Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
October 24, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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The Chronicles of Jack Primus Book 1
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Discord Endorses Warren Webb Ticket!
Discord Endorses Warren Webb Ticket! Not fair, it should be Burns/Scrooge after several minutes of depriving their brains of oxygen.
Not fair, it should be Burns/Scrooge after several minutes of depriving their brains of oxygen.
 
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Discord Fast Approaching One Ad Per One Lawsuit Ratio
Discord Fast Approaching One Ad per One Lawsuit Ratio
 
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Alternate Universe Vindicates Bush
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas history tends to repeat itself, one necessary element in this process is the time required to forget shit. Typically there are decades or even centuries between identical historical blunders (IHBs) as that’s how the whole eventually-shit-is-cyclical thing is supposed to work. But Republicans are like that guy who gets three DUIs in a 24hr period and then decides to drive to a bar. They’re insisting on F-ing everything up again, not in 2050, but by the end of their next news cycle. Quantdumb?

As the Graham McCain Turns
As the Graham McCain Turns
 
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Calvin and Hannity
Calvin and Hannity
 
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Putin Annexes Pabst! Pabst Red Ruskies?
Putin Annexes Pabst! Pabst Red Ruskies? “We will add their Blue Ribbon to our vast array of Olympic medals”
“We will add their Blue Ribbon to our vast array of Olympic medals”
 
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Pope Appoints New Arches Bishop
Pope Appoints New Arches Bishop, Bishop in the Box Mascot is “really pissed”
Bishop in the Box Mascot is “really pissed”
 
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Scotland! Scotland! Scotland!
Scotland! Scotland! Scotland! Just be thankful we didn't have to use our Braveheart hanging Cameron's head on Hadrian's Wall thing.
Just be thankful we didn't have to use our Braveheart hanging Cameron's head on Hadrian's Wall thing.
 
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Giant Joint Image "Worth Its Weed in Gold" to Discord Photoshopper
Giant Joint Image "Worth its Weed in Gold" to Discord Photoshopper

Flagstaff, AZ—The Discord always posts original material and yet the unpopular eZine continues to ignore any and all internet image copyright laws. "With contempt," added the Discord’s CEO Peirce Winslow. "We hate those things. Images should be free, like porn or firearms."

The head of the Discord’s legal counsel, Anthony Ballz of the Ballz, Ballz, Ballz and Bone Law Firm explained, "Most images are labeled Royalty free, which translates into legalese as ‘ours’ and I think it also means it’s in no way affiliated with the English Royal family. This particular image, which Zano swiped from Bing Images while intoxicated, is called a rights-managed image. We prefer to call these site’s-owned images, so they’re on our site so fuck off.  For legal precedent see Man with Face Passed Out in Urinal vs. That shit we posted last week."

Sith Lord Revealed! Cheney Controlling President Through Darkside
Sith Lord Revealed! Cheney Controlling President Through Darkside, Good news: Halliburton stocks soar today
Good news: Halliburton stocks soar today
 
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Grand Old Party to Ban Every Smarty
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Say bye bye to those science guys. A recent poll showed a whopping 94% of all active scientists do not identify themselves as republican. What I want to know is: who is this other 6%? Should we hunt them down and confiscate their Bunsen burners? Step away from that particle accelerator slowly, sir.

Joan Rivers, Best Known for Her Role in the Muppets Take Manhattan, Is Dead at 81
Joan Rivers, Best Known for her Role in the Muppets Take Manhattan, is Dead at 81, Can we blog?
Can we blog?
 
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Hackers Refusing to Release Naked Zano Pics
Hackers Refusing to Release Naked Zano Pics
 
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A Theory Emerges From Ancient Astronaut Ornithologists
A Theory Emerges from Ancient Astronaut Ornithologists
We didn't say it was a good theory.
 
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Burger King Abandons U.S. for Canada!
Burger King Abandons U.S. for Canada! But wait until you try their new Back Bacon Burger!
But wait until you try their new Back Bacon Burger!
 
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Another Controversial Discord Ad
Another Controversial Discord Ad, For this one, we immediately called the Ross Foundation and turned ourselves in
For this one, we immediately called the Ross Foundation and turned ourselves in
 
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Orson Calling Mork: Orken Spacecraft Surround Earth!
Orson Calling Mork: Orken Spacecraft Surround Earth! “Mankind must return body of Mork or face utter annihilation,” — Orson
“Mankind must return body of Mork or face utter annihilation,”
— Orson
 
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Flagstaff’s McMillan Pub: the Good, the Bad, and the Zano
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This is a review of a place I already love, but don’t get too excited—that usually means I ask for a set of keys, drink all your beer and then throw an endless house warming party for myself. This pub already evokes both a resounding Hear! Hear!, as well as a simultaneous what the hell were you people thinking! I am either off my bipolar meds again, or watching Colbert’s "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger." Stay tuned for a glorious rant, done out of love.

Discord Moment of Silence for Robin Williams
Discord Moment of Silence for Robin Williams, "Fans" requesting moment of silence be extended to 2015
"Fans" requesting moment of silence be extended to 2015
 
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Obama Denies Ordering Airstrikes on Iraq
Obama Denies Ordering Airstrikes on Iraq
 
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Negativity Bias, Interpersonal Circumplexes, and Other Political Psychobabble
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Today we cover more of the psychological dysfunction behind modern day republicanism. Granted, today’s liberals aren’t particularly healthy, but the bigger story remains the GOP’s mega cognitive dissonance (MCD). It’s so thick you can cut it with a knife, but I wouldn’t try that! Remember those stand-your-ground laws? The Discord’s chief psychologist, Dr. Kwela Juluka, will be weighing in so to borrow a line from Fareed, let’s get smarted.

Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle
Another Shopper Vanishes into the Bloomingdale Triangle

Manhattan, NY—The Bloomingdale Triangle has claimed yet another victim. 28-year old Jackie Fayette of Jersey City left with a handful of her boyfriend’s credit cards Saturday and slipped into what has come to be known as a Retail Vortex.  This vortex reaches a sizeable chunk of Manhattan Island, from Macy’s on 34th Street up to Saks Fifth Avenue and then due south to Bloomingdales.

Ancient Cosmopolitan theorist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, believes the Bloomingdale Triangle is a tear in the Bank/Credit continuum caused by something known as quantum shopping. "When someone becomes so focused on spending, without any regard for budgeting or credit limits, they essentially can create a temporary warp in financial space/time, or a shopularity," said Dr. Hogbein.  "Once a person hits that last unsustainable purchase, they have reached the point of ‘absolutely no returns’, which is more of a store policy than an actual law of physics." Once this occurs a person can slip forever into what Dr. Hogbein terms the misspent horizon, or a Black Friday Hole.

Theory Emerges After Appearance of Third Siberian Sinkhole
Theory Emerges After Appearance of Third Siberian Sinkhole,
We didn't say it was a good theory
 
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The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
By Alex Bone
The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
Alex Bone

Lilly Ponds, AZ—The crawdad menace is finally subsiding. For the first time in six years the delightful chorus of frogs can be heard echoing up from the Lilly Ponds, an area near the top of Sycamore Canyon—well, as long as you kick a few people to keep their snoring down.

To Summarize the Distraction That Is the GOP
To Summarize the Distraction that is The GOP
 
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Mizpah Hotel in Tonopah: Ghost Adventures V Ghost Blunders
By Mick Zano
Mizpah Hotel in Tonopah: Ghost Adventures V Ghost Blunders
Mick Zano

This time the Discord’s Search Truth Quest team batted cleanup for those Ghost Adventure goons. Apparently they missed more evidence during their investigation than the Keystone Cops on shrooms. I’m sick of cleaning up after your messes, Zack! The Case of the Mizpah Hotel would challenge both my understanding of the para-abnormal as well as my understanding of valet parking. Click on Full Story for some of our ghostly evidence and cool video!

Yes, It’s All Part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, Called Thinking
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Arguing with you is fun, Pokey, but occasionally has a banging-your-head-against-the-wall feel to it. We find ourselves in two different camps these days. I used to think I was slightly left and you were slightly right so our arguments were hashing out some important middle ground. Alas, today it seems like there is a universe between us. Bridging that widening gap is possible, we just need to find a way to...oh, wait, I’m being told Congress has blocked funding for any Gaps or any bridges...uh, yeah, we’re screwed.

The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in Our Oceans Found
The 2-Million Tons of Unaccounted for Plastic in our Oceans Found,
Garbangtua now living comfortably amidst the Pacific Garbage Patch
 
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The Iraq War and the Edge of Harshness
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following rant was initially submitted to the Arizona Daily Sun by Dr. Kwela Juluka. It was rejected for its edgy harshness and, perhaps, because it was caked in a mysterious layer of white power. So he sent it our way because he knows this rag fosters such bouts of edgy harshness...and he also knows we snort anything. I have since asked Dr. J to consider becoming a regular contributor here at The Discord, as this remains one of the best places to foment such edgy harshness as to allow such rants to eventually encompass all the remaining synonyms for harsh and edgy....uh, hedgy?

