Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
October 31, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick up Hockey Game
A Confused Canada Challenges ISIS to Pick Up Hockey Game

Montreal, CA—In response to the recent terrorist act, Prime Minister of the Canadian Parliament Stephen Harper, is less than pleased with his Skype session with Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, the head of the Islamic State. Their on-line meeting was plagued with translation difficulties, explosions, and streaming issues that tragically spilled over into the first period of Sunday’s Blackhawk/Senators game. 

Prime Minister Harper suggested the two factions settle their differences by "meeting over a Molson and maybe playing some hockey, eh?" To the dismay of the Canadian Parliament this request was met by calls to "behead the Canadian infidels!"

Harper told The Discord today, "I know we already called this recent veteran car attack an ‘act of terror’, but this is Canada. Before we make our ultimate decision we must defer any final judgment to our goal judges in Toronto, eh? You know, after we review the instant replay."

New Ray Rice Elevator Creating Fun and Controversy!
New Ray Rice Elevator Creating Fun and Controversy!…mostly controversy.
…mostly controversy.
 
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Discord CEO Moves All Reporters Into a 1957 Winnebago
By Alex Bone
Discord CEO Moves All Reporters into a 1957 Winnebago
Alex Bone

Rest Area outside of Bullhead City—In an effort to cut expenses and help fund his second home in Bermuda, CEO Pierce Winslow has moved the entire Discord reporting staff into the old Winnebago his grandmother left him. No less than a dozen reporters, six children, eight significant others, eleven cats, four dogs, twenty-six snakes, a full bar with keggerator, an eight-foot statue of Yig and seventeen cubic-feet of crawdad traps will be living and working from a space roughly the size of Winslow’s guest’s guest bathroom.

Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots
Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord field reporter Cokie McGrath has interviewed a homeless person who believes he is the first human to have met a new race of alien Bigfoots. He believes society is in grave danger and that he alone holds the key to fend off Parmageddon. Yes, he said Parmageddon, because he believes the aliens are after our Italian cheeses. The man agreed to release his full name, Jesus Christ, during an exclusive Discord interview.

The gentleman agreed to answer three of Cokie’s questions, per 40-oz malt liquor product. We did not receive any of the emergency funds supposedly wired to us via our CEO, Pierce Winslow, for this purpose, so we were only able to scrounge up enough cash to get three questions answered. The first question was unfortunately wasted by asking the man if he wanted St. Ides or Schlitz, but Cokie’s second question is why she remains at the top of her game.

He replied, "No, I have my own brown bag."

Yes, this was going badly.  But the third question would forever change team Search Truth Quest’s understanding of cryptid primates, alien abductions, as well as Flagstaff’s strict open container laws.

Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria
Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria; Why are their Secretaries so Angry?
Why are their Secretaries so angry?
 
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Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count This High in Roman Numerals
Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count this High in Roman Numerals

Philadelphia, PA—Since the inception of The Daily Discord our apology posts have managed to stay behind the number of total Super Bowls, thus our ability to figure out the applicable Roman numerals. Today, however, we find ourselves sadly heading into unchartered mathematical waters (UMW). I don’t even know what the C means in Roman numerals, but here we are. Time and time again our problems start and end with Mr. Mick Zano and his endless journalistic transgressions. His barrage of lawsuit-magnet yuck yucks arrive in each of his submissions like clockwork. If only his submissions themselves could arrive with such consistency and timeliness.

It is getting so bad that I sometimes even think back fondly to the days of The Ghetto Shaman. Speaking of the devil, when he is released from the Lycoming County Prison, he plans to resume his weekly column. Oh, and in related news, the Shaman’s legendary self-help book The Tao of Skullfucking is already outperforming Hillary Clinton’s autobiography Hard Choices. Okay, so neither are actually selling on Amazon, but that does kind of make them equal.

Anyway, onward with the unfortunate retractions at hand...

Atheism: It’s What’s for Last Supper
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So how does a guy deeply interested in spirituality end up championing the coming Age of Atheism? Oh, it’s easy, especially when you’re a spoof news "journalist". But, before we get started, excuse me while a sacrifice this goat on this pentagram. Pokey, you are that goat.

Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—Dolphin Mothers Against Humans Nailing Aquatic Beings In Theatrical productions or D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T protested outside of the Daily Discord’s Philadelphia Tower today. Hundreds turned out to see these underwater mammals hold signs proclaiming the evils of dolphin pornography and push rubber balls with their noses.

Can I Please Place Sanctions on Congress?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t think Congress can ultimately impose sanctions on Iran, but it wouldn’t be for lack of trying. With patriots like these who needs Al-Qaeda? The GOP was against this deal even before they knew any of the details, which many are calling beyond a knee-jerk response. So let’s just shorten it to beyond jerks.

Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment
Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment, Death Star downgraded to planetoid
Death Star downgraded to planetoid
 
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I See You! and Will Take Your Mordor Order!
I See You! And Will Take Your Mordor Order! "I'll have a pulled orc sandwich, some onion ring wraiths, and a Sauron shake."
"I'll have a pulled orc sandwich, some onion ring wraiths, and a Sauron shake."
 
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Israeli Site Rape or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Surveillance
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I don’t understand why this whole NSA thing is a scandal. Don’t people watch the news, Fox or otherwise? How many times have people gotten nailed for sexting, porn site cruising, or questionable phone usage? Why is this news? You’d have to be an idiot to think that the Big Brother ain’t watchin’. Orwell was right, except 1984 just turned out to be a lame Van Halen album.

Crawdads Protest Outside of Discord Tower
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord Tower is under siege at this hour by America’s Western Crawdad Warfront Against the Repulsive Daily Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D.). CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is currently holed up in his ivory tower. He’s trying to electrify the outside of the building to thwart the attacking crawdads as he apparently "saw it once on a Star Trek episode."

It's Alive, It's ALIVE!
It's Alive, It's ALIVE! Twinkie Resurrection 2013
Twinkie Resurrection 2013
 
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Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak
Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak

Antarctica—Shortly after the discovery of a new bacteria in an ancient lake buried miles in the ice, all contact was lost with the Vostok Research Facility. The Russian facility, located on the Antarctic ice sheet, had managed to drill through nearly two miles of sub glacial ice before inadvertently releasing an unknown bacteria into the air. It is described as a flesh eating bacteria, but those infected apparently do all the eating.

Russian President Vladimir Putin remains adamant this not a zombie outbreak. "Those exposed essentially die and are immediately resurrected with an insatiable craving to feed, but we have the situation contained," said Putin, who is denying allegations he has turned the area into his own Wildlife Preserve and Zombie Hunting Range.

Russian officials also claim the last picture received from the facility (depicted above) was a bit of a false alarm. "The scientists were simply watching John Carpenter’s The Thing on Netflix," said Putin. "In the image prior the scientists were drinking vodka and eating popcorn. But stay tuned as I will be sending back shirtless images of myself shooting zombies from my bobsled."

In a rare form of journalistic clairvoyance, The Discord’s own Erisa Brahe already predicted such an outbreak at that precise location here. CEO Pierce Winslow said, "This is not the first time we’ve been out in front of the news. Although usually we’re behind the news, Deliverance style."

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Pope Seeks Retirement Advice from Emperor Palpatine
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

Vatican City–The Return to the Papal Side. On Monday, February 11th, Pope Benedict XVI looked out his window, saw his shadow, and promptly announced there would only be two more weeks of his papacy. As the Pope scurried back into his chambers, many were left plagued with questions. The job of being Pope is a lifetime commitment much like owning a pet, serving as a Supreme Court Justice...or, as I have come to discover, certain Discord internships.

Aliens Determined to Gangnam Style!
Aliens Determined to Gangnam Style!
So far they suck at it.
 
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Another 2012 Apocalypse Theory
Another 2012 Apocalypse Theory: The Twinkie Mother Ship Returns...Angry
The Twinkie Mother Ship Returns...Angry
 
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Twitanic
Twitanic, LIVE HO-HOs! LIVE!
 
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Sandy vs Marilyn
Sandy vs Marilyn
 
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Happy Halloween from the Discord Staff!
Happy Halloween from the Discord Staff!
 
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Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
 
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You Are Trapped in an Invisible Chamber of Energy
You Are Trapped in an Invisible Chamber of Energy, Origin of the Jedi mime trick
Origin of the Jedi mime trick
 
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I Don't Always Appear on The Daily Discord
I Don't Always Appear on The Daily Discord, But when I do, their server crashes me
But when I do, their server crashes me
 
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Yet Another Empty Discord Apology

Our headline "Go Ahead: Take a Potshot at Obama's Face, Kooks!" should have read "Go Ahead: Take a Photo-op with Obama on Facebook".

"Flogging the Bad Parts to Stimulate Package" should have read "Flagging the Bad Parts of the Stimulus Package".

"Norse God Destroys Navy!" headline should have read "Morse Code Deciphering Baby!"

Finally, there is some lingering doubts regarding the legitimacy of the source behind our headline "God Admits to Fucking with Indonesia 'Just Because'".

Sorry for the wide spread panic and duress these headlines have caused the greater public. The Discord's CEO, Pierce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the mistakes, or as he put it, "The fuck stops beer." Mr. Winslow would like to also apologize for the last typo, as well, and incests, "It will never crap in my den". Mr. Winslow is going to stop commie-venting now for both your own pro-sex-binge and gizz.

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Romney Having a Hard Time Relating to Voters
Romney Having a Hard Time Relating to Voters
Note to self: kiss the baby, don't crush
 
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Regime Change at Penn State!
Regime Change at Penn State!
 
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American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating
American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a "romp of humiliation" or "entertainment for the asses," has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, "We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!" McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

"It’s called capitalism," said McGrath. "It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?"

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

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The Discord’s Chewy Defeats Thurman Debacle
The Discord’s Chewy Defeats Thurman Debacle

Philadelphia, PA—Having just posted our latest round of retractions, it pains me to announce another grievous mistake so soon. Posting every day in this 24/7 news cycle world is often fraught with difficulties. Having said that, I, Pierce Xavier Winslow, take full responsibility for this error. Our readers have come to expect thorough and accurate reporting, especially since comedy sites like ours have become the last refuge of actual newsing these days. Newsing is a new, but legitimate, word—though it probably should not have debuted at this darkest of hours.

We now understand the following: in a bar on the planet Alderaan, Uma Thurman pummeled the crap out of Chewbacca—not, as we originally reported, the other way around. The rush of incoming AP wire reports were confused and at times even garbled, so we made an educated guess that Chewbacca would have mopped the floor with that scrawny bitch—however, it turned out that the wookie’s injuries actually landed him in Aldera County Hospital.

I had an itchy trigger finger, for sure. The only thing that kept running through my mind prior to posting was the scene when Han Solo said, "Let the wookie win." I really thought the wookie was going to win. The Discord news team received conflicting reports originally and we needed to get the post up as my beer was getting dangerously warm. My Photoshop team worked on pictures for either outcome: one with Chewbacca pumping his fists victoriously in the air and a second with Thurman doing likewise. I simply got it wrong.

Our news team also borrowed the image from gawker.com by turning the famous Dewey Defeats Truman! image into Obama holding the news in iPad form. We regularly steal stuff here at the Discord especially paperclips, but not others’ comedy! We keep our material original—and Zano cut this one too close! We took gawker’s original viral image, made it much funnier, and proceeded to get about six hits for our trouble...the usual.

Pierce Winslow, CEO

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Discord Apology XXXIV: The Smell of Fear
Pierce Winslow

These retractions continue to wear on me emotionally. I care about what we do here at The Discord. It’s important work. It’s God’s work...well, certainly demi-God’s work, or Demi Moore’s work. It’s work, for sure. Sometimes I spend days trying to turn the Crank’s string of expletives into coherent thoughts. I deal with a constant barrage of receipts from Zano and Bone for bar tabs, brothels, and massage parlors all across the southwest. "But it’s a haunted brothel, Mr. Winslow, honest!" Fuckers.

Our headline Iraq Wins the Stanley Cup! was obviously a heinous mistake. Jerry Lewis’s ICU Telethon was not our finest hour. We would like to apologize to JE-RRREY! and his family for calling his hospital room every twenty minutes trying to pledge enough to get the tote bag. In retrospect, interfering with medical care is just not funny.

Everything pales in comparison to our three full days of Cokie McGrath’s coverage while she camped outside of the Great Pyramid of Giza waiting for the Egyptian Parliament to emerge. What? I have to pay for this shit! If she could even learn to use Wikipedia as a fact checking tool it would be a vast improvement. Google it Cokie, Google it...fine, I will send you to a seminar on Googling.

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Knowing No Hockey Customs, L.A. Kings Just Stare at Stanley Cup Until Fans Leave
Knowing No Hockey Customs, L.A. Kings Just Stare at Stanley Cup Until Fans Leave, Chant of "Lift it Assholes!" fell on deaf ears
Chant of "Lift it Assholes!" fell on deaf ears
 
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In the Mail Today
In the Mail Today
 
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Captain Viagra Peters Out
Captain Viagra Peters Out

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

"Umm, we get enough of that," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly)."

