Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
September 22, 2014
OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS • THE PERRY INDICTMENT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT, BESIDES WE NEED A PERRY PRESIDENTIAL RUN...IF NOT FOR YOURSELF, DO IT FOR COMEDY! • I BELIEVE THAT THE "ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE" SHOULD ONLY BE MET IN WHITE T-SHIRTS AND NO BRA • THE MOST CONSERVATIVE CITY IN U.S. IS MESA ARIZONA • IN RELATED NEWS: THE BIGGEST SHITHOLE IN ARIZONA IS MESA •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Four Flags
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I thought I understood the Obama Doctrine, until now. More disturbing than the prospects of Iraq Part Deux is this: a recent poll indicates Americans would prefer a return to a Bush-style Doctrine, here. If this is true, do you remember Bill Paxton’s character from Aliens? Game over, man!

Malaysia Unveils Plans for New Global Rail System
Malaysia Unveils Plans for new Global Rail System

Kuala Lumpur, MY—After the disappearance of flight MH370 and the shooting down of flight MH17 the Malaysian government has remained under increased pressure to keep their passengers safe. They now believe they can cure their recent air travel woes by building an advanced rail system that will one day span the globe.

This is not the first attempt at a fix, however. The Malaysian government is denying allegations that hundreds of construction workers drowned during their ill-fated "Bus Off the Island" initiative. Malaysia’s Giant Transportation Catapult System (GTCS) was also an abysmal failure that cost the lives of all sixteen of its ‘volunteers’.

Immigrant Children Transformed Into Renewable Energy Source
Immigrant Children Transformed into Renewable Energy Source

McAllen, TX—As thousands of children pour over the U.S. border from Mexico each news cycle, some believe with misery comes opportunity, green opportunity. The folks at Discord Solar, Inc. insist that the sun's energy can be captured to generate electricity through a system of interconnected child immigrants in a new process known as Solar Babies.

When many voiced their concerns about heat-related health issues and dangerous conditions, CEO Pierce Winslow said, "We have doctors at every shelter, or at least people willing to play doctor, but here’s the cool part—pardon the pun—each border shelter will be an estimated ten degrees cooler than their recent trek across the Sonoran Desert. So why worry? These kids are of a hardy stock. The War on Drugs and the desert took care of that. Now it’s time to reap those Darwinian benefits, in solar energy form."

Critics are calling this practice Torture for Children, but Mr. Winslow was quick to relabel this practice enhanced immigration techniques.

Timber Wolf Mistakenly Reintroduced Into Mall of America
Timber Wolf Mistakenly Reintroduced Into Mall Of America

Bloomington, MN—In a failed attempt to repopulate an endangered member of the canis lupus species, environmental ecologist Ian Green is "deeply sorry" for the death toll and related injuries. Those responsible are calling this incident an "unfortunate oversight".  After the release of 17-timber wolves into the largest mall in the United States the mayhem that ensued can only be described as chaos, as Thesaurus.com just crashed.

"The food court is a train wreck, but the YouTube video of one of the wolves trying to scale the escalator is worth all the carnage," said one YouWitness.

"The ‘during business hours’ part turned out to be a real issue," said one guard, "You see, we don’t even carry Tasers. We are issued Taser holsters, of course, which acts as a deterrent in certain situations. But this seemed to have no effect on the pack as they devoured our patrons."

The head of mall security added, "The majority of our personnel have attended Taser school, but only a handful received diplomas, or completed the required coursework, or passed our drug screen. Many feel an online Taser school degree has yet to really generate the kind of Taser competency we expect here at the Mall of America, yet my men responded well, especially the dead ones."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find Where They Left Their Car Keys
New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find where they Left their Car Keys, The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Al Gore Releases More Ozone-Depleting Gases Into the Atmosphere
Al Gore Releases More Ozone-Depleting Gases into the Atmosphere

Secret Liberal Base—Al Gore laughed manically as he opened a giant valve located deep in his subterranean laboratory. Since losing his presidential bid in 2000, Gore has tried feverishly to prove global warming. In 2010 he attempted to cross dress, which he hoped might "heat things up a bit", full story here.

Then in an effort to increase methane emissions he used his influence to improve the worldwide sale of beans. In 2011, however, Gore felt Operation: More Beans Mr. Tagert "stunk", so he decided instead to melt all the North Pole’s ice with a giant hair dryer. This act had unintended consequences involving his placement on someone’s "naughty list".

Now, in a chlorofluorocarbon (CFCs) factory somewhere deep under the Earth, Gore is pumping out endless waves of ozone depleting goodness into the stratosphere.

Researcher Johannes Laube said, "We don’t know where the new gases are emanating from but, if Mr. Gore is responsible, his secret base’s location is of the utmost importance to mankind! Along with my student loan debt, which remains very high."

Real warming story here.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Are Fish Getting Hooked the Wrong Way?
Are Fish Getting Hooked the Wrong Way? Come on! I'll give you a blowfish.
Come on! I'll give you a blowfish.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Study Deems Windfarms Safe...ish, OK, maybe we should stick with solar...
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Due to Warming Scientists Move Doomsday Clock!
Due to Warming Scientists Move Doomsday Clock! Luckily Foxeteers can only read digital
Luckily Foxeteers can only read digital
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Hormel Suing for Always Ending up in "The Folder"
Hormel Suing For Always Ending Up In "The Folder", “SPAM is impossible to advertise on the Internet.”
“SPAM is impossible to advertise on the Internet.”
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Ant Invasion: Them! Them!!
By The Crank
The Crank

So there I was at my new desk, at my new job, planning someone’s beautiful new kitchen when I hear the opening guitar riff from AC/DC’s "For Those About to Rock" (my new smartphone ringtone). I immediately flashback to all my wife’s other just-getting-home-from-work-frantic-gems. "We’re being invaded!" she said. "Red ants everywhere, millions of ‘em, and they bite!!"

Tunguska Blast Mystery Solved? NASA: "It Was a Space Fart"
Tunguska Blast Mystery Solved? NASA: "It Was a Space Fart"

Washington, DC— Only days after the National Academy of Sciences of Ukraine claimed to have solved the 105 year old mystery of the Tunguska devastation, NASA offered a different solution.

"It was not an icy meteor," said NASA head, Charles Bolden, "It was a little understood gastral anomaly known as a space fart. Whereas we don’t really understand the mechanisms behind space farts, some theorize they occur when the universe all orders too much Mexican on the same night."

This theory is also known to astronomers as Smell’s Theorem and is controversial in the scientific community. Other scientists believe these discharges originate from the ass end of a black hole, which scientists refer to as a "singularity but deadly."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Antpocalypse Now: Crazy Ants Drive out Fire Ants
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

The South—Let’s face it, the American way of life isn’t what it used to be.  There are more corn byproducts than apples in our apple pies, tornados are targeting our square states, and J.J. Abrams is single handedly destroying all sci-fi franchises with the word "Star" in their name.  Worst still, chaos has crept slowly into our well-manicured backyards.

As An Avid Shark Week Watcher...
As An Avid Shark Week Watcher...wearing an underwear full of chum on your head is bad.
...wearing underwear full of chum on your head is bad.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Has Anyone Seen My Contact Lens?
Has Anyone Seen My Contact Lens? I think it rolled over by those people I just crushed
I think it rolled over by those people I just crushed
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak
Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak

Antarctica—Shortly after the discovery of a new bacteria in an ancient lake buried miles in the ice, all contact was lost with the Vostok Research Facility. The Russian facility, located on the Antarctic ice sheet, had managed to drill through nearly two miles of sub glacial ice before inadvertently releasing an unknown bacteria into the air. It is described as a flesh eating bacteria, but those infected apparently do all the eating.

Russian President Vladimir Putin remains adamant this not a zombie outbreak. "Those exposed essentially die and are immediately resurrected with an insatiable craving to feed, but we have the situation contained," said Putin, who is denying allegations he has turned the area into his own Wildlife Preserve and Zombie Hunting Range.

Russian officials also claim the last picture received from the facility (depicted above) was a bit of a false alarm. "The scientists were simply watching John Carpenter’s The Thing on Netflix," said Putin. "In the image prior the scientists were drinking vodka and eating popcorn. But stay tuned as I will be sending back shirtless images of myself shooting zombies from my bobsled."

In a rare form of journalistic clairvoyance, The Discord’s own Erisa Brahe already predicted such an outbreak at that precise location here. CEO Pierce Winslow said, "This is not the first time we’ve been out in front of the news. Although usually we’re behind the news, Deliverance style."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
WARNING: Cialis May Cause Public Bathing in Seperate Bathtubs
WARNING: Cialis May Cause Public Bathing in Seperate Bathtubs
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Cause of Massive Solar Flare Linked to Petraeus, Benghazi, and Obama
Cause of Massive Solar Flare Linked to Petraeus, Benghazi, and Obama, and possibly Solyndra
And possibly Solyndra
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Kansas Woman Forced to Birth Alien Baby
Kansas Woman Forced to Birth Alien Baby

Palinbate, KS—The small rural community of Palinbate announced their decision today. They unanimously forbid 26-year-old, Mindy Fords, from having an abortion after she was allegedly abducted from her home last week by aliens. Witnesses describe how a bright beam of light carried the young lady out of her bedroom and onto an awaiting disc-shaped saucer. There, she claims to have been repeatedly raped by small grey aliens.

Pastor Paul Samuels minced no words. "It was God’s will you were taken aboard that craft and violated in such a manner. Granted, it’s a little unusual the fetus used cephalopod-type suckers to adhere to your large intestine, but you cannot argue that this too is God’s will, you damn liberal hippy bitch!"

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bistro, said, "Once hatched, the creature will instinctively bore through her chest cavity in a relentless search for food. Luckily, the organs en route will provide some sustenance for the voracious little tyke."

Pastor Samuels is aware of the risks, but is more than willing to "take that chance."

