Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
May 30, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
TopicsTopics
ContributorsContributors
FeaturesFeatures
Subscribe Now Subscribe Now
Search The Discord Search The Discord
About Us About Us
Contact Us Contact Us
Site Map Site Map
Be our friend...
...with benefits
Show us your tweets...
Follow The Daily Discord on Twitter
...and we'll show you ours
Follow The Daily Discord on MySpace
Four Flags
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
During Memorial Day Speech Obama Chooses to Honor Those on Welfare
During Memorial Day Speech Obama Chooses to Honor Those on Welfare

Arlington, VA—President Obama created quite the shit-storm today after a speech that many are calling "really bad." Obama never mentioned the military during his 34 minute speech, but he did mention himself 23 times and Obamacare 12 times. This omission of anything relevant to those lost in battle is being considered a snub by military personnel and their families.

Obama looked almost jovial as he said, "Let’s not forget those who made the ultimate sacrifice, their paychecks, so that I could personally—or at least indirectly through government programs—support them for their braveness throughout their lifespans."

Cluttered White House Lawn Becoming Impossible to Mow
Cluttered White House Lawn Becoming Impossible to Mow

Washington, DC—The head grounds keeper of the White House and "dreamer", Enrique Rodriguez, is about to walk off the job as landscaping 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is becoming increasingly hazardous. Enrique is absolutely sick of breaking weed whackers on parts of drones and having his mowers constantly clogged with Secret Service condoms.

Enrique explained, "Over by the Visitor’s Pavilion my weed whacker kicked up a condom that knocked an unmanned drone right out of the air. That’s not the bad part. Then the drone spun out of control and took out an azalea planted by Lady Bird Johnson." When asked about the worst offenders, Enrique said, "The fence jumpers are definitely the worst. Those bastards are killing more pansies than ISIS and Putin combined!"

Points: Why Republicans Don’t Seem to Make Any
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The only thing Pokey and I can agree on these days is how we both speak different languages. Ich habe es dir gesagt, Herr Pokey! My friends list of top concerns is, in and of itself, very concerning. In 2015 we can all do better than conspiracy theories wrapped in delusion. Crappetizers? There’s clearly some stuff worth hashing out from his last post. Speaking of which, hopefully that "candy" will come in handy during this endeavor.

The Bush's Plundered & Pruned the Hedges of Many Small Villages!
The Bush's Plundered & Pruned the Hedges of Many Small Villages!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Jeb Wants Everyone to Know He'd Make the Same Mistakes As Hillary
Jeb Wants Everyone to Know He'd Make the Same Mistakes as Hillary, Thankfully not as many people lost their lives during the Iraq War as Benghazi
Thankfully not as many people lost their lives during the Iraq War as Benghazi
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Too Big to Debate: Pokey V Zano V Mayweather
By Mick Zano and Pokey McDooris
Mick Zano

The following is an email exchange between two Discord contributors, Pokey McDooris and yours truly, Mick Zano. I admit I added the conclusion after the email exchange, because I’m a terrible person. Life isn’t fair, Pokey:

Pokey: I've been thinking about it, Zano. What's the difference between Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders?

Zano: Benghazi?

Pokey: No, the answer is honesty.

I Got Another Letter From Bozell the Clown
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Brent Bozell is both a Fox News Contributor and the head of the Media Research Center. Last year, against my better judgment, I joined his merry little band of memes. His website helps the politically insane keep up with all the horrible atrocities liberals are perpetrating on good, decent Americans. You know like smoking pot, drinking beer, and graduating colleges, often simultaneously. Multi-flasking?

Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore
Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore

Baltimore, MD—Some savvy Baltimore entrepreneurs are taking advantage of the angry gangs roaming freely through their streets. Debris Stands, as they have come to be called, are now on almost every corner from Rosemont to Westport.

One business owner, Ed Stanko, is selling bricks to rioters from his own burned-out storefront. "I feel like a real American today. I’m helping the police bring the people who torched my business to justice, while also making money by arming the mob to fight the police. Now I know how Dick Cheney must feel."

BP: Tar Balls in Gulf Now "Fun Size"
BP: Tar Balls in Gulf Now "Fun Size"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The GOP: Insight Out
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you noticed how our republican friends feel increasingly vindicated lately? No matter what each news cycle brings, it will only confirm their suspicions. Instead of countering all of their "points", it might be easier to just watch Fox News backwards. Barack Sabbath? Kidding, watching Fox backwards spells !izahgneB.

Let's Give Zano Partial Credit on This One
Let's Give Zano Partial Credit on this One
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
20% of All Colorado Pot Diverted to Make Last Old Spice Commercial
20% of all Colorado Pot Diverted to Make Last Old Spice Commercial
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Aaron Hernandez Sentenced to One Date With Jodi Arias
Aaron Hernandez Sentenced to One Date with Jodi Arias
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Cruz to Redirect NASA Funds to "Global Space Fence"
Cruz to Redirect NASA funds to "Global Space Fence"

Washington, DC—The chief scientist of NASA, Ellen Stofan, recently announced, during a panel discussion, her firm belief that "we are on the verge of finding alien life" and that "this discovery will happen within a decade." This stunning announcement sent Ted Cruz, the chair of the Space, Science, and Competitiveness committee, into immediate inaction.

Senator Ted Cruz told the press today, "I have no reason to doubt NASA’s claims—except the whole aliens are never mentioned in either The Bible or Atlas Buggered—but if we only have a decade before these little green welfare recipients invade our sovereign planet, we need to start building a global border fence now."

Since the Government Has My Dic Pics...
Since the Government Has My Dic Pics...
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Kerry Blames "Extended Iran Negotiations" on "Urinating in Public" Charge
Kerry Blames "Extended Iran Negotiations" on "Urinating in Public" Charge
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Glenn Beck and the Emperor's New Caliphate
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

During my last post I never reached the Promised Land: the heralded 2nd interesting Republican prediction of the 21st century. This one comes in the form of Glenn Beck’s Caliphate. Beck’s obviously referencing a group of AM radio hosts who hope to expand their current syndicated stations to one day span from the tip of Alaska to the tip of Florida—wait, that’ll be underwater. Never mind.

Rand Paul Requests: "That List of Crazy Shit I Have to Say to Win Primary"
Rand Paul Requests: "That List of Crazy Shit I have to Say to Win Primary"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Ted Cruz Compares Himself to Galileo
Ted Cruz Compares Himself to Galileo, NASA to attempt to land Ted Cruz on passing comet
NASA to attempt to land Ted Cruz on passing comet
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Only 595 Days Until Hillary
Only 595 Days Until Hillary
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Six Climbers Missing After Attempting to Scale Bill O'Reilly's Ego
Six Climbers Missing After Attempting to Scale Bill O'Reilly's Ego
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
NASA Agrees to Ignore Climate Change If Cruz Agrees to One-Way Mars Mission Reality Show
NASA Agrees to Ignore Climate Change if Cruz Agrees to One-Way Mars Mission Reality Show
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Boehner Orders Cooler Do-Nothing-Congress Chair
Boehner Orders Cooler Do-Nothing-Congress Chair, House of Turds Action Figures Sold Separately
House of Turds Inaction Figures Sold Separately
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
47 GOP Senators: Treason or Just a Felony?
47 GOP Senators: Treason or Just a Felony? Either way we can take their guns. Quickly, to the Batshit Signal!
Either way we can take their guns. Quickly, to the Batshit Signal!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Brevity Is the Soul of Wit so I Will Keep This Rebuttal Under Twenty Pages
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Calling them radicals won’t help, Pokey. Sure they’re a dangerously brainwashed, apocalyptic death-cult but why anger them or, worse, draw more zealots to their banner? They could still win the presidency in 2016. Oh... who did you think I was talking about? Suffice to say, Obama is insisting on a sensible narrative to address this brewing clash of civilizations. I realize republicana banned ‘sensible’ long ago, but thankfully Obama is not taking his working orders from our own fundamentalists. Charge of the Right Brigade? Foxward Christian Soldier? The Ted Cruzades? I’m being told to stop.

Final Solution for Harry Reid's Eye Troubles Unveiled
Final Solution for Harry Reid's Eye Troubles Unveiled, Solution for GOP dissension unleashed
Filibusters are futile. We will add your legislative distinctiveness to our own.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
How Did the GOP Become Such Koch Suckers?
How did the GOP become such Koch Suckers? Absolute freedom for the 1% is great...if you're the 1%
Absolute freedom for the 1% is great...if you're the 1%
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
As Keystone XL Bill Approaches GOP "Outraged" by Obama Pun Prank
As Keystone XL Bill Approaches GOP "Outraged" by Obama Pun Prank
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Farewell Jon Stewart, You Propaganda Spewing Buffoon!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I’ve read a lot of articles about Jon Stewart’s departure and most of them seem unusually harsh. Both left and right seem ready to see him go, for decidedly different reasons of course. Republicans don’t like Maher or Stewart because there’s nothing like them on the right, but the left’s whining is sad and unexpected. Kidding, SNL’s Doug and Wendy have nothing on libs.

The Koch Brothers Solve Donor Summit Dilemma
The Koch Brothers Solve Donor Summit Dilemma
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
After Six Months of Bombing Shit Out of ISIS Obama Requests Authorization to Bomb Shit Out of ISIS
After Six months of Bombing Shit out of ISIS Obama Requests Authorization to Bomb Shit out of ISIS
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
White House Lawn Drone "Acted on Own"
White House Lawn Drone "Acted on Own"

Washington, D.C.—The data recovered from a very small black box retrieved from the drone that recently crashed on The White House lawn, suggests the drone "acted alone". The information stored on the unmanned aerial vehicle also indicates the device may have become radicalized after viewing a rerun of a particularly controversial episode of Robot Chicken.

John Q. Republican doubts these initial reports. "This was not a lone drone attack. A coordinated strike would not fit snugly into this Administration’s false narrative. I think this is the first wave of a robot vanguard, which is a testament to this President’s ongoing inability to protect our borders and his failure to identify cybernetic threats—Robot Chicken related or otherwise."

Japan to Release Monster-X on ISIS
Japan to Release Monster-X on ISIS
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Arizona’s Wall to Nowhere
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

If you were wondering, the answer is Yes, Arizona can get dumber than the Big Wall on the Border thing. A 10-Billion dollar border bill just passed Arizona’s republican circus today, the details of which make Palin’s Iowa speech sound like Kant’s Critique on Pure Reason. I Kant explain? Who? Our budget is already straining at the seams and this is their fiscally conservative answer? Hey, but it will stop ISIS from using Fast & Furious to smuggle Death Panels into ‘Murica.

Boehner Breaches Protocol Again!
Boehner Breaches Protocol Again! Senator Palpatine to Address Congress
Senator Palpatine to Address Congress
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Discord Captures Essence of Netanyahu Visit
Discord Captures Essence of Netanyahu Visit
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Zano Deciphers Trickle-Down Economics
Zano Deciphers Trickle-Down Economics
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Please Don’t Bring the Shit-Show Here
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Check out Salon and Edwyn Lyngar’s latest article The Angry Right’s Secret Playbook. It’s an interesting, yet frustrating read. Lyngar, a former republican, suggests liberals have a monopoly on the better ideas but that they need to adopt some of the right’s tactics to win the ideological debates of our time. I would rather lose elections than act like Sean Hannity for five minutes—unless it’s during a Discord News parody bit and I can coax Tina Fey into playing Sarah Palin.

Kansas to Be Divided Into Neighboring States
Kansas to be Divided into Neighboring States

Topeka, KS—Not only is Topeka known for the "fag hating" Westboro Baptist church, it is also the home to the poster-child for republicana, Sam Brownback. Governor Brownback told the press today, "The state of Kansas will be divided and subsumed by our four neighboring states. This is not a negative reflection on conservative economic policies. This is all part of a larger plan to make Puerto Rico a state and keep America’s overall number of states at a nice even 50."

The Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, weighed in on the news. "I have never been more grateful for the Oklahoma panhandle than I am today. That tiny strip of land is keeping Texas from having to support parts of that shit show of a place. This will shift the burden of this failed state to Oklahoma, Nebraska, Colorado and uh...um...The fourth one, uh, I can’t. Sorry. Oops."

Is Anyone Outside of Fox Surprised "The Pause" and "Climategate" Are Both Bullshit?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Is anyone else getting a little sick of the actions of rightwing climate denialists? I haven’t seen a group so doggedly wrong about something since whatever the hell was on Fox News yesterday. Sure you’re always wrong, but this is the issue you will be damned for. Mark my words, history will eventually take all those single quotes Matt Drudge keeps putting around the words ‘climate change’ and stuff them up his fat [bleep].

What President John Q. Republican Would Do "from Day One" in 2016
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t think we have to worry about a republican president anytime soon, but let’s contemplate an elephant in the White House. Let’s watch this scenario play out and see what he or she would do from day one. But let’s take this sneak peak from the relative safety of a nearby parallel dimension —preferably the far end of said parallel dimension.

Al Gore Stokes Anti Heat Miser Rhetoric
Al Gore Stokes anti Heat Miser Rhetoric

The Frozen North—Al Gore is at it again. Our favorite former Vice President is back in the news today after taking on the Heat Miser head on. Gore claims the Heat Miser’s little heat demons are working overtime to warm parts of the Arctic and Antarctic. "The Miser’s in clear violation of basic Labor & Industry Standards and his actions are undeniably contributing to global warming," said Gore.

