Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
October 22, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India
Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hyderbad, India—Thousands came out to the eastern coast of India yesterday to protest a coming cyclone that would later claim the lives of many of those same protestors. The powerful storm, Hudhud, plowed across India seemingly oblivious to the negative press and its sinking public opinion polls.

Many are calling this abusive relationship with the weather "a cycle of violence", or in this case a cyclone of violence. "We lost electricity in my town," said a local fisherman Richa Gavde. "That would be fine except we only just flippin’ got electricity in my town! What is the weather thinking? We live in mud huts for fuck sake. Oh, brave deity blowing over thousands of thatched roofed huts. Big man on campus. We don’t even have a campus yet, jerk!"

Alternate Universe Vindicates Bush
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas history tends to repeat itself, one necessary element in this process is the time required to forget shit. Typically there are decades or even centuries between identical historical blunders (IHBs) as that’s how the whole eventually-shit-is-cyclical thing is supposed to work. But Republicans are like that guy who gets three DUIs in a 24hr period and then decides to drive to a bar. They’re insisting on F-ing everything up again, not in 2050, but by the end of their next news cycle. Quantdumb?

As the Graham McCain Turns
As the Graham McCain Turns
 
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Calvin and Hannity
Calvin and Hannity
 
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Obama Deploys "Special Ebola Task Force" to Dallas
Obama Deploys "Special Ebola Task Force" to Dallas
 
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Coalition of the Falling: Ebola Fed Ex
By Dr. Kwela Juluka
Dr. Kwela Juluka

I have taken a turn for the worse after my visit to West Africa.  I have fatigue, headaches, and I’m bleeding out of every orifice in/on my body...and that’s just because I write for the Discord.  Actually, I shook hands with a previously infected doctor who attributed his recovery to his Christian God rather than to medical science.  Color me stunned!  With docs like that, Africa is in for a thrill ride on the exponential Ebola train to Shitsville, which I also believe is a Monkees’ song.

Rise of the Radical Republican?  Boehner Inaction Figure Sold Separately
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Despite the recent successes of some moderate republican candidates, I don’t believe it accurately reflects the larger political trend. The GOP will likely track further right and within a decade we will start hearing the words "radicalized republicans." Bozo Haram? I know, I know, it’s like the time I commissioned a bust from that OCD sculptor, I’m getting a head of myself, again.

Scotland! Scotland! Scotland!
Scotland! Scotland! Scotland! Just be thankful we didn't have to use our Braveheart hanging Cameron's head on Hadrian's Wall thing.
Just be thankful we didn't have to use our Braveheart hanging Cameron's head on Hadrian's Wall thing.
 
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Sith Lord Revealed! Cheney Controlling President Through Darkside
Sith Lord Revealed! Cheney Controlling President Through Darkside, Good news: Halliburton stocks soar today
Good news: Halliburton stocks soar today
 
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Grand Old Party to Ban Every Smarty
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Say bye bye to those science guys. A recent poll showed a whopping 94% of all active scientists do not identify themselves as republican. What I want to know is: who is this other 6%? Should we hunt them down and confiscate their Bunsen burners? Step away from that particle accelerator slowly, sir.

Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States Via Metro-ground Railway
Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States via Metro-ground Railway

Washington, DC—The White House is under heavy scrutiny today as allegations suggest the Obama’s are housing the missing children from Central America in The White House. They are then believed to be funneling these illegals into key election states for the mid-terms.

It is believed Obama’s broader plan is to use an executive order to declare amnesty for all illegals and then decrease the voting age to six. Through a system of Clockwork Orange-style programming the Obama’s hope to ensure Democratic election victories for many years to come. 

Earlier today Barack and Michelle were found with a long line of Honduran children in the Rose Garden. When a reporter asked about the children, they quickly showed them inside. The President then explained how they were conducting an impromptu Easter egg hunt. When Mr. Obama was reminded that Easter is in April, the President became defensive.

Who’s More Serious About Climate Change? ISIS IS!
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

These sissy environmentalists are all talk and no action. It's time to save this planet! The scientific consensus agrees that Climate Change is the greatest crisis threatening the world. President Obama promises to violate the Constitution by bypassing Congress to sign a UN Treaty to curb carbon emissions. I say it's time to stop pussy footin' around the subject. Let's get to the root of the problem by employing ISIS's five steps to Beat Climate Change.

This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.
This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.

Manhattan, NY—President Perry launched a preemptive strike on the United Nations headquarters earlier today. Perry is calling the collapse of the nearby Queens Midtown Tunnel "unfortunate collateral damage." President Perry went on to say, "There are three reasons I leveled the United Nations today: 1. it’s becoming increasingly clear the U.N. does not have the sole interests of America in mind. 2. they keep calling the death of every last Gazan "Israeli genocide"—which is simply not the case as several Gazans are still alive in prisons and museums—and number 3.... ah ...umm. I think it had to do with midtown parking."

Christie Warns: "I Will Shoot the Next Reporter Who Mentions Bridgegate in the Face"
Christie Warns: "I will Shoot the Next Reporter who Mentions Bridgegate in the Face," Breaking: Christie Shoots Reporter in Face
Breaking: Christie Shoots Reporter in Face
 
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Obama Denies Ordering Airstrikes on Iraq
Obama Denies Ordering Airstrikes on Iraq
 
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Negativity Bias, Interpersonal Circumplexes, and Other Political Psychobabble
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Today we cover more of the psychological dysfunction behind modern day republicanism. Granted, today’s liberals aren’t particularly healthy, but the bigger story remains the GOP’s mega cognitive dissonance (MCD). It’s so thick you can cut it with a knife, but I wouldn’t try that! Remember those stand-your-ground laws? The Discord’s chief psychologist, Dr. Kwela Juluka, will be weighing in so to borrow a line from Fareed, let’s get smarted.

The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
By Alex Bone
The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
Alex Bone

Lilly Ponds, AZ—The crawdad menace is finally subsiding. For the first time in six years the delightful chorus of frogs can be heard echoing up from the Lilly Ponds, an area near the top of Sycamore Canyon—well, as long as you kick a few people to keep their snoring down.

Russia Standing by 10-Minute Rocket Launcher Tutorial for Rebels
Russia Standing by 10-Minute Rocket Launcher Tutorial for Rebels, "There’s only a few buttons. What’s the worst that could happen?”<br />—Vladimir Putin
"There’s only a few buttons. What’s the worst that could happen?”
—Vladimir Putin
 
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Yes, It’s All Part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, Called Thinking
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Arguing with you is fun, Pokey, but occasionally has a banging-your-head-against-the-wall feel to it. We find ourselves in two different camps these days. I used to think I was slightly left and you were slightly right so our arguments were hashing out some important middle ground. Alas, today it seems like there is a universe between us. Bridging that widening gap is possible, we just need to find a way to...oh, wait, I’m being told Congress has blocked funding for any Gaps or any bridges...uh, yeah, we’re screwed.

Read Between the Lies
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

All right Zano, it’s been a while since I responded to your political musings, but it’s taken me nearly a week to get that last bad post of yours out of my mouth. Thank you, Tums! So if the government uses tax money to engage in activities that conflict with a tax payer’s conscience, they should be legally compelled to give birth control to employees? ...or bake cakes for gay weddings? ...or purchase health insurance? Really? And to make matters worse, all these things happened last weekend at your hacienda of hedonism! I’m sure my lack of an invitation was an oversight on your part. But I see you invited my sister, dick.

The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in Our Oceans Found
The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in our Oceans Found,
Garbangtua now living comfortably amidst the Pacific Garbage Patch
 
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The Iraq War and the Edge of Harshness
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following rant was initially submitted to the Arizona Daily Sun by Dr. Kwela Juluka. It was rejected for its edgy harshness and, perhaps, because it was caked in a mysterious layer of white power. So he sent it our way because he knows this rag fosters such bouts of edgy harshness...and he also knows we snort anything. I have since asked Dr. J to consider becoming a regular contributor here at The Discord, as this remains one of the best places to foment such edgy harshness as to allow such rants to eventually encompass all the remaining synonyms for harsh and edgy....uh, hedgy?

Obama: the Worst President Never
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you heard about this Quinnipiac poll? Thirty three percent of those polled claim Obama is the worst president in history. It’s damning, unless you have a basic understanding of today’s society. Everyone is ignoring the irre-elephant in the room. The numbers are entirely predictable. Nearly 40% of our country are Foxeteers and they keep polling themselves to remind us of how strongly and wrongly they all agree. But where is the other 7%? Should we send out a search party? Should I turn on the Batshit signal again?

Sarah Palin Speaks...Badly
Sarah Palin Speaks...Badly
 
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GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful
GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful, Well, comparatively it is for them. See the full Zano Iraq feature, here.
Well, comparatively it is for them. See the full Zano Iraq feature, here.
 
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Ah, to Be a Republican Website for a Day
Ah, to be a Republican Website for a Day, Medication...it couldn't hurt.
Medication...it couldn't hurt.
 
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Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
By Mick Zano
Oil Tanker Sinks off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility

Tokyo, JP—Over a month has passed since the Shoko Maru, a nearly 1000 ton cargo tanker, sank under mysterious circumstances off the coast of Japan. To date, no monsters have claimed responsibility. The ship reportedly exploded before sinking into the ocean approximately 450-kilometers west of Tokyo. For U.S. readers that’s...I danno, we never really learned the metric system, but, according to our Chief Metric System Correspondent, it was fairly close to Godzilla’s usual stomping ground.

Many feel that if Godzilla caused this disaster he would have followed his traditional plotline directly into Tokyo Bay, where he—well, our field reporter Cokie McGrath said it best, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that the mastermind behind the Benghazi attack is in custody and has allegedly cited the video as the main impetus...uh, who cares? As Hillary said, "Why does it matter?" This was extrapolated by Fox to mean, "Why does it matter four Americans died?" They did this because they lie. That’s not news; they lie every news cycle, but what’s always been interesting to me about this particular "scandal" is how little sense it makes, even by typical Fox News standards. Heh, heh...Fox News standards.

GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House
GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House, Bullshit! Cruz riding bareback?
Bullshit! Cruz riding bareback?
 
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Obama Visits World's Smallest Museum
Obama Visits World's Smallest Museum, Next stop, Alliance Nebraska for Carhenge
Next stop, Alliance Nebraska for Carhenge
 
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Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum
Obama Condemns own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum

Providence, RI—The White House is back-peddling today after a military drone struck a popular club in Providence, Rhode Island leaving 78 people "really bummed." President Obama claims to have originally ordered the attack against the Muslim extremist group Boko Haram, a group responsible for the kidnapping of over two hundred Nigerian school children. Instead, because of what The White House is calling a "clerical error" the drone leveled a night club during a performance of the 60s rock band Procol Harum.

One survivor told The Discord, "Even if the band did take all of those Nigerian children, couldn’t Obama have at least waited until they played Whiter Shade of fucking Pale? I mean, what the hell else were we there to hear? Fucking government."

After the attack the club, ironically named The Drones Club, lay in ruins and any encore performances remain in serious question. Republicans believe a simple grammar check could have prevented this tragedy, or could have at least postponed the attack until after they played Whiter Shade of fucking Pale.

Zano Playing Ouija With John Lennon Again
Zano Playing Ouija with John Lennon Again, Now imagine if the other half our country understood this.
Now imagine if the other half of our country understood this.
 
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Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, this is my foreign policy for Demmies. Whatever the hell the Obama Doctrine is, can we keep it? ...or at least rent to own? If there is anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine in 2016, how about we book you a Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’.

Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
Where Climate Change is likely to Hit the Hardest, Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
 
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Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth Onto Putin Rival
Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth onto Putin Rival

Moscow—Vladimir Putin expressed his deep sympathy today for the death of Alexi Yankovich and his dog Oyobuk. Yankovich, an activist and harsh critic of the Putin Administration, was walking his cocker sputnik near his home when a Russian ‘space program’ rocket landed on his head and tragically exploded (the rocket, not the dog).

Yankovich, an outspoken critic from the Volga Federal District, was obliterated during his morning jog, which he reportedly does in the same park at the same time each morning—a fact Russian intelligence officials insist "who knew?" and then followed that statement up with, "Although, he did start his jog five minutes later than usual this morning, or so someone said."

Putin claims the ill-fated rocket was filled with supplies for the international space station, as well as some flowers and throw pillows designed to "brighten up the place."

Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs
Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs, Will Shinseki face the comfy chair?
Will Shinseki face the comfy chair?
 
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GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
 
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Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum
Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum,
Next stop: the largest ball of twine in Darwin, MN.
 
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Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance
Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance, Michael Richards was unavailable for comment.
Michael Richards was unavailable for comment.
 
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Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad
Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad, Climate change isn’t a problem if you’re lucky enough to live south of Narnia and north of Whoville
Climate change isn’t a problem if you’re lucky enough to live south of Narnia and north of Whoville
 
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Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi
Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi

Washington—Acting on orders from Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), Bigfoot was dragged out of his cave, deep within the forests of the American Northwest, and placed in front of an Issa-created congressional subcommittee (ICCS). Bigfoot was then subjected to over three hours of grueling questioning about his involvement in the 2012 embassy attack in Benghazi. Bigfoot grunted and growled his objections before finally being brought down by several tranquilizer darts.

Congressman Issa stands by his decision to subpoena the 650 pound cryptid, whose answers shed no further light on the events in Libya of September 11, 2012.

Issa told critics, "To the best of my knowledge Bigfoot was never questioned about Benghazi before this hearing."

Others question Issa’s knowledge, best or otherwise, and claim this is nothing more than a witch hunt.

"Nonsense, this is not a witch hunt," said Issa. "We’re doing that next week when we haul that White bitch from Narnia into court."

Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
 
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Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma
Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma, Apparently, they are now also planning to sue The Discord.
Apparently, they are now also planning to sue The Discord.
 
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Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes up Empty
Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes Up Empty
 
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Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
 
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Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance Will Interfere With My Medicaid and Food Stamps."
Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance will interfere with my Medicaid and Food Stamps." De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
 
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GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia
GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia

Narnia—As the bad news for Obamacare lessens the GOP is searching farther from home for controversy. They are now turning their attention to Narnia. Three fauns allegedly spent weeks on the exchanges trying to get healthcare before being devoured by a dragon. In another instance, a centaur could only get the human part of his body covered medically, because the legislation failed to foresee coverage complications for human-animal hybrids (HAH!).

"This is further proof of a failed policy," said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. "Obamacare is not only wrecking our world, but this law is starting to impact the lives of creatures across the multiverse. Something I, and many others in my party, accurately foresaw. Besides, why should my hard earned tax dollar go to the healthcare of some talking badger in the first place?!"

Enrollment data suggests not enough young and healthy mythical creatures are signing up in the exchanges, which could impact premiums in 2015. Also, numerous dwarves, some as old as 150, are being wrongly designated as children so remain covered under their parents.

Mr. Obama responded earlier today by saying, "There were many inherent challenges signing up folks from Narnia. There was no existing infrastructure there so all applications were done by hand, and as a result many of our volunteers were eaten. This will not stop our plans to expand coverage of the Affordable Care Act to Middle-Earth by 2015."

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Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
By Mick Zano
Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

Sebelius Escorted Out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent
Sebelius Escorted out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent, I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
 
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Cuban Twitter Crisis?

Havana, CU—Cuba is hailing a clear victory today after a ceasefire was called for all hostile Tweets between the U.S. and Cuba. Communist controlled Cuba claims the U.S. has inadvertently triggered the Twitter Wars in a crass attempt to undermine their government. Since Cuba has declared victory Republicans are jumping on Obama for his lack of social site prowess.

