Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 19, 2014
OCD MEETUP GROUP TO MEET AT 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM. 7PM, 8PM, 9PM, 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM, 2AM..........(MARQUEE BUFFERING) • AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." •
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Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him
Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him, You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
 
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Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
By Mick Zano
Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find Where They Left Their Car Keys
New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find where they Left their Car Keys, The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
 
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Support From Superheroes for This Site Waning
Support from Superheroes for this Site Waning
 
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Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
 
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Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
 
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Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

The Manchurian Gutter Ball
By Pokey McDooris

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack...and he bowled a 77?

Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was "fact-light". I know, I know...you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: The Plot Stiffens
 
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Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day
Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day, "Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
"Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
 
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How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas I do criticize our 44th President, the ideologically-challenged always seem to boggart such endeavors, i.e., Obama really blew it on...wait, did Boehner just say "We’ve done our work"? Or, I’m angry with Holder because...did Paul Ryan just say "I’m not preaching austerity"? For this post I will set aside my own biases as to remain focused on—OMG! Krystol just said "Obama is dangerous and delusional!" Mr. Never-ever-right? Really?

Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives
Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives, With our $50 "Gold" Membership you get a personalized Tweet
With our $50 "Gold" Membership you get a personalized Tweet
 
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Investigation Uncovers Problem With Sochi Opening Ceremony
Investigation Uncovers Problem with Sochi Opening Ceremony
 
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Star Trek V Space Case
Star Trek V Space Case
 
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Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Don’t fret about this veto thing. Look, the words Christian conscience should not be an oxymoron. Gays would be happy to go to your hell but the Pope just admitted it’s fictional. Of course, he may reconsider his position if he ever visits Mesa. As for eternal damnation for the gays, how about we just take a brimstone check?

Top 10 Guinness Pours in Tucson Revealed!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Tucson is an interesting town. I immediately got a sense of the local color here, which is beige. All color in Arizona, local or otherwise, is some derivative of beige. Upon pulling into town I was greeted by a man yelling out of his car window, "Pick a lane, asshole!" and I thought, "Wow, I’m home."

The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
 
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Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
 
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Haunted Tucson: the Hotel Congress
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

For this investigation I was forced to go it alone. The Hotel Congress wasn’t my first accommodation choice, as anything called Congress evokes a visceral response from me. In fact, while I was there I found myself strangely unable to pass anything, even with the aid of high fiber cereals.

The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future
The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future, Kidding! There are dozens.
Kidding! There are dozens.
 
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Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case
Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case, But why not pyramid shape?
But why not pyramid shape?
 
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ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments
ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments

Washington, DC—With Obamacare out of extensions, yet far below enrollment goals, the President announced his strategy to close the gap. Eligibility for full enrollments for the Affordable Care Act ends on March 31st, but until then all those seeking insurance can also sign up for Obama’s new "fun size" coverage.

Those who sign up in January, will receive an autographed Obama picture and 10% off the penalties associated with the individual mandate. "And if you act now," said Obama, "The NSA will stop listening in on your conversations for the rest of 2014!"

When cornered, Obama admitted the enrollment is symbolical and is not truly redeemable for any medical or behavioral health coverage, per se, but he urged Americans to have a heart, because the program offers some good piece of mind. "But, remember, the heart and mind aren’t really covered," said Obama.

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Journalism Lives!…umm, on the Left
Journalism Lives!…umm, On the Left
 
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Obama's Policies Continue to Baffle Millennials
Obama's Policies Continue to Baffle Millennials
 
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Finally a Sensible Bathroom Floor Sign
Finally a Sensible Bathroom Floor Sign
 
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Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines
Lines, Lines, Everywhere Are Lines. Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
Was this by Tollstoy or Tolkien?
 
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God Furious Over Latest Discord Cartoon
God Furious Over Latest Discord Cartoon
 
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North Korea Vows to Change Brown Paneling by 2015
North Korea Vows to Change Brown Paneling by 2015
“And there will be matching drapes long before then!”
—Kim Jong-Un
 
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Discord Sued for Wrecking Another Meme
Discord Sued for Wrecking Another Meme
 
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How the Grinch Stole Health Care
How the Grinch Stole Health Care, Oh, the Who-manity!
Oh, the Who-manity!
 
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Are Fish Getting Hooked the Wrong Way?
Are Fish Getting Hooked the Wrong Way? Come on! I'll give you a blowfish.
Come on! I'll give you a blowfish.
 
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Is Dumb Breaking up With Dumber?
Is Dumb Breaking Up with Dumber? I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
I don’t know but Boehner is asking for his Dylan CDs back
 
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Congregation Still a Little Cross Over Pastor Prank
Congregation Still a Little Cross Over Pastor Prank
 
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The Daily Discord Is Almost As Good As My Bat Blog
The Daily Discord Is Almost as Good as My Bat Blog
 
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Can I Please Place Sanctions on Congress?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t think Congress can ultimately impose sanctions on Iran, but it wouldn’t be for lack of trying. With patriots like these who needs Al-Qaeda? The GOP was against this deal even before they knew any of the details, which many are calling beyond a knee-jerk response. So let’s just shorten it to beyond jerks.

What Keeps Me up at Night, Besides Jolt Cola
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are all living in the same country, during the same period in history, and yet during the Age of Information we remain completely unable to agree on even the most basic issues of our time. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Meanwhile, a republican’s arsenal consists of either breaking shit or graciously offering common sense solutions...involving unicorns.

The GOP: What Doesn’t Kill Them Only Makes Them Wronger
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dear lame stream media, please stop suggesting shit to republicans. Pushing Chris Christie on them or encouraging a more moderate path for their party will only make them run harder and further to the right. There’s no point in trying to...oh, I get it! Brilliant! Proceed Governor.

Isn’t That the Pot Calling the Ketamine Crack?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I don’t understand that headline either, but don’t let that stop you. Let’s not end the War on Drugs today, let’s build a time machine and go back 20-years and end it then. Besides, a republican time machine could bring a whole new meaning to the word TARDIS. Think of the money we could save, not to mention the cost in human misery—or, as Schwarzenegger put it, come with me if you want to spliff!

Climate: Keep the Change
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the post wonderful time of the year! I keep covering the GOP’s view of climate change because, if it didn’t mean the probable end of mankind, it would be downright hilarious—Discord’s latest video hilarious. You have to hand it to these folks, they aren’t going to fall for any scientific argument. It’s a gutsy move, like cross-dressing at a Tea Party rally. Never again!

To Boldly Punch Someone in the Face
To Boldly Punch Someone in the Face, Witnesses claim.s Stewart did say: Resistance is Futile.
Witnesses claim Stewart did say: Resistance is Futile.
 
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Discord Celebrates Its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
Discord Celebrates its One Thousandth Tea Party Joke
 
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Hi I’m Daryl. This Is My Zombie Larry and My Other Zombie Larry
Hi I’m Daryl. This is my Zombie Larry and My Other Zombie Larry, Bronze Medal Winner: you could win Zano if all of your jokes weren't 20+ years old!
Bronze Medal Winner: you could win Zano if all of your jokes weren't 20+ years old!
 
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Johnny, Rosin up Your Bullshit: the Charlie Daniels Effect
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So this rightwing propagandist is making videos of ill-informed Obama supporters and then calling their stupidity: The Obama Effect. I tend to make more of a dent focusing on republican congressman and senators who actually say shit, out loud, about important issues, aka Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel need not apply.

Yoda to Host Fashion Reality Show
Yoda to Host Fashion Reality Show, "Snazzy will you become. Guarantee this I will."
"Snazzy will you become. Guarantee this I will."
 
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New Development Rocks Muppet World!
New Development Rocks Muppet World! “Mee-Mek-Mee! Meek-Me-Mee!!” —Beaker
“Mee-Mek-Mee! Meek-Me-Mee!!” —Beaker
 
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Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction
Soylent Stock Soars on D.C. Dysfunction, God, I hope it's republicans.
God, I hope it's republicans.
 
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Roddenberry's Tactics During Original Series Questioned
Roddenberry's Tactics During Original Series Questioned
 
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You’re Being Called Anarchists Because You’re Anarchists
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight. If a president is elected twice on a premise, let’s say to insure more Americans, and his or her party holds the senate and the White House—oh, and the Supreme Court gives its blessings—the minority can still defund and block said legislation because they feel strongly about it? Okay...wait, what?!

25 Conservatives: 37 Psych Diagnoses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why is the GOP doomed, you ask? I came across this list of the 25 most influential conservatives of 2013. At any given moment, nine out of ten of these folks qualify for my state’s involuntary psychiatric commitment process. But, on a good note, the Affordable Care Act should help cover their inpatient stays.

The Deplorable Care Act: ObamaCare 101
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Republicans are derailing Obamacare! Like it needed any help. Back in the day, when I directed my blogger-wrath toward those who thought the Surge in Iraq was a good idea, I, the anti-American hippy liberal I am, still prayed it would work. And I don’t pray often, unless there’s a cop behind me or I’m providing a urine sample for my HR director.

Say It With Me Republicans: Re-Trac-Tion
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The IRS "scandal" lives. Sorry, I seem to get totally sucked in every time I approach the GOP’s non-event horizon (a Barack hole?). This time I demand a retraction! Dear Fox Newsers, no one ever "refutiated" the IRS’s targeting of the Tea Party, aka, you’re new evidence is not new. But the other findings from the IRS investigation are relevant. Our next term is confirmation bias.

So What If I Pissed Off Parapsychologist Dean Radin?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dean Radin is about the most prominent parapsychologist on the planet. But as the head of the Discord’s Elite Para-Abnormal Research Team (DEPART), I pack some serious blog clout myself. We had nearly a dozen page views yesterday. But I’ll let the readers decide who won this important impromptu iPhone exchange.

The Brewery Trap: "Let’s Get a Little One"
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ— We stepped right into it—right into a Hefescheiss as it’s called in Deutschland. Clearly the powers that be wanted us to stay. For the record, it was the only time I had ever gone to Mother Road Brewery for Purposes Other Than Ale (POTA). Hey, wasn’t POTA just struck down by the Supreme Court?

COMING SOON!
EpisodeXVII, WTF?
More Videos...
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The Horny Goat Weed Question
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed?  Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east.  In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time).  On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words "enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed".  Below were the words "Proven Effective".  Proven, not just "studies suggest", or "emerging research indicates", but "proven" to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch.  What the heck?  I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items.  Who is?  But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed?

Scandal Quest: Would the Real Scandal Please Stand Up
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I would rather be inside a besieged embassy right now donning a certain Danish cartoon T-shirt than discussing Benghazi again, but if six months of endless headlines haven’t really netted you anything meaningful, please stop. People with a reading comprehension above a squirrel don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Make love not scandals. Besides, new scandals are emerging with teeth. Clue Alert: they’re being covered by something called "the media".

Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite!
By Mick Zano
Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite!

Flagstaff, AZ—Mother Road Brewing made the fatal mistake of informing The Daily Discord about an important event. On February 5th they combined forces with Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery to brew one spectacular Super Brew. It’s kind of like that Wonder Twins thing, but instead of rings they use vats. Wonder Twins activate, form of ethanol! Video preview at the end of the article!

A Victory for Gun Owners or for Gun Sellers?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

The "Media Research" Center
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love picking on the Media Research Center (MRC). I chose not to put mock quotes around the word "center", because they are the center...of insanity. I am a subscriber so I never miss one compelling post from the heart of the paranoia realms. For me the MRC, headed by Brent Bozell, equates to endless hours of free entertainment. Yeah, this is one media watchdog group that should probably be put down as rabid.

The Republican Scandal Identifier Kit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like...well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!
Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes!

Vatican City—In conjunction with God, the Daily Discord is offering cash, cars, and sexual favors (missionary style only) for the person who comes the closest to guessing the upcoming last tweet of his Holiness the Pope. Pope Benedict the whatshisface is bowing down and this time with no ill intentions toward children. He is planning his farewell tweet on February 28th, but here are the rules. The Discord staff gets to go first, which can be translated roughly as the rest of you don’t stand a chance, or in Latin, "Vos autem nolite stare liceator!" If you still want to play, just submit your Pope tweet by hitting our contact button or this groovy hyperlink here. Oh, and did we mention all submissions must be in Latin?


Pierce X. Winslow
@PierceWinslow
Cum Sinite parvulos ad me. Oh, dixi quod ex magna? (Suffer the little children to cum on me. Oh, did I say that out loud?)
9:26 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

Mick Zano
@mzzano
Iam operor ego adepto keys ut Pope Mobile? (Now do I get the keys to the Pope Mobile?)
9:32 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
0 Retweets 0 Favorites

Erisa Brahe
@erisaBrahe
Quamdiu omnibus gratias ichthys! (So long, and thanks for all the Jesus fish.)
9:48 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
5 Retweets 3 Favorites

The Crank
@theCrank
Ego teneo tamen haud one....NO UNUS pulsatus leviculus hat! (I know I’m stepping down, but no one....NO ONE touches the silly hat!)
9:55 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
7 Retweets 2 Favorites

The Ghetto Shaman
@ghettoShaman
Videre vos post, Bitches! Viva las Vegas! (See you later, Bitches!  I'm going to Vegas.)
10:03 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
6548 Retweets 2569 Favorites

Sandra Day O'Connor
@sandyOConnor
That was a lifetime appointment! Quitter! (Sorry, Sandra, Latin submissions only)
10:20 AM - 22 Feb 13
 
10 Retweets 6 Favorites
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Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist
Desperate to be Confirmed, Hagel Has Gay Sex with Jewish Lobbyist

Washington, DC—No Defense Secretary nomination has ever been filibustered in the history of our nation, yet today that seems a very real possibility for nominee Chuck Hagel. The former Republican Senator has disgusted both sides of the aisle with his subversive views on Israel and gays...and especially gay Israelis.

Hagel told the Discord today, "I really need this job. I’m old and it’s hard to get a job at my age. I don’t want to have to choose between my food and my medication, not when I could be killing and torturing people all over the world."

Hagel offended the gay community with one flamingly insensitive statement back in 1873.

"I just don’t want my fabulous ass drone-striked," said the Discord’s Chief LGBTQ Correspondent, Dave Atsals. "If I’m on anybody’s watch list, I want it to be because of my ability to accessorize."

