Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
December 20, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Discord Interpretation of Recent News Headline Questioned
Discord Interpretation of Recent News Headline Questioned
 
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Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time For Our Editing, Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
Actually, he planned that. Our guy's that good.
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Disaster Strikes Last Day of Olympics
Disaster Strikes Last Day of Olympics

Sochi, RU—Tragedy struck between the 2nd and 3rd period of Sunday’s gold medal men’s hockey game between Sweden and Canada. A Zamboni was badly injured after attempting an ill-fated triple axel. Why the machine felt the need to grandstand like that remains unknown. Those who knew the Zamboni personally report how it normally just circled around dutifully refreshing the ice surface.

An anonymous Olympic judge who witnessed the incident said, "Maybe it thought this was its big chance. Though not the strongest skater, the machine was doing fine until it attempted the grand finale, though I’ll admit breaking an axel during a triple axel is an Olympic first."

Vladimir Putin added, "Russia regrets this incident. It is almost as bad as when the snow making machine buried our men’s hockey team coach alive yesterday. But rest assured we will be returning your NHL players, mostly."

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Putin Determined to Butch-Up Olympics
Putin Determined To Butch-Up Olympics

Moscow—Vladimir Putin is drawing a line in the sandy Vaseline today. Gay people are not welcome in the upcoming Winter Olympics in Russia. "Any rainbows better be in the sky," said Putin. "Sure my country is known as the great bear, but not that kind."

Putin announced the freestyle skiing event will be changed to the KGB-style and Putin wants more gun fights during the biathlon. He then sited several James Bond movies for inspiration. "Oh, and I want to make it very clear, the biatholon pertains to combining guns and skiing; let me repeat that: guns and skiing."

Many fear the male figure skaters will be under considerable scrutiny in 2014 as Putin added, "We are going to assume those guys have a little sugar in them."

Putin also feels curling is gay and warned anyone caught curling will be subject to possible arrest. "I’m not too worried about the ice hockey teams, hell, I might even start for team Russia," said Putin. "The male bobsleigh team, however, needs to remain at least three inches apart from one another at all times. If anyone looks aroused during their descent I will shoot them myself. Bunch of lugers. Hey, that’s pretty good."

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US Men’s League Opening Doors for Ousted European CHL Goalies
US Men’s League Opening Doors for Ousted European CHL Goalies

Hatfield, PA—Earlier this week the CHL, parent league to three Canadian Major Junior Hockey leagues, the WHL, OHL, and QMJHL, announced that starting with this year’s draft, European goalies will only be eligible in the first round. This restriction will radically decrease the number of European goalies in the league.

"For me, it’s all about opportunity," said Ron Tugnutt, the CHL’s former goalie consultant. "There’s nothing wrong with goalies in our country and there’s nothing wrong with how we’re developing them. They’re just getting, as Roman Maroni once said, ‘pucked up the ice hole.’"

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and winger for the Castoffs, a Hatfield 30+ Men’s C-League team, disagrees, "I think Canadian twelve-year-olds are bunch of whiny pussies. The reason they’re not getting ice time is because they suck."

Winslow has extended an invitation to any European goalie excluded from the draft due to this new ruling. "Hey, we don’t play this exclusionary shit," said Winslow. "Consider this an honorary puck to citizenship. Hell, even our ‘men’s league’ team has a chick on it, so I think we can easily wave that 30+ crap. I’ll even take a twelve year old girl; especially a twelve year old girl. The one on my team makes Zdeno Chara look like...well, a twelve year old girl."

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Beasts & Men with Tits: Unsung Heroes of the NFL
By The Crank
The Crank

Today I rant on a subject many know to be true, but few will utter. Most remain fearful of the associated politically correct backlash. Even The Daily Discord initially reviewed this submission and said, "Ahh, Cranko, I danno about dis one." Who am I kidding? These schmucks will post anything.

Oprah Admits to Using Ratings Enhancing Drugs
Oprah Admits to Using Ratings Enhancing Drugs, Armstrong never got a word in edgewise
Armstrong never got a word in edgewise
 
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New London Connecticut Mistakenly Prepares for Olympics
New London Connecticut Mistakenly Prepares for Olympics

New London, CT—Mayor Daryl Finizio admitted to a grievous error not seen since Sanjaya’s American Idol championship denial in 2007. I still believe Sanjaya! The town of New London Connecticut accidentally spent 37-million on preparations for the 2012 Summer Olympics. The mistake originated from a single piece of mis-delivered mail. The International Olympic Committee’s letter was sent to the Mayor of New London’s office, instead of its intended recipients in England.

The Post Master General, Biff Lavin, claims, "The letter weighed several ounces over the 42¢ postage limit and may have had the wrong zip code. Either of these factors might have contributed to the delivery error."