 

RNC
@GOP
As usual Obama is bringing his MySpace to a Twitter fight. #obamaIsNoKennedy
10 minutes ago
 
6 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

Here’s what transpired on Twitter earlier today:

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Stop the Tweet Wars now! Good oceans make good neighbors #justSayin
9 minutes ago
 
26 Retweets 12 Favorites

 

The White House
@whiteHouse
OMG! LOL! So cute, Cuba can now use hashtags. #justSayin
8 minutes ago
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Uhh, and we have better hash too. #tagYoureShit
7 minutes ago
 
3 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

“The shroud of the social site has fallen. Begun the Tweet War has.”

—Yoda D’Kana

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Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President

Coral Gables, Fl—Former Governor of Florida and presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has proposed a new family tree suggesting he is in no way related to his brother, George W. Bush. The news came as quite a surprise to the rest of the Bush family, who always felt there was some relation between the two siblings.

"As you can clearly see from this graph," said Bush, "...uh, that Mick Zano Photoshopped onto a Holiday Inn conference room wall behind me (throat clear), that I am in no way related to my brother, George. In fact, Ancestry.com recently sent me a letter urging me to send back the leaf that represents George on my family tree. It’s all part of some massive ancestral-relational recall thing. It’s really complicated stuff involving quantum lineage, genealogical anomalies, and vodka spritzers. Bottom line, he’s not my real brother. It all makes perfect sense, I mean, the rest of the Bush’s can read and write."

Barbara Bush, the mother of at least one of the brothers, said, "I’m happy for Jeb, because he now has a promising political future, but I’m sad for George, who only paints now...well, it’s coloring really as the outlines are already on the page. He stays in the lines, though, which is better than he did in office."

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Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program
Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program

U.S./Mexico Border—Under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, rock attacks on our border agents have only increased. Such attacks are endangering our border patrol agents, but new evidence suggests these Weapons of Metamorphic Destruction are American in origin. The tracking of rocks started under President Clinton, but the Obama Administration and Homeland Security expanded this ill-fated program. Now it is believed many of the rocks that injured our border agents were part of a program known as Blast and Igneous designed to track pointy rocks as they travel back to Mexican drug cartels.

Arizona Senator John McCain said, "These rocks were all accounted for under republican leadership, but under Obama they’re now painting crude numbers on the bottom and then hoping for the best. It’s criminal negligence. These rocks are now scattered all over the border region. Does the government know where all these rocks are? Does Obama know where all these rocks are?" McCain is the ranking member of the Senate Subcommittee on Pointy and Potentially Lethal Projectiles (PPLP).

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, told the press, "Obama has not been sedimentary on this issue, so he doesn’t give a schist about more republican mudstone slinging. So start making gneiss. Get it, gneiss?"

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Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

The Manchurian Gutter Ball
By Pokey McDooris

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack...and he bowled a 77?

Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland
Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland, "All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
"All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
 
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New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: The Plot Stiffens
 
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And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes to...
 
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How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas I do criticize our 44th President, the ideologically-challenged always seem to boggart such endeavors, i.e., Obama really blew it on...wait, did Boehner just say "We’ve done our work"? Or, I’m angry with Holder because...did Paul Ryan just say "I’m not preaching austerity"? For this post I will set aside my own biases as to remain focused on—OMG! Krystol just said "Obama is dangerous and delusional!" Mr. Never-ever-right? Really?

Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act
Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act, "I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules," -Jefferson Smith
"I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules," -Jefferson Smith
 
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U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea
U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea,"I plan to meet Putin where he is," said Obama, "Somewhere in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros."
"I plan to meet Putin where he is," said Obama, "Somewhere in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros."
 
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Star Trek V Space Case
Star Trek V Space Case
 
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Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Don’t fret about this veto thing. Look, the words Christian conscience should not be an oxymoron. Gays would be happy to go to your hell but the Pope just admitted it’s fictional. Of course, he may reconsider his position if he ever visits Mesa. As for eternal damnation for the gays, how about we just take a brimstone check?

The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
 
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Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You think that’s bad? Initially I was going with drone strikes. The list of our-dangerously-incomptent-politicians-who-we-must-run-out-of-office has changed. Instead of identifying them via their support for Sarah Palin, we need to switch to all those elected officials derailing our current peace talks with Iran, D or R. Please turn in your flag lapel pins and all those donations acquired illegally before your car is towed.

Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
 
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The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future
The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future, Kidding! There are dozens.
Kidding! There are dozens.
 
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Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
By Mick Zano
Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
Mick Zano

Are you having a hard time deciphering Obama scandals? Are you confused whether or not Obama should be impeached? Can you even keep all of these scandals straight? I have turned all of our 44th President’s scandals into fun, easily digestible cartoons. So in five minutes you’ll finally understand everything, or your money back!

Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, "All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States."

As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"
As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"

Phoenix, AZ—After gutting Child Protective Services in the state of Arizona, Governor Jan Brewer announced her decision to "do it her (mother blanking) self." After citing a number of CPS failings, Brewer announced her decision to quarterback the statewide program.

The Governor told reporters, "The Jan-line will be available 24/7, or at least my motivational pre-recorded messages should be. Hey, I have to sleep some time."

When filing a report, if you do happen to reach Jan live, she will immediately dispatch Sheriff Joe Arpaio to drive a tank through the home of the alleged perpetrator. "As for neglect and abuse," said Brewer, "tanks have been known to greatly reduce recidivism. Now if you receive my pre-recorded messages you may hear such insightful gems as: Vote republican and end abuse, Think of the money this state is saving, right now! and, my favorite, Why not just call 911, morons?!"

This new system will save the state of Arizona an estimated seventy million dollars next year and Brewer believes it may actually help children learn to be more resourceful, self-sufficient and survival oriented.

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Either Way Christie Was Not Going to Be Nominated
Either Way Christie was Not Going to be Nominated, Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
 
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Obama's Policies Continue to Baffle Millennials
Obama's Policies Continue to Baffle Millennials
 
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Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
By Mick Zano
Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
Mick Zano

Through propaganda the rightwing media has effectively thinned the ice for Obama, which is not an easy trick during a polar vortex. So when his healthcare rollout faltered he immediately dropped to Bush-level approval ratings. Well played. I agree, ObamaCare is one of the worst things to ever happen to this country...um, except the whole it has barely started thing.

Liz Cheney Unleashes Polar Vortex After Failed Senatorial Bid
Liz Cheney Unleahses Polar Vortex after Failed Senatorial Bid

Cheyenne, WY—Liz Cheney, daughter of Sith Lord Voldemort, has ended her campaign for a Wyoming senate seat. Upon conceding her senate aspirations, she cackled manically to the press, "If you will not give me political power I will turn this country into a frozen wasteland!"

Immediately following her statements a large swath of the country was plunged into subzero degree temperatures. Cheney admits her father authorized Operation Deep Freeze, but she is currently denying allegations she used her powers to trap those global warming researchers deep in Antarctic ice. "Wish I had thought of that but, sadly, no," said Cheney.

She went on to explain how "pulling a Palin" would allow her to spend more time enjoying the simple pleasures in life, like tormenting her lesbian sister further on Facebook or waterboarding. "And enhanced interrogation techniques are so much funner with icicles," said Cheney.

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Kerry’s Shadow Making Progress in Mideast Peace Talks
Kerry’s Shadow Making Progress in Mideast Peace Talks, Abbas and Netanyahu both think "shadow has better personality, charisma."
Abbas and Netanyahu both think "shadow has better personality, charisma."
 
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North Korea Vows to Change Brown Paneling by 2015
North Korea Vows to Change Brown Paneling by 2015
“And there will be matching drapes long before then!”
—Kim Jong-Un
 
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How the Grinch Stole Health Care
How the Grinch Stole Health Care, Oh, the Who-manity!
Oh, the Who-manity!
 
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Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
 
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Obamacare Woes Make Me Long for Benghazi Headlines
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Benghazi is truly Obama’s biggest scandal. No shit. On a scale of one to ten, it nearly reaches the scale. After 472 Benghazi headlines all I learned is that republicans are equally culpable. And, yes, headline #473 brought me back to this lousy topic: Did Hillary Clinton’s Globetrotting Ways Contribute to Benghazi Disaster?

Obama Torches National Tree With Flare Gun
Obama Torches National Tree with Flare Gun

Washington, DC—To the horror of onlookers, President Barack Hussein Obama sent a flare hurdling toward our national Christmas tree at the onset of the tree lighting ceremony. Obama cackled maniacally as the 31-foot-tall Colorado blue spruce burst into flames.

The President later told the press, "I am not running for office again, which allows me to focus more of my energy and attention toward the War on Christmas."

In related news, heightened security for Santa is believed to have thwarted at least one atheist terrorist cell plot targeting the Macy’s Day Parade. Homeland Security claims the group plotted to both egg and toilet paper the jolly old elf for what they are calling "crimes against secularism."

As one of his final actions as Mayor, Michael Bloomberg boosted security and ordered NYPD to use lethal means should the President come within two blocks of Rockefeller Center. "Or if he’s carrying a soda product above the 16-oz legal limit," added Bloomberg.

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Can I Please Place Sanctions on Congress?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t think Congress can ultimately impose sanctions on Iran, but it wouldn’t be for lack of trying. With patriots like these who needs Al-Qaeda? The GOP was against this deal even before they knew any of the details, which many are calling beyond a knee-jerk response. So let’s just shorten it to beyond jerks.

What Keeps Me up at Night, Besides Jolt Cola
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are all living in the same country, during the same period in history, and yet during the Age of Information we remain completely unable to agree on even the most basic issues of our time. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Meanwhile, a republican’s arsenal consists of either breaking shit or graciously offering common sense solutions...involving unicorns.

Did Pardoned Turkey Rejoin Anti-Thanksgiving Extremist Group?
Did Pardoned Turkey Rejoin Anti-Thanksgiving Extremist Group?

Washington, DC—President Obama is on the defensive as evidence has surfaced suggesting last year’s pardoned turkey, Cobbler, has rejoined a known Thanksgiving Terrorist group. The Federal Bureau of Ornithology believes the turkey is fighting with the same gobbler-cell responsible for the Great Boise Butterball Basting, the St. Cranberry’s Sauce Massacre, and the Turkey Tetrazzini Terror over at Aunt Betty’s house.

Barack Obama minced no garlic, "Pardoning turkeys is a time honored White House tradition and this is the first bird ever suspected of rejoining with fowl militants. Should this rumor prove true, the full power of the White House kitchen staff will be brought to bear."

Acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Rand Beers, added, "We are winning the War on Thanksgiving! America is safe! Or at least it soon will be...you know, when that little temperature thing pops up on its belly."

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If Website Not Fixable 2nd White House Being Constructed to Hide Obama
If Website Not Fixable 2nd White House Being Constructed to Hide Obama, "It worked in Blazing Saddles," —Barack Obama
 
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The Tea Party Band Has All Your Block-a-Billy Favs!
The Tea Party Band has all your Block-a-Billy Favs! Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
 
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Isn’t That the Pot Calling the Ketamine Crack?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t understand that headline either, but don’t let that stop you. Let’s not end the War on Drugs today, let’s build a time machine and go back 20-years and end it then. Besides, a republican time machine could bring a whole new meaning to the word TARDIS. Think of the money we could save, not to mention the cost in human misery—or, as Schwarzenegger put it, come with me if you want to spliff!

Palin to Ride From Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform
Palin to Ride from Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform, "Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
"Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
 
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Climate: Keep the Change
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the post wonderful time of the year! I keep covering the GOP’s view of climate change because, if it didn’t mean the probable end of mankind, it would be downright hilarious—Discord’s latest video hilarious. You have to hand it to these folks, they aren’t going to fall for any scientific argument. It’s a gutsy move, like cross-dressing at a Tea Party rally. Never again!

Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare?
Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare? Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
 
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Discord Celebrates Its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
Discord Celebrates its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
 
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Rocky the Rollout Rodent to Explain Website Fail
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to Explain Website Fail

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration has enlisted the aid of an important fictional superhero to help children understand why their family members have died while waiting for Obamacare coverage. Rocky and his trusty sidekick, Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon, are already visiting numerous state exchanges, in full Kevlar, to explain recent enrollment glitches.

"Glitches are part of any new process, kids," said Rocky. "Just ask my friend, Glitchy!" Unfortunately, by this time Glitchy had already passed out in a nearby alley.

President Obama expressed his deep disappointment in Glitchy’s performance today, but blames republicans for the iconic sidekick’s sudden turn to alcohol. The White House is not officially commenting on the rocky rollout for Rocky the Rollout Rodent, but an unnamed Obama advisor hinted that all government employed superhero-types were greatly impacted by the sequester.

Pauli the Stimulus Package Panda was unavailable for comment.

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Johnny, Rosin up Your Bullshit: the Charlie Daniels Effect
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So this rightwing propagandist is making videos of ill-informed Obama supporters and then calling their stupidity: The Obama Effect. I tend to make more of a dent focusing on republican congressman and senators who actually say shit, out loud, about important issues, aka Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel need not apply.

Our Country Started With a Tea Party and Will Likely End by One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Full circle jerk. Regardless of these final negotiations Obama needs to enact an executive order to pay our bills, now. Playtime is over. He’ll be impeached, of course, but who cares? We need to avoid the collapse of the U.S. dollar as the world standard at all cost, pardon the pun. Oh, and don’t worry, the impeachment process has already been marginalized—or, as I call it, the Full Lewinsky.

Amidst Shutdown Washington Monument Sold to Chinese
Amidst Shutdown Washington Monument Sold to Chinese

Washington, DC—In a quiet backdoor deal, the U.S. Government has sold the Washington Monument to the Chinese for what President Obama is calling "a shitload of loan forgiveness." It is hoped this move will really help the U.S.’s long term deficits and by that Obama added "not much."

Republicans are criticizing Obama’s choice to sell off historic landmarks as Speaker John Boehner is calling the move, "Operation Hock and Pawn."

In related news, our national parks will open soon but they will also be under Chinese control. President Obama is putting as positive of a spin as he can on this event. "The transition should be seamless," said Obama. "Yearly national park passes are actually expected to drop under China’s management, well...umm, with the mandatory implanting of the required monitoring chip and DNA sample."

Libertarians are having a field day with this required monitoring chip. No, literally, they are all signing up and then playing field games wherein they can track one another’s whereabouts and progress. Yes, our current libertarians are idiots but our parks are open!

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You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?!
You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?! “That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car”  —Mick Zano
“That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car” —Mick Zano
 
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Missing Toddler Found Anchoring on Fox News
Missing Toddler Found Anchoring on Fox News

New York, NY—Three-year-old Tyler Stanton went missing for over two months. His frantic parents finally watched his show yesterday evening on Fox News. "We were so relieved he was alive," said his father, Bob Stanton. The Stantons do have mixed feelings about their son’s recent activities. "We’re happy with his ratings," said his mother, Tia, "but really upset he’s promoting a right wing agenda. We hope it’s just a phase he’s going through."

"Our ratings didn’t dip at all," said Fox News’s CEO, Rupert Murdoch. "The little tyke took over the 7PM slot quit seamlessly. He was much lower maintenance than most of my anchors. Look, we’ve already made a substantial donation to the people over at Labor and Industry, so I think this matter should be considered dropped."

One viewer added, "I loved him. I never saw tantrums like that, even after the election. I figured he really hated Obama like no one’s business. I’m still hoping he’ll show back up on MyCrib, Facebook Jr., or The House of Representatives."

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Polarization Nation: Thanks for Ending Our Democracy
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment...oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

ACA Exchanges Open: Obamalypse Now!!

The Former U.S.A.—Millions of Americans are now jobless, black people are inexplicably more empowered, and those last few gainfully employed real Americans are huddled around their television sets watching Fox News for updates and for strength.

"It’s horrible," said John Q. Republican. "Hospitals are inundated with paying customers and at night our streets are filled with roving gangs of death panels. As the Affordable Care Act is implemented, doctors are blanketing our neighborhoods, armed to the teeth with endless pages of healthcare policies. Oh, but no dental coverage yet."

Speaker John Boehner is outraged, "Anyone with a stethoscope can now enter your home without a warrant and decide who lives and who dies.  This not the America. It’s certainly not the America I hoped republicans would someday destroy."