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, "The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover."

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, "Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!" He then shouted, "To infidelity and beyond!" but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where the HELL is your material? I am so done with you and your New Age timeliness, deadlines be damned, Zen do-nothingness!

Pierce Winslow, CEO



Dear Mr. Winslow,

My material ended the day I stopped recieving the Round the World in Forty 40s. Remember you signed me up for that monthly malty magic? Well, I stopped getting the shipments. I shotgunned my last case of Schlitz High Gravity last weekend and then I never got my batch of Crazy Stallion. It's as easy to get things right, boss man.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I'll always take Mad Dog 20/20 in a pinch.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Obama Dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf...
Obama dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf, replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
...replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
 
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Discord Dissident Disses the Debt Deal Debacle
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let’s be clear here, this is a non rebuttal rebuttal (NRR), Mr. Crank. Keeping my mouth shut is not always easy, as my librarian can attest, but I will try to keep the rebut-thing to a minimum. This post will cover our continued budget woes, what the Florida shooting says about society, and the Discord’s failed attempt at being a uniter. Who’d have thought a site called The Daily Discord would fail to bring people together? Shocking.

Another Discord Apology, Rides Again
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-These retractions are coming at a fevered pitch lately, as the recession has forced us to outsource our editing to Canada and fewer and fewer of our contributors can afford their medications. Our recent post Hundreds of Dead Opossums Inexplicably Wash-up onto Gulf Beaches: Most Not Faking was not corroborated by the evidence.  The one image that sparked the piece turned out to be PhotoShopped.  Er, actually it turned out to be PhotoShopped by one of our own staff. So we will take the high road in this matter and do what President Obama won’t. As CEO of the Daily Discord, I would like to formally apologize to BP and to their former CEO, Mr. Hayward, you opossum killing wankers (OKWs).

In retrospect, our article Acetaminophen Linked to Headache Relief in Hung-Over Student wasn’t really news worthy.  We have slow days too, and slow days are usually complicated here at the Discord by the higher blood alcohol content of our staffers.

Dalai Lama Leads Police on Three State Car Chase was simply sensationalism at its worst. I have personally dealt with the contributor who sent us this exaggerated piece of pseudo-journalistic nonsense. And, to set the record straight, it was only a two state car chase.  I take some responsibility for this debacle, as the states in question were Georgia, South Carolina, and New Mexico. I have moved Google Maps to my favorites, so nothing like this should ever happen again.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Pierce Winslow

The following is a public service announcement:

The Ghetto Shaman column has been cancelled this week due to unforeseen circumstances involving the police, Mad Dog 20/20, and some high grade nutmeg. The Shaman would still like to plug his latest books: Channel Your Aggression into Fast Cash! and the critically exclaimed The Shaman’s Gift and other STDs.

Stay tuned next week for the triumphant return of the Ghetto Shaman…or not.

Pierce Xavier Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
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Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"

Actually, This is When the North Koreans Started Crying
Actually, This is when the North Koreans Started Crying
 
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Where is the Supercommittee Now?
Where is the Supercommittee Now? Who the hell cares?
Who the hell cares?
 
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I'm single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter



Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is Cokie McGrath single?

Dave Atsals

Discord Contributor



Dear Dave,

She’s a coworker, Dave! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Cokie is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes her do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo deleting that video he sent me….Tomorrow.  Really, tomorrow.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Kidding, she likes chicks. I am soooo deleting that video she sent me. Tomorrow, really.

Ask your question, bitch...
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A Story of One Man's Incompetence...and Incontinence
A Story of One Man's Incompetence...and Incontinence
 
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How about all that raise the debt ceiling hype? You want to raise the dead on bowling night? We bowl?
 
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Join the Navy, we're not compensating for anything
 
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Today's Conservative "Thought"...
Today's Conservative "Thought"...Aren't they just adorable?
Aren't they just adorable?
 
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Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors
Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010.  After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.

"The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance," stated CEO Pierce Winslow.

Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman.  The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has "since been fired," added Winslow.

 "We are happy to have won the foam finger," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath.  "I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing  jerks for the last two years."

The Crank told reporters, "I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!"  Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences. 

"This is an amazing accomplishment," said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony.  "I am just surprised this is the first year we won."

Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.

"It’s about going to Tahoe," added Tony.  "I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?"

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Mattel to Introduce Moose Murder Barbie!
Mattel to Introduce Moose Murder Barbie!
Beverly Akerman MSc: Sarah Palin: Moose Murder Barbie Steeps at Mega Tea Party
 
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Decision 2012, The New Face of Roulette
Decision 2012, The New Face of Roulette, I'll take barrel #4
I'll take barrel #4
 
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Viva Lost Coverage: Zano’s Vegas Coverage Fiasco
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

Zano begged me to give him another chance, so, being the kind-hearted soul I am, I decided to dispatch him over to Vegas.  We arranged to have him upload some live feeds to me from the Riviera during the New Year’s Eve festivities.  We were going to incorporate Twitter, it was going to be great—and what did I get for my trouble?  Bupkis.  I got less than bupkis, I got bupk.

The New York Times Suing The Daily Discord…Again
The New York Times Suing The Daily Discord…Again

Philadelphia, PA—Fallout from the above picture has left The Daily Discord seeking legal counsel.  A recent post led readers to believe Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, was on the scene in Afghanistan conducting a survey on The Mating Rituals of Hunky Military Types.   But, if you look closely at the top of the image, you can clearly see the bottom of the lettering for The New York Times.  In fact, the picture is identical to a Times story from December 13th.

"It looks as if someone just snapped a shot of our newspaper cover and called it their own," said Bill Keller, the NY Time’s Executive Editor.  "This isn’t the first time we’ve had a run in with this group, although this is brazen even for them.  They’re a menace to the world wide web."

"Preposterous!" replied the Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow. "I have the receipt for McGrath’s plane ticket, her bar tab from Kabul, and several prescriptions for Oxycodone."

But when pressured, Winslow was unable to produce this documentation—except the prescriptions.  Despite the overwhelming evidence, Winslow remains unwilling to make any retraction for The Discord’s controversial post, nor is he willing to stop exploiting hunky military types.   

"We’re on the side of the truth," said Winslow.  "When we say we’re on location, we’re on location…and, apparently, sometimes we’re on booze and opiates."

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Discord to Flush All Toilet Humor
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site.   Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine.  Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well.  But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht).  Oh come on!  Edit that out, Winslow.  Damn you!

Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!
By Alex Bone
Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This is some serious breaking news:  now that this distracting election is over, it’s time to push aside useless labels like Tea Bagger, Bleeding Heart Liberal, Limp-Wristed Cow-Kissing Independent, or Humanitarian Sheep-Humping Dingleberry. None of these things matter in the face of the 100 Angry Men and their lacky, nay, their leader, nay, their Supreme Allied Commander…Al Gore. 

Discord Derides Daily Show for Rally Folly
Discord Derides Daily Show for Rally Folly

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is pursuing legal action against The Daily Show for hosting a rally on the same day, same time, and at the same place with similarly designed rally posters.

"Our D.C. rally got no publicity!" said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "The Ghetto Shaman’s speech and subsequent arrest were simply a footnote, a distraction, a freak show!"

To add insult to perjury, Stewart is denying any wrongdoing and told Rachel Maddow in a recent interview, "There’s no real honor in satire."

Winslow feels this is an obvious slight directed at the Discord.

"Excuse me?" said Winslow. "Haven’t you read our coverage on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day? We changed journalism to something wholly other that day…like gournalism. And, as for your other comments during that interview, we are a fake fake News organization, which is completely different."

Here is a Pierce Winslow excerpt from the actual lawsuit letter:

"I believe The Daily Discord is the victim of illegal and discriminatory rally practices. I have fully investigated my rights in this matter—and by ‘I’, I mean I have people for that, and by ‘fully investigated’, I mean I have conducted several non-porn related Google searches (NPRGS)."

Find the entire letter here.

"Bottom line, we spared no expense on those rally banners," added Winslow, "…well, some expense on Zano’s, obviously."

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The Ghetto Shaman: Soul Retriever or Foul Deceiver?
The Ghetto Shaman: Soul Retriever or Foul Deceiver?

Philadelphia, PA—The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman met with CEO, Pierce Winslow, to discuss plans for his Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  On October 30th, at the National Mall, the Shaman is planning to ingest enough ground nutmeg and Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20 to "down a rhino."  He then intends to depart this dimensional plane of existence for a darker realm, possibly Newark, in hopes of finding an ever-important shard of our country’s soul.  Upon his return, he will restore our nation’s greatness and claim some fair bystander as his rightful queen (in no particularly order).  He then plans to do things he would rather not talk about with ‘said’ queen. 

Pierce Winslow is in full support of the event, "This is going to be huge!  We’re talking ‘my balls’ huge! If anyone wants to be bused to The National Mall on October 30th, simply meet us at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philly."  

The Discord’s CEO suggests hitting the site’s contact button for more details. Insiders claim Winslow has already rented a mid-sized sedan, possibly an Impala, from Avis rent-a-car for the big day.

"That’s just the beginning.  I am prepared to upgrade to a full-size sedan if demand warrants," said Winslow.  "Avis has some good deals right now, especially for AAA members."

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Petraeus Urges Discord to Halt Plans for Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day
General Petreaus

The Pentagon—General David Petraeus told the press today, "The Daily Discord is senseless and vile."

When someone informed him of their plans to carry out Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day, the general had even less charitable comments for the controversial e-zine. 

"If the Discord goes through with their Halloween hijinx, it could endanger our troops in the field and undermine our mission in Afghanistan.  Bradley armored vehicles might be TPd and scores of improvised flaming pooh bags (IFPBs) might be strategically placed outside all of our bases’ gates.  A lot of people will be left with egg on their face. Images of sobbing, egg-covered Imams would undoubtedly be used by extremists as propaganda.  For lack of a better phrase, it would only egg them on," said Petraeus.

"We aren’t stopping this time," said CEO, Pierce Winslow.  "When we caved to pressure last time and failed to carry out Burn the Duran Day, a little part of the Discord died.  Besides, what better way to put those recalled Iowa eggs to some good use, eh?"

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Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?
Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Philadelphia, PA—The allegations are flying today as the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord, falls under increasing scrutiny over what many are calling a clear foul.  The controversy is centered around an image depicted on the Discord’s October 5th coverage of their recent "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" rally.  The image makes it appear like more people attended the rally than actually did.  It’s a technique known to PhotoShopsters as the Bachman Effect—used by Fox News to make impotent rallies seem a bit more rallyier (rallyier is a word, by the way, we checked with the Bard of Wasilla herself).

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that his staffers doctored the photo for the purpose of furthering his nefarious agenda.

"It’s preposterous!" yelled Winslow at reporters outside of his suburban Philly home. "Nothing about that photo says doctored to me, and I oughtta know."

A reporter pointed out how, if you look closely enough at the image, some identical people actually appear on both sides of the reflecting pond.

"It’s a reflecting pond!" shouted Winslow.  "It’s what reflecting ponds do!  I can assure you the image we snatched illegally from Google Images has not been tampered with in any way.  We have Elements, the cheaper, watered-down version of PhotoShop, which is set to expire if we don’t figure out how to register the software."

"How could we keep a conspiracy this big a secret," said Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  "Too many people would need to know.  Now I admit I did originally suggest they make the Washington Monument into a big penis with a Santa Claus cap on it, but increasing the crowd, never!"

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Ghetto Shaman Makes "Surprise" Appearance on To Catch a Predator
Ghetto Shaman Makes "Surprise" Appearance on To Catch a Predator
 
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Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff
Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff

Philadelphia, PA—A radicalized pop band calling themselves The People’s Republic of Devo are sticking up for the popular 80s band, Duran Duran.  They are calling for the heads of all Discord staffers in response to the ezine’s controversial decision to burn 16 copies of Rio this Saturday at the Liberty Bell Pavilion.

"They should die," said front man, Mark Mothersbaugh.  "horribly if possible.  This is an affront to Bowie the Goblin King and all things 80s.  Think about it, what would 80s night be like without Rio?  It would be as bad as a fucking 90s night, if you can imagine that."

CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is firing back—out of the side window of his Buick GNX.  "Yeah, I’m packing and I am defending my 2nd and my 18th Amendment rights."

When it was pointed out the 18th Amendment involved the repeal of prohibition, Winslow said, "Yeah…drinking, shooting, and driving.  What did you think I was talking about?"

The FBI and local law enforcement personnel are encouraging the main contributors of The Daily Discord to take this threat seriously and are suggesting they all lay low for a while.

"Just look at those orange hats," said Springfield Police Chief Clancy Wiggum.  "According to the MTV archives, they’re packing whips too.  Not to mention, they’re probably all doped up on goofballs."  

