Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
July 24, 2014
THE NEXT PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AQUAMAN UNDEROOS ARE, I'M JUST GOING TO PUNCH • NRA PLANNING "SOMETHING SPECIAL" FOR UPCOMING 75TH SCHOOL SHOOTING SINCE COLUMBINE • OIL TANKER EXPLODES OFF COAST OF JAPAN: NO GIANT MONSTERS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY • TED CRUZ WINS REPUBLICAN STRAW POLL? THAT’S THE LAST STRAW POLL...YOU BROKE IT. • CLOSE GUANTONOMO: FIVE DOWN, 149 TO GO... I ADMIT THIS POSITION WON'T BE HORRIBLY POPULAR WITH HORRIBLE PEOPLE • IRONY ALERT: ICE FLOES DISAPPEARING FAST, REPUBLICAN THOUGHT GLACIALLY SLOW • OBAMA ASKS THE FIVE RELEASED TALIBAN PRISONERS TO "KINDLY RETURN TO GUANTANOMO" •
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The Chronicles of Jack Primus Book 1
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Impeachment: You're Doing It Wrong
Impeachment: You're Doing it Wrong
 
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This Just in From Crank Headquarters
This Just in From Crank Headquarters
 
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Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria
Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria; Why are their Secretaries so Angry?
Why are their Secretaries so angry?
 
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Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire
Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire,
France left out on purpose.See full feature here.
 
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What Were Republicans, Daddy?
What were Republicans, Daddy?
 
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The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About His Apprentice
The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About his Apprentice
 
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Breaking Vlad?
By Mick Zano
Breaking Vlad?
Mick Zano

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine...uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw
GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw

Detroit, MI—General Motors is back in the news today after a defect caused dozens of their automobiles to burst into flames last week. Still reeling from their recent round of recalls, GM is refusing to recall these models, because they are claiming the fiery blasts are "epic" and "cool".

The new CEO of GM, Mary Barra, is claiming the explosions are, "Pretty spectacular. Our cars’ ability to burst into a ball of fire is simply a special feature included with these models to spice things up a bit. Some people would pay extra for such an impressive pyrotechnic display. We feel such an ability should come standard in all of our vehicles. The Cobalt is now the Cobolt. One day you’ll find out why, and the Chevy Volt is now simply more aptly named. Try driving one of our new Kevorkian series cars. It will leave you breathless. No really, the muffler fumes are somehow funneled back into the cab."

Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D?
Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D? Or, hard choice to keep promising…
Or, hard choice to keep promising…
 
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Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition, The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
 
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Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Did you see the parade of war criminals surface all across the Fox Nation this week? You know, the ones who never got anything right about Iraq and should be in jail? They have more advice now that Iraq is descending into a civil war. Fox also started running endless 2007 republican Surge-justification-quotes (SJQ). Here’s the thing, saying Iraq will fall apart without U.S. support in 2007 is kind of like Churchill, instead of his famous 1940 speech, saying, "You know, I think Hitler’s up to something."

Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
Who is the Sith Lord and Who is the Sithy Boy?
 
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David Brat Seems Pretty Okay for a Tea Bagger
David Brat Seems Pretty Okay for a Tea Bagger, Move away from the image slowly, no sudden moves.<br />Try to ease your finger toward minimize.
Move away from the image slowly, no sudden moves.
Try to ease your finger toward minimize.
 
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David and GOPliath?
David and GOPliath? Cantor now eligible for Obamacare
Cantor now eligible for Obamacare
 
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Alternate Timeline: Fox Ramps up Ridicule Over Failure to Rescue Bergdahl
Alternate Timeline: Fox Ramps Up Ridicule over Failure to Rescue Bergdahl, Scienctists estimate that at any one time Republicans can be wrong on the same issue in up to seven dimensions
Scienctists estimate that at any one time Republicans can be wrong on the same issue in up to seven dimensions
 
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Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary
Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary

Washington—President Barack Obama announced today the late great actor and performer Marcel Marceau would be replacing Jay Carney as Press Secretary. Obama claims the decision was "an easy one" and he then explained how the idea came to him while wasting millions of tax payer’s dollars during a recent trip to France.

This announcement sparked a wave of expected outrage from republicans, who hate the French. When asked about the logistics of hiring a deceased mime, Obama said, "It can be one of his helpers. Marceau is like Santa Claus in France, so we’ll just get one of his oompa loompas or something."

The White House issued a retraction shortly after this statement and henceforth Marceau’s helpers were referred to as Marceaupials.

The White House believes the flow of information will continue much as it has before, but the President did make some suggestions to help with the new format, "The press might want to limit their questions to ones that can be answered by either: man climbing rope, man walking against wind or man trapped in box. Just sayin’."

The GOP: You’re All Glenn Beck Now
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas the list of Obama created scandals are exaggerated or biased (see: Benghazi), the list of atrocities perpetrated by republicans remain profoundly disturbing (see: climate change denial). It’s profound enough for me to use an adverb, against my better judgment. Most posts go against my better judgment...fine, I don’t have a better judgment. But do you remember when only Glenn Beck was crazy and the rest of the GOP had some sense of perspective and reason? Yeah, me neither.

Biden Refuses Prom Request
Biden Refuses Prom Request…but he agrees to meet girl afterwards on beach
…but he agrees to meet girl afterwards on beach
 
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McDonald's PR Pyro Nightmare
McDonald's PR Pyro Nightmare, Fast food giant to postpone bobbing for basket French fries contest
Fast food giant to postpone bobbing for basket French fries contest
 
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Wanna’ Fix This Country? Prescribe Low-T for the Dems and Ginkoba for the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Forgive me, if I don’t want to relive this schitznik, Pokey. This is like reaching over on Ground Hog day to shutoff I Got You Babe on my clock radio. What is wrong with you people? Oh yeah, you outsourced thinking to the Koch Brothers. Good luck with that. What I will do is offer some cliff notes as well as some exciting new insights in the form of sarcastic cartoons. You know, the usual.

This Day in History: Elias Issa Heads to Salem After Allegations Surface of Witchcraft
This Day in History: Jed Issa Heads to Salem after Allegations Surface of Witchcraft

Salem, MA—On this day in history in 1692, Elias Issa, the great-great-great-great grandfather of Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), climbed onto a long wagon train heading East. He braved the over 3,000 mile trek from Vista California to Salem, overcoming heat, anti-native American football slogans, and early liberal bias "just to hang some chicks."

Elias Issa, then the head of the God-I-Still-Miss-the-Inquisition subcommittee, was a Puritan conservative investigator known for his harsh sentencing and B.O. Throughout his tenor Issa remained determined to bring young ladies, who often gave him bad thoughts at night before bedtime, to justice. He also investigated allegations of farmers abusing their sheep, who often gave him bad thoughts at night before bedtime.

Issa is credited with the successful prosecutions in Salem before turning his attention to a long line of heretical astronomers as well as some of those "fucking Quakers."

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Total (Over) Lording Deniers
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

The evidence is conclusive. All of today’s best minds have reached a consensus that the current administration is demonstrating totalitarian tendencies that clearly violate its constitutional limitations. If these totalitarian tendencies are not addressed, we are in jeopardy of experiencing rising lies, increased tumultuous social storms, and global warring that threatens to destroy our republic. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

Iran Claims to Have Successfully Copied U.S. Drone
Iran Claims to Have Successfully Copied U.S. Drone, It comes in black too for Stealth Bomber Mode
It comes in black too for Stealth Bomber Mode
 
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Discord Summarizes Evolution of Benghazi Hearings
Discord Summarizes Evolution of Benghazi Hearings
 
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Declare War Not Bankruptcy
By Pete Christensen
Pete Christensen

Since America’s inception, bankers, businessmen, and other criminals have preyed upon the middle class as well as the uninformed, while lining their already bulging pockets. I don’t advise anyone to climb into the same sewer these scumbags inhabit—no, I’m not talking about Discord headquarters—but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be educated enough to fight back. Don’t declare bankruptcy before reading this post!

Dear Fox News: Your Obamacare Lies Are Working!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So the alternate reality on the right is poised to win a huge victory in the midterms. All the battleground states for the senate race happen to be in those few areas where Obamacare isn’t working. Sooooo, break systems, cost lives, create your own reality and get rewarded! ...not so fast. Let’s not forget the GOP is tearing itself apart. It hasn’t had a common message that made sense since Just Say No...wait, I’m being told that didn’t make sense.

Before Duty Secret Service Agents Must Blow Into TelePrompter
Before Duty Secret Service Agents Must Blow into TelePrompter

Washington—President Obama’s teleprompter has now been fitted with a Breathalyzer to assure each Secret Service agent’s blood alcohol level remains at or below that of Vice President Joe Biden’s. This new policy is the latest attempt by The White House to accomplish something before the midterms.

President Obama told reporters today, "I understand that boozing it up comes with the territory. I understand how, while on surveillance, it’s human nature to periodically vomit from the roof of the White House, and from time to time I myself have had to shake off the urge to urinate on FDR’s piano, but I will not allow this important function, which involves the safety of myself and my family, to devolve into a situation like...what was that name of that embassy in Libya that burned down?"

Republicans are looking to outsource the duty of protecting the president to either paroled white supremacists or known terror suspects, a move the President is calling "reckless and irresponsible."

Obama later admitted he didn’t really listen to the republican’s proposal. "I just respond with some synonym of thoughtless. It’s worked out well so far."

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Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to Al-Qcattle and Heffbollah
Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to al-Qcattle and Heffbollah, Netanyahu denying Israeli counterpart, Moossad
Netanyahu denying Israeli counterpart, Moossad
 
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Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him
Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him, You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
 
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While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi
While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi, And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
 
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Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016
Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016, Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
 
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GOP Frontrunner to Begin Tour With Eastwood’s Chair
GOP Frontrunner to Begin Tour with Eastwood’s Chair

Newport, KY—The GOP is still reeling from the House Majority leader’s recent condemnation of his party’s own think tanks. Republican frontrunner, Rand Paul, is now in damage control. With The GOP fast becoming the anti-intellectual party, Paul felt the need to round an important metaphorical corner. So his campaign resolved to tour with the chair that appeared next to Clint Eastwood during the 2008 Republican Primaries.

Rand Paul claims the decision to tour with the inanimate object was a "surprisingly easy one". Paul told reporters today, "What was everyone talking about after those primaries? That chair. More than anything else, folks were talking about that chair. That chair crossed political lines and captured the hearts and minds of America. More than science, more than math, more than data, we need a symbol in this country, and I believe that chair could be our next Liberty Bell, only in chair form."

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Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
 
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Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
 
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No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote That Fell Between the Cushions
No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote that Fell Between the Cushions, Sadly, the 18 Minutes of Watergate Footage recovered is too soggy to restore
Sadly, the 18 minutes of Watergate footage recovered is too soggy to restore
 
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At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds
At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds, Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
 
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Benghazi Hearings Cost More Than the Entire Secret Service's Bar Bill in 2013
Benghazi Hearings Cost More than the Entire Secret Service's Bar Bill in 2013, If we dump fiscal conservatism entirely, how much will it save us?
If we dump fiscal conservatism entirely, how much will it save us?
 
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Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was "fact-light". I know, I know...you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

Committee Calls "Mulligan" on 2014 Winter Olympics
Committee Calls "Mulligan" on 2014 Winter Olympics

Lausanna, Switzerland—After the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, The International Olympic Committee is asking everyone to return their medals as they are nullifying the results of the event. The committee hopes to still be able get in the real Olympics before the spring and they are eyeing Mt. Everest and other spots in the Himalayan Mountains as the altitude will "buy us some more time for set up before spring."

Vladimir Putin has already issued the statement that Russia will not be returning any of its medals and is threatening to shift his country’s military focus to the Russian Switzerland border.

When reminded that there is no Russia Switzerland border, Putin just smiled (an evil sinister-like smile).

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Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme Takes Net by Storm
Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme takes Net by Storm, Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
 
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A Despondent Obama Last Seen Wandering Toward Columbia Heights
A Despondent Obama Last Seen Wandering Toward Columbia Heights

Washington—Our 44th President is missing and presumed sad at this hour after his approval rating slipped below 40%. Mr. Obama encouraged the secret service to "take the night off and go get some hookers" before he slipped off the White House grounds unattended. Many fear an ego the size of Obama’s will not tolerate such a dip in popularity and that he is likely having an approval breakdown.

"I’m glad he took his teleprompter, but it’s not connected to anything," said Michelle Obama. "Without a stream of words projected in front of his face he sounds a lot like Sarah Palin on cough syrup, underwater. Although, come to think of it, this may actually help his approval ratings among republicans."

If Mr. Obama is spotted The White House recommends calling 911. Do not approach the president as he is considered to be toxic to many Democrats running in the midterms and under no circumstances say the words Benghazi or healthcare.gov in his presence.

His closest advisors are all hoping he is just blowing off some steam, like last week when he egged the Chic-fil-A over on Michigan Ave.

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Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

CPAC Run!
By Mick Zano
CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord's prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

I Didn’t Leave the Discord, the Discord Left Me: Oh, and I Didn’t Have Email
By Pokey McDooris

As it turns out email is more than a passing fad. Anyway, so I step away from this project for a moment and everything turns to hell. Speaking of hell, I called up Pope Francis and he assured me that hell does indeed exist; it's a real place, and it's very painful—even more painful than reading The Daily Discord.

Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century
Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century
 
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Benghazi Isn’t a Scandal, It’s a Cry for Help
Study: GOP Spends 60% of Time Thinking About Benghazi, Still Don’t Get It, A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
 
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Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up
Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up

Ft. Worth, TX—To the shock of many, a one-mile long train carrying crude oil from Canada to an oil refinery in Texas arrived safely yesterday. The train made the trip from Alberta Canada to Ft. Worth Texas yesterday "without incident".

The conductor, Jones Casey, said, "I was as surprised as anyone when we pulled into the station. There are several turns that I always just kind of hold my breath. But, wouldn’t you know it, the shit stayed right on the tracks this time, the whole way."

Head of the Association of American Railroads, Gomez Adams, said, "We are entering a transformative time for the railroad industry. Hell, when I use to crash trains, unless it was over a bridge or something, it was pretty dull but now I can see the resulting fireball plume from my house."

BNSF...it’s the new BWTF?

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Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values
Ticket Emerges that Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Washington, DC—Earlier today C. Montgomery Burns announced his intention to buy the republican nomination for president in 2016. Not only is the 4th richest man in the world in, but he has already picked a vice presidential running mate, Ebenezer Scrooge. When asked if he was getting a little ahead of himself, Burns said, "Nonsense, the only head of myself is a Buick-sized 14k gold replica hanging in the foyer."

Mr. Burns told reporters, "With the passing of Citizens United primaries are a formality. We currently have a Super PAC that could fund the Death Star, with enough left over for a sporty little Death Moon. Write that down, Smithers! Death Moon. Besides, who else do they have? I haven’t seen a field this empty since last week, when I released the hounds."

If you were to place the skeletons in Mr. Burns’ closet, end to end, some estimate they would encircle the Earth as many as three times, much lower than many of the other republican hopefuls.

Hillary Clinton added, "It’ll be nice to finally run against someone with more baggage than I have."

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Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 
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During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times
During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times, Oh...wait...I was watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Oh...wait...I was watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
 
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Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case
Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case, But why not pyramid shape?
But why not pyramid shape?
 
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Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!"
Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!" Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
 
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Koch Industries Acquires Umbrella Corporation and Skynet
Koch Industries Acquires Umbrella Corporation and Skynet

Wichita, KS—Koch Industries is downplaying the hostile takeovers of two major organizations. The deal to purchase Skynet, known for its ill-fated Terminator program, became a reality last week and the merger with Umbrella Corporation, known for the deadly t-Virus outbreak of 1998 and 2002, was only finalized yesterday.

Spokesperson, Cly "Mitt" Friendly, said, "Koch Industries is eager to take genetic engineering, cyborg technologies, and biological weapons to a whole new level. What could possibly go wrong?" Mr. Friendly told reporters that one of the Koch’s top priorities is to keep Skynet safe from "that meddling Connor family!"

"We plan to resume many of the important projects abandoned by the Umbrella Corporation," said Mr. Friendly, "...er, after we mop up all the unpleasantness from Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)."

