Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
October 20, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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Beano
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Pope Appoints New Arches Bishop
Pope Appoints New Arches Bishop, Bishop in the Box Mascot is “really pissed”
Bishop in the Box Mascot is “really pissed”
 
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A Theory Emerges From Ancient Astronaut Ornithologists
A Theory Emerges from Ancient Astronaut Ornithologists
We didn't say it was a good theory.
 
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Homer Simpson: the Most Interesting Meme in the World
Homer Simpson: The Most Interesting Meme in the World
 
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Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia?
Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia? Mafia responds by cutting off all locatelli cheese supplies to Vatican City
Mafia responds by cutting off all locatelli cheese supplies to Vatican City
 
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Atheism Is Dead: Don’t Believe the Unbelievers
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Pinning down your logical fallacies, Zano, is like playing Whack-a-Mole with a Q-tip, on acid, while surfin’ the web on an outdated Blackberry, while trying to sign up for Obamacare—early on in the enrollment period—and throw in some more acid...but worse.

Pope
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Last month, Pope Francis shocked the world of Christianity by stating the concept of hell was merely a metaphor for being separated from God's love and was not an actual place where sinners burned in eternal damnation, hosted by the little red guy with the horns and the pitchfork. Yesterday, the Pope had this to say:

In Rare Show of Force Zeus Blasts Jesus
In Rare Show of Force Zeus Blasts Jesus

Rio de Janeiro, BZ—As Thor raised his giant war hammer, Zeus said, "Hold on, my Norse brother, I have a better idea." A few seconds later the air over Rio de Janeiro was ionized with dancing streams of electricity. The discharge blew Christ’s fingertips off and reduced them to a spray of soapstone shards that rained down onto the city below like brimstone.

Jesus minced no parables, "I’m shocked. For the first time ever I used my own name in vain. I had lighting rods installed to prevent this sort of thing. And, let me tell you, that procedure made me long for a good crucifixion."

When asked if Jesus holds any grudges, Jesus said, "Christ the Redeemer or not, Mount Olympus is going down. My father usually works with volcanos or floods, which won’t work on a sky city, but...hey...you know what would be great? I’m just thinking out loud here, have Olympus fall right onto Putin’s Olympics. Kill em’ all and let dad sort em’ out. Let the games begin!"

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Three Wise Men, Two Shepherds, One Camel Arrested for Crimes Against Secularism
Three Wise Men, Two Shepherds, One Camel Arrested For Crimes Against Secularism

San Francisco, CA—Chaos erupted Christmas Day amidst a live nativity scene as a number of people and animals alike were arrested by liberal activists. All of the participants in the reenactment of Jesus’s birth in Golden Gate Park were charged and detained for crimes against secularism. One wise man received a black eye during his arrest and a camel later asked The Discord, "Can you post this on Wednesday? I’ll explain later."

"This isn’t the stone age," said one eye witness. "The messiah needs to be born in a proper hospital with the mother under general anesthesia. Besides, the whole thing was set up less than a block from a government building, which clearly blurs the line of church state."

Republican types believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas. Senator Nancy Pelosi (D) was quick to counter. "Due to sequester cuts the nativity scene was grossly under secured, so don’t go there."

Barack Obama is denying allegations that the nativity participants were water boarded at Guantanamo Bay. "Nonsense," said Obama. "We did the deed over at the nearby naval base in Alameda. It is hoped our actions will allow countless atheists to sleep-in this Sunday, and we also knocked some frankincense into that one fella’. Wise man? More like wise ass."

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Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
 
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Pope Accused of Spying on God
Pope Accused of Spying on God

Washington, DC—The White House believes it has obtained solid intelligence indicating that the Pope is spying on God. These revelations come on the heels of allegations that the U.S. is now spying on the Pope. "Yes, we are spying on His Holiness," said President Obama, "but only because we have evidence that points directly to his wrongdoings. If Pope Francis is listening to God’s deepest thoughts and wishes, without his consent, it is a breach of trust unparalleled in human history."

The White House maintains that communicating with God when he is aware is standard Papal operating procedure (SPOP). According to recorded NSA conversations, however, this new Pope is listening in without God’s consent.

Do God’s latest revelations merit another tablet? "DID YOU SEE THAT LAST COLBERT TWEET? ROTFLMAO" and, "I’M NOT GOING BACK TO THE BLOODY SAFEWAY TODAY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? I’M GOD?" and finally, "IF I HAVE TO ATTEND ONE MORE TEA PARTY MEETUP GROUP, I SWEAR I’LL GO ALL SODOM-AND-GOMORRHA ON THEIR ASSES."

President Obama added, "It is imperative we know when the 2nd coming is coming. Homeland Security is not going to stand idly by as a sizable percentage of our citizens up and vanish. And the rapture is expected to negatively impact ten times more Democratic districts. Dems could lose the Senate and the White House, not to mention the cost associated with locust pest control."

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New DSM-V Adds Religion As a Funde-Mental Disorder
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The authors of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel for psychiatry, which provides summaries and outlines for all mental illnesses, added religion to its Axis-II category. This area was originally dedicated exclusively to sociopaths like Hannibal Lechter, or histrionic-types like CNN’s Nancy Grace.

So What If I Pissed Off Parapsychologist Dean Radin?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dean Radin is about the most prominent parapsychologist on the planet. But as the head of the Discord’s Elite Para-Abnormal Research Team (DEPART), I pack some serious blog clout myself. We had nearly a dozen page views yesterday. But I’ll let the readers decide who won this important impromptu iPhone exchange.

The Horny Goat Weed Question
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed?  Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east.  In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time).  On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed".  Below were the words "Proven Effective".  Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch.  What the heck?  I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items.  Who is?  But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed?

I Don't Always Invent Obama Scandals
I Don't Always Invent Obama Scandals, But when I do the IRS audits ME!
But when I do the IRS audits ME!
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think skullfucking is in any way a contribution to the new age movement. What is your real claim to fame, oh inappropriate one?

Walter



Dear Walter,

I am the first medicine man to point out how peeing is the perfect time to meditate. Read my Zen and the Art of Urinating. It makes for perfect bathroom material.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Space For Sale
Pierce X. Winslow

Space for Sale,

The Ghetto Shaman column is available for anyone who can send funny material to me in a timely manner. I don’t care what his excuse is this time, I don’t care if he lost his fifth grandmother, again, or his parole officer has more stipulations, or he's on another Mad Dog vision quest. I am washing my hands of that new age miscreant!

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. Send me the goods now, Shaman, or you’ll never work in this virtual town again!

Ask your question, bitch...
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Alex Bone’s Get Poor Quick Scheme
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Flagstaff, AZ (aka, Poverty with a View)—Most people in America and the majority of the rest of the world are striving to be rich, but they’re overlooking the truly wonderful advantages of being flat broke. For instance, you will have more free time because your schedule will not be bogged down with things like trips, vacations, shopping, or eating. Things like gaining too much weight—no problem. And no one will ever asks you to borrow money! Hell, they won’t even ask you to babysit for fear you might eat their children.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started my teen years smoking lots of pot, but then I heard methamphetamine can enhance your sexual prowess. But now after using meth for several years I can’t seem to get a date. Don’t chicks no how cool meth is?

Scabby and Toothless



Dear S & T,

Anything in excess can be counterproductive, young grass-smoker. Try mixing things up with some crack.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and chicks no how to spell know.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spawning? Should they name the baby Taylor?

Vanessa



Dear Vanessa,

Ha ha ha. What’s the opposite of LOL?  OLO? Actually, the baby is mine, because right before Kanye climaxed I jumped in and said, "I’m really happy for you, I’m a let you finish, but Beyonce said I am one of the best in the sack of all time!"

Sincerely,

The Ghetto "of all time!" Shaman

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The Shroud Of The Dirty War Has Fallen...
The Shroud Of The Dirty War Has Fallen...Begun The Pope War Has!
Begun The Pope War Has!
 
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Vatican Bought By Target
Vatican Bought By Target

Vatican City—In a stunning turn of events, the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis did not pass his background check. The Vatican Human Resources department was quick to blame the error on an intern. Unable to name a new Pope, the Vatican has decided to close its doors forever. An American retail company, Target Corporation, is finalizing a deal to purchase the Vatican directly from God. According to the locum Pope, Cardinal Pompous IV, a series of sales will soon be in place to purchase all kinds of Catholic memorabilia. The Vatican, in conjunction with a new e-commerce business known as PayPope, will allow direct online sales for all of your papal crapal needs.

Pompous IV told reporters, "There are full warehouses that must go! We have Pope remains beatified and mummified for your protection. You could get Peter. You could get Paul. So come on down. Hell, some of us even think we’re going to find Jesus himself in one of these crates! Won’t that be a surprise?"

The faithful are conflicted about recent events. One woman from Monterey said, "I really don’t want to see the utter collapse of the Catholic Church, but if the Ark of the Covenant shows up on eBay, well, holy shit is right!"

In the coming days so many historic answers may be revealed, as the most sacred regalia is only broken out for the annual Blood of Christ party. "Yeah, we don’t know what most of this shit is," said P-Dog IV. "We only know it’s really old and makes for a great dress up day."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book The Power of Now, Bitches and it’s the same title as Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now.  You just added the word "bitches" at the end.  Is there no limit to your audacity?

S. Latte



Dear S,

Nope…besides, I also added the comma.  It didn’t get there by itself.  If you want to see where I really rip off Tolle, read my masterpiece When Stillness Spews.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics? Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke



Dear Kevin,

Indeed. There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn't...like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!
Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!

Vatican City—In conjunction with God, the Daily Discord is offering cash, cars, and sexual favors (missionary style only) for the person who comes the closest to guessing the upcoming last tweet of his Holiness the Pope. Pope Benedict the whatshisface is bowing down and this time with no ill intentions toward children. He is planning his farewell tweet on February 28th, but here are the rules. The Discord staff gets to go first, which can be translated roughly as the rest of you don’t stand a chance, or in Latin, "Vos autem nolite stare liceator!" If you still want to play, just submit your Pope tweet by hitting our contact button or this groovy hyperlink here. Oh, and did we mention all submissions must be in Latin?


Pierce X. Winslow
@PierceWinslow
Cum Sinite parvulos ad me. Oh, dixi quod ex magna? (Suffer the little children to cum on me. Oh, did I say that out loud?)
9:26 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

Mick Zano
@mzzano
Iam operor ego adepto keys ut Pope Mobile? (Now do I get the keys to the Pope Mobile?)
9:32 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
0 Retweets 0 Favorites

Erisa Brahe
@erisaBrahe
Quamdiu omnibus gratias ichthys! (So long, and thanks for all the Jesus fish.)
9:48 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
5 Retweets 3 Favorites

The Crank
@theCrank
Ego teneo tamen haud one....NO UNUS pulsatus leviculus hat! (I know I’m stepping down, but no one....NO ONE touches the silly hat!)
9:55 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
7 Retweets 2 Favorites

The Ghetto Shaman
@ghettoShaman
Videre vos post, Bitches! Viva las Vegas! (See you later, Bitches!  I'm going to Vegas.)
10:03 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
6548 Retweets 2569 Favorites

Sandra Day O'Connor
@sandyOConnor
That was a lifetime appointment! Quitter! (Sorry, Sandra, Latin submissions only)
10:20 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
10 Retweets 6 Favorites
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Pope Incinerates Hundreds During Last Public Appearance
Pope Incinerates Hundreds During Last Public Appearance, Final words: "I will watch Rubio's career with great interest"
Final words: "I will watch Rubio's career with great interest"
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think about Chuck Hagel’s nomination for Secretary of Defense?

Wyatt



Dear Wyatt,

I endorsed and supported Thor, the God of Thunder. I’m old school.

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I do support the Discord’s nomination of Martha Stewart as the Secretary of the Interior. What she can do with curtains and a few throw pillows...

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What did you think of the movie Django? I think violence is too prevalent in our society and we really need to watch how things are projected through our shadow selves.

Why Z

Dear Why Z,

I loved that movie! That was the one where the little lizard is chased by the hawk through the desert, right? It was a little too violent for me too and it earned it's PG rating. I liked that armadillo, Roadkill. I don't remember any shadow elves but I was chugging malt liquor products at the time. Hey, how else was I going to drown out the sound of those little shits in front of me?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Instead of my usual column, I thought this correspondence between our CEO and some spammer was enlightening:

Hi,

I'm XXXXXXXX, and I blog at XXXXXXXX I'm wondering if I can offer a guest post to your site? I'm thinking of writing about "How to Improve Your Credit Rating," as I think this post might be useful for your visitors.

What do you think? Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.

Have a great week and thanks in advance.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX



Dear Blackened Rectangle,

Thank you for the offer, but have you actually read our site? I don't think that our visitors would trust us with financial advice. Now the Ghetto Shaman commenting on how to trash your credit rating through alcohol, drugs and Thai hookers, maybe. Thanks again for your interest!

Pierce X. Winslow

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Catitude: The Cat's Domestication of Mankind
By The Crank
The Crank

I have cats, two. One is a fat old, crotchety female. The other, male, is a one-year-old walking bag of shedding-fur. I like cats, for one main reason: Steven Hawking couldn’t find the infinitesimal shit they give about anything. I love that. If I wanted some smelly drooly stupid animal to act as if it were a new appendage, I would get a dog. Dogs are for people who need that unconditional love. It’s like living with a two year old for twenty years. No thanx. Bad enough I have to deal with Zano visiting now and again.

A-Crock-O-Shit Now
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

What the hell happened? NOTHING happened, that's what happened. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what a boring apocalypse. With all the hype that's been building up, you'd think the show would be a little better. But no, it was just another Friday night in Flagstaff. There weren't even any good bands downtown!

Apocalypse Fail Leaves Discord Material-less
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21st turned out so lame. "We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris," said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. "It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality," said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, "The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit."

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. "The well is dry," said Winlsow. "We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah."

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, "It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp."

McGrath went on to explain, "Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you do soul retrievals? Are you like a full on, balls to the walls shamanic healer, or do you ever break down and use western medicine?

Sandy Duncan



Dear I loved you in The Sound of Music,

Where to begin? I don’t do soul retrievals, but I do do bowl retrievals. You know, when it slips between the cushions of my couch when I'm getting zorked. And, yes, I do a lot of western medicine, unless I think my probation officer is around. But I do adamantly refuse to go to doctors. This is an integral part of my spiritual path and my shamanic tradition, so when something’s wrong with me physically I try to ignore it long enough for denial to set in. For instance, it's not burning as I pee right now, it’s simply the Mexican food I had last week.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or maybe I shouldn't have tried to fuck that tequila bottle.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I hope they don't pay you much. You don't seem to do a whole lot except put people down.

Henny



Dear Henny,

I am a spiritual guru, so I never put anyone down, asshole. Here's the thing, I don't get paid much, because our CEO is kind of a skin flint. I do get 10¢ per word and just answering your fool question is going to score me me me me me 40 oz of malty magic. Sorry, I was a coming up a little short this week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw this thing on the Discord where you auctioned off your virginity to charity. No offense, but who is going to believe you’re a virgin?

Madonna



Dear Madonna,

This might come as a shock to you, but, despite my best seller The Tao of Skullfucking, I have never been skullfucked.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. All proceeds will go to the Miley Cyrus BYOB Foundation.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where do you live? Were you impacted by Sandy?

Hopes and prayers,

Becca



Dear Becca,

I live under the Market Street Bridge and, yes, I was greatly impacted by Sandy. But she's not going to get a dime of that child support! And stop calling my parole officer, bitch! He knows you're full of shit!!