Meanwhile, Hagel has lost Republican support for comments he made about the "Jewish lobby" and for his failure to recognize the genius that was the Iraq War.

After his nomination grew more highly contested by right and left, Chuck Hagel discussed the decision with his friends and family and decided to....well, it’s in the title. "I originally hoped to commit this act while handing over sensitive Benghazi documents, but my wife thought that would have been over the top," said Hagel.

Mick Zano had this to say, "Having watched the confirmation hearing, the fact Hagel had to answer a series of questions that have no rational connection to our nation’s defense was great fun! But, what’s going to happen when the last intelligent Republican is chased out of their tent? Oh, wait...never mind."

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Discord Fraught with Major F-Ups: Apology XVCV
Pierce X. Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord would again like to apologize. This important e-zine has experienced some considerable growing pains in recent months. For one, we ran out of bandwidth during The Ghetto Shaman’s recent promotional: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. As a result our site crashed like a Value Jet in a microburst. There’s no excuse for that, especially seeing as how we only had four hits that day. Also, we now crank our marquee at the top of this site 24/7. Someone has to do that shit. It’s certainly not going to crank itself.

But the buck stops here! I, Pierce X. Winslow, take full responsibility for these recent errors and I am now immediately shifting all of that blame directly to Mick Zano, where it belongs.

In our recent article Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related" we thought the last Godzilla attack occurred in 2003 as depicted in Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. We completely forgot about Godzilla: Final Wars from 2004. Not to mention Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris from 2007. It took a reader to find this error and we have since fired those responsible.

For those following our marquee news, we already made this retraction: AS IT TURNS OUT IT WAS NOT BEYONCE AT THE WINSLOW TACO BELL LAST WEEK. In our defense, it really looked like her from the back, but we were intoxicated at the time. Still, it could have been her twin—her homeless, white, toothless twin.

Perhaps our biggest blunder of 2013 was our headline Louisiana Voodoo Shop Completely out of Curarine. Curarine is a skeletal muscle relaxant used during the creation of zombies. We apologize to all of those who were unable to raise the dead that week because, as it turned out, they still had more in the back.

As for the error in this article’s title, we don’t know a lot about Roman numerals, per say. Apparently we don’t know Latin either as I’m told it’s per se. Nevertheless, I vow The Daily Discord will be better in 2013. How could it be otherwise?

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The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row
By Mick Zano
The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row
Mick Zano

Have you ever stopped at Prescott’s Whiskey Row? For those unfamiliar with the southwest, Prescott is a town nestled in a mountainous section of central Arizona. There’s a time I would have loved this rustic row of bars...er, like shortly after it debuted in 1877. But there’s at least one place on that block worthy of a stop. The Palace Saloon is old, historic, and quite haunted. It’s also the focus of The Ghost Blunder’s latest para-abnormal investigation.

Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
By Mick Zano
Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
Mick Zano

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, "Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?" The answer is sure...just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

The Wrong Remains the Same
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

The GOP: Time to Hide the Silverware
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up...usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters
Romney Motorcade Spent Final Hours Running Over FL Voters

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement "several hundred times".

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, "Have you voted yet?!" and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, "You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!"

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, "I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill."

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

"I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers," said Rove. "You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!"

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called "Joker and Two-Face", which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.

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Surviving in a Post-Truth World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What if Romney wins? How will that impact our already tenuous grip on reality? What the hell happens when we institutionalize the House of Rove? A place where people can say anything, minus fact-checkers, minus any objectivity, minus any political consequences for lying? We already have that, it’s called a spoof news site—well, some consequences, but we’ll leave the Ghetto Shaman’s last Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise lawsuit out of this.

Are We Better Off Than We Were Four Years Ago?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Umm, let me think (cue squiggly flashback sequence): I had just lost everything in the stock market, I was doctor shopping for benzodiazepines, and after I drank myself to sleep each night with a bucket of vodka, I prayed to the God Yig that Bush wouldn’t start a land war in Iran. Umm, yeah, I’m thinking a tad better. Now I’m in therapy instead of abusing valium and I’m almost completely off the vodka...er, well, I do occasionally chug hand sanitizer when my sponsor isn’t looking.

Limbaugh on DNC: A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!
Limbaugh on DNC A Bunch of Godless Spics, Sluts, and Ni**ers Calling Us Bigots!

Palm Beach, FL—Rush Limbaugh is not backing off The Discord’s totally fictitious headline today. But come on, Rush, you were thinking it. After last night’s Democratic National Convention, Limbaugh also tweeted, "I’m just calling a spade a spade" and "I wish those bitches' parents had used birth control!" Come on, Rush...admit it, you blankety, blank, blank!

A note from Mick Zano:

Sorry about that. Getting into Rush’s brain brings me to a dark place sometimes. While on a road trip yesterday, I unfortunately subjected myself to hours of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Sean Hannity. None of them addressed a word of Clinton’s speech. Not a word. Umm, sorry to burst your bubble, literary, but your entire economic worldview was dismantled in 48-minutes by a man who actually balanced the budget. Oh, he also said how the GOP keeps lying all the time and now lives comfortably in an alternate reality. Sounds like he reads The Discord.

Instead of addressing Clinton's damning economic appraisal of conservative "ideas", the right wing media chose instead to cover the Dems flip-flopping on removing "God-given" from their platform language. This was their coverage ALL day. Sure the Democrats understand, as our founding fathers did, the need for a separation of church and state, and sure there's a growing number of atheists out there, so what? But how about a compromise? I know, that's a joke too. But I'll tell you what, we’ll leave the part about the magic Santa-like man who lives in the clouds in our platform, if you add science and arithmetic to yours!

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Durango and the Haunted Hotel Hatrick
By Mick Zano
Durango and the Haunted Hotel Hatrick
Mick Zano

Durango, CO—Reaching the fabled city of Durango could mean only one thing, we’ve arrived at the last installment of this important four part Colorado series on the para-abnormal. Durango literally means "water town"—which recently spurred Watertown, NY, to officially change its name to Durango, because the Mayor said, "It sounds way cooler." Besides, Durango has like, what? four brewpubs? What the hell does Watertown, New York have? Water? Yeah, I wouldn’t’ drink that.

Ouray’s Western Hotel: A Very Brady Slaughter House
By Mick Zano
Ouray’s Western Hotel: A Very Brady Slaughter House
Mick Zano

Ouray, CO—Part two of our compelling four part series takes us to Ouray. The town is about as scenically situated as our last Rocky Mountain sojourn, Telluride. These days I only do sojourns. You want an adventure vacation, go with Cokie McGrath. She’ll have you climbing the Matterhorn by lunchtime. Luckily, the Matterhorn in Ouray is a cheesy motel and I’ve already been on the roof...with a beer.

Haunted Colorado or Rocky Mountain High-Ya-Yay
By Mick Zano
Haunted Colorado or Rocky Mountain High-Ya-Yay
Mick Zano

Telluride, CO—The first segment of this epic four part Haunted Colorado series begins in one of the coolest towns in the country. And, at an elevation of nearly 9,000 feet, Telluride is so cool there’s still residual snowpack...in July. The town is named after the mineral Tellurium, which was used to enhance the hull-plating during one of the Enterprise’s missions threw a particularly hazardous region of space known as The Expanse. Or, maybe it’s named after that Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy character. Ok, I don’t really know, but I have posited two plausible theories so lay the hell off.

Zano to Quit the Discord....Again
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to interview the Daily Discord’s head comedy writer, Mick Zano. Mr. Zano is a man—at least technically—who many call the brains of the operation. OK, no one really says that. In fact, spending an hour with Mr. Zano is good cause for hazard pay. Did you get that, Mr. Winslow? Make check payable to Cokie Industries.

Occupy the Tea Party
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s absurd what’s happening today, and not just because of my last post about the Facebook Nazis. We are in dire straits, folks, and, Mark my words, I have had a Knopfler. (The Sultans of Swing Voters?) Sorry. Half our country can’t motivate and the other half probably shouldn’t. The Occupy movement remains rudderless and the Tea Party has charted a clear and exact course toward some jagged rocks.

David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
By Mick Zano
David Sedaris and His Facebook Nazis
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Always on the job, I attended the David Sedaris show on Friday April 27th over at glamorous NAU. Sedaris is supposed to be an autograph-friendly-legend (AFL), but one person was clearly gypped. You might be wondering who? I was supposed to ask him some questions that I scribbled down on the ride over. The plan was to ask him as many of these questions as possible until his bodyguards dragged me or him away. Then I would categorize our brief, yet turbulent encounter as "an interview"...you know, the usual.

Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
By Mick Zano
Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
Mick Zano

Wow, nearly three of your fans got to watch you beat the Chicago Blackhawks this year—your first ever playoff series win since moving from Winni-friggin-peg. Wanna know why? The following is the comedy, the tragedy, and the horror that befell one Coyote fan, namely me, during the 2012 playoffs. Damn Mayans. The Hockey Gods frown on you Arizona! They will now probably relocate to Seattle or Hackensack...and who needs a team out in Hackensack? This post has been sent to NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman and to Captain Coyote, Shane Doan. They will respect my authoritay!

The Magnificent Apology Rides Again
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stocks rally on news you're actually going to post something this week. In particular, crude really tumbles without your important voice.

Mick Zano



Dear Mick,

Yeah, for me it's always a bare market...until the police arrive. Sorry, i'm kind of behind on my fan mail. Some of us don't have the luxury of not getting any, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Seattle Five-O: Post ‘em, Zano
By The Crank
The Crank

Dear Mr. Zano, I realize you, just like all politicians, cater to your base. I understand that and almost always fully support it. The problem arises when ‘your base’ refers to six or seven deeply depressed individuals in the rainiest, coldest, wettest, most depressed, most northeast corner of the United States. I also realize one more thing. You do, well, suck.

Discord Dissident Disses the Debt Deal Debacle
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let’s be clear here, this is a non rebuttal rebuttal (NRR), Mr. Crank. Keeping my mouth shut is not always easy, as my librarian can attest, but I will try to keep the rebut-thing to a minimum. This post will cover our continued budget woes, what the Florida shooting says about society, and the Discord’s failed attempt at being a uniter. Who’d have thought a site called The Daily Discord would fail to bring people together? Shocking.

Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
By Mick Zano
Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
Mick Zano

In hindsight, comparing John Boehner to Don Quixote isn’t very fair to Mr. Quixote. But what’s the GOP attacking now? Why are they so afraid? Even when they aren’t in power, they’re the story....a sad, sad story, yet an ever-evolving one, or in their case devolving. Look, don’t fear a reasonable amount of competence...it’s INcompetence you want to avoid. See how easy that was? Now you try to think of...just kidding, like that would ever happen.

Religion V. Spirituality: Hint, Religion Loses 
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Oh, it’s on. The torturing-for-Jesus version of spirituality (TJVS) is officially taking on Obamarama. The ultra-religious fear the future, while atheists and liberals are content to occupy it. Half our country can’t fathom a new American chapter and the other half can’t bloody wait: Occupy vs. Tea Party, Left vs. Right, Roe vs. Wade...Monsters vs. Aliens.

The Liz Cheney Interview: Brought to You by the Makers of Nexium
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I live in a very red state. The move was quite volitional, kind of like when I pick at a scab, or order nuclear wings, or luge naked. Yes, I’m a luger, baby, like that song. It may just be a coincidence, but I can’t get MSNBC on the telly anymore. Lately my remote skips from CNN to Fox News. True story. I’m sure this has not been orchestrated by my Governor, Jan Brewer, as I have seen both my cable company and Mrs. Brewer in action, first hand, and neither of them could pull off something this sophisticated.

Megyn Kelly vs Andrew Sullivan: Reality vs the Neococoon
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post isn’t actually for reading purposes; it’s just my version of blogular therapy. I’ve tried to make a few points in a few posts over a few pints, but reality is a tough nut to crack when you’re dealing with…er, nuts. The truth has little meaning in today’s discourse (or, Discord…). Modern conservatism, in particular, has its own truth, its own facts, and its own version of history. They’re no longer interested in debating events occurring in this dimensional plane of existence, unless it involves Snooki’s antics.

Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"

I Must Retract an Old Retraction as we Retract from Iraq
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Occasionally I have been wrong here on The Daily Discord. I know, I know, say it isn’t so Zano. But a few of my predictions have clearly gone astray.

I still believe, Sanjya!

Surely my biggest miscalculation involves the time frame for the double dip recession. But here’s one I’m taking back. My relatively small list of boo boos just got smaller. I did not support "The Surge" in Iraq. I felt, at the time, it only acted as a Bushian human shield, so he could quietly sneak away to go clear brush or conduct some other task more suitable to his relative skill set.

Save Some Real Money Supercomittee, Weed the People!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of 'lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.

Stunning Volcano Spews Hot Air and Lava Miles into the Air
Stunning Volcano Spews Hot Air and Lava Miles into the Air
 
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The Haunted Weatherford and the Yahtzee Séance
By Mick Zano
The Haunted Weatherford and the Yahtzee Séance
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Arizona was still a territory when the Weatherford Hotel was erected in glorious downtown Flagstaff. The old hotel remains one of the coolest structures in the southwest. It’s the home of the Flagstaff Writing Group and it’s also quite haunted. The majority of the ghost sightings occur in the Zane Grey ballroom, so last week, with an almost unrivaled determination, Alex Bone and I made the intrepid 11 pace march from bar to ballroom.

Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours
Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours

Cottonwood, AZ—Upon discovering the sheer lack of Walmarts in Sedona, the Discord’s Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath drove the extra 35 miles to Cottonwood during their unprecedented attack on "the man" Sunday. The two lacktivists planned to stake out the snack bar area, until they were hit with their second setback—the sheer lack of snack bars in the Cottonwood Walmart.

"We’d like to apologize to all the people who went to Sedona Sunday looking for the nonexistent snack bar in the nonexistent Walmart," said Mick Zano. "Who knew Sedona was completely devoid of marts, K, Wal, or otherwise? It was an honest mistake made by honest reporters."

"He’s lying," said Discord reporter Cokie McGrath. "In retrospect, I don’t recommend spending this much time with Zano when he’s not drinking, but I did manage to keep him from defecating on a plastic police car in the toy aisle."

