Dem-mess-cuss, Syria—President Barack Obama is pleased to announce the organizers of his infamous Mexican gun-running program are slated to replace his Syrian Humanitarian Initiative Team. He now plans to directly arm the Syrian rebels and will support them as part of operation: How Assholes Pushed the President to Effin’ Nuke Syria.

Effectively immediately, Operation S.H.I.T. will be replaced by Operation H.A.P.P.E.N.S. The U.S. military will play a more direct military role: "Which has worked out so well in the past," explained Obama. "When we start arming the Syrian rebels, I am confident these weapons will not fall into the wrong hands....um, or at least our agents on the Mexican border won’t be effected."

Many on team Obama feel the decision to choose sides in a thousand year old Muslim religious conflict sounds like "great fun" and Vice President Joe Biden added, "What could possibly go wrong?"

Many are concerned this action will tank our still fragile economic recovery. President Obama told critics, "Look, I know this is a dumb idea, but domestic and international pressure demands I do something stupid.  If you want our foreign policy to start making sense, start deporting neocons. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a muzzle on Bill Clinton once in a while."

Hong Kong—In an unprecedented twist to an already difficult situation, former CIA employee and whistleblower, Edward Snowden, is releasing all of his personal emails to-and-from several former girlfriends.

"I am not a hero," claimed Snowden. "I just hate some of those skanks. People need to know the shit I had to put up with. I think some of them actually enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others...the bitches."

John Q. Republican added, "Look, if this was during a republican administration the release of government secrets would be treason, but a man uncovering shit we made possible while a Democrat is in the Oval Office? ...hell, that’s heroism. I want to make that clear. We spent a lot of time constructing this double standard, which we hope will one day traverse the entire southern border of our country, you know, to keep out the spics and the wetbacks."

The Daily Discord supports Snowden’s efforts and bumper stickers are now available on our website, such as Snowden Will ShowDem! and Hong Kong Stoolie! Available for only $19.95 plus shipping. Remember, you’re not a real American if you don’t purchase one today. Void where prohibited, but watch those public indecency laws.

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is in a critical political condition today as doctors are concerned the group strained something while linking Obama to the IRS scandal. This, in the wake of their recent Honduran scandal-factory collapse, has all but ended the party’s hopes for an impeachment summer.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said, "The IRS scandal is real, which means if a plausible bridge can be constructed between the IRS and the Obama Administration, we would have enough blood flow to our penises that an ER visit may become necessary for some. Look, we have a lot of pseudo scandals that no one really understands. Getting louder and being repetitive is helpful for our batshit base but, let’s face it, the only other real scandal—that NSA/AP stuff—well, crap, we made that stuff legal long ago. So if we can’t pin the IRS scandal on the donkey, it’s going to be back to the Glenn Beck drawing board for the lot of us. And, frankly, I’m done sniffing the Sharpies for this party. Sure it helps generate a scandal but the associated rebound headaches suck."

Glenn Beck was unavailable for huffing.

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.  

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, "I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!"

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere...well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama delivered a speech today republicans are calling a brand of Nixonian Marxism not seen since Jimmy Carter—which, granted, doesn’t make any sense. Obama swaggered up to the teleprompter with a martini in one hand and the Communist Manifesto in the other and sung the Canadian national anthem in Kenyan. That’s not what disturbed people; he wasn’t wearing any pants.

"For four years I’ve read about my imaginary scandals," slurred Obama. "I read headline after MFing Drudge headline about atrocities I never got around to committing. I was well behaved, bitches! Since I’m not running again, shits about to get real. From here on out I’m going to wiretap shit, drone strike shit, and even drone strike shit while I’m wiretapping shit. Remember, this was all made possible by patriotic people such as yourselves."

Obama laughed, "Oh, and It was my idea to have the IRS target Tea Baggers. They’re kind of douchey, so it seemed fitting. And as for Benghazi, yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies...glitter and MFing bunnies, people!" The President then threw up a little bit.

"Okay, I admit they don’t really like us much. But they have their reasons. I am the President of the United States after all, so I personally have to bang most countries economically up the ass every morning before breakfast. It’s on my agenda. As it turns out, they don’t always like that. Heh, heh. Your turn Americuh’. Ask not who you can screw for your country...oh, and I have a drea...I mean, a drone!"

The Obama Administration plans to start handing out KY Jelly with each tax form, which they feel will help "the process" in something they’re calling Operation Lubrinflation.

Washington, DC—Attorney General, Eric Holder, admitted today how Obama plans to end 2^nd Amendment rights in this country forever." He later clarified, "The 2^nd Amendment is the one about guns, right?"

 Barack Obama is fast becoming furious with his Attorney General as he "wanted this to be a surprise."

Holder said, "New York’s Mayor Bloomberg already initiated Phase 1 of the operation by banning large soda drinks. During Phase 2 he will ban all chewing gum because, let’s face it, kids stick that shit in all kinds of places they shouldn’t."

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath interrupted him at this point to thank him for that last sentence, which she explained could easily be taken out of context with hilarious consequences.

"Phase III, which arbitrarily changes to roman numerals, expands these bans nationwide," continued Holder. "For phase IV, which we haven’t decided whether or not will stay in roman numerals yet, will make it illegal to own gum of any kind. Once Phase IV is in the books we are only one pre-mediated typo away from taking everyone’s gun.  They won’t know what hit them. We’re calling it Operation Smith and Wrigley."

When asked about our founding fathers’ vision, Holder said, "They didn’t have good vision. They had those shitty little wire glasses. How could they have foreseen where kids would be sticking their gum these days, let alone our Phase 4? Besides, Republicans can’t spell. This is going to be like taking candy from a Bubba."

Washington, DC—After the White House pointed the finger at China after a rash of recent cyber-attacks, the Asian country nearly wet itself with rage. Upon changing, China’s President Xi Jinping immediately flew to our nation’s capital to confront our President.

President Jinping, initially very cordial, peppered President Obama with questions, "That is a lovely dog you have there. Is he your favorite? My mother’s maiden name was Chen, what was your mother’s maiden name?"

When they finally decided to meet in the Oval Office, Jinping said, "Those are beautiful flags by your desk. In elementary school I had to make a Chinese flag. Incidentally, where did graduate from elementary school?"

When the conversation turned to the recent wave of cyber-attacks plaguing some of our government agencies, Jinping said, "We would never attempt such a thing on our American allies. We are highly offended! But, if you scribble your birthdate and your social security number on this paper, we’ll give the whole thing a miss."

Obama later told the press he hasn’t been this angry since the Pentagon let their Norton subscription expire.

Washington, DC—No Defense Secretary nomination has ever been filibustered in the history of our nation, yet today that seems a very real possibility for nominee Chuck Hagel. The former Republican Senator has disgusted both sides of the aisle with his subversive views on Israel and gays...and especially gay Israelis.

Hagel told the Discord today, "I really need this job. I’m old and it’s hard to get a job at my age. I don’t want to have to choose between my food and my medication, not when I could be killing and torturing people all over the world."