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

How come it says "updated Fridays" on your site, yet you never update anything until Saturday, if at all?

Roe



Dear Roe,

Dear Mr. Winslow (pretending to be someone named Roe),

Other than Miller time or Happy Hour, time is human bondage...and not the fun kind. Have you heard of Navajo Rez time? It's kind of like that for me, only i use a sundial that a friend of mine recently yuked on. I think it's half past pepperoni, so we should be good this week.

Sinoften,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who are you voting for in November?

Shirls



Dear Shirls,

I’m sticking to the person I have faithfully stood behind through thick and thin. I can, without hesitation, fully endorse—you heard it here first on The Daily Discord—Carrie Underwood. She will be American Idol’s winner of the 3rd annual American Country Awards. Mark my words!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I think the award ceremony is in December, not November.

Ask your question, bitch...
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You Are Trapped in an Invisible Chamber of Energy
You Are Trapped in an Invisible Chamber of Energy, Origin of the Jedi mime trick
Origin of the Jedi mime trick
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What's your sign? I'm having a party this weekend and wondering if you could enlighten me and my friends.

Michael

Dear Michael,

Umm, my sign is stop, dude! Actually, as a kleptosexual I'm really into that kind of thing, although i'd be more inclined to cum if your name was Michaela. Besides, I already have a previous engagment this weekend. I'm teaching a seminar on Cultural Incomptence at Carl's Pub...over by the cigarette machine.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto (I wish I was Latino so I could be president) Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Sidewalk Artist Hoax: Squats Near Real Sinkhole!
Sidewalk Artist Hoax: Squats Near Real Sinkhole! Dozens fall to their death with hilarious consequences
Dozens fall to their death with hilarious consequences
 
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If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you. Jesus on holding in your farts
Jesus on holding in your farts
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

If you could raise one woman from the dead to sleep with, who would it be?

Sherwood Digger



Dear Freak,

Phyllis Diller

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Mr. Winslow is complaining this is too short this week, so Phyllis Ada Diller.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Most Shamans refer to their spiritual tutelage. You, on the other hand, are infinitely vague about your shamanic schooling and sordid past.

Sincerely,

Bob Frantzen

Albany, NY



Dear Bob,

Fine. I was first introduced to the plant intelligence under the guidance of my master, one Chief Bum-a-smoke Shitstorm, of the Kennedy-King Projects over in Newberry. I was initiated on Ibogaine substitute (possibly nutmeg) and ayahuasca substitute (possibly skunked malt-liquor). The plant spirits told me to quit my job, live on the streets, and teach my people. Thankfully, I was one step ahead of them…already fired, homeless, and quite verbose.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the Olympics? If so what was your favorite event? What games would you add?

Zeus from Athens



Dear Zeus,

You’re supposed to ask one question, not three, buuuut since you’re a God. Look, there’s some sort of cognitive disease associated with nationalism these days. It shouldn’t be true, but it is. You cheer for your country and the IQ points slide off like clothing on one of my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruises. I would watch the Olympics if they added Shamanic games like naked soul retrieval, astral belching, or long distance Reiki Robotripping.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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So You Want to Be a Bounty Hunter?
By Ertel
So You Want to Be a Bounty Hunter?
Ertel

Criminals and evildoers the world over: beware! Law abiding citizens: sleep soundly tonight knowing that in your neck-of-the-woods, local criminals (mostly the petty variety like vandals, jaywalkers, and internet pirates) will be taking a healthy dose of justice—justice served with a side-order of spit-talkin’ Dirty Harry style ‘plum mad dog mean’ true grit...I have absolutely no idea what that is even supposed to mean.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I kill my ego? What’s the fastest way? I’ve just been stumbling along the spiritual path.

Stumblin'



Dear Stumblin',

Sneak up behind a group of chicks talking about you. It killed mine in under forty seconds.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one Awaken the Shaman? I hear this a lot lately and would love to hear your take.

Wendy

Boise, ID



Dear Wendy,

Awakening the Shaman is key! You are very wise. I would approach by the feet or shins and gently nudge me while calling my name softly. Otherwise I wake up swinging. Trust me, you don't want that.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are there any Cliff Notes for enlightenment? Any shortcuts? I have read everything from Maharishi Mahesh, to Genpo Roshi, to Toltec friggin’ wisdom and I am in a spiritual wasteland, man! I’m not growing compassion, I’m growing old, I'm growing tired, I'm growing ulcers!

Gary



Dear Acid Reflux,

No one can do this for you, Gary. Gurus, meditations, the very Dharma itself can only point you in the direction. In my case that direction would be south. Try rereading chapter two of my Booty Sutras: The Sanctity of the Spank-titty. But If I tell you anymore I could actually hinder your spiritual growth. No, really, I will...

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have been desperately trying to engage in rough sex, but my boy toy is terribly concerned about harming me. I was thinking about safe words or maybe some good phrases. Do you have any ideas?

Sincerely,

Sub Missy



Dear S&M,

Your safe phrase should be, "I’m calling your probation officer!" and a good word might be "revocation!" Well, those were mine and they worked like a charm, until my sentence was reinstated May of 2007. I am sorry for your loss Mr. and Mrs. Wilkens. I'm just an excitable boy.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Of course, I had to come up with a completely new set for Bubba.

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Are you a Serpent or a Rat? Take the Quiz of Yig!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Are you one with Yig, or will be cowering in the corner when the Earth comes under peril this December? Take Yig’s Stalwart quiz and see where you stand in the eyes of the All Father Serpent. Oh, but if you fail badly, you might be devoured.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is the recent rash of cannibalistic bath salt incidents the beginning of a zombie apocalypse?

Jeets



Dear Jeets,

Yes. Just prior to their arrival, the Mayan Gods often send the devourers to purge the world of flesh. You should probably prepare by purchasing Michael Griffith's novel Eternal Aftermath, wherever fine post-apocalyptic fiction is sold. The movie Motel Hell also covered the subject effectively, because remember it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Face...it’s what’s for dinner.

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Aging: It May Be Fucked Up but Maybe Less So
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Age related decline is a phenomenon sweeping the nation. You may recognize this subtle foe to establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, "Sure, honey. I can pick that up from the store" quickly turns to..."Umm, why am I going to the store?" Other symptoms include: fumbling around for beers long since consumed, emphatic arguments with inanimate objects—typically of the malfunctioning variety—and accusations of moving items which have remained stationary for years...like, for example, your house.

Taken Outside Cokie McGrath's Place
Taken Outside Cokie McGrath's Place, She has that effect on frozen water particles
She has that effect on frozen water particles
 
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Dear Ghetto Dude,

I noticed a trend at the locker room that's quite startling. No, it wasn't my shocking lack of manhood. That is another topic entirely. I want to know about the latest crave sweeping the nation. Wait for it, manscaping!! I notice, not intentionally, but that other guys are trimming this shit back. I have to admit I have a situation going on down yonder. It’s like a wild, untamed bush beast. What should I do about this dick fro, bro?

Harry Testicles



Dear Harry,

Nair.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I recently sculpted a bonsai tree out of mine. Just don’t use garden shears. But if you do have a mishap, some universities will purchase your balls for cash! I’ve donated three myself. Woe...there goes another one. Good thing they grow back.

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Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
By Mick Zano
Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
Mick Zano

Wow, nearly three of your fans got to watch you beat the Chicago Blackhawks this year—your first ever playoff series win since moving from Winni-friggin-peg. Wanna know why? The following is the comedy, the tragedy, and the horror that befell one Coyote fan, namely me, during the 2012 playoffs. Damn Mayans. The Hockey Gods frown on you Arizona! They will now probably relocate to Seattle or Hackensack...and who needs a team out in Hackensack? This post has been sent to NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman and to Captain Coyote, Shane Doan. They will respect my authoritay!

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stocks rally on news you're actually going to post something this week. In particular, crude really tumbles without your important voice.

Mick Zano



Dear Mick,

Yeah, for me it's always a bare market...until the police arrive. Sorry, i'm kind of behind on my fan mail. Some of us don't have the luxury of not getting any, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

BWTF? How come you don't post an update every Friday morning? Your boss is always making excuses for you. I think he's enabling your continued poor behaviors. Is this truly the way?

Yikes



Dear Yikes,

The Ghetto Shaman will not be posting this week, through no fault of his own, as the Shaman is often in a transcendal state (passed out). Besides, he answers nearly a question a week, a feverish pace. Also, once intoxicated, not only does he make contact with those higher realms, he also attracts those higher authorities, namely the police. I assure you he is very dedicated to the Daily Discord and remains one of our most consistent contributors (at least comparatively). He will be back to answer your questions next week...ish. You can't rush a Zen monk, nor can you rush a drunken monkey like the Ghetto Zenman.

CEO Pierce Winslow

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Things have changed as my husband has gotten older. I still want to have sex all the time but he’s satisfied with once or twice a week, at most. I’ve tried everything to peak his interest: midgets, swings, toys, swing toys, and manipulating toys in a swing with midgets. Nothing has worked! Shouldn’t my significant other do his husbandly duty? Isn’t he obligated to satisfy my every fantasy and whim? 24/7? Midgets sold separately.

Sixty Nine Sally (that’s not my age or my real name)



Dear 69S,

Yes.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I sent you my actual cell phone number in the reply email. Oh, and I always BYOM (Bring my Own Midget)

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Chief Seattle once said, "When the Earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear. When that happens, The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them."  I think we are closing in on that time period. Are you an activist? Are you an environmental warrior?

Running Bear



Dear Running Bear,

They used to call me Running Bare, but now it’s a felony. I am part of a complacent activist Buddhist group known as I am That, but not on weekends. And I do hang out with the Warriors of the Rainbow at the bar known as Peaches & Court. There we attempt to save the planet one drunken show tune at a time.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Pierce Winslow

The following is a public service announcement:

The Ghetto Shaman column has been cancelled this week due to unforeseen circumstances involving the police, Mad Dog 20/20, and some high grade nutmeg. The Shaman would still like to plug his latest books: Channel Your Aggression into Fast Cash! and the critically exclaimed The Shaman’s Gift and other STDs.

Stay tuned next week for the triumphant return of the Ghetto Shaman…or not.

Pierce Xavier Winslow

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Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.

Job Creator, Zeus, Angered with Obamacare Mandates
Job Creator, Zeus, Angered with Obamacare Mandates

Mt. Olympus—The Greek God, Zeus, is highly displeased with the Obama Administration’s arrogance. "How dare he force my hand on this, especially considering the sheer number of lightning bolts I’m typically palming at any given moment."

Zeus feels some of the Obamacare mandates are in direct contradiction to his own belief system.

"You can’t expect me to pay for operations that defy Greek mythological principles," said Zeus. His chief complaint involves Obamacare forcing him to buy insurance that includes amputation procedures. Zeus believes such amputations would forever disqualify the dead from crossing the River Styx into Hades. "If a person is missing a body part, Charon, the Ferryman, will throw them right out of the boat!" said Zeus. "Is it better to save an arm and spend eternity in limbo or Tartarus? Mortal fools! Obama is forcing this down my throat and I happen to know a thing or two about that. Just ask my father, Cronus."

Zeus employs over 17,000 mortals but maintains he is only sleeping with the female ones. Zeus is now threatening to burn the White House to the ground unless an amicable compromise can be reached. When asked if he is jumping on the recent Christian bandwagon against Obamacare, Zeus replied, "Don’t conflate issues. Those people hold some strange beliefs."

In related news, Zeus claimed the life of another golfer in California. "I f*&^ing hate golf," said Zeus.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your show All Things Discouraged doesn't resonate much with many of the common premises and assumptions of the New Age Movement. And by "doesn't resonate much", I mean none. Your collective work is pretty much one colossal cosmic contradiction. And when I say "pretty much", I mean totally. And what do you mean by the Dry Hump Sutras?

Terrence



Dear Terrence,

This is as good a time as any to announce this: I will no longer be hosting All things Discouraged. Instead we are happy to introduce Spiritual Questions, Inappropriate Answers. Now to your question: much of the dharma is focused on paradoxes, not contradictions or even contraindications. Speaking of which, I just realized Percocets, Xanax, scotch, and more scotch is also apparently contraindi...............

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Lemme' Teech U Sumpin', G-H-E-T-T-O. Shaman spelled backwards is Na Mahs, loosely translated from the Sanskrit-Pictish means NO MAS. Hang up yo' diaper, 'cuz yo schtick is gettin' stale. Listen dude, I am a longtime fan. You need to start sellin' sum T-Shirts or sumpin'. Bring back the Juice! By the way, you STILL owe me $20, bitch.
'Lil Trump.

Uoldhaunts, PA



Dear ‘Lil Trump,

Twenty dollar make you holler! I spent your twenty in Thailand, but I swear that boy was at least sixteen. You have to be more specific. I owe a lot of people money. When we do sell T-shirts I will send you one, in lieu of the twenty.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I have a copyright on bitch, bitch...and a prescription for penicillin.

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The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a lesbian and my partner is insisting I where protection. Please instruct?

Monica



Dear Monica,

Just visit GladiatorLesbians.com. I believe they have a virtual mall.

Sincerely,

Can I have your number?

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God Denies Existence of Christopher Hitchens
God Denies Existence of Christopher Hitchens

Heaven—Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, Christopher Hitchens refused to put down his scotch when addressing St. Peter and sized up the holy gatekeeper with an intense glare.  He then announced that he was mortified about the prospect of an afterlife, adding, "Oh, and I should warn you, I only drink Harp, I don’t play them."

St. Peter then explained to Mr. Hitchens that he did not appear on any of his lists, which is "quite impossible."

Before wandering off, Mr. Hitchens made a gesture that greatly upset the Saint and called him a glorified toll bridge worker.

God is now completely denying the existence of the short, rude little man, or his unscheduled appearance at the Pearly Gates. "We have no record of him and if the word omnipotent means anything at all to you people, the matter should be considered settled. Besides," continued God, "…a hawkish foreign policy advocate who can think his way out of a paper bag? Preposterous." God then named every Republican in the United States to prove his point and called it a night.

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A Memorable Cranksgiving
By The Crank
A Memorable Cranksgiving
The Crank

Living on the surface of the Sun (aka, Phoenix) does have its benefits. One, you never have to travel to see fambly. They will always come to see you. Let’s see, 19 degrees and snow in New Yawk, or 70 and sunny in AZ. Hmmm.

Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

Dear Cokie,

I need help with a situation. There’s a guy I like at work. He’s the total package…overweight, middle-aged, total alcoholic, and married! Did I mention he’s flatulent? Can you suggest ways that I can snag this fine figure of a man?

Chubby Chaser



Dear Chubby Hubby Chaser,

It’s important to take this in stages. First, invite that stud-muffin on a vacation. If his wife inquires about the trip, toss around words like "work related" and "platonic". If that doesn’t work, extend an invitation for a red-hot threesome in another state. Either way, this is sure to be a success, in a domestic violence, restraining order kind of way. If all other methods fail, it’s best to go rogue. For more information on Going Rogue, try Sarah Palin’s book of the same name.

Cokie McGrath 

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Life Coach Cokie: On Social Site Bombing
Cokie McGrath

Don’t worry. The Ghetto Shaman will be back next week. Mr. Winslow doesn’t always get his bail money to him in a timely fashion.