The pair succeeded in bringing business at the bustling Super Center to a screeching halt for a nearly six hour period...or at least business near and around this bench.

McGrath believes this event is only the beginning. "We could have carried on for another two or three more hours, but the bench area actually has different hours than the rest of the store, or at least that’s what they told us during our ejection."

"If this protest continues to double every day, eventually there will be more protestors than people on the planet. That’s a statistical fact," said Zano, who believes the protest could have been an even more effective demonstration, "If I didn’t always spend my weekends hanging around this same bench for long periods of time."

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The Shit Heard Round the World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Another faction finally emerges, Occupy Wall Street. A rocky start, fer sure, and I condemn their recent attack on the E*Trade baby. But how does one bridge the gap between the Tea Party and this new group? We need a revolution that resonates with more, not less people. Thus far one group seems to be railing against Wall Street and the disparity of wealth, while the other attacks taxation and a growing government. One demands entitlements and the other wants to put an end to them. What’s the answer?  The Transcosmetic Party, that’s what.

Chris Christie’s Speech: Revisionist History or Just Plain Bullshit?  You Decide
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I like Chris Christie, at least comparatively.  Unlike his colleagues, this man often refuses to drink from the Cup of Stupid. But in order to win the nomination these days, one must resonate with the asses.  It’s always interesting to see which angle they attempt, bullshit or revisionist history. For this stump speech Christie managed a nice combination of both.  His speech was ultimately a scathing attack on his own party.

Vegas San Gennaro: Leave the Feast, Take the Cannoli
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Mick Zano was supposed to come for *sigh* yet another visit earlier this month.  Due to circumstances beyond his control he had to delay a week.  Unfortunately I was working overtime, so it looked like things were going to be a bust.  Then, being the good friend and inadequate employee I am, I timed Zano’s visit with a three day suspension.  Whoo Hoo!  So, to be clear, I would not be getting paid for three days AND spending extra money.   Dave Ramsey would not be pleased.

The Goonification of Lovecraft: Why Universal Pictures is Dead to Me
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hey Universal Pictures, H.P. Lovecraft is not a Goonies movie!  Since we have been a little Cthulhu-heavy lately here at the Discord, we must mention our insane—clawing at our own entrails—disappointment in the decision to cancel Guillermo Del Toro’s version of At the Mountains of Madness.  Universal insisted Del Toro make this 150-million dollar horror extravaganza with a PG-Rating.  Have you ever read any Lovecraft, Mr. Universal dude? You would have better luck making Shaving Ryan’s Privates a bleeping G-Rating!  …which, by the way, was a really important film in its own right.

You Say You Want a Revolution?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one.  It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, "Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work."

Harry Potter: Ten Years I’ll Never Get Back
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The biggest blockbuster of the year is undoubtedly Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows—Part 2. You know it’s a serious movie when I throw in an adverb as big and daunting as ‘undoubtedly’, right from the get go.   The Daily Discord was there to cover this prestigious premiere.  When I say premiere, I mean, a week later during a matinee at the Ghettoplex.  Oh, and Mr. Winslow will probably never reimburse me the admission price.  Bastard! 

Clemency for Clemens?  Why Lying to a Politician Should Not Only Be Legal But Encouraged
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Let me get this straight, Roger Clemens was doping, but his only actual charge was lying under oath to Congress.  Umm, lying to Congress?  Isn’t that kind of like using magic against Voldemort?  I mean, Congress lies constantly.  This is the only language they understand.  If his deceit is proven in a court of law, maybe Clemens should be forced to represent Texas in the House of Representatives for a two-year term.  Call it perjury duty. 

In a Perfect World...
In a Perfect World...
Shouldn't lighthouses be referred to as beach boners?
 
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Made in the Shade Brew Fest: Bring Sunscreen
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Brew Fests…what are they?  Why would someone attend these things?  What are the inherent dangers?  They don’t want you to know any of this, but I think the information in this post is crucial.  Here are ten simple rules that can save your life at such an event.  So let’s go do the hop.

Spendthra VS. Cutzilla: Battle for Earth
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I said I would move our debate forward…ummm, I lied. I’m not saying liberals are the answer, Crankster—I never have—I’m just saying your group is almost certainly never the answer, unless the question is "my toilet’s stopped up." I’m Kidding!! I have those eco-friendly no-flush types. I’m also going to refrain from any-and-all Joe the Dumber jokes.

I’m Running for President!
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Hickville, PA—I, Dave Atsals, Daily Discord contributor and bartender, have formed an exploratory committee.  Today, I throw my hat and all other articles of clothing into the ring.  My leadership is needed, for no one is better suited for the job at this critical juncture in human history—at least no one else came to mind at the all-you-can-drink poker game last night.

Dateline: Saturday May 21st 6:00PM: World Ends
By The Crank
The Crank

Oh how I do wish it had come true. After much deep contemplation I have come to this realization—a realization aided by many pulled pork samichiz, Twinkies and Cokes. It is hard work, but someone other than Mikko has to do it. He cannot be trusted. I used to think that people whose opinions differed from mine were smart, caring people whose opinions just differed from mine. Then I started reading Mick Zano columns.

Alex Bone Discovered in Belly of Giant Crawdad!
Alex Bone Discovered in Belly of Giant Crawdad!

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story of biblical proportions, Alex Bone has put Jonah, Pinocchio, and Natalie Wood to shame. The Discord contributor and Yig enthusiast, missing since early last month, was discovered living inside the stomach of a colossal Crawdad.

The Discord Exclusive Sean Hannity/Mick Zano Interview!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Mick Zano: Welcome, Sean.  Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.  As most of you know, Sean Hannity is one of the biggest names on Fox News and, therefore, one of the biggest names on cable television.  You are, by far, the biggest interview I have ever landed in my quasi-journalistic life, so again, thanks.  May I kiss your rings?

Why I Despise Netflix and Want My Old Video Store Back
By Mick Zano
Why I Despise Netflix and Want My Old Video Store Back
Mick Zano

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the old fashioned video store.  Currently there are over 13,000 movies in my queue over on Netflix and, invariably, on any given Saturday night, none of my choices are in the mailbox.  Whew, good thing I’m out drinking on Saturday nights.

Bone’s Disappearance Blamed on Crawdad Attack
Bone’s Disappearance Blamed on Crawdad Attack

Alex Bone, contributor for the The Daily Discord, Priest of Yig, and founder of the Men Against Migo Association (M.A.M.A.), was reported missing last weekend. The only survivor of the Bone Gang, Mick Zano, awoke with green hair and an ‘I ♥ Bacon’ tan line across his chest.  He is currently deemed "still too disoriented" to help authorities. 

Libya: Two Special Comments, Three Special Swear Words
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My first beef is with the Community Organizer & King who decided to listen to Hillary I-was-just-starting-to-like-her Clinton instead of Robert nailed-it-as-Secretary-of Defense Gates (but keep in mind, even Rommel would look good after Rumsfeld).  Obama probably thought: hell, the Clintons want action in Libya and so does McCain.  So we need to act…   Normally this would be logical, but what in the last decade has been normal?  Certainly not my blood pressure. 

Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War
By Alex Bone
Bone Escalates the Invertebrate Conflict into Outright War
Alex Bone

Most understand how scorpions loathe their aquatic brothers, the viscous crawdad. Both have segmented bodies, pinching claws, and a burning desire to kill everything that crosses their path. These spineless bastards part ways, however, when it comes to protecting the environment. Whereas scorpions drive Priuses and recycle whenever possible, crawdads are a different story.

There are No Heroes: Pox on Both Yer Budgets!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries.  No easy trick.  His new budget reduction attempt is a joke.  I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan.  This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment.  Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore;  damn.

Super Game XXVIIV
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Las Vegas, NV–What’s better on Valentine’s Day than some old football coverage?! Somehow I am back in Vegas for the third time already in 2011, which is three more reasons Bald Tony is considering relocating. I am back at the Riviera covering this Super Game, knowing little about football and even less about roman numerals.

Rocksongs.com Top 500 and Why I am Involving a Lawyer
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I never much cared for the top ten type list thingies, of course, on a related note, Humor Links.com has The Discord handily beating The Onion, but, then again, only eight people voted this month and seven of them were me.  This post is critical of RockSong.com’s top 500 classic rock songs of all time.  Just to set the record straight, I only pointed out the things that reeeaallly pissed me off…

Attack of the Barbizons: Everyone Gets a Trophy, I get a Bill
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ—So, unbeknownst to me, my daughter fills out this Barbizon form in school and she gets this phone call yesterday to come down to their studio for a free interview.  This meeting is Sunday morning, which is normally our church time.  OK, really it’s Fareed Zakaria: GPS time, over on CNN, which is a religious experience in its own right.  Forgive me Fareed for I have blogged.

The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
By Mick Zano
The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
Mick Zano

After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS. Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture. It stared right at me, nay, right through me. Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played. When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, "I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave." Machines always call me Dave. I don’t know what that’s all about.

Why I Still Hate Phil Collins and Other Musical Observations
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, but in this case it works.  Phil Collins almost single-bandedly ruined the early eighties for me—well, him and what’s her face.  Living on Long Island then, there was a time in my life I could get all these wonderful rock stations like WPLJ, WRCN, and WBAB.  But, in the 80s, at any given time ALL of them could be playing a Phil Collins song.  And, on a really bad day, it could be the same Phil Collins song!

In Defense of Our 44th President
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that everyone is piling on Obama like a Cambodian stampede, it’s time to come to the aid of my old pal, Mr. Mediocre.  Currently, Bush’s approval rating is 44% and Obama’s is 39%.  Huh?  Granted, Obama’s struggling, but Bush’s approval rating should only be calculable using quantum fractals, pygmy fractions, or perhaps some other non-Euclidian geometry only found down in Whoville on Psilocybin Wednesdays.  Speaking of which, Shaman man…what are ya doing Wednesday?

Hawking Names Successor: Scientism, Cthulhu, and the Perennial Philosophy
By Mick Zano
Hawking Names Successor: Scientism, Cthulhu, and the Perennial Philosophy
Mick Zano

In Stephen Hawking’s recent Reuters article Why God Did Not Create the Universe, he asserts, "There is no place for God in theories on the creation of the Universe."

Hawking goes on to say the Big Bang was "an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics."  He then added, "Santa Claus is not real and Angelina Jolie’s breasts are silicone."

Damn you, Hawking!

Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
By Mick Zano
Apparently Only Five People Interested in Restoring Sanity in Arizona
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Deciding against heading to D.C. for my own rally, which is every blogger’s prerogative, I instead attended the Rally to Restore Sanity in my area.  This was a difficult decision for me but, since Winslow wouldn’t let me into the rent-a-car, I opted to stay around town and…damn you Ghetto Shaman!

Another Unnecessary Scathing Personal Attack on Pernick
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Somehow unnecessary wars and the Bush tax cuts never seem to match up to Jimmy Carter’s move to get people into homes.  Do I have to show you the graph again?  The Congressional Budget Office numbers site Bush tax cuts and the wars as the two biggest deficit generators.  The housing debacle is ranked third, and is comparatively much less of a projected issue over time, but I understand how third can be first when seen through the magniFoxing glass.

Against My Doctor and My Lawyers Advice, I Have Taken Glenn Beck's 40/40 Challenge
Mick Zano

What about Beck? Glenn Beck is an enigma to me, much like algebra. He extrapolates to the point of absurdity; yet, there’s something to be said for this pseudo-intellectual Mr. Magoo from hell. Beck must regularly trip on substances even the Ghetto Shaman can’t get his grubby little hands on, but I’m still not ready to dismiss everything he says.

Sage Rage: Incarceration for Dummies
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—So yeah, I’m sure this will come as a big surprise to everyone, but I’m an idiot. A big one, in fact, and not just because I’m a nearly seven-foot Viking type. I’m not going to get into the ‘why’ of it now, because I’m already hated enough but, um, I’m stuck taking a bucket-load of court-mandated classes (again), so I have to shell out a lot of cash for the thrill of being permitted to participate in this happiness (hint: never go drinking with Zano and/or a guy named Wog).

Fox News & the Tea Party: Sometimes There Isn’t Safety in Numbers
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew.  But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed.  So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

The Terrorists Win the War on Terror: Film at 11
By Pierce Winslow and Mick Zano
The Terrorists Win: Film at 11
Pierce Winslow

Reflecting on 9/11, nine years, later was damn depressing—almost as bad as reading our submissions this week.  Did you really think a bunch of radical yahoos could defeat America (and I don't mean the Discord staff)?  Of course not, they were betting on our own stupidity, and that bet paid off far beyond their wildest expectations.

I’m Sure You Made a Valid Point Somewhere, Crank: We Have People Working on It Now
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Winslow usually won’t post a rebuttal of a rebuttal, but I know what he drinks.  OK, Crank, why can’t Rep. Boehner and Speaker Pelosi both be bad for America?  I would like to see the Dems lose the house just to see Nancy Pelosi sit the hell down.  She is one of the singularly most ridiculous figures in politics today.  And, in 2010, that’s an astounding refudiation.  Anyone who says "the best way to create jobs is to extend unemployment benefits" needs to turn in her gavel by the end of the work day.  You must do it during business hours, of course, because it won’t slide under the door.  But getting Boehner (OH) to replace Pelosi as the next Speaker of the House is kind of like replacing Edith Bunker with Reverend Jim from Taxi (am I showing my age?).Whereas I never support stupidity on either side of the aisle, you steadfastly support your local moron.

Mosque of the Red Death: Fundamentalism, Tribalism and the Fighting Foxeteers
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So how does 70% of America end up on the wrong side of this mosque debate?  Well, I went a whole month without knocking Fox or Bush, but for this one a relapse is in order.  Fox is now trying to say that Obama is so desperate, he’s imploring Bush to help with the Great Moronic Mosque Debate of 2010 (GMMD-10).  In reality, the right has drifted so far into absurdity on this issue that Bush has actually become a shiny bright beacon of reason through which to lead lost souls back from the brink. 

Several Missing Women Surface in Discord Contributor’s Freezer
Several Missing Women Surface in Discord Contributor’s Freezer

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has "no idea" how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a "masseuse" on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, "Bad man.  Bad tipper."

