mr. Zano had only become lucid moments before asking to watch Comedy Central.

“The Daily Show always used to make him laugh,” said Hogbien, stifling a tear.

The good doctor isn’t sure if Mr. Zano became incensed by the next round of blatantly stolen material, or if the piece was too similar to his recent ill-fated Fox blogathon.

“Either way, he’s back in a catatonic state,” said Hogbien.  “We can’t rule out a complete PTSD breakdown, or menopause. If Mr. Zano should regain consciousness, I suggest no one mention the Daily Show, American Digest, or the fact that his Parah Salin bit was snagged by maniacworld.com.  Shit…I think he heard that.”

“Our lawyer, Mr. Cohen, is certainly going to be busy,” warned Winslow.  “The Crank has already drafted a less than politically correct letter to Comedy Central.  It’s downright offensive actually.”

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Zano’s Real Fox News Blogathon: Why My Wife Insists I Switch Back to Porn
(Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ - A few weeks ago the family had the flu, so I was stuck playing Florence Nightingale (any excuse to dress up like a nurse, really).  Trapped with the sneezy twins, I decided to try watching Fox News all day, or at least as much as I could stomach.  As the Crank asserts, the media needs to be critical and questioning of each administration—be the “thorn in their side”, as he put it, which is why I’ve gone from 20 to nearly 30 minutes of Fox News viewing per week (with frequent mental health breaks involving microbrews).  As it turns out, Fox is fun and educational!  Fine, it’s neither…but, I was trapped, and the only Netflix in the house were High School Musical and the second season of Sanctuary.  Women…

Let’s Make Sure This Never Happens Again by Making Another Shitty Law
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

When something bad happens, like a Crank feature article, our instincts are to say, let’s make sure something like this never happens again, usually via a better life through litigation.  But this build-a-new-law strategy is usually counterproductive.  Have you heard about the family who took pictures of their kids in the tub?  They turned some glossies into Wal-Mart to develop and ended up losing their kids for a month to CPS.  Who knew long term babysitting could be so easy?  Fox News, sensationalism with zero forethought, dons its red cap of justice and flies in for the rescue.  The same shortsighted binary-thinking imbeciles who championed the laws that made this fiasco possible are now the most surprised by the ramifications of their deeds. Sadly, this is their usual MO (hint: they’re not horribly bright).

Austin Police Chief to Criminalize Bloggers!

Austin, TX - Austin Police Chief, Art Acevedo, says he is ready to “take on” blogs and will be perusing the comment sections on local media internet sites.  Acevedo believes his police department has been misrepresented in the blogosphere on numerous issues.

“A lot of my people feel it is time to take these people on,” said Acevedo. “When people are willfully misleading and lying, they are pretty much cowards anyway because they are doing so under the cloak of anonymity.” 

The Crank—which is his god given name, mind you—had this to say: “Hey, Buford T. Justice, leave them blogs alone!”

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, is “highly offended that Chief Acevedo keeps soliciting his children for sex.”

Mick Zano would like to add that he “hopes he comes clean on the bestiality charges soon.”

Chief Acevedo went on to say that he “likes to where pretty pink dresses and gets obnoxiously drunk during business hours on the taxpayer’s dime.”

The Daily Discord’s own, Bald Tony, has discovered the chilling truth that the first amendment means nothing to this man, and, apparently “when he’s not luring young women to their demise, he likes to lure young boys to their demise.”

In his own defense, Chief Acevedo had this to say, “I am fascinated with human excrement, but won’t seek help because of my deeply spiritual Wiccan belief system.”

The Daily Discord welcomes the Acevedo lawsuit to come.

“We’re kind of surprised the Maria Shriver lawsuit never panned out,” said Winslow. Despite the inability to get sued by anyone, Winslow remains optimistic.  “I believe any publicity is good publicity—right, goat-humping cop guy?”

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Holy Crap, Mick: Spirogyra and the Integral Blowfish?
By The Crank
The Crank

I guess I’m one of the more basal forms of life, for I had to read your integral whatever-the-fuck-it-was three times to understand it.  You are always looking for the psychological reasoning behind all that happens here on this whirling pile of dirt and water dat we call oit (well, you call it Earth, where I come from it’s oit). You subscribe  to the Ken Wilber school of thought regarding eternal happenings. I, on the other hand, subscribe to the Keith Richards school of reasoning. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED.

Happy Constitution Day!
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

How many people are aware that September 17th, was National Constitution day? My guess is “seven”.  Two-hundred twenty-two years ago on Sept 17, 1787, thirty-nine men signed the U.S. Constitution, one of them reportedly sober (the sober one was not John, “I’m going to sign this sucker so big!” Hancock).   This document built the foundation of the greatest nation in our world’s history (besides China).  Not a democracy, but a representative republic like none other before, where individuals through their chosen representatives govern themselves.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude!  The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin.  You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise!  I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.

Jake

Abilene, TX



Dear Jake,

Insane, mwaaah?  What was your first clue, Sherlock?  I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano.  In fact, Zano owes me a six pack.  Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox.  Really, hurry up and tell him…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits.  I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses. 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Government GPS Proposed in All Cars: You Have Exceeded Legal Mileage Limit RETURN HOME NOW
By The Crank
The Crank

Portland, OR - A new proposal, H.R. 3311, calls for a $150 million dollar test project designed to help the government monitor a mileage-based gas tax that would monitor all U.S. travelers. The bill was introduced by Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore.

Earl, are you Blumenauer crazy?

Where DID the 21st Century Earth Republicans REALLY Go?
By The Crank

When I was picked to lead Expedition Earth, I was eager to put to rest the age-old question involving the species known as the Republican tribe. Inspired by our recent discovery how the Maya were overrun due to a weak defense, a burdensome public healthcare option, and an almost non-existent immigration policy, we knew we were close to solving an even bigger mystery.  The Republican’s exodus from Earth remained a mystery for ions, which are like eons only futuristically spelt wrong. They didn’t just die off, as some assert, for they were fatter than their Democrat counterparts.  This has since been confirmed by many of the communications of the time. They also had better healthcare than their donkey-loving counterparts.  The Democrat tribe created a federal universal healthcare system for themselves, while their fatter counterparts had their own “specialists” paid by the client, not by the provider, as is done today. There is no record of a war or civil strife of any kind during this critical juncture of human history. Republicans just started to disappear around 2025, with the last vestiges found in cave drawings in abandoned Pennsyltucky Coal mines, circa 2077.

Hey Mick? You Win the Lottery?
By The Crank
The Crank

I assume you have won the lottery, Zano, based on your latest foray into the mind numbing netherworld of healthcare reform. You see, as has been stated before, the problem with socialism is you eventually run out of other people’s money. Now I assume you haven’t given the money aspect a thought, have you? How could you have, when you still have no idea about how money works, other than its uses when made tubular? Mental health expert, maybe, money maven, not a friggin clue (but I digress).

Sarah Palin: The New Frau Blücher!  NEEEHeeHeheeheeeheh
By The Crank
The Crank

Thankfully, there will always be people around like Mikko and his ilk, whose buttons are so much fun to press.  Today I have an announcement: I have discovered the Holy Grail of political provoking, a way to instantly turn any leftist Jekyll into an unbalanced Mr. Hyde.  Think of it as kind of a libertard Easy Button. I was watching a rather animated interview between a beautiful blond conservative columnist filling in for the Bill-O on the Fox News Channel (the only channel left with any viewers), and an official Democratic spokesperson of some kind. At first, the discourse went very well with each side expressing their views and viewpoints civilly and with proper etiquette all around; agreeing to disagree, as it were. It was then that the rent-a-Billy said the magic words: Sarah Palin. You could almost see the flop-sweat on his brow. His demeanor changed radically.  After a flash of fangs and flared nostrils, he told the world that he hoped that the next time he hears from the Palin Monster, she’d be on MTV after she marries and has sex with Flava Flav.