Turning social sites against their owner is an art form. First, be sure to get your target drunk and then gain access to all of his or her social sites. For this little experiment, I used friend and fellow Discordian, Zick Mano. When he went to the bathroom, I friended all of his subordinates, who he would never normally friend, and then proceeded to fire them all. (Now be quick about it, as time is of the essence).

Then when he returned, I talked him into searching and friending a bunch of his ex-girlfriends (lawyers, porn stars, lawyer-porn stars!). Then, when he went back to the bathroom (this is where it’s important to keep the drinks flowing), simply invite all of them for threesomes in a variety of exotic locations. You can invite midgets, politicians, cartoon characters, whomever. Get creative with it. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.

Mick’s exs are funny! One of them even threatened a restraining order. Good times. Be warned, I never recommend drunken self social site debauchery (DSSSB), but when you successfully target a friend, it’s pure entertainment. Keep in mind, these activities can damage friendships, careers, even marriages, but thankfully not your own.

Cokie McGrath

Ask any question and I will answer! At least until the Shaman gets bailed out, of course.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I'm single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter



Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is Cokie McGrath single?

Dave Atsals

Discord Contributor



Dear Dave,

She’s a coworker, Dave! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Cokie is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes her do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo deleting that video he sent me….Tomorrow.  Really, tomorrow.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Kidding, she likes chicks. I am soooo deleting that video she sent me. Tomorrow, really.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Living in Gratitude, Mother Fuckers and…that’s all.

Bob



Dear Bob,

I know, I know, sometimes words can’t describe the ineffable beauty of my writing...mother fucker.

Respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you have any clue how our elders passed down the knowledge, myth, and the very essence of each and every important culture throughout Mother Earth’s dynamic history.  You have missed some important lessons, Shaman.  

Shonto

Dear Shonto,

Nonsense, I have simply given new meaning to the words ‘long oral tradition.’ 

The Ghetto Cialis

P.S. And is that a totem in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you hear?  Archeologists have discovered ancient sperm in the eye sockets of some Brazilian crystal skulls.  Is this further proof of your Tao of Skull Fucking? Or are the natives just gnawing on too many roots?

Okie4



Dear Okie4,

A rare person who understands my work!   You speak of the Legend of Crystal Skull Humpers.   I think my next book Indiana Jonesing and the Temple of Spooge will vindicate my theory, or put me back in jail. I’m sure it’s one of the two. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Halloween is coming up and what do you think is the most likely costume to get me laid? Just curious.

Terri



Dear Just Curious,

If you are a female, I would go with a Wonder Woman costume. But, if you decide to go with this theme, don't try to make-it in your invisible airplane; this is the age of cell phone cameras. If you are a male I would go with a Ghetto Shaman mask. These are available wherever fine Ghetto Shaman masks are sold. If you are a male that likes to hang out at certain clubs, I would go with the Wonder Woman costume. Again, watch the Boeing buggery.

Sin-beerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you got ejected from Kimball’s bar again last week.  Nice.

Detritus

Williamsport, PA



Dear Detritus,

What you call an ejection, I call a spiritual retreat.  You are supposed to ask a question, thus the name of my column, so I will take this opportunity to ask you a question:

Why are you so focused on the actions of others, my friend?  Or were you the one I set on fire during my Bacchanalian Medical Marijuana seminar?

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am researching out-of-body experiences and came across something called the Akashic Record.  What exactly is the Akashic Record? 

Sierra Swanson

Framingham, MA



Dear Sierra,

I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s available in compact disc by now.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your work is sad, pathetic, lousy, moronic, and juvenile and, wait, let me hit thesaurasus.com …deplorable, distressing, crappy, and devitalizing.    And The Tao of Skull Fucking is the saddest excuse for literature since your last book Bud-Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties (but at least that one had some soft porn in it).

Tooksy

Kearny, NJ



Dear Tooksy,

What do you have against the 3 Hs?  OK, OK, you’re right.  I will try to make amends in my next work: The Art of Spiritual Coercion.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  …or not.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Here’s Your Daily Affirmations, Fuck Face, and it really had in impact on me.  Not a good one.  It’s just, I thought you had to grow compassion and selflessness to reach nirvana.

Jed "Free the Seed" O’Neil



Dear Jed,

Are there not many ways up the mountain, young grass smoker?  I am simply trying to help people find Zen through the art of indifference, which may just be the title of my next book.  Hmmm.  Let’s try it: please buy my latest work The Art of Indifference.   Yeah, I like that…now available through PayPal. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, but I would stay away from Nirvana if I were you.  Smells like Great Spirit.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you ever read the book Living Beyond Fear?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Yes, it scared the shit out of me.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How is making issues of spirituality murkier and cloudier helping anyone?  You bring darkness to enlightenment.

Genpo T



Dear Genpo,

You need to do two things to move into the light of cosmic understanding, my friend.  First, contemplate the sound of one cheek farting.  Do this for a year and then read one of my first works: Demystifying Mysticism through Mumbo Jumbo.  If that doesn’t clear things up, I don’t know what will.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

OK, I almost buy this overcoming fear with beer stuff, but can you explain any of this shit without trying to sell me a book?  Oh, and who are the Zen Carnes?

Oceal



Dear Oceal,

Of course I can explain it without trying to sell you a book.  Consider one of my new audio CDs, Change Your Thinking through Drinking.  And, if you act right now, I’ll make mine a double.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I was raised by Zen Carnes, but I don’t like to talk about it. 

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your last reader nailed it.  You’re preaching about enlightenment, yet you’re glorifying the abuse of alcohol, hallucinogens, and things you probably make in your basement.  BWTF?

Sincerely,

Hal

(I’m not telling you where I live, bitches)



Dear Hal,

Thank goodness for RSS feed cookies, or we’d never have been able to track down all of your personal information and sell it on the black market for Mad Dog money.

Look, I only have a short column through which to convey a ton of important information.  To really understand the true essence of my teachings, you should purchase my latest masterpiece, Opened Heart, Bloated Liver: a Warrior’s Path to Partying.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. BWTF? Is that Big Wet Titty Fun?  … just a guess, but an educated one.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Not sure you are contributing to society. It seems you behave poorly after you’ve been beer drinking and hell-raising.  Maybe you need to switch to wine, or maybe you need professional help.

Sincerely,

Carman



Dear Carman,

Note sure what your question is, but I will address what I can:

A. Sure I contribute to society, just not in a positive way.

B. Wine is for people who haven’t developed a palate for beer.

C. Yes, I do behave poorly when drinking, which may explain my nickmame, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heineken.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Tales of Shamanic Debauchery and now I am asking myself why?  What was the point of writing that thing?  And what is your reference in Chapter four to your power animal?  You don’t explain this and then the chapter ends rather abruptly.

Tamisha

Fort Collins, CO



Dear Tamisha,

Sometimes we read without remaining present, our minds often wander and lose focus, so we end up missing critical elements.  That’s not the case with this book.  I was very drunk when I wrote it.  The title should have made that clear.  The chapters end when my transmission from the spirit realm ends.  I usually have some forewarning when the spin monsters descend from the cosmic void.  Oh, and I broke up with my power animal.  So what are you doing Thursday, Tamisha?

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any advice for the newlyweds, William and Kate?

Sincerely,

Charles & Camilla



Dear royal peeps,

I’m really beginning to question the authenticity of some of these emails…like the last one, Vern from Vernon?  BWTF?  That’s, of course, a shamanic phrase meaning Bustie White Titty Fuckers, which is Persian for…fine, I’ll bite. 

You should have eloped!  Sure you got some tourism benefits, but jolly old England aint so f-ing jolly anymore.   Save your cash, start pinching some pounds.   Wait, that didn’t work. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and tell Kate about my next Rieki Robotripping Retreat. Don’t worry, she’ll get the royal treatment.  

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Since you are such an erudic chap, maybe you can help me out.  I read this passage somewhere: "I see a fountain bubbling with life. Language is not able to reveal this. For the entire eighth, my son, and that are in it, and the angels, sing a hymn in silence."  I forget where I found this quote, but that night I had a profound dream, almost a peak experience.  Do you care to comment?  Do you know what it might mean?

Vern

Vernon, NJ



Hey Vern,

Vern from Vernon?  Really?  Sure I am erudic, phonetically.  Actually, I am a rude dick—it think you wanted erudite.  But I know the quote of which you speak.  I found it through a union with the higher realms and the Wikipedia Gods.   Obviously the "fountain bubbling with life" is reference to an ancient CO2 tap system of some type.  "Language is not able to reveal this" translates as the ineffable buzz of the malt liquor mammas.  "For the entire 8th" is reference to the finishing of the sacred 8th pint, in Buddhism this corresponds to the eight pint path.  Once the aspirant chugs the 8th beer, he or she passes through the challenge of the spin monsters and arrives at enlightenment or, in some cases, the drunk tank.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Either that or it’s about jerking off.  I’m sure it’s one of the two.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you took a header into the gravel outside of Kimball’s last night.  I don’t see how what you are doing can be called spiritual in any way, shape, or form.  I think you even shit yourself!

Dave P.

Turbotville, PA



Dear Dave,

What you call "taking a header" I call a Divine Earth Kiss, besides it couldn’t have been me.  I am banned from Kimball’s.   Either way, it would be in your best interest to read my latest work The Tao of Incontinence.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Could you talk to Eric about getting me back in there?  If they’d let me in I wouldn’t shit myself, now would I?

Ask your question, bitch...
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ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There
By Sarah Angelfire
ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There

Sorry for the delay in reporting alien impressions, but I have discovered much while working deep undercover.  No, I’m not reporting on Zano’s Viagra issues…this time.  This gets even stranger than that image, so stay with me here. Sure humans are swell.  On a universal scale, we can do a whole lot more than some other species around the cosmos (that’s even when taking into consideration Daily Discord contributors).

God Angry with Obama for Supporting Republican Energy Views?
God Angry with Obama for Supporting Republican Energy Views?

Heaven—Isn’t the timing more than a little suspicious?  Think about it; Obama backs deep sea drilling and, boom, a few weeks later gazillions of gallons of crude oil spews into the Gulf of Mexico.  Obama then backs nuclear energy and boom, splash, Japan’s nuclear incident occurs at Fukushima. 

God told our own Cokie McGrath, "If Obama start promoting ‘clean’ coal, I already have that covered as well."

God plans to burn the entire state of Kentucky by setting all its coal mines ablaze at once in something he is calling his ‘Shock and Ore’ campaign.

"In 2011, if you’re still talking only about the big three: nuclear, coal, and oil, it’s go time, bitches," said God.

God also admitted to McGrath, global warming doesn’t pose a threat to human life anytime soon.

"But plans have changed," added God. "Climate change wouldn’t have become deadly for another thousand years or so, but it’s time to turn this cosmic crockpot up notch."

God then entered his 2010 Prius, with venti mocha macchiato frappe in hand, and may have either waved  goodbye out of the car window or flipped the press the bird.

"We’re sure it was one of the two," said McGrath

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I keep getting my ass kicked.  I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well.  Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?

Darby

Petaluma, CA



Dear Darby,

You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!!  I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide.  Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long.  Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Pope Tells Altar Boys to "Get the Flock Out of Here"
Pope Tells Altar Boys to "Get the Flock Out of Here"

Vatican, Rome—Pope Benedict, The Whatsas, astounded everyone today by announcing that altar boys will no longer be used throughout Catholicism.  From this day forward, the Vatican plans to employ only altar girls.

"Since our priests can’t seem to be trusted to keep their hands off the testaments of little boys, we had little choice," said the Pope. "A recent internal survey found that young ladies are much safer from abuse around our current spokesmen of God."

Pope Eggs Benedict explained his gaffe as simply an attempt at jocularity.

 "You’re supposed to start off with a joke, right?  Heh, heh.  But we certainly don’t want altar boys out of the flock entirely, especially with business as bad as it is and all."

Alex Bone believes the serpent god,Yig, is much safer around children than Christian priests, "Besides, Yig can only swallow one child at a time."

Republicans point out this could save the taxpayers countless therapy dollars, so they, bi and large, support the One Child’s Engulfed Behind Program.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?

Kristina H.



Dear Kristina,

I've only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie!

Ask your question, bitch...
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Beer Cleansing
By Alex Bone
Beer Cleansing
Alex Bone

I’ve been hearing a lot about all these new cleansing techniques designed to, allegedly, help improve your body, mind, and even your spirit. Some people tend to need such things, not sure why.  It’s not like we’ve run out of beer or anything. Still, who am I to judge? Maybe it works wonders.  There are still many mysteries in the Universe.  The holy feathered serpent knows, only a few souls have found the sacred light of our savor, Yig. May his name be hissed.

Canarsie Couple Resurrects Stone Age Fertility Ritual
Canarsie Couple Resurrects Stone Age Fertility Ritual

Brooklyn, NY—You’ve heard of No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn?  Well, one Brooklyn couple is saying no sleeping together ‘til the male adorns the elk antlers and the woman completes the ovulation chant with a gefilte fish draped over her shoulder.  The Maranuchi’s of Canarsie have resorted to such practices after Fran Maranuchi failed to conceive after three months of what Tony Maranuchi describes as "arduous schtupping."

"We were out of options," said Tony.  "We don’t want people to think this was the first thing we tried, or nothin’."

Distraught, Fran turned her sights to the past. 

"There’s just so much that ancestral knowledge can teach us. For instance, I had no idea ripping out the still beating heart of a virgin can appease the God of the Harvest for an entire growing season."

At first Mrs. Maranuchi tried running naked through the fields singing the ‘Seed me Earth Mother’ song.

"But you’d be surprised how few fields we have here in Canarsie," said Fran.

Then Mr. Maranuchi tried carving a bull horn into a Cretan phallus symbol, while rubbing his manhood with a prepared musk seed oil.

"I know symbolic sexual acts with figurines and incense sounds a little weird, but…"

Mr. Maranuchi never finished that sentence.  

In other news: the body of a young woman was found in Canarsie earlier today.  Her heart was ripped from her chest and her remains were positioned in what appears to be an ancient pagan sacrifice to the God of the Harvest.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You give your readers very little insight into your personal life, for instance, what do you do with your free time?

Clay R.

Muncie, IN



Dear Clay,

If my readers had any insight they wouldn't be visiting this site, but, fine…ahhhh, this week I got stoned, went to Egypt, and punched Anderson Cooper in the face a few times, the usual.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ghetto Shaman Threat Level Raised to Red: World Tour Over
The Ghetto Shaman

Cairo, EG—From the beginning, the Ghetto Shaman World Tour (GSWT) was plagued with problems. The recent upheaval in Egypt was the last camel straw.  Following citizen uprisings in Tunisia, Algeria, and Yemen, civil unrest in Jordan and the Kurdish section of Syria, and now Egypt, Daily Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow said "enough is enough." 

"It’s no coincidence all this political unrest spawned within days of each of the Ghetto Shaman’s tour stops," said Winslow. "I’m all for stirring the pot, but I don’t want the Discord’s GSWT to become the Franz Ferdinand of World War III.  Besides, I told the bastard not to do the Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day bit. Moron."

While not confirmed, reports suggest Winslow received a threatening phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  It’s also been reported "Mossad" was mentioned several times during the call.

Homeland Security states it will not lower the current threat level until the Shaman is safely back in his sweat lodge.

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Opinion on Over Fishing:
Opinion on Over Fishing: "Everytime we catch a fish, we should plant another one"
"Everytime we catch a fish, we should plant another one"
 
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Seven Minutes to Last Call: The Discord Doomsday Clock
L. Wolfe

In 1947, the board of directors of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists at the University of Chicago first published the Doomsday Clock.  It reflected the potential for catastrophic destruction of human kind (initially from nuclear annihilation and eventually from Daily Discord articles).