"If this was a legitimate abduction rape scenario, like in the X-files or something, the woman’s body has ways of inhibiting and shutting down that whole spawning process," said Samuels. "Besides, when it’s born we’ll ostracize the shit out of it, unfund it, and probably let it die in an alley somewhere. But until that mass of teeth and tentacles tears its way into this world, I won’t abide by anything that could endanger the welfare of that squid child!"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
The Daily Discord Presents CriminalAncestry.com
The Daily Discord Presents CriminalAncestry.com

For only 14 dollars a month, Criminal Ancestry.com can help you uncover your relatives’ seedy past. Just fill in the form, including the names of all your relatives, and our database immediately connects you with thousands of local and national criminal background checks.  It will find, not only those names listed, but can tap into a surprising amount of distant family members’ shenanigans.  But don’t take our word for it (really, you shouldn’t).  Here’s one important fictional testimonial:

"I really didn’t know what to expect.  I followed the directions on the website and the next day I found out my great-great-grandfather was suspected of four rapes in two European countries.  Who forgot to tell me that at the last reunion?!"

But wait there’s more:  "I found out my own aunt has been selling her Valium," said one woman.  "I was like ‘holy shit...what a contact!’ No more blowjobs in the subway for me."

Criminal Ancestry.com is not only good for embarrassing people at family reunions and finding more convenient dealers, there are also important implications for the betterment of humanity.

"I highly recommend this site," said one gentleman.  "It has really helped me better understand my own urges to kill.  I have gained acceptance of my actions through the perspective of hereditary impulses.  Now I can murder and devour as many people as I want, knowing it’s genetic and God wants me eat human flesh."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Fukushima's Mutant Butterflies
Fukushima's Mutant Butterflies, are they a precursor to Mothra?
are they a precursor to Mothra?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
One Giant Leap for Cyberdyne Systems' "Terminator" Program: 24 Dead
One Giant Leap for Cyberdyne Systems' "Terminator" Program: 24 Dead

Synnyvale, CA—An experimental facility patterned after the fictional Cyberdyne Systems Corporation’s Skynet has reached an impressive milestone today. Their robotic creation, the Hal-5000, fired thousands of rounds of a highly advanced weapon into every corner of their southern California installation last night. The robotic rampage killed 23 lab technicians and a custodial engineer named Dante, who before expiring told EMTs, "I wasn’t even supposed to be here today."

Cyberdyne’s CEO, Daniel Milgram, is pleased with recent events, "It’s not every day it takes a SWAT team to take out one of your own rogue creations. This is huge. This is why people go into this field in the first place."

The Board of Directors at Cyberdyne Systems, Inc. is also heartened by the arrival of a futuristic cyborg assassin, who mowed down several key researchers last week amidst a barrage of exotic bullets.

"Wow!" said Milgram. "Looks like we got someone’s attention."

The military is already offering Cyberdyne a considerable percentage of the Nation’s defense budget to create a female version for some of the top generals in the armed forces.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
The John Conner Interview
By Alex Bone
The John Conner Interview
Alex Bone

I caught up to John Conner, of Terminator fame, in an abandoned WWII weapons testing range. His mother, Sarah, was off hunting radioactive rabbits with a sling shot, so I was able to speak with him without her breaking my jaw...like last time.

Paleontologists Admit, "We Just Made this F'ing One Up"
Paleontologists Admit, "We Just Made this F-ing One  Up"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Is Bathroom Technology Becoming Sentient?
Is Bathroom Technology Becoming Sentient?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Pink Slime Content Revealed!
Pink Slime Content Revealed!

Amarillo, TX—Investigators are now repealing previous claims that pink slime, found in school cafeteria lunchmeat, is safe for public consumption. Additional testing revealed pink slime is actually composed of an assortment of animated sea life, high in Omega 3s.

The Pink Slime Meat premise is actually a front for a darker more terrible truth. Research on a sample suggests an assortment of Spongebob Squarepants’ characters, recently dumped by the show’s producers.

Spongebob himself discovered this after the disappearance of his best friend, Patrick Starr, and was later found screaming through Bikini Bottom, "Soylent Pink, it’s Patrick!"

Starr, Spongebob’s starfish sidekick, had a rough time getting gigs after his first round of Celebrity Rehab and disappeared last week after a self induced diabetic coma involving 18-20 Triple Gooberberry Sunrises.

The kiddos were initially saddened but consoled by a generous helping of Gary the Snail trail mix, Plankton Cakes, and Larry the Lobster tots. Although this is not yet officially confirmed, the USDA plans to buy out the remaining pink slime reserves. They plan to treat the product with green dye and market it to patrons for St. Patty’s Day. They outbid Nickelodeon’s show Slime Time Live for the three story tall vat of pinkish goodness.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Cyber Geek Accidentally Summons Virtual Demon
Cyber Geek Accidentally Summons Virtual Demon

Modesto,CA—Last night, 27 year old Farcus Laubstein made the fateful decision to watch the Evil Dead trilogy. He did this not long after successfully hacking into a Cyborg software site and acquiring considerable summoning points in the game Runescape. The California man allegedly downed two bottles of Arctic Devil barley wine and started reciting passages from H.P Lovecraft’s fictional grimoire, the Necronomicon, "just for a goof."

The sinister combination created an inter-dimensional rift and a subsequent chain of diabolical events not seen since the last episode of The Apprentice.  

Laubstein was last heard screaming and gouging out his own eyeballs, which people who knew him claim may have been due to viewing the last episode of The Apprentice. He scratched only one word onto a nearby table, Nucttelmeron, which Hogbein believes is either a demon, or a hazelnut cocoa spread.

Laubstein’s home was burned to the ground along with any and all evidence of the hell spawn he unleashed. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has tried to duplicate the conditions, but has thus far only managed to summon "a wicked burp."

His failure has not disheartened the demonologist and cross dresser. "I will repeat the conditions again and again until the desired results are reached, or my VHS tape of the Evil Dead II gives up the ghost, whichever comes first," said Dr. Hogbein.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Existence of Snuffleupagus Questioned by Expert
Existence of Snuffleupagus Questioned by Expert

New York, NY—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is not convinced a large, as yet undiscovered species of elephantidae, is living within the urban sprawl in and around Sesame Street.

After perusing the area’s refuse, the prominent crypto-zoologist concluded, "The waste could certainly sustain a small garbage-can-dwelling creature, say 2 to 3 feet tall, but I don’t think anything much larger could survive here on the existing food supply."

Dr. Hogbein falls shy of completely dismissing the possibility, but he also believes a creature of such girth would have a hard time remaining unnoticed.

"This isn’t about one creature, there would need to be enough to sustain a sizeable population, which, giving the setting, becomes even more implausible. Show me some hair samples, some scat, anything that would help prove the existence of something this large living in, of all places, a city borough," said Dr. Hogbein.

A large yellow ornithoid, known to the locals, recently passed several lie detector tests and is believed to be the only credible witness.

Upon reviewing this Big Bird’s testimony, Dr. Hogbein stated, "It’s certainly seeing something, but I will give more credence to these eyewitness accounts if this bird underwent a battery of psychological testing."

Dr. Hogbein later suggested to reporters this bird flew into one too many closed windows.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Archeologists Discover Time when Earth was "One Big Party"
Archeologists Discover Time when Earth was "One Big Party"

Flores, Guatemala—Studying geological sediment in Central America for the last 37 beers, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Multiplex, found a layer of rock chock full of beer, wine, wild orgies, and the residue of a variety of psychedelic plants and substances. Several similar sites scattered across the globe confirm this layer of debaucherous sediment.

"It’s the stratum of all strata, an epoch of epic proportions, a party that was truly hardy," said Dr. Hogbein. "This festival was of Biblical proportions. Not that anyone from the Bible was invited."

Hogbein’s research team posits the party lasted nearly three hundred years after the discovery of a stone engraved sign that read, Three Centuries of Peace and Music.

"Evidence suggests they had live bands booked throughout the extraordinarily long event," said Dr. Hogbein. "The bad news, however, decades could go by between sets."

Dr. Hogbein’s research team believes this Beer Garden of Eden may also explain the demise of the Neanderthal.

"Homo Sapiens were better at games like beer pong and speed quarters and probably hooked up with all the women during this time period," said Hogbein. "Neanderthals probably drank themselves to death out of disgust."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
World’s Entire Fossil Record Created by One Obsessive-Compulsive Hoaxter
World’s Entire Fossil Record Created by One Obsessive-Compulsive Hoaxter

Taos, NM—Creationists and other fundamental Christian types are getting the last laugh today as the Archeological Institute of America has announced the Earth’s fossil record is one colossal hoax.  Last week a discrete serial number was found on the femur of an Iguanodon that supposedly existed in the late Cretaceous period.  The ‘so called’ monster is currently housed at New York’s Museum of Natural History.   Similar numbers are now being discovered on all of the bones of every species before 6000 years ago.  This hoax spreads to all fossils in museums and personal collections throughout the globe.

"Once we knew where to look, we found them everywhere," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Creamery.  "A great many people spent their lifetime painstakingly unearthing such specimens.  It’s an outrage!"

On a good note there is some cause to celebrate.  This is proof a more Biblical view of geological time is accurate and that Darwin remains history’s biggest glue-sniffing monkey-humper to date.

"Evolution is dead," said Phillip Johnson, evolution denier and closet cross dresser.  "It was obvious to us creationists. How can you not look around the world today and think ‘these people are evolving?’ It’s preposterous."

Johnson went on to site Snookie, Snoop Dogg, and Snoopy the Dog. 

"This may have been more than one hoaxter," said Dr. Hogbein.  "This was possibly a massive undertaking coordinated by a large group of very silly people. Obviously a race with an outrageous amount of free time on their hands as well.  How they buried some specimens in solid rock all over the planet is amazing."

For their accomplishment they deserve our praise as well as our scorn.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Mayans Little Known 2013 Earth-Ovum Prediction
Mayans Little Known 2013 Earth-Ovum Prediction, Buick-sized sperm to burrow to Earth’s core!
Buick-sized sperm to burrow to Earth’s core!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The Faces of Math
The Faces of Math, Don't be a Statistic
Don't be a statistic
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Steel Reinforced "Storm Shelters" Found to be Hoax in Heartland
Steel Reinforced "Storm Shelters" Found to be Hoax in Heartland

Fort Smith, OK—Dave "Pa" Jenkins is in a deep mound of shit today after he was discovered selling tornado shelters that, under closer scrutiny, turned out to be porta-potties.   Jenkins has been selling these single units as steel reinforced storm shelters throughout tornado alley over the last several months.