Earth To Mick: Can You Hear Me Now?
By The Crank
The Crank

OK, let’s break down your last bout of blogiarrhea.

First paragraph: Let’s start by bringing up the Bushmeister again, very novel.  Gee, it’s been six months already and we have to keep mentioning him to remind folks their beliefs are meaningless if they ever voted for W. That was 4 and 8 years ago. If this were the case, Micko, after your 6 year stint at a 4 year college you should remain perpetually mute. Oh yeah, then let’s quote Maher, the same guy who is looking at Vegas lounges now that Bush is no longer doing anything he can blame him for. Yes, the same Maher that just called all Americans stupid people in a recent interview.

Cranking On Gadner
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Andre,

This is a rebuttal to your posted verbal diarrhea on July 16th regarding, among other things, that child cancer patient recently in the news.  Let’s start by saying, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I would like to follow that point with a brief ARRRRRG! BLLLARRRRRG!  Whew.  Now I’m on a roll.  You had me for one paragraph, the first one, I loved it. Then you lost me, big time. You see, there are times when people have to be saved from themselves. Mickko comes to mind when he tries to BBQ (can you say “Fire Marshall”?).  Let’s start with that cancer kid. He is a child, and having been one, albeit many moons ago, I can tell you that a child can not make a conscious decision. I could not make a conscious decision until I started my meds in my mid-thirties. You may never make a conscious decision, based on your last paragraph.

An Open Letter To Whomever The Fuck Is Going To Actually Be “IN CHARGE” Of The “NEW” General Motors
(And, uh, hoping its not Obamarama, ‘cause, uh, then this whole letter is a total fucking waste of my time and, of course, the readers')
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Whomever The Fuck (DWTF),

Greetings and salutations. Like I did for your buddy Sergio, let me congratulate you on assuming only the best parts of an iconic American company for free, at the taxpayer’s expense, of course, while doing the crabwalk around all the “bad” stuff. You know, like the bondholders, and companies you forced out of business by not paying for shit you bought. Great country America, isn’t it?

Mick Zano Detained After Slim Jim Factory Explosion

Phoenix, AZ - The Daily Discord’s own Mick Zano was interrogated shortly after the explosion, in Garner, NC, of a Slim Jim Jerky Plant.  Mr. Zano became a ‘person of interest’ after one of his recent articles eerily foreshadowed events on June 8th at ConAgra foods.  Zano claims his condemnation of all jerky products only days before the massive explosion was merely “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Zano went on to say, “Think about it, if somebody doesn’t like abortion clinics, they wouldn’t go around blowing them up.”

No one has seen or heard from Mr. Zano since that last statement and rightly so.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is on the record as stating, “I will do everything in my power to see that Mick receives a fair execution.”

As much as Winslow finds Zano “morally reprehensible,” the prospect of promoting the Crank to head comedy writer fills him with an even deeper dread.  Furthermore, Mr. Winslow denies allegations that he has contacted the Jerky Boys for legal counsel.

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McDOORIS: A Very Late Rebuttal Indeed
By The Crank
The Crank

Cell phones are the bane of society?  They will bring about the end of civilization as we know it? My ass. You are like the 300 lb.lady that came into the deli, telling the clerk (me) to make sure he leaves out the maraschino cherries on the rice pudding, as they have red #2 in them, all the while she’s puffing on a fucking camel.

The CRANK MANIFESTO: The Sheer Stupidity Of Going “Green”
By The Crank
The Crank

I understand full well the entire diatribe of reasons why we need to get the needle full of foreign oil out of our collective veins. But the main reason remains this: so the fucking Middle East can go back to lobbing sandbags at each other with catapults even the Geico Cavemen would laugh at.  Other expedient energy sources are fine, provided they pass the smell test.  In my own State of Arizona (as well as my regular state of confusion) it should be illegal to build a house without some form of solar energy. It’s called the Valley of the Sun here for a reason, which, of course, is why Nancy Pelosi is pushing for a Phoenix Hydroelectric plan.  Twit.  If you have ever tried to play golf in July here, it’s like the surface of the sun. The skin coming off my back in sheets is a testament to that. You could pee your pants in front of your mother-in-law at 120 degrees and 6% humidity and she wouldn’t know it.  I’m just saying…theoretically.  It’s the only state where your eyeballs actually shrivel. Up until recently, the brain sturgeons on the HOA’s wouldn’t even let you put up a solar panel for fear of ruining you neighbors view! Blistering dorks all.

Discord Holds Protests in Six Cities to Bash the Media: No One Covers It

Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause.  In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!”  Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!”  Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine.  At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited.  Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!”  OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25th he added the exclamation point - for the cause.  Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated). 

“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”

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California Cranken
By The Crank
The Crank

Did the people of California actually vote for Pelosi and Feinstein?  God, I hope our democracy is just hopelessly broken.  Someone rigged the election, yeah, that’s it.  A good old fashioned election rigging would restore my faith in the…ahhh, broken system.

Mikko, Mikko, Mikko
By The Crank
The Crank

First off, it’s painfully obvious with your rather word-y response to my rant that you have WAY too much time on your hands and WAY too much access to useless information—unless, of course, you harbor the secret desire to be the next William Ef Buckley.

The Crank Manifesto: On Hannity & Zano, a Match Made in Heaven!
By The Crank
The Crank

Sean Hannity, Micko? You couldn’t resist seeking out the only other person on this whole whirling shithole of a planet that can’t let go of George Bush. Did you just happen to tune in on America’s Newsroom with Megyn “Long-Legs” Kelly and Bill Whateverthefuck? No. Did you just happen to tune in on FOX & Friends with Gretchen “Up-Skirt” Carlson? No. How about The FOX Report with Shepard “I’z-Only-Read’n-Wuts-on-de-Teluhpromptr” Smith? No. Not even The O’Reilly Factor with Bill “See-My-Reflection-in-This-Window” O’Reilly? No. It just HAPPENED to be Sean Hannity, a man whose idea of going “green” was buying a Cadillac Escalade Hybrid. BULLSHIT! You’re looking at a mirror image of yourself, there, Micko. Like when the transporter divided Kirk into the “Good” Kirk and the “Bad” Kirk on Star Trek. Alan Colmes got so all-fucking tired of hearing it he quit! Where can an old funny-looking Democrat with a Roswellian-shaped head and 4 million memorized talking points find work? Oh yeah, there’s always MSNBC, where all bad journalists go to die.

THE CRANK MANIFESTO: The Zano Rebuttal
By The Crank
The Crank

There are many problems with your last bullshit-filled verbal-diarrhea (BFVD). You claim to be a social liberal but a fiscal conservative. MY ASS. I know you…a little TOO well. You’re only conservative with your “fiscal”. Your friends and family have noticed all too well how “liberal” you are with our fucking “fiscal.” You are a tight ass, Mickky, and your ass is so tight it’s fucking watertight. When you fart it’s like letting the helium out of a balloon by squeezing the opening between your fingers. What sound is emitted can only be heard by dogs. Haven’t you ever noticed how the barking starts in your neighborhood soon after the burrito dinner at Taco Bell?

CRANK MANIFESTO On Driving and Cars
By The Crank
The Crank

Driving. Yes, driving. To all you multi-tasking mongrels—there are no cup holders, cell phone holders, or ashtrays in German cars for a reason. Driving is a full time job! You fudge packers can’t walk and jerk off at the same time, and you expect us to believe you can talk on the phone, text, smoke, drink, and check your atrocious Alice Cooper makeup in the mirror at the same time? Douche bags! Try driving! You get to go places and arrive intact!

Cluster Blank: the Movie
By The Crank
The Crank

There I was up to my knees in caribou dung, surrounded by a thousand Ezakwantu tribe’s women naked to the waist. Sorry, another Wild Kingdom flashback. Here’s the thing, my now regular Monday morning trip to the bank for my Unemployment Obamamoney went south...southern Africa Ezakwantu tribe’s women south. Also known as, you trust big government? Why?