The ill-timed letter discussing the final preparation for the Olympics sent the Mayor of New London into a frenzy of unnecessary preparation. He is now trying to put the best possible spin on events. "The marathon course will make a great skateboard park, or a barcrawl route…or something. The massive mountain created for the mountain biking event could be converted into a smaller mountain…for the purpose of… Look, this state is flatter than Mitt Romney’s emotional range. We need the elevation. If Connecticut smoked all the pot in Mexico, it still wouldn’t get any higher. It makes Kansas look like the friggin’ Swiss Alps," said Finizio.

The mayor is not commenting on why his city built a 7-million dollar luge track for what is obviously the Summer Olympics, or why he chose the same designer from the deadly debacle in Vancouver in 2010.

"Mistakes were made," said Finizio. "It’s like the deficit, why are we still counting? You try preparing for the Olympics in two weeks on my MF-ing budget, bitches!"

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Lindsay Lohan Feels Dump Trucks Should be More Clearly Marked
Lindsay Lohan Feels Dump Trucks Should be More Clearly Marked

Santa Monica, CA—After being rushed to UCLA Hospital after slamming her sports car into an unmarked dump truck, actress and problem child, Lindsay Lohan, told reporters, "Dump trucks should be forced to wear lighter clothing or should be covered in more blinking lights so people don’t crash into them after drinking."

Lohan’s crusade against all things cloaked is not stopping there. The 26-year-old feels a similar initiative should apply "to all telephone poles, buildings, and pedestrians known to walk along roads."

Miss Lohan’s suggestions are not, as yet, gaining much momentum. Her initiative earlier in the year to "Make the Pacific Coastal Highway Less Windy" has also gained little support from California residents.

"Look," said Lohan, "I’m not saying it has to be straight as an arrow, but you try driving that bitch at over 100 mph with the spin monsters, bitches."

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Garbage Basketball a Lost Art for One Man
Garbage Basketball a Lost Art for One Man

Arlington, VA—The new garbage container designs have all but ended many years of wastepaper basketball. Will this sport follow the fate of kick the can, or spin the can, or ring around the spinning can? At its peak, the popular sport was played in one form or another by an estimated 75-million people across the U.S. By 2010, to the chagrin of an elite group of home hoopsters, all kitchen garbage cans came with lids.

Wastebasket ball great, Barry Mellman, said, "I would shoot waste baskets to make the cleaning more fun. With the new pale I tried putting a large rock on the lever to keep it open, but my wife broke her toe on the fucking thing. Besides, you never get a true bank shot off those circular contraptions."

"I cried the day the lidless ones died," said Hall of Fumer, Ron Fratelli. "I even own an official garbage basketball hoop. So last week I make this great shot with an overripe tomato. It, of course, ends up through the hoop but on the lid—with mucho tomato shrapnel on the wall. My wife asked if it was a mob hit. Women just don’t appreciate the wasteular arts."

Garbage container manufacturers claim the newer models are more hygienic and significantly cut down on odor.

Oscar the Grouch added, "You mean they keep odors in, right?"

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America’s Newest Trend: Anti-life Coaching
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Life Coaching has remained a fast-growing offshoot of the counseling field for years now. One clear advantage, you don’t need all of those pesky "credentials." Life Coaches help people reach for their true goals while taking their money so they have less capital to do so. Life Coaching affirmations include, ‘Reach for your full potential’ and ‘I’m so special, I deserve to do whatever I want and to hell with the rest of you.’

Uh Oh, Tebow's Getting Weird
Uh Oh, Tebow's Getting Weird, Well, weird—er
Well, weird—er
 
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Top 10: The Best Guinness in Las Vegas Revealed!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post is over two years in the making, but only because I just learned how to use Word. It took longer for Bald Tony and I to complete this arduous Irish/Vegas pubcrawl than it took Frodo and Sam to journey to Mordor. Granted, we would have remained at the Green Dragon until the orcs razed the place, but, who knows, maybe Sauron would have kept us on as Middle-Earth beer tasters? Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Yes Mr. Winslow, I just compared you to a dark sorcerer, but in a good way…really. Oh, on that note, I’ve just released a Nazgul toward Barad dur with our receipts.

Searching for New Investors: The Blues Mobiles are Dead
By The Crank
The Crank

Have I got the investment for you! Over the years, as we grow older, our needs change. We start life in diapers, go on to tighty whities, and on to boxers, then, well, back to diapers. We start out sleeping all day, then at night, then not even then, then at night again, then all day, just intermittently. Our lives come full circle, but there is one area that has disappeared from the scene. Old people cars…complete with deploying Depends feature.

NHL Charges Goaltender for 3rd Intermission Zamboni Fuel
NHL Charges Goaltender for 3rd Intermission Zamboni Fuel

Vancouver, BC—Eleven seconds into overtime, the Boston Bruins goaltender, Tim Thomas, dove away from his crease, allowing the Canuck’s to score into an empty net and win game two of the Stanley Cup finals.  As a result, the NHL and the Rogers Arena in Vancouver is charging the goaltender for all of the costs accrued to keep the building heated, lit, and the ice cleaned between the third period and the aforementioned eleven second overtime period.