Obama: the Worst President Never
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you heard about this Quinnipiac poll? Thirty three percent of those polled claim Obama is the worst president in history. It’s damning, unless you have a basic understanding of today’s society. Everyone is ignoring the irre-elephant in the room. The numbers are entirely predictable. Nearly 40% of our country are Foxeteers and they keep polling themselves to remind us of how strongly and wrongly they all agree. But where is the other 7%? Should we send out a search party? Should I turn on the Batshit signal again?

Breaking Vlad?
By Mick Zano
Breaking Vlad?
Mick Zano

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine...uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful
GOP Now Deems ‘Painfully Obvious’ Comments Insightful, Well, comparatively it is for them. See the full Zano Iraq feature, here.
Well, comparatively it is for them. See the full Zano Iraq feature, here.
 
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After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A
After Supreme Court Ruling Discord Mistakenly Attacks Chick-fil-A, What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
What?! It was Chic-fil-A again, right? Bastards!
 
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Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
By Mick Zano
Oil Tanker Sinks off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility

Tokyo, JP—Over a month has passed since the Shoko Maru, a nearly 1000 ton cargo tanker, sank under mysterious circumstances off the coast of Japan. To date, no monsters have claimed responsibility. The ship reportedly exploded before sinking into the ocean approximately 450-kilometers west of Tokyo. For U.S. readers that’s...I danno, we never really learned the metric system, but, according to our Chief Metric System Correspondent, it was fairly close to Godzilla’s usual stomping ground.

Many feel that if Godzilla caused this disaster he would have followed his traditional plotline directly into Tokyo Bay, where he—well, our field reporter Cokie McGrath said it best, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Benghazi Is an Important Scandal: a Republican One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Now that the mastermind behind the Benghazi attack is in custody and has allegedly cited the video as the main impetus...uh, who cares? As Hillary said, "Why does it matter?" This was extrapolated by Fox to mean, "Why does it matter four Americans died?" They did this because they lie. That’s not news; they lie every news cycle, but what’s always been interesting to me about this particular "scandal" is how little sense it makes, even by typical Fox News standards. Heh, heh...Fox News standards.

Sage-like Prophets Predict Iraqi Problems...in 2007
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Did you see the parade of war criminals surface all across the Fox Nation this week? You know, the ones who never got anything right about Iraq and should be in jail? They have more advice now that Iraq is descending into a civil war. Fox also started running endless 2007 republican Surge-justification-quotes (SJQ). Here’s the thing, saying Iraq will fall apart without U.S. support in 2007 is kind of like Churchill, instead of his famous 1940 speech, saying, "You know, I think Hitler’s up to something."

Who Is the Sith Lord and Who Is the Sithy Boy?
Who is the Sith Lord and Who is the Sithy Boy?
 
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Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!
Bettman Refuses to Relinquish Cup!

In front of a pack of outraged L.A. Kings fans NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman, refused to hand the Stanley Cup over to the King’s Captain Justin Brown. This marks the first time in the NHL’s long history that the time honored tradition was broken...and even dented a bit.

Bettman claimed that occasionally something he called The Commissioner’s Clause can be evoked, wherein the Commissioner gets to keep the cup all year. He told King’s fans, "This year this bitch stays with me, people. I am Bettman! I am Bettman. Get it? Besides, Los Angeles is no place for hockey’s most holy prize. You’re lucky we even allowed a team into this league from such a shit hole."

Bettman then attempted to hoist the cup over his head, but immediately yelled, clutched his lower back, and collapsed to the ice. Dustin Brown then skated over to the red carpet and yanked the thing from his old Jew hands. As he turned to skate away, however, Bettman looped his neck tie around one of Dustin’s skates, causing him to topple to the ice. The fans screamed their objections as Lord Stanley’s Cup skidded into a corner. The rest of the Kings cleared the bench and joined the fray. Then, as one fan put it, "Shit got real."

Okay, our coverage of the last time the Kings’ won the cup is much better, here.

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Zano Playing Ouija With John Lennon Again
Zano Playing Ouija with John Lennon Again, Now imagine if the other half our country understood this.
Now imagine if the other half of our country understood this.
 
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Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, this is my foreign policy for Demmies. Whatever the hell the Obama Doctrine is, can we keep it? ...or at least rent to own? If there is anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine in 2016, how about we book you a Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’.

Most Interesting Man in the World Linked to Climate Change
Most Interesting Man in the World linked to Climate Change, Well, it beats our Fry from Futurama theory
Well, it beats our Fry from Futurama theory
 
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Discord Staff Turns in Combined 401Ks for Godzilla Endorsement
Discord Staff Turns in Combined 401Ks for Godzilla Endorsement
 
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Biden Refuses Prom Request
Biden Refuses Prom Request…but he agrees to meet girl afterwards on beach
…but he agrees to meet girl afterwards on beach
 
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McDonald's PR Pyro Nightmare
McDonald's PR Pyro Nightmare, Fast food giant to postpone bobbing for basket French fries contest
Fast food giant to postpone bobbing for basket French fries contest
 
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Wanna’ Fix This Country? Prescribe Low-T for the Dems and Ginkoba for the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Forgive me, if I don’t want to relive this schitznik, Pokey. This is like reaching over on Ground Hog day to shutoff I Got You Babe on my clock radio. What is wrong with you people? Oh yeah, you outsourced thinking to the Koch Brothers. Good luck with that. What I will do is offer some cliff notes as well as some exciting new insights in the form of sarcastic cartoons. You know, the usual.

Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance
Dean and Sterling? Wonder Twins Unite! Form of Intolerance, Michael Richards was unavailable for comment.
Michael Richards was unavailable for comment.
 
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Iran Claims to Have Successfully Copied U.S. Drone
Iran Claims to Have Successfully Copied U.S. Drone, It comes in black too for Stealth Bomber Mode
It comes in black too for Stealth Bomber Mode
 
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Discord Summarizes Evolution of Benghazi Hearings
Discord Summarizes Evolution of Benghazi Hearings
 
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R.V. Krugan Adds Painting to "Thrown Shoe" Collection
By Mick Zano
R.V. Krugan Adds Painting to "Thrown Shoe" Collection
Mick Zano

Paris, FR—Renaldo Vincent Krugan unveiled his Heellary Cringing at the Louvre today. The work will now complete his coveted Thrown Shoe collection, which already includes his celebrated Der Fliegende Schuhe and the Bush era masterpiece Universoul Judgment.

Krugan, best known for his abstract scrap metal rendition of At the Water Hole with the Greaseweasels, will help him regain the respect of the art community. Although Greaseweasels propelled him onto the world stage, it was also the leading cause of tetanus at the Art Institute of Chicago, until, upon Krugan’s request it was lowered into a vat of gelatin. Some believe his pointillism technique matched the skill of George Seurat, though their perspectives differ. Whereas Seurat recommended standing back 12-15 feet to enjoy his Sunday afternoon on the Island of Le Grande Jatte, Krugan suggested viewing all of his work at the British museum from the nearby Tate Gallery—incidentally, so did his critics.

In recent years, Krugan began painting a variety of objects with his tongue in a style he calls Lick Nouveau. This genre includes such works as Light Socket 911 and Metal Pole in Winter (see 911). Although, Krugan’s critics attest the latter is more reminiscent of post-impressionism, many feel—(cough) I’m being told to stop.

Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma
Family of Botched Executionee Set to Sue Oklahoma, Apparently, they are now also planning to sue The Discord.
Apparently, they are now also planning to sue The Discord.
 
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Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes up Empty
Latest Search for Republican Thought Comes Up Empty
 
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Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to Al-Qcattle and Heffbollah
Feds: Assassinated Nevada Cows Linked to al-Qcattle and Heffbollah, Netanyahu denying Israeli counterpart, Moossad
Netanyahu denying Israeli counterpart, Moossad
 
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Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance Will Interfere With My Medicaid and Food Stamps."
Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance will interfere with my Medicaid and Food Stamps." De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
 
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While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi
While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi, And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
 
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Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016
Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016, Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
 
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Sebelius Escorted Out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent
Sebelius Escorted out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent, I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
 
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And the Runner up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes To...
And the Runner Up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes to...Yes...we have worse this week.
Yes...we have worse this week.
 
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Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President

Coral Gables, Fl—Former Governor of Florida and presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has proposed a new family tree suggesting he is in no way related to his brother, George W. Bush. The news came as quite a surprise to the rest of the Bush family, who always felt there was some relation between the two siblings.