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The Terrorists Win the War on Terror: Film at 11
By Pierce Winslow and Mick Zano
The Terrorists Win: Film at 11
Pierce Winslow

Reflecting on 9/11, nine years, later was damn depressing—almost as bad as reading our submissions this week.  Did you really think a bunch of radical yahoos could defeat America (and I don't mean the Discord staff)?  Of course not, they were betting on our own stupidity, and that bet paid off far beyond their wildest expectations.

The Event Verizon: How the Military Industrial Complex Tried to Kill The Daily Discord
By Pierce Winslow
The Verizon Event: How the Military Industrial Complex Tried to Kill The Daily Discord
Pierce Winslow

I awoke earlier than any human should, scraped my scurvy ass out of bed, cleaned the pool, showered, and bulldozed through 45 minutes of Philly’s best combat traffic (in my universe Route 476+276+202=666).  Then, right after resituating myself in my vexatious chair, my personal annoyance device (PAD) vibrates right next to my nads at 7:30 AM.

Source of Iowa Egg Salmonella Outbreak Discovered
Source of Iowa Egg Salmonella Outbreak Discovered, Possessed Chicken Producing 666 Eggs a Day!
Possessed Chicken Producing 666 Eggs a Day!
 
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The ShamWhite
The ShamWhite, Soaks up Deficits, Removes Bush Stains, and is Guaranteed Until the Next Election
Soaks up Deficits, Removes Bush Stains, and is Guaranteed Until the Next Election
 
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Several Missing Women Surface in Discord Contributor’s Freezer
Several Missing Women Surface in Discord Contributor’s Freezer

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has "no idea" how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a "masseuse" on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, "Bad man.  Bad tipper."

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, "He’s really not that interesting."

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, "Sure, but he’s still not that interesting."

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, "Did you find everything OK?" then added, "Could I marinate your arm overnight?"

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but "Not too closely. He tends to bite," said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, "If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?"

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OK, Crank, I’ll Stop Bitching: After this One Last Time
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Funny, I said the same exact thing about methamphetamine.  This will be my last rant against Fox News and George W. Bush.  You don’t believe me?  Would I ever woefully mislead my fateful readership?  I’m not the Ghetto Shaman, for Pete’s sake.

Is Barack Obama a Textbook Case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

I was watching a television program yesterday in which one character was describing to another the traits of narcissistic personality disorder, wherein one feels compelled to create villains to defeat in order to be perceived by others as being a hero. Much of the following explanation of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is taken directly from the DSM-IV, the rest is taken from family reunions, BBQs, and Discord Christmas parties. 

The Bone Gang Destroys Pluto
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print.  Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?

New Sierra Club Measures to Protect Non-Numanity Habitats
New Sierra Club Measures to Protect Non-Numanity Habitats
 
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Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day?
Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day?

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious that no one posted any of the Daily Discord’s  submissions for this week’s Draw Muhammad Day.

"Sure, we Photoshopped the shit, but that’s how we roll.  Who draws?  Do I look like I still play with crayons, you cretin-blogging dickwads?!  OK, don’t answer that."

Witnesses claim that Winslow has grown completely irrational after the realization that every blogger from Seattle to Georgia refused to post any of the Daily Discord’s twenty-seven computer generated submissions.

"That’s nonsense," disagreed Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  "Winslow’s always completely irrational." 

Since no one picked up any of the controversial material, Mr. Winslow is calling for lashings, beheadings, and belashings—which is, actually, more reminiscent of his ill-received Draw Muhammad in Drag Day.  In retaliation, the Daily Discord is planning to host Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day next week and Winslow would like to add, "And we’re not taking any of your submission at this time, bitches."

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Discord to Cancel Draw Mohammed in Drag Day
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has withdrawn his May 25th plans to post dozens of pictures of the Prophet Mohammed in women’s clothing.  Winslow fell under a barrage of pressure to scratch the project, which featured a controversial GIF animation display depicting Mohammed in various clips from Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Our own Ghetto Shaman stated, "What’s the big deal?  They all dress like girls in the Middle East anyway…just look at Klinger from M*A*S*H."

"I’m disappointed," said Winslow. "People need to know the untold story—that Mohammed could accessorize with the best of them.  Mohammed had bling, damn it.  I hate bling."

South Park creator Trey Parker responded to the Discord’s cowering thusly, "Pussies."

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Discord Editors Indicted on Error Charges
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA - CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious with his editing staff.

"Exxon/Mobile? Really, people? Mobile? That was a headline!" yelled Winslow. "I am not responsible for the editing, censoring, and content butchery that you, our faithful readers, have come to expect from this less than stellar e-zine."

Winslow’s plan to correct the ongoing proofing fiasco is to outsource the Discord’s editing needs overseas.

"Each article and cartoon is now going to be sent to an editing group from India, where they will undergo an intensive editing process before the material is returned to Philadelphia via carrier pigeon."

When asked about keeping jobs in America, Winslow said, "Look, I tried using my contributors. They lose shit and, frankly, they’re incompetent. They have no artistic ability, no Photoshop skills, and English is almost a second language to them…and not because they know another language!"

The Daily Discord’s CEO intends to ramp up his War-on-Error and put an end to all radical exciseism by contracting out with the MOFLE Group—a band of Mercenary Overseas Free Lance Editors (MOFLEs).

"Besides, they’ll help me get rid of these lousy acronym jokes once and for all," added Winslow. "The regular contributors are next," warned Winslow. "It’s all part of the third stage in my India outsourcing plan. Don’t worry. I think you will all enjoy catching up on the latest Bollywood gossip. Did you hear Aishwarya Rai is pregnant with Apu of the Simpsons’ love child? Well, of course you didn’t, but that all ends today…that is, when the pigeon gets here."

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Google Graphic Chafes Chinese Charge
Today's Google's Art Further Infuriates our Chinese Overlords
Discord staffers find today's Google logo "not defiant enough."
 
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Lohan Sues E*Trade over "Milkaholic Linsday" Remark
Lohan Sues Ameritrade over "Milkaholic Linsday" Remark
We have your evidence right here, babe
 
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Discord's CEO Flies Plane into FarmVille
Pierce Winslow crashes his plane into Farmville
Suicide note reveals a tale of obsession and malt liquor
 
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Revenge of "Another Discord Apology"
Pierce Winslow

The source of our recent article Dalai Lama Tells China to "Take a Fucking Chill Pill" remains in serious doubt.

Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting German Killer should have read Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting Germ Killer. We are particularly sorry that, as a result of this publication, various German communities chose to burn several of our prominent national laboratories to the ground.

Horrific Bush Rash headline, should have read Horrific Bus Crash.  Also, our headline H1N1 Available for All, we meant the vaccination. In defense of our editing staff, they are often intoxicated. 

The Daily Discord would also like to take the time to apologize for publishing Mick Zano’s thesis on The Disappearing Himalayan Glaciers and their Correlation to the Autistic Tree Frog.  He went to an on-line university and in no way thought Al Gore and the scientific community would ever run with this crap. 

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Discord Sues Sarah Palin on Charges of Self Satire
Sarah Palin steals Discord thunder about her own stupidity
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Nashville, TN—During Sarah Palin’s keynote address to the Teaparty yesterday this picture was taken of her crib notes. This is a real picture. The words on her hand are believed to read: Energy, Budget [crossed out] Cuts, Tax, Lift American spirits. If you look closely something is even scratched out amidst her, uhum, in-depth bullet points. The crossed out piece is believed to read Daily D. (Daily Discord?). Supporters claim she may actually have been trying to give us credit by footnoting the similar joke posted by the Discord on January 13, 2010. 12:00:00 AM PST. But Sarah Palin is no friend of the Discord? The Daily Discord’s CEO is furious.

"How are we supposed to make fun of this tart, if our obvious exaggerations prove true?" said Pierce Winslow. "We spare no expense Photoshopping a crib sheet and the ditzy bitch pulls this?! How can we possibly dumb this broad down anymore?"

Head writer for the Daily Discord, Mick Zano, has reportedly scrapped the next two Palin bits involving spit balls and wedgies, just in case.

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Toyota or Christine the Next Generation?
By Pierce Winslow
Demon-spawn Toyota Corolla
Pierce Winslow

Since 1999 more than 2000 Toyota and Lexus owners have reported that their vehicles spontaneously began accelerating out of control, resulting in 19 deaths in 815 crashes, numerous injuries, and millions of dollars in property damage. The Toyota Motor Sales Company has blamed these incidents on everything from faulty floor mats to sticky gas pedals. However, the CTS Corp. of Elkhart, IN, manufacturer of the gas pedals, reports that none of the crashes have been linked to their product, a claim supported by the fact that these pedals weren’t used by Toyota until 2005. So what is going on here, aside from one of the greatest up-ass smoke-blows of all time?

Reid Walks on the Wild Side, Steps in Shit
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

Harry Reid really stepped in it now, but into what did he step? A pile of Republican bullshit, by the looks of it. Senator Reid was quoted in some expose-esque work as saying that America was ready for a "light-skinned" African-American president with "no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Soooo, where did he call Obama anything racist? Is Obama not African American? Is he not light-skinned? Does he not have Negro Dialect only when he wants one? I’m not saying this is the best choice of words, mind you, but calling for Reid's resignation? Please... Can’t we throw him out of office on his own merits?

Apparently now you can't call someone what they are even using semi-politically correct phrasing. What would happen if someone called him a Muslim? Oh, never mind…

PETA Condemns Discord’s Latest Grudge Match
PETA Condemns Discord’s Latest Grudge Match...Chucky Cheese vs. The Coyote’s Mascot
Chucky Cheese vs. The Coyote’s Mascot
 
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You Can Get Up Now Mr. Stowie. They're Onto Us.
You Can Get Up Now Mr. Stowie. They're Onto Us.
 
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Et tu Stewarte?  Discord Sues The Daily Show and Declares War on American Digest
Nov. 7, 2009Nov. 12, 2009
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Philadelphia, PA - The CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious over what looks to be more hijacked material. While viewing Fox’s Hannity on the November 12th episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart snapped in an eerily similar manner to Mick Zano in the Discord’s November 7th piece Super Fox Me.

“Zano isn’t even that funny,” said Winslow.  “Why do people keep stealing his shit?  And Stewart wasn’t just mocking Sean Hannity, he was making fun of a real incident…an incident with staggering mental health implications!  Did you see that Teddy bear hanging in Stewart’s version?  That’s our Mick.  How is that funny?” 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Massage Parlor, reported Mr. Zano had only become lucid moments before asking to watch Comedy Central.

“The Daily Show always used to make him laugh,” said Hogbien, stifling a tear.

The good doctor isn’t sure if Mr. Zano became incensed by the next round of blatantly stolen material, or if the piece was too similar to his recent ill-fated Fox blogathon.

“Either way, he’s back in a catatonic state,” said Hogbien.  “We can’t rule out a complete PTSD breakdown, or menopause. If Mr. Zano should regain consciousness, I suggest no one mention the Daily Show, American Digest, or the fact that his Parah Salin bit was snagged by maniacworld.com.  Shit…I think he heard that.”

“Our lawyer, Mr. Cohen, is certainly going to be busy,” warned Winslow.  “The Crank has already drafted a less than politically correct letter to Comedy Central.  It’s downright offensive actually.”

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Ghetto Shaman Implicated in Sedona Death Lodge Incident
Ghetto Shaman Implicated in Sedona Death Lodge Incident

Sedona, AZ - The murder investigation of a sweat lodge ceremony responsible for the deaths of three people on October 8th is currently shifting focus.  Self-help guru, James Arthur Ray, is now pointing to the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman as the designer of the faulty sweat lodge.  The Ghetto Shaman, known for his cutting edge new age sex crimes, is believed to have sold Ray the Acme sweat lodge construction kit that directly led to the fiasco in Sedona. 

The Ghetto Shaman is still at large but has sent a message to the media via the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow: "Could you send me money, dude?  Need to lay low for a while.  I’m on the lamb.  I am humping the lamb right now.  Oh, oh, oh, yeah….oh baby.  Send money, bitch!"

Pierce Winslow has replied to his wayward employee: "Turn yourself in.  Do the right thing."

But the post script is what has peeked the authorities’ curiosity. "P.S. – The check-ski is in the mail-ski.  Oh, and your column-ski is now due-ski, bitch-ski."

Winslow stated he will fully cooperate with authorities in bringing the controversial Shaman to justice-ski

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Top Ten Pierce Winslow Pet Peeves
  1. Mick Zano
  2. Plural of RPM is RPM, not RPMs moron
  3. The same thing goes for MPG
See All 10...
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Bin Laden Targets Oktoberfest! Daily Discord Declares War on Al-Qaeda

Islamisbad, Fudgepackican - The Daily Discord is not going to take this recent threat against a beer drinking tradition lying down (passed out, maybe).  The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is leading the charge against Al-Qaeda operatives.