"I had to fight throngs of Canadian types to get a hot dog, and then I didn’t even get back to my seat in time," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.  "We were looking for some overtime energy, some great plays, incredible feats, and what did we get?  Bupkis, that’s what."

"I got that ice all friggin’ shiny for what, eh?!" complained a Zamboni driver at Vancouver’s Rogers Arena.   "That’s fifteen minutes of circling at low speeds that I’ll never get back, eh."

The ‘eh’ is Canadian for ‘you know.’

According to the script, presented to the teams weeks ahead of time, one of those Sedin twins was supposed to score on a breakaway in double overtime.  This dramatic conclusion was completely derailed by the goaltender’s near immediate flub. 

"It was the finals," said Bettman, "And it was a Saturday night game.  A lot of thought went into the choreography for this event, so I don’t have any sympathy for that bozo.  He can pay the damned bill, and for my hot dog!"

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Flames/Oilers Hockey Check Causes Deadly Explosion
Flames/Oilers Hockey Check Causes Deadly Explosion

Edmonton, Alberta—"The Great One" has a new meaning today for hockey fans, as many are calling this Canadian tragedy the "fart heard ‘round the world".   Survivors claim there was a grunt, a ptththt, and a massive explosion after Adam Pardy of the Calgary Flames slammed into Zack Stortini of the Edmonton Oilers during the second period of last night's game. The explosion left 57 dead and hundreds more unable to make it to the concession stand for the remainder of the game.

Canadian newspapers have not commented on the civilian deaths but are worried about the three Oilers and four Flames who may not return for the final two games of the season.

"It’s a travesty," said NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman.  "Calgary had a shot at the playoffs."

The dead players are not expected to return, but the ones who only lost limbs are expected to play if their respective team makes the playoffs.

"Hockey checks, flames, oil, and farts are a volatile mixture. It’s worse than Bone, Zano, and the Shaman at an open bar," commented Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop.  "This incident was just a matter of time.  It’s like playing with fire…and oil…and farts."  

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Super Game XXVIIV
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Las Vegas, NV–What’s better on Valentine’s Day than some old football coverage?! Somehow I am back in Vegas for the third time already in 2011, which is three more reasons Bald Tony is considering relocating. I am back at the Riviera covering this Super Game, knowing little about football and even less about roman numerals.

Vince Shlomi of ShamWow Fame’s Infomercial Mix Up
Vince Shlomi of ShamWow Fame’s Infomercial Mix Up. Dan Rooney, owner of the Steelers, said "We're embarassed, even more so than by Reed, Holmes, and Rothlisburger."
Dan Rooney, owner of the Steelers, said "We're embarassed, even more so than by Reed, Holmes, and Rothlisburger."
 
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Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
By Mick Zano
Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Deciding against heading to D.C. for my own rally, which is every blogger’s prerogative, I instead attended the Rally to Restore Sanity in my area.  This was a difficult decision for me but, since Winslow wouldn’t let me into the rent-a-car, I opted to stay around town and…damn you Ghetto Shaman!

Sex Addiction Classes Fail
Sex Addiction Classes Fail, Woods' Next Trophy Wife?
Woods' Next Trophy Wife?
 
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Putin Blames Russia’s Poor Olympic Performance on Global Warming
Putin Blames Russia’s Poor Olympic Performance on Global Warming
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Moscow, RU—Instead of discussing the recent terrorist attack in his country, Vladimir Putin remained fixated throughout his speech today on Russia’s poor Olympic performance. Putin blamed his country’s gross underachieving on global warming.

"Climate change is real, and it’s real bad for the Winter Olympics," said Putin.

The Russian President went on to explain how the warmer weather riddled Team Russia with obstacles.

"Except those event-specific obstacles one would expect," clarified Putin. "Coaches reported how each time the figure skaters or hockey players practiced, the slush on the ice was almost ankle high. And don’t even get me started on curling," added Putin.

While trying to maintain the ice, Zamboni drivers drowned almost daily.

"How many more Zamboni drivers must die before the world wakes up to the dangers we all face?!" yelled a weepy Putin. (Incidentally, if you Google ‘yelled a weepy putin’ you get a tree indigenous to Narnia.)

Russia’s utter embarrassment has drastically shifted the country’s perception of climate change. To drill that point home, Putin ended his speech with a plea to Al Gore, "If Mr. Gore would come out of hiding, Russia would like to commission him to direct our own climate change awareness film, It Could Happen To Moscow."

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X-Men Mutants Banned from Winter Olympics
X-Men Mutants Banned from Winter Olympics
 
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With the Shaman, The Ghetto Shaman...
The Ghetto Shaman the latest to be seen with Tiger Woods
...The Tiger sleeps at night
Awembawa awembawa...
 