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, "He’s really not that interesting."

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, "Sure, but he’s still not that interesting."

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, "Did you find everything OK?" then added, "Could I marinate your arm overnight?"

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but "Not too closely. He tends to bite," said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, "If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?"

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Over 6,000 Daily Discord Emails Leaked to the Public
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, admitted to the press today over 6,000 internal emails between Discord contributors were released to the public in a move many are calling "intentional."

Winslow is downplaying the impact of the incident, "The fact remains these documents don't reveal any issues that haven't already informed our public debate regarding the behavioral and psychological health of my staff."

The following are two examples of actual correspondence between Discord contributors:


From: the ghetto shaman
Sent: Thursday, April, 9, 2009  2:20AM
To: pwinslow12@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: I’m bringing the potato gun to the next party, bitches!


Winslow, buddy.  don’t let the large number fool you.  bail is always set at 10% of the fine. 10%! peanuts for a big man like you.  oh, and I told you that putting all of your money in Shagg Technologies was a bad idea, bitch.

Ghetto Shaman



From: mick zano
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:19 PM
To: DDiscord@yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: [The Discord] Re: I’m not usually like that on jagermeister, baby, honest


Captain’s Blog 5/8/08,

The Discord is off to a shaky start, folks. Winslow has spent untold thousands on drunken "business meetings" and the Crank’s video submissions are obscene, senseless, and costly.  After watching his last video I feel dirty. Thankfully, we don’t have the bandwidth for videos yet. As far as increasing submissions, Dave Atsals is still in the final stages of his first sentence, which has the word doohickey in it (twice), spelled differently each time.  Neither is the way i would spell doohickey, mind you, but that's what final editing is for, right? heh, heh.  On a good note, Winslow has finished outsourcing the web design to a man named, Mr. Rufies, who promises to finish the project if we all meet him at the mall around closing time. Otherwise things are going quite smoothly (for us).

Mick Z.

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Dear Mick Zano: You’re fired
By The Crank
You’re fired
The Crank

As a duely appointed representative of the Coalition of Daily Discord Contributors (CDDC), it is my unfort...er, slightly unhapp…er, giddily merry duty to inform you that your services are no longer required.  I have sent armed escorts to assist you from your seat by the window at the coffee shop where you get free wi-fi /coffee/sex/whatever. Your laptop’s on-line capabilities will be removed and news shows will be blocked by your cable company. You will not get a final check because, well, you don’t get one now.

Top 10 Reasons I Hate Top 10 Lists
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This hateful post was inspired by Newsweek.  They had this article involving the top movies about high school.  Out of the 15 listings, which included Clueless, Heathers, and clueless women named Heather, there was no mention of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Nothing.  I can’t make this up.  Well, I could, but I didn’t this time. 

Is Barack Obama a Textbook Case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
By Rick Right Pernick
Rick Right Pernick

I was watching a television program yesterday in which one character was describing to another the traits of narcissistic personality disorder, wherein one feels compelled to create villains to defeat in order to be perceived by others as being a hero. Much of the following explanation of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is taken directly from the DSM-IV, the rest is taken from family reunions, BBQs, and Discord Christmas parties. 

The Début of The Chronicles of Jack Primus, or Zombie and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
By Mick Zano
The Début of The Chronicles of Jack Primus, or Zombie and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Mick Zano

Alex Bone’s new novel The Chronicles of Jack Primus will change your life!  It was powerful watching Bone’s main character Jack Primus grow from the kind of guy who would bash villains in the face with a steel pipe, to the kind of guy who would bash villains in the face with a six-pack of beer.  Talk about character development!

Daily Discord Admits to Photoshopping Giant Guatemalan Sink Hole
Daily Discord Admits to Photoshopping Giant Guatemalan Sink Hole

Philadephia, PA—The Daily Discord surrendered to authorities today after admitting they created the infamous photo plastered all over the media last week.  The image caused quite a commotion.

Maria Juarez of Guatemala City said, "I recognized the location and shouted, ‘Our day care center! The Earth has devoured our children!’"

"We never thought it would get this far," said Mick Zano, a Discord contributor.  "The hole in the photo looks ridiculously large, spherical, and fake…like Michael Moore."

CEO, Peirce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the incident.

"We picked this image out of four sink hole submissions.  The first had a big eye at the bottom (heh, heh), the second had a Cthulhu-like tentacle coming up out of it, and the last one depicted Reid and Pelosi doing some jungle love action down there.  I really didn’t understand that one.  I decided to keep it simple—just the big hole—and then we submitted the thing to places, and wow!  I wanted to correct the mistake, but sometimes good business is where you find it.  And sometimes, just sometimes, that somewhere is at the bottom of a giant PhotoShopped hole in Guatemala." 

"We thought we could get away with it," said Zano.  "I mean, who reports live from Guatemala?   We probably just fly over it with some secret Predator Blogs, or something.  But, it got too big too fast, so our lawyer suggested we come forward.  He’s a busy man, our lawyer."

If something you submit gets too big, too fast for over four hours, consult your physician immediately. 

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What the Fuck Did I Do? Self Background Check for People Who Can’t Remember College

Haven’t you ever wondered, what the hell happened your sophomore year?  Why did she really break up with me?  Why did I wake up naked in that a Tijuana jail?  Was that gladiatorial games reference on the back of that citation legit, or simply some cop’s bad handwriting?

Hi, I’m Mick Zano, and I don’t remember anything that happened in college.  I know many of the Discord contributors were there and lots of campus, local, and state police personnel.  But, after just six hours of reviewing What the Fuck Did I Do?, I understood a lot more about my shady past as well as my recurring nightmares.   As it turns out, I really can’t work in this field, and should resign now.  And, yes, it was gladiatorial games, by the way.

"I knew my husband was an asshole in college," said Mrs. Zano.  "And now, after he shared the details of his sordid past from What the Fuck Did I Do?, I want him out of my life forever."

Dave Atsals had this to say, "I realize I misjudged my probation officers.  After reading the file over a long weekend, well, I would’ve been a dick to me too.  You really can’t begin the healing process until you know what happened. And, now I know I’m a terrible, terrible, unredeemable soul, and I think I’m a better person for it."

Hi, I’m Shagg, owner and founder of What the Fuck Did I Do?  I had to double my disk space and bandwidth when the Discord gang signed up for my services, but the peace of mind they now share is worth every penny.  And, remember, I’m not only the What the Fuck Did I Do? president, I’m also a client.

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Arizona Adds Social Site Addiction to Statewide Recovery Programs
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—All across Arizona the need for traditional 28 day Recovery Programs has never been greater.  In most states an individual must be addicted to certain types of drugs to qualify for treatment. Things like alcohol, crystal meth, pain pills, and cocaine addictions will get you in, but other substances like tobacco and caffeine will not. Some other problematic addictions, like gambling and sex addiction, will not get you help either. This has unfortunately kept people like Mick Zano on the streets.

Send Brewer, Guns, and Money
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Arizona’s Governor Janet Brewer is brilliant! I will never call her democratically challenged again.  She is killing two birds with one stone.  She is cutting most funding for the severely mentally ill, while she lets every undocumented felon carry concealed weapons, everywhere and anywhere: bar, state park, church function, or cock fight.  At first I thought, what an idiot.  And then I thought…clever girl!  These things will just work themselves out over time with little to no cost to the taxpayer. 

Arizona’s Crawdad Menace and Other Disturbing Observations
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Caved-in-Shack, AZ—Something deeply disturbing is happening in Arizona.  No, I’m not talking about Janet Brewer, Immigration laws, or Mick Zano’s naked bar crawls….I’m talking about something reaaalllly disturbing.  Back when I was shelling out ten bucks a bag in New Orleans for mini-lobsters known as crawdads, how could I have known a few years later these same bastards would be on the verge of destroying my state’s ecosystem?

Hitch-Slapping 101: Why Christopher Hitchens Should be King
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Christopher Hitchens is a god among men.  Of course, the atheistic cynic would never put it quite like that but, nevertheless, I would like to take a moment to both praise and condemn the self-righteous bastard.  If you have never checked out Hitchens, you should.  He’s a contributor for Vanity Fair and Slate Magazine, or you can always check out his website, The Hitchen’s Zone, where he pulls off a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling like no other.  He recently called Alexander Haig a "Neurotic narcissist with an unquenchable craving for power." This, of course, occurred when other people were paying their respects to his still warm corpse. In wake of the church’s child abuse cover-ups, he said the Pope’s "whole career has the stench of evil about it." Whereas the Pope is still theoretically alive, he is—in part thanks to Hitchens—the poster boy for the So, you weren’t really divinely picked, were you? group on Facebook …I would join this group but, unfortunately, I was divinely picked.  John Paul II did manage to keep that divine-designation-thing (DDT) at least somewhat of a mystery for a time.  Kudos to him.  The good news, Herr Benedict may move some folks beyond mere fundamental thinking (many out of pure disgust).  Hey, maybe God is still popenipotent, but maybe his picker is broken.  God is slated for Larry King Live next week, where he/she will refute Zano’s claims with the likes of: "I didn’t mean him. I was pointing toward that other bloke in the back with the funny hat.  Really…I was.  I wanted that fellow who would have stopped all the shenanigans with the young’ins and continue with my work and such.  No, I’m not talking about buggering, you stupid bastard."

Fledgling Discord Freelancers Felled by Unfriendly Fusillade
Pierce Winslow shoots down another contributor

Philadelphia, PA - Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

"The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin' me?" said Winslow. "We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you're good, maybe you'll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils."

"Yeah, cash, what's that?" stated Dave Atsals. "I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?"

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: "It’s for fame and glory purposes only."

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

"Then he typically loses the file," said Zano, "or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, 'What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels' and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking."

"It’s better than how the process used to work," added Atsals.

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Voter Victimization: How Do I Know When My Political Party is Abusive and Controlling?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

About a year ago, Pokey McDooris wrote an article championing the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.  Either these guys have tanked even more, or Pokey got a hold of some unusually strong pot that week. Hydropundits? During my last trip to Las Vegas, I had to listen to Rush Limbaugh between Kingman, AZ and Boulder City, NV—a long stretch of highway not dissimilar in appearance to the moon. I lost the signal twice, hit search, and immediately found those invisible airwaves crackling with Rush. I couldn’t really find any common ground, though.  And I was actually trying to find some for the first hundred-miles or so.  It’s lonely on the moon. I felt like that dog from Chevy Chase’s Vacation. "He probably kept up for a mile or so…" (sniffle).  Limbaugh was shamelessly trying to rewrite history and defend the indefensible.   Overall, his "views" showed an astounding lack of insight.  Everything was painted…and a really off color.  There’s the act of painting the actual stars in the night sky (realism) then there’s Van Gogh’s version of the night sky (impressionism) and then there’s Limbaugh’s view, where you just vomit on the canvas at night and hope for the best (host-depressionism). 

Nosferatu Rushed to St. Vincent’s
Nosferatu Rushed to St. Vincent’s
Doctors say chest pains, "Not wooden stake related."
 
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Mick Zano: Dip 3
By The Crank
Bush, Obama, and Zano teabagging
The Crank

Zano, you make your living by doing very necessary and commendable things that you hope and pray the Government will eventually pay you for. If you aren’t employed by someone making bombs or bombers (or, in your case, Costco-sized medicinal marijuana outlets), you have relied too heavily on the Lib/Dem faction of Americana for your daily ration of beer and snausages. You’ve based your likes or dislikes of politicians on how much of the taxpayer’s money will be given to your little project. That’s how we differ. I was brought up in a household that rated anyone by the total amount of deli food you could purchase from our little project. A deli, for those living in the southwest, or in space, is a place you can buy wholesome ready-to-eat real actual formerly living things type food, in a non-nationwide-chain format.  A place owned and operated by someone who actually knows how to cook.  Our income depended on the money that the citizens had to spend, after Uncle Sam had sucked his ration of vitamin "B" from our collective carotids. Uh, that’s the way I thought capitalism was supposed to woik. Granted, your way is healthier, but ours is way more fun…

They’re Calling it Arson…
strange Vancouver structure ablaze
A Canadian man is being sought after setting this strange Vancouver structure ablaze on Friday
 
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The Transcosmetic Party:  No. We Don’t Necessarily Wear Dresses
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s time for a third party, a truth seeking party, a truly independent party, a Transcosmetic Party!  There is certainly a movement in America, but currently it’s brainless and leaderless (hint: when Sarah Palin is your keynote speaker, your movement needs a major laxative).  Our zombie zeitgeist moans on as the Teabag movement only adds to the unrest.  Having forty-percent of America ready and willing to vote-in any chimp with the tallest pointy white cap is not encouraging. Let me know how that Brown thing works out for you Massivetwoshits.  Populous outrage is one thing, but misguided populous outrage is quite another. 

The Double Dip Recession and the Obama Illusion
By Mick Zano
Bush and Obama: Two Dips
Mick Zano

I don’t blame anyone for holding out for hope.  I knew Obama’s chances of saving the world were slim, but I also thought holy shit! complete sentences! Unfortunately, the Obama illusion is just that—an illusion.  We few sentient creatures left amongst the patriotard wasteland have realized, long ago, that no one is driving the proverbial bus.  But, on the bright side, what a decade for political satire, eh?!  Makes me want to start an ezine blog thingie. Here’s the Discord decade in review: Clinton (circa 2000) was riding the Lewinsky, which is a metaphor meaning diligently protecting our country, and then things got really stupid for about eight years, and then came hope, which we all hoped would help (Hip Hope joke omitted by Winslow). 

Bighoot and the Owl People
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Haneyville, PA—We Discordians have congregated at an annual party for about twenty years now.  No one knows exactly why; it’s best not to question these things.  Every June, like those Capistrano swallows, we migrate to a remote Pennsylvanian cabin deep in the Black Forest region of Sproul State Forest (thankfully not to spawn).  The last party got a little strange…and not in the usual, bean fight, tree duct-tapping, naked fire dancing kind of strange.  I’m talking real strange…

Beer and Frothing in Las Vegas
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

For my last trip to Vegas, I decided to look beyond the flashing and blinking lights of Sin City and really rate this town.  Sorry, the blinking lights of Vegas are about as close to Christmas as you're going to get here at the Discord.  The biggest hurdle to my destination came in the form of a brewpub, the Boiler Room, in Laughlin, Nevada.  This pub, constructed like the bowels of a giant ship, had a sign out front that read: Thirsty Thursdays: All Drafts 1 Dollar.  It happened to be Thursday and I was, in fact, thirsty.  Hmmmm.  I opened my wallet and implemented an old college equation.  A dollar a beer, so if I have eighty-dollars in my wallet...then that means I have...er, carry the one...a shit load of beer!