Hagel offended the gay community with one flamingly insensitive statement back in 1873.

"I just don’t want my fabulous ass drone-striked," said the Discord’s Chief LGBTQ Correspondent, Dave Atsals. "If I’m on anybody’s watch list, I want it to be because of my ability to accessorize."

Meanwhile, Hagel has lost Republican support for comments he made about the "Jewish lobby" and for his failure to recognize the genius that was the Iraq War.

After his nomination grew more highly contested by right and left, Chuck Hagel discussed the decision with his friends and family and decided to....well, it’s in the title. "I originally hoped to commit this act while handing over sensitive Benghazi documents, but my wife thought that would have been over the top," said Hagel.

Mick Zano had this to say, "Having watched the confirmation hearing, the fact Hagel had to answer a series of questions that have no rational connection to our nation’s defense was great fun! But, what’s going to happen when the last intelligent Republican is chased out of their tent? Oh, wait...never mind."

Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz' wet bar (we're sure it's one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

"The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can't seem to stay the F off the manatees," said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. "President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?"

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to "tap the glass". For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, "We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM)."

The Daily Discord's Cokie McGrath added, "Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don't think so. Why don't we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?"

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord's worst jokes of the week... "Oh, the hu-manatee!"

Kidding, we've had worse.

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. "A two hundred and twenty something year old fish," added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the "drone death list."

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, "I’m making a list and checking it twice...I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em."

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his....well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was "slightly impulsive," and then later blamed his actions on being "caught up in the moment."

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some "pull my trigger-finger" variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, "He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here." Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins...er, which is an affront to donuts...of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the "Full Palin" as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, "I think Fisties would be best."

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, "How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?"

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, "The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis."

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, "Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing."

Boehner replied, "I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo," which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, "Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House...except cookie catcher. I love that shit!"

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could "get a hole in one". After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, "The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved."

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.

North Pole—Old St. Nick is up to no good again this holiday season after he effectively ended all collective bargaining rights for the elves who work in his toy factory. The toy makers are complaining about the cold working conditions, the lack of healthcare, and how they are forced to work 364 days a year compared to their "fat CEO who only works one bloody overnight!"

Santa told the press, "If they want healthcare the little bastards need to stop living so long. Raise the Medicare eligibility age to four-hundred and you won’t faze one of those little shits."

Santa is apparently still in a Yule-time rage over the election results. When asked if he was concerned about his jolly old image, Santa said, "I deliver more toys to rich kids, always have. Christmas is big business! Besides, Democrats have always been behind the War on Christmas and those damn Occupiers were here last year. They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits. The bastards all kept going on about Climate Change, like I’m going to complain if it goes from -10° Fahrenheit to -8°. Wankers! You just need to get the Snow Miser off the booze and we’ll balance the weather all right."

When asked how he got rid of the Occupy encampments, Santa replied, "As it turns out Bumbles apparently do bounce, at least they do down at Christmas Town’s red and green light district. Ho ho ho bags. You should have seen the looks on those barely employable liberal faces. And if any of you hippie bastards try that shit again I’ll have the Winter Warlock freeze your beards to my sleigh runners!"

He then ended the interview with a joke, "What’s the difference between Santa Claus and an Occupy Wall Streeter? Santa at least works one day a year. Ho ho ho!"

He actually said two jokes but the other one isn’t really appropriate for this publication.

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, "I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls."

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, "Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters."

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. "We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains."

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, "We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla."

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, "Sometimes, yes, other times not so much."

Washington, DC—For his 2^nd term, President Barack Obama has decided to just piss off Republicans. He doesn’t feel our system is horribly functional right now, so annoying the GOP is his highest priority. He started by bowing to Admiral General Aladeen, the Tyrant of Wadiya, earlier today. Obama plans to spend lots of taxpayer money while bowing to other world leaders across the globe.

Obama told reporters, "Look, instead of helping to fix the damage they caused, the GOP made its primary mission to make me a one term president, so screw ‘em."

Vice President Joe Biden plans to create an actual death panel for the Affordable Care Act. They will have the power to, not only deny treatment for certain conditions, but they will have the authority to eliminate targeted healthy people as well.

The President plans to go on a nonstop world vacation in the guise of a business trip. "Not only am I going to bow to everyone and anyone," said Obama, "I may do some oral sex photo simulations as well. And this term we’re really going to focus on hindering small businesses. Enough of this tax breaks and helping them shit. I may even park my motorcade in front of some to block traffic. The best part is, we’ve designed a machine that allows food stamps to literally fall out of my ass while I walk. Heh, heh."

When asked what he would be apologizing for this round, the President said, "Biden." He then added the word, "Duh."

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement "several hundred times".

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, "Have you voted yet?!" and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, "You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!"

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, "I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill."

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

"I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers," said Rove. "You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!"

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called "Joker and Two-Face", which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.

Washington, DC—Fox News’s Minister of Meme Management, Dr. Frank Luntz, has officially laid the coveted Goebbels’ Egg today. Dr. Luntz, an integral part of the Republican bubble of non-reality, is best known for his ability to harness every American’s inherent stupidity.

"We vote 80% on emotion and 20% on intellect and that last number is just too high," warned Luntz.

This pollster of pollsters, this inventor of the unfocused group, this "it’s not what you say, but what they hear" steaming pile of propaganda is thrilled with recent developments. "It’s remarkable," said Luntz, "I have hatched an entire group of Americans who think Romney, despite his poor performances, actually won the last two debates. This is beyond my wildest expectations. Nearly half the country doesn’t even think Romney lost a single exchange...even last night when several times he said the President’s policies haven’t worked and then paraphrased the President’s policies...even the one before that when the moderator corrected Romney in real time and told him to ‘sit the F back down, bitch.’"

For years Karl Rove has used Dr. Luntz and his minions to foment this alternate universe and their hard work has finally paid off.

When asked who he thought actually won the last two debates, Dr. Luntz said, "This is not about opinions. This is not even about the proliferation of bullshit. This IS bullshit! Plato’s bullshit! The archetypal steamy mound of emotional metaphors. Your brains, your thoughts, your views are all mine. Mine! Mwahahaha!"

Karl Rove was unavailable for comment. He was rushed to the hospital earlier today with an erection that has lasted for more than four hours.

Palm Beach, FL—Rush Limbaugh is not backing off The Discord’s totally fictitious headline today. But come on, Rush, you were thinking it. After last night’s Democratic National Convention, Limbaugh also tweeted, "I’m just calling a spade a spade" and "I wish those bitches' parents had used birth control!" Come on, Rush...admit it, you blankety, blank, blank!

A note from Mick Zano:

Sorry about that. Getting into Rush’s brain brings me to a dark place sometimes. While on a road trip yesterday, I unfortunately subjected myself to hours of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity. None of them addressed a word of Clinton’s speech. Not a word. Umm, sorry to burst your bubble, literary, but your entire economic worldview was dismantled in 48-minutes by a man who actually balanced the budget. Oh, he also said how the GOP keeps lying all the time and now lives comfortably in an alternate reality. Sounds like he reads The Discord.