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All Hail Tiger Woods
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Tiger (the name says it all) Woods has been beat up, beat off, ridiculed, and fairly accused of doing what most men can only dream of.  To that end I say, All Hail the Tiger!  I know many are saying that these are despicable acts he committed that have caused much damage, but, in reality, everyone will be just fine (trust fund me on this). 

If a Woods Drives into a Tree with Nobody Around to Recount It, Does It Make a Sound?
If a Woods Drives into a Tree with Nobody Around to Recount It, Does It Make a Sound?

Isleworth, Fl—Apparently, it does. First it makes a sound like a golf club repeatedly hitting a windshield, then it makes a sound like crackling fiberglass and splintering wood.   This account comes from a family of squirrels, who, now homeless, are filing a civil suite against the Woods-es-es. 

The Daily Discord is the first major sponsor to be dropping Mr. Woods as a direct result of the incident.

"I can no longer support him," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow.  "A Cadillac, Tiger?  Ram your Toyota Corolla into every damn tree in Florida, but I will not endorse a golf guy who can not drive a Caddy (pardon the golf pun). Besides, who drives around at 2:30AM sober?  There should be a law against that."

Mr. Winslow also went on to tell the press his intentions to marry Mrs. Woods.

"But when you email me, Elin, please say you’re technical support, or something.  Talk in an Indian accent…Not Hopi, you stupid git, India Indians.  Think of Apu from the Simpsons. Wait, my wife’s coming.  Act casual, say nothing."

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Wayne Gretzky Goes from the Great One to the Late One: Calls it Quits without Actually Calling

Phoenix, AZ - Wayne Gretzky “forgot” to tell everyone he didn’t want to play coach anymore and left the Phoenix Coyotes in the lurch, right before the launch of the 2009-2010 season. He was apparently doing some soul-searching involving prostitutes. He later told reporters his alarm clock didn’t go off, the bus was late, and his dog may have eaten part or all of his roster. All I can say is, with or without Wayne Gretzky, the Glendale Arena has Guinness on tap and affordable seats. Outside of the arena is West Gate with bars and restaurants of all shapes and sizes. The Yard House has over a hundred beers on tap! It’s a great sporting event. In fact, I have yet to actually make it inside for a game. Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player of all time, but not the best business manager. He even let me drive the Zamboni before and after games, which shows a stunning lack of common sense.

Gretzky told reporters “The Puck Stops Here.”

He then said several other bad hockey metaphors before we both drove the Zamboni. That’s not a metaphor; two guys can drive a Zamboni. It’s good clean fun.

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Trump U.N. Hotel & Casino
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Located on an 18 acre east Manhattan site, the new Trump Hotel & Casino is set to open soon, or, as "The Donald" said "As soon as we can get the beds in the old offices, and the slot machines & crap tables in the auditorium".

Using a new "United World" theme, the Casino will feature marble steps, gold colored waterfalls, and the same carpet, which is a gigantic map of the world, now has large 3’ tall gold "pushpins" wherever Trump owns property. The flags of nations lining the main entrance were replaced with the Trump coat-of-arms. The entrance to its new eatery, the World Peace Restaurant, now sports a sixty foot L.E.D TV screen with rotating pictures of hungry shoeless children and Trump Hotels to the backdrop of the dulcet tones of Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World".

As for parking concerns around the new hotel & casino, NYCs Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said, "Now, we can actually ticket people who park in no parking zones!"

Kelly is referring to the long standing problem of "Diplomatic Immunity" and parking scofflaws in NYC.

"If you lost 16 floors of Trump U.N.," said John Bolton, "now that would suck!"

For reservations, call 1-800-The-Donald.

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Easter Special Edition:
Jesus Lives!

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the "gimme gimme's", the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He's trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”

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Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles
By Pokey McDooris

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

Yankees Acquire O’Liberte’
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The New York Yankees continued purchasing the world today by picking up a right-handed flame throwing reliever, Statue O’Liberte’.  Despite hailing from nearby New Jersey, the statue was signed to a fifteen year contract.

Yankee’s manager Joe Girardi stated, “I am not sure how many times O’Liberte’ will see the mound but, at 305 feet tall, she’ll sure be an imposing figure around the bullpen.”

The organization feels that the over 200-year old reliever still has a few good years left in her

“The righty is only a few years older than Roger Clemens,” added Hal Steinbrenner, “and look how well he worked out.”

The Yankees still face several daunting hurdles, however.  A French glove maker was immediately commissioned to start working on the mitt for the new reliever.  Construction is estimated to take a few years longer than the, yet to be started, downtown Freedom Tower.  Also, the toll set by the Mafia-run Port Authority to transport the statue to-and-from each ball game may top Obama’s upcoming stimulus package.

“At least we’ll save time on chiseling the law book out of her hand,” continued Steinbrenner. “The Bush Administration already loosened it sufficiently.”