"As you can clearly see from this graph," said Bush, "...uh, that Mick Zano Photoshopped onto a Holiday Inn conference room wall behind me (throat clear), that I am in no way related to my brother, George. In fact, Ancestry.com recently sent me a letter urging me to send back the leaf that represents George on my family tree. It’s all part of some massive ancestral-relational recall thing. It’s really complicated stuff involving quantum lineage, genealogical anomalies, and vodka spritzers. Bottom line, he’s not my real brother. It all makes perfect sense, I mean, the rest of the Bush’s can read and write."

Barbara Bush, the mother of at least one of the brothers, said, "I’m happy for Jeb, because he now has a promising political future, but I’m sad for George, who only paints now...well, it’s coloring really as the outlines are already on the page. He stays in the lines, though, which is better than he did in office."

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No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote That Fell Between the Cushions
No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote that Fell Between the Cushions, Sadly, the 18 Minutes of Watergate Footage recovered is too soggy to restore
Sadly, the 18 minutes of Watergate footage recovered is too soggy to restore
 
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At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds
At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds, Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
 
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Discord Poll: One in Two Bears Ready to Devour Colbert!
Discord Poll: One in Two Bears Ready to Devour Colbert!
 
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High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case
High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case, It should be a law that you have to watch The Beatles "Love" stoned
It should be a law that you have to watch The Beatles "Love" stoned
 
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Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland
Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland, "All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
"All war is based on Discord" —Lao Tzu, The Art of Blog
 
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Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme Takes Net by Storm
Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme takes Net by Storm, Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
Well, since we started it, by gentle breeze.
 
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And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes to...
 
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Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

CPAC Run!
By Mick Zano
CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord's prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes To...
And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes to...
 
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The 80's Called and They Want Their Bad Joke Back
The 80's Called and They Want Their Bad Joke Back
 
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Benghazi Isn’t a Scandal, It’s a Cry for Help
Study: GOP Spends 60% of Time Thinking About Benghazi, Still Don’t Get It, A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
A rebuttal to CapitalismInstitute.org
 
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On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud
On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud,
"Ramis was an inspiration to me, but don't hold that against him"
—Mick Zano
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
 
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The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
 
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Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You think that’s bad? Initially I was going with drone strikes. The list of our-dangerously-incomptent-politicians-who-we-must-run-out-of-office has changed. Instead of identifying them via their support for Sarah Palin, we need to switch to all those elected officials derailing our current peace talks with Iran, D or R. Please turn in your flag lapel pins and all those donations acquired illegally before your car is towed.

Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
 
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Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 
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Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
By Mick Zano
Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
Mick Zano

Are you having a hard time deciphering Obama scandals? Are you confused whether or not Obama should be impeached? Can you even keep all of these scandals straight? I have turned all of our 44th President’s scandals into fun, easily digestible cartoons. So in five minutes you’ll finally understand everything, or your money back!

Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, President Obama sold the entire state of Arizona back to Mexico. Many around the beltway feel the move was politically motivated, but Obama claims it’s, "All due to logistics. Immigrants will have a much tougher time sneaking into our country now that the Grand Canyon divides Mexico and the United States."

Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!"
Hillary Asks Discord to "Stop Helping!" Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
Discord scraps "Hey Joe Biden" image
 
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Either Way Christie Was Not Going to Be Nominated
Either Way Christie was Not Going to be Nominated, Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
Today's GOP is only accepting applications from this man.
 
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IRS: Incessant Republican Scandals
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter...as "fairy" dust is generally frowned upon.

Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
By Mick Zano
Obamalypse Now: How the ACA May Really End America
Mick Zano

Through propaganda the rightwing media has effectively thinned the ice for Obama, which is not an easy trick during a polar vortex. So when his healthcare rollout faltered he immediately dropped to Bush-level approval ratings. Well played. I agree, ObamaCare is one of the worst things to ever happen to this country...um, except the whole it has barely started thing.

Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should Not Be AZ’s Governor
Under Siege! Top 10 Reasons Seagal Should not be AZ’s Governor

1. He’s Half Past Dead (2002), or is that our senior Senator?

2. He’s Chosen the Path Beyond Thought (2001). See anything on Fox News.

3. He’s got a Fire Down Below (1997)...which could be syphilis.

See All 10...
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Fast & Furious Weapons Found in Benghazi
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m going there again. Why not? At this point I’m eligible for some frequent blogger miles. We keep learning more and more about Benghazi, well, at least we learn more about the relative mental health of one faction of our society, or the World According to GOP.

Discord Pushes Boundary of Billboard Ad Decency
Discord Pushes Boundary of Billboard Ad Decency
 
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Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!!
Dear UPS, Where's My Fishing Pole!! No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
No one is sending me one, but how would you know?
 
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Eternal Damnation, Probably
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, "No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave." This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide
I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide, Sharp dressed men take it in the tush and other bad DDtop jokes
Sharp dressed men take it in the tush and other bad DDtop jokes
 
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Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
Fox News: Putting the ID Back in Ideology
 
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Obamacare Woes Make Me Long for Benghazi Headlines
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Benghazi is truly Obama’s biggest scandal. No shit. On a scale of one to ten, it nearly reaches the scale. After 472 Benghazi headlines all I learned is that republicans are equally culpable. And, yes, headline #473 brought me back to this lousy topic: Did Hillary Clinton’s Globetrotting Ways Contribute to Benghazi Disaster?

Study Deems Windfarms Safe...ish, OK, maybe we should stick with solar...
 
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Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive From Japan for the Holidays
Another Load of Joy Set to Arrive from Japan for the Holidays, Well, it's better than what China got us.
Well, it's better than what China got us.
 
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The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Dictatorial Sitcoms of All Time

1. Despot Housewives

2. It’s Always Sunny in Damascus

3. Arrested Dismemberment

See All 10...
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The Tea Party Band Has All Your Block-a-Billy Favs!
The Tea Party Band has all your Block-a-Billy Favs! Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
Neil Young to make retraction on "Rock-n-Roll will never die" lyric.
 
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Palin to Ride From Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform
Palin to Ride from Plymouth Reliant to the Gettysburg Address Warning of Health Care Reform, "Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
"Just like John Quincy Jefferson," — Sarah Palin
 
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Pepperidge Farms Alzheimers
 
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Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare?
Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare? Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?
 
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Obamakazi: Is the ACA a Suicide Mission?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I am not all that concerned about Obamacare’s impact on other insurance companies—who suck, by the way—or of rampant socialism, or death panels, or Fox’s next paranoid-based theme of the week (FNPBTW). It’s those unintended consequences that concern me. Obama’s failure could well fan the flames of a dying political party. So to help, this site is now a portal for the ACA. Please click below to enroll at...Shit! We crashed!

Bone Knocks Block Off Scout Leader Blockhead
Bone Knocks Block Off Scout Leader Blockhead, Exacts revenge on rock toppling ruffian
Exacts revenge on rock toppling ruffian
 
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Stones Admit to Cameos in Every Walking Dead Episode
Stones Admit to Cameos in Every Walking Dead Episode, "We love the show and they save on makeup" —Keith Richards
"We love the show and they save on makeup"
—Keith Richards
 
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Our Country Started With a Tea Party and Will Likely End by One
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Full circle jerk. Regardless of these final negotiations Obama needs to enact an executive order to pay our bills, now. Playtime is over. He’ll be impeached, of course, but who cares? We need to avoid the collapse of the U.S. dollar as the world standard at all cost, pardon the pun. Oh, and don’t worry, the impeachment process has already been marginalized—or, as I call it, the Full Lewinsky.

You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?!
You’re Blaming Obama for the Shutdown?! “That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car”  —Mick Zano
“That’s like blaming the tree that ‘jumped’ in front of Lindsay Lohan’s car” —Mick Zano
 
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Polarization Nation: Thanks for Ending Our Democracy
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment...oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

Remember When the GOP Just Sucked While in Office?
Remember When The GOP Just Sucked while in Office?
 
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Zano Initiates Operation Gloat and Jeer
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Less than 48-hours after I posted my Syria feature, Assad struck a deal to start handing over his WMDs.  Apparently, the single message of the U.S., Russia, and The Daily Discord proved too much for the evil tyrant. As for what the rest of you were thinking, umm, I’m afraid you had a case of the Grand Old Propagandas. Despite the implications, republicans are still trying to make this the most poorly handled foreign intervention ever. And to this I say, amen.

You Don’t Know Why It’s Bush’s Fault? Syriaously?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Nothing registering? The famous Foxeteer flat line?  Let me splain’. Last week England, our staunchest ally, said, "Piss off. We’re not helping." Know why they said that?  Still nothing?  Perhaps I should resort to finger puppets, or at least one finger.

