Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 21, 2014
OCD MEETUP GROUP TO MEET AT 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM. 7PM, 8PM, 9PM, 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM, 2AM..........(MARQUEE BUFFERING) • AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance Will Interfere With My Medicaid and Food Stamps."
Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance will interfere with my Medicaid and Food Stamps." De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
 
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GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia
GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia

Narnia—As the bad news for Obamacare lessens the GOP is searching farther from home for controversy. They are now turning their attention to Narnia. Three fauns allegedly spent weeks on the exchanges trying to get healthcare before being devoured by a dragon. In another instance, a centaur could only get the human part of his body covered medically, because the legislation failed to foresee coverage complications for human-animal hybrids (HAH!).

"This is further proof of a failed policy," said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. "Obamacare is not only wrecking our world, but this law is starting to impact the lives of creatures across the multiverse. Something I, and many others in my party, accurately foresaw. Besides, why should my hard earned tax dollar go to the healthcare of some talking badger in the first place?!"

Enrollment data suggests not enough young and healthy mythical creatures are signing up in the exchanges, which could impact premiums in 2015. Also, numerous dwarves, some as old as 150, are being wrongly designated as children so remain covered under their parents.

Mr. Obama responded earlier today by saying, "There were many inherent challenges signing up folks from Narnia. There was no existing infrastructure there so all applications were done by hand, and as a result many of our volunteers were eaten. This will not stop our plans to expand coverage of the Affordable Care Act to Middle-Earth by 2015."

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Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
By Mick Zano
Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

Sebelius Escorted Out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent
Sebelius Escorted out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent, I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
 
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Cuban Twitter Crisis?

Havana, CU—Cuba is hailing a clear victory today after a ceasefire was called for all hostile Tweets between the U.S. and Cuba. Communist controlled Cuba claims the U.S. has inadvertently triggered the Twitter Wars in a crass attempt to undermine their government. Since Cuba has declared victory Republicans are jumping on Obama for his lack of social site prowess.

 

RNC
@GOP
As usual Obama is bringing his MySpace to a Twitter fight. #obamaIsNoKennedy
10 minutes ago
 
6 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

Here’s what transpired on Twitter earlier today:

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Stop the Tweet Wars now! Good oceans make good neighbors #justSayin
9 minutes ago
 
26 Retweets 12 Favorites

 

The White House
@whiteHouse
OMG! LOL! So cute, Cuba can now use hashtags. #justSayin
8 minutes ago
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Uhh, and we have better hash too. #tagYoureShit
7 minutes ago
 
3 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

“The shroud of the social site has fallen. Begun the Tweet War has.”

—Yoda D’Kana

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Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President

Coral Gables, Fl—Former Governor of Florida and presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has proposed a new family tree suggesting he is in no way related to his brother, George W. Bush. The news came as quite a surprise to the rest of the Bush family, who always felt there was some relation between the two siblings.

"As you can clearly see from this graph," said Bush, "...uh, that Mick Zano Photoshopped onto a Holiday Inn conference room wall behind me (throat clear), that I am in no way related to my brother, George. In fact, Ancestry.com recently sent me a letter urging me to send back the leaf that represents George on my family tree. It’s all part of some massive ancestral-relational recall thing. It’s really complicated stuff involving quantum lineage, genealogical anomalies, and vodka spritzers. Bottom line, he’s not my real brother. It all makes perfect sense, I mean, the rest of the Bush’s can read and write."

Barbara Bush, the mother of at least one of the brothers, said, "I’m happy for Jeb, because he now has a promising political future, but I’m sad for George, who only paints now...well, it’s coloring really as the outlines are already on the page. He stays in the lines, though, which is better than he did in office."

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Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program
Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program

U.S./Mexico Border—Under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, rock attacks on our border agents have only increased. Such attacks are endangering our border patrol agents, but new evidence suggests these Weapons of Metamorphic Destruction are American in origin. The tracking of rocks started under President Clinton, but the Obama Administration and Homeland Security expanded this ill-fated program. Now it is believed many of the rocks that injured our border agents were part of a program known as Blast and Igneous designed to track pointy rocks as they travel back to Mexican drug cartels.

Arizona Senator John McCain said, "These rocks were all accounted for under republican leadership, but under Obama they’re now painting crude numbers on the bottom and then hoping for the best. It’s criminal negligence. These rocks are now scattered all over the border region. Does the government know where all these rocks are? Does Obama know where all these rocks are?" McCain is the ranking member of the Senate Subcommittee on Pointy and Potentially Lethal Projectiles (PPLP).

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, told the press, "Obama has not been sedimentary on this issue, so he doesn’t give a schist about more republican mudstone slinging. So start making gneiss. Get it, gneiss?"

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Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

The Manchurian Gutter Ball
By Pokey McDooris

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack...and he bowled a 77?

Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland
Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland, "All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
"All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
 
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New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: The Plot Stiffens
 
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And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes to...
 
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How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas I do criticize our 44th President, the ideologically-challenged always seem to boggart such endeavors, i.e., Obama really blew it on...wait, did Boehner just say "We’ve done our work"? Or, I’m angry with Holder because...did Paul Ryan just say "I’m not preaching austerity"? For this post I will set aside my own biases as to remain focused on—OMG! Krystol just said "Obama is dangerous and delusional!" Mr. Never-ever-right? Really?

Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act
Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act, "I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules," -Jefferson Smith
"I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules," -Jefferson Smith
 
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U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea
U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea,"I plan to meet Putin where he is," said Obama, "Somewhere in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros."
"I plan to meet Putin where he is," said Obama, "Somewhere in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros."
 
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Star Trek V Space Case
Star Trek V Space Case
 
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Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Don’t fret about this veto thing. Look, the words Christian conscience should not be an oxymoron. Gays would be happy to go to your hell but the Pope just admitted it’s fictional. Of course, he may reconsider his position if he ever visits Mesa. As for eternal damnation for the gays, how about we just take a brimstone check?

The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
 
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Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You think that’s bad? Initially I was going with drone strikes. The list of our-dangerously-incomptent-politicians-who-we-must-run-out-of-office has changed. Instead of identifying them via their support for Sarah Palin, we need to switch to all those elected officials derailing our current peace talks with Iran, D or R. Please turn in your flag lapel pins and all those donations acquired illegally before your car is towed.

Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
 
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The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future
The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future, Kidding! There are dozens.
Kidding! There are dozens.
 
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Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
By Mick Zano
Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
Mick Zano

Are you having a hard time deciphering Obama scandals? Are you confused whether or not Obama should be impeached? Can you even keep all of these scandals straight? I have turned all of our 44th President’s scandals into fun, easily digestible cartoons. So in five minutes you’ll finally understand everything, or your money back!

Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, "All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States."

As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"
As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"

Phoenix, AZ—After gutting Child Protective Services in the state of Arizona, Governor Jan Brewer announced her decision to "do it her (mother blanking) self." After citing a number of CPS failings, Brewer announced her decision to quarterback the statewide program.

The Governor told reporters, "The Jan-line will be available 24/7, or at least my motivational pre-recorded messages should be. Hey, I have to sleep some time."

When filing a report, if you do happen to reach Jan live, she will immediately dispatch Sheriff Joe Arpaio to drive a tank through the home of the alleged perpetrator. "As for neglect and abuse," said Brewer, "tanks have been known to greatly reduce recidivism. Now if you receive my pre-recorded messages you may hear such insightful gems as: Vote republican and end abuse, Think of the money this state is saving, right now! and, my favorite, Why not just call 911, morons?!"

This new system will save the state of Arizona an estimated seventy million dollars next year and Brewer believes it may actually help children learn to be more resourceful, self-sufficient and survival oriented.

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Either Way Christie Was Not Going to Be Nominated
Either Way Christie was Not Going to be Nominated, Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
 
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Obama's Policies Continue to Baffle Millennials
Obama's Policies Continue to Baffle Millennials
 
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Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
By Mick Zano
Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
Mick Zano

Through propaganda the rightwing media has effectively thinned the ice for Obama, which is not an easy trick during a polar vortex. So when his healthcare rollout faltered he immediately dropped to Bush-level approval ratings. Well played. I agree, ObamaCare is one of the worst things to ever happen to this country...um, except the whole it has barely started thing.

Liz Cheney Unleashes Polar Vortex After Failed Senatorial Bid
Liz Cheney Unleahses Polar Vortex after Failed Senatorial Bid

Cheyenne, WY—Liz Cheney, daughter of Sith Lord Voldemort, has ended her campaign for a Wyoming senate seat. Upon conceding her senate aspirations, she cackled manically to the press, "If you will not give me political power I will turn this country into a frozen wasteland!"

Immediately following her statements a large swath of the country was plunged into subzero degree temperatures. Cheney admits her father authorized Operation Deep Freeze, but she is currently denying allegations she used her powers to trap those global warming researchers deep in Antarctic ice. "Wish I had thought of that but, sadly, no," said Cheney.

She went on to explain how "pulling a Palin" would allow her to spend more time enjoying the simple pleasures in life, like tormenting her lesbian sister further on Facebook or waterboarding. "And enhanced interrogation techniques are so much funner with icicles," said Cheney.

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Kerry’s Shadow Making Progress in Mideast Peace Talks
Kerry’s Shadow Making Progress in Mideast Peace Talks, Abbas and Netanyahu both think "shadow has better personality, charisma."
Abbas and Netanyahu both think "shadow has better personality, charisma."
 
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North Korea Vows to Change Brown Paneling by 2015
North Korea Vows to Change Brown Paneling by 2015
“And there will be matching drapes long before then!”
—Kim Jong-Un
 
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How the Grinch Stole Health Care
How the Grinch Stole Health Care, Oh, the Who-manity!
Oh, the Who-manity!
 
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Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
 
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Obamacare Woes Make Me Long for Benghazi Headlines
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Benghazi is truly Obama’s biggest scandal. No shit. On a scale of one to ten, it nearly reaches the scale. After 472 Benghazi headlines all I learned is that republicans are equally culpable. And, yes, headline #473 brought me back to this lousy topic: Did Hillary Clinton’s Globetrotting Ways Contribute to Benghazi Disaster?

Obama Torches National Tree With Flare Gun
Obama Torches National Tree with Flare Gun

Washington, DC—To the horror of onlookers, President Barack Hussein Obama sent a flare hurdling toward our national Christmas tree at the onset of the tree lighting ceremony. Obama cackled maniacally as the 31-foot-tall Colorado blue spruce burst into flames.

The President later told the press, "I am not running for office again, which allows me to focus more of my energy and attention toward the War on Christmas."

In related news, heightened security for Santa is believed to have thwarted at least one atheist terrorist cell plot targeting the Macy’s Day Parade. Homeland Security claims the group plotted to both egg and toilet paper the jolly old elf for what they are calling "crimes against secularism."

As one of his final actions as Mayor, Michael Bloomberg boosted security and ordered NYPD to use lethal means should the President come within two blocks of Rockefeller Center. "Or if he’s carrying a soda product above the 16-oz legal limit," added Bloomberg.

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Can I Please Place Sanctions on Congress?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t think Congress can ultimately impose sanctions on Iran, but it wouldn’t be for lack of trying. With patriots like these who needs Al-Qaeda? The GOP was against this deal even before they knew any of the details, which many are calling beyond a knee-jerk response. So let’s just shorten it to beyond jerks.

What Keeps Me up at Night, Besides Jolt Cola
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are all living in the same country, during the same period in history, and yet during the Age of Information we remain completely unable to agree on even the most basic issues of our time. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Meanwhile, a republican’s arsenal consists of either breaking shit or graciously offering common sense solutions...involving unicorns.

Did Pardoned Turkey Rejoin Anti-Thanksgiving Extremist Group?
Did Pardoned Turkey Rejoin Anti-Thanksgiving Extremist Group?

Washington, DC—President Obama is on the defensive as evidence has surfaced suggesting last year’s pardoned turkey, Cobbler, has rejoined a known Thanksgiving Terrorist group. The Federal Bureau of Ornithology believes the turkey is fighting with the same gobbler-cell responsible for the Great Boise Butterball Basting, the St. Cranberry’s Sauce Massacre, and the Turkey Tetrazzini Terror over at Aunt Betty’s house.

Barack Obama minced no garlic, "Pardoning turkeys is a time honored White House tradition and this is the first bird ever suspected of rejoining with fowl militants. Should this rumor prove true, the full power of the White House kitchen staff will be brought to bear."

Acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Rand Beers, added, "We are winning the War on Thanksgiving! America is safe! Or at least it soon will be...you know, when that little temperature thing pops up on its belly."

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If Website Not Fixable 2nd White House Being Constructed to Hide Obama
If Website Not Fixable 2nd White House Being Constructed to Hide Obama, "It worked in Blazing Saddles," —Barack Obama
 
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The Tea Party Band Has All Your Block-a-Billy Favs!
The Tea Party Band has all your Block-a-Billy Favs! Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
 
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Isn’t That the Pot Calling the Ketamine Crack?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t understand that headline either, but don’t let that stop you. Let’s not end the War on Drugs today, let’s build a time machine and go back 20-years and end it then. Besides, a republican time machine could bring a whole new meaning to the word TARDIS. Think of the money we could save, not to mention the cost in human misery—or, as Schwarzenegger put it, come with me if you want to spliff!

Palin to Ride From Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform
Palin to Ride from Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform, "Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
"Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
 
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Climate: Keep the Change
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the post wonderful time of the year! I keep covering the GOP’s view of climate change because, if it didn’t mean the probable end of mankind, it would be downright hilarious—Discord’s latest video hilarious. You have to hand it to these folks, they aren’t going to fall for any scientific argument. It’s a gutsy move, like cross-dressing at a Tea Party rally. Never again!

Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare?
Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare? Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
 
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Discord Celebrates Its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
Discord Celebrates its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
 
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Rocky the Rollout Rodent to Explain Website Fail
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to Explain Website Fail

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration has enlisted the aid of an important fictional superhero to help children understand why their family members have died while waiting for Obamacare coverage. Rocky and his trusty sidekick, Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon, are already visiting numerous state exchanges, in full Kevlar, to explain recent enrollment glitches.

"Glitches are part of any new process, kids," said Rocky. "Just ask my friend, Glitchy!" Unfortunately, by this time Glitchy had already passed out in a nearby alley.

President Obama expressed his deep disappointment in Glitchy’s performance today, but blames republicans for the iconic sidekick’s sudden turn to alcohol. The White House is not officially commenting on the rocky rollout for Rocky the Rollout Rodent, but an unnamed Obama advisor hinted that all government employed superhero-types were greatly impacted by the sequester.

Pauli the Stimulus Package Panda was unavailable for comment.

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Johnny, Rosin up Your Bullshit: the Charlie Daniels Effect
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So this rightwing propagandist is making videos of ill-informed Obama supporters and then calling their stupidity: The Obama Effect. I tend to make more of a dent focusing on republican congressman and senators who actually say shit, out loud, about important issues, aka Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel need not apply.

Our Country Started With a Tea Party and Will Likely End by One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Full circle jerk. Regardless of these final negotiations Obama needs to enact an executive order to pay our bills, now. Playtime is over. He’ll be impeached, of course, but who cares? We need to avoid the collapse of the U.S. dollar as the world standard at all cost, pardon the pun. Oh, and don’t worry, the impeachment process has already been marginalized—or, as I call it, the Full Lewinsky.

Amidst Shutdown Washington Monument Sold to Chinese
Amidst Shutdown Washington Monument Sold to Chinese

Washington, DC—In a quiet backdoor deal, the U.S. Government has sold the Washington Monument to the Chinese for what President Obama is calling "a shitload of loan forgiveness." It is hoped this move will really help the U.S.’s long term deficits and by that Obama added "not much."

Republicans are criticizing Obama’s choice to sell off historic landmarks as Speaker John Boehner is calling the move, "Operation Hock and Pawn."

In related news, our national parks will open soon but they will also be under Chinese control. President Obama is putting as positive of a spin as he can on this event. "The transition should be seamless," said Obama. "Yearly national park passes are actually expected to drop under China’s management, well...umm, with the mandatory implanting of the required monitoring chip and DNA sample."

Libertarians are having a field day with this required monitoring chip. No, literally, they are all signing up and then playing field games wherein they can track one another’s whereabouts and progress. Yes, our current libertarians are idiots but our parks are open!