The Heat Miser is refusing to release important HR files and replied to the request by sending a series of fire balls hurling toward Al Gore’s mansion. "Nice try," said Gore, "but most of your energy was captured by my impressive array of solar panels. It will keep me in cognac hot totties for months!"

The Bush Administration Did Get Something Right
The Bush Administration Did Get Something Right
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Why Don’t Folks Like the ACA? It’s Bullshit, Stupid
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Someone recently asked me, "Why do you have such a visceral response toward people who simply have a different view than yours?" I responded, "Visceral response?" and then proceeded to throw up on her shoes. It’s not the views, it’s not even the disturbingly low levels of consciousness involved, it’s how fear and propaganda are being used in a coordinated way to warp reality itself. There’s no better example than the Affordable Care Act, which is known to conservatives as Obama’s End of Freedom Initiative.

Rogen and Franco Sent to N. Korea to Explain "Misunderstanding"
Rogen and Franco Sent to N. Korea to Explain "Misunderstanding"

Ryongsong, KP—The Sony debacle involving the latest Rogen production and North Korea, The Interview, has left many scratching their heads. Upon further consideration, Sony is now deciding to play the film as not to cave to terroristic threats. In light of the news, President Obama has resolved to send Seth Rogen and James Franco to North Korea to apologize and to explain the situation to Kim Jong Un, personally.

When it was pointed out how sending the two comedians parallels the plot line of the actual movie, President Obama said, "I never noticed that. But, no, this is a friendly trip. These are comedians, not assassins. We want to start talks with North Korea and, remember, the word "ass" is in "ambassador" and the word "dip" is in "diplomacy". So we’re just sending a couple of ass dips on a diplomatic mission. Hey, it’s no worse than my latest pick for Ambassador to Hungary."

Final Thoughts on Ferguson, Torture, and Beyond
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Here are my closing arguments on the Ferguson phenomenon, as well as the media’s constant ideologically-driven themes. I agreed with Pokey’s assessment of Al Sharpton and I condemned MSNBC for its recent ideological spike on the Fox shit-o-meter. But not all wrongdoing across our nation can, nor should be pinned on our president. We also disagree on the basic premise of which political party will lead to our demise. To me, Benghazi and Ferguson are still feeble attempts by conservatives to pin the fail on the donkey.

Big Government Is Bad but Big Government Torture Is Glug, Glug, Great!
Big Government is Bad but Big Government Torture is Glug, Glug, Great!

The Heartland—According to a recent poll, Dick Cheney and the rest of our not-ready-for-prime-time citizens now condone torture. Cheney defended his use of enhanced interrogation techniques by saying he would "do it again in a minute." This turned out to be another lie as new allegations suggest he has never actually stopped. "As it turns out, they never did revoke my retinal scan access over on Black Pod 3," explained Cheney.

Senator John Q. Republican told the press today, "As my record will attest, I do not trust the government, but I would allow them the discretion to pick me or anyone else up off the street, without due process, and send me to a secret prison indefinitely, with no trial, to be subjected to walling, sleep deprivation, waterboarding and rectal feeding, because I’m an American, damn it...but affordable health care for all? Are you kidding me? Those are death panels."

Einstein’s Special Theory of Terrortivity
Einstein’s Special Theory of Terrortivity
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Fox News Reacts to Allegations of Torture
Fox News Reacts to Allegations of Torture, Remember, there’s no "IQ" in "Team America"
Remember, there’s no "IQ" in "Team America"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Polarization Nation Watch
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I want all eleven members of the Zano Nation to pull out your pens, your Microsoft Word programs, and your inhalant-ready-markers (IRMs). There’s going to be a test. We are now officially a divided country and for those coming late to the party, fear not, I already have a solution. Gin! But we must garnish this batch of fermented junipery goodness with the pimento-filled olives of Freedom! Shaken not slurred. Yes, the Discordian Zanofesto has arrived, just in time for Christmas.

Dems Distance Themselves Further From Strengthening Economy
Dems Distance Themselves Further from Strengthening Economy

Washington, DC—The last two quarters marked the strongest six months of economic growth in over a decade. The news could not have come at a worse time as Democrats are already struggling with a new wave of Obamacare enrollments as well as an unemployment rate plummeting below 6%.

The GOP: Putting the ID Back Into Ideology
The GOP: Putting the ID back into Ideology
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Discord’s Scotland Independence Post Deemed a Hoax
Discord’s Scotland Independence Post Deemed a Hoax "That’s not the groundskeeper Willy of old! Imposter!"<br />—Scotty from Star Trek
"That’s not the groundskeeper Willy of old! Imposter!"
—Scotty from Star Trek
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Reptilican Virus Spreading in the Elderly
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sure Ebola is a big problem, if you live in West Africa, but here in the good old U.S. there’s a more insidious virus infecting our populous. Conservative "thought" is now airborne and spreads through only a couple of powerful media sources. It can trigger an immediate emotional response from the more primitive centers of the brain, akin to a brain fart. The Limbaugic system?

The Ebola Spring
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

There's been a lot of hate speech directed at the Ebola Virus lately, and I think it’s time for people to stand up for the rights of the Unrepresented Parasiticals. We Americans are so human-centric, talking about containing the Ebola, fighting Ebola, and eradicating Ebola. We’re arming doctors, who seem to know no borders. They are nothing but mercenaries who should pick on someone their own size. The question I want all of you anthropomorphs to consider is this: doesn't the Ebola Virus have rights to?

Post Midterms: Discord Reaches Potty Humor Capacity
Post Midterms: Discord Reaches Potty Humor Capacity
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Republicans Seize the Dung! Crape Diem?
Republicans Seize the Dung! Crape Diem? A great day for spoof news, not so much for mankind
A great day for spoof news, not so much for mankind
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Typhoid Kaci? Will Obama Authorize Drone Strike on Quarantine-Violating Nurse?
Typhoid Kaci? Will Obama Authorize Drone Strike on Quarantine-Violating Nurse? What can you do to keep your family safe from rogue healthcare workers?
What can you do to keep your family safe from rogue healthcare workers?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Please Find Literate Folks to Defend the Constitution
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Constitution of the Divided States of ‘Murica is akin to The Bible, in that republicans worship it despite a nearly complete inability to understand any of the meaningful bits. Thou shalt not Teabag? I believe, post 9/11, the Constitution died. Rest In Parchment? My message then, to anyone who would listen, was this: the 2008 presidential election signaled a shift from an inauguration to a coronation, so forgive me if constitutional indiscretions seem passé. Post 9/11 our checks and balances collapsed at the feet of an imperial presidency and, yes Pokey, I make no apologies for showing some relief in the fact our current monarch has an IQ above that of a turnip. I realize this is an affront to those citizens of Turnipsylvania.

CDC Downplaying Ebola Victims Sudden Craving for Human Flesh
CDC Downplaying Ebola Victims Sudden Craving for Human Flesh, It's just "a phase."
It's just "a phase."
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Discord Endorses Warren Webb Ticket!
Discord Endorses Warren Webb Ticket! Not fair, it should be Burns/Scrooge after several minutes of depriving their brains of oxygen.
Not fair, it should be Burns/Scrooge after several minutes of depriving their brains of oxygen.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India
Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hyderbad, India—Thousands came out to the eastern coast of India yesterday to protest a coming cyclone that would later claim the lives of many of those same protestors. The powerful storm, Hudhud, plowed across India seemingly oblivious to the negative press and its sinking public opinion polls.

Many are calling this abusive relationship with the weather "a cycle of violence", or in this case a cyclone of violence. "We lost electricity in my town," said a local fisherman Richa Gavde. "That would be fine except we only just flippin’ got electricity in my town! What is the weather thinking? We live in mud huts for fuck sake. Oh, brave deity blowing over thousands of thatched roofed huts. Big man on campus. We don’t even have a campus yet, jerk!"

Alternate Universe Vindicates Bush
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas history tends to repeat itself, one necessary element in this process is the time required to forget shit. Typically there are decades or even centuries between identical historical blunders (IHBs) as that’s how the whole eventually-shit-is-cyclical thing is supposed to work. But Republicans are like that guy who gets three DUIs in a 24hr period and then decides to drive to a bar. They’re insisting on F-ing everything up again, not in 2050, but by the end of their next news cycle. Quantdumb?

As the Graham McCain Turns
As the Graham McCain Turns
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Calvin and Hannity
Calvin and Hannity
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Deploys "Special Ebola Task Force" to Dallas
Obama Deploys "Special Ebola Task Force" to Dallas
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Coalition of the Falling: Ebola Fed Ex
By Dr. Kwela Juluka
Dr. Kwela Juluka

I have taken a turn for the worse after my visit to West Africa.  I have fatigue, headaches, and I’m bleeding out of every orifice in/on my body...and that’s just because I write for the Discord.  Actually, I shook hands with a previously infected doctor who attributed his recovery to his Christian God rather than to medical science.  Color me stunned!  With docs like that, Africa is in for a thrill ride on the exponential Ebola train to Shitsville, which I also believe is a Monkees’ song.

Rise of the Radical Republican?  Boehner Inaction Figure Sold Separately
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Despite the recent successes of some moderate republican candidates, I don’t believe it accurately reflects the larger political trend. The GOP will likely track further right and within a decade we will start hearing the words "radicalized republicans." Bozo Haram? I know, I know, it’s like the time I commissioned a bust from that OCD sculptor, I’m getting a head of myself, again.

Scotland! Scotland! Scotland!
Scotland! Scotland! Scotland! Just be thankful we didn't have to use our Braveheart hanging Cameron's head on Hadrian's Wall thing.
Just be thankful we didn't have to use our Braveheart hanging Cameron's head on Hadrian's Wall thing.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Sith Lord Revealed! Cheney Controlling President Through Darkside
Sith Lord Revealed! Cheney Controlling President Through Darkside, Good news: Halliburton stocks soar today
Good news: Halliburton stocks soar today
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Grand Old Party to Ban Every Smarty
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Say bye bye to those science guys. A recent poll showed a whopping 94% of all active scientists do not identify themselves as republican. What I want to know is: who is this other 6%? Should we hunt them down and confiscate their Bunsen burners? Step away from that particle accelerator slowly, sir.

Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States Via Metro-ground Railway
Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States via Metro-ground Railway

Washington, DC—The White House is under heavy scrutiny today as allegations suggest the Obama’s are housing the missing children from Central America in The White House. They are then believed to be funneling these illegals into key election states for the mid-terms.

It is believed Obama’s broader plan is to use an executive order to declare amnesty for all illegals and then decrease the voting age to six. Through a system of Clockwork Orange-style programming the Obama’s hope to ensure Democratic election victories for many years to come. 

Earlier today Barack and Michelle were found with a long line of Honduran children in the Rose Garden. When a reporter asked about the children, they quickly showed them inside. The President then explained how they were conducting an impromptu Easter egg hunt. When Mr. Obama was reminded that Easter is in April, the President became defensive.

Who’s More Serious About Climate Change? ISIS IS!
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

These sissy environmentalists are all talk and no action. It's time to save this planet! The scientific consensus agrees that Climate Change is the greatest crisis threatening the world. President Obama promises to violate the Constitution by bypassing Congress to sign a UN Treaty to curb carbon emissions. I say it's time to stop pussy footin' around the subject. Let's get to the root of the problem by employing ISIS's five steps to Beat Climate Change.

Putting the 'Fun' Back Into Fundamentalism
Putting the 'Fun' Back into Fundamentalism
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Asks Bush About That Mission Accomplished Banner
Obama asks Bush About that Mission Accomplished Banner
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
I’m Not Joining the Discord, Zano, so Kindly Fuck Off!
By Dan Sutton
Dan Sutton

Zano’s been harassing me to join this rag for years. It’s not that I don’t like the Discord, I just don’t like Zano. So NO! I won’t do it! I have standards, not good ones but standards nevertheless. I sent this anti-republican rant to him with explicit guidelines, to summarize: so help me, Zano, I will drive from L.A. to fucking Flagstaff myself if you try to turn this into a Discord article!

Gaza Psychologist Just Doing End of Life Therapy
Gaza Psychologist Just Doing End of Life Therapy
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Theory Emerges After Appearance of Third Siberian Sinkhole
Theory Emerges After Appearance of Third Siberian Sinkhole, We didn't say it was a good theory
We didn't say it was a good theory
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
To Summarize the Distraction That Is the GOP
To Summarize the Distraction that is The GOP
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Impeachment: You're Doing It Wrong
Impeachment: You're Doing it Wrong
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
This Just in From Crank Headquarters
This Just in From Crank Headquarters
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria
Secretaryian Violence Increases in Syria; Why are their Secretaries so Angry?
Why are their Secretaries so angry?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire
Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire,
France left out on purpose.See full feature here.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
What Were Republicans, Daddy?
What were Republicans, Daddy?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About His Apprentice
The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About his Apprentice
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Breaking Vlad?
By Mick Zano
Breaking Vlad?
Mick Zano

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine...uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw
GM Claims Fiery Crash New Feature Not Design Flaw

Detroit, MI—General Motors is back in the news today after a defect caused dozens of their automobiles to burst into flames last week. Still reeling from their recent round of recalls, GM is refusing to recall these models, because they are claiming the fiery blasts are "epic" and "cool".

The new CEO of GM, Mary Barra, is claiming the explosions are, "Pretty spectacular. Our cars’ ability to burst into a ball of fire is simply a special feature included with these models to spice things up a bit. Some people would pay extra for such an impressive pyrotechnic display. We feel such an ability should come standard in all of our vehicles. The Cobalt is now the Cobolt. One day you’ll find out why, and the Chevy Volt is now simply more aptly named. Try driving one of our new Kevorkian series cars. It will leave you breathless. No really, the muffler fumes are somehow funneled back into the cab."

Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D?
Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D? Or, hard choice to keep promising…
Or, hard choice to keep promising…
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition, The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Did you see the parade of war criminals surface all across the Fox Nation this week? You know, the ones who never got anything right about Iraq and should be in jail? They have more advice now that Iraq is descending into a civil war. Fox also started running endless 2007 republican Surge-justification-quotes (SJQ). Here’s the thing, saying Iraq will fall apart without U.S. support in 2007 is kind of like Churchill, instead of his famous 1940 speech, saying, "You know, I think Hitler’s up to something."

Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
Who is the Sith Lord and Who is the Sithy Boy?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Visits World's Smallest Museum
Obama Visits World's Smallest Museum, Next stop, Alliance Nebraska for Carhenge
Next stop, Alliance Nebraska for Carhenge
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum
Obama Condemns own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum

Providence, RI—The White House is back-peddling today after a military drone struck a popular club in Providence, Rhode Island leaving 78 people "really bummed." President Obama claims to have originally ordered the attack against the Muslim extremist group Boko Haram, a group responsible for the kidnapping of over two hundred Nigerian school children. Instead, because of what The White House is calling a "clerical error" the drone leveled a night club during a performance of the 60s rock band Procol Harum.

One survivor told The Discord, "Even if the band did take all of those Nigerian children, couldn’t Obama have at least waited until they played Whiter Shade of fucking Pale? I mean, what the hell else were we there to hear? Fucking government."

After the attack the club, ironically named The Drones Club, lay in ruins and any encore performances remain in serious question. Republicans believe a simple grammar check could have prevented this tragedy, or could have at least postponed the attack until after they played Whiter Shade of fucking Pale.

Zano Playing Ouija With John Lennon Again
Zano Playing Ouija with John Lennon Again, Now imagine if the other half our country understood this.
Now imagine if the other half of our country understood this.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, this is my foreign policy for Demmies. Whatever the hell the Obama Doctrine is, can we keep it? ...or at least rent to own? If there is anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine in 2016, how about we book you a Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’.

Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
Where Climate Change is likely to Hit the Hardest, Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth Onto Putin Rival
Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth onto Putin Rival

Moscow—Vladimir Putin expressed his deep sympathy today for the death of Alexi Yankovich and his dog Oyobuk. Yankovich, an activist and harsh critic of the Putin Administration, was walking his cocker sputnik near his home when a Russian ‘space program’ rocket landed on his head and tragically exploded (the rocket, not the dog).

Yankovich, an outspoken critic from the Volga Federal District, was obliterated during his morning jog, which he reportedly does in the same park at the same time each morning—a fact Russian intelligence officials insist "who knew?" and then followed that statement up with, "Although, he did start his jog five minutes later than usual this morning, or so someone said."

Putin claims the ill-fated rocket was filled with supplies for the international space station, as well as some flowers and throw pillows designed to "brighten up the place."

Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs
Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs, Will Shinseki face the comfy chair?
Will Shinseki face the comfy chair?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum
Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum,
Next stop: the largest ball of twine in Darwin, MN.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance
Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance, Michael Richards was unavailable for comment.
Michael Richards was unavailable for comment.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad
Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad, Climate change isn’t a problem if you’re lucky enough to live south of Narnia and north of Whoville
Climate change isn’t a problem if you’re lucky enough to live south of Narnia and north of Whoville
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi
Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi

Washington—Acting on orders from Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), Bigfoot was dragged out of his cave, deep within the forests of the American Northwest, and placed in front of an Issa-created congressional subcommittee (ICCS). Bigfoot was then subjected to over three hours of grueling questioning about his involvement in the 2012 embassy attack in Benghazi. Bigfoot grunted and growled his objections before finally being brought down by several tranquilizer darts.

Congressman Issa stands by his decision to subpoena the 650 pound cryptid, whose answers shed no further light on the events in Libya of September 11, 2012.

Issa told critics, "To the best of my knowledge Bigfoot was never questioned about Benghazi before this hearing."

Others question Issa’s knowledge, best or otherwise, and claim this is nothing more than a witch hunt.

"Nonsense, this is not a witch hunt," said Issa. "We’re doing that next week when we haul that White bitch from Narnia into court."

Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma
Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma, Apparently, they are now also planning to sue The Discord.
Apparently, they are now also planning to sue The Discord.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes up Empty
Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes Up Empty
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance Will Interfere With My Medicaid and Food Stamps."
Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance will interfere with my Medicaid and Food Stamps." De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia
GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia

Narnia—As the bad news for Obamacare lessens the GOP is searching farther from home for controversy. They are now turning their attention to Narnia. Three fauns allegedly spent weeks on the exchanges trying to get healthcare before being devoured by a dragon. In another instance, a centaur could only get the human part of his body covered medically, because the legislation failed to foresee coverage complications for human-animal hybrids (HAH!).

"This is further proof of a failed policy," said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. "Obamacare is not only wrecking our world, but this law is starting to impact the lives of creatures across the multiverse. Something I, and many others in my party, accurately foresaw. Besides, why should my hard earned tax dollar go to the healthcare of some talking badger in the first place?!"

Enrollment data suggests not enough young and healthy mythical creatures are signing up in the exchanges, which could impact premiums in 2015. Also, numerous dwarves, some as old as 150, are being wrongly designated as children so remain covered under their parents.

Mr. Obama responded earlier today by saying, "There were many inherent challenges signing up folks from Narnia. There was no existing infrastructure there so all applications were done by hand, and as a result many of our volunteers were eaten. This will not stop our plans to expand coverage of the Affordable Care Act to Middle-Earth by 2015."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
By Mick Zano
Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

Sebelius Escorted Out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent
Sebelius Escorted out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent, I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Cuban Twitter Crisis?

Havana, CU—Cuba is hailing a clear victory today after a ceasefire was called for all hostile Tweets between the U.S. and Cuba. Communist controlled Cuba claims the U.S. has inadvertently triggered the Twitter Wars in a crass attempt to undermine their government. Since Cuba has declared victory Republicans are jumping on Obama for his lack of social site prowess.

 

RNC
@GOP
As usual Obama is bringing his MySpace to a Twitter fight. #obamaIsNoKennedy
10 minutes ago
 
6 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

Here’s what transpired on Twitter earlier today:

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Stop the Tweet Wars now! Good oceans make good neighbors #justSayin
9 minutes ago
 
26 Retweets 12 Favorites

 

The White House
@whiteHouse
OMG! LOL! So cute, Cuba can now use hashtags. #justSayin
8 minutes ago
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Uhh, and we have better hash too. #tagYoureShit
7 minutes ago
 
3 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

“The shroud of the social site has fallen. Begun the Tweet War has.”

—Yoda D’Kana

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President

Coral Gables, Fl—Former Governor of Florida and presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has proposed a new family tree suggesting he is in no way related to his brother, George W. Bush. The news came as quite a surprise to the rest of the Bush family, who always felt there was some relation between the two siblings.

"As you can clearly see from this graph," said Bush, "...uh, that Mick Zano Photoshopped onto a Holiday Inn conference room wall behind me (throat clear), that I am in no way related to my brother, George. In fact, Ancestry.com recently sent me a letter urging me to send back the leaf that represents George on my family tree. It’s all part of some massive ancestral-relational recall thing. It’s really complicated stuff involving quantum lineage, genealogical anomalies, and vodka spritzers. Bottom line, he’s not my real brother. It all makes perfect sense, I mean, the rest of the Bush’s can read and write."

Barbara Bush, the mother of at least one of the brothers, said, "I’m happy for Jeb, because he now has a promising political future, but I’m sad for George, who only paints now...well, it’s coloring really as the outlines are already on the page. He stays in the lines, though, which is better than he did in office."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program
Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program

U.S./Mexico Border—Under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, rock attacks on our border agents have only increased. Such attacks are endangering our border patrol agents, but new evidence suggests these Weapons of Metamorphic Destruction are American in origin. The tracking of rocks started under President Clinton, but the Obama Administration and Homeland Security expanded this ill-fated program. Now it is believed many of the rocks that injured our border agents were part of a program known as Blast and Igneous designed to track pointy rocks as they travel back to Mexican drug cartels.

Arizona Senator John McCain said, "These rocks were all accounted for under republican leadership, but under Obama they’re now painting crude numbers on the bottom and then hoping for the best. It’s criminal negligence. These rocks are now scattered all over the border region. Does the government know where all these rocks are? Does Obama know where all these rocks are?" McCain is the ranking member of the Senate Subcommittee on Pointy and Potentially Lethal Projectiles (PPLP).

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, told the press, "Obama has not been sedimentary on this issue, so he doesn’t give a schist about more republican mudstone slinging. So start making gneiss. Get it, gneiss?"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

The Manchurian Gutter Ball
By Pokey McDooris

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack...and he bowled a 77?

Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland
Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland, "All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
"All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: The Plot Stiffens
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes to...
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas I do criticize our 44th President, the ideologically-challenged always seem to boggart such endeavors, i.e., Obama really blew it on...wait, did Boehner just say "We’ve done our work"? Or, I’m angry with Holder because...did Paul Ryan just say "I’m not preaching austerity"? For this post I will set aside my own biases as to remain focused on—OMG! Krystol just said "Obama is dangerous and delusional!" Mr. Never-ever-right? Really?

Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act
Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act, "I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules," -Jefferson Smith
"I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules," -Jefferson Smith
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea
U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea,"I plan to meet Putin where he is," said Obama, "Somewhere in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros."
"I plan to meet Putin where he is," said Obama, "Somewhere in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros."
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Star Trek V Space Case
Star Trek V Space Case
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Don’t fret about this veto thing. Look, the words Christian conscience should not be an oxymoron. Gays would be happy to go to your hell but the Pope just admitted it’s fictional. Of course, he may reconsider his position if he ever visits Mesa. As for eternal damnation for the gays, how about we just take a brimstone check?

The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You think that’s bad? Initially I was going with drone strikes. The list of our-dangerously-incomptent-politicians-who-we-must-run-out-of-office has changed. Instead of identifying them via their support for Sarah Palin, we need to switch to all those elected officials derailing our current peace talks with Iran, D or R. Please turn in your flag lapel pins and all those donations acquired illegally before your car is towed.

Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values
Ticket Emerges that Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Washington, DC—Earlier today C. Montgomery Burns announced his intention to buy the republican nomination for president in 2016. Not only is the 4th richest man in the world in, but he has already picked a vice presidential running mate, Ebenezer Scrooge. When asked if he was getting a little ahead of himself, Burns said, "Nonsense, the only head of myself is a Buick-sized 14k gold replica hanging in the foyer."

Mr. Burns told reporters, "With the passing of Citizens United primaries are a formality. We currently have a Super PAC that could fund the Death Star, with enough left over for a sporty little Death Moon. Write that down, Smithers! Death Moon. Besides, who else do they have? I haven’t seen a field this empty since last week, when I released the hounds."

If you were to place the skeletons in Mr. Burns’ closet, end to end, some estimate they would encircle the Earth as many as three times, much lower than many of the other republican hopefuls.

Hillary Clinton added, "It’ll be nice to finally run against someone with more baggage than I have."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times
During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times, Oh...wait...I was watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Oh...wait...I was watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case
Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case, But why not pyramid shape?
But why not pyramid shape?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments
ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments

Washington, DC—With Obamacare out of extensions, yet far below enrollment goals, the President announced his strategy to close the gap. Eligibility for full enrollments for the Affordable Care Act ends on March 31st, but until then all those seeking insurance can also sign up for Obama’s new "fun size" coverage.

Those who sign up in January, will receive an autographed Obama picture and 10% off the penalties associated with the individual mandate. "And if you act now," said Obama, "The NSA will stop listening in on your conversations for the rest of 2014!"

When cornered, Obama admitted the enrollment is symbolical and is not truly redeemable for any medical or behavioral health coverage, per se, but he urged Americans to have a heart, because the program offers some good piece of mind. "But, remember, the heart and mind aren’t really covered," said Obama.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"
As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"

Phoenix, AZ—After gutting Child Protective Services in the state of Arizona, Governor Jan Brewer announced her decision to "do it her (mother blanking) self." After citing a number of CPS failings, Brewer announced her decision to quarterback the statewide program.

The Governor told reporters, "The Jan-line will be available 24/7, or at least my motivational pre-recorded messages should be. Hey, I have to sleep some time."

When filing a report, if you do happen to reach Jan live, she will immediately dispatch Sheriff Joe Arpaio to drive a tank through the home of the alleged perpetrator. "As for neglect and abuse," said Brewer, "tanks have been known to greatly reduce recidivism. Now if you receive my pre-recorded messages you may hear such insightful gems as: Vote republican and end abuse, Think of the money this state is saving, right now! and, my favorite, Why not just call 911, morons?!"

This new system will save the state of Arizona an estimated seventy million dollars next year and Brewer believes it may actually help children learn to be more resourceful, self-sufficient and survival oriented.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Koch Industries Acquires Umbrella Corporation and Skynet
Koch Industries Acquires Umbrella Corporation and Skynet

Wichita, KS—Koch Industries is downplaying the hostile takeovers of two major organizations. The deal to purchase Skynet, known for its ill-fated Terminator program, became a reality last week and the merger with Umbrella Corporation, known for the deadly t-Virus outbreak of 1998 and 2002, was only finalized yesterday.