CEO of Koch Industries, Charles Koch, added, "A wise fictional man from those Robocop movies once said, ‘Good business is where you find it.’ And sometime we find business in clandestine laboratories under paramilitary-style security many levels below the Earth. Besides, we already have Fox News explaining how we contained the infection."

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To Close Nuclear Deal 2-Million Iranians Must Sign up for Obamacare
To Close Nuclear Deal 2-Million Iranians Must Sign up For Obamacare

Tehran, IR—Barack Obama may well be playing softball with Iranian nukes, but he minced no words as negotiations came to a close yesterday. Iran must sign up a minimum of two million of their citizens for the Affordable Care Act or face crushing sanctions.

"This is win win," said Obama. "Iranians can be assured, not only of insurance, but of a minimum standard for healthcare. The ACA-Iran will also bring me much closer to my goal of six million enrollees by March 31st."

Republicans are enraged. Many on the right feel mandatory signups for foreigners is unconstitutional. "Iran is not America," said Ted Cruz (R-TX). "I just Google mapped it. Hell, it’s not even part of our constellation."

Texas Governor Rick Perry also voiced his concerns, "There’s three reasons this is not okay. It’s not, as Mr. Cruz said, even part our constellation. Second, Benghazi and three...."

Mr. Perry is going to get back to us.

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IRS: Incessant Republican Scandals
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter...as "fairy" dust is generally frowned upon.

Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines
Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines. Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
 
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Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should Not Be AZ’s Governor
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should not be AZ’s Governor

1. He’s Half Past Dead (2002), or is that our senior Senator?

2. He’s Chosen the Path Beyond Thought (2001). See anything on Fox News.

3. He’s got a Fire Down Below (1997)...which could be syphilis.

See All 10...
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Fast & Furious Weapons Found in Benghazi
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m going there again. Why not? At this point I’m eligible for some frequent blogger miles. We keep learning more and more about Benghazi, well, at least we learn more about the relative mental health of one faction of our society, or the World According to GOP.

Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!!
Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!! No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
 
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Is Dumb Breaking up With Dumber?
Is Dumb Breaking Up with Dumber? I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
 
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NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion Since Newtown
NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion since Newtown

The Heartland—In those predominately red states, where teachers are now packing heat, schools are finding "significant increases in the handing in of homework assignments." While bullying and other behavioral issues remain at an all-time low, better grades and participation keep rising.

Mr. Hiatt of Springfield Middle School said, "No one sleeps in my class, ever. It’s awesome. The threat of being shot in the face is really having a positive impact on overall testing performance as well."

Thirty seven percent more students are needing behavioral health and mental health support, but the NRA is calling this increase "regrettable but acceptable."

"We want firearms to simply be a deterrent," said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. "We are not looking to have kids shot by their teachers for not doing their algebra [creepy laughter], especially when nine times out of ten a warning shot will suffice. And nine out of ten is 90%. I know that because my teacher cold cocked my ass when I was learning percentages."

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Jong-Un Named As Mandela's Successor
Jong-Un Named as Mandela's Successor. In related news South Africa has stopped all the singing
In related news South Africa has stopped all the singing
 
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Sardines Complain of Cramped Packing Conditions
Sardines Complain of Cramped Packing Conditions

Bangor, MN—Sardines, a small fish in the herring family, are on the warpath—and by warpath we mean lined up in tightly regimented rows of obstructionism. Many of these scaly dissidents are protesting what they are calling inhumane conditions inside their tins.

One sardine said, "We’re packed in here like, like....um, like...uhhhhhh. I got nothin’."

"I can’t even move my flippin’ fins," said a second fish. "And I don’t think the guy next to me was properly eviscerated before he was canned, if you know what I mean."

Critics are bristling. "This is another example of an entitled society under Democratic leadership," said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. "I’ll bet Obama is going to hand them a pile of food stamps and let them all live in tin cans the size of the International Space Station. I’ll tell you who’s going to take it in the can on this one, the American tax payer, that’s who!"

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Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive From Japan for the Holidays
Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive from Japan for the Holidays, Well, it's better than what China got us.
Well, it's better than what China got us.
 
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The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Dictatorial Sitcoms of All Time

1. Despot Housewives

2. It’s Always Sunny in Damascus

3. Arrested Dismemberment

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Is Real News Becoming a Distraction From Benghazi?
Is Real News Becoming a Distraction from Benghazi?
 
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Palin Chugs Bucket of Hydrogenated Oil for 'Free the Trans Fats' Protest
Palin Chugs Bucket of Hydrogenated Oil for 'Free the Trans Fats' Protest

Wasilla, AK—To protest the FDA’s decision to ban trans-fatty acids, Sarah Palin arranged a defiant demonstration. To the horror of onlookers she proceeded to chug a bucket of partially hydrogenated oil. More determined than ever not to be labeled a quitter, the former Governor of Alaska finished the bucket within minutes and then joked about having a second bucket for dessert.

"I admit I didn’t know a lot about this topic until recently," said Palin, burping. "I always thought Trans Fats were those chubby men who dress like women. But now that I took the time to thoroughly understand this issue, I believe this is another attack on our freedoms. Americans should be able to decide for themselves what they should and should not eat, and if I like to slurp on a nice warm bucket of partially hydroconstipated oil then so be it."

Palin burped again before projectile vomiting all over those in attendance. "And that’s not just throw-up, folks," she said, before wiping her chin. "That’s the sweet chunks of artery clogging freedom, you betcha that is!"

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Obama Loses Insurance Due to Obamacare
Obama Loses Insurance Due to Obamacare

Washington, DC—No one was more surprised than President Obama when a letter arrived at the White House stating he could no longer stay covered under his existing insurance policy. The administration is currently scrambling to use the Healthcare.gov website to find the Obama’s suitable coverage.

The President minced no words, "I want to say for the record that if I was eligible for Obamacare my children could have stayed on my policy until they were 27, which is clearly an advantage for those 11-people who qualify."

Obama admits he spent "endless MFing hours" logged onto Healthcare.gov trying to sign up for a comparable plan, but he is confident he and his family will be enrolled by the January 1st deadline. Obama emphasized to his Secret Service staff the importance of keeping the Obama’s safe during this uncertain period and he may be forced to cancel his next 47 vacations overseas. He recommends average Americans having trouble enrolling do likewise.

The President is denying allegations he is considering the authorization of drone strikes against certain Healthcare.gov servers as well as the District of Columbia’s state exchange itself. "Preposterous," said Obama. "I am hoping the threat alone will suffice."

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Obama Offers Free Pizza With Every Healthcare Enrollment
Obama Offers Free Pizza with every Healthcare Enrollment

Washington, DC—In conjunction with the Pizza Palace, President Obama is offering a free pizza with every successful Obamacare enrollment. In light of recent cuts to the food stamp program, many in and around the beltway are calling this a brilliant move.

"The same people who had their food stamps reduced last month could really use some free pizza about now," said President Obama. "Their pain is our gain. If you enroll on the healthcare.gov website and your pizza doesn’t arrive within 30-minutes, your first year of healthcare is absolutely free!"

Republicans are already crying foul and pointing out a list of broken delivery promises.

The President countered, "Some may qualify for a free 2-liter bottle of soda with your healthcare package, but I’m not giving out west wing wild wings, or stuffed catastrophic crust plans, or free death panel deep dish pizzas. Republicans are just making shit up again. But, if you call in the next hour, you can get some crazy behavioral health bread coverage at no additional charge."

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Drone Strike Operator’s "Must Target In-laws" Manifesto Ignored
Drone Strike Operator’s "Must Target In-laws" Manifesto Ignored

Canton, OH—When a drone ended up over 1,700 miles off course and in the laps of Fred and Margret Montaigne, the Pentagon called it a "major malfunction." New facts have emerged that the exploded couple were the in-laws of the same drone operator, Major Gary Horowitz.

"I don’t think that’s a coincidence," said the Discord’s field reporter, Cokie McGrath. "A coincidence is when Bone and Zano get thrown out of the same bar, the same night, for different reasons. This is suspicious."

Army psychiatrist Dr. Sterling Hogbein admits Horowitz’s behaviors during the days and weeks preceding the incident were odd. "He would scribble Must Drone In-Laws Nicholson-Shining-style for hours on end," said Dr. Hogbein. "And each time I’d show him an inkblot, he’d say, ‘It looks like a drone targeting my in-laws. I am a drone operator, you know. This is a cry for help.’ Anyway, I don’t know how anyone could expect me to connect those dots."

When pressed further, Dr. Hogbein became defensive, "Look, no one could have seen this coming, except maybe the Montaigne’s, of course, from about mile out."

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Breaking News Into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
Breaking News Into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
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Hundreds of Planes Fall From Sky As FAA Allows Electronic Devices
Hundreds of Planes Fall From Sky as FAA Allows Electronic Devices

The Ground—Hundreds of planes fell from the sky yesterday shortly after the announcement from the FAA that all passengers could safely turn on their electronic devices inflight. Several planes actually crashed into Obamacare which many are calling suspicious.

"It’s bittersweet," said one FAA manager, Harry Bostwick. "It’s sad to see all those people die, horribly, but it’s nice to know we were right all those years to have people shut off their damned iShit."

The FAA claims it was under a lot of pressure "from that guy in 4C" to lift the ban on inflight electronic devices. "Eventually we were like, okay whatever, anything to shut that guy up," said Bostwick. "On a good note that guy died, horribly, when his plane crashed into Obamacare."

The FAA admits part of their reluctance to lift the ban involved a fear of losing inflight movie revenue. "It was never about safety," said Bostwick. "It’s always been about that extra two bucks per passenger for Hangover 2."

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Obamakazi: Is the ACA a Suicide Mission?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I am not all that concerned about Obamacare’s impact on other insurance companies—who suck, by the way—or of rampant socialism, or death panels, or Fox’s next paranoid-based theme of the week (FNPBTW). It’s those unintended consequences that concern me. Obama’s failure could well fan the flames of a dying political party. So to help, this site is now a portal for the ACA. Please click below to enroll at...Shit! We crashed!

Ted Cruz's Top 10 Role Models

1. That guy who flew his plane into IRS headquarters.

2. That woman who drove her car into the White House barrier.

3. That guy who voted for The Surge in Iran (he meant Iraq, God love him).

See All 10...
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Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support
Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support

Washington, DC—The White House is back-peddling after news broke that the official Affordable Care Act website does not come with Geek Squad protection. It looks like the taxpayers may now be responsible for the extra tech-support. This latest blow to the ACA’s rollout is already being considered a "major oversight" by Washington insiders.

Speaker John Boehner is furious. "Americans are now being asked to shoulder thousands of extra dollars, per hour, just to keep this job-killing-atrocity limping along." Boehner wanted desperately to add the associated lousy acronym joke (ALAJ) but could not figure it out.

"We did miss the thirty day window to add tech-support cheaply to the ACA," admitted Obama, "but the patriotic members of Geek Squad have already agreed to work for the AAA rate, which could save the American taxpayer untold gazillions. Now that we paid more, just think of the extra Reward Zone points each American is eligible for over at Best Buy."

"It’s untold because Obama won’t tell us!" said Boehner. "God forbid our AAA status gets downgraded to AA, we will have to attend those meetings every night without any guarantee of drinkable coffee."

AM radio Republicans are calling this the worst thing to happen to America since the day The Pentagon forgot to update its antivirus protection.

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On Eve of Nation's Destruction GOP Makes Final Demands
On Eve of Nation's Destruction GOP Makes Final Demands, "We want a pony with white spots! We said WHITE spots!!!" — John Q. Republican
"We want a pony with white spots! We said WHITE spots!!!" — John Q. Republican
 
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Umm, We Don’t Do Rebuttals Anymore, Crank
By The Crank
The Crank

Zano, Zano, Zano....I have attempted to avoid your political posts and your political views as they suffer from what one might call, Major Bullshit Disorder recurrent. See, I have a DSM-V too. But, really, Mikko why doth thee blog? Why? There’s so much more productive things you could be doing with your time, like American Idol marathons.

The Daily Discord Presents
Daily Discord Presents, Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time save the world?!
Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time to save the world?!
 
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Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction
Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction, God, I hope it's republicans.
God, I hope it's republicans.
 
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Remember When the GOP Just Sucked While in Office?
Remember When The GOP Just Sucked while in Office?
 
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And Now for the GOP's Next Trick
And Now for The GOP's Next Trick, You should their foreign policy repertoire
You should see their foreign policy repertoire
 
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Mr. Burnses of the World Unite Against Obamacare
Mr. Burnses of the World Unite Against Obamacare
"Next they'll want an honest day's work for an honesty day's pay."
 
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Black Parliament Member’s Dinner With Merkel Bombs
Black Parliament Member’s Dinner with Merkel Bombs, “You’re making a German spectacle of yourself.”
“You’re making a German spectacle of yourself.”
 
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Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment
Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment, Death Star downgraded to planetoid
Death Star downgraded to planetoid
 
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25 Conservatives: 37 Psych Diagnoses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why is the GOP doomed, you ask? I came across this list of the 25 most influential conservatives of 2013. At any given moment, nine out of ten of these folks qualify for my state’s involuntary psychiatric commitment process. But, on a good note, the Affordable Care Act should help cover their inpatient stays.

Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control
Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control

Denver, CO—God and the NRA are of a single voice, attempt gun control measures and face serious consequences. After two Democratic senators attempted such legislation in the Rocky Mountain state, Republicans successfully recalled them as God mustered a taste of his 40 days and 40 nights routine. The NRA rallied Colorado Republicans to recall the two Democratic senators who supported gun control and God sent a message of his own in the form of water, rocks and mud.

"I coordinated with the NRA on this one," said God. "I thought about smiting shit right away, but LaPierre over at the NRA said ‘hey, let’s wait and do this thing right.’ Not many people realize I almost added the commandment: Thou shalt not impede thy neighbor’s right to shoot shit. But, then I couldn’t think of another word for shit. Remember, I wrote this crap long before the advent of Thesaurus.com."

When asked if this was a test for an upcoming, more global, deluge God laughed, "No options are off the tablet. Look, I’m torn about ending humanity this time. I hate liberals, but I love reality television and Netflix so it’s a tough call."

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You Don’t Know Why It’s Bush’s Fault? Syriaously?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Nothing registering? The famous Foxeteer flat line?  Let me splain’. Last week England, our staunchest ally, said, "Piss off. We’re not helping." Know why they said that?  Still nothing?  Perhaps I should resort to finger puppets, or at least one finger.

Nation’s 1% Gather in Subterranean Bunker for "Holy Shit We’re All Going to Die!" Summit
Nation’s 1% Gather In Subterranean Bunker For "Holy Shit We’re All Going To Die!" Summit

Cheyenne, WY—The nation’s affluent are calling for calm today as elevators whisked the country’s disgustingly rich an estimated twelve kilometers beneath the Earth’s surface. The evacuation, which has taken place over the last 24-hours, has many of those left behind asking the question, "WTF?"

From an obviously green-screened version of the Rose Garden, President Obama assured the American people all is well. "NASA is simply conducting a test, kind of like that of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this were a real emergency, well, maybe you folks should participate too? The solar flare resulting from our sun’s gravitational shift, which scientists estimate will happen sometime tomorrow, poses no threat to life on this planet. Especially if you’re an insect or a strain of bacteria, umm, but you should probably, umm, be in a basement, or deep in a nearby cave—at least duck or something."

Barraged with questions from reporters, Obama later added, "Look, if there was any real danger do you think I would just leave my Vice President to fry? Uh...how about giving me some more time to think of something more convincing?"

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Extreme Politics: the Baghdad Bob Syndrome
By The Crank
The Crank

Now that the powers that be have determined that I no longer need employment, the few of you northwestcoasties that will actually read this will probably be hearing much more of me. Like it or not. And I honestly hope ‘not’, as that would make my time at the computer much more rewarding. Ninja porn reference omitted.