Instead of addressing Clinton's damning economic appraisal of conservative "ideas", the right wing media chose instead to cover the Dems flip-flopping on removing "God-given" from their platform language. This was their coverage ALL day. Sure the Democrats understand, as our founding fathers did, the need for a separation of church and state, and sure there's a growing number of atheists out there, so what? But how about a compromise? I know, that's a joke too. But I'll tell you what, we’ll leave the part about the magic Santa-like man who lives in the clouds in our platform, if you add science and arithmetic to yours!

A team of psychiatrists led by Dr. Sterling Hogbein of Hogbein Institute and Buffet have used the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) to successfully diagnose the entire GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Head of the American Psychological Association, Dr. John Oldham, added, "Republicans primarily suffer from a personality disorder, which is fairly untreatable. Whereas rigidity of thought remains pervasive in this group, we added the Cognitive Disorder NOS to the Axis I primarily so we could bill Medicaid for the evaluation."

Dr. Hogbein remains more hopeful, "We do have a cluster of personality disorders here, a rare Cluster-F, actually. We could have picked borderline, anti-social...really any of them can apply during any given news cycle, but if Fox News and AM radio agreed to start broadcasting non-stop DBT therapy sessions, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it could at least raise the average Republican to a level where they can safely navigate the community."

If this doesn’t happen, Dr. Hogbein and Dr. Oldham agree the Republican’s prognosis poor. "It’s not uncommon for self-harm behaviors to start occurring, like supporting big oil or blocking climate change policies, which we’re already starting to see happen," said Dr. Oldham.

The Psychiatric community fears things could culminate in a fit of histrionics not seen since that last Hannity episode. "And involuntarily committing approximately 40% of our society poses some logistical issues for sure," added Dr. Hogbein. "But let’s start with Bachmann and see how it goes."

Tampa, FL—The Republican Convention is set to go, but the weather is turning ugly in Tampa and so is the rhetoric. The GOP is honing its policies and positions into one focused, laser-like-beam of bad ideas. Majority Leader John Boehner said, "Never mind the weather, we have so many bad ideas we may need a bigger venue to fit them all anyway."

When asked about Todd Akin’s ban after his controversial rape remarks, Boehner said, "Look, a lot of us have the same views. It’s not about the dumb ideas themselves—we embrace that shit. For example have you seen Paul Ryan’s budget proposal?—but we support only bad ideas that win elections, not ones that lose them."

Mitt Romney immediately distanced himself from Boehner’s remarks. "I don’t think bad ideas are the way forward," said Romney. "Having ‘no ideas’ is the approach that resonates with real America. Being completely devoid of any viable position whatsoever is the way to go. If we open our mouths, we’re toast. In fact, I plan on missing all the Obama debates by contracting some type of botchalism."

Romney later corrected his statement, "I meant botulism, but I haven’t decided between that or West Nile Papyrus."

Saying something stupid, but getting a bounce in the polls, is fine with the GOP, but if you lose support with said dumb idea then it’s hast la vista baby. On a related note, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is also banned from attending the GOP Convention.

"We really don’t want anyone attending from California at all," said Romney, "unless it’s Nancy Pelosi in piñata form."

Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, "I’m takin’ em, bitches." Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press "whatever it takes." He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of "an important conspiracy operation thingie." Obama told reporters, "All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism."

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. "I will overturn the 1^st and 2^nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er...a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood," said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, "All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney...especially the Scalia part."

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.

Washington, DC—Last April, progressive liberals sent director James Cameron on a deep sea mission to explore the depths of Republican hypocrisy. He failed. Having reached Dick Cheney’s moral compass at 35,000 ft, the director and explorer was forced to resurface. Despite a sea of ridiculous statements over the last decade, no attempts from within the Republican Party has ever been made to reel in these right wing extremists...until now.

Cameron said this week, "I could swear just before I started my ascent I saw two crazy eyes staring up at me from the abyss. Now I know who it was."

This week Michele "crazy eyes" Bachmann missed one too many Risperdal consta injections and started an all out attack on Hillary Clinton’s Muslim aide, Huma Abedine. Despite her very Jewish husband, or evidence of any kind, Bachmann claims she has clear ties to the Muslim Brotherhood.

Bachmann told reporters, "I don’t understand, I’ve never needed any evidence before?" The Minnesota Congresswoman has no idea why all of a sudden facts matter. "I never got that memo! Don’t you people watch Fox?"

In Bachmann’s defense, navigating the bubble of non-reality called Fox News for so long can actually change brain structure itself. Problems can occur if and when someone attempts to venture back to Earth. During Fox interviews, she would always arrive tablu rasa—in an almost Zen-like state of ideological drivel. When she handed her crayon-scribbled psycho-babble over to one of the show’s producers, they simply recreated it to the best of their ability using some type of computer program, possibly PhotoShop.

Bachmann added, "Besides, Obama’s killing all the really bad Muslims and my McCarthy-esque bigotry and hatred needs to be directed somewhere, bitches."

OK, in all fairness to the Congresswoman, we added the word ‘bitches’ but it was clearly implied.

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous "Richard Dryfuss incident."

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26^th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1^st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16^th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species...but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to "rub the lotion on its skin" until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, "If this shit doesn’t recover, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!" He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, "Regulate this, Obama."

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, "No way," but later admitted to reporters, "But it is a good coffee table book for sure."

Springfield, VA—This week’s announcement from the White House that aid to Pakistan will be cut $33 million was followed by a proud statement from Ron Paul’s headquarters in Springfield Virginia.

Paul pole supporter, Peter Johnson, told the press, "Our fearless leader reported considerable wood after the exciting news." He went on to call this a "half mast event" not seen since the Republican’s full-blown attack on Planned Parenthood funds.

Ron Paul later confirmed initial reports, "A partial erection at my age represents a significant amount of blood flow to my penis."

His son, Senator Rand Paul, is concerned, "If they cut all aid to other foreign countries and then send our troops home, they might have to rush my dad to the hospital again."

Were that to occur, Mr. Paul agreed the Washington Monument would have some competition, and he vowed, "If I do get a full erection, I will personally screw the Federal Reserve into the dirt."

Paul is denying rumors his slogan has been changed to "I might have lost the election, but not my—."

"Hardly," said Paul.

Amarillo, TX—When the tab for his party arrived, George W. Bush was already heading for the door. What could be a more poignant way to celebrate Memorial Day, he thought, than to skip out on the tab? Our former President and his guests rushed out of Amarillo’s premiere meatery, the Big Texan Steak Ranch, leaving a nearly $200 tab unpaid.

Our former President later told reporters, "For me Memorial Day is a special kind of day when we celebrate those special kind of voters who got me re-elected. And leaving without paying was a fitting gesture."