All medical records will also be sent to the White House for review. "I will have my socialist army march house by house, neighborhood by neighborhood," warned Obama, "But don’t worry, I will only harass those who I deem to have unhealthy lifestyle habits. We need to weed out the clearly unhealthy, tax them until they die, and then double their death tax."

The shutdown is costing us our treasure and our credibility, but has done nothing to slowdown Obamacare, um, because of something called it’s already happening.  Meanwhile, the brand new Department of Homeland Fitness is adding millions to their Unhealthy Watch List, which has implications for employment, taxes, and targeted internet spam.

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You’re Being Called Anarchists Because You’re Anarchists
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight. If a president is elected twice on a premise, let’s say to insure more Americans, and his or her party holds the senate and the White House—oh, and the Supreme Court gives its blessings—the minority can still defund and block said legislation because they feel strongly about it? Okay...wait, what?!

Was Churchill’s Speech Really About Zombies?
Was Churchill’s Speech Really About Zombies?

London—The original recording of Winston Churchill’s 1940 speech is under scrutiny and many believe the Prime Minister was actually concerned about the dead rising from their graves to conquer England. Was Churchill’s original "fight on the beaches" bit about Nazis or zombies? Some even speculate it was about both Nazis and zombies like in Dead Snow (2009) or Shock Waves (1977). Just keep an open mind at this chilling new translation of that most famous of speeches:

We shall go on to the end...like in Omega Man (1971) or the Last Man on Earth (1964).

We shall fight in France...like in They Came Back (2004) and La horde (2009).

We shall fight on the seas and oceans...like in World War-Z (2013) and Zombie (1979).

We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air...like in Flight of the Living Dead (2007) and Quarantine 2 (2011).

We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be...like in Zombie Island Massacre (1984) and Island of the Living Dead (2006) and Scooby Doo on Zombie Island (1998)...a personal favorite.

We shall fight on the beaches...like in The Horror of Party Beach (1964) and Zombie Beach (2010).

We shall fight on the landing grounds...like in Warm Bodies (2013) and that other one whose name escapes me right now. It’s an Italian film; I can see the movie poster in my head.

We shall fight in the fields and in the streets...like in Dawn of The Dead (1978), the Walking Dead (2012), 28 Days Later (2002) and jinkies a whole shitload of others. Sorry, I just watched the Scooby Doo one. Zoinks! (Churchill really said Zoinks!)

We shall fight in the hills...like in Sugar Hill (1974) and Night of the Living Dead (1968).

But head shots only...we shall never dismember!

Unless it’s a demonic thing like in The Evil Dead (1981) and then by all means hack away.

—Winston Churchill

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Zano Initiates Operation Gloat and Jeer
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Less than 48-hours after I posted my Syria feature, Assad struck a deal to start handing over his WMDs.  Apparently, the single message of the U.S., Russia, and The Daily Discord proved too much for the evil tyrant. As for what the rest of you were thinking, umm, I’m afraid you had a case of the Grand Old Propagandas. Despite the implications, republicans are still trying to make this the most poorly handled foreign intervention ever. And to this I say, amen.

Obama Makes Impassioned Plea to Bomb Heaven
Obama Makes Impassioned Plea To Bomb Heaven

Washington, DC—President Obama announced his affinity toward atheism today and then denounced God’s record, both Biblical and present, as being "reckless and shortsighted." Obama told the press, "Let’s face it, our Savior is a douche. The Pope’s recent unwillingness to condemn Syria’s use of chemical weapons and God’s recent watery assault on the Rockies is unacceptable. I would expect this kind of shit from Allah, but not from an American deity."

Secretary of State, John Kerry, added, "Over the parables God has proven himself to be a ruthless, merciless zealot, who must be stopped! Why wait for this diabolical fiend to arbitrarily smite again?"

Whereas Kerry and Obama both acknowledge the statute of limitation has run out on God’s more Biblical shenanigans, they make a compelling case that God’s lofty lair is clearly a danger to the civilized world.

"God makes Assad look like a boy scout," said Obama.  "We know God has used rain, plagues, insects, and a form of high-yield brimstone condemned by the Geneva Conventions. We are not going to sit by idly while God uses these weapons of Sunday-mass destruction, penned in his own hand in Revelations, to end countless innocent lives. The international community must act, or the United States will."

The EU strongly condemns any military action against God, but the Pope hasn’t made up his mind yet.

"I admit it’s a grey area," said the Pope.

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Yoda Turns to the Dark Assad
Yoda Turns to the Dark Assad, "Gassed those rebels, I have. How embarrassing."
"Gassed those rebels, I have. How embarrassing."
 
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Syria: Operation "Point and Glare" Enters Third Straight Day
Syria: Operation "Point And Glare" Enters Third Straight Day, Two-Finger salute "immanent" and no hand gestures are off the table
Two-Finger salute "immanent" and no hand gestures are off the table
 
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Obama Takes Moment of Silence and Reflection on 9/11 Before Blowing Shit Out of Syria
Obama Takes Moment Of Silence And Reflection On 9/11 Before Blowing Shit Out Of Syria
 
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With Israel Mocking U.S. Weakness Kerry Initiates Operation Point and Glare
With Israel Mocking U.S. Weakness Kerry Initiates Operation Point And Glare, "We may yet initiate Operation Unfriend Assad On Facebook."
"We may yet initiate Operation Unfriend Assad On Facebook."
 
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Syria: Why Wait on Long Lines at Universal to See This Kind of Shit?
Syria: Why Wait On Long Lines At Universal To See This Kind Of Shit?
 
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Arson at Yosemite? Short Cowboy Sought for Questioning
Arson At Yosemite? Short Cowboy Sought For Questioning, The inferno now threatens the Le Pew Sewage Treatment Plant
The inferno now threatens the Le Pew Sewage Treatment Plant
 
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The Deplorable Care Act: ObamaCare 101
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Republicans are derailing Obamacare! Like it needed any help. Back in the day, when I directed my blogger-wrath toward those who thought the Surge in Iraq was a good idea, I, the anti-American hippy liberal I am, still prayed it would work. And I don’t pray often, unless there’s a cop behind me or I’m providing a urine sample for my HR director.

Kerry Makes Hilarious War Gaffe
Kerry Makes Hilarious War Gaffe, "We are certain the Syrian regime is using chemical tampons against their own pimples."
"We are certain the Syrian regime is using chemical tampons against their own pimples."
 
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Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting to Schizophrenics
Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting To Schizophrenics

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is embarrassed over leaked information suggesting the government has tormented the severely mentally ill for many years "just for fun." The transmission, which started in the sixties from deep within the Pentagon, has encouraged paranoid schizophrenics to try blocking these signals by donning a tinfoil hat.

Whereas President Obama admits the signal is occurring, he is denying any link between it and the makers of Reynolds Wrap.

Obama told reporters, "This was not my idea. Someone back in the day thought this would be funny. I am not condoning the practice but, had I ended this program amidst our fragile recovery, unemployment numbers would have only risen."

When asked about WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s assertions, which involved the targeting of those suffering from  eating disorders with a "Fat Signal", Obama got testy, "I personally ended Project Hand Wash for the obsessive compulsive and I completely scrapped Operation: Itsy Bitsy Spider for Arachnophobes. Look, you try spending the entire defense budget on just defense."

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Vast Majority of the 100,000 Mars Trip Volunteers Republican
 Vast Majority Of The 100,000 Mars Trip Volunteers Republican. Well, a Dem is in office and it is the red planet
Well, a Dem is in office and it is the red planet
 
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Snowden's Father Visits His Son in Russia
Snowden's Father Visits His Son In Russia
Vows to be more like son and leak details of visit
 
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NRA and Dems Join Forces?!
NRA And Dems Join Forces?! "It's an 88-Magnum. It shoots through scandals."
"It's an 88-Magnum. It shoots through scandals."
 
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Train Wreck Spike Linked to Global Warming?
Train Wreck Spike Linked to Global Warming? Or are trains just rebelling against the whole "rail thing"?
Or are trains just rebelling against the whole "rail thing"?
 
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Close Beartanamo Now!
Close Beartanamo Now! A grizzly scene, but at least there's no forced feeding.
A grizzly scene, but at least there's no force feeding.
 
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Train Engineer Received Weiner Sext at Time of Crash
Train Engineer Received Weiner Sext At Time of Crash. Spain is outraged, yet strangely aroused.
Spain is outraged, yet strangely aroused.
 
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Discord Faces Hostile Invertebrate Takeover
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Once upon a time companies and major corporations were only owned by humans, or their close cousins like The Discord staff. Not anymore. The Discord Tower has been purchased by the Crawdad Alliance. They plan to gut the structure and fill it with a murky swamp water, which according to staff, "Really shouldn’t be much different."

Zimmerman Stops Building From Falling on Playground
Zimmerman Stops Building from Falling on Playground

Miami, FL—George, George, George of the asphalt jungle is at it again! Only hours after pulling several people from a burning SUV, the controversial neighborhood watch member turned superhero proved his mettle again; this time by saving countless children from a fiery death.

Eyewitnesses claim he prevented a toppling building from crashing onto a park filled with children. The caped Zimmerman allegedly held the building aloft until the area was cleared by emergency personnel. The mask and his outfit had people wondering if he was fighting crime or this was his alternative to the Acquitted Protection Program.

"I wasn’t sure it was him at first, with that whacky get up," said Ella Porter of Miami Shores, "but when he started firing random shots at the fleeing black kids, we knew."

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Palin Weighs in on Detroit Bankruptcy
Palin Weighs In On Detroit Bankruptcy: “That poor city never had a chance after Katrina.”
“That poor city never had a chance after Katrina.”
 
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Fabrication Station
Fabrication Station, Dysfunction junction, what’s their function?
Dysfunction junction, what’s their function?
 
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Asiana Deems Flight 214 Salvageable
Asiana Deems Flight 214 Salvageable, “It just needs some duct tape.”
“It just needs some duct tape.”
 
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Liz Cheney Wanted for Exploratory Committee War Crimes
Liz Cheney Wanted for Exploratory Committee War Crimes

Washington, DC—Liz Cheney’s exploratory committee is already steeped in controversy. After deciding to run for a senate seat in Wyoming, the former vice president’s daughter allegedly wiretapped a number of politicians and journalists alike in an attempt to gather information she claimed, "Is vital to American security."

Cheney is standing by her decision to eavesdrop on potential political rivals and told critics today, "My actions are legal under the FISA Amendment of 2008, the Patriot Act of 2003, and the My Daddy Knows Where You Live Accord of 2013."

Other reports suggest incumbent, Senator Mike Enzi, was waterboarded yesterday by Cheney in his Casper office headquarters.

Cheney told critics, "Such activity is now legal under the Geneva Conventions and international law." We’re Kidding! She just said, "Our founding father would have wanted it this way," and then added, "Look, I don’t have a campaign manager yet, so I will need to implement my own enhanced election techniques until these duties can be delegated to either my Secret Political Commandant or my Black Ops Campaign Financial Manager...until then, deal, bitches."

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Egypt: Muslim Brotherhood Calls for Calm During Time of Transition
Egypt: Muslim Brotherhood Calls for Calm During Time of Transition, Kidding! They're blowing shit up.
Kidding! They're blowing shit up.
 
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Snowden Widens Asylum Search to All M-Class Planets
Snowden Widens Asylum Search to All M-Class Planets

Somewhere— Denied refuge in any country on Earth, whistle-blower Edward Snowden is expanding his search to all planets the Hubble found to be earthlike. When explained how scientists can’t be sure of any planet’s habitability outside of our own solar system, Snowden wept.

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Cardboard Cutout of John Kerry Returns From Israel
Cardboard Cutout of John Kerry Returns From Israel, No peace talks yet, but they enjoyed his company more this time.
No peace talks yet, but they enjoyed his company more this time.
 
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Taliban Negotiations Hinge on Safe Return of Bachmann to Earth
Taliban Negotiations Hinge on Safe Return of Bachmann to Earth
 
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FBI Evacuates Delaware in Search of Hoffa
FBI Evacuates Delaware in Search of Hoffa

Dover, DE— Delaware was declared a state of emergency today after the FBI had the region dug up and scoured as part of the Feds expanded effort to find Jimmy Hoffa. The decision to evacuate the state came on a tip from a credible homeless person from Baltimore. The FBI claims his cardboard sign read: Hoffa’s in Delaware: Will Help Find Him 4 Food.

FBI head nominee, James Comey, has already assumed command, "I know I haven’t been confirmed yet, but it’s a mere formality. Our inability to find Hoffa has been a black eye for this institution. It’s a disgrace. My first order of business is to find this guy so we can get on to the peoples’ business, like maybe finding Amelia Earhart."

At this hour thousands of displaced Delawarean refugees are flooding over the borders into Maryland and that other state that borders Delaware. (Sorry, Google Maps is down.)

Barack Obama said, "If this was a bigger state we would never have attempted something so evasive. But there is no way to imagine America without Delaware, and this great city will rise again."

When reporters pointed out how that was just a recycled Bush speech after Katrina, Obama said, "Yeah, I forgot to change city to state. Crap."

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Acronym Scandal Kit Score (ASKS):
Acronym Scandal Kit Score (ASKS)

Benghazi: WTF?

Solyndra: MGEIP (More Green Energy Investments, Please)

Fast & Furious: HST (Happening Since Truman)

NSA: MPB-GOP (Made Possible By GOP)

AP: MPB-GOP (Made Possible By GOP)

IRS: NLWH (No Link to White House)

Scandal Score Meter Reaches “Meh”

 
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Israeli Site Rape or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Surveillance
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I don’t understand why this whole NSA thing is a scandal. Don’t people watch the news, Fox or otherwise? How many times have people gotten nailed for sexting, porn site cruising, or questionable phone usage? Why is this news? You’d have to be an idiot to think that the Big Brother ain’t watchin’. Orwell was right, except 1984 just turned out to be a lame Van Halen album.

Eric Holder’s I Purged Myself Today Tops Charts
Eric Holder’s I Purged Myself Today Tops Charts
Better than his We Are Never Ever Getting Back the Freedom
 
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GOP: Debt, Delusion, and Drudge
Mick Zano

Historically liberal presidents have kept social programs afloat while lowering deficits. President Obama had the hardest time, for obvious Reagans, but it’s finally working (sorry, couldn’t work Bush into that one). The GOP, on the other hand, is forever shifting all resources to a handful of people while turning our country into a deficit-ridden slum. The fact none of them have deciphered their own mission statement, not to mention their own historical record, is a testament to the Matt Drudge’s of the world.

Bloomberg Responds to Operation: Glazed Donut Greasewich
Bloomberg Responds to <i>Operation: Glazed Donut Greasewich

New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg is calling Dunkin’ Donuts’ decision to release their glazed donut egg sandwich as a clear escalation in his War on Sweeteners. Bloomberg is willing to overlook this rogue, doe-fryer’s flagrant misspelling of both Dunking and Doughnuts, but he is drawing the line over their latest cholesterolic folly, the donut sandwich.

"This is an unholy alliance that could bring greasy foods and sugary products together like never before," said Bloomberg. "They’re even adding bacon to their latest code-blue menu option. Our children are in danger, our families are in danger, and this recklessness even threatens our entire healthcare system as a whole!"

In response to this crisis, Mayor Bloomberg intends to divert a significant amount of NYPD presence to all of the local donut shops, which he feels, "Won’t cost the city too much as they are usually there anyway."

Anyone believed to be purchasing more than one egg/bacon/donut sandwich thingie (EBDST) with the intent on eating them will be shot dead, which Mayor Bloomberg considers a "mercy killing".

"Look, they’d die soon anyway," said Bloomberg, "and this way is much easier on the healthcare costs."