Voyager: Sends Back First Images From Beyond Solar System
Voyager: Sends Back First Images From Beyond Solar System, NASA: They raise more questions than they answer
NASA: They raise more questions than they answer
 
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Obama Leaks His Brief Syrian Intervention Plans
Obama Leaks His Brief Syrian Intervention Plans, Mr. Pickins was unavailable for comment
Mr. Pickins was unavailable for comment
 
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Discord News Is on the Air
Discord News Is On The Air
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Smothered in Chum Snorkling Adventures Closes Its Doors
Smothered In Chum Snorkling Adventures Closes Its Doors

Montauk, NY—The Snell Brother’s Marina extended their deepest sympathies to the Kendrick family after Doug and Melinda Kendrick were devoured by sharks in an area of the Long Island Sound known as Plum Gut. The Coast Guard and local authorities are closing the marina for what they are calling "flagrant violations of their boating and marina manual." The ill-fated honeymooners marked the 111th and 112th death since the marina opened last month.

The Marina’s manager, Aaron Snell, told the Discord, "We thought if we smeared our customers in snapper heads and entrails, they would get to really appreciate some of the larger, majestic sea life in this region." Mr. Snell later added, "Incidentally, we weren’t wrong."

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Fox News Mini-Series: Our Shrinking Deficit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Okay, maybe not. The right is ignoring the fact our deficit has reached pre-collapse levels. Actually there’s two important numbers, the deficit as compared to GDP and our overall debt. The first you won’t hear mentioned on Fox News and the second you won’t hear mentioned on MSNBC. But if current projections hold true, what will Fox News focus on then? Hint: it rhymes with Hi-Dumb-Deployment.

Obama on Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals
Obama On Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals

Washington, DC—To deal with the ongoing sequester cuts to the Defense Department, Barack Obama suggested they downgrade their main headquarters to a quadrilateral, something in the rhombus family.

President Obama told Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, "It doesn’t have to be a square. Some of the quadrilateral shapes are quite intriguing.  Besides, you would never even notice unless you were flying over the Pentagon and who does that? It’s a permanent no fly zone. And you can keep calling it the Pentagon, who understands geometry anymore?"

Hagel suggested the President stop growing medical marijuana in the Rose Garden and "get real".

An angered Obama replied, "Name one time when we needed all five walls of the Pentagon, Chuck?! I looked through all the history books and I couldn’t find one time. Hell, we could have done the downgrade right after 9/11 and saved tons on reconstruction costs. Would you rather I say pick a branch of the military to close? In that case, my vote would be the Old Navy. Those commercials, yikes."

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Say It With Me Republicans: Re-Trac-Tion
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The IRS "scandal" lives. Sorry, I seem to get totally sucked in every time I approach the GOP’s non-event horizon (a Barack hole?). This time I demand a retraction! Dear Fox Newsers, no one ever "refutiated" the IRS’s targeting of the Tea Party, aka, you’re new evidence is not new. But the other findings from the IRS investigation are relevant. Our next term is confirmation bias.

Putin: “I’m Only Gay With the Clergy”
Putin: “I’m only gay with the clergy.” Deluise: “Sure, and I’m da Pope.”
Deluise: “Sure, and I’ma da Pope.”
 
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Vlad the Unfriender
Vlad The Unfriender

Moscow, RU—Only minutes after the White House announced they would not be attending September’s scheduled mini-summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin unfriended Barack Obama on Facebook. Only hours before the social site snub, Putin posted, "Some people act like my friends, but they’re really not my friends. You’ll know what I mean soon!"

The White House did not officially comment on the unfriending or Putin’s decision to change his profile picture to a pair of mocking ass cheeks, but, hours after Putin’s actions, Obama tweeted, "Someone, who we will call Glad-I’m-queer Poopin, thinks I care if we’re friends or not on Facebook! ROTFLMAO!!!!"

Many feel these two world leaders are simply blowing off some much needed steam, but others fear these social site shenanigans could escalate.

"Sure Putin and Obama have unfriended one another," said the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "but neither have yet to permanently block the other. Such an act could trigger a virtual cold war that may even shatter their LinkedIn partnership, which has implications for both of their future employment opportunities. Let’s pray these two at least keep sexting in private."

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GOP Moving More Conservative? Whaah?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Moving further right? And here I thought some of the Foxeteers were starting to Google words like insight and reality. Oh wait, that could get you on the terrorist watch list. The good news is this: a shift to an even more radical conservatism means they will never hold power again. In that case, proceed Governor.

Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds
Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds

North Pole—As the North Pole turns into a giant frigid pool of water, Santa Claus is furious with the White House for ignoring his ongoing plight. Santa told reporters today, "The Land of Misfit Toys is underwater and it’s high tide over at my main workshop. Obama bails out everybody except the guy who brought him a train set for this 11th birthday. What a douche. F the polar bears, I’ve got elves up to their eyeballs over here...which, granted, doesn’t take much."

Santa Claus is threatening to suspend all Yule time activities until Obama agrees to unilateral talks with Kringle Inc. The soggy old elf is also threatening to do a spot on Fox News. "This is all part of the liberals’ War on Christmas and, what makes matters worse, my workshop was never insurable in the first place because it was built on an ice floe. I know a bunch of insurance company personnel who are getting coal in their stockings this year. Clean coal, of course, I don’t want to lose more ice."

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Remains of Last Republican Politician Who Made Sense Discovered
Remains Of Last Republican Politician Who Made Sense Discovered. Kidding. He was clueless too.
Kidding. He was clueless too.
 
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Cruz Dismisses Talk of 2016 Presidential Run
Cruz Dismisses Talk Of 2016 Presidential Run, "Sorry, I have a lot more F-d up things to do in the Senate first."
"Sorry, I have a lot more F-d up things to do in the Senate first."
 
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Should We Clone Moderate Republican DNA?
Mick Zano

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

#1 Putin Critic Freed
#1 Putin Critic Freed...and he's been given a generous head start
...and he's been given a generous head start
 
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I Hope Michele Bachmann Retires in AZ!
I Hope Michele Bachmann Retires In AZ! Then we’ll be like the band BTO: Bachmann, Brewer, Over Palin (we just have to work on the acronym)
Then we’ll be like the band BTO: Bachmann, Brewer, Over Palin (we just have to work on the acronym)
 
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Cuban-Whistle Crisis: Was Snowden on Plane to Cuba?
Cuban-Whistle Crisis: Was Snowden On Plane To Cuba? "It better be an airport with an F-ing Starbucks!" —Ed Snowden
"It better be an airport with an F-ing Starbucks!" —Ed Snowden
 
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PolitiFact Stock Tanks on News of Bachmann's Retirement
PolitiFact Stock Tanks on News of Bachmann's Retirement
 
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Palin Family Celebrates 4th Reenacting Native Americans First Arrival at Ellis Island
Palin Family Celebrates 4th Reenacting Native Americans First Arrival at Ellis Island
 
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Lame Stream Media Ignoring Debunked Obama Scandals
Lame Stream Media Ignoring Debunked Obama Scandals

Washington, DC— The cover-up conspiracy continues as the IRS scandal evaporates into thin airtime. Granted, a link has yet to be established between the White House and the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, but who knew the IRS could be such assholes to people? That’s certainly news, or at least news-ish. A group of people who declare war on taxes remain surprised by the subsequent increase in attention and audits. Shocking!

"And what about Benghazi?" said John Q. Republican. "I haven’t heard it mentioned in weeks, despite the fact the State Department botched the lead up to the event, by ignoring imaginary warnings, then spun the next day message through fancy verbiage, and then lacked the magical hindsight to go back in time and save those people. I never thought I would say this, but Bill Maher is right, why didn’t we deploy Iron Man?"

Conservative groups remain livid that liberals don’t even consider Benghazi a scandal, despite the fact people died, in Libya, which almost never happens...er, except in every corner of the country almost constantly.

President Obama added, "And I want to apologize to the American people. Let me be clear, I had no business using legally legislated tools to combat the War on Terror. It’s inexcusable to spy on Americans after we all approved this shit years ago.  From this point forward, I will continue to read all of your emails but vow that I will no longer comprehend them. Not only is this more constitutional, it should be a nice segue to a Republican president."

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Snowden Killed By Meteorite
Snowden Killed By Meteorite

Moscow, RUS—The official story from the White House is that a six inch meteorite broke through the atmosphere and landed on the head of Edward Snowden at an estimated 30,000 mph. The security personnel transporting him were luckily uninjured as shortly before the strike, they all needed to go to the bathroom.

Critics of the administration are crying foul, believing this was a deliberate drone strike ordered by the White House. President Obama told critics, "People are killed by space debris all the time. Why I myself was almost struck by a piece of Skylab while I was growing up in Kenya. The trick is to know when to duck and Mr. Snowden apparently didn’t."

The White House has warned the general populace that targeted meteor strikes are likely to increase in the future due to the effects of both global warming and Republican obstructionism.

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Freedumb
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Only three days after my post entitled Scandal Quest, wherein I discussed the only significant White House scandal, President Obama caved faster than a Bourne Ultimatum Jenga match. Sorry to drone on about this, but do you know why Obama is addressing my concerns? (Hint: they’re real.) Do you know why he’s not addressing the GOP’s concerns? (Hint: they’re not.)

Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels
Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels

Dem-mess-cuss, Syria—President Barack Obama is pleased to announce the organizers of his infamous Mexican gun-running program are slated to replace his Syrian Humanitarian Initiative Team. He now plans to directly arm the Syrian rebels and will support them as part of operation: How Assholes Pushed the President to Effin’ Nuke Syria.

Effectively immediately, Operation S.H.I.T. will be replaced by Operation H.A.P.P.E.N.S. The U.S. military will play a more direct military role: "Which has worked out so well in the past," explained Obama. "When we start arming the Syrian rebels, I am confident these weapons will not fall into the wrong hands....um, or at least our agents on the Mexican border won’t be effected."

Many on team Obama feel the decision to choose sides in a thousand year old Muslim religious conflict sounds like "great fun" and Vice President Joe Biden added, "What could possibly go wrong?"

Many are concerned this action will tank our still fragile economic recovery. President Obama told critics, "Look, I know this is a dumb idea, but domestic and international pressure demands I do something stupid.  If you want our foreign policy to start making sense, start deporting neocons. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a muzzle on Bill Clinton once in a while."

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Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends
Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends

Hong Kong—In an unprecedented twist to an already difficult situation, former CIA employee and whistleblower, Edward Snowden, is releasing all of his personal emails to-and-from several former girlfriends.

"I am not a hero," claimed Snowden. "I just hate some of those skanks. People need to know the shit I had to put up with. I think some of them actually enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others...the bitches."

John Q. Republican added, "Look, if this was during a republican administration the release of government secrets would be treason, but a man uncovering shit we made possible while a Democrat is in the Oval Office? ...hell, that’s heroism. I want to make that clear. We spent a lot of time constructing this double standard, which we hope will one day traverse the entire southern border of our country, you know, to keep out the spics and the wetbacks."

The Daily Discord supports Snowden’s efforts and bumper stickers are now available on our website, such as Snowden Will ShowDem! and Hong Kong Stoolie! Available for only $19.95 plus shipping. Remember, you’re not a real American if you don’t purchase one today. Void where prohibited, but watch those public indecency laws.

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GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal
GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is in a critical political condition today as doctors are concerned the group strained something while linking Obama to the IRS scandal. This, in the wake of their recent Honduran scandal-factory collapse, has all but ended the party’s hopes for an impeachment summer.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said, "The IRS scandal is real, which means if a plausible bridge can be constructed between the IRS and the Obama Administration, we would have enough blood flow to our penises that an ER visit may become necessary for some. Look, we have a lot of pseudo scandals that no one really understands. Getting louder and being repetitive is helpful for our batshit base but, let’s face it, the only other real scandal—that NSA/AP stuff—well, crap, we made that stuff legal long ago. So if we can’t pin the IRS scandal on the donkey, it’s going to be back to the Glenn Beck drawing board for the lot of us. And, frankly, I’m done sniffing the Sharpies for this party. Sure it helps generate a scandal but the associated rebound headaches suck."

Glenn Beck was unavailable for huffing.

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Michelle Obama’s Heckler Added To Terrorist Watch…
Michelle Obama’s Heckler Added To Terrorist Watch…Never mind; drone strike successful
Never mind; drone strike successful
 
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If I Had a More Powerful Telescope, Amy...
If I Had a More Powerful Telescope, Amy...We could see all the way to the GOP base
We could see all the way to the GOP base
 
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George W. Bush Climbs Rubble in Bangladesh
George W. Bush Climbs Rubble in Bangladesh

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.  

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, "I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!"

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere...well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!

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Obama Linked to Irish Potato Famine of 1845
Obama Linked to Irish Potato Famine of 1845, "We are not ruling out Obama's role in the blight of 1690" — Mitch McConnell
"We are not ruling out Obama's role in the blight of 1690" — Mitch McConnell
 
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Obama Smacks Baby, Drops Pants, and Screams Allahu Akbar!
Obama Smacks Baby, Drops Pants, and Screams Allahu Akbar!

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama delivered a speech today republicans are calling a brand of Nixonian Marxism not seen since Jimmy Carter—which, granted, doesn’t make any sense. Obama swaggered up to the teleprompter with a martini in one hand and the Communist Manifesto in the other and sung the Canadian national anthem in Kenyan. That’s not what disturbed people; he wasn’t wearing any pants.

"For four years I’ve read about my imaginary scandals," slurred Obama. "I read headline after MFing Drudge headline about atrocities I never got around to committing. I was well behaved, bitches! Since I’m not running again, shits about to get real. From here on out I’m going to wiretap shit, drone strike shit, and even drone strike shit while I’m wiretapping shit. Remember, this was all made possible by patriotic people such as yourselves."

Obama laughed, "Oh, and It was my idea to have the IRS target Tea Baggers. They’re kind of douchey, so it seemed fitting. And as for Benghazi, yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies...glitter and MFing bunnies, people!" The President then threw up a little bit.

"Okay, I admit they don’t really like us much. But they have their reasons. I am the President of the United States after all, so I personally have to bang most countries economically up the ass every morning before breakfast. It’s on my agenda. As it turns out, they don’t always like that. Heh, heh. Your turn Americuh’. Ask not who you can screw for your country...oh, and I have a drea...I mean, a drone!"

The Obama Administration plans to start handing out KY Jelly with each tax form, which they feel will help "the process" in something they’re calling Operation Lubrinflation.

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Let's Combine Nationalism, Religion, and Propaganda!
Let's Combine Nationalism, Religion, and Propaganda! What could possibly go wrong?
What could possibly go wrong?
 
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“Why is the President afraid to use the word terrorist?” --Dennis Miller
“Why is the President afraid to use the word terrorist?” --Dennis Miller, Um, maybe he’s too busy killing them?
Um, maybe he’s too busy killing them?
 
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W Says Jeb is the Man for 2016
W Says Jeb is the Man for 2016, Because nepotism has worked out so well in the past
Because nepotism has worked out so well in the past
 
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A Victory for Gun Owners or for Gun Sellers?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

Conservative Legacies: Just Say No
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What are we to make of the likes of a Ronald Reagan or a Margaret Thatcher? We have trouble understanding what happened in yesterday’s news cycle, let alone decades ago. For instance Thatcher headed the Inquisition and started the Black Plague, while Reagan was most known for implementing alternate-street-parking here in the states, right?

Holder Reveals Plan to End 2nd Amendment
Holder Reveals Plan to End 2<sup>nd</sup> Amendment

Washington, DC—Attorney General, Eric Holder, admitted today how Obama plans to end 2nd Amendment rights in this country forever." He later clarified, "The 2nd Amendment is the one about guns, right?"

 Barack Obama is fast becoming furious with his Attorney General as he "wanted this to be a surprise."

Holder said, "New York’s Mayor Bloomberg already initiated Phase 1 of the operation by banning large soda drinks. During Phase 2 he will ban all chewing gum because, let’s face it, kids stick that shit in all kinds of places they shouldn’t."

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath interrupted him at this point to thank him for that last sentence, which she explained could easily be taken out of context with hilarious consequences.

"Phase III, which arbitrarily changes to roman numerals, expands these bans nationwide," continued Holder. "For phase IV, which we haven’t decided whether or not will stay in roman numerals yet, will make it illegal to own gum of any kind. Once Phase IV is in the books we are only one pre-mediated typo away from taking everyone’s gun.  They won’t know what hit them. We’re calling it Operation Smith and Wrigley."