Mick Zano: Ambivalent Protesting at its Finest
Mick Zano: Ambivalent Protesting at its Finest...Love, The Crank
Love, The Crank
 
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Burger King: Just Out of Touch with America or Socialist Cheese Oppressing Nazis?
By Mick Zano
Burger King: Just Out of Touch with America or Socialist Cheese Oppressing Nazis?
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ—Why does Burger King continue their clueless tradition of leaving off the cheese, unless requested, on any of their products?  If this sick and twisted tradition is allowed to continue, the Swiss will surely hit the fan.  I rarely partake in the fast food experience and when I do it is deemed a ‘relapse’ because I have sworn off the stuff several years ago.  But yesterday I drove my sister to Burger King because most everything else in town had closed.  She ordered the sliders for herself and we went on our merry way.  Fifteen minutes later, however, she found herself cheese-less in Arizona. 

Zano’s Real Fox News Blogathon: Why My Wife Insists I Switch Back to Porn
(Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ - A few weeks ago the family had the flu, so I was stuck playing Florence Nightingale (any excuse to dress up like a nurse, really).  Trapped with the sneezy twins, I decided to try watching Fox News all day, or at least as much as I could stomach.  As the Crank asserts, the media needs to be critical and questioning of each administration—be the “thorn in their side”, as he put it, which is why I’ve gone from 20 to nearly 30 minutes of Fox News viewing per week (with frequent mental health breaks involving microbrews).  As it turns out, Fox is fun and educational!  Fine, it’s neither…but, I was trapped, and the only Netflix in the house were High School Musical and the second season of Sanctuary.  Women…

An American Werewolf at Zeta
By Mick Zano
An American Werewolf at Zeta
Mick Zano

This yarn is embellished approximately one-to-five percent due to age-related cognitive-decline, also known in certain Discord circles as Dave Atsals’ Syndrome (DAS).  This tale is going to sound fictitious, like many of my stories, but I can assure you that those who knew me in the eighties and nineties would understand.  You see, I settled down in the twenty-first century, when Dean Moriarty somehow morphed quietly into Ward Cleaver. Anyway, back in the Bruce Springsteenesque glory days, the night was dark and stormy.  OK, the moon was very full, which may or may not have inspired me to dress like Lon Cheney’s version of the Wolfman.  You know, old school.  This was before American Werewolf in London, before Underworld, or even before Old School, for that matter.  Back in those days we only had Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, and Warren Zevon to frighten us.  If that didn’t work, my GPA usually did the trick.  

Monty Python Turns Forty! Discord Staffer Laments of Life Pre-Python

Nowhere, AZ - “Life before Python was a terrible ordeal,” stated Mick Zano to reporters.  “My first two years without them…”

Zano paused and sobbed for a time.  He believes he suffered from a deep clinical depression during that mind-numbingly bleak period four decades ago.

“I just kind of laid around a lot.  I didn’t talk much and I cried a lot.”

Zano claimed it was a lot like college. “I blocked it out. I remember next to nothing.”

When asked if he used drugs or alcohol to cope with the situation, Zano replied, “I had a binkie that I called binkie…I used that almost constantly.  I kind of hid my troubles in a pair of breasts, if you know what I mean.  But I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

When asked if Monty Python has influenced his work, Zano said, “Python?  Hell no.  I just regularly cut and paste their shit into my work, so I wouldn’t say influence exactly. I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I will taunt you a second time-eh.”

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Top Ten Pierce Winslow Pet Peeves
  1. Mick Zano
  2. Plural of RPM is RPM, not RPMs moron
  3. The same thing goes for MPG
See All 10...
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My First Impression of Joining Facebook
My First Impression of Joining Facebook...You all look, er…great!
You all look, er…great!
 
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Will the Real Conservatives Please Stand Up: At Least the Ones Who Are Medically Safe to Do So
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Folks are finally taking notice of how the media has reduced the political debate to something akin to a cafeteria-style food fight.  Each side only lobs the meatballs of mutiny when the opposition party is on cafeteria duty.  Both patriotards and libertards (roughly 80% of the pop) are ready and willing to storm the Bastille, but for all the wrong reasons.  MSNBC tried to start a revolution to oppose Bush, and rightly so, and they got roughly forty-percent of the U.S. armed to the teeth with tiny condiment packets of petulance.  Then they tried to stop the food fight amidst the coronation of King Obama. Try as the libertard media might, those tater tot-toting Teabaggers came all the same (God bless them).  In fact, they are marching on Washington right now.  They are not exactly sure why they are marching, but the next ‘Fox Transmission’ should further terrorize them enough to dodge the tartar sauce of tyranny and counter with the two-fisted fish sticks of freedom!

Universal What Care?  Once More unto the Crank, Dear Friends
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends.  The point of my last post, Mr. Crank (if that is your real name), involved the healthcare debate being hijacked by the propaganda arts, the Goebbels Peanut Gallery, if you will.  Those town hall paranoids were stoked by the “Fox Transmission”. Using fear in such a way has disturbing ramifications.  NPR just did a nice piece on this, but I never said there was nothing to fear (that was FDR).  Point being, this tactic is effective regardless of the issues being debated.  So for the healthcare debate, we double the number of those ‘real concerned Americans’ invading our town halls.  But sorry to break this to you, Cranko, our healthcare system is changing at light speed and not for the better. Your view of it is a rosy snapshot taken some years ago through a disposable camera now floating in someone’s unattended beer.  And I was clearly not championing Obamacare in my last post.  I stated that our current system ‘sucks ass’ and Obamacare is likely to ‘suck balls.’  What part of ‘sucks balls’ has you baffled? 

Your Insistence, Fair Reader, that I’m Glum and Hopeless Makes Me Want to Shoot My Face Off
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are getting some feedback here at Discord Central and, though it pains me to admit it, not all of it is good.  People are starting to comment on my sinicism.

To my critics I say, “how could I be synical if I can’t even spell the word?”

Despite the mountain of facts to the contrary, more and more readers feel I am pessimistic, dark, and, according to at least one Crank, prone to bouts of verbal diarrhea (which doesn’t even make sense in this venue).  Today, here and now, I hope to dispel these unfounded rumors.  Think of this post as a short-term, blog-cleansing diet.  I have taken and solved many of the challenges we humans face in the early 21st century, and, more importantly, I’ve placed these solutions into an easily digestible table format.  Click on the Read More button and, well, read more…

The Bucks County Badlands: Haunted Pennsylvania
By Mick Zano

My wife and I have spent considerable amounts of time and money in downtown New Hope, Pennsylvania. For those of you unfamiliar with this cozy little playhouse town, it’s well worth the stop. One weekend, while vacationing there, I even proposed to my wife (along with several other women who happened to pass at the time). We always try to hit New Hope whenever we’re within a hundred miles of the joint.

Earth to All Patriotards
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Beware!  The patriotards are reconstituting themselves, like those tiny Terminator droplets that reform when you’re not looking.  Patriotards are folks still confused and/or ambivalent about the Bush Administration’s legacy.  And, to set things right, they believe all this country needs is President Sarah Palin. A recent Rasmussen poll, my main reason for this post, finds 42% of this country ready and willing to vote for Palin in 2012.  Forty-two percent…this country…Earth, you betcha ya.  And this number will only increase with another attack.  One peep from Al-Qaeda and the patriotard hordes will seep out of the woodwork like, well, those Terminatorites.  As Bill Maher put it, after the next attack we’ll tear up the other half of the Bill Of Rights and Toby Keith is president.  This Rovian wave of nationalistic neurosis is the heartland of Patriotard Country.  You still don’t understand the patriotard menace?  Let me splain.  No, that will take too long.  Let me sum up…

Why I am Staying in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat Bugs
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Don’t panic!  The noise you are hearing in the background is simply the sound of our social institutions collapsing outright.  Newsflash: America is going to change and change in a big way.  Our politics, our media, our language, our culture are all slipping into a deep dark crevasse (luckily, plenty are now forming on our glaciers to accommodate).  Our money is becoming meaningless, and we have discovered the root of all suffering, besides Oprah.  Another stimulus package?  Are you kidding me?  How many times are they going to hit the economy with those shock paddles before it’s time to shut off the defibrillator?  But, that’s the bad news. As promised, here is some good news...

Discord Designates Cheney Enemy Combatant
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Washington, DC - Sometimes when you dismantle the rule of law and then give up the One Ring to another group, problems arise.  This is the case for former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Rooting for another attack against the homeland can easily find Cheney on the darkside of his own brand of politique. Our CIA director, Leon ‘Death Squad’ Panetta, feels that Dick Cheney wants to see another attack on the US, probably to assure that we stay sufficiently afraid, vigilant, and demented.

Torture:  It’s Not Just for Gitmo Anymore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

During my last discussion with the Crank over Memorial Day weekend, we did manage to reach the spirit of compromise in several key areas. We decided on Star Trek for the movie and Coke and Guinness for the BBQ afterwards, but beyond that…  We actually do agree on quite a few areas and can reach a compromise, of sorts, on other important topics (like appetizers and side salads).  The one thing we can’t seem to agree on, in fact, we both get rather heated when mentioned, is torture.  Torture is a completely indefensible position and the fact that we are having this debate for so long only shows how deeply the Bush/Cheney ideology has mired us in an amoral funk not unlike my sophomore year at college.  The Crank feels, much like Cheney, that we need to go to the dark side to beat these guys, not unlike my junior year in college.  On some level I understand the ‘24 scenario’.  A dirty bomb is being smuggled into Baltimore and the guy sitting in our holding cell knows when and where. Obviously, we need to get that info and, if real techniques prove fruitless, we would strain some of the Geneva Conventions, as well as a few muscles, to extract that information.  We just have to ask ourselves, what would a reasonable person do in that situation?  In this scenario prosecutions would be unlikely, but to base our laws on that extreme scenario is ridiculous.

What is the Southwest’s Fascination with Jerky and Will They Get Over It?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Since moving to the great American southwest, I have grown increasingly troubled by some of the local customs, color, and culinary transgressions associated with the high-desert peoples.  Normally, the thought of stopping at a jerky stand would never even enter my consciousness, but here, in the land of dirt, dust, and more dirt, I can not help but notice any and every business I pass in my travels, mainly because I’ve only seen four of them.  Somewhat disturbing was the moment I realized that the scant few ‘establishments’ found outside of civilization’s kindly influence involve a suspiciously high amount of jerky.  Two jerky related incidents struck me with considerable angst in recent weeks.  The first occurred north of Phoenix in a town called North of Phoenix where a fat man with a straw hat sat in the blazing heat selling jerky products to passersby.   It was over one hundred degrees at this particular moment in time and this man had no cold beverages to peddle, as if man can subsist on jerky alone.  I’m not just saying that…that’s what his homemade sign read: Man Can Subsist On Jerky Alone.  Granted, this is a free country, but that guy’s life insurance rates should be higher than mine, just on principle. 

How Science Fiction Lost Its Soul and How We Can Beam It Back
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

There are many reasons for the decline of science fiction. OK, in all fairness, my version of science fiction. As an avid sci-fi fan who almost never watches the Sci-Fi channel, I’ve started to reflect on where it all went so horribly wrong. There are many culprits. First, the movie Outlander comes to mind.  Outlander, not the Scottish decapitating swordsman dude, but the Sean Connery as an aging space-cop dude, was a sci-fi crossroads of sorts. This movie was simply a cops-and-robbers story set on one of Jupiter’s moons. For the first time, the setting, the actual reason we are watching a science fiction movie in the first place, took a backseat to a space-marshal human drama. Support your local Cylon?

Hey, Joe, Where You Going With My Gun in Your Hand?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Team Obama claims to be 2nd Amendment rights advocates, but their voting record suggests otherwise. Time and time again, Obama has voted in favor gun control bills.   He even voted for a bill that would close several gun manufacturers such as Les Baer, Springfield Armory, and Armalite (among others).  Is Armalite designed for the gun-toter’s wives?  You know, with only half the calories as the leading handgun?  Our Vice President is perhaps even less friendly to the gun-toting NRA types and may well have had one of his minions pry Heston’s rifle from his cold, dead hands.  Perhaps more disturbing, the National Rifle Association has recently scored Joe the Veeper an F on his gun rights record.

The Transcosmetic Party: Evolve or Dissolve
By Pokey McDooris

We long for a mathematical certainty of political allegiance leading to higher levels of human life and culture. Right now in the political world, there is only one thing certain: our system is overrun with corruption, deception, insanity, stupidity, and, of course, shit goblins.  What is Enlightenment? Issue 38 states that we can indeed unite and evolve to a new stage of culture.  Thank goodness, because Issue 37 said we were all fucked.  There is still hope for a real authentic social movement that includes and transcends all of the problems of the postmodern pluralistic worldview and its shadow side, aka, countercultural relativistic fatalism (CRF). 

Why I Am Protesting All Protests and Finally Turning off Cable News
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My movement shall begin humbly enough, but like that moth that beats its wings in China, it will eventually cause a tsunami of public discontent…you know, like in college. It all began outside of Maloney’s Irish Pub, just before happy hour, when the appetizers are half-priced, the way God intended. I was thinking about my disgust for Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann and, yes, my growing disdain for the Zamboni Gypsies. OK, OK, I was a little early for happy hour. Some people hit the bathroom for the interim, while others decide to change the very course of history.

Obama’s Hate Speech
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Burbank, CA—President Obama made a very off color reference on the Tonight Show the other evening, so he must hate the developmentally disabled, right?  Granted, when I was thirteen, I named my bowling team Jerry’s Kids, but I’m not president, OK, so lay off.  Sometimes a gaffe is a gaffe is a gaffe, people.  He apologized, get over it.  On the other hand, our illustrious leader got a taste of his own medicine, didn’t he?