Fox News Mini-Series: Our Shrinking Deficit
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Okay, maybe not. The right is ignoring the fact our deficit has reached pre-collapse levels. Actually there’s two important numbers, the deficit as compared to GDP and our overall debt. The first you won’t hear mentioned on Fox News and the second you won’t hear mentioned on MSNBC. But if current projections hold true, what will Fox News focus on then? Hint: it rhymes with Hi-Dumb-Deployment.

GOP Moving More Conservative? Whaah?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Really? Moving further right? And here I thought some of the Foxeteers were starting to Google words like insight and reality. Oh wait, that could get you on the terrorist watch list. The good news is this: a shift to an even more radical conservatism means they will never hold power again. In that case, proceed Governor.

Should We Clone Moderate Republican DNA?
Mick Zano

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

Freedumb
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Only three days after my post entitled Scandal Quest, wherein I discussed the only significant White House scandal, President Obama caved faster than a Bourne Ultimatum Jenga match. Sorry to drone on about this, but do you know why Obama is addressing my concerns? (Hint: they’re real.) Do you know why he’s not addressing the GOP’s concerns? (Hint: they’re not.)

GOP: Debt, Delusion, and Drudge
Mick Zano

Historically liberal presidents have kept social programs afloat while lowering deficits. President Obama had the hardest time, for obvious Reagans, but it’s finally working (sorry, couldn’t work Bush into that one). The GOP, on the other hand, is forever shifting all resources to a handful of people while turning our country into a deficit-ridden slum. The fact none of them have deciphered their own mission statement, not to mention their own historical record, is a testament to the Matt Drudge’s of the world.

Ghost Busted: Team Discord Bested by Rank Amateur
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whenever a major apparition is captured on film, you can bet the Discord’s Ghost Blunders are there...um, or at least sleeping down the hall. My daughter captured the best image to date with her iPhone, several feet from my bedroom. Did I mention I’m her inspiration for ghost hunting? Okay, she thinks I’m an idiot but, hey, I paid for the iPhone that took the image. So there. Click to see this truly creepy picture!

My Life in Retail: Part One
By The Crank
The Crank

As I think about my life, my thoughts turn to the whole "Legacy" thing. What do I actually leave with my friends and relatives when Momzilla pulls me kicking and screaming into the next world? Will people even remember me 15 minutes after I’m gone? Probably not, with the exception of Mikko passing a rag over his forehead and saying "whew, thank Darwin that’s over."

Alex Bone’s Get Poor Quick Scheme
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Flagstaff, AZ (aka, Poverty with a View)—Most people in America and the majority of the rest of the world are striving to be rich, but they’re overlooking the truly wonderful advantages of being flat broke. For instance, you will have more free time because your schedule will not be bogged down with things like trips, vacations, shopping, or eating. Things like gaining too much weight—no problem. And no one will ever asks you to borrow money! Hell, they won’t even ask you to babysit for fear you might eat their children.

Conservative Legacies: Just Say No
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

What are we to make of the likes of a Ronald Reagan or a Margaret Thatcher? We have trouble understanding what happened in yesterday’s news cycle, let alone decades ago. For instance Thatcher headed the Inquisition and started the Black Plague, while Reagan was most known for implementing alternate-street-parking here in the states, right?

Obama Calls for "Courage" In Face of Pending Release of Discord Videos

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire.  The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

"There is still something called the 1st Amendment," said Obama. "Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way."

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

"We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos," said Winslow. "I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in...or, in this case, a brew in."

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. "We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project," said Winslow, "but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated."

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The Darker Corner of The TwiRight Zone
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part Two)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

Information: Why We No Longer Get Any
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Here’s what makes me crazy! ...well, besides my diagnosis. During any given news cycle some source article or another somewhere on the web is immediately translated into something resembling political pink slime (PPS).  This new version of reality is then disseminated through Fox News, AM radio and any number of social sites for the purpose of perpetuating an easily dismissible false narrative. An example? How about: Godzilla Sighted Near Coastal City shows up on Twitter as Is Obama Weak on Radioactively Enlarged Reptiles?

The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
By Mick Zano
The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
Mick Zano

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever...well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Fox & Hagels: The Anti-Semitic Sandwich
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

Because Our Stupidity Goes to 11!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

Scandals: No One Expects the Outlandish Inquisition!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I love the Republican version of a scandal. "When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him...yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!" I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

Rove V World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
By Mick Zano
Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the "Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s" request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
By Mick Zano
Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—We heard through the grapevine some folks were having strange experiences at one of the local brewpubs...not the kind of experiences usually associated with half-priced drink specials. All kinds of spooky things were happening after hours at Flagstaff Brewing Company. Looks like the Ghost Blunders were going to have to put in some overtime on this one. One of the managers, Marcus, called us in dire need of assistance. Okay, we called him, but he was willing to let us do our thing if we promised not to break anything.

Divided by Plan: or How I Learned to Stop Voting and Love the Bums
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Crank is right about one thing...naah, just kidding. Sorry but meaningful debate is deader than the Kentucky Darwin Museum. It’s why any discourse officially ended here on The Discord; it’s why I’ve decided to hunt ghosts in brewpubs instead of cover our pending collapse (Twilight of the Grogs?). Today, if you show any political insight whatsoever, you can be overturned with one Bachmannesque, crayon-graph backed rant.

Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
By Mick Zano
Haunted Silverton: A Grand Imperial Poltergeist
Mick Zano

Silverton, CO—Onward to part three of my epic four part series on the Ghosts of Colorado. My wife and I pulled into Silverton after surviving the treacherous "million dollar highway." They probably should have spent a little more than that and put up some flippin’ guardrails! In some spots, veering your car just a hair beyond the fog line means certain death. Silverton, meanwhile, is a quaint little place...at least from a distance. When you get closer it starts to look like Sanford & Son decided to go into the western town business. I tied the old Impala to a hitching post and found the first brewpub for some much needed "research".

Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program
Obama to Unveil his "Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps" Program

Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, "I’m takin’ em, bitches." Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press "whatever it takes." He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of "an important conspiracy operation thingie." Obama told reporters, "All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism."

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. "I will overturn the 1st and 2nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er...a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood," said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, "All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney...especially the Scalia part."

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.

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Romney’s American Idol Judges Joker Olympics!
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

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Dawn of the Dumb: A Look Back to 2012
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

In the year 2050 The Daily Discord is celebrating its 42nd anniversary and its one thousandth page view! Whoot! Whoot!...that’s almost 25 a year! We would like to look back to the time of the Discord’s inception—a time of turbulence, a time when humanity turned away from logic, reason, science, and a hit television show known only as Glee.

The Fudge Report: The Disservice of Matt Drudge
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I chose June 3rd to interpret Matt Drudge’s sad, ideological nonsense over on The Drudge Report. For those of you non-Drudgers, this guy cherry picks headlines designed to embarrass the President and reorganizes information in the guise of a news site. These headlines seem damning and they often paint quite a picture. What they don’t tell you is the artist of said picture has been huffing the paint fumes.

2012: A Space Case Odyssey
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Not sure if the Mayan Gods are returning any time soon, but I do know neither of our presidential contenders can save America in its current form. What’s the current form, you ask? One hint, Forrest Gump stepped in a pile right outside of this very Flagstaff coffee shop where I’m writing this tripe. That’s deep, Mick, real deep. Yeah, well not as deep as the pile this country stepped in..."It happens."

The Land Speaks and We Listen...
The Land Speaks and We Listen, Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
Unless the land says "jump in front of a bus." Then we're like "Fuck you land!"
 
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Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
By Mick Zano
Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
Mick Zano

On the balcony of the Weatherford Hotel, Alex Bone and I were minding our own business and kicking back a brewski. Many stories begin this way. Bone man had already managed to piss off one of the owners, Sam, and somehow turned his flagrant obnoxiousness into a free shot of tequila. Bone is living proof the customer isn’t always right, yet it still pays dividends.

The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
By The Crank
The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
The Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors...you know, the Middle Class.

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
By Mick Zano
Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he...). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
By Alex Bone
The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
Alex Bone

In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."

Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?
Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition...if he had any."

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack "would only stir the hornet’s nest."

"Who knows how they will retaliate," said the Discord’s Mick Zano. "We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns."

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. "For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List," said Zano.

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Flagstaff’s Brew Ha-Ha Gets the Last Laugh
By Mick Zano
Flagstaff Brew-Ha-Ha
Mick Zano

After the Made in the Shade incident, I swore I would never cover another brew festival again. I made this proclamation to my wife the next day, or maybe she told me. Well, the beauty of being me is no longer being burdened with any long or short term memory whatsoever. And, in retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have gone to that second party afterward.