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Wake Up & End all Suffering.  And, uhh, there’s a pistol on the cover?  Talk about a mixed message.  You sicko! I don’t know what to say!

Ebb

Nashua, NH



Dear Ebb,

Sicko was actually by Michael Moore, a shaman in his own right.  And I believe the words you seek, but cannot utter, are "thank you". Obviously, you speak for a loved one who found eternal peace from my work.  Otherwise you’re a pretty lousy shot.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Did you know that, statistically, for every successful suicide attempt, there can be over a hundred failed attempts?  That number is too high, thus the inspiration for my book. 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Announcement:

My home brews are done, bitches!  My prized dopple bock, the Alternator, is ready to rock & roll, and I just tapped my Kundalini Kolsch (I left out the umlaut because I didn’t know how to spell it).  Also ready for imbibing is my Soul Retrieval Stout, Ecstasy Ale, Sorcerer’s Saison, and there’s still one more batch of my prized Peyote Porter.  Or, if you want something blessed by the goddess of the harvest, try my unfiltered hefe, Three Sheets to the Weiss.

I know I am calling this a beer tasting, but, truth be told, I drink a little too fast to "taste" anything, but whatever floats your brewski boat, bitches.  Taste if you want, chug if you want, but either way come down to my kick off home brew bash, Heaven and Helles, next Saturday under the Market Street Bridge. Dress warmly.  Oh, and if you can’t make the party, buy my book: Altered Stouts of Consciousness: A Home Brewer’s Guide to the Godhead

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is there any way to contact you other than this contact button? I have a question of a personal nature.  Oh, and do shamans celebrate Christmas?

Jamie D.

Gilbert, AZ



Dear Jamie,

Sure, I just set up a Shamanic Hot Line at 1-800-SafeAuto for just that purpose.  I originally tried 1-800-Shamanic (leave off the last C for Cave) but I'm still working on that one.  I am available 24/7 to answer all of your questions on the first line, and it will really be me, even though I may try to sell you car insurance.  We enlightened folk have to make a living as well, you know.

The Ghetto Shaman  

P.S.  Of course Shamans celebrate Christmas, Jamie.  In fact, it’s up to the Grinch’s lair tonight to pound some egg nog, smoke some mistletoe, and embark on another double-vision quest. Why do you think Moses talked to snakes in the desert? The lush.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

This week I have a very important business proposal to share with you.  If you attend one of my workshops or buy just one of my famous books, you will be offered the opportunity to purchase some Bellagio casino chips for a fraction of their original value.  So, if you purchase such timeless classics as Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods or A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you can also "acquire" some extra gambling funds for your next trek to Vegas. This is a limited time offer—in fact, I need to dump this shit real quick.  So hit our contact button for more information.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. No Billy666, you should never try that with a melon.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your article Malt Liquor Mindfulness and, all I can say is, what the hell, dude?  Really?  There’s nothing logical or scientific or spiritual about your approach to enlightenment.   Not remotely.

Joey V.

Seattle, WA



Dear John,

Nonsense, I use the scientific method quite rigorously by applying geophysical and biomagnetic concepts to my binge drinking.  Have you ever heard of the Ainu people of Asia and their great Bear Festival? Well, instead of sacrificing a bear, I just transcended one letter to include the plant spirits of hops and barely.  More is explained in my latest masterpiece: Bud Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Supreme Being Riled by Wikileaks!
Supreme Being Riled by Wikileaks!

Heaven, HVN—The Wikileaked documents continue to mount up as few remain unscathed from this major security breech from hell…apparently, even hell.  One exchange is an email between Satan and God, wherein Satan makes fun of God.

"Look who plays me in movies, De Niro, Walken, the list goes on and on—who do you got, George Burns, hah?!" 

God then responded by saying, "Two words, bitch, Morgan Freeman!"

The email that is getting most of the attention, however, is a note from God to himself, which lays out his big plan in three steps:  

  1. Eden Eject: Create the snake and the woman just to be sure.
  2. Operation Guilt: Send a son, who is actually me in disguise, in the hopes of one day being in a Mel Gibson movie.
  3. Operation Shaft: Somewhere around 2010 start fucking with Haiti (just becuase).

"There are several astounding revelations in this email," said Christian scholar Timothy Andrews.  "Not the least of which is God’s complete inability to utilize spell check."

"Obviously there’s a lot we don’t understand about our deity," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, "Regardless, this is a huge victory for all mankind.  It’s a victory for the religious minded, because irrefutable proof of God now exists, and it’s a victory for the atheists, in that, it’s a bloody shame."

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The Ghetto Shaman column will not be posted tonight due to unforeseen circumstances involving copious amounts of Mentos, Pepsi, hookers, Alka-Seltzer, and Xtreme Sour Apple Pop Rocks.  The authorities are not sure if this was a publicity stunt or a suicide attempt.  

We, at the Discord, like to think he was trying to reach a higher plane of existence through stupidity—by pushing the boundaries of enlightened inappropriateness.  Or, perhaps even more likely, it was some type of ill-conceived bar bet gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

We will keep you posted if and when he regains consciousness.  Meanwhile, the Shaman asks that all of his fans rent Don’t Mess with the Zohan and Zoolander.  If enough people watch these movies at the same time, he believes it will create a tear in the Universe through which he can return to the living.  

Sincerely,

Pierce X. Winslow

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you're an f'ing scam. A friend of mine attended one of your "enlightenment" sessions at her university earlier this year, and she told me that you showed up drunk, did nothing but hit on her all night, and the puked all over her after pounding half the punch bowl at the after party. On top of that, she said you broke into the ladies room while she was trying to clean up and stole her bra. WTF dude? I thought you were someone I could trust.

Oh, and BTW, she's thinking about pressing charges. Pig.

Thanks for nothing,

Roxanne



Dear Roxanne,

Sorry it took me five months to respond.  I didn’t want my readers to get the wrong idea.   You didn’t even say what university?  Besides, I usually only frequent high school bathrooms.  Otherwise, I admit it sounds like me.  A lot.  But, look, why is everyone so shocked about what happens at my Hide the Sacred Sausage Workshops in the first place?  Or, when my flyer for an event says, prepare to receive my Big 10inch Spiritual Transmission, there’s always these annoying lawsuits.  Really, people?  Next you’ll be condemning my Pop-a-Cherry Virgin Healing Retreats.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I’m wearing your friend’s bra, right now.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

My Journey:

Success! On Oct 30th, I prepared the Mad Dog 20/20 in the traditional Toltec manner of opening the top.  I then procured nutmeg from a local spice store.  Actually, someone scored it for me; I’ve been banned.  I ingested the mixture and exited this dimensional plane of existence, stage left.  I fought the Xemmoni, the Darcarre, and the Spin Monsters to reach the spiritual representation of America—in this case, Sam Kinison.  I lost most of his teachings, because of all the yelling, but I did make out: "YOU F***ING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my ****ing records back!"

You should all begin to feel different now, somehow lighter, more-centered, more-connected to the Earth and all of its inhabitants.  Now someone post my ****ing BAIL, BITCHES!  AHHhhHhh!  AHHhhhhh!

The Ghetto "Sam" man

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SUCCESS!

Washington, DC—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath is live today from the National Mall, where an estimated "shit load" of people are arriving for the Ghetto Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  "There is mass confusion here, however, as other events seem to be occurring simultaneously," said McGrath. "There are other posters circulating, similar in design to the Shaman’s.  Not sure if this is splinter group, or a tribute, or something more sinister."

In an effort to save America, the Shaman planned to enter an alternate dimension by ingesting six Ziploc bags of ground nutmeg and six flasks of Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20. McGrath had a chance to talk to the Shaman before his departure from this realm.

The Shaman reportedly said, "Wooh hoooh, bitches!" before stumbling down the steps outside of the Lincoln Memorial into the hands of security personnel. 

Some theorize the Ghetto Shaman was doused in baby oil to lessen the friction between dimensions, whereas others believe he is just a sick bastard.  Did his altered state of consciousness allow him to complete his task?  Is our country’s soul safely back in one piece?  We may never know the truth, or at least not until Winslow makes his bail again. 

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Are You Going to The Ghetto Shaman's D.C. Rally Saturday?
Are You Going to The Ghetto Shaman's D.C. Rally Saturday? Hell no.  Too close to Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day!
Hell no. Too close to Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day!
 
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Ghetto Shaman Set to Take D.C. by Storm!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I recently received a dream message, wholly unforeseen and unexpected, to return to the National Mall in Washington without delay.  This vision summons me to D.C. for the purpose of salvaging what’s left of our fair nation’s spirit.  On October 30th, as I am free to leave the state now, I will partake in a complicated set of rituals for the purpose of soul retrieval.  This is typically done by a shaman for an individual or, in rare instances, for a tribe.  It has never, to my knowledge, been attempted on an entire country, especially one this fucked up. Make no mistake, the arduous journey I am about to embark upon is a dangerous one.  The stakes could not be higher.  I may become forever entangled in the darker realms of the Universe (like Newark) and, if I am unsuccessful, our beloved country may slide further into chaos (like, er...Newark).

If I am successful, my actions will push the world into the coveted Fifth Age of Man. Many of you thought this would not happen until 2012, but, as it turns out, the Mayans forgot to carry a one somewhere. 

Stay tuned for event details.

Your faithful and humble servant,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. As not to break my 2-year streak of answering your fool questions: yes, Jillian, I am into that.  Call me.  

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Serendrunkity and Drinkronicity
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Many believe we are subject to increasing synchronicities as we spiral toward some type of mass awakening in the near future.  I have noticed this increase in strangely linked events, but only when leveled against my own rising blood alcohol content and when dealing with old, pain in the ass pals who also happen to be fellow Discordians.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dearest Ghetto Shaman,

My apologies, but I must disengage from our relationship. My Laurel is withering in the canyon from your lack of attention. Without your spiritual enrichment to fertilize my canyon, I must find satisfaction elsewhere. I am moving to Vegas, perhaps Bald Tony's Rhythmic Séance (BTRS) can bring forth the Genie in my bottle.

A regretful goodbye, your "little flower".

Laurel Canyon



Dear Laurel,

Hey, I may not be the sharpest shaman in the sweat lodge, but I think your email is a tad suggestive.  Sorry, but that was all just pillow talk, baby.  You still have an open invitation to hit my contact button any time.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Just not tonight, I’ll be masturbating to Christine O’Donnell ads

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Is the Liberal Libido Warping Our Children?
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

As I watch my kids grow, I am often amazed at some of the things we, as a society, choose to teach our youngsters. No, I’m not just talking about The Ghetto Shaman’s column, at least this time.  But what are some of these children’s book authors smoking?  This post is a must-read if you are a parent.  Come on, people, has the Discord ever let you down before?  That was a rhetorical question.

Sage Rage: Incarceration for Dummies
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—So yeah, I’m sure this will come as a big surprise to everyone, but I’m an idiot. A big one, in fact, and not just because I’m a nearly seven-foot Viking type. I’m not going to get into the ‘why’ of it now, because I’m already hated enough but, um, I’m stuck taking a bucket-load of court-mandated classes (again), so I have to shell out a lot of cash for the thrill of being permitted to participate in this happiness (hint: never go drinking with Zano and/or a guy named Wog).

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any speaking engagements coming up?  You rock!

Gwenn

Oswego, NY



Dear Gwenn,

I do have a retreat this weekend in the woods by the 7-11.  Develop compassion for your whole self in my Baby Oil Purification Lodge.  Read selected excerpts from my books Inner Paths to Pussy and The Tao of Skullfucking by Bic-light.  Spend your days taking life-altering spiritual hikes, while I hit the bars.  Learn the art of psycho-spiritual sexting, or why not attend one of my Hide the Sacred Sausage workshops?  But don’t take my word for it.  Here’s an actual testimonial:

It’s amazing what he does and stuff.

—Iam  Boink’n’dababeage4cashbitches

See?  What are you waiting for?  Don’t let the extreme cost or your own intuition stop you from something you’ll never forget!

The Ghetto (well, not without therapy) Shaman

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Discord Seeks Mob Protection from Devo
Discord Seeks Mob Protection from Devo

Lodi, NJ—The Discord’s Bald Tony met with Frankie Vincent, of Sopranos and Goodfellas fame, to discuss their "situation" with a radicalized, extremist pop-band known as Devo. This group is threatening violence in response to intentions to destroy several Duran Duran albums during the Discord’s highly controversial event Burn Duran Day.

Bald Tony reports negotiations at an undisclosed location over pasta went well last night.

Vincent told the Discord staffer, "Consider the problem solved. They’re nerds."

Bald Tony reports the meeting was cordial but intimidating.

"I just kept thinking, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes…then, the first thing out of my mouth is, ‘so this horse’s head, Joe Pesci, and a Port Authority employee walk into a bar...’"

 It all ended well, apparently, although no one has seen or heard from Tony since Operation Cannoli went into effect yesterday evening.

"We underestimated the response," said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We had no idea how many people still liked Duran Duran. We have suspended Burn Duran Day indefinitely, and we are probably just going to go drinking instead."

When asked if any members of the Daily Discord might forge ahead with the scheduled album burning, Winslow said, "No. They really like drinking.  Besides, they’re not worried about any backlash; they just don’t finish anything they start. Take this post, for example, they were supposed to…

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Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff
Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff

Philadelphia, PA—A radicalized pop band calling themselves The People’s Republic of Devo are sticking up for the popular 80s band, Duran Duran.  They are calling for the heads of all Discord staffers in response to the ezine’s controversial decision to burn 16 copies of Rio this Saturday at the Liberty Bell Pavilion.

"They should die," said front man, Mark Mothersbaugh.  "horribly if possible.  This is an affront to Bowie the Goblin King and all things 80s.  Think about it, what would 80s night be like without Rio?  It would be as bad as a fucking 90s night, if you can imagine that."

CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is firing back—out of the side window of his Buick GNX.  "Yeah, I’m packing and I am defending my 2nd and my 18th Amendment rights."

When it was pointed out the 18th Amendment involved the repeal of prohibition, Winslow said, "Yeah…drinking, shooting, and driving.  What did you think I was talking about?"

The FBI and local law enforcement personnel are encouraging the main contributors of The Daily Discord to take this threat seriously and are suggesting they all lay low for a while.

"Just look at those orange hats," said Springfield Police Chief Clancy Wiggum.  "According to the MTV archives, they’re packing whips too.  Not to mention, they’re probably all doped up on goofballs."  

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Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!
Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!

Philadelphia, PA—In what is being hailed as "the copycat publicity stunt from hell", the Daily Discord plans to burn old Duran Duran albums en mass next Saturday.  According to inside sources, Discord staffers have accumulated 16 of the band’s albums, mostly Rio, as well as one of the bassist’s rarer solo albums (Dave Atsals is a huge fan).  Unless their demands are met, the Discord is planning this pop-pyre at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philadelphia, PA, on the anniversary of the cancellation of Celebrity Family Feud

When asked about these demands, the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, channeled a certain teen beauty queen. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, uh—"

"We will burn all of these albums onto our hard drives," cut in the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. "Muslims hate illegal downloads.  It makes them crazy…er, crazier."

He then recited a strange variation of Churchill’s speech, with lyrics such as: "We shall fight them on the bitches!" to the backdrop of his fellow Discordians belting out one of the worst renditions of Hungry Like the Wolf ever karaoked.  The unauthorized press conference ended when the Philadelphia Police Department tear gassed the lot.