Extreme Politics: the Baghdad Bob Syndrome
By The Crank
The Crank

Now that the powers that be have determined that I no longer need employment, the few of you northwestcoasties that will actually read this will probably be hearing much more of me. Like it or not. And I honestly hope ‘not’, as that would make my time at the computer much more rewarding. Ninja porn reference omitted.

Star Trek: Into Beigeness
By The Crank
The Crank

Phoenix, AZ—After meeting Mick and entourage at a pool party on the surface of the sun, we decided to go see the new Star Trek movie the next day, en masse. As my lovely bride and I waited outside the theater the next morning, it was then I remembered that Micko doesn’t really do mornings, per se. He is more of a crack-of-nooner, as it were.

New York Guido Meets Arizona Gun Show
By The Crank
The Crank

Mrs. Crank has of late voiced an opinion that we should be thinking about getting a firearm for personal protection. My first reaction was to ask, who was she and what had she done with the original Mrs. Crank? Visions of pod people and dopplecrankers danced in my head.

Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!
Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!

Vatican City—In conjunction with God, the Daily Discord is offering cash, cars, and sexual favors (missionary style only) for the person who comes the closest to guessing the upcoming last tweet of his Holiness the Pope. Pope Benedict the whatshisface is bowing down and this time with no ill intentions toward children. He is planning his farewell tweet on February 28th, but here are the rules. The Discord staff gets to go first, which can be translated roughly as the rest of you don’t stand a chance, or in Latin, "Vos autem nolite stare liceator!" If you still want to play, just submit your Pope tweet by hitting our contact button or this groovy hyperlink here. Oh, and did we mention all submissions must be in Latin?


Pierce X. Winslow
@PierceWinslow
Cum Sinite parvulos ad me. Oh, dixi quod ex magna? (Suffer the little children to cum on me. Oh, did I say that out loud?)
9:26 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

Mick Zano
@mzzano
Iam operor ego adepto keys ut Pope Mobile? (Now do I get the keys to the Pope Mobile?)
9:32 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
0 Retweets 0 Favorites

Erisa Brahe
@erisaBrahe
Quamdiu omnibus gratias ichthys! (So long, and thanks for all the Jesus fish.)
9:48 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
5 Retweets 3 Favorites

The Crank
@theCrank
Ego teneo tamen haud one....NO UNUS pulsatus leviculus hat! (I know I’m stepping down, but no one....NO ONE touches the silly hat!)
9:55 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
7 Retweets 2 Favorites

The Ghetto Shaman
@ghettoShaman
Videre vos post, Bitches! Viva las Vegas! (See you later, Bitches!  I'm going to Vegas.)
10:03 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
6548 Retweets 2569 Favorites

Sandra Day O'Connor
@sandyOConnor
That was a lifetime appointment! Quitter! (Sorry, Sandra, Latin submissions only)
10:20 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
10 Retweets 6 Favorites
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Cranky Predictions for 2013
By The Crank
The Crank

2012 is over, thank the Lord. Every year for the past five, I thought the next year just HAD to be better. How did that work out? Not so good. I sincerely hope this year will actually be better than the last, but ah-aint-a-holdin-mah-breth. Here are my predictions for 2013, which has implications for the global economy, rock & roll, and comedy bloggers everywhere.

Catitude: The Cat's Domestication of Mankind
By The Crank
The Crank

I have cats, two. One is a fat old, crotchety female. The other, male, is a one-year-old walking bag of shedding-fur. I like cats, for one main reason: Steven Hawking couldn’t find the infinitesimal shit they give about anything. I love that. If I wanted some smelly drooly stupid animal to act as if it were a new appendage, I would get a dog. Dogs are for people who need that unconditional love. It’s like living with a two year old for twenty years. No thanx. Bad enough I have to deal with Zano visiting now and again.

Plight of the Phoenix: How I Stopped Worrying About On-Coming Traffic and Learned to Love the Valley
By The Crank
The Crank

Here are some of the dos and don’ts when driving around the Phoenix area

1. First, learn to pronounce the city name properly; it’s FEE-NICKS. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced (Core-ss).

Discord Resorts to Black Magic to Increase Ratings
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, "I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary...you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook."

Dear Fox News
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Divided by Plan: or How I Learned to Stop Voting and Love the Bums
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Crank is right about one thing...naah, just kidding. Sorry but meaningful debate is deader than the Kentucky Darwin Museum. It’s why any discourse officially ended here on The Discord; it’s why I’ve decided to hunt ghosts in brewpubs instead of cover our pending collapse (Twilight of the Grogs?). Today, if you show any political insight whatsoever, you can be overturned with one Bachmannesque, crayon-graph backed rant.

Honey, We Have a Problem
By The Crank
The Crank

On one sunny, hot as the hinges of Hell, day here on the surface of the sun, I was alone on the showroom floor. My cell phone rings. I see it’s ‘home’ so I pick up expecting to hear something like a ‘I’m home from work. See you soon, honey," kind of thing. Well, not so much.

Semi-Unified Conspiracy Theories
By The Crank
The Crank

There’s a lot going on today and with our media tanking it’s time we learned the truth! Conspiracy theories are rampant, yet what are we to make of the Age of Misinformation? The Daily Discord has paid me handsomely to get to the bottom of several of the leading stories of our time. I, The Crank, found most of the loose strings of a generation and tied them into a nice little bow. On that note, I could really use that case of Coca Cola now, Mr. Winslow. It would be better for everyone if it arrived soon…

Temp Sensitivity in AZ or It’s 72°, Get My Sweater
By The Crank
The Crank

As I enter my pool after a hard day’s work, I’m greeted by the momentary chill one gets when going from over 105° to a frigid 88°. As I start my exercise routine, I soon warm. Fifteen minutes of calisthenics, followed by ten minutes of "floundering" as I don’t really swim, per se. When I decide I’ve had about enough of this whole "healthy" thing, I float like a dead man for another ten minutes...or, as I call it, the ‘Fuck You Richard Simmons’ position.

Technology Bytes
By The Crank
The Crank

In a world where we’ve become so totally dependent upon electronic wizardry to do even the most basic of tasks, the failure of such technology makes us old timers long for the old days. The latest tech forces us to choose between quality and convenience. Do we wish to get off our ever fatter asses and actually ‘do’ something? No, we want something done ‘for us’ by the magic little Chinese dude inside our latest job robber from the east. Ask not what your Compaq can do for you, but what you can...a fuggedaboutit.

Captain Viagra Peters Out
Captain Viagra Peters Out

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

"Umm, we get enough of that," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly)."

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, "The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover."

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, "Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!" He then shouted, "To infidelity and beyond!" but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

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Oh My, You’ve Lost Some Weight!
By The Crank
The Crank

I get that a lot lately. Yes, the 800lb beige gorilla in the room has managed to somehow lose 30 lbs. Giving up nearly everything you love to eat apparently has that effect. When I was younger the only incentive to stay fit involved getting girls. But sometimes even then it just wasn’t enough (aka, boy those Twinkies and that 3 liter bottle of Coke look real good, but I better not if I want to gggaaaammmffff-glugglugglug). Oh well, so much for the diet or the date.

The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
By The Crank
The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
The Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors...you know, the Middle Class.

Discord Dissident Disses the Debt Deal Debacle
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let’s be clear here, this is a non rebuttal rebuttal (NRR), Mr. Crank. Keeping my mouth shut is not always easy, as my librarian can attest, but I will try to keep the rebut-thing to a minimum. This post will cover our continued budget woes, what the Florida shooting says about society, and the Discord’s failed attempt at being a uniter. Who’d have thought a site called The Daily Discord would fail to bring people together? Shocking.