"This isn’t funny," said Joseph Quimby, mayor of an undisclosed Midwestern town. "He’s preying off twister-weary folk.  And I want my money back!"

An individual who actually rode out a storm in one of these "shelters" was unavailable for comment, but he is being treated by a local community mental health center for Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Despite the growing controversy, Jenkins is standing by his product, "Look, you’re safe from debris in there; you can’t argue with that.  Well, safe-ish."

Jenkins is also wanted for the unlawful sale of some similarly designed, Dr. Who-style time machines.

"I call them the FARTIS," said Jenkins. "They’re much bigger on the inside, and they double as a storm shelter."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Siberian Alien Proven a Hoax!
Siberian Alien Proven a Hoax! And may have been photoshopped by Discord staff
And may have been photoshopped by Discord staff
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
National Safety Council to Discontinue CPR on Grounds it’s "Too Gross"
National Safety Council to Discontinue CPR on Grounds it’s "Too Gross"

Washington, DC—The National Safety Council (NSC) has announced its intention to discontinue CPR as a life saving technique.

Dr. Bill Lynn, an NSC spokesperson, said, "I was an EMT and, I can tell you, putting your lips over some fat dying slob is awful.  The damn thing never worked anyway."

Dr. Lynn prefers the Hollywood Method wherein you slam the chest a few times and then yell "Why, God why?!" up to the heavens, preferably with balled fists.

"The results are about the same," claims Lynn.  "Besides, I never liked CPR, except maybe Bad Moon Rising."

Lynn believes all of the CPR dummies can be shifted seamlessly into state representative roles. 

The NSC is now asking all hospitals to cease trying to revive heart attack victims and, instead, just go through their pockets for loose change.  The council was apparently inspired by "watching the Princess Bride, drunk, the other night."

 "If you revive them then you have to pay for them," said an anonymous hospital administrator. "No CPR = less hassle and less paperwork.  It’s about staying open during tough economic times.  We need to think about the taxpayer…and my pension.  And, as mortals, aren’t we just prolonging the inevitable?"

When asked about the Hippocratic Oath, he said, "Who sent you?" and then proceeded to climb out of a nearby window. 

Our own, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Mortuary, chimed in, "Hippocratic Oath?  What do those Greek pussies know?  Hermes flew around in his underpants for Gods’ sake.  I hate those guys.  When we have to shove blood through your system manually, aren’t we just enabling?  They’re dead beats…literally. Do it yourself, damn it! If you don’t have the motivation to keep your own heart beating, don’t come bitching to me when you croak." 

When asked about his credentials. Dr. Hogbein asked, "Who sent you?" and proceeded to climb out of a nearby window.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War
By Alex Bone
Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War
Alex Bone

Most understand how scorpions loathe their aquatic brothers, the viscous crawdad. Both have segmented bodies, pinching claws, and a burning desire to kill everything that crosses their path. These spineless bastards part ways, however, when it comes to protecting the environment. Whereas scorpions drive Priuses and recycle whenever possible, crawdads are a different story.

In Search of the "God Particle" LHC Finds Something Completely Different
In Search of the "God Particle" LHC Finds Something Completely Different

Geneva, SW—LHC, the world’s largest high-energy particle accelerator, is back in the news again. After bombarding two particles at near light speeds earlier today, a flaming eye-like arc formed across one of the accelerator’s key detectors.

"This is completely unlike anything we’ve seen to date," said senior research scientist, Lucas Taylor. "I think it’s safe to say our detector has, in fact, detected something."

According to eyewitnesses, what really shocked everyone was when the fiery eye exclaimed, "You cannot hide! I see you. There is no life in the void, only death."

"When quantum life attempts to communicate, it’s pretty momentous stuff," said Taylor. "The voice seemed to come from inside our own heads which was, perhaps, the most fascinating part of the experience."

When questioned about any potential danger to mankind, Taylor replied, "What can I say? Sometimes you go looking for the ‘God Particle’ and shit happens."

Some are calling the apparition the Higgs-Sauron Particle, in honor of the dark sorcerer from J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, LHC administrators are maintaining that the atypical and combative personality changes running rampant through their ranks is "merely a coincidence."

"Most of the workers have abandoned their duties in the last few hours and seem content to clearing the trees surrounding the facility," said Taylor. "It’s apparently all for some insidious weapons-making-purpose."

But Taylor reassured the media that LHC administrators are "looking into that."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Subatomic Particles Protest Outside of LHC
Subatomic Particles Protest Outside of LHC

Geneva, SZThe Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is under siege at this hour. Spurred on by events in Tunisia and Egypt, billions and billions of subatomic particles have gathered outside the facility to protest the murder and unfair treatment of subatomic life. Many even blame the accelerator’s initial technical problems on such miniscule dissidents.  One con-CERN-ing possibility involves the offspring of a futuristic subatomic particle actually going back in time to sabotage the collider.  More on the Terminator Particle theory here.

"How would you like to be chilled to near absolute zero, hurled through a circular tube, and then smashed  into one of your family members at near light-speeds?!" said a neutrino, who chose to remain unstable. "Mad scientists forced my own mother into an accelerator and for what, to discover some plasma like pre-matter?  Is that really worth the loss of subatomic life?"

Spanning across the width of a pinhead, protestors at LHC hoisted tiny signs that read Life Begins in our Interstellar Nurseries and Star Stuff is People Too.  One quark had a sign that read Don’t Tread on Me or Bombard Me at Near Light Speeds, MFs!  Some even compared NASA’s head, Charles Bolden, to Hitler. 

"It’s bad enough we have to worry about beta decay and gamma emissions, but be sacrificed to the research gods?!" lamented one lepton. "If they don’t close this bitch down, we’re going to decay it brick by brick. Remember, we out number you 10100000000000000000000000 to one.  Did I mention my family has connections to dark matter?"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Asteroids Did Kill the Dinosaurs!
Asteroids Did Kill the Dinosaurs! Just not in the way we originally thought
Just not in the way we originally thought
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Wikileaks Identify Iranian Nuke Crasher as Alaskan Bull Worm
Wikileaks Identify Iranian Nuke Crasher as Alaskan Bull Worm, Saboteur hackers hail from Bikini Bottom?
Saboteur hackers hail from Bikini Bottom?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Ghost Scooter Haunts Northern England
Ghost Scooter Haunts Northern England

West Yorkshire, ENG-To the delight of spoof news enthusiasts everywhere, the owner of the Segway Co. died in an accident involving a souped-up version of a Segway scooter.  On 9/26 an English bobby spotted the 62-year old exec, James Heselden, heading for a makeshift ramp along the River Wharfe.

"I did the whole stop or I’ll say stop again number," said Police Constable, Nigel Higgins. "but the man seemed intent on jumping the river."

After the body was pulled from the water, the police found Heselden clad in a skin-tight, spandex body suit sporting the colors of the Union Jack.

"The modifications to the scooter were extensive," said Higgins. "He added some fuzzy dice, flaming decals, and even an 8-track player."

Sources indicate Heselden was distraught because of his company’s inability to live up to its mission statement "a scooter in every pot."  A number of locals have since reported strange occurrences in and around the area. A young couple witnessed a similarly clad gentleman making obscene gestures by the river’s edge.  Another man claims a phantom scooter "lurking in the shadows" followed him home.  And nearly a dozen others have reported hearing the haunting sound of a 50cc two stroke scooter engine puttering into the mists.

"Sometimes in their darkest hour people see what they most want to see," said Higgins.  "Other times it’s just the usual PRAs (Pub Related Anomalies)."


Dear fans,

I am sorry the Daily Discord was unable to use the Segway piece as a proper segue into something funnier.  It would have done Mr. Heselden’s memory a great service.  Unfortunately, my staff is becoming increasingly incompetent.   No easy trick when one considers where they started.

Sincerely,

Pierce Xavier Winslow, CEO

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Mysterious Crap Circles Found in FarmVille!
Mysterious Crap Circles Found in FarmVille! Are Our Mafia Wars Characters Safe from these Titanic Virtual Turds?
Are Our Mafia Wars Characters Safe from these Titanic Virtual Turds?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Crankin on the 2011 Hyundai Sonata, or Captain Nemo, your ride is here
The Crank

My wife has an uncanny knack of keeping things alive way beyond their allotted time on this planet. A past pet comes to mind, not to mention a certain Stephen King Novel. My son has my living will.  He knows, when it’s my time, not to let my wife near the doctors or she’ll either have my head in a Futurama-style glass jar, or I’ll be a Cranksicle next to old Walt Disney.

Is that a Protruding Pectoral Fin, or are You Just Glad to See Me?
Is that a Protruding Pectoral Fin, or are You Just Glad to See Me?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Toyota Finds First Clue for Recent Glitches
Toyota Finds First Clue for Recent Glitches
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
NASA Probe Glitch: Scout is Spirit’s Bitch

NASA Probe Glitch: Scout is Spirit’s Bitch
Enlarge...

Mars—"Let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel" has a new, more cosmic, meaning today.  NASA scientists watched, in horror, as the latest rover footage from the red "hot" planet reveals the Spirit lander "scouting out" the Scout probe.  NASA believes that the blackout period in January of 2004 was all part of this insidious rover rendezvous, this illegal droidian download, this planetary probe probing, this hydraulic hanky-panky, this bionic booty call, this mechanical mambo, this….I’m being told to stop.

NASA scientists are considering a phone call to PPS (Probe Protective Services) fearing the unauthorized cybernukie may not be consensual. It is likely that the video, shot by the aptly named "Opportunity", may be deemed child pornography since none of the participants are of age.

Since commands to Opportunity have thus far been ignored, the racy spacey mating ritual may continue for the next several years, or until Opportunity blows a fuse, or blows something else.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Arizona’s Crawdad Menace and Other Disturbing Observations
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Caved-in-Shack, AZ—Something deeply disturbing is happening in Arizona.  No, I’m not talking about Janet Brewer, Immigration laws, or Mick Zano’s naked bar crawls….I’m talking about something reaaalllly disturbing.  Back when I was shelling out ten bucks a bag in New Orleans for mini-lobsters known as crawdads, how could I have known a few years later these same bastards would be on the verge of destroying my state’s ecosystem?

Long-Term Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats
Long-Time Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats

State College, PA—In another complete waste of the tax payer’s dime, two Daily Discord contributors used stimulus funds to conduct research on as many young coeds as they could get their hands on.