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Rev. Jones agrees to halt Koran burning…
Rev. Jones agrees to halt Koran burning…provided he is permitted to kick the Dalia Lama in the nads as a consolation
...provided he is permitted to kick the Dalai Lama in the nads as a consolation
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Oh Great Ghetto Shaman,

I have been told that when your ears ring, it means that someone is talking about you behind your back. What does it mean when you get that little bit of pre-puke that coughs up into your mouth sometimes?

Thanks,

Intrigued



Dear Intrigued,

It means my...*ahem*...*ack*...excuse me, is a little too big for your mouth.  Sorry, but this line comes from a long oral tradition.  Oh, and that can make your ears ring too (or so I’m told).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Kidding, of course.  Pre-puke is the Harbinger of Hurl.  There is an old Olmec saying, "Allow the spew to drink more brew."   A wise and noble race…

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think your readers are becoming ever more skeptical of your teachings. What do you think?

Flav7

Chelsea, MI



Dear Flav7

You’re supposed to say "teachings" in quotes, like everybody else. Being a Shaman is not a popularity contest!  Thank goodness (Winslow tells me my numbers suck).  I have had profoundly mystical, life-changing experiences on a regular basis—or as the State of Pennsylvania calls them "charges."

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why are there such universal threshold guardians? People seem to encounter the same creatures in shamanic trances and under certain hallucinogens from Russia, to Mesoamerica, to the U.S. What do you make of jaguars and snakes guarding all the sacred realms and sacred places of the earth and beyond?

Jay M.

Kokomo, IN



Dear Jay,

Like the great mystic Shakespeare tells us, that which we call a bouncer by another name would still be an asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say "Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don't like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don't dare let it go." I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?

Mauled Forearms,

Onandaga, NY



Dear Mauled Forearms,

Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish.  I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point.  It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori.  Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency.  This point dawned on me amidst your work The  Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage.  It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote "Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit."

Jill Y.

Ely, NV



Dear Jill,

Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill.  But, hey, keep buying my books!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: "[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory."  As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why do you call all of your fans, bitches?  It doesn’t sound like the best way to build a readership to me.

Tommy G.

Montauk, NY



Dear Tommy,

The word bitches is simply a term of endearment, asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Mad Dog 20/20: My Guardian Spirit and I really don’t think your Skank’s Healing Dungeon is going to help anyone.   Also, Sarah Palin does not have a new Italian cookbook out called Going Ragu, and the sacred power of pyramids has nothing to do with Amway products.  If you were wondering, that’s just the corrections from the Preface.

Susan R.

Dixon, CA



Dear Susan,

Sometimes it is necessary to make retractions.  You see, enlightenment is not a stagnant thing.  One can continue to grow and share in the splendor of this wondrous unfolding Universe, only through rigorous honesty.   One must always be ready and willing to stand up and promptly admit one’s mistakes.  I think you should do that now, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

I attended your enlightenment workshops recently, Be Happy, Mother Fuckers, and I am still in therapy.  Who gave you a license to shaman, anyway?

Heidi O.

Selinsgrove, PA



Dear Heidi-Heidi Oh,

Awesome!  Well, I don’t have "credentials," per se, but I do have my second series of workshops coming up, Stay Happy, Bitches.  And, if you attended the first round, you may be eligible for a 10% discount (but there’s only 5% chance of that).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Therapy, eh?  Not only are you closer to enlightenment, Heidi, you’re creating jobs.  In this economy, I call that win-win.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any paranormal abilities, Shaman? Through an ageless creed I have wrestled the boa and dodged the skin walker on the rocky hills of my ancestors.

Biff F.

Durango, CO



Dear Bifffff,

Oh, yeah, tough guy? Well, I have watched the Apollo Creed box the Rocky Balboa, and I have even TiVo’d the Walker Texas Ranger. As far as paranormal abilities, I have near-death experiences regularly (most involve entering establishments I am currently barred from). Oh, and visiting my ancestors is pretty rocky too—with the restraining order and all.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My grandfather was one of the Navajo code talkers who used cryptography to help confound the Japanese during WWII. I want to travel to the Solomon Islands, where my grandfather was stationed, but I don’t fly.  If I choose to travel by sea, do you have any advice to help me stay safe?

Scott M.

Ship Rock, NM



Dear Scott,

Cryptography, eh?  What’s the big deal about taking pictures of Mausoleums? To answer your question, this little number always kept me safe for long voyages:

Red skies at night sailors delight.

Red sky in the morning, pass the Visine, bitch.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In an Iboga induced trance (IIT), I have contacted my Ancestral Spirits.  They have instructed me to become a contributor for the Daily Discord.  Do you need any help at this time?

Harry

Lake Grove, NY

P.S.  See, I’m already hip with those lousy acronym jokes.



Dear Harry,

A contributor, really? I think you’ve been chewing on the wrong root, my friend.  Tell your Ancestral Spirits that Winslow is impossible to work for.  Tell them, they should haunt his ass for eternity. You should consider working for a reputable e-zine, like over at NinjaLesbians.com.  I’m trying to get in with those bitches, literally.  Think about it: The Daily Discord or Ninja Lesbians?  Follow the path of the warrior…or, in this case, the naked ninja, hot girl-on-girl action, warrior.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I don’t listen to my living ancestors, let alone my dead ones.  Do I have to teach you people everything?

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Zeus's Balls Found in Malta
Zeus's Balls Found in Malta
 
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you referenced something called the Golden Age of Public Masturbatory Practices.  Whaaa?

Jon M.

Rehoboth, MD



Dear Jon,

Ah yes, GAPMP.  To fully understand this important aspect of my teachings, you would really have to join one of my weekly enlightenment jerkshops.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a shaman.  I have lived for many months with the Warao of Eastern Venezuela.  I have consumed wild tobacco, nicotiana rustica, and have had hallucinations of the origins of DNA itself! I have also spoken to the jaguar.  You do a disservice to our ilk.

Tye

Tuba City, AZ



Dear Tye,

Yeah, well I’ve eaten cigarettes and driven around hallucinating about TNA. And I didn’t have to go all the way to Venezuela to talk to my car, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case
Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case

Vatican City, um, Vatican City – According to Discord sources, Jesus Christ, alias "Dave," was recently issued a subpoena in the ongoing Catholic Church child molestation investigation. As the "Christ" figure in the "Vicar of Christ" moniker, he is being painted as the kingpin of an organized child molestation community.

"’Suffer the little children cum unto me [Luke 18:16]’? I think that says it all," stated Hymie Fez, Chief Lawsuit Filer. "On top of that, he’s the guy that appointed that Pope…um…accomplice."

At a minimum, the Savior is in grave danger of losing his position as hiring manager.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, did some seedy investigation and turned up some publicly known evidence. Apparently Jesus and his alleged father were behind a series of nine, mass ride-through slashings beginning in 1095.

"We also have him tied to some 278,000 counts of the sale of indulgences," said Fez. "Imagine a guy in his position being stupid enough to get into petty number-running."

The FBI, in conjunction with Interpol, are setting up a series of sting operations in order to capture this fiend. Every month there is a landslide of reports of pictures of the culprit in places like potato chips, cheese sandwiches, and insane asylums, but the Lord is proving to be evasive. This has led to the formation of vigil-ente patrols.

"We get leads from the media," remarked  Wil Gettum, leader of the vigil-ente organization. "We hear that he’ll be in town every now and then. Cosmic alignments, comet-passings, and big-shit droppings all bring in a lot of reports. But he has yet to show himself."

Until concrete evidence comes to light, the vigil-ente community will be spending a lot of time in church.

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In an Effort to Elude Authorities the Pope Ducks Behind this Holy Prop
In an Effort to Elude Authorities the Pope Ducks Behind this Holy Prop
 
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wrestling with what to do about my mother’s failing health. She is getting up there in years but the idea of a nursing home scares her.  I’m just not ready for this, but I fear she might be.  Thoughts?

Sandy E.

Sierra Vista, AZ



Dear Sandy,

Good news! I would like to announce the grand opening of my new nursing home in northern Arizona, a land sacred to my bartenders.  My nature nursing home retreat can accommodate any number of elderly folk.  Heck, they stack like cord wood.  During the summer months, my program focuses on Sweat Lodging and, for the winter months, I have designed a series of meditations to increase body temperature despite the extreme cold. At my roadside culvert for the aged, I will always be available for your loved one (or at least at the bar across the street).  If suffering is the key to enlightenment, then this program is surely strife in the fast lane

No senior citizen discounts for obvious reasons.

The Ghetto Shaman

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To Protect Against Church Abuses...
To Protect Against Church Abuses...kids taught difference between good sacrament, bad sacrament
kids taught difference between good sacrament, bad sacrament
 
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t and I tried to smoke the houseplants you suggested and i'm not sure you should be encouraging that sort of thing. Oh, and in Chapter 4, what exactly is a blue root boinger?

Donald8



Dear Donald,

What...? You didn't see the disclaimer? Good. You shouldn't read those things. As for your question, let’s just say, it’s a blue root and the Missus won’t complain for about 12 hours. Any longer than that, consult your physician immediately.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ghetto Shaman,

Shamanistic practices are demonic in nature.  A Shaman can open doors, but these doors are not so easily closed. You are toying with some dark practices, sorcerer, practices that can lead to death, possession, or other types of occult bondage.

Susan I.

Moab, UT



Dear Susan,

Oh, you’re no fun anymore.  You do have a point, though.  When I come home really drunk and kick in my front door, it’s really hard to close the next day.  Oh, and on that note, check out one of my favorite lesbian link partners at occultbondage.com.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you Mayan?   You look Mayan.  Did you ever have festivals to honor the Feathered Serpent when you were a kid back in Maya?

Ben

Oshkosh, WI



Dear Ben,

I’m old, but not thousands of years old.  Er…Maya? There was a Seven Deadly Sins Festival held each year in my hometown.  Each day would honor one of the coveted deadly sins.  The festival was actually only six days, though, because no one ever got around to organizing Sloth Day.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You tend to glorify alcohol consumption.  I think you are missing the bus here.  The Dalai Lama once said, "Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

Gail

Rolla, MO



Dear Gail,

Mwwaaaah?  Is it not Ozzy Osbourne who once said, "Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus." 

Check and mate…

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is a psychoactive herb?

Tina

Phoenix, AZ



Dear Tina,

I think it’s the guy I get my shrooms from…

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I checked out a really fascinating website on Shamans the other day and saw something about Leveling Shamans.  There’s one thing I didn’t understand.  This site recommended Enhancement for most encounters, but only after level 40.  What does this mean?

Freddie 9



Dear Freddie,

Ahhh, I believe that’s a World of Warcraft reference. You mean to tell me, you perused the entire website and you didn’t figure this out?  The most beautiful story in the Universe is that of the Bodhisattva—an enlightened being, who could shift beyond this world at any time, but chooses instead to stay behind to help every person, every animal, and even every rock attain enlightenment.  I think you could make even a Bodhisattva say, fuck it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Fuck it.  (See?)

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I love your work.  But what do you think that freaky Norway cloud spiral was last month?  I heard thousands of people witnessed this image in the night sky.  Is it some alien Fibonaccian message?  Does it tie in with Mayan Cosmogenesis?  What could create such a freakishly large display?  Do you have any idea?

Vie

Medford, OR



Dear Vie,

The Ghetto Shaman uses his psionic powers

No…

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

During your last sweat lodge retreat Sex Sauna Sunday, you told the survivors that you never forget a face, because you have the memory of a hippopotamus.  Didn’t you mean the memory of an elephant?

Stephanie

Mechanicsburg, PA



Dear Stephanie,

Whatever… But anyway, glad you made it, kid.  You are a true warrior.  Now don’t forget my workshop next Thursday: Discover Your Gifts and Abilities at the Expense of Others.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wondering about the significance of a personal vision quest as it relates to the greater shamanic tradition.

Ralph

Sioux City, IA



Dear Ralph,

I think Vision Quest is that eyeglass place where you can get your prescription lenses back within an hour.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a member of the Gender Inequality Project, and I read your book The Universe Loves You More than You Know: Especially If You Pass Out at One of My Parties and my group is considering legal actions to stop you and your ‘so called’ teachings.  I am also very curious as to the reason behind your popularity in the first place. 

Karla

Soho, NY



Dear Karla,

I don’t mind inequality, just as long as it’s done fairly. You should come to one of my parties, Karla.  In fact, bring over your whole lesbo crew!  Tell those bitches to drink up and pass out in my Kamaslutra video room.  Oh, and BYOB.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Authenticity Through Faking Orgasms, somewhere in Chapter four, entitled Inner Wisdom Inner Twat, it dawned on me, you have deep-seated, unresolved issues with women.  It is as if you are taking a big dump along the mystical path.

John

Framingham, MA



Dear John,

Shit Crappens…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Read my seventh book Liberation Through Defecation, particularly chapter three, The Fart of War.  Now contemplate the sound of one cheek farting. 

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman.  During an exotic soul retrieval last Saturday night, I journeyed to the Lowerworld and mistakenly tapped into some very dark spirits.  Mistakes were made and, as a result, I may need to enlist the help of a fellow Shaman to return to the Lowerworld and retrieve what I have now lost.

Nagual Miguel

State College, PA



Dear Nagual,

If I understand you correctly, you were looking for some Thai Hookers in the Rathskeller this weekend.  Instead, you found some stout beer on draft that went down a little too well, if you follow.  So you ended up getting into a fight, you got barred, and/or the bar staff still has your credit card.  Been there, done that… 

I believe I can help.  And by help I mean, beat you to the bar, steal your identity, and buy me a bitching jet ski.  Just send me your birthday and SS# and I will get right on this. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman  

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Hey,

If you’re so smart, how come in your book A Shamans Wisdom: Stop Limiting Your Spiritual Practice to Pot and Alcohol you left out the possessive in the title?  I would hang a dead chicken outside of your editor’s front door, dude.

Jack

Susanville, CA



Dear Jack,

I did not leave out the possessive!  If a loved one becomes possessived by evil spirits, you can regain control in chapter five of my latest work: Calling Upon the Power of Your Ancestors to Fuck with People. Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I know when I’ve found the right teacher?  There are so many fakes and charlatans out there.  This is a big deal.  Any suggestions?  

Staci

West Bend, WI



Dear Staci,

Choosing the right teacher is one of the biggest decisions of your life!  The right teacher traditionally strings half-eaten chicken wings around his neck and smells of alcohol.  And remember, the first step in the journey to self-discovery begins with my latest philosophical treatise: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a truth seeker like yourself, but the truth keeps eluding me.  I always feel like I’m on the cusp of figuring something out, but invariably it slips away again.  I only seem to catch glimpses of something bigger than myself. Any suggestions, medicine man?

Charlie

Ocala, FL



Dear Charlie,

I saw your enclosed picture Charlie and, er…I’m not sure there is anything bigger than yourself.  But, as the sutras teach us, the truth is ungraspable.  Unless you manage to sneak up on the truth, grab it around the waist, and slap it on the ass.  Waving a cowboy hat over your head and making the truth say, “who’s your daddy” can also help.  But otherwise the truth is ungraspable, is my point. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Out here near Seattle, there is a very nice retreat house on Whidbey Island that welcomes all faiths. Could the Ghetto Shaman host a retreat here in the Seattle area?