When asked about our founding fathers’ vision, Holder said, "They didn’t have good vision. They had those shitty little wire glasses. How could they have foreseen where kids would be sticking their gum these days, let alone our Phase 4? Besides, Republicans can’t spell. This is going to be like taking candy from a Bubba."

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Republicans Look to Return to a Simpler Time
Republicans Look to Return to a Simpler Time. Don't worry, they say it can't be more than 6,000 years.
Don't worry, they say it can't be more than 6,000 years
 
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The Republican Scandal Identifier Kit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like...well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

GOP Reveals Vision For Upcoming Budget Negotiations
GOP Reveals Vision For Upcoming Budget Negotiations, Beats their "Deliverance" version
Beats their "Deliverance" version
 
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YES, I Realize the Media is Going Down the Shitter…
YES, I Realize the Media is Going Down the Shitter…but Fox has already reached the ocean
But Fox has already reached the ocean
 
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The Darker Corner of The TwiRight Zone
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

GOP Denies Collapse Of "Conservative Intelligentsia"
GOP Denies Collapse Of "Conservative Intelligentsia", "Hell, we don't even know what that means"
"Hell, we don't even know what that means"
 
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Zano Says It’s Time For Simpson-Bowls!
Zano Says It’s Time For Simpson-Bowls! And the "Free Eric Cartman Now" Committee
And the "Free Eric Cartman Now" Committee
 
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Furious Over Hack-usations, China Demands Obama’s Social Security Number
Furious Over Hack-usations, China Demands Obama’s Social Security Number

Washington, DC—After the White House pointed the finger at China after a rash of recent cyber-attacks, the Asian country nearly wet itself with rage. Upon changing, China’s President Xi Jinping immediately flew to our nation’s capital to confront our President.

President Jinping, initially very cordial, peppered President Obama with questions, "That is a lovely dog you have there. Is he your favorite? My mother’s maiden name was Chen, what was your mother’s maiden name?"

When they finally decided to meet in the Oval Office, Jinping said, "Those are beautiful flags by your desk. In elementary school I had to make a Chinese flag. Incidentally, where did graduate from elementary school?"

When the conversation turned to the recent wave of cyber-attacks plaguing some of our government agencies, Jinping said, "We would never attempt such a thing on our American allies. We are highly offended! But, if you scribble your birthdate and your social security number on this paper, we’ll give the whole thing a miss."

Obama later told the press he hasn’t been this angry since the Pentagon let their Norton subscription expire.

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Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist
Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist

Washington, DC—No Defense Secretary nomination has ever been filibustered in the history of our nation, yet today that seems a very real possibility for nominee Chuck Hagel. The former Republican Senator has disgusted both sides of the aisle with his subversive views on Israel and gays...and especially gay Israelis.

Hagel told the Discord today, "I really need this job. I’m old and it’s hard to get a job at my age. I don’t want to have to choose between my food and my medication, not when I could be killing and torturing people all over the world."

Hagel offended the gay community with one flamingly insensitive statement back in 1873.

"I just don’t want my fabulous ass drone-striked," said the Discord’s Chief LGBTQ Correspondent, Dave Atsals. "If I’m on anybody’s watch list, I want it to be because of my ability to accessorize."

Meanwhile, Hagel has lost Republican support for comments he made about the "Jewish lobby" and for his failure to recognize the genius that was the Iraq War.

After his nomination grew more highly contested by right and left, Chuck Hagel discussed the decision with his friends and family and decided to....well, it’s in the title. "I originally hoped to commit this act while handing over sensitive Benghazi documents, but my wife thought that would have been over the top," said Hagel.

Mick Zano had this to say, "Having watched the confirmation hearing, the fact Hagel had to answer a series of questions that have no rational connection to our nation’s defense was great fun! But, what’s going to happen when the last intelligent Republican is chased out of their tent? Oh, wait...never mind."

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Jindal on Republican Stupidity Crusade!
Jindal on Republican Stupidity Crusade! Proposes Operation GOP/GED
Proposes Operation GOP/GED
 
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Felonies Mar Stewart's Secretary of Interior Confirmation
Felonies Mar Stewart's Secretary of Interior Confirmation

Washington, DC—President Obama is standing by his decision to nominate Martha Stewart as Secretary of the Interior. Obama feels despite her criminal record, she would be "the perfect person for this sort of thing."

Republicans wasted no time condemning the choice at the confirmation hearing. "The President is making light of an important cabinet position. He’s flaunting his power again. He always does something totally ludicrous and then somehow we Republicans always end up looking stupid," said House Speaker John Boehner before falling down a flight of stairs and onto a cocktail sauce-filled waiter’s cart to the backdrop of canned laughter.

Other questions from Republican Senators ranged from, "Could a southwestern theme work in the Lincoln Bedroom?" to "what are you doing later?"

Republicans are also calling Obama’s nomination of the X-Men’s super-villain, Magneto, to head the Department of Energy "reckless" and "other synonyms for the word reckless."

Senator Lindsey Graham added, "If Obama wants to nominate super evil people for government posts, they had better at least have been Fox News Contributors at one time. For instance I hear Dick "Dick" Morris is free now."

Dick Morris was unavailable for bullshit.

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Information: Why We No Longer Get Any
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Here’s what makes me crazy! ...well, besides my diagnosis. During any given news cycle some source article or another somewhere on the web is immediately translated into something resembling political pink slime (PPS).  This new version of reality is then disseminated through Fox News, AM radio and any number of social sites for the purpose of perpetuating an easily dismissible false narrative. An example? How about: Godzilla Sighted Near Coastal City shows up on Twitter as Is Obama Weak on Radioactively Enlarged Reptiles?

I Have a Teleprompted Dream!
I Have a Teleprompted Dream!
 
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Inauguration Day's Star-Spangled Bummer
Inauguration Day's Star-Spangled Bummer

Washington, DC—Inauguration Ceremonies for our forty somethingth President was apropos for a once great nation in decline. For many the highlight was seeing deceased actor Leslie Neilson taking the stage with Christina Aguilera for the singing of our National Anthem. Neilson, still not entirely himself since his death in 2010, waved stiffly to the crowd before shouting, "And don't call me Shirley!" When the cheers finally abated the two preceded to butcher the Star-Spangled Banner.

"At one point I was singing the second verse and she was singing the third," said Neilson. "You can't plan for that sort of thing. You just feel it in your groin and you go with it. And then later, when your groin stops hurting, you just laugh your ass off until your groin starts hurting again."

When someone asked if Francis Scott Key was spinning somewhere in his grave, Nielson smiled and said, "I'll let you know."

Aguilera then took the mic and said, "I am so honored to be here on the same day when such a great black man was finally silenced."

A confused hush fell on the crowd after her statement—the hush was only broken when the jumbo screen finally zoomed over to Miss Teen USA 2007, who said, "The U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and stuff."

Then as Barack and Michelle Obama finally made their way to the podium, Kanye West fought his way through throngs of guests and secret service agents alike before saying, "Yo Obama, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but that Mormon guy had the best campaign ever! He should be President!"

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The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
By Mick Zano
The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
Mick Zano

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever...well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies
Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies

Moscow—In an attempt to appear even more ruthless, Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken it upon himself to end the lives of kittens and puppies all across Russia and beyond. Putin told the press today his decision to end America’s chances to adopt Russian children did not go far enough.

"I wanted to really show people and their pets who is boss," said Putin. "I am so sick of placating little children and little animals. In the KGB I used to get to torture people, on the clock so to speak. Assad gets to mow down his own people over in Syria and even the U.S. has enhanced interrogation techniques over in Guantanamo. What do I get? Bupkis. That’s a good Russian word stolen by the Jews! It means jack shit."

Putin spent the last several weeks going from town to town obliterating animal shelters with a Russian Black Eagle tank. The animals that were not killed by the collapsing buildings or the tank’s deadly treads were gunned down by mounted machine guns. "I hunted them down like dogs, literally," said Putin.

For phase III of Project: Putin’s Package Overdrive the Russian President plans to comb his country’s schools in the hopes of bullying children. "I would swipe their glasses off their noses, throw them to the ground, and step on them," said Putin. "Then I would knock the books out of their hands and stick their pocket protectors down their pants. And let me assure you, the KGB wedgie is the worst wedgie of all."

Putin is currently denying allegations the recent rash of "Old People Tipping" occurring throughout Russia is part of his diabolical scheme to appear manly.

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Joe Biden Wrestles Water Pistol From Child's Hand
Joe Biden Wrestles Water Pistol From Child's Hand, "The journey of a 1,000 weapons begins with that little shit who squirted me."
"The journey of a 1,000 weapons begins with that little shit who squirted me."
 
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Republicans Discovered on Galaxy NGC-922
Republicans Discovered on Galaxy NGC-922, It's the one waaaaay to the right
It's the one waaaaay to the right
 
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Denny’s CEO: No Hobbit Meat in Our Grand Slam Breakfast
Denny’s CEO: No Hobbit Meat in Our Grand Slam Breakfast

Spartansburg, SC—CEO of Denny’s, Miller Johnson, is denying allegations that hobbit meat has turned up in several of his restaurant’s menu items. Many fear the illegal use of hobbit meat in any food product has willfully been ignored by key administrators. A whistleblower, ironically a dwarf named Borinaxe Whistleblower, believes the Denny’s organization is using Hobbit meat to augment their already prominent vats of pink-slime-filled products.

Denny’s is on the defensive and their President is currently denying any and all such allegations. Mr. Johnson told the press to "shove it in their hobbit holes" when he was questioned about the main ingredient in his Shire Sausage skillet.

Johnson told the press today, "There is only one Denny’s in New Zealand that is under investigation at this time. You can’t hold me responsible for the wrongdoings of one of my stores! We have a shireload of them, though I have never actually counted. I have people for that. Look, I try to conduct on-site inspections whenever possible, but this store is, like, millions of miles away! I would have to gather a fellowship, some collection of wizards and warriors, and march to blah, blah, blah. Look, I want to get to the Bilbo…er, to the bottom of this as much as anyone. Besides, hobbit meat is all stringy. You would have to slather it with condiments and syrup, which is what we recommend for all of our products. Why don’t you turn this media attention back where it belongs, to that Papa John’s asshole? I hear his "everything pizza" has levels of ringwraith the FDA finds totally unacceptable. Talk about stringy meat. Nothing like a thousand year old dead king on your everything, eh? Not to mention if you’re stuffing a slice in your face and manage to get a ring, yikes. At least we use plump, juicy little…..sorry, miles away."

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Fox & Hagels: The Anti-Semitic Sandwich
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

The Wrong Remains the Same
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

Gun Used by Border Patrol Agent Government Issue
Gun Used by Border Patrol Agent Government Issue

Sierra Vista, AZ—Drug mule Manuel Garcia is dead, the drugs he was smuggling into the U.S. have been burned, and, perhaps even more disturbing, the weapon used to gun down Mr. Garcia was issued by the U.S. Government. Friends and neighbors describe Garcia as a competent drug runner, who was a good neighbor and family man, except during shootouts.

One neighbor claims shoot outs were rare. "He usually tried to keep any gun fights before 11PM. He was that kind of guy."

Attorney General Eric Holder said, "I don’t know how this could have happened, because I don’t know a lot of stuff about things, which is why I am so shocked every time I watch the news."

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath had this to say, "Every day we hand thousands of guns to people who continue to shoot at other people. Border agents, cops, even some glorified mall cops are packing serious heat. When is the madness going to stop? Besides, there were people counting on that methamphetamine. What are they supposed to do now, make it in their basement? Yeah, like that’s going make our neighborhoods safer."

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"Food Stamp Challenge" Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs
"Food Stamp Challenge" Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs

Newark, NJJersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. "This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies," said Bolden. "Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!"

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. "That is utterly ridiculous," said Booker. "I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week...hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything...for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop."

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GOP's 'Fiscal Cliff" Negotions Start Where They Should Have A Year Ago
GOP's 'Fiscal Cliff" Negotions Start Where They Should Have A Year Ago, Waking from a coma isn't easy...
Waking from a coma isn't easy...
 
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They're Still Heading for the Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity?
They're Still Heading for the Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity? INCONCEIVABLE!!
INCONCEIVABLE!!
 
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Opinions on Politics by a Non-Voter
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Well, finally this election bullshit is over. You people give me a goddamn headache. As if it remotely matters which puppet we elect. Remember: Whoever you vote for, a politician wins. Pleasant dreams.

The GOP: Time to Hide the Silverware
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up...usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

Pentagon Cyber Attack Immanent as Nation’s Norton Subscription Expires
Pentagon Cyber Attack Immanent as Nation’s Norton Subscription Expires

The Pentagon—Our nation’s Defense Department is in peril after an ordering glitch has left hundreds of key desktop and laptop computers vulnerable to cyber attack. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta is also concerned about potentially damaging malware and spyware. Norton Internet Security 2012 apparently changed the amount of times the critical software can be downloaded per purchase. Panetta maintains Norton failed to notify the Pentagon of these important changes.

During a joint press briefing, Panetta said, "Our situation is dire. We thought we purchased enough antivirus for all of our computers, but our calculations fell well short of the mark. We also had at least forty instances of people not writing down the registration code on the disc itself. We have procedures to keep this from happening, but they were ignored. It’s why we give everyone in the Defense Department a Sharpie. It’s not so they can sit at their desk and sniff ‘em. This isn’t the F-ing State Department for f^&%’s sake!"

Panetta believes the amount of porn he personally downloads each day opens the doors wide open for the potential hacking of a number of sensitive files.

"I didn’t sign onto this job to give up midget porn," said Panetta. "Midget porn first, country second. I don’t think that makes me unpatriotic. And don’t even get me started on lesbians. Really, I wouldn’t do that."

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Pardoned Turkey Linked to Terrorism?
Pardoned Turkey Linked to Terrorism?

Washington, DCAs part of a long standing White House tradition, President Barack Obama pardoned two turkeys earlier this week, but this year the story triggered a chain of convoluted events. The turkey pardoned last year was euthanized only a few days ago, which many are calling "suspicious". Now, no one knows the whereabouts of this year’s pardoned turkeys.

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said, "We know one bird is dead and the other two absconded. There is thus far no known link between these events. The missing pair did not ‘pop a cap in the ass’ of the other bird, and they are not terrorists. The dead bird was named Peace. I have never ordered a drone strike on someone named Peace, or Joy, or Paradise."

Panetta would not discuss the other missing birds, which has led some scandal-happy republicans to extrapolate. Radio anti-personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, "These turkeys should not have been pardoned. Look, if someone kills and eats everyone else in your family, are you going to be friendly to that country? What was Obama thinking?"

Congressman Trent Franks (R-AZ) said, "These turkeys are obviously Muslims and follow Sharia Law. Just look at the picture! That bird is obviously wearing some type of veil. I can’t even see its beak. I believe we’re facing an avian threat greater than H1N1, and Obama has unleashed its wrath on America!"

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann added, "Do you think it’s a coincidence Obama allowed a breeding pair of Muslim extremists to just waddle out of the White House? This is an intelligence failure on par with…what was that other shit we made up last week?"

Other theories from the Republican Senate involve the Muslim Butterballhood, a group of alien human hybirds, as well as, our personal favorite, the allegation that one turkey sexted the other, less talked about twin from the Petreaus scandal.

President Obama assured the press, "If those turkeys do anything to harm anyone, the cluck stops here."

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Scandals: No One Expects the Outlandish Inquisition!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love the Republican version of a scandal. "When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him...yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!" I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

Some of the Magic We Missed
Some of the Magic We Missed, Romney tells neighbor his fav justice pick
Romney tells neighbor his fav justice pick
 
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A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
By Pierce Winslow
A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
Pierce Winslow

Set the Way-Back Machine to the end of the Clinton years, a time of great prosperity, where we find an interesting juncture. It was a time when some quirk of fate sent us down the path to the dark side. As a green prophet once told us, once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. It’s sort of like, once you go black you never go back. In our case, the downfall all started with, of all things, a cigar. Let Freud wrestle with that one.