Finger Puppets the Most Misunderstood of Toys

It’s times like these I really begin to question this project.

“It’ll be fun,” Pierce told me.  “Think of the travel, the women, the high adventure.”

What a load of crap! 

This week, Mr. Winslow said, “Why don’t you do something on finger puppets?”

He really said that—with a straight face.

“Mick,” he said, “our readers are sick of you and the Crank going at it about last week’s news.”  Then, with the same straight face, he goes, “A feature on finger puppets, now that’s the ticket.”

How can I even respond to that?  I hate him.

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The Discord Caption Contest Winners Are:
The Discord Caption Contest Winners Are:
Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape (C. Heston)
It’s said her balls grew 10 sizes that day (Dr. Seuss)
Right idea, wrong finger (The Crank)
 
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Review of the 'Accu-Check Aviva' Glucose Monitoring System
By The Crank
The Crank

Or, as I like to call it, "Ignorance in Design, Futility in Function". As you can probably glean from the title, this is one beige gorilla who will be looking for another way to test my glucose. Years of Twinkies and ‘hecho en Mexico’ Coke have started to take their toll. Maybe Hostess going under isn’t such a bad thing... Meanwhile, my dear Doctor has told me I must take horsey-pill sized meds to help me stave off the seemingly inevitable fat man’s disease...Twinkities.

Discord’s Word of the Day: Googootz!
By The Crank
The Crank

Typically, when a coworker comes to me first thing in the morning with a ‘story’, I feign interest. I might smile and maybe even nod periodically as if listening intently to this intriguing yarn (much in the same way I read Zano posts).

Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"

Stick to Writing Jokes, Mikko: The Zano Rebuttal Rides Again
By The Crank
The Crank

First, let me be the first to congratulate you on the crying Korean-slash-Bachmann joke. Well done, sir. Second, I know Darth Winslow warned me about political commentary—just like the Politicos, he has to pander to his base (all six of them). Yeah, I know, "they are six really smart people!" I’m sorry, dear Winnie, like the spider who kills the goose he’s riding across the river on and drowns, it’s wut ah do.

Watching the Recording Industry Shit on Me since the F-ing 60s
By The Crank
Watching the Recording Industry Shit on Me since the F-ing 60s
The Crank

The hysterical lawsuit letter you are about to read is very real, but let’s begin our tale here: in the late sixties, my earliest memories of recorded music involved 45s and albums on an ancient record player, one that my tech savvy brother-in-law managed to hook up to my brother’s accordion amp. Mono Led Zeppelin, lots of bass, who wus better’n me?

Geographical Answers to Global Problems
By The Crank
Geographical Answers to Global Problems
The Crank

Okay, here goes. You want world peace? Well, I think I may have some answers. I want you to look at the globe, not as a mixture of political boundaries, but a world of people sharing a pastime, or addiction, or religion. Frankly, all of this melting pot stuff is a waste of perfectly good marijuana.

I Said I Wasn’t Going to Read Zano’s Post, But, Alas, I Did
By The Crank
The Crank

Mikko, I usually forgo reading your diatribes because, well, your diatribes are no longer funny. I don’t like being sad, and you make me sad. Sad is the opposite of funny. I’m sorry, but it’s true, ask anyone. Oh, that’s right…to ask someone you’d have to be on speaking terms with them. Sorry, I forgot the whole "Zano no longer exists in our world" pledge we all took here at the ‘cord.

Planting the Seeds of Discord and Unintended Consequences
By The Crank
The Crank

Einstein once said for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction*. One smart, hairy Jew, that E fella. Sometimes, a reaction occurs that wasn’t foreseen by the ‘actor’. That is what is known as an ‘unintended consequence.’ The Daily Discord has become the unintended consequences capital of the internet lately and on the national stage…well, that’s even worse.


*Winslow’s note: I know, this is actually Newton’s Third Law of Motion from some 192 years before Einstein was born, but he's on a roll...


Old Singers & 9/11 Don’t Mix
By The Crank
The Crank

In retrospect, when I watched the 9/11 ceremonies in Manhattan from my living room (a misnomer), it struck me, there’s a reason singers who had hits in their twenties shouldn’t try to sing them when they’re pushing seventy.  I watched Paul Simon, folk guitar in-hand, completely butcher "The Sounds of Silence."  You know what would have been more respectful?  Umm, silence?

Searching for New Investors: The Blues Mobiles are Dead
By The Crank
The Crank

Have I got the investment for you! Over the years, as we grow older, our needs change. We start life in diapers, go on to tighty whities, and on to boxers, then, well, back to diapers. We start out sleeping all day, then at night, then not even then, then at night again, then all day, just intermittently. Our lives come full circle, but there is one area that has disappeared from the scene. Old people cars…complete with deploying Depends feature.

Arizona’s Asphalt Jungle: why the City of Glendale can stick its Corrugated Drainpipe up its own Drainpipe
By The Crank
The Crank

As I sit here at my place of employment, gazing out at what has become the biggest fiasco-slash-cluster fuck of any city utility improvement project ever, I can’t help but think, wow, there really are more incompetent people than at the dailydiscord.com.  Hey, if you hyperlink to where you already are does that create a virtual wormhole?  Try it.

Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

Scientists Lied, Camels Died
By The Crank
The Crank

Ok Mikkey, here is another one of those generalities you hate so much. All your statements on "climate change" "global farting" "death warmed over" or whatever you choose, are wrong. All of them (Geeh, I so love doing that).

Happy Crankipendence Day: for those who Give a Shit
By The Crank
The Crank

Spiro T. Agnew was right thirty some odd years ago.  He called it how he saw it. The "Press" and its Liberal/Progressive lemmings are exactly what he said they were, "Effete intellectual snobs."  He got his ass handed to him in a mayonnaise jar for that—only he was right on the money.

Hey, Mikko, Stop Blowing Wind up My Ass
By The Crank
The Crank

Thank you for the accolades, true that they all are. When you get old enough, and haven’t lived in a cave, usually you get smarter—usually, not always. I do know many stupid old people. It’s called education by default. Now, down to business…

The Last Supper: Progressive Thought and Reverse Peristalsis
By The Crank
The Crank

You know it’s too late when they start to get that glassy-eyed look—a look that can only be described as a pot head minus the beneficial "medicinal" effects. I recently went to dinner with four progressive familial units (PFU), a setting where I should refrain from speaking on any number of topics. It’s just too much to ask me to choose between Spaghetti Bolognese and terminal heartburn. I like to eat, ok. I’m circumferencely impaired. But listen, family, if you are trying to help me eat less, just keep it up. We’ll call it the Reflux Diet Plan.

Discord Responds to Dems & Republicans...Release the CRANKEN!!!
Discord Responds to Dems & Republicans...Release the CRANKEN!!!
 
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Crankin' from Long Island to Arizona
By The Crank
The Crank

I now call Arizona my home, and have for six years.  But, recently, I started to consider to just what I miss and don’t miss about Lawn Guylin’.  To start with, FOOD plays a big part of what I miss. Hell, food plays a big part of what I AM. And I have news for the people of Arizona: just because an establishment has the name ‘New York’ some-fucking-where in the title, does not mean the pizza will taste as such—unless you have the wrong kinda shrooms on that bad boy.

Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors
Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010.  After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.

"The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance," stated CEO Pierce Winslow.

Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman.  The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has "since been fired," added Winslow.

 "We are happy to have won the foam finger," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath.  "I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing  jerks for the last two years."

The Crank told reporters, "I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!"  Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences. 

"This is an amazing accomplishment," said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony.  "I am just surprised this is the first year we won."

Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.

"It’s about going to Tahoe," added Tony.  "I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?"