Phillip

Seattle, WA



Dear Phillip,

I arrange everything through my agent.  But I don’t have an agent.  So no.   An island, you say, hmmmn.  I’ll tell you what, you bring the chicks of all faiths and I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was unfortunate enough to have attended one of your ‘Sin-posiums’ over at Raystown the other night.  During your longwinded infomercial on something called a Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs, you kept going on about the ‘foosball gestalt buggers’ as if everyone in the audience knew what the hell you were talking about, and, well, what the hell were you talking about?

Kurt Martins

Jersey Shore, PA



Dear Kurt,

I remember you.  You were that dick, right?  The foosball gestalt buggers, hmmmn.  You’re going to have to be more specific.  Do you remember how I used the term in context?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ghetto Shaman,

The Bible tells us God was Isaiah, God was Jesus, God was King Solomon, God was Jonah and the whale. God is present in each and every corner of this vast Universe, but nowhere, sir, do I see God present in you! You are a fraud and a crank!

Michael Barren

Fergus Falls, MN



Dear Michael,

Actually the Crank is the guy with the old gorilla at the top of his column.  I’m the guy with the half-eaten chicken bones around my neck, an honest mistake.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  It would take huffing three kitchens worth of cleaning products before I could understand how God could be both Jonah and the whale.  I will consider that a challenge, sir.  And I will let you know.

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Your Insistence, Fair Reader, that I’m Glum and Hopeless Makes Me Want to Shoot My Face Off
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are getting some feedback here at Discord Central and, though it pains me to admit it, not all of it is good.  People are starting to comment on my sinicism.

To my critics I say, “how could I be synical if I can’t even spell the word?”

Despite the mountain of facts to the contrary, more and more readers feel I am pessimistic, dark, and, according to at least one Crank, prone to bouts of verbal diarrhea (which doesn’t even make sense in this venue).  Today, here and now, I hope to dispel these unfounded rumors.  Think of this post as a short-term, blog-cleansing diet.  I have taken and solved many of the challenges we humans face in the early 21st century, and, more importantly, I’ve placed these solutions into an easily digestible table format.  Click on the Read More button and, well, read more…

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hello, I am an attractive twenty six year old Yoga instructor.  I am striving for complete inner and outer harmony.  Striving seems to have led me into a blind alley for the moment.  Can you help me?

Pam Nystrom

Johnstown, PA



Dear Pam,

I believe I can.  Bend over, I’ll strive. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your attempt at a “sequel” to His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness is truly appalling.  The Fart of Crappiness is an affront to all Buddhists. Actually, it’s an affront to all people!  You have missed each and every major point of Buddhist mysticism. If I ever run into you in a dark alley it will be a true test for me to ‘harm none.’

Gary Kissel

Monroe, LA



Dear Gary,

Indeed, at the heart of all Zen lies a staggering contradiction.   I am such a contradiction.  No I’m not.  See?   Hope this helps. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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McMahon Replaces St. Peter! First Job: Heeeeeeere’s Michael!

Ed McMahon’s only regret is dying two days after Farrah Fawcett.

“Oh, I would have welcomed her to heaven with open arms…Heeeere’s Farrah!  It would have been glorious,” joked McMahon.

He also reports his first job went smoothly enough.

“Michael Jackson gave me a high five and moon walked into paradise.”

God has apparently grown bored with St. Peter, whose own greeting ‘Hi Ho’ was dull and kind of a Kermit the Frog rip off.  In fact, Jim Henson thought the greeting was personalized for him and has since been bitching about copyright violations.

“Besides,” said God. “When you spend a lifetime trying to do the right thing, you should be greeted to heaven with, well, Ed does it best.”

God admits that Ed McMahon was slated to die in 2012 but a recent argument with St. Peter forced God’s hand, so to speak.

“The new job is great,” claims McMahon, but he admits to some early glitches.  The other day he greeted Billy Mays as, “Here’s that Oxy Clean guy.”  Mays was not amused.  McMahon admits there are still some bugs to work out. “And St. Peter’s is still being kind of a dick about the whole thing.”

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often.  My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.

Wayne LeRoy

Garfield, NJ



Dear Wayne,

Good riddance to the bitch.  See?  You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken.  Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything!  Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently paid Pay Pal for one of your on-line ‘classes’ on Long Distance Healing.  I am physically very ill and money is tight.  To pay you over a hundred dollars, that I didn’t have, just to tell me to switch from Alltel to Verizon?!  There are peoples' lives at stake here, you low life, bastard!

Phil Bower

Gilroy, CA



Dear Phil,

Don't speak. I know just what you're saying so please stop explaining. Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

…Really, dude, just shut the hell up.  The family plan on Verizon is much cheaper than the one you use.  You could use that savings to drink yourself to death.  Just a thought.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Enlightenment seems such a mystery to me. The ego must be strong before it is destroyed? Striving for enlightenment is a barrier to enlightenment itself? There are so many ‘sound of one hand clapping’ type paradoxes that the main point keeps eluding me.

Dedra Farley

Tempe, AZ



Dear Dedra,

Very true, Dedra. At the heart of Zen are confounding paradoxes designed to help focus the mind. For example, to the untrained eye, even I myself may appear like an addicted amoral opportunistic, criminal-minded type, but in actuality, er……all right, bad example.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Proof of Jurassic Ark?
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Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Waffle Shop, recently challenged the Creation Museum of Petersburg, KY, to produce “any shred of proof” to support their claim that dinosaurs co-existed with man.  A picture, depicted above, arrived several weeks later with a short letter condemning Dr. Sterling Hogbein, the Daily Discord, and, for some reason, the entire infield of the Florida Marlins. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, using his controversial ‘enhanced archeological techniques,’ conducted several tests on the image and claims his inability to disprove the picture’s authenticity “proves nothing save my own painful incompetence!”

How the Creation Museum’s picture is believed to support the notion that man and dinosaurs coexisted shortly before the time of Jesus remains unclear. The shadow of a toy dinosaur appears in the foreground of the image to the backdrop of a cartoonish figure, something in the Hanna Barbera family, possibly Scooby-Do.  Dr. Hogbein believes it resembles Freddie’s cousin, who only appeared in one or two episodes.  A second theory has surfaced which identifies the image as the lead male from Josie and the Pussycats.  “Our investigation is still in the preliminary stages,” explained Hogbein.  “We haven’t even ruled out Freddie himself, but the no-ascot-thing has us flummoxed.” Although the aged archeologist admitted that identifying DNA from an animated figure is “tricky business,” Hogbein remains hopeful that a positive ID will be discovered. Due to his recent ill-fated trip to the heartland, Dr. Hogbein is now suing the Creation Museum for the price of the entrance ticket, gas, and other travel expenses involving prostitutes.   Dr. Hogbein has added a severance package to his legal claim for hardships suffered during the excursion, or, as his lawyer put it: “being subjected to inner Kentucky for no legitimate purpose.”

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Jurassic Ark?
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Petersburg, KY—Evangelicals have wrestled with the mounds of overwhelming Bible-conflicting data that dinosaurs roamed the Earth long before Jesus.  To their credit, some of these Christianists have successfully married vast quantities of conflicting dogma. You can learn all about these stunning revelations with a two day pass to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY.  The price tag is only $29.95, which is recommended, because it’s a lot of bullshit to swallow in just one day.  Creation Museumists posit that two of each dinosaur went with Noah on his fateful journey to Atlantis (OK, I never read the Bible, but I have rented Life of Brian twice).  The museum even features a saddled dinosaur that kids can ride, just like Jesus did (like Jesus would ever pay the cover).

Who could forget when Jesus said, “Blessed are the Meekasaurs.”

What compounds the Creation Museum’s Jurassic Ark Theory (JAT) is the recent discovery of some super-sized dinosaurs in South America, circa 100 million years ago (Christian translation = last Tuesday).  The average brontosaurus is about the size of four elephants, but Argentinosaurus was apparently the biggest land animal ever and was closer to one of those Lord of the Rings’ Olyphants.  To house two of each kind of these newly discovered monsters, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Humidor, estimates Noah’s Ark would have to be “really fucking big.”

Dr. Hogbein, most known for his anthropological binge drinking, also had this to say: “Argentinosaurus, no doubt, posed some engineering challenges for Noah that could only be explained by divine intervention.  Oh…”

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just read your book entitled Open Your Body, Mind, and Wallet and let me say this, sir: spirit guides are not pubcrawl organizers, there is no such thing as a double-vision quest, and soul extractions have nothing to do with removing one’s shoe from another person’s ass.  You are a drunk and a charlatan, sir!

Jay Compiretti

Haymarket, VA



Dear Jay,

Go back and read the chapter on ‘open your mind’ again.  I think somebody skipped that part. What we attack in others are really characteristics we do not like about our selves.  Remember the old saying…I am rubber, you’re a dick.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ode to Nunchaku
Ode to Nunchaku...How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read somewhere that people can smoke dung?   What’s this all about?

Sincerely,

Jack Tibolla

South Bend, Indiana



Dear Carl,

At times I have not had shit to smoke—beyond that it is sensationalism.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Easter Special Edition:
Jesus Lives!

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the "gimme gimme's", the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He's trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”

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POSITION DESIRED: PRESIDENT OF THE DISCORD NATION
By Dave Atsals
EDUCATION:

Faber College, PA: BS in Education (social sciences), with minors in marketing, industrial safety. BS, and a master’s degree in Anatomy by Brail.

POSITION DESIRED: ADVISOR TO THE INTEGRAL WARLORD
By Pokey McDooris
EDUCATION:

Faber College, PA. BA in Philosophy with a minor in Claymation Pornography.

Unemployment Compensation for Dummies
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Only in Pennsylvania, although I doubt it, can you break a state law when you’re working, be convicted, and still collect unemployment compensation if terminated for this transgression.

The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Survival Guide
  1. Continue to procreate, you may need to eat your young
  2. Watch Survivor Man and remember which bugs are edible
  3. Start planting food now, like lasagna trees (are Hot Pockets annual or perennial?)
See All 10...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With the current economic crises, I may only be purchasing one book this year.  Any thoughts?  Oh, and what exactly is Midget Reiki?

Yours truly,

Fred Callahan



Dear Fred,

You should wait for my next book Vomiting the Vedic and Other Gastral Projections.  It will change your life.  Oh, and as for Midget Reiki, the Discord only pays me to answer one question a week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This may be a hard question, but could you come up with one quote that captures the essence of your teachings?  I am really seeking some ‘meaning of life’ stuff and have admired and respected your work for a long time. 

Sincerely,

Jackson Stoltz

Bakersfield, CA



Dear Jackson,

Clearly the most moving statement comes near the end of my work entitled The Spiritual Art of Skull Fucking wherein I tell the feathered serpent: “You haven’t lived until you have performed Der Ring des Nibelungen naked.” 

I hope this helps…

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am very disappointed in a book I read of yours entitled:  Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way.  I think you are a tad off-message here, and, as a parent, I think the world would be a better place without your ‘teachings.’

Pam Stengle

Taos, NM



Dear Pam,

What? only a tad off??  My teachings and my master have taught me not to react to criticism personally….bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Putting the Mental Back in Fundamentalism
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Your assessment of fundamentalism is as flawed as your pal the ghetto shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise (never again, by the way).  You insist that there are elements of traditionalism that are fundamental to our continued evolvement as a species.  Whereas this is inherently true, few, if any of these societal guidelines needs be legislated by our marred and battered legal system. What our laws need to focus on in the twenty-first century is mutual respect and mutual respect alone…you know, Ron Paul country.  If the spirit of mutual respect can be infused through our laws and our legal system (sorry, that’s too funny) then and only then will we retain this foundation of which you speak.  By respecting each stage and each level, and by allowing each individual to remain precisely where they are in the spectrum, is all that is necessary.  All the way from our Crank Manifesto’s orange/blue rants to our Ghetto Shaman’s…ahh, you know, I can’t actually figure that guy out.  By the way, the Ghetto Shaman has moved to Florida and is sending us his ‘column’ each week on badly stained bar coasters.  

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Mr. Ghetto Shaman,

You are a disgrace!  I read what I could stomach of your latest degenerative drivel, Spiritual Healing Through Sex with Me, and I am just wondering how you could possibly sleep at night, you sick bastard?

Tanya Moore

Yuma, AZ



Dear Tanya,

If you had read my entire work, you would know how I sleep at night.  Re-read my chapter on drunken orgasms entitled: The Mad-Dog Dharma Cums.

Sinbeerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am seeking to expand my current level of consciousness through meditative disciplines, and I just came upon your work entitled A Map to Ecstasy.  I don’t understand--it is page after page of street maps with an X-marks-the-spot-kind of thing in the middle. What is the significance?

Josh Compton

Hagerstown, MD



Dear Josh,

This isn’t a goddamn riddle, homeboy. If you want ecstasy, go to the X (with cash).  Tell em’ all I sent you for a possible discount, or a possible bullet.  The footnotes explain when to mention my name and when to wear body armor.  It couldn’t be clearer, putz.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Hitch is Not Great: How Rationalists Are Wrong About One Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

During my recent interview with Christopher Hitchens, which occurred without his knowing, we—or more accurately, I—discussed his most recent book: God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.  I originally titled this article “Hooray for the Hate-Monger Christopher Hitchens,” but my colleagues eventually nixed that idea.  Still squeamish about my recent Copenhagen foray into political cartooning, I heeded their advice.  I do, in all sincerity, applaud Christopher Hitchens, as both a journalist and a thinker.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the vast majority of his acerbic ruminations on any number of subjects. It is hard to argue with a rationalist, because they, by their very nature, tend to be…er, rational.  However, I cannot endorse the views he espouses in God Is Not Great, nor do I intend to stray into the dubious realms of irrationality.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw the words Iboga and Cannabis Society scrawled on the restroom door at the Genetti Hotel the other day. Are you behind this association? If so, what is this movement all about?

David Counsel

Muncy, PA



Dear David,

First off, I do not scrawl things on bathroom stalls! I make my girlfriend do it. Second, the Cannabis and Iboga Society is, well, the best way to put it…er, it’s a grass-roots organization (literally). For more information, see my mission statement in its entirety in the second stall of the women’s restroom (under the phrase Bibbs is a troll lover).

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you really a healer?  I am a married man suffering from a severe dissociative disorder. I often lose chunks of time when my deviant alter takes control of my body and sends me night after night to the local red light district.

Sincerely,

Steven Jones



Dear Steven,

If your wife is buying this crapola, what’s the problem?  Pork away, pal.   Shame about the memory loss.  Now don’t forget to channel that positive kuntalini energy into your fart chakra.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Burger King Mascot Linked to Night Terrors in Children
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A growing number of children equate the Burger King Mascot with extreme fear and anxiety.  According to one recent study, the negative impact on dream content is unquestionable.

“He just creeps me out,” says Sarah Jones of Prescott, AZ. “Why didn’t they just go with a clown or something?”

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Jesus’ Agenda Found!
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In a cave near Tikrit, Iraq, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Brasserie, has unearthed a scroll revealing Jesus’ agenda. “This is huge,” claims Dr. Hogbein, “like the ‘second coming’ all over again.”

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear ghetto Shaman,

I am a fellow shaman and find myself confused, even appalled, by some of your teachings. I too have spoken to the spirit plants. They almost universally implore us to avoid alcohol, sugar, salt, and even sex, so how do you justify your last ‘healing retreat’ entitled: Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.

Sincerely,

Lamas Gitomachus



Dear Lamas,

There are many different plants and, therefore, many different interpretations. Perhaps you are not as enlightened as you claim. Next you’ll be knocking my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Why don’t you try listening to cannabis sometime, Medicine Man, preferably with a bag of chips. 