Spokesperson, Cly "Mitt" Friendly, said, "Koch Industries is eager to take genetic engineering, cyborg technologies, and biological weapons to a whole new level. What could possibly go wrong?" Mr. Friendly told reporters that one of the Koch’s top priorities is to keep Skynet safe from "that meddling Connor family!"

"We plan to resume many of the important projects abandoned by the Umbrella Corporation," said Mr. Friendly, "...er, after we mop up all the unpleasantness from Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)."

CEO of Koch Industries, Charles Koch, added, "A wise fictional man from those Robocop movies once said, ‘Good business is where you find it.’ And sometime we find business in clandestine laboratories under paramilitary-style security many levels below the Earth. Besides, we already have Fox News explaining how we contained the infection."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
To Close Nuclear Deal 2-Million Iranians Must Sign up for Obamacare
To Close Nuclear Deal 2-Million Iranians Must Sign up For Obamacare

Tehran, IR—Barack Obama may well be playing softball with Iranian nukes, but he minced no words as negotiations came to a close yesterday. Iran must sign up a minimum of two million of their citizens for the Affordable Care Act or face crushing sanctions.

"This is win win," said Obama. "Iranians can be assured, not only of insurance, but of a minimum standard for healthcare. The ACA-Iran will also bring me much closer to my goal of six million enrollees by March 31st."

Republicans are enraged. Many on the right feel mandatory signups for foreigners is unconstitutional. "Iran is not America," said Ted Cruz (R-TX). "I just Google mapped it. Hell, it’s not even part of our constellation."

Texas Governor Rick Perry also voiced his concerns, "There’s three reasons this is not okay. It’s not, as Mr. Cruz said, even part our constellation. Second, Benghazi and three...."

Mr. Perry is going to get back to us.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
IRS: Incessant Republican Scandals
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter...as "fairy" dust is generally frowned upon.

Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines
Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines. Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should Not Be AZ’s Governor
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should not be AZ’s Governor

1. He’s Half Past Dead (2002), or is that our senior Senator?

2. He’s Chosen the Path Beyond Thought (2001). See anything on Fox News.

3. He’s got a Fire Down Below (1997)...which could be syphilis.

See All 10...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Fast & Furious Weapons Found in Benghazi
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m going there again. Why not? At this point I’m eligible for some frequent blogger miles. We keep learning more and more about Benghazi, well, at least we learn more about the relative mental health of one faction of our society, or the World According to GOP.

Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!!
Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!! No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Is Dumb Breaking up With Dumber?
Is Dumb Breaking Up with Dumber? I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion Since Newtown
NRA Boasts Improved Homework Completion since Newtown

The Heartland—In those predominately red states, where teachers are now packing heat, schools are finding "significant increases in the handing in of homework assignments." While bullying and other behavioral issues remain at an all-time low, better grades and participation keep rising.

Mr. Hiatt of Springfield Middle School said, "No one sleeps in my class, ever. It’s awesome. The threat of being shot in the face is really having a positive impact on overall testing performance as well."

Thirty seven percent more students are needing behavioral health and mental health support, but the NRA is calling this increase "regrettable but acceptable."

"We want firearms to simply be a deterrent," said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. "We are not looking to have kids shot by their teachers for not doing their algebra [creepy laughter], especially when nine times out of ten a warning shot will suffice. And nine out of ten is 90%. I know that because my teacher cold cocked my ass when I was learning percentages."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Jong-Un Named As Mandela's Successor
Jong-Un Named as Mandela's Successor. In related news South Africa has stopped all the singing
In related news South Africa has stopped all the singing
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Sardines Complain of Cramped Packing Conditions
Sardines Complain of Cramped Packing Conditions

Bangor, MN—Sardines, a small fish in the herring family, are on the warpath—and by warpath we mean lined up in tightly regimented rows of obstructionism. Many of these scaly dissidents are protesting what they are calling inhumane conditions inside their tins.

One sardine said, "We’re packed in here like, like....um, like...uhhhhhh. I got nothin’."

"I can’t even move my flippin’ fins," said a second fish. "And I don’t think the guy next to me was properly eviscerated before he was canned, if you know what I mean."

Critics are bristling. "This is another example of an entitled society under Democratic leadership," said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. "I’ll bet Obama is going to hand them a pile of food stamps and let them all live in tin cans the size of the International Space Station. I’ll tell you who’s going to take it in the can on this one, the American tax payer, that’s who!"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive From Japan for the Holidays
Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive from Japan for the Holidays, Well, it's better than what China got us.
Well, it's better than what China got us.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Dictatorial Sitcoms of All Time

1. Despot Housewives

2. It’s Always Sunny in Damascus

3. Arrested Dismemberment

See All 10...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Is Real News Becoming a Distraction From Benghazi?
Is Real News Becoming a Distraction from Benghazi?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
The GOP: What Doesn’t Kill Them Only Makes Them Wronger
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dear lame stream media, please stop suggesting shit to republicans. Pushing Chris Christie on them or encouraging a more moderate path for their party will only make them run harder and further to the right. There’s no point in trying to...oh, I get it! Brilliant! Proceed Governor.

The Tea Party Band Has All Your Block-a-Billy Favs!
The Tea Party Band has all your Block-a-Billy Favs! Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Isn’t That the Pot Calling the Ketamine Crack?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t understand that headline either, but don’t let that stop you. Let’s not end the War on Drugs today, let’s build a time machine and go back 20-years and end it then. Besides, a republican time machine could bring a whole new meaning to the word TARDIS. Think of the money we could save, not to mention the cost in human misery—or, as Schwarzenegger put it, come with me if you want to spliff!

Palin to Ride From Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform
Palin to Ride from Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform, "Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
"Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Climate: Keep the Change
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the post wonderful time of the year! I keep covering the GOP’s view of climate change because, if it didn’t mean the probable end of mankind, it would be downright hilarious—Discord’s latest video hilarious. You have to hand it to these folks, they aren’t going to fall for any scientific argument. It’s a gutsy move, like cross-dressing at a Tea Party rally. Never again!

Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare?
Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare? Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Discord Celebrates Its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
Discord Celebrates its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to Explain Website Fail
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to Explain Website Fail

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration has enlisted the aid of an important fictional superhero to help children understand why their family members have died while waiting for Obamacare coverage. Rocky and his trusty sidekick, Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon, are already visiting numerous state exchanges, in full Kevlar, to explain recent enrollment glitches.

"Glitches are part of any new process, kids," said Rocky. "Just ask my friend, Glitchy!" Unfortunately, by this time Glitchy had already passed out in a nearby alley.

President Obama expressed his deep disappointment in Glitchy’s performance today, but blames republicans for the iconic sidekick’s sudden turn to alcohol. The White House is not officially commenting on the rocky rollout for Rocky the Rollout Rodent, but an unnamed Obama advisor hinted that all government employed superhero-types were greatly impacted by the sequester.

Pauli the Stimulus Package Panda was unavailable for comment.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Ted Cruz's Top 10 Role Models

1. That guy who flew his plane into IRS headquarters.

2. That woman who drove her car into the White House barrier.

3. That guy who voted for The Surge in Iran (he meant Iraq, God love him).

See All 10...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support
Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support

Washington, DC—The White House is back-peddling after news broke that the official Affordable Care Act website does not come with Geek Squad protection. It looks like the taxpayers may now be responsible for the extra tech-support. This latest blow to the ACA’s rollout is already being considered a "major oversight" by Washington insiders.

Speaker John Boehner is furious. "Americans are now being asked to shoulder thousands of extra dollars, per hour, just to keep this job-killing-atrocity limping along." Boehner wanted desperately to add the associated lousy acronym joke (ALAJ) but could not figure it out.

"We did miss the thirty day window to add tech-support cheaply to the ACA," admitted Obama, "but the patriotic members of Geek Squad have already agreed to work for the AAA rate, which could save the American taxpayer untold gazillions. Now that we paid more, just think of the extra Reward Zone points each American is eligible for over at Best Buy."

"It’s untold because Obama won’t tell us!" said Boehner. "God forbid our AAA status gets downgraded to AA, we will have to attend those meetings every night without any guarantee of drinkable coffee."

AM radio Republicans are calling this the worst thing to happen to America since the day The Pentagon forgot to update its antivirus protection.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
On Eve of Nation's Destruction GOP Makes Final Demands
On Eve of Nation's Destruction GOP Makes Final Demands, "We want a pony with white spots! We said WHITE spots!!!" — John Q. Republican
"We want a pony with white spots! We said WHITE spots!!!" — John Q. Republican
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Umm, We Don’t Do Rebuttals Anymore, Crank
By The Crank
The Crank

Zano, Zano, Zano....I have attempted to avoid your political posts and your political views as they suffer from what one might call, Major Bullshit Disorder recurrent. See, I have a DSM-V too. But, really, Mikko why doth thee blog? Why? There’s so much more productive things you could be doing with your time, like American Idol marathons.

The Daily Discord Presents
Daily Discord Presents, Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time save the world?!
Can the GOP count to 60 votes in time to save the world?!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction
Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction, God, I hope it's republicans.
God, I hope it's republicans.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Remember When the GOP Just Sucked While in Office?
Remember When The GOP Just Sucked while in Office?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
And Now for the GOP's Next Trick
And Now for The GOP's Next Trick, You should their foreign policy repertoire
You should see their foreign policy repertoire
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Mr. Burnses of the World Unite Against Obamacare
Mr. Burnses of the World Unite Against Obamacare
"Next they'll want an honest day's work for an honesty day's pay."
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Black Parliament Member’s Dinner With Merkel Bombs
Black Parliament Member’s Dinner with Merkel Bombs, “You’re making a German spectacle of yourself.”
“You’re making a German spectacle of yourself.”
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment
Empire's Austerity Measures Impacting Sith Recruitment, Death Star downgraded to planetoid
Death Star downgraded to planetoid
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
25 Conservatives: 37 Psych Diagnoses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why is the GOP doomed, you ask? I came across this list of the 25 most influential conservatives of 2013. At any given moment, nine out of ten of these folks qualify for my state’s involuntary psychiatric commitment process. But, on a good note, the Affordable Care Act should help cover their inpatient stays.

Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control
Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control

Denver, CO—God and the NRA are of a single voice, attempt gun control measures and face serious consequences. After two Democratic senators attempted such legislation in the Rocky Mountain state, Republicans successfully recalled them as God mustered a taste of his 40 days and 40 nights routine. The NRA rallied Colorado Republicans to recall the two Democratic senators who supported gun control and God sent a message of his own in the form of water, rocks and mud.

"I coordinated with the NRA on this one," said God. "I thought about smiting shit right away, but LaPierre over at the NRA said ‘hey, let’s wait and do this thing right.’ Not many people realize I almost added the commandment: Thou shalt not impede thy neighbor’s right to shoot shit. But, then I couldn’t think of another word for shit. Remember, I wrote this crap long before the advent of Thesaurus.com."

When asked if this was a test for an upcoming, more global, deluge God laughed, "No options are off the tablet. Look, I’m torn about ending humanity this time. I hate liberals, but I love reality television and Netflix so it’s a tough call."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
You Don’t Know Why It’s Bush’s Fault? Syriaously?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Nothing registering? The famous Foxeteer flat line?  Let me splain’. Last week England, our staunchest ally, said, "Piss off. We’re not helping." Know why they said that?  Still nothing?  Perhaps I should resort to finger puppets, or at least one finger.

Nation’s 1% Gather in Subterranean Bunker for "Holy Shit We’re All Going to Die!" Summit
Nation’s 1% Gather In Subterranean Bunker For "Holy Shit We’re All Going To Die!" Summit

Cheyenne, WY—The nation’s affluent are calling for calm today as elevators whisked the country’s disgustingly rich an estimated twelve kilometers beneath the Earth’s surface. The evacuation, which has taken place over the last 24-hours, has many of those left behind asking the question, "WTF?"

From an obviously green-screened version of the Rose Garden, President Obama assured the American people all is well. "NASA is simply conducting a test, kind of like that of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this were a real emergency, well, maybe you folks should participate too? The solar flare resulting from our sun’s gravitational shift, which scientists estimate will happen sometime tomorrow, poses no threat to life on this planet. Especially if you’re an insect or a strain of bacteria, umm, but you should probably, umm, be in a basement, or deep in a nearby cave—at least duck or something."

Barraged with questions from reporters, Obama later added, "Look, if there was any real danger do you think I would just leave my Vice President to fry? Uh...how about giving me some more time to think of something more convincing?"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Extreme Politics: the Baghdad Bob Syndrome
By The Crank
The Crank

Now that the powers that be have determined that I no longer need employment, the few of you northwestcoasties that will actually read this will probably be hearing much more of me. Like it or not. And I honestly hope ‘not’, as that would make my time at the computer much more rewarding. Ninja porn reference omitted.

Voyager: Sends Back First Images From Beyond Solar System
Voyager: Sends Back First Images From Beyond Solar System, NASA: They raise more questions than they answer
NASA: They raise more questions than they answer
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Leaks His Brief Syrian Intervention Plans
Obama Leaks His Brief Syrian Intervention Plans, Mr. Pickins was unavailable for comment
Mr. Pickins was unavailable for comment
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Discord News Is on the Air
Discord News Is On The Air
More Videos...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Smothered in Chum Snorkling Adventures Closes Its Doors
Smothered In Chum Snorkling Adventures Closes Its Doors

Montauk, NY—The Snell Brother’s Marina extended their deepest sympathies to the Kendrick family after Doug and Melinda Kendrick were devoured by sharks in an area of the Long Island Sound known as Plum Gut. The Coast Guard and local authorities are closing the marina for what they are calling "flagrant violations of their boating and marina manual." The ill-fated honeymooners marked the 111th and 112th death since the marina opened last month.