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Threatening Letters to Bloomberg Test Positive for Saccharin
Threatening Letters to Bloomberg Test Positive for Saccharin

New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg has received countless packages and envelopes containing everything from sugar, to Splenda, to other dangerous carcinogenic sweetners. The Department of Homeland Sugarity stated many letters were smeared with thicker substances like icing, fudge, and Boston cream. For Bloomberg the most disturbing incident involved a sweetacide bomber, who poured Mountain Dew into the Mayor’s morning coffee. As a result, the Mayor is starting an elite NCIS division (No Confection In State).

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters today, "People who are trying to get me hooked on high fructose corn syrup are going to jail. I am declaring a War on Sweetners. I believe a Jihadist sweetner cell may already be operating in the tri-state area. It’s a fat people fatwa. And if I find the bastard I’m going to suecrose them for every penny!" He then turned to a heckler and said, "Yeah, Fruc-u-tose, sir! And, for the last time, I am not going to Do the Dew, it’s not the Real Thing, and I am certainly not going to Obey My Thirst. Listen up, you roly poly junk food junkies: when you walk out of a Krispy Kreme, I’ll be there, when you smuggle a Big Gulp over the New Christy border, I’ll be there, and by gum...don’t even get me started on gum!"

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GOP Scandal Factory in Honduras Collapses, Killing 47
GOP Scandal Factory in Honduras Collapses, Killing 47

Honduras—Three years ago the GOP outsourced scandal-creation to a company based out of a sex and organ-trafficking sweatshop in an area of Honduras known as the Badlands. The GOP is not happy with the quality of the scandals they’re receiving, nor the quantity. Yesterday the largest creator of imaginary scandals for republicans collapsed, killing 47 workers.

House majority leader John Boehner, saddened by the news, sprang into action, "We are in daily contact with the facility’s management and every step is being taken to shift production to a more suitable location."

When asked about the deaths, Boehner said, "They’re not Americans; am I missing something? Look, creating these scandals so far south...let’s just say, we’ve made the most political hay possible with those received, but American made Obama scandals would be more ideal—and we need em’. Hell, we’re starting to look like idiots. I don’t even understand the Benghazi thing and we paid top dollar for that crap. Then they tried to make good by selling us the IRS scandal, which has no links to the White House. We’re returning that shit. And don’t even get me started on ACORN and that birth certificate thing. That was a twofer, F#@%king Hondurans."

The GOP’s long term goal is to pass the Affordable Scandal Act while simultaneously lowering the minimum wage so that scandal-creating factories can be successful built right here in the United States.

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Scandal Quest: Would the Real Scandal Please Stand Up
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I would rather be inside a besieged embassy right now donning a certain Danish cartoon T-shirt than discussing Benghazi again, but if six months of endless headlines haven’t really netted you anything meaningful, please stop. People with a reading comprehension above a squirrel don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Make love not scandals. Besides, new scandals are emerging with teeth. Clue Alert: they’re being covered by something called "the media".

NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll
NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll

Washington, DC—The Neil Armstrong statue at Purdue University is being hauled away to be sold as scrap metal in an effort to "keep the lights on" claimed former astronaut and current NASA board member, Sally Ride.

"We tried a lot of other cost cutting measures first, scrapping the shuttle program, scrapping any future projects, and even closing our salad bar," said Ride. "Hell, we don’t even get glossy pictures back from the Hubble anymore and soon we’re going black and white only."

NASA’s brochure now reads, "Hey, most of space is black and white anyway, right?"

The Carl Sagan Memorial in Ithaca is also being targeted for some gold trim in the modest obelisk’s surface designs. "We wish there were more Sagan statues," said Ride. "We’d need a billion of ‘em," she said before laughing uncontrollably at her own joke.

As for their Rover Program, NASA is also cutting Opportunity loose. "It costs a lot of money to get messages back and forth from Mars every day and, frankly, we’ve used up all of our minutes this month anyway," said Ride. "Maybe it can find what’s left of its counterpart, Spirit, and finally settle down in a nice crater somewhere. We’re not paying their pensions, though. Screw that shit."

For the Discord’s really inappropriate rover coverage click here.

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Angered Christie to Fight the Next Sandy with Sand!
Angered Christie to Fight the Next Sandy with Sand!

Longbeach Township, NJ—Governor Chris Christie explained to reporters his idea to build a 127-mile sand bar off the coast of New Jersey to act as a natural barrier to protect his state from the next superstorm. To appease Republicans he’s calling it the Liberty Sand Bar & Grill.

Many residents fear the dune will become a boardwalk. To these critics Christie said, "I have no interest in building anything other than a dune. I don't want to build a road, I don't want to build a shower, I don't want to build a hut." He then recited the second half of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, adlibbing at times with gems like, "I will not build it in a ditch, I will not build it on some bitch. I will not build a dock or tram, I’m not building shit, so F^&%ing scram!"

According to witnesses, the Governor then turned green, picked up the nearest vehicle, and hurled into an adjacent building.

After calming down, he recited part of Churchill’s speech, "We will fight storms on the beaches, and the landing grounds, yada yada." He then later warned, "Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t vote for me when I’m angry."

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Bush Library Added to List of War Crimes
Bush Library Added to List of War Crimes

Washington, DC—All five living presidents attended the opening of the George W. Bush library to what our 43rd President called his new "liberrasey", which was so badly pronounced even after several attempts Microsoft Word remained suggestionless. 

Bush then added, "The whole liberry thing is mostly scratch-and-sniff and you can talk anywhere you want, even in the quiet sections, because of my ongoing dedication to freedom."

The Library is complete with a Torture wing, an Unnecessary War wing, and a How to End the American Dream Wing. "And, no, I’m not sorry about anything," added Bush. "Heck, that’s a wing too!"

An exact replica of Rodin’s The Thinker, only with Bush’s sculpted face, greets arriving visitors. These areas are all displayed to the stunning backdrop of larger-than-life size images of Bush "decid’n stuff" in the background. On the overhead speakers blares a breathtaking rendition of My Pet Goat, just as George Bush recited it to children on 9/11 as lower Manhattan and the Pentagon burned.

The Bush Library is already being sued by the ACLU for actions they consider "unbecoming of a library." There are strict rules listed on the back of each library card warning visitors that any failure to return material could result in heavy fines, deportation, or even enhanced Dewey Decimal techniques banned by the Geneva Conventions.

"This is my shit," said Bush. "Paid for by people just like you...well, of the dumb variety, heh, heh. Treat my shit with respect and enjoy the freedom all my decisioning made possible."

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School Fieldtrip Visits Last Moderate Republican
School Fieldtrip Visits Last Moderate Republican

Augusta, ME—Last week, Mrs. Donavan’s 10th grade class made the trip all the way from Gloucester, Massachusetts to Augusta, Maine to see the last moderate Republican in the country, Senator Susan Collins. The class made the 160-mile journey in a bus that runs on switchgrass, recycled cow manure, and love.

"Senator Collins was wonderful," said Mrs. Donavan. "She spoke in complete, unbroken sentences and almost made sense on several issues. In other words, by this time next year she’s toast. These children will grow up in a world where Republicans are all barely literate, ultra-conservative Christian soldiers. This was perhaps the last chance for them to actually speak to one...um, who can speak."

The teacher wanted to expose her students to Real America as well, "But that can be dangerous," warned Donavan. "I’d planned to follow the bus in my Prius, complete with an Obama/Biden bumper sticker. Have you ever seen a Prius without such a sticker? I believe it’s a law. Anyway, last year I was simply driving through Kansas but each time I slowed down below 65 mph I was fired upon."

Last May Mrs. Donavan considered taking her class all the way to Woodlands, Texas to visit Congressman Rob Eissler, but the Tea Party had already ejected him just prior to their visit.

"He wasn’t particularly moderate," said Donovan, "but he was about as close as you were going to get in Texas."

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After Ricin & Boston Attack U.S. To Invade Germany
After Ricin & Boston Attack U.S. To Invade Germany

Washington, DC— In the wake of the terrorist bombing in Boston and the ricin-laced letters, President Obama told reporters today he intends to unilaterally invade and occupy the country of Germany. Obama believes he has no choice now but to "bomb the crap out of those krauts."

The President said, "Bush invaded Iraq for oil and this is a much nobler cause. Germany has a great economy, they are approaching 50% solar, and the beer there rocks. We need those solar panels, so we must usurp that shit!" Obama later explained to Republicans that usurp means, "When you take something wrongfully by force." He then used the example of the 2004 election.

For many, the second stage of Obama’s plan to invade Turkey seems less linear. "There’s some nebulous connection between Turkey and Boston Chicken," explained Obama. "At least from a word association angle, so I’m nuking me some bird. Look, it made sense in my dream. Just be thankful I’m keeping Hagel from bombing Israel. Trust me, once Turkey is a budding democracy it will be a domino effect. Soon all the Muslim countries will abandon Allah and start worshipping the Allah mighty dollar. Heh, heh." Obama then laughed at his own joke for the next several minutes before releasing the hounds and scattering the remaining reporters.

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Seven Mythical Creatures Dead after Botched Narnian Drone Attack

Narnia—The Shuddering Wood earned its name after two violent explosions occurred earlier today.  The aftermath of a Predator Drone attack left seven innocent mythical creatures dead, dozens injured, and many others asking the question, how could this have happened in a mythical place?  The number of U.S. Drone attacks on Narnian soil has increased markedly in recent weeks, which has further strained Narnian-U.S. relations.  The Pentagon is calling the botched drone attack "a major fuck-up."  Major Fuckup was unavailable for comment. 

Four minotaurs, two centaurs, and one faun were reportedly frolicking near the western end of the Shuddered Wood when eye witnesses claim all hell broke loose.

"It was all really peaceful like and then, all of a sudden, the manure hit the windmill," said Nimienus a local faun.  "That’s not a metaphor, there’s still a clump dangling off one of the mill’s sails."

The Drone attacks were ordered after the Pentagon received what they thought to be a credible tip regarding the whereabouts of the White Witch.  President Obama called the incident "deeply regrettable" and extended his sincerest apology to Prince Caspian.  Obama hopes the White Witch will be apprehended soon and that U.S. and Narnian relations can return toward "an agenda based on mythical goals and mythical respect."

"But until then," Obama warned, "I’m dropping more bombs on that evil bitch’s ass."

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The "Media Research" Center
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love picking on the Media Research Center (MRC). I chose not to put mock quotes around the word "center", because they are the center...of insanity. I am a subscriber so I never miss one compelling post from the heart of the paranoia realms. For me the MRC, headed by Brent Bozell, equates to endless hours of free entertainment. Yeah, this is one media watchdog group that should probably be put down as rabid.

The Easter Story Cover Up
The Easter Story Cover Up

Washington, DCIf eyewitness accounts are accurate, on Easter Sunday President Barack Obama dove in front of the Easter Bunny after a car backfired near the White House. But why has his seemingly heroic act to save this holiday icon getting so little coverage? The lame stream media is completely ignoring this important story.

Christians immediately begged the question, would he have done the same for Jesus? Since the Easter Bunny is a pagan creation, symbolizing sexual prowess, many Christians believe Obama was simply protecting his Mojo.  Is this further proof Obama is a hedonistic heathen?

Republican crackpot, Rick Santorum, also believes this supports his theory gay marriage leads to bestiality. "Look at the footage," said Santorum. "While the children searched for treats, what exactly was Obama doing with the Easter Bunny in those bushes?"

Obama responded, "Santorum is splitting hares." When the groaner received endless bad press, the President later told the press, "Just be glad I didn’t go with the ‘my Peter in his Cottontail’ joke. Heh heh."

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CPAC Summary: This Time Let's Get Crazy Right!
CPAC Summary: This Time Let's Get Crazy Right! How do we sell our bad ideas to a broader audience?
How do we sell our bad ideas to a broader audience?
 
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Sequester Forces "Ramen Noodle Wednesdays" at White House
Sequester Forces "Ramen Noodle Wednesdays" at White House

Washington, DC—No one is sure if President Barack Obama gave the executive order to add Ramen Noodle Wednesdays to the menu, but staffers claim the inexpensive Chinese noodle will be a White House staple until the sequester situation is resolved.  The menu typically includes a main meal plus the soup of the day. However, Wednesdays will now consist of no main course and only Ramen Noodles as both the soup and the dessert.

When the head chef was asked if that was a typo, Cris Comerford, said, "No, with a little white chocolate and some pecans we can make the noodles into crunchy vanilla clusters. We call them Patriot Piles here at the White House. Heh, heh." When asked if the dessert will be made from the leftover soup, Comerford seemed insulted, "No, No, we serve dessert immediately after the soup. I don’t think we’d have to actually strain the leftover Ramen Noodles to make the dessert...well, unless the next debt ceiling thing goes south."

White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, dodged questions today regarding rumors the White House plans introduce a weekly Leftovers Day, which in a leaked memo, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, referred to as Operation: Search or Starve.

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Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall
Rosa Parks Statue Moved To Back Of Statuary Hall

Washington, DC— Fifty-eight-years ago in Alabama, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a segregated bus and by doing so triggered a civil rights shit storm not seen since The Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Parks apparently also never served on jury duty or returned any of her library books. Yet she was honored last week with a bronze statue that will forever reside at the National Statuary Hall. Due to a number of missteps, however, many are calling the ceremony "a fiasco". Organizers unfortunately chose to play The Beatles’ Get Back as the statue was being unveiled.

Director of the exhibit, Dan Godfrey, said, "Hey, at least we didn’t go with our original idea, George Thorogood’s Move It On Over."

About halfway through the ceremony the statue was suddenly dragged to the back of the hall by a crane, causing outrage and...er...sorry, Thesaurus.com crashed tonight.

"This was not meant as an insult," insisted Godfrey. "We were simply correcting a layout mistake. We were actually reserving that spot for Chris Christie for his work after Hurricane Sandy and he’s obviously going to need some space."

President Barack Obama told those in attendance, "We can do no greater honor than to remember and to carry forward the power of...sorry, Teleprompter.com crashed tonight."

Then John Boehner stared at the new Parks statue, sobbed uncontrollably for a while, and said, "Well, she did break the law at the time, but ditto I suppose."

Organizers admitted they also got the plaque wrong. As it turns out, Rosa Parks never said, "Get these MFing snakes off this MFing bus!"

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Hagel Declares War on Israel!
Hagel Declares War on Israel!

Washington, DC—In his first action as our new Defense Secretary, Chuck "Hamas Loving" Hagel, dropped onto a mat, praised Allah, and started his ablutions toward Mecca. Many fear Hagel, not entirely sure where his office is yet, is already preparing to unleash the full force of the United States military on "those Jewish MFs." Upon hearing the news Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu immediately expanded some settlements in the back of his pants.

Although Hagel’s military operation, Nosh & Awe, relies heavily on air and fridge raids, he is nevertheless deploying all of our openly gay military men and women to the Middle Eastern front. Each day more of our fabulous marines are being air dropped on Tel Aviv, or Ground Zero, as it is known to our Air Force. Most are only armed with rainbow targets on their backs and LGBTQ literature.

Hagel told the press, "Look, it’s simple, I have lots of enemies and by this time tomorrow I’ll have much much less. We will attempt to minimize civilian deaths, well, as much as we can after the detonation of a thermonuclear device in a country the size of New Jersey, ha, ha, ha..." He actually laughed much longer and more diabolically, but we shortened it.

Hagel, described by his children and pets as "already drunk with power", is creating extensive lists of friends and enemies. Currently torn between supporting or ending his own political party, our 24th Defense Secretary is weighing his options carefully.

"I still feel a certain affinity toward the GOP," said Hagel, while awkwardly petting a cat. "My feelings are fluctuating between giving them each a great big hug all the way to targeting them with drone enemas. I’m trying to quit the GOP. I kind of look at it like attending Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Chuck Hagel. I’m a recovering Conservative. It’s been nine days since I made a political decision based on bullshit."