Obama to Kick Off Lame Duck Session with More Golf and Drinking
Obama to Kick Off Lame Duck Session with More Golf and Drinking

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration admitted they are already giving up. President Obama told the press today, "Congress has seized like an ‘87 Yugo engine coming down from benzos and alcohol. Since there is no chance of reaching a deal with these crazy people, I have 18 holes of golf scheduled for the first 90 days of my 2nd term."

President Obama added, "At the 18th hole there’s this Tavern on the Green, where I will transition to my evening schedule, which involves doing the people’s work."

Press Secretary Joseph Gibbs later explained the expression is a euphemism for "drinking heavily".

"There’s nothing I can do without a supermajority," continued President Obama. "They are going to block my proposals, my Judge nominations, my mojo, so I’m getting drunk! Then, after the first and only action of my 2nd term, I’m getting stoned!"

Obama admits he feels helpless to stop the fiscal cliff nuggie, the double-dip wedgie, but is even more concerned about this "Greenspan swirly thing" he heard about over on The Discord.

"Can I call a mulligan?" said Obama. "Hell, I’m already at McMulligan’s, so we can call it a theme day? Four!"

As for the President’s comments on a double dip, George Costanza was unavailable for comment.

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Sandy vs Marilyn
Sandy vs Marilyn
 
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Rove V World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

Romney Wins in Alternate Reality!
Romney Wins in Alternate Reality!

Parallel, DM—Governor Mitt Romney is claiming victory today despite losing the Electoral College. After the Romney camp failed to concede the election, the scientific community made a stunning announcement. Many scientists think the Grand Old Party is now officially a self-contained separate dimension. A solely Republican universe has been forming since around circa 2002, but today this bubble of non-reality has finally broken off entirely from all we know.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Massage, believes, "The GOP universe is now a separate and distinct reality, coexisting parallel to our more conventional universe. The election results are the single event that finally severed these two distinct realms."

Scientists are concerned this parallel world is based on non-Euclidian mathematics as well as something Dr. Hogbein calls "quantum idiocy", which could pose a real threat to our own dimension.

President of the Political Physicists Ass., Dr. Karl Fagan, added, "There’s a real danger here. Fictons are the particles that comprise this Republican dimension, and if these fictons come into contact with atoms from this dimension, it could make the Big Bang look like a librarian’s fart."

Dr. Hogbein agreed, "And not even a very big fart. Indeed, now if someone reaches across the aisle in either the House or the Senate, it could end the world in a single monstrous flash of energy—regardless of the content of the bill in question!"

The Discord staff feels that would be very sad. We think those Mayans deserve a crack at it. After all, they’ve been waiting around so long for this moment. Damn Republicans.

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GOP Ramps Up Their "War on Halloween"
GOP Ramps Up Their "War on Halloween"

Parsippany, NJ—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—or should we call him the Bergermeister Christieburger—cancelled Halloween this year. Many feel it is all part of a systematic effort by the GOP to end the last vestiges of a once proud pagan tradition. Christie is blaming the superstorm Sandy on his decision to call off all trick-or-treating for his state. Critics claim there is no evidence to suggest the majority of the "garden" state couldn't have easily participated in the festivities.

Caving to the wave of Pagan unrest, Christie immediately tried to console the angry heathen mobs during a press conference. "Don’t worry, pagan peeps. Halloween will simply be rescheduled for Monday November 5th," said Christie.

"November?!" questioned one Wiccan woman from Weehawken. "That's sacrilege! Would Christians postpone Christmas? The dead have one day to rise from their graves and taunt the living, All Hallows Eve. This dates back to the earliest Celtic and Knickerbocker literature. Last time I checked, orchestrating the inter-dimensional transmigration of souls is not part of the Governor’s job description."

The head of Pagans for Irreligionistic Polytheism (PIP) said, "Cancel it?! WTF? There’s plenty of debris to float over to your neighbor’s place. This could have been the best Halloween ever! Could you imagine the fun our kids could have had climbing over piles of gnarled tree limbs and dodging downed power lines? Not to mention they could still find bodies! This could have been flippin’ epic."

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Happy Halloween from the Discord Staff!
Happy Halloween from the Discord Staff!
 
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Romney’s Barrage of Ambiguous Bullsh*t Bolsters Brainless Base
Romney’s Barrage of Ambiguous Bullsh*t  Bolsters Brainless Base

Boston, MA—The Romney campaign believes its recent senseless, tangential, and often circular arguments have reinvigorated his supporters. Romney had compared Obama’s foreign policy to Jimmy Carter’s, but then endorsed each of the President’s policies during the last debate, with one notable exception.

"If I ever host another Olympics, Russia’s not invited," said Romney. "And China is going to be charged a higher entry fee than any other country. They’ll have to bow to me before we even let them go hurling!"

His campaign manager later explained that he meant curling.

As for his seeming foreign policy reversals, Romney said, "You remember my work at Bain Capital, right? I simply tailored those tactics to a debate format. I initiated a hostile takeover of Obama’s policies. I purchased them wholesale, loaded them with manure, and then bankrupted his positions in front of millions of independent voters."

A member of the Obama Administration is flummoxed by Romney’s erratic behavior. "It’s not optimal hearing the word flummoxed used by anyone in my campaign," said Obama, "especially so close to the election."

In response, Romney said, "If he doesn’t understand me, then he doesn’t understand America. This is not about obfuscation, because, frankly, most of the people who support me aren’t going to know what that word means. This is about a clear and decisive attempt to muddy the waters before the election."

Muddy Waters was unavailable for comment.

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The Tea Party
The Tea Party
 
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Romney Pledges to Increase Taxes for Nation’s Homeless
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—In an unexpected move, the Romney campaign announced its intension to be the first administration ever to levy a tax on our nation’s homeless. Romney claims to have a five point plan to save America, or at least the nicer, Mormon friendly parts (MFP).

The 2nd Presidential Debate:
The 2nd Presidential Debate: Not as good as Brokefact Mountain
Not as good as Brokefact Mountain
 
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Obama Admits to Cough Syrup Abuse
Obama Admits to Cough Syrup Abuse

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama admitted today he was high on Robitussin during the first presidential debate last week. His campaign is now scrambling to spin this story as best they can.

Obama told the press today, "Now I realize I let a lot of people down last week, but there are several reasons for my transgressions. One, I prepared for the debates while robotripping and it’s been proven through a psychological phenomenon called ‘in-state memory’ that I would remember more of what I learned back on the goods for the debate. Two, I did have a slight cough that day, which might account for the first two bottles. Three, my team is diligently working on a third reason, but I can assure you it will be incredibly convincing and should close the book on this case."

The Obama campaign maintains drinking several bottles of cough medicine is much safer than the Nixon-Kennedy White Out sniffing debates of 1960—to say nothing of the Bush-Gore bath salts debacle of 2000.

"Not many people realize Gore tried to eat Bush’s face off after their first debate," said Obama. "Now I’m not trying to make light of my actions, but other presidents ingested some crazy shit back in the day. I, unlike some of my predecessors, am trying to get high safely and responsibly."

The Obama Administration is also standing by their claim the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 involved whiskey, mescaline, and inhaling an early form of furniture polish smuggled in on their handkerchiefs.

"Just sayin’," said Obama, "that was some crazy ass shit."

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Romney to "Clean Up" Sesame Street
Romney to "Clean Up" Sesame Street, Will the Count lose his castle? "I'm 1, 2, 3 payments behind mwah, hah, hah."
Will the Count lose his castle? "I'm 1, 2, 3 payments behind mwah, hah, hah."
 
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Replacement Refs to Moderate Next Debate!
Replacement Refs to Moderate Next Debate!

Danville, KY—After completely losing control of the first presidential debate on Wednesday, moderator Jim Lehrer will be replaced by one of the National Football League’s recently laid off referees. Although the name of the finalist is not known at this time, the Commission on Presidential Debates is hoping to appoint "that asshole who F-d up the end of that Packers' game."

A key member of the Commission’s board of directors, John C. Danforth, told reporters, "The NFL’s replacement refs are now currently unemployed and replacement is already in their names, so they were the obvious choice."

Skeptics think this may be the worst idea since SNL’s Land Shark hosted the 1976 Debate, wherein the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, Walter Mondale, was partially devoured in front of nearly 70-million horrified viewers.

When asked about replacing the most prominent presidential moderator in recent history, Danforth added, "Look, could you imagine if Lehrer loses control of the VP debate next week? Just picture Joe Biden making Bill Clinton look like Marcel Marceau!"

When asked who the hell is that, Danforth replied, "I don’t know any other mimes or mute people so...wait, wait, that fat director guy who was kicked out of that plane! Silent Rob!"

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Romney Lowers Expectation for Debates, Election, Bedroom Performance
Romney Lowers Expectation for Debates, Election, Bedroom Performance

Salt Lake City, UT—Mitt Romney told the press today, he didn’t expect to be able to answer any of the questions accurately in the upcoming presidential debates as, "They will not give me a transcript of the questions ahead of time." Also, the Romney camp fears the mediator is not likely to focus on issues that concern real Americans, like freedom, or birth certificates, or rampant socialism."

Mr. Romney also believes he will likely lose the election this November, but hopes to help the GOP hold onto the House and win the Senate by "not saying anything to anyone ever again."

On a side note, he told the press, "And I’m not likely to maintain my mojo in the bedroom. Keeping my wife satisfied without the aid of those little blue pills is becoming an increasing concern for Ann and me." When asked if that was a joke, he replied, "For those who question my current sense of humor, yes, but for those who might vote for me out of pity then, no. Oh, and have I mentioned how much I care about poor Hispanic people? Please relay to your readers how I transitioned to my concerned face."

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Prince Charles’ Copycat Streaking Causes Outrage, Nausea
Prince Charles’ Copycat Streaking Causes Outrage, Nausea

London, Eng—In some misguided attempt at youthful exuberance, Prince Charles, not to be outdone, stripped down to his family jewels and bolted through downtown London yesterday. This copycat stunt comes in the wake of Prince Harry’s Vegas shenanigans and Princess Kate’s Paparazzi-style topless photos.

Prince Charles told reporters, "It seems the Royal Family is on a bit of a streak, heh, heh. Why should young people have all the fun? I’m sick of the "Dirty" Prince Harry jokes and the Duchess of Shamebridge nonsense. So I decided to do a little saber rattling myself, nudge, nudge. I thought about jumping in the Thames naked, but it’s rather thick this time of year. Then I considered riding my horse naked through the city, but then I thought ‘too Lady Godiva’. That’s when I came up with the idea to just go on a jogging naked barcrawl kind of thing."

When asked if this constituted proper behavior for a Prince, Charles said, "I am the naked man formerly known as Prince. Besides, Big Ben’s got nothing on me, bitches!" He then continued his awkward jog west toward a structure now referred to as IntheBuffingham Palace.

Her Majesty the Queen was unavailable for comment as she is scheduled to bungee jump from Tower Bridge, er...you know.

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Romney Holds Moment of Silence for His Presidential Aspirations
Romney Holds Moment of Silence for His Presidential Aspirations

Salt Lake City, UT—After watching every national poll sink to new lows, Republican nominee, Mitt Romney, held a press conference today with some of his friends, family and select members of the lame stream media. After Romney’s facial expression flip-flopped from a smirk to a frown to a sneery kind of sob, he asked those gathered to bow their heads with him in silence.

"Dear Lord," he said, "I tried...I tried to do what was right for our lobbyists, I mean our capitalists, I mean our denizen, citizens! That’s it, citizens. Heck, I’m just glad I didn’t say parasites this time...SHIT!!!!" Romney then menopaused, paused. That’s it, he paused, before continuing, "I love this country, especially the parts I own, and I just wanted to give everyone a chance to serve...wait, to see the true spirit of vulturism, I mean autism...umm, altruism..."

The Romney campaign later clarified he meant entrepreneurialism and also argued his comment later in the speech about most Americans being "homeless scum" was taken completely out of context.

Those who attended the press conference were struck with the realization that he really doesn’t have a personality or a policy to speak of. Whereas his ‘Mitt Rominee’ joke did muster some laughs, a hush quickly fell on the crowd when he announced his new Vice Presidential running mate, Groucho Rubio.

The Romney campaign later corrected it to Marco Rubio and stated this was not a flip flop. "Mr. Romney just thought he could have more than one Vice President," said his campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. "He kept insisting he could afford several. But I can assure you, the Mittinator understands he can only choose one VP per election. After all, Pawlentamy isn’t legal...er, polygamy."

Come on! That was our first Mormon/polygamy joke, work with us here!

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Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified
Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified

Tampa, FL—The Daily Discord’s para-abnormal research team poured over thousands of photos and images of Clint Eastwood’s infamous address at last week’s convention. Using the latest para-abnormal equipment, also known as Photoshop, our team has finally discovered who Clint was talking to that night.

The Daily Discord is 99% sure Mr. Eastwood was addressing, Clyde, the orangutan from that Any Which Way But Loose movie from 1978. Clyde died under mysterious and possibly violent circumstances shortly after the sequel in 1980, Any Which Way You Can totally ending any chance for the next movie, Any Which Way to Make Money. There’s nothing like a Warner Brothers movie with allegations of animal cruelty. You should have seen what they did to Bugs Bunny every Saturday morning. His catch phrase "What’s up Doc?" began as he regained consciousness each morning in various Southern California hospitals.

But why Clyde? Is Mr. Eastwood still unable to cope with this tragedy? Does Clyde still blame Eastwood for his death? And, perhaps more importantly, does the death of such a primate still constitute an irreparable loss to Republican Party strategists?

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has evidence the GOP is collaborating with Mr. Eastwood on a third installment to this important series, Any Which Way But Truth.

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Umm, What Are You People Selling Exactly?
Umm, What Are You People Selling Exactly?
 
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Rebutt! The End is Nigh!
By The Crank
The Crank

Please let me preface the following article by stating that I may not be writing this whilst in the best of moods. The Crank’s humble domicile has experienced a water issue of biblical proportions. I am writing this after three days of industrial wind machines 24-hrs a day, cats locked up in solitary, bitching constantly as they tend to do, a spouse asking "when will it be over?" as incessantly as a kid on a car trip asking "are we there yet?" So forgive me in advance.

Dozen More Injured During Reenactment of Empire State Shooting
Dozen More Injured During Reenactment of Empire State Shooting

New York, NY—Midtown Manhattan was once again ablaze with gunfire as several police offers opened fire on pedestrians today outside of the Empire State Building. NYPD is claiming the tragedy started out as a mock reenactment of the recent shooting on August 24th.

NYPD chief, Ray Kelly, told the press, "We don’t know why all of our officers had live ammunition. They were supposed to be fitted with blanks prior to the exercise. This time we were lucky. No one dealt a fatal blow to the officer playing the role of the gunman. Actually, he was never hit. And, thank God, the other 12-pedestrians suffered only minor injuries."

When asked about the three critical injuries, Kelly said, "I have requested to only be briefed on the minor injuries, because I’m having a bad enough day already."

When asked why one officer kept firing into the crowd at random for "what seemed an eternity" to witnesses, Kelly said, "There’s always going to be one guy who really gets caught up in the moment and keeps mowing down innocents until someone taps him on the shoulder and brings him back to reality. Luckily, my guys can’t shoot for shit. We can only hope we shot some assholes today. There are, in fact, a lot of assholes in New York, so, statistically speaking, we probably shot some today."

NYPD is postponing their 9/11 reenactment and their 64 Harlem Riots reenactment, pending a full investigation.

"Well, we might go ahead with the riot," said Kelly. "It’s Harlem, lot of assholes out there."

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God Gives GOP a "Time Out"
God Gives GOP a "Time Out"

Tampa, FL—God is reportedly "very unhappy" with Republican values, which he feels have reached almost oxymormon levels. "That’s not a typo," said God. "It’s a Romney Mormon joke, heh, heh. That one killed ‘em in Nazareth. No, I’m sick of the GOP. They’re getting what they deserve."

Tampa Mayor, Bob Buckhorn, feels God is "raining on his parade" and demanded God send Moses to part the hurricane’s tidal surge, so this important convention could proceed as scheduled. Buckhorn also added, "Stop being such an omni-buttinsky!" and later, "Why don’t you say that shit to my face, bitch?!"