“These gravy sucking pigs have gone too far,” states Winslow. “Knock down some buildings, sure; blow up some daycare centers, fine; but you mess with my favorite adult beverage and you can kiss your tribal-jihadist-assess goodbye.”  

Winslow believes his own bar-crawling bombers will give Al Qaeda a taste of their own medicine.

“Only this medicine is fermented,” states Winslow.  “We plan to use a little luck of the Irish to defend our German allies.  The car bombs, complete with Guinness, Bailey’s, and Jameson’s Irish whiskey, should not only transform Islam as we know it, but…well, that’s actually good enough.”

Pierce Winslow, perhaps the most staunch supporter of large warm German beers has recruited 70% of the Daily Discord staff (n = 7) to the war effort.

“Recruitment was easy,” claims Winslow, “because the Daily Discord staffers are desperate to cover the Oktoberfest festivities in Germany.  Besides, I supplied the car bombs.”

A plan is in place wherein, if Al-Qaeda does ANYTHING to disrupt the flowage of beer during Oktoberfest, our own counterattack Operation Jihop will ensue.  Seven Daily Discord brewicide bombers, armed with car bombs hidden in their beer belly cavities, will descend on several of Al-Qaeda’s undisclosed locations. Videotape of the last Discord brewhaha has already been broadcast on Al JaBeera, which has sufficiently struck beer in the farts of men.  To entice more recruits, Winslow has promised each brewicide bomber 72 dry-gins in the after hours.  This means WAARRRR!

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I'd Rather Be Crank Boarding
I'd Rather Be Crank Boarding...This oughtta shut him up...
This oughtta shut him up...
 
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Kill Bill HR 3200
 
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My Facebook Needs a Face Lift
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

A friend and fellow Discordian, who would like to remain Mickless, recommended we all register on Facebook, and I hate him for it.  I opened an account, a public one, no less, and thanks to Pierce Winslow’s great idea to use public accolades instead of our real names, well…let’s just say I’ve gotten about what I deserve.  NOTHING. ABSOULTELY NOTHING.  Facebook, or no, the expected herds of adoring fans have yet to materialize.  The sexy blonde female stalkers have not overwhelmed my home page.  In fact, I haven’t even had any hate mail.  Nothing, nada, nichts.   Worse yet, despite the endless spam ads assaulting my web searches, the awful truth is: there are absolutely no hot single women in my area waiting to talk to me!  None!  It’s all a lie!  AHHHHhhhhhhhh! Distraught and disenchanted, I turned to the internet to search for my true popularity.  Wikipedia’s search results for Dave Atsals are as follows...

A CEO Update: Winslow Insists Michael Jackson Spoof Articles Should Taper Off by Mid-to-Late October

Philadelphia, PA - The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, would like to reassure our readers that “there is an end to the Michael Jackson gags, I promise.”

Although, Mr. Winslow is grateful for the frenzy of recent activity and material related to the pop stars untimely demise, the Daily Discord is no longer accepting Michael Jackson related faux articles at this time.  Winslow reported to the press today that the articles in-stock should all be posted by mid-to-late October, barring anything unforeseen, or as Winslow put it: “a really funny one comes along that I just have to post.”

Mr. Winslow would like to apologize for many of the recent submissions, which he describes as “displaying considerably poor taste.”  Mr. Winslow would also like to apologize for the next several months of Michael Jackson related articles, which he describes as being “er,…displaying considerably poor taste.”

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Mick Zano Detained After Slim Jim Factory Explosion

Phoenix, AZ - The Daily Discord’s own Mick Zano was interrogated shortly after the explosion, in Garner, NC, of a Slim Jim Jerky Plant.  Mr. Zano became a ‘person of interest’ after one of his recent articles eerily foreshadowed events on June 8th at ConAgra foods.  Zano claims his condemnation of all jerky products only days before the massive explosion was merely “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Zano went on to say, “Think about it, if somebody doesn’t like abortion clinics, they wouldn’t go around blowing them up.”

No one has seen or heard from Mr. Zano since that last statement and rightly so.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is on the record as stating, “I will do everything in my power to see that Mick receives a fair execution.”

As much as Winslow finds Zano “morally reprehensible,” the prospect of promoting the Crank to head comedy writer fills him with an even deeper dread.  Furthermore, Mr. Winslow denies allegations that he has contacted the Jerky Boys for legal counsel.

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The Daily Discord: 2009 An Editing Odyssey
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

One contributor asked about the Discord’s submission and editing process, and no it wasn’t Pokey McDorkis.  He still doesn’t have internet access, or a clue.   L. Wolfe asked me, why hasn’t my article (sent to Mick Zano six months ago) been posted yet?  I explained to Mr. Wolfe, in true Discord fashion, the way an article makes it all the way from host to post. 

Peter Sellers had it Right:  Swine Flu 101
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know.

Discord Holds Protests in Six Cities to Bash the Media: No One Covers It

Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause.  In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!”  Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!”  Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine.  At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited.  Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!”  OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25th he added the exclamation point - for the cause.  Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated). 

“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”

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Separation of State and Church
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I am floored at how this country touts its "freedom of religion" and how it claims to separate church and state. The truth is, these days you really only have freedom of religion if you are a member of one of several main-stream Christian religions, or to a lesser extent Judaism. And then the only reason that you have such freedom of religion is because you already agree with the laws in play. If you are a devotee of, oh lets say Voodoo, you are screwed, Dude. This article is going to sound a lot like the Crank Manifesto, but this shit is really PISSING ME OFF!

Struggling Discord to Slash Crossword Puzzle!

Philadelphia, PA - During these trying economic times, Chief Executive Officer Pierce Winslow is trying to do everything possible to save the Daily Discord as well as avoid further staff layoffs. 

“We have a great staff,” stated Winslow, “just as long as they stay in separate states and lay off the hooch.”  Mr. Winslow reflected for a moment, “All right, they suck, but they’re all we got.” 

After Mr. Winslow announced his intention to nix the crossword puzzle, a staffer pointed out the Daily Discord does not have a crossword puzzle.  Mr. Winslow became enraged.  He tipped over the water cooler, declared war on Canada, and shouted something about the Zamboni Gypsies.  After Mr. Winslow collected himself, he resolved to correct this oversight by starting a weekly crossword puzzle before implementing his initial plan to discontinue it. 

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Economy Forces Seven of Ten Discord Staffers to Move Back in with Their Parents

Philadelphia, PA—“Times are tough,” admitted the Discord’s Chief Executive, Pierce Winslow.

The Daily Discord tallied its’ eighth straight monthly loss in March. Complaints during this week’s staff meeting ranged from, “I gave up my job at the Circle-K for this?” to “I gave my job up at the 7-11 for this?”  The staff had a laundry list of complaints for Mr. Winslow this week.

“Morale is something nearing Abu Ghraib levels,” stated Winslow, “Er, the inmates, not the military.”

 “We got very little of the bailout funds,” complained Bald Tony.

“Yeah,” agreed Pokey McDooris, “just like good ol’ AIG, I’d gladly give back my bonus, but it was two pens that turned out to be pencils.” 

Mr. Winslow feels his staff is just a pack of overly pessimistic whiners.

“Besides,” said Winslow, “even before the recession seven out of ten Discord staffers lived with their parents.”

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Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology
Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Good journalism means owning up to one’s mistakes. Since our debut in September we have made precious few journalistic boo boos, but here they are in no particular order

Pierce Winslow

Chief Executive Officer


‘Smelly Pirates Captured by Indians’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Somali Pirates Captured by Indian Navy’

On December 13th in New Delhi, India, the Indian Navy, not a tribe of bow and arrow wielding Apaches, captured the 23 Somali pirates in question.  Regrettably, as it turns out, the Tomahawk missile joke was not only offensive to Native Americans, but was also egregiously inaccurate—to say nothing of our Long John Scalper reference.  Our sincere apologies to any offended primitive redskins.


‘Sun-sized Twisters Appear on Earth’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Earth-Sized Twisters Appear on Sun’

Sorry for the mass panic, damage to property, and loss of life.  Our official response to this fiasco is “oops.”


‘Indians land on Moon’ Headline Was Completely Muffed

Well, as it turns out folks, it was the country of India not Native American Indians.  The unfortunate “scalp some Martians, bitches” comment makes even less sense now, and is unfair to extra terrestrials everywhere.


‘Texas Cheney-saw Massacre’ Headline Should Never Have Seen Print.

Pierce Winslow takes full responsibility for this error. Whereas it is plausible that Vice President Dick Cheney would travel to Crawford Texas and hack the Bush family into sausages, to the best of our knowledge, it never happened (yet).

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Presidential Pet Pick Perturbs PETW
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

It is common knowledge that President-Elect Barack Obama has promised his children that they may get a dog once they are settled into the Whitehouse. What isn't so commonly known is that the Obamas' selection of a new Whitehouse pet has created quite a furvor, and could potentially threaten his 2012 re-election bid before he is even inaugurated.

Discord Announces Two Billion Dollar Bailout Request

The top Chief Executive of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has contacted key Washington officials on the hill this week to discuss the details of a pending two billion dollar bailout plan hoped to keep the Daily Discord from bankruptcy. The Discord, hailed by at least one bald person in Vegas as “an important media source,” desperately needs the cash-flow amidst these daunting economic times. The cost of maintaining the website is believed to top three-hundred dollars annually. Most of the rest of the two billion taxpayer-relief dollars will be allocated on much needed booze and hookers.

“No golden parachutes for us,” stated Mr. Winslow to the press on Wednesday, “Just some well-deserved drunken orgasms.”

Apparently, several of the Discord staff ingest illicit substances that are dangerous to wean from, so some of the money will have to go to medically necessary recreational drugs.

“Of course,” added Winslow. “Potentially lethal alcohol withdrawal is a very real issue for many of our employees…and may explain our Crank Manifesto column.”

Winslow plans to remain “painfully forthcoming” regarding expenses, but does warn that if the funds are denied a turn toward lower-scale prostitution could “exacerbate our current health care crises as our staff descends, en mass, on our local walk-in health clinics.”

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Republicans, Democrats to Swap Symbology
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

Ever since the 1870's cartoons of Thomas Nast the donkey has graphically represented the Democratic party while the elephant has symbolized the Republicans. In a bold move, the RNC and DNC recently announced that they will be switching their iconic beastiality. The annoncement was made at a recent joint news conference.

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George Bush's all seeing eye
 
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Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India
Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hyderbad, India—Thousands came out to the eastern coast of India yesterday to protest a coming cyclone that would later claim the lives of many of those same protestors. The powerful storm, Hudhud, plowed across India seemingly oblivious to the negative press and its sinking public opinion polls.

Many are calling this abusive relationship with the weather "a cycle of violence", or in this case a cyclone of violence. "We lost electricity in my town," said a local fisherman Richa Gavde. "That would be fine except we only just flippin’ got electricity in my town! What is the weather thinking? We live in mud huts for fuck sake. Oh, brave deity blowing over thousands of thatched roofed huts. Big man on campus. We don’t even have a campus yet, jerk!"

Prescott’s Haunted Hotel St. Michael: Oops, Ghost Found
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This is going to sound really stupid, but a ghost messed up my whole spoof ghost investigation. You see, the operative word is ‘spoof’. I have a bad reputation to uphold. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I have an understanding with the supernatural; it leaves me alone and I leave it alone. I hang out in haunted places, hear some cool ghost stories, do some sightseeing and then make a bunch of shit up for this blog. You’ve read the stories. So whatever the hell was messing with me at the Hotel St. Michael, kindly get an afterlife! Click full story for ghostly images.

Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle
Another Shopper Vanishes into the Bloomingdale Triangle

Manhattan, NY—The Bloomingdale Triangle has claimed yet another victim. 28-year old Jackie Fayette of Jersey City left with a handful of her boyfriend’s credit cards Saturday and slipped into what has come to be known as a Retail Vortex.  This vortex reaches a sizeable chunk of Manhattan Island, from Macy’s on 34th Street up to Saks Fifth Avenue and then due south to Bloomingdales.

Ancient Cosmopolitan theorist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, believes the Bloomingdale Triangle is a tear in the Bank/Credit continuum caused by something known as quantum shopping. "When someone becomes so focused on spending, without any regard for budgeting or credit limits, they essentially can create a temporary warp in financial space/time, or a shopularity," said Dr. Hogbein.  "Once a person hits that last unsustainable purchase, they have reached the point of ‘absolutely no returns’, which is more of a store policy than an actual law of physics." Once this occurs a person can slip forever into what Dr. Hogbein terms the misspent horizon, or a Black Friday Hole.

Immigrant Children Transformed Into Renewable Energy Source
Immigrant Children Transformed into Renewable Energy Source

McAllen, TX—As thousands of children pour over the U.S. border from Mexico each news cycle, some believe with misery comes opportunity, green opportunity. The folks at Discord Solar, Inc. insist that the sun's energy can be captured to generate electricity through a system of interconnected child immigrants in a new process known as Solar Babies.