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A Brief History of Anything
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

How do I condense forty years of life-knowledge into a single Discord column?   OK, more accurately, how do I fill the whole column?  After four decades, I find myself knowing suspiciously little—masters level little—on-line masters level little (or OLMLL to those who can still tolerate our lousy acronym jokes).  Whereas I have predicted many recent political events—or more accurately, their horrific ramifications—I hardly think it took much insight.  I’ve never felt smarter than any U.S. president, until now.  But thanks anyway, W, for playing your own small part in the boosting of my self esteem.  Granted, it’s at the cost of the American way of life, but che sara.  In fact, Che Guevara for all I care.

Today’s Worst Liberal in the World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Next up on our integral media roundup is none other than MSNBC’s falling star, Keith Olbermann. Two years ago, he would have fared much better.  To his credit, he exposed the Bush administration’s incompetence in painstakingly accurate detail.  Others in the media treaded lightly while W was treading on We the People.  Olbermann was one of the few who took notice and subsequently barked the loudest.  Some of his “special comments” were awe-inspiring.  He had true Edward R. Murrow moments (ERMM), and even his borrowed sign-off did not tarnish the core truth of his attacks.  He expressed what I felt, while the rest of the media was still tentative, cowardly, wrong, or licking Rupert Murdoch’s cock.

CRANK MANIFESTO On Driving and Cars
By The Crank
The Crank

Driving. Yes, driving. To all you multi-tasking mongrels—there are no cup holders, cell phone holders, or ashtrays in German cars for a reason. Driving is a full time job! You fudge packers can’t walk and jerk off at the same time, and you expect us to believe you can talk on the phone, text, smoke, drink, and check your atrocious Alice Cooper makeup in the mirror at the same time? Douche bags! Try driving! You get to go places and arrive intact!

Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!
Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!

In front of a pack of outraged L.A. Kings fans NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman, refused to hand the Stanley Cup over to the King’s Captain Justin Brown. This marks the first time in the NHL’s long history that the time honored tradition was broken...and even dented a bit.

Bettman claimed that occasionally something he called The Commissioner’s Clause can be evoked, wherein the Commissioner gets to keep the cup all year. He told King’s fans, "This year this bitch stays with me, people. I am Bettman! I am Bettman. Get it? Besides, Los Angeles is no place for hockey’s most holy prize. You’re lucky we even allowed a team into this league from such a shit hole."

Bettman then attempted to hoist the cup over his head, but immediately yelled, clutched his lower back, and collapsed to the ice. Dustin Brown then skated over to the red carpet and yanked the thing from his old Jew hands. As he turned to skate away, however, Bettman looped his neck tie around one of Dustin’s skates, causing him to topple to the ice. The fans screamed their objections as Lord Stanley’s Cup skidded into a corner. The rest of the Kings cleared the bench and joined the fray. Then, as one fan put it, "Shit got real."

Okay, our coverage of the last time the Kings’ won the cup is much better, here.

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Investigation Uncovers Problem With Sochi Opening Ceremony
Investigation Uncovers Problem with Sochi Opening Ceremony
 
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Discord Super Game Coverage
Discord Super Game Coverage: Seattle Has a Football Team?
Seattle Has a Football Team?
 
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NHL to Skip to Playoffs for 2013-2014 Season
NHL To Skip To Playoffs For 2013-2014 Season

Toronto—The National Hockey League has announced their decision to do away with their standard 82 game regular season in favor of "jumping right to the good part," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

When asked what prompted the NHL’s decision to make such a drastic schedule change, Bettman replied, "The players are still being Crosbys and I’m not dealing with their shit anymore. Besides, this is going to give me nearly a 10-month vacation each year. Wouldn’t you do that if you could? Yeah, you would."

When questioned how teams will make the playoffs, Bettman said, "The playoff schedule will be determined based on stats from last year during a fantasy-hockey-style selection process run by the league. This has already occurred and we will be releasing the results to the public as early as next week. Hell, we can pass out Lord Stanley by Christmas so I can be back in Barbados by New Year’s."

Reports suggest the teams who made the playoffs are excited for the October start and those who were eliminated are suing the National Hockey League for lost revenue.

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Brah!!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

As I walked into the place, I felt like Frodo Baggins far from the Shire. It was a large hall full of people and every man there (as well as some of the women) towered over me. My height is on the short side of average (5'7 when I'm not slouching), but this was ridiculous. I estimated 15% of them to be past 6'2 as well. What the heck? I then realized where I was and relaxed. Of course. These were kind giants, stoned and peaceful. I was at a Karl Denson concert in the Orpheum Theatre, a natural gathering place for the 21st century hippiejock. I was among friends.