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Crankin’ Up a Shutdown
By The Crank
The Crank

As we near the deadline for our children in Congress to play nice and pass a friggin’ budget, we hear repeated threats of a complete government shutdown (CGS). Oooh!  Noooh! Mr. Bill, stuck on Capitol Hill!  We can’t have that, now can we?  For the world will surely fold up and die, the sky will fall, plagues, locusts, and the elderly will have to eat the locusts!  And the Seventh Seal will start barking or something…

I’m Waving the Cranky White Towel of Disgust
By The Crank
The Crank

We’re all toast. I can’t argue anymore, Mikko. To paraphrase the Grateful Dead, we’re all goin’ to hell in a hand basket, but where I beg to differ with Mr. Garcia is this: I am NOT enjoyin’ da ride.  The 28 days of February saw the U.S. borrow a record 266 billion dollars. That’s more than most presidents’ YEARLY deficit!   In fact, that’s more than most of the Discord contributor’s combined bar tabs…or pretty darn close.

Crank on the Super Bowl
By The Crank
The Crank

The guys in the white hats finally won out over the guys with the black hats. Good has triumphed over evil, yet again. No, I ain’t talking about the final score, per se. I am talking about three particular players that had a lot to do with the score. And, believe it or not, one of these players wasn’t even in the game.  

A 2010 Zano-Style Rebuttal
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My New Year’s resolution is no more stories about Fox News.  Oh, oh, wait, but there’s one more thing… The Crank’s view, as always, suspiciously resembles Fox’s and can be summed up thusly: socialism = bad, cutting spending = good.  Very helpful—well, not really—not when this all-or-Fox thinking threatens to block any meaningful fiscal reform.  Here’s what we should be taking away from this year in politics: some Advil.

Christmas No Mas: or How the Crank Saved Christmas
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness.  The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege.  As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again.  What’s next?  Take the nukka out of Hanukkah?  Take the Ramada out of Ramadan?  The zaa out of Kwanzaa?  Take the birth out of Birthday?  The Bud out of Buddha?  Wait, scratch that last one. 

In Defense of Our 44th President
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that everyone is piling on Obama like a Cambodian stampede, it’s time to come to the aid of my old pal, Mr. Mediocre.  Currently, Bush’s approval rating is 44% and Obama’s is 39%.  Huh?  Granted, Obama’s struggling, but Bush’s approval rating should only be calculable using quantum fractals, pygmy fractions, or perhaps some other non-Euclidian geometry only found down in Whoville on Psilocybin Wednesdays.  Speaking of which, Shaman man…what are ya doing Wednesday?

Cobra Sucks: or why at 42 I want Obamacare to Allow Me Back on My Parent’s Insurance
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA. 

The Crank's Idea of Em-bed-ded Reporting
The Crank's Idea of Em-bed-ded Reporting
This is why we don't let him out much
 
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Another Unnecessary Scathing Personal Attack on Pernick
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Somehow unnecessary wars and the Bush tax cuts never seem to match up to Jimmy Carter’s move to get people into homes.  Do I have to show you the graph again?  The Congressional Budget Office numbers site Bush tax cuts and the wars as the two biggest deficit generators.  The housing debacle is ranked third, and is comparatively much less of a projected issue over time, but I understand how third can be first when seen through the magniFoxing glass.

Against My Doctor and My Lawyers Advice, I Have Taken Glenn Beck's 40/40 Challenge
Mick Zano

What about Beck? Glenn Beck is an enigma to me, much like algebra. He extrapolates to the point of absurdity; yet, there’s something to be said for this pseudo-intellectual Mr. Magoo from hell. Beck must regularly trip on substances even the Ghetto Shaman can’t get his grubby little hands on, but I’m still not ready to dismiss everything he says.

Don’t Tell Me ‘bout Racism, I’m a $@#% Beige Gorilla!
By The Crank
The Crank

The one thing positive to come out of the Obamarama election, ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, was the whole racist thing might finally go away like a persistent case of Herpes Simplex II after the Zovirax treatment (…or so I’m told). Instead, the liberal progressive camp of refrigerator white bearded bald, muscle-less do-gooders (yes, that is a personal attack) has managed to set civil rights back a millennium or two.  Not to mention those embarrassing breakout sores.

I’m Sure You Made a Valid Point Somewhere, Crank: We Have People Working on It Now
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Winslow usually won’t post a rebuttal of a rebuttal, but I know what he drinks.  OK, Crank, why can’t Rep. Boehner and Speaker Pelosi both be bad for America?  I would like to see the Dems lose the house just to see Nancy Pelosi sit the hell down.  She is one of the singularly most ridiculous figures in politics today.  And, in 2010, that’s an astounding refudiation.  Anyone who says "the best way to create jobs is to extend unemployment benefits" needs to turn in her gavel by the end of the work day.  You must do it during business hours, of course, because it won’t slide under the door.  But getting Boehner (OH) to replace Pelosi as the next Speaker of the House is kind of like replacing Edith Bunker with Reverend Jim from Taxi (am I showing my age?).Whereas I never support stupidity on either side of the aisle, you steadfastly support your local moron.

Boomeritis, College Trials, and the Infamous Starburst Incident
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s time to pick on the thought police, those destroyers of the 1st and 2nd Amendment rights, the fodder for Hannity’s America, the Pluralistic Pelosi Police (P3).  You know them better as those libs against liberty, hiding in their dubious Ivory Towers.  I really didn’t see much liberal indoctrination during my 6 ½ year undergraduate work stint.  I met the inside of a lot of bars and the inside of a lot of young—never mind.  Suffice to say, my study habits were poor and my drinking habits were poorer.   I drink therefore I cram, kind of sums it up nicely.  

Crankin on the 2011 Hyundai Sonata, or Captain Nemo, your ride is here
The Crank

My wife has an uncanny knack of keeping things alive way beyond their allotted time on this planet. A past pet comes to mind, not to mention a certain Stephen King Novel. My son has my living will.  He knows, when it’s my time, not to let my wife near the doctors or she’ll either have my head in a Futurama-style glass jar, or I’ll be a Cranksicle next to old Walt Disney.

Dear Mick Zano: You’re fired
By The Crank
You’re fired
The Crank

As a duely appointed representative of the Coalition of Daily Discord Contributors (CDDC), it is my unfort...er, slightly unhapp…er, giddily merry duty to inform you that your services are no longer required.  I have sent armed escorts to assist you from your seat by the window at the coffee shop where you get free wi-fi /coffee/sex/whatever. Your laptop’s on-line capabilities will be removed and news shows will be blocked by your cable company. You will not get a final check because, well, you don’t get one now.

Interview with the Zanpire
By The Crank
The Crank

The following is a one-on-one interview with Mick Zano, or the Zanferatu of the Daily Discord. While I feel strongly that the Discord readers must begin to understand the real Zano, it was taking place during a particularly great short-skirted blond interviewing another great short-skirted blond on Fox News, so I was somewhat distracted.

Cranking on the Border
By The Crank
The Crank

As a legal occupant of Azirona (citizen is too strong a word, it connotes some kind of active knowledge of all things Azironian), I decided that the rhetoric I have heard in the past few months on both sides of the question on Azirona’s new immigration law made it necessary for me to go down to the border and get the scoop myself.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Protest
By The Crank
The Crank

When the new Arizona law on immigration was announced, all the liberal slash progressive types in the media and the entertainment field came out of the woodwork, like PhotoShoppers on Draw Muhammad Day. It was kinda like the White House rat, I mean Rahm, when he stole the show from Obama’s last speech.  Oh, and thanks to all the cities and officials that want to boycott Arizona. The only people they are hurting is the Hispanic population. They practically run the service industry.  I’m sure we’re all shaking in our boots now that Than Franthithco won’t be here any time soon. I have two words to say to all of the above, THANK YOU. No, REALLY, thank you.

Greece is the Word
By The Crank
The Crank

These days, Greece may also be the turd.  For those of you in a carbohydrate induced coma (CIC), or those of you too busy protesting for more free shit to notice, Europe is akin to a rather large canoe floating steadily down Shit River, with Victoria Falls in the near distance, without a paddle.