When many voiced their concerns about heat-related health issues and dangerous conditions, CEO Pierce Winslow said, "We have doctors at every shelter, or at least people willing to play doctor, but here’s the cool part—pardon the pun—each border shelter will be an estimated ten degrees cooler than their recent trek across the Sonoran Desert. So why worry? These kids are of a hardy stock. The War on Drugs and the desert took care of that. Now it’s time to reap those Darwinian benefits, in solar energy form."

Critics are calling this practice Torture for Children, but Mr. Winslow was quick to relabel this practice enhanced immigration techniques.

Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe
Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe, “We stand by our reporting on the rise of the Walmart Midgets and the Dancing Hipster Menace,” Pierce Winslow CEO
"We stand by our reporting on the rise of the Walmart Midgets and the Dancing Hipster Menace,” Pierce Winslow CEO
 
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Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
Who is the Sith Lord and Who is the Sithy Boy?
 
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Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day
Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day, "Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
"Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
 
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Duck Dynasty’s Downfall: It’s Mallard Time
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce X. Winslow

So Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, really stepped in it this time. In case you’ve been living in a swamp somewhere, the star of the world’s most popular reality TV show made a number of inflammatory remarks about gays and homosexuality. No, not the guy from Swamp People. That one’s different.

The Daily Discord Presents
Daily Discord Presents, Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time save the world?!
Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time to save the world?!
 
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Yoda Turns to the Dark Assad
Yoda Turns to the Dark Assad, "Gassed those rebels, I have. How embarrassing."
"Gassed those rebels, I have. How embarrassing."
 
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US Men’s League Opening Doors for Ousted European CHL Goalies
US Men’s League Opening Doors for Ousted European CHL Goalies

Hatfield, PA—Earlier this week the CHL, parent league to three Canadian Major Junior Hockey leagues, the WHL, OHL, and QMJHL, announced that starting with this year’s draft, European goalies will only be eligible in the first round. This restriction will radically decrease the number of European goalies in the league.

"For me, it’s all about opportunity," said Ron Tugnutt, the CHL’s former goalie consultant. "There’s nothing wrong with goalies in our country and there’s nothing wrong with how we’re developing them. They’re just getting, as Roman Maroni once said, ‘pucked up the ice hole.’"

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and winger for the Castoffs, a Hatfield 30+ Men’s C-League team, disagrees, "I think Canadian twelve-year-olds are bunch of whiny pussies. The reason they’re not getting ice time is because they suck."

Winslow has extended an invitation to any European goalie excluded from the draft due to this new ruling. "Hey, we don’t play this exclusionary shit," said Winslow. "Consider this an honorary puck to citizenship. Hell, even our ‘men’s league’ team has a chick on it, so I think we can easily wave that 30+ crap. I’ll even take a twelve year old girl; especially a twelve year old girl. The one on my team makes Zdeno Chara look like...well, a twelve year old girl."

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Discord Apology XXII: Into Retractness
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—As the CEO of the Daily Discord, I can’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth each time I kick back and discover another instance where our journalistic integrity failed us, where Microsoft’s grammar check failed us, hell, where even reason itself failed us. Our staff has set up a series of processes to better catch such mistakes moving forward, but for now here are our recent blunders.

Our headline Governor Calls for Special Erection to Fill Seat was simply a typo and in no way implied forced congressional sodomy.  Furthermore, the intern who wrote "Poop Francis" has been fired as I believe the error was punintentional. Speaking of which, if you would like to be an intern here at The Daily Discord, simply hit the Contact Us button. At this point your ability to accomplish that task is the only prerequisite.

Tragically, our headline Barnes & Noble Tweets Hacked by Lesbian Weevils should have read Border Posts Fall into Hands of Syrian Rebels, and I do not employ adverbs lightly. As for our headline, Iran Has Enough Enriched Uteruses for Five Nuclear Tampons, I really don’t know what that was intended to mean. Our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, needs to remember to supplement her IPAs with GMOs.

The focus of this ezine’s shift to videos is no excuse for this rash of flagrant ineptness (RFAs)...and, yes, we are doing away with all of our lousy acronym jokes (LAJs) as well.  Ultimately, it remains my reasonability to correct these errors and I assure I am working tirelessly to delegate more appropriate blame.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

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Space For Sale
Pierce X. Winslow

Space for Sale,

The Ghetto Shaman column is available for anyone who can send funny material to me in a timely manner. I don’t care what his excuse is this time, I don’t care if he lost his fifth grandmother, again, or his parole officer has more stipulations, or he's on another Mad Dog vision quest. I am washing my hands of that new age miscreant!

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. Send me the goods now, Shaman, or you’ll never work in this virtual town again!

Ask your question, bitch...
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Obama Calls for "Courage" In Face of Pending Release of Discord Videos

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire.  The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

"There is still something called the 1st Amendment," said Obama. "Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way."

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

"We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos," said Winslow. "I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in...or, in this case, a brew in."

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. "We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project," said Winslow, "but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated."

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GOP Reveals Vision For Upcoming Budget Negotiations
GOP Reveals Vision For Upcoming Budget Negotiations, Beats their "Deliverance" version
Beats their "Deliverance" version
 
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GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capitol Building
GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capital Building, Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
 
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Apocalypse Fail Leaves Discord Material-less
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21st turned out so lame. "We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris," said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. "It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality," said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, "The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit."

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. "The well is dry," said Winlsow. "We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah."

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, "It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp."

McGrath went on to explain, "Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year."

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Discord Resorts to Black Magic to Increase Ratings
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, "I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary...you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook."

We Should Win A Pulitzer for This!
We Should Win A Pulitzer for This! Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
 
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A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
By Pierce Winslow
A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
Pierce Winslow

Set the Way-Back Machine to the end of the Clinton years, a time of great prosperity, where we find an interesting juncture. It was a time when some quirk of fate sent us down the path to the dark side. As a green prophet once told us, once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. It’s sort of like, once you go black you never go back. In our case, the downfall all started with, of all things, a cigar. Let Freud wrestle with that one.

"Voting neo-fascist or neo-Marxist?" asked Piglet. "I prefer Neo from The Matrix," said Pooh.
 
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The Tea Party
The Tea Party
 
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The 2nd Presidential Debate:
The 2nd Presidential Debate: Not as good as Brokefact Mountain
Not as good as Brokefact Mountain
 
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Romney to "Clean Up" Sesame Street
Romney to "Clean Up" Sesame Street, Will the Count lose his castle? "I'm 1, 2, 3 payments behind mwah, hah, hah."
Will the Count lose his castle? "I'm 1, 2, 3 payments behind mwah, hah, hah."
 
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Rover Finds Life On Mars!
Rover Finds Life On Mars! Jesus, would you Google people give it a rest?!
Jesus, would you Google people give it a rest?!
 
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Tomb of the Unknown Candidate
Tomb of the Unknown Candidate, Let no man say he did not give 53%!
Let no man say he did not give 53%!
 
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Romney Palin 2012
Romney Palin 2012, See? The GOP really hasn't learned a fucking thing.
See? The GOP really hasn't learned a fucking thing.
 
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Romney’s American Idol Judges Joker Olympics!
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

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Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?
Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous "Richard Dryfuss incident."

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species...but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

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Kings Draft New Assistant Coach
Kings Draft New Assistant Coach, To keep our 'Beeker Week' rolling along
To keep our 'Beeker Week' rolling along
 
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Chewy Defeats Thurman!
Chewy Defeats Thurman
 
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Art's Worst Comeback Attempt Yet?
Art's Worst Comeback Attempt Yet?Beaker & Garfunkle release of Bunsen Burner Blues explodes onto the scene
Beeker & Garfunkle release of Bunsen Burner Blues explodes onto the scene
 
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Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered!
Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered! Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
 
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Mid-Flight Aircraft Mating Rituals Baffle Scientists
Mid-Flight Aircraft Mating Rituals Baffle Scientists
 
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Vetting Process Not Going Well for Christie
Vetting Process Not Going Well for Christie; You should see what they did to Rubio
You should see what they did to Rubio
 
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The Magnificent Apology Rides Again
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

BWTF? How come you don't post an update every Friday morning? Your boss is always making excuses for you. I think he's enabling your continued poor behaviors. Is this truly the way?

Yikes



Dear Yikes,

The Ghetto Shaman will not be posting this week, through no fault of his own, as the Shaman is often in a transcendal state (passed out). Besides, he answers nearly a question a week, a feverish pace. Also, once intoxicated, not only does he make contact with those higher realms, he also attracts those higher authorities, namely the police. I assure you he is very dedicated to the Daily Discord and remains one of our most consistent contributors (at least comparatively). He will be back to answer your questions next week...ish. You can't rush a Zen monk, nor can you rush a drunken monkey like the Ghetto Zenman.

CEO Pierce Winslow

Ask your question, bitch...
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Cheney's Doctor Speaks Out on His Controversial Operation
Cheney's Doctor Speaks Out on His Controversial Operation
 
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The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
By Alex Bone
The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
Alex Bone

In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."

Santorum? No. No, we haven't seen him
Santorum? No. No, we haven't seen him
Brought to you by Polar Bears for Climate Change Awareness
 
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2012: The Choice between Smart Unconstitutional Power, or Incompetent Unconstitutional Power
2012: The Choice between Smart Unconstitutional Power, or Incompetent Unconstitutional Power
 
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How (and What) Does Santa Know?
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I just whipped out the parents’ ultimate Christmastime argument for good behavior.

"Santa is watching. If you don’t want a lump of coal in your stocking, you’d better go to sleep."

Being an off-the-hook intelligent six-year-old (who miraculously still believes), she asked "how does he know?"

I was a Teenage Discord Apology
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—It’s time once again to right our wrongs and apologize for our vast array of incompetent pseudo journalistic meddling (IPJM). Which reminds me, we are also sorry about all the lousy acronym jokes (LAJs).

First off, Breast Awareness Month should have been Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  We are sorry for all of the inappropriate boob-ogling that ensued, but it’s really kind of the baseline here at Discord Central. 

We also do have one quote retraction.  "I hired Roger Ailes because he was hot and got ratings," – Sarah Palin.  Umm, although Roger Ailes is a sexy, old, bald, fat guy, this is clearly a case of the old switcheroo.

Our feature Early Pullout Causes Trouble for Discord Interns should have been Early Troop Pullouts Cause Trouble & Discord for Iraqis. I have personally sent a harsh memo to the Discord contributor involved, who we will leave Zanoless.

Finally, we would like apologize for our recent feature Top Ten Things You Should Never do to a Panda.  In retrospect, we realize the post was in poor taste and may have given some ideas to those sociopathic individuals among us.

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Cain-Burns 2012
Cain-Burns 2012, You're all worthless and weak!
You're all worthless and weak!
 
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Onion Copycat Case Draws Anemic Ridicule for Discord
Texas Governor Rick Perry goes on a rampage shooting puppies and boiling children
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord admits to releasing a picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry boiling children and shooting puppies as a cheap ploy to attract negative attention.  The stunt was patterned after a recent Onion feature of a similar vein.  The controversial Onion tweet involved reports of screams and gunfire coming from inside the Capitol Building.  The Onion followed up with a news report on their website, a place four out of five bribed comedians find not nearly as funny as The Daily Discord.

"We saw the attention The Onion got for that tweet," said CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow.  "Meanwhile, we put Jesus on a wanted poster or we host everybody Photoshop Muhammad day, and we get bupkis.  Yeah, we have no shame.  It’s just high time someone noticed. We’re as despicable as anyone out there."

Whereas Winslow is carrying on despite the lack of controversy, he isn’t happy about it.

"On a good day we get maybe three people emailing us with shit like, Tell the Ghetto Shaman to suck it! or What are you feeding the Crank, anyway?  Frankly, we deserve a lot more scrutiny than that."

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Pierce Pissed About Private Pool Putzes
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Pissed About Personal Pool Putzes
Pierce Winslow

I have come to the conclusion that most people who own a pool should not. They have no idea how they work, how to take care of them, or how to keep their kids from floating face-down in them on national TV. Of course, Casey Anthony figured out how to parley her mother’s pool into an acquittal, but the vast majority of the rest are oxygen thieves. We’ll start with the mundane…

Holiday Inn?  How about Holiday Out
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Holidays are excessive and outlandish, like liberal budgets.  But if you don’t get off work for them, what the hell’s the point? I did a web search on popular U.S. Holidays (I can do these now…with help). I found a list of fifty-one of them.  So let me get this straight, there are more holidays than states in the union?  Which makes me wonder, what would we do on South Dakota Day?  Anyway, I have broken down our holiday cheer into a few arbitrary and quite meaningless categories.

Discord Apology XXXIV
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time.  We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity.  Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.

Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.

On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter.  In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.

Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well. 

I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine.  The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help.  On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!