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

The Annual Pine Forest Pick-Up Games Commence
The Annual Pine Forest Pick-Up Games Commence, Shirts and skins decided, awaiting the coin toss
Shirts and skins decided, awaiting the coin toss
 
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Kings Draft New Assistant Coach
Kings Draft New Assistant Coach, To keep our 'Beeker Week' rolling along
To keep our 'Beeker Week' rolling along
 
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Knowing No Hockey Customs, L.A. Kings Just Stare at Stanley Cup Until Fans Leave
Knowing No Hockey Customs, L.A. Kings Just Stare at Stanley Cup Until Fans Leave, Chant of "Lift it Assholes!" fell on deaf ears
Chant of "Lift it Assholes!" fell on deaf ears
 
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Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
By Mick Zano
Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
Mick Zano

Wow, nearly three of your fans got to watch you beat the Chicago Blackhawks this year—your first ever playoff series win since moving from Winni-friggin-peg. Wanna know why? The following is the comedy, the tragedy, and the horror that befell one Coyote fan, namely me, during the 2012 playoffs. Damn Mayans. The Hockey Gods frown on you Arizona! They will now probably relocate to Seattle or Hackensack...and who needs a team out in Hackensack? This post has been sent to NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman and to Captain Coyote, Shane Doan. They will respect my authoritay!

Obama to Increase Deficit in New 'Fun Size' Increments
Obama to Increase Deficit in New 'Fun Size' Increments

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

"We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt," said Obama. "And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment."

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, "We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars."

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, "Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion."

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. "I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad," said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

"...the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle," as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…"

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, "We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!"

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Planting the Seeds of Discord and Unintended Consequences
By The Crank
The Crank

Einstein once said for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction*. One smart, hairy Jew, that E fella. Sometimes, a reaction occurs that wasn’t foreseen by the ‘actor’. That is what is known as an ‘unintended consequence.’ The Daily Discord has become the unintended consequences capital of the internet lately and on the national stage…well, that’s even worse.


*Winslow’s note: I know, this is actually Newton’s Third Law of Motion from some 192 years before Einstein was born, but he's on a roll...


Winnipeg Wilderness Wipes out Warm Weather Wussies
Winnipeg Wilderness Wipes out Warm Weather Wussies

Winnipeg, MB—The start of training camp for the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets met with tragedy last weekend.  The team had just moved to the great white north from Atlanta, GA for the beginning of the 2011-2012 season. Only minutes after the start of their first formal practice, the entire team froze to death right in the arena. Apparently the players could not adjust to the sudden change from Warm Oceanic (Cfa) to a more Temperate Continental (Dfa) climate.

"We should have known better," stated Jim Ludlow, CEO of True North Sports and Entertainment, owner of the Winnipeg Jets. "When the last team moved from Winnipeg to Phoenix, the team never made it off the tarmac.  The entire team spontaneously combusted right there at Sky Harbor Airport. The folks down in Phoenix had to have a barbeque fundraiser to put together a new team.  Luckily, they had plenty of cooked meat on-hand.  The Koho Coyote skewer was a real crowd pleaser."

Prior to the move to Winnipeg there was talk of originally moving the team to Kansas City. In hindsight that would probably have been a more prudent move.

When asked what the path forward was for the Winnipeg Jets, Mr. Ludlow replied, "I guess we’ll have an ice-cream social."

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Jimmy Makes a Fatal Mistake
Jimmy Makes a Fatal Mistake, "You wanna play rock, paper, pincers?"
"You wanna play rock, paper, pincers?"
 
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The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
By The Crank
The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
The Crank

One day in the late sixties, Carroll Shelby tried talking Bill Cosby into buying one of his Cobra Super Snake sports cars. For those who remember Cosby’s recording of "200 Miles an Hour," he wanted a car that does 200 mph to get to work. But, after just one ride, he handed back the keys—suggesting this would be better in the hands of a George Wallace, or a Buzz Aldrin, or a Starbuck of Galactica fame. The car was resold to a gentleman who promptly killed himself shortly thereafter. It was not a car to be taken lightly. The new CTS-V wagon is also not to be taken lightly.

N.F.L./R.I.P.
By The Crank
The Crank

So here we go. The newest video game is titled "Rich Assholes Battle Rich Assholes II." Only it ain’t a game and WE, the sports minded public, are the ultimate losers. The economy is so far down ‘le crappeurre that even the Roto-Rooter guy has given up. We have a Pres that picks his experts like Bristol Palin picks boyfriends. We are now in THREE fucking wars, doing well enough in each to make Nam look like a swell idea. We are all doing more with less, which is why I now have a word count limit—or at least that’s what Winslow is telling me.

Crank on the Super Bowl
By The Crank
The Crank

The guys in the white hats finally won out over the guys with the black hats. Good has triumphed over evil, yet again. No, I ain’t talking about the final score, per se. I am talking about three particular players that had a lot to do with the score. And, believe it or not, one of these players wasn’t even in the game.  

Discord’s Pierce Winslow Bids to Buy Phoenix Coyotes

Philadephia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is throwing his weight around again by trying to push out prospective owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, Matthew Hulsizer, by planning to purchase the NHL team out from under him.

When asked how he plans to finance the team, Winslow replied, "I’m using bailout funds…oh, um, I mean, I’m putting it on my credit card."