"The research was not without its challenges," admitted head researcher, Dave Atsals. "It’s getting harder to get women to let us into their dorm rooms, because we’re older and creepier now."

Fellow researcher, Mick Zano, could not disagree more.  "We were always creepy, Dave." 

The two conducted a study that suggests a robust and perky correlation between marijuana use and college shindiggery.  The journal article, entitled, Dorms, Bongs, and Misdemeanors: A Quaaludeatative Study on Wine, Women, and Weed, is due to post in Lancet, if Winslow can hack into their database when no one is looking. 

The study has survived the rigorous beer-review process and was passed around in a circle along with some choice hydroponic bud.

When asked why the two researchers chose young college women as their test subjects instead of lab rats, they both replied in unison, "You’re kidding, right?"

Actually, there was a long pause before their, back-of-the-throat type, gaspy answer.  The researchers both followed up the question with a long stream of greasy smoke and several STDs.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Toyota Announces Fix for Stuck Gas Pedals and Failed Brakes
Toyota's new emergency arrest system

Toyota announced their fix for the stuck gas pedal problem on some of their most popular models, as well as the brake failure problem on their hybrid Prius.

"We have a sorution.  One fix fol arl moders," said Toyota spokesman Heowaki Kausakarastinki, in a culturally insensitive dialect.

The sorution, uhh, solution, involves the installation of an emergency arrest system activated by pressing a large red button, depicted above, located on the steering wheel.

Kausakarastinki claims the inspiration came from those Staples Easy Button commercials. The fix is available immediately at no charge to the consumer, but it does significantly reduce luggage capacity in the trunk of most models.

Kausakarastinki warns that the button should never be used to deter tailgaters, but he believes the device will gradually have a positive impact on traffic patterns in the future across our great country. 

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Toyota or Christine the Next Generation?
By Pierce Winslow
Demon-spawn Toyota Corolla
Pierce Winslow

Since 1999 more than 2000 Toyota and Lexus owners have reported that their vehicles spontaneously began accelerating out of control, resulting in 19 deaths in 815 crashes, numerous injuries, and millions of dollars in property damage. The Toyota Motor Sales Company has blamed these incidents on everything from faulty floor mats to sticky gas pedals. However, the CTS Corp. of Elkhart, IN, manufacturer of the gas pedals, reports that none of the crashes have been linked to their product, a claim supported by the fact that these pedals weren’t used by Toyota until 2005. So what is going on here, aside from one of the greatest up-ass smoke-blows of all time?

Discord Discovers Truth Behind Mysterious Norway Cloud!
Discord Discovers Truth Behind Mysterious Norway Cloud!...See enclosed decoder ring to decipher God’s message to Earth
See enclosed decoder ring to decipher God’s message to Earth
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Did Darwin's Family Influence His Theory?
Did Darwin's Family Influence His Theory?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
I want to believe Balloon Boy
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Where DID the 21st Century Earth Republicans REALLY Go?
By The Crank

When I was picked to lead Expedition Earth, I was eager to put to rest the age-old question involving the species known as the Republican tribe. Inspired by our recent discovery how the Maya were overrun due to a weak defense, a burdensome public healthcare option, and an almost non-existent immigration policy, we knew we were close to solving an even bigger mystery.  The Republican’s exodus from Earth remained a mystery for ions, which are like eons only futuristically spelt wrong. They didn’t just die off, as some assert, for they were fatter than their Democrat counterparts.  This has since been confirmed by many of the communications of the time. They also had better healthcare than their donkey-loving counterparts.  The Democrat tribe created a federal universal healthcare system for themselves, while their fatter counterparts had their own “specialists” paid by the client, not by the provider, as is done today. There is no record of a war or civil strife of any kind during this critical juncture of human history. Republicans just started to disappear around 2025, with the last vestiges found in cave drawings in abandoned Pennsyltucky Coal mines, circa 2077.

NASA Forges Ahead with Increasingly Suggestive Space Missions
NASA Forges Ahead with Increasingly Suggestive Space Missions
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Specially Processed Swine Food Sparks Global Spamdemic?

San Diego, CA - During a conference on Universal Healthcare in San Diego earlier today, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Minute Mart, unveiled the above map. Created from over fifty cans of SPAM, the map is a cryptic warning of things to come.

“This is what our planet is going to look like by 2014!” shouted Hogbien to a stunned crowd of healthcare professionals.

Among a list of wild assertions, Hogbien insists that Spam is to blame for the current global pandemic. Witnesses report the aged archeologist belted out Monty Python’s Spam song as he was hauled away by hotel security.  The Obama Administration has not released any statement on the matter. CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is calling for a boycott of all Spam related products, “just in case.”  When asked about his life-sized Spam sculpture fountain that typically adorns the annual employee picnic, Winslow became highly agitated.  He started reciting excerpts of Churchill’s speech and then stapled his tie to his forehead.  President Obama has failed to comment on that too.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
McDOORIS: A Very Late Rebuttal Indeed
By The Crank
The Crank

Cell phones are the bane of society?  They will bring about the end of civilization as we know it? My ass. You are like the 300 lb.lady that came into the deli, telling the clerk (me) to make sure he leaves out the maraschino cherries on the rice pudding, as they have red #2 in them, all the while she’s puffing on a fucking camel.

The CRANK MANIFESTO: The Sheer Stupidity Of Going “Green”
By The Crank
The Crank

I understand full well the entire diatribe of reasons why we need to get the needle full of foreign oil out of our collective veins. But the main reason remains this: so the fucking Middle East can go back to lobbing sandbags at each other with catapults even the Geico Cavemen would laugh at.  Other expedient energy sources are fine, provided they pass the smell test.  In my own State of Arizona (as well as my regular state of confusion) it should be illegal to build a house without some form of solar energy. It’s called the Valley of the Sun here for a reason, which, of course, is why Nancy Pelosi is pushing for a Phoenix Hydroelectric plan.  Twit.  If you have ever tried to play golf in July here, it’s like the surface of the sun. The skin coming off my back in sheets is a testament to that. You could pee your pants in front of your mother-in-law at 120 degrees and 6% humidity and she wouldn’t know it.  I’m just saying…theoretically.  It’s the only state where your eyeballs actually shrivel. Up until recently, the brain sturgeons on the HOA’s wouldn’t even let you put up a solar panel for fear of ruining you neighbors view! Blistering dorks all.

Peter Sellers had it Right:  Swine Flu 101
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know.

Ever since the private demo “incident”
Ever since the private demo “incident”...Japanese robot boy programmed to contact Child Protective Services
Japanese robot boy programmed to contact Child Protective Services
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Marijuana Linked to Losing Sponsors
Enlarge...

A study conducted by Northern Arizona University showed a significant correlation between recreational pot use and the losing of massive financial sponsorships. The study looked at seven people at random who had already lost major amounts of money due to revealing pot party photos. Michael Phelps is only the latest victim in a long chain of similar situations, often involving bowls and blunts and bongs, oh my. Professor Schmidt “Smitty” Stoltz, nearing both tenure and senility, suggests that famous sports figures should go back in time and stop their friends from taking pictures of them while in the process of smoking pot.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Breaking Wind
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

People are breaking wind in a big way these days.  Wind breaking for energy means big bucks.  Some analysts estimate $20,000 per back acre a year in royalties (if you can convince your neighbors to put up with the unpleasantries).  Beyond that, you can rent portions of your back acreage to others, allowing them to break wind as well, and substantially increase your earnings.

Hurricane Norbert Targeted Weather Station that Named It
Enlarge...

In the aftermath of hurricane Norbert, which slammed into the Mexican West coast in October, meteorologists believe the category four storm’s Western turn was premeditated. Shortly after the Los Cabos weather station named the storm, the category one hurricane strengthened, changed course, and allegedly made several threatening phone calls to the weather station in question.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Man Hastens Plastic Decomposition While Keeping Family Fed

The MacNama family of Gaithersburg, MD, is now eating seven to ten plastic bags every day in the hope of stretching their ever-shrinking grocery budget.  The bread winner of the family, Fred MacNama, feels “much better” since he started ingesting grocery bags.  Apparently, plastic bags are an excellent source of polyethylene, which one study, conducted by the makers of polyethylene, suggests is non-toxic and arguably roughage. 

“I am saving money, I feel fuller, and I’m doing something for the planet” states MacNama.

Scientists posit that if more people ate their plastic bags, digestive enzymes could shave nearly a century off of the estimated 1,000 year decomposition rate—to say nothing of the potential benefit to our population problem.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Study Finds Obese Children at Greater Risk for Fat Jokes

A recent non-experimental study conducted at Washington Middle School suggests a rotund correlation between heavier children and lipid-related peer-scrutiny (LRPS).  Actually, it was more of a survey, really…OK, we stopped some fat kid in the hall, but we really feel there is something to this.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Pterodactyls and Thunderbirds Account for Most UFO Sightings Says Elvis Clone

After interviewing an Elvis clone at the Graceland Genome Institute and Nail Salon, our own Cokie McGrath had this to say, “These people are &^%$ing creepy.”  McGrath determined that Elvis Clones are tabloid savvy and represent “only a moderate risk to the general public.”

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Hurricane Kills 7, Harasses 3, Before Downgrading to Tropical Storm in an Effort to Elude Police

Forming in a seedy section of the North Atlantic, Hurricane Mel has churned up a devilish trail in his wake. "He got hooked on thermals and warm ocean water, he's been spinning out of control ever since," explains his mother, Hurricane Edna.  Mel’s meteorological mother admits to her own sordid past which includes a long string of tidal surges, heavy winds, and prostitution (mostly blow jobs).  Apparently, the apple did not fall far from the uprooted tree.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Bones of Ancient "Real" Republican Unearthed

Archeologist discovers the fossilized remains of a traditional George Will-like conservative dating back to the pre-Reagan administration.

"This exciting find could provide key evidence for the comparative study of Republican de-evolution," claims archeologist Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Microbrewery. "The skull is 31% larger than today’s social conservative," continues Hogbein, "and the pelvic bone suggests a much larger and heavier scrotal sack."

Newer conservatives seem to have lost the ability to use tools, keep governments small, and maintain even a rudimentary budget.