God responded with a targeted storm surge that swept the Mayor and his family out to sea, where they are presumably damp.

God said, "Look, I turned Isaac west. This was more intended as a warning shot across the bow kind of thing, or a time out. I didn’t want to derail the entire convention, but maybe shorten it a bit. You have to understand, I’m omnipresent, so I have to sit through this entire fucking thing."

When asked about dropping the F-bomb, God said, "I’m also omnipotent so by definition I don’t make retractions." Then God recited an excerpt from what he called the Gospel of Isaac. "God will show no mercy!"

Biblical scholars believe God meant to say the Gospel of Isaiah, and he kind of reversed the meaning of the original quote a bit.

God reiterated his ‘no retractions ever’ policy using five of George Carlin’s Words You Can Never Say on TV...quite creatively. He then warned if the GOP didn’t "wise up", he would make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a Snooki tirade.

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Prince Harry and Rep. Yoder to Swim Amstel Naked!
Prince Harry and Rep. Yoder to Swim Amstel Naked!

Amsterdam, NL—Congressman Kevin Sea of GaliWeewee Yoder and Prince Isn’t it Supposed to Stay in Vegas? Harry plan to double down on their recent antics. The pair is scheduled to meet in Amsterdam over Labor Day weekend to kick things up a notch. After imbibing heavily on the Blood of Christ, Rep. Yoder plans to strip to some reggae music outside of the Anne Frank Museum. "Oh, and I have an announcement," said Yoder. "Where better to come out of the closet, eh?"

Meanwhile, Prince Harry is planning an English style pub-crawl that will culminate at the Space Cake cart over on Blitzedbuggerstraat.

Rep. Yoder told the press today, "It’ll be like in the Wonder Twins. We touch rings, we say, ‘team drunkenness activate, form of nakedness’. It will be kind of like that, only way cooler."

At the designated hour, the two will rendezvous at the Heineken Brewery, strip off their clothing, and then dive into the Amstel River to the cheers of adoring fans. EMTs will be standing by as the Amstel River makes New York’s East River seem like a Poland Springs’ commercial.

"No one is going to even know who Lady F-ing Godiva is after this stunt," said Prince Harry.

Her majesty, the Queen, is forbidding the young Prince to participate and the GOP is warning Yoder that he may take increased criticism from his Kansas constituents.

Prince Harry replied, "Piss off! The Queen will let me out of the Tower of London by Labor Day, guaranteed. See you in space cake land, Yoder!"

Rep. Yoder added, "Look, no one in Kansas is going to elect a Democrat. I could get high on meth one night and dig up Reagan and I’m still a shoe-in."

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Romney Palin 2012
Romney Palin 2012, See? The GOP really hasn't learned a fucking thing.
See? The GOP really hasn't learned a fucking thing.
 
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Semi-Unified Conspiracy Theories
By The Crank
The Crank

There’s a lot going on today and with our media tanking it’s time we learned the truth! Conspiracy theories are rampant, yet what are we to make of the Age of Misinformation? The Daily Discord has paid me handsomely to get to the bottom of several of the leading stories of our time. I, The Crank, found most of the loose strings of a generation and tied them into a nice little bow. On that note, I could really use that case of Coca Cola now, Mr. Winslow. It would be better for everyone if it arrived soon…

Regime Change at Penn State!
Regime Change at Penn State!
 
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God Angered By Obamacare Ruling!
God Angered By Obamacare Ruling!
DC plunged into darkness
 
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King’s Correction, "Why Can’t We All Just Get a Loan?"
King’s Correction, "Why Can’t We All Just Get a Loan?"

Rialto, CA—Rodney King’s lawyers have released startling statements from his last will and testament. The man known for sparking the 1991 L.A. Riots and for his inability to fend off LAPD—or swimming pools—amended his famous statement, "Why can’t we all just get along?" to "get a loan."

King allegedly wrote, "You see, my wife and I had shitty credit at the time and no one was lending us any money. So we needed a loan." King later failed to correct his misstatement with the press because, "It became popular, so I just kind of went with it. I never did get that mother f***ing loan."

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Police Department is suing The Daily Discord for our marquee joke earlier this week:

After battling for survival since 1991 Rodney King finally succumbs to his injuries.

We would really like to retract that, but...on second thought, we would like to dedicate it to LA’s finest.

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Occupy the Tea Party
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s absurd what’s happening today, and not just because of my last post about the Facebook Nazis. We are in dire straits, folks, and, Mark my words, I have had a Knopfler. (The Sultans of Swing Voters?) Sorry. Half our country can’t motivate and the other half probably shouldn’t. The Occupy movement remains rudderless and the Tea Party has charted a clear and exact course toward some jagged rocks.

Cost of War in Iraq: $1 Trillion
Cost of War in Afghanistan: $2 Trillion
Cost of War in Iraq $1 Trillion, Cost of War in Afghanistan $2 Trillion, Dismantling the al-Qaeda network for the price of about 57 Drones, priceless
Dismantling the al-Qaeda network for the price of about 57 drones: priceless
 
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Edwards Admits to his Friends, his Family and the World How He Really Wanted to Nail Juror Seven
Edwards Admits to his Friends, his Family and the World How He Really Wanted to Nail Juror Seven
 
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Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered!
Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered! Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
 
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Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa
Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa

Athens, GR—The final insult to a once proud civilization came today when Angela Merkel of Germany downgraded Greece to a countrytoid. The Prime Minister formally kicked them out of the EU and with a word banished the lot to Northern Africa. Germany is funding the €27 billion project to have Greece towed south across the Mediterranean Sea.

Merkel told the world today, "I did not come to this decision lightly, but it’s kind of like when you are in a division we’re each night your team gets pummeled. Once in Northern Africa, Greece will find itself winning some games, at least comparatively. And, if and when they earn their first €27 billion, we will be happy to reconsider their EU application and the logistics of their return trip."

The Greek President, Karolos Papouplias, warns that the God Zeus is prepared to come to his country’s aid.

Zeus later denied this claim, "Look, I generally like to turn into an assortment of animal forms and hump some mortal women now and again. That’s pretty much my whole itinerary these days."

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In the Mail Today
In the Mail Today
 
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Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour
Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour

Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, "Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font."

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, "She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta."

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. "I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’"

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. "Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle," said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, "Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?" Gingrich replied, "Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big."

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Obama Dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf...
Obama dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf, replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
...replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
 
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Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
By Mick Zano
Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he...). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen
Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen

Lexington, KY—State Representative Ted Harkins (R) told reporters today, "We are losing the war on allergies and this new ‘March Bloom’ is the last straw." Harkins later told reporters he’s allergic to straw as well.

Representative Harkins, known for his anti-pollen legislation, was also the first to coin the term Microgametophytic Fascism. He believes if his sneezing fits continue, he will lose the next election and an important General in the War on Pollen will be silenced. And by silenced, he means intermittent sneezing, coughing and sobbing.

When asked if the early bloom had anything to do with Climate Change, he said, "No. Global Goreing is just a liberal distraction. Tree hugging socialists are just the types the pollen hordes want in power. Look, pollen is plant sperm. Plant sperm in our noses! It’s the world’s flora attempting to hump the whole blooming planet! Nostril sex is an abomination."

In the name of fiscal conservatism, Harkins proposes ramping up the defoliation of the main offenders across our state and national forests.

"Plants, trees, grass, and those MFing flowers must go," said Harkins. "As the Bible tells us, we were here first and they’re no longer welcome. If I’m reelected I will use all of our state’s resources to eradicate all things green and hay fever evoking."

When asked about signing Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge, he said, "No problem. We can fund this project entirely by defunding everything else."

"Harkins has my vote," said one person, who’s in no way fictional. "We shouldn’t be forced to spend our lives in urban areas, avoiding city parks like the plague. Of course, I can’t go into parks anyway after the ‘incident’ but it’s the principle."

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Discord Dissident Disses the Debt Deal Debacle
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let’s be clear here, this is a non rebuttal rebuttal (NRR), Mr. Crank. Keeping my mouth shut is not always easy, as my librarian can attest, but I will try to keep the rebut-thing to a minimum. This post will cover our continued budget woes, what the Florida shooting says about society, and the Discord’s failed attempt at being a uniter. Who’d have thought a site called The Daily Discord would fail to bring people together? Shocking.

Dick Cheney "Doing Great" after Heart Transplant
Dick Cheney "Doing Great" after Heart Transplant, although his breath is magnified and a little raspy
Although his breath is magnified and a little raspy
 
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What did you expect? Welcome, Sonny? Thanks for nabbing Bin Laden? Thanks for avoiding a depression?
What did you expect? Welcome, Sonny? Thanks for nabbing Bin Laden? Thanks for avoiding a depression?
 
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Mysterious Phoenix Explosion Explained
Mysterious Phoenix Explosion Explained

Phoenix, AZ—On the evening of March 9th a strange explosion in the Northwest Valley was captured by Fox News 10. The power company immediately denied any transformer blow outs and the large, unexplained flash of light remained a mystery, until now.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio finally made a statement to the press yesterday, explaining the mysterious flash. The Sheriff admitted he and his department used a bazooka to eliminate a flagrant j-walking menace from nearby Mesa. Parts of the j-walker later arrived at Scottsdale Medical Center, while other parts arrived at Arizona Regional in Mesa.

"We only recovered 60% of the ‘alleged’ offender," said Arpaio, "but I can tell you one thing, that bastard will not be blatantly ignoring crosswalks again in my town."

Sherriff Arpaio came under considerable scrutiny last year for using a SWAT team and a tank to break up a cock fighting ring that turned out to be a pacifist farmer who just loves his cock.

Rooster spokesperson, Foghorn Leghorn, had this to say, "I say, I say, this man’s a bleeping menace. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet javelinas."

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Springfield Elects Mayor for 17th Term
Springfield Elects Mayor for 17th Term

Springfield, ??—Joseph "Putin" Quimby won Re-election today in a landslide victory over his opponent, Grounds Keeper Willy. Pundits believe that Super PAC funds from an unnamed nuclear power plant owner, and rampant voter intimidation sealed the deal for the incumbent.

Even Quimby’s harshest critics did not deny how animated he’s been throughout this campaign. Quimby, affectionately known to locals as Joe the Mayor, ran on a record of creating the 6-1/2 day work week, the squelching of all local unions, and the complete gutting of regulations at Springfield’s nuclear power plant.

Quimby told reporters, "Aside from their close proximity, there is no proven connection between the power plant and the three-eyed fish." The Mayor also claimed the many glowing objects in the surrounding area "actually help people see at night and increases tourism."

During the course of the race Quimby’s team, the committee to Re-elect the mayor, or CREEM, further developed that argument, eventually using the issue as a standing talking-point. They claimed it demonstrated the opponent party’s "well-known callous disregard for human life, [as the] Liberals once again put their love for enviro-fascism ahead of the welfare and safety of Mr. Burns…er, the American people."

The Mayor’s oft invoked slogan, "You Don’t Eat the Fish’s Eyes Anyway" was met with wild cheers from his supporters.

Quimby refused to comment on his competition’s not-so-gracious consolation speech where several people were injured as Willy drove a tractor over supporters and critics alike, pumping his fists and shouting things decidedly Scottish.

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Man Admits He's Not a Huge Paul Fan
Man Admits He's Not a Huge Paul Fan, "I just can't beat this damn OCD."
"I just can't beat this damn OCD."
 
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GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!
By The Crank
GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!

Yeah, that’s right, The Crank is finally calling out the right wing. Why don’t you just put the f*&^ing election into a pretty foil box with a bow and hand it to Obama and say, "Sorry we bothered." Or put on the cake, Enjoy Four More Years, oh Anointed One.

Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.

Obama Threatens to Drop the F-Bomb on Iran
Obama Threatens to Drop the F-Bomb on Iran

Washington, DC - Iran has failed to meet their deadline to disarm, so President Obama warned how, in the near future, colorful metaphors are likely to descend on the defiant country.  Obama has assailed Iran with an increasingly terse tone—a tone that could escalate to swearing.

When asked if the Obama Administration is prepared to use any of George Carlin’s ‘seven words you can not say on television,’ Obama replied, "No options are off the table at this time."

If Iran continues to thumb their nose at the global community, Obama threatened an "egregious bout of profanity not seen since the Discord’s last Crank feature." 

Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta, stated the dropping of the F-bomb itself is not a matter of if, but when.

"Plans to do anything meaningful to suspend Iran’s nuclear pursuits have been suspended until operation Mock and Caw takes full effect," said Panetta.  "We’re even thinking of an outright regime change, so…like, instead of referring to the Iranian regime as the ‘Iranian regime’, we’re going to call it the ‘Iranian leadership’.  See?  We changed the regime with no loss of life."

"As for the old carrot and the stick analogy," said Obama,  "we have used the carrot, so now the time has come to use the smaller, less enticing carrot, and, of course, an egregious bout of profanity."

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You Show Me Your Birth Certificate If You Want to See Mine
By The Librarian
The Librarian

When is the stupidity ever going to end? No, not the Daily Discord; they just renewed their hosting. I just can’t understand why anyone would continue to support the ignorance of way too many members of the Republican Party! I know that democracy is composed of many differing factions. I believed that responsible people could disagree on issues and resolve them. Oops, I said responsible people. Can you edit that part out?

Gomez-Fester 2012
Gomez-Fester 2012, A dead chicken on every door!
A dead chicken on every door!
 
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Did Romney Pander to Vegas Voters?
Did Romney Pander to Vegas Voters? And was ziplining Fremont St. painted like the Blue Man Group too much?
And was ziplining Fremont St. painted like the Blue Man Group too much?
 
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Punxsutawney Pete Predicts Six-More-Weeks of Slow Economic Growth
Punxsutawney Pete Predicts Six-More-Weeks of Slow Economic Growth

Punxsutawney, PA—Those who remain in Punxsutawney after Groundhog Day are now treated to a little talked about event. Punxsutawney Pete, the famous Pennsylvanian opossum prognosticator, predicted Six-more-weeks of slow economic growth and implied Obama’s policies are to blame.

The town of Punxsutawney has seen a steady decline in interest in Groundhog Day over the years. The town responded by adding this opossumy pundit to their busy groundhogian mix.

For the last three years, Pete has emerged from his hole and offered several predictions regarding our state of the union. Thus far he’s accurately foreseen the onset of the mortgage crisis, the end to the Iraq War, and the crushing defeat of Sanjaya on American Idol.

"We needed to keep the tourists around another night," said Mayor Yokel. "We tried blocking the road out of town with a mock accident, but you can only get away with that shit so many times."

The Mayor came under considerable scrutiny for the rumor that swarms of radioactively enlarged insects had surrounded the town in February of 2007.

"Even the Easter Bunny thinks Phil is a bad opening act," said Yokel. The Mayor blames the slump in tourism on two major factors: "It’s so rare the little bastard sees an early spring in our future and, second, that damnable movie Groundhog Day! Folks are scared would-be-attendees might become trapped in a temporal loop and never leave this piss ant little town again. If Bill Murray was here right now I’d punch him in his raccoon face."

Punxsutcoony Paul was unavailable for comment.

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Ham Slam: Miss Piggy’s Fox News Roast
Ham Slam: Miss Piggy’s Fox News Roast

London, GB—Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy attended last week’s London premiere of The Muppets. During the event, British reporters asked the pair what they thought about the growing tension between Fox News and the popular Hensonites. The cable news giant is also particularly angry at the Muppet, Animal, for urinating on Roger Ailes at the Propaganda for Dummies Symposium in San Diego last month.

When specifically questioned about Fox’s assertion the movie has a liberal agenda, Kermit said, "If we have a problem with oil companies, why would we have spent the entire film driving around a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce?"

Miss Piggy then chimed in, "It's almost as laughable as accusing Fox News of, you know, being news."

The Daily Discord later asked if the couple wished to retract their statements. "Certainly not," said Kermit, "and I can tell you another thing: with Fox News around it aint easy being green."

Miss Piggy stated she was more concerned about conservative’s recent racist attacks against Muppets in general, and added, "I know the women of Fox News are attractive, but to me it’s all just lipstick on a pig."

She then asked to have her statement retracted, which we will now do:

Please do not read that last statement from Miss Piggy.