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Zombienomics or Night of the Living Prez
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Washington, DC—Last night, the rotting corpses of several deceased U.S. presidents reanimated themselves in an attempt to stabilize the economy from beyond the grave and "to put an end to this Pirate Bay thing."

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part Two)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

Norquist to Unleash Government Shrink Ray!

Washington, DC—Grover Norquist of the infamous "Norquist Tax Pledge" is threatening to use a diabolical machine of his own creation. Mr. Norquist dropped out of the public eye several months ago after many began viewing his tax ideas as "stupid" and "really stupid." It is believed the tax-crazed political hack has been building a secret lab under our Capitol for many years. Deep in his subterranean layer, with only reruns of Pinky and the Brain to keep him company, the Conservative spokesman has been busy weaving his next diabolical plot. He now claims to wield the most sinister weapon since North Korea’s latest dildo-like missile fail (DLMF).

Norquist is threatening to use what he is calling his "Government Shrink Ray" on all of our largest government funded agencies and institutions.

The Obama Administrations is refusing any and all of Norquist’s demands, which among other things included Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume.

"Look," said President Obama, "if we allow him to shrink government, he already said he would strangle what was left in a bath tub. I would rather give Putin our nuclear codes or give Ahmadinejad my personal cell phone number. Besides, we would have to see some proof of this fantastic weapon."

Norquist responded, "I have actually had a smaller prototype for several years and I have already tested that once. Do you remember what happened back in April of 2010? Do you remember an agency called ACORN? MwHa ha ha ha ha!"

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Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

Gun Enthusiasts Use Zombie Threat to Justify Arsenals
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, "All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!"  This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.

The GOP: Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
By The Crank
The Crank

I got an email today from Reince Preibus, or whatever the F his name is, the head of the GOP. It seems that they now want to hear from the average Republicans—you know, people with real jobs—about how they can improve the party’s platform. I will now relate to youse’ my rather Cranky reply:

Woman Manatee Rider Added to "Manatee Offender List"

Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz' wet bar (we're sure it's one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

"The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can't seem to stay the F off the manatees," said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. "President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?"

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to "tap the glass". For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, "We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM)."

The Daily Discord's Cokie McGrath added, "Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don't think so. Why don't we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?"

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord's worst jokes of the week... "Oh, the hu-manatee!"

Kidding, we've had worse.

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GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capitol Building
GOP Furious with Obama's Permanent Changes to the Capital Building, Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
Yeah, well you should see what he did to the Lincoln Memorial
 
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Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment
Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. "A two hundred and twenty something year old fish," added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the "drone death list."

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, "I’m making a list and checking it twice...I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em."

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his....well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was "slightly impulsive," and then later blamed his actions on being "caught up in the moment."

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some "pull my trigger-finger" variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, "He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here." Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins...er, which is an affront to donuts...of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

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Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
Israel Warns The Ghetto Shaman is Within a Year of Weaponizing the New Age Movement
 
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Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
By Mick Zano
Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
Mick Zano

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, "Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?" The answer is sure...just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?
Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the "Full Palin" as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, "I think Fisties would be best."

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, "How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?"

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, "The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis."

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, "Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing."

Boehner replied, "I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo," which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, "Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House...except cookie catcher. I love that shit!"

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could "get a hole in one". After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, "The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved."

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.

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Clinton Creates Nano-Blood Clot to Avoid Testifying
Clinton Creates Nano-Blood Clot to Avoid Testifying, What will those diabolical Dems think of next?
What will those diabolical Dems think of next?
 
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After The Next Congress Recess What If We Just Change All The Locks On The Capital Building?
After The Next Congress Recess What If We Just Change All The Locks On The Capital Building?
 
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"Why did the Mayans Build the Fiscal Cliffs in the first place?"
"Why did the Mayans Build the Fiscal Cliffs in the first place?" "They were probably Republicans."
"They were probably Republicans."
 
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Elves are Ho Ho Homeless After Santa’s Reign of Terror
Elves are Ho Ho Homeless After Santa’s Reign of Terror

North Pole—Old St. Nick is up to no good again this holiday season after he effectively ended all collective bargaining rights for the elves who work in his toy factory. The toy makers are complaining about the cold working conditions, the lack of healthcare, and how they are forced to work 364 days a year compared to their "fat CEO who only works one bloody overnight!"

Santa told the press, "If they want healthcare the little bastards need to stop living so long. Raise the Medicare eligibility age to four-hundred and you won’t faze one of those little shits."

Santa is apparently still in a Yule-time rage over the election results. When asked if he was concerned about his jolly old image, Santa said, "I deliver more toys to rich kids, always have. Christmas is big business! Besides, Democrats have always been behind the War on Christmas and those damn Occupiers were here last year. They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits. The bastards all kept going on about Climate Change, like I’m going to complain if it goes from -10° Fahrenheit to -8°. Wankers! You just need to get the Snow Miser off the booze and we’ll balance the weather all right."

When asked how he got rid of the Occupy encampments, Santa replied, "As it turns out Bumbles apparently do bounce, at least they do down at Christmas Town’s red and green light district. Ho ho ho bags. You should have seen the looks on those barely employable liberal faces. And if any of you hippie bastards try that shit again I’ll have the Winter Warlock freeze your beards to my sleigh runners!"

He then ended the interview with a joke, "What’s the difference between Santa Claus and an Occupy Wall Streeter? Santa at least works one day a year. Ho ho ho!"

He actually said two jokes but the other one isn’t really appropriate for this publication.

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The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation
The Crank Weighs in On Hostess' Recent Liquidation: "Mmmm, liquidation"
"Mmmm, liquidation"
 
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Because Our Stupidity Goes to 11!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?
Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, "I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls."

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, "Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters."

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

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Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"
Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. "We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains."

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, "We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla."

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, "Sometimes, yes, other times not so much."

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We Should Win A Pulitzer for This!
We Should Win A Pulitzer for This! Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
Check our NRA version, "From my cold, dead Ho-Hos!"
 
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Apu Weighs In On Hostess Debacle
Apu Reacts to Hostess Going Chapter 11, "Almost as bad as the Great Squishee Shortage of ‘97"
"It's almost as bad as the Great Squishee Shortage of '97"
 
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You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
By The Crank
You Bastards! You Blew It All to Hell!
The Crank

I sit here today with a heavy heart, a fogged mind, and one hell of a headache. After barely recovering from the tragic turn of events on Election Failure Day, I am faced with yet another piece of the puzzle from Uh-mericuh—a land without liberty, a land without riches, and now…a land without Twinkies. I was not ready for yet another blow to my rather tenuous grasp on sanity, but this one really takes the cake (sorry).

I Remember A Time When Scandals Weren’t Imaginary
I Remember A Time When Scandals Weren’t Imaginary, and they were made right here in America
And they were made right here in America
 
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Twitanic
Twitanic, LIVE HO-HOs! LIVE!
 
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Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour
Obama Ramps Up Next Apology Tour

Washington, DC—For his 2nd term, President Barack Obama has decided to just piss off Republicans. He doesn’t feel our system is horribly functional right now, so annoying the GOP is his highest priority. He started by bowing to Admiral General Aladeen, the Tyrant of Wadiya, earlier today. Obama plans to spend lots of taxpayer money while bowing to other world leaders across the globe.

Obama told reporters, "Look, instead of helping to fix the damage they caused, the GOP made its primary mission to make me a one term president, so screw ‘em."

Vice President Joe Biden plans to create an actual death panel for the Affordable Care Act. They will have the power to, not only deny treatment for certain conditions, but they will have the authority to eliminate targeted healthy people as well.

The President plans to go on a nonstop world vacation in the guise of a business trip. "Not only am I going to bow to everyone and anyone," said Obama, "I may do some oral sex photo simulations as well. And this term we’re really going to focus on hindering small businesses. Enough of this tax breaks and helping them shit. I may even park my motorcade in front of some to block traffic. The best part is, we’ve designed a machine that allows food stamps to literally fall out of my ass while I walk. Heh, heh."

When asked what he would be apologizing for this round, the President said, "Biden." He then added the word, "Duh."

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You Don't Have Romney to Kick Around Anymore
You Don't Have Romney to Kick Around Anymore, Thank the comedy gods Bachmann is still in
Thank the comedy gods Bachmann is still in
 
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Dear Fox News
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters
Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement "several hundred times".

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, "Have you voted yet?!" and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, "You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!"

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, "I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill."

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

"I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers," said Rove. "You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!"

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called "Joker and Two-Face", which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.

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Klingons Mourn the Loss of a Kindred Spirit Today
Klingons Mourn the Loss of a Kindred Spirit Today
Klingons Vow to Avenge Romney!
 
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"Voting neo-fascist or neo-Marxist?" asked Piglet. "I prefer Neo from The Matrix," said Pooh.
 
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Paul Dunk, On Assignment, Massachusetts
By Paul Dunk
Paul Dunk

CDC, Atlanta—Scientists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta are set to announce on Friday a link between televised political ads and the recent nationwide outbreak of lung infection. A spokesperson at the CDC, Eileen DuBonnet, said to expect more details at Friday’s press conference, but that the findings are "based on surveys taken by over 18,000 citizens who have fallen ill at some point during the past two months." These victims, according to DuBonnet, are experiencing symptoms ranging from a "dry, hacking cough," to, "thoughts of suicide."

I Hope Mitt Lets Me Out Of His Binder Soon
I Hope Mitt Lets Me Out Of His Binder Soon
 
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Surviving in a Post-Truth World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What if Romney wins? How will that impact our already tenuous grip on reality? What the hell happens when we institutionalize the House of Rove? A place where people can say anything, minus fact-checkers, minus any objectivity, minus any political consequences for lying? We already have that, it’s called a spoof news site—well, some consequences, but we’ll leave the Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise lawsuit out of this.

Entire Focus Group Thinks Romney Won Last Debates
Entire Focus Group Thinks Romney Won Last Debates

Washington, DC—Fox News’s Minister of Meme Management, Dr. Frank Luntz, has officially laid the coveted Goebbels’ Egg today. Dr. Luntz, an integral part of the Republican bubble of non-reality, is best known for his ability to harness every American’s inherent stupidity.

"We vote 80% on emotion and 20% on intellect and that last number is just too high," warned Luntz.

This pollster of pollsters, this inventor of the unfocused group, this "it’s not what you say, but what they hear" steaming pile of propaganda is thrilled with recent developments. "It’s remarkable," said Luntz, "I have hatched an entire group of Americans who think Romney, despite his poor performances, actually won the last two debates. This is beyond my wildest expectations. Nearly half the country doesn’t even think Romney lost a single exchange...even last night when several times he said the President’s policies haven’t worked and then paraphrased the President’s policies...even the one before that when the moderator corrected Romney in real time and told him to ‘sit the F back down, bitch.’"

For years Karl Rove has used Dr. Luntz and his minions to foment this alternate universe and their hard work has finally paid off.

When asked who he thought actually won the last two debates, Dr. Luntz said, "This is not about opinions. This is not even about the proliferation of bullshit. This IS bullshit! Plato’s bullshit! The archetypal steamy mound of emotional metaphors. Your brains, your thoughts, your views are all mine. Mine! Mwahahaha!"

Karl Rove was unavailable for comment. He was rushed to the hospital earlier today with an erection that has lasted for more than four hours.

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Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
Could you imagine what would have happened to Palin if they'd unleashed the Biden in 2008?
 
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Mitt Romney Has the Invisible Plan
Mitt Romney Has the Invisible Plan, Opening January 20, 2013 (maybe)
Opening January 20, 2013 (maybe)
 
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Romney Courts the Undead Vote
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
By Mick Zano
Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the "Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s" request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
By The Crank
First Lady Declares Obesity "The Greatest Threat to National Defense"
The Crank

Shortly after the re-inauguration of Barak Obama, I was in line at Carl’s Jr. when they came for me. I had heard about the banning of large drinks in New York and thought, "Wow, good thing I live in Arizona." People here don’t like so much Government involvement in their daily lives. That’s why Arizona has a stockpile of weirdness. We were free to be as weird as we wanted and we like it that way. After all, true freedom is the freedom to not be like everyone else, even when that means having no brains. It’s who we are.

Are We Better Off Than We Were Four Years Ago?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Umm, let me think (cue squiggly flashback sequence): I had just lost everything in the stock market, I was doctor shopping for benzodiazepines, and after I drank myself to sleep each night with a bucket of vodka, I prayed to the God Yig that Bush wouldn’t start a land war in Iran. Umm, yeah, I’m thinking a tad better. Now I’m in therapy instead of abusing valium and I’m almost completely off the vodka...er, well, I do occasionally chug hand sanitizer when my sponsor isn’t looking.

Tomb of the Unknown Candidate
Tomb of the Unknown Candidate, Let no man say he did not give 53%!
Let no man say he did not give 53%!
 
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Romney Campaign Blaming Chief Strategist
Romney Campaign Blaming Chief Strategist, In his defense, he did already fire Dr. Evil
In his defense, he did already fire Dr. Evil
 
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Limbaugh on DNC: A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!
Limbaugh on DNC A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!

Palm Beach, FL—Rush Limbaugh is not backing off The Discord’s totally fictitious headline today. But come on, Rush, you were thinking it. After last night’s Democratic National Convention, Limbaugh also tweeted, "I’m just calling a spade a spade" and "I wish those bitches' parents had used birth control!" Come on, Rush...admit it, you blankety, blank, blank!

A note from Mick Zano:

Sorry about that. Getting into Rush’s brain brings me to a dark place sometimes. While on a road trip yesterday, I unfortunately subjected myself to hours of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity. None of them addressed a word of Clinton’s speech. Not a word. Umm, sorry to burst your bubble, literary, but your entire economic worldview was dismantled in 48-minutes by a man who actually balanced the budget. Oh, he also said how the GOP keeps lying all the time and now lives comfortably in an alternate reality. Sounds like he reads The Discord.

Instead of addressing Clinton's damning economic appraisal of conservative "ideas", the right wing media chose instead to cover the Dems flip-flopping on removing "God-given" from their platform language. This was their coverage ALL day. Sure the Democrats understand, as our founding fathers did, the need for a separation of church and state, and sure there's a growing number of atheists out there, so what? But how about a compromise? I know, that's a joke too. But I'll tell you what, we’ll leave the part about the magic Santa-like man who lives in the clouds in our platform, if you add science and arithmetic to yours!

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GOP Diagnosed: Let the Healing Begin!
GOP Diagnosed: Let the Healing Begin!

A team of psychiatrists led by Dr. Sterling Hogbein of Hogbein Institute and Buffet have used the DSM-IV (Diagnostic Statistical Manual) to successfully diagnose the entire GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Head of the American Psychological Association, Dr. John Oldham, added, "Republicans primarily suffer from a personality disorder, which is fairly untreatable. Whereas rigidity of thought remains pervasive in this group, we added the Cognitive Disorder NOS to the Axis I primarily so we could bill Medicaid for the evaluation."

Dr. Hogbein remains more hopeful, "We do have a cluster of personality disorders here, a rare Cluster-F, actually. We could have picked borderline, anti-social...really any of them can apply during any given news cycle, but if Fox News and AM radio agreed to start broadcasting non-stop DBT therapy sessions, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it could at least raise the average Republican to a level where they can safely navigate the community."

If this doesn’t happen, Dr. Hogbein and Dr. Oldham agree the Republican’s prognosis poor. "It’s not uncommon for self-harm behaviors to start occurring, like supporting big oil or blocking climate change policies, which we’re already starting to see happen," said Dr. Oldham.

The Psychiatric community fears things could culminate in a fit of histrionics not seen since that last Hannity episode. "And involuntarily committing approximately 40% of our society poses some logistical issues for sure," added Dr. Hogbein. "But let’s start with Bachmann and see how it goes."

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GOP Reveals Its Vision
GOP Reveals Its Vision, Warning: don't wear if you're from this reality
Warning: don't wear if you're from this reality
 
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If This Is Going To Be A War of Ideas...
If This Is Going To Be A War of Ideas, isn't it time Republicans got some?
..Isn't it time Republicans got some?
 