When asked why, Bush said, "Look, Memorial Day is about celebrating the past. If you’ll remember, I didn’t really pay for anything during my presidency either, social programs, wars, hookers, nothing. This was a special day of remembrance...and I remember not paying for anything."

When asked if this is in honor of missing most of his National Guard duty during the Vietnam War, Bush smiled, "I wouldn’t say I missed it, heh heh heh."

Dan Rather was unavailable for comment.

Indianapolis, IN—E*Trader and yuppie wannabe, Dave Blotchenski, lost most of his retirement money this week after investing in the ill fated Facebook wave.

"I just thought, hell, I’m on Facebook all the flippin’ time, so is everyone else," said Blotchenski. "Besides, Facebook promised to create thousands of new millionaires, and guess who was the first of my friends to like? Isn’t that worth something anymore? Now every time I see that little E*Trade baby I want to kick him in his pre-toddler face."

Upon news of the massive dip in the company’s stock, Blotchenski tweeted, "Help! I lost it Al! I have officially bought the FarmVille!"

He meant to type, "I lost it all" but later blamed the typo on a combination of insomnia and household inhalants.

His pleas did not fall on deaf ears as several Facebookers came to the rescue by leaving important comments like, "Did you see the Ranger/Devils game last night?" and "You lost it Al? Who’s Al? LOL" and "You said you’d help me acquire a FarmVille tractor, bitch?!" Four others inexplicably liked his comment.

Mr. Blotchenski admitted after stocks fell to 38 dollars a share, he considered virtual suicide. "I just wanted to unplug everything, all of it, and maybe go outside."

To the horror of his family, who were completely engrossed in X-Box 360 at the time, Mr. Blotchenski was last seen heading to a park with a baseball bat and a mitt. Having no idea where the neighborhood park is exactly, his family has been asking if any members of his social sites have seen him.

Vatican City—Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City is "outraged by the audacity of the Pope and his minions." Initially, the Commissioner was not surprised Batman ignored their city’s cries for help. "We just thought he fell off the Batwagon again," said Gordon. "He self medicates, you know. The dude has issues. But now we find out he’s responding to problems all the way in Italy?"

The Pope is denying a series of clandestine meetings occurred between his Holiness and the caped crusader. Vatican officials are also denying rumors the Pope had a Bat Phone installed in his chambers. The Vatican released a statement earlier today, calling the rumors "Bat shit crazy" and "His Holiness doesn’t even own a cell phone, let alone a Bat Phone."

An unnamed whistle-blowing Cardinal told reporters, the Pope believes, "We need to restore the Knights Templar. And who better than the Dark Knight himself to lead our new crusades into the 21^st Century?"

"Batman is a vigilante," said the Pope. "His methods are dubious. We need a beacon of light, not an archetype of darkness."

When asked about the giant bat signal seen over the Tower of Passetto, the Pope said, "It’s a grail shaped beacon...like in that Monty Python movie. Jesus Christ, would you people drop this shit already?"

The Passetto acts as a secret passage from Italy into the Vatican—the perfect meeting place for the Pope and Batman to hatch their evil plots. If the Vatican is resurrecting the Knights Templar, perhaps they are enlisting the aid of all of our fictional superheroes. If the Pope recruited Aquaman, for instance, he would have armies of undersea creatures at his command! And who’s to say Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t parked outside the Passetto, right now?

Phoenix, AZ—On the evening of March 9^th a strange explosion in the Northwest Valley was captured by Fox News 10. The power company immediately denied any transformer blow outs and the large, unexplained flash of light remained a mystery, until now.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio finally made a statement to the press yesterday, explaining the mysterious flash. The Sheriff admitted he and his department used a bazooka to eliminate a flagrant j-walking menace from nearby Mesa. Parts of the j-walker later arrived at Scottsdale Medical Center, while other parts arrived at Arizona Regional in Mesa.

"We only recovered 60% of the ‘alleged’ offender," said Arpaio, "but I can tell you one thing, that bastard will not be blatantly ignoring crosswalks again in my town."

Sherriff Arpaio came under considerable scrutiny last year for using a SWAT team and a tank to break up a cock fighting ring that turned out to be a pacifist farmer who just loves his cock.

Rooster spokesperson, Foghorn Leghorn, had this to say, "I say, I say, this man’s a bleeping menace. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet javelinas."

Springfield, ??—Joseph "Putin" Quimby won Re-election today in a landslide victory over his opponent, Grounds Keeper Willy. Pundits believe that Super PAC funds from an unnamed nuclear power plant owner, and rampant voter intimidation sealed the deal for the incumbent.

Even Quimby’s harshest critics did not deny how animated he’s been throughout this campaign. Quimby, affectionately known to locals as Joe the Mayor, ran on a record of creating the 6-1/2 day work week, the squelching of all local unions, and the complete gutting of regulations at Springfield’s nuclear power plant.

Quimby told reporters, "Aside from their close proximity, there is no proven connection between the power plant and the three-eyed fish." The Mayor also claimed the many glowing objects in the surrounding area "actually help people see at night and increases tourism."

During the course of the race Quimby’s team, the committee to Re-elect the mayor, or CREEM, further developed that argument, eventually using the issue as a standing talking-point. They claimed it demonstrated the opponent party’s "well-known callous disregard for human life, [as the] Liberals once again put their love for enviro-fascism ahead of the welfare and safety of Mr. Burns…er, the American people."

The Mayor’s oft invoked slogan, "You Don’t Eat the Fish’s Eyes Anyway" was met with wild cheers from his supporters.

Quimby refused to comment on his competition’s not-so-gracious consolation speech where several people were injured as Willy drove a tractor over supporters and critics alike, pumping his fists and shouting things decidedly Scottish.

Washington, DC - Iran has failed to meet their deadline to disarm, so President Obama warned how, in the near future, colorful metaphors are likely to descend on the defiant country.  Obama has assailed Iran with an increasingly terse tone—a tone that could escalate to swearing.

When asked if the Obama Administration is prepared to use any of George Carlin’s ‘seven words you can not say on television,’ Obama replied, "No options are off the table at this time."

If Iran continues to thumb their nose at the global community, Obama threatened an "egregious bout of profanity not seen since the Discord’s last Crank feature." 

Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta, stated the dropping of the F-bomb itself is not a matter of if, but when.

"Plans to do anything meaningful to suspend Iran’s nuclear pursuits have been suspended until operation Mock and Caw takes full effect," said Panetta.  "We’re even thinking of an outright regime change, so…like, instead of referring to the Iranian regime as the ‘Iranian regime’, we’re going to call it the ‘Iranian leadership’.  See?  We changed the regime with no loss of life."

"As for the old carrot and the stick analogy," said Obama,  "we have used the carrot, so now the time has come to use the smaller, less enticing carrot, and, of course, an egregious bout of profanity."

Punxsutawney, PA—Those who remain in Punxsutawney after Groundhog Day are now treated to a little talked about event. Punxsutawney Pete, the famous Pennsylvanian opossum prognosticator, predicted Six-more-weeks of slow economic growth and implied Obama’s policies are to blame.