Live Blogging the Movie Twilight: Now I Know Why I Hate Anne Rice
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I tried live-blogging the movie Twilight. Never do this. I would rather live-blog a hundred Republican debates in a pool of acid (not LSD). Not sure which Twilight thingy, exactly. Mr. Winslow would never reimburse me for an actual movie ticket, so this was purely a televised event. At least it was a night filled with monsters other than Mitt and Newt for a change.

Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
By Mick Zano
Does the Colbert Surge Mark the End for America?
Mick Zano

Many are mortified how well right wing radical, Stephen Colbert, is polling in the South Carolina Primary. He’s holding at 5%, polling considerably better than John Huntsman, who since stated, "I might as well join the f*^%ing Peace Corps." Some feel this comedic surge may eventually shift Colbert into the position as the anti-Romney candidate. These same folks feel this eventuality could change life as we know it forever!

The Taliban, the Hawks and the Biden "Gaffe"
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The plan in Afghanistan, even under General Stanley McChrystal, was to reach out to the moderate brand of the Taliban and bring them back to the table. This has been the "the plan" since, umm, ever. So, we finally start to implement the thing and everyone goes ape shit? Attacking moderate and radical Muslims alike, as they represent approximately a third of the planet, is madness...or, as I like to call it, modern conservatism. This route will surely find us all committed to a Santorium somewhere. Sorry, Rick. Your turn.

The Alan Colmes of Facebook and the Comment Thread from Hell
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The following was originally an 85-post comment thread. I rarely got a word in edgewise, but a few inconvenient facts ruffled some Foxeteer feathers, right on cue. What was really funny about this dialogue—which spanned three hours and completely interrupted my pornography download session—was the fact that I was the only non-Foxeteer in the virtual jungle. I am the reason this became an 85-post thread from hell. And I’d do it again…

There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
By Dave Atsals
There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
Dave Atsals

In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.

Entitled Occupiers, Sociopaths, and those "Free Market" Slaves
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Most Americans fit into one of the three categories above, all nice and tidy like, which I will ridicule each of you for soon enough. First, how do we galvanize this Occupy Movement into something meaningful and lasting, like the second season of Jersey Shore?

Hiking Sedona: The Do’s and the...well, just the Don’ts
By Mick Zano

The following is a real account of the incredible events that occurred on October 17th. These two vaguely-adult-like individuals, Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath, don’t agree on what exactly transpired after their "Occupy Wal-Mart" protest in nearby Cottonwood. Each insists their version of this hike-gone-horribly-wrong is the correct one. We’ll let you decide. The fact both of these intrepid explorers survived this ordeal is a testament to…who cares? But it’s really funny to laugh at them during this classic he said, she said. Enjoy.

I Said I Wasn’t Going to Read Zano’s Post, But, Alas, I Did
By The Crank
The Crank

Mikko, I usually forgo reading your diatribes because, well, your diatribes are no longer funny. I don’t like being sad, and you make me sad. Sad is the opposite of funny. I’m sorry, but it’s true, ask anyone. Oh, that’s right…to ask someone you’d have to be on speaking terms with them. Sorry, I forgot the whole "Zano no longer exists in our world" pledge we all took here at the ‘cord.

Chinatown Vegas: You Go Now!
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Not many folks realize there is a Chinatown in Las Vegas. In fact, I was a local for nearly five years before I even found it…and it’s huge! I moved here in the year of the rabbit and didn’t find Chinatown until the year of the flipping ox. You see, Las Vegas Blvd runs north-south, dividing the city east-west, and I have always been an eastsider. Among locals, crossing LVB to go to the other side, whichever side that is, is generally considered unnecessary, stupid, and in some cases criminal.

Top 10: The Best Guinness in Las Vegas Revealed!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This post is over two years in the making, but only because I just learned how to use Word. It took longer for Bald Tony and I to complete this arduous Irish/Vegas pubcrawl than it took Frodo and Sam to journey to Mordor. Granted, we would have remained at the Green Dragon until the orcs razed the place, but, who knows, maybe Sauron would have kept us on as Middle-Earth beer tasters? Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Yes Mr. Winslow, I just compared you to a dark sorcerer, but in a good way…really. Oh, on that note, I’ve just released a Nazgul toward Barad dur with our receipts.

Live-Blogging the Republican Debate on Opiates
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

After watching the show Monday night, I have to admit to being wrong.  These candidates are really shaping up to be a prepared, well-informed group of individuals.  Oh, you mean the Republican candidates…I was talking about American Idol.  Sorry.  I only wish Trump and Palin were there to share in the Thorazine love.  Speaking of Thorazine, why isn’t Glenn Beck running?  I think if those three came on board, you’d have a nice representative slice of Americana…the criminally deranged slice.

Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
By Mick Zano
Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
Mick Zano

Whenever my laptop takes a crap, every few months it seems, I send it to Dell and then march over to my local Rent-a-Center for a temporary replacement…all in the name of keeping this exciting e-zine percolating.  This will be my last visit to Rent-a-Center and this time it’s not because of the beer-soaked flat-screen incident.

Damn, I still Hate Facebook
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, maybe loathe is better…yeah, fear and loathing on some God-awful social site.  Let’s be clear about this, I’m only on Facebook to promote the Daily Discord, which sucks!   Our other venues grow like social site Chia Pets, even when ignored, but Facebook?  What’s more disturbing, there’s something inherently wrong with Facebook and the whole virtual narcissistic cesspool (VNC).  As John Bender once said, "It’s demented and sad, but social."

Ill-Informed Citizens Unite, form of Tea Bag
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m done placating the rabble.  Debating a Foxeteer is an oxymoron (hint: I’m the oxy).  Normally I can relate to any given society’s rabble, but today the Homer Simpsons of the world are in complete lockstep with the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world.  Our country doesn’t even have a proper rabble anymore!  The Tea Partiers, those angry Homers, are actually morphing into Smitherses, with one important exception…Smithers knew he was Mr. Burns’ bitch.

The Crank Redeemed!  Everything in my Last Post was Liberal Propaganda
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Once again, the Crank has reduced all eternal truths into someone else’s stock options. So everything is wrong in my last post, eh? Let’s assume he’s right for a moment, ha ha ha hahahaa.  Sorry, that was funny.  Mr. Crank, you have a singular ability to misrepresent all of my positions and points.  Some would call that consistency; I call it something else.

No Negotiating with Teabaggerists!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

We are at yet another critical juncture in our history and we have dumb and dumber duking it out in DC.  This is when you have to ask yourself, do you want dumb to stop dumber (D: raising the debt ceiling and revenues and then failing to reduce spending), or do you want dumber to stop dumb (R: those forcing spending cuts only)?  Oh, did I mention there’s also dumbest (the Tea Party who won’t allow any tax increases or any debt ceiling management)?  Good times…

Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other "points."  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Sedona’s Red Rock Café…BWTF?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sedona, AZ—Before I start making fun of the Red Rock Café, I have to say I am a fan of this joint. It’s my favorite coffee shop in this neck of the cacti.  Their Americano is in the zone and, frankly, that’s all that matters.  However, I really need to point out a huge flaw in this establishment’s architectural and ambiancical prowess.  Yes, ambiancical is a word.  I believe the root word, biancical, means of or like Beyoncé.

The Debate We Should be Having: Why My "No Foxeeter Left Behind Program" is Failing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Egotistical, moi?  When my country is dying, sorry, I’m allowed to be a little miffed.  Frankly, I’m reaaaallly miffed!  Some things we are both angry about, but too much of your outrage is directed at things either blown out of proportion, or likely to be disproven a year from now.  But that’s OK, because by then you’ll be reacting to a whole new batch of false assumptions. 

The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I hate economics.  If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are...  The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway.  I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.

Holy Rollercoaster, Batman!
By Mick Zano
Holy Rollercoaster, Batman!
Mick Zano

During my family’s last trip to Las Vegas, my daughter insisted on going on The Manhattan Express at the New York, New York casino.  Never do this.  It’s a harrowing rollercoaster ride, but, even more of a deterrent, it’s right by Nine Fine Irishmen. So what’s a good father to do?  I sent ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony on with her, of course, and started toward me Guinness.

Celtic Crossings: Best Guinness Pour in AZ
By Mick Zano
Celtic Crossings: Best Guinness Pour in AZ
Mick Zano

Prescott, AZ—This article has been a long time in the drinking. I have several crib notes on this place that have since been completely lost, which is a compliment to the establishment. I found Celtic Crossings a couple of years ago and now it has become one of my favorite Arizona Irish pubs. In fact, this pub changed my life…just not for the better.

Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
By Mick Zano
Never Mind that Shit, Here Comes Mongo!
Mick Zano

As a psychology dude, sometimes I try to figure out where the right is coming from.  My move from the east coast to AZ was kind of like Dian Fossey’s move to the Serengeti (sorry to nitpick).  Anyway, perusing the headlines on the Drudge Report, I was about to read, More Americans Work for Gov’t than Ever...  I know, I know, but let’s give the right the benefit of the…holy crap!  My eyes shifted to the next headline. Bachmann is out fundraising Romney for the GOP nominee?!  I uttered that old Blazing Saddle’s line, "Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!"

The View from My Guinness: A Stout Pours in Sedona
By Mick Zano
The View from My Guinness: A Stout Pours in Sedona
Mick Zano

I have been living in northern Arizona for almost a few years now and I have both loved and loathed nearby Sedona.  It’s such wonderful place, a place sacred to both the Hopi and hobo alike, and yet there’s always something missing.  One thing that comes to mind is the lack of a well poured Guinness—actually, any Guinness for that matter. 

Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

The Case for Obama’s Impeachment
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

What Are You so Damn Proud of Real America?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem?  America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again. 

The First Rule of Pizza Club is Don’t Talk About Pizza Club
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Las Vegas, NV—Just a few short weeks ago, the Cosmopolitan opened on the Las Vegas Strip, and, of course, the Discord was there to cover it. Of all the neat and wonderful things to discover and enjoy in this newest Strip casino, the biggest surprise turned out to be the pizza place. I have been sworn not to tell anyone where it is. It has no name. Seriously…think of it as the world’s first speakcheesy. No, they're not allowed to use that line.

Welcome to My Nightmare: I was a Teenage Barbizon Parent
By Mick Zano
Welcome to My Nightmare: I was a Teenage Barbizon Parent
Mick Zano

So I attended this Barbizon thing, well, from a distance (aka, the hotel bar).  I watched the scores of Barbie wannabes marching into Ballroom A from my stool.

I snuck over and listened outside for a time and heard the speaker say, "We are only going to choose several girls in this room today."

That’s all I needed to hear.

A 2010 Zano-Style Rebuttal
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

My New Year’s resolution is no more stories about Fox News.  Oh, oh, wait, but there’s one more thing… The Crank’s view, as always, suspiciously resembles Fox’s and can be summed up thusly: socialism = bad, cutting spending = good.  Very helpful—well, not really—not when this all-or-Fox thinking threatens to block any meaningful fiscal reform.  Here’s what we should be taking away from this year in politics: some Advil.

Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…Just Don’t Ask
By Mick Zano
Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…<i>Just Don’t Ask</i>
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Dozens of people came out to support the LGBTQ community in front of City Hall this Saturday in downtown Flagstaff.  Once there, I immediately asked what the acronym LGBTQ stood for, but, as it turns out, I had no pen, no pencil, no paper, and no ability to remember five words told to me in succession. 

Best Wishes in Your Future Endeavors Mick Zano
Mick Zano, former Walmart greeter

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  "Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!" said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

"I just want him gone," said Winslow.  "He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent."

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  "I’ll be just fine," said Zano.  "Well, at least until the background check comes back."

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Dueling Youtubes
By Mick Zano
Dueling Youtubes
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ—Having barely paid off the fines from the last time I was bored, I decided to channel my energies toward Youtube.  Entering this series of tubes that is the internet, I became lost in my own Youtube adventure.  For starters, I played Dylan’s and Guns & Roses’ version of Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door simultaneously.  Never do this.

Cobra Sucks: or why at 42 I want Obamacare to Allow Me Back on My Parent’s Insurance
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

At the eve of my big rally, I had a thoughtful post prepared.  Then I find Mick Zano trying to host a rally on the same day, same place, with parts of my same rally poster.  I typically don’t like to air dirty laundry like this, but Mick has become increasingly jealous of my popularity lately. He used to be the big gun, but now more fan mail is gradually coming to me.  It’s like over on Fox when Beck started passing O’Reilly.  I know it’s hard moving to a steamy pile of number two, bitch, but get used to it.  And that poster of yours is a cry for help. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and in an effort to continue answering my weekly question: yes, it sounds like an infection, JC.  But don’t pay top dollar at some walk-in clinic or ED, I have a contact for you.  He’s known to most as the Keeper of the Sacred Dime Bag.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?
Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Philadelphia, PA—The allegations are flying today as the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord, falls under increasing scrutiny over what many are calling a clear foul.  The controversy is centered around an image depicted on the Discord’s October 5th coverage of their recent "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" rally.  The image makes it appear like more people attended the rally than actually did.  It’s a technique known to PhotoShopsters as the Bachman Effect—used by Fox News to make impotent rallies seem a bit more rallyier (rallyier is a word, by the way, we checked with the Bard of Wasilla herself).

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that his staffers doctored the photo for the purpose of furthering his nefarious agenda.

"It’s preposterous!" yelled Winslow at reporters outside of his suburban Philly home. "Nothing about that photo says doctored to me, and I oughtta know."

A reporter pointed out how, if you look closely enough at the image, some identical people actually appear on both sides of the reflecting pond.

"It’s a reflecting pond!" shouted Winslow.  "It’s what reflecting ponds do!  I can assure you the image we snatched illegally from Google Images has not been tampered with in any way.  We have Elements, the cheaper, watered-down version of PhotoShop, which is set to expire if we don’t figure out how to register the software."

"How could we keep a conspiracy this big a secret," said Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  "Too many people would need to know.  Now I admit I did originally suggest they make the Washington Monument into a big penis with a Santa Claus cap on it, but increasing the crowd, never!"

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Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops
Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before.  The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

"The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!"

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, "Where is everyone?  We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!"

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

"I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!"

This had the desired effect.  Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones.  This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event. 

"We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "But many were with us in spirit—just not in person.  We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either.  It’s just impossible to know for sure."

"This is a grass & roots movement like no other," said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca  or Ibogaine.

"This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days," said the Shaman.  "We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.

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CNN:  It Isn’t Just For Blitzer Anymore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I record Fareed Zakaria GPS every Sunday morning on CNN religiously.  Well, I don’t complete the mechanics involved personally; I have people for that.  OK, my 11 year old does it, but she is gradually teaching me how to use my DVR.  Granted, last week’s lesson went poorly, but she did teach me the proper acronym, DVR (apparently, it’s not a VCR or a DVD, it’s some type of alien hybrid). 

Parenting: Why I Stopped
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I came across a blog the other day in which these four, all important parenting tips, are stressed for the academic success of your child. It was the act of reading these four items, in succession, that made me realize just how much my parenting style leaves to be desired.

The Discord’s Para Abnormal Research Team vs. Haunted Jerome
By Mick Zano
The Discord’s Para Abnormal Research Team vs. Haunted Jerome
Mick Zano

Yours truly and Vegas’ great, Bald Tony, headed out for some ghost hunting adventures last weekend. The town of Jerome, AZ, has survived mine explosions, three major fires, and the reign of Governor Janet Brewer.  This town and my old college party house have a lot in common.  Incidentally, Janet was barred from The Havoc House my sophomore year.  I remember it pained me at the time…having to throw out someone named Brewer.

Boomeritis, College Trials, and the Infamous Starburst Incident
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

It’s time to pick on the thought police, those destroyers of the 1st and 2nd Amendment rights, the fodder for Hannity’s America, the Pluralistic Pelosi Police (P3).  You know them better as those libs against liberty, hiding in their dubious Ivory Towers.  I really didn’t see much liberal indoctrination during my 6 ½ year undergraduate work stint.  I met the inside of a lot of bars and the inside of a lot of young—never mind.  Suffice to say, my study habits were poor and my drinking habits were poorer.   I drink therefore I cram, kind of sums it up nicely.  

The Hollywood Ending and Other Insightful Film Observations
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Remember that old Pink Floyd line, "I’ve got 13 channels of shit on the TV to choose from?" Now, of course, I’ve got 213 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.   For some reason, after flipping through all of these various channels, I stopped on IFC (The Independent Film Channel).   Never do this…

OK, Crank, I’ll Stop Bitching: After this One Last Time
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Funny, I said the same exact thing about methamphetamine.  This will be my last rant against Fox News and George W. Bush.  You don’t believe me?  Would I ever woefully mislead my fateful readership?  I’m not the Ghetto Shaman, for Pete’s sake.

Funny Thing, but Breaking Something Called the Justice Department Might Have Consequences for, er…Justice
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you heard the Black Panther voter intimidation scandal yet?  The Justice Department’s actions are shocking!  It seems they are especially shocking for Republicans who helped dismantle the Justice Department, brick by brick, in the first place.  None of you were outraged to find Bush had replaced 150 positions in the government—including several  key jobs in the Justice Dept from some Pat Robertson 4th tier regent college—but you’re mad about this shit?  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen the 700 Club?  I would bow to the zombie god of Karl Marx before I would ever watch an episode of that shit. 

