Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 24, 2014
OCD MEETUP GROUP TO MEET AT 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM. 7PM, 8PM, 9PM, 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM, 2AM..........(MARQUEE BUFFERING) • AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." •
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Four Flags
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to Al-Qcattle and Heffbollah
Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to al-Qcattle and Heffbollah, Netanyahu denying Israeli counterpart, Moossad
Netanyahu denying Israeli counterpart, Moossad
 
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Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him
Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him, You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
 
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While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi
While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi, And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
 
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Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016
Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016, Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
 
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GOP Frontrunner to Begin Tour With Eastwood’s Chair
GOP Frontrunner to Begin Tour with Eastwood’s Chair

Newport, KY—The GOP is still reeling from the House Majority leader’s recent condemnation of his party’s own think tanks. Republican frontrunner, Rand Paul, is now in damage control. With The GOP fast becoming the anti-intellectual party, Paul felt the need to round an important metaphorical corner. So his campaign resolved to tour with the chair that appeared next to Clint Eastwood during the 2008 Republican Primaries.

Rand Paul claims the decision to tour with the inanimate object was a "surprisingly easy one". Paul told reporters today, "What was everyone talking about after those primaries? That chair. More than anything else, folks were talking about that chair. That chair crossed political lines and captured the hearts and minds of America. More than science, more than math, more than data, we need a symbol in this country, and I believe that chair could be our next Liberty Bell, only in chair form."

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Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
 
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Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
 
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No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote That Fell Between the Cushions
No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote that Fell Between the Cushions, Sadly, the 18 Minutes of Watergate Footage recovered is too soggy to restore
Sadly, the 18 minutes of Watergate footage recovered is too soggy to restore
 
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At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds
At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds, Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
 
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Benghazi Hearings Cost More Than the Entire Secret Service's Bar Bill in 2013
Benghazi Hearings Cost More than the Entire Secret Service's Bar Bill in 2013, If we dump fiscal conservatism entirely, how much will it save us?
If we dump fiscal conservatism entirely, how much will it save us?
 
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Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was "fact-light". I know, I know...you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

Committee Calls "Mulligan" on 2014 Winter Olympics
Committee Calls "Mulligan" on 2014 Winter Olympics

Lausanna, Switzerland—After the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, The International Olympic Committee is asking everyone to return their medals as they are nullifying the results of the event. The committee hopes to still be able get in the real Olympics before the spring and they are eyeing Mt. Everest and other spots in the Himalayan Mountains as the altitude will "buy us some more time for set up before spring."

Vladimir Putin has already issued the statement that Russia will not be returning any of its medals and is threatening to shift his country’s military focus to the Russian Switzerland border.

When reminded that there is no Russia Switzerland border, Putin just smiled (an evil sinister-like smile).

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Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme Takes Net by Storm
Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme takes Net by Storm, Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
 
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A Despondent Obama Last Seen Wandering Toward Columbia Heights
A Despondent Obama Last Seen Wandering Toward Columbia Heights

Washington—Our 44th President is missing and presumed sad at this hour after his approval rating slipped below 40%. Mr. Obama encouraged the secret service to "take the night off and go get some hookers" before he slipped off the White House grounds unattended. Many fear an ego the size of Obama’s will not tolerate such a dip in popularity and that he is likely having an approval breakdown.

"I’m glad he took his teleprompter, but it’s not connected to anything," said Michelle Obama. "Without a stream of words projected in front of his face he sounds a lot like Sarah Palin on cough syrup, underwater. Although, come to think of it, this may actually help his approval ratings among republicans."

If Mr. Obama is spotted The White House recommends calling 911. Do not approach the president as he is considered to be toxic to many Democrats running in the midterms and under no circumstances say the words Benghazi or healthcare.gov in his presence.

His closest advisors are all hoping he is just blowing off some steam, like last week when he egged the Chic-fil-A over on Michigan Ave.

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Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

CPAC Run!
By Mick Zano
CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord's prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

I Didn’t Leave the Discord, the Discord Left Me: Oh, and I Didn’t Have Email
By Pokey McDooris

As it turns out email is more than a passing fad. Anyway, so I step away from this project for a moment and everything turns to hell. Speaking of hell, I called up Pope Francis and he assured me that hell does indeed exist; it's a real place, and it's very painful—even more painful than reading The Daily Discord.

Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century
Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century
 
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Benghazi Isn’t a Scandal, It’s a Cry for Help
Study: GOP Spends 60% of Time Thinking About Benghazi, Still Don’t Get It, A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
 
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Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up
Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up

Ft. Worth, TX—To the shock of many, a one-mile long train carrying crude oil from Canada to an oil refinery in Texas arrived safely yesterday. The train made the trip from Alberta Canada to Ft. Worth Texas yesterday "without incident".

The conductor, Jones Casey, said, "I was as surprised as anyone when we pulled into the station. There are several turns that I always just kind of hold my breath. But, wouldn’t you know it, the shit stayed right on the tracks this time, the whole way."

Head of the Association of American Railroads, Gomez Adams, said, "We are entering a transformative time for the railroad industry. Hell, when I use to crash trains, unless it was over a bridge or something, it was pretty dull but now I can see the resulting fireball plume from my house."

BNSF...it’s the new BWTF?

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Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values
Ticket Emerges that Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Washington, DC—Earlier today C. Montgomery Burns announced his intention to buy the republican nomination for president in 2016. Not only is the 4th richest man in the world in, but he has already picked a vice presidential running mate, Ebenezer Scrooge. When asked if he was getting a little ahead of himself, Burns said, "Nonsense, the only head of myself is a Buick-sized 14k gold replica hanging in the foyer."

Mr. Burns told reporters, "With the passing of Citizens United primaries are a formality. We currently have a Super PAC that could fund the Death Star, with enough left over for a sporty little Death Moon. Write that down, Smithers! Death Moon. Besides, who else do they have? I haven’t seen a field this empty since last week, when I released the hounds."

If you were to place the skeletons in Mr. Burns’ closet, end to end, some estimate they would encircle the Earth as many as three times, much lower than many of the other republican hopefuls.

Hillary Clinton added, "It’ll be nice to finally run against someone with more baggage than I have."

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Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 
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During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times
During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times, Oh...wait...I was watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Oh...wait...I was watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
 
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Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case
Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case, But why not pyramid shape?
But why not pyramid shape?
 
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Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!"
Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!" Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
 
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Koch Industries Acquires Umbrella Corporation and Skynet
Koch Industries Acquires Umbrella Corporation and Skynet

Wichita, KS—Koch Industries is downplaying the hostile takeovers of two major organizations. The deal to purchase Skynet, known for its ill-fated Terminator program, became a reality last week and the merger with Umbrella Corporation, known for the deadly t-Virus outbreak of 1998 and 2002, was only finalized yesterday.

Spokesperson, Cly "Mitt" Friendly, said, "Koch Industries is eager to take genetic engineering, cyborg technologies, and biological weapons to a whole new level. What could possibly go wrong?" Mr. Friendly told reporters that one of the Koch’s top priorities is to keep Skynet safe from "that meddling Connor family!"

"We plan to resume many of the important projects abandoned by the Umbrella Corporation," said Mr. Friendly, "...er, after we mop up all the unpleasantness from Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)."

CEO of Koch Industries, Charles Koch, added, "A wise fictional man from those Robocop movies once said, ‘Good business is where you find it.’ And sometime we find business in clandestine laboratories under paramilitary-style security many levels below the Earth. Besides, we already have Fox News explaining how we contained the infection."

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To Close Nuclear Deal 2-Million Iranians Must Sign up for Obamacare
To Close Nuclear Deal 2-Million Iranians Must Sign up For Obamacare

Tehran, IR—Barack Obama may well be playing softball with Iranian nukes, but he minced no words as negotiations came to a close yesterday. Iran must sign up a minimum of two million of their citizens for the Affordable Care Act or face crushing sanctions.

"This is win win," said Obama. "Iranians can be assured, not only of insurance, but of a minimum standard for healthcare. The ACA-Iran will also bring me much closer to my goal of six million enrollees by March 31st."

Republicans are enraged. Many on the right feel mandatory signups for foreigners is unconstitutional. "Iran is not America," said Ted Cruz (R-TX). "I just Google mapped it. Hell, it’s not even part of our constellation."

Texas Governor Rick Perry also voiced his concerns, "There’s three reasons this is not okay. It’s not, as Mr. Cruz said, even part our constellation. Second, Benghazi and three...."

Mr. Perry is going to get back to us.

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IRS: Incessant Republican Scandals
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter...as "fairy" dust is generally frowned upon.

Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines
Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines. Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
 
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Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should Not Be AZ’s Governor
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should not be AZ’s Governor

1. He’s Half Past Dead (2002), or is that our senior Senator?

2. He’s Chosen the Path Beyond Thought (2001). See anything on Fox News.

3. He’s got a Fire Down Below (1997)...which could be syphilis.

See All 10...
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Fast & Furious Weapons Found in Benghazi
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m going there again. Why not? At this point I’m eligible for some frequent blogger miles. We keep learning more and more about Benghazi, well, at least we learn more about the relative mental health of one faction of our society, or the World According to GOP.

Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!!
Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!! No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
 
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Is Dumb Breaking up With Dumber?
Is Dumb Breaking Up with Dumber? I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
 
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NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion Since Newtown
NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion since Newtown

The Heartland—In those predominately red states, where teachers are now packing heat, schools are finding "significant increases in the handing in of homework assignments." While bullying and other behavioral issues remain at an all-time low, better grades and participation keep rising.

Mr. Hiatt of Springfield Middle School said, "No one sleeps in my class, ever. It’s awesome. The threat of being shot in the face is really having a positive impact on overall testing performance as well."

Thirty seven percent more students are needing behavioral health and mental health support, but the NRA is calling this increase "regrettable but acceptable."

"We want firearms to simply be a deterrent," said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. "We are not looking to have kids shot by their teachers for not doing their algebra [creepy laughter], especially when nine times out of ten a warning shot will suffice. And nine out of ten is 90%. I know that because my teacher cold cocked my ass when I was learning percentages."

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Jong-Un Named As Mandela's Successor
Jong-Un Named as Mandela's Successor. In related news South Africa has stopped all the singing
In related news South Africa has stopped all the singing
 
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Sardines Complain of Cramped Packing Conditions
Sardines Complain of Cramped Packing Conditions

Bangor, MN—Sardines, a small fish in the herring family, are on the warpath—and by warpath we mean lined up in tightly regimented rows of obstructionism. Many of these scaly dissidents are protesting what they are calling inhumane conditions inside their tins.

One sardine said, "We’re packed in here like, like....um, like...uhhhhhh. I got nothin’."

"I can’t even move my flippin’ fins," said a second fish. "And I don’t think the guy next to me was properly eviscerated before he was canned, if you know what I mean."

Critics are bristling. "This is another example of an entitled society under Democratic leadership," said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. "I’ll bet Obama is going to hand them a pile of food stamps and let them all live in tin cans the size of the International Space Station. I’ll tell you who’s going to take it in the can on this one, the American tax payer, that’s who!"

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Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive From Japan for the Holidays
Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive from Japan for the Holidays, Well, it's better than what China got us.
Well, it's better than what China got us.
 
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The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Dictatorial Sitcoms of All Time

1. Despot Housewives

2. It’s Always Sunny in Damascus

3. Arrested Dismemberment

See All 10...
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Is Real News Becoming a Distraction From Benghazi?
Is Real News Becoming a Distraction from Benghazi?
 
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Palin Chugs Bucket of Hydrogenated Oil for 'Free the Trans Fats' Protest
Palin Chugs Bucket of Hydrogenated Oil for 'Free the Trans Fats' Protest

Wasilla, AK—To protest the FDA’s decision to ban trans-fatty acids, Sarah Palin arranged a defiant demonstration. To the horror of onlookers she proceeded to chug a bucket of partially hydrogenated oil. More determined than ever not to be labeled a quitter, the former Governor of Alaska finished the bucket within minutes and then joked about having a second bucket for dessert.

"I admit I didn’t know a lot about this topic until recently," said Palin, burping. "I always thought Trans Fats were those chubby men who dress like women. But now that I took the time to thoroughly understand this issue, I believe this is another attack on our freedoms. Americans should be able to decide for themselves what they should and should not eat, and if I like to slurp on a nice warm bucket of partially hydroconstipated oil then so be it."

Palin burped again before projectile vomiting all over those in attendance. "And that’s not just throw-up, folks," she said, before wiping her chin. "That’s the sweet chunks of artery clogging freedom, you betcha that is!"

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Obama Loses Insurance Due to Obamacare
Obama Loses Insurance Due to Obamacare

Washington, DC—No one was more surprised than President Obama when a letter arrived at the White House stating he could no longer stay covered under his existing insurance policy. The administration is currently scrambling to use the Healthcare.gov website to find the Obama’s suitable coverage.

The President minced no words, "I want to say for the record that if I was eligible for Obamacare my children could have stayed on my policy until they were 27, which is clearly an advantage for those 11-people who qualify."

Obama admits he spent "endless MFing hours" logged onto Healthcare.gov trying to sign up for a comparable plan, but he is confident he and his family will be enrolled by the January 1st deadline. Obama emphasized to his Secret Service staff the importance of keeping the Obama’s safe during this uncertain period and he may be forced to cancel his next 47 vacations overseas. He recommends average Americans having trouble enrolling do likewise.

The President is denying allegations he is considering the authorization of drone strikes against certain Healthcare.gov servers as well as the District of Columbia’s state exchange itself. "Preposterous," said Obama. "I am hoping the threat alone will suffice."

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Obama Offers Free Pizza With Every Healthcare Enrollment
Obama Offers Free Pizza with every Healthcare Enrollment

Washington, DC—In conjunction with the Pizza Palace, President Obama is offering a free pizza with every successful Obamacare enrollment. In light of recent cuts to the food stamp program, many in and around the beltway are calling this a brilliant move.

"The same people who had their food stamps reduced last month could really use some free pizza about now," said President Obama. "Their pain is our gain. If you enroll on the healthcare.gov website and your pizza doesn’t arrive within 30-minutes, your first year of healthcare is absolutely free!"

Republicans are already crying foul and pointing out a list of broken delivery promises.

The President countered, "Some may qualify for a free 2-liter bottle of soda with your healthcare package, but I’m not giving out west wing wild wings, or stuffed catastrophic crust plans, or free death panel deep dish pizzas. Republicans are just making shit up again. But, if you call in the next hour, you can get some crazy behavioral health bread coverage at no additional charge."

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Drone Strike Operator’s "Must Target In-laws" Manifesto Ignored
Drone Strike Operator’s "Must Target In-laws" Manifesto Ignored

Canton, OH—When a drone ended up over 1,700 miles off course and in the laps of Fred and Margret Montaigne, the Pentagon called it a "major malfunction." New facts have emerged that the exploded couple were the in-laws of the same drone operator, Major Gary Horowitz.

"I don’t think that’s a coincidence," said the Discord’s field reporter, Cokie McGrath. "A coincidence is when Bone and Zano get thrown out of the same bar, the same night, for different reasons. This is suspicious."

Army psychiatrist Dr. Sterling Hogbein admits Horowitz’s behaviors during the days and weeks preceding the incident were odd. "He would scribble Must Drone In-Laws Nicholson-Shining-style for hours on end," said Dr. Hogbein. "And each time I’d show him an inkblot, he’d say, ‘It looks like a drone targeting my in-laws. I am a drone operator, you know. This is a cry for help.’ Anyway, I don’t know how anyone could expect me to connect those dots."

When pressed further, Dr. Hogbein became defensive, "Look, no one could have seen this coming, except maybe the Montaigne’s, of course, from about mile out."

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Breaking News Into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
Breaking News Into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
More Videos...
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Hundreds of Planes Fall From Sky As FAA Allows Electronic Devices
Hundreds of Planes Fall From Sky as FAA Allows Electronic Devices

The Ground—Hundreds of planes fell from the sky yesterday shortly after the announcement from the FAA that all passengers could safely turn on their electronic devices inflight. Several planes actually crashed into Obamacare which many are calling suspicious.

"It’s bittersweet," said one FAA manager, Harry Bostwick. "It’s sad to see all those people die, horribly, but it’s nice to know we were right all those years to have people shut off their damned iShit."

The FAA claims it was under a lot of pressure "from that guy in 4C" to lift the ban on inflight electronic devices. "Eventually we were like, okay whatever, anything to shut that guy up," said Bostwick. "On a good note that guy died, horribly, when his plane crashed into Obamacare."

The FAA admits part of their reluctance to lift the ban involved a fear of losing inflight movie revenue. "It was never about safety," said Bostwick. "It’s always been about that extra two bucks per passenger for Hangover 2."

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Obamakazi: Is the ACA a Suicide Mission?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I am not all that concerned about Obamacare’s impact on other insurance companies—who suck, by the way—or of rampant socialism, or death panels, or Fox’s next paranoid-based theme of the week (FNPBTW). It’s those unintended consequences that concern me. Obama’s failure could well fan the flames of a dying political party. So to help, this site is now a portal for the ACA. Please click below to enroll at...Shit! We crashed!

Ted Cruz's Top 10 Role Models

1. That guy who flew his plane into IRS headquarters.

2. That woman who drove her car into the White House barrier.

3. That guy who voted for The Surge in Iran (he meant Iraq, God love him).

See All 10...
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Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support
Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support

Washington, DC—The White House is back-peddling after news broke that the official Affordable Care Act website does not come with Geek Squad protection. It looks like the taxpayers may now be responsible for the extra tech-support. This latest blow to the ACA’s rollout is already being considered a "major oversight" by Washington insiders.