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You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?!
You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?! “That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car”  —Mick Zano
“That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car” —Mick Zano
 
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Missing Toddler Found Anchoring on Fox News
Missing Toddler Found Anchoring on Fox News

New York, NY—Three-year-old Tyler Stanton went missing for over two months. His frantic parents finally watched his show yesterday evening on Fox News. "We were so relieved he was alive," said his father, Bob Stanton. The Stantons do have mixed feelings about their son’s recent activities. "We’re happy with his ratings," said his mother, Tia, "but really upset he’s promoting a right wing agenda. We hope it’s just a phase he’s going through."

"Our ratings didn’t dip at all," said Fox News’s CEO, Rupert Murdoch. "The little tyke took over the 7PM slot quit seamlessly. He was much lower maintenance than most of my anchors. Look, we’ve already made a substantial donation to the people over at Labor and Industry, so I think this matter should be considered dropped."

One viewer added, "I loved him. I never saw tantrums like that, even after the election. I figured he really hated Obama like no one’s business. I’m still hoping he’ll show back up on MyCrib, Facebook Jr., or The House of Representatives."

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Polarization Nation: Thanks for Ending Our Democracy
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment...oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

ACA Exchanges Open: Obamalypse Now!!

The Former U.S.A.—Millions of Americans are now jobless, black people are inexplicably more empowered, and those last few gainfully employed real Americans are huddled around their television sets watching Fox News for updates and for strength.

"It’s horrible," said John Q. Republican. "Hospitals are inundated with paying customers and at night our streets are filled with roving gangs of death panels. As the Affordable Care Act is implemented, doctors are blanketing our neighborhoods, armed to the teeth with endless pages of healthcare policies. Oh, but no dental coverage yet."

Speaker John Boehner is outraged, "Anyone with a stethoscope can now enter your home without a warrant and decide who lives and who dies.  This not the America. It’s certainly not the America I hoped republicans would someday destroy."

All medical records will also be sent to the White House for review. "I will have my socialist army march house by house, neighborhood by neighborhood," warned Obama, "But don’t worry, I will only harass those who I deem to have unhealthy lifestyle habits. We need to weed out the clearly unhealthy, tax them until they die, and then double their death tax."

The shutdown is costing us our treasure and our credibility, but has done nothing to slowdown Obamacare, um, because of something called it’s already happening.  Meanwhile, the brand new Department of Homeland Fitness is adding millions to their Unhealthy Watch List, which has implications for employment, taxes, and targeted internet spam.

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You’re Being Called Anarchists Because You’re Anarchists
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight. If a president is elected twice on a premise, let’s say to insure more Americans, and his or her party holds the senate and the White House—oh, and the Supreme Court gives its blessings—the minority can still defund and block said legislation because they feel strongly about it? Okay...wait, what?!

Was Churchill’s Speech Really About Zombies?
Was Churchill’s Speech Really About Zombies?

London—The original recording of Winston Churchill’s 1940 speech is under scrutiny and many believe the Prime Minister was actually concerned about the dead rising from their graves to conquer England. Was Churchill’s original "fight on the beaches" bit about Nazis or zombies? Some even speculate it was about both Nazis and zombies like in Dead Snow (2009) or Shock Waves (1977). Just keep an open mind at this chilling new translation of that most famous of speeches:

We shall go on to the end...like in Omega Man (1971) or the Last Man on Earth (1964).

We shall fight in France...like in They Came Back (2004) and La horde (2009).

We shall fight on the seas and oceans...like in World War-Z (2013) and Zombie (1979).

We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air...like in Flight of the Living Dead (2007) and Quarantine 2 (2011).

We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be...like in Zombie Island Massacre (1984) and Island of the Living Dead (2006) and Scooby Doo on Zombie Island (1998)...a personal favorite.

We shall fight on the beaches...like in The Horror of Party Beach (1964) and Zombie Beach (2010).

We shall fight on the landing grounds...like in Warm Bodies (2013) and that other one whose name escapes me right now. It’s an Italian film; I can see the movie poster in my head.

We shall fight in the fields and in the streets...like in Dawn of The Dead (1978), the Walking Dead (2012), 28 Days Later (2002) and jinkies a whole shitload of others. Sorry, I just watched the Scooby Doo one. Zoinks! (Churchill really said Zoinks!)

We shall fight in the hills...like in Sugar Hill (1974) and Night of the Living Dead (1968).

But head shots only...we shall never dismember!

Unless it’s a demonic thing like in The Evil Dead (1981) and then by all means hack away.

—Winston Churchill

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Zano Initiates Operation Gloat and Jeer
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Less than 48-hours after I posted my Syria feature, Assad struck a deal to start handing over his WMDs.  Apparently, the single message of the U.S., Russia, and The Daily Discord proved too much for the evil tyrant. As for what the rest of you were thinking, umm, I’m afraid you had a case of the Grand Old Propagandas. Despite the implications, republicans are still trying to make this the most poorly handled foreign intervention ever. And to this I say, amen.

Obama Makes Impassioned Plea to Bomb Heaven
Obama Makes Impassioned Plea To Bomb Heaven

Washington, DC—President Obama announced his affinity toward atheism today and then denounced God’s record, both Biblical and present, as being "reckless and shortsighted." Obama told the press, "Let’s face it, our Savior is a douche. The Pope’s recent unwillingness to condemn Syria’s use of chemical weapons and God’s recent watery assault on the Rockies is unacceptable. I would expect this kind of shit from Allah, but not from an American deity."

Secretary of State, John Kerry, added, "Over the parables God has proven himself to be a ruthless, merciless zealot, who must be stopped! Why wait for this diabolical fiend to arbitrarily smite again?"

Whereas Kerry and Obama both acknowledge the statute of limitation has run out on God’s more Biblical shenanigans, they make a compelling case that God’s lofty lair is clearly a danger to the civilized world.

"God makes Assad look like a boy scout," said Obama.  "We know God has used rain, plagues, insects, and a form of high-yield brimstone condemned by the Geneva Conventions. We are not going to sit by idly while God uses these weapons of Sunday-mass destruction, penned in his own hand in Revelations, to end countless innocent lives. The international community must act, or the United States will."

The EU strongly condemns any military action against God, but the Pope hasn’t made up his mind yet.

"I admit it’s a grey area," said the Pope.

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Yoda Turns to the Dark Assad
Yoda Turns to the Dark Assad, "Gassed those rebels, I have. How embarrassing."
"Gassed those rebels, I have. How embarrassing."
 
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Syria: Operation "Point and Glare" Enters Third Straight Day
Syria: Operation "Point And Glare" Enters Third Straight Day, Two-Finger salute "immanent" and no hand gestures are off the table
Two-Finger salute "immanent" and no hand gestures are off the table
 
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Obama Takes Moment of Silence and Reflection on 9/11 Before Blowing Shit Out of Syria
Obama Takes Moment Of Silence And Reflection On 9/11 Before Blowing Shit Out Of Syria
 
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With Israel Mocking U.S. Weakness Kerry Initiates Operation Point and Glare
With Israel Mocking U.S. Weakness Kerry Initiates Operation Point And Glare, "We may yet initiate Operation Unfriend Assad On Facebook."
"We may yet initiate Operation Unfriend Assad On Facebook."
 
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Syria: Why Wait on Long Lines at Universal to See This Kind of Shit?
Syria: Why Wait On Long Lines At Universal To See This Kind Of Shit?
 
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Arson at Yosemite? Short Cowboy Sought for Questioning
Arson At Yosemite? Short Cowboy Sought For Questioning, The inferno now threatens the Le Pew Sewage Treatment Plant
The inferno now threatens the Le Pew Sewage Treatment Plant
 
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The Deplorable Care Act: ObamaCare 101
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Republicans are derailing Obamacare! Like it needed any help. Back in the day, when I directed my blogger-wrath toward those who thought the Surge in Iraq was a good idea, I, the anti-American hippy liberal I am, still prayed it would work. And I don’t pray often, unless there’s a cop behind me or I’m providing a urine sample for my HR director.

Kerry Makes Hilarious War Gaffe
Kerry Makes Hilarious War Gaffe, "We are certain the Syrian regime is using chemical tampons against their own pimples."
"We are certain the Syrian regime is using chemical tampons against their own pimples."
 
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Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting to Schizophrenics
Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting To Schizophrenics

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is embarrassed over leaked information suggesting the government has tormented the severely mentally ill for many years "just for fun." The transmission, which started in the sixties from deep within the Pentagon, has encouraged paranoid schizophrenics to try blocking these signals by donning a tinfoil hat.

Whereas President Obama admits the signal is occurring, he is denying any link between it and the makers of Reynolds Wrap.

Obama told reporters, "This was not my idea. Someone back in the day thought this would be funny. I am not condoning the practice but, had I ended this program amidst our fragile recovery, unemployment numbers would have only risen."

When asked about WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s assertions, which involved the targeting of those suffering from  eating disorders with a "Fat Signal", Obama got testy, "I personally ended Project Hand Wash for the obsessive compulsive and I completely scrapped Operation: Itsy Bitsy Spider for Arachnophobes. Look, you try spending the entire defense budget on just defense."

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Vast Majority of the 100,000 Mars Trip Volunteers Republican
 Vast Majority Of The 100,000 Mars Trip Volunteers Republican. Well, a Dem is in office and it is the red planet
Well, a Dem is in office and it is the red planet
 
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Snowden's Father Visits His Son in Russia
Snowden's Father Visits His Son In Russia
Vows to be more like son and leak details of visit
 
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NRA and Dems Join Forces?!
NRA And Dems Join Forces?! "It's an 88-Magnum. It shoots through scandals."
"It's an 88-Magnum. It shoots through scandals."
 
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Train Wreck Spike Linked to Global Warming?
Train Wreck Spike Linked to Global Warming? Or are trains just rebelling against the whole "rail thing"?
Or are trains just rebelling against the whole "rail thing"?
 
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Close Beartanamo Now!
Close Beartanamo Now! A grizzly scene, but at least there's no forced feeding.
A grizzly scene, but at least there's no force feeding.
 
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Train Engineer Received Weiner Sext at Time of Crash
Train Engineer Received Weiner Sext At Time of Crash. Spain is outraged, yet strangely aroused.
Spain is outraged, yet strangely aroused.
 
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Discord Faces Hostile Invertebrate Takeover
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Once upon a time companies and major corporations were only owned by humans, or their close cousins like The Discord staff. Not anymore. The Discord Tower has been purchased by the Crawdad Alliance. They plan to gut the structure and fill it with a murky swamp water, which according to staff, "Really shouldn’t be much different."

Zimmerman Stops Building From Falling on Playground
Zimmerman Stops Building from Falling on Playground

Miami, FL—George, George, George of the asphalt jungle is at it again! Only hours after pulling several people from a burning SUV, the controversial neighborhood watch member turned superhero proved his mettle again; this time by saving countless children from a fiery death.

Eyewitnesses claim he prevented a toppling building from crashing onto a park filled with children. The caped Zimmerman allegedly held the building aloft until the area was cleared by emergency personnel. The mask and his outfit had people wondering if he was fighting crime or this was his alternative to the Acquitted Protection Program.

"I wasn’t sure it was him at first, with that whacky get up," said Ella Porter of Miami Shores, "but when he started firing random shots at the fleeing black kids, we knew."

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Palin Weighs in on Detroit Bankruptcy
Palin Weighs In On Detroit Bankruptcy: “That poor city never had a chance after Katrina.”
“That poor city never had a chance after Katrina.”
 
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Fabrication Station
Fabrication Station, Dysfunction junction, what’s their function?
Dysfunction junction, what’s their function?
 
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Asiana Deems Flight 214 Salvageable
Asiana Deems Flight 214 Salvageable, “It just needs some duct tape.”
“It just needs some duct tape.”
 
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Liz Cheney Wanted for Exploratory Committee War Crimes
Liz Cheney Wanted for Exploratory Committee War Crimes

Washington, DC—Liz Cheney’s exploratory committee is already steeped in controversy. After deciding to run for a senate seat in Wyoming, the former vice president’s daughter allegedly wiretapped a number of politicians and journalists alike in an attempt to gather information she claimed, "Is vital to American security."

Cheney is standing by her decision to eavesdrop on potential political rivals and told critics today, "My actions are legal under the FISA Amendment of 2008, the Patriot Act of 2003, and the My Daddy Knows Where You Live Accord of 2013."

Other reports suggest incumbent, Senator Mike Enzi, was waterboarded yesterday by Cheney in his Casper office headquarters.

Cheney told critics, "Such activity is now legal under the Geneva Conventions and international law." We’re Kidding! She just said, "Our founding father would have wanted it this way," and then added, "Look, I don’t have a campaign manager yet, so I will need to implement my own enhanced election techniques until these duties can be delegated to either my Secret Political Commandant or my Black Ops Campaign Financial Manager...until then, deal, bitches."

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Egypt: Muslim Brotherhood Calls for Calm During Time of Transition
Egypt: Muslim Brotherhood Calls for Calm During Time of Transition, Kidding! They're blowing shit up.
Kidding! They're blowing shit up.
 
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Snowden Widens Asylum Search to All M-Class Planets
Snowden Widens Asylum Search to All M-Class Planets

Somewhere— Denied refuge in any country on Earth, whistle-blower Edward Snowden is expanding his search to all planets the Hubble found to be earthlike. When explained how scientists can’t be sure of any planet’s habitability outside of our own solar system, Snowden wept.

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Cardboard Cutout of John Kerry Returns From Israel
Cardboard Cutout of John Kerry Returns From Israel, No peace talks yet, but they enjoyed his company more this time.
No peace talks yet, but they enjoyed his company more this time.
 
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Taliban Negotiations Hinge on Safe Return of Bachmann to Earth
Taliban Negotiations Hinge on Safe Return of Bachmann to Earth
 
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FBI Evacuates Delaware in Search of Hoffa
FBI Evacuates Delaware in Search of Hoffa

Dover, DE— Delaware was declared a state of emergency today after the FBI had the region dug up and scoured as part of the Feds expanded effort to find Jimmy Hoffa. The decision to evacuate the state came on a tip from a credible homeless person from Baltimore. The FBI claims his cardboard sign read: Hoffa’s in Delaware: Will Help Find Him 4 Food.

FBI head nominee, James Comey, has already assumed command, "I know I haven’t been confirmed yet, but it’s a mere formality. Our inability to find Hoffa has been a black eye for this institution. It’s a disgrace. My first order of business is to find this guy so we can get on to the peoples’ business, like maybe finding Amelia Earhart."

At this hour thousands of displaced Delawarean refugees are flooding over the borders into Maryland and that other state that borders Delaware. (Sorry, Google Maps is down.)

Barack Obama said, "If this was a bigger state we would never have attempted something so evasive. But there is no way to imagine America without Delaware, and this great city will rise again."

When reporters pointed out how that was just a recycled Bush speech after Katrina, Obama said, "Yeah, I forgot to change city to state. Crap."

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Acronym Scandal Kit Score (ASKS):
Acronym Scandal Kit Score (ASKS)

Benghazi: WTF?

Solyndra: MGEIP (More Green Energy Investments, Please)

Fast & Furious: HST (Happening Since Truman)

NSA: MPB-GOP (Made Possible By GOP)

AP: MPB-GOP (Made Possible By GOP)

IRS: NLWH (No Link to White House)

Scandal Score Meter Reaches “Meh”

 
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Israeli Site Rape or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Surveillance
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I don’t understand why this whole NSA thing is a scandal. Don’t people watch the news, Fox or otherwise? How many times have people gotten nailed for sexting, porn site cruising, or questionable phone usage? Why is this news? You’d have to be an idiot to think that the Big Brother ain’t watchin’. Orwell was right, except 1984 just turned out to be a lame Van Halen album.

Eric Holder’s I Purged Myself Today Tops Charts
Eric Holder’s I Purged Myself Today Tops Charts
Better than his We Are Never Ever Getting Back the Freedom
 
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GOP: Debt, Delusion, and Drudge
Mick Zano

Historically liberal presidents have kept social programs afloat while lowering deficits. President Obama had the hardest time, for obvious Reagans, but it’s finally working (sorry, couldn’t work Bush into that one). The GOP, on the other hand, is forever shifting all resources to a handful of people while turning our country into a deficit-ridden slum. The fact none of them have deciphered their own mission statement, not to mention their own historical record, is a testament to the Matt Drudge’s of the world.