See Fox? That’s how you do a retraction. You should try it.

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Freudian Slippery? Gingrich Shakes Baby’s Hand and Kisses Mother
Freudian Slippery? Gingrich Shakes Baby’s Hand and Kisses Mother

Lake County, FL—GOP nomination hopeful, Newt Gingrich "mistakenly" shook 11-month-old Jacob Horowitz’s hand and then proceeded to kiss Rebecca Horowitz, the infant’s mother, on the lips. This occurred on the campaign trail earlier today at a diner described by locals as "an area favorite". One witness said the kiss was "not nearly as disturbing as what he did with his hands."

The former Speaker immediately responded by saying his actions were intentional. "Look, the woman was very attractive and the baby had a pungent feces smell to it. What would anyone have done given those circumstances? I am frankly appalled that women everywhere go through such lengths to help Barack Obama by further reporting my unwanted advances to the media."

Gingrich is also denying slipping the woman the tongue. "It's preposterous. The destructive, vicious, unaccommodating nature of females is making it increasingly harder to govern this country. Many important legislators remain completely preoccupied by frigid Floridians like Mrs. what's-her-name. Furthermore, I can assure you I do not smoke cigars that way. I also know the definition of what the word ‘is’ is and I have more lawyers than that ungrateful bitch has diapers."

When questioned further about the misstep, Gingrich said, "I have no doubt that my esteemed colleague Ron Paul would have liberated the baby from the diaper on the spot. And Romney would have kissed the baby’s ass, regardless, because he panders to any poop anywhere, and with current polling data from Florida no one even cares what Zeppo would have done."

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Megyn Kelly vs Andrew Sullivan: Reality vs the Neococoon
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post isn’t actually for reading purposes; it’s just my version of blogular therapy. I’ve tried to make a few points in a few posts over a few pints, but reality is a tough nut to crack when you’re dealing with…er, nuts. The truth has little meaning in today’s discourse (or, Discord…). Modern conservatism, in particular, has its own truth, its own facts, and its own version of history. They’re no longer interested in debating events occurring in this dimensional plane of existence, unless it involves Snooki’s antics.

Obama to Increase Deficit in New 'Fun Size' Increments
Obama to Increase Deficit in New 'Fun Size' Increments

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

"We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt," said Obama. "And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment."

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, "We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars."

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, "Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion."

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. "I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad," said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

"...the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle," as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…"

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, "We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!"

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Yes We Have No Bananas...
Yes We Have No Bananas...Sure we do.
Sure we do.
 
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2012: The Choice between Smart Unconstitutional Power, or Incompetent Unconstitutional Power
2012: The Choice between Smart Unconstitutional Power, or Incompetent Unconstitutional Power
 
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Stick to Writing Jokes, Mikko: The Zano Rebuttal Rides Again
By The Crank
The Crank

First, let me be the first to congratulate you on the crying Korean-slash-Bachmann joke. Well done, sir. Second, I know Darth Winslow warned me about political commentary—just like the Politicos, he has to pander to his base (all six of them). Yeah, I know, "they are six really smart people!" I’m sorry, dear Winnie, like the spider who kills the goose he’s riding across the river on and drowns, it’s wut ah do.

The Taliban, the Hawks and the Biden "Gaffe"
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The plan in Afghanistan, even under General Stanley McChrystal, was to reach out to the moderate brand of the Taliban and bring them back to the table. This has been the "the plan" since, umm, ever. So, we finally start to implement the thing and everyone goes ape shit? Attacking moderate and radical Muslims alike, as they represent approximately a third of the planet, is madness...or, as I like to call it, modern conservatism. This route will surely find us all committed to a Santorium somewhere. Sorry, Rick. Your turn.

Actually, This is When the North Koreans Started Crying
Actually, This is when the North Koreans Started Crying
 
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Where is the Supercommittee Now?
Where is the Supercommittee Now? Who the hell cares?
Who the hell cares?
 
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Georgia Woman Claims, "Despite My Advances, Cain Was Never Inappropriate"
Georgia Woman Claims, "Despite My Advances, Cain Was Never Inappropriate"
 
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Save Some Real Money Supercomittee, Weed the People!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of 'lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.

Gingrich Surge Fueled by Angry NBA Fans
Gingrich Surge Fueled by Angry NBA Fans

Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.

"The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system."

"I don’t know what to do with myself," said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. "I don't care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy."

The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking...with their mouths...to reporters and other journalist types.

"What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent," said Gingrich. "And I live for that shit."

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Christmas Elves Forcibly Remove Occupy North Polers
Christmas Elves Forcibly Remove Occupy North Polers

North Pole—Elves and occupiers clashed outside of that jolly old "one percenter's" workshop this week. The incident ended in 27 arrests and at least a dozen injuries. Santa Claus is denying the authorization to use force. Many are claiming St. Nick ordered his toy making elves to forcibly remove the dozens of protestors by force from his frosty front lawn yesterday.

"It’s a load of Yule time shit," said Santa. "They were doing things to the Christmas trees and defecating in my ornate sleighs. They were provoking the elves, they were provoking me! They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits."

Fox News "journalists" believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas.

"They’re ramping up their efforts to destroy America, destroy tradition, destroy God!" said Bill O’Rielly. "I don’t really believe that, but I got paid more to say that sentence than you make in a year, losers."

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Entitled Occupiers, Sociopaths, and those "Free Market" Slaves
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Most Americans fit into one of the three categories above, all nice and tidy like, which I will ridicule each of you for soon enough. First, how do we galvanize this Occupy Movement into something meaningful and lasting, like the second season of Jersey Shore?

Obama Expected to Give Up During Next Scheduled Press Conference
Obama Expected to Give Up During Next Scheduled Press Conference

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

"I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front," said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. "But even cash advance places are turning us down," said Obama. "We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there."

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, "I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy."

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Oklahoma Earthquake: Millions of Kernels Still Trapped under Downed Cornstalks!
Oklahoma Earthquake: Millions of Kernels Still Trapped under Downed Cornstalks!

Oklahoma City, OK—Authorities fear the 5.6 magnitude earthquake that rocked Oklahoma this week has yet to claim all of its victims. Time is running out for an estimated 17-million corn kernels still buried under an area of fallen corn stalks rescue workers estimate to be "the size of Corn-necticut."

Many believe we are facing a "creamed corn scenario of unprecedented proportions."

Oklahoma City officials are thankful their state is flat or the resulting pyroclastic flows of high fructose corn lava could have consumed entire towns.

"But luckily we don’t have many of those either," said Mayor Cobb Huskins. "But make no mistake, we’ve been cornholed for sure."

Some locals are taking advantage of the quake through looting, "It’s a cornucopia out there," said one stalker. "The real thing is just so much better than internet corn."

The Green Giant and Little Sprout were unavailable for comment.

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Cain-Burns 2012
Cain-Burns 2012, You're all worthless and weak!
You're all worthless and weak!
 
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If America Promises to Disband Capitalism will you all take a Shower?
If America Promises to Disband Capitalism will you all take a Shower?

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, barely escaped the Occupy Flagstaff rally on Saturday after several of her incendiary remarks left protestors angered. Having camped out at the Flagstaff City Council Building all afternoon, the protestors grew increasingly hostile and malodorous.

"Do you smell Patchouli? God, I hope that’s Patchouli," said McGrath through watery eyes and held nose. "The stench of these anti-political Patchouli-smelling peeps makes me want to puke…and the event only started a couple of hours ago."

McGrath waded into the unwashed masses and interviewed a man named Chris and his friend, V (the real V from Vendetta, not one of his helpers). Neither of them could agree on much, but they’re both furious with the man, whoever he is.

Protestors had a lot to say on the topic of reforming capitalism; their answers ranged from "scrap it" all the way to "what was Bret Michaels thinking by picking that last skanky ho-bag?"

Not a single protestor acknowledged the existence of the Daily Discord’s Occupy Wal*Mart movement. The Discord staff maintains this Occupy group pales in comparison to the Discord’s own universal galactic hostile takeover of Wal*Mart.

Normally the water canon is used to disperse angry mobs, but in this case Flagstaff officials used a lethal combination of ammonia and bleach to both kill and disinfect the crowd.

Finally, after several showers and an hour in her own personal fumigation chamber, McGrath added, "We don’t know why they came, we don’t know when they will leave, but I do know one thing: there’s not enough Febreze in northern Arizona to make this situation right."

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Tea Party Chooses Hypocrisy over Religiosity
By The Librarian
The Librarian

The most valuable thing I received from my family of origin was a graduate practicum in hypocrisy before I completed elementary school. Dad believed he was God, and Mom supported his delusion as long as he was always there to pull out her chair and open the car door for her. They intensely disliked the outcome of their tutelage as I developed of my greatest talent, the ability to see through subterfuge to hypocrisy. I have been amused by it ever since.

Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours
Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours

Cottonwood, AZ—Upon discovering the sheer lack of Walmarts in Sedona, the Discord’s Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath drove the extra 35 miles to Cottonwood during their unprecedented attack on "the man" Sunday. The two lacktivists planned to stake out the snack bar area, until they were hit with their second setback—the sheer lack of snack bars in the Cottonwood Walmart.

"We’d like to apologize to all the people who went to Sedona Sunday looking for the nonexistent snack bar in the nonexistent Walmart," said Mick Zano. "Who knew Sedona was completely devoid of marts, K, Wal, or otherwise? It was an honest mistake made by honest reporters."

"He’s lying," said Discord reporter Cokie McGrath. "In retrospect, I don’t recommend spending this much time with Zano when he’s not drinking, but I did manage to keep him from defecating on a plastic police car in the toy aisle."

The pair succeeded in bringing business at the bustling Super Center to a screeching halt for a nearly six hour period...or at least business near and around this bench.

McGrath believes this event is only the beginning. "We could have carried on for another two or three more hours, but the bench area actually has different hours than the rest of the store, or at least that’s what they told us during our ejection."

"If this protest continues to double every day, eventually there will be more protestors than people on the planet. That’s a statistical fact," said Zano, who believes the protest could have been an even more effective demonstration, "If I didn’t always spend my weekends hanging around this same bench for long periods of time."

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The Shit Heard Round the World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Another faction finally emerges, Occupy Wall Street. A rocky start, fer sure, and I condemn their recent attack on the E*Trade baby. But how does one bridge the gap between the Tea Party and this new group? We need a revolution that resonates with more, not less people. Thus far one group seems to be railing against Wall Street and the disparity of wealth, while the other attacks taxation and a growing government. One demands entitlements and the other wants to put an end to them. What’s the answer?  The Transcosmetic Party, that’s what.

Palin Not Running: Prefers to be "an Outsider"
Palin Not Running: Prefers to be "an Outsider", Also considering becoming a Warrior or a Sweathog
Also considering becoming a Warrior or a Sweathog
 
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Are Christie and Huntsman Too Smart for the GOP?
Are Christie and Huntsman too Smart for the GOP? Will an IQ over 100 and a tenuous grip on reality disqualify them?
Will an IQ over 100 and a tenuous grip on reality disqualify them?
 
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Chris Christie’s Speech: Revisionist History or Just Plain Bullshit?  You Decide
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I like Chris Christie, at least comparatively.  Unlike his colleagues, this man often refuses to drink from the Cup of Stupid. But in order to win the nomination these days, one must resonate with the asses.  It’s always interesting to see which angle they attempt, bullshit or revisionist history. For this stump speech Christie managed a nice combination of both.  His speech was ultimately a scathing attack on his own party.

Mothman Found Dead!
Mothman Found Dead!

Point Pleasant, WV—The creature that terrorized a small West Virginia town in the late sixties was pronounced dead this morning by local entomologists.  Apparently, this legendary winged monster finally met its match after flying repeatedly into a porch light in front a residence on Jones Street.  Authorities say Mothman did not die on that porch, but managed to flap over to his west side apartment, where he posted his farewells on Facebook and Twitter.


Mman7
Mman7 Moth Man
I’m like, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH!! BWTF!!!
6 seconds ago

Mothman’s last Facebook session involved ‘unfriending’ Bigfoot and then telling his Facebook fans, "I only regret not being able to scare the shit out of and/or maul the lot of you!" 

He also blamed the lack of recent Mothman sightings on misidentifications.

"People always think I’m the Jersey Devil, or Batman, or something.  ‘Hey look, Batman.’  Hell-oo!  This isn’t Jersey and it certainly aint Gotham-friggin’-City, lady!  I’m a moth!  I’ve even tried stalking that Monster Quest team for months, but those morons couldn’t even find a Megaladon if it swam up and bit em’ on the ass."

Mothra and the surviving members of the band, Iron Butterfly, attended the funeral, but left shortly after the Lochness Monster arrived, quite intoxicated.

"It kept saying the same joke all night," said Mothra.  "Take my wife, plesiosaur.  What does that even mean?"

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Merkel Agrees to EU Bailouts Only if Greece Submits to a Drug Test
Merkel Agrees to EU Bailouts Only if Greece Submits to a Drug Test

Berlin, DE—The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has decided to pull out her oversized purse one more time to save Europe.  However, she did warn European leaders today there will be stipulations.  First, she is insisting the country of Greece undergo a drug test within 24 hours.  If any illicit substances show up in the country’s system, she will not help until it "seeks professional help."

Merkel is also insisting Portugal "pull in their nets and open a proper factory already."

Merkel reminded Portugal that it’s 2011, not 1011.  She then encouraged the country to "Febreze itself immediately and put on a tie."

Merkel also reports a growing resentment toward the Brits. "Even if they were to join the EU tomorrow, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help them.  Not until England successfully completes an anger management program, facilitated by a licensed professional."

She then called them schwankers and made an obscene gesture known only to German Chancellors.   

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Live-Blogging the Republican Debate on Opiates
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

After watching the show Monday night, I have to admit to being wrong.  These candidates are really shaping up to be a prepared, well-informed group of individuals.  Oh, you mean the Republican candidates…I was talking about American Idol.  Sorry.  I only wish Trump and Palin were there to share in the Thorazine love.  Speaking of Thorazine, why isn’t Glenn Beck running?  I think if those three came on board, you’d have a nice representative slice of Americana…the criminally deranged slice.

Cheney Reveals his Post 9/11 Undisclosed Location in New Book
Cheney Reveals his Post 9/11 Undisclosed Location in New Book
 
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Bachmann Lured through Hellish Nether Portal
Bachmann Lured through Hellish Nether Portal

Waterloo, IA—Using the Neconicon, an ancient conservative grimorie, four brave progressives coaxed Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, back into the hellish alternate Universe from whence she came. 

"It’s truly over," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna.   "One of the key demonic forces in politics is gone forever."

Eyewitnesses claim Bachmann was lured to a pre-designated location by setting up a mock LBGTQ Facebook Meetup group in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. 

"With the elections closing in, Iowa was the obvious choice," said the lead political exorcist, a man who wishes to remain anonymous.  "Her hometown made it perfect.  We picked a remote location on the outskirts of town, announced it on Facebook, and prepared the area using passages from the Neoconicon.  Flamboyant decoys were then placed around a table located directly over the portal."

After she took the bait, no injuries were reported.  However, a pink Versace shirt and several matching accessories were irreparably damaged.  The Elton John impersonator also reports suffering an "awful fright."

The unnamed spokesperson denies Sarah Palin will be a target of any future black magic ops, "No, no, Bachmann was the only genuine succubus in politics, Palin is more of a Foxgoblin."  

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You Say You Want a Revolution?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one.  It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, "Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work."

Right-Wing Blow-Hards Lead the Charge
Right-Wing Blow-Hards Lead the Charge
It's all about our Christian values...
 
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Cthulhu Officially Endorses Palin
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

On August 8th, the undulating Cthulhu endorsed Sarah Palin for President of the United States. This Outer God is often described as ...an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature and is regarded by H.P. Lovecraft as "a pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings." And that’s just Palin.

How about all that raise the debt ceiling hype? You want to raise the dead on bowling night? We bowl?
 
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Man Filling Void left by Glenn Beck with Cannibalism
Man Filling Void left by Glenn Beck with Cannibalism

Oklahoma City, OK—One man is refusing to let fear and paranoia slip out of his life.

When Glenn Beck announced his last show on Fox News, James Stiles said, "I’m going to eat people."