"Perhaps," posits Hogbein, "evolution is getting even with the non-believers."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Time Traveling Prankster Tells Aztecs the Sun Will Extinguish Without Human Blood.

"Having a Time Lord for a son has its challenges," admits Jimmy's mother. "He has always been a jokester—always putting a whoopee cushion on your seat, propping a bucket of water over a doorway, or setting your bed on fire while you sleep. Such a goof, that boy." Jimmy's father had this to say about his son's recent Aztec hijinks, "Well, it's better than that time he shot the Archduke Ferdinand."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
By Alex Bone
Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
Alex Bone

In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.

Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots
Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord field reporter Cokie McGrath has interviewed a homeless person who believes he is the first human to have met a new race of alien Bigfoots. He believes society is in grave danger and that he alone holds the key to fend off Parmageddon. Yes, he said Parmageddon, because he believes the aliens are after our Italian cheeses. The man agreed to release his full name, Jesus Christ, during an exclusive Discord interview.

The gentleman agreed to answer three of Cokie’s questions, per 40-oz malt liquor product. We did not receive any of the emergency funds supposedly wired to us via our CEO, Pierce Winslow, for this purpose, so we were only able to scrounge up enough cash to get three questions answered. The first question was unfortunately wasted by asking the man if he wanted St. Ides or Schlitz, but Cokie’s second question is why she remains at the top of her game.

He replied, "No, I have my own brown bag."

Yes, this was going badly.  But the third question would forever change team Search Truth Quest’s understanding of cryptid primates, alien abductions, as well as Flagstaff’s strict open container laws.

Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?
Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?

Alliance, NE—An unprecedented and quite artistic wave of fecal designs are now dotting the midwestern landscape.  These titanic turds are part of an unexplained phenomenon known as ‘crap circles.’  Unsure of the precise cause, scientists have not ruled out extra terrestrial fecal matter (ETFM).  Local art communities describe the sacred mounds as Fart-Deco.  Could these be the same shitting stars locals are now spotting across the night sky with increasing irregularity?  A total of seventeen such post-intestinistic displays have thus far been discovered. Most of these circular poo piles (CPPs) are located in the corn fields surrounding Alliance, NE. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Lube, is calling these events Close Encounters of the Number 2 kind.  The aged archeologist believes the site’s proximity to Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica created from old cars, is no coincidence.

"Carhenge is an ancient structure that holds unknown energies," said Hogbein of the 1987 constructed sculpture. "It’s also one of the few Midwestern tourist oddities that can be seen from space—er, well, very low space," corrected Hogbein.  "This makes it a great intergalactic restroom of sorts."

Hogbein posits that the deposits originate beyond our solar septic system and, perhaps, some alien race is aiming for Carhenge like a cosmic bull’s-eye.

"Regardless, it lends credence to Hawkins recent statements about avoiding contact with aliens," said Hogbein.  "He, in particular, would have a hard time getting out of the way of one of these plummeting brown beauties." 

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
New Theory of T-Rex Anatomy Emerges
New Theory of T-Rex Anatomy Emerges

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Buffalo Wings, has posited an entirely new theory regarding the anatomical structure of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dr. Hogbein believes these impressive creatures still roam the Earth, "every time I mix salvia and happy hour well-drinks."

The image (above) was originally sent to the Paleontological Institute in Ithaca, NY, after being scrawled across a bar coaster from nearby Ithaca Brewing Company. World renowned T-Rexpert, Dr. Robert Bakker, did not return our calls so we contacted the actor who played the paleontologist in those Jurassic Park films. And now we have another restraining order.

Despite a wave of mounting ridicule, Dr. Hogbein is not backing off his theory. "I know what I saw after last call in Ithaca, in that alley, after ingesting massive quantities of illict substances. And if I ever see that grungy shit show of a homeless person, I promise to [CENSORED]."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "I love Ithaca Brewing Company! I even wore one of their T-shirts during our last news bulletin. What was the question again?"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Archeologist Dates Great Pyramid of Vegas to 1991 AD
Archeologist Dates Great Pyramid of Vegas to 1991 AD

Las Vegas, NV—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, believes Ancient Veganitians built the 15-story casino hotel for the sole purpose of human sacrifice.  Using astronomical and archeological techniques, Dr. Hogbein has dated the massive Las Vegas structure to early 1991—more specifically, construction began between Nirvana’s music video Smells Like Teen Spirit and Weird Al Yankovich’s video spoof of Nirvana’s work, Smells Like Nirvana.

With only a ladder to aid him, Dr. Hogbein attempted to decipher the ancient obelisk that stands before the mighty structure.  However, his efforts were soon thwarted by hotel security, who immediately escorted him off the premises. 

Dr. Hogbein claims, "Hundreds of thousands of victims were sacrificed to the ‘Serpent of Chance’ (Gamblycoatl), as well as the ‘One Armed Bandits’ (Slottakayaloot)."

These ancient gamblers were repeatedly beaten with black jacks and spun on diabolical torture devices known as Roulette Wheels.  Hogbein also posits that, despite their name, Veganitians were carnivores.  By combing the entire sewer system under the ancient structure, Hogbein discovered a menu that apparently had meat listed on it.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Massive Home Scrotal Defibrillator Recall!
Massive Home Scrotal Defibrillator Recall!
Today's incident brings new meaning to the words "goodness gracious great balls of fire."
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The Lowell Observatory Incident: Putting the Ass Back Into Asstronomy
The Lowell Observatory Incident: Putting the Ass Back into Asstronomy
More Videos...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ancient Alien Secrets Revealed!
Ancient Alien Secrets Revealed!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Huge Stone Egg Discovered Under Notre-Dame Gargoyle
Huge Stone Egg Discovered Under Notre-Dame Gargoyle

Paris, FR—Yesterday an unexpected oddity appeared amidst the gothic spires of France’s famous Notre-Dame Cathedral.  Night watchmen were stunned to find a seventy-five pound egg resting under the gargoyle that the guards affectionately call Le Pénis.  Notre Dame’s chief of security, Louis Etienne, a man the guards also affectionately called Le Pénis, informed the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, “This is either an elaborate hoax or a not so elaborate hoax.”  Cokie added, “Either way, we’ll know when it hatches.”

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Study: Dolphins Capable of “Swearing Like Sailors”
Study: Dolphins Capable of “Swearing Like Sailors”, “Yeah, well, F^%$ You , human F^%$ers!!!"
“Yeah, well, F^%$ you, human F^%$ers!!!"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Godzilla Accused of Racial Profiling
Godzilla Accused of Racial Profiling

The Pacific Ocean—A Japanese fishing vessel went missing just after the captain reported a near miss with a giant black iceberg. His last words were, "The iceberg...it saw us!" We all know what that means; Godzilla is back in town, well, not our town. You see, Godzilla is a racist. He only targets the Japanese. Isn’t it time Godzilla stopped supporting a Republican agenda? Grow up Godzilla. Learn to kill indiscriminately, like Obama.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
GOP Science Weekly!
GOP Science Weekly! Fetal Masturbation Linked to 3rd Trimester Blindness
Fetal Masturbation Linked to 3rd Trimester Blindness
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Massive Ice Deposits Found in Man’s Freezer
Massive Ice Deposits Found in Man’s Freezer

Manhasset, NY—Late last night, water crystallized in the freezer of one, Jack Stellar.

"It happened almost overnight," said Stellar, "as if someone didn’t shut the freezer door properly."

When asked, the 37 year old, live-alone bachelor had no idea who that someone might be.

The next morning the situation became so dire that closing the freezer door became next to impossible.  Stellar described his freezer as resembling an "arctic ice cave." Mr. Stellar told reporters several food items are now hopelessly entombed in a fortress of frozen water.

"There’s a Ben & Jerry’s in there," said Stellar.  "I’m not sure what’s going to happen to it.  No one is giving me any answers.  Luckily the ice cube trays were already empty, or this could have been much worse." 

Stellar reports mounting several expeditions into the freezer today, but he only managed to bend several spoons, most irreparably.

When asked if he had learned anything from this mishap, Stellar said, "Yeah, don’t call 911. Even the fate of a perfectly good Cherry Garcia is apparently not deemed an emergency by crisis personnel."

Matt Drudge and Fox News are already jumping on the incident and calling it yet another blow to the theory of Global Warming.   Al Gore was unavailable for comment.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
New Technology Lets Blind See Porn
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

We stand on the cusp of a new era where man and machine will finally merge, creating an ultimate hive mind that does nothing but stare at cute cat pictures on the internet. While hover boards, flying cars, and moon bases seem distant dreams, there is something to be said for having a device that fits in your pocket and brings you porn on demand.

Voted Best Product 2012: Tens of Thousands of Zombie Feeders Recalled
Voted Best Product 2012: Tens of Thousands of Zombie Feeders Recalled

Ronco is in hot water today as the massive recall of their new zombie brain feeder is staggering (pardon the pun). There are clear concerns about the safety of the feeders released in early 2010.

One family from Michigan had this to say, "The thing leaks. While we were setting it up in a tree, it oozed spinal fluid, blood, and bits of gray matter all over my children! I’ll bet that’s a biohazard."

Shortly after installation another family from Des Moines was ravaged and turned into zombies themselves when they failed to secure a back door properly.

"They were a nice family and now they’re a bloody nuisance," said a neighbor who knew the Hendersons. "I had to shoot one of them in the head, and eventually I’m guessing it’s more of the same for the rest of ‘em."

One good note, the neighbor reports their own zombie feeder seems to "keep them amused for hours."

Zombie rights activists claim it’s not actually feeding them, which is false advertising. They claim it is making a spectacle of all zombies and is clearly violating their living dead rights.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
WHO: A New Wave of Superbugs Pose Dire Threat
WHO: A New Wave of Superbugs Pose Dire Threat
Remember: service guarantees citizenship!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Man Attempts to Reintroduce Twinkies into the Wild
Man Attempts to Reintroduce Twinkies into the Wild

Grand Forks, ND—Dan Frakkes was frantic after Hostess announced its pending bankruptcy. The future of such snack favorites as the Twinkie and the Ding Dong remains uncertain at this time. In desperation, Frakkes cashed in his 401K and used all of his funds in the hopes of distributing enough Twinkies into the wild to survive the winter. He has dispersed his tiny sponge cake legion throughout the badlands of North Dakota.