The town of Punxsutawney has seen a steady decline in interest in Groundhog Day over the years. The town responded by adding this opossumy pundit to their busy groundhogian mix.

For the last three years, Pete has emerged from his hole and offered several predictions regarding our state of the union. Thus far he’s accurately foreseen the onset of the mortgage crisis, the end to the Iraq War, and the crushing defeat of Sanjaya on American Idol.

"We needed to keep the tourists around another night," said Mayor Yokel. "We tried blocking the road out of town with a mock accident, but you can only get away with that shit so many times."

The Mayor came under considerable scrutiny for the rumor that swarms of radioactively enlarged insects had surrounded the town in February of 2007.

"Even the Easter Bunny thinks Phil is a bad opening act," said Yokel. The Mayor blames the slump in tourism on two major factors: "It’s so rare the little bastard sees an early spring in our future and, second, that damnable movie Groundhog Day! Folks are scared would-be-attendees might become trapped in a temporal loop and never leave this piss ant little town again. If Bill Murray was here right now I’d punch him in his raccoon face."

Punxsutcoony Paul was unavailable for comment.

London, GB—Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy attended last week’s London premiere of The Muppets. During the event, British reporters asked the pair what they thought about the growing tension between Fox News and the popular Hensonites. The cable news giant is also particularly angry at the Muppet, Animal, for urinating on Roger Ailes at the Propaganda for Dummies Symposium in San Diego last month.

When specifically questioned about Fox’s assertion the movie has a liberal agenda, Kermit said, "If we have a problem with oil companies, why would we have spent the entire film driving around a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce?"

Miss Piggy then chimed in, "It's almost as laughable as accusing Fox News of, you know, being news."

The Daily Discord later asked if the couple wished to retract their statements. "Certainly not," said Kermit, "and I can tell you another thing: with Fox News around it aint easy being green."

Miss Piggy stated she was more concerned about conservative’s recent racist attacks against Muppets in general, and added, "I know the women of Fox News are attractive, but to me it’s all just lipstick on a pig."

She then asked to have her statement retracted, which we will now do:

Please do not read that last statement from Miss Piggy.

See Fox? That’s how you do a retraction. You should try it.

Lake County, FL—GOP nomination hopeful, Newt Gingrich "mistakenly" shook 11-month-old Jacob Horowitz’s hand and then proceeded to kiss Rebecca Horowitz, the infant’s mother, on the lips. This occurred on the campaign trail earlier today at a diner described by locals as "an area favorite". One witness said the kiss was "not nearly as disturbing as what he did with his hands."

The former Speaker immediately responded by saying his actions were intentional. "Look, the woman was very attractive and the baby had a pungent feces smell to it. What would anyone have done given those circumstances? I am frankly appalled that women everywhere go through such lengths to help Barack Obama by further reporting my unwanted advances to the media."

Gingrich is also denying slipping the woman the tongue. "It's preposterous. The destructive, vicious, unaccommodating nature of females is making it increasingly harder to govern this country. Many important legislators remain completely preoccupied by frigid Floridians like Mrs. what's-her-name. Furthermore, I can assure you I do not smoke cigars that way. I also know the definition of what the word ‘is’ is and I have more lawyers than that ungrateful bitch has diapers."

When questioned further about the misstep, Gingrich said, "I have no doubt that my esteemed colleague Ron Paul would have liberated the baby from the diaper on the spot. And Romney would have kissed the baby’s ass, regardless, because he panders to any poop anywhere, and with current polling data from Florida no one even cares what Zeppo would have done."

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

"We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt," said Obama. "And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment."

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, "We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars."

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, "Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion."

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. "I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad," said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

"...the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle," as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…"

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, "We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!"

Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.

"The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system."

"I don’t know what to do with myself," said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. "I don't care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy."

The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking...with their mouths...to reporters and other journalist types.

"What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent," said Gingrich. "And I live for that shit."

North Pole—Elves and occupiers clashed outside of that jolly old "one percenter's" workshop this week. The incident ended in 27 arrests and at least a dozen injuries. Santa Claus is denying the authorization to use force. Many are claiming St. Nick ordered his toy making elves to forcibly remove the dozens of protestors by force from his frosty front lawn yesterday.

"It’s a load of Yule time shit," said Santa. "They were doing things to the Christmas trees and defecating in my ornate sleighs. They were provoking the elves, they were provoking me! They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits."

Fox News "journalists" believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas.

"They’re ramping up their efforts to destroy America, destroy tradition, destroy God!" said Bill O’Rielly. "I don’t really believe that, but I got paid more to say that sentence than you make in a year, losers."

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

"I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front," said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. "But even cash advance places are turning us down," said Obama. "We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there."

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, "I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy."

Oklahoma City, OK—Authorities fear the 5.6 magnitude earthquake that rocked Oklahoma this week has yet to claim all of its victims. Time is running out for an estimated 17-million corn kernels still buried under an area of fallen corn stalks rescue workers estimate to be "the size of Corn-necticut."

Many believe we are facing a "creamed corn scenario of unprecedented proportions."

Oklahoma City officials are thankful their state is flat or the resulting pyroclastic flows of high fructose corn lava could have consumed entire towns.

"But luckily we don’t have many of those either," said Mayor Cobb Huskins. "But make no mistake, we’ve been cornholed for sure."

Some locals are taking advantage of the quake through looting, "It’s a cornucopia out there," said one stalker. "The real thing is just so much better than internet corn."

The Green Giant and Little Sprout were unavailable for comment.

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, barely escaped the Occupy Flagstaff rally on Saturday after several of her incendiary remarks left protestors angered. Having camped out at the Flagstaff City Council Building all afternoon, the protestors grew increasingly hostile and malodorous.

"Do you smell Patchouli? God, I hope that’s Patchouli," said McGrath through watery eyes and held nose. "The stench of these anti-political Patchouli-smelling peeps makes me want to puke…and the event only started a couple of hours ago."

McGrath waded into the unwashed masses and interviewed a man named Chris and his friend, V (the real V from Vendetta, not one of his helpers). Neither of them could agree on much, but they’re both furious with the man, whoever he is.

Protestors had a lot to say on the topic of reforming capitalism; their answers ranged from "scrap it" all the way to "what was Bret Michaels thinking by picking that last skanky ho-bag?"

Not a single protestor acknowledged the existence of the Daily Discord’s Occupy Wal*Mart movement. The Discord staff maintains this Occupy group pales in comparison to the Discord’s own universal galactic hostile takeover of Wal*Mart.

Normally the water canon is used to disperse angry mobs, but in this case Flagstaff officials used a lethal combination of ammonia and bleach to both kill and disinfect the crowd.

Finally, after several showers and an hour in her own personal fumigation chamber, McGrath added, "We don’t know why they came, we don’t know when they will leave, but I do know one thing: there’s not enough Febreze in northern Arizona to make this situation right."