Does America Need an Integral, Yet Raging, Nougat-Filled Center?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

There’s a current bias toward moderates these days. It’s an essentially meaningless word, like the dollar. The Crank feels people are really in the middle of most issues and that the nuts portrayed in the media are nothing more than good entertainment. I don’t think if you take Spiral Dynamics seriously, which I do, you can so easily dismiss the different perspectives at work here. Nine states want to secede, and I happen to be living in one of them. I want to secede too, but not for the same reasons they do. Someone needs to do something about reality television and open container laws! See?

Discord at the Discord: or, Why as a Contributor I’ve Resorted to Death Threats and Violence
By L. Wolfe
Statue of Daily Discord CEO Pierce Winslow toppled
L. Wolfe

To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article.  I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano).  This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant.  I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.

Dr. Obamacare: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Healthcare Bill
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Mr. Pernick, Obama is simply preparing you for something Republicans have put off thinking about for a long time…something called the future.  Your view of reality is as short-lived as that new Facebook group, Mohammed Caricature Artists of Damascus (has the meeting been moved to Wed., Abdullah?).  In the immortal words of Dan Akroyd, "Do you want to see something really scary?"  Try reading the UK’s defense plan for the next twenty-five years.  I have.  Soylent Green, it’s Brit folk.  I think sending them all that SPAM during the war has changed their DNA.   Now if we could only find a more eco-friendly way to upgrade yours…

Voter Victimization: How Do I Know When My Political Party is Abusive and Controlling?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

About a year ago, Pokey McDooris wrote an article championing the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.  Either these guys have tanked even more, or Pokey got a hold of some unusually strong pot that week. Hydropundits? During my last trip to Las Vegas, I had to listen to Rush Limbaugh between Kingman, AZ and Boulder City, NV—a long stretch of highway not dissimilar in appearance to the moon. I lost the signal twice, hit search, and immediately found those invisible airwaves crackling with Rush. I couldn’t really find any common ground, though.  And I was actually trying to find some for the first hundred-miles or so.  It’s lonely on the moon. I felt like that dog from Chevy Chase’s Vacation. "He probably kept up for a mile or so…" (sniffle).  Limbaugh was shamelessly trying to rewrite history and defend the indefensible.   Overall, his "views" showed an astounding lack of insight.  Everything was painted…and a really off color.  There’s the act of painting the actual stars in the night sky (realism) then there’s Van Gogh’s version of the night sky (impressionism) and then there’s Limbaugh’s view, where you just vomit on the canvas at night and hope for the best (host-depressionism). 

Mick Zano: Dip 3
By The Crank
Bush, Obama, and Zano teabagging
The Crank

Zano, you make your living by doing very necessary and commendable things that you hope and pray the Government will eventually pay you for. If you aren’t employed by someone making bombs or bombers (or, in your case, Costco-sized medicinal marijuana outlets), you have relied too heavily on the Lib/Dem faction of Americana for your daily ration of beer and snausages. You’ve based your likes or dislikes of politicians on how much of the taxpayer’s money will be given to your little project. That’s how we differ. I was brought up in a household that rated anyone by the total amount of deli food you could purchase from our little project. A deli, for those living in the southwest, or in space, is a place you can buy wholesome ready-to-eat real actual formerly living things type food, in a non-nationwide-chain format.  A place owned and operated by someone who actually knows how to cook.  Our income depended on the money that the citizens had to spend, after Uncle Sam had sucked his ration of vitamin "B" from our collective carotids. Uh, that’s the way I thought capitalism was supposed to woik. Granted, your way is healthier, but ours is way more fun…

A Mikky-Twoshits Rebuttal
By The Crank
The Crank

Oh, where to begin… Great, you watched Fox Business Channel.  Small steps, Mick, small steps.  We don’t want a relapse.  But you were surprised that a business channel is focusing solely on how well the markets are doing. Uh, Mick, it’s a BUSINESS CHANNEL, just what exactly were you expecting? (sigh) I do not typically turn to the Green Planet Channel (GPC) for all the latest strip mining techniques.

The Great Crank Hunter
By The Crank
The Crank

As for those Gitmo specials, some say we should bring them here and try them in civilian courts. Riiiiiighttt… Eric Holder’s announcement the 911 masterminds were coming to NY ranks up there as one of the most boneheaded moves of the decade (and that’s saying something). We could put them in a cell next to the crotch bomber, eh?  Others say, let ’em rot in Gitmo. But they will "rot" at a per-person cost to us greater than NASAs next ten attempts to blow up the friggin moon. Why should we pay for them to live in relative comfort, as compared to the damn sand holes they came from? Still others say, let a Military Tribunal take care of them. They had six years to do that and, so far, nada.  So I have better idea.  Two words…Hunting Reserves.

I’ll Show You My Twitter if You’ll Sit on My Facebook
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ — Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don’t care how any of you rat-bastards are doing in FarmVille and/or Mafia Wars; and, no, I don’t want to play. You’re all doped up on goofballs. What the hell is FarmVille, anyway?! Wait, don’t answer that. In this instance, the Crank is right—I can’t handle the truth.

It Might Not Happen Tomorrow: So Keep On Polluting
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

With Climategate emerging and Al Gore's 'world fever' breaking a bit, It could happen tomorrow might now be renamed It could happen next Tuesday around dinner time. Of course, this is a long title that could use some editing, but the four main points won't change on this topic: 1) there are earthly cycles that we don't fully understand, 2) man's impact on this phenomenally complex system is not fully understood, 3) pollution = bad, and 4) strange things certainly are afoot at the Circle K. 

Zano You Ignorant Slut
(Remember SNL, Kids?)
By The Crank
The Crank

Did your fambly have the flu? Yes. (Funny, they don’t look fluish J).  Free FAMBLA!  Did you sit in front of the TV for a couple of days? Probably. Did you watch Fox? I seriously doubt it. Were you “lit” drinking cheap wine from a beer mug and inhaling massive quantities of second hand smoke? Most definitely.  Your mind couldn’t take that much ‘anti-matter’ news in one sitting without blood trickling down your ears and your eyes glazing over as they rolled back into that cynical skull of yours. Remember the movie Scanners? Remember the scene where that guy's head ‘splodes? That would have been you on 24hrs of Fox. Bullshit. Like Jack Nicholson said, “You can’t handle the truth.”  You were probably switching back to the Contraindicated News Network when you were left alone, like a 12 year old kid switching back to “Girls Gone Wild” when mommy leaves the room.

Zano’s Real Fox News Blogathon: Why My Wife Insists I Switch Back to Porn
(Part 2)

We left our hero trying to live-blog Fox News 24 hours straight without going on a killing spree.  Fox was talking about czars, the H1N1 twins were still sick, and I was running out of Deschute’s Porter.  I would have gotten them both the vaccine, if the government wasn’t using it to track all of our activities.  Besides, under Obama, any shot would inject socialized medicine directly into my veins.

Worse than Carter?
By The Crank

When I worried Obama was going to be the new Jiminy Carter, it never occurred to me that it could be worse. With the help from—as Mikko calls him, Sith Lord Rahm—Obama is quickly morphing into Richard Millhouse Nixon II.  Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the White House. Dad um, Dad um, Dadumdadumdadum. Our Prez and his Chief of Staff are control freaks that make Nixon look like Gandhi.  Obama seized control of the American auto industry in the guise of “a much needed bailout to help working families.” We should have, let them ‘go Elvis’.  That is very hard for me to admit, because I am a fan of both companies, not to mention Elvis. If Obama had let them die naturally, he couldn’t force them to “go green” and build cars that nobody F-ing wants.  Although, never leaving the driveway is probably good for the environment.  Detroit’s little dark secret, besides Ted Nugent, is that the government listed the top sellers during the Cash For Clunkers in such a way to make the small cars come out as best sellers. But, if you don’t divide trucks and SUVs into 4 classes (2wd trucks, 4wd trucks, 2wd SUVs and 4wd SUVs), the leading sellers were all …wait for it…..wait for it….TRUCKS! 