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Floridians Brace for Waves of Stupid Ideas, Wind
Floridians Brace for Waves of Stupid Ideas, Wind

Tampa, FL—The Republican Convention is set to go, but the weather is turning ugly in Tampa and so is the rhetoric. The GOP is honing its policies and positions into one focused, laser-like-beam of bad ideas. Majority Leader John Boehner said, "Never mind the weather, we have so many bad ideas we may need a bigger venue to fit them all anyway."

When asked about Todd Akin’s ban after his controversial rape remarks, Boehner said, "Look, a lot of us have the same views. It’s not about the dumb ideas themselves—we embrace that shit. For example have you seen Paul Ryan’s budget proposal?—but we support only bad ideas that win elections, not ones that lose them."

Mitt Romney immediately distanced himself from Boehner’s remarks. "I don’t think bad ideas are the way forward," said Romney. "Having ‘no ideas’ is the approach that resonates with real America. Being completely devoid of any viable position whatsoever is the way to go. If we open our mouths, we’re toast. In fact, I plan on missing all the Obama debates by contracting some type of botchalism."

Romney later corrected his statement, "I meant botulism, but I haven’t decided between that or West Nile Papyrus."

Saying something stupid, but getting a bounce in the polls, is fine with the GOP, but if you lose support with said dumb idea then it’s hast la vista baby. On a related note, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is also banned from attending the GOP Convention.

"We really don’t want anyone attending from California at all," said Romney, "unless it’s Nancy Pelosi in piñata form."

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The Other Grover's Tacks Pledge...
The Other Grover's Tacks Pledge..."I'll remove these when Cookie Monster can eat what he wants!"
"I'll remove these when Cookie Monster can eat what he wants!"
 
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Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program
Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program

Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, "I’m takin’ em, bitches." Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press "whatever it takes." He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of "an important conspiracy operation thingie." Obama told reporters, "All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism."

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. "I will overturn the 1st and 2nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er...a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood," said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, "All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney...especially the Scalia part."

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.

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Bachmann’s Attack Finally Reaches Fabled "Ass Ceiling"
Bachmann’s Attack Finally Reaches Fabled "Ass Ceiling"

Washington, DC—Last April, progressive liberals sent director James Cameron on a deep sea mission to explore the depths of Republican hypocrisy. He failed. Having reached Dick Cheney’s moral compass at 35,000 ft, the director and explorer was forced to resurface. Despite a sea of ridiculous statements over the last decade, no attempts from within the Republican Party has ever been made to reel in these right wing extremists...until now.

Cameron said this week, "I could swear just before I started my ascent I saw two crazy eyes staring up at me from the abyss. Now I know who it was."

This week Michele "crazy eyes" Bachmann missed one too many Risperdal consta injections and started an all out attack on Hillary Clinton’s Muslim aide, Huma Abedine. Despite her very Jewish husband, or evidence of any kind, Bachmann claims she has clear ties to the Muslim Brotherhood.

Bachmann told reporters, "I don’t understand, I’ve never needed any evidence before?" The Minnesota Congresswoman has no idea why all of a sudden facts matter. "I never got that memo! Don’t you people watch Fox?"

In Bachmann’s defense, navigating the bubble of non-reality called Fox News for so long can actually change brain structure itself. Problems can occur if and when someone attempts to venture back to Earth. During Fox interviews, she would always arrive tablu rasa—in an almost Zen-like state of ideological drivel. When she handed her crayon-scribbled psycho-babble over to one of the show’s producers, they simply recreated it to the best of their ability using some type of computer program, possibly PhotoShop.

Bachmann added, "Besides, Obama’s killing all the really bad Muslims and my McCarthy-esque bigotry and hatred needs to be directed somewhere, bitches."

OK, in all fairness to the Congresswoman, we added the word ‘bitches’ but it was clearly implied.

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Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?
Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous "Richard Dryfuss incident."

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species...but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

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Dawn of the Dumb: A Look Back to 2012
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In the year 2050 The Daily Discord is celebrating its 42nd anniversary and its one thousandth page view! Whoot! Whoot!...that’s almost 25 a year! We would like to look back to the time of the Discord’s inception—a time of turbulence, a time when humanity turned away from logic, reason, science, and a hit television show known only as Glee.

Mubarak Lives but Hasn't Gone Near the Hamster Wheel or his Water Bottle for Days
Mubarak Lives but Hasn't Gone Near the Hamster Wheel or his Water Bottle for Days
 
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Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"
Zuckerberg Lowered into Hole Until "It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin"

Menlo Park, CA—Wall Street giant, Gordon Gekko, has decided on a proper punishment for the recent Facebook trading disaster. The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, was lowered into a hole yesterday by infamous serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from Silence of the Lambs fame. Zuckerberg is sentenced to remain in the hole and will continue to "rub the lotion on its skin" until Facebook stock climbs back to at least 25 dollars a share.

Mr. Gumb explained to Zuckerberg, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again." Mr. Gumb has thus far ignored the prominent CEO’s pleas of generous payoffs and/or sexual favors. If stocks dip below ten dollars a share, Mr. Gumb plans to bring a whole new meaning to the word Facebook.

Mr. Gekko believes these tactics will help avoid poorly planned Initial Public Offerings, and should all but eliminate such trading glitches moving forward. Mr. Gekko went on to tell reporters, "If this shit doesn’t recover, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. And when Romney wins the 2012 election, I plan to celebrate by wearing Zuckerberg’s face on my fucking face!" He then made an obscene cupping gesture and said, "Regulate this, Obama."

When asked if his famous quote was inspired by the Ghetto Shaman’s signature work The Tao of Skullfucking, Gekko replied, "No way," but later admitted to reporters, "But it is a good coffee table book for sure."

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The Fudge Report: The Disservice of Matt Drudge
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I chose June 3rd to interpret Matt Drudge’s sad, ideological nonsense over on The Drudge Report. For those of you non-Drudgers, this guy cherry picks headlines designed to embarrass the President and reorganizes information in the guise of a news site. These headlines seem damning and they often paint quite a picture. What they don’t tell you is the artist of said picture has been huffing the paint fumes.

Ron Paul Admits to "Partial Erection" after U.S. Announces Aid Cuts to Pakistan
Ron Paul Admits to "Partial Erection" after U.S. Announces Aid Cuts to Pakistan

Springfield, VA—This week’s announcement from the White House that aid to Pakistan will be cut $33 million was followed by a proud statement from Ron Paul’s headquarters in Springfield Virginia.

Paul pole supporter, Peter Johnson, told the press, "Our fearless leader reported considerable wood after the exciting news." He went on to call this a "half mast event" not seen since the Republican’s full-blown attack on Planned Parenthood funds.

Ron Paul later confirmed initial reports, "A partial erection at my age represents a significant amount of blood flow to my penis."

His son, Senator Rand Paul, is concerned, "If they cut all aid to other foreign countries and then send our troops home, they might have to rush my dad to the hospital again."

Were that to occur, Mr. Paul agreed the Washington Monument would have some competition, and he vowed, "If I do get a full erection, I will personally screw the Federal Reserve into the dirt."

Paul is denying rumors his slogan has been changed to "I might have lost the election, but not my—."

"Hardly," said Paul.

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Bush Celebrates Memorial Day by Skipping Out on Tab
Bush Celebrates Memorial Day by Skipping Out on Tab

Amarillo, TX—When the tab for his party arrived, George W. Bush was already heading for the door. What could be a more poignant way to celebrate Memorial Day, he thought, than to skip out on the tab? Our former President and his guests rushed out of Amarillo’s premiere meatery, the Big Texan Steak Ranch, leaving a nearly $200 tab unpaid.

Our former President later told reporters, "For me Memorial Day is a special kind of day when we celebrate those special kind of voters who got me re-elected. And leaving without paying was a fitting gesture."

When asked why, Bush said, "Look, Memorial Day is about celebrating the past. If you’ll remember, I didn’t really pay for anything during my presidency either, social programs, wars, hookers, nothing. This was a special day of remembrance...and I remember not paying for anything."

When asked if this is in honor of missing most of his National Guard duty during the Vietnam War, Bush smiled, "I wouldn’t say I missed it, heh heh heh."

Dan Rather was unavailable for comment.

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David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
By Mick Zano
David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Always on the job, I attended the David Sedaris show on Friday April 27th over at glamorous NAU. Sedaris is supposed to be an autograph-friendly-legend (AFL), but one person was clearly gypped. You might be wondering who? I was supposed to ask him some questions that I scribbled down on the ride over. The plan was to ask him as many of these questions as possible until his bodyguards dragged me or him away. Then I would categorize our brief, yet turbulent encounter as "an interview"...you know, the usual.

Man Who Lost Everything on Facebook Investment Vents on Twitter
Dave Blotchenski

Indianapolis, IN—E*Trader and yuppie wannabe, Dave Blotchenski, lost most of his retirement money this week after investing in the ill fated Facebook wave.

"I just thought, hell, I’m on Facebook all the flippin’ time, so is everyone else," said Blotchenski. "Besides, Facebook promised to create thousands of new millionaires, and guess who was the first of my friends to like? Isn’t that worth something anymore? Now every time I see that little E*Trade baby I want to kick him in his pre-toddler face."

Upon news of the massive dip in the company’s stock, Blotchenski tweeted, "Help! I lost it Al! I have officially bought the FarmVille!"

He meant to type, "I lost it all" but later blamed the typo on a combination of insomnia and household inhalants.

His pleas did not fall on deaf ears as several Facebookers came to the rescue by leaving important comments like, "Did you see the Ranger/Devils game last night?" and "You lost it Al? Who’s Al? LOL" and "You said you’d help me acquire a FarmVille tractor, bitch?!" Four others inexplicably liked his comment.

Mr. Blotchenski admitted after stocks fell to 38 dollars a share, he considered virtual suicide. "I just wanted to unplug everything, all of it, and maybe go outside."

To the horror of his family, who were completely engrossed in X-Box 360 at the time, Mr. Blotchenski was last seen heading to a park with a baseball bat and a mitt. Having no idea where the neighborhood park is exactly, his family has been asking if any members of his social sites have seen him.

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2012: A Space Case Odyssey
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Not sure if the Mayan Gods are returning any time soon, but I do know neither of our presidential contenders can save America in its current form. What’s the current form, you ask? One hint, Forrest Gump stepped in a pile right outside of this very Flagstaff coffee shop where I’m writing this tripe. That’s deep, Mick, real deep. Yeah, well not as deep as the pile this country stepped in..."It happens."

Seattle Five-O: Post ‘em, Zano
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Mr. Zano, I realize you, just like all politicians, cater to your base. I understand that and almost always fully support it. The problem arises when ‘your base’ refers to six or seven deeply depressed individuals in the rainiest, coldest, wettest, most depressed, most northeast corner of the United States. I also realize one more thing. You do, well, suck.

Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?
Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?

Vatican City—Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City is "outraged by the audacity of the Pope and his minions." Initially, the Commissioner was not surprised Batman ignored their city’s cries for help. "We just thought he fell off the Batwagon again," said Gordon. "He self medicates, you know. The dude has issues. But now we find out he’s responding to problems all the way in Italy?"

The Pope is denying a series of clandestine meetings occurred between his Holiness and the caped crusader. Vatican officials are also denying rumors the Pope had a Bat Phone installed in his chambers. The Vatican released a statement earlier today, calling the rumors "Bat shit crazy" and "His Holiness doesn’t even own a cell phone, let alone a Bat Phone."

An unnamed whistle-blowing Cardinal told reporters, the Pope believes, "We need to restore the Knights Templar. And who better than the Dark Knight himself to lead our new crusades into the 21st Century?"

"Batman is a vigilante," said the Pope. "His methods are dubious. We need a beacon of light, not an archetype of darkness."

When asked about the giant bat signal seen over the Tower of Passetto, the Pope said, "It’s a grail shaped beacon...like in that Monty Python movie. Jesus Christ, would you people drop this shit already?"

The Passetto acts as a secret passage from Italy into the Vatican—the perfect meeting place for the Pope and Batman to hatch their evil plots. If the Vatican is resurrecting the Knights Templar, perhaps they are enlisting the aid of all of our fictional superheroes. If the Pope recruited Aquaman, for instance, he would have armies of undersea creatures at his command! And who’s to say Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t parked outside the Passetto, right now?

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Sarkozy Bitten by Werewolf!
Sarkozy Bitten by Werewolf! Hopes to court the Vampire Diaries, Being Human, and Twilight votes.
Hopes to court the Vampire Diaries, Being Human, and Twilight votes.
 
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Onward Christian Actors
By The Librarian
The Librarian

Nothing makes me more nauseous than candidates wrapped in a flag, clutching and thumping Bibles, while pontificating on "Christian Values." Yeah, I’m talking about the current front-running Republican candidates, who fixated on inflicting their religious doctrine on every citizen in the country. Values can have any number of prefixes which are meaningless. Values are just that – values. Now, if you want valueless, just become a daily Daily Discord reader.

Cheney's Doctor Speaks Out on His Controversial Operation
Cheney's Doctor Speaks Out on His Controversial Operation
 
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Gingrich Vows to Campaign on Future Moon Base
Gingrich Vows to Campaign on Future Moon Base

Moon—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, estimates Earth’s future moon base will consist of millions of registered Republicans. The former Speaker has sealed a deal with mogul Richard Branson to start his campaign plans along the lunar surface.

"My journey begins after the last delegates are tallied in Tampa, so I will have the jump on the 2040 nomination," said Gingrich.

Gingrich has already foreseen many of the problems of this new colony. "As Pink Floyd tells us, there is a dark side to the moon so a wall must be constructed to segregate those seedier space types from the common decent hard working American colonists. This will surely become a key issue to the moon people of the future."

Gingrich is working closely with NASA engineers on specs for the first interplanetary pipeline. "This ginormous structure will suck and send all of the moon’s resources back to the Koch Brothers...er, I mean Earth."

Gingrich believes 52 delegates may be at stake in this ever important contest. "The moon will likely become a key battleground satellite and, once we terraform Mars, I will be the first politistronaut to greet these intrepid Americans and address their galactic needs."

Gingrich is already concerned both the moon and the Martian financial systems will be tied too closely to the government. "We can not allow our solar system to become a Soros system. We must prepare now to win the hearts and minds of these brave new cosmic capitalists."

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Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
By The Crank
Good Healthcare & Phoenix: Mutually Exclusive Terms
The Crank

When I knew I was leaving Lawn Guyland, I visited my long time dentist for the last time. This man had done all my dental work since the early Reagan Administration. My union dental coverage had purchased him numerous fine German and, later, Japanese cars over the years. He used to say that when I came into his office, he could hear the revving of new engines instead of air drills.

The Discord Caption Contest Winners Are:
The Discord Caption Contest Winners Are:
Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape (C. Heston)
It’s said her balls grew 10 sizes that day (Dr. Seuss)
Right idea, wrong finger (The Crank)
 
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Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
By Mick Zano
Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
Mick Zano

In hindsight, comparing John Boehner to Don Quixote isn’t very fair to Mr. Quixote. But what’s the GOP attacking now? Why are they so afraid? Even when they aren’t in power, they’re the story....a sad, sad story, yet an ever-evolving one, or in their case devolving. Look, don’t fear a reasonable amount of competence...it’s INcompetence you want to avoid. See how easy that was? Now you try to think of...just kidding, like that would ever happen.

Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?
Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition...if he had any."

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack "would only stir the hornet’s nest."

"Who knows how they will retaliate," said the Discord’s Mick Zano. "We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns."

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. "For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List," said Zano.