The Discord’s Crank added, "I don’t exactly know what this guy is doing, but I applaud his efforts."

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, said, "The DNA diversity is going to be an issue. How are these creatures going to maintain a viable breeding stock? First of all, they should have been tagged, second, the badlands are the last place I would have chosen for the release and, finally, Frakkes admitted to devouring more than he is releasing."

Dr. Hogbein also believes he should have released them all in one place. "Twinkies are likely herd animals," said Hogbein. "There are also questions as to what natural prey awaits the Twinkie. Who can guess whether Twinkies will be immediately devoured or if they will survive, mutate, and one day dominate the world itself! Indeed, if they die out we may lose an incredibly tasty snack food, but, if such treats can survive in the wild, we may be witnessing the beginning of the Entenmanns!"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ritalin Added to School Water Supply?
Ritalin Added to School Water Supply?

St. Louis, MO—The children in Missouri are simply not proficient in math and science. Too often they fail to understand even the basic concepts their teachers are trying to convey. Missouri is not alone as many of our states are literally not making the grade.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, "I have spoken to hundreds of teachers across the country and they all say the same thing. Sir, did you sign in at the front desk? Sir, where is your visitor’s badge? Sir, that’s the girl’s locker room."

Teachers believe many of their students are ADD, ADHD, or display hyperactive traits depending on the time of day and their high-fructose-corn-syrup levels. They are behavioral train wrecks.

The good doctor’s solution? To add significant quantities of Ritalin to the school’s water supply. Dr. Hogbein believes the trick will be to reach a therapeutic dose without adding too much so our water supply becomes sellable on the black market.

"Hey, it worked with fluoride," said Hogbein.

Whereas Dr. Hogbein’s plan is meeting considerable opposition, his initiative to Add-Xanax-to-Faculty-Water-Coolers has already been implemented.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Rover Finds Life On Mars!
Rover Finds Life On Mars! Jesus, would you Google people give it a rest?!
Jesus, would you Google people give it a rest?!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Higgs-Boson Particle Reveals New 10 Commandments!
Higgs-Boson Particle Reveals New 10 Commandments!

Geneva, CH— Many are perplexed and stunned by first subatomic particle communication ever. Scientists don’t know what to make of a message from the Higgs Boson, the ‘so called’ God Particle:

Listen Up Human MFs!

  1. Thou shall have no other particles before me, because most tend to beat me up for my lunch money.
  2. Thou shall not take the Higgs Bosons name in valence... I’m so small I can not even bond with anyone properly, covalent or otherwise. So I am a jealous particle! And none of that divalent bonding shit...too kinky.
  3. Shut off those fucking particle accelerators. You try going around in circles at near light speeds without the benefit of Dramamine, bitches.
  4. Thou shall not murder. Contract out for that shit, for real. That’s a universal truth.
  5. Thou shall not Split Atoms! This means ye. Trust me, bashing the crap out of countless tiny civilizations is a bad karma fuckfest. We’re here! We’re quark! Get used to it!!
  6. Dark Matter is real! In fact, you just stepped in some.
  7. Avoid creating a micro black hole. They tend to suck. They can suck a neutron clear off a titanium atom’s nucleus. I know, I used to date one.
  8. On the 7th day, take a chill pill. Don’t even fart. What’s simply a bad snack choice on your part can obliterate entire worlds down here. On that note, outlaw all Mexican food. Mexico doesn’t realize how close it is to collapsing on a subatomic level.
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neil-bohrs. Sorry, a little quantum physicist joke. That one killed them in Geneva.
  10. I think I left out the one about the donkey, but don’t do things with donkeys, or your neil-bohrs ass. Duh.
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
H.G. Ertel’s The Time Machine
By Ertel
H.G. Ertel’s The Time Machine
H. G. Ertel

For years scientists have disputed the possibility of time travel: matter can't travel faster than the speed of light, Zefram Cochrane won’t be born until the next century, yada yada. Other scientists just dodge the question entirely with things like, "I'm more than a little busy looking at these glass slides and shuffling these papers around" ...and, "How did you get passed the retinal scan to get in here, anyway?"

Dino Farts the Cause of Prehistoric Global Warming?
By Erisa Brahe
Dino Farts the Cause of Prehistoric Global Warming?
Erisa Brahe

Late Jurassic Period, Earth – I am standing here in the middle of a Mesozoic marsh where I have sunk the Discord’s company Delorean past the fenders. As I wait for a creepy green puppet to appear and pull my car out of the mud with his mind, I figured I should report this story—a story I broke the boundaries of time and space to tell. There is evidence Global Warming happened in the prehistoric past, but the facts stink!

Mid-Flight Aircraft Mating Rituals Baffle Scientists
Mid-Flight Aircraft Mating Rituals Baffle Scientists
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Russian Prehistoric Lake Drilling Unleashes Zombie Plague!
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Antarctica–Early February, after twenty years of drilling through thousands of feet of Antarctic ice, the Russians finally reached Lake Vostok. Sadly, being February, most of the researchers died the next night of exposure after their celebratory baby whale roast. Vostok, a fresh water lake sealed off from the Antarctic surface since the early Miocene epoch, has been the source of much speculation. It has attracted the attention of mad scientists, neo Nazis, tinfoil-wearing alien hunters, and even mad-Nazi-tinfoil-wearing Discord reporters. 

Review of the 'Accu-Check Aviva' Glucose Monitoring System
By The Crank
The Crank

Or, as I like to call it, "Ignorance in Design, Futility in Function". As you can probably glean from the title, this is one beige gorilla who will be looking for another way to test my glucose. Years of Twinkies and ‘hecho en Mexico’ Coke have started to take their toll. Maybe Hostess going under isn’t such a bad thing... Meanwhile, my dear Doctor has told me I must take horsey-pill sized meds to help me stave off the seemingly inevitable fat man’s disease...Twinkities.

Fibonacci Was a Fruit Loop
Fibonacci Was a Fruit Loop, Ahh, but those yummy fructose fractal flakes...
Ahh, but those yummy fructose fractal flakes...
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Scientists Discover then Ostracize "God Particle"
Scientists Discover then Ostracize "God Particle"

Geneva, CH—At the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the largest particle accelerator in the world, scientists have finally discovered the elusive ‘God Particle.’ The particle, known also as the Higgs-Boson, was cornered by the collider’s ATLAS Detector and then relentlessly taunted by scientists for several hours. Finally succumbing to the incessant verbal assault, the particle eventually winked out of existence entirely to the backdrop of cheering physicists.

"We think it’s fitting that a piece of engineering named after a pagan Titan finally nabbed the bastard," said one scientist, referring to the facility’s ATLAS detector. "God had it coming after setting back this planet countless centuries with his God-awful teachings, pardon the pun."

"We gave him a Richard Dawkins-style welcome," said Dr. Adam Smascheer of the cryogenic’s department. "We had thought about dropping Darwin’s Origin of the Species on the damned thing from a ladder, but we don’t want to stoop to his level. There’s also a lot of OSHA paperwork involved in climbing ladders these days."

God, believed to have winked out existence for good, was unavailable for commandment…er, comment.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
This is a fractal look at the internet; the core is, of course, hard core.
This is a fractal look at the internet; the core is, of course, hard core.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Cantaloupe Attacks More Brazen!
Cantaloupe Attacks More Brazen! Fruit threat level raised to orange
Fruit threat level raised to orange
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Local Man is First in Nuclear Nasal Fusion
Local Man is First Nuclear Nasal Fusion, Wife lives in constant fear of next sneezing fit
Wife lives in constant fear of next sneezing fit
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Methodology of Latest Discord Study Questioned
Methodology of Latest Discord Study Questioned
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
TSA Unveils New Airport Security Screening Portals
TSA Unveils New Airport Security Screening Portals
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Should I be Concerned?
Should I be Concerned? This "degree" was on my therapist's wall
This "degree" was on my therapist's wall
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
By The Crank
The 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon, or Mrs. Vader Your Car is Ready
The Crank

One day in the late sixties, Carroll Shelby tried talking Bill Cosby into buying one of his Cobra Super Snake sports cars. For those who remember Cosby’s recording of "200 Miles an Hour," he wanted a car that does 200 mph to get to work. But, after just one ride, he handed back the keys—suggesting this would be better in the hands of a George Wallace, or a Buzz Aldrin, or a Starbuck of Galactica fame. The car was resold to a gentleman who promptly killed himself shortly thereafter. It was not a car to be taken lightly. The new CTS-V wagon is also not to be taken lightly.

Discord Proves Apollo Conspiracy!
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

It’s been 40 years since Apollo 11 and 37 years since Apollo 17, and, perhaps more importantly, 15 years since Ron Howard’s movie Apollo 13.  One would think we’d have made significant advancements in spaceflight since Apollo 17, the last manned space-flight to the moon.  You would also think Ron Howard would have a sequel by now.  The Wright Brothers’ first flight occurred in 1903, and just about 40 years later (1947), Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier in a rocket-powered aircraft.  Why haven’t we made any advancements in super-orbital space flight in the last four decades?  Because the manned moon landings never happened…  And now we have proof!

Is Our Scientific Research Becoming too Suggestive?
Is Our Scientific Research Becoming too Suggestive?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
PETA Rebuttal: All U.S. Beef from Free-Range Cattle
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

PETA has argued for years people should boycott meat, especially beef, because of the widespread inhumane treatment of the cattle.  These animals are allegedly caged or housed in overcrowded, dirty holding pens for their entire lives, much like Discord staffers.  I recently interviewed Angus Fleischflanker of Beef.org regarding allegations made by PETA.  The following is an actual transcript from that actual interview that actually happened sometime in the actual past.

Apple to Unleash the iPud
Apple to Unleash the iPud

Cupertino, CA—Apple Computer, Inc is at it again, folks.  They are very excited to announce the release of their new sex-life enhancement module, the iPud.  You too can now download music, play video games, and bang as many hos as you want—all with just a click!  It’s duel action, which means…well, since we’re Geek Squad types, we don’t really know what that means, but we’re sure you’ll figure it out. 