Bloomberg Responds to Operation: Glazed Donut Greasewich
Bloomberg Responds to <i>Operation: Glazed Donut Greasewich

New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg is calling Dunkin’ Donuts’ decision to release their glazed donut egg sandwich as a clear escalation in his War on Sweeteners. Bloomberg is willing to overlook this rogue, doe-fryer’s flagrant misspelling of both Dunking and Doughnuts, but he is drawing the line over their latest cholesterolic folly, the donut sandwich.

"This is an unholy alliance that could bring greasy foods and sugary products together like never before," said Bloomberg. "They’re even adding bacon to their latest code-blue menu option. Our children are in danger, our families are in danger, and this recklessness even threatens our entire healthcare system as a whole!"

In response to this crisis, Mayor Bloomberg intends to divert a significant amount of NYPD presence to all of the local donut shops, which he feels, "Won’t cost the city too much as they are usually there anyway."

Anyone believed to be purchasing more than one egg/bacon/donut sandwich thingie (EBDST) with the intent on eating them will be shot dead, which Mayor Bloomberg considers a "mercy killing".

"Look, they’d die soon anyway," said Bloomberg, "and this way is much easier on the healthcare costs."

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Threatening Letters to Bloomberg Test Positive for Saccharin
Threatening Letters to Bloomberg Test Positive for Saccharin

New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg has received countless packages and envelopes containing everything from sugar, to Splenda, to other dangerous carcinogenic sweetners. The Department of Homeland Sugarity stated many letters were smeared with thicker substances like icing, fudge, and Boston cream. For Bloomberg the most disturbing incident involved a sweetacide bomber, who poured Mountain Dew into the Mayor’s morning coffee. As a result, the Mayor is starting an elite NCIS division (No Confection In State).

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters today, "People who are trying to get me hooked on high fructose corn syrup are going to jail. I am declaring a War on Sweetners. I believe a Jihadist sweetner cell may already be operating in the tri-state area. It’s a fat people fatwa. And if I find the bastard I’m going to suecrose them for every penny!" He then turned to a heckler and said, "Yeah, Fruc-u-tose, sir! And, for the last time, I am not going to Do the Dew, it’s not the Real Thing, and I am certainly not going to Obey My Thirst. Listen up, you roly poly junk food junkies: when you walk out of a Krispy Kreme, I’ll be there, when you smuggle a Big Gulp over the New Christy border, I’ll be there, and by gum...don’t even get me started on gum!"

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GOP Scandal Factory in Honduras Collapses, Killing 47
GOP Scandal Factory in Honduras Collapses, Killing 47

Honduras—Three years ago the GOP outsourced scandal-creation to a company based out of a sex and organ-trafficking sweatshop in an area of Honduras known as the Badlands. The GOP is not happy with the quality of the scandals they’re receiving, nor the quantity. Yesterday the largest creator of imaginary scandals for republicans collapsed, killing 47 workers.

House majority leader John Boehner, saddened by the news, sprang into action, "We are in daily contact with the facility’s management and every step is being taken to shift production to a more suitable location."

When asked about the deaths, Boehner said, "They’re not Americans; am I missing something? Look, creating these scandals so far south...let’s just say, we’ve made the most political hay possible with those received, but American made Obama scandals would be more ideal—and we need em’. Hell, we’re starting to look like idiots. I don’t even understand the Benghazi thing and we paid top dollar for that crap. Then they tried to make good by selling us the IRS scandal, which has no links to the White House. We’re returning that shit. And don’t even get me started on ACORN and that birth certificate thing. That was a twofer, F#@%king Hondurans."

The GOP’s long term goal is to pass the Affordable Scandal Act while simultaneously lowering the minimum wage so that scandal-creating factories can be successful built right here in the United States.

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Scandal Quest: Would the Real Scandal Please Stand Up
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I would rather be inside a besieged embassy right now donning a certain Danish cartoon T-shirt than discussing Benghazi again, but if six months of endless headlines haven’t really netted you anything meaningful, please stop. People with a reading comprehension above a squirrel don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Make love not scandals. Besides, new scandals are emerging with teeth. Clue Alert: they’re being covered by something called "the media".

NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll
NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll

Washington, DC—The Neil Armstrong statue at Purdue University is being hauled away to be sold as scrap metal in an effort to "keep the lights on" claimed former astronaut and current NASA board member, Sally Ride.

"We tried a lot of other cost cutting measures first, scrapping the shuttle program, scrapping any future projects, and even closing our salad bar," said Ride. "Hell, we don’t even get glossy pictures back from the Hubble anymore and soon we’re going black and white only."

NASA’s brochure now reads, "Hey, most of space is black and white anyway, right?"

The Carl Sagan Memorial in Ithaca is also being targeted for some gold trim in the modest obelisk’s surface designs. "We wish there were more Sagan statues," said Ride. "We’d need a billion of ‘em," she said before laughing uncontrollably at her own joke.

As for their Rover Program, NASA is also cutting Opportunity loose. "It costs a lot of money to get messages back and forth from Mars every day and, frankly, we’ve used up all of our minutes this month anyway," said Ride. "Maybe it can find what’s left of its counterpart, Spirit, and finally settle down in a nice crater somewhere. We’re not paying their pensions, though. Screw that shit."

For the Discord’s really inappropriate rover coverage click here.

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Angered Christie to Fight the Next Sandy with Sand!
Angered Christie to Fight the Next Sandy with Sand!

Longbeach Township, NJ—Governor Chris Christie explained to reporters his idea to build a 127-mile sand bar off the coast of New Jersey to act as a natural barrier to protect his state from the next superstorm. To appease Republicans he’s calling it the Liberty Sand Bar & Grill.

Many residents fear the dune will become a boardwalk. To these critics Christie said, "I have no interest in building anything other than a dune. I don't want to build a road, I don't want to build a shower, I don't want to build a hut." He then recited the second half of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, adlibbing at times with gems like, "I will not build it in a ditch, I will not build it on some bitch. I will not build a dock or tram, I’m not building shit, so F^&%ing scram!"

According to witnesses, the Governor then turned green, picked up the nearest vehicle, and hurled into an adjacent building.

After calming down, he recited part of Churchill’s speech, "We will fight storms on the beaches, and the landing grounds, yada yada." He then later warned, "Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t vote for me when I’m angry."

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Bush Library Added to List of War Crimes
Bush Library Added to List of War Crimes

Washington, DC—All five living presidents attended the opening of the George W. Bush library to what our 43rd President called his new "liberrasey", which was so badly pronounced even after several attempts Microsoft Word remained suggestionless. 

Bush then added, "The whole liberry thing is mostly scratch-and-sniff and you can talk anywhere you want, even in the quiet sections, because of my ongoing dedication to freedom."

The Library is complete with a Torture wing, an Unnecessary War wing, and a How to End the American Dream Wing. "And, no, I’m not sorry about anything," added Bush. "Heck, that’s a wing too!"

An exact replica of Rodin’s The Thinker, only with Bush’s sculpted face, greets arriving visitors. These areas are all displayed to the stunning backdrop of larger-than-life size images of Bush "decid’n stuff" in the background. On the overhead speakers blares a breathtaking rendition of My Pet Goat, just as George Bush recited it to children on 9/11 as lower Manhattan and the Pentagon burned.

The Bush Library is already being sued by the ACLU for actions they consider "unbecoming of a library." There are strict rules listed on the back of each library card warning visitors that any failure to return material could result in heavy fines, deportation, or even enhanced Dewey Decimal techniques banned by the Geneva Conventions.

"This is my shit," said Bush. "Paid for by people just like you...well, of the dumb variety, heh, heh. Treat my shit with respect and enjoy the freedom all my decisioning made possible."

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School Fieldtrip Visits Last Moderate Republican
School Fieldtrip Visits Last Moderate Republican

Augusta, ME—Last week, Mrs. Donavan’s 10th grade class made the trip all the way from Gloucester, Massachusetts to Augusta, Maine to see the last moderate Republican in the country, Senator Susan Collins. The class made the 160-mile journey in a bus that runs on switchgrass, recycled cow manure, and love.

"Senator Collins was wonderful," said Mrs. Donavan. "She spoke in complete, unbroken sentences and almost made sense on several issues. In other words, by this time next year she’s toast. These children will grow up in a world where Republicans are all barely literate, ultra-conservative Christian soldiers. This was perhaps the last chance for them to actually speak to one...um, who can speak."

The teacher wanted to expose her students to Real America as well, "But that can be dangerous," warned Donavan. "I’d planned to follow the bus in my Prius, complete with an Obama/Biden bumper sticker. Have you ever seen a Prius without such a sticker? I believe it’s a law. Anyway, last year I was simply driving through Kansas but each time I slowed down below 65 mph I was fired upon."

Last May Mrs. Donavan considered taking her class all the way to Woodlands, Texas to visit Congressman Rob Eissler, but the Tea Party had already ejected him just prior to their visit.

"He wasn’t particularly moderate," said Donovan, "but he was about as close as you were going to get in Texas."

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After Ricin & Boston Attack U.S. To Invade Germany
After Ricin & Boston Attack U.S. To Invade Germany

Washington, DC— In the wake of the terrorist bombing in Boston and the ricin-laced letters, President Obama told reporters today he intends to unilaterally invade and occupy the country of Germany. Obama believes he has no choice now but to "bomb the crap out of those krauts."

The President said, "Bush invaded Iraq for oil and this is a much nobler cause. Germany has a great economy, they are approaching 50% solar, and the beer there rocks. We need those solar panels, so we must usurp that shit!" Obama later explained to Republicans that usurp means, "When you take something wrongfully by force." He then used the example of the 2004 election.

For many, the second stage of Obama’s plan to invade Turkey seems less linear. "There’s some nebulous connection between Turkey and Boston Chicken," explained Obama. "At least from a word association angle, so I’m nuking me some bird. Look, it made sense in my dream. Just be thankful I’m keeping Hagel from bombing Israel. Trust me, once Turkey is a budding democracy it will be a domino effect. Soon all the Muslim countries will abandon Allah and start worshipping the Allah mighty dollar. Heh, heh." Obama then laughed at his own joke for the next several minutes before releasing the hounds and scattering the remaining reporters.

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Seven Mythical Creatures Dead after Botched Narnian Drone Attack

Narnia—The Shuddering Wood earned its name after two violent explosions occurred earlier today.  The aftermath of a Predator Drone attack left seven innocent mythical creatures dead, dozens injured, and many others asking the question, how could this have happened in a mythical place?  The number of U.S. Drone attacks on Narnian soil has increased markedly in recent weeks, which has further strained Narnian-U.S. relations.  The Pentagon is calling the botched drone attack "a major fuck-up."  Major Fuckup was unavailable for comment. 

Four minotaurs, two centaurs, and one faun were reportedly frolicking near the western end of the Shuddered Wood when eye witnesses claim all hell broke loose.

"It was all really peaceful like and then, all of a sudden, the manure hit the windmill," said Nimienus a local faun.  "That’s not a metaphor, there’s still a clump dangling off one of the mill’s sails."

The Drone attacks were ordered after the Pentagon received what they thought to be a credible tip regarding the whereabouts of the White Witch.  President Obama called the incident "deeply regrettable" and extended his sincerest apology to Prince Caspian.  Obama hopes the White Witch will be apprehended soon and that U.S. and Narnian relations can return toward "an agenda based on mythical goals and mythical respect."

"But until then," Obama warned, "I’m dropping more bombs on that evil bitch’s ass."

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The "Media Research" Center
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love picking on the Media Research Center (MRC). I chose not to put mock quotes around the word "center", because they are the center...of insanity. I am a subscriber so I never miss one compelling post from the heart of the paranoia realms. For me the MRC, headed by Brent Bozell, equates to endless hours of free entertainment. Yeah, this is one media watchdog group that should probably be put down as rabid.

The Easter Story Cover Up
The Easter Story Cover Up

Washington, DCIf eyewitness accounts are accurate, on Easter Sunday President Barack Obama dove in front of the Easter Bunny after a car backfired near the White House. But why has his seemingly heroic act to save this holiday icon getting so little coverage? The lame stream media is completely ignoring this important story.

Christians immediately begged the question, would he have done the same for Jesus? Since the Easter Bunny is a pagan creation, symbolizing sexual prowess, many Christians believe Obama was simply protecting his Mojo.  Is this further proof Obama is a hedonistic heathen?

Republican crackpot, Rick Santorum, also believes this supports his theory gay marriage leads to bestiality. "Look at the footage," said Santorum. "While the children searched for treats, what exactly was Obama doing with the Easter Bunny in those bushes?"

Obama responded, "Santorum is splitting hares." When the groaner received endless bad press, the President later told the press, "Just be glad I didn’t go with the ‘my Peter in his Cottontail’ joke. Heh heh."

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CPAC Summary: This Time Let's Get Crazy Right!
CPAC Summary: This Time Let's Get Crazy Right! How do we sell our bad ideas to a broader audience?
How do we sell our bad ideas to a broader audience?
 
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Sequester Forces "Ramen Noodle Wednesdays" at White House
Sequester Forces "Ramen Noodle Wednesdays" at White House

Washington, DC—No one is sure if President Barack Obama gave the executive order to add Ramen Noodle Wednesdays to the menu, but staffers claim the inexpensive Chinese noodle will be a White House staple until the sequester situation is resolved.  The menu typically includes a main meal plus the soup of the day. However, Wednesdays will now consist of no main course and only Ramen Noodles as both the soup and the dessert.

When the head chef was asked if that was a typo, Cris Comerford, said, "No, with a little white chocolate and some pecans we can make the noodles into crunchy vanilla clusters. We call them Patriot Piles here at the White House. Heh, heh." When asked if the dessert will be made from the leftover soup, Comerford seemed insulted, "No, No, we serve dessert immediately after the soup. I don’t think we’d have to actually strain the leftover Ramen Noodles to make the dessert...well, unless the next debt ceiling thing goes south."

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, dodged questions today regarding rumors the White House plans introduce a weekly Leftovers Day, which in a leaked memo, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, referred to as Operation: Search or Starve.

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Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall
Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall

Washington, DC— Fifty-eight-years ago in Alabama, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a segregated bus and by doing so triggered a civil rights shit storm not seen since The Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Parks apparently also never served on jury duty or returned any of her library books. Yet she was honored last week with a bronze statue that will forever reside at the National Statuary Hall. Due to a number of missteps, however, many are calling the ceremony "a fiasco". Organizers unfortunately chose to play The Beatles’ Get Back as the statue was being unveiled.

Director of the exhibit, Dan Godfrey, said, "Hey, at least we didn’t go with our original idea, George Thorogood’s Move It On Over."

About halfway through the ceremony the statue was suddenly dragged to the back of the hall by a crane, causing outrage and...er...sorry, Thesaurus.com crashed tonight.

"This was not meant as an insult," insisted Godfrey. "We were simply correcting a layout mistake. We were actually reserving that spot for Chris Christie for his work after Hurricane Sandy and he’s obviously going to need some space."

President Barack Obama told those in attendance, "We can do no greater honor than to remember and to carry forward the power of...sorry, Teleprompter.com crashed tonight."

Then John Boehner stared at the new Parks statue, sobbed uncontrollably for a while, and said, "Well, she did break the law at the time, but ditto I suppose."

Organizers admitted they also got the plaque wrong. As it turns out, Rosa Parks never said, "Get these MFing snakes off this MFing bus!"

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Hagel Declares War on Israel!
Hagel Declares War on Israel!

Washington, DC—In his first action as our new Defense Secretary, Chuck "Hamas Loving" Hagel, dropped onto a mat, praised Allah, and started his ablutions toward Mecca. Many fear Hagel, not entirely sure where his office is yet, is already preparing to unleash the full force of the United States military on "those Jewish MFs." Upon hearing the news Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu immediately expanded some settlements in the back of his pants.

Although Hagel’s military operation, Nosh & Awe, relies heavily on air and fridge raids, he is nevertheless deploying all of our openly gay military men and women to the Middle Eastern front. Each day more of our fabulous marines are being air dropped on Tel Aviv, or Ground Zero, as it is known to our Air Force. Most are only armed with rainbow targets on their backs and LGBTQ literature.

Hagel told the press, "Look, it’s simple, I have lots of enemies and by this time tomorrow I’ll have much much less. We will attempt to minimize civilian deaths, well, as much as we can after the detonation of a thermonuclear device in a country the size of New Jersey, ha, ha, ha..." He actually laughed much longer and more diabolically, but we shortened it.