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Siberian Alien Proven a Hoax!
Siberian Alien Proven a Hoax! And may have been photoshopped by Discord staff
And may have been photoshopped by Discord staff
 
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Burger King Mascot Fails in Libya
Burger King Mascot Fails in Libya, time to call in "The Captain"
Time to call in "The Captain"
 
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Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

Ghetto Shaman Threat Level Raised to Red: World Tour Over
The Ghetto Shaman

Cairo, EG—From the beginning, the Ghetto Shaman World Tour (GSWT) was plagued with problems. The recent upheaval in Egypt was the last camel straw.  Following citizen uprisings in Tunisia, Algeria, and Yemen, civil unrest in Jordan and the Kurdish section of Syria, and now Egypt, Daily Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow said "enough is enough." 

"It’s no coincidence all this political unrest spawned within days of each of the Ghetto Shaman’s tour stops," said Winslow. "I’m all for stirring the pot, but I don’t want the Discord’s GSWT to become the Franz Ferdinand of World War III.  Besides, I told the bastard not to do the Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day bit. Moron."

While not confirmed, reports suggest Winslow received a threatening phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  It’s also been reported "Mossad" was mentioned several times during the call.

Homeland Security states it will not lower the current threat level until the Shaman is safely back in his sweat lodge.

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Discord’s Pierce Winslow Bids to Buy Phoenix Coyotes

Philadephia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is throwing his weight around again by trying to push out prospective owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, Matthew Hulsizer, by planning to purchase the NHL team out from under him.

When asked how he plans to finance the team, Winslow replied, "I’m using bailout funds…oh, um, I mean, I’m putting it on my credit card."

When asked why the Coyotes, he said, "You can get Guinness on tap at Jobing.com. That’s about it. Who cares if there’s a hockey team there? Have you ever been to West Gate? Right outside of Glendale Arena there’s over 100 different beers on tap at the Yard House. The place is awesome!"

Winslow has only a few rules for his new team, the most controversial remains: the team is not permitted to take any points from the Detroit Red Wings, home or away. Also, Winslow will be playing right wing when he’s in town.

"I used to play ice hockey on the Phantoms here in Philadelphia. I was pretty good. Oh, and I played intramurals in college with Zano and Atsals. We made it to the finals one year—F-ing Lambda Chi’s."

NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman, denies any deal in the works with the eccentric e-zine owner.

"I don’t know any Pierce Winslow," said Bettman. "If he is interested in the Coyotes he needs to go through the normal vetting process."

Winslow told Bettman "Stop living in denial. As soon as I outbid Lemieux and Burkle on you, I’ll be a shoe-in. You’ll be my little bitch just like everyone else around here. Zano, make me a sandwich and FedEx it to me 2nd day."

He also warned Coyote coach, Dave Tippett, "The Coyotes are going to need to feed me the puck a lot or I’m benching someone’s ass. And where’s my &*^%ing sandwich!?!?!?"

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WikiLeaks: The Discord Makes Stuff Up!
WikiLeaks: The Discord Makes Stuff Up!

CyberSpace—Julian Assange has unleashed his next wave of devastation and this time it’s personal.  His latest WikiLeaks dump reveals a bevy of unethical journalistic behavior over at the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord.  The dump shows an epidemic of invented news events, fictitious sources, and fabricated letters to the editor.

"Bullshit!" responded CEO Pierce Winslow. "We don’t even have an editor.  Assange is dead! Dead! I’ll bend him into a little stool pigeon pretzel and feed him to Dick Cheney.  Well, a no-salt version, of course, due to our former VP’s blood pressure."

When asked if there was any truth to the sea of allegations, Winslow said, "Hell no.  I don’t think Assange used a condom for this one either, nor any lubricant."

Winslow then released the hounds, the flying monkeys, and the seven plagues of Egypt, before issuing a dire warning, "Doesn’t Assange realize that finding out what the government is up to is just how Nazi Germany started?"

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Best Wishes in Your Future Endeavors Mick Zano
Mick Zano, former Walmart greeter

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  "Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!" said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

"I just want him gone," said Winslow.  "He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent."

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  "I’ll be just fine," said Zano.  "Well, at least until the background check comes back."

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Discord Apology Episode II: Attack of the Groans
Pierce Winslow

Philadephia, PA—It’s that time of the news cycle again.  We have limited our retractions this time to those episodes causing great personal damage or loss of life (otherwise we could be here all day).

Our journal submission Study Finds Sending Water to Flood Victims Ironic did not stay afloat under the peer review process.  Besides, there’s nothing funny about dysentery or cholera—even when worked effectively into a pun.

In our feature, Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Pull the Last Airbender’s Finger, three of the reasons were deemed "a bit of a stretch."   But, we do stand by our original premise that it is still not advisable.

At the end of the day, The Discord staff admits our feature Global Drought May Spread does not represent journalism at its finest.

Finally, we would also like to apologize to the U.S. Army for endangering our troops in the field during our ill-fated Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day.  We are willing to stand by our offer to pay for all of the dry cleaning bills (for any legitimate claim), provided the Imams in question stop calling for our beheading.

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Post O’Donnell’s Defeat November 2nd Declared National Masturbation Day
Post O’Donnell’s Defeat November 2<sup>nd</sup> Declared National Masturbation Day

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has announced their intention to name November, 2nd "National Masturbation Day"!  A large masturbatory event is being planned at the Wank-off Astoria next week and many of the Discordians are planning to attend, bird in hand.  It’s being marketed as a peter-pulling, meat-beating ex-strokeoff-ganza!

"Why would Christine O’Donnell and her ilk support teabagging, but not pud-pulling, in the first place?" asked the Discord’s Ghetto "Shucking-bubba" Shaman. "We came very close to losing a practice very dear to me, but, spankfully, we all went into our individual pulling stations this week and tossed off a vote for freedom."

When asked if the Discord is a staunch supporter of masturbation, CEO Pierce Winslow, said, "Certainly not.  But, like it or not, it’s a hard piece of reality." He then cited the controversial court decision, Roe v Wank:  "Ultimately, I want such practices to be kept safe, legal, and rare."  Winslow warns if we outlaw the practice, "it will simply go underwear…er, underground.  Sorry, that was a Freudian slip-n-slide."

Celebrate your masturbate, people! And remember, folks, you don’t have to be a member to play with your member.  The first one hundred patrons ride the Super Glide all day, free!  Don’t forget to stop by our Viagra, salsa, and lotion bar, and don’t miss our special guest speaker Paul Reubens! We’re expecting John Boehner to boycott, however John Boner will almost certainly be in attendance.

Void where inhibited.

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Serendrunkity and Drinkronicity
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Many believe we are subject to increasing synchronicities as we spiral toward some type of mass awakening in the near future.  I have noticed this increase in strangely linked events, but only when leveled against my own rising blood alcohol content and when dealing with old, pain in the ass pals who also happen to be fellow Discordians.

Discord Declares October 31st Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—Earlier today, CEO Pierce Winslow discussed with the press The Daily Discord’s plans to strike several radical Imams with raw eggs this Halloween.  His e-zine has come under considerable scrutiny lately for what some are calling "pathetic attempts at publicity." After Winslow explained the intricacies of Operation Trick or Trick, the Ghetto Shaman stepped up to the podium and called for the belittling of Yemen’s Imam, Al->Awlaki.

He then recited a variation of Churchill’s speech, "We shall egg them on the beaches, we shall egg them in the pubs and in the bars, we shall never soufflender!"

No one laughed, however, as the Shaman grumbled off.

Other targets have been identified as, "That asshole calling for war with America if that other asshole burns the Koran, any Imams threatening bloggers or cartoonists, and that guy from Honesdale that keeps calling my wife."

When asked about egging random Mosques, Winslow said, "Absolutely not!  This is an asshole-specific-event (ASE), and it must be limited to truly radical Imams, not controversial Imams.  Anyone on Fox News with an IQ could be deemed controversial."

Winslow compared the upcoming activity to December 7th, when, to honor the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Discord gang eggs all the area’s Mitsubishi dealers.

"It’s part of our own Zero Zero Tolerance Law," added Winslow with a wink.

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Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops
Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before.  The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

"The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!"

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, "Where is everyone?  We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!"

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

"I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!"

This had the desired effect.  Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones.  This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event. 

"We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "But many were with us in spirit—just not in person.  We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either.  It’s just impossible to know for sure."

"This is a grass & roots movement like no other," said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca  or Ibogaine.

"This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days," said the Shaman.  "We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.

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Discord Seeks Mob Protection from Devo
Discord Seeks Mob Protection from Devo

Lodi, NJ—The Discord’s Bald Tony met with Frankie Vincent, of Sopranos and Goodfellas fame, to discuss their "situation" with a radicalized, extremist pop-band known as Devo. This group is threatening violence in response to intentions to destroy several Duran Duran albums during the Discord’s highly controversial event Burn Duran Day.

Bald Tony reports negotiations at an undisclosed location over pasta went well last night.

Vincent told the Discord staffer, "Consider the problem solved. They’re nerds."

Bald Tony reports the meeting was cordial but intimidating.

"I just kept thinking, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes…then, the first thing out of my mouth is, ‘so this horse’s head, Joe Pesci, and a Port Authority employee walk into a bar...’"

 It all ended well, apparently, although no one has seen or heard from Tony since Operation Cannoli went into effect yesterday evening.

"We underestimated the response," said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We had no idea how many people still liked Duran Duran. We have suspended Burn Duran Day indefinitely, and we are probably just going to go drinking instead."

When asked if any members of the Daily Discord might forge ahead with the scheduled album burning, Winslow said, "No. They really like drinking.  Besides, they’re not worried about any backlash; they just don’t finish anything they start. Take this post, for example, they were supposed to…

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Bush Forever Cements Legacy by Forfeiting Heisman Trophy
Bush Forever Cements Legacy by Forfeiting Heisman Trophy, and that Iraq War thing didn’t help either
and that Iraq War thing didn’t help either
 
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Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!
Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!

Philadelphia, PA—In what is being hailed as "the copycat publicity stunt from hell", the Daily Discord plans to burn old Duran Duran albums en mass next Saturday.  According to inside sources, Discord staffers have accumulated 16 of the band’s albums, mostly Rio, as well as one of the bassist’s rarer solo albums (Dave Atsals is a huge fan).  Unless their demands are met, the Discord is planning this pop-pyre at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philadelphia, PA, on the anniversary of the cancellation of Celebrity Family Feud

When asked about these demands, the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, channeled a certain teen beauty queen. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, uh—"

"We will burn all of these albums onto our hard drives," cut in the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. "Muslims hate illegal downloads.  It makes them crazy…er, crazier."

He then recited a strange variation of Churchill’s speech, with lyrics such as: "We shall fight them on the bitches!" to the backdrop of his fellow Discordians belting out one of the worst renditions of Hungry Like the Wolf ever karaoked.  The unauthorized press conference ended when the Philadelphia Police Department tear gassed the lot.

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Mysterious Crap Circles Found in FarmVille!
Mysterious Crap Circles Found in FarmVille! Are Our Mafia Wars Characters Safe from these Titanic Virtual Turds?
Are Our Mafia Wars Characters Safe from these Titanic Virtual Turds?
 
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Kubrick Directed Obama Family Gulf Swim!

Hollywood, CA-The Daily Discord has proof the Obama’s recent Gulf swim was displayed through the lens of, none other than, director Stanley Kubrick.  The event was staged, a fraud, a sham! Inside sources believe the scene was filmed on the soundstage where Kubrick filmed, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Spartacus, and that last Friends episode.  Republicans are, of course, trying to make as much political hay as possible out of this event by turning it into 2010: A Race Odyssey

Our own roving reporter, Bald Tony, cornered former astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, in a Kwik E Mart earlier today and asked him if the moon landing was also staged by Kubrick.  Aldrin became incensed and hurled several Hostess products at our reporter before a convenience store clerk, Apu Nahasa-something-or-other, intervened.

"Easy on my Twinkies, you Ding Dongs!"

Many are calling the Discord’s evidence "doctored" and "PhotoShopped."  The CEO of the popular e-zine, Pierce Winslow, defends the unnamed source of the photo.

"The picture clearly shows the Obamas swimming on the moon.  I don’t know what more proof you need than that," said Winslow.

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Janet Jackson Brings Wardrobe Malfunction to a Whole New Level
Janet Jackson Brings Wardrobe Malfunction to a whole new level
 
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Over 6,000 Daily Discord Emails Leaked to the Public
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, admitted to the press today over 6,000 internal emails between Discord contributors were released to the public in a move many are calling "intentional."

Winslow is downplaying the impact of the incident, "The fact remains these documents don't reveal any issues that haven't already informed our public debate regarding the behavioral and psychological health of my staff."

The following are two examples of actual correspondence between Discord contributors:


From: the ghetto shaman
Sent: Thursday, April, 9, 2009  2:20AM
To: pwinslow12@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: I’m bringing the potato gun to the next party, bitches!