The iPud also comes with GPS capability, so you’ll always know just where the fuck you are.  And, for our senior citizens—otherwise known as Discord staffers—consider the cash you’ll save on Viagra.  Turn your software into hardware with just a touch of a screen.  Use your own God-given apparatus or tag your teammate, the iPud, for endless hours of binary boinking.  You will never need an expansion card to download ever again! And, no matter where you stick your iPud, it can still check email, take photos, and text.  Caution: texting while driving is illegal in most orifices. 

Order your iPud today!  …void where prohibiPud.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
NASA's Startling Mono Lake Admission
NASA's Startling Mono Lake Admission: Somehow we never thought to look for weird shit here
Somehow we never thought to look for weird shit here
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The Event Verizon: How the Military Industrial Complex Tried to Kill The Daily Discord
By Pierce Winslow
The Verizon Event: How the Military Industrial Complex Tried to Kill The Daily Discord
Pierce Winslow

I awoke earlier than any human should, scraped my scurvy ass out of bed, cleaned the pool, showered, and bulldozed through 45 minutes of Philly’s best combat traffic (in my universe Route 476+276+202=666).  Then, right after resituating myself in my vexatious chair, my personal annoyance device (PAD) vibrates right next to my nads at 7:30 AM.

FDA Approves Morning After/Roofies Combo
FDA Approves Morning After/Roofies Combo

Washington, DC--A new controversial pill is on the market today that is so irresponsible and frivolous it's bound to be covered by Obamacare. Sometimes you just want to drug some one or another, be it chick, guy, chick-guy, or barnyard animal. Sure, you want to boink the babeage, but who needs the hassle of 18 years of child support? So, what's a horny-criminal minded to do? Well, Johnson & Swollen Johnson is at it again with a new product line that is surely aimed to please. Xrapeabortz will knock her out without knocking her up! It's a win win for all.

A recent study suggests Xrapeabortz works better than placebo. As a matter of fact, placebo woke up feeling a little sore the next morning. Side effects may include a10-15 year prison sentence, dry mouth, and someones’ breakfast and/or cab fare. Stop living in the shadows. Well, actually, stay in the shadows or you might be identified. What are you waiting for? Ask your probation officer if Xrapeabortz is right for you.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
The Bone Gang Destroys Pluto
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print.  Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?

New Sierra Club Measures to Protect Non-Numanity Habitats
New Sierra Club Measures to Protect Non-Numanity Habitats
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Jupiter Has Success on South Belt Diet
By L. Wolfe
Jupiter before and after going on the South Belt Diet
L. Wolfe

Jupiter has recently lost its south equatorial belt after just 5 months on the new "South Belt Diet" (SBD).  Experts report that Jupiter has lost over 330,000 km of belt in just over 140 days (that’s over 5.2 billion belt holes to you and me!).

Hawk V. Alien: Hawking Calls for Preemptive Attack on All Class M Planets
Hawk V. Alien: Hawking Calls for Preemptive Attack on All Class M Planets

Cambridgeshire, GB—Stephen Hawking insists we must Avoid All Contact with Aliens (AACA).

"First, those cowboys over at SETI must be stopped! Second, we need to intercept and destroy Voyager.  Sending out a deep space probe with directions back to Earth was the stupidest thing Carl Sagan ever did, barring Contact."

Hawking went on to describe Jodie Foster’s performance as "appalling."

Hawking is also calling for world leaders to consider a preemptive attack on all known class M planets.  When our own Cokie Mcgrath pointed out how the Class M planet is a fictional Star Trek reference, Hawking drove his wheelchair repeatedly over her toes. Earlier today, Netflix leaked Hawking’s movie rental list, which included a number of fifties sci-fi invasion movie classics.

Hawking denies the films influenced his opinion, before saying, "They’re already among us! Keep looking up!" and, "It’s a cookbook!"

Hawking believes an actual alien encounter would be similar to the movie Mars Attacks--a film Hawking believes has "an eerie almost prophetic realism," but he warned, "don’t count on Slim Whitman’s yodeling to save us."

Hawking then quoted an interstellar version of Cheney’s One Percent Doctrine, "If there’s even a one percent chance the aliens have an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator, as seen on Bugs Bunny, we should blast the shit out of ‘em."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
North Pole Packs Up, Moves to the Far East: Discord Discovers Cause!
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

The Earth’s North Magnetic Pole has been guiding navigation for well over a thousand years. Some of the earliest known maps depicting the approximate location of the Earth’s northern pole placed it just off modern day Murmansk. Not to be confused with singer/actress Ethel Mermansk. The exact location of the pole was first discovered by James Clark Ross in 1831 at Cape Adelaide on the Boothia Peninsula in Northern Canada (while playing hockey naked).

City’s Expansion of Zombie Addiction Clinic Questioned
City’s Expansion of Zombie Addiction Clinic Questioned

Santa Fe, NM— Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is under increasing scrutiny for his downtown zombie treatment center.

"Look, if we even get twenty-percent of all zombies to forgo brains, it could be the difference between our survival or extinction during the next zombie uprising," said Hogbein.

Hogbein boasts the staff-to-client ratio at his W. Rodeo Lurch-In Clinic is excellent, "Or the staff would be eaten."  The program is spiritual based and follows the ‘12 Stagger Model,’ wherein each zombie is taught that ‘one brain is too much and a thousand is never enough.’

Dr. Hogbein feels zombies are a misunderstood, and ultimately redeemable, species.  A second program at the institute involves teaching the more chronic living-impaired to only eat the brains of other zombies.

"Zombies are smarter than eats the eye," said Hogbein, laughing.  "After all, you can’t argue that brain is brain food."

When questioned further, Hogbein admitted none of his consumers have made it past Stagger One, which states: We admitted to ourselves that we are powerless over brains and that our deaths have become unmanageable.

The Institute’s plans for a Radioactively Enlarged Insect Wellness Clinic and an Alien Gestalt Therapy Center are also under growing scrutiny from city officials.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Can You Scare Me Now?
In a bold move, Verizon expands coverage to reach fifites horror movies
In a bold move, Verizon expands coverage to reach fifties horror movies
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
iTit Set to Perk up Winter Sales
iTit Set to Perk up Winter Sales

Apple does it again. Today Apple announced the successful development of a breast implant that can both store and play music.  The iTit only costs $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. The surgery to install the device is not included, but talk about Silicon Valley!  And here’s the best part, guys—just hitting the play button will get you great music and to second base.  This is also being considered a major social breakthrough, because women have always complained how men stare at their breasts but don’t listen to them.  That problem ends today!  You may also choose to listen to NPR (Nipple Public Radio) to stay abreast of the situation. And, tuning into the right station has never been more fun.

But wait, there’s more!

If you order now, we’ll throw in the second iTit free! The item does come with a manufacture’s warning: there is a slight risk of suffocation when using the surround sound feature, but, hey, if you gotta go... 

Batteries not included and void where probhibitit.  Yes, we used that joke again. Apparently, they come in pairs.  Apple did have some bad news today.  Their latest line of booty-mounted smart phones, the Dingleberry, only comes in brown. (Hat tip: Tommy T.) 

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Large Hadron Collider Downed by Refried Beans
By L. Wolfe
Large Hadron Collider Downed by Refried Beans
L. Wolfe

A mysterious hand from the future has once again stymied the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, conveniently located on the border of SwitzerFrance.  Well, perhaps it’s not the hand of the future, but the large intestine of the future.  LHC scientists reported start-up of the LHC has, once again, been delayed as a result of unforeseen circumstances.  A year and a half ago it was a mysterious electrical failure, a few months ago it was a baguette-carrying bird.  Now, it seems, refried beans are the culprit.

Moon Ambassadors Claim NASA Bomb Obliterates Daycare Center
Moon Ambassadors Claim NASA Bomb Obliterates Daycare Center...They warn illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator now trained on Earth!
They warn illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator now trained on Earth!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
H1N1 Straining Human/Cyborg Relations

Washington, DC - World leaders met at the White House today to address the critical issue of our time.

“The time for debate is over,” warned President Obama.  “An appropriate name for the current pandemic virus must be found.”

The World Health Organization has thus far been unable to find a politically correct name for this dangerous strain of influenza.  The original designation, Swine Flu, was deemed offensive to the Jewish community, and the second attempt, Mexican Flu, immediately angered the Mexican “Government”.  The third and little known suggestion, Mexico Shitty, never made it through the testing process.  Even the seemingly generic title H1N1 is now apparently straining human/cyborg relations.  The ACME line of H1N1 house droids, a distant cousin of the R2 unit, are outraged that their name is being used in such a fashion.

One H1N1 unit had this to say, “001011001101010, bitches!”

In an effort to smooth over this increasingly tense situation, the World Health Organization is suggesting that H1N1 be renamed one last time. 

“After much debate,” said Obama. “I am happy to announce that the flu will from hence forth be known as Piggy Pox.”

In a preemptive move, Obama also suggested that Miss. Piggy, “Zip it.”

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Lowell Observatory Discovers Really Hot Chick in Sedona

Flagstaff, AZ - The Lowell Observatory has discovered an impressive binary, D-cup, star system just thirty miles south of their Mars Hill location.  Business is booming since the observatory shifted her historic Clark telescope toward the sun bathing escapades of one Kristy Felldorfer of Sedona, AZ.

Professor Nicholas Steiger had this to say about the new events calendar:  “She usually flips on the hour, so her twin binary system is viewable at 1:00, 3:00, and 5:00 PM.”

This attraction is highlighted by a dual aureole effect, tantalizingly cresting at the poles.  On alternating hours, 12:00, 2:00, and 4:00 PM, the full moon appears over the southern horizon to the roar of some horny astronomy enthusiasts. 

Professor Steiger admits to playing more with his Polaris since the recent change in venue, but as Steiger put it, “Take my wife, Pleiades.”

Steiger then laughed at his own joke to the point of choking. 

One of the Observatory’s second year interns, Duane Rufus, had this to say: “Finally, a heavenly body worth tracking.”

Rufus is considering the implications of an even closer encounter with Ms. Feldorfer and is planning an away mission this fall.  The Observatory hopes to boost gift shop sales with color photo spreads of what astronomers have come to call the Kristy Felldorfer Experience.  Is this just the beginning for the Fantastic Voyeurs?  Professor Steiger’s latest empirical article Turn that Hubble, Putz, onto those Bubble Butts has met with mixed reviews. 