Hagel, described by his children and pets as "already drunk with power", is creating extensive lists of friends and enemies. Currently torn between supporting or ending his own political party, our 24th Defense Secretary is weighing his options carefully.

"I still feel a certain affinity toward the GOP," said Hagel, while awkwardly petting a cat. "My feelings are fluctuating between giving them each a great big hug all the way to targeting them with drone enemas. I’m trying to quit the GOP. I kind of look at it like attending Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Chuck Hagel. I’m a recovering Conservative. It’s been nine days since I made a political decision based on bullshit."

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Zombienomics or Night of the Living Prez
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Washington, DC—Last night, the rotting corpses of several deceased U.S. presidents reanimated themselves in an attempt to stabilize the economy from beyond the grave and "to put an end to this Pirate Bay thing."

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part Two)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

Norquist to Unleash Government Shrink Ray!

Washington, DC—Grover Norquist of the infamous "Norquist Tax Pledge" is threatening to use a diabolical machine of his own creation. Mr. Norquist dropped out of the public eye several months ago after many began viewing his tax ideas as "stupid" and "really stupid." It is believed the tax-crazed political hack has been building a secret lab under our Capitol for many years. Deep in his subterranean layer, with only reruns of Pinky and the Brain to keep him company, the Conservative spokesman has been busy weaving his next diabolical plot. He now claims to wield the most sinister weapon since North Korea’s latest dildo-like missile fail (DLMF).

Norquist is threatening to use what he is calling his "Government Shrink Ray" on all of our largest government funded agencies and institutions.

The Obama Administrations is refusing any and all of Norquist’s demands, which among other things included Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume.

"Look," said President Obama, "if we allow him to shrink government, he already said he would strangle what was left in a bath tub. I would rather give Putin our nuclear codes or give Ahmadinejad my personal cell phone number. Besides, we would have to see some proof of this fantastic weapon."

Norquist responded, "I have actually had a smaller prototype for several years and I have already tested that once. Do you remember what happened back in April of 2010? Do you remember an agency called ACORN? MwHa ha ha ha ha!"

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Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

Gun Enthusiasts Use Zombie Threat to Justify Arsenals
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, "All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!"  This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.

The GOP: Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
By The Crank
The Crank

I got an email today from Reince Preibus, or whatever the F his name is, the head of the GOP. It seems that they now want to hear from the average Republicans—you know, people with real jobs—about how they can improve the party’s platform. I will now relate to youse’ my rather Cranky reply:

Woman Manatee Rider Added to "Manatee Offender List"

Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz' wet bar (we're sure it's one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

"The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can't seem to stay the F off the manatees," said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. "President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?"

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to "tap the glass". For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, "We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM)."

The Daily Discord's Cokie McGrath added, "Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don't think so. Why don't we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?"

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord's worst jokes of the week... "Oh, the hu-manatee!"

Kidding, we've had worse.

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GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capitol Building
GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capital Building, Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
 
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Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment
Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. "A two hundred and twenty something year old fish," added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the "drone death list."

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, "I’m making a list and checking it twice...I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em."

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his....well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was "slightly impulsive," and then later blamed his actions on being "caught up in the moment."

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some "pull my trigger-finger" variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, "He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here." Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins...er, which is an affront to donuts...of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

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Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
 
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Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
By Mick Zano
Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
Mick Zano

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, "Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?" The answer is sure...just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?
Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the "Full Palin" as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, "I think Fisties would be best."

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, "How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?"

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, "The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis."

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, "Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing."

Boehner replied, "I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo," which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, "Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House...except cookie catcher. I love that shit!"

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could "get a hole in one". After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, "The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved."

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.

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Clinton Creates Nano-Blood Clot to Avoid Testifying
Clinton Creates Nano-Blood Clot to Avoid Testifying, What will those diabolical Dems think of next?
What will those diabolical Dems think of next?
 
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After The Next Congress Recess What If We Just Change All The Locks On The Capital Building?
After The Next Congress Recess What If We Just Change All The Locks On The Capital Building?
 
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"Why did the Mayans Build the Fiscal Cliffs in the first place?"
"Why did the Mayans Build the Fiscal Cliffs in the first place?" "They were probably Republicans."
"They were probably Republicans."
 
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Elves are Ho Ho Homeless After Santa’s Reign of Terror
Elves are Ho Ho Homeless After Santa’s Reign of Terror

North Pole—Old St. Nick is up to no good again this holiday season after he effectively ended all collective bargaining rights for the elves who work in his toy factory. The toy makers are complaining about the cold working conditions, the lack of healthcare, and how they are forced to work 364 days a year compared to their "fat CEO who only works one bloody overnight!"

Santa told the press, "If they want healthcare the little bastards need to stop living so long. Raise the Medicare eligibility age to four-hundred and you won’t faze one of those little shits."

Santa is apparently still in a Yule-time rage over the election results. When asked if he was concerned about his jolly old image, Santa said, "I deliver more toys to rich kids, always have. Christmas is big business! Besides, Democrats have always been behind the War on Christmas and those damn Occupiers were here last year. They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits. The bastards all kept going on about Climate Change, like I’m going to complain if it goes from -10° Fahrenheit to -8°. Wankers! You just need to get the Snow Miser off the booze and we’ll balance the weather all right."

When asked how he got rid of the Occupy encampments, Santa replied, "As it turns out Bumbles apparently do bounce, at least they do down at Christmas Town’s red and green light district. Ho ho ho bags. You should have seen the looks on those barely employable liberal faces. And if any of you hippie bastards try that shit again I’ll have the Winter Warlock freeze your beards to my sleigh runners!"

He then ended the interview with a joke, "What’s the difference between Santa Claus and an Occupy Wall Streeter? Santa at least works one day a year. Ho ho ho!"

He actually said two jokes but the other one isn’t really appropriate for this publication.

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The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation
The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation: "Mmmm, liquidation"
"Mmmm, liquidation"
 
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Because Our Stupidity Goes to 11!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?
Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, "I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls."

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, "Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters."

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

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Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"
Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. "We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains."

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, "We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla."

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, "Sometimes, yes, other times not so much."

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We Should Win A Pulitzer for This!
We Should Win A Pulitzer for This! Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
 
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Apu Weighs In On Hostess Debacle
Apu Reacts to Hostess Going Chapter 11, "Almost as bad as the Great Squishee Shortage of ‘97"
"It's almost as bad as the Great Squishee Shortage of '97"
 
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You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
By The Crank
You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
The Crank

I sit here today with a heavy heart, a fogged mind, and one hell of a headache. After barely recovering from the tragic turn of events on Election Failure Day, I am faced with yet another piece of the puzzle from Uh-mericuh—a land without liberty, a land without riches, and now…a land without Twinkies. I was not ready for yet another blow to my rather tenuous grasp on sanity, but this one really takes the cake (sorry).

I Remember A Time When Scandals Weren’t Imaginary
I Remember A Time When Scandals Weren’t Imaginary, and they were made right here in America
And they were made right here in America
 
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Twitanic
Twitanic, LIVE HO-HOs! LIVE!
 
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Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour
Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour

Washington, DC—For his 2nd term, President Barack Obama has decided to just piss off Republicans. He doesn’t feel our system is horribly functional right now, so annoying the GOP is his highest priority. He started by bowing to Admiral General Aladeen, the Tyrant of Wadiya, earlier today. Obama plans to spend lots of taxpayer money while bowing to other world leaders across the globe.

Obama told reporters, "Look, instead of helping to fix the damage they caused, the GOP made its primary mission to make me a one term president, so screw ‘em."

Vice President Joe Biden plans to create an actual death panel for the Affordable Care Act. They will have the power to, not only deny treatment for certain conditions, but they will have the authority to eliminate targeted healthy people as well.

The President plans to go on a nonstop world vacation in the guise of a business trip. "Not only am I going to bow to everyone and anyone," said Obama, "I may do some oral sex photo simulations as well. And this term we’re really going to focus on hindering small businesses. Enough of this tax breaks and helping them shit. I may even park my motorcade in front of some to block traffic. The best part is, we’ve designed a machine that allows food stamps to literally fall out of my ass while I walk. Heh, heh."

When asked what he would be apologizing for this round, the President said, "Biden." He then added the word, "Duh."

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You Don't Have Romney to Kick Around Anymore
You Don't Have Romney to Kick Around Anymore, Thank the comedy gods Bachmann is still in
Thank the comedy gods Bachmann is still in
 
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Dear Fox News
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters
Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement "several hundred times".

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, "Have you voted yet?!" and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, "You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!"

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, "I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill."

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

"I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers," said Rove. "You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!"

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called "Joker and Two-Face", which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.

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Klingons Mourn the Loss of a Kindred Spirit Today
Klingons Mourn the Loss of a Kindred Spirit Today
Klingons Vow to Avenge Romney!
 
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"Voting neo-fascist or neo-Marxist?" asked Piglet. "I prefer Neo from The Matrix," said Pooh.
 
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Paul Dunk, On Assignment, Massachusetts
By Paul Dunk
Paul Dunk

CDC, Atlanta—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta are set to announce on Friday a link between televised political ads and the recent nationwide outbreak of lung infection. A spokesperson at the CDC, Eileen DuBonnet, said to expect more details at Friday’s press conference, but that the findings are "based on surveys taken by over 18,000 citizens who have fallen ill at some point during the past two months." These victims, according to DuBonnet, are experiencing symptoms ranging from a "dry, hacking cough," to, "thoughts of suicide."

I Hope Mitt Lets Me Out Of His Binder Soon
I Hope Mitt Lets Me Out Of His Binder Soon
 
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Surviving in a Post-Truth World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What if Romney wins? How will that impact our already tenuous grip on reality? What the hell happens when we institutionalize the House of Rove? A place where people can say anything, minus fact-checkers, minus any objectivity, minus any political consequences for lying? We already have that, it’s called a spoof news site—well, some consequences, but we’ll leave the Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise lawsuit out of this.

Entire Focus Group Thinks Romney Won Last Debates
Entire Focus Group Thinks Romney Won Last Debates

Washington, DC—Fox News’s Minister of Meme Management, Dr. Frank Luntz, has officially laid the coveted Goebbels’ Egg today. Dr. Luntz, an integral part of the Republican bubble of non-reality, is best known for his ability to harness every American’s inherent stupidity.

"We vote 80% on emotion and 20% on intellect and that last number is just too high," warned Luntz.

This pollster of pollsters, this inventor of the unfocused group, this "it’s not what you say, but what they hear" steaming pile of propaganda is thrilled with recent developments. "It’s remarkable," said Luntz, "I have hatched an entire group of Americans who think Romney, despite his poor performances, actually won the last two debates. This is beyond my wildest expectations. Nearly half the country doesn’t even think Romney lost a single exchange...even last night when several times he said the President’s policies haven’t worked and then paraphrased the President’s policies...even the one before that when the moderator corrected Romney in real time and told him to ‘sit the F back down, bitch.’"

For years Karl Rove has used Dr. Luntz and his minions to foment this alternate universe and their hard work has finally paid off.

When asked who he thought actually won the last two debates, Dr. Luntz said, "This is not about opinions. This is not even about the proliferation of bullshit. This IS bullshit! Plato’s bullshit! The archetypal steamy mound of emotional metaphors. Your brains, your thoughts, your views are all mine. Mine! Mwahahaha!"

Karl Rove was unavailable for comment. He was rushed to the hospital earlier today with an erection that has lasted for more than four hours.

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Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
 
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Mitt Romney Has the Invisible Plan
Mitt Romney Has the Invisible Plan, Opening January 20, 2013 (maybe)
Opening January 20, 2013 (maybe)
 
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Romney Courts the Undead Vote
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
By Mick Zano
Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the "Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s" request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
By The Crank
First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
The Crank

Shortly after the re-inauguration of Barak Obama, I was in line at Carl’s Jr. when they came for me. I had heard about the banning of large drinks in New York and thought, "Wow, good thing I live in Arizona." People here don’t like so much Government involvement in their daily lives. That’s why Arizona has a stockpile of weirdness. We were free to be as weird as we wanted and we like it that way. After all, true freedom is the freedom to not be like everyone else, even when that means having no brains. It’s who we are.

Are We Better Off Than We Were Four Years Ago?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Umm, let me think (cue squiggly flashback sequence): I had just lost everything in the stock market, I was doctor shopping for benzodiazepines, and after I drank myself to sleep each night with a bucket of vodka, I prayed to the God Yig that Bush wouldn’t start a land war in Iran. Umm, yeah, I’m thinking a tad better. Now I’m in therapy instead of abusing valium and I’m almost completely off the vodka...er, well, I do occasionally chug hand sanitizer when my sponsor isn’t looking.

Tomb of the Unknown Candidate
Tomb of the Unknown Candidate, Let no man say he did not give 53%!
Let no man say he did not give 53%!
 
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Romney Campaign Blaming Chief Strategist
Romney Campaign Blaming Chief Strategist, In his defense, he did already fire Dr. Evil
In his defense, he did already fire Dr. Evil
 
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Limbaugh on DNC: A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!
Limbaugh on DNC A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!

Palm Beach, FL—Rush Limbaugh is not backing off The Discord’s totally fictitious headline today. But come on, Rush, you were thinking it. After last night’s Democratic National Convention, Limbaugh also tweeted, "I’m just calling a spade a spade" and "I wish those bitches' parents had used birth control!" Come on, Rush...admit it, you blankety, blank, blank!

A note from Mick Zano:

Sorry about that. Getting into Rush’s brain brings me to a dark place sometimes. While on a road trip yesterday, I unfortunately subjected myself to hours of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity. None of them addressed a word of Clinton’s speech. Not a word. Umm, sorry to burst your bubble, literary, but your entire economic worldview was dismantled in 48-minutes by a man who actually balanced the budget. Oh, he also said how the GOP keeps lying all the time and now lives comfortably in an alternate reality. Sounds like he reads The Discord.

Instead of addressing Clinton's damning economic appraisal of conservative "ideas", the right wing media chose instead to cover the Dems flip-flopping on removing "God-given" from their platform language. This was their coverage ALL day. Sure the Democrats understand, as our founding fathers did, the need for a separation of church and state, and sure there's a growing number of atheists out there, so what? But how about a compromise? I know, that's a joke too. But I'll tell you what, we’ll leave the part about the magic Santa-like man who lives in the clouds in our platform, if you add science and arithmetic to yours!

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GOP Diagnosed: Let the Healing Begin!
GOP Diagnosed: Let the Healing Begin!

A team of psychiatrists led by Dr. Sterling Hogbein of Hogbein Institute and Buffet have used the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) to successfully diagnose the entire GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Head of the American Psychological Association, Dr. John Oldham, added, "Republicans primarily suffer from a personality disorder, which is fairly untreatable. Whereas rigidity of thought remains pervasive in this group, we added the Cognitive Disorder NOS to the Axis I primarily so we could bill Medicaid for the evaluation."

Dr. Hogbein remains more hopeful, "We do have a cluster of personality disorders here, a rare Cluster-F, actually. We could have picked borderline, anti-social...really any of them can apply during any given news cycle, but if Fox News and AM radio agreed to start broadcasting non-stop DBT therapy sessions, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it could at least raise the average Republican to a level where they can safely navigate the community."

If this doesn’t happen, Dr. Hogbein and Dr. Oldham agree the Republican’s prognosis poor. "It’s not uncommon for self-harm behaviors to start occurring, like supporting big oil or blocking climate change policies, which we’re already starting to see happen," said Dr. Oldham.

The Psychiatric community fears things could culminate in a fit of histrionics not seen since that last Hannity episode. "And involuntarily committing approximately 40% of our society poses some logistical issues for sure," added Dr. Hogbein. "But let’s start with Bachmann and see how it goes."

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GOP Reveals Its Vision
GOP Reveals Its Vision, Warning: don't wear if you're from this reality
Warning: don't wear if you're from this reality
 
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If This Is Going To Be A War of Ideas...
If This Is Going To Be A War of Ideas, isn't it time Republicans got some?
..Isn't it time Republicans got some?
 
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Floridians Brace for Waves of Stupid Ideas, Wind
Floridians Brace for Waves of Stupid Ideas, Wind

Tampa, FL—The Republican Convention is set to go, but the weather is turning ugly in Tampa and so is the rhetoric. The GOP is honing its policies and positions into one focused, laser-like-beam of bad ideas. Majority Leader John Boehner said, "Never mind the weather, we have so many bad ideas we may need a bigger venue to fit them all anyway."