Winslow, buddy.  don’t let the large number fool you.  bail is always set at 10% of the fine. 10%! peanuts for a big man like you.  oh, and I told you that putting all of your money in Shagg Technologies was a bad idea, bitch.

Ghetto Shaman



From: mick zano
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:19 PM
To: DDiscord@yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: [The Discord] Re: I’m not usually like that on jagermeister, baby, honest


Captain’s Blog 5/8/08,

The Discord is off to a shaky start, folks. Winslow has spent untold thousands on drunken "business meetings" and the Crank’s video submissions are obscene, senseless, and costly.  After watching his last video I feel dirty. Thankfully, we don’t have the bandwidth for videos yet. As far as increasing submissions, Dave Atsals is still in the final stages of his first sentence, which has the word doohickey in it (twice), spelled differently each time.  Neither is the way i would spell doohickey, mind you, but that's what final editing is for, right? heh, heh.  On a good note, Winslow has finished outsourcing the web design to a man named, Mr. Rufies, who promises to finish the project if we all meet him at the mall around closing time. Otherwise things are going quite smoothly (for us).

Mick Z.

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A Big Thank You to N/A and Other Inane Website Statistics
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—As CEO of the Daily Discord, I usually do an apology for the horrible things our bad journalism typically unleashes on our fair communities. Instead, I would rather thank the country of N/A for consistently being first or second on our geographic visitor listing.  Also of interest, we had 953 page views from the Netherlands yesterday, which even beat the country of N/A.  But, alas, it turned out to be just one guy from Copenhagen with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  We also got one hit last week from the key search word "bestiality" (no shit), which is really a milestone for us here at the Discord, although we’re not exactly sure why.  Regardless, welcome to the fold, sick fuck! 

We would also like a big shout out to our seven friends in Iran, who are watching the goings on of our little website a little too closely.  Heh, heh.  That was nervous laughter, if you were wondering.  If you actually are tuning in from Iran (somehow) and are in no way affiliated with the tyrannical regime in power, might we suggest asking a question of our Ghetto Shaman.  He will, of course, set right to work ignoring it. Your chance of being beheaded is, like, what for such an affront to Allah?  Really, what is it?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Maybe that could be your question to the Ghetto Shaman.  Just do it!  When has he ever steered our readers wrong?

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Wanted: The Daily Discord Administrator Who Posted the Following Plug on Facebook
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

The Daily Discord admitts to its wrogdoings, Obama controls Hookers?, The Bone shouts out, and petruding pectorals now on the Daily Discord. Suggest us to your friends we promise they wont hate you for it. But then again we do spoof and satire so take that for what it is.

Thomas Suggests Controversial Discord Contributor Relocate to Poland!
Thomas Suggests Controversial Discord Contributor Relocates to Poland! "I'll get you my Cranky, and your little blog too!"
"I'll get you my Cranky, and your little blog too!"
 
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God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry
God Responds to Daily Discord’s "Draw Muhammad Day" Entry

Intercourse, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, watched as the Supreme Diety burned his rural Pennsylvania home to the ground over Memorial Day weekend.

"It was horrible," said Winslow.  "God can really make you feel helpless.  Sure, you can flip him off and yell obscenities from your front lawn, but if that fucker wants to torch your house, he’s gonna do it."

Winslow believes that God tried to contact the Daily Discord several times last week, but his messages were ignored.

"Zano just doesn’t answer shit," said Winslow.  "He’s like an idiot savant without the savant.  We have good people contributing material and we never answer any of them. God himself even tried our contact button last week, but we rarely answer such things.  Heck, there’s a porn star that keeps emailing the Ghetto Shaman and we didn’t even answer her last few questions.  So, under those circumstances, what chance does God have for a response, really?  On that note, what’s the difference between a porn star and God?  I would get up early on Sunday for a porn star."

Winslow added, "I don’t even know why he’s sticking up for Muhammad.  That prophet has issues.  Somehow our article Jesus to be Brought before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case goes unnoticed, not to mention all of our recent Pope bashing and now the big guy goes and picks a fight?"

Winslow wants God to know that a Mr. Cohen will be pressing his contact button soon, bitch.

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In Honor of "Draw Muhammad Day"
In Honor of "Draw Muhammad Day", Moe-Hammed
Moe-Hammad
 
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Battle Beneath the Planet of Another Discord Apology
Pierce Winslow

As journalists with more integrity than you can crush a puppy with, it is time, yet again, to right our wrongs, correct our errors, and apologize for the horrible consequences our shortcomings have had on various institutions, individuals, and society as a whole. 

Our recent headline Christ and Fabio’s Spandex Battle should have read Crist and Rubio’s Spending Battle.

Our headline Thai Prostitutes Tango with Army, should have read Thai Protestors Tangle with Army.  Don’t know what the hell happened with that one, heh, heh.

Our headline Why is Breast Cancer Rate Drooping?, should have read: Why is Breast Cancer Rate Dropping?  We really feel like boobs about that one.

And, whereas our article Human Remains Discovered in Local Cemetery may have been accurate, in retrospect, it isn’t particularly news worthy.  We would also like to extend a heartfelt apology to the Paulson family for the unnecessary, and quite unauthorized, exhuming of their Beloved Dorothy. 

In defense of our editing staff…er, we don’t really have an editing staff.  We do have Microsoft Word’s grammar check, which puts annoying red and green lines under things.  We believe Red means stop and Green means go.  It’s worked so far.  We do encourage the people at Microsoft Office to consider Yellow, meaning that this may be usable in small circles, but proceed with caution.

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Discord at the Discord: or, Why as a Contributor I’ve Resorted to Death Threats and Violence
By L. Wolfe
Statue of Daily Discord CEO Pierce Winslow toppled
L. Wolfe

To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article.  I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano).  This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant.  I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.

Fledgling Discord Freelancers Felled by Unfriendly Fusillade
Pierce Winslow shoots down another contributor

Philadelphia, PA - Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

"The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin' me?" said Winslow. "We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you're good, maybe you'll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils."

"Yeah, cash, what's that?" stated Dave Atsals. "I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?"

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: "It’s for fame and glory purposes only."

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

"Then he typically loses the file," said Zano, "or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, 'What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels' and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking."

"It’s better than how the process used to work," added Atsals.

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Daily Discord’s CEO to Ban All Acronym Jokes (BAAJ)
Pierce Winslow

Here ye, here ye.  From this day forward, all acronym jokes are hereby stricken from this website.  I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, declare all acronym jokes unlawful.  Such feeble attempts at humor are henceforth banished to Bogeyland, sent to the Forbidden Zone, and otherwise text-communicated.   Do you really think people are still laughing at these?  It’s unacceptable to me, Zano!  He doesn’t even edit other people’s shit anymore, he just adds lousy acronym jokes (ALAJ).  See!  Now he’s got me doing it!  Well, no more.  The party is over.  In lieu of the holes that this decree is sure to create, I would like to add only search keywords to increase the website’s hits and page views.  So instead of seeing an article entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (RKIW), you will now see: Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (political humor site).  Do you have any idea how hard it is to generate hits from articles entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels?  God, my writers suck!  

When you, our faithful audience, become more accustomed to these necessary changes, you won’t even notice them.  These procedural additions will ensure a savvy marketing strategy that could funnel as many as ten more people toward our site (fake news sarcasm).  See?  I bet you didn’t even notice that one.  If you have any questions, please click the Contact Us link on our home page (funny news), and we will most likely ignore it outright (satire political spoof).

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Winslow in Rehab; Six Days Off the Farm
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I have entered a virtual rehab to treat an addiction to Facebook’s Farmville. There, I said it. I have a problem, well, maybe not. But this thing is evil.

Porn Free: One Cabby’s Vegas Tail
By Bald Tony
Madison Parker thanks Bald Tony for the lift. The feeling is mutual.
Bald Tony

Having hardly adjusted to the premature dismantling of the roving stripper mobile, Las Vegas is dealt yet another serious blow.  I’m not talking about Obama’s gaffe: I, the Great Bald One, can no longer support the porn industry, or the people who attend these adult entertainment expos.  It all started when the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, insisted I attend the annual AEE at The Sands Expo Center.  Normally you would never find me anywhere near such smut, unless I have a roll of singles.  Luckily, as a cabby...

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned
Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale
 
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Report Suggests Military Missed Signs Fort Hood Shootist was Radicalized
Report Suggests Military Missed Signs Fort Hood Shootist was Radicalized...Fort Hood Christmas Party 2008
Fort Hood Christmas Party 2008
 
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The Two Towers
The Two Towers
 
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John + Kate + 8 + Psychotic Bimbo - John - $230K – Show + Burglary = Who Gives a Flying Fuck?
By Pierce Winslow
John + Kate + 8 + Psychotic Bimbo - John - $230K – Show + Burglary = Who Gives a Flying Fuck?
Pierce Winslow

If you had any doubt that America is on the bullet-train to Shitville, just take a gander at this whole John & Kate calamity. Honestly, why are we still talking about this? Why were we in the first place? Why is it still splattered all over the news, and, in particular, all over my TV? Why the fuck do I have to write this article?

If a Woods Drives into a Tree with Nobody Around to Recount It, Does It Make a Sound?
If a Woods Drives into a Tree with Nobody Around to Recount It, Does It Make a Sound?

Isleworth, Fl—Apparently, it does. First it makes a sound like a golf club repeatedly hitting a windshield, then it makes a sound like crackling fiberglass and splintering wood.   This account comes from a family of squirrels, who, now homeless, are filing a civil suite against the Woods-es-es. 

The Daily Discord is the first major sponsor to be dropping Mr. Woods as a direct result of the incident.

"I can no longer support him," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow.  "A Cadillac, Tiger?  Ram your Toyota Corolla into every damn tree in Florida, but I will not endorse a golf guy who can not drive a Caddy (pardon the golf pun). Besides, who drives around at 2:30AM sober?  There should be a law against that."

Mr. Winslow also went on to tell the press his intentions to marry Mrs. Woods.

"But when you email me, Elin, please say you’re technical support, or something.  Talk in an Indian accent…Not Hopi, you stupid git, India Indians.  Think of Apu from the Simpsons. Wait, my wife’s coming.  Act casual, say nothing."

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Apocalypse Now: The Daily Discord Secretly Enriching Uranium?
Apocalypse Now: The Daily Discord Secretly Enriching Uranium?

Philadelphia, PA - The Bible warns of a powerful leader and a false prophet who would one day rise to power under the direction of ‘Our Lord’ Satan.  It is prophesized that this unholy trio would ultimately bring about both the destruction of the world, as well as alternate street parking (not necessarily in that order). The Daily Discord’s own CEO, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that he and his trusty sidekick, the Ghetto Shaman, have been covertly enriching weapons grade uranium in the back of Winslow’s 1985 Ford Granada. 

"That’s just crazy," said Winslow, while laughing in a fake, unconvincing kind of way.  "Besides, I own a 1986 Ford Granada."

If the Discord is successful in obtaining a nuclear device, experts warn it could trigger an unprecedented virtual arms race that would quickly spread across the blogosphere.  The above picture is believed to be the actual Discord weapons facility, or a close replica, or possibly a Neolithic bird sanctuary. 

"If the Daily Discord were to obtain such a device," said Winslow,  "we would do what any good ezine would—nuke Facebook!"

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I WANT TO BELIEVE:  American Digest Isn’t Abducting Our X-Files Shit
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Philadelphia, PA - CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is not playing games. He wants to send a clear message to American Digest, who, last week, posted a picture eerily similar to the Discord’s. That message being that this behavior won’t be tolerated.

"The t-shirts are the main concern," said Winslow. "We could easily sell 5 or 6 of those at a net profit of something ranging toward a cool Grant."

"A grand?"

"No, a Grant….fifty bucks," clarified Winslow. "So send us fifty bucks, American Digest, and we’re even. Or, you’ll be hearing from a Mr. Cohen."

Mr. Winslow was asked if he would still sue if the picture in American Digest proved to be posted before his own. He was also asked why the Daily Discord fails to copyright anything.

"Details!" replied Winslow. "Copyrighting is for pussies. We stole the balloon pic from the Drudge Report, fair and square, and then Sean Kelsey worked his Photoshop magic that very night. It happened like this: our guy Zano thinks of the idea as he’s watching that silver balloon sail across the Colorado sky. He thinks of this stuff because he’s not well, you see. His thoughts are then broadcast across the noosphere, amplifying throughout the morphic resonance."

When asked to explain that last statement, Mr. Winslow went into a tangential rant involving Carl Jung, Teilhard de Chardin and that old ‘Hey Vern’ guy.