Interview with the Zanpire
By The Crank
The Crank

The following is a one-on-one interview with Mick Zano, or the Zanferatu of the Daily Discord. While I feel strongly that the Discord readers must begin to understand the real Zano, it was taking place during a particularly great short-skirted blond interviewing another great short-skirted blond on Fox News, so I was somewhat distracted.

The Subliminal Mind Fuck America
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So I was drinking Tequila yesterday, listening to Greenday, and watching waaaay too much Fox News, or as I call it "the weekday special" …maybe I should drink waaaay too much Tequila and avoid cable news all together. 

The Bone Gang Destroys Pluto
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print.  Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?

Screw You and the Deficit You Rode in On (a Zano Rant: Part Deux)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You keep doing it.  All of you!  Rick, your post is great—no argument (well, a little argument).  It clarifies the Dems stupidity. I have mentioned the role of Clinton’s de-regulations in my own posts (as well as Dodd and Frank’s culpability on Fannie and Freddie). It certainly factored into my original estimates.  But, as usual, you are focusing on one turd in the corner, while you continually fail to see the massive pile of excrement right in front of you.  No, not the Daily Discord (geesh, everyone’s a critic).

Bush, the Tea Party, and Fiscal Conservatism for Dummies
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yes, I’m going there again, but only because even I am flabbergasted how much worse the facts keep getting.  No, I don’t use the word flabbergasted lightly.  The unease people are facing now, amidst the economic collapse, gives me hours of amusement.  At least people are finally embracing the suckage.  But they still don’t know how we got here!  Well, that all ends today.  I tried to guesstimate our fiscal woes a few posts back and, as it turns out, I stand corrected (or blog corrected).  It’s actually worse for the Bushies.  I have been waiting a long time for these numbers from the Congressional Budget Office.  Really, I’ve done nothing but wait patiently for this info—besides the four Bs, of course: boozing, boinking, blogging and BimboGladiators.com.

Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day?
Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day?

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious that no one posted any of the Daily Discord’s  submissions for this week’s Draw Muhammad Day.

"Sure, we Photoshopped the shit, but that’s how we roll.  Who draws?  Do I look like I still play with crayons, you cretin-blogging dickwads?!  OK, don’t answer that."

Witnesses claim that Winslow has grown completely irrational after the realization that every blogger from Seattle to Georgia refused to post any of the Daily Discord’s twenty-seven computer generated submissions.

"That’s nonsense," disagreed Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  "Winslow’s always completely irrational." 

Since no one picked up any of the controversial material, Mr. Winslow is calling for lashings, beheadings, and belashings—which is, actually, more reminiscent of his ill-received Draw Muhammad in Drag Day.  In retaliation, the Daily Discord is planning to host Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day next week and Winslow would like to add, "And we’re not taking any of your submission at this time, bitches."

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Stout and Java: the Next PB&J?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Many years ago, when I saw the cast of Friends hanging out all night in some coffee shop, I thought, wow, here’s a fad that won’t last. I meant to say: Friends—an awful show—I knew coffee shops had a place in my future, in the same way that Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox probably did not.  I only came to appreciate coffee, and those gathering niches that serve it, after I actually owned the laptop myself.  Besides, what did we do in coffee shops before laptops?  Knit?

Does America Need an Integral, Yet Raging, Nougat-Filled Center?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

There’s a current bias toward moderates these days. It’s an essentially meaningless word, like the dollar. The Crank feels people are really in the middle of most issues and that the nuts portrayed in the media are nothing more than good entertainment. I don’t think if you take Spiral Dynamics seriously, which I do, you can so easily dismiss the different perspectives at work here. Nine states want to secede, and I happen to be living in one of them. I want to secede too, but not for the same reasons they do. Someone needs to do something about reality television and open container laws! See?

Long-Term Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats
Long-Time Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats

State College, PA—In another complete waste of the tax payer’s dime, two Daily Discord contributors used stimulus funds to conduct research on as many young coeds as they could get their hands on.

"The research was not without its challenges," admitted head researcher, Dave Atsals. "It’s getting harder to get women to let us into their dorm rooms, because we’re older and creepier now."

Fellow researcher, Mick Zano, could not disagree more.  "We were always creepy, Dave." 

The two conducted a study that suggests a robust and perky correlation between marijuana use and college shindiggery.  The journal article, entitled, Dorms, Bongs, and Misdemeanors: A Quaaludeatative Study on Wine, Women, and Weed, is due to post in Lancet, if Winslow can hack into their database when no one is looking. 

The study has survived the rigorous beer-review process and was passed around in a circle along with some choice hydroponic bud.

When asked why the two researchers chose young college women as their test subjects instead of lab rats, they both replied in unison, "You’re kidding, right?"

Actually, there was a long pause before their, back-of-the-throat type, gaspy answer.  The researchers both followed up the question with a long stream of greasy smoke and several STDs.

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Dr. Obamacare: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Healthcare Bill
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Mr. Pernick, Obama is simply preparing you for something Republicans have put off thinking about for a long time…something called the future.  Your view of reality is as short-lived as that new Facebook group, Mohammed Caricature Artists of Damascus (has the meeting been moved to Wed., Abdullah?).  In the immortal words of Dan Akroyd, "Do you want to see something really scary?"  Try reading the UK’s defense plan for the next twenty-five years.  I have.  Soylent Green, it’s Brit folk.  I think sending them all that SPAM during the war has changed their DNA.   Now if we could only find a more eco-friendly way to upgrade yours…

Free Speech for Those who Can Afford It
By Dave Atsals
The Supreme Court Jokers
Dave Atsals

If you think the last presidential election was swayed by advertising and the almighty dollar (I donated a five spot), just wait to see what the future holds.  America’s Court Jesters, aka the Supreme Court, recently made a ruling that will change the face of politics forever—and not in a Botox, cheek-tuck kind of way.  These Jesters sing for the King and Queen with coats they borrowed from James Dean.  The SCOTUS decision allows corporations limitless advertisements for their handpicked candidates.  The move was actually defended by the likes of Mitch (cognitive age decline) McConnell.  "Our Democracy, Inc. depends upon free speech®, not just for some but for all."

Think Outside the Fox: A Crank Rebuttal
Mick Zano

The Crank had a postscript with his last feature, and, though it pains me to admit it, he’s right. I’ve been a little bitchy in my posts lately—using more colorful metaphors and the like. I have come up with some more politically correct compromises: instead of Teabaggers, Tea Party members will hence forth be referred to as the "democratically disabled". And I never should have called my Governor a bitch. From now on such politicians will be referred to as the "legislaturally challenged". Even the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do not deserve the title of "assholes", so from now on they will be referred to as "suffering from pervasive partisanship disorder (PPD)".

Clash of Civilizations?
By Mick Zano
Cartoon Mohammed has left the cartoon
Mick Zano

To fully grasp this brewing global conflict, we need to understand the main players and their perspectives.  Despite popular belief, there are valid perspectives and decidedly less than valid perspectives.  This may not be politically correct, but it happens to be true.  Many liberals continue to labor from the misapprehension that all perspectives are equal, but there is such a thing as wrong and wronger.  For example, Bush (wrong) Osama Bin Laden (wronger).  Israeli occupation and sanctions (wrong), Palestinian suicide bombers (wronger). Christian Fundamentalism (wrong), Islamic Fundamentalism (wronger), Police Academy I (wrong), all the other Police Academy movies (wronger).

Revenge of "Another Discord Apology"
Pierce Winslow

The source of our recent article Dalai Lama Tells China to "Take a Fucking Chill Pill" remains in serious doubt.

Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting German Killer should have read Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting Germ Killer. We are particularly sorry that, as a result of this publication, various German communities chose to burn several of our prominent national laboratories to the ground.

Horrific Bush Rash headline, should have read Horrific Bus Crash.  Also, our headline H1N1 Available for All, we meant the vaccination. In defense of our editing staff, they are often intoxicated. 

The Daily Discord would also like to take the time to apologize for publishing Mick Zano’s thesis on The Disappearing Himalayan Glaciers and their Correlation to the Autistic Tree Frog.  He went to an on-line university and in no way thought Al Gore and the scientific community would ever run with this crap. 

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Discord Sues Sarah Palin on Charges of Self Satire
Sarah Palin steals Discord thunder about her own stupidity
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Nashville, TN—During Sarah Palin’s keynote address to the Teaparty yesterday this picture was taken of her crib notes. This is a real picture. The words on her hand are believed to read: Energy, Budget [crossed out] Cuts, Tax, Lift American spirits. If you look closely something is even scratched out amidst her, uhum, in-depth bullet points. The crossed out piece is believed to read Daily D. (Daily Discord?). Supporters claim she may actually have been trying to give us credit by footnoting the similar joke posted by the Discord on January 13, 2010. 12:00:00 AM PST. But Sarah Palin is no friend of the Discord? The Daily Discord’s CEO is furious.