Cottonwood, AZ—Upon discovering the sheer lack of Walmarts in Sedona, the Discord’s Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath drove the extra 35 miles to Cottonwood during their unprecedented attack on "the man" Sunday. The two lacktivists planned to stake out the snack bar area, until they were hit with their second setback—the sheer lack of snack bars in the Cottonwood Walmart.

"We’d like to apologize to all the people who went to Sedona Sunday looking for the nonexistent snack bar in the nonexistent Walmart," said Mick Zano. "Who knew Sedona was completely devoid of marts, K, Wal, or otherwise? It was an honest mistake made by honest reporters."

"He’s lying," said Discord reporter Cokie McGrath. "In retrospect, I don’t recommend spending this much time with Zano when he’s not drinking, but I did manage to keep him from defecating on a plastic police car in the toy aisle."

The pair succeeded in bringing business at the bustling Super Center to a screeching halt for a nearly six hour period...or at least business near and around this bench.

McGrath believes this event is only the beginning. "We could have carried on for another two or three more hours, but the bench area actually has different hours than the rest of the store, or at least that’s what they told us during our ejection."

"If this protest continues to double every day, eventually there will be more protestors than people on the planet. That’s a statistical fact," said Zano, who believes the protest could have been an even more effective demonstration, "If I didn’t always spend my weekends hanging around this same bench for long periods of time."

Point Pleasant, WV—The creature that terrorized a small West Virginia town in the late sixties was pronounced dead this morning by local entomologists.  Apparently, this legendary winged monster finally met its match after flying repeatedly into a porch light in front a residence on Jones Street.  Authorities say Mothman did not die on that porch, but managed to flap over to his west side apartment, where he posted his farewells on Facebook and Twitter.

Mman7 Moth Man I’m like, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH!! BWTF!!! 6 seconds ago

Mothman’s last Facebook session involved ‘unfriending’ Bigfoot and then telling his Facebook fans, "I only regret not being able to scare the shit out of and/or maul the lot of you!" 

He also blamed the lack of recent Mothman sightings on misidentifications.

"People always think I’m the Jersey Devil, or Batman, or something.  ‘Hey look, Batman.’  Hell-oo!  This isn’t Jersey and it certainly aint Gotham-friggin’-City, lady!  I’m a moth!  I’ve even tried stalking that Monster Quest team for months, but those morons couldn’t even find a Megaladon if it swam up and bit em’ on the ass."

Mothra and the surviving members of the band, Iron Butterfly, attended the funeral, but left shortly after the Lochness Monster arrived, quite intoxicated.

"It kept saying the same joke all night," said Mothra.  "Take my wife, plesiosaur.  What does that even mean?"

Berlin, DE—The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has decided to pull out her oversized purse one more time to save Europe.  However, she did warn European leaders today there will be stipulations.  First, she is insisting the country of Greece undergo a drug test within 24 hours.  If any illicit substances show up in the country’s system, she will not help until it "seeks professional help."

Merkel is also insisting Portugal "pull in their nets and open a proper factory already."

Merkel reminded Portugal that it’s 2011, not 1011.  She then encouraged the country to "Febreze itself immediately and put on a tie."

Merkel also reports a growing resentment toward the Brits. "Even if they were to join the EU tomorrow, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help them.  Not until England successfully completes an anger management program, facilitated by a licensed professional."

She then called them schwankers and made an obscene gesture known only to German Chancellors.   

Waterloo, IA—Using the Neconicon, an ancient conservative grimorie, four brave progressives coaxed Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, back into the hellish alternate Universe from whence she came. 

"It’s truly over," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna.   "One of the key demonic forces in politics is gone forever."

Eyewitnesses claim Bachmann was lured to a pre-designated location by setting up a mock LBGTQ Facebook Meetup group in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. 

"With the elections closing in, Iowa was the obvious choice," said the lead political exorcist, a man who wishes to remain anonymous.  "Her hometown made it perfect.  We picked a remote location on the outskirts of town, announced it on Facebook, and prepared the area using passages from the Neoconicon.  Flamboyant decoys were then placed around a table located directly over the portal."

After she took the bait, no injuries were reported.  However, a pink Versace shirt and several matching accessories were irreparably damaged.  The Elton John impersonator also reports suffering an "awful fright."

The unnamed spokesperson denies Sarah Palin will be a target of any future black magic ops, "No, no, Bachmann was the only genuine succubus in politics, Palin is more of a Foxgoblin."  

Oklahoma City, OK—One man is refusing to let fear and paranoia slip out of his life.

When Glenn Beck announced his last show on Fox News, James Stiles said, "I’m going to eat people."

As a result of his new hobby, Mr. Stiles now spends his days in constant fear of that dreaded "cop" knock at the door.  He spends his evenings madly scribbling his conspiracy theories on an old chalkboard in his basement.   During the interview the board read:  

9/11 = 20 = 20/20 (liberal propaganda)
= ½ of Beck’s 40 Days/40 Nights Challenge
= Obama & Arianna Huffington’s lovechild is the anti-Christ!!

"I’m not just going to let all of that angst slip away," said Stiles.  "Glenn created an elevated level of adrenaline in the systems of real Americans for some purpose, so maintaining that baseline level of misguided hyper-vigilance is crucial to our cause." 

When it was pointed out how adrenaline negatively impacts higher functioning in the brain, Stiles randomly recited Drudge headlines, while sharpening a butcher knife.  Mr. Stiles believes cannibalism is keeping him scared shitless, and it also cuts down on his grocery bills.  He reports eating only liberals and progressives and babies, but one day he hopes to devour George Soros’ liver with some farva beans and a dry Chianti.

"I’m doing this for real America and I’m doing this for Glenn.  I know he, of all people, would understand," said Stiles.

Clear Lake, IA—Newt Gingrich, the out of control right wing mouth piece, is still burning today, but pundits claim the buffoon is nearly 70% contained at this hour.   For many tense weeks, it looked as if Gingrich would incinerate huge swaths of America.  Last month, he completely burned the Ryan Plan forcing Republicans to work around the clock to extinguish sections of the ignited document.  In Dallas, after several aides resigned from his campaign, an attempt was made to drive Gingrich east into Lake Ray Hubbard.  Unfortunately, he was able to jump a firebreak and escape. 

"We now have him surrounded in Iowa," announced House Speaker John Boehner. "We were concerned he would keep talking, but now his fiery often contradictory rhetoric is finally smoldering."

When asked if high political winds could rekindle Gingrich’s campaign, Boehner said, "Not likely.  No one is going to fan those flames."

Just to be on the safe side, Iowa’s Governor, Terry Branstad, is urging residents to keep all accelerants and all microphones away from the former Speaker.

"Gingrich is currently holed up over in Clear Lake," said Branstad, "where no media is getting in or out.  Unfortunately, he does have access to his social sites, so be the first of your friends to Not Like."

Tulsa, OK—A team of mercenaries, calling themselves V.O.R.T.E.X, is working closely with Homeland Security to combat a rash of severe weather that has been plaguing parts of the U.S. in recent months.