The Marina’s manager, Aaron Snell, told the Discord, "We thought if we smeared our customers in snapper heads and entrails, they would get to really appreciate some of the larger, majestic sea life in this region." Mr. Snell later added, "Incidentally, we weren’t wrong."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Fox News Mini-Series: Our Shrinking Deficit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Okay, maybe not. The right is ignoring the fact our deficit has reached pre-collapse levels. Actually there’s two important numbers, the deficit as compared to GDP and our overall debt. The first you won’t hear mentioned on Fox News and the second you won’t hear mentioned on MSNBC. But if current projections hold true, what will Fox News focus on then? Hint: it rhymes with Hi-Dumb-Deployment.

Obama on Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals
Obama On Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals

Washington, DC—To deal with the ongoing sequester cuts to the Defense Department, Barack Obama suggested they downgrade their main headquarters to a quadrilateral, something in the rhombus family.

President Obama told Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, "It doesn’t have to be a square. Some of the quadrilateral shapes are quite intriguing.  Besides, you would never even notice unless you were flying over the Pentagon and who does that? It’s a permanent no fly zone. And you can keep calling it the Pentagon, who understands geometry anymore?"

Hagel suggested the President stop growing medical marijuana in the Rose Garden and "get real".

An angered Obama replied, "Name one time when we needed all five walls of the Pentagon, Chuck?! I looked through all the history books and I couldn’t find one time. Hell, we could have done the downgrade right after 9/11 and saved tons on reconstruction costs. Would you rather I say pick a branch of the military to close? In that case, my vote would be the Old Navy. Those commercials, yikes."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Say It With Me Republicans: Re-Trac-Tion
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The IRS "scandal" lives. Sorry, I seem to get totally sucked in every time I approach the GOP’s non-event horizon (a Barack hole?). This time I demand a retraction! Dear Fox Newsers, no one ever "refutiated" the IRS’s targeting of the Tea Party, aka, you’re new evidence is not new. But the other findings from the IRS investigation are relevant. Our next term is confirmation bias.

Putin: “I’m Only Gay With the Clergy”
Putin: “I’m only gay with the clergy.” Deluise: “Sure, and I’m da Pope.”
Deluise: “Sure, and I’ma da Pope.”
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Vlad the Unfriender
Vlad The Unfriender

Moscow, RU—Only minutes after the White House announced they would not be attending September’s scheduled mini-summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin unfriended Barack Obama on Facebook. Only hours before the social site snub, Putin posted, "Some people act like my friends, but they’re really not my friends. You’ll know what I mean soon!"

The White House did not officially comment on the unfriending or Putin’s decision to change his profile picture to a pair of mocking ass cheeks, but, hours after Putin’s actions, Obama tweeted, "Someone, who we will call Glad-I’m-queer Poopin, thinks I care if we’re friends or not on Facebook! ROTFLMAO!!!!"

Many feel these two world leaders are simply blowing off some much needed steam, but others fear these social site shenanigans could escalate.

"Sure Putin and Obama have unfriended one another," said the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "but neither have yet to permanently block the other. Such an act could trigger a virtual cold war that may even shatter their LinkedIn partnership, which has implications for both of their future employment opportunities. Let’s pray these two at least keep sexting in private."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
GOP Moving More Conservative? Whaah?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Moving further right? And here I thought some of the Foxeteers were starting to Google words like insight and reality. Oh wait, that could get you on the terrorist watch list. The good news is this: a shift to an even more radical conservatism means they will never hold power again. In that case, proceed Governor.

Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds
Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds

North Pole—As the North Pole turns into a giant frigid pool of water, Santa Claus is furious with the White House for ignoring his ongoing plight. Santa told reporters today, "The Land of Misfit Toys is underwater and it’s high tide over at my main workshop. Obama bails out everybody except the guy who brought him a train set for this 11th birthday. What a douche. F the polar bears, I’ve got elves up to their eyeballs over here...which, granted, doesn’t take much."

Santa Claus is threatening to suspend all Yule time activities until Obama agrees to unilateral talks with Kringle Inc. The soggy old elf is also threatening to do a spot on Fox News. "This is all part of the liberals’ War on Christmas and, what makes matters worse, my workshop was never insurable in the first place because it was built on an ice floe. I know a bunch of insurance company personnel who are getting coal in their stockings this year. Clean coal, of course, I don’t want to lose more ice."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Remains of Last Republican Politician Who Made Sense Discovered
Remains Of Last Republican Politician Who Made Sense Discovered. Kidding. He was clueless too.
Kidding. He was clueless too.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Cruz Dismisses Talk of 2016 Presidential Run
Cruz Dismisses Talk Of 2016 Presidential Run, "Sorry, I have a lot more F-d up things to do in the Senate first."
"Sorry, I have a lot more F-d up things to do in the Senate first."
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Should We Clone Moderate Republican DNA?
Mick Zano

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

#1 Putin Critic Freed
#1 Putin Critic Freed...and he's been given a generous head start
...and he's been given a generous head start
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
I Hope Michele Bachmann Retires in AZ!
I Hope Michele Bachmann Retires In AZ! Then we’ll be like the band BTO: Bachmann, Brewer, Over Palin (we just have to work on the acronym)
Then we’ll be like the band BTO: Bachmann, Brewer, Over Palin (we just have to work on the acronym)
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Cuban-Whistle Crisis: Was Snowden on Plane to Cuba?
Cuban-Whistle Crisis: Was Snowden On Plane To Cuba? "It better be an airport with an F-ing Starbucks!" —Ed Snowden
"It better be an airport with an F-ing Starbucks!" —Ed Snowden
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
PolitiFact Stock Tanks on News of Bachmann's Retirement
PolitiFact Stock Tanks on News of Bachmann's Retirement
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Palin Family Celebrates 4th Reenacting Native Americans First Arrival at Ellis Island
Palin Family Celebrates 4th Reenacting Native Americans First Arrival at Ellis Island
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Lame Stream Media Ignoring Debunked Obama Scandals
Lame Stream Media Ignoring Debunked Obama Scandals

Washington, DC— The cover-up conspiracy continues as the IRS scandal evaporates into thin airtime. Granted, a link has yet to be established between the White House and the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, but who knew the IRS could be such assholes to people? That’s certainly news, or at least news-ish. A group of people who declare war on taxes remain surprised by the subsequent increase in attention and audits. Shocking!

"And what about Benghazi?" said John Q. Republican. "I haven’t heard it mentioned in weeks, despite the fact the State Department botched the lead up to the event, by ignoring imaginary warnings, then spun the next day message through fancy verbiage, and then lacked the magical hindsight to go back in time and save those people. I never thought I would say this, but Bill Maher is right, why didn’t we deploy Iron Man?"

Conservative groups remain livid that liberals don’t even consider Benghazi a scandal, despite the fact people died, in Libya, which almost never happens...er, except in every corner of the country almost constantly.

President Obama added, "And I want to apologize to the American people. Let me be clear, I had no business using legally legislated tools to combat the War on Terror. It’s inexcusable to spy on Americans after we all approved this shit years ago.  From this point forward, I will continue to read all of your emails but vow that I will no longer comprehend them. Not only is this more constitutional, it should be a nice segue to a Republican president."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Snowden Killed By Meteorite
Snowden Killed By Meteorite

Moscow, RUS—The official story from the White House is that a six inch meteorite broke through the atmosphere and landed on the head of Edward Snowden at an estimated 30,000 mph. The security personnel transporting him were luckily uninjured as shortly before the strike, they all needed to go to the bathroom.

Critics of the administration are crying foul, believing this was a deliberate drone strike ordered by the White House. President Obama told critics, "People are killed by space debris all the time. Why I myself was almost struck by a piece of Skylab while I was growing up in Kenya. The trick is to know when to duck and Mr. Snowden apparently didn’t."

The White House has warned the general populace that targeted meteor strikes are likely to increase in the future due to the effects of both global warming and Republican obstructionism.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Freedumb
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Only three days after my post entitled Scandal Quest, wherein I discussed the only significant White House scandal, President Obama caved faster than a Bourne Ultimatum Jenga match. Sorry to drone on about this, but do you know why Obama is addressing my concerns? (Hint: they’re real.) Do you know why he’s not addressing the GOP’s concerns? (Hint: they’re not.)

Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels
Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels

Dem-mess-cuss, Syria—President Barack Obama is pleased to announce the organizers of his infamous Mexican gun-running program are slated to replace his Syrian Humanitarian Initiative Team. He now plans to directly arm the Syrian rebels and will support them as part of operation: How Assholes Pushed the President to Effin’ Nuke Syria.

Effectively immediately, Operation S.H.I.T. will be replaced by Operation H.A.P.P.E.N.S. The U.S. military will play a more direct military role: "Which has worked out so well in the past," explained Obama. "When we start arming the Syrian rebels, I am confident these weapons will not fall into the wrong hands....um, or at least our agents on the Mexican border won’t be effected."

Many on team Obama feel the decision to choose sides in a thousand year old Muslim religious conflict sounds like "great fun" and Vice President Joe Biden added, "What could possibly go wrong?"

Many are concerned this action will tank our still fragile economic recovery. President Obama told critics, "Look, I know this is a dumb idea, but domestic and international pressure demands I do something stupid.  If you want our foreign policy to start making sense, start deporting neocons. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a muzzle on Bill Clinton once in a while."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends
Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends

Hong Kong—In an unprecedented twist to an already difficult situation, former CIA employee and whistleblower, Edward Snowden, is releasing all of his personal emails to-and-from several former girlfriends.

"I am not a hero," claimed Snowden. "I just hate some of those skanks. People need to know the shit I had to put up with. I think some of them actually enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others...the bitches."

John Q. Republican added, "Look, if this was during a republican administration the release of government secrets would be treason, but a man uncovering shit we made possible while a Democrat is in the Oval Office? ...hell, that’s heroism. I want to make that clear. We spent a lot of time constructing this double standard, which we hope will one day traverse the entire southern border of our country, you know, to keep out the spics and the wetbacks."

The Daily Discord supports Snowden’s efforts and bumper stickers are now available on our website, such as Snowden Will ShowDem! and Hong Kong Stoolie! Available for only $19.95 plus shipping. Remember, you’re not a real American if you don’t purchase one today. Void where prohibited, but watch those public indecency laws.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal
GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is in a critical political condition today as doctors are concerned the group strained something while linking Obama to the IRS scandal. This, in the wake of their recent Honduran scandal-factory collapse, has all but ended the party’s hopes for an impeachment summer.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said, "The IRS scandal is real, which means if a plausible bridge can be constructed between the IRS and the Obama Administration, we would have enough blood flow to our penises that an ER visit may become necessary for some. Look, we have a lot of pseudo scandals that no one really understands. Getting louder and being repetitive is helpful for our batshit base but, let’s face it, the only other real scandal—that NSA/AP stuff—well, crap, we made that stuff legal long ago. So if we can’t pin the IRS scandal on the donkey, it’s going to be back to the Glenn Beck drawing board for the lot of us. And, frankly, I’m done sniffing the Sharpies for this party. Sure it helps generate a scandal but the associated rebound headaches suck."

Glenn Beck was unavailable for huffing.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Michelle Obama’s Heckler Added To Terrorist Watch…
Michelle Obama’s Heckler Added To Terrorist Watch…Never mind; drone strike successful
Never mind; drone strike successful
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
If I Had a More Powerful Telescope, Amy...
If I Had a More Powerful Telescope, Amy...We could see all the way to the GOP base
We could see all the way to the GOP base
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
George W. Bush Climbs Rubble in Bangladesh
George W. Bush Climbs Rubble in Bangladesh

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.  

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, "I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!"

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere...well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Obama Linked to Irish Potato Famine of 1845
Obama Linked to Irish Potato Famine of 1845, "We are not ruling out Obama's role in the blight of 1690" — Mitch McConnell
"We are not ruling out Obama's role in the blight of 1690" — Mitch McConnell
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
“Beware the Irrational, However Seductive”
—Christopher Hitchens
“Beware the Irrational, However Seductive” —Christopher Hitchens
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll
NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll

Washington, DC—The Neil Armstrong statue at Purdue University is being hauled away to be sold as scrap metal in an effort to "keep the lights on" claimed former astronaut and current NASA board member, Sally Ride.

"We tried a lot of other cost cutting measures first, scrapping the shuttle program, scrapping any future projects, and even closing our salad bar," said Ride. "Hell, we don’t even get glossy pictures back from the Hubble anymore and soon we’re going black and white only."

NASA’s brochure now reads, "Hey, most of space is black and white anyway, right?"

The Carl Sagan Memorial in Ithaca is also being targeted for some gold trim in the modest obelisk’s surface designs. "We wish there were more Sagan statues," said Ride. "We’d need a billion of ‘em," she said before laughing uncontrollably at her own joke.

As for their Rover Program, NASA is also cutting Opportunity loose. "It costs a lot of money to get messages back and forth from Mars every day and, frankly, we’ve used up all of our minutes this month anyway," said Ride. "Maybe it can find what’s left of its counterpart, Spirit, and finally settle down in a nice crater somewhere. We’re not paying their pensions, though. Screw that shit."

For the Discord’s really inappropriate rover coverage click here.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Angered Christie to Fight the Next Sandy with Sand!
Angered Christie to Fight the Next Sandy with Sand!