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
New, Universal Scientific Unit System Unveiled
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

This week a big breakthrough occurred at the Scientific Homologation, Institution, and Technologies conference in Amsterdam. Attendees have simplified the diverse, often contradicting lexicon of science by integrating all known scientific units into a single measurement system that is more encompassing than the metric system, and far less complicated than the standard system. This new system, known officially as the Integrated Dichotomous Infrastructure or Omniscient Treatise System, depending on which table of scientists you are talking to, has revolutionized the scientific community and has incredible and substantial application to every day life. 

Increased Logging Endangers ROUS Habitat
Increased Logging Endangers ROUS Habitat...Bono to organize Fireswamp benefit concert
Bono to organize Fireswamp benefit concert
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Al-Jazeera to Broadcast New Bin Laden Videotape in HD?!

It blows the mind to think Osama Bin Troglodyting is able to switch to HD, but the American people need a hundred years notice. Who lives in a third-world country now?  I have been waiting, patiently, for a decade or more for movies and television to jive. Most folks will never realize why their three-thousand dollar home theater still isn’t the same as the movies.  Is it that hard, people?  If you are not prepared for this format transition by now, you will never be. The dumbest thing Obama has done to date, besides squander another gazillion dollar, ah, what are the Chinese overlords calling our money now?  Anyway, extending the deadline for the technologically challenged is pointless.  I am willing to bet my last yenpeso that Obama’s six courtesy months will yield less than a dozen converts nationwide.  I can appreciate people in destitutesylvania battling their aluminum-foil-covered rabbit ears, but it’s time to make way for technology, coat hanger boy.  Why should I lose 1/3 of the movie for most of my adult life for people who are never ever going to switchover, or even friggin notice?  Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to kickback with a cold one and watch the latest Osama Bin Laden video the way Allah intended

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Neurillogical: Why Some People Are Wrong For Soooo Long
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The origins of clinical neuropsychology are rooted in efforts to address the effects of head injuries sustained by soldiers during World War II.  Neuroscientists prefer to study brains when they are not functioning properly, Abbey Normal, if you will.  In other words, why wait for the next world war?  There is a wealth of knowledge studying Bush and his minions, right here, right now (Jesus Jones, 1990).  Bush can, and should, be studied in every psych 101 class.  He is the quintessential example of almost every brand of tortured logic.  Robert A. Burton, MD has recently spent a great deal of time studying the neural underpinnings of knowing, and what he discovered, much like Pokey’s fascination with the Shit Goblins, is both intriguing and frightening.  Dr. Burton looked into how we know what we know, and his answer is surprising (he doesn’t know).

The Dimming Dilemma
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

Al Gore and the environmental stewards of the world have been pushing us to stop burning fossil fuels before we all shrivel under Venus-like greenhouse effects into tiny crispy-critter char-balls (CCCBs).  OK, Alfonso, we all agree something needs to be done.  We all want to reduce our carbon footprint, although maybe in the U.S. “carbon ass-print” is more like it. One option, which I have written about previously here at the Discord, is wind energy.  Certainly breaking wind makes us all feel better.  But, solar energy is another option recently championed by the green meanies.

Study finds nine out of ten elephant-artists actually just huffing
Study finds nine out of ten elephant-artists actually just huffing
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Attempt to Fly Texas Panhandle to Gulf Deemed ‘Abysmal Failure’
Enlarge...

If it truly is all about location, location, location, then the desolate Texas panhandle is fated to remain the barren wasteland that it is today. Gulf front property is allegedly the real inspiration behind the multitudes of ‘wind generators’ dotting the northern Texas landscape.

“We’re sick of being permanently wedged between the suckier parts of Oklahoma and the suckier parts of Texas,” states project manager Biff Ayers.  “Why should gulf towns have all the fun?”  Ayers is not discouraged by the fact that the 26,000 square-mile landmass has not moved an inch since the onset of the covert operation: Project Institute Mobilization of Panhandle (PIMP).

“In retrospect positioning the fans to face north would have helped,” admits Ayers.  “It’s just as easy to get these things right, you know.”  The Daily Discord is astounded by the naivety of this ill-fated endeavor, and our own CEO Pierce Winslow believes it would take “easily twice as many fans” to get this plan off the ground.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
The West Nile, Virus, Bird Flu, Weaponized Anthrax, and Other Things that Make You Go Hmmmm.
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

In 1999 an outbreak of disease previously unknown to North America was identified in New York—the West Nile Virus.  You may have since heard of it.  In 2001, the anthrax attacks on the U.S. utilized a pure (or even weaponized) form of the bacterium that many experts agree could have only been manufactured under tight laboratory conditions at an expense only possible in a state-sponsored program (as opposed to Bin Laden’s cave-sponsored programs).  In 2004, an outbreak of a potentially pandemic viral disease appeared in China before achieving a high fatality rate around the globe (not related to their food industry prowess).

Risk of SIDS Increasing in U.S.
Risk of SIDS Increasing in U.S.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Franco-Swiss “Research” Alliance Will Create Earth-Swallowing Black Hole!
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

The French and Swiss governments unveiled a new weapon of mass destruction costing in excess of nine billion dollars. This weapon, the most terrible and destructive force ever conceived by man, will soon swallow the Earth in a man-made black hole. Those of the mind that France is already a stinking black hole will not be entirely surprised by this development.

Study Finds Fibromyalgia Linked to Bull Shit

A recent study conducted on seventeen bitchy women and three lazy sacks of shit (LSS) found moderate to high levels of bovine fecundity sprinkled liberally into their medical disability claim forms.  This shit is likely to spread to such questionable diagnosis as Chronic Unemployment Syndrome and Irresponsible Bowel.  Researchers predict that, if left uncompensated, this might even impact sufferers of Employtile Dysfunction and Restless Keg Syndrome.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Global Warming and Learned to Love the Sun
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

The global computer model supports the notion of an array of “natural” factors contributing to climate change, such as solar fluctuations, fluctuations in the earth’s magnetic field, fluctuations in volcanic activity, and flatulations in a little understood process of planetary gas emissions known as Earth Fart (www.ProjectEarthFart.org). For more on this subject see my beer-reviewed journal article entitled Earth, Earth, the Magical Fruit.

Cloning of Japanese Chia Pet Condemned as ‘Abomination’ by local Sea Monkeys

It’s been a long week and I still haven’t gotten to the bank or post office, so could you please use your imagination a little bit? Humor me. Think about how oriental Chia Pets would react to the unethical cloning of those freaky childhood monkey-brine thingies from our childhoods.  I wanted a decoder ring.  They sounded cool.  Sea monkeys were OK, I suppose, but there was nothing really monkey-like about them.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection

Despite the fact that 17 year old Becky Forrest of Clifton, NJ tested positive for Chlamydia and HPV at her July physical examination, she is maintaining her chastity. “It’s been challenging to earn crack money and keep my abstinence pledge,” says Becky.  Her mother Greta Forrest couldn’t be prouder, “I believe her.  Aside from selling most of our belongings for drug money, she’s an angel.”  Becky’s mother beamed at the doctor’s report with an unparallel level of motherly denial.  “There’s the hand of god at work here…or certainly some part of god.”

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Viagra Warns: Number of Uncontrollable Erections Set to Rise

Viagra spokesperson, Dale 'Stiffy' O'Tool, admits that priapism, an erection that could last for upwards of fourteen hours, is going to be an even bigger problem in the future. "Conducting laboratory studies on this subject has been touchy," admits O'Tool, "but not in a good way."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Videos
Search Truth Quest: EP1 Part 3: Lair of the Hot Barista
Search Truth Quest: EP1 Part 3: Lair of the Hot Barista
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord


Search Truth Quest: Part 2 EP 1: Undulating Maggots of Doom
Search Truth Quest: Part 2 EP 1: Undulating Maggots of Doom
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
 Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
 Discord One Step Closer to Pulitzer for Beiber Coverage
 Discord's Daily Discharge
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.
 Orson Calling Mork: Orken Spacecraft Surround Earth!
 Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
 Obama Asks Bush About That Mission Accomplished Banner
 Flagstaff’s McMillan Pub: the Good, the Bad, and the Zano
 Lauren Bacall, Best Known for Her Role in Scooby-Doo: the Goblin King, Is Dead at 89
 Homer's Touching Tribute to Robin Williams
 Malaysia Unveils Plans for New Global Rail System
 Discord Moment of Silence for Robin Williams
 Christie Warns: "I Will Shoot the Next Reporter Who Mentions Bridgegate in the Face"
 I’m Not Joining the Discord, Zano, so Kindly Fuck Off!
 Obama Denies Ordering Airstrikes on Iraq
 Search Truth Quest: Part 1 EP1: Chud Vendetta
 Gaza Psychologist Just Doing End of Life Therapy
 Negativity Bias, Interpersonal Circumplexes, and Other Political Psychobabble
 Homer Simpson: the Most Interesting Meme in the World
 Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle
 Bloom Vs Bieber: High Elf Vs Low Life
 Artificial Self-Esteem Bolstering for Dummies
 Theory Emerges After Appearance of Third Siberian Sinkhole
 Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots
 Discord Interpretation of Recent News Headline Questioned
 The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
 Local Teen Sleuths Solve Casey Case-um
 To Summarize the Distraction That Is the GOP
 Immigrant Children Transformed Into Renewable Energy Source
 Russia Standing by 10-Minute Rocket Launcher Tutorial for Rebels
 Mizpah Hotel in Tonopah: Ghost Adventures V Ghost Blunders
 Impeachment: You're Doing It Wrong
 Yes, It’s All Part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, Called Thinking
 This Just in From Crank Headquarters
 Read Between the Lies
 Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria
 The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in Our Oceans Found
 Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire
 The Iraq War and the Edge of Harshness
 What Were Republicans, Daddy?
 Obama: the Worst President Never
 The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About His Apprentice
 Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous
 Sarah Palin Speaks...Badly
 Breaking Vlad?
 Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe
 Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him
 GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful
 Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count This High in Roman Numerals
 After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A
 GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw
 Ah, to Be a Republican Website for a Day
 Guided by Voices: Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix 6/15/14
 Should the Discord Have an Age Limit?
 Mount Rushmore: What Went Right and Wrong
 Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D?
 Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
 Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
 Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One
 Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia?
 GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House
 Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
 Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
RSS Subscriptions
Search
About Us
Contact Us