The group is currently staked out near Tulsa Oklahoma in a makeshift trailer park designed to lure in some of these sinister super cells. When asked what VORTEX stands for, VORTEX President, Tim Yotes, replied, "We haven’t thought of the entire acronym yet, but the T stands for tornado."

The Obama Administration claims to have hired VORTEX to fight the perception that Obama is soft on weather.

"Last time the twisters struck, I was in London," said Obama.  "I got caught with my britches down, so to speak.  Now we’re sending a strong message, FU to all those F2s."

When asked about the logic of using guns to capture or kill tornadoes, Obama said, "This group does this sort of thing all the time.  Let’s leave the tactics to the professionals."

Obama is not currently endorsing VORTEX’s second strategy, which involves a giant field version of naked twister.

"I don’t follow that one," said Obama, but he later admitted that "no options are off the table."  

Fort Wayne, IN—Sarah Palin is in custody tonight after allegedly leaving her One Nation tour bus running outside of an Indiana bar, The Brass Rail, yesterday afternoon.  Her three youngest children and several pets were left in the parked bus in near 90° heat for a two hour period.  Palin repudiates claims the time coincided with the bar’s happy hour.

"Nonsense, the first few rounds were full price," said Palin.  "There was nothing happy about it."

The Palin’s were seen entering the Rail at 4:00 PM and police arrived just before 6:00 PM after several bar regulars reported, "There’s a big F’n bus blocking me from my F’n beer."

Police apprehended Sarah and Todd after they returned to the bus to do shots with all of the establishment’s pool and dart league members.

"American shots," said Palin, "distilled in American breweries!"

Distillery Clinton was unavailable for comment.

Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, "Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay."  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

"This is not a joking matter," said Debra Horner. "My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter."

Most stories didn’t have such a "happy ending." Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

"He either died very happy or in sheer terror," said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. "I’m sure it’s one of the two."

"Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before," said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, "or this would have been much, much worse."

Abbottabad, PK—In conjunction with Pakistani authorities, the U.S. Government has now released the details of the final hours of Osama Bin Laden’s life.   The Al-Qaeda leader, loving father and husband, spent his last 36 hours on this planet watching a Baywatch marathon on Pakistan’s popular Channel Two. 

Reports from Navy SEAL commandos are conflicting, however, bringing further shame to the Obama Administration.   One commando reports Bin Laden was watching episode 52, Princess of Tides, while a second thought it was the popular season five finale, Wet n’ Wild.

One SEAL was only able to report, "He was watching a TV show, somethin’ about lifeguards or somethin’."

That commando has since been relieved of his duties. 

Local Pakistanis report strange activities at the compound, which usually heightened to a fevered pitch around 8:00 PM Abbottabad time, precisely when Baywatch airs.

"He loved Baywatch and he loved David Hasselhoff most of all," said wife number four.  "But not in a gay kind of way."

Trapped in a compound with only six channels was not always easy for the Bin Ladens.  Osama felt Baywatch episodes were a little respite from all the death in his life.  After planning some sinister jihadist suicide bombing, or a terror plot against the unholy infidels, Bin Laden liked to kickback with some Cheetos—intelligence suggests he preferred the crunchy variety to the puffy kind—and then he hit those golden TV-Land beaches.  Reports suggest Bin Laden kept close tabs on Hasselhoff as to avoid "blowing him into tiny infidel pieces."  Interviews with locals suggest that just as U.S. forces raided the compound, Bin Laden was completely engrossed in the all day marathon, thus sealing his fate (pardon the pun).

Conflicting reports by commandos regarding the type of Cheetos has also shamed the Obama Administration. 

The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh.  Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing.  The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.

"They are clearly violating his rights," said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU.  "What is the deal with the ocean anyway?  It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F--ing zoo!  These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character."

When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, "I’m glad you brought that up to the surface.  We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily.  There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh.  But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice!  Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!"

Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.

Washington, DC—After several air traffic controllers have recently fallen asleep on the job, FAA head, Randal Babbitt, has set some ground rules for all of our nation’s control towers.

"No longer will alcohol or other depressants be consumed or ingested during shift parties," stated Babbitt.  "All comfy pillows, alcohol, and products containing sedating hypnotics have been confiscated and consumed at one of my house parties."

Whereas lounge chairs and recliners remain permissible, the new policy demands they must face the windows and the control panels.  However, Babbitt warned his staff on Monday, "One more ‘incident’ and they’re gone too, bitches."

When asked if he felt his measures were too extreme, Babbitt replied, "I think when several hundred people are landing in a plane, I demand at least some of our controllers are alert enough to land the fuckers safely."

Babbitt understands he needs to balance the dangers of exhaustion with the fact the job is "insanely boring, especially at some of our more rural airports."  Hookers and certain types of wild parties remain permissible, because, "Things like that will actually help keep them up," added Babbitt.  "Pardon the pun." 

When asked about issuing stimulants like crack cocaine or methamphetamine to avoid falling asleep on the job, Babbitt said, "I don’t want to fully endorse such substances at this time—at least not professionally.  Such stimulants have their place, like jammed up the ass of an international drug smuggler, but I don’t want them in my control towers, unless someone has to work a double."

Did entrepreneur and Republican candidate, Donald Trump give the American people false information about his hair loss? Some believe he has created a hybrid-type double-weave comb-over from hell (HTDWCO). If this is true, and if he lied about it, does it have implications for his presidential bid?

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Salon, said, "If this is a cover up, it’s the biggest one in the history of politics and hairdressing!"

Hogbein believes Trump is guilty of improper follicular manipulation on an unprecedented scale. Donald’s supporters claim the Discord is literally splitting hairs (sorry, we were allotted one bad hair pun).

Hogbein, the unofficial leader of this Mirther movement and creator of The One True Follicle Theory is asking for proof, "If he’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t he just end this controversy by allowing America to run their fingers through his hair?"

Many feel Trump is a hair loss denier. Still others insist if Trump wants to remain a viable candidate for the U.S. presidency, he needs to answer this Watergatesque question, "Where does it really grow and how does he blow it?"

Ask your doctor if Republican Rogaine is right for you.

Fukushima, Japan—The Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has realized, if shredded newspaper has failed to stop radioactive sea water from spilling into the Sea of Japan, it’s time to bring in the big guns.  There is one notorious nuclear power plant in the Midwestern Unites States that has seen more nuclear mishaps and meltdowns than any other.  Japan is seeking a representative from this plant to think outside the partially-exploded-and-seeping box. 

A plaque on the desk of one Homer J. Simpson reads Chernobyl is for Beginners.  Simpson, a long time employee of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is believed to hold unique knowledge of meltdown situations.  The owner of the plant, C. Montgomery Burns, would like the exact location of the facility to remain secret.  Mr. Burns would also like to dispel any rumors of a connection between himself and Rupert Murdoch, the Koch Brothers, as well as the unidentified body that washed ashore at the Springfield reservoir yesterday. 