Integral Men Are Real Men: Cranken Revisited
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Real men are integral men.  Meditation increases blood flow to the brain, thickens the cerebral cortex, boosts immunity, lessens stress, promotes better sex, and promotes better everything, frankly.  In response to your ‘tribute to Cheney’ article, and other slams on yours truly, the John Wayne’s of the world have had their time.  Whereas I can commiserate with your touch of nostalgia; Bush’s cowboy brand of justice is out of style.  That is not to say aspects of this perspective aren’t sometimes necessary, but the people you champion consistently place personalities before principles (very consistently).

Ghost Writers in the Sand
By Mick Zano and Bald Tony

In the blazing January sun, Bald Tony and Mick Zano drove the 38 miles south from Las Vegas toward the infamous Pioneer Saloon in Goodsprings, NV.

Flagstaff’s Infamous Monte Vista Hotel
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Monte Vista is the centerpiece of downtown Flagstaff, AZ.  The hotel is also believed by locals to be quite haunted.  Built in 1926, the old structure stands as a testament to the ingenuity of the new world’s frontier pioneers, the people of the land, the common clay of the great American west…you know, morons.   The hotel is complete with a Phantom Bellboy who reportedly—and I’m not making this up—knocks at random doors and in a muffled voice says “room service”.   Talk about an unimaginative afterlife. 

$28.00
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Can you pay $28.00 dollars for a knee brace sold on-line for $545.00 and feel ripped off?  I do, thanks to my last escapade with my son’s Orthopedic Doctors Office, and my insurance company.  Bring on government run health care, it can’t be any worse than this, I hope.

Help, I Accidentally Turned on Hannity’s America Last Week!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I really don’t watch Hannity’s America, for obvious reasons, but what with the world ending and all, there was nothing else on…and, well, I guess I was kind of wondering if he was exhibiting anything resembling one of the three “R”s of incessantly wrongful journalism: remorse, regret, or reality. 

Haunted Gettysburg
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The night was moist and clingy like a BBQ-sauce-smeared wet nap.  A damp chill hung in the air like a BBQ-sauce-smeared wet nap.  OK, I’m out of similes.  I got nothing.  As fate would have it, there were far too many eateries and drinkeries within walking distance of our hotel to do any justice to the ghosts of Gettysburg.  In a spirits vs. spirits grudge-match in my world, the carboxyl group version trumps ectoplasm every time.  Some people shake at the sight of spirits; I shake when I don’t get enough of the other kind.

Gay Marriage Rebutthole
By Pokey McDooris

I’m proud to notice how Mick Zano’s writing skills have sharpened with this recent move west; I only wish I could say the same about his reasoning skills.  On the gay marriage issue, Mick makes one valid point, and on that I agree—many people’s rational arguments against gay marriage are a mere mask for their deeper bigoted motivations.  Unfortunately, there are occasions when bigoted assholes make better arguments than Mick Zano.

A Brief History of Anything
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

How do I condense forty years of life-knowledge into a single Discord column?   OK, more accurately, how do I fill the whole column?  After four decades, I find myself knowing suspiciously little—masters level little—on-line masters level little (or OLMLL to those who can still tolerate our lousy acronym jokes).  Whereas I have predicted many recent political events—or more accurately, their horrific ramifications—I hardly think it took much insight.  I’ve never felt smarter than any U.S. president, until now.  But thanks anyway, W, for playing your own small part in the boosting of my self esteem.  Granted, it’s at the cost of the American way of life, but che sara.  In fact, Che Guevara for all I care.

Congressman Paul Broun: I Call You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Integral minded people do not stoop to segments entitled, ‘Worst Person in the World,’ nor do they deem others ‘Enemies of the Week,’ and they certainly do not put people ‘on notice’ for any of their political beliefs. We shouldn’t even ‘wag our finger’ at anyone unless, in doing so, it is hoped to guide them back onto the path toward enlightened self-realization.  Instead of these crass attacks upon people’s character, we are going to start our own column: ‘I’m Calling You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag!’  This week, on our first second-tier inspired mission of ‘I’m Calling You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag,’ we focus on nudging Georgia Rep. Paul Broun toward something people at the edge of the Republican cocoon are referring to as ‘reality.’  Think of it like Sarah Palin staring at those distant Russian shores through her 600 dollar Oakley sunglasses.  Vague shapes are appearing on those far away conservative beachheads all around America.  Congressman, some of your brethren are wrestling with their souls and the future of Republicanism.  You can join the pity party any time.

Al-Qaeda: Mission Accomplished
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

After this last eight years, it is time to assess our Global War on Terror.  Reflecting on events, the first thing that sprung to mind is Mission Accomplished.  Unfortunately, this is not in reference to the efforts of the United States of America.  In 2001 Osama Bin Laden voiced his main objectives—loud and clear for those listening—or at least that’s what they told me at that Afghani ‘training camp.’

Much Discord in Blamesylvania
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The debate in question is an on-going one, waged over the past six years, between myself and fellow Discordian, Pokey McDooris.  Here and now I hope to land the knock-out punch.  Recently our rants have shifted to the societal collapse lurking at the edge of the collective psyche—a phenomenon I call the Scheisstgeist.  Our late night debates typically include our wasteland warrior mission statement (which is still in progress).  We also wonder, as integral warlord hopefuls, whether or not owning sex slaves will impede our chances for enlightenment.  Most importantly, we contemplate the logistics of brewing beer from bread and gobs of our own spittle.  In other words, we both agree America is in trouble, but we fundamentally disagree on how we, as a nation, got here.

Bush, Fascism, and the Other ‘N’ Word
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s time to put an end to the unfounded accusations that our government is moving toward fascism.  Most people probably don’t even know the real definition. Fascism involves an unhealthy enmeshment between corporations and government.  For instances, Bush’s entrepreneurial buddies throwing Enron-like parties at the taxpayer’s expense and leaders waging wars while sitting on the boards of profiting companies…unrelated stuff like that.

A Recent Email Exchange Between Barak Obama and the Discord’s Own, Mick Zano

Mick --


This night could not have happened 40 years ago -- or even 4 years ago.

And it could not have happened without you.

You believed, against the odds, that change was possible. I felt your passion here tonight, and I know it was shared by millions of Americans who are building this movement all across the country.

Tonight is your night. But tonight is just the beginning.

I need your support more than ever.


Barak Obama

Dear Barak,

I don’t think we should see each other any more. It was fun and all, and, let’s face it, Biden was a much better pick than what’s-her-name. But here’s the thing: you’ve been plugging up my email and impeding my ability to get to LesbianGladiators.com. I need lesbians Barak, and I am not as interested in their rights to visit each other in hospitals as I am their ability to fight each other in the field of battle with only their glistening god-given armor and a broad sword (pardon the pun).


Mick Zano

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Losing Pub Friends in the Starbuckarama
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I am worried about my friend, Dave. Unlike most of our fellow Discordians, Dave never made the successful transition from the bar scene to the coffee shops.  Dave never even made the ever important transition from the bars to the pubs either.  In fact, if memory serves, he never made the transition from junior high to high school, but that’s a different story (spelled GED, incidentally).

Pterodactyls and Thunderbirds Account for Most UFO Sightings Says Elvis Clone

After interviewing an Elvis clone at the Graceland Genome Institute and Nail Salon, our own Cokie McGrath had this to say, “These people are &^%$ing creepy.”  McGrath determined that Elvis Clones are tabloid savvy and represent “only a moderate risk to the general public.”

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Who’s Looking Out for “True”?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

How do we really know what’s going on?  Truth seems harder to find than an Obama supporter on the Appalachian Trail.  These days, how can anyone parse out the truth in politics, culture, or even science?  Yes, even science is suspect.

Cheney: King of the Damned?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Warning: To the casual reader who is blissfully unaware of the darker goings-on within the current administration, the contents of this article may prove deeply disturbing. To those with weak constitutions: consider Ron Paul’s candidacy.

Something sinister has happened to Vice President Dick Cheney. My suspicions were aroused after viewing a video clip wherein Mr. Cheney alludes to the insanity of a regime change in Iraq.

Sexism, Paganism and the Lost Gospel of Moe
By Pokey McDooris and Mick Zano

Christianity remains shadowed by the sexist authoritative indoctrination that fueled the establishment of the Orthodox Church for centuries. We must come to terms with our religion’s shady history in order to cleanse our psyches from any prejudices that inhibit the authentic experience of compassion, love, God and barely legal Japanese anime.

Time Traveling Prankster Tells Aztecs the Sun Will Extinguish Without Human Blood.

"Having a Time Lord for a son has its challenges," admits Jimmy's mother. "He has always been a jokester—always putting a whoopee cushion on your seat, propping a bucket of water over a doorway, or setting your bed on fire while you sleep. Such a goof, that boy." Jimmy's father had this to say about his son's recent Aztec hijinks, "Well, it's better than that time he shot the Archduke Ferdinand."

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Hope Wanes of Ever Finding Amelia Earhart Alive

"The last vestiges of hope have been snuffed out by the fact that she would be 121 years old if she were alive today," says great, great grandchild Sparky Earhart. "So if she were alive today, she would most certainly be dead," clarifies Sparky. When asked to speculate on his great great grandmother’s demise, Sparky had this to say, "I like to think that she was eaten alive by cannibals, because that would mean …no wait, not eaten alive by cannibals."

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While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi
While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi, And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
 
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Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016
Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016, Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
 
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Sebelius Escorted Out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent
Sebelius Escorted out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent, I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
 
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And the Runner up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes To...
And the Runner Up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes to...Yes...we have worse this week.
Yes...we have worse this week.
 
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Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President

Coral Gables, Fl—Former Governor of Florida and presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has proposed a new family tree suggesting he is in no way related to his brother, George W. Bush. The news came as quite a surprise to the rest of the Bush family, who always felt there was some relation between the two siblings.

"As you can clearly see from this graph," said Bush, "...uh, that Mick Zano Photoshopped onto a Holiday Inn conference room wall behind me (throat clear), that I am in no way related to my brother, George. In fact, Ancestry.com recently sent me a letter urging me to send back the leaf that represents George on my family tree. It’s all part of some massive ancestral-relational recall thing. It’s really complicated stuff involving quantum lineage, genealogical anomalies, and vodka spritzers. Bottom line, he’s not my real brother. It all makes perfect sense, I mean, the rest of the Bush’s can read and write."

Barbara Bush, the mother of at least one of the brothers, said, "I’m happy for Jeb, because he now has a promising political future, but I’m sad for George, who only paints now...well, it’s coloring really as the outlines are already on the page. He stays in the lines, though, which is better than he did in office."

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No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote That Fell Between the Cushions
No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote that Fell Between the Cushions, Sadly, the 18 Minutes of Watergate Footage recovered is too soggy to restore
Sadly, the 18 minutes of Watergate footage recovered is too soggy to restore
 
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At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds
At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds, Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
 
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Discord Poll: One in Two Bears Ready to Devour Colbert!
Discord Poll: One in Two Bears Ready to Devour Colbert!
 
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High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case
High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case, It should be a law that you have to watch The Beatles "Love" stoned
It should be a law that you have to watch The Beatles "Love" stoned
 
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Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland
Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland, "All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
"All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
 
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Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme Takes Net by Storm
Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme takes Net by Storm, Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
 
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And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes to...
 
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Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

CPAC Run!
By Mick Zano
CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord's prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes To...
And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes to...
 
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The 80's Called and They Want Their Bad Joke Back
The 80's Called and They Want Their Bad Joke Back
 
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Benghazi Isn’t a Scandal, It’s a Cry for Help
Study: GOP Spends 60% of Time Thinking About Benghazi, Still Don’t Get It, A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
 
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On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud
On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud,
"Ramis was an inspiration to me, but don't hold that against him"
—Mick Zano
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
 
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Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You think that’s bad? Initially I was going with drone strikes. The list of our-dangerously-incomptent-politicians-who-we-must-run-out-of-office has changed. Instead of identifying them via their support for Sarah Palin, we need to switch to all those elected officials derailing our current peace talks with Iran, D or R. Please turn in your flag lapel pins and all those donations acquired illegally before your car is towed.

Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
 
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Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 
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Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
By Mick Zano
Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
Mick Zano

Are you having a hard time deciphering Obama scandals? Are you confused whether or not Obama should be impeached? Can you even keep all of these scandals straight? I have turned all of our 44th President’s scandals into fun, easily digestible cartoons. So in five minutes you’ll finally understand everything, or your money back!

Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, "All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States."

Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!"
Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!" Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
 
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Either Way Christie Was Not Going to Be Nominated
Either Way Christie was Not Going to be Nominated, Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
 
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IRS: Incessant Republican Scandals
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter...as "fairy" dust is generally frowned upon.

Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
By Mick Zano
Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
Mick Zano

Through propaganda the rightwing media has effectively thinned the ice for Obama, which is not an easy trick during a polar vortex. So when his healthcare rollout faltered he immediately dropped to Bush-level approval ratings. Well played. I agree, ObamaCare is one of the worst things to ever happen to this country...um, except the whole it has barely started thing.

Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should Not Be AZ’s Governor
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should not be AZ’s Governor

1. He’s Half Past Dead (2002), or is that our senior Senator?

2. He’s Chosen the Path Beyond Thought (2001). See anything on Fox News.

3. He’s got a Fire Down Below (1997)...which could be syphilis.

See All 10...
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Fast & Furious Weapons Found in Benghazi
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m going there again. Why not? At this point I’m eligible for some frequent blogger miles. We keep learning more and more about Benghazi, well, at least we learn more about the relative mental health of one faction of our society, or the World According to GOP.

Discord Pushes Boundary of Billboard Ad Decency
Discord Pushes Boundary of Billboard Ad Decency
 
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Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!!
Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!! No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
 
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Eternal Damnation, Probably
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, "No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave." This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide
I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide, Sharp dressed men take it in the tush and other bad DDtop jokes
Sharp dressed men take it in the tush and other bad DDtop jokes
 
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Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
 
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Obamacare Woes Make Me Long for Benghazi Headlines
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Benghazi is truly Obama’s biggest scandal. No shit. On a scale of one to ten, it nearly reaches the scale. After 472 Benghazi headlines all I learned is that republicans are equally culpable. And, yes, headline #473 brought me back to this lousy topic: Did Hillary Clinton’s Globetrotting Ways Contribute to Benghazi Disaster?