Longbeach Township, NJ—Governor Chris Christie explained to reporters his idea to build a 127-mile sand bar off the coast of New Jersey to act as a natural barrier to protect his state from the next superstorm. To appease Republicans he’s calling it the Liberty Sand Bar & Grill.

Many residents fear the dune will become a boardwalk. To these critics Christie said, "I have no interest in building anything other than a dune. I don't want to build a road, I don't want to build a shower, I don't want to build a hut." He then recited the second half of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, adlibbing at times with gems like, "I will not build it in a ditch, I will not build it on some bitch. I will not build a dock or tram, I’m not building shit, so F^&%ing scram!"

According to witnesses, the Governor then turned green, picked up the nearest vehicle, and hurled into an adjacent building.

After calming down, he recited part of Churchill’s speech, "We will fight storms on the beaches, and the landing grounds, yada yada." He then later warned, "Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t vote for me when I’m angry."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Bush Library Added to List of War Crimes
Bush Library Added to List of War Crimes

Washington, DC—All five living presidents attended the opening of the George W. Bush library to what our 43rd President called his new "liberrasey", which was so badly pronounced even after several attempts Microsoft Word remained suggestionless. 

Bush then added, "The whole liberry thing is mostly scratch-and-sniff and you can talk anywhere you want, even in the quiet sections, because of my ongoing dedication to freedom."

The Library is complete with a Torture wing, an Unnecessary War wing, and a How to End the American Dream Wing. "And, no, I’m not sorry about anything," added Bush. "Heck, that’s a wing too!"

An exact replica of Rodin’s The Thinker, only with Bush’s sculpted face, greets arriving visitors. These areas are all displayed to the stunning backdrop of larger-than-life size images of Bush "decid’n stuff" in the background. On the overhead speakers blares a breathtaking rendition of My Pet Goat, just as George Bush recited it to children on 9/11 as lower Manhattan and the Pentagon burned.

The Bush Library is already being sued by the ACLU for actions they consider "unbecoming of a library." There are strict rules listed on the back of each library card warning visitors that any failure to return material could result in heavy fines, deportation, or even enhanced Dewey Decimal techniques banned by the Geneva Conventions.

"This is my shit," said Bush. "Paid for by people just like you...well, of the dumb variety, heh, heh. Treat my shit with respect and enjoy the freedom all my decisioning made possible."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
School Fieldtrip Visits Last Moderate Republican
School Fieldtrip Visits Last Moderate Republican

Augusta, ME—Last week, Mrs. Donavan’s 10th grade class made the trip all the way from Gloucester, Massachusetts to Augusta, Maine to see the last moderate Republican in the country, Senator Susan Collins. The class made the 160-mile journey in a bus that runs on switchgrass, recycled cow manure, and love.

"Senator Collins was wonderful," said Mrs. Donavan. "She spoke in complete, unbroken sentences and almost made sense on several issues. In other words, by this time next year she’s toast. These children will grow up in a world where Republicans are all barely literate, ultra-conservative Christian soldiers. This was perhaps the last chance for them to actually speak to one...um, who can speak."

The teacher wanted to expose her students to Real America as well, "But that can be dangerous," warned Donavan. "I’d planned to follow the bus in my Prius, complete with an Obama/Biden bumper sticker. Have you ever seen a Prius without such a sticker? I believe it’s a law. Anyway, last year I was simply driving through Kansas but each time I slowed down below 65 mph I was fired upon."

Last May Mrs. Donavan considered taking her class all the way to Woodlands, Texas to visit Congressman Rob Eissler, but the Tea Party had already ejected him just prior to their visit.

"He wasn’t particularly moderate," said Donovan, "but he was about as close as you were going to get in Texas."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
After Ricin & Boston Attack U.S. To Invade Germany
After Ricin & Boston Attack U.S. To Invade Germany

Washington, DC— In the wake of the terrorist bombing in Boston and the ricin-laced letters, President Obama told reporters today he intends to unilaterally invade and occupy the country of Germany. Obama believes he has no choice now but to "bomb the crap out of those krauts."

The President said, "Bush invaded Iraq for oil and this is a much nobler cause. Germany has a great economy, they are approaching 50% solar, and the beer there rocks. We need those solar panels, so we must usurp that shit!" Obama later explained to Republicans that usurp means, "When you take something wrongfully by force." He then used the example of the 2004 election.

For many, the second stage of Obama’s plan to invade Turkey seems less linear. "There’s some nebulous connection between Turkey and Boston Chicken," explained Obama. "At least from a word association angle, so I’m nuking me some bird. Look, it made sense in my dream. Just be thankful I’m keeping Hagel from bombing Israel. Trust me, once Turkey is a budding democracy it will be a domino effect. Soon all the Muslim countries will abandon Allah and start worshipping the Allah mighty dollar. Heh, heh." Obama then laughed at his own joke for the next several minutes before releasing the hounds and scattering the remaining reporters.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Seven Mythical Creatures Dead after Botched Narnian Drone Attack

Narnia—The Shuddering Wood earned its name after two violent explosions occurred earlier today.  The aftermath of a Predator Drone attack left seven innocent mythical creatures dead, dozens injured, and many others asking the question, how could this have happened in a mythical place?  The number of U.S. Drone attacks on Narnian soil has increased markedly in recent weeks, which has further strained Narnian-U.S. relations.  The Pentagon is calling the botched drone attack "a major fuck-up."  Major Fuckup was unavailable for comment. 

Four minotaurs, two centaurs, and one faun were reportedly frolicking near the western end of the Shuddered Wood when eye witnesses claim all hell broke loose.

"It was all really peaceful like and then, all of a sudden, the manure hit the windmill," said Nimienus a local faun.  "That’s not a metaphor, there’s still a clump dangling off one of the mill’s sails."

The Drone attacks were ordered after the Pentagon received what they thought to be a credible tip regarding the whereabouts of the White Witch.  President Obama called the incident "deeply regrettable" and extended his sincerest apology to Prince Caspian.  Obama hopes the White Witch will be apprehended soon and that U.S. and Narnian relations can return toward "an agenda based on mythical goals and mythical respect."

"But until then," Obama warned, "I’m dropping more bombs on that evil bitch’s ass."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
The "Media Research" Center
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love picking on the Media Research Center (MRC). I chose not to put mock quotes around the word "center", because they are the center...of insanity. I am a subscriber so I never miss one compelling post from the heart of the paranoia realms. For me the MRC, headed by Brent Bozell, equates to endless hours of free entertainment. Yeah, this is one media watchdog group that should probably be put down as rabid.

The Easter Story Cover Up
The Easter Story Cover Up

Washington, DCIf eyewitness accounts are accurate, on Easter Sunday President Barack Obama dove in front of the Easter Bunny after a car backfired near the White House. But why has his seemingly heroic act to save this holiday icon getting so little coverage? The lame stream media is completely ignoring this important story.

Christians immediately begged the question, would he have done the same for Jesus? Since the Easter Bunny is a pagan creation, symbolizing sexual prowess, many Christians believe Obama was simply protecting his Mojo.  Is this further proof Obama is a hedonistic heathen?

Republican crackpot, Rick Santorum, also believes this supports his theory gay marriage leads to bestiality. "Look at the footage," said Santorum. "While the children searched for treats, what exactly was Obama doing with the Easter Bunny in those bushes?"

Obama responded, "Santorum is splitting hares." When the groaner received endless bad press, the President later told the press, "Just be glad I didn’t go with the ‘my Peter in his Cottontail’ joke. Heh heh."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
CPAC Summary: This Time Let's Get Crazy Right!
CPAC Summary: This Time Let's Get Crazy Right! How do we sell our bad ideas to a broader audience?
How do we sell our bad ideas to a broader audience?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Sequester Forces "Ramen Noodle Wednesdays" at White House
Sequester Forces "Ramen Noodle Wednesdays" at White House

Washington, DC—No one is sure if President Barack Obama gave the executive order to add Ramen Noodle Wednesdays to the menu, but staffers claim the inexpensive Chinese noodle will be a White House staple until the sequester situation is resolved.  The menu typically includes a main meal plus the soup of the day. However, Wednesdays will now consist of no main course and only Ramen Noodles as both the soup and the dessert.

When the head chef was asked if that was a typo, Cris Comerford, said, "No, with a little white chocolate and some pecans we can make the noodles into crunchy vanilla clusters. We call them Patriot Piles here at the White House. Heh, heh." When asked if the dessert will be made from the leftover soup, Comerford seemed insulted, "No, No, we serve dessert immediately after the soup. I don’t think we’d have to actually strain the leftover Ramen Noodles to make the dessert...well, unless the next debt ceiling thing goes south."

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, dodged questions today regarding rumors the White House plans introduce a weekly Leftovers Day, which in a leaked memo, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, referred to as Operation: Search or Starve.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall
Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall

Washington, DC— Fifty-eight-years ago in Alabama, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a segregated bus and by doing so triggered a civil rights shit storm not seen since The Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Parks apparently also never served on jury duty or returned any of her library books. Yet she was honored last week with a bronze statue that will forever reside at the National Statuary Hall. Due to a number of missteps, however, many are calling the ceremony "a fiasco". Organizers unfortunately chose to play The Beatles’ Get Back as the statue was being unveiled.

Director of the exhibit, Dan Godfrey, said, "Hey, at least we didn’t go with our original idea, George Thorogood’s Move It On Over."

About halfway through the ceremony the statue was suddenly dragged to the back of the hall by a crane, causing outrage and...er...sorry, Thesaurus.com crashed tonight.

"This was not meant as an insult," insisted Godfrey. "We were simply correcting a layout mistake. We were actually reserving that spot for Chris Christie for his work after Hurricane Sandy and he’s obviously going to need some space."

President Barack Obama told those in attendance, "We can do no greater honor than to remember and to carry forward the power of...sorry, Teleprompter.com crashed tonight."

Then John Boehner stared at the new Parks statue, sobbed uncontrollably for a while, and said, "Well, she did break the law at the time, but ditto I suppose."

Organizers admitted they also got the plaque wrong. As it turns out, Rosa Parks never said, "Get these MFing snakes off this MFing bus!"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Hagel Declares War on Israel!
Hagel Declares War on Israel!

Washington, DC—In his first action as our new Defense Secretary, Chuck "Hamas Loving" Hagel, dropped onto a mat, praised Allah, and started his ablutions toward Mecca. Many fear Hagel, not entirely sure where his office is yet, is already preparing to unleash the full force of the United States military on "those Jewish MFs." Upon hearing the news Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu immediately expanded some settlements in the back of his pants.

Although Hagel’s military operation, Nosh & Awe, relies heavily on air and fridge raids, he is nevertheless deploying all of our openly gay military men and women to the Middle Eastern front. Each day more of our fabulous marines are being air dropped on Tel Aviv, or Ground Zero, as it is known to our Air Force. Most are only armed with rainbow targets on their backs and LGBTQ literature.

Hagel told the press, "Look, it’s simple, I have lots of enemies and by this time tomorrow I’ll have much much less. We will attempt to minimize civilian deaths, well, as much as we can after the detonation of a thermonuclear device in a country the size of New Jersey, ha, ha, ha..." He actually laughed much longer and more diabolically, but we shortened it.

Hagel, described by his children and pets as "already drunk with power", is creating extensive lists of friends and enemies. Currently torn between supporting or ending his own political party, our 24th Defense Secretary is weighing his options carefully.

"I still feel a certain affinity toward the GOP," said Hagel, while awkwardly petting a cat. "My feelings are fluctuating between giving them each a great big hug all the way to targeting them with drone enemas. I’m trying to quit the GOP. I kind of look at it like attending Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Chuck Hagel. I’m a recovering Conservative. It’s been nine days since I made a political decision based on bullshit."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Zombienomics or Night of the Living Prez
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Washington, DC—Last night, the rotting corpses of several deceased U.S. presidents reanimated themselves in an attempt to stabilize the economy from beyond the grave and "to put an end to this Pirate Bay thing."

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part Two)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

Norquist to Unleash Government Shrink Ray!

Washington, DC—Grover Norquist of the infamous "Norquist Tax Pledge" is threatening to use a diabolical machine of his own creation. Mr. Norquist dropped out of the public eye several months ago after many began viewing his tax ideas as "stupid" and "really stupid." It is believed the tax-crazed political hack has been building a secret lab under our Capitol for many years. Deep in his subterranean layer, with only reruns of Pinky and the Brain to keep him company, the Conservative spokesman has been busy weaving his next diabolical plot. He now claims to wield the most sinister weapon since North Korea’s latest dildo-like missile fail (DLMF).

Norquist is threatening to use what he is calling his "Government Shrink Ray" on all of our largest government funded agencies and institutions.

The Obama Administrations is refusing any and all of Norquist’s demands, which among other things included Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume.

"Look," said President Obama, "if we allow him to shrink government, he already said he would strangle what was left in a bath tub. I would rather give Putin our nuclear codes or give Ahmadinejad my personal cell phone number. Besides, we would have to see some proof of this fantastic weapon."

Norquist responded, "I have actually had a smaller prototype for several years and I have already tested that once. Do you remember what happened back in April of 2010? Do you remember an agency called ACORN? MwHa ha ha ha ha!"

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

Gun Enthusiasts Use Zombie Threat to Justify Arsenals
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, "All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!"  This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.

The GOP: Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
By The Crank
The Crank

I got an email today from Reince Preibus, or whatever the F his name is, the head of the GOP. It seems that they now want to hear from the average Republicans—you know, people with real jobs—about how they can improve the party’s platform. I will now relate to youse’ my rather Cranky reply:

Woman Manatee Rider Added to "Manatee Offender List"

Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz' wet bar (we're sure it's one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

"The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can't seem to stay the F off the manatees," said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. "President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?"