Speaker John Boehner is furious. "Americans are now being asked to shoulder thousands of extra dollars, per hour, just to keep this job-killing-atrocity limping along." Boehner wanted desperately to add the associated lousy acronym joke (ALAJ) but could not figure it out.

"We did miss the thirty day window to add tech-support cheaply to the ACA," admitted Obama, "but the patriotic members of Geek Squad have already agreed to work for the AAA rate, which could save the American taxpayer untold gazillions. Now that we paid more, just think of the extra Reward Zone points each American is eligible for over at Best Buy."

"It’s untold because Obama won’t tell us!" said Boehner. "God forbid our AAA status gets downgraded to AA, we will have to attend those meetings every night without any guarantee of drinkable coffee."

AM radio Republicans are calling this the worst thing to happen to America since the day The Pentagon forgot to update its antivirus protection.

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On Eve of Nation's Destruction GOP Makes Final Demands
On Eve of Nation's Destruction GOP Makes Final Demands, "We want a pony with white spots! We said WHITE spots!!!" — John Q. Republican
"We want a pony with white spots! We said WHITE spots!!!" — John Q. Republican
 
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Umm, We Don’t Do Rebuttals Anymore, Crank
By The Crank
The Crank

Zano, Zano, Zano....I have attempted to avoid your political posts and your political views as they suffer from what one might call, Major Bullshit Disorder recurrent. See, I have a DSM-V too. But, really, Mikko why doth thee blog? Why? There’s so much more productive things you could be doing with your time, like American Idol marathons.

The Daily Discord Presents
Daily Discord Presents, Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time save the world?!
Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time to save the world?!
 
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Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction
Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction, God, I hope it's republicans.
God, I hope it's republicans.
 
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Remember When the GOP Just Sucked While in Office?
Remember When The GOP Just Sucked while in Office?
 
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And Now for the GOP's Next Trick
And Now for The GOP's Next Trick, You should their foreign policy repertoire
You should see their foreign policy repertoire
 
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Mr. Burnses of the World Unite Against Obamacare
Mr. Burnses of the World Unite Against Obamacare
"Next they'll want an honest day's work for an honesty day's pay."
 
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Black Parliament Member’s Dinner With Merkel Bombs
Black Parliament Member’s Dinner with Merkel Bombs, “You’re making a German spectacle of yourself.”
“You’re making a German spectacle of yourself.”
 
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Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment
Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment, Death Star downgraded to planetoid
Death Star downgraded to planetoid
 
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25 Conservatives: 37 Psych Diagnoses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why is the GOP doomed, you ask? I came across this list of the 25 most influential conservatives of 2013. At any given moment, nine out of ten of these folks qualify for my state’s involuntary psychiatric commitment process. But, on a good note, the Affordable Care Act should help cover their inpatient stays.

Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control
Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control

Denver, CO—God and the NRA are of a single voice, attempt gun control measures and face serious consequences. After two Democratic senators attempted such legislation in the Rocky Mountain state, Republicans successfully recalled them as God mustered a taste of his 40 days and 40 nights routine. The NRA rallied Colorado Republicans to recall the two Democratic senators who supported gun control and God sent a message of his own in the form of water, rocks and mud.

"I coordinated with the NRA on this one," said God. "I thought about smiting shit right away, but LaPierre over at the NRA said ‘hey, let’s wait and do this thing right.’ Not many people realize I almost added the commandment: Thou shalt not impede thy neighbor’s right to shoot shit. But, then I couldn’t think of another word for shit. Remember, I wrote this crap long before the advent of Thesaurus.com."

When asked if this was a test for an upcoming, more global, deluge God laughed, "No options are off the tablet. Look, I’m torn about ending humanity this time. I hate liberals, but I love reality television and Netflix so it’s a tough call."

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You Don’t Know Why It’s Bush’s Fault? Syriaously?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Nothing registering? The famous Foxeteer flat line?  Let me splain’. Last week England, our staunchest ally, said, "Piss off. We’re not helping." Know why they said that?  Still nothing?  Perhaps I should resort to finger puppets, or at least one finger.

Nation’s 1% Gather in Subterranean Bunker for "Holy Shit We’re All Going to Die!" Summit
Nation’s 1% Gather In Subterranean Bunker For "Holy Shit We’re All Going To Die!" Summit

Cheyenne, WY—The nation’s affluent are calling for calm today as elevators whisked the country’s disgustingly rich an estimated twelve kilometers beneath the Earth’s surface. The evacuation, which has taken place over the last 24-hours, has many of those left behind asking the question, "WTF?"

From an obviously green-screened version of the Rose Garden, President Obama assured the American people all is well. "NASA is simply conducting a test, kind of like that of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this were a real emergency, well, maybe you folks should participate too? The solar flare resulting from our sun’s gravitational shift, which scientists estimate will happen sometime tomorrow, poses no threat to life on this planet. Especially if you’re an insect or a strain of bacteria, umm, but you should probably, umm, be in a basement, or deep in a nearby cave—at least duck or something."

Barraged with questions from reporters, Obama later added, "Look, if there was any real danger do you think I would just leave my Vice President to fry? Uh...how about giving me some more time to think of something more convincing?"

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Extreme Politics: the Baghdad Bob Syndrome
By The Crank
The Crank

Now that the powers that be have determined that I no longer need employment, the few of you northwestcoasties that will actually read this will probably be hearing much more of me. Like it or not. And I honestly hope ‘not’, as that would make my time at the computer much more rewarding. Ninja porn reference omitted.

Voyager: Sends Back First Images From Beyond Solar System
Voyager: Sends Back First Images From Beyond Solar System, NASA: They raise more questions than they answer
NASA: They raise more questions than they answer
 
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Obama Leaks His Brief Syrian Intervention Plans
Obama Leaks His Brief Syrian Intervention Plans, Mr. Pickins was unavailable for comment
Mr. Pickins was unavailable for comment
 
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Discord News Is on the Air
Discord News Is On The Air
More Videos...
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Smothered in Chum Snorkling Adventures Closes Its Doors
Smothered In Chum Snorkling Adventures Closes Its Doors

Montauk, NY—The Snell Brother’s Marina extended their deepest sympathies to the Kendrick family after Doug and Melinda Kendrick were devoured by sharks in an area of the Long Island Sound known as Plum Gut. The Coast Guard and local authorities are closing the marina for what they are calling "flagrant violations of their boating and marina manual." The ill-fated honeymooners marked the 111th and 112th death since the marina opened last month.

The Marina’s manager, Aaron Snell, told the Discord, "We thought if we smeared our customers in snapper heads and entrails, they would get to really appreciate some of the larger, majestic sea life in this region." Mr. Snell later added, "Incidentally, we weren’t wrong."

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Fox News Mini-Series: Our Shrinking Deficit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Okay, maybe not. The right is ignoring the fact our deficit has reached pre-collapse levels. Actually there’s two important numbers, the deficit as compared to GDP and our overall debt. The first you won’t hear mentioned on Fox News and the second you won’t hear mentioned on MSNBC. But if current projections hold true, what will Fox News focus on then? Hint: it rhymes with Hi-Dumb-Deployment.

Obama on Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals
Obama On Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals

Washington, DC—To deal with the ongoing sequester cuts to the Defense Department, Barack Obama suggested they downgrade their main headquarters to a quadrilateral, something in the rhombus family.

President Obama told Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, "It doesn’t have to be a square. Some of the quadrilateral shapes are quite intriguing.  Besides, you would never even notice unless you were flying over the Pentagon and who does that? It’s a permanent no fly zone. And you can keep calling it the Pentagon, who understands geometry anymore?"

Hagel suggested the President stop growing medical marijuana in the Rose Garden and "get real".

An angered Obama replied, "Name one time when we needed all five walls of the Pentagon, Chuck?! I looked through all the history books and I couldn’t find one time. Hell, we could have done the downgrade right after 9/11 and saved tons on reconstruction costs. Would you rather I say pick a branch of the military to close? In that case, my vote would be the Old Navy. Those commercials, yikes."

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Say It With Me Republicans: Re-Trac-Tion
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The IRS "scandal" lives. Sorry, I seem to get totally sucked in every time I approach the GOP’s non-event horizon (a Barack hole?). This time I demand a retraction! Dear Fox Newsers, no one ever "refutiated" the IRS’s targeting of the Tea Party, aka, you’re new evidence is not new. But the other findings from the IRS investigation are relevant. Our next term is confirmation bias.

Putin: “I’m Only Gay With the Clergy”
Putin: “I’m only gay with the clergy.” Deluise: “Sure, and I’m da Pope.”
Deluise: “Sure, and I’ma da Pope.”
 
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Vlad the Unfriender
Vlad The Unfriender

Moscow, RU—Only minutes after the White House announced they would not be attending September’s scheduled mini-summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin unfriended Barack Obama on Facebook. Only hours before the social site snub, Putin posted, "Some people act like my friends, but they’re really not my friends. You’ll know what I mean soon!"

The White House did not officially comment on the unfriending or Putin’s decision to change his profile picture to a pair of mocking ass cheeks, but, hours after Putin’s actions, Obama tweeted, "Someone, who we will call Glad-I’m-queer Poopin, thinks I care if we’re friends or not on Facebook! ROTFLMAO!!!!"

Many feel these two world leaders are simply blowing off some much needed steam, but others fear these social site shenanigans could escalate.

"Sure Putin and Obama have unfriended one another," said the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "but neither have yet to permanently block the other. Such an act could trigger a virtual cold war that may even shatter their LinkedIn partnership, which has implications for both of their future employment opportunities. Let’s pray these two at least keep sexting in private."

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GOP Moving More Conservative? Whaah?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Moving further right? And here I thought some of the Foxeteers were starting to Google words like insight and reality. Oh wait, that could get you on the terrorist watch list. The good news is this: a shift to an even more radical conservatism means they will never hold power again. In that case, proceed Governor.

Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds
Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds

North Pole—As the North Pole turns into a giant frigid pool of water, Santa Claus is furious with the White House for ignoring his ongoing plight. Santa told reporters today, "The Land of Misfit Toys is underwater and it’s high tide over at my main workshop. Obama bails out everybody except the guy who brought him a train set for this 11th birthday. What a douche. F the polar bears, I’ve got elves up to their eyeballs over here...which, granted, doesn’t take much."

Santa Claus is threatening to suspend all Yule time activities until Obama agrees to unilateral talks with Kringle Inc. The soggy old elf is also threatening to do a spot on Fox News. "This is all part of the liberals’ War on Christmas and, what makes matters worse, my workshop was never insurable in the first place because it was built on an ice floe. I know a bunch of insurance company personnel who are getting coal in their stockings this year. Clean coal, of course, I don’t want to lose more ice."

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Remains of Last Republican Politician Who Made Sense Discovered
Remains Of Last Republican Politician Who Made Sense Discovered. Kidding. He was clueless too.
Kidding. He was clueless too.
 
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Cruz Dismisses Talk of 2016 Presidential Run
Cruz Dismisses Talk Of 2016 Presidential Run, "Sorry, I have a lot more F-d up things to do in the Senate first."
"Sorry, I have a lot more F-d up things to do in the Senate first."
 
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Should We Clone Moderate Republican DNA?
Mick Zano

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

#1 Putin Critic Freed
#1 Putin Critic Freed...and he's been given a generous head start
...and he's been given a generous head start
 
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I Hope Michele Bachmann Retires in AZ!
I Hope Michele Bachmann Retires In AZ! Then we’ll be like the band BTO: Bachmann, Brewer, Over Palin (we just have to work on the acronym)
Then we’ll be like the band BTO: Bachmann, Brewer, Over Palin (we just have to work on the acronym)
 
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Cuban-Whistle Crisis: Was Snowden on Plane to Cuba?
Cuban-Whistle Crisis: Was Snowden On Plane To Cuba? "It better be an airport with an F-ing Starbucks!" —Ed Snowden
"It better be an airport with an F-ing Starbucks!" —Ed Snowden
 
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PolitiFact Stock Tanks on News of Bachmann's Retirement
PolitiFact Stock Tanks on News of Bachmann's Retirement
 
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Palin Family Celebrates 4th Reenacting Native Americans First Arrival at Ellis Island
Palin Family Celebrates 4th Reenacting Native Americans First Arrival at Ellis Island
 
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Lame Stream Media Ignoring Debunked Obama Scandals
Lame Stream Media Ignoring Debunked Obama Scandals

Washington, DC— The cover-up conspiracy continues as the IRS scandal evaporates into thin airtime. Granted, a link has yet to be established between the White House and the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, but who knew the IRS could be such assholes to people? That’s certainly news, or at least news-ish. A group of people who declare war on taxes remain surprised by the subsequent increase in attention and audits. Shocking!

"And what about Benghazi?" said John Q. Republican. "I haven’t heard it mentioned in weeks, despite the fact the State Department botched the lead up to the event, by ignoring imaginary warnings, then spun the next day message through fancy verbiage, and then lacked the magical hindsight to go back in time and save those people. I never thought I would say this, but Bill Maher is right, why didn’t we deploy Iron Man?"

Conservative groups remain livid that liberals don’t even consider Benghazi a scandal, despite the fact people died, in Libya, which almost never happens...er, except in every corner of the country almost constantly.

President Obama added, "And I want to apologize to the American people. Let me be clear, I had no business using legally legislated tools to combat the War on Terror. It’s inexcusable to spy on Americans after we all approved this shit years ago.  From this point forward, I will continue to read all of your emails but vow that I will no longer comprehend them. Not only is this more constitutional, it should be a nice segue to a Republican president."

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Snowden Killed By Meteorite
Snowden Killed By Meteorite

Moscow, RUS—The official story from the White House is that a six inch meteorite broke through the atmosphere and landed on the head of Edward Snowden at an estimated 30,000 mph. The security personnel transporting him were luckily uninjured as shortly before the strike, they all needed to go to the bathroom.

Critics of the administration are crying foul, believing this was a deliberate drone strike ordered by the White House. President Obama told critics, "People are killed by space debris all the time. Why I myself was almost struck by a piece of Skylab while I was growing up in Kenya. The trick is to know when to duck and Mr. Snowden apparently didn’t."

The White House has warned the general populace that targeted meteor strikes are likely to increase in the future due to the effects of both global warming and Republican obstructionism.

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Freedumb
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Only three days after my post entitled Scandal Quest, wherein I discussed the only significant White House scandal, President Obama caved faster than a Bourne Ultimatum Jenga match. Sorry to drone on about this, but do you know why Obama is addressing my concerns? (Hint: they’re real.) Do you know why he’s not addressing the GOP’s concerns? (Hint: they’re not.)

Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels
Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels

Dem-mess-cuss, Syria—President Barack Obama is pleased to announce the organizers of his infamous Mexican gun-running program are slated to replace his Syrian Humanitarian Initiative Team. He now plans to directly arm the Syrian rebels and will support them as part of operation: How Assholes Pushed the President to Effin’ Nuke Syria.

Effectively immediately, Operation S.H.I.T. will be replaced by Operation H.A.P.P.E.N.S. The U.S. military will play a more direct military role: "Which has worked out so well in the past," explained Obama. "When we start arming the Syrian rebels, I am confident these weapons will not fall into the wrong hands....um, or at least our agents on the Mexican border won’t be effected."

Many on team Obama feel the decision to choose sides in a thousand year old Muslim religious conflict sounds like "great fun" and Vice President Joe Biden added, "What could possibly go wrong?"

Many are concerned this action will tank our still fragile economic recovery. President Obama told critics, "Look, I know this is a dumb idea, but domestic and international pressure demands I do something stupid.  If you want our foreign policy to start making sense, start deporting neocons. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a muzzle on Bill Clinton once in a while."

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Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends
Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends

Hong Kong—In an unprecedented twist to an already difficult situation, former CIA employee and whistleblower, Edward Snowden, is releasing all of his personal emails to-and-from several former girlfriends.

"I am not a hero," claimed Snowden. "I just hate some of those skanks. People need to know the shit I had to put up with. I think some of them actually enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others...the bitches."

John Q. Republican added, "Look, if this was during a republican administration the release of government secrets would be treason, but a man uncovering shit we made possible while a Democrat is in the Oval Office? ...hell, that’s heroism. I want to make that clear. We spent a lot of time constructing this double standard, which we hope will one day traverse the entire southern border of our country, you know, to keep out the spics and the wetbacks."

The Daily Discord supports Snowden’s efforts and bumper stickers are now available on our website, such as Snowden Will ShowDem! and Hong Kong Stoolie! Available for only $19.95 plus shipping. Remember, you’re not a real American if you don’t purchase one today. Void where prohibited, but watch those public indecency laws.

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GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal
GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is in a critical political condition today as doctors are concerned the group strained something while linking Obama to the IRS scandal. This, in the wake of their recent Honduran scandal-factory collapse, has all but ended the party’s hopes for an impeachment summer.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said, "The IRS scandal is real, which means if a plausible bridge can be constructed between the IRS and the Obama Administration, we would have enough blood flow to our penises that an ER visit may become necessary for some. Look, we have a lot of pseudo scandals that no one really understands. Getting louder and being repetitive is helpful for our batshit base but, let’s face it, the only other real scandal—that NSA/AP stuff—well, crap, we made that stuff legal long ago. So if we can’t pin the IRS scandal on the donkey, it’s going to be back to the Glenn Beck drawing board for the lot of us. And, frankly, I’m done sniffing the Sharpies for this party. Sure it helps generate a scandal but the associated rebound headaches suck."