Study Deems Windfarms Safe...ish, OK, maybe we should stick with solar...
 
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Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive From Japan for the Holidays
Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive from Japan for the Holidays, Well, it's better than what China got us.
Well, it's better than what China got us.
 
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The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Dictatorial Sitcoms of All Time

1. Despot Housewives

2. It’s Always Sunny in Damascus

3. Arrested Dismemberment

See All 10...
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The Tea Party Band Has All Your Block-a-Billy Favs!
The Tea Party Band has all your Block-a-Billy Favs! Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
 
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Palin to Ride From Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform
Palin to Ride from Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform, "Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
"Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
 
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Pepperidge Farms Alzheimers
 
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Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare?
Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare? Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
 
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Obamakazi: Is the ACA a Suicide Mission?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I am not all that concerned about Obamacare’s impact on other insurance companies—who suck, by the way—or of rampant socialism, or death panels, or Fox’s next paranoid-based theme of the week (FNPBTW). It’s those unintended consequences that concern me. Obama’s failure could well fan the flames of a dying political party. So to help, this site is now a portal for the ACA. Please click below to enroll at...Shit! We crashed!

Bone Knocks Block Off Scout Leader Blockhead
Bone Knocks Block Off Scout Leader Blockhead, Exacts revenge on rock toppling ruffian
Exacts revenge on rock toppling ruffian
 
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Stones Admit to Cameos in Every Walking Dead Episode
Stones Admit to Cameos in Every Walking Dead Episode, "We love the show and they save on makeup" —Keith Richards
"We love the show and they save on makeup"
—Keith Richards
 
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Our Country Started With a Tea Party and Will Likely End by One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Full circle jerk. Regardless of these final negotiations Obama needs to enact an executive order to pay our bills, now. Playtime is over. He’ll be impeached, of course, but who cares? We need to avoid the collapse of the U.S. dollar as the world standard at all cost, pardon the pun. Oh, and don’t worry, the impeachment process has already been marginalized—or, as I call it, the Full Lewinsky.

You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?!
You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?! “That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car”  —Mick Zano
“That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car” —Mick Zano
 
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Polarization Nation: Thanks for Ending Our Democracy
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment...oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

Remember When the GOP Just Sucked While in Office?
Remember When The GOP Just Sucked while in Office?
 
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Zano Initiates Operation Gloat and Jeer
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Less than 48-hours after I posted my Syria feature, Assad struck a deal to start handing over his WMDs.  Apparently, the single message of the U.S., Russia, and The Daily Discord proved too much for the evil tyrant. As for what the rest of you were thinking, umm, I’m afraid you had a case of the Grand Old Propagandas. Despite the implications, republicans are still trying to make this the most poorly handled foreign intervention ever. And to this I say, amen.

You Don’t Know Why It’s Bush’s Fault? Syriaously?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Nothing registering? The famous Foxeteer flat line?  Let me splain’. Last week England, our staunchest ally, said, "Piss off. We’re not helping." Know why they said that?  Still nothing?  Perhaps I should resort to finger puppets, or at least one finger.

Fox News Mini-Series: Our Shrinking Deficit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Okay, maybe not. The right is ignoring the fact our deficit has reached pre-collapse levels. Actually there’s two important numbers, the deficit as compared to GDP and our overall debt. The first you won’t hear mentioned on Fox News and the second you won’t hear mentioned on MSNBC. But if current projections hold true, what will Fox News focus on then? Hint: it rhymes with Hi-Dumb-Deployment.

GOP Moving More Conservative? Whaah?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Moving further right? And here I thought some of the Foxeteers were starting to Google words like insight and reality. Oh wait, that could get you on the terrorist watch list. The good news is this: a shift to an even more radical conservatism means they will never hold power again. In that case, proceed Governor.

Should We Clone Moderate Republican DNA?
Mick Zano

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

Freedumb
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Only three days after my post entitled Scandal Quest, wherein I discussed the only significant White House scandal, President Obama caved faster than a Bourne Ultimatum Jenga match. Sorry to drone on about this, but do you know why Obama is addressing my concerns? (Hint: they’re real.) Do you know why he’s not addressing the GOP’s concerns? (Hint: they’re not.)

GOP: Debt, Delusion, and Drudge
Mick Zano

Historically liberal presidents have kept social programs afloat while lowering deficits. President Obama had the hardest time, for obvious Reagans, but it’s finally working (sorry, couldn’t work Bush into that one). The GOP, on the other hand, is forever shifting all resources to a handful of people while turning our country into a deficit-ridden slum. The fact none of them have deciphered their own mission statement, not to mention their own historical record, is a testament to the Matt Drudge’s of the world.

Ghost Busted: Team Discord Bested by Rank Amateur
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whenever a major apparition is captured on film, you can bet the Discord’s Ghost Blunders are there...um, or at least sleeping down the hall. My daughter captured the best image to date with her iPhone, several feet from my bedroom. Did I mention I’m her inspiration for ghost hunting? Okay, she thinks I’m an idiot but, hey, I paid for the iPhone that took the image. So there. Click to see this truly creepy picture!

My Life in Retail: Part One
By The Crank
The Crank

As I think about my life, my thoughts turn to the whole "Legacy" thing. What do I actually leave with my friends and relatives when Momzilla pulls me kicking and screaming into the next world? Will people even remember me 15 minutes after I’m gone? Probably not, with the exception of Mikko passing a rag over his forehead and saying "whew, thank Darwin that’s over."

Alex Bone’s Get Poor Quick Scheme
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Flagstaff, AZ (aka, Poverty with a View)—Most people in America and the majority of the rest of the world are striving to be rich, but they’re overlooking the truly wonderful advantages of being flat broke. For instance, you will have more free time because your schedule will not be bogged down with things like trips, vacations, shopping, or eating. Things like gaining too much weight—no problem. And no one will ever asks you to borrow money! Hell, they won’t even ask you to babysit for fear you might eat their children.

Conservative Legacies: Just Say No
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What are we to make of the likes of a Ronald Reagan or a Margaret Thatcher? We have trouble understanding what happened in yesterday’s news cycle, let alone decades ago. For instance Thatcher headed the Inquisition and started the Black Plague, while Reagan was most known for implementing alternate-street-parking here in the states, right?

Obama Calls for "Courage" In Face of Pending Release of Discord Videos

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire.  The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

"There is still something called the 1st Amendment," said Obama. "Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way."

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

"We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos," said Winslow. "I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in...or, in this case, a brew in."

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. "We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project," said Winslow, "but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated."

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The Darker Corner of The TwiRight Zone
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part Two)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

Information: Why We No Longer Get Any
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Here’s what makes me crazy! ...well, besides my diagnosis. During any given news cycle some source article or another somewhere on the web is immediately translated into something resembling political pink slime (PPS).  This new version of reality is then disseminated through Fox News, AM radio and any number of social sites for the purpose of perpetuating an easily dismissible false narrative. An example? How about: Godzilla Sighted Near Coastal City shows up on Twitter as Is Obama Weak on Radioactively Enlarged Reptiles?

The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
By Mick Zano
The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
Mick Zano

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever...well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Fox & Hagels: The Anti-Semitic Sandwich
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

Because Our Stupidity Goes to 11!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

Scandals: No One Expects the Outlandish Inquisition!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love the Republican version of a scandal. "When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him...yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!" I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

Rove V World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
By Mick Zano
Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the "Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s" request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
By Mick Zano
Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—We heard through the grapevine some folks were having strange experiences at one of the local brewpubs...not the kind of experiences usually associated with half-priced drink specials. All kinds of spooky things were happening after hours at Flagstaff Brewing Company. Looks like the Ghost Blunders were going to have to put in some overtime on this one. One of the managers, Marcus, called us in dire need of assistance. Okay, we called him, but he was willing to let us do our thing if we promised not to break anything.

Divided by Plan: or How I Learned to Stop Voting and Love the Bums
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Crank is right about one thing...naah, just kidding. Sorry but meaningful debate is deader than the Kentucky Darwin Museum. It’s why any discourse officially ended here on The Discord; it’s why I’ve decided to hunt ghosts in brewpubs instead of cover our pending collapse (Twilight of the Grogs?). Today, if you show any political insight whatsoever, you can be overturned with one Bachmannesque, crayon-graph backed rant.

Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
By Mick Zano
Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
Mick Zano

Silverton, CO—Onward to part three of my epic four part series on the Ghosts of Colorado. My wife and I pulled into Silverton after surviving the treacherous "million dollar highway." They probably should have spent a little more than that and put up some flippin’ guardrails! In some spots, veering your car just a hair beyond the fog line means certain death. Silverton, meanwhile, is a quaint little place...at least from a distance. When you get closer it starts to look like Sanford & Son decided to go into the western town business. I tied the old Impala to a hitching post and found the first brewpub for some much needed "research".

Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program
Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program

Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, "I’m takin’ em, bitches." Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press "whatever it takes." He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of "an important conspiracy operation thingie." Obama told reporters, "All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism."

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. "I will overturn the 1st and 2nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er...a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood," said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, "All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney...especially the Scalia part."

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.

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Romney’s American Idol Judges Joker Olympics!
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

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Dawn of the Dumb: A Look Back to 2012
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In the year 2050 The Daily Discord is celebrating its 42nd anniversary and its one thousandth page view! Whoot! Whoot!...that’s almost 25 a year! We would like to look back to the time of the Discord’s inception—a time of turbulence, a time when humanity turned away from logic, reason, science, and a hit television show known only as Glee.

The Fudge Report: The Disservice of Matt Drudge
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I chose June 3rd to interpret Matt Drudge’s sad, ideological nonsense over on The Drudge Report. For those of you non-Drudgers, this guy cherry picks headlines designed to embarrass the President and reorganizes information in the guise of a news site. These headlines seem damning and they often paint quite a picture. What they don’t tell you is the artist of said picture has been huffing the paint fumes.

2012: A Space Case Odyssey
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Not sure if the Mayan Gods are returning any time soon, but I do know neither of our presidential contenders can save America in its current form. What’s the current form, you ask? One hint, Forrest Gump stepped in a pile right outside of this very Flagstaff coffee shop where I’m writing this tripe. That’s deep, Mick, real deep. Yeah, well not as deep as the pile this country stepped in..."It happens."

The Land Speaks and We Listen...
The Land Speaks and We Listen, Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
 
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Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
By Mick Zano
Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
Mick Zano

On the balcony of the Weatherford Hotel, Alex Bone and I were minding our own business and kicking back a brewski. Many stories begin this way. Bone man had already managed to piss off one of the owners, Sam, and somehow turned his flagrant obnoxiousness into a free shot of tequila. Bone is living proof the customer isn’t always right, yet it still pays dividends.

The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
By The Crank
The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
The Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors...you know, the Middle Class.

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
By Mick Zano
Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he...). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
By Alex Bone
The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
Alex Bone

In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."

Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?
Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition...if he had any."

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack "would only stir the hornet’s nest."

"Who knows how they will retaliate," said the Discord’s Mick Zano. "We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns."

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. "For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List," said Zano.

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Flagstaff’s Brew Ha-Ha Gets the Last Laugh
By Mick Zano
Flagstaff Brew-Ha-Ha
Mick Zano

After the Made in the Shade incident, I swore I would never cover another brew festival again. I made this proclamation to my wife the next day, or maybe she told me. Well, the beauty of being me is no longer being burdened with any long or short term memory whatsoever. And, in retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have gone to that second party afterward.

Live Blogging the Movie Twilight: Now I Know Why I Hate Anne Rice
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I tried live-blogging the movie Twilight. Never do this. I would rather live-blog a hundred Republican debates in a pool of acid (not LSD). Not sure which Twilight thingy, exactly. Mr. Winslow would never reimburse me for an actual movie ticket, so this was purely a televised event. At least it was a night filled with monsters other than Mitt and Newt for a change.

Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
By Mick Zano
Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
Mick Zano

Many are mortified how well right wing radical, Stephen Colbert, is polling in the South Carolina Primary. He’s holding at 5%, polling considerably better than John Huntsman, who since stated, "I might as well join the f*^%ing Peace Corps." Some feel this comedic surge may eventually shift Colbert into the position as the anti-Romney candidate. These same folks feel this eventuality could change life as we know it forever!

The Taliban, the Hawks and the Biden "Gaffe"
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The plan in Afghanistan, even under General Stanley McChrystal, was to reach out to the moderate brand of the Taliban and bring them back to the table. This has been the "the plan" since, umm, ever. So, we finally start to implement the thing and everyone goes ape shit? Attacking moderate and radical Muslims alike, as they represent approximately a third of the planet, is madness...or, as I like to call it, modern conservatism. This route will surely find us all committed to a Santorium somewhere. Sorry, Rick. Your turn.

The Alan Colmes of Facebook and the Comment Thread from Hell
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following was originally an 85-post comment thread. I rarely got a word in edgewise, but a few inconvenient facts ruffled some Foxeteer feathers, right on cue. What was really funny about this dialogue—which spanned three hours and completely interrupted my pornography download session—was the fact that I was the only non-Foxeteer in the virtual jungle. I am the reason this became an 85-post thread from hell. And I’d do it again…

There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
By Dave Atsals
There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
Dave Atsals

In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.

Entitled Occupiers, Sociopaths, and those "Free Market" Slaves
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Most Americans fit into one of the three categories above, all nice and tidy like, which I will ridicule each of you for soon enough. First, how do we galvanize this Occupy Movement into something meaningful and lasting, like the second season of Jersey Shore?

Hiking Sedona: The Do’s and the...well, just the Don’ts
By Mick Zano

The following is a real account of the incredible events that occurred on October 17th. These two vaguely-adult-like individuals, Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath, don’t agree on what exactly transpired after their "Occupy Wal-Mart" protest in nearby Cottonwood. Each insists their version of this hike-gone-horribly-wrong is the correct one. We’ll let you decide. The fact both of these intrepid explorers survived this ordeal is a testament to…who cares? But it’s really funny to laugh at them during this classic he said, she said. Enjoy.