When asked about Todd Akin’s ban after his controversial rape remarks, Boehner said, "Look, a lot of us have the same views. It’s not about the dumb ideas themselves—we embrace that shit. For example have you seen Paul Ryan’s budget proposal?—but we support only bad ideas that win elections, not ones that lose them."

Mitt Romney immediately distanced himself from Boehner’s remarks. "I don’t think bad ideas are the way forward," said Romney. "Having ‘no ideas’ is the approach that resonates with real America. Being completely devoid of any viable position whatsoever is the way to go. If we open our mouths, we’re toast. In fact, I plan on missing all the Obama debates by contracting some type of botchalism."

Romney later corrected his statement, "I meant botulism, but I haven’t decided between that or West Nile Papyrus."

Saying something stupid, but getting a bounce in the polls, is fine with the GOP, but if you lose support with said dumb idea then it’s hast la vista baby. On a related note, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is also banned from attending the GOP Convention.

"We really don’t want anyone attending from California at all," said Romney, "unless it’s Nancy Pelosi in piñata form."

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The Other Grover's Tacks Pledge...
The Other Grover's Tacks Pledge..."I'll remove these when Cookie Monster can eat what he wants!"
"I'll remove these when Cookie Monster can eat what he wants!"
 
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Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program
Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program

Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, "I’m takin’ em, bitches." Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press "whatever it takes." He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of "an important conspiracy operation thingie." Obama told reporters, "All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism."

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. "I will overturn the 1st and 2nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er...a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood," said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, "All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney...especially the Scalia part."

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.

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Bachmann’s Attack Finally Reaches Fabled "Ass Ceiling"
Bachmann’s Attack Finally Reaches Fabled "Ass Ceiling"

Washington, DC—Last April, progressive liberals sent director James Cameron on a deep sea mission to explore the depths of Republican hypocrisy. He failed. Having reached Dick Cheney’s moral compass at 35,000 ft, the director and explorer was forced to resurface. Despite a sea of ridiculous statements over the last decade, no attempts from within the Republican Party has ever been made to reel in these right wing extremists...until now.

Cameron said this week, "I could swear just before I started my ascent I saw two crazy eyes staring up at me from the abyss. Now I know who it was."

This week Michele "crazy eyes" Bachmann missed one too many Risperdal consta injections and started an all out attack on Hillary Clinton’s Muslim aide, Huma Abedine. Despite her very Jewish husband, or evidence of any kind, Bachmann claims she has clear ties to the Muslim Brotherhood.

Bachmann told reporters, "I don’t understand, I’ve never needed any evidence before?" The Minnesota Congresswoman has no idea why all of a sudden facts matter. "I never got that memo! Don’t you people watch Fox?"

In Bachmann’s defense, navigating the bubble of non-reality called Fox News for so long can actually change brain structure itself. Problems can occur if and when someone attempts to venture back to Earth. During Fox interviews, she would always arrive tablu rasa—in an almost Zen-like state of ideological drivel. When she handed her crayon-scribbled psycho-babble over to one of the show’s producers, they simply recreated it to the best of their ability using some type of computer program, possibly PhotoShop.

Bachmann added, "Besides, Obama’s killing all the really bad Muslims and my McCarthy-esque bigotry and hatred needs to be directed somewhere, bitches."

OK, in all fairness to the Congresswoman, we added the word ‘bitches’ but it was clearly implied.

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Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?
Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous "Richard Dryfuss incident."

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species...but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

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Dawn of the Dumb: A Look Back to 2012
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In the year 2050 The Daily Discord is celebrating its 42nd anniversary and its one thousandth page view! Whoot! Whoot!...that’s almost 25 a year! We would like to look back to the time of the Discord’s inception—a time of turbulence, a time when humanity turned away from logic, reason, science, and a hit television show known only as Glee.

Mubarak Lives but Hasn't Gone Near the Hamster Wheel or his Water Bottle for Days
Mubarak Lives but Hasn't Gone Near the Hamster Wheel or his Water Bottle for Days
 
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Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"
Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to "rub the lotion on its skin" until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, "If this shit doesn’t recover, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!" He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, "Regulate this, Obama."

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, "No way," but later admitted to reporters, "But it is a good coffee table book for sure."

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The Fudge Report: The Disservice of Matt Drudge
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I chose June 3rd to interpret Matt Drudge’s sad, ideological nonsense over on The Drudge Report. For those of you non-Drudgers, this guy cherry picks headlines designed to embarrass the President and reorganizes information in the guise of a news site. These headlines seem damning and they often paint quite a picture. What they don’t tell you is the artist of said picture has been huffing the paint fumes.

Ron Paul Admits to "Partial Erection" after U.S. Announces Aid Cuts to Pakistan
Ron Paul Admits to "Partial Erection" after U.S. Announces Aid Cuts to Pakistan

Springfield, VA—This week’s announcement from the White House that aid to Pakistan will be cut $33 million was followed by a proud statement from Ron Paul’s headquarters in Springfield Virginia.

Paul pole supporter, Peter Johnson, told the press, "Our fearless leader reported considerable wood after the exciting news." He went on to call this a "half mast event" not seen since the Republican’s full-blown attack on Planned Parenthood funds.

Ron Paul later confirmed initial reports, "A partial erection at my age represents a significant amount of blood flow to my penis."

His son, Senator Rand Paul, is concerned, "If they cut all aid to other foreign countries and then send our troops home, they might have to rush my dad to the hospital again."

Were that to occur, Mr. Paul agreed the Washington Monument would have some competition, and he vowed, "If I do get a full erection, I will personally screw the Federal Reserve into the dirt."

Paul is denying rumors his slogan has been changed to "I might have lost the election, but not my—."

"Hardly," said Paul.

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Bush Celebrates Memorial Day by Skipping Out on Tab
Bush Celebrates Memorial Day by Skipping Out on Tab

Amarillo, TX—When the tab for his party arrived, George W. Bush was already heading for the door. What could be a more poignant way to celebrate Memorial Day, he thought, than to skip out on the tab? Our former President and his guests rushed out of Amarillo’s premiere meatery, the Big Texan Steak Ranch, leaving a nearly $200 tab unpaid.

Our former President later told reporters, "For me Memorial Day is a special kind of day when we celebrate those special kind of voters who got me re-elected. And leaving without paying was a fitting gesture."

When asked why, Bush said, "Look, Memorial Day is about celebrating the past. If you’ll remember, I didn’t really pay for anything during my presidency either, social programs, wars, hookers, nothing. This was a special day of remembrance...and I remember not paying for anything."

When asked if this is in honor of missing most of his National Guard duty during the Vietnam War, Bush smiled, "I wouldn’t say I missed it, heh heh heh."

Dan Rather was unavailable for comment.

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David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
By Mick Zano
David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Always on the job, I attended the David Sedaris show on Friday April 27th over at glamorous NAU. Sedaris is supposed to be an autograph-friendly-legend (AFL), but one person was clearly gypped. You might be wondering who? I was supposed to ask him some questions that I scribbled down on the ride over. The plan was to ask him as many of these questions as possible until his bodyguards dragged me or him away. Then I would categorize our brief, yet turbulent encounter as "an interview"...you know, the usual.

Man Who Lost Everything on Facebook Investment Vents on Twitter
Dave Blotchenski

Indianapolis, IN—E*Trader and yuppie wannabe, Dave Blotchenski, lost most of his retirement money this week after investing in the ill fated Facebook wave.

"I just thought, hell, I’m on Facebook all the flippin’ time, so is everyone else," said Blotchenski. "Besides, Facebook promised to create thousands of new millionaires, and guess who was the first of my friends to like? Isn’t that worth something anymore? Now every time I see that little E*Trade baby I want to kick him in his pre-toddler face."

Upon news of the massive dip in the company’s stock, Blotchenski tweeted, "Help! I lost it Al! I have officially bought the FarmVille!"

He meant to type, "I lost it all" but later blamed the typo on a combination of insomnia and household inhalants.

His pleas did not fall on deaf ears as several Facebookers came to the rescue by leaving important comments like, "Did you see the Ranger/Devils game last night?" and "You lost it Al? Who’s Al? LOL" and "You said you’d help me acquire a FarmVille tractor, bitch?!" Four others inexplicably liked his comment.

Mr. Blotchenski admitted after stocks fell to 38 dollars a share, he considered virtual suicide. "I just wanted to unplug everything, all of it, and maybe go outside."

To the horror of his family, who were completely engrossed in X-Box 360 at the time, Mr. Blotchenski was last seen heading to a park with a baseball bat and a mitt. Having no idea where the neighborhood park is exactly, his family has been asking if any members of his social sites have seen him.

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2012: A Space Case Odyssey
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Not sure if the Mayan Gods are returning any time soon, but I do know neither of our presidential contenders can save America in its current form. What’s the current form, you ask? One hint, Forrest Gump stepped in a pile right outside of this very Flagstaff coffee shop where I’m writing this tripe. That’s deep, Mick, real deep. Yeah, well not as deep as the pile this country stepped in..."It happens."

Seattle Five-O: Post ‘em, Zano
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Mr. Zano, I realize you, just like all politicians, cater to your base. I understand that and almost always fully support it. The problem arises when ‘your base’ refers to six or seven deeply depressed individuals in the rainiest, coldest, wettest, most depressed, most northeast corner of the United States. I also realize one more thing. You do, well, suck.

Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?
Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?

Vatican City—Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City is "outraged by the audacity of the Pope and his minions." Initially, the Commissioner was not surprised Batman ignored their city’s cries for help. "We just thought he fell off the Batwagon again," said Gordon. "He self medicates, you know. The dude has issues. But now we find out he’s responding to problems all the way in Italy?"

The Pope is denying a series of clandestine meetings occurred between his Holiness and the caped crusader. Vatican officials are also denying rumors the Pope had a Bat Phone installed in his chambers. The Vatican released a statement earlier today, calling the rumors "Bat shit crazy" and "His Holiness doesn’t even own a cell phone, let alone a Bat Phone."

An unnamed whistle-blowing Cardinal told reporters, the Pope believes, "We need to restore the Knights Templar. And who better than the Dark Knight himself to lead our new crusades into the 21st Century?"

"Batman is a vigilante," said the Pope. "His methods are dubious. We need a beacon of light, not an archetype of darkness."

When asked about the giant bat signal seen over the Tower of Passetto, the Pope said, "It’s a grail shaped beacon...like in that Monty Python movie. Jesus Christ, would you people drop this shit already?"

The Passetto acts as a secret passage from Italy into the Vatican—the perfect meeting place for the Pope and Batman to hatch their evil plots. If the Vatican is resurrecting the Knights Templar, perhaps they are enlisting the aid of all of our fictional superheroes. If the Pope recruited Aquaman, for instance, he would have armies of undersea creatures at his command! And who’s to say Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t parked outside the Passetto, right now?

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Sarkozy Bitten by Werewolf!
Sarkozy Bitten by Werewolf! Hopes to court the Vampire Diaries, Being Human, and Twilight votes.
Hopes to court the Vampire Diaries, Being Human, and Twilight votes.
 
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Onward Christian Actors
By The Librarian
The Librarian

Nothing makes me more nauseous than candidates wrapped in a flag, clutching and thumping Bibles, while pontificating on "Christian Values." Yeah, I’m talking about the current front-running Republican candidates, who fixated on inflicting their religious doctrine on every citizen in the country. Values can have any number of prefixes which are meaningless. Values are just that – values. Now, if you want valueless, just become a daily Daily Discord reader.

Discord Dissident Disses the Debt Deal Debacle
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let’s be clear here, this is a non rebuttal rebuttal (NRR), Mr. Crank. Keeping my mouth shut is not always easy, as my librarian can attest, but I will try to keep the rebut-thing to a minimum. This post will cover our continued budget woes, what the Florida shooting says about society, and the Discord’s failed attempt at being a uniter. Who’d have thought a site called The Daily Discord would fail to bring people together? Shocking.

Dick Cheney "Doing Great" after Heart Transplant
Dick Cheney "Doing Great" after Heart Transplant, although his breath is magnified and a little raspy
Although his breath is magnified and a little raspy
 
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What did you expect? Welcome, Sonny? Thanks for nabbing Bin Laden? Thanks for avoiding a depression?
What did you expect? Welcome, Sonny? Thanks for nabbing Bin Laden? Thanks for avoiding a depression?
 
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Mysterious Phoenix Explosion Explained
Mysterious Phoenix Explosion Explained

Phoenix, AZ—On the evening of March 9th a strange explosion in the Northwest Valley was captured by Fox News 10. The power company immediately denied any transformer blow outs and the large, unexplained flash of light remained a mystery, until now.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio finally made a statement to the press yesterday, explaining the mysterious flash. The Sheriff admitted he and his department used a bazooka to eliminate a flagrant j-walking menace from nearby Mesa. Parts of the j-walker later arrived at Scottsdale Medical Center, while other parts arrived at Arizona Regional in Mesa.

"We only recovered 60% of the ‘alleged’ offender," said Arpaio, "but I can tell you one thing, that bastard will not be blatantly ignoring crosswalks again in my town."

Sherriff Arpaio came under considerable scrutiny last year for using a SWAT team and a tank to break up a cock fighting ring that turned out to be a pacifist farmer who just loves his cock.

Rooster spokesperson, Foghorn Leghorn, had this to say, "I say, I say, this man’s a bleeping menace. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet javelinas."

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Springfield Elects Mayor for 17th Term
Springfield Elects Mayor for 17th Term

Springfield, ??—Joseph "Putin" Quimby won Re-election today in a landslide victory over his opponent, Grounds Keeper Willy. Pundits believe that Super PAC funds from an unnamed nuclear power plant owner, and rampant voter intimidation sealed the deal for the incumbent.

Even Quimby’s harshest critics did not deny how animated he’s been throughout this campaign. Quimby, affectionately known to locals as Joe the Mayor, ran on a record of creating the 6-1/2 day work week, the squelching of all local unions, and the complete gutting of regulations at Springfield’s nuclear power plant.

Quimby told reporters, "Aside from their close proximity, there is no proven connection between the power plant and the three-eyed fish." The Mayor also claimed the many glowing objects in the surrounding area "actually help people see at night and increases tourism."

During the course of the race Quimby’s team, the committee to Re-elect the mayor, or CREEM, further developed that argument, eventually using the issue as a standing talking-point. They claimed it demonstrated the opponent party’s "well-known callous disregard for human life, [as the] Liberals once again put their love for enviro-fascism ahead of the welfare and safety of Mr. Burns…er, the American people."

The Mayor’s oft invoked slogan, "You Don’t Eat the Fish’s Eyes Anyway" was met with wild cheers from his supporters.

Quimby refused to comment on his competition’s not-so-gracious consolation speech where several people were injured as Willy drove a tractor over supporters and critics alike, pumping his fists and shouting things decidedly Scottish.

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Man Admits He's Not a Huge Paul Fan
Man Admits He's Not a Huge Paul Fan, "I just can't beat this damn OCD."
"I just can't beat this damn OCD."
 
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GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!
By The Crank
GOP: You’re Squandering an Opportunity More Golden than Trump Friggin’ Towers!

Yeah, that’s right, The Crank is finally calling out the right wing. Why don’t you just put the f*&^ing election into a pretty foil box with a bow and hand it to Obama and say, "Sorry we bothered." Or put on the cake, Enjoy Four More Years, oh Anointed One.

Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.

Obama Threatens to Drop the F-Bomb on Iran
Obama Threatens to Drop the F-Bomb on Iran

Washington, DC - Iran has failed to meet their deadline to disarm, so President Obama warned how, in the near future, colorful metaphors are likely to descend on the defiant country.  Obama has assailed Iran with an increasingly terse tone—a tone that could escalate to swearing.

When asked if the Obama Administration is prepared to use any of George Carlin’s ‘seven words you can not say on television,’ Obama replied, "No options are off the table at this time."

If Iran continues to thumb their nose at the global community, Obama threatened an "egregious bout of profanity not seen since the Discord’s last Crank feature." 

Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta, stated the dropping of the F-bomb itself is not a matter of if, but when.