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Dingo Did Not Take Baby: Age Old Mystery Solved?
Dingo Did Not Take Baby: Age Old Mystery Solved? Focus of investigation now on this man
Focus of investigation now on this man
 
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New GOP Frontrunner Land of the Lost's Chaka!!
New GOP Frontrunner Land of the Lost's Chaka!! Slogan 'Yes Chaka Khan' under copyright scrutiny
Slogan 'Yes Chaka Khan' under copyright scrutiny
 
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Rick Santorum: It Takes a Sweatervest
 
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The Liz Cheney Interview: Brought to You by the Makers of Nexium
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I live in a very red state. The move was quite volitional, kind of like when I pick at a scab, or order nuclear wings, or luge naked. Yes, I’m a luger, baby, like that song. It may just be a coincidence, but I can’t get MSNBC on the telly anymore. Lately my remote skips from CNN to Fox News. True story. I’m sure this has not been orchestrated by my Governor, Jan Brewer, as I have seen both my cable company and Mrs. Brewer in action, first hand, and neither of them could pull off something this sophisticated.

Newt Gingrich Concedes Race and Endorses Younger Newt Gingrich
Newt Gingrich Concedes Race and Endorses Younger Newt Gingrich

Cincinnati, OH—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, told reporters today he is conceding the race and will stand behind a younger less baggage-heavy version of himself. Gingrich’s handlers claim the move came after he started flinging his own feces at a group of Romney supporters yesterday while on the campaign trail in Cincinnati.

"Not only do we need a base on the moon," said Gingrich, "we need time machines that can access temporal wormholes for the sole purpose of allowing politicians, like me, to step back in time and avoid the pitfalls they would later regret."

The older Gingrich plans to drop out of the race and spend more time with some of his families. Meanwhile, the younger version promises to resume the fight with new vigor "right up until the convention!"

Gingrich believes no one with any character can pass the scrutiny presidential hopefuls all face. "This is not about me. This is about getting the best presidential candidate in place to beat Barack Obama next year. I am that candidate, or I will be that candidate through some heavily funded temporal trickery."

Gingrich also explained how the "construction of this fantastic machine will create real jobs for real Americans." He finished his speech by calling himself the Once and Future Ging and then compared himself to Mother Teresa, Ronald Reagan, and that guy from Stargate...before he started flinging more feces at some nearby Romney supporters.  

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Brewer Queen of the Desert
Brewer Queen of the Desert
 
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Republicans STILL Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate
Republicans STILL Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate, This headline is as valid today as when we wrote it...427 debates ago
This headline is as valid today as when we wrote it...427 debates ago
 
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Is Gingrich Practicing his 'Knock Out' Campaign Promise on Lesser Dems?
Is Gingrich Practicing his 'Knock Out' Campaign Promise on Lesser Dems?
 
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Cruise Captain Burns Down Home During House Arrest!
Cruise Captain Burns Down Home During House Arrest!

Rome, IT—Francesco Schettino, the Captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, is being sought in connection to the fire that consumed his own apartment in Rome Monday. The incident completely torched the 17-unit apartment building in which the Captain was recently confined, pending a full investigation of his recent cruise ship tragedy.

After cooking a Franco American product for dinner, Schettino told the press, "Mistakes were made. I don’t usually cook for myself. I have people for that."

Local authorities claim, Capt. Schettino immediately called the Judge in the Concordia case and said, "The building, she is ablaze!"

The Judge ordered him back into the flaming structure and questioned why he didn’t call the Italian Fire Service first. Capt. Schettino said he tried to, but had already tripped out of the fire escape and landed in an alley dumpster, where he spent the next 45 minutes trying to find his cell phone.

"So whose cell phone are you using to call me?" asked the Judge. Schettino responded with a crackling noise as if he was losing the signal and then hung up.

Capt. Schettino allegedly tried to follow the judge’s order by reentering the building, but somehow jammed his recently recovered cell phone into the base of the lobby’s revolving door, trapping several dozen egressing tenants inside of the burning structure. Authorities claim Schettino did manage to set off a warning flare that only served to set fire to a nearby building. The Captain later admitted, "Flares seem to work best over water."

The controversial Captain also denies sailing the apartment building too close to the rocky shoreline on a request from the women in 3B. "That’s just silly," said Schettino. "And, as for the fire, it could not have been prevented. The fire extinguisher malfunctioned and shot a white powdery substance right into my face."

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One Percenter Donates $7.5 Million to Repair Washington's 'All Seeing Eye'
One Percenter Donates $7.5 Million to Repair Washington's 'All Seeing Eye'
 
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Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
By Mick Zano
Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
Mick Zano

Many are mortified how well right wing radical, Stephen Colbert, is polling in the South Carolina Primary. He’s holding at 5%, polling considerably better than John Huntsman, who since stated, "I might as well join the f*^%ing Peace Corps." Some feel this comedic surge may eventually shift Colbert into the position as the anti-Romney candidate. These same folks feel this eventuality could change life as we know it forever!

2011 The Discord’s Person of the Year
By The Crank
The Crank

Representative Anthony Weiner, or ex-rep anyway, embodies all that is wrong with the world in a nutsack—er, nutshell. Do we remember any legislation he was responsible for writing or passing? No. Has he left the world a better place? No. Did he respect the office? Well, maybe the TV show.

Obama Falls Behind on White House Mortgage Payments
Obama Falls Behind on White House Mortgage Payments

Washington, DC—President Barak Obama admitted during a press conference today that the recent rumors are true: the Obama Administration has fallen behind on its mortgage payments. However, the President is adamantly denying claims he and his family will be forced to move out of the White House and into the audio visual room at the Library of Congress.

When asked how this happened, Obama did not blame his own economic team, but instead pointed the finger at his predecessor. "You would think this bitch would have been paid off centuries ago, but old W did some kind of reverse mortgage thing that botched everything up," said Obama.

Rush Limbaugh immediately defended our former President. "Obama can’t blame Bush on this one. He has been in that house for three years. This is his mortgage and he needs to take responsibility for his own financial failings."

Ironically, Obama does not qualify for any of his own mortgage relief programs. "They suggested I fall behind another couple of payments before even applying," said Obama. "Who dreamt this shit up?"

When asked if he planned to move his family into the Jefferson Memorial, Obama said, "Too drafty. There are some good rates over at the Watergate Hotel in Foggy Bottom, but I could just see the headlines now."

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DON'T TAUNT DR. EGO!!!!
DON'T TAUNT DR. EGO!!!!
 
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Bachmann Hires North Korean Criers After Stunning Loss in Iowa
Bachmann Hires North Korean Criers After Stunning Loss in Iowa
 
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The Alan Colmes of Facebook and the Comment Thread from Hell
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following was originally an 85-post comment thread. I rarely got a word in edgewise, but a few inconvenient facts ruffled some Foxeteer feathers, right on cue. What was really funny about this dialogue—which spanned three hours and completely interrupted my pornography download session—was the fact that I was the only non-Foxeteer in the virtual jungle. I am the reason this became an 85-post thread from hell. And I’d do it again…

Cain Funds Time Machine in Effort to Not Grope Women in Past
Cain Funds Time Machine in Effort to Not Grope Women in Past
 
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Belgium Downgraded to Countrytoid
Belgium Downgraded to Countrytoid

Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.

"This could not have happened at a worse time," said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.

One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, "That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!"

The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.

"It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government," responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. "So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain," said Merkel, "but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses."

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Uh Oh, looks like that 1% has an expiration date
Uh Oh, looks like that 1% has an expiration date
 
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Stunning Volcano Spews Hot Air and Lava Miles into the Air
Stunning Volcano Spews Hot Air and Lava Miles into the Air
 
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Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate
Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is struggling with its own identity as they may well lose the 2012 election, despite a toxic economy not seen since their guy. They really haven’t been able to narrow down the field to that one candidate who will best bring about the rapture.

"We lost Trump, Beck, and Palin," said radio talk show personality, Rush Limbaugh, "anyone of whom is unstable enough to meet our needs. Then came Perry, because we thought, hmmm, only a swaggering Texan could pick up where W left off."

To the horror of the GOP, Republican candidates are imploding right and righter.

"It’s not so much their gross lack of understanding of foreign and domestic policy," said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. "That’s part of the GOP’s charm, but they’re clearly underachieving in the ever-important ‘I-would-like-to-have-a-beer-with-you’ likability scale."

"They’re just not BBQ friendly," said Limbaugh. "Perry would lose track of the conversation and then probably vomit on you. Cain would immediately start to demean and grope all of your women folk and Michele Bachmann, hell, if her anti-psychotics dip below the therapeutic dosage, she’ll be grilling your pets!"

"We despise Ron Paul for being way too correct about stuff years ago," added Hannity, "and Newt Gingrich only scores well on the ‘I-would-like-to-dump-a-beer-on-your-head’ dickishness scale. So it looks like we’re forced to go with the flip-flopping, magic underwear-wearing moderate."

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What We All Can Agree On
What We All Can Agree On
 
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Mission to Be Accomplished for Real
By The Librarian
The Librarian

In accordance with his campaign promise in 2008, President Obama has announced that he is withdrawing all American troops from Iraq by the end of this year, an amazing feat. I would expect the whole country to give him a standing ovation – were I delusional.

RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
By The Crank
RIP My Little Bundle of Nuclear Joy
The Crank

On Tuesday, October 25, 2011, the last of the United States B-53 bombs was dismantled at the PanTex Nuclear Arms assembly and disassembly plant in Amarillo, TX. A holdover from the cold war, this minivan-sized terminator of all things living or dead, or just ‘Fat Bastard’ to its dissemblers, was about 600x as powerful as the Hiroshima bomb. Amarillo was the obvious choice to mess with this thing, seeing as how no one would notice if said bomb exploded there.

Conviction Change is Real!
Conviction Change is Real!

Wolfeboro, NH—Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney warns of the stark realities of conviction change. He told the Daily Discord earlier today "‘Global conforming’ is most likely influenced by the voting activities of man. I understand how the sea levels, I mean deceive levels are clearly rising across the Tea Planet as the world grows increasingly warmer, I mean fodder," said Romney.

"Endless 24-hour news cycles impact the hot air emanating from my mouth," explained Romney. "A host of contradictory atmospheric conditions near and around the neococoon can greatly impact my views on any given topic at any given time."

Romney told reasonable Americans, in Pig Latin, how he has every intention of changing many of his positions back to sane ones, "Just as soon as I win the Republican nomination, I will make sense again," said Romney. "But until then I am forced to drink from the Cup of Stupid."

Many are concerned, this very real ‘global conforming’ phenomenon could continue to impact his actual stance on abortion, global warming, immigration, healthcare, and the need for tax revenues to reduce deficits over the weeks and months ahead.

"Look, I need to say I believe a whole host of ridiculous things to get the Republican nomination," said Romney. "Have you seen my base? They are further out there than that Branson guy’s new space station. Oh, but can you translate that into Pig Latin before posting?  Thanks."

In related news, the Foxeteers claim to be close to breaking the Pig Latin code.

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Making Fun of These Royals Means Prison or No Lunch Specials for a Lifetime
Making Fun of These Royals Means Prison or No Lunch Specials for a Lifetime

Bunghole, TH—King Bumahole of Thailand is holding a Thai born American citizen, Joseph Gordon, on charges of criticizing the local royals. Do you know what we did, right here in the good ol' U.S of A, with our Royals? We banished them to Kansas friggin’ City!

Until this man is released, the Daily Discord is prepared to boycott all Thai restaurant menu items with a spicy index below two and above four. OK, this number changes a bit from Discord contributor to Discord contributor. But this is what we call solidarity. Actually, it’s about as solidaritous as we get around lunch time. Hey, a fake journalist has to eat too.

We would now like to spend the rest of this article making fun of King Bugger-something. Oh, and we have a message for our Commander and Chief, two words...predator drone. We don’t really mean that... It would be a waste of a perfectly good predator drone. Hey, did you know that where we’re from, 'to Bangcock' something is anatomically impossible? Maybe you should rename the place after yourself, Bumahole, or whatever the hell your name is. Oh, but seeing as you’re an asshole, a predator drone might just fit...with some proper lubrication. We’re kidding! No lubrication for this asshole. I’m going to Dara Thai right now and not ordering something too spicy, or not spicy enough in protest.

We have just heard the Discord’s Chief Thailand correspondent is missing, again.

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Eric Holder's Amazon Purchases Hacked!
Eric Holder's Amazon Purchases Hacked! At least he bought some Anne Rice porn too.
At least he bought some Anne Rice porn too.
 
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I Said I Wasn’t Going to Read Zano’s Post, But, Alas, I Did
By The Crank
The Crank

Mikko, I usually forgo reading your diatribes because, well, your diatribes are no longer funny. I don’t like being sad, and you make me sad. Sad is the opposite of funny. I’m sorry, but it’s true, ask anyone. Oh, that’s right…to ask someone you’d have to be on speaking terms with them. Sorry, I forgot the whole "Zano no longer exists in our world" pledge we all took here at the ‘cord.

Planting the Seeds of Discord and Unintended Consequences
By The Crank
The Crank

Einstein once said for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction*. One smart, hairy Jew, that E fella. Sometimes, a reaction occurs that wasn’t foreseen by the ‘actor’. That is what is known as an ‘unintended consequence.’ The Daily Discord has become the unintended consequences capital of the internet lately and on the national stage…well, that’s even worse.


*Winslow’s note: I know, this is actually Newton’s Third Law of Motion from some 192 years before Einstein was born, but he's on a roll...


E*Trade Baby Attacked by Wall Street Protestors!
E*Trade Baby Attacked by Wall Street Protestors!

New York, NY—The Occupy Wall Street protests turned ugly earlier today, as the E*Trade baby was jumped and pummeled on the corner of Wall and Nassau Street in the heart of New York’s financial district.  Protestors immediately recognized the commercial celebrity and then managed to separate him from his pre-k reunion before ruthlessly working him over.

NYPD was able to intervene, but not before the baby suffered numerous bruises and possible shaken baby syndrome.

"Yeah, well you should see the other guy," joked the baby to the press today. "I told the schmucks, I said, ‘hey, I’m toddling here!’"

On behalf of the City of New York, Mayor Bloomberg apologized for the incident, "This is not what the Big Apple is all about.  Well maybe…but not with diaper-clad toddlers!"

"I was just heading over to the Capital Grille with a colleague for the pureed beef carpaccio and these goons surround us," said the baby.  "I’m like, look, dipshits, I do my transactions back home with a full back load, if you follow.  E*Trade is all about, umm, E*Trading!  I tell ya, these dumb hippies need to get their movement straight."

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Onion Copycat Case Draws Anemic Ridicule for Discord
Texas Governor Rick Perry goes on a rampage shooting puppies and boiling children
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Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord admits to releasing a picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry boiling children and shooting puppies as a cheap ploy to attract negative attention.  The stunt was patterned after a recent Onion feature of a similar vein.  The controversial Onion tweet involved reports of screams and gunfire coming from inside the Capitol Building.  The Onion followed up with a news report on their website, a place four out of five bribed comedians find not nearly as funny as The Daily Discord.

"We saw the attention The Onion got for that tweet," said CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow.  "Meanwhile, we put Jesus on a wanted poster or we host everybody Photoshop Muhammad day, and we get bupkis.  Yeah, we have no shame.  It’s just high time someone noticed. We’re as despicable as anyone out there."

Whereas Winslow is carrying on despite the lack of controversy, he isn’t happy about it.

"On a good day we get maybe three people emailing us with shit like, Tell the Ghetto Shaman to suck it! or What are you feeding the Crank, anyway?  Frankly, we deserve a lot more scrutiny than that."

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Chris Christie Should Not Run!!
Chris Christie Should Not Run!! He should walk first and work up to a slow jog
He should walk first and work up to a slow jog
 
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Nation to Cryogenically Freeze itself until Current Job Problem Solvable
Nation to Cryogenically Freeze itself until Current Job Problem Solvable

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama announced his proposal to essentially freeze-dry the entire continental United States from sunny Miami to rainy Seattle. This harsh, potentially dangerous, process will be undertaken in the hopes future economists will gain the tools and knowledge necessary to once again create American jobs.