Simpson was singled out by the Japanese for being either directly or indirectly involved with every major problem at the plant for the last twenty years.

"He has experiences in this area like no other," said Akira Endo of TEPCO.  "He may hold the key."

The initial teleconference with Mr. Simpson was riddled with technical difficulties as Simpson repeatedly hit the mute button while talking and then shouted "OVER!" before releasing said button.  Once these issues were resolved the meeting was initially soured by Simpson’s first suggestion, "Did you try shredded newspapers?"

Ultimately the engineers at TEPCO were happy with the outcome of the meeting.  While the content of the conversation remains classified, a reporter was able to obtain one sentence of the notes: "Employ bird shaped perpetual-motion device to keep pressing vent button."  American nuclear scientists are puzzled by the suggestion and have no idea what it means. 

Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to "knee cap shots only, from here on out."

Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.

"He’s a Democrat," barked Governor Justice, "which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow."

Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is "extreme" and "unjustified."

"Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one," said Justice.

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the 'architect' from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

"We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled," said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, "and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest."

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

"Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople," said Murdoch.  "They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2."

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

New York, NY—Upon hearing of yet another study supporting the notion Fox News is not journalism, the Supreme Being acted.   Many feel Fox has reached absurd levels of misinformation, and that they are a joke, a joke designed to strike Discord at the heart…  OK, this does sound like us, but hear us out. Regardless, the powers that be saw fit to send three journalistic ghosts to Rupert Murdoch’s mansion in an attempt to change the CEO of Fox’s evil ways.  Or at least that was the plan.

Neighbors report hearing the sound of chains dragging and clanging, and some haunting cries before the spectral form of Walter Cronkite came bolting from the residence like a banshee.

"He seemed very distraught," said a neighbor, who witnessed the incident but asked to remain anonymous. "It wasn’t the usual "my life ended tragically" kind of thing.  This was more of an ‘it just happened, sheer terror egress’ kind of thing. I’ve never seen a ghost look so upset."

The effectiveness of the visit remains in question at this hour, but Cronkite allegedly texted the Ghosts of Journalism Present and Journalism Future right after the episode.  The full text, though initially classified, was released on WikiLeaks:

OMG! Murdoch is f-ing nuts. Abort! Rendezvous at Olbermann’s place

XOXO

Whereas the majority of the text message is self explanatory, the XOXO remains disturbing to many who knew Cronkite personally and never suspected he was so touchy-feely.

Philadelphia, PA—Fallout from the above picture has left The Daily Discord seeking legal counsel.  A recent post led readers to believe Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, was on the scene in Afghanistan conducting a survey on The Mating Rituals of Hunky Military Types.   But, if you look closely at the top of the image, you can clearly see the bottom of the lettering for The New York Times.  In fact, the picture is identical to a Times story from December 13th.

"It looks as if someone just snapped a shot of our newspaper cover and called it their own," said Bill Keller, the NY Time’s Executive Editor.  "This isn’t the first time we’ve had a run in with this group, although this is brazen even for them.  They’re a menace to the world wide web."

"Preposterous!" replied the Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow. "I have the receipt for McGrath’s plane ticket, her bar tab from Kabul, and several prescriptions for Oxycodone."

But when pressured, Winslow was unable to produce this documentation—except the prescriptions.  Despite the overwhelming evidence, Winslow remains unwilling to make any retraction for The Discord’s controversial post, nor is he willing to stop exploiting hunky military types.   

"We’re on the side of the truth," said Winslow.  "When we say we’re on location, we’re on location…and, apparently, sometimes we’re on booze and opiates."

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is pursuing legal action against The Daily Show for hosting a rally on the same day, same time, and at the same place with similarly designed rally posters.

"Our D.C. rally got no publicity!" said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "The Ghetto Shaman’s speech and subsequent arrest were simply a footnote, a distraction, a freak show!"

To add insult to perjury, Stewart is denying any wrongdoing and told Rachel Maddow in a recent interview, "There’s no real honor in satire."

Winslow feels this is an obvious slight directed at the Discord.

"Excuse me?" said Winslow. "Haven’t you read our coverage on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day? We changed journalism to something wholly other that day…like gournalism. And, as for your other comments during that interview, we are a fake fake News organization, which is completely different."

Here is a Pierce Winslow excerpt from the actual lawsuit letter:

"I believe The Daily Discord is the victim of illegal and discriminatory rally practices. I have fully investigated my rights in this matter—and by ‘I’, I mean I have people for that, and by ‘fully investigated’, I mean I have conducted several non-porn related Google searches (NPRGS)."

Find the entire letter here.

"Bottom line, we spared no expense on those rally banners," added Winslow, "…well, some expense on Zano’s, obviously."

To help pay for Obamacare and to decrease the national debt on the eve of the midterm elections, Obama has sold Texas back to Mexico.

"I know this is a bit of a shocker," said Obama. "Obviously Mexico couldn’t pay squat for Texas, so we dealt directly with the drug cartels.  Cash for illicit substances will now go to cutting our national debt. Spending our way out of this fiasco has failed, but snorting our way out should be fun and economical! Besides, most Texans want to go anyway so don’t let the panhandle hit your ass on the way out."

The Obama Administration is adamantly denying plans to return to 1845 boundaries, which would also include half of New Mexico and parts of Colorado.  When asked about our highways, Obama said, "Route 20 will be lost to us, but here’s our plan for Route 40, if we just raised the highway off the ground a few inches, we could probably slide the panhandle out from underneath it, preferably at night, when no one is looking."

When asked if there’s anything Obama would miss about our 28^th state, he said, "There is this  great little Jazz club in Austin but, don’t worry, it’s scheduled to be choppered to D.C. before things are finalized—which, by the way, adds 47 construction jobs to my stimulus program totals."

The Pentagon—General David Petraeus told the press today, "The Daily Discord is senseless and vile."

When someone informed him of their plans to carry out Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day, the general had even less charitable comments for the controversial e-zine. 

"If the Discord goes through with their Halloween hijinx, it could endanger our troops in the field and undermine our mission in Afghanistan.  Bradley armored vehicles might be TPd and scores of improvised flaming pooh bags (IFPBs) might be strategically placed outside all of our bases’ gates.  A lot of people will be left with egg on their face. Images of sobbing, egg-covered Imams would undoubtedly be used by extremists as propaganda.  For lack of a better phrase, it would only egg them on," said Petraeus.

"We aren’t stopping this time," said CEO, Pierce Winslow.  "When we caved to pressure last time and failed to carry out Burn the Duran Day, a little part of the Discord died.  Besides, what better way to put those recalled Iowa eggs to some good use, eh?"

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before.  The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

"The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!"

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, "Where is everyone?  We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!"

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

"I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!"

This had the desired effect.  Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones.  This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event. 

"We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "But many were with us in spirit—just not in person.  We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either.  It’s just impossible to know for sure."

"This is a grass & roots movement like no other," said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca  or Ibogaine.

"This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days," said the Shaman.  "We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.