Glenn Beck was unavailable for huffing.

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Michelle Obama’s Heckler Added To Terrorist Watch…
Michelle Obama’s Heckler Added To Terrorist Watch…Never mind; drone strike successful
Never mind; drone strike successful
 
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If I Had a More Powerful Telescope, Amy...
If I Had a More Powerful Telescope, Amy...We could see all the way to the GOP base
We could see all the way to the GOP base
 
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George W. Bush Climbs Rubble in Bangladesh
George W. Bush Climbs Rubble in Bangladesh

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.  

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, "I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!"

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere...well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!

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Obama Linked to Irish Potato Famine of 1845
Obama Linked to Irish Potato Famine of 1845, "We are not ruling out Obama's role in the blight of 1690" — Mitch McConnell
"We are not ruling out Obama's role in the blight of 1690" — Mitch McConnell
 
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Obama Smacks Baby, Drops Pants, and Screams Allahu Akbar!
Obama Smacks Baby, Drops Pants, and Screams Allahu Akbar!

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama delivered a speech today republicans are calling a brand of Nixonian Marxism not seen since Jimmy Carter—which, granted, doesn’t make any sense. Obama swaggered up to the teleprompter with a martini in one hand and the Communist Manifesto in the other and sung the Canadian national anthem in Kenyan. That’s not what disturbed people; he wasn’t wearing any pants.

"For four years I’ve read about my imaginary scandals," slurred Obama. "I read headline after MFing Drudge headline about atrocities I never got around to committing. I was well behaved, bitches! Since I’m not running again, shits about to get real. From here on out I’m going to wiretap shit, drone strike shit, and even drone strike shit while I’m wiretapping shit. Remember, this was all made possible by patriotic people such as yourselves."

Obama laughed, "Oh, and It was my idea to have the IRS target Tea Baggers. They’re kind of douchey, so it seemed fitting. And as for Benghazi, yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies...glitter and MFing bunnies, people!" The President then threw up a little bit.

"Okay, I admit they don’t really like us much. But they have their reasons. I am the President of the United States after all, so I personally have to bang most countries economically up the ass every morning before breakfast. It’s on my agenda. As it turns out, they don’t always like that. Heh, heh. Your turn Americuh’. Ask not who you can screw for your country...oh, and I have a drea...I mean, a drone!"

The Obama Administration plans to start handing out KY Jelly with each tax form, which they feel will help "the process" in something they’re calling Operation Lubrinflation.

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Let's Combine Nationalism, Religion, and Propaganda!
Let's Combine Nationalism, Religion, and Propaganda! What could possibly go wrong?
What could possibly go wrong?
 
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“Why is the President afraid to use the word terrorist?” --Dennis Miller
“Why is the President afraid to use the word terrorist?” --Dennis Miller, Um, maybe he’s too busy killing them?
Um, maybe he’s too busy killing them?
 
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W Says Jeb is the Man for 2016
W Says Jeb is the Man for 2016, Because nepotism has worked out so well in the past
Because nepotism has worked out so well in the past
 
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A Victory for Gun Owners or for Gun Sellers?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

Conservative Legacies: Just Say No
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What are we to make of the likes of a Ronald Reagan or a Margaret Thatcher? We have trouble understanding what happened in yesterday’s news cycle, let alone decades ago. For instance Thatcher headed the Inquisition and started the Black Plague, while Reagan was most known for implementing alternate-street-parking here in the states, right?

Holder Reveals Plan to End 2nd Amendment
Holder Reveals Plan to End 2<sup>nd</sup> Amendment

Washington, DC—Attorney General, Eric Holder, admitted today how Obama plans to end 2nd Amendment rights in this country forever." He later clarified, "The 2nd Amendment is the one about guns, right?"

 Barack Obama is fast becoming furious with his Attorney General as he "wanted this to be a surprise."

Holder said, "New York’s Mayor Bloomberg already initiated Phase 1 of the operation by banning large soda drinks. During Phase 2 he will ban all chewing gum because, let’s face it, kids stick that shit in all kinds of places they shouldn’t."

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath interrupted him at this point to thank him for that last sentence, which she explained could easily be taken out of context with hilarious consequences.

"Phase III, which arbitrarily changes to roman numerals, expands these bans nationwide," continued Holder. "For phase IV, which we haven’t decided whether or not will stay in roman numerals yet, will make it illegal to own gum of any kind. Once Phase IV is in the books we are only one pre-mediated typo away from taking everyone’s gun.  They won’t know what hit them. We’re calling it Operation Smith and Wrigley."

When asked about our founding fathers’ vision, Holder said, "They didn’t have good vision. They had those shitty little wire glasses. How could they have foreseen where kids would be sticking their gum these days, let alone our Phase 4? Besides, Republicans can’t spell. This is going to be like taking candy from a Bubba."

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Republicans Look to Return to a Simpler Time
Republicans Look to Return to a Simpler Time. Don't worry, they say it can't be more than 6,000 years.
Don't worry, they say it can't be more than 6,000 years
 
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The Republican Scandal Identifier Kit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like...well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

GOP Reveals Vision For Upcoming Budget Negotiations
GOP Reveals Vision For Upcoming Budget Negotiations, Beats their "Deliverance" version
Beats their "Deliverance" version
 
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YES, I Realize the Media is Going Down the Shitter…
YES, I Realize the Media is Going Down the Shitter…but Fox has already reached the ocean
But Fox has already reached the ocean
 
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The Darker Corner of The TwiRight Zone
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

GOP Denies Collapse Of "Conservative Intelligentsia"
GOP Denies Collapse Of "Conservative Intelligentsia", "Hell, we don't even know what that means"
"Hell, we don't even know what that means"
 
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Zano Says It’s Time For Simpson-Bowls!
Zano Says It’s Time For Simpson-Bowls! And the "Free Eric Cartman Now" Committee
And the "Free Eric Cartman Now" Committee
 
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Furious Over Hack-usations, China Demands Obama’s Social Security Number
Furious Over Hack-usations, China Demands Obama’s Social Security Number

Washington, DC—After the White House pointed the finger at China after a rash of recent cyber-attacks, the Asian country nearly wet itself with rage. Upon changing, China’s President Xi Jinping immediately flew to our nation’s capital to confront our President.

President Jinping, initially very cordial, peppered President Obama with questions, "That is a lovely dog you have there. Is he your favorite? My mother’s maiden name was Chen, what was your mother’s maiden name?"

When they finally decided to meet in the Oval Office, Jinping said, "Those are beautiful flags by your desk. In elementary school I had to make a Chinese flag. Incidentally, where did graduate from elementary school?"

When the conversation turned to the recent wave of cyber-attacks plaguing some of our government agencies, Jinping said, "We would never attempt such a thing on our American allies. We are highly offended! But, if you scribble your birthdate and your social security number on this paper, we’ll give the whole thing a miss."

Obama later told the press he hasn’t been this angry since the Pentagon let their Norton subscription expire.

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Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist
Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist

Washington, DC—No Defense Secretary nomination has ever been filibustered in the history of our nation, yet today that seems a very real possibility for nominee Chuck Hagel. The former Republican Senator has disgusted both sides of the aisle with his subversive views on Israel and gays...and especially gay Israelis.

Hagel told the Discord today, "I really need this job. I’m old and it’s hard to get a job at my age. I don’t want to have to choose between my food and my medication, not when I could be killing and torturing people all over the world."

Hagel offended the gay community with one flamingly insensitive statement back in 1873.

"I just don’t want my fabulous ass drone-striked," said the Discord’s Chief LGBTQ Correspondent, Dave Atsals. "If I’m on anybody’s watch list, I want it to be because of my ability to accessorize."

Meanwhile, Hagel has lost Republican support for comments he made about the "Jewish lobby" and for his failure to recognize the genius that was the Iraq War.

After his nomination grew more highly contested by right and left, Chuck Hagel discussed the decision with his friends and family and decided to....well, it’s in the title. "I originally hoped to commit this act while handing over sensitive Benghazi documents, but my wife thought that would have been over the top," said Hagel.

Mick Zano had this to say, "Having watched the confirmation hearing, the fact Hagel had to answer a series of questions that have no rational connection to our nation’s defense was great fun! But, what’s going to happen when the last intelligent Republican is chased out of their tent? Oh, wait...never mind."

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Jindal on Republican Stupidity Crusade!
Jindal on Republican Stupidity Crusade! Proposes Operation GOP/GED
Proposes Operation GOP/GED
 
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Felonies Mar Stewart's Secretary of Interior Confirmation
Felonies Mar Stewart's Secretary of Interior Confirmation

Washington, DC—President Obama is standing by his decision to nominate Martha Stewart as Secretary of the Interior. Obama feels despite her criminal record, she would be "the perfect person for this sort of thing."

Republicans wasted no time condemning the choice at the confirmation hearing. "The President is making light of an important cabinet position. He’s flaunting his power again. He always does something totally ludicrous and then somehow we Republicans always end up looking stupid," said House Speaker John Boehner before falling down a flight of stairs and onto a cocktail sauce-filled waiter’s cart to the backdrop of canned laughter.

Other questions from Republican Senators ranged from, "Could a southwestern theme work in the Lincoln Bedroom?" to "what are you doing later?"

Republicans are also calling Obama’s nomination of the X-Men’s super-villain, Magneto, to head the Department of Energy "reckless" and "other synonyms for the word reckless."

Senator Lindsey Graham added, "If Obama wants to nominate super evil people for government posts, they had better at least have been Fox News Contributors at one time. For instance I hear Dick "Dick" Morris is free now."

Dick Morris was unavailable for bullshit.

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Information: Why We No Longer Get Any
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Here’s what makes me crazy! ...well, besides my diagnosis. During any given news cycle some source article or another somewhere on the web is immediately translated into something resembling political pink slime (PPS).  This new version of reality is then disseminated through Fox News, AM radio and any number of social sites for the purpose of perpetuating an easily dismissible false narrative. An example? How about: Godzilla Sighted Near Coastal City shows up on Twitter as Is Obama Weak on Radioactively Enlarged Reptiles?

I Have a Teleprompted Dream!
I Have a Teleprompted Dream!
 
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Inauguration Day's Star-Spangled Bummer
Inauguration Day's Star-Spangled Bummer

Washington, DC—Inauguration Ceremonies for our forty somethingth President was apropos for a once great nation in decline. For many the highlight was seeing deceased actor Leslie Neilson taking the stage with Christina Aguilera for the singing of our National Anthem. Neilson, still not entirely himself since his death in 2010, waved stiffly to the crowd before shouting, "And don't call me Shirley!" When the cheers finally abated the two preceded to butcher the Star-Spangled Banner.

"At one point I was singing the second verse and she was singing the third," said Neilson. "You can't plan for that sort of thing. You just feel it in your groin and you go with it. And then later, when your groin stops hurting, you just laugh your ass off until your groin starts hurting again."

When someone asked if Francis Scott Key was spinning somewhere in his grave, Nielson smiled and said, "I'll let you know."

Aguilera then took the mic and said, "I am so honored to be here on the same day when such a great black man was finally silenced."

A confused hush fell on the crowd after her statement—the hush was only broken when the jumbo screen finally zoomed over to Miss Teen USA 2007, who said, "The U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and stuff."

Then as Barack and Michelle Obama finally made their way to the podium, Kanye West fought his way through throngs of guests and secret service agents alike before saying, "Yo Obama, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but that Mormon guy had the best campaign ever! He should be President!"

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The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
By Mick Zano
The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
Mick Zano

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever...well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies
Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies

Moscow—In an attempt to appear even more ruthless, Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken it upon himself to end the lives of kittens and puppies all across Russia and beyond. Putin told the press today his decision to end America’s chances to adopt Russian children did not go far enough.

"I wanted to really show people and their pets who is boss," said Putin. "I am so sick of placating little children and little animals. In the KGB I used to get to torture people, on the clock so to speak. Assad gets to mow down his own people over in Syria and even the U.S. has enhanced interrogation techniques over in Guantanamo. What do I get? Bupkis. That’s a good Russian word stolen by the Jews! It means jack shit."

Putin spent the last several weeks going from town to town obliterating animal shelters with a Russian Black Eagle tank. The animals that were not killed by the collapsing buildings or the tank’s deadly treads were gunned down by mounted machine guns. "I hunted them down like dogs, literally," said Putin.

For phase III of Project: Putin’s Package Overdrive the Russian President plans to comb his country’s schools in the hopes of bullying children. "I would swipe their glasses off their noses, throw them to the ground, and step on them," said Putin. "Then I would knock the books out of their hands and stick their pocket protectors down their pants. And let me assure you, the KGB wedgie is the worst wedgie of all."

Putin is currently denying allegations the recent rash of "Old People Tipping" occurring throughout Russia is part of his diabolical scheme to appear manly.

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Joe Biden Wrestles Water Pistol From Child's Hand
Joe Biden Wrestles Water Pistol From Child's Hand, "The journey of a 1,000 weapons begins with that little shit who squirted me."
"The journey of a 1,000 weapons begins with that little shit who squirted me."
 
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Republicans Discovered on Galaxy NGC-922
Republicans Discovered on Galaxy NGC-922, It's the one waaaaay to the right
It's the one waaaaay to the right
 
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Denny’s CEO: No Hobbit Meat in Our Grand Slam Breakfast
Denny’s CEO: No Hobbit Meat in Our Grand Slam Breakfast

Spartansburg, SC—CEO of Denny’s, Miller Johnson, is denying allegations that hobbit meat has turned up in several of his restaurant’s menu items. Many fear the illegal use of hobbit meat in any food product has willfully been ignored by key administrators. A whistleblower, ironically a dwarf named Borinaxe Whistleblower, believes the Denny’s organization is using Hobbit meat to augment their already prominent vats of pink-slime-filled products.

Denny’s is on the defensive and their President is currently denying any and all such allegations. Mr. Johnson told the press to "shove it in their hobbit holes" when he was questioned about the main ingredient in his Shire Sausage skillet.

Johnson told the press today, "There is only one Denny’s in New Zealand that is under investigation at this time. You can’t hold me responsible for the wrongdoings of one of my stores! We have a shireload of them, though I have never actually counted. I have people for that. Look, I try to conduct on-site inspections whenever possible, but this store is, like, millions of miles away! I would have to gather a fellowship, some collection of wizards and warriors, and march to blah, blah, blah. Look, I want to get to the Bilbo…er, to the bottom of this as much as anyone. Besides, hobbit meat is all stringy. You would have to slather it with condiments and syrup, which is what we recommend for all of our products. Why don’t you turn this media attention back where it belongs, to that Papa John’s asshole? I hear his "everything pizza" has levels of ringwraith the FDA finds totally unacceptable. Talk about stringy meat. Nothing like a thousand year old dead king on your everything, eh? Not to mention if you’re stuffing a slice in your face and manage to get a ring, yikes. At least we use plump, juicy little…..sorry, miles away."

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Fox & Hagels: The Anti-Semitic Sandwich
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

The Wrong Remains the Same
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

Gun Used by Border Patrol Agent Government Issue
Gun Used by Border Patrol Agent Government Issue

Sierra Vista, AZ—Drug mule Manuel Garcia is dead, the drugs he was smuggling into the U.S. have been burned, and, perhaps even more disturbing, the weapon used to gun down Mr. Garcia was issued by the U.S. Government. Friends and neighbors describe Garcia as a competent drug runner, who was a good neighbor and family man, except during shootouts.

One neighbor claims shoot outs were rare. "He usually tried to keep any gun fights before 11PM. He was that kind of guy."

Attorney General Eric Holder said, "I don’t know how this could have happened, because I don’t know a lot of stuff about things, which is why I am so shocked every time I watch the news."

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath had this to say, "Every day we hand thousands of guns to people who continue to shoot at other people. Border agents, cops, even some glorified mall cops are packing serious heat. When is the madness going to stop? Besides, there were people counting on that methamphetamine. What are they supposed to do now, make it in their basement? Yeah, like that’s going make our neighborhoods safer."

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"Food Stamp Challenge" Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs
"Food Stamp Challenge" Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs

Newark, NJJersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. "This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies," said Bolden. "Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!"

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. "That is utterly ridiculous," said Booker. "I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week...hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything...for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop."

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GOP's 'Fiscal Cliff" Negotions Start Where They Should Have A Year Ago
GOP's 'Fiscal Cliff" Negotions Start Where They Should Have A Year Ago, Waking from a coma isn't easy...
Waking from a coma isn't easy...
 
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They're Still Heading for the Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity?
They're Still Heading for the Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity? INCONCEIVABLE!!
INCONCEIVABLE!!
 
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Opinions on Politics by a Non-Voter
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Well, finally this election bullshit is over. You people give me a goddamn headache. As if it remotely matters which puppet we elect. Remember: Whoever you vote for, a politician wins. Pleasant dreams.

The GOP: Time to Hide the Silverware
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up...usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

Pentagon Cyber Attack Immanent as Nation’s Norton Subscription Expires
Pentagon Cyber Attack Immanent as Nation’s Norton Subscription Expires

The Pentagon—Our nation’s Defense Department is in peril after an ordering glitch has left hundreds of key desktop and laptop computers vulnerable to cyber attack. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta is also concerned about potentially damaging malware and spyware. Norton Internet Security 2012 apparently changed the amount of times the critical software can be downloaded per purchase. Panetta maintains Norton failed to notify the Pentagon of these important changes.