A Change I Can Bereave In
By The Crank
The Crank

I just love med changes. It’s like “let’s see what parts of my body and/or mind THESE little fuckers will decide to play with next.” It’s always a hoot. Well, as I sat home recovering from my latest foray into the netherworld of psychotropic medication (NPM), I decided to watch CSPAN for a while, never having done so. I have heard that there are two things you never want to watch being made, laws and sausage. In my past life, in the retail food industry, I saw sausages and frankfurters being made many times. Now, having seen how laws are made, I prefer the sausage thing. While it is definitely NOT for the easy queasy, it is quite interesting. Various parts of “formerly living things” (the parts you won’t see brightly packaged at you local Safeway Meat Dept.) processed into beige goo, inserted into intestines of other “formerly living things”, like libertards, and cooked, salted, and food-colored into something that looks good on a bun. Now there’s something to watch between games on Sunday. Seeing laws made, on the other hand, not so much.

Apes, Shamans, and Atsals on Health Care
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

The Crank and the Mick have both missed the point on the topic of health care.  Therefore, I need to put in my three cents.  My three cents includes something they tend to overlook, common sense (or dollars).  I may be jumping the gun a little bit about Crank and Mick’s articles and opinions, but I doubt it.  Truth be told, I read only the titles of their posts, that seems to be more than enough for me this week.  My guess is the Crank is of the opinion that any form of public health care will ruin the country outright, and Mick feels nothing will ever work because George W. Bush was once our president.  Mick probably related this to the ever-growing national level of consciousness and seven different political talk show hosts so obscure it would take a PhD in C-span 2 to decipher.  The Crank probably related it to a funny colored big ape, perhaps the same one they were testing The Ghetto Shaman’s latest “cures” on.  He probably attacked Mick’s position in the form of very colorfully worded outbursts of CAPITALIZED SENTENCES!!! 

Governor David A. Paterson: Running Blind

New York, NY - Governor David A. Paterson is still running for re-election as Governor of New York, despite President Barak Obama’s suggestion that he withdraw from the race…oh, we can’t do this.  The guy is blind.  How is that funny?  Scrap this one, Winslow.  We have to draw the line somewhere.  Besides, why is this guy Governor of New York if his name’s Paterson?  Sounds like he’s a few miles off the mark, eh?  I used to do dope runs in Paterson all the time.  Good times, good times.  

So how’s the kids?  Can you do something about the Crank? He is really starting to piss me off.  Did you see the pic where he’s water boarding me?  What the hell is that shit?  He is out of control, dude!  Since when is torture funny?

You wanna get drunk this weekend?

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Will the Real Conservatives Please Stand Up: At Least the Ones Who Are Medically Safe to Do So
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Folks are finally taking notice of how the media has reduced the political debate to something akin to a cafeteria-style food fight.  Each side only lobs the meatballs of mutiny when the opposition party is on cafeteria duty.  Both patriotards and libertards (roughly 80% of the pop) are ready and willing to storm the Bastille, but for all the wrong reasons.  MSNBC tried to start a revolution to oppose Bush, and rightly so, and they got roughly forty-percent of the U.S. armed to the teeth with tiny condiment packets of petulance.  Then they tried to stop the food fight amidst the coronation of King Obama. Try as the libertard media might, those tater tot-toting Teabaggers came all the same (God bless them).  In fact, they are marching on Washington right now.  They are not exactly sure why they are marching, but the next ‘Fox Transmission’ should further terrorize them enough to dodge the tartar sauce of tyranny and counter with the two-fisted fish sticks of freedom!

Spirographic Dianetics and the Evolution of Consciousness
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Some aren’t going to buy what I’m peddling today, but that’s OK.  It’s still America, no matter what the Discord’s CEO thinks (Commie bastard!).  First off, my writing is not designed to offend the many dickwads that don’t get it.  At least one individual is wondering about this color coding thingie (CCT) that I keep mentioning in my posts. You will be hearing more and more about Spiral Dynamics, Transpersonal Psychology, and the evolution of consciousness, because the truth has a tendency to stick around, like the Ghetto Shaman after last call.  Of course, on the downside of this subject matter, anything even hinting at a hierarchy of ideas is always met with condemnation, er…like the Ghetto Shaman after last call. 

Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration

Philadelphia, PA - The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, claims that the festivities scheduled for this big event have been cancelled in honor of a new Discord tradition, Great Recession Day.  Winslow would like to extend a big ‘thank you’ and an even bigger ‘Happy Anniversary’ to the Daily Discord, now heralded by at least one bald person in Vegas as “bordering on significant.” 

Now a word from the Big Guy himself: “We are laying off several Discord staffers, who either don’t earn their keep or just plain SUCK.  Your pink slips are in the mail, bitches.  In an effort to save on unemployment compensation, some of you are encouraged to report from deep within Taliban controlled territories, or from inside North Korea itself.  The Crank is no longer both Goomis and the Crank; having two names is a luxury we can no longer afford.  We are all going to have to make sacrifices.  The Ghetto Shaman agrees to continue to work for chicken wings, because “my message is too important for mankind, and I love the suicide sauce!”

Pokey should be released from jail soon, but his parole officer is not thrilled with his participation in our fine Ezine.  On a related note, screw you, officer Desoto!  Dave Atsals has finally agreed to stop sending material in exchange for beer.  That is all...oh, and remember, Big Winslow is watching.  Oh, and check out our anniversary page from week one!  I posted the first historic feature article, and it’s been all downhill every since.

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Universal What Care?  Once More unto the Crank, Dear Friends
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends.  The point of my last post, Mr. Crank (if that is your real name), involved the healthcare debate being hijacked by the propaganda arts, the Goebbels Peanut Gallery, if you will.  Those town hall paranoids were stoked by the “Fox Transmission”. Using fear in such a way has disturbing ramifications.  NPR just did a nice piece on this, but I never said there was nothing to fear (that was FDR).  Point being, this tactic is effective regardless of the issues being debated.  So for the healthcare debate, we double the number of those ‘real concerned Americans’ invading our town halls.  But sorry to break this to you, Cranko, our healthcare system is changing at light speed and not for the better. Your view of it is a rosy snapshot taken some years ago through a disposable camera now floating in someone’s unattended beer.  And I was clearly not championing Obamacare in my last post.  I stated that our current system ‘sucks ass’ and Obamacare is likely to ‘suck balls.’  What part of ‘sucks balls’ has you baffled? 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

The Bible tells us God was Isaiah, God was Jesus, God was King Solomon, God was Jonah and the whale. God is present in each and every corner of this vast Universe, but nowhere, sir, do I see God present in you! You are a fraud and a crank!

Michael Barren

Fergus Falls, MN



Dear Michael,

Actually the Crank is the guy with the old gorilla at the top of his column.  I’m the guy with the half-eaten chicken bones around my neck, an honest mistake.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  It would take huffing three kitchens worth of cleaning products before I could understand how God could be both Jonah and the whale.  I will consider that a challenge, sir.  And I will let you know.