"This isn’t about blame anymore," said Obama. "It’s about fighting the hiring freeze with a bigger freeze.  Farmers will be compensated for any crops destroyed by freezer-burn and my Cash for Carsicles program will offer government aid to any cars irreparably damaged during the process."

Republican opposition came quickly.

"This is just an attempt to extend his presidency indefinitely," said radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. "Look, the day we defrost as a nation, if this president had the courage and wisdom to step aside, he would have Republican support."

The White House used a power point presentation complete with images of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite, as well as an enthusiastic endorsement from the Snow Miser, of The Year without a Santa Claus fame.

Obama concluded the presentation by adding, "Just think of it; we could choose not to thaw Biden’s mouth, not to mention parts of Newark."

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ASPCA Mistakenly Euthanizes Tea Party Congressman
ASPCA Mistakenly Euthanizes Tea Party Congressman

Topeka, KS—Congressman Stanley Farrell (R) was reportedly very angry with allegations that the Tea Party played a key role in the stock market’s recent turbulence.  People who knew him, described him as prone to political fits and tirades.  He often barked about wanting a smaller government and lower taxes.

"He’s been just furious with President Obama’s liberal agenda," said his wife Megan.  "Last week he got much worse.  He was frothing at the mouth and chasing cars around that have progressive bumper stickers."

ASPCA workers claim he was angry, and it was hard to make sense of his anger.

"He left us no choice," said Rin Tim Tim of the ASPCA.  "We did not have any clue he was a Congressman at the time of the lethal injection…or even a human for that matter." 

The ASPCA President told Discord reporters he has no remorse.

"Look, if another furry politician comes into one of our locations and starts biting people and accusing them of being socialist-illegals, we’re going to do the same damn thing." 

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Osama Bin Laden’s Wife Claims Pot was "Mellowing him Out"
Osama Bin Laden’s Wife Claims Pot was "Mellowing him Out"

Abbottabad, PK—More and more information is surfacing about the last days of Osama Bin Laden’s life.  His second wife, who wished to remain faceless, said, "Pot was finally starting to mellow him out. He talked less about terror plots and more about the lack of any nearby convenience stores in Abbottabad.  ‘Convenience stores are supposed to be convenient,’ he would say.  Then he would laugh at jokes like that for hours."

As he began smoking absurd amounts of marijuana, he all but stopped his Facebook Meetup terror groups.  According to many, he was shifting his future goals away from Jihad toward opening a hemp stand somewhere.

"He didn’t want to kill anymore," said another wife.  "In fact, he was starting to quote John Lennon songs a lot and wanted to run off to meet that Beatles Yogi guy."

"He started running around with a new group of friends," said still another wife.  "The beatings all but stopped and no more ‘human shield’ duty on weekends.  It was nice.  He still enforced Sharia Law, but only when he managed to stop giggling."

U.S. Navy Seals are supporting these claims.  They confirm large amounts of marijuana were growing in Bin Laden’s compound and, during Operation Geronimo, he was found half baked and watching a Baywatch Marathon. 

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He Rode a Blazing Deficit
By The Crank
He Rode a Blazing Deficit
The Crank

In retrospect, as I watched the Circus Minimus, a.k.a. the debt ceiling debacle, my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do without Ritalin. Can there really be this many ideologically enslaved people all in one place? Do they really think we believe the talking points anymore? Then it all came into raging clarity as I watched Blazing Saddles for the 367th time last night. I don’t mean to offend with this culturally insensitive material. It’s Mel Brooks’ fault, honest. If you want to really be offended, check out one of my regular features.

English Bobbies to Quell Riots by Saying Stop…Again
English Bobbies to Quell Riots by Saying Stop…Again

London, GB—London Police would like to send a stern message to the rioters currently assailing their fair city.  This message is packed with sharp criticism, harsh tones, and less than subtle innuendo.    

Chief Constable Barry Higgins had this to say, "We are not only prepared to say our traditional ‘stop or we’ll say stop again’ number, but we are prepared to say stop as many times as it takes!"

The constable actually said this somewhat congenially during our interview, but insisted we add the exclamation point.  

When asked about authorizing the use of plastic bullets, Constable Higgins said, "No, but we are prepared to use bouts of sarcasm.  A focused stream of satirical quips will sting far worse than any plastic, non-biodegradable, bullets any day."

Constable Higgins has not ruled out the use of puns but only in "extreme situations" and, as for double entendres, Higgins fears they will, "Go over the head of this lot."  He therefore recommends a more mocking rancor designed to strike a devastating sarcastic blow to the heart of such common rabble.

Higgins feels the English bobby has a reputation to uphold, and that it’s "time to take a bite out of crime." He then added, "But not literally, of course."

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Perry Trump in 2012
Perry Trump in 2012, Paid for by the committee to re-elect Obama
PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO RE-ELECT BARACK OBAMA
 
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England has the right idea...
England has the right idea...
I said venti, bitch!
 
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Egypt: Mubarak Faces Lethal Dose via Water Dispenser
Egypt: Mubarak Faces Lethal Dose via Water Dispenser, All hamster ball and wheel activities indefinitely suspended.
All hamster ball and wheel activities indefinitely suspended.
 
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Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

The Romney3000 Breeched: Hackers make off with Sensitive Campaign Data!
The Romney3000 Breeched: Hackers make off with Sensitive Campaign Data!

Boston, MA—The security of the Mitt Romney3000, as seen on TV, has been compromised this week.  Hackers were able to gain access to some of the Romney 3000’s secure files while it was in sleep mode.  Romney handlers are not sure the extent of the breech, but warn sensitive data might be in the wrong hands at this hour.

"Thankfully I have nothing to hide," said one Romney3000 model.  "I have been programmed to avoid any and all scandals and to adapt to any political climate or situation." 

Original programmers for the Romney3000 envisioned the presidential candidate actually changing skin tone and dialect to match the desired audience.  The Romney3000 is also believed to be capable of adapting to extreme environments throughout the Universe, such as the surface of Mars or Tea Party rallies.

Romney handlers claim a new and improved firewall has been created to protect Romney and his other mechanical helpers.  They are also upgrading the oral filters and improving the linguistic algorithm to avoid any perception of flip-flopping.

When asked about a potential running mate, the Romney3000 said, "Team Romney will choose the appropriate humanoid running mate, preferably one with Windows compatible software."

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Bush and Cheney Deny Employing Dementors at Guantanamo Bay
Bush and Cheney Deny Employing Dementors at Guantanamo Bay

Guantanamo Bay, CU—George Bush and Dick Cheney are adamantly denying the use of Dementors in any Black Magic Ops between 2002 and 2008.   Allegations are surfacing that cruel and very unusual punishment was implemented on several suspected Al Qaeda terrorists.  One Guantanamo detainee claims they were forced to watch certain Azkaban scenes from that Harry Potter movie "Clockwork Orange style."  Another inmate said he was told Dementors circle the island and they would suck out the souls of any would-be escapees.  Some even claim that during many good cop/bad cop interrogation strategies, Dementors filled the role of bad cop. 

When asked if these Dementors might simply have been CIA agents in dark hoods, one detainee responded, "Ummm, have you ever had part of your soul ripped out through your nostrils?"

Despite the controversy, Bush stands by his enhanced enchantment techniques.

"Sure we threatened to use them, which netted us actionable intelligence.  It saved American lives," said Bush. 

But the former President denies Dementors were ever directly on the CIA’s payroll and he dismisses such rumors as liberal propaganda.

When questioned, former Vice President Dick Cheney refused to address allegations of his own involvement in an even more clandestine Secret Dementor Program.

"Why are you asking me this?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would….never mind.  Just fuck off," said Cheney.

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Murdoch Claims Fox News is "Too Biased to Fail"
Murdoch Claims Fox News is "Too Biased to Fail"

New York, NY—Rupert Murdoch is denying the possibility his troubles overseas will result in any fallout here in the U.S.   The tycoon’s handling of his News of the World scandal is under considerable scrutiny this week.  Sadly, any cover up is proving difficult as his closets are already brimming with skeletons and the last rain exposed hundreds of other corpses in his backyard.  As his British Empire buckles, Murdoch is now defending his prized possession, Fox News.

Murdoch told reporters, "We are too biased to fail.  Just imagine a hundred million people unsure about how to respond to current events?  You’ve heard of the opiate of the masses?  Well, Fox News talking points are the benzos of the bozos." 

Murdoch said, even if it is decided Fox must go, a five year wean-period would be necessary before "his viewers could muster even the most rudimentary precursors of independent thought."  Later in the interview, Murdoch warned, "If we go cold turkey, viewers could turn to something worse than Fox, something even more extreme."

When asked what could possibly be more extreme than Fox News, Murdoch said, "That show Hoarders.  You know, about those people who horde shit in their house.   That’s pretty fucking extreme."

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2007 Miss Teen U.S.A. Finalist the New Tea Party Queen?
2007 Miss Teen U.S.A. Finalist the New Tea Party Queen?

Lexington, SC—With Sarah Palin out and Michele Bachmann still trailing Romney in the polls, real Americans have become really desperate for that perfect spokesperson. The Tea Party is happy to announce they are now rallying behind a single voice—a person who best represents their values.

It all started when a Facebook Tea Party MeetUp group made a startling YouTube discovery.  They happened to play a quote from a Miss Teen U.S.A. finalist from 2007, during which she was asked, "A fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

She responded, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such…etc."

"We knew right then Bachmann and Palin had nothing on this chick," said MeetUp organizer Bess Thompson. 

Caitlyn Upton, now 22, was then approached by the Tea Party group and Upton told them, "I am honored to work with real U.S.A. Americans again, uh, on such an import Liberty Bells of freedom thing, uh, such as South Africa and Iraq, and such."

"She had me from hello" said Thompson. "Even though, technically, she didn’t say hello." 

Further questioning revealed Upton greeted the Tea People with an "uh" and a grunt, and then mumbled something about Hooters.

When questioned about her Liberty Bell comment, she replied, "When Douglas Adams climbed the Liberty Bell tower and took pot shots at the electoral college, and South Africa and Iraq and wherever.  That’s freedom, bitches!"

The Daily Discord staff admits to adding the "bitches" part.

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North Korea Boasts Capability of New Ballistic Something: Taepowoodendong-2
North Korea Boasts Capability of New Ballistic Something: Taepowoodendong-2

North Korea—Kim Jong-il remains undaunted by his country’s continued sanctions, dwindling resources, and tough economic hardships.   Despite the odds, Jong-il and his ilk have created a completely wooden missile, the Taepowoodendong-2.  This formidable projectile is believed to reach from naughty bits all the way to the liver.

When asked if the missile could reach the U.S., Jong-il stated, "I know this much, it can reach all the way to who’s your daddy now, bitches?!"

When asked how he plans to bring the U.S to its knees solely through the use of a relatively small piece of wood, Jong-il stated he planned to "get America drunk first." 

When questioned about his tactics, he became defensive, "Look, this is a long, completely unsanded ballistic dildo.  America will fear me now or suffer the dongsequences."

Jong-il went on to explain how his last statement was a play on words that may or may not translate well into English.

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No Negotiating with Teabaggerists!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are at yet another critical juncture in our history and we have dumb and dumber duking it out in DC.  This is when you have to ask yourself, do you want dumb to stop dumber (D: raising the debt ceiling and revenues and then failing to reduce spending), or do you want dumber to stop dumb (R: those forcing spending cuts only)?  Oh, did I mention there’s also dumbest (the Tea Party who won’t allow any tax increases or any debt ceiling management)?  Good times…

Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign
Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign

Wasilla, AK—Earlier today Sarah Palin announced her intentions to donate the parts of her brain associated with higher executive function to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.  The two are believed to have made a pact that if only one should run for president, the other would donate her grey matter to the cause.  Palin and Bachmann will undergo a controversial procedure previously only accomplished in film and television. 

"They will be an unstoppable force," said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill.   "Just think of it…the petty, childlike cognitions of Palin enhancing the flaky, almost psychotic neural misfirings of Bachmann.  They’ll be the perfect Republican candidate!"

Scores of flag waving morons are already gathering around Palin’s old Wasilla home with pitchforks and torches of encouragement.  Palin spent the last several hours reminding the mob, via megaphone, that her brain should only be removed at the time of the transfer by proper licensed neurocosmotologists.

The Daily Discord covered a similar story in June of 2008.   Their controversial coverage involved the conjoined Obama/Hillary ticket, O’Hillary.  Sadly, the Discord staff has yet to come up with an appropriate name for the conjoined ticket of Senators Al Franken and Diane Feinstein.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein
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Palin Announces Exit Strategy
Palin Announces Exit Strategy

Sarah Palin and her family have pulled out of Dodge and have taken their One Nation bus tour back to the frozen north.  She told the press today, "Progress against progressives has been made."  She is still leaving behind areas along the coasts that remain "safe harbors for liberal thought."

"This isn’t over by a long shot," said Palin, who then made several other gun references not meant to be taken literally. 

Palin’s bus tour exit strategy involved taking route 90 West all the way to 5 North and then on through enemy socialist territory before arriving back in real America.  Palin denies living north of the Land of Misfit Toys and refused to answer any more of the Discord’s questions.

Palin claims to have ended the bus tour after being selected for jury duty.  Critics argue this proves she is not smart enough to get out of jury duty.  When questioned about the recent poll showing how 7 out of 10 Americans feel Palin’s bus tour is heading in the wrong direction, Palin spewed more of those gun references.

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Hey, Mikko, Stop Blowing Wind up My Ass
By The Crank
The Crank

Thank you for the accolades, true that they all are. When you get old enough, and haven’t lived in a cave, usually you get smarter—usually, not always. I do know many stupid old people. It’s called education by default. Now, down to business…

Spendthra VS. Cutzilla: Battle for Earth
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I said I would move our debate forward…ummm, I lied. I’m not saying liberals are the answer, Crankster—I never have—I’m just saying your group is almost certainly never the answer, unless the question is "my toilet’s stopped up." I’m Kidding!! I have those eco-friendly no-flush types. I’m also going to refrain from any-and-all Joe the Dumber jokes.

The Last Supper: Progressive Thought and Reverse Peristalsis
By The Crank
The Crank

You know it’s too late when they start to get that glassy-eyed look—a look that can only be described as a pot head minus the beneficial "medicinal" effects. I recently went to dinner with four progressive familial units (PFU), a setting where I should refrain from speaking on any number of topics. It’s just too much to ask me to choose between Spaghetti Bolognese and terminal heartburn. I like to eat, ok. I’m circumferencely impaired. But listen, family, if you are trying to help me eat less, just keep it up. We’ll call it the Reflux Diet Plan.

On Closer Inspection, Maybe the Birthers were Right!
On Closer Inspection, Maybe the Birthers were Right!
 
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Discord Responds to Dems & Republicans...Release the CRANKEN!!!
Discord Responds to Dems & Republicans...Release the CRANKEN!!!
 
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Dems Respond...
Dems Respond...Release the FRANKEN!!!
Release the FRANKEN!!!
 
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We Have No Good Nominees? This Late?
We Have No Good Nominees? This Late? Release the KRAKEN!!!
Release the KRAKEN!!!
 
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Bin Laden Death Photo Creates More Questions than Answers
Bin Laden Death Photo Creates More Questions than Answers, has it been doctored?
has it been doctored?
 
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Due to Continued Al-Qaeda Threats to the Daily Discord...
Due to Continued Al-Qaeda Threats to the Daily Discord, our terrorist threat level was raised from Waterboarded to Shot in the Head
Our terrorist threat level was raised from Waterboarded to Shot in the Head
 
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Instead of an Islamic funeral, can't we just shove a bomb up his ass and drop him on Kaddafi?
Instead of an Islamic funeral, can't we just shove a bomb up his ass and drop him on Kaddafi?
 
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