During a joint press briefing, Panetta said, "Our situation is dire. We thought we purchased enough antivirus for all of our computers, but our calculations fell well short of the mark. We also had at least forty instances of people not writing down the registration code on the disc itself. We have procedures to keep this from happening, but they were ignored. It’s why we give everyone in the Defense Department a Sharpie. It’s not so they can sit at their desk and sniff ‘em. This isn’t the F-ing State Department for f^&%’s sake!"

Panetta believes the amount of porn he personally downloads each day opens the doors wide open for the potential hacking of a number of sensitive files.

"I didn’t sign onto this job to give up midget porn," said Panetta. "Midget porn first, country second. I don’t think that makes me unpatriotic. And don’t even get me started on lesbians. Really, I wouldn’t do that."

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Pardoned Turkey Linked to Terrorism?
Pardoned Turkey Linked to Terrorism?

Washington, DCAs part of a long standing White House tradition, President Barack Obama pardoned two turkeys earlier this week, but this year the story triggered a chain of convoluted events. The turkey pardoned last year was euthanized only a few days ago, which many are calling "suspicious". Now, no one knows the whereabouts of this year’s pardoned turkeys.

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said, "We know one bird is dead and the other two absconded. There is thus far no known link between these events. The missing pair did not ‘pop a cap in the ass’ of the other bird, and they are not terrorists. The dead bird was named Peace. I have never ordered a drone strike on someone named Peace, or Joy, or Paradise."

Panetta would not discuss the other missing birds, which has led some scandal-happy republicans to extrapolate. Radio anti-personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, "These turkeys should not have been pardoned. Look, if someone kills and eats everyone else in your family, are you going to be friendly to that country? What was Obama thinking?"

Congressman Trent Franks (R-AZ) said, "These turkeys are obviously Muslims and follow Sharia Law. Just look at the picture! That bird is obviously wearing some type of veil. I can’t even see its beak. I believe we’re facing an avian threat greater than H1N1, and Obama has unleashed its wrath on America!"

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann added, "Do you think it’s a coincidence Obama allowed a breeding pair of Muslim extremists to just waddle out of the White House? This is an intelligence failure on par with…what was that other shit we made up last week?"

Other theories from the Republican Senate involve the Muslim Butterballhood, a group of alien human hybirds, as well as, our personal favorite, the allegation that one turkey sexted the other, less talked about twin from the Petreaus scandal.

President Obama assured the press, "If those turkeys do anything to harm anyone, the cluck stops here."

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Scandals: No One Expects the Outlandish Inquisition!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love the Republican version of a scandal. "When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him...yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!" I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

Some of the Magic We Missed
Some of the Magic We Missed, Romney tells neighbor his fav justice pick
Romney tells neighbor his fav justice pick
 
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A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
By Pierce Winslow
A Kidnapped Hitchhikers' Guide to the Electoral Multiverse
Pierce Winslow

Set the Way-Back Machine to the end of the Clinton years, a time of great prosperity, where we find an interesting juncture. It was a time when some quirk of fate sent us down the path to the dark side. As a green prophet once told us, once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. It’s sort of like, once you go black you never go back. In our case, the downfall all started with, of all things, a cigar. Let Freud wrestle with that one.

Obama to Kick Off Lame Duck Session with More Golf and Drinking
Obama to Kick Off Lame Duck Session with More Golf and Drinking

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration admitted they are already giving up. President Obama told the press today, "Congress has seized like an ‘87 Yugo engine coming down from benzos and alcohol. Since there is no chance of reaching a deal with these crazy people, I have 18 holes of golf scheduled for the first 90 days of my 2nd term."

President Obama added, "At the 18th hole there’s this Tavern on the Green, where I will transition to my evening schedule, which involves doing the people’s work."

Press Secretary Joseph Gibbs later explained the expression is a euphemism for "drinking heavily".

"There’s nothing I can do without a supermajority," continued President Obama. "They are going to block my proposals, my Judge nominations, my mojo, so I’m getting drunk! Then, after the first and only action of my 2nd term, I’m getting stoned!"

Obama admits he feels helpless to stop the fiscal cliff nuggie, the double-dip wedgie, but is even more concerned about this "Greenspan swirly thing" he heard about over on The Discord.

"Can I call a mulligan?" said Obama. "Hell, I’m already at McMulligan’s, so we can call it a theme day? Four!"

As for the President’s comments on a double dip, George Costanza was unavailable for comment.

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Sandy vs Marilyn
Sandy vs Marilyn
 
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Rove V World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

Romney Wins in Alternate Reality!
Romney Wins in Alternate Reality!

Parallel, DM—Governor Mitt Romney is claiming victory today despite losing the Electoral College. After the Romney camp failed to concede the election, the scientific community made a stunning announcement. Many scientists think the Grand Old Party is now officially a self-contained separate dimension. A solely Republican universe has been forming since around circa 2002, but today this bubble of non-reality has finally broken off entirely from all we know.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Massage, believes, "The GOP universe is now a separate and distinct reality, coexisting parallel to our more conventional universe. The election results are the single event that finally severed these two distinct realms."

Scientists are concerned this parallel world is based on non-Euclidian mathematics as well as something Dr. Hogbein calls "quantum idiocy", which could pose a real threat to our own dimension.

President of the Political Physicists Ass., Dr. Karl Fagan, added, "There’s a real danger here. Fictons are the particles that comprise this Republican dimension, and if these fictons come into contact with atoms from this dimension, it could make the Big Bang look like a librarian’s fart."

Dr. Hogbein agreed, "And not even a very big fart. Indeed, now if someone reaches across the aisle in either the House or the Senate, it could end the world in a single monstrous flash of energy—regardless of the content of the bill in question!"

The Discord staff feels that would be very sad. We think those Mayans deserve a crack at it. After all, they’ve been waiting around so long for this moment. Damn Republicans.

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GOP Ramps Up Their "War on Halloween"
GOP Ramps Up Their "War on Halloween"

Parsippany, NJ—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—or should we call him the Bergermeister Christieburger—cancelled Halloween this year. Many feel it is all part of a systematic effort by the GOP to end the last vestiges of a once proud pagan tradition. Christie is blaming the superstorm Sandy on his decision to call off all trick-or-treating for his state. Critics claim there is no evidence to suggest the majority of the "garden" state couldn't have easily participated in the festivities.

Caving to the wave of Pagan unrest, Christie immediately tried to console the angry heathen mobs during a press conference. "Don’t worry, pagan peeps. Halloween will simply be rescheduled for Monday November 5th," said Christie.

"November?!" questioned one Wiccan woman from Weehawken. "That's sacrilege! Would Christians postpone Christmas? The dead have one day to rise from their graves and taunt the living, All Hallows Eve. This dates back to the earliest Celtic and Knickerbocker literature. Last time I checked, orchestrating the inter-dimensional transmigration of souls is not part of the Governor’s job description."

The head of Pagans for Irreligionistic Polytheism (PIP) said, "Cancel it?! WTF? There’s plenty of debris to float over to your neighbor’s place. This could have been the best Halloween ever! Could you imagine the fun our kids could have had climbing over piles of gnarled tree limbs and dodging downed power lines? Not to mention they could still find bodies! This could have been flippin’ epic."

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Happy Halloween from the Discord Staff!
Happy Halloween from the Discord Staff!
 
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Romney’s Barrage of Ambiguous Bullsh*t Bolsters Brainless Base
Romney’s Barrage of Ambiguous Bullsh*t  Bolsters Brainless Base

Boston, MA—The Romney campaign believes its recent senseless, tangential, and often circular arguments have reinvigorated his supporters. Romney had compared Obama’s foreign policy to Jimmy Carter’s, but then endorsed each of the President’s policies during the last debate, with one notable exception.

"If I ever host another Olympics, Russia’s not invited," said Romney. "And China is going to be charged a higher entry fee than any other country. They’ll have to bow to me before we even let them go hurling!"

His campaign manager later explained that he meant curling.

As for his seeming foreign policy reversals, Romney said, "You remember my work at Bain Capital, right? I simply tailored those tactics to a debate format. I initiated a hostile takeover of Obama’s policies. I purchased them wholesale, loaded them with manure, and then bankrupted his positions in front of millions of independent voters."

A member of the Obama Administration is flummoxed by Romney’s erratic behavior. "It’s not optimal hearing the word flummoxed used by anyone in my campaign," said Obama, "especially so close to the election."

In response, Romney said, "If he doesn’t understand me, then he doesn’t understand America. This is not about obfuscation, because, frankly, most of the people who support me aren’t going to know what that word means. This is about a clear and decisive attempt to muddy the waters before the election."

Muddy Waters was unavailable for comment.

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The Tea Party
The Tea Party
 
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Romney Pledges to Increase Taxes for Nation’s Homeless
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—In an unexpected move, the Romney campaign announced its intension to be the first administration ever to levy a tax on our nation’s homeless. Romney claims to have a five point plan to save America, or at least the nicer, Mormon friendly parts (MFP).

The 2nd Presidential Debate:
The 2nd Presidential Debate: Not as good as Brokefact Mountain
Not as good as Brokefact Mountain
 
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Obama Admits to Cough Syrup Abuse
Obama Admits to Cough Syrup Abuse

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama admitted today he was high on Robitussin during the first presidential debate last week. His campaign is now scrambling to spin this story as best they can.

Obama told the press today, "Now I realize I let a lot of people down last week, but there are several reasons for my transgressions. One, I prepared for the debates while robotripping and it’s been proven through a psychological phenomenon called ‘in-state memory’ that I would remember more of what I learned back on the goods for the debate. Two, I did have a slight cough that day, which might account for the first two bottles. Three, my team is diligently working on a third reason, but I can assure you it will be incredibly convincing and should close the book on this case."

The Obama campaign maintains drinking several bottles of cough medicine is much safer than the Nixon-Kennedy White Out sniffing debates of 1960—to say nothing of the Bush-Gore bath salts debacle of 2000.

"Not many people realize Gore tried to eat Bush’s face off after their first debate," said Obama. "Now I’m not trying to make light of my actions, but other presidents ingested some crazy shit back in the day. I, unlike some of my predecessors, am trying to get high safely and responsibly."

The Obama Administration is also standing by their claim the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 involved whiskey, mescaline, and inhaling an early form of furniture polish smuggled in on their handkerchiefs.

"Just sayin’," said Obama, "that was some crazy ass shit."

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Romney to "Clean Up" Sesame Street
Romney to "Clean Up" Sesame Street, Will the Count lose his castle? "I'm 1, 2, 3 payments behind mwah, hah, hah."
Will the Count lose his castle? "I'm 1, 2, 3 payments behind mwah, hah, hah."
 
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Replacement Refs to Moderate Next Debate!
Replacement Refs to Moderate Next Debate!

Danville, KY—After completely losing control of the first presidential debate on Wednesday, moderator Jim Lehrer will be replaced by one of the National Football League’s recently laid off referees. Although the name of the finalist is not known at this time, the Commission on Presidential Debates is hoping to appoint "that asshole who F-d up the end of that Packers' game."

A key member of the Commission’s board of directors, John C. Danforth, told reporters, "The NFL’s replacement refs are now currently unemployed and replacement is already in their names, so they were the obvious choice."

Skeptics think this may be the worst idea since SNL’s Land Shark hosted the 1976 Debate, wherein the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, Walter Mondale, was partially devoured in front of nearly 70-million horrified viewers.

When asked about replacing the most prominent presidential moderator in recent history, Danforth added, "Look, could you imagine if Lehrer loses control of the VP debate next week? Just picture Joe Biden making Bill Clinton look like Marcel Marceau!"

When asked who the hell is that, Danforth replied, "I don’t know any other mimes or mute people so...wait, wait, that fat director guy who was kicked out of that plane! Silent Rob!"

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Romney Lowers Expectation for Debates, Election, Bedroom Performance
Romney Lowers Expectation for Debates, Election, Bedroom Performance

Salt Lake City, UT—Mitt Romney told the press today, he didn’t expect to be able to answer any of the questions accurately in the upcoming presidential debates as, "They will not give me a transcript of the questions ahead of time." Also, the Romney camp fears the mediator is not likely to focus on issues that concern real Americans, like freedom, or birth certificates, or rampant socialism."

Mr. Romney also believes he will likely lose the election this November, but hopes to help the GOP hold onto the House and win the Senate by "not saying anything to anyone ever again."

On a side note, he told the press, "And I’m not likely to maintain my mojo in the bedroom. Keeping my wife satisfied without the aid of those little blue pills is becoming an increasing concern for Ann and me." When asked if that was a joke, he replied, "For those who question my current sense of humor, yes, but for those who might vote for me out of pity then, no. Oh, and have I mentioned how much I care about poor Hispanic people? Please relay to your readers how I transitioned to my concerned face."

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Prince Charles’ Copycat Streaking Causes Outrage, Nausea
Prince Charles’ Copycat Streaking Causes Outrage, Nausea

London, Eng—In some misguided attempt at youthful exuberance, Prince Charles, not to be outdone, stripped down to his family jewels and bolted through downtown London yesterday. This copycat stunt comes in the wake of Prince Harry’s Vegas shenanigans and Princess Kate’s Paparazzi-style topless photos.

Prince Charles told reporters, "It seems the Royal Family is on a bit of a streak, heh, heh. Why should young people have all the fun? I’m sick of the "Dirty" Prince Harry jokes and the Duchess of Shamebridge nonsense. So I decided to do a little saber rattling myself, nudge, nudge. I thought about jumping in the Thames naked, but it’s rather thick this time of year. Then I considered riding my horse naked through the city, but then I thought ‘too Lady Godiva’. That’s when I came up with the idea to just go on a jogging naked barcrawl kind of thing."

When asked if this constituted proper behavior for a Prince, Charles said, "I am the naked man formerly known as Prince. Besides, Big Ben’s got nothing on me, bitches!" He then continued his awkward jog west toward a structure now referred to as IntheBuffingham Palace.

Her Majesty the Queen was unavailable for comment as she is scheduled to bungee jump from Tower Bridge, er...you know.

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Romney Holds Moment of Silence for His Presidential Aspirations
Romney Holds Moment of Silence for His Presidential Aspirations

Salt Lake City, UT—After watching every national poll sink to new lows, Republican nominee, Mitt Romney, held a press conference today with some of his friends, family and select members of the lame stream media. After Romney’s facial expression flip-flopped from a smirk to a frown to a sneery kind of sob, he asked those gathered to bow their heads with him in silence.

"Dear Lord," he said, "I tried...I tried to do what was right for our lobbyists, I mean our capitalists, I mean our denizen, citizens! That’s it, citizens. Heck, I’m just glad I didn’t say parasites this time...SHIT!!!!" Romney then menopaused, paused. That’s it, he paused, before continuing, "I love this country, especially the parts I own, and I just wanted to give everyone a chance to serve...wait, to see the true spirit of vulturism, I mean autism...umm, altruism..."

The Romney campaign later clarified he meant entrepreneurialism and also argued his comment later in the speech about most Americans being "homeless scum" was taken completely out of context.

Those who attended the press conference were struck with the realization that he really doesn’t have a personality or a policy to speak of. Whereas his ‘Mitt Rominee’ joke did muster some laughs, a hush quickly fell on the crowd when he announced his new Vice Presidential running mate, Groucho Rubio.

The Romney campaign later corrected it to Marco Rubio and stated this was not a flip flop. "Mr. Romney just thought he could have more than one Vice President," said his campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. "He kept insisting he could afford several. But I can assure you, the Mittinator understands he can only choose one VP per election. After all, Pawlentamy isn’t legal...er, polygamy."

Come on! That was our first Mormon/polygamy joke, work with us here!

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Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified
Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified

Tampa, FL—The Daily Discord’s para-abnormal research team poured over thousands of photos and images of Clint Eastwood’s infamous address at last week’s convention. Using the latest para-abnormal equipment, also known as Photoshop, our team has finally discovered who Clint was talking to that night.

The Daily Discord is 99% sure Mr. Eastwood was addressing, Clyde, the orangutan from that Any Which Way But Loose movie from 1978. Clyde died under mysterious and possibly violent circumstances shortly after the sequel in 1980, Any Which Way You Can totally ending any chance for the next movie, Any Which Way to Make Money. There’s nothing like a Warner Brothers movie with allegations of animal cruelty. You should have seen what they did to Bugs Bunny every Saturday morning. His catch phrase "What’s up Doc?" began as he regained consciousness each morning in various Southern California hospitals.

But why Clyde? Is Mr. Eastwood still unable to cope with this tragedy? Does Clyde still blame Eastwood for his death? And, perhaps more importantly, does the death of such a primate still constitute an irreparable loss to Republican Party strategists?

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has evidence the GOP is collaborating with Mr. Eastwood on a third installment to this important series, Any Which Way But Truth.

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Umm, What Are You People Selling Exactly?
Umm, What Are You People Selling Exactly?
 
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Rebutt! The End is Nigh!
By The Crank
The Crank

Please let me preface the following article by stating that I may not be writing this whilst in the best of moods. The Crank’s humble domicile has experienced a water issue of biblical proportions. I am writing this after three days of industrial wind machines 24-hrs a day, cats locked up in solitary, bitching constantly as they tend to do, a spouse asking "when will it be over?" as incessantly as a kid on a car trip asking "are we there yet?" So forgive me in advance.