"Plans to do anything meaningful to suspend Iran’s nuclear pursuits have been suspended until operation Mock and Caw takes full effect," said Panetta.  "We’re even thinking of an outright regime change, so…like, instead of referring to the Iranian regime as the ‘Iranian regime’, we’re going to call it the ‘Iranian leadership’.  See?  We changed the regime with no loss of life."

"As for the old carrot and the stick analogy," said Obama,  "we have used the carrot, so now the time has come to use the smaller, less enticing carrot, and, of course, an egregious bout of profanity."

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You Show Me Your Birth Certificate If You Want to See Mine
By The Librarian
The Librarian

When is the stupidity ever going to end? No, not the Daily Discord; they just renewed their hosting. I just can’t understand why anyone would continue to support the ignorance of way too many members of the Republican Party! I know that democracy is composed of many differing factions. I believed that responsible people could disagree on issues and resolve them. Oops, I said responsible people. Can you edit that part out?

Gomez-Fester 2012
Gomez-Fester 2012, A dead chicken on every door!
A dead chicken on every door!
 
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Did Romney Pander to Vegas Voters?
Did Romney Pander to Vegas Voters? And was ziplining Fremont St. painted like the Blue Man Group too much?
And was ziplining Fremont St. painted like the Blue Man Group too much?
 
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Punxsutawney Pete Predicts Six-More-Weeks of Slow Economic Growth
Punxsutawney Pete Predicts Six-More-Weeks of Slow Economic Growth

Punxsutawney, PA—Those who remain in Punxsutawney after Groundhog Day are now treated to a little talked about event. Punxsutawney Pete, the famous Pennsylvanian opossum prognosticator, predicted Six-more-weeks of slow economic growth and implied Obama’s policies are to blame.

The town of Punxsutawney has seen a steady decline in interest in Groundhog Day over the years. The town responded by adding this opossumy pundit to their busy groundhogian mix.

For the last three years, Pete has emerged from his hole and offered several predictions regarding our state of the union. Thus far he’s accurately foreseen the onset of the mortgage crisis, the end to the Iraq War, and the crushing defeat of Sanjaya on American Idol.

"We needed to keep the tourists around another night," said Mayor Yokel. "We tried blocking the road out of town with a mock accident, but you can only get away with that shit so many times."

The Mayor came under considerable scrutiny for the rumor that swarms of radioactively enlarged insects had surrounded the town in February of 2007.

"Even the Easter Bunny thinks Phil is a bad opening act," said Yokel. The Mayor blames the slump in tourism on two major factors: "It’s so rare the little bastard sees an early spring in our future and, second, that damnable movie Groundhog Day! Folks are scared would-be-attendees might become trapped in a temporal loop and never leave this piss ant little town again. If Bill Murray was here right now I’d punch him in his raccoon face."

Punxsutcoony Paul was unavailable for comment.

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Ham Slam: Miss Piggy’s Fox News Roast
Ham Slam: Miss Piggy’s Fox News Roast

London, GB—Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy attended last week’s London premiere of The Muppets. During the event, British reporters asked the pair what they thought about the growing tension between Fox News and the popular Hensonites. The cable news giant is also particularly angry at the Muppet, Animal, for urinating on Roger Ailes at the Propaganda for Dummies Symposium in San Diego last month.

When specifically questioned about Fox’s assertion the movie has a liberal agenda, Kermit said, "If we have a problem with oil companies, why would we have spent the entire film driving around a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce?"

Miss Piggy then chimed in, "It's almost as laughable as accusing Fox News of, you know, being news."

The Daily Discord later asked if the couple wished to retract their statements. "Certainly not," said Kermit, "and I can tell you another thing: with Fox News around it aint easy being green."

Miss Piggy stated she was more concerned about conservative’s recent racist attacks against Muppets in general, and added, "I know the women of Fox News are attractive, but to me it’s all just lipstick on a pig."

She then asked to have her statement retracted, which we will now do:

Please do not read that last statement from Miss Piggy.

See Fox? That’s how you do a retraction. You should try it.

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Freudian Slippery? Gingrich Shakes Baby’s Hand and Kisses Mother
Freudian Slippery? Gingrich Shakes Baby’s Hand and Kisses Mother

Lake County, FL—GOP nomination hopeful, Newt Gingrich "mistakenly" shook 11-month-old Jacob Horowitz’s hand and then proceeded to kiss Rebecca Horowitz, the infant’s mother, on the lips. This occurred on the campaign trail earlier today at a diner described by locals as "an area favorite". One witness said the kiss was "not nearly as disturbing as what he did with his hands."

The former Speaker immediately responded by saying his actions were intentional. "Look, the woman was very attractive and the baby had a pungent feces smell to it. What would anyone have done given those circumstances? I am frankly appalled that women everywhere go through such lengths to help Barack Obama by further reporting my unwanted advances to the media."

Gingrich is also denying slipping the woman the tongue. "It's preposterous. The destructive, vicious, unaccommodating nature of females is making it increasingly harder to govern this country. Many important legislators remain completely preoccupied by frigid Floridians like Mrs. what's-her-name. Furthermore, I can assure you I do not smoke cigars that way. I also know the definition of what the word ‘is’ is and I have more lawyers than that ungrateful bitch has diapers."

When questioned further about the misstep, Gingrich said, "I have no doubt that my esteemed colleague Ron Paul would have liberated the baby from the diaper on the spot. And Romney would have kissed the baby’s ass, regardless, because he panders to any poop anywhere, and with current polling data from Florida no one even cares what Zeppo would have done."

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Megyn Kelly vs Andrew Sullivan: Reality vs the Neococoon
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post isn’t actually for reading purposes; it’s just my version of blogular therapy. I’ve tried to make a few points in a few posts over a few pints, but reality is a tough nut to crack when you’re dealing with…er, nuts. The truth has little meaning in today’s discourse (or, Discord…). Modern conservatism, in particular, has its own truth, its own facts, and its own version of history. They’re no longer interested in debating events occurring in this dimensional plane of existence, unless it involves Snooki’s antics.

Obama to Increase Deficit in New 'Fun Size' Increments
Obama to Increase Deficit in New 'Fun Size' Increments

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

"We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt," said Obama. "And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment."

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, "We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars."

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, "Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion."

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. "I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad," said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

"...the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle," as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. "If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…"

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, "We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!"

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Yes We Have No Bananas...
Yes We Have No Bananas...Sure we do.
Sure we do.
 
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2012: The Choice between Smart Unconstitutional Power, or Incompetent Unconstitutional Power
2012: The Choice between Smart Unconstitutional Power, or Incompetent Unconstitutional Power
 
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Stick to Writing Jokes, Mikko: The Zano Rebuttal Rides Again
By The Crank
The Crank

First, let me be the first to congratulate you on the crying Korean-slash-Bachmann joke. Well done, sir. Second, I know Darth Winslow warned me about political commentary—just like the Politicos, he has to pander to his base (all six of them). Yeah, I know, "they are six really smart people!" I’m sorry, dear Winnie, like the spider who kills the goose he’s riding across the river on and drowns, it’s wut ah do.

The Taliban, the Hawks and the Biden "Gaffe"
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The plan in Afghanistan, even under General Stanley McChrystal, was to reach out to the moderate brand of the Taliban and bring them back to the table. This has been the "the plan" since, umm, ever. So, we finally start to implement the thing and everyone goes ape shit? Attacking moderate and radical Muslims alike, as they represent approximately a third of the planet, is madness...or, as I like to call it, modern conservatism. This route will surely find us all committed to a Santorium somewhere. Sorry, Rick. Your turn.

Actually, This is When the North Koreans Started Crying
Actually, This is when the North Koreans Started Crying
 
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Where is the Supercommittee Now?
Where is the Supercommittee Now? Who the hell cares?
Who the hell cares?
 
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Georgia Woman Claims, "Despite My Advances, Cain Was Never Inappropriate"
Georgia Woman Claims, "Despite My Advances, Cain Was Never Inappropriate"
 
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Save Some Real Money Supercomittee, Weed the People!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of 'lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.

Gingrich Surge Fueled by Angry NBA Fans
Gingrich Surge Fueled by Angry NBA Fans

Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.

"The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system."

"I don’t know what to do with myself," said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. "I don't care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy."

The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking...with their mouths...to reporters and other journalist types.

"What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent," said Gingrich. "And I live for that shit."

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Christmas Elves Forcibly Remove Occupy North Polers
Christmas Elves Forcibly Remove Occupy North Polers

North Pole—Elves and occupiers clashed outside of that jolly old "one percenter's" workshop this week. The incident ended in 27 arrests and at least a dozen injuries. Santa Claus is denying the authorization to use force. Many are claiming St. Nick ordered his toy making elves to forcibly remove the dozens of protestors by force from his frosty front lawn yesterday.

"It’s a load of Yule time shit," said Santa. "They were doing things to the Christmas trees and defecating in my ornate sleighs. They were provoking the elves, they were provoking me! They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits."

Fox News "journalists" believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas.

"They’re ramping up their efforts to destroy America, destroy tradition, destroy God!" said Bill O’Rielly. "I don’t really believe that, but I got paid more to say that sentence than you make in a year, losers."

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Entitled Occupiers, Sociopaths, and those "Free Market" Slaves
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Most Americans fit into one of the three categories above, all nice and tidy like, which I will ridicule each of you for soon enough. First, how do we galvanize this Occupy Movement into something meaningful and lasting, like the second season of Jersey Shore?

Obama Expected to Give Up During Next Scheduled Press Conference
Obama Expected to Give Up During Next Scheduled Press Conference

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama plans to level with the American people by admitting the economy is irreparably damaged. He will be turning his presidency over to Joe Biden, just as soon as our VP’s foot can be surgically removed from his mouth.

"I really screwed the political pooch on the domestic front," said Obama, after he claimed to have even tried hiring a disreputable debt consolidation firm to help with the deficit. "But even cash advance places are turning us down," said Obama. "We almost had a part time job doing some light dusting for Germany, but, as it turns out, we’re illegals there."

When asked about jobs created by the Stimulus Program, Obama said, "I did ask the Count von Count from Sesame Street to tally those job creation numbers, so the totals may have been Muppetplied a bit. Regardless, this jobless, hopelessly-broken-economy shit is really starting to negatively impact my golf game. Hope has left the building and, should Obamacare fail, I’m planning on giving Obama Daddy Daycare a whirl. It worked for Eddie Murphy."

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Oklahoma Earthquake: Millions of Kernels Still Trapped under Downed Cornstalks!
Oklahoma Earthquake: Millions of Kernels Still Trapped under Downed Cornstalks!

Oklahoma City, OK—Authorities fear the 5.6 magnitude earthquake that rocked Oklahoma this week has yet to claim all of its victims. Time is running out for an estimated 17-million corn kernels still buried under an area of fallen corn stalks rescue workers estimate to be "the size of Corn-necticut."

Many believe we are facing a "creamed corn scenario of unprecedented proportions."

Oklahoma City officials are thankful their state is flat or the resulting pyroclastic flows of high fructose corn lava could have consumed entire towns.

"But luckily we don’t have many of those either," said Mayor Cobb Huskins. "But make no mistake, we’ve been cornholed for sure."

Some locals are taking advantage of the quake through looting, "It’s a cornucopia out there," said one stalker. "The real thing is just so much better than internet corn."

The Green Giant and Little Sprout were unavailable for comment.

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Cain-Burns 2012
Cain-Burns 2012, You're all worthless and weak!
You're all worthless and weak!
 
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If America Promises to Disband Capitalism will you all take a Shower?
If America Promises to Disband Capitalism will you all take a Shower?

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, barely escaped the Occupy Flagstaff rally on Saturday after several of her incendiary remarks left protestors angered. Having camped out at the Flagstaff City Council Building all afternoon, the protestors grew increasingly hostile and malodorous.

"Do you smell Patchouli? God, I hope that’s Patchouli," said McGrath through watery eyes and held nose. "The stench of these anti-political Patchouli-smelling peeps makes me want to puke…and the event only started a couple of hours ago."

McGrath waded into the unwashed masses and interviewed a man named Chris and his friend, V (the real V from Vendetta, not one of his helpers). Neither of them could agree on much, but they’re both furious with the man, whoever he is.

Protestors had a lot to say on the topic of reforming capitalism; their answers ranged from "scrap it" all the way to "what was Bret Michaels thinking by picking that last skanky ho-bag?"

Not a single protestor acknowledged the existence of the Daily Discord’s Occupy Wal*Mart movement. The Discord staff maintains this Occupy group pales in comparison to the Discord’s own universal galactic hostile takeover of Wal*Mart.

Normally the water canon is used to disperse angry mobs, but in this case Flagstaff officials used a lethal combination of ammonia and bleach to both kill and disinfect the crowd.

Finally, after several showers and an hour in her own personal fumigation chamber, McGrath added, "We don’t know why they came, we don’t know when they will leave, but I do know one thing: there’s not enough Febreze in northern Arizona to make this situation right."

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Tea Party Chooses Hypocrisy over Religiosity
By The Librarian
The Librarian

The most valuable thing I received from my family of origin was a graduate practicum in hypocrisy before I completed elementary school. Dad believed he was God, and Mom supported his delusion as long as he was always there to pull out her chair and open the car door for her. They intensely disliked the outcome of their tutelage as I developed of my greatest talent, the ability to see through subterfuge to hypocrisy. I have been amused by it ever since.

Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours
Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours

Cottonwood, AZ—Upon discovering the sheer lack of Walmarts in Sedona, the Discord’s Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath drove the extra 35 miles to Cottonwood during their unprecedented attack on "the man" Sunday. The two lacktivists planned to stake out the snack bar area, until they were hit with their second setback—the sheer lack of snack bars in the Cottonwood Walmart.

"We’d like to apologize to all the people who went to Sedona Sunday looking for the nonexistent snack bar in the nonexistent Walmart," said Mick Zano. "Who knew Sedona was completely devoid of marts, K, Wal, or otherwise? It was an honest mistake made by honest reporters."

"He’s lying," said Discord reporter Cokie McGrath. "In retrospect, I don’t recommend spending this much time with Zano when he’s not drinking, but I did manage to keep him from defecating on a plastic police car in the toy aisle."

The pair succeeded in bringing business at the bustling Super Center to a screeching halt for a nearly six hour period...or at least business near and around this bench.

McGrath believes this event is only the beginning. "We could have carried on for another two or three more hours, but the bench area actually has different hours than the rest of the store, or at least that’s what they told us during our ejection."

"If this protest continues to double every day, eventually there will be more protestors than people on the planet. That’s a statistical fact," said Zano, who believes the protest could have been an even more effective demonstration, "If I didn’t always spend my weekends hanging around this same bench for long periods of time."

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The Shit Heard Round the World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Another faction finally emerges, Occupy Wall Street. A rocky start, fer sure, and I condemn their recent attack on the E*Trade baby. But how does one bridge the gap between the Tea Party and this new group? We need a revolution that resonates with more, not less people. Thus far one group seems to be railing against Wall Street and the disparity of wealth, while the other attacks taxation and a growing government. One demands entitlements and the other wants to put an end to them. What’s the answer?  The Transcosmetic Party, that’s what.

Palin Not Running: Prefers to be "an Outsider"
Palin Not Running: Prefers to be "an Outsider", Also considering becoming a Warrior or a Sweathog
Also considering becoming a Warrior or a Sweathog
 
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Are Christie and Huntsman Too Smart for the GOP?
Are Christie and Huntsman too Smart for the GOP? Will an IQ over 100 and a tenuous grip on reality disqualify them?
Will an IQ over 100 and a tenuous grip on reality disqualify them?
 
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Chris Christie’s Speech: Revisionist History or Just Plain Bullshit?  You Decide
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I like Chris Christie, at least comparatively.  Unlike his colleagues, this man often refuses to drink from the Cup of Stupid. But in order to win the nomination these days, one must resonate with the asses.  It’s always interesting to see which angle they attempt, bullshit or revisionist history. For this stump speech Christie managed a nice combination of both.  His speech was ultimately a scathing attack on his own party.

Mothman Found Dead!
Mothman Found Dead!

Point Pleasant, WV—The creature that terrorized a small West Virginia town in the late sixties was pronounced dead this morning by local entomologists.  Apparently, this legendary winged monster finally met its match after flying repeatedly into a porch light in front a residence on Jones Street.  Authorities say Mothman did not die on that porch, but managed to flap over to his west side apartment, where he posted his farewells on Facebook and Twitter.