The Ghetto Shaman.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Enter the Ghetto Shaman
By Pokey McDooris

Traditional shamanic practices employ chanting, dancing, sweat lodge and fasting to induce altered states of consciousness. Long ago, cave dwellers created these rituals to achieve insight and wisdom. With guidance from ‘plant spirits,’ shaman priests discovered roots, vines, cacti, and mushrooms that, when ingested, stimulated the nervous system, allowing access to perceptions of abnormal frequencies of consciousness.

Sexism, Paganism and the Lost Gospel of Moe
By Pokey McDooris and Mick Zano

Christianity remains shadowed by the sexist authoritative indoctrination that fueled the establishment of the Orthodox Church for centuries. We must come to terms with our religion’s shady history in order to cleanse our psyches from any prejudices that inhibit the authentic experience of compassion, love, God and barely legal Japanese anime.

Dalai Discord Recruits Lama!
Dalai Discord Recruits Lama! In related news, Dalai Lama's Wisdom Questioned
In related news, Dalai Lama's Wisdom Questioned
 
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Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
More Videos...
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After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A
After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A, What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
 
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Atheism: It’s What’s for Last Supper
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So how does a guy deeply interested in spirituality end up championing the coming Age of Atheism? Oh, it’s easy, especially when you’re a spoof news "journalist". But, before we get started, excuse me while a sacrifice this goat on this pentagram. Pokey, you are that goat.

After "No Hell" Bomb, Pope Tweets "And the Bible's Kind of a Shit Show"
After "No Hell" Bomb, Pope Tweets "And The Bible's Kind of a Shit Show"

Vatican City—His holiness The Pope angered most of his followers today after another "drunk tweeting" session that left many questioning their faith. The Tweet, which was immediately deleted by the Vatican, stated, "Why don't more of you throw beads when I'm on the balcony? Where's the love?"

The Pope is barely recovering from his controversial decision to unfriend the Dalai Lama last week on Facebook, after posting, "Someone says they're my friend but they're really not! You will find out soon what I mean."

The Pope claims his controversial online behavior is not contradictory at all. "I can't make heads or tails of The Bible, lots of smiting and killing and genocide. Hell, if I want that shit I'll read the Koran."

The Pope is downplaying what is coming to be called his "Blood of Christ" tweeting. "I don't overindulge when I'm online, I'm more of a weekend crusader."

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God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax
God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax

Heaven—God is back peddling today as a leaked memo to several archangels and the Pope suggest the Christian deity is "cooking the books" on climate change. The memo suggests God is manipulating data by either heating or cooling NOAA weather buoys depending on "my mood".

In a rare act of nonpartisanship, republicans and democrats alike condemned the supreme beings actions as "messed up".

"Thou shalt not accuse me of being an environmentalist!" boomed God during a press conference. "You never heard of an ‘act of God?’ It’s not a hoax if I actually make it happen! You want to see a real hoax, you should see what I have planned for Bigfoot next year. That’s been the best game of hide and seek ever...granted, moving Hoffa’s body around all these years is a close second."

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God Furious Over Latest Discord Cartoon
God Furious Over Latest Discord Cartoon
 
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Congregation Still a Little Cross Over Pastor Prank
Congregation Still a Little Cross Over Pastor Prank
 
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Vatican Sets up Special Child Abuse Committee
Vatican Sets Up Special Child Abuse Committee, Nobody expects the Catholic Indiscretions!
Nobody expects the Catholic Indiscretions!
 
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The Popes Come Out! Demand to Be Married in Church!
The Popes Come Out! Demand to be Married in Church! Wonder twins powers activate! Form of Papal!
Wonder twin powers activate! Form of Papal!
 
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Return of Squidthulhu!
Squidthulhu! For those three Spongebob/Lovecraft fans out there
For those three Spongebob/Lovecraft fans out there
 
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Ask the Ghetto Shaman
Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one reach a deep and spiritually meaningful altered state of consciousness?

Tim the Enlightner



Dear Tim,

Try huffing paint thinner during one of the alternate universe episodes of the TV show Fringe.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or...no, that's the only way.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I need some help! I need to cleanse my life-funked chakras, Shaman man. Wax on, wax off.

Jasmine



Dear Jasmine,

I can recommend several techniques. All of my latest breakthrough procedures are covered in my latest book Misguided Meditations: The Art of Quantum Pimping.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Skip Chapter 7: Drumming Circle Jerk. Seriously, this is at the request of my lawyer.

Ask your question, bitch...
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God Targeting the Tea Party with Hail and Shit
God Targeting the Tea Party with Hail and Shit

Granbury, TX—In a flurry of meteorological wrath, God unleashed hail, lightening, and high winds this week on predominately Republican neighborhoods as he looked on with his patented indifference.

"I don’t like the bastards," explained God. "They’re hypocrites. Don’t say you’re doing shit in my name when you’re doing the exact opposite."

When God was asked about the potential for going all ‘Noah flood’ or ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ on their asses, God replied, "Noah options are off the table." He then laughed at his own joke, loudly. "Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this, but I always target Tea Party and Republican neighborhoods. Square states are Darwin’s shooting range."

When asked about ideological incompatibilities, God said, "I love Darwin, the monkey loving F&*K. But do not cut that Noah pun out, Winslow! I can still smite shit!"

When asked about the fairness of targeting entire towns for the poor behavior of a few, God said, "Sure you’re going to get some liberal collateral damage. There are known knowns, things we know that we know, known unknowns, Hah! Damn I miss Rumsfeld. Shame he’s heading south. Truth be told, I don’t really care for people in general. I believe I made that clear in the Old Testament."

As an omnipotent being, God’s Rumsfeld quote makes little sense in the context of....Aaaaaaah!!

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Only a 15% chance you just ate cat
 
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My Life in Retail: Part One
By The Crank
The Crank

As I think about my life, my thoughts turn to the whole "Legacy" thing. What do I actually leave with my friends and relatives when Momzilla pulls me kicking and screaming into the next world? Will people even remember me 15 minutes after I’m gone? Probably not, with the exception of Mikko passing a rag over his forehead and saying "whew, thank Darwin that’s over."

The Cycle of Wife
The Cycle of Wife She starts off horny and then someone always gets hurt
She starts off horny and then someone always gets hurt
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Man,

Why can't we all live in a spiritual-based-society where everything is fair and people help each other?

David



Dear David,

Just because I'm a Shaman, it doesn't mean I'm an idiot, you damn hippie. Look, most people don't want to give up what they have, but if you do, I need a new a liver. Don't worry, it can be a communal liver.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m Catholic so to ask a Shaman a question seems a bit counter intuitive, but I do believe that we are all energy and some New Age “hooey” resonates with me. Also, I don’t feel the Church is in alignment with the teachings of Christ.

Ned Flanders



Hi diddly ho neighborino!

Yes, we are energy and that is why Red Bull is the Nectar of the Gods. Oh, and if Jesus visited the Vatican today, he would Guy Fawkes that shit. Just sayin'.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

We have this life to overcome all of the attachments that you seem to advocate. Have you ever been to the rainforests of South America? Have you ever met a real Shaman?

Bardo



Dear Bardo,

Sorry, only one question per customer. I will answer your first question: no, I haven't, but I have been to the Peruvian Amazon.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stressed out! Yoga not working! Help!

J



Dear J,

Have you purchased any of my relaxation CDs, like Harnessing the Power of Anxiety? Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. As seen on Jitter and Pacebook. Or, why not try some life-affirming body shots down at your local pub?

You’ll be glad you did.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. It's also the time of year to grab a Guinness. Have you ever seen a stressed out leprechaun?

Ask your question, bitch...
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Pope Seeks Retirement Advice from Emperor Palpatine
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Vatican City–The Return to the Papal Side. On Monday, February 11th, Pope Benedict XVI looked out his window, saw his shadow, and promptly announced there would only be two more weeks of his papacy. As the Pope scurried back into his chambers, many were left plagued with questions. The job of being Pope is a lifetime commitment much like owning a pet, serving as a Supreme Court Justice...or, as I have come to discover, certain Discord internships.

Pope Banished to the Forbidden Zone
Pope Banished to the Forbidden Zone

Forbidden Zone—Pope "Benedict Arnold" has had a drastic change in his retirement plan. As soon as he abdicated his power, he was surrounded by armed Bishops and the last of the Knights Templar before being ushered into a clandestine chamber deep in the Vaticave. There, Pope Benedict the Whatshisface, was given a choice. He could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone, or he could pack his Papal backpack and be banished to the Forbidden Zone to destroy the One Pope Ring.

The Pope pleaded for other choices, not the least of which involved Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume. He also asked to stay in the janitor’s closet on the first floor of the Passeto, then the table under one of the rape rooms, and finally His Homelessness begged to live out his last days on a St. Peter’s Square bench in the hopes of capturing one of the doves he’d released for sustenance.

In the end, his Holiness the Nope was sent into the Forbidden Zone south of Vatican City, where Dr. Zaius warns us, "He will find his destiny...but he better not try that ‘my precioussss’ crap! He needs to burn that thing so Obama can mint a trillion dollar coin!"

There was a point to this post, originally.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Advice please. I’m thinking about using eHarmony or Christian Mingle for some online dating, but there’s disturbing stuff in the news right now and I am concerned about venturing out into the world of E-dating.

Gale



Dear Gale,

Look no further, I have collaborated with the folks at Christian Mingle to create BibleThumperHumper.com. It’s good for all of your spiritual and nookie-related-needs (NRN).

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Don’t worry, it’s not case sensitive. And they made me put in the lousy acronym joke. Fascists

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Angered by the Pope's Resignation God Fires Warning Shot Across Our Bow
Angered by the Pope's Resignation God Fires Warning Shot Across Our Bow
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started this with Dear Douchebag, so if it says "Dear Ghetto Shaman" above this, I knew it!!

Gerbs



Dear Douchebag,

Never go up against an established columnist with the power of editorial license. And please pick up a copy of my latest book Expressing Gratitude Through Violence at no additional discount to you.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. You're supposed to ask a question, douchebag.  See?  You can't win.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your favorite movie and what is your favorite book?

Becca



Dear Becca,

My favorite movie of all time is Frankenhooker and my favorite book of all time...well, someone should write a book about the movie Frankenhooker.

The Ghetto Shaman

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NASA Finally Tracking Quetzalcoatl’s Progress!
"You've Got a Friend in Cheez-it" Campaign Causes Controversy

Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner...and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or "the other three Fs" as they are known to Mayan psychologists.

NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, "With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker."

NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.

"It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa," said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. "Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah."

Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, "I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something."

Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.

"That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends," said Bone. "So no harm done."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How will you remember 2012?

Yazzie



Dear Yazzie,

I think this picture below really sums things up for me. Only in my version of reality Peppermint Patty was naked and Lucy wasn’t. Weird, huh?

The Ghetto Shaman

Charlie Brown Adic Trip
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Homeland Security Bans Seven of Ten Ghetto Shaman New Year's Resolutions
Homeland Security Bans Seven of Ten Ghetto Shaman New Year's Resolutions, The FDA bans the other three
The FDA bans the other three
 
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you were arrested again, and/or in rehab.

Deuce



Dear #2,

Consider your source! Trying to stay in tune with The Discord's new level of journalistic integrity, I was arrested trying to protect my source...and for throwing a tequila bottle at arresting officers. But my source is protected, because, man, he sells the best weed in town, MFs.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I know you've said I tend to send you even more material from jail, Mr. Winslow, but this time I'm going on strike until I meet bail. (hint, hint.) Remember, it's not enabling if it brings about real meaningful change.

"I can change, I swear."

-Bob Dylan

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you thought about your New Years resolutions?

Migo



Dear Migo,

No, my tradition involves making end of the year resolutions. This way it's not much of a commitment, so if you don't follow them it's no big deal.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Remember, this year it's not too late to make your end of the world resolutions.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hallucinogens are finally being recognized in modern western science as beneficial to certain mood disorders. These plant spirits have always been used in ceremonial rituals for tens of thousands of years, and I believe they can actually bring forth things from other realms.

Oceal



Dear Oceal,

Agreed! They do bring forth things from other realms! Like the contents of my stomach onto the bathroom wall and floor....although mostly the wall. I realize that's counter-intuitive, but that's the plant spirits and tequila for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one remain in a state of grounded ever present awareness when your wife is being such a bitch!

Dan



Dear Dan,

We don't have to react to content, Dan. That is the key. This will enrage your wife, of course, so keep the number for Adult Protective Services handy. They really despise that aloof meditative half-smile as well, so protect your face.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Did you watch how, on election night, Karl Rove calmly accepted his colleague's statement that Obama had won Ohio? That man has truly cleared and opened all of his chakras! He has shifted consciousness itself way up through the sphincter of blissful propaganda.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Isn’t shamanism simply some misguided romanticism? Isn’t it a rejection of progress via the teachings of a primitive, often savage form of tribalism?

Cindy



Dear Cindy,

Well, it is the way I do it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. At the risk of sharing too much, when you said "primitive" and "savage" I got a little wood.

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Checkout Ertel: Express Lane Only
By Ertel
Ertel

It started off like any other grocery store excursion, but I had spent the week leading up to this trip in preparation. Long, sleepless nights spent staring intently at a blank notepad, a pencil resting uselessly by its side. Frustration builds up quickly when you’re in a creative rut. I suppose I was no different from my writing forefathers: Hemingway, Wilde, even Danielle Steele got their creative wheels stuck in the mud now and again. But I knew inspiration would come. And it did. Oh, did it...

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who do you think should play you in the film (movie) version of your life?

Inquisitively,

George L and Steven S

Hollywood, CA



Dear Directors,

Phyllis Diller just died, so I have no idea. It’s funny you mention that because the screenplay is already written. It’s called The Doors of Deception: a Shaman’s Bail, but we have only raised about 11 dollars from key contributors to proceed with the filming. So we’re close.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ve been struggling on the spiritual journey and I’m wondering if there is a difference between suppression and self-discipline?

Half way up the mountain



Dear 50%,

Sure, look at all the different letters in those words. You can’t see that? But to your main point, suppression is only self-discipline squared. They are both products of fear. Living beyond such an internal conflict involves a true freedom that can only be expressed through running down the street naked. Now this is illegal, of course, which only adds to the exhilaration. I think the Discord’s coverage this week of Prince Charles taught us all a valuable lesson. Mainly, the importance of fuzzying out the winky!!! For God’s sake, PhotoShoppers!!! I haven’t seen anything that nasty since Michelle Obama’s new school lunch menu.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Since your Prince Charles coverage, I’m having Post Traumatic Streaking Disorder. Please, I am a young and impressionable Shaman. Thank you Daily Discord, now I may never have sex with old men again.

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Mayans Finally Release 2013-7138 Calendar!
Mayans Finally Release 2013-7138 Calendar!

Maya, MX—Yes, it’s finally here, folks! The Mayans have released their next ‘long count calendar’ less than 100 days before the old calendar is set to expire. The Maya have come under considerable scrutiny in recent years for singlehandedly increasing anxiety levels across the globe. Many connected the lack of the next Mayan calendar with some type of global apocalypse.

The Maya are pushing back. "We have always released the calendar right before the other one expires," said the Mayan God of Freezing Drizzle, Hunab Kuu. "It’s how it’s always been done. Doesn’t anyone remember this shit?"