Dozen More Injured During Reenactment of Empire State Shooting
Dozen More Injured During Reenactment of Empire State Shooting

New York, NY—Midtown Manhattan was once again ablaze with gunfire as several police offers opened fire on pedestrians today outside of the Empire State Building. NYPD is claiming the tragedy started out as a mock reenactment of the recent shooting on August 24th.

NYPD chief, Ray Kelly, told the press, "We don’t know why all of our officers had live ammunition. They were supposed to be fitted with blanks prior to the exercise. This time we were lucky. No one dealt a fatal blow to the officer playing the role of the gunman. Actually, he was never hit. And, thank God, the other 12-pedestrians suffered only minor injuries."

When asked about the three critical injuries, Kelly said, "I have requested to only be briefed on the minor injuries, because I’m having a bad enough day already."

When asked why one officer kept firing into the crowd at random for "what seemed an eternity" to witnesses, Kelly said, "There’s always going to be one guy who really gets caught up in the moment and keeps mowing down innocents until someone taps him on the shoulder and brings him back to reality. Luckily, my guys can’t shoot for shit. We can only hope we shot some assholes today. There are, in fact, a lot of assholes in New York, so, statistically speaking, we probably shot some today."

NYPD is postponing their 9/11 reenactment and their 64 Harlem Riots reenactment, pending a full investigation.

"Well, we might go ahead with the riot," said Kelly. "It’s Harlem, lot of assholes out there."

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God Gives GOP a "Time Out"
God Gives GOP a "Time Out"

Tampa, FL—God is reportedly "very unhappy" with Republican values, which he feels have reached almost oxymormon levels. "That’s not a typo," said God. "It’s a Romney Mormon joke, heh, heh. That one killed ‘em in Nazareth. No, I’m sick of the GOP. They’re getting what they deserve."

Tampa Mayor, Bob Buckhorn, feels God is "raining on his parade" and demanded God send Moses to part the hurricane’s tidal surge, so this important convention could proceed as scheduled. Buckhorn also added, "Stop being such an omni-buttinsky!" and later, "Why don’t you say that shit to my face, bitch?!"

God responded with a targeted storm surge that swept the Mayor and his family out to sea, where they are presumably damp.

God said, "Look, I turned Isaac west. This was more intended as a warning shot across the bow kind of thing, or a time out. I didn’t want to derail the entire convention, but maybe shorten it a bit. You have to understand, I’m omnipresent, so I have to sit through this entire fucking thing."

When asked about dropping the F-bomb, God said, "I’m also omnipotent so by definition I don’t make retractions." Then God recited an excerpt from what he called the Gospel of Isaac. "God will show no mercy!"

Biblical scholars believe God meant to say the Gospel of Isaiah, and he kind of reversed the meaning of the original quote a bit.

God reiterated his ‘no retractions ever’ policy using five of George Carlin’s Words You Can Never Say on TV...quite creatively. He then warned if the GOP didn’t "wise up", he would make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a Snooki tirade.

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Prince Harry and Rep. Yoder to Swim Amstel Naked!
Prince Harry and Rep. Yoder to Swim Amstel Naked!

Amsterdam, NL—Congressman Kevin Sea of GaliWeewee Yoder and Prince Isn’t it Supposed to Stay in Vegas? Harry plan to double down on their recent antics. The pair is scheduled to meet in Amsterdam over Labor Day weekend to kick things up a notch. After imbibing heavily on the Blood of Christ, Rep. Yoder plans to strip to some reggae music outside of the Anne Frank Museum. "Oh, and I have an announcement," said Yoder. "Where better to come out of the closet, eh?"

Meanwhile, Prince Harry is planning an English style pub-crawl that will culminate at the Space Cake cart over on Blitzedbuggerstraat.

Rep. Yoder told the press today, "It’ll be like in the Wonder Twins. We touch rings, we say, ‘team drunkenness activate, form of nakedness’. It will be kind of like that, only way cooler."

At the designated hour, the two will rendezvous at the Heineken Brewery, strip off their clothing, and then dive into the Amstel River to the cheers of adoring fans. EMTs will be standing by as the Amstel River makes New York’s East River seem like a Poland Springs’ commercial.

"No one is going to even know who Lady F-ing Godiva is after this stunt," said Prince Harry.

Her majesty, the Queen, is forbidding the young Prince to participate and the GOP is warning Yoder that he may take increased criticism from his Kansas constituents.

Prince Harry replied, "Piss off! The Queen will let me out of the Tower of London by Labor Day, guaranteed. See you in space cake land, Yoder!"

Rep. Yoder added, "Look, no one in Kansas is going to elect a Democrat. I could get high on meth one night and dig up Reagan and I’m still a shoe-in."

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Romney Palin 2012
Romney Palin 2012, See? The GOP really hasn't learned a fucking thing.
See? The GOP really hasn't learned a fucking thing.
 
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Semi-Unified Conspiracy Theories
By The Crank
The Crank

There’s a lot going on today and with our media tanking it’s time we learned the truth! Conspiracy theories are rampant, yet what are we to make of the Age of Misinformation? The Daily Discord has paid me handsomely to get to the bottom of several of the leading stories of our time. I, The Crank, found most of the loose strings of a generation and tied them into a nice little bow. On that note, I could really use that case of Coca Cola now, Mr. Winslow. It would be better for everyone if it arrived soon…

Regime Change at Penn State!
Regime Change at Penn State!
 
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God Angered By Obamacare Ruling!
God Angered By Obamacare Ruling!
DC plunged into darkness
 
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King’s Correction, "Why Can’t We All Just Get a Loan?"
King’s Correction, "Why Can’t We All Just Get a Loan?"

Rialto, CA—Rodney King’s lawyers have released startling statements from his last will and testament. The man known for sparking the 1991 L.A. Riots and for his inability to fend off LAPD—or swimming pools—amended his famous statement, "Why can’t we all just get along?" to "get a loan."

King allegedly wrote, "You see, my wife and I had shitty credit at the time and no one was lending us any money. So we needed a loan." King later failed to correct his misstatement with the press because, "It became popular, so I just kind of went with it. I never did get that mother f***ing loan."

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Police Department is suing The Daily Discord for our marquee joke earlier this week:

After battling for survival since 1991 Rodney King finally succumbs to his injuries.

We would really like to retract that, but...on second thought, we would like to dedicate it to LA’s finest.

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Occupy the Tea Party
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s absurd what’s happening today, and not just because of my last post about the Facebook Nazis. We are in dire straits, folks, and, Mark my words, I have had a Knopfler. (The Sultans of Swing Voters?) Sorry. Half our country can’t motivate and the other half probably shouldn’t. The Occupy movement remains rudderless and the Tea Party has charted a clear and exact course toward some jagged rocks.

Cost of War in Iraq: $1 Trillion
Cost of War in Afghanistan: $2 Trillion
Cost of War in Iraq $1 Trillion, Cost of War in Afghanistan $2 Trillion, Dismantling the al-Qaeda network for the price of about 57 Drones, priceless
Dismantling the al-Qaeda network for the price of about 57 drones: priceless
 
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Edwards Admits to his Friends, his Family and the World How He Really Wanted to Nail Juror Seven
Edwards Admits to his Friends, his Family and the World How He Really Wanted to Nail Juror Seven
 
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Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered!
Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered! Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
 
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Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa
Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa

Athens, GR—The final insult to a once proud civilization came today when Angela Merkel of Germany downgraded Greece to a countrytoid. The Prime Minister formally kicked them out of the EU and with a word banished the lot to Northern Africa. Germany is funding the €27 billion project to have Greece towed south across the Mediterranean Sea.

Merkel told the world today, "I did not come to this decision lightly, but it’s kind of like when you are in a division we’re each night your team gets pummeled. Once in Northern Africa, Greece will find itself winning some games, at least comparatively. And, if and when they earn their first €27 billion, we will be happy to reconsider their EU application and the logistics of their return trip."

The Greek President, Karolos Papouplias, warns that the God Zeus is prepared to come to his country’s aid.

Zeus later denied this claim, "Look, I generally like to turn into an assortment of animal forms and hump some mortal women now and again. That’s pretty much my whole itinerary these days."

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In the Mail Today
In the Mail Today
 
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Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour
Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour

Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, "Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font."

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, "She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta."

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. "I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’"

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. "Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle," said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, "Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?" Gingrich replied, "Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big."

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Obama Dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf...
Obama dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf, replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
...replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
 
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Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
By Mick Zano
Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he...). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen
Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen

Lexington, KY—State Representative Ted Harkins (R) told reporters today, "We are losing the war on allergies and this new ‘March Bloom’ is the last straw." Harkins later told reporters he’s allergic to straw as well.

Representative Harkins, known for his anti-pollen legislation, was also the first to coin the term Microgametophytic Fascism. He believes if his sneezing fits continue, he will lose the next election and an important General in the War on Pollen will be silenced. And by silenced, he means intermittent sneezing, coughing and sobbing.

When asked if the early bloom had anything to do with Climate Change, he said, "No. Global Goreing is just a liberal distraction. Tree hugging socialists are just the types the pollen hordes want in power. Look, pollen is plant sperm. Plant sperm in our noses! It’s the world’s flora attempting to hump the whole blooming planet! Nostril sex is an abomination."

In the name of fiscal conservatism, Harkins proposes ramping up the defoliation of the main offenders across our state and national forests.

"Plants, trees, grass, and those MFing flowers must go," said Harkins. "As the Bible tells us, we were here first and they’re no longer welcome. If I’m reelected I will use all of our state’s resources to eradicate all things green and hay fever evoking."

When asked about signing Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge, he said, "No problem. We can fund this project entirely by defunding everything else."

"Harkins has my vote," said one person, who’s in no way fictional. "We shouldn’t be forced to spend our lives in urban areas, avoiding city parks like the plague. Of course, I can’t go into parks anyway after the ‘incident’ but it’s the principle."

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Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria
Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria; Why are their Secretaries so Angry?
Why are their Secretaries so angry?
 
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Cheney's Doctor Speaks Out on His Controversial Operation
Cheney's Doctor Speaks Out on His Controversial Operation
 
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Gingrich Vows to Campaign on Future Moon Base
Gingrich Vows to Campaign on Future Moon Base

Moon—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, estimates Earth’s future moon base will consist of millions of registered Republicans. The former Speaker has sealed a deal with mogul Richard Branson to start his campaign plans along the lunar surface.

"My journey begins after the last delegates are tallied in Tampa, so I will have the jump on the 2040 nomination," said Gingrich.

Gingrich has already foreseen many of the problems of this new colony. "As Pink Floyd tells us, there is a dark side to the moon so a wall must be constructed to segregate those seedier space types from the common decent hard working American colonists. This will surely become a key issue to the moon people of the future."

Gingrich is working closely with NASA engineers on specs for the first interplanetary pipeline. "This ginormous structure will suck and send all of the moon’s resources back to the Koch Brothers...er, I mean Earth."

Gingrich believes 52 delegates may be at stake in this ever important contest. "The moon will likely become a key battleground satellite and, once we terraform Mars, I will be the first politistronaut to greet these intrepid Americans and address their galactic needs."

Gingrich is already concerned both the moon and the Martian financial systems will be tied too closely to the government. "We can not allow our solar system to become a Soros system. We must prepare now to win the hearts and minds of these brave new cosmic capitalists."

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Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
By The Crank
Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
The Crank

When I knew I was leaving Lawn Guyland, I visited my long time dentist for the last time. This man had done all my dental work since the early Reagan Administration. My union dental coverage had purchased him numerous fine German and, later, Japanese cars over the years. He used to say that when I came into his office, he could hear the revving of new engines instead of air drills.

The Discord Caption Contest Winners Are:
The Discord Caption Contest Winners Are:
Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape (C. Heston)
It’s said her balls grew 10 sizes that day (Dr. Seuss)
Right idea, wrong finger (The Crank)
 
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Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
By Mick Zano
Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
Mick Zano

In hindsight, comparing John Boehner to Don Quixote isn’t very fair to Mr. Quixote. But what’s the GOP attacking now? Why are they so afraid? Even when they aren’t in power, they’re the story....a sad, sad story, yet an ever-evolving one, or in their case devolving. Look, don’t fear a reasonable amount of competence...it’s INcompetence you want to avoid. See how easy that was? Now you try to think of...just kidding, like that would ever happen.

Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?
Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition...if he had any."

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack "would only stir the hornet’s nest."

"Who knows how they will retaliate," said the Discord’s Mick Zano. "We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns."

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. "For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List," said Zano.

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Dingo Did Not Take Baby: Age Old Mystery Solved?
Dingo Did Not Take Baby: Age Old Mystery Solved? Focus of investigation now on this man
Focus of investigation now on this man
 
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New GOP Frontrunner Land of the Lost's Chaka!!
New GOP Frontrunner Land of the Lost's Chaka!! Slogan 'Yes Chaka Khan' under copyright scrutiny
Slogan 'Yes Chaka Khan' under copyright scrutiny
 
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Rick Santorum: It Takes a Sweatervest
 
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The Liz Cheney Interview: Brought to You by the Makers of Nexium
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I live in a very red state. The move was quite volitional, kind of like when I pick at a scab, or order nuclear wings, or luge naked. Yes, I’m a luger, baby, like that song. It may just be a coincidence, but I can’t get MSNBC on the telly anymore. Lately my remote skips from CNN to Fox News. True story. I’m sure this has not been orchestrated by my Governor, Jan Brewer, as I have seen both my cable company and Mrs. Brewer in action, first hand, and neither of them could pull off something this sophisticated.

Newt Gingrich Concedes Race and Endorses Younger Newt Gingrich
Newt Gingrich Concedes Race and Endorses Younger Newt Gingrich

Cincinnati, OH—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, told reporters today he is conceding the race and will stand behind a younger less baggage-heavy version of himself. Gingrich’s handlers claim the move came after he started flinging his own feces at a group of Romney supporters yesterday while on the campaign trail in Cincinnati.

"Not only do we need a base on the moon," said Gingrich, "we need time machines that can access temporal wormholes for the sole purpose of allowing politicians, like me, to step back in time and avoid the pitfalls they would later regret."

The older Gingrich plans to drop out of the race and spend more time with some of his families. Meanwhile, the younger version promises to resume the fight with new vigor "right up until the convention!"

Gingrich believes no one with any character can pass the scrutiny presidential hopefuls all face. "This is not about me. This is about getting the best presidential candidate in place to beat Barack Obama next year. I am that candidate, or I will be that candidate through some heavily funded temporal trickery."

Gingrich also explained how the "construction of this fantastic machine will create real jobs for real Americans." He finished his speech by calling himself the Once and Future Ging and then compared himself to Mother Teresa, Ronald Reagan, and that guy from Stargate...before he started flinging more feces at some nearby Romney supporters.  

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Brewer Queen of the Desert
Brewer Queen of the Desert
 
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Republicans STILL Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate
Republicans STILL Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate, This headline is as valid today as when we wrote it...427 debates ago
This headline is as valid today as when we wrote it...427 debates ago
 
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Is Gingrich Practicing his 'Knock Out' Campaign Promise on Lesser Dems?
Is Gingrich Practicing his 'Knock Out' Campaign Promise on Lesser Dems?
 
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Cruise Captain Burns Down Home During House Arrest!
Cruise Captain Burns Down Home During House Arrest!

Rome, IT—Francesco Schettino, the Captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, is being sought in connection to the fire that consumed his own apartment in Rome Monday. The incident completely torched the 17-unit apartment building in which the Captain was recently confined, pending a full investigation of his recent cruise ship tragedy.

After cooking a Franco American product for dinner, Schettino told the press, "Mistakes were made. I don’t usually cook for myself. I have people for that."

Local authorities claim, Capt. Schettino immediately called the Judge in the Concordia case and said, "The building, she is ablaze!"

The Judge ordered him back into the flaming structure and questioned why he didn’t call the Italian Fire Service first. Capt. Schettino said he tried to, but had already tripped out of the fire escape and landed in an alley dumpster, where he spent the next 45 minutes trying to find his cell phone.

"So whose cell phone are you using to call me?" asked the Judge. Schettino responded with a crackling noise as if he was losing the signal and then hung up.

Capt. Schettino allegedly tried to follow the judge’s order by reentering the building, but somehow jammed his recently recovered cell phone into the base of the lobby’s revolving door, trapping several dozen egressing tenants inside of the burning structure. Authorities claim Schettino did manage to set off a warning flare that only served to set fire to a nearby building. The Captain later admitted, "Flares seem to work best over water."

The controversial Captain also denies sailing the apartment building too close to the rocky shoreline on a request from the women in 3B. "That’s just silly," said Schettino. "And, as for the fire, it could not have been prevented. The fire extinguisher malfunctioned and shot a white powdery substance right into my face."

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One Percenter Donates $7.5 Million to Repair Washington's 'All Seeing Eye'
One Percenter Donates $7.5 Million to Repair Washington's 'All Seeing Eye'
 
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Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
By Mick Zano
Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
Mick Zano

Many are mortified how well right wing radical, Stephen Colbert, is polling in the South Carolina Primary. He’s holding at 5%, polling considerably better than John Huntsman, who since stated, "I might as well join the f*^%ing Peace Corps." Some feel this comedic surge may eventually shift Colbert into the position as the anti-Romney candidate. These same folks feel this eventuality could change life as we know it forever!

2011 The Discord’s Person of the Year
By The Crank
The Crank

Representative Anthony Weiner, or ex-rep anyway, embodies all that is wrong with the world in a nutsack—er, nutshell. Do we remember any legislation he was responsible for writing or passing? No. Has he left the world a better place? No. Did he respect the office? Well, maybe the TV show.