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to "tap the glass". For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, "We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM)."

The Daily Discord's Cokie McGrath added, "Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don't think so. Why don't we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?"

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord's worst jokes of the week... "Oh, the hu-manatee!"

Kidding, we've had worse.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capitol Building
GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capital Building, Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment
Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. "A two hundred and twenty something year old fish," added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the "drone death list."

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, "I’m making a list and checking it twice...I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em."

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his....well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was "slightly impulsive," and then later blamed his actions on being "caught up in the moment."

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some "pull my trigger-finger" variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, "He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here." Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins...er, which is an affront to donuts...of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
By Mick Zano
Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
Mick Zano

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, "Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?" The answer is sure...just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?
Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the "Full Palin" as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, "I think Fisties would be best."

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, "How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?"

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, "The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis."

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, "Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing."

Boehner replied, "I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo," which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, "Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House...except cookie catcher. I love that shit!"

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could "get a hole in one". After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, "The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved."

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Clinton Creates Nano-Blood Clot to Avoid Testifying
Clinton Creates Nano-Blood Clot to Avoid Testifying, What will those diabolical Dems think of next?
What will those diabolical Dems think of next?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
After The Next Congress Recess What If We Just Change All The Locks On The Capital Building?
After The Next Congress Recess What If We Just Change All The Locks On The Capital Building?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
"Why did the Mayans Build the Fiscal Cliffs in the first place?"
"Why did the Mayans Build the Fiscal Cliffs in the first place?" "They were probably Republicans."
"They were probably Republicans."
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Elves are Ho Ho Homeless After Santa’s Reign of Terror
Elves are Ho Ho Homeless After Santa’s Reign of Terror

North Pole—Old St. Nick is up to no good again this holiday season after he effectively ended all collective bargaining rights for the elves who work in his toy factory. The toy makers are complaining about the cold working conditions, the lack of healthcare, and how they are forced to work 364 days a year compared to their "fat CEO who only works one bloody overnight!"

Santa told the press, "If they want healthcare the little bastards need to stop living so long. Raise the Medicare eligibility age to four-hundred and you won’t faze one of those little shits."

Santa is apparently still in a Yule-time rage over the election results. When asked if he was concerned about his jolly old image, Santa said, "I deliver more toys to rich kids, always have. Christmas is big business! Besides, Democrats have always been behind the War on Christmas and those damn Occupiers were here last year. They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits. The bastards all kept going on about Climate Change, like I’m going to complain if it goes from -10° Fahrenheit to -8°. Wankers! You just need to get the Snow Miser off the booze and we’ll balance the weather all right."

When asked how he got rid of the Occupy encampments, Santa replied, "As it turns out Bumbles apparently do bounce, at least they do down at Christmas Town’s red and green light district. Ho ho ho bags. You should have seen the looks on those barely employable liberal faces. And if any of you hippie bastards try that shit again I’ll have the Winter Warlock freeze your beards to my sleigh runners!"

He then ended the interview with a joke, "What’s the difference between Santa Claus and an Occupy Wall Streeter? Santa at least works one day a year. Ho ho ho!"

He actually said two jokes but the other one isn’t really appropriate for this publication.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation
The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation: "Mmmm, liquidation"
"Mmmm, liquidation"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Because Our Stupidity Goes to 11!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?
Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, "I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls."

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, "Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters."

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"
Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. "We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains."

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, "We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla."

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, "Sometimes, yes, other times not so much."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
We Should Win A Pulitzer for This!
We Should Win A Pulitzer for This! Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Apu Weighs In On Hostess Debacle
Apu Reacts to Hostess Going Chapter 11, "Almost as bad as the Great Squishee Shortage of ‘97"
"It's almost as bad as the Great Squishee Shortage of '97"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
By The Crank
You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
The Crank

I sit here today with a heavy heart, a fogged mind, and one hell of a headache. After barely recovering from the tragic turn of events on Election Failure Day, I am faced with yet another piece of the puzzle from Uh-mericuh—a land without liberty, a land without riches, and now…a land without Twinkies. I was not ready for yet another blow to my rather tenuous grasp on sanity, but this one really takes the cake (sorry).

I Remember A Time When Scandals Weren’t Imaginary
I Remember A Time When Scandals Weren’t Imaginary, and they were made right here in America
And they were made right here in America
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Twitanic
Twitanic, LIVE HO-HOs! LIVE!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour
Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour

Washington, DC—For his 2nd term, President Barack Obama has decided to just piss off Republicans. He doesn’t feel our system is horribly functional right now, so annoying the GOP is his highest priority. He started by bowing to Admiral General Aladeen, the Tyrant of Wadiya, earlier today. Obama plans to spend lots of taxpayer money while bowing to other world leaders across the globe.

Obama told reporters, "Look, instead of helping to fix the damage they caused, the GOP made its primary mission to make me a one term president, so screw ‘em."

Vice President Joe Biden plans to create an actual death panel for the Affordable Care Act. They will have the power to, not only deny treatment for certain conditions, but they will have the authority to eliminate targeted healthy people as well.

The President plans to go on a nonstop world vacation in the guise of a business trip. "Not only am I going to bow to everyone and anyone," said Obama, "I may do some oral sex photo simulations as well. And this term we’re really going to focus on hindering small businesses. Enough of this tax breaks and helping them shit. I may even park my motorcade in front of some to block traffic. The best part is, we’ve designed a machine that allows food stamps to literally fall out of my ass while I walk. Heh, heh."

When asked what he would be apologizing for this round, the President said, "Biden." He then added the word, "Duh."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
You Don't Have Romney to Kick Around Anymore
You Don't Have Romney to Kick Around Anymore, Thank the comedy gods Bachmann is still in
Thank the comedy gods Bachmann is still in
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Dear Fox News
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters
Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement "several hundred times".

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, "Have you voted yet?!" and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, "You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!"

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, "I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill."

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

"I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers," said Rove. "You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!"

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called "Joker and Two-Face", which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Klingons Mourn the Loss of a Kindred Spirit Today
Klingons Mourn the Loss of a Kindred Spirit Today
Klingons Vow to Avenge Romney!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
"Voting neo-fascist or neo-Marxist?" asked Piglet. "I prefer Neo from The Matrix," said Pooh.
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Paul Dunk, On Assignment, Massachusetts
By Paul Dunk
Paul Dunk

CDC, Atlanta—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta are set to announce on Friday a link between televised political ads and the recent nationwide outbreak of lung infection. A spokesperson at the CDC, Eileen DuBonnet, said to expect more details at Friday’s press conference, but that the findings are "based on surveys taken by over 18,000 citizens who have fallen ill at some point during the past two months." These victims, according to DuBonnet, are experiencing symptoms ranging from a "dry, hacking cough," to, "thoughts of suicide."

I Hope Mitt Lets Me Out Of His Binder Soon
I Hope Mitt Lets Me Out Of His Binder Soon
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Surviving in a Post-Truth World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What if Romney wins? How will that impact our already tenuous grip on reality? What the hell happens when we institutionalize the House of Rove? A place where people can say anything, minus fact-checkers, minus any objectivity, minus any political consequences for lying? We already have that, it’s called a spoof news site—well, some consequences, but we’ll leave the Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise lawsuit out of this.

Entire Focus Group Thinks Romney Won Last Debates
Entire Focus Group Thinks Romney Won Last Debates

Washington, DC—Fox News’s Minister of Meme Management, Dr. Frank Luntz, has officially laid the coveted Goebbels’ Egg today. Dr. Luntz, an integral part of the Republican bubble of non-reality, is best known for his ability to harness every American’s inherent stupidity.

"We vote 80% on emotion and 20% on intellect and that last number is just too high," warned Luntz.

This pollster of pollsters, this inventor of the unfocused group, this "it’s not what you say, but what they hear" steaming pile of propaganda is thrilled with recent developments. "It’s remarkable," said Luntz, "I have hatched an entire group of Americans who think Romney, despite his poor performances, actually won the last two debates. This is beyond my wildest expectations. Nearly half the country doesn’t even think Romney lost a single exchange...even last night when several times he said the President’s policies haven’t worked and then paraphrased the President’s policies...even the one before that when the moderator corrected Romney in real time and told him to ‘sit the F back down, bitch.’"

For years Karl Rove has used Dr. Luntz and his minions to foment this alternate universe and their hard work has finally paid off.

When asked who he thought actually won the last two debates, Dr. Luntz said, "This is not about opinions. This is not even about the proliferation of bullshit. This IS bullshit! Plato’s bullshit! The archetypal steamy mound of emotional metaphors. Your brains, your thoughts, your views are all mine. Mine! Mwahahaha!"

Karl Rove was unavailable for comment. He was rushed to the hospital earlier today with an erection that has lasted for more than four hours.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Mitt Romney Has the Invisible Plan
Mitt Romney Has the Invisible Plan, Opening January 20, 2013 (maybe)
Opening January 20, 2013 (maybe)
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Romney Courts the Undead Vote
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
By Mick Zano
Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the "Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s" request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
By The Crank
First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
The Crank

Shortly after the re-inauguration of Barak Obama, I was in line at Carl’s Jr. when they came for me. I had heard about the banning of large drinks in New York and thought, "Wow, good thing I live in Arizona." People here don’t like so much Government involvement in their daily lives. That’s why Arizona has a stockpile of weirdness. We were free to be as weird as we wanted and we like it that way. After all, true freedom is the freedom to not be like everyone else, even when that means having no brains. It’s who we are.

Are We Better Off Than We Were Four Years Ago?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Umm, let me think (cue squiggly flashback sequence): I had just lost everything in the stock market, I was doctor shopping for benzodiazepines, and after I drank myself to sleep each night with a bucket of vodka, I prayed to the God Yig that Bush wouldn’t start a land war in Iran. Umm, yeah, I’m thinking a tad better. Now I’m in therapy instead of abusing valium and I’m almost completely off the vodka...er, well, I do occasionally chug hand sanitizer when my sponsor isn’t looking.

Tomb of the Unknown Candidate
Tomb of the Unknown Candidate, Let no man say he did not give 53%!
Let no man say he did not give 53%!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Romney Campaign Blaming Chief Strategist
Romney Campaign Blaming Chief Strategist, In his defense, he did already fire Dr. Evil
In his defense, he did already fire Dr. Evil
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Limbaugh on DNC: A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!
Limbaugh on DNC A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!

Palm Beach, FL—Rush Limbaugh is not backing off The Discord’s totally fictitious headline today. But come on, Rush, you were thinking it. After last night’s Democratic National Convention, Limbaugh also tweeted, "I’m just calling a spade a spade" and "I wish those bitches' parents had used birth control!" Come on, Rush...admit it, you blankety, blank, blank!

A note from Mick Zano:

Sorry about that. Getting into Rush’s brain brings me to a dark place sometimes. While on a road trip yesterday, I unfortunately subjected myself to hours of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity. None of them addressed a word of Clinton’s speech. Not a word. Umm, sorry to burst your bubble, literary, but your entire economic worldview was dismantled in 48-minutes by a man who actually balanced the budget. Oh, he also said how the GOP keeps lying all the time and now lives comfortably in an alternate reality. Sounds like he reads The Discord.

Instead of addressing Clinton's damning economic appraisal of conservative "ideas", the right wing media chose instead to cover the Dems flip-flopping on removing "God-given" from their platform language. This was their coverage ALL day. Sure the Democrats understand, as our founding fathers did, the need for a separation of church and state, and sure there's a growing number of atheists out there, so what? But how about a compromise? I know, that's a joke too. But I'll tell you what, we’ll leave the part about the magic Santa-like man who lives in the clouds in our platform, if you add science and arithmetic to yours!

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Umm, What Are You People Selling Exactly?
Umm, What Are You People Selling Exactly?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Rebutt! The End is Nigh!
By The Crank
The Crank

Please let me preface the following article by stating that I may not be writing this whilst in the best of moods. The Crank’s humble domicile has experienced a water issue of biblical proportions. I am writing this after three days of industrial wind machines 24-hrs a day, cats locked up in solitary, bitching constantly as they tend to do, a spouse asking "when will it be over?" as incessantly as a kid on a car trip asking "are we there yet?" So forgive me in advance.

Dozen More Injured During Reenactment of Empire State Shooting
Dozen More Injured During Reenactment of Empire State Shooting

New York, NY—Midtown Manhattan was once again ablaze with gunfire as several police offers opened fire on pedestrians today outside of the Empire State Building. NYPD is claiming the tragedy started out as a mock reenactment of the recent shooting on August 24th.

NYPD chief, Ray Kelly, told the press, "We don’t know why all of our officers had live ammunition. They were supposed to be fitted with blanks prior to the exercise. This time we were lucky. No one dealt a fatal blow to the officer playing the role of the gunman. Actually, he was never hit. And, thank God, the other 12-pedestrians suffered only minor injuries."

When asked about the three critical injuries, Kelly said, "I have requested to only be briefed on the minor injuries, because I’m having a bad enough day already."

When asked why one officer kept firing into the crowd at random for "what seemed an eternity" to witnesses, Kelly said, "There’s always going to be one guy who really gets caught up in the moment and keeps mowing down innocents until someone taps him on the shoulder and brings him back to reality. Luckily, my guys can’t shoot for shit. We can only hope we shot some assholes today. There are, in fact, a lot of assholes in New York, so, statistically speaking, we probably shot some today."