Ask your question, bitch...
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The Patriotard Menace: A Crank Rebuttal
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Listen up patriorards…oh wait, so you all put on your thinking caps, this is a Fox News Alert!  There, now that I have your undivided attention: the Bush legacy is inextricably linked to the Sarah Palin Phenomenon (SPP).  The only reason I mentioned Bush was to segue to the stupidity yet to come.  A vote for Bush Part Deux and then supporting Sarah Palin is not a position, it’s a diagnosis.  Doing the same thing over-and-over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.  Dr. Killpatient, have the Thorazine ready.  I am appalled that the same people who voted for Bush twice are enthusiastically supporting his female counterpart to set things right in 2012.  I am even more appalled that we’re talking about nearly half the country.  I never said you were alone, Goomis, it’s just that you should be.  As the “mental health professional” in the room with over six years of bachelor level education, when really it was only 5 ½ years, exaggerator, going from Bush to Palin is like divorcing your first husband for beating you and then marrying that sweet hunky guy down the street, who immediately starts beating you!  As my domestic violence therapist oftensays, your picker is broken.  But that’s OK.  These things are fixable, but the first step in the healing process is recognizing the problem.  This isn’t just a post, peeps, it’s an intervention. 

Earth to All Patriotards
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Beware!  The patriotards are reconstituting themselves, like those tiny Terminator droplets that reform when you’re not looking.  Patriotards are folks still confused and/or ambivalent about the Bush Administration’s legacy.  And, to set things right, they believe all this country needs is President Sarah Palin. A recent Rasmussen poll, my main reason for this post, finds 42% of this country ready and willing to vote for Palin in 2012.  Forty-two percent…this country…Earth, you betcha ya.  And this number will only increase with another attack.  One peep from Al-Qaeda and the patriotard hordes will seep out of the woodwork like, well, those Terminatorites.  As Bill Maher put it, after the next attack we’ll tear up the other half of the Bill Of Rights and Toby Keith is president.  This Rovian wave of nationalistic neurosis is the heartland of Patriotard Country.  You still don’t understand the patriotard menace?  Let me splain.  No, that will take too long.  Let me sum up…

Why I am Staying in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat Bugs
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Don’t panic!  The noise you are hearing in the background is simply the sound of our social institutions collapsing outright.  Newsflash: America is going to change and change in a big way.  Our politics, our media, our language, our culture are all slipping into a deep dark crevasse (luckily, plenty are now forming on our glaciers to accommodate).  Our money is becoming meaningless, and we have discovered the root of all suffering, besides Oprah.  Another stimulus package?  Are you kidding me?  How many times are they going to hit the economy with those shock paddles before it’s time to shut off the defibrillator?  But, that’s the bad news. As promised, here is some good news...

A Letter to Sergio Marchionne: Thoughts of Chrysler’s Future from an American Guido Car Guy (AG/CG)
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Goomba:

I will start out with a hayadooin & congrats on getting an iconic American car company, complete with freshly minted bailout money, for six yenpesos and a pizza coupon. The last “wap” that “inherited” Chrysler was Lido Iacocca. He did more for Chrysler than any other man before or since. The One Billion dollar bailout he got was probably bigger in terms of what the dollar was worth at the time, but who’s counting?  Really, at this point who is counting? Iacocca paid it back early, driving a fleet of 5th Avenues (dissolving as they went) up to the White House to hand deliver the check. I remember it well. Nothing like seeing a line of newly made American autos, followed closely by a street sweeper sucking the dust and particles created by the near immediate breakdown of that great seventies sheet metal, covered with that wondrous new lead free paint. Mom had one. It would have lasted longer had it been painted with marinara sauce.

Discord Designates Cheney Enemy Combatant
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Washington, DC - Sometimes when you dismantle the rule of law and then give up the One Ring to another group, problems arise.  This is the case for former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Rooting for another attack against the homeland can easily find Cheney on the darkside of his own brand of politique. Our CIA director, Leon ‘Death Squad’ Panetta, feels that Dick Cheney wants to see another attack on the US, probably to assure that we stay sufficiently afraid, vigilant, and demented.

Torture:  It’s Not Just for Gitmo Anymore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

During my last discussion with the Crank over Memorial Day weekend, we did manage to reach the spirit of compromise in several key areas. We decided on Star Trek for the movie and Coke and Guinness for the BBQ afterwards, but beyond that…  We actually do agree on quite a few areas and can reach a compromise, of sorts, on other important topics (like appetizers and side salads).  The one thing we can’t seem to agree on, in fact, we both get rather heated when mentioned, is torture.  Torture is a completely indefensible position and the fact that we are having this debate for so long only shows how deeply the Bush/Cheney ideology has mired us in an amoral funk not unlike my sophomore year at college.  The Crank feels, much like Cheney, that we need to go to the dark side to beat these guys, not unlike my junior year in college.  On some level I understand the ‘24 scenario’.  A dirty bomb is being smuggled into Baltimore and the guy sitting in our holding cell knows when and where. Obviously, we need to get that info and, if real techniques prove fruitless, we would strain some of the Geneva Conventions, as well as a few muscles, to extract that information.  We just have to ask ourselves, what would a reasonable person do in that situation?  In this scenario prosecutions would be unlikely, but to base our laws on that extreme scenario is ridiculous.

The Transcosmetic Party: Evolve or Dissolve
By Pokey McDooris

We long for a mathematical certainty of political allegiance leading to higher levels of human life and culture. Right now in the political world, there is only one thing certain: our system is overrun with corruption, deception, insanity, stupidity, and, of course, shit goblins.  What is Enlightenment? Issue 38 states that we can indeed unite and evolve to a new stage of culture.  Thank goodness, because Issue 37 said we were all fucked.  There is still hope for a real authentic social movement that includes and transcends all of the problems of the postmodern pluralistic worldview and its shadow side, aka, countercultural relativistic fatalism (CRF). 

Separation of State and Church
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I am floored at how this country touts its "freedom of religion" and how it claims to separate church and state. The truth is, these days you really only have freedom of religion if you are a member of one of several main-stream Christian religions, or to a lesser extent Judaism. And then the only reason that you have such freedom of religion is because you already agree with the laws in play. If you are a devotee of, oh lets say Voodoo, you are screwed, Dude. This article is going to sound a lot like the Crank Manifesto, but this shit is really PISSING ME OFF!

So Long My Friend; Real Men Will Miss You
By The Crank

All good things must come to an end; they can’t last forever. These past eight years have gone by in a flash. It seems like only yesterday you were looking over George’s shoulder at his first inaugural, silently saying the oath of office to yourself as George said it aloud, mouthing those immortal words knowing full well you’d be the one doing the real “Presidentin”.

SpankenCranken
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Goomis, Goomis, Goomis. Not all of life’s lessons can be explained by Star Trek episodes.  Besides, it’s much more like the one when the shuttle crash-lands on that planet, only to be assailed by large rock-hurling giants. (Although, I’m not exactly sure why it’s like that.)

This is going to come as a shock to many of you, but I suffer from Bush Derangement Syndrome (BDS). Fear not, fair reader, for slowly my world will return to normal now that there is some semblance of leadership in the White House. And by normal, I mean, of course: no home, no job, no retirement, and no food. I’m going to miss the American way of life. Give me some time to mourn, for Pete’s sake! Haven’t you ever heard of the five stages of the grieving process? Perhaps this recent example will help:


  • Denial (He’s a Yale man and his dad was kind of sharp…)
  • Anger (Torture! The Constitution! The Bill of Rights! The Justice Department!)
  • Bargaining (If I vote straight Dems for the midterms, maybe impeachment…)
  • Depression (Well, Canada has hockey and beer…)
  • Acceptance (Hey, Canada has hockey and beer!)
THE CRANK MANIFESTO: On Al Cranken and Minnesota Politics
By The Crank
The Crank

DIE, DIE you Troglodytes, DIE.

There, I got that out of my system. Al Franken? AL FUCKING FRANKEN?

THE CRANK MANIFESTO: Get a Life Zano!
By The Crank
The Crank

I see now that even though “The One” has now been officially elected, there can be no real end to the Bush Administration. While the rest of creation is now looking forward to seeing if “ The One,” or as McCain called him—and I prefer—“ That One,” will have a positive impact on life as we know it, people like Mick are now left with an implausible situation.

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The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
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Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4:
Speed Powder
Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4: Speed Powder
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