Obama Falls Behind on White House Mortgage Payments
Obama Falls Behind on White House Mortgage Payments

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama admitted during a press conference today that the recent rumors are true: the Obama Administration has fallen behind on its mortgage payments. However, the President is adamantly denying claims he and his family will be forced to move out of the White House and into the audio visual room at the Library of Congress.

When asked how this happened, Obama did not blame his own economic team, but instead pointed the finger at his predecessor. "You would think this bitch would have been paid off centuries ago, but old W did some kind of reverse mortgage thing that botched everything up," said Obama.

Rush Limbaugh immediately defended our former President. "Obama can’t blame Bush on this one. He has been in that house for three years. This is his mortgage and he needs to take responsibility for his own financial failings."

Ironically, Obama does not qualify for any of his own mortgage relief programs. "They suggested I fall behind another couple of payments before even applying," said Obama. "Who dreamt this shit up?"

When asked if he planned to move his family into the Jefferson Memorial, Obama said, "Too drafty. There are some good rates over at the Watergate Hotel in Foggy Bottom, but I could just see the headlines now."

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DON'T TAUNT DR. EGO!!!!
DON'T TAUNT DR. EGO!!!!
 
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Bachmann Hires North Korean Criers After Stunning Loss in Iowa
Bachmann Hires North Korean Criers After Stunning Loss in Iowa
 
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The Alan Colmes of Facebook and the Comment Thread from Hell
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following was originally an 85-post comment thread. I rarely got a word in edgewise, but a few inconvenient facts ruffled some Foxeteer feathers, right on cue. What was really funny about this dialogue—which spanned three hours and completely interrupted my pornography download session—was the fact that I was the only non-Foxeteer in the virtual jungle. I am the reason this became an 85-post thread from hell. And I’d do it again…

Cain Funds Time Machine in Effort to Not Grope Women in Past
Cain Funds Time Machine in Effort to Not Grope Women in Past
 
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Belgium Downgraded to Countrytoid
Belgium Downgraded to Countrytoid

Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.

"This could not have happened at a worse time," said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.

One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, "That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!"

The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.

"It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government," responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. "So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain," said Merkel, "but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses."

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Uh Oh, looks like that 1% has an expiration date
Uh Oh, looks like that 1% has an expiration date
 
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Stunning Volcano Spews Hot Air and Lava Miles into the Air
Stunning Volcano Spews Hot Air and Lava Miles into the Air
 
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Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate
Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is struggling with its own identity as they may well lose the 2012 election, despite a toxic economy not seen since their guy. They really haven’t been able to narrow down the field to that one candidate who will best bring about the rapture.

"We lost Trump, Beck, and Palin," said radio talk show personality, Rush Limbaugh, "anyone of whom is unstable enough to meet our needs. Then came Perry, because we thought, hmmm, only a swaggering Texan could pick up where W left off."

To the horror of the GOP, Republican candidates are imploding right and righter.

"It’s not so much their gross lack of understanding of foreign and domestic policy," said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. "That’s part of the GOP’s charm, but they’re clearly underachieving in the ever-important ‘I-would-like-to-have-a-beer-with-you’ likability scale."

"They’re just not BBQ friendly," said Limbaugh. "Perry would lose track of the conversation and then probably vomit on you. Cain would immediately start to demean and grope all of your women folk and Michele Bachmann, hell, if her anti-psychotics dip below the therapeutic dosage, she’ll be grilling your pets!"

"We despise Ron Paul for being way too correct about stuff years ago," added Hannity, "and Newt Gingrich only scores well on the ‘I-would-like-to-dump-a-beer-on-your-head’ dickishness scale. So it looks like we’re forced to go with the flip-flopping, magic underwear-wearing moderate."

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What We All Can Agree On
What We All Can Agree On
 
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Mission to Be Accomplished for Real
By The Librarian
The Librarian

In accordance with his campaign promise in 2008, President Obama has announced that he is withdrawing all American troops from Iraq by the end of this year, an amazing feat. I would expect the whole country to give him a standing ovation – were I delusional.

RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
By The Crank
RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
The Crank

On Tuesday, October 25, 2011, the last of the United States B-53 bombs was dismantled at the PanTex Nuclear Arms assembly and disassembly plant in Amarillo, TX. A holdover from the cold war, this minivan-sized terminator of all things living or dead, or just ‘Fat Bastard’ to its dissemblers, was about 600x as powerful as the Hiroshima bomb. Amarillo was the obvious choice to mess with this thing, seeing as how no one would notice if said bomb exploded there.

Conviction Change is Real!
Conviction Change is Real!

Wolfeboro, NH—Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney warns of the stark realities of conviction change. He told the Daily Discord earlier today "‘Global conforming’ is most likely influenced by the voting activities of man. I understand how the sea levels, I mean deceive levels are clearly rising across the Tea Planet as the world grows increasingly warmer, I mean fodder," said Romney.

"Endless 24-hour news cycles impact the hot air emanating from my mouth," explained Romney. "A host of contradictory atmospheric conditions near and around the neococoon can greatly impact my views on any given topic at any given time."

Romney told reasonable Americans, in Pig Latin, how he has every intention of changing many of his positions back to sane ones, "Just as soon as I win the Republican nomination, I will make sense again," said Romney. "But until then I am forced to drink from the Cup of Stupid."

Many are concerned, this very real ‘global conforming’ phenomenon could continue to impact his actual stance on abortion, global warming, immigration, healthcare, and the need for tax revenues to reduce deficits over the weeks and months ahead.

"Look, I need to say I believe a whole host of ridiculous things to get the Republican nomination," said Romney. "Have you seen my base? They are further out there than that Branson guy’s new space station. Oh, but can you translate that into Pig Latin before posting?  Thanks."

In related news, the Foxeteers claim to be close to breaking the Pig Latin code.

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Making Fun of These Royals Means Prison or No Lunch Specials for a Lifetime
Making Fun of These Royals Means Prison or No Lunch Specials for a Lifetime

Bunghole, TH—King Bumahole of Thailand is holding a Thai born American citizen, Joseph Gordon, on charges of criticizing the local royals. Do you know what we did, right here in the good ol' U.S of A, with our Royals? We banished them to Kansas friggin’ City!

Until this man is released, the Daily Discord is prepared to boycott all Thai restaurant menu items with a spicy index below two and above four. OK, this number changes a bit from Discord contributor to Discord contributor. But this is what we call solidarity. Actually, it’s about as solidaritous as we get around lunch time. Hey, a fake journalist has to eat too.

We would now like to spend the rest of this article making fun of King Bugger-something. Oh, and we have a message for our Commander and Chief, two words...predator drone. We don’t really mean that... It would be a waste of a perfectly good predator drone. Hey, did you know that where we’re from, 'to Bangcock' something is anatomically impossible? Maybe you should rename the place after yourself, Bumahole, or whatever the hell your name is. Oh, but seeing as you’re an asshole, a predator drone might just fit...with some proper lubrication. We’re kidding! No lubrication for this asshole. I’m going to Dara Thai right now and not ordering something too spicy, or not spicy enough in protest.

We have just heard the Discord’s Chief Thailand correspondent is missing, again.

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Eric Holder's Amazon Purchases Hacked!
Eric Holder's Amazon Purchases Hacked! At least he bought some Anne Rice porn too.
At least he bought some Anne Rice porn too.
 
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I Said I Wasn’t Going to Read Zano’s Post, But, Alas, I Did
By The Crank
The Crank

Mikko, I usually forgo reading your diatribes because, well, your diatribes are no longer funny. I don’t like being sad, and you make me sad. Sad is the opposite of funny. I’m sorry, but it’s true, ask anyone. Oh, that’s right…to ask someone you’d have to be on speaking terms with them. Sorry, I forgot the whole "Zano no longer exists in our world" pledge we all took here at the ‘cord.

Planting the Seeds of Discord and Unintended Consequences
By The Crank
The Crank

Einstein once said for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction*. One smart, hairy Jew, that E fella. Sometimes, a reaction occurs that wasn’t foreseen by the ‘actor’. That is what is known as an ‘unintended consequence.’ The Daily Discord has become the unintended consequences capital of the internet lately and on the national stage…well, that’s even worse.


*Winslow’s note: I know, this is actually Newton’s Third Law of Motion from some 192 years before Einstein was born, but he's on a roll...


E*Trade Baby Attacked by Wall Street Protestors!
E*Trade Baby Attacked by Wall Street Protestors!

New York, NY—The Occupy Wall Street protests turned ugly earlier today, as the E*Trade baby was jumped and pummeled on the corner of Wall and Nassau Street in the heart of New York’s financial district.  Protestors immediately recognized the commercial celebrity and then managed to separate him from his pre-k reunion before ruthlessly working him over.

NYPD was able to intervene, but not before the baby suffered numerous bruises and possible shaken baby syndrome.

"Yeah, well you should see the other guy," joked the baby to the press today. "I told the schmucks, I said, ‘hey, I’m toddling here!’"

On behalf of the City of New York, Mayor Bloomberg apologized for the incident, "This is not what the Big Apple is all about.  Well maybe…but not with diaper-clad toddlers!"

"I was just heading over to the Capital Grille with a colleague for the pureed beef carpaccio and these goons surround us," said the baby.  "I’m like, look, dipshits, I do my transactions back home with a full back load, if you follow.  E*Trade is all about, umm, E*Trading!  I tell ya, these dumb hippies need to get their movement straight."

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Onion Copycat Case Draws Anemic Ridicule for Discord
Texas Governor Rick Perry goes on a rampage shooting puppies and boiling children
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord admits to releasing a picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry boiling children and shooting puppies as a cheap ploy to attract negative attention.  The stunt was patterned after a recent Onion feature of a similar vein.  The controversial Onion tweet involved reports of screams and gunfire coming from inside the Capitol Building.  The Onion followed up with a news report on their website, a place four out of five bribed comedians find not nearly as funny as The Daily Discord.

"We saw the attention The Onion got for that tweet," said CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow.  "Meanwhile, we put Jesus on a wanted poster or we host everybody Photoshop Muhammad day, and we get bupkis.  Yeah, we have no shame.  It’s just high time someone noticed. We’re as despicable as anyone out there."

Whereas Winslow is carrying on despite the lack of controversy, he isn’t happy about it.

"On a good day we get maybe three people emailing us with shit like, Tell the Ghetto Shaman to suck it! or What are you feeding the Crank, anyway?  Frankly, we deserve a lot more scrutiny than that."

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Chris Christie Should Not Run!!
Chris Christie Should Not Run!! He should walk first and work up to a slow jog
He should walk first and work up to a slow jog
 
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Nation to Cryogenically Freeze itself until Current Job Problem Solvable
Nation to Cryogenically Freeze itself until Current Job Problem Solvable

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama announced his proposal to essentially freeze-dry the entire continental United States from sunny Miami to rainy Seattle. This harsh, potentially dangerous, process will be undertaken in the hopes future economists will gain the tools and knowledge necessary to once again create American jobs.

"This isn’t about blame anymore," said Obama. "It’s about fighting the hiring freeze with a bigger freeze.  Farmers will be compensated for any crops destroyed by freezer-burn and my Cash for Carsicles program will offer government aid to any cars irreparably damaged during the process."

Republican opposition came quickly.

"This is just an attempt to extend his presidency indefinitely," said radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. "Look, the day we defrost as a nation, if this president had the courage and wisdom to step aside, he would have Republican support."

The White House used a power point presentation complete with images of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite, as well as an enthusiastic endorsement from the Snow Miser, of The Year without a Santa Claus fame.

Obama concluded the presentation by adding, "Just think of it; we could choose not to thaw Biden’s mouth, not to mention parts of Newark."

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ASPCA Mistakenly Euthanizes Tea Party Congressman
ASPCA Mistakenly Euthanizes Tea Party Congressman

Topeka, KS—Congressman Stanley Farrell (R) was reportedly very angry with allegations that the Tea Party played a key role in the stock market’s recent turbulence.  People who knew him, described him as prone to political fits and tirades.  He often barked about wanting a smaller government and lower taxes.

"He’s been just furious with President Obama’s liberal agenda," said his wife Megan.  "Last week he got much worse.  He was frothing at the mouth and chasing cars around that have progressive bumper stickers."

ASPCA workers claim he was angry, and it was hard to make sense of his anger.

"He left us no choice," said Rin Tim Tim of the ASPCA.  "We did not have any clue he was a Congressman at the time of the lethal injection…or even a human for that matter." 

The ASPCA President told Discord reporters he has no remorse.

"Look, if another furry politician comes into one of our locations and starts biting people and accusing them of being socialist-illegals, we’re going to do the same damn thing." 

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Osama Bin Laden’s Wife Claims Pot was "Mellowing him Out"
Osama Bin Laden’s Wife Claims Pot was "Mellowing him Out"

Abbottabad, PK—More and more information is surfacing about the last days of Osama Bin Laden’s life.  His second wife, who wished to remain faceless, said, "Pot was finally starting to mellow him out. He talked less about terror plots and more about the lack of any nearby convenience stores in Abbottabad.  ‘Convenience stores are supposed to be convenient,’ he would say.  Then he would laugh at jokes like that for hours."

As he began smoking absurd amounts of marijuana, he all but stopped his Facebook Meetup terror groups.  According to many, he was shifting his future goals away from Jihad toward opening a hemp stand somewhere.

"He didn’t want to kill anymore," said another wife.  "In fact, he was starting to quote John Lennon songs a lot and wanted to run off to meet that Beatles Yogi guy."

"He started running around with a new group of friends," said still another wife.  "The beatings all but stopped and no more ‘human shield’ duty on weekends.  It was nice.  He still enforced Sharia Law, but only when he managed to stop giggling."

U.S. Navy Seals are supporting these claims.  They confirm large amounts of marijuana were growing in Bin Laden’s compound and, during Operation Geronimo, he was found half baked and watching a Baywatch Marathon. 

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He Rode a Blazing Deficit
By The Crank
He Rode a Blazing Deficit
The Crank

In retrospect, as I watched the Circus Minimus, a.k.a. the debt ceiling debacle, my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do without Ritalin. Can there really be this many ideologically enslaved people all in one place? Do they really think we believe the talking points anymore? Then it all came into raging clarity as I watched Blazing Saddles for the 367th time last night. I don’t mean to offend with this culturally insensitive material. It’s Mel Brooks’ fault, honest. If you want to really be offended, check out one of my regular features.

English Bobbies to Quell Riots by Saying Stop…Again
English Bobbies to Quell Riots by Saying Stop…Again

London, GB—London Police would like to send a stern message to the rioters currently assailing their fair city.  This message is packed with sharp criticism, harsh tones, and less than subtle innuendo.    

Chief Constable Barry Higgins had this to say, "We are not only prepared to say our traditional ‘stop or we’ll say stop again’ number, but we are prepared to say stop as many times as it takes!"

The constable actually said this somewhat congenially during our interview, but insisted we add the exclamation point.  

When asked about authorizing the use of plastic bullets, Constable Higgins said, "No, but we are prepared to use bouts of sarcasm.  A focused stream of satirical quips will sting far worse than any plastic, non-biodegradable, bullets any day."

Constable Higgins has not ruled out the use of puns but only in "extreme situations" and, as for double entendres, Higgins fears they will, "Go over the head of this lot."  He therefore recommends a more mocking rancor designed to strike a devastating sarcastic blow to the heart of such common rabble.

Higgins feels the English bobby has a reputation to uphold, and that it’s "time to take a bite out of crime." He then added, "But not literally, of course."

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Perry Trump in 2012
Perry Trump in 2012, Paid for by the committee to re-elect Obama
PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO RE-ELECT BARACK OBAMA
 
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England has the right idea...
England has the right idea...
I said venti, bitch!
 
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Egypt: Mubarak Faces Lethal Dose via Water Dispenser
Egypt: Mubarak Faces Lethal Dose via Water Dispenser, All hamster ball and wheel activities indefinitely suspended.
All hamster ball and wheel activities indefinitely suspended.
 
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Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

The Romney3000 Breeched: Hackers make off with Sensitive Campaign Data!
The Romney3000 Breeched: Hackers make off with Sensitive Campaign Data!

Boston, MA—The security of the Mitt Romney3000, as seen on TV, has been compromised this week.  Hackers were able to gain access to some of the Romney 3000’s secure files while it was in sleep mode.  Romney handlers are not sure the extent of the breech, but warn sensitive data might be in the wrong hands at this hour.

"Thankfully I have nothing to hide," said one Romney3000 model.  "I have been programmed to avoid any and all scandals and to adapt to any political climate or situation." 

Original programmers for the Romney3000 envisioned the presidential candidate actually changing skin tone and dialect to match the desired audience.  The Romney3000 is also believed to be capable of adapting to extreme environments throughout the Universe, such as the surface of Mars or Tea Party rallies.

Romney handlers claim a new and improved firewall has been created to protect Romney and his other mechanical helpers.  They are also upgrading the oral filters and improving the linguistic algorithm to avoid any perception of flip-flopping.

When asked about a potential running mate, the Romney3000 said, "Team Romney will choose the appropriate humanoid running mate, preferably one with Windows compatible software."