As a result of his new hobby, Mr. Stiles now spends his days in constant fear of that dreaded "cop" knock at the door.  He spends his evenings madly scribbling his conspiracy theories on an old chalkboard in his basement.   During the interview the board read:  

9/11 = 20 = 20/20 (liberal propaganda)
= ½ of Beck’s 40 Days/40 Nights Challenge
= Obama & Arianna Huffington’s lovechild is the anti-Christ!!

"I’m not just going to let all of that angst slip away," said Stiles.  "Glenn created an elevated level of adrenaline in the systems of real Americans for some purpose, so maintaining that baseline level of misguided hyper-vigilance is crucial to our cause." 

When it was pointed out how adrenaline negatively impacts higher functioning in the brain, Stiles randomly recited Drudge headlines, while sharpening a butcher knife.  Mr. Stiles believes cannibalism is keeping him scared shitless, and it also cuts down on his grocery bills.  He reports eating only liberals and progressives and babies, but one day he hopes to devour George Soros’ liver with some farva beans and a dry Chianti.

"I’m doing this for real America and I’m doing this for Glenn.  I know he, of all people, would understand," said Stiles.

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Clemency for Clemens?  Why Lying to a Politician Should Not Only Be Legal But Encouraged
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight, Roger Clemens was doping, but his only actual charge was lying under oath to Congress.  Umm, lying to Congress?  Isn’t that kind of like using magic against Voldemort?  I mean, Congress lies constantly.  This is the only language they understand.  If his deceit is proven in a court of law, maybe Clemens should be forced to represent Texas in the House of Representatives for a two-year term.  Call it perjury duty. 

Life Impaired Protest Ends In Violence
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Last night, the undead rallied in front of the White House in a bid for unliving free of persecution, prejudice, and violence. The walking dead, many carrying signs smeared with blood and gore, were unable to comment.

The Crank Redeemed!  Everything in my Last Post was Liberal Propaganda
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Once again, the Crank has reduced all eternal truths into someone else’s stock options. So everything is wrong in my last post, eh? Let’s assume he’s right for a moment, ha ha ha hahahaa.  Sorry, that was funny.  Mr. Crank, you have a singular ability to misrepresent all of my positions and points.  Some would call that consistency; I call it something else.

Scientists Lied, Camels Died
By The Crank
The Crank

Ok Mikkey, here is another one of those generalities you hate so much. All your statements on "climate change" "global farting" "death warmed over" or whatever you choose, are wrong. All of them (Geeh, I so love doing that).

GOP Claims Gingrich’s Mouth Nearly Contained at this Time
GOP Claims Gingrich’s Mouth Nearly Contained at this Time

Clear Lake, IA—Newt Gingrich, the out of control right wing mouth piece, is still burning today, but pundits claim the buffoon is nearly 70% contained at this hour.   For many tense weeks, it looked as if Gingrich would incinerate huge swaths of America.  Last month, he completely burned the Ryan Plan forcing Republicans to work around the clock to extinguish sections of the ignited document.  In Dallas, after several aides resigned from his campaign, an attempt was made to drive Gingrich east into Lake Ray Hubbard.  Unfortunately, he was able to jump a firebreak and escape. 

"We now have him surrounded in Iowa," announced House Speaker John Boehner. "We were concerned he would keep talking, but now his fiery often contradictory rhetoric is finally smoldering."

When asked if high political winds could rekindle Gingrich’s campaign, Boehner said, "Not likely.  No one is going to fan those flames."

Just to be on the safe side, Iowa’s Governor, Terry Branstad, is urging residents to keep all accelerants and all microphones away from the former Speaker.

"Gingrich is currently holed up over in Clear Lake," said Branstad, "where no media is getting in or out.  Unfortunately, he does have access to his social sites, so be the first of your friends to Not Like."

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Happy Crankipendence Day: for those who Give a Shit
By The Crank
The Crank

Spiro T. Agnew was right thirty some odd years ago.  He called it how he saw it. The "Press" and its Liberal/Progressive lemmings are exactly what he said they were, "Effete intellectual snobs."  He got his ass handed to him in a mayonnaise jar for that—only he was right on the money.

Obama, "Our Borders are Secure!"
Obama, "Our Borders are Secure!" Now he's working on Barnes & Noble
Now he's working on Barnes & Noble
 
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Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other "points."  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Government Contracts with Tornado Hunters
Government Contracts with Tornado Hunters

Tulsa, OK—A team of mercenaries, calling themselves V.O.R.T.E.X, is working closely with Homeland Security to combat a rash of severe weather that has been plaguing parts of the U.S. in recent months.

The group is currently staked out near Tulsa Oklahoma in a makeshift trailer park designed to lure in some of these sinister super cells. When asked what VORTEX stands for, VORTEX President, Tim Yotes, replied, "We haven’t thought of the entire acronym yet, but the T stands for tornado."

The Obama Administration claims to have hired VORTEX to fight the perception that Obama is soft on weather.

"Last time the twisters struck, I was in London," said Obama.  "I got caught with my britches down, so to speak.  Now we’re sending a strong message, FU to all those F2s."

When asked about the logic of using guns to capture or kill tornadoes, Obama said, "This group does this sort of thing all the time.  Let’s leave the tactics to the professionals."

Obama is not currently endorsing VORTEX’s second strategy, which involves a giant field version of naked twister.

"I don’t follow that one," said Obama, but he later admitted that "no options are off the table."  

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Palin Leaves Children, Dog Outside of Bar for Two Hours with Tour Bus Running
Palin Leaves Children, Dog Outside of Bar for Two Hours with Tour Bus Running

Fort Wayne, IN—Sarah Palin is in custody tonight after allegedly leaving her One Nation tour bus running outside of an Indiana bar, The Brass Rail, yesterday afternoon.  Her three youngest children and several pets were left in the parked bus in near 90° heat for a two hour period.  Palin repudiates claims the time coincided with the bar’s happy hour.

"Nonsense, the first few rounds were full price," said Palin.  "There was nothing happy about it."

The Palin’s were seen entering the Rail at 4:00 PM and police arrived just before 6:00 PM after several bar regulars reported, "There’s a big F’n bus blocking me from my F’n beer."

Police apprehended Sarah and Todd after they returned to the bus to do shots with all of the establishment’s pool and dart league members.

"American shots," said Palin, "distilled in American breweries!"

Distillery Clinton was unavailable for comment.

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2012 Palin Presidency Prophecy!
2012 Palin Presidency Prophecy! MSNBC During the Inauguration
MSNBC During the Inauguration
 
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I’m Running for President!
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee.  Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring.  My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.

Dateline: Saturday May 21st 6:00PM: World Ends
By The Crank
The Crank

Oh how I do wish it had come true. After much deep contemplation I have come to this realization—a realization aided by many pulled pork samichiz, Twinkies and Cokes. It is hard work, but someone other than Mikko has to do it. He cannot be trusted. I used to think that people whose opinions differed from mine were smart, caring people whose opinions just differed from mine. Then I started reading Mick Zano columns.

The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I hate economics.  If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are...  The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway.  I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.

Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences
Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences

Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, "Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay."  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

"This is not a joking matter," said Debra Horner. "My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter."

Most stories didn’t have such a "happy ending." Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

"He either died very happy or in sheer terror," said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. "I’m sure it’s one of the two."

"Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before," said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, "or this would have been much, much worse."

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Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon
Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon

Abbottabad, PK—In conjunction with Pakistani authorities, the U.S. Government has now released the details of the final hours of Osama Bin Laden’s life.   The Al-Qaeda leader, loving father and husband, spent his last 36 hours on this planet watching a Baywatch marathon on Pakistan’s popular Channel Two. 

Reports from Navy SEAL commandos are conflicting, however, bringing further shame to the Obama Administration.   One commando reports Bin Laden was watching episode 52, Princess of Tides, while a second thought it was the popular season five finale, Wet n’ Wild.

One SEAL was only able to report, "He was watching a TV show, somethin’ about lifeguards or somethin’."

That commando has since been relieved of his duties. 

Local Pakistanis report strange activities at the compound, which usually heightened to a fevered pitch around 8:00 PM Abbottabad time, precisely when Baywatch airs.

"He loved Baywatch and he loved David Hasselhoff most of all," said wife number four.  "But not in a gay kind of way."

Trapped in a compound with only six channels was not always easy for the Bin Ladens.  Osama felt Baywatch episodes were a little respite from all the death in his life.  After planning some sinister jihadist suicide bombing, or a terror plot against the unholy infidels, Bin Laden liked to kickback with some Cheetos—intelligence suggests he preferred the crunchy variety to the puffy kind—and then he hit those golden TV-Land beaches.  Reports suggest Bin Laden kept close tabs on Hasselhoff as to avoid "blowing him into tiny infidel pieces."  Interviews with locals suggest that just as U.S. forces raided the compound, Bin Laden was completely engrossed in the all day marathon, thus sealing his fate (pardon the pun).

Conflicting reports by commandos regarding the type of Cheetos has also shamed the Obama Administration. 

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ACLU Condemns Ocean’s Treatment of Bin Laden’s Body
ACLU Condemns Ocean’s Treatment of Bin Laden’s Body

The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh.  Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing.  The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.

"They are clearly violating his rights," said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU.  "What is the deal with the ocean anyway?  It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F--ing zoo!  These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character."

When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, "I’m glad you brought that up to the surface.  We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily.  There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh.  But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice!  Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!"

Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.

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The Discord Exclusive Sean Hannity/Mick Zano Interview!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Mick Zano: Welcome, Sean.  Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.  As most of you know, Sean Hannity is one of the biggest names on Fox News and, therefore, one of the biggest names on cable television.  You are, by far, the biggest interview I have ever landed in my quasi-journalistic life, so again, thanks.  May I kiss your rings?

FAA Bans Booze for Controllers, Recliners on Probation
FAA Bans Booze for Controllers, Recliners on Probation

Washington, DC—After several air traffic controllers have recently fallen asleep on the job, FAA head, Randal Babbitt, has set some ground rules for all of our nation’s control towers.

"No longer will alcohol or other depressants be consumed or ingested during shift parties," stated Babbitt.  "All comfy pillows, alcohol, and products containing sedating hypnotics have been confiscated and consumed at one of my house parties."

Whereas lounge chairs and recliners remain permissible, the new policy demands they must face the windows and the control panels.  However, Babbitt warned his staff on Monday, "One more ‘incident’ and they’re gone too, bitches."

When asked if he felt his measures were too extreme, Babbitt replied, "I think when several hundred people are landing in a plane, I demand at least some of our controllers are alert enough to land the fuckers safely."

Babbitt understands he needs to balance the dangers of exhaustion with the fact the job is "insanely boring, especially at some of our more rural airports."  Hookers and certain types of wild parties remain permissible, because, "Things like that will actually help keep them up," added Babbitt.  "Pardon the pun." 

When asked about issuing stimulants like crack cocaine or methamphetamine to avoid falling asleep on the job, Babbitt said, "I don’t want to fully endorse such substances at this time—at least not professionally.  Such stimulants have their place, like jammed up the ass of an international drug smuggler, but I don’t want them in my control towers, unless someone has to work a double."

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Trump’s Hairdresser Calling for Exploratory Committee
Trump’s Hairdresser Calling for Exploratory Committee

Did entrepreneur and Republican candidate, Donald Trump give the American people false information about his hair loss? Some believe he has created a hybrid-type double-weave comb-over from hell (HTDWCO). If this is true, and if he lied about it, does it have implications for his presidential bid?

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Salon, said, "If this is a cover up, it’s the biggest one in the history of politics and hairdressing!"

Hogbein believes Trump is guilty of improper follicular manipulation on an unprecedented scale. Donald’s supporters claim the Discord is literally splitting hairs (sorry, we were allotted one bad hair pun).

Hogbein, the unofficial leader of this Mirther movement and creator of The One True Follicle Theory is asking for proof, "If he’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t he just end this controversy by allowing America to run their fingers through his hair?"

Many feel Trump is a hair loss denier. Still others insist if Trump wants to remain a viable candidate for the U.S. presidency, he needs to answer this Watergatesque question, "Where does it really grow and how does he blow it?"

Ask your doctor if Republican Rogaine is right for you.

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Etrade Baby Arrested on Insider Trading Charges
Etrade Baby Arrested on Insider Trading Charges, Will he be tried as an adult?
Will he be tried as an adult?
 
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Japanese Nuclear Engineers Seeking "Expert" Advice from Springfield Man
Japanese Nuclear Engineers Seeking "Expert" Advice from Springfield Man

Fukushima, Japan—The Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has realized, if shredded newspaper has failed to stop radioactive sea water from spilling into the Sea of Japan, it’s time to bring in the big guns.  There is one notorious nuclear power plant in the Midwestern Unites States that has seen more nuclear mishaps and meltdowns than any other.  Japan is seeking a representative from this plant to think outside the partially-exploded-and-seeping box. 

A plaque on the desk of one Homer J. Simpson reads Chernobyl is for Beginners.  Simpson, a long time employee of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is believed to hold unique knowledge of meltdown situations.  The owner of the plant, C. Montgomery Burns, would like the exact location of the facility to remain secret.  Mr. Burns would also like to dispel any rumors of a connection between himself and Rupert Murdoch, the Koch Brothers, as well as the unidentified body that washed ashore at the Springfield reservoir yesterday. 

Simpson was singled out by the Japanese for being either directly or indirectly involved with every major problem at the plant for the last twenty years.

"He has experiences in this area like no other," said Akira Endo of TEPCO.  "He may hold the key."

The initial teleconference with Mr. Simpson was riddled with technical difficulties as Simpson repeatedly hit the mute button while talking and then shouted "OVER!" before releasing said button.  Once these issues were resolved the meeting was initially soured by Simpson’s first suggestion, "Did you try shredded newspapers?"

Ultimately the engineers at TEPCO were happy with the outcome of the meeting.  While the content of the conversation remains classified, a reporter was able to obtain one sentence of the notes: "Employ bird shaped perpetual-motion device to keep pressing vent button."  American nuclear scientists are puzzled by the suggestion and have no idea what it means. 

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NASA Discovers Planet Where Republican Views Make Sense
NASA Discovers Planet Where Republican Views Make Sense
 
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The Grudge Report
The Grudge Report, an ideological curse that spreads from headline to headline
An ideological curse that spreads from headline to headline
 
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Mattel to Introduce Moose Murder Barbie!
Mattel to Introduce Moose Murder Barbie!
Beverly Akerman MSc: Sarah Palin: Moose Murder Barbie Steeps at Mega Tea Party
 
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Obama Sends Fleet to Head off Japanese Radiation Plume
Obama Sends Fleet to Head off Japanese Radiation Plume
Obama doesn't want to appear weak on Homeland Radioactivity
 
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I’m Waving the Cranky White Towel of Disgust
By The Crank
The Crank

We’re all toast. I can’t argue anymore, Mikko. To paraphrase the Grateful Dead, we’re all goin’ to hell in a hand basket, but where I beg to differ with Mr. Garcia is this: I am NOT enjoyin’ da ride.  The 28 days of February saw the U.S. borrow a record 266 billion dollars. That’s more than most presidents’ YEARLY deficit!   In fact, that’s more than most of the Discord contributor’s combined bar tabs…or pretty darn close.

Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty
Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty

Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to "knee cap shots only, from here on out."

Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.

"He’s a Democrat," barked Governor Justice, "which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow."

Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is "extreme" and "unjustified."

"Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one," said Justice.

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Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called
Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the 'architect' from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

"We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled," said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, "and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest."

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

"Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople," said Murdoch.  "They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2."

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

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Egypt's Aftermath: Looters Make Off with the Great Pyramid
Egypt's Aftermath: Looters Make Off with the Great Pyramid, And didn't the Sphinx have a nose?
And didn't the Sphinx have a nose?
 
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There are No Heroes: Pox on Both Yer Budgets!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries.  No easy trick.  His new budget reduction attempt is a joke.  I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan.  This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment.  Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore;  damn.

Decision 2012, The New Face of Roulette
Decision 2012, The New Face of Roulette, I'll take barrel #4
I'll take barrel #4
 
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What Are You so Damn Proud of Real America?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America i