Mman7
Mman7 Moth Man
I’m like, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH!! BWTF!!!
6 seconds ago

Mothman’s last Facebook session involved ‘unfriending’ Bigfoot and then telling his Facebook fans, "I only regret not being able to scare the shit out of and/or maul the lot of you!" 

He also blamed the lack of recent Mothman sightings on misidentifications.

"People always think I’m the Jersey Devil, or Batman, or something.  ‘Hey look, Batman.’  Hell-oo!  This isn’t Jersey and it certainly aint Gotham-friggin’-City, lady!  I’m a moth!  I’ve even tried stalking that Monster Quest team for months, but those morons couldn’t even find a Megaladon if it swam up and bit em’ on the ass."

Mothra and the surviving members of the band, Iron Butterfly, attended the funeral, but left shortly after the Lochness Monster arrived, quite intoxicated.

"It kept saying the same joke all night," said Mothra.  "Take my wife, plesiosaur.  What does that even mean?"

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Merkel Agrees to EU Bailouts Only if Greece Submits to a Drug Test
Merkel Agrees to EU Bailouts Only if Greece Submits to a Drug Test

Berlin, DE—The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has decided to pull out her oversized purse one more time to save Europe.  However, she did warn European leaders today there will be stipulations.  First, she is insisting the country of Greece undergo a drug test within 24 hours.  If any illicit substances show up in the country’s system, she will not help until it "seeks professional help."

Merkel is also insisting Portugal "pull in their nets and open a proper factory already."

Merkel reminded Portugal that it’s 2011, not 1011.  She then encouraged the country to "Febreze itself immediately and put on a tie."

Merkel also reports a growing resentment toward the Brits. "Even if they were to join the EU tomorrow, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help them.  Not until England successfully completes an anger management program, facilitated by a licensed professional."

She then called them schwankers and made an obscene gesture known only to German Chancellors.   

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Live-Blogging the Republican Debate on Opiates
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

After watching the show Monday night, I have to admit to being wrong.  These candidates are really shaping up to be a prepared, well-informed group of individuals.  Oh, you mean the Republican candidates…I was talking about American Idol.  Sorry.  I only wish Trump and Palin were there to share in the Thorazine love.  Speaking of Thorazine, why isn’t Glenn Beck running?  I think if those three came on board, you’d have a nice representative slice of Americana…the criminally deranged slice.

Cheney Reveals his Post 9/11 Undisclosed Location in New Book
Cheney Reveals his Post 9/11 Undisclosed Location in New Book
 
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Bachmann Lured through Hellish Nether Portal
Bachmann Lured through Hellish Nether Portal

Waterloo, IA—Using the Neconicon, an ancient conservative grimorie, four brave progressives coaxed Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, back into the hellish alternate Universe from whence she came. 

"It’s truly over," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna.   "One of the key demonic forces in politics is gone forever."

Eyewitnesses claim Bachmann was lured to a pre-designated location by setting up a mock LBGTQ Facebook Meetup group in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. 

"With the elections closing in, Iowa was the obvious choice," said the lead political exorcist, a man who wishes to remain anonymous.  "Her hometown made it perfect.  We picked a remote location on the outskirts of town, announced it on Facebook, and prepared the area using passages from the Neoconicon.  Flamboyant decoys were then placed around a table located directly over the portal."

After she took the bait, no injuries were reported.  However, a pink Versace shirt and several matching accessories were irreparably damaged.  The Elton John impersonator also reports suffering an "awful fright."

The unnamed spokesperson denies Sarah Palin will be a target of any future black magic ops, "No, no, Bachmann was the only genuine succubus in politics, Palin is more of a Foxgoblin."  

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You Say You Want a Revolution?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one.  It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, "Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work."

Right-Wing Blow-Hards Lead the Charge
Right-Wing Blow-Hards Lead the Charge
It's all about our Christian values...
 
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Cthulhu Officially Endorses Palin
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

On August 8th, the undulating Cthulhu endorsed Sarah Palin for President of the United States. This Outer God is often described as ...an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature and is regarded by H.P. Lovecraft as "a pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings." And that’s just Palin.

How about all that raise the debt ceiling hype? You want to raise the dead on bowling night? We bowl?
 
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Man Filling Void left by Glenn Beck with Cannibalism
Man Filling Void left by Glenn Beck with Cannibalism

Oklahoma City, OK—One man is refusing to let fear and paranoia slip out of his life.

When Glenn Beck announced his last show on Fox News, James Stiles said, "I’m going to eat people."

As a result of his new hobby, Mr. Stiles now spends his days in constant fear of that dreaded "cop" knock at the door.  He spends his evenings madly scribbling his conspiracy theories on an old chalkboard in his basement.   During the interview the board read:  

9/11 = 20 = 20/20 (liberal propaganda)
= ½ of Beck’s 40 Days/40 Nights Challenge
= Obama & Arianna Huffington’s lovechild is the anti-Christ!!

"I’m not just going to let all of that angst slip away," said Stiles.  "Glenn created an elevated level of adrenaline in the systems of real Americans for some purpose, so maintaining that baseline level of misguided hyper-vigilance is crucial to our cause." 

When it was pointed out how adrenaline negatively impacts higher functioning in the brain, Stiles randomly recited Drudge headlines, while sharpening a butcher knife.  Mr. Stiles believes cannibalism is keeping him scared shitless, and it also cuts down on his grocery bills.  He reports eating only liberals and progressives and babies, but one day he hopes to devour George Soros’ liver with some farva beans and a dry Chianti.

"I’m doing this for real America and I’m doing this for Glenn.  I know he, of all people, would understand," said Stiles.

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Clemency for Clemens?  Why Lying to a Politician Should Not Only Be Legal But Encouraged
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight, Roger Clemens was doping, but his only actual charge was lying under oath to Congress.  Umm, lying to Congress?  Isn’t that kind of like using magic against Voldemort?  I mean, Congress lies constantly.  This is the only language they understand.  If his deceit is proven in a court of law, maybe Clemens should be forced to represent Texas in the House of Representatives for a two-year term.  Call it perjury duty. 

Life Impaired Protest Ends In Violence
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Last night, the undead rallied in front of the White House in a bid for unliving free of persecution, prejudice, and violence. The walking dead, many carrying signs smeared with blood and gore, were unable to comment.

The Crank Redeemed!  Everything in my Last Post was Liberal Propaganda
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Once again, the Crank has reduced all eternal truths into someone else’s stock options. So everything is wrong in my last post, eh? Let’s assume he’s right for a moment, ha ha ha hahahaa.  Sorry, that was funny.  Mr. Crank, you have a singular ability to misrepresent all of my positions and points.  Some would call that consistency; I call it something else.

Scientists Lied, Camels Died
By The Crank
The Crank

Ok Mikkey, here is another one of those generalities you hate so much. All your statements on "climate change" "global farting" "death warmed over" or whatever you choose, are wrong. All of them (Geeh, I so love doing that).

GOP Claims Gingrich’s Mouth Nearly Contained at this Time
GOP Claims Gingrich’s Mouth Nearly Contained at this Time

Clear Lake, IA—Newt Gingrich, the out of control right wing mouth piece, is still burning today, but pundits claim the buffoon is nearly 70% contained at this hour.   For many tense weeks, it looked as if Gingrich would incinerate huge swaths of America.  Last month, he completely burned the Ryan Plan forcing Republicans to work around the clock to extinguish sections of the ignited document.  In Dallas, after several aides resigned from his campaign, an attempt was made to drive Gingrich east into Lake Ray Hubbard.  Unfortunately, he was able to jump a firebreak and escape. 

"We now have him surrounded in Iowa," announced House Speaker John Boehner. "We were concerned he would keep talking, but now his fiery often contradictory rhetoric is finally smoldering."

When asked if high political winds could rekindle Gingrich’s campaign, Boehner said, "Not likely.  No one is going to fan those flames."

Just to be on the safe side, Iowa’s Governor, Terry Branstad, is urging residents to keep all accelerants and all microphones away from the former Speaker.

"Gingrich is currently holed up over in Clear Lake," said Branstad, "where no media is getting in or out.  Unfortunately, he does have access to his social sites, so be the first of your friends to Not Like."

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Happy Crankipendence Day: for those who Give a Shit
By The Crank
The Crank

Spiro T. Agnew was right thirty some odd years ago.  He called it how he saw it. The "Press" and its Liberal/Progressive lemmings are exactly what he said they were, "Effete intellectual snobs."  He got his ass handed to him in a mayonnaise jar for that—only he was right on the money.

Obama, "Our Borders are Secure!"
Obama, "Our Borders are Secure!" Now he's working on Barnes & Noble
Now he's working on Barnes & Noble
 
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Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other "points."  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Government Contracts with Tornado Hunters
Government Contracts with Tornado Hunters

Tulsa, OK—A team of mercenaries, calling themselves V.O.R.T.E.X, is working closely with Homeland Security to combat a rash of severe weather that has been plaguing parts of the U.S. in recent months.

The group is currently staked out near Tulsa Oklahoma in a makeshift trailer park designed to lure in some of these sinister super cells. When asked what VORTEX stands for, VORTEX President, Tim Yotes, replied, "We haven’t thought of the entire acronym yet, but the T stands for tornado."

The Obama Administration claims to have hired VORTEX to fight the perception that Obama is soft on weather.

"Last time the twisters struck, I was in London," said Obama.  "I got caught with my britches down, so to speak.  Now we’re sending a strong message, FU to all those F2s."

When asked about the logic of using guns to capture or kill tornadoes, Obama said, "This group does this sort of thing all the time.  Let’s leave the tactics to the professionals."

Obama is not currently endorsing VORTEX’s second strategy, which involves a giant field version of naked twister.

"I don’t follow that one," said Obama, but he later admitted that "no options are off the table."  

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Palin Leaves Children, Dog Outside of Bar for Two Hours with Tour Bus Running
Palin Leaves Children, Dog Outside of Bar for Two Hours with Tour Bus Running

Fort Wayne, IN—Sarah Palin is in custody tonight after allegedly leaving her One Nation tour bus running outside of an Indiana bar, The Brass Rail, yesterday afternoon.  Her three youngest children and several pets were left in the parked bus in near 90° heat for a two hour period.  Palin repudiates claims the time coincided with the bar’s happy hour.

"Nonsense, the first few rounds were full price," said Palin.  "There was nothing happy about it."

The Palin’s were seen entering the Rail at 4:00 PM and police arrived just before 6:00 PM after several bar regulars reported, "There’s a big F’n bus blocking me from my F’n beer."

Police apprehended Sarah and Todd after they returned to the bus to do shots with all of the establishment’s pool and dart league members.

"American shots," said Palin, "distilled in American breweries!"

Distillery Clinton was unavailable for comment.

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2012 Palin Presidency Prophecy!
2012 Palin Presidency Prophecy! MSNBC During the Inauguration
MSNBC During the Inauguration
 
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I’m Running for President!
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee.  Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring.  My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.

Dateline: Saturday May 21st 6:00PM: World Ends
By The Crank
The Crank

Oh how I do wish it had come true. After much deep contemplation I have come to this realization—a realization aided by many pulled pork samichiz, Twinkies and Cokes. It is hard work, but someone other than Mikko has to do it. He cannot be trusted. I used to think that people whose opinions differed from mine were smart, caring people whose opinions just differed from mine. Then I started reading Mick Zano columns.

The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I hate economics.  If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are...  The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway.  I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.

Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences
Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences

Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, "Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay."  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

"This is not a joking matter," said Debra Horner. "My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter."

Most stories didn’t have such a "happy ending." Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

"He either died very happy or in sheer terror," said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. "I’m sure it’s one of the two."

"Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before," said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, "or this would have been much, much worse."

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Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon
Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon

Abbottabad, PK—In conjunction with Pakistani authorities, the U.S. Government has now released the details of the final hours of Osama Bin Laden’s life.   The Al-Qaeda leader, loving father and husband, spent his last 36 hours on this planet watching a Baywatch marathon on Pakistan’s popular Channel Two. 

Reports from Navy SEAL commandos are conflicting, however, bringing further shame to the Obama Administration.   One commando reports Bin Laden was watching episode 52, Princess of Tides, while a second thought it was the popular season five finale, Wet n’ Wild.

One SEAL was only able to report, "He was watching a TV show, somethin’ about lifeguards or somethin’."

That commando has since been relieved of his duties. 

Local Pakistanis report strange activities at the compound, which usually heightened to a fevered pitch around 8:00 PM Abbottabad time, precisely when Baywatch airs.

"He loved Baywatch and he loved David Hasselhoff most of all," said wife number four.  "But not in a gay kind of way."

Trapped in a compound with only six channels was not always easy for the Bin Ladens.  Osama felt Baywatch episodes were a little respite from all the death in his life.  After planning some sinister jihadist suicide bombing, or a terror plot against the unholy infidels, Bin Laden liked to kickback with some Cheetos—intelligence suggests he preferred the crunchy variety to the puffy kind—and then he hit those golden TV-Land beaches.  Reports suggest Bin Laden kept close tabs on Hasselhoff as to avoid "blowing him into tiny infidel pieces."  Interviews with locals suggest that just as U.S. forces raided the compound, Bin Laden was completely engrossed in the all day marathon, thus sealing his fate (pardon the pun).

Conflicting reports by commandos regarding the type of Cheetos has also shamed the Obama Administration. 

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ACLU Condemns Ocean’s Treatment of Bin Laden’s Body
ACLU Condemns Ocean’s Treatment of Bin Laden’s Body

The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh.  Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing.  The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.

"They are clearly violating his rights," said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU.  "What is the deal with the ocean anyway?  It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F--ing zoo!  These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character."

When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, "I’m glad you brought that up to the surface.  We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily.  There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh.  But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice!  Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!"

Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.

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The Discord Exclusive Sean Hannity/Mick Zano Interview!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Mick Zano: Welcome, Sean.  Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.  As most of you know, Sean Hannity is one of the biggest names on Fox News and, therefore, one of the biggest names on cable television.  You are, by far, the biggest interview I have ever landed in my quasi-journalistic life, so again, thanks.  May I kiss your rings?

FAA Bans Booze for Controllers, Recliners on Probation
FAA Bans Booze for Controllers, Recliners on Probation

Washington, DC—After several air traffic controllers have recently fallen asleep on the job, FAA head, Randal Babbitt, has set some ground rules for all of our nation’s control towers.

"No longer will alcohol or other depressants be consumed or ingested during shift parties," stated Babbitt.  "All comfy pillows, alcohol, and products containing sedating hypnotics have been confiscated and consumed at one of my house parties."

Whereas lounge chairs and recliners remain permissible, the new policy demands they must face the windows and the control panels.  However, Babbitt warned his staff on Monday, "One more ‘incident’ and they’re gone too, bitches."

When asked if he felt his measures were too extreme, Babbitt replied, "I think when several hundred people are landing in a plane, I demand at least some of our controllers are alert enough to land the fuckers safely."

Babbitt understands he needs to balance the dangers of exhaustion with the fact the job is "insanely boring, especially at some of our more rural airports."  Hookers and certain types of wild parties remain permissible, because, "Things like that will actually help keep them up," added Babbitt.  "Pardon the pun." 

When asked about issuing stimulants like crack cocaine or methamphetamine to avoid falling asleep on the job, Babbitt said, "I don’t want to fully endorse such substances at this time—at least not professionally.  Such stimulants have their place, like jammed up the ass of an international drug smuggler, but I don’t want them in my control towers, unless someone has to work a double."

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Trump’s Hairdresser Calling for Exploratory Committee
Trump’s Hairdresser Calling for Exploratory Committee

Did entrepreneur and Republican candidate, Donald Trump give the American people false information about his hair loss? Some believe he has created a hybrid-type double-weave comb-over from hell (HTDWCO). If this is true, and if he lied about it, does it have implications for his presidential bid?

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Salon, said, "If this is a cover up, it’s the biggest one in the history of politics and hairdressing!"

Hogbein believes Trump is guilty of improper follicular manipulation on an unprecedented scale. Donald’s supporters claim the Discord is literally splitting hairs (sorry, we were allotted one bad hair pun).

Hogbein, the unofficial leader of this Mirther movement and creator of The One True Follicle Theory is asking for proof, "If he’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t he just end this controversy by allowing America to run their fingers through his hair?"

Many feel Trump is a hair loss denier. Still others insist if Trump wants to remain a viable candidate for the U.S. presidency, he needs to answer this Watergatesque question, "Where does it really grow and how does he blow it?"