I Said I Wasn’t Going to Read Zano’s Post, But, Alas, I Did
By The Crank
The Crank

Mikko, I usually forgo reading your diatribes because, well, your diatribes are no longer funny. I don’t like being sad, and you make me sad. Sad is the opposite of funny. I’m sorry, but it’s true, ask anyone. Oh, that’s right…to ask someone you’d have to be on speaking terms with them. Sorry, I forgot the whole "Zano no longer exists in our world" pledge we all took here at the ‘cord.

Chinatown Vegas: You Go Now!
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Not many folks realize there is a Chinatown in Las Vegas. In fact, I was a local for nearly five years before I even found it…and it’s huge! I moved here in the year of the rabbit and didn’t find Chinatown until the year of the flipping ox. You see, Las Vegas Blvd runs north-south, dividing the city east-west, and I have always been an eastsider. Among locals, crossing LVB to go to the other side, whichever side that is, is generally considered unnecessary, stupid, and in some cases criminal.

Top 10: The Best Guinness in Las Vegas Revealed!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post is over two years in the making, but only because I just learned how to use Word. It took longer for Bald Tony and I to complete this arduous Irish/Vegas pubcrawl than it took Frodo and Sam to journey to Mordor. Granted, we would have remained at the Green Dragon until the orcs razed the place, but, who knows, maybe Sauron would have kept us on as Middle-Earth beer tasters? Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Yes Mr. Winslow, I just compared you to a dark sorcerer, but in a good way…really. Oh, on that note, I’ve just released a Nazgul toward Barad dur with our receipts.

Live-Blogging the Republican Debate on Opiates
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

After watching the show Monday night, I have to admit to being wrong.  These candidates are really shaping up to be a prepared, well-informed group of individuals.  Oh, you mean the Republican candidates…I was talking about American Idol.  Sorry.  I only wish Trump and Palin were there to share in the Thorazine love.  Speaking of Thorazine, why isn’t Glenn Beck running?  I think if those three came on board, you’d have a nice representative slice of Americana…the criminally deranged slice.

Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
By Mick Zano
Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
Mick Zano

Whenever my laptop takes a crap, every few months it seems, I send it to Dell and then march over to my local Rent-a-Center for a temporary replacement…all in the name of keeping this exciting e-zine percolating.  This will be my last visit to Rent-a-Center and this time it’s not because of the beer-soaked flat-screen incident.

Damn, I still Hate Facebook
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, maybe loathe is better…yeah, fear and loathing on some God-awful social site.  Let’s be clear about this, I’m only on Facebook to promote the Daily Discord, which sucks!   Our other venues grow like social site Chia Pets, even when ignored, but Facebook?  What’s more disturbing, there’s something inherently wrong with Facebook and the whole virtual narcissistic cesspool (VNC).  As John Bender once said, "It’s demented and sad, but social."

Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

The Crank Redeemed!  Everything in my Last Post was Liberal Propaganda
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Once again, the Crank has reduced all eternal truths into someone else’s stock options. So everything is wrong in my last post, eh? Let’s assume he’s right for a moment, ha ha ha hahahaa.  Sorry, that was funny.  Mr. Crank, you have a singular ability to misrepresent all of my positions and points.  Some would call that consistency; I call it something else.

No Negotiating with Teabaggerists!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are at yet another critical juncture in our history and we have dumb and dumber duking it out in DC.  This is when you have to ask yourself, do you want dumb to stop dumber (D: raising the debt ceiling and revenues and then failing to reduce spending), or do you want dumber to stop dumb (R: those forcing spending cuts only)?  Oh, did I mention there’s also dumbest (the Tea Party who won’t allow any tax increases or any debt ceiling management)?  Good times…

Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other "points."  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Sedona’s Red Rock Café…BWTF?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sedona, AZ—Before I start making fun of the Red Rock Café, I have to say I am a fan of this joint. It’s my favorite coffee shop in this neck of the cacti.  Their Americano is in the zone and, frankly, that’s all that matters.  However, I really need to point out a huge flaw in this establishment’s architectural and ambiancical prowess.  Yes, ambiancical is a word.  I believe the root word, biancical, means of or like Beyoncé.

The Debate We Should be Having: Why My "No Foxeeter Left Behind Program" is Failing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Egotistical, moi?  When my country is dying, sorry, I’m allowed to be a little miffed.  Frankly, I’m reaaaallly miffed!  Some things we are both angry about, but too much of your outrage is directed at things either blown out of proportion, or likely to be disproven a year from now.  But that’s OK, because by then you’ll be reacting to a whole new batch of false assumptions. 

The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I hate economics.  If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are...  The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway.  I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.

Holy Rollercoaster, Batman!
By Mick Zano
Holy Rollercoaster, Batman!
Mick Zano

During my family’s last trip to Las Vegas, my daughter insisted on going on The Manhattan Express at the New York, New York casino.  Never do this.  It’s a harrowing rollercoaster ride, but, even more of a deterrent, it’s right by Nine Fine Irishmen. So what’s a good father to do?  I sent ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony on with her, of course, and started toward me Guinness.

Celtic Crossings: Best Guinness Pour in AZ
By Mick Zano
Celtic Crossings: Best Guinness Pour in AZ
Mick Zano

Prescott, AZ—This article has been a long time in the drinking. I have several crib notes on this place that have since been completely lost, which is a compliment to the establishment. I found Celtic Crossings a couple of years ago and now it has become one of my favorite Arizona Irish pubs. In fact, this pub changed my life…just not for the better.

Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
By Mick Zano
Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
Mick Zano

As a psychology dude, sometimes I try to figure out where the right is coming from.  My move from the east coast to AZ was kind of like Dian Fossey’s move to the Serengeti (sorry to nitpick).  Anyway, perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report, I was about to read, More Americans Work for Gov’t than Ever...  I know, I know, but let’s give the right the benefit of the…holy crap!  My eyes shifted to the next headline. Bachmann is out fundraising Romney for the GOP nominee?!  I uttered that old Blazing Saddle’s line, "Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!"

The View from My Guinness: A Stout Pours in Sedona
By Mick Zano
The View from My Guinness: A Stout Pours in Sedona
Mick Zano

I have been living in northern Arizona for almost a few years now and I have both loved and loathed nearby Sedona.  It’s such wonderful place, a place sacred to both the Hopi and hobo alike, and yet there’s always something missing.  One thing that comes to mind is the lack of a well poured Guinness—actually, any Guinness for that matter. 

Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

The Case for Obama’s Impeachment
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

What Are You so Damn Proud of Real America?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem?  America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again. 

The First Rule of Pizza Club is Don’t Talk About Pizza Club
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Las Vegas, NV—Just a few short weeks ago, the Cosmopolitan opened on the Las Vegas Strip, and, of course, the Discord was there to cover it. Of all the neat and wonderful things to discover and enjoy in this newest Strip casino, the biggest surprise turned out to be the pizza place. I have been sworn not to tell anyone where it is. It has no name. Seriously…think of it as the world’s first speakcheesy. No, they're not allowed to use that line.

Welcome to My Nightmare: I was a Teenage Barbizon Parent
By Mick Zano
Welcome to My Nightmare: I was a Teenage Barbizon Parent
Mick Zano

So I attended this Barbizon thing, well, from a distance (aka, the hotel bar).  I watched the scores of Barbie wannabes marching into Ballroom A from my stool.

I snuck over and listened outside for a time and heard the speaker say, "We are only going to choose several girls in this room today."

That’s all I needed to hear.

A 2010 Zano-Style Rebuttal
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My New Year’s resolution is no more stories about Fox News.  Oh, oh, wait, but there’s one more thing… The Crank’s view, as always, suspiciously resembles Fox’s and can be summed up thusly: socialism = bad, cutting spending = good.  Very helpful—well, not really—not when this all-or-Fox thinking threatens to block any meaningful fiscal reform.  Here’s what we should be taking away from this year in politics: some Advil.

Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…Just Don’t Ask
By Mick Zano
Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…<i>Just Don’t Ask</i>
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Dozens of people came out to support the LGBTQ community in front of City Hall this Saturday in downtown Flagstaff.  Once there, I immediately asked what the acronym LGBTQ stood for, but, as it turns out, I had no pen, no pencil, no paper, and no ability to remember five words told to me in succession. 

Best Wishes in Your Future Endeavors Mick Zano
Mick Zano, former Walmart greeter

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  "Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!" said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

"I just want him gone," said Winslow.  "He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent."

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  "I’ll be just fine," said Zano.  "Well, at least until the background check comes back."

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Dueling Youtubes
By Mick Zano
Dueling Youtubes
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ—Having barely paid off the fines from the last time I was bored, I decided to channel my energies toward Youtube.  Entering this series of tubes that is the internet, I became lost in my own Youtube adventure.  For starters, I played Dylan’s and Guns & Roses’ version of Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door simultaneously.  Never do this.

Cobra Sucks: or why at 42 I want Obamacare to Allow Me Back on My Parent’s Insurance
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

At the eve of my big rally, I had a thoughtful post prepared.  Then I find Mick Zano trying to host a rally on the same day, same place, with parts of my same rally poster.  I typically don’t like to air dirty laundry like this, but Mick has become increasingly jealous of my popularity lately. He used to be the big gun, but now more fan mail is gradually coming to me.  It’s like over on Fox when Beck started passing O’Reilly.  I know it’s hard moving to a steamy pile of number two, bitch, but get used to it.  And that poster of yours is a cry for help. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and in an effort to continue answering my weekly question: yes, it sounds like an infection, JC.  But don’t pay top dollar at some walk-in clinic or ED, I have a contact for you.  He’s known to most as the Keeper of the Sacred Dime Bag.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?
Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Philadelphia, PA—The allegations are flying today as the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord, falls under increasing scrutiny over what many are calling a clear foul.  The controversy is centered around an image depicted on the Discord’s October 5th coverage of their recent "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" rally.  The image makes it appear like more people attended the rally than actually did.  It’s a technique known to PhotoShopsters as the Bachman Effect—used by Fox News to make impotent rallies seem a bit more rallyier (rallyier is a word, by the way, we checked with the Bard of Wasilla herself).

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that his staffers doctored the photo for the purpose of furthering his nefarious agenda.

"It’s preposterous!" yelled Winslow at reporters outside of his suburban Philly home. "Nothing about that photo says doctored to me, and I oughtta know."

A reporter pointed out how, if you look closely enough at the image, some identical people actually appear on both sides of the reflecting pond.

"It’s a reflecting pond!" shouted Winslow.  "It’s what reflecting ponds do!  I can assure you the image we snatched illegally from Google Images has not been tampered with in any way.  We have Elements, the cheaper, watered-down version of PhotoShop, which is set to expire if we don’t figure out how to register the software."

"How could we keep a conspiracy this big a secret," said Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  "Too many people would need to know.  Now I admit I did originally suggest they make the Washington Monument into a big penis with a Santa Claus cap on it, but increasing the crowd, never!"

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Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops
Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before.  The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

"The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!"

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, "Where is everyone?  We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!"

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

"I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!"

This had the desired effect.  Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones.  This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event. 

"We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "But many were with us in spirit—just not in person.  We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either.  It’s just impossible to know for sure."

"This is a grass & roots movement like no other," said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca  or Ibogaine.

"This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days," said the Shaman.  "We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.

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CNN:  It Isn’t Just For Blitzer Anymore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I record Fareed Zakaria GPS every Sunday morning on CNN religiously.  Well, I don’t complete the mechanics involved personally; I have people for that.  OK, my 11 year old does it, but she is gradually teaching me how to use my DVR.  Granted, last week’s lesson went poorly, but she did teach me the proper acronym, DVR (apparently, it’s not a VCR or a DVD, it’s some type of alien hybrid). 

Parenting: Why I Stopped
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I came across a blog the other day in which these four, all important parenting tips, are stressed for the academic success of your child. It was the act of reading these four items, in succession, that made me realize just how much my parenting style leaves to be desired.

The Discord’s Para Abnormal Research Team vs. Haunted Jerome
By Mick Zano
The Discord’s Para Abnormal Research Team vs. Haunted Jerome
Mick Zano

Yours truly and Vegas’ great, Bald Tony, headed out for some ghost hunting adventures last weekend. The town of Jerome, AZ, has survived mine explosions, three major fires, and the reign of Governor Janet Brewer.  This town and my old college party house have a lot in common.  Incidentally, Janet was barred from The Havoc House my sophomore year.  I remember it pained me at the time…having to throw out someone named Brewer.

Boomeritis, College Trials, and the Infamous Starburst Incident
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s time to pick on the thought police, those destroyers of the 1st and 2nd Amendment rights, the fodder for Hannity’s America, the Pluralistic Pelosi Police (P3).  You know them better as those libs against liberty, hiding in their dubious Ivory Towers.  I really didn’t see much liberal indoctrination during my 6 ½ year undergraduate work stint.  I met the inside of a lot of bars and the inside of a lot of young—never mind.  Suffice to say, my study habits were poor and my drinking habits were poorer.   I drink therefore I cram, kind of sums it up nicely.  

The Hollywood Ending and Other Insightful Film Observations
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Remember that old Pink Floyd line, "I’ve got 13 channels of shit on the TV to choose from?" Now, of course, I’ve got 213 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.   For some reason, after flipping through all of these various channels, I stopped on IFC (The Independent Film Channel).   Never do this…

OK, Crank, I’ll Stop Bitching: After this One Last Time
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Funny, I said the same exact thing about methamphetamine.  This will be my last rant against Fox News and George W. Bush.  You don’t believe me?  Would I ever woefully mislead my fateful readership?  I’m not the Ghetto Shaman, for Pete’s sake.

Funny Thing, but Breaking Something Called the Justice Department Might Have Consequences for, er…Justice
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you heard the Black Panther voter intimidation scandal yet?  The Justice Department’s actions are shocking!  It seems they are especially shocking for Republicans who helped dismantle the Justice Department, brick by brick, in the first place.  None of you were outraged to find Bush had replaced 150 positions in the government—including several  key jobs in the Justice Dept from some Pat Robertson 4th tier regent college—but you’re mad about this shit?  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen the 700 Club?  I would bow to the zombie god of Karl Marx before I would ever watch an episode of that shit. 

Interview with the Zanpire