Arkham, MA - When a mysterious summons ebbed from a newly formed fissure in the Earth’s crust, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Boutique, decided, in his own words, to “give it a miss”. The aged archeologist felt that climbing through the nethermost caverns to the ancient tomb of Yog-Sothoth in the heart of the deep-frozen city “just sounded like a bad idea.”  Hogbein asserts that the huge sinkhole formed in his backyard shortly after poring over a grimoire known only as the Necronomicon.  A tentacled god-like beast from unknown Kadath then psychically reached across the void and asked Hogbien if he wouldn’t mind tearing out his own throat and bringing him the ancient text, in no particular order. Hogbein reportedly apologized for any inconvenience, but denied the request on the grounds that he really needed to do some laundry and get to the bank that day. 

“I don’t know why anyone would wade down through the subterranean Black Lake of Ubboth when there are perfectly reasonable things to do around the house,” said Hogbien.  “Some people take this archeology thing a bit too far.” Although, to be polite, he did tell the monstrous inter-dimensional entity, “maybe next time.”

According to Hogbien the hole has since resealed itself.

When asked if he had any regrets about not climbing into what might have been the archeological discovery of a lifetime, Hogbien replied, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the "gimme gimme's", the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He's trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”

Ed McMahon’s only regret is dying two days after Farrah Fawcett.

“Oh, I would have welcomed her to heaven with open arms…Heeeere’s Farrah!  It would have been glorious,” joked McMahon.

He also reports his first job went smoothly enough.

“Michael Jackson gave me a high five and moon walked into paradise.”

God has apparently grown bored with St. Peter, whose own greeting ‘Hi Ho’ was dull and kind of a Kermit the Frog rip off.  In fact, Jim Henson thought the greeting was personalized for him and has since been bitching about copyright violations.

“Besides,” said God. “When you spend a lifetime trying to do the right thing, you should be greeted to heaven with, well, Ed does it best.”

God admits that Ed McMahon was slated to die in 2012 but a recent argument with St. Peter forced God’s hand, so to speak.

“The new job is great,” claims McMahon, but he admits to some early glitches.  The other day he greeted Billy Mays as, “Here’s that Oxy Clean guy.”  Mays was not amused.  McMahon admits there are still some bugs to work out. “And St. Peter’s is still being kind of a dick about the whole thing.”

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Waffle Shop, recently challenged the Creation Museum of Petersburg, KY, to produce “any shred of proof” to support their claim that dinosaurs co-existed with man.  A picture, depicted above, arrived several weeks later with a short letter condemning Dr. Sterling Hogbein, the Daily Discord, and, for some reason, the entire infield of the Florida Marlins. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, using his controversial ‘enhanced archeological techniques,’ conducted several tests on the image and claims his inability to disprove the picture’s authenticity “proves nothing save my own painful incompetence!”

How the Creation Museum’s picture is believed to support the notion that man and dinosaurs coexisted shortly before the time of Jesus remains unclear. The shadow of a toy dinosaur appears in the foreground of the image to the backdrop of a cartoonish figure, something in the Hanna Barbera family, possibly Scooby-Do.  Dr. Hogbein believes it resembles Freddie’s cousin, who only appeared in one or two episodes.  A second theory has surfaced which identifies the image as the lead male from Josie and the Pussycats.  “Our investigation is still in the preliminary stages,” explained Hogbein.  “We haven’t even ruled out Freddie himself, but the no-ascot-thing has us flummoxed.” Although the aged archeologist admitted that identifying DNA from an animated figure is “tricky business,” Hogbein remains hopeful that a positive ID will be discovered. Due to his recent ill-fated trip to the heartland, Dr. Hogbein is now suing the Creation Museum for the price of the entrance ticket, gas, and other travel expenses involving prostitutes.   Dr. Hogbein has added a severance package to his legal claim for hardships suffered during the excursion, or, as his lawyer put it: “being subjected to inner Kentucky for no legitimate purpose.”

Taos, NM - Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, admits his recent version of The Bhagavad Gita contained one all important mistranslation.  Typically the Vedic words Tat tvam asi mean “thou art that.”  Dr. Hogbein, admittedly inebriated at the time, inserted an erroneous word creating the phrase “Tat tvam paikhana,” which roughly translates as: “Thou Art Loose Stool.”

Dr. Hogbein further complicated his mistake by repeatedly referring to Brahman, the godhead of Hindu mythology, as the great ‘paikhana-head.’ This blasphemy set off a veritable paikhana storm across parts of the already bitchy Indus Valley region.

One reader warned that any further affronts to Krishna and the “paikhana would really hit the palm frond.”

Hogbein defended his actions by adding “paikhana happens,” and then mooned the press to punctuate his point.

The aged archeologist has cancelled his upcoming conference in Paikhanastan for obvious reasons.

A growing number of children equate the Burger King Mascot with extreme fear and anxiety.  According to one recent study, the negative impact on dream content is unquestionable.

“He just creeps me out,” says Sarah Jones of Prescott, AZ. “Why didn’t they just go with a clown or something?”

Petersburg, KY—Evangelicals have wrestled with the mounds of overwhelming Bible-conflicting data that dinosaurs roamed the Earth long before Jesus.  To their credit, some of these Christianists have successfully married vast quantities of conflicting dogma. You can learn all about these stunning revelations with a two day pass to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY.  The price tag is only $29.95, which is recommended, because it’s a lot of bullshit to swallow in just one day.  Creation Museumists posit that two of each dinosaur went with Noah on his fateful journey to Atlantis (OK, I never read the Bible, but I have rented Life of Brian twice).  The museum even features a saddled dinosaur that kids can ride, just like Jesus did (like Jesus would ever pay the cover).

Who could forget when Jesus said, “Blessed are the Meekasaurs.”

What compounds the Creation Museum’s Jurassic Ark Theory (JAT) is the recent discovery of some super-sized dinosaurs in South America, circa 100 million years ago (Christian translation = last Tuesday).  The average brontosaurus is about the size of four elephants, but Argentinosaurus was apparently the biggest land animal ever and was closer to one of those Lord of the Rings’ Olyphants.  To house two of each kind of these newly discovered monsters, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Humidor, estimates Noah’s Ark would have to be “really fucking big.”

Dr. Hogbein, most known for his anthropological binge drinking, also had this to say: “Argentinosaurus, no doubt, posed some engineering challenges for Noah that could only be explained by divine intervention.  Oh…”

It’s times like these I really begin to question this project.

“It’ll be fun,” Pierce told me.  “Think of the travel, the women, the high adventure.”

What a load of crap! 

This week, Mr. Winslow said, “Why don’t you do something on finger puppets?”

He really said that—with a straight face.

“Mick,” he said, “our readers are sick of you and the Crank going at it about last week’s news.”  Then, with the same straight face, he goes, “A feature on finger puppets, now that’s the ticket.”

How can I even respond to that?  I hate him.

In a cave near Tikrit, Iraq, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Brasserie, has unearthed a scroll revealing Jesus’ agenda. “This is huge,” claims Dr. Hogbein, “like the ‘second coming’ all over again.”