Ask your doctor if Republican Rogaine is right for you.

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Etrade Baby Arrested on Insider Trading Charges
Etrade Baby Arrested on Insider Trading Charges, Will he be tried as an adult?
Will he be tried as an adult?
 
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Japanese Nuclear Engineers Seeking "Expert" Advice from Springfield Man
Japanese Nuclear Engineers Seeking "Expert" Advice from Springfield Man

Fukushima, Japan—The Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has realized, if shredded newspaper has failed to stop radioactive sea water from spilling into the Sea of Japan, it’s time to bring in the big guns.  There is one notorious nuclear power plant in the Midwestern Unites States that has seen more nuclear mishaps and meltdowns than any other.  Japan is seeking a representative from this plant to think outside the partially-exploded-and-seeping box. 

A plaque on the desk of one Homer J. Simpson reads Chernobyl is for Beginners.  Simpson, a long time employee of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is believed to hold unique knowledge of meltdown situations.  The owner of the plant, C. Montgomery Burns, would like the exact location of the facility to remain secret.  Mr. Burns would also like to dispel any rumors of a connection between himself and Rupert Murdoch, the Koch Brothers, as well as the unidentified body that washed ashore at the Springfield reservoir yesterday. 

Simpson was singled out by the Japanese for being either directly or indirectly involved with every major problem at the plant for the last twenty years.

"He has experiences in this area like no other," said Akira Endo of TEPCO.  "He may hold the key."

The initial teleconference with Mr. Simpson was riddled with technical difficulties as Simpson repeatedly hit the mute button while talking and then shouted "OVER!" before releasing said button.  Once these issues were resolved the meeting was initially soured by Simpson’s first suggestion, "Did you try shredded newspapers?"

Ultimately the engineers at TEPCO were happy with the outcome of the meeting.  While the content of the conversation remains classified, a reporter was able to obtain one sentence of the notes: "Employ bird shaped perpetual-motion device to keep pressing vent button."  American nuclear scientists are puzzled by the suggestion and have no idea what it means. 

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NASA Discovers Planet Where Republican Views Make Sense
NASA Discovers Planet Where Republican Views Make Sense
 
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The Grudge Report
The Grudge Report, an ideological curse that spreads from headline to headline
An ideological curse that spreads from headline to headline
 
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Mattel to Introduce Moose Murder Barbie!
Mattel to Introduce Moose Murder Barbie!
Beverly Akerman MSc: Sarah Palin: Moose Murder Barbie Steeps at Mega Tea Party
 
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Obama Sends Fleet to Head off Japanese Radiation Plume
Obama Sends Fleet to Head off Japanese Radiation Plume
Obama doesn't want to appear weak on Homeland Radioactivity
 
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I’m Waving the Cranky White Towel of Disgust
By The Crank
The Crank

We’re all toast. I can’t argue anymore, Mikko. To paraphrase the Grateful Dead, we’re all goin’ to hell in a hand basket, but where I beg to differ with Mr. Garcia is this: I am NOT enjoyin’ da ride.  The 28 days of February saw the U.S. borrow a record 266 billion dollars. That’s more than most presidents’ YEARLY deficit!   In fact, that’s more than most of the Discord contributor’s combined bar tabs…or pretty darn close.

Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty
Texas Governor Calling for Death of Illinois Governor Who Abolished Death Penalty

Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to "knee cap shots only, from here on out."

Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.

"He’s a Democrat," barked Governor Justice, "which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow."

Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is "extreme" and "unjustified."

"Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one," said Justice.

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Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called
Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the 'architect' from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

"We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled," said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, "and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest."

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

"Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople," said Murdoch.  "They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2."

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

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Egypt's Aftermath: Looters Make Off with the Great Pyramid
Egypt's Aftermath: Looters Make Off with the Great Pyramid, And didn't the Sphinx have a nose?
And didn't the Sphinx have a nose?
 
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There are No Heroes: Pox on Both Yer Budgets!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries.  No easy trick.  His new budget reduction attempt is a joke.  I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan.  This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment.  Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore;  damn.

Decision 2012, The New Face of Roulette
Decision 2012, The New Face of Roulette, I'll take barrel #4
I'll take barrel #4
 
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What Are You so Damn Proud of Real America?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem?  America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again. 

Ruperteiser Scrooge: A Post Christmas Carol Post
Ruperteiser Scrooge: A Post Christmas Carol Post

New York, NY—Upon hearing of yet another study supporting the notion Fox News is not journalism, the Supreme Being acted.   Many feel Fox has reached absurd levels of misinformation, and that they are a joke, a joke designed to strike Discord at the heart…  OK, this does sound like us, but hear us out. Regardless, the powers that be saw fit to send three journalistic ghosts to Rupert Murdoch’s mansion in an attempt to change the CEO of Fox’s evil ways.  Or at least that was the plan.

Neighbors report hearing the sound of chains dragging and clanging, and some haunting cries before the spectral form of Walter Cronkite came bolting from the residence like a banshee.

"He seemed very distraught," said a neighbor, who witnessed the incident but asked to remain anonymous. "It wasn’t the usual "my life ended tragically" kind of thing.  This was more of an ‘it just happened, sheer terror egress’ kind of thing. I’ve never seen a ghost look so upset."

The effectiveness of the visit remains in question at this hour, but Cronkite allegedly texted the Ghosts of Journalism Present and Journalism Future right after the episode.  The full text, though initially classified, was released on WikiLeaks:

OMG! Murdoch is f-ing nuts. Abort! Rendezvous at Olbermann’s place

XOXO

Whereas the majority of the text message is self explanatory, the XOXO remains disturbing to many who knew Cronkite personally and never suspected he was so touchy-feely.

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Cairo Unhappy with New Value Menu
Cairo Unhappy with New Value Menu,
You should see what they did to the Denny's
 
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Biden Reassures the Country of Afghanistan...
Biden Reassures the Country of Afghanistan...
"They've put a time limit on how long I can talk"
 
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Eric Holder: Not Exactly Sure Where His Keys Are
Eric Holder: Not Exactly Sure Where His Keys Are
 
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Fox News Linked to Rage, Paranoia, and Impotence in Lab Rats
Fox News Linked to Rage, Paranoia, and Impotence in Lab Rats
 
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Al-Qaeda Planning Christmas Attacks!
Al-Qaeda Planning Christmas Attacks!
They're checking their infidel list...twice
 
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The New York Times Suing The Daily Discord…Again
The New York Times Suing The Daily Discord…Again

Philadelphia, PA—Fallout from the above picture has left The Daily Discord seeking legal counsel.  A recent post led readers to believe Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, was on the scene in Afghanistan conducting a survey on The Mating Rituals of Hunky Military Types.   But, if you look closely at the top of the image, you can clearly see the bottom of the lettering for The New York Times.  In fact, the picture is identical to a Times story from December 13th.

"It looks as if someone just snapped a shot of our newspaper cover and called it their own," said Bill Keller, the NY Time’s Executive Editor.  "This isn’t the first time we’ve had a run in with this group, although this is brazen even for them.  They’re a menace to the world wide web."

"Preposterous!" replied the Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow. "I have the receipt for McGrath’s plane ticket, her bar tab from Kabul, and several prescriptions for Oxycodone."

But when pressured, Winslow was unable to produce this documentation—except the prescriptions.  Despite the overwhelming evidence, Winslow remains unwilling to make any retraction for The Discord’s controversial post, nor is he willing to stop exploiting hunky military types.   

"We’re on the side of the truth," said Winslow.  "When we say we’re on location, we’re on location…and, apparently, sometimes we’re on booze and opiates."

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City Employee Admits to Leaving Bat Signal on All Weekend
City Employee Admits to Leaving Bat Signal on All Weekend
"Better than that time I brought the Bat Phone out at the Christmas party," said Commissioner Gordon
 
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Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!
By Alex Bone
Al Gore , Men In Green, and the HARP that will Destroy Earth!
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This is some serious breaking news:  now that this distracting election is over, it’s time to push aside useless labels like Tea Bagger, Bleeding Heart Liberal, Limp-Wristed Cow-Kissing Independent, or Humanitarian Sheep-Humping Dingleberry. None of these things matter in the face of the 100 Angry Men and their lacky, nay, their leader, nay, their Supreme Allied Commander…Al Gore. 

In Defense of Our 44th President
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that everyone is piling on Obama like a Cambodian stampede, it’s time to come to the aid of my old pal, Mr. Mediocre.  Currently, Bush’s approval rating is 44% and Obama’s is 39%.  Huh?  Granted, Obama’s struggling, but Bush’s approval rating should only be calculable using quantum fractals, pygmy fractions, or perhaps some other non-Euclidian geometry only found down in Whoville on Psilocybin Wednesdays.  Speaking of which, Shaman man…what are ya doing Wednesday?

Discord Derides Daily Show for Rally Folly
Discord Derides Daily Show for Rally Folly

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is pursuing legal action against The Daily Show for hosting a rally on the same day, same time, and at the same place with similarly designed rally posters.

"Our D.C. rally got no publicity!" said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. "The Ghetto Shaman’s speech and subsequent arrest were simply a footnote, a distraction, a freak show!"

To add insult to perjury, Stewart is denying any wrongdoing and told Rachel Maddow in a recent interview, "There’s no real honor in satire."

Winslow feels this is an obvious slight directed at the Discord.

"Excuse me?" said Winslow. "Haven’t you read our coverage on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day? We changed journalism to something wholly other that day…like gournalism. And, as for your other comments during that interview, we are a fake fake News organization, which is completely different."

Here is a Pierce Winslow excerpt from the actual lawsuit letter:

"I believe The Daily Discord is the victim of illegal and discriminatory rally practices. I have fully investigated my rights in this matter—and by ‘I’, I mean I have people for that, and by ‘fully investigated’, I mean I have conducted several non-porn related Google searches (NPRGS)."

Find the entire letter here.

"Bottom line, we spared no expense on those rally banners," added Winslow, "…well, some expense on Zano’s, obviously."

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Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
By Mick Zano
Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Deciding against heading to D.C. for my own rally, which is every blogger’s prerogative, I instead attended the Rally to Restore Sanity in my area.  This was a difficult decision for me but, since Winslow wouldn’t let me into the rent-a-car, I opted to stay around town and…damn you Ghetto Shaman!

Obama Sells Texas to Mexican Drug Cartel
Obama Sells Texas to Mexican Drug Cartel

To help pay for Obamacare and to decrease the national debt on the eve of the midterm elections, Obama has sold Texas back to Mexico.

"I know this is a bit of a shocker," said Obama. "Obviously Mexico couldn’t pay squat for Texas, so we dealt directly with the drug cartels.  Cash for illicit substances will now go to cutting our national debt. Spending our way out of this fiasco has failed, but snorting our way out should be fun and economical! Besides, most Texans want to go anyway so don’t let the panhandle hit your ass on the way out."

The Obama Administration is adamantly denying plans to return to 1845 boundaries, which would also include half of New Mexico and parts of Colorado.  When asked about our highways, Obama said, "Route 20 will be lost to us, but here’s our plan for Route 40, if we just raised the highway off the ground a few inches, we could probably slide the panhandle out from underneath it, preferably at night, when no one is looking."

When asked if there’s anything Obama would miss about our 28th state, he said, "There is this  great little Jazz club in Austin but, don’t worry, it’s scheduled to be choppered to D.C. before things are finalized—which, by the way, adds 47 construction jobs to my stimulus program totals."

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Midterm Enthusiasm Gap Finally Identified
Midterm Enthusiasm Gap Finally Identified
 
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Midterms Looming: Will Republicans Stop the Budgetary Madness?
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

It’s less than two weeks until the midterm elections, and people need to be aware of our current debt situation.  It sucks.  This latest adjective comes from the National Council of Economic Advisors.   Actually, it comes from me.  But, having studied the subject intensely, I would like to add a ‘really’ at this time. So now the national debt officially ‘really sucks’.

Petraeus Urges Discord to Halt Plans for Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day
General Petreaus

The Pentagon—General David Petraeus told the press today, "The Daily Discord is senseless and vile."

When someone informed him of their plans to carry out Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day, the general had even less charitable comments for the controversial e-zine. 

"If the Discord goes through with their Halloween hijinx, it could endanger our troops in the field and undermine our mission in Afghanistan.  Bradley armored vehicles might be TPd and scores of improvised flaming pooh bags (IFPBs) might be strategically placed outside all of our bases’ gates.  A lot of people will be left with egg on their face. Images of sobbing, egg-covered Imams would undoubtedly be used by extremists as propaganda.  For lack of a better phrase, it would only egg them on," said Petraeus.

"We aren’t stopping this time," said CEO, Pierce Winslow.  "When we caved to pressure last time and failed to carry out Burn the Duran Day, a little part of the Discord died.  Besides, what better way to put those recalled Iowa eggs to some good use, eh?"

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Glenn Beck!
Glenn Beck bending the truth to meet delusion
Bending the truth to meet delusion
 
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God Told Me to Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Ads
God Told Me to Masturbate to Christine O'Donnell Ads
Remember who to pull your lever for this November!
PAID FOR BY PEOPLE WHO MASTURBATE TO CHRISTINE O'DONNELL ADS
 
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Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops
Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before.  The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

"The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!"

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, "Where is everyone?  We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!"

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

"I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!"

This had the desired effect.  Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones.  This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event. 

"We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "But many were with us in spirit—just not in person.  We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either.  It’s just impossible to know for sure."

"This is a grass & roots movement like no other," said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca  or Ibogaine.

"This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days," said the Shaman.  "We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.

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Don’t Tell Me ‘bout Racism, I’m a $@#% Beige Gorilla!
By The Crank
The Crank

The one thing positive to come out of the Obamarama election, ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, was the whole racist thing might finally go away like a persistent case of Herpes Simplex II after the Zovirax treatment (…or so I’m told). Instead, the liberal progressive camp of refrigerator white bearded bald, muscle-less do-gooders (yes, that is a personal attack) has managed to set civil rights back a millennium or two.  Not to mention those embarrassing breakout sores.

CNN:  It Isn’t Just For Blitzer Anymore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I record Fareed Zakaria GPS every Sunday morning on CNN religiously.  Well, I don’t complete the mechanics involved personally; I have people for that.  OK, my 11 year old does it, but she is gradually teaching me how to use my DVR.  Granted, last week’s lesson went poorly, but she did teach me the proper acronym, DVR (apparently, it’s not a VCR or a DVD, it’s some type of alien hybrid). 

Bush Forever Cements Legacy by Forfeiting Heisman Trophy
Bush Forever Cements Legacy by Forfeiting Heisman Trophy, and that Iraq War thing didn’t help either
and that Iraq War thing didn’t help either
 
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I’m Sure You Made a Valid Point Somewhere, Crank: We Have People Working on It Now
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Winslow usually won’t post a rebuttal of a rebuttal, but I know what he drinks.  OK, Crank, why can’t Rep. Boehner and Speaker Pelosi both be bad for America?  I would like to see the Dems lose the house just to see Nancy Pelosi sit the hell down.  She is one of the singularly most ridiculous figures in politics today.  And, in 2010, that’s an astounding refudiation.  Anyone who says "the best way to create jobs is to extend unemployment benefits" needs to turn in her gavel by the end of the work day.  You must do it during business hours, of course, because it won’t slide under the door.  But getting Boehner (OH) to replace Pelosi as the next Speaker of the House is kind of like replacing Edith Bunker with Reverend Jim from Taxi (am I showing my age?).Whereas I never support stupidity on either side of the aisle, you steadfastly support your local moron.

One More Time…with Feeling! A Zano Rebuttal
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear dear Mikkie, First I wish to thank you and your family for a wonderful weekend. I especially enjoy the blue lips I now have from the fucking Martianic oxygen levels you  billy goats have ‘up mountain.’ "Hey Crank, what are the perfect things  for a fat, old, oxygen starved gorilla with two knee replacements to do?  I know, let’s walk a lot, eat a lot, and climb some stairs too!  Just because I usually win the argument is no reason to try to finish me off.

Sure One Mosque at Ground Zero is Controversial, but a Pair...
Sure One Mosque at Ground Zero is Controversial, but a Pair... Breasts Transcend All Spiritual Friction. Brought to you by Pookas4peace.orgy
Breasts Transcend All Spiritual Friction. Brought to you by Pookas4peace.orgy
 
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