NYPD is postponing their 9/11 reenactment and their 64 Harlem Riots reenactment, pending a full investigation.

"Well, we might go ahead with the riot," said Kelly. "It’s Harlem, lot of assholes out there."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
God Gives GOP a "Time Out"
God Gives GOP a "Time Out"

Tampa, FL—God is reportedly "very unhappy" with Republican values, which he feels have reached almost oxymormon levels. "That’s not a typo," said God. "It’s a Romney Mormon joke, heh, heh. That one killed ‘em in Nazareth. No, I’m sick of the GOP. They’re getting what they deserve."

Tampa Mayor, Bob Buckhorn, feels God is "raining on his parade" and demanded God send Moses to part the hurricane’s tidal surge, so this important convention could proceed as scheduled. Buckhorn also added, "Stop being such an omni-buttinsky!" and later, "Why don’t you say that shit to my face, bitch?!"

God responded with a targeted storm surge that swept the Mayor and his family out to sea, where they are presumably damp.

God said, "Look, I turned Isaac west. This was more intended as a warning shot across the bow kind of thing, or a time out. I didn’t want to derail the entire convention, but maybe shorten it a bit. You have to understand, I’m omnipresent, so I have to sit through this entire fucking thing."

When asked about dropping the F-bomb, God said, "I’m also omnipotent so by definition I don’t make retractions." Then God recited an excerpt from what he called the Gospel of Isaac. "God will show no mercy!"

Biblical scholars believe God meant to say the Gospel of Isaiah, and he kind of reversed the meaning of the original quote a bit.

God reiterated his ‘no retractions ever’ policy using five of George Carlin’s Words You Can Never Say on TV...quite creatively. He then warned if the GOP didn’t "wise up", he would make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a Snooki tirade.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Prince Harry and Rep. Yoder to Swim Amstel Naked!
Prince Harry and Rep. Yoder to Swim Amstel Naked!

Amsterdam, NL—Congressman Kevin Sea of GaliWeewee Yoder and Prince Isn’t it Supposed to Stay in Vegas? Harry plan to double down on their recent antics. The pair is scheduled to meet in Amsterdam over Labor Day weekend to kick things up a notch. After imbibing heavily on the Blood of Christ, Rep. Yoder plans to strip to some reggae music outside of the Anne Frank Museum. "Oh, and I have an announcement," said Yoder. "Where better to come out of the closet, eh?"

Meanwhile, Prince Harry is planning an English style pub-crawl that will culminate at the Space Cake cart over on Blitzedbuggerstraat.

Rep. Yoder told the press today, "It’ll be like in the Wonder Twins. We touch rings, we say, ‘team drunkenness activate, form of nakedness’. It will be kind of like that, only way cooler."

At the designated hour, the two will rendezvous at the Heineken Brewery, strip off their clothing, and then dive into the Amstel River to the cheers of adoring fans. EMTs will be standing by as the Amstel River makes New York’s East River seem like a Poland Springs’ commercial.

"No one is going to even know who Lady F-ing Godiva is after this stunt," said Prince Harry.

Her majesty, the Queen, is forbidding the young Prince to participate and the GOP is warning Yoder that he may take increased criticism from his Kansas constituents.

Prince Harry replied, "Piss off! The Queen will let me out of the Tower of London by Labor Day, guaranteed. See you in space cake land, Yoder!"

Rep. Yoder added, "Look, no one in Kansas is going to elect a Democrat. I could get high on meth one night and dig up Reagan and I’m still a shoe-in."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Geeks Threaten Internet If Bullies Don’t Beat Themselves Up
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

The Dumpster behind Comic Con—In an unprecedented move, the Geeks of America have united under a common banner. Their ultimate goal is revenge against all the people who plagued them through high school. The Geeks took time away from their coveted Las Vegas Comic Con to hatch an ingenious plot—which was quite a sacrifice as Scarlett Johansson was due to appear in her Black Widow costume and later Leonard Nimoy was going to recite Hobbit poetry in Johansson’s Black Widow costume.

Romney Having a Hard Time Relating to Voters
Romney Having a Hard Time Relating to Voters
Note to self: kiss the baby, don't crush
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Semi-Unified Conspiracy Theories
By The Crank
The Crank

There’s a lot going on today and with our media tanking it’s time we learned the truth! Conspiracy theories are rampant, yet what are we to make of the Age of Misinformation? The Daily Discord has paid me handsomely to get to the bottom of several of the leading stories of our time. I, The Crank, found most of the loose strings of a generation and tied them into a nice little bow. On that note, I could really use that case of Coca Cola now, Mr. Winslow. It would be better for everyone if it arrived soon…

Regime Change at Penn State!
Regime Change at Penn State!
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
God Angered By Obamacare Ruling!
God Angered By Obamacare Ruling!
DC plunged into darkness
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
King’s Correction, "Why Can’t We All Just Get a Loan?"
King’s Correction, "Why Can’t We All Just Get a Loan?"

Rialto, CA—Rodney King’s lawyers have released startling statements from his last will and testament. The man known for sparking the 1991 L.A. Riots and for his inability to fend off LAPD—or swimming pools—amended his famous statement, "Why can’t we all just get along?" to "get a loan."

King allegedly wrote, "You see, my wife and I had shitty credit at the time and no one was lending us any money. So we needed a loan." King later failed to correct his misstatement with the press because, "It became popular, so I just kind of went with it. I never did get that mother f***ing loan."

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Police Department is suing The Daily Discord for our marquee joke earlier this week:

After battling for survival since 1991 Rodney King finally succumbs to his injuries.

We would really like to retract that, but...on second thought, we would like to dedicate it to LA’s finest.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Occupy the Tea Party
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s absurd what’s happening today, and not just because of my last post about the Facebook Nazis. We are in dire straits, folks, and, Mark my words, I have had a Knopfler. (The Sultans of Swing Voters?) Sorry. Half our country can’t motivate and the other half probably shouldn’t. The Occupy movement remains rudderless and the Tea Party has charted a clear and exact course toward some jagged rocks.

Cost of War in Iraq: $1 Trillion
Cost of War in Afghanistan: $2 Trillion
Cost of War in Iraq $1 Trillion, Cost of War in Afghanistan $2 Trillion, Dismantling the al-Qaeda network for the price of about 57 Drones, priceless
Dismantling the al-Qaeda network for the price of about 57 drones: priceless
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Edwards Admits to his Friends, his Family and the World How He Really Wanted to Nail Juror Seven
Edwards Admits to his Friends, his Family and the World How He Really Wanted to Nail Juror Seven
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered!
Jesus was a Republican! "Lost Gospel of Palin" Discovered! Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
Reveals God's plan: energy, tax cuts, and lift American spirits
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa
Greece Downgraded and Relocated to Africa

Athens, GR—The final insult to a once proud civilization came today when Angela Merkel of Germany downgraded Greece to a countrytoid. The Prime Minister formally kicked them out of the EU and with a word banished the lot to Northern Africa. Germany is funding the €27 billion project to have Greece towed south across the Mediterranean Sea.

Merkel told the world today, "I did not come to this decision lightly, but it’s kind of like when you are in a division we’re each night your team gets pummeled. Once in Northern Africa, Greece will find itself winning some games, at least comparatively. And, if and when they earn their first €27 billion, we will be happy to reconsider their EU application and the logistics of their return trip."

The Greek President, Karolos Papouplias, warns that the God Zeus is prepared to come to his country’s aid.

Zeus later denied this claim, "Look, I generally like to turn into an assortment of animal forms and hump some mortal women now and again. That’s pretty much my whole itinerary these days."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
In the Mail Today
In the Mail Today
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour
Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour

Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, "Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font."

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, "She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta."

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. "I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’"

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. "Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle," said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, "Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?" Gingrich replied, "Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Sole Survivor of Japanese Tsunami "Ghost Ship" Speaks!
Sole Survivor of Japanese Tsunami "Ghost Ship" Speaks! He kept saying, "Gojira!! Gojira!!!"
He kept saying, "Gojira!! Gojira!!!"
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Obama Dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf...
Obama dispatches Enterprise to Persian Gulf, replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
...replacing foreign oil with controlled matter/anti-matter reaction
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
By Mick Zano
Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he...). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen
Bleary Eyed Politician Declares War on Pollen

Lexington, KY—State Representative Ted Harkins (R) told reporters today, "We are losing the war on allergies and this new ‘March Bloom’ is the last straw." Harkins later told reporters he’s allergic to straw as well.

Representative Harkins, known for his anti-pollen legislation, was also the first to coin the term Microgametophytic Fascism. He believes if his sneezing fits continue, he will lose the next election and an important General in the War on Pollen will be silenced. And by silenced, he means intermittent sneezing, coughing and sobbing.

When asked if the early bloom had anything to do with Climate Change, he said, "No. Global Goreing is just a liberal distraction. Tree hugging socialists are just the types the pollen hordes want in power. Look, pollen is plant sperm. Plant sperm in our noses! It’s the world’s flora attempting to hump the whole blooming planet! Nostril sex is an abomination."

In the name of fiscal conservatism, Harkins proposes ramping up the defoliation of the main offenders across our state and national forests.

"Plants, trees, grass, and those MFing flowers must go," said Harkins. "As the Bible tells us, we were here first and they’re no longer welcome. If I’m reelected I will use all of our state’s resources to eradicate all things green and hay fever evoking."

When asked about signing Grover Norquist’s no tax pledge, he said, "No problem. We can fund this project entirely by defunding everything else."

"Harkins has my vote," said one person, who’s in no way fictional. "We shouldn’t be forced to spend our lives in urban areas, avoiding city parks like the plague. Of course, I can’t go into parks anyway after the ‘incident’ but it’s the principle."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Discord Dissident Disses the Debt Deal Debacle
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let’s be clear here, this is a non rebuttal rebuttal (NRR), Mr. Crank. Keeping my mouth shut is not always easy, as my librarian can attest, but I will try to keep the rebut-thing to a minimum. This post will cover our continued budget woes, what the Florida shooting says about society, and the Discord’s failed attempt at being a uniter. Who’d have thought a site called The Daily Discord would fail to bring people together? Shocking.

Dick Cheney "Doing Great" after Heart Transplant
Dick Cheney "Doing Great" after Heart Transplant, although his breath is magnified and a little raspy
Although his breath is magnified and a little raspy
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
What did you expect? Welcome, Sonny? Thanks for nabbing Bin Laden? Thanks for avoiding a depression?
What did you expect? Welcome, Sonny? Thanks for nabbing Bin Laden? Thanks for avoiding a depression?
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
Mysterious Phoenix Explosion Explained
Mysterious Phoenix Explosion Explained

Phoenix, AZ—On the evening of March 9th a strange explosion in the Northwest Valley was captured by Fox News 10. The power company immediately denied any transformer blow outs and the large, unexplained flash of light remained a mystery, until now.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio finally made a statement to the press yesterday, explaining the mysterious flash. The Sheriff admitted he and his department used a bazooka to eliminate a flagrant j-walking menace from nearby Mesa. Parts of the j-walker later arrived at Scottsdale Medical Center, while other parts arrived at Arizona Regional in Mesa.

"We only recovered 60% of the ‘alleged’ offender," said Arpaio, "but I can tell you one thing, that bastard will not be blatantly ignoring crosswalks again in my town."

Sherriff Arpaio came under considerable scrutiny last year for using a SWAT team and a tank to break up a cock fighting ring that turned out to be a pacifist farmer who just loves his cock.

Rooster spokesperson, Foghorn Leghorn, had this to say, "I say, I say, this man’s a bleeping menace. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet javelinas."

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Springfield Elects Mayor for 17th Term
Springfield Elects Mayor for 17th Term

Springfield, ??—Joseph "Putin" Quimby won Re-election today in a landslide victory over his opponent, Grounds Keeper Willy. Pundits believe that Super PAC funds from an unnamed nuclear power plant owner, and rampant voter intimidation sealed the deal for the incumbent.

Even Quimby’s harshest critics did not deny how animated he’s been throughout this campaign. Quimby, affectionately known to locals as Joe the Mayor, ran on a record of creating the 6-1/2 day work week, the squelching of all local unions, and the complete gutting of regulations at Springfield’s nuclear power plant.

Quimby told reporters, "Aside from their close proximity, there is no proven connection between the power plant and the three-eyed fish." The Mayor also claimed the many glowing objects in the surrounding area "actually help people see at night and increases tourism."

During the course of the race Quimby’s team, the committee to Re-elect the mayor, or CREEM, further developed that argument, eventually using the issue as a standing talking-point. They claimed it demonstrated the opponent party’s "well-known callous disregard for human life, [as the] Liberals once again put their love for enviro-fascism ahead of the welfare and safety of Mr. Burns…er, the American people."

The Mayor’s oft invoked slogan, "You Don’t Eat the Fish’s Eyes Anyway" was met with wild cheers from his supporters.

Quimby refused to comment on his competition’s not-so-gracious consolation speech where several people were injured as Willy drove a tractor over supporters and critics alike, pumping his fists and shouting things decidedly Scottish.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
Man Admits He's Not a Huge Paul Fan
Man Admits He's Not a Huge Paul Fan, "I just can't beat this damn OCD."
"I just can't beat this damn OCD."
 
Enlarge...
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Subscribe to the Discord
 
GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!
By The Crank
GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!

Yeah, that’s right, The Crank is finally calling out the right wing. Why don’t you just put the f*&^ing election into a pretty foil box with a bow and hand it to Obama and say, "Sorry we bothered." Or put on the cake, Enjoy Four More Years, oh Anointed One.

Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Oba