When asked why the Coyotes, he said, "You can get Guinness on tap at Jobing.com. That’s about it. Who cares if there’s a hockey team there? Have you ever been to West Gate? Right outside of Glendale Arena there’s over 100 different beers on tap at the Yard House. The place is awesome!"

Winslow has only a few rules for his new team, the most controversial remains: the team is not permitted to take any points from the Detroit Red Wings, home or away. Also, Winslow will be playing right wing when he’s in town.

"I used to play ice hockey on the Phantoms here in Philadelphia. I was pretty good. Oh, and I played intramurals in college with Zano and Atsals. We made it to the finals one year—F-ing Lambda Chi’s."

NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman, denies any deal in the works with the eccentric e-zine owner.

"I don’t know any Pierce Winslow," said Bettman. "If he is interested in the Coyotes he needs to go through the normal vetting process."

Winslow told Bettman "Stop living in denial. As soon as I outbid Lemieux and Burkle on you, I’ll be a shoe-in. You’ll be my little bitch just like everyone else around here. Zano, make me a sandwich and FedEx it to me 2nd day."

He also warned Coyote coach, Dave Tippett, "The Coyotes are going to need to feed me the puck a lot or I’m benching someone’s ass. And where’s my &*^%ing sandwich!?!?!?"

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Kobe Bryant to Announce Location of Next Planned Sexual Assault in One-Hour Special Announcement
Kobe Bryant to Announce Location of Next Planned Sexual Assault in One-Hour Special Announcement

Los Angeles, CA—Not to be outdone, LA Laker MVP, Kobe Bryant, has decided to take a page from the LeBron James playbook.  In reaction to LeBron’s highly rated telecast "The Decision," Bryant will be announcing the city where he plans his next unwanted, lewd sex acts during a special one-hour announcement, entitled "The Indiscretion."  Bryant is planning on doing something inappropriate to someone, but he’s not saying where—at least, not until his show airs on ESPN at 8PM next Thursday.  In a whimsical fashion, Bryant explained to the press his intentions to "take his talents to some bitch."  An obvious reference to LeBron’s comment last week, "I’m taking my talents to South Beach."      

When Bryant was asked why the copycat ploy, Bryant called it "a tit for a tat."  He hopes to roll into town next week and steal some of the thunder from LeBron’s publicity stunt, as well as some unwilling snatch.

"It’s win-win," said Bryant.

Many of America’s mayors are offering the key to their cities to Bryant, along with their daughters, wives, and significant others.  Mayor Bloomberg of New York is allegedly sweetening the pot for Bryant if he chooses the Big Apple.

"This will be just like the movie Indecent Proposal," said Bloomberg.  "Only minus the proposal part."

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Being the Worst NHL Fans Year after Year
Being the Worst NHL Fans Year after Year Is So Easy a Flyer Fan Can Do It
Is So Easy a Flyers Fan Can Do It
 
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U.S. National Park Service: Canada Sold to Exxon Mobile
Jonathan Jarvis, Director of the National Park Service

Washington D.C.—The U.S. National Park Service announced today that Canada has been sold to the Exxon Mobil Corporation so they can to do "whatever they see fit."

In a press release today, Jonathan Jarvis, Director of the NPS, stated "As we all know, Canada is simply the largest suburb of the United States, and they have been nothing but a pain in the ass, what with their play money, insistence that they are a real country, and over use of the adverb 'eh'. This is an opportunity for the U.S. to alleviate a portion of the Federal deficit, close the foreign oil gap, and shut those fuckin' canucks up for good."

Jarvis later asked to have the word "fuckin’" removed from his statement and placed in a to-go pouch.

Rex Tillerson, the CEO of Exxon Mobile added, "As Canada’s new landlords, we really don’t want to appear insensitive, so our theme Drill, Baby, Drill has been Canadianized to Drill, Eh, Drill to reflect our northern neighbor’s rich culture.  And, of course, they can keep their hockey. But the shale drilling will be impacting the ground water almost immediately, so, in a preemptive move, all hockey will be played on black ice with a white puck.  Frankly, we think it’ll be cooler anyway."

When asked if there was any connection between this hasty business venture and the recent loss of the Olympic Gold Medal in Hockey, Tillerson replied, "None that I am aware of, but if they would see fit to extradite that war criminal, Sid the Kid, then...I mean, uh, no."

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They’re Calling it Arson…
strange Vancouver structure ablaze
A Canadian man is being sought after setting this strange Vancouver structure ablaze on Friday
 
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Super Bowl Ads Unaffordable: CBS to Replay Footage of Janet Jackson’s Breast
Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction to be re-aired

The big game has the most expensive time slots on television.  This year, since even Budweiser has taken a pass on super bowl commercials, CBS is scrambling to fill their spots with ‘vintage NFL commercials and halftime moments,’ including Janet Jackson’s infamous c-cup debacle.

"The shock value will be gone this year, of course," said CBS president Sean McManus, "but viewers will be more prepared to enjoy the boobage, set their DVRs or, in some cases, cover the eyes of their young ones."