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Bush and Cheney Deny Employing Dementors at Guantanamo Bay
Bush and Cheney Deny Employing Dementors at Guantanamo Bay

Guantanamo Bay, CU—George Bush and Dick Cheney are adamantly denying the use of Dementors in any Black Magic Ops between 2002 and 2008.   Allegations are surfacing that cruel and very unusual punishment was implemented on several suspected Al Qaeda terrorists.  One Guantanamo detainee claims they were forced to watch certain Azkaban scenes from that Harry Potter movie "Clockwork Orange style."  Another inmate said he was told Dementors circle the island and they would suck out the souls of any would-be escapees.  Some even claim that during many good cop/bad cop interrogation strategies, Dementors filled the role of bad cop. 

When asked if these Dementors might simply have been CIA agents in dark hoods, one detainee responded, "Ummm, have you ever had part of your soul ripped out through your nostrils?"

Despite the controversy, Bush stands by his enhanced enchantment techniques.

"Sure we threatened to use them, which netted us actionable intelligence.  It saved American lives," said Bush. 

But the former President denies Dementors were ever directly on the CIA’s payroll and he dismisses such rumors as liberal propaganda.

When questioned, former Vice President Dick Cheney refused to address allegations of his own involvement in an even more clandestine Secret Dementor Program.

"Why are you asking me this?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would….never mind.  Just fuck off," said Cheney.

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Murdoch Claims Fox News is "Too Biased to Fail"
Murdoch Claims Fox News is "Too Biased to Fail"

New York, NY—Rupert Murdoch is denying the possibility his troubles overseas will result in any fallout here in the U.S.   The tycoon’s handling of his News of the World scandal is under considerable scrutiny this week.  Sadly, any cover up is proving difficult as his closets are already brimming with skeletons and the last rain exposed hundreds of other corpses in his backyard.  As his British Empire buckles, Murdoch is now defending his prized possession, Fox News.

Murdoch told reporters, "We are too biased to fail.  Just imagine a hundred million people unsure about how to respond to current events?  You’ve heard of the opiate of the masses?  Well, Fox News talking points are the benzos of the bozos." 

Murdoch said, even if it is decided Fox must go, a five year wean-period would be necessary before "his viewers could muster even the most rudimentary precursors of independent thought."  Later in the interview, Murdoch warned, "If we go cold turkey, viewers could turn to something worse than Fox, something even more extreme."

When asked what could possibly be more extreme than Fox News, Murdoch said, "That show Hoarders.  You know, about those people who horde shit in their house.   That’s pretty fucking extreme."

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2007 Miss Teen U.S.A. Finalist the New Tea Party Queen?
2007 Miss Teen U.S.A. Finalist the New Tea Party Queen?

Lexington, SC—With Sarah Palin out and Michele Bachmann still trailing Romney in the polls, real Americans have become really desperate for that perfect spokesperson. The Tea Party is happy to announce they are now rallying behind a single voice—a person who best represents their values.

It all started when a Facebook Tea Party MeetUp group made a startling YouTube discovery.  They happened to play a quote from a Miss Teen U.S.A. finalist from 2007, during which she was asked, "A fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

She responded, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such…etc."

"We knew right then Bachmann and Palin had nothing on this chick," said MeetUp organizer Bess Thompson. 

Caitlyn Upton, now 22, was then approached by the Tea Party group and Upton told them, "I am honored to work with real U.S.A. Americans again, uh, on such an import Liberty Bells of freedom thing, uh, such as South Africa and Iraq, and such."

"She had me from hello" said Thompson. "Even though, technically, she didn’t say hello." 

Further questioning revealed Upton greeted the Tea People with an "uh" and a grunt, and then mumbled something about Hooters.

When questioned about her Liberty Bell comment, she replied, "When Douglas Adams climbed the Liberty Bell tower and took pot shots at the electoral college, and South Africa and Iraq and wherever.  That’s freedom, bitches!"

The Daily Discord staff admits to adding the "bitches" part.

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North Korea Boasts Capability of New Ballistic Something: Taepowoodendong-2
North Korea Boasts Capability of New Ballistic Something: Taepowoodendong-2

North Korea—Kim Jong-il remains undaunted by his country’s continued sanctions, dwindling resources, and tough economic hardships.   Despite the odds, Jong-il and his ilk have created a completely wooden missile, the Taepowoodendong-2.  This formidable projectile is believed to reach from naughty bits all the way to the liver.

When asked if the missile could reach the U.S., Jong-il stated, "I know this much, it can reach all the way to who’s your daddy now, bitches?!"

When asked how he plans to bring the U.S to its knees solely through the use of a relatively small piece of wood, Jong-il stated he planned to "get America drunk first." 

When questioned about his tactics, he became defensive, "Look, this is a long, completely unsanded ballistic dildo.  America will fear me now or suffer the dongsequences."

Jong-il went on to explain how his last statement was a play on words that may or may not translate well into English.

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No Negotiating with Teabaggerists!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are at yet another critical juncture in our history and we have dumb and dumber duking it out in DC.  This is when you have to ask yourself, do you want dumb to stop dumber (D: raising the debt ceiling and revenues and then failing to reduce spending), or do you want dumber to stop dumb (R: those forcing spending cuts only)?  Oh, did I mention there’s also dumbest (the Tea Party who won’t allow any tax increases or any debt ceiling management)?  Good times…

Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign
Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign

Wasilla, AK—Earlier today Sarah Palin announced her intentions to donate the parts of her brain associated with higher executive function to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.  The two are believed to have made a pact that if only one should run for president, the other would donate her grey matter to the cause.  Palin and Bachmann will undergo a controversial procedure previously only accomplished in film and television. 

"They will be an unstoppable force," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill.   "Just think of it…the petty, childlike cognitions of Palin enhancing the flaky, almost psychotic neural misfirings of Bachmann.  They’ll be the perfect Republican candidate!"

Scores of flag waving morons are already gathering around Palin’s old Wasilla home with pitchforks and torches of encouragement.  Palin spent the last several hours reminding the mob, via megaphone, that her brain should only be removed at the time of the transfer by proper licensed neurocosmotologists.

The Daily Discord covered a similar story in June of 2008.   Their controversial coverage involved the conjoined Obama/Hillary ticket, O’Hillary.  Sadly, the Discord staff has yet to come up with an appropriate name for the conjoined ticket of Senators Al Franken and Diane Feinstein.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein
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Palin Announces Exit Strategy
Palin Announces Exit Strategy

Sarah Palin and her family have pulled out of Dodge and have taken their One Nation bus tour back to the frozen north.  She told the press today, "Progress against progressives has been made."  She is still leaving behind areas along the coasts that remain "safe harbors for liberal thought."

"This isn’t over by a long shot," said Palin, who then made several other gun references not meant to be taken literally. 

Palin’s bus tour exit strategy involved taking route 90 West all the way to 5 North and then on through enemy socialist territory before arriving back in real America.  Palin denies living north of the Land of Misfit Toys and refused to answer any more of the Discord’s questions.

Palin claims to have ended the bus tour after being selected for jury duty.  Critics argue this proves she is not smart enough to get out of jury duty.  When questioned about the recent poll showing how 7 out of 10 Americans feel Palin’s bus tour is heading in the wrong direction, Palin spewed more of those gun references.

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Hey, Mikko, Stop Blowing Wind up My Ass
By The Crank
The Crank

Thank you for the accolades, true that they all are. When you get old enough, and haven’t lived in a cave, usually you get smarter—usually, not always. I do know many stupid old people. It’s called education by default. Now, down to business…

Spendthra VS. Cutzilla: Battle for Earth
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I said I would move our debate forward…ummm, I lied. I’m not saying liberals are the answer, Crankster—I never have—I’m just saying your group is almost certainly never the answer, unless the question is "my toilet’s stopped up." I’m Kidding!! I have those eco-friendly no-flush types. I’m also going to refrain from any-and-all Joe the Dumber jokes.

The Last Supper: Progressive Thought and Reverse Peristalsis
By The Crank
The Crank

You know it’s too late when they start to get that glassy-eyed look—a look that can only be described as a pot head minus the beneficial "medicinal" effects. I recently went to dinner with four progressive familial units (PFU), a setting where I should refrain from speaking on any number of topics. It’s just too much to ask me to choose between Spaghetti Bolognese and terminal heartburn. I like to eat, ok. I’m circumferencely impaired. But listen, family, if you are trying to help me eat less, just keep it up. We’ll call it the Reflux Diet Plan.

On Closer Inspection, Maybe the Birthers were Right!
On Closer Inspection, Maybe the Birthers were Right!
 
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Discord Responds to Dems & Republicans...Release the CRANKEN!!!
Discord Responds to Dems & Republicans...Release the CRANKEN!!!
 
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Dems Respond...
Dems Respond...Release the FRANKEN!!!
Release the FRANKEN!!!
 
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We Have No Good Nominees? This Late?
We Have No Good Nominees? This Late? Release the KRAKEN!!!
Release the KRAKEN!!!
 
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Bin Laden Death Photo Creates More Questions than Answers
Bin Laden Death Photo Creates More Questions than Answers, has it been doctored?
has it been doctored?
 
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Due to Continued Al-Qaeda Threats to the Daily Discord...
Due to Continued Al-Qaeda Threats to the Daily Discord, our terrorist threat level was raised from Waterboarded to Shot in the Head
Our terrorist threat level was raised from Waterboarded to Shot in the Head
 
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Instead of an Islamic funeral, can't we just shove a bomb up his ass and drop him on Kaddafi?
Instead of an Islamic funeral, can't we just shove a bomb up his ass and drop him on Kaddafi?
 
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Orcs Vying to Overthrow Sauron through Social Sites
Orcs Vying to Overthrow Sauron through Social Sites

Middle Earth—Inspired by the Middle East, the Middle-Earth prepared to deal Sauron, the Dark Lord, a wicked blow by organizing an adversarial Meetup group at the Orcs’ Lodge in Lower Mordor.

Unfortunately for the orc uprising, Sauron monitors all online transmissions.  Big wizard is watching!  In retaliation, the sorcerer sent a devastating shockwave from the Dark Tower of Barad-dûr earlier today with fatal consequences.  The bulk of the energy was directed at the Orcs’ Lodge—the blast arrived amidst the Meetup group, disrupting further meaningful online discussion.  Witnesses claim the explosion was felt as far West as Minas Tirith and rattled the flagons as far east as the Scrotum & Mallet deep in the crevice of the Grey Mountains.  The thaumic burst killed an estimated 1,700 orcs and scattered tens of thousands more of the unsavory creatures throughout Middle-Earth. 

Despite the setback for the rebellion, the orc general, Gothmog, is holding out hope that his Twitter account could organize the disenchanted forces of evil much faster.

"Twitter will bring the Dark Lord to his knees!  Besides, I got 27 more followers last week and one of them even knows a cave troll who sympathizes with our cause."

Gothmog has now been focusing his energies on Tweeting the Goblins over in the Mines of Moria and plans to Meetup with them very soon.

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The Garbage Gestapo Has Come to Mayberry
The Garbage Gestapo Have Come to Mayberry

Many across our green nation are joining ranks with Project Trash Police, one of the many new stimulus spawned career paths (SSCP)—jobs brought to you by the Monopoly money also known as the U.S. dollar. These Trash Police, or S.W.A.T teams (Sewage & Waste Authority Taskforces) are a group of green meanies set to root through all of your refuse for their own insidious purposes.  These Recycle Rangers may already be Sherlock Holmesing all of yesterday’s rejects through the use of highly sophisticated computer chips.  These sensor chips are designed to relay all of your recycling activities directly to Al Gore’s mansion!

Know your refuse or risk fines, jail, or torture!  Torture is officially legal now in America, so expanding it to include improper recycling habits is the next logical step.  Will the backlash of recyclophopia plague our society?  Mental health professionals are already seeing a spike in suicide hotline calls. 

"We get at least 10-15 calls a week now from people worried the banana peel ended up in the cardboard bin, or the type 6 plastic ended up with the type 1 plastic," said Megan Forrester of N.U.T.  Counseling. 

Police are also reporting an increase in Hate Grimes, wherein people’s garbage is mixed up in the middle of the night as part of some sinister gang initiation practice.

Know your bins, people, because these S.W.A.T. teams are on the Gorepath. 

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Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
By Mick Zano
Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
Mick Zano

As a psychology dude, sometimes I try to figure out where the right is coming from.  My move from the east coast to AZ was kind of like Dian Fossey’s move to the Serengeti (sorry to nitpick).  Anyway, perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report, I was about to read, More Americans Work for Gov’t than Ever...  I know, I know, but let’s give the right the benefit of the…holy crap!  My eyes shifted to the next headline. Bachmann is out fundraising Romney for the GOP nominee?!  I uttered that old Blazing Saddle’s line, "Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!"

Burger King Mascot Fails in Libya
Burger King Mascot Fails in Libya, time to call in "The Captain"
Time to call in "The Captain"
 
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Crankin’ Up a Shutdown
By The Crank
The Crank

As we near the deadline for our children in Congress to play nice and pass a friggin’ budget, we hear repeated threats of a complete government shutdown (CGS). Oooh!  Noooh! Mr. Bill, stuck on Capitol Hill!  We can’t have that, now can we?  For the world will surely fold up and die, the sky will fall, plagues, locusts, and the elderly will have to eat the locusts!  And the Seventh Seal will start barking or something…

Neocons to Defund NPR to Raise Funds to Bomb Syria
Neocons to Defund NPR to Raise Funds to Bomb Syria

Washington, DC—With the funds saved from no longer supporting National Public Radio, Republicans plan to bomb a number of, as yet to be determined, middle eastern countries.

"This is both doable and advisable," said Fox News contributor Charles Krauthammer.

The right wing of the right wing is suggesting President Obama pay for U.S. involvement in Libya by ending funding for a program that feeds and houses homeless veterans.  For phase two of the project, Republicans hope to slash funds from NPR and bomb Syria, or some such Muslim country deemed a nuisance.

"He needs to start listening to the voice of fiscal reason," said GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich.

When it was pointed out how defunding NPR and homeless veterans’ benefits would only account for less than 1% of the current war effort, still only in its second week, Gingrich countered with, "We have different graphs based on non-Euclidian geometry."

When asked to explain what that meant, Gingrich, a graduate of the Michele Bachmann School of Spurious Statistics, invited America to see for themselves how wars don’t increase deficits.  This is accomplished through a powerful republican spawned pseudo-math (PRSPM).

Many on the right are enthusiastic about a return to an America on the offensive.

"Defunding NPR is win-win," added former ambassador John Bolton.  "Less liberal slant and less Muslims, that’s two for two in my book."

The Republicans master plan is to borrow more yen from Japan, oh shit, borrow more yuan from China…umm, their plan is to borrow more money from somebody and then bomb our way back to economic and military supremacy.

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Libya: Two Special Comments, Three Special Swear Words
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My first beef is with the Community Organizer & King who decided to listen to Hillary I-was-just-starting-to-like-her Clinton instead of Robert nailed-it-as-Secretary-of Defense Gates (but keep in mind, even Rommel would look good after Rumsfeld).  Obama probably thought: hell, the Clintons want action in Libya and so does McCain.  So we need to act…   Normally this would be logical, but what in the last decade has been normal?  Certainly not my blood pressure. 

Plume with a View: The Best Place to View Radioactive Cloud is Southwestern U.S.
Plume with a View: The Best Place to View Radioactive Cloud is Southwestern U.S.

Los Angeles, CA—The arriving radioactive plume from Japan can be fun for all ages, but taking some precautions is necessary. Remember that black light you had in your room as a kid?  Well, it’s not going to be anything like that. The best place to enjoy the glow show this weekend is Southern California.  The optimum way to view the radioactive plume is to get far away from city lights, which in the case of L.A. is probably best anyway.  You might want to dress appropriately for the display, like in a radiation suit.  The World Health Organization is not sure if the dangerous fallout will create mutant hordes, some giant prehistoric fire breathing creature, or just enlarge insects of some variety or another.  Regardless, it’s best to be prepared—with a will.

There is a slight chance of growing an extra appendage or gills during the festivities. Although, gills might seem cool, don’t go in the water.  It’s probably not safe.  In the event of mutant hordes, keep in mind, they always return to their subterranean dwellings by dawn.  So you just have to stay alive until then. 

Upper winds are blowing the glowing plume right toward us, so all you need to do is grab your recliner and your iodine pills, kick back, and enjoy the show! 

Good night and good….ahahahHHaaHHAAA.  Giant crickets!!

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U.S. Cooling Japanese Reactors with Help from Snow Miser?
U.S. Cooling Japanese Reactors with Help from Snow Miser?

North Pole—The White House is downplaying the possibility the notorious weather sprite, the Snow Miser, might be employed to help prevent three or more nuclear meltdowns in Japan.  The little remaining water is no longer keeping the nuclear rods in the cores contained at this time, so Obama believes a being with super cooling abilities could stave off a complete and utter disaster. 

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, embarked to the Snow Miser’s ice castle yesterday to formally request aid from the Christmas marionette and Clause antagonist.

"We came at it from the angle, my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s…er, we won’t get fooled again!" exclaimed Clinton, who went on to explain how several meltdowns would embolden the Snow Miser’s brother and arch nemesis, the Heat Miser.  "If any meltdown would occur, the Heat Miser could reclaim some of the winter months in areas of northern Japan for tens of thousands of years," explained Clinton.

The Obama Administration remains uncertain as to whether or not the Snow Miser took the bait and neither Clinton nor her entourage have been seen or heard from since.  Obama remains unconcerned at this time.