When asked how he plans to prove damages in court, Winslow said, "Look, our post is better. The morphic resonance acts like a filter so, by the time their guy thought of it, the thing is dumbed down a bit. 'Balloon Boy' doesn’t even appear anywhere on their picture. So in a few weeks, people are going to look at their t-shirt and say, what the hell is that a giant portabella mushroom in the sky? Sure it might have some appeal in certain psychedelic circles, but for the most part it’s crap! Now, if you will excuse me, Matt Drudge is texting me in ALL CAPS."

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Austin Police Chief to Criminalize Bloggers!

Austin, TX - Austin Police Chief, Art Acevedo, says he is ready to “take on” blogs and will be perusing the comment sections on local media internet sites.  Acevedo believes his police department has been misrepresented in the blogosphere on numerous issues.

“A lot of my people feel it is time to take these people on,” said Acevedo. “When people are willfully misleading and lying, they are pretty much cowards anyway because they are doing so under the cloak of anonymity.” 

The Crank—which is his god given name, mind you—had this to say: “Hey, Buford T. Justice, leave them blogs alone!”

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, is “highly offended that Chief Acevedo keeps soliciting his children for sex.”

Mick Zano would like to add that he “hopes he comes clean on the bestiality charges soon.”

Chief Acevedo went on to say that he “likes to where pretty pink dresses and gets obnoxiously drunk during business hours on the taxpayer’s dime.”

The Daily Discord’s own, Bald Tony, has discovered the chilling truth that the first amendment means nothing to this man, and, apparently “when he’s not luring young women to their demise, he likes to lure young boys to their demise.”

In his own defense, Chief Acevedo had this to say, “I am fascinated with human excrement, but won’t seek help because of my deeply spiritual Wiccan belief system.”

The Daily Discord welcomes the Acevedo lawsuit to come.

“We’re kind of surprised the Maria Shriver lawsuit never panned out,” said Winslow. Despite the inability to get sued by anyone, Winslow remains optimistic.  “I believe any publicity is good publicity—right, goat-humping cop guy?”

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Breaking News: Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow to Fire Zano as Head Comedy Writer!
Breaking News: Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow to Fire Zano as Head Comedy Writer!...Yeah, uh, I’m going to need you to blog on Saturdays.  That’d be great.
Yeah, uh, I’m going to need you to blog on Saturdays. That’d be great.
 
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Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration

Philadelphia, PA - The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, claims that the festivities scheduled for this big event have been cancelled in honor of a new Discord tradition, Great Recession Day.  Winslow would like to extend a big ‘thank you’ and an even bigger ‘Happy Anniversary’ to the Daily Discord, now heralded by at least one bald person in Vegas as “bordering on significant.” 

Now a word from the Big Guy himself: “We are laying off several Discord staffers, who either don’t earn their keep or just plain SUCK.  Your pink slips are in the mail, bitches.  In an effort to save on unemployment compensation, some of you are encouraged to report from deep within Taliban controlled territories, or from inside North Korea itself.  The Crank is no longer both Goomis and the Crank; having two names is a luxury we can no longer afford.  We are all going to have to make sacrifices.  The Ghetto Shaman agrees to continue to work for chicken wings, because “my message is too important for mankind, and I love the suicide sauce!”

Pokey should be released from jail soon, but his parole officer is not thrilled with his participation in our fine Ezine.  On a related note, screw you, officer Desoto!  Dave Atsals has finally agreed to stop sending material in exchange for beer.  That is all...oh, and remember, Big Winslow is watching.  Oh, and check out our anniversary page from week one!  I posted the first historic feature article, and it’s been all downhill every since.

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BOY! I Say, I Say BOY!
BOY! I Say, I Say BOY!...Gimme my reporter chicks back!
Gimme my reporter chicks back!
 
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Police Seek Ghetto Shaman as Person of Interest in Jackson Case
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Los Angeles, CA - The Los Angeles Police Department has uncovered evidence suggesting the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman was Jackson’s first spiritual advisor.  The picture, depicted above, was obtained through the combined efforts of LIFE Magazine and someone who knows Adobe Photoshop.  The Shaman allegedly continued to prescribe ‘herbal’ remedies to the pop legend, nonstop, since the early seventies.

“He’s definitely a person of interest,” stated detective Augustin Villanueva of the LAPD.  “Let me be clear, we’re not implying there was any foul play here, but simple import/export transactions were ongoing between the two.”

The police know that copious amounts of Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor, Banana Red Mad Dog, and dime baggies of something containing trace amounts of THC were regularly exchanged between the two.  A handwritten note from the Ghetto Shaman with directions on how to make hallucinogens from nutmeg and Ramen Noodles was also found at the Neverland Ranch, along with a pamphlet on something called Midget Reiki.  Against all odds, the Daily Discord was able to arrange an exclusive interview with the Ghetto Shaman, who remains in hiding.

“I was in constant communication with Dr. Conrad Murray (Jackson’s personal physician),” claims the Ghetto Shaman.  “I am innocent!”

He also wants authorities to know the two were coordinating their efforts to return Michael to the “real world.” The Ghetto Shaman insists that all of his techniques are designed to expand consciousness in a safe and effective way, using only a few household poisons.  Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, would like to stand by his comrade during this difficult time period.

“Turn yourself in, freak,” said Winslow.  “You can still send us your weekly column from the pokey…By the way, where the hell is Pokey?  And where is this week’s post?  I need it every THURSDAY.  No postee, no payee, bitch.”

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Michael Jackson Is Still Dead, for Now
By Pierce Winslow

The announcement that Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009, has taken this country and the entire world by storm. However, the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has uncovered evidence that Michael Jackson really died in a pyrotechnic accident while filming a Pepsi commercial way back in 1984. Apparently the character we have been seeing is really an animatronic facsimile of the pop star now dead for 25 years.

Specially Processed Swine Food Sparks Global Spamdemic?

San Diego, CA - During a conference on Universal Healthcare in San Diego earlier today, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Minute Mart, unveiled the above map. Created from over fifty cans of SPAM, the map is a cryptic warning of things to come.

“This is what our planet is going to look like by 2014!” shouted Hogbien to a stunned crowd of healthcare professionals.

Among a list of wild assertions, Hogbien insists that Spam is to blame for the current global pandemic. Witnesses report the aged archeologist belted out Monty Python’s Spam song as he was hauled away by hotel security.  The Obama Administration has not released any statement on the matter. CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is calling for a boycott of all Spam related products, “just in case.”  When asked about his life-sized Spam sculpture fountain that typically adorns the annual employee picnic, Winslow became highly agitated.  He started reciting excerpts of Churchill’s speech and then stapled his tie to his forehead.  President Obama has failed to comment on that too.

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Winslow: Discord to Return to its Glorious Past
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Philadelphia PA - Today Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, announced that the ezine would be re-running the best of their past postings in a new forum "Distinguished Discord, the Best Of".

"We are very excited to release some of our best material in a single location," said Winslow, "OK, the truth is that our writers ain't what they used to be. Ever since the recall of their pencil-pens they've lost their direction; or rather found a new one: downhill. In order to make up for it we're going to start pulling material from back when they were half decent; OK, a quarter decent. Apparently our stimulus package was less than stimulating."

While Winslow denies it, Discord insiders report that a significant portion of that stimulus money was used to back a failed attempt to purchase the senate seat vacated by now U.S. President Barack Obama.

"Now, we've been over that," answered Winslow. "Besides, if my staff needs it I can stimulate them myself."

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From My Cold Dead Opposable Thumbs

Gorillas, Bigfoots, Yetis, and other large primates across our great nation are not taking the Obama Administration’s current gun control policies lightly. Outrage is spreading across the heavily wooded regions of our country like wildfirearms.

CEO Pierce Winslow would like to personally apologies for that last joke: “We are working diligently here at the Discord to limit puns. My position on this matter has remained clear: like abortions, puns should be safe, legal, and rare.  If you spot a pun that you find personally offensive, tell us about it, because pun spelled backwards is nup. And, frankly, a nup is a nup.”

And now back to our regularly scheduled faux article:

Bernie Stillman, a Bigfoot sympathizer and cryptzoo activist, feels that making it difficult for humans to possess guns is a “slippery slope” that could ultimately work its way right down the evolutionary ladder.

“I don’t even want to think about what would happen if our ocean communities lost their second amendment rights,” continued Stillman.  “Huge schools of smaller fish would be at even greater risk of predation.  It would be a free-for-all.” 

Stillman has fought for the rights of a variety of species to protect themselves from the chaos of otherwise unfair and unfriendly ecosystems across our globe.

“If Obama is going to try to take away a Yeti’s AK-47,” warned Stillman, “he’d better beef up his personal security, or else he’ll end up like that inappropriate New York Post cartoon.”

Stillman backpedaled when questioned as to whether or not he was comparing President Obama to a monkey and threatening his life.

Stillman attempted to make light of the subject by adding, “Fuck Islam.”

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Ode to Nunchaku
Ode to Nunchaku...How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
 
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Mounting Pressure Forces Discord Staff to Return Stimulus Bonuses

Philadelphia, PA — CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow announced his intentions today to retrieve all of the pencil sets that looked like pens distributed at this past year’s Christmas party.  The gifts were allegedly purchased with recently acquired stimulus funds.

“If my staff is going to bitch about everything,” said Winslow, “then they can type their articles with their own damn pencils.”

Mr. Winslow is said to be displaying increasingly bizarre behaviors.  He reportedly made rooster sounds in the middle of the interview and began hurling handfuls of the Discord’s office supplies from the agencies’ third-floor business suite onto some surprised motorists below. 

 “This is a sad day for the Discord,” admits the ezines’ Chief Vegas Correspondent, Bald Tony.  “And by sad, I mean typical.”

When asked if he would be honoring the mandate to return the item, Tony replied, “From my cold, dead…sure whatever.”

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Romer Picked to Head Economic Advisory Council
Romer Picked to Head Economic Advisory Council...Yabba Dabba Dough!
Yabba Dabba Dough!
 
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The Ghosts of Brewers Past: Philly’s General Lafayette Inn
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The para-abnormal research team consisted of Ranger Rick, who both led the investigation and set the pace (three pints an hour), Pierce Winslow, our tech-guru (who wrote the whole thing off as a business expense), Pokey McDooris, philosopher and sideshow attraction, Timmo O’Frynn, driver and camera man, Bob Krazmoski, treasurer and straight man, and, yours truly, Mick Zano, addiction counselor/beer enthusiast.

Attempt to Fly Texas Panhandle to Gulf Deemed ‘Abysmal Failure’
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If it truly is all about location, location, location, then the desolate Texas panhandle is fated to remain the barren wasteland that it is today. Gulf front property is allegedly the real inspiration behind the multitudes of ‘wind generators’ dotting the northern Texas landscape.

“We’re sick of being permanently wedged between the suckier parts of Oklahoma and the suckier parts of Texas,” states project manager Biff Ayers.  “Why should gulf towns have all the fun?”  Ayers is not discouraged by the fact that the 26,000 square-mile landmass has not moved an inch since the onset of the covert operation: Project Institute Mobilization of Panhandle (PIMP).

“In retrospect positioning the fans to face north would have helped,” admits Ayers.  “It’s just as easy to get these things right, you know.”  The Daily Discord is astounded by the naivety of this ill-fated endeavor, and our own CEO Pierce Winslow believes it would take “easily twice as many fans” to get this plan off the ground.

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No Link Between Discord Executive and Corrupt Illinois Gov. Blagojevich

The Daily Discord’s Chief Executive Pierce Winslow is amidst a political firestorm that can only be described as a political firestorm.  Winslow is adamantly denying any connection to the recent arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.  U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald’s office is in possession of several phone conversations—one of which allegedly includes Mr. Winslow attempting to purchase Barak Obama’s vacated Senate seat.  Whereas Mr. Winslow is clearly heard offering part of the Discord’s recent two billion dollar bailout fund for the Senate seat in question, the conversation is garbled by dingbats and expletives.

The key phrase investigators are focusing on what occurred on December 1st, when Winslow is heard shouting: “I want that &*^%ing Senate seat, dip &*^%, or I’ll come over their myself and stick a *@&^  #*&^% with forceps you *&^%$ %^& #*&*^9$& sick &*&^ with bacon bits.  Winslow is also quoted as saying, “F*&* me, Blagojevich?  F&*^ You, you &**^%$ &^*# Cornel Wilde *&^%ing *&^% *&^&!”

Head attorney at the Discord, Mr. G. Shaman believes the garbled nature of the message renders it “F&#@ing moot” and, furthermore, promises to clean his own system prior to the court proceedings.

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2008 Election: Redneck Reaction
2008 Election: Redneck Reaction
 
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No Biden Bounce, Democrats Opt for Conjoined Ticket
By Pierce Winslow
In an attempt to resolve the Obama/Clinton primary controversies once and for all the Democratic National Committee (DNC) called upon the Liberal Genetic Engineering Community (LGEC) to solve their problem.
Discord Videos
The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
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Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4:
Speed Powder
Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4: Speed Powder
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 Camera Down! Now Maybe He'll Have Some Time for Our Editing.
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