McManus reports having missed the first airing of Jackson’s breast because, "I was in the can."

When asked why CBS doesn’t simply lower the cost of these spots to match these difficult times, McManus only laughed.  CBS and the National Football League understand the lack of new beer commercials will create a void in the lives of football fans everywhere.  So CBS and the NFL are suggesting that during breaks this year people consider intercourse.  CBS would also like to add the word consensual. And, of course, they suggest an alternative if you’re at a sports bar or in some other public place.

"Oh, and if you’re single," added McManus, "Go fuck yourself."

McManus later added the qualifier, "but in a good way" to his earlier statement.

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PETA Condemns Discord’s Latest Grudge Match
PETA Condemns Discord’s Latest Grudge Match...Chucky Cheese vs. The Coyote’s Mascot
Chucky Cheese vs. The Coyote’s Mascot
 
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Cultural Facilitation for Dummies
By Pokey McDooris

Walking out the front door without a plan is my usual M.O. With no destination, I step into Limbo, walking on a whim. This method has lead to spontaneous creativity, synchronistic encounters, adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, jail time, and a liver the size of a Buick.

Eagles Sign Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme to 5-year Deal

Philadelphia, PA - Earlier today the Philadelphia Eagles signed Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, of Charles Manson fame, to a 5-yr. deal as their new public relations spokeswoman.

“Squeaky has signed on for $1.2M the first year,” said Head Coach Andy Reid. “Celebrities don’t come cheap.  I’m confident she’s served her time and won’t be aiming any unloaded guns at Presidents anymore.”

Reid reports being pleased with the signing of Michael Vick, particularly amidst the dog days of summer.  The logic behind hiring Squeaky, on the other hand, seemed less obvious to this reporter.

When asked, Reid said, “Bottom line, she’s close to my age, kind of cute, and I have always wanted to find out why they call her Squeaky.”

Reid indicated that Vick and Fromme are the first two in an anticipated long line of ex-con-tracts.

“Do you remember in the movie Slap Shot when that team stacked the deck with all kinds of vile sorts to combat the Hanson Brothers?  Well, that movie was on last week.  I’m not saying it influenced our decision, but I’m not saying it didn’t either.  Hell, I’d recruit Manson himself, if he ever gets out.  Marilyn, of course, Charlie scares the shit out of me.”

Reid indicated the Eagles organization is scouting all the major penitentiaries in the U.S. for fresh talent.

“Heck, if they released everyone in Gitmo tomorrow, we might need a whole new league, like in that movie. League of their own? Slap Shot.? Ain’t you been listening?”

When asked if he had any regrets about not starting this ex-con initiative sooner, Reid said, “I only wish we’d snagged that Birdman of Alcatraz fellow.  Did he have Eagles?  Oh and Obama, could you please pardon Scooter Libby? Scooter and Squeaky has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

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Hey, Joe, Where You Going With My Gun in Your Hand?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Team Obama claims to be 2nd Amendment rights advocates, but their voting record suggests otherwise. Time and time again, Obama has voted in favor gun control bills.   He even voted for a bill that would close several gun manufacturers such as Les Baer, Springfield Armory, and Armalite (among others).  Is Armalite designed for the gun-toter’s wives?  You know, with only half the calories as the leading handgun?  Our Vice President is perhaps even less friendly to the gun-toting NRA types and may well have had one of his minions pry Heston’s rifle from his cold, dead hands.  Perhaps more disturbing, the National Rifle Association has recently scored Joe the Veeper an F on his gun rights record.

Marijuana Linked to Losing Sponsors
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A study conducted by Northern Arizona University showed a significant correlation between recreational pot use and the losing of massive financial sponsorships. The study looked at seven people at random who had already lost major amounts of money due to revealing pot party photos. Michael Phelps is only the latest victim in a long chain of similar situations, often involving bowls and blunts and bongs, oh my. Professor Schmidt “Smitty” Stoltz, nearing both tenure and senility, suggests that famous sports figures should go back in time and stop their friends from taking pictures of them while in the process of smoking pot.

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The Articles Of Degeneration
By Pokey McDooris

The letter of the law shall never be permitted to strangle the Spirit of the Law (unless, of course, the spirit and the law agree upon a safe word first).

$28.00
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Can you pay $28.00 dollars for a knee brace sold on-line for $545.00 and feel ripped off?  I do, thanks to my last escapade with my son’s Orthopedic Doctors Office, and my insurance company.  Bring on government run health care, it can’t be any worse than this, I hope.

Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles
By Pokey McDooris

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

Top Ten Failed Football Mascots
  1. The Boston Stranglers
  2. The Detroit Gusty Autumn Breezes
  3. The Seattle Strap-Ons
See All 10...
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Discord Videos
S.T.Q. EP 2: the Ghosts of Oatman
S.T.Q. EP 2: The Ghosts of Oatman
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The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
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 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
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