"I happen to know Hillary and the Snow Miser intimately, and I would be more concerned about the Miser."

Obama denies that, should Clinton fail, he plans to send Joe Biden to enlist the aid of Mr. Freeze of Batman fame.  Although Obama admits the prospect of permanently freezing Biden’s mouth shut has a certain appeal. 

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Critics Accuse NRA of Marketing to Children
Critics Accuse NRA of Marketing to Children, Well, it's better than ballis-tic-tac-toe
Well, it's better than ballis-tic-tac-toe
 
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Info from Japan's Nuclear Incidents Unreliable?
Info from Japan's Nuclear Incidents Unreliable? What else aren't they telling us?
What else aren't they telling us?
 
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The Case for Obama’s Impeachment
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

Send in the Envoy:
Calling in the Envoy: If anyone can talk Gaddafi down, it's the Burger King mascot
If anyone can talk Gaddafi down, it's the Burger King mascot
 
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Intelligence Suggests Gaddafi Seeking Plutonium
Intelligence Suggests Gaddafi Seeking Plutonium, He is also pressuring Narnia for military secrets
He is also pressuring Narnia for military secrets
 
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Dr. Zaius Banishes Democratic Leadership to Forbidden Zone
Dr. Zaius Banishes Democratic Leadership to Forbidden Zone

Dr. Zaius, Minister of Science, has charged the Obama Administration with gross budgetary negligence. He believes the failure to address the serious monetary concerns facing the global financial system at this critical juncture in history comes with dire consequences for mankind.

"With the increasing likelihood of the collapse of the U.S. dollar, only cutting discretionary spending is absurd! This is precisely the moment when humanity allows apes to become the dominant species on the planet," warns Zaius. 

Dr. Zaius is calling for Obama and his key aides to be led to the edge of the Forbidden Zone and banished forever into the wasteland.  Zaius came to the decision after strongly considering the option to have them sent Beneath the Planet of the Apes—a plan that posed logistical difficulties, not the least of which involves the laws of physics. Dr. Zaius called for those exiled to be castrated, but chimps and gorillas outvoted orangutans 2 to 1 prohibiting the barbaric procedure. 

To prepare for the coming apocalypse the Zaius suggests burying the Statue of Liberty up to her chest in sand.

And, in related news, Dr. Cornelius and Dr. Zira have been arrested on heresy charges for supporting the U.S. treasury’s recent activity.

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Last Day in Office Mubarak to be Entombed in Great Pyramid of Giza
Last Day in Office Mubarak to be Entombed in Great Pyramid of Giza

Cairo, EG—In lieu of exile, President Mubarak has chosen to be placed in the King’s Chamber, located in the heart of the Great Pyramid of Giza, surrounded by family, friends, and his cabinet.

"This is not about me," said Mubarak, "But the Great Pyramid of Mubarak does have a nice ring to it, eh?"

"I don’t want to cause a fuss," continued Mubarak. "So let my legacy show I was a man of compromise. Look, King Tut got one and he ruled less than a decade, pussy. I should get three pyramids by that math! It’s not like I’m asking to be put up over in the Valley of the Kings or something. The rent over there is ridiculous."

To ease the transition, the U.S. has offered to put Mubarak up in the Luxor in Vegas, but the President is adamant about remaining in Egypt.

"Exile is not what it is used to be," said Mubarak. "No, I think that me, the Great Pyramid, a flat screen, a fridge, and some cold ones and I’ll be good to go."

If his demands are met, he plans to restore the Internet to Egypt on his last day in office,.

"Oh, but Ethernet cable will need to be run for sure," added Mubarak. "According to my IT guys, WiFi will be virtually impossible under six-million tons of limestone."

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A Cranky Morning in New York
By The Crank
The Crank

It seems as though the powers that be in New York decided to wrongly arrest over 120 honest Italian-American businessmen for so-called organized crime connections. Thanks to the New York Village Voice here are some of those patriots:

Obama Apologizes to Pakistan for Next Dozen Drone attacks
Obama Apologizes to Pakistan for Next Dozen Drone attacks
 
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Narnia Boasts Successful Enrichment of a Weapons-Grade Mythical Element
Narnia Boasts Successful Enrichment of a Weapons-Grade Mythical Element

Narnia—Weapon’s inspector’s confirmed many of our worst fears today.  Narnia has the ability to produce large quantities of a high yield Cintamanite, a mythical substance found only at the Fords of Beruna in east central Narnia. 

"This has great implications for the War on Fiction," said General David Petraeus.

The White House, meanwhile, is refusing to comment on rumors the Narnians were aided in Cintamanite-enriching technologies by Canada.  

Experts believe Cintamanite can nearly double the range and effectiveness of their wooden catapults, as seen during the siege of Cair Paravel in the second film. Some believe it may also enhance the taste of certain seafood recipes.

Rush Limbaugh is using this event to further embarrass The White House.

"Obama has done nothing to prevent this.  First Iran, then North Korea, and now Narnia! What’s next on Obama’s watch…is Sauron going to reclaim Mordor?"

Prince Caspian, now deemed an agent of terror and an enemy of the real world, is claiming his troops will utilize guerrilla warfare against the U.S. if further provoked.

"Actually, it’s more of a half gorilla, half goat," added Caspian.  "They can jump out of a cupboard anywhere, any time. Heck, they can even appear out of a picture hanging on your living room wall.  How’s Napolitano going to handle that, bitches?" 

The President encouraged Americans to keep these developments in perspective, and stated, "Narnia poses no threat to free nations. The saber rattling over in Narnia is just that, saber rattling…literally." 

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Did All 5,000 Birds Die by Flying into a Large Window Suspended from Two Hot Air Balloons?
Did All 5,000 Birds Die by Flying into a Large Window Suspended from Two Hot Air Balloons?
Well, it's more plausible than Dave Atsals' other theories
 
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Straight Marine Mistakenly "Comes Out" After DADT Verdict
Straight Marine Mistakenly "Comes Out" After DADT Verdict

Kandahar, Afghanistan—Family members of Lieutenant Lee Williams, of the 2nd Infantry, are puzzled by today’s holiday greeting from abroad. Lee has never had homosexual tendencies, remains sexually attracted exclusively to females, yet he openly announced his gayness while wishing his family in Plattsburgh a Merry Christmas during a live video feed from Kandahar earlier today.  

When asked why he made the erroneous announcement, Williams replied, "I guess I got caught up in the moment.  It’s such a huge deal for the gay and lesbian community. I just wanted to feel more a part of what was happening." 

"It stunned us at first," said his mother, Emma Williams of Plattsburgh.  "Until I remembered the time he not only joined the Save the Whales movement, but became a whale himself for nearly eight months.  He ordered a water bed and, during that time period, was content to sift through seven or eight buckets of krill each day for sustenance."  

Despite being raised in a conservative household, his father, Jacob, believes Lee suffers from liberal tendencies with regards to social issues.

"I’m going to sue that shrink for every penny," said Jacob.

Lieutenant Williams also announced his future plans to show his solidarity with the shrinking polar ice caps by spending his post-military life nearly motionless along the Norwegian coastline, periodically sloughing off pieces of himself into the North Sea.

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Hoover Dam Bridge Dismantled to Save Flying Salmon
Hoover Dam Bridge Dismantled to Save Flying Salmon

Hoover Dam, NV/AZ—A group of environmentalists have won a major court battle this week.  Only two months after the opening of the seventh highest suspension bridge in the world, it must come down!  The newly constructed Hoover Dam Bypass Bridge, with a price tag of over 240 million, is in the process of being dismantled to save a species of flying salmon indigenous to the Colorado River.

"When they built the bloody thing, planners did not take into consideration the flight plans and migratory habits of the flying salmon, volaticus pisces," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bistro.  "Since the span’s completion, thousands of fish are flying into steel girders and cables, raining terror and sushi onto unsuspecting commuters below."

Gambling addict Jake Johnson of Tempe, AZ has a different view.

"Yeah, well environmentalists haven’t taken into consideration the flight plans of people who want to get from Phoenix to the black jack tables."

When asked directly, Mr. Johnson admitted the scaly projectiles are a problem.

"The last thing I want is to lose all my money in Vegas and then have a flying fucking mackerel bouncing off my windshield on the way home…damn, flying fucking fish."

The state of Arizona tried to work out a compromise with the environmentalists by dangling a sixty-foot silver fishing hook from the span, a move designed to disrupt the salmon’s normal flight path.  But, at the end of the day, commuters lost and the volaticus pisces won.  Flying fucking fish.

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WikiLeaks: The Discord Makes Stuff Up!
WikiLeaks: The Discord Makes Stuff Up!

CyberSpace—Julian Assange has unleashed his next wave of devastation and this time it’s personal.  His latest WikiLeaks dump reveals a bevy of unethical journalistic behavior over at the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord.  The dump shows an epidemic of invented news events, fictitious sources, and fabricated letters to the editor.

"Bullshit!" responded CEO Pierce Winslow. "We don’t even have an editor.  Assange is dead! Dead! I’ll bend him into a little stool pigeon pretzel and feed him to Dick Cheney.  Well, a no-salt version, of course, due to our former VP’s blood pressure."

When asked if there was any truth to the sea of allegations, Winslow said, "Hell no.  I don’t think Assange used a condom for this one either, nor any lubricant."

Winslow then released the hounds, the flying monkeys, and the seven plagues of Egypt, before issuing a dire warning, "Doesn’t Assange realize that finding out what the government is up to is just how Nazi Germany started?"

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Obama Humiliated by "Singing Frog" Sensation
Obama Humiliated by "Singing Frog" Sensation
 
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Airport Offers "Happy Ending" Security Screenings
Airport Offers "Happy Ending" Security Screenings

Chicago’s Midway Airport—Lines are not the only things getting longer at our local airports these days.  Although many travelers are frustrated and angered over new security procedures, one Midwestern airport has discovered some folks seem to really be enjoying the invasive new screening process.

"We decided with crisis comes cop-portunity," said Security Chief, Jay Milken, of Aurora, Ill.  "Get it?  Some people really perk up at the security line and we thought, wow, here’s something we can take advantage of, so to speak."

After confirming their suspicions with their new x-ray "boner identification" machines, Mr. Milken and his team swung into action.  Within a few days Midway Airport offered a range of extended screenings for cash.  Travelers who chose the "happy ending" security + screening got to choose the gender of their screener and the "extended/bonus" safety check. Security personnel also offered offered x-ray images of some of the other passengers to heighten arousal.  For an extra fee, flyers can also request the pocket pool extravaganza, or, for the more adventurous still, there’s always the extended cavity search.

"Fly the really friendly skies while improving airport security. Oh, and don’t forget to have your bags checked by one of our trained professionals, ladies, or how about one of our mammogram security checks?  Fly safe and fight breast cancer all while boarding your flight. It’s win, win, win!" said Milken.

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Rangel's Pitty Plea at the Big Hearing:
Rangel's Pitty Plea at the Big Hearing: "I don't have enough cash in the freezer left to even a hire a lawyer."
"I don't have enough cash in the freezer left to even a hire a lawyer."
 
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Dark Rider Sightings Shock Shirefolk
Dark Rider Sightings Shock Shirefolk

Bag End, HBT—A number of men in black were seen riding through Bree and parts of the Shire late last night.  Eyewitnesses claim they were searching for a hobbit known as Bilbo Baggins.   Locals report, Baggins has remained a recluse ever since the Harvard Lampoon referred to him as Dildo Bugger in a popular spoof.  Some believe the riders were searching for a piece of jewelry, or perhaps other things to pawn.

A local wizard named Gandalf the Grey told reporters, "A shadow moves in the east, there are whispers of a nameless fear, and the Green Dragon has a steep cover charge tonight." 

Gandalf later expounded upon his earlier statements, "The fires of Mount Doom are ablaze, there are worse things than goblins in the darker places of the world, and there are, indeed, strange things afoot at the Circle-K." 

Here to make sense of that, and more, is our own Mad Dog mystic, the Ghetto Shaman, "Dildo Bugger, heh, heh.  That’s fucking great!"

In other local news, farmer Maggot is reporting crops have been taken from his field again.  He is blaming the dark riders for the mischief.  Roseypalm Glandheaver of Bugger-downs has reported her dog missing.  The faithful companion was last seen pissing on an Ent.

"I can’t imagine what could have happened to him," said Glandheaver. 

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The Crank's Idea of Em-bed-ded Reporting
The Crank's Idea of Em-bed-ded Reporting
This is why we don't let him out much
 
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Debate is the Death of Conversation: Especially with You!
By The Crank
The Crank

I will try, one more time, and then utterly give up and get back to reality television. "But I have a graph, and that makes all your arguments worthless," and, "Bush was worse, his deficits were more!!"  Well, no. You once said to me that Fox lies, and that you can make up stories, but ya can’t make up facts. That is so right, my bearded little troll. There is a graph for everyone. Facts can be manipulated.  You see, two wrongs do not, in fact, make a right. They make a left. Gotcha! (Cogitate on that one, Mikkie).

Another Unnecessary Scathing Personal Attack on Pernick
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Somehow unnecessary wars and the Bush tax cuts never seem to match up to Jimmy Carter’s move to get people into homes.  Do I have to show you the graph again?  The Congressional Budget Office numbers site Bush tax cuts and the wars as the two biggest deficit generators.  The housing debacle is ranked third, and is comparatively much less of a projected issue over time, but I understand how third can be first when seen through the magniFoxing glass.

Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Was the Red Toxic Sludgeslide a Result of Hellboy's Value Menu Night?
Was the Red Toxic Sludgeslide a Result of Hellboy's Value Menu Night? Who knew Hungary had a Del Taco?
Who knew Hungary had a Del Taco?
 
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Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer
Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer

Washington, DC—Perturbed by recent events, President Obama called for another of his highly-hyped Beer Summits.  This time our Head of Suds met with comedian Jon Stewart and news correspondent, Rick Sanchez, to mend some fences.  Sanchez recently lost his job, anchoring at CNN, after claiming Stewart is a "bigot" and for claiming "Jews are hardly a repressed minority." Meanwhile, Jon Stewart hasn’t warmed up to any of Obama’s summits and is making fun of them regularly on The Daily Show.  

The administration considered calling it Beer Summit! Part Deux and, for some reason, Breakin' 2: Eclectic Brewgaloo, but, due to the historic importance, Obama combined the best of his Beer Summits and his Backyard Summits and went with Backyard Beer Summit.

"This close to the mid-term elections I need my media commentators back on message," said Obama. "And that’s when I have Michelle hit the old Pay & Take for 40oz cans of malty diplomacy."

The summit started off on a rocky note, however, when Sanchez said, "Sorry, Jon, I know deep down you’re really not a Jew."

Stewart responded, "Why don’t you go taze yourself again, bro?"

A fight ensued between the three which the Secret Service thankfully captured on their cell phones.  As it turns out, the initial argument between Sanchez and Stewart was a misunderstanding.  Sanchez thought the word bigot meant: gay, a ciggie or a bundle of sticks.

"It was terrible to see," said our Chief White House Correspondent, Cokie McGrath.  "I haven’t seen that much beer abuse since The Ghetto Shaman’s ejection from the Luxor."

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Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?
Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Philadelphia, PA—The allegations are flying today as the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord, falls under increasing scrutiny over what many are calling a clear foul.  The controversy is centered around an image depicted on the Discord’s October 5th coverage of their recent "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" rally.  The image makes it appear like more people attended the rally than actually did.  It’s a technique known to PhotoShopsters as the Bachman Effect—used by Fox News to make impotent rallies seem a bit more rallyier (rallyier is a word, by the way, we checked with the Bard of Wasilla herself).

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that his staffers doctored the photo for the purpose of furthering his nefarious agenda.

"It’s preposterous!" yelled Winslow at reporters outside of his suburban Philly home. "Nothing about that photo says doctored to me, and I oughtta know."

A reporter pointed out how, if you look closely enough at the image, some identical people actually appear on both sides of the reflecting pond.

"It’s a reflecting pond!" shouted Winslow.  "It’s what reflecting ponds do!  I can assure you the image we snatched illegally from Google Images has not been tampered with in any way.  We have Elements, the cheaper, watered-down version of PhotoShop, which is set to expire if we don’t figure out how to register the software."

"How could we keep a conspiracy this big a secret," said Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  "Too many people would need to know.  Now I admit I did originally suggest they make the Washington Monument into a big penis with a Santa Claus cap on it, but increasing the crowd, never!"

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Fox News & the Tea Party: Sometimes There Isn’t Safety in Numbers
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew.  But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed.  So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

Rahm Emanuel May Leave the White House This Week!
Rahm Emanuel May Leave the White House This Week!
Don't worry. They nailed the coffin shut.
 
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Goodstock: Three Months of Jobs, Growth, and Prosperity has Died
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

The recovery summer, the love child of Barack Obama and Joseph Biden, has gone to the big government program in the sky.  Little Stimuleena was only three months old.  There will be no open casket for this one, folks.  You could lose your lunch.  Oh wait, you can’t afford lunch anymore.  Nevermind.

The Terrorists Win the War on Terror: Film at 11
By Pierce Winslow and Mick Zano
The Terrorists Win: Film at 11
Pierce Winslow

Reflecting on 9/11, nine years, later was damn depressing—almost as bad as reading our submissions this week.  Did you really think a bunch of radical yahoos could defeat America (and I don't mean the Discord staff)?  Of course not, they were betting on our own stupidity, and that bet paid off far beyond their wildest expectations.