When asked why they never bothered to quell fears, or even let people know about the next calendar’s pending release, Kuu said, "If you had a 5,126 year calendar to produce, would you have any spare time!?" He then let out a string of Mayan expletives not heard since the day his people realized the Spanish Conquistadors were not the old teachers from heaven.

When asked if their feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, is going to return this December, Kuu replied, "Yeah, but he isn’t going to destroy the world or anything. He’s just a snow bird, really. It gets awfully nasty on Venus this time of year. He’ll party for awhile and then go home. Sure he’s going to break some shit when he gets really drunk, but it’s hardly going to be a world ending event. Hail Yig!"

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Boxers or Briefs?

Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Boxers are too violent and I have been told on more than a few occasions that briefs are vagina repellent, so I usually go commando. To avoid chaffing, you just need to get calluses started on certain parts of your inner thigh and Voilà.

The Commando Shaman

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Awwe, They're So Cute Until You Turn on the Water
Awwe, They're So Cute Until You Turn on the Water, Retinas grow back, right?
Retinas grow back, right?
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the GOP Convention? If so, thoughts?

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. If you don't answer this you're FIRED!!!!



Dear Mr. Winslow,

Kind of creeped me out. I know the heart of the GOP is generally old, creepy, and in some stage of advanced cognitive decline, but to wheel out all three from the get-go was a little much. I switched over to TLC's Honey Boo Boo. I could report on that if you'd like?

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

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Honey, We Have a Problem
By The Crank
The Crank

On one sunny, hot as the hinges of Hell, day here on the surface of the sun, I was alone on the showroom floor. My cell phone rings. I see it’s ‘home’ so I pick up expecting to hear something like a ‘I’m home from work. See you soon, honey," kind of thing. Well, not so much.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

The Ghetto Shaman,

Do you follow politics? If so, what party?

Indigo Montoya (YKMFPTD!!!!!)



Dear Indigo,

I lead politics, I don’t follow anyone. Except maybe that one chick, but I was eventually acquitted. And I like to hit all parties whenever possible. Politically, I am a member of the Transcosmetic Party. I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I came so close to understanding it one night on a disturbing combination of mescaline and malt liquor.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And it took a team of our finest here at the Discord to interpret your acronym. Well done, sir! Luckily we have several Princess Bride fans here on staff.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When I sent you a question about "transforming your demons, not fighting them", you agreed and suggested I transform them into hot chicks (which you never posted on this site, by the way). But the Buddha's first trial was lust. He would never have obtained enlightenment listening to you!

Lou-E



Dear Lou-E,

Yes, I remember the correspondence. The spiritual development of humanity has surpassed what it was in the Buddha's time. The universe is unfolding and, in some cases, disrobing. I sat under the Bodhi tree, nailed the shit out of everything that walked passed, and beat the Buddha's best time. Fear is still the same trial, though, so don't be afraid to pork away, pal.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances
By Dave Atsals
Join the Unemployed to Help Romney’s Chances
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, may be looking for work soon. If any of you know of a position open for someone totally unqualified to do anything but sit on a barstool and shoot pool, let me know. My employment at the local flooring center may have hit bottom. Just be thankful they edited out the ‘pulling the rug out from under me’ joke. I had to meet with the head of human resources yesterday, which I believe has something to do with our HR department. There, we reviewed my growing list of misdeeds. I have listed the funniest five for your enjoyment. Mr. Winslow said listing them all would put too much of a strain on our server.

Temp Sensitivity in AZ or It’s 72°, Get My Sweater
By The Crank
The Crank

As I enter my pool after a hard day’s work, I’m greeted by the momentary chill one gets when going from over 105° to a frigid 88°. As I start my exercise routine, I soon warm. Fifteen minutes of calisthenics, followed by ten minutes of "floundering" as I don’t really swim, per se. When I decide I’ve had about enough of this whole "healthy" thing, I float like a dead man for another ten minutes...or, as I call it, the ‘Fuck You Richard Simmons’ position.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I moved to a magical place! It has wonderful people with a new agie feel to it. I’m thinking about opening a crystal store. Thought I’d share.

Shelley



Dear Shelley,

That’s nice, Shelley. My little slice of urbania is pretty amazing too. Lots of blue and red lights everywhere and the chicks on the corner are always dressed to the sixty-nines. All of the intersections are decorated with sparkly little bits of glass that shimmer in your headlights as you drive by...oh, and we have drive bys too!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And we make our own crystal, Shelley, in basement or mobile labs. Nirvana!

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want to meet my totem animal. How best to bring about this important spiritual encounter? Thanks ahead of time.

Flailing Spiritually



Dear FS,

Your totem animal never needs to be sought. Your totem animal is always right beside you. In fact, I can sense the bond between you and your...oh...oh dear. I hope you didn’t like those shoes. Bad totem animal!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Try baking soda to get out the smell. You're welcome.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The key to success is treating every special lady like she’s the only special lady. I know, this sounds simple but trust me brothers...it’s not! The first step is to keep them separated. No good comes from mixing these two groups of fierce females unless of course you’re interested in near death experiences. The next step is to keep all important dates, names, and events separate. There’s nothing like giving "Cindy" a gift for "Candy’s birthday.

Blair



Dear Blair,

What is the question you crazy ass bitch? I answer the questions...you ask the question. How could you possibly mess this up? But you should read my book Balancing Being & Bimbos. It’s a game changer for any and all players.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Crazy bitch

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am depressed, but I’m actually enjoying it. I just love sitting around and moping about and then following it up with some serious feeling sorry for myself time. Isn’t that paradoxical? Should I take meds? Or should I seek more traditional services?

Mindy



Dear Mindy,

I don’t have any "credentials" per se, but I believe I can help. You should celebrate your depression with my new product Spunk be Gone. It’s fast-acting so you’re slow acting ass never has to get off the couch ever again! You might augment your misery by purchasing my work Stillness Burps and Other Gastral Projections. This way you will learn how to look like you're meditating when you're actually sleeping. Chapter four really gets at the heart of your dilemma: I’m Pro-zac but Anti-Depressant.

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I loved The Tao of Skullfucking and want to participate. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to broach this topic with my wife. There doesn’t seem to be a paragraph on this topic in any of those living will pamphlets. You are the master of such things, so what should I do?

Scully Slider



Dear Scully,

The Tao of Skullfucking is a metaphor! You sick, sick bastard!

The Ghetto Shaman

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Verbal Charades and ADHD
By The Crank
The Crank

While waiting for my shrink to digitally write out my meds for the next three months, I asked him a question. What amazed me was the cognizant answer. This new guy is great. He has knowledge and stuff—not like that last one. I spent my $125.00 listening to her bitch for 30 minutes. She had her loser daughter as her assistant. Imagine moving your business and not calling all of your regular clients to inform them. Then berating them when they suggest how a knowledgeable person might be better in that position. Headbob, followed by a "layta beeoch!"

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where the HELL is your material? I am so done with you and your New Age timeliness, deadlines be damned, Zen do-nothingness!

Pierce Winslow, CEO



Dear Mr. Winslow,

My material ended the day I stopped recieving the Round the World in Forty 40s. Remember you signed me up for that monthly malty magic? Well, I stopped getting the shipments. I shotgunned my last case of Schlitz High Gravity last weekend and then I never got my batch of Crazy Stallion. It's as easy to get things right, boss man.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'll always take Mad Dog 20/20 in a pinch.

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The Land Speaks and We Listen...
The Land Speaks and We Listen, Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
 
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Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment
Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment

Kingstree, SC—Officially, the First Baptist Church has "no idea" how the foam versions of their nails used to crucify their savior each year were replaced with sharp wooden spikes. Easter Sunday, these spikes were miSTAKEnly used to nail local forklift operator, Gus Franklin, to a large cross at the climax of their holiday mass extravaganza.

"We just hope someday people will find the humor in all of this," said Father Michael Shenanigans. "I knew we should have gone with the F@^*ing Easter egg hunt."

Uber-Defrocked Reverend Joseph Tompkins told coroners, "We just thought the Messiah was really getting into the part this year." However, the holy emissary later admitted to police, "We planned to take him down in a couple of days and put his body in a cave to see what happens. You know, to make the most of this tragedy. Maybe something good could have come from it, like the Rapture or at least a related bake sale."

On a related note, The First Baptist Church’s ‘One of Our Beloved Forklifters Rose on the 3rd Day’ bake sale has been canceled, pending the investigation of the organizers.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have not been able to acquire any of your fine works. The only reference to them on Google originates from this site. I am really curious about your important work The Tao of Skullfucking and I've been wondering if this is a metaphor, or a euphemism, or what.

P. Keller

Dear P. Keller,

No, no, this is quite literal. One must simply learn the proper technique to safely harness the energy of this incredibly profound cosmic act. The deep significance of this sacred skullular uninion can evoke powerful Satori experiences. But if the eyeball can not be popped back into place, please rush your significant other to the emergency room immediately.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Do not attempt this, under any circumstances, without either attending one of my Satori Skullfucking workshops or sending me a check for $49.95.

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Finger Puppets the Most Misunderstood of Toys

It’s times like these I really begin to question this project.

“It’ll be fun,” Pierce told me.  “Think of the travel, the women, the high adventure.”

What a load of crap! 

This week, Mr. Winslow said, “Why don’t you do something on finger puppets?”

He really said that—with a straight face.

“Mick,” he said, “our readers are sick of you and the Crank going at it about last week’s news.”  Then, with the same straight face, he goes, “A feature on finger puppets, now that’s the ticket.”

How can I even respond to that?  I hate him.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you’re stepping on the dream of the planet, not to mention my dreams, and you have women issues to boot!!!!

Leanna



Dear multi-exclamation-points,

Many do consider me the Founding Father of Drunken Debauchery. And, yes, women do boot me; that's the issue! But are they really my issues? The restraining orders certainly suggest so. For your wisdom I have sent you a free coupon for my book, Awakening the One Eyed Cosmic Serpent. I suggest you don’t read it. Maybe re-gift it to that special someone in your life. Then suggest that they don't read it.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Never give up on your dreams, because one day you really might just wake up naked in class. I have...and I'm not even enrolled anywhere.

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If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
By Ertel
If I Had 325 Million Dollars: Song Sold Separately
Ertel

What would YOU do with a million dollars? It's an oft asked question, right up there with "Are you a cop? Y'know you have to tell me if you are, right?" or "Dude, how much for those 99 cent potato chips?" If you asked me what I would do with a cool million before today, my answer would have been "a Branch-Davidian style compound, where I had multiple wives and would subject my followers to all-night prog-rock jam-sessions, featuring me on all instruments." After all, I'm a one-man band and I don't like sharing credit. But today the idea hit me, "What could I buy with 325 million?" and the answer became all too apparent...a planet.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The Mayans were truly amazing people, but what is cosmogenesis and the galactic code?

Joan Drummond

Albany, NY



Dear Joan,

Cosmowhowhatsas?  The Battlestar Galacticode is on Friday nights on the Sci-Fi Channel.  I believe it’s about Cylons, not Mayans. 

The Ghetto Shaman

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My wife just left me for another man; I hate my boss and my landlord. Everything sucks. I could use some of your wise counsel.

Will-EEE



Dear Will-EEE,

Why do you shirk from these things? Why do you avoid them? Misfortune can catapult us to spiritual awareness. You need to reread my book Turn that Frown Upside Tao: Embracing Life's Suckage.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. If it's any consolation, I plan to just use and abuse your wife and then dump her ass.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Though I actually have no real question, I’d like to offer ‘you’ some advice. After all, I am in a wonderful, long-term monogamous relationship built on love, respect, and trust.

RS



Dear RS,

Is that you Santorum? I told you to stop hitting my contact button because I think you’re a douche.
Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and I’m seeing your wife and she thinks you’re a douche too. So is Gingrich by the way (no surprise there).

P.P.S. And I’m taking your son fishing this weekend.

P.P.P.S.  Oh, and nice liquor cabinet, but sorry about the scotch thing.

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,

After nearly 30 years, of living a clean and sober life, I'm contemplating getting back into weed. With the failure of the economy, losing my home and my family, it sounds like a good thing to do, as I am allergic to alcohol. However, back in the 70s, Thai Stik is what I used to do. Is that still available, and at what price? If not, what would be a good replacement?

Looosah

Michigan



Dear Loosah,

Thai Stik? Thai Stik is only about three bucks and is available anywhere, even convenient stores. It's very good at removing stains. I believe I’ve used that joke before. Look, Loosah, you should get a second opinion on the alcohol. Allergic? Try rice beer. There’s also gluten free beer, so you can enjoy a taste on par with Schlitz for only ten dollars a pint. Oh, and with hydroponics you will find pot much more potent than the old days, depending on your source, of course. But before you do anything to jeopardize 30 years of sobriety, call your sponsor—as long as your sponsor isn’t Budweiser. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Tide Stik
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Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

How you know you’re married to a man-child:

He needs assistance securely fastening his own seat belt. He may protest, "It’s too hard!" Sadly, that really happened...

He feigns incompetence to get out of doing stuff, i.e., sorry I broke all of your dishes with the sponge again, dear.

When he does anything remotely mechanical I envision a monkey with a gun.

He asks you for "help" as a ploy to get out of things. "Gosh, I just can’t figure out how to feed these darn fish with these flake things."

He’s totally incapable of feeding himself, forks, spoons, chopsticks, bibs all fall short of successfully getting the food into his mouth.

He can’t figure out why he doesn’t have any money. "So I can’t afford those solid gold jet skis?"

He equates taking out the garbage with all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry duties. "We divvy things up even, honey."

The condition of man child (MC) is not likely to get any better and alcohol only exacerbates the condition.

Good Luck

Cokie McGrath

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Hello Ghetto Shaman,

I'm a new contributor to The Daily Discord. Do you have any suggestions, recommendations, or warnings for me?

Thank you,

The Librarian



Dear Librarian,

Don’t go to the Discord Christmas party next week.  Really, don’t. It even scares me. Just let Mr. Winslow mail you the pen set that turns out to be pencils. I believe that constitutes a suggestion, a recommendation, and a warning.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'm not kidding...

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just had this awesome thing happen! I’ve heard it called Mysterium Tremendum by the mystics of old. It’s that ineffable feeling when faced with the awe inspiring compassion of God. It’s like a Zen sandwich, when you are one with Universe wrapped in the sweet bliss of ever present awareness.  I knew you of all people would understand.

Hastings



Dear Hastings,

I think you mean Delirium Tremens, which is what I get when I’m coming down from too much alcohol, or as I call it, the Unholy Spirits. It’s not really fun and the seizures can actually kill. I do get visions but rarely would I describe them as Godlike, unless you mean those bugs that you keep incessantly gouging at your own skin to kill. I think that’s what you mean.  I recommend tapering off the booze with appropriate amounts of benzodiazepines and then switching to pot for a while.

Hope this helps

The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Greetings!

Sorry, loyal fans. I was not in jail last week, as Mr. Winslow keeps insinuating, actually I’ve been very industrious lately. I am starting a chain of fast food restaurants called Just Potato Salad! I’m thinking of renaming it Just Potato Salad, Bitches, but I kind of lose some oomph without that exclamation point. Does anyone have an opinion? So far business is slow. Should I consider adding another type of potato salad to my menu? Maybe one with mustard and mayo? I don’t want to get too crazy off the get-go; there’s a lot of overhead associated with a business that involves buckets filled with potatoes and mayonnaise…more than you probably realize.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Spudman

P.S. Stands for Potato Salad! ...Bitches!

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Dear Ghetto Shaman,