"How are we supposed to make fun of this tart, if our obvious exaggerations prove true?" said Pierce Winslow. "We spare no expense Photoshopping a crib sheet and the ditzy bitch pulls this?! How can we possibly dumb this broad down anymore?"

Head writer for the Daily Discord, Mick Zano, has reportedly scrapped the next two Palin bits involving spit balls and wedgies, just in case.

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The Daily Discord: Breaking Down News into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

How can you people insist Obama hasn’t accomplished anything?  He postponed a depression, he put a muzzle on Joe Biden—no easy trick—and he turned global warming into global cooling.  Not bad for one year in office.  Sure Obama is a bully, but he’s bending the rule of law for the powers of good.  OK, I’m kidding.  It’s just fun watching the patriotards squirm.  Have a czar, you’re gonna go far...  

Hey, Bed, Bath & Beyond Bull Shit, Stick that Ergonomic Gravy-Separator Up Yer…
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Prior to this year’s Thanksgiving feast, my sister sent me out into the wilds of Phoenix to retrieve something called a gravy separator. She typically chooses a "special job" that matches my talents (aka: a job that even I can’t screw up).  There is long history here of bringing back the wrong cooking sherry, the wrong cranberry sauce, or the wrong homeless person that I met at the bar on the way over.  She obviously decided to throw care into the wind this year by sending me to a large kitchen store.  This was clearly above my pay grade. It was not some recent increase in confidence, mind you, for the ‘just pick up some ice’ fiasco was still fresh on her mind (ice also has a drug slang connotation).   

I’ll Show You My Twitter if You’ll Sit on My Facebook
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ — Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I don’t care how any of you rat-bastards are doing in FarmVille and/or Mafia Wars; and, no, I don’t want to play. You’re all doped up on goofballs. What the hell is FarmVille, anyway?! Wait, don’t answer that. In this instance, the Crank is right—I can’t handle the truth.

It Might Not Happen Tomorrow: So Keep On Polluting
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

With Climategate emerging and Al Gore's 'world fever' breaking a bit, It could happen tomorrow might now be renamed It could happen next Tuesday around dinner time. Of course, this is a long title that could use some editing, but the four main points won't change on this topic: 1) there are earthly cycles that we don't fully understand, 2) man's impact on this phenomenally complex system is not fully understood, 3) pollution = bad, and 4) strange things certainly are afoot at the Circle K. 

Et tu Stewarte?  Discord Sues The Daily Show and Declares War on American Digest
Nov. 7, 2009Nov. 12, 2009
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Philadelphia, PA - The CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious over what looks to be more hijacked material. While viewing Fox’s Hannity on the November 12th episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart snapped in an eerily similar manner to Mick Zano in the Discord’s November 7th piece Super Fox Me.

“Zano isn’t even that funny,” said Winslow.  “Why do people keep stealing his shit?  And Stewart wasn’t just mocking Sean Hannity, he was making fun of a real incident…an incident with staggering mental health implications!  Did you see that Teddy bear hanging in Stewart’s version?  That’s our Mick.  How is that funny?” 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Massage Parlor, reported Mr. Zano had only become lucid moments before asking to watch Comedy Central.

“The Daily Show always used to make him laugh,” said Hogbien, stifling a tear.

The good doctor isn’t sure if Mr. Zano became incensed by the next round of blatantly stolen material, or if the piece was too similar to his recent ill-fated Fox blogathon.

“Either way, he’s back in a catatonic state,” said Hogbien.  “We can’t rule out a complete PTSD breakdown, or menopause. If Mr. Zano should regain consciousness, I suggest no one mention the Daily Show, American Digest, or the fact that his Parah Salin bit was snagged by maniacworld.com.  Shit…I think he heard that.”

“Our lawyer, Mr. Cohen, is certainly going to be busy,” warned Winslow.  “The Crank has already drafted a less than politically correct letter to Comedy Central.  It’s downright offensive actually.”

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Super Fox Me: Discord Staffer Snaps During 24 Hour Fox News Blogathon
Super Fox Me: Discord Staffer Snaps During 24 Hour Fox News Blogathon

Nowhere, AZ - Doctors ended Mick Zano’s dream of live-blogging Fox News for an unprecedented 24 hour period.  The session ended thirty-seven minutes into the blog fest, when the attending physician, Dr. Sterling Hogbien of the Hogbien Institute and Casino, observed something akin to a psychotic break. The doctor reported that halfway through the show Hannity, Mr. Zano experienced several bouts of maniacal giggling before slipping into a dangerously delusional state.

When asked why the plug was not pulled earlier, Dr. Hogbien stated, "Maniacal giggling and delusions are not far off Zano’s baseline.  When he watches Fox News there are always mood swings, anxiety, and a significant rise in blood pressure, particularly when Sarah Palin is mentioned." 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien told authorities he only went ahead with the experiment after Zano assured him that watching Fox News for increasingly long periods of time had not resulted in any adverse reactions.

"We certainly would never have attempted this had we known what a quivering pile of Jello he would become" said Hogbien. 

When asked if Fox News is dangerous to the general public, Dr. Hogbien said, "Certainly not.  In small doses it is something to be enjoyed, like alcohol.  But too much and, well, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Foxual activity."

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Let’s Make Sure This Never Happens Again by Making Another Shitty Law
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

When something bad happens, like a Crank feature article, our instincts are to say, let’s make sure something like this never happens again, usually via a better life through litigation.  But this build-a-new-law strategy is usually counterproductive.  Have you heard about the family who took pictures of their kids in the tub?  They turned some glossies into Wal-Mart to develop and ended up losing their kids for a month to CPS.  Who knew long term babysitting could be so easy?  Fox News, sensationalism with zero forethought, dons its red cap of justice and flies in for the rescue.  The same shortsighted binary-thinking imbeciles who championed the laws that made this fiasco possible are now the most surprised by the ramifications of their deeds. Sadly, this is their usual MO (hint: they’re not horribly bright).

Tomorrow Bissua Edouardo Rides His Last Bull, or Not
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ - My Saturday started out typically enough.  I left the house around 9:00AM to hit the trio grande of local coffee shops, then a bookstore, then lunch, then a beer.  I drank enough caffeine over the next several hours to give even Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas the jitters.  I snagged a used copy of the Tibetan Book of the Dead and then, quite uncharacteristically, embarked on a solo bar crawl (typically I invite friends for solo bar crawls).  For my first drink, I decided on a place called the Wine Nook and ordered an Old Rasputin.  Reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead called for compatible refreshment.  Four attractive women were sitting at the end of the bar.  They introduced themselves. Apparently, it was the brunette’s birthday and they were in for a weekend of partying.

Austin Police Chief to Criminalize Bloggers!

Austin, TX - Austin Police Chief, Art Acevedo, says he is ready to “take on” blogs and will be perusing the comment sections on local media internet sites.  Acevedo believes his police department has been misrepresented in the blogosphere on numerous issues.

“A lot of my people feel it is time to take these people on,” said Acevedo. “When people are willfully misleading and lying, they are pretty much cowards anyway because they are doing so under the cloak of anonymity.” 

The Crank—which is his god given name, mind you—had this to say: “Hey, Buford T. Justice, leave them blogs alone!”

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, is “highly offended that Chief Acevedo keeps soliciting his children for sex.”

Mick Zano would like to add that he “hopes he comes clean on the bestiality charges soon.”

Chief Acevedo went on to say that he “likes to where pretty pink dresses and gets obnoxiously drunk during business hours on the taxpayer’s dime.”

The Daily Discord’s own, Bald Tony, has discovered the chilling truth that the first amendment means nothing to this man, and, apparently “when he’s not luring young women to their demise, he likes to lure young boys to their demise.”

In his own defense, Chief Acevedo had this to say, “I am fascinated with human excrement, but won’t seek help because of my deeply spiritual Wiccan belief system.”

The Daily Discord welcomes the Acevedo lawsuit to come.

“We’re kind of surprised the Maria Shriver lawsuit never panned out,” said Winslow. Despite the inability to get sued by anyone, Winslow remains optimistic.  “I believe any publicity is good publicity—right, goat-humping cop guy?”

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Healthcare: A Broken System Almost as Bad as Depicted by Michael Moore
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Amidst much chagrin, chest-thumping, and gnashing of teeth, this post highlights the problems of expanding public healthcare.  Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  After all, the truth is the truth is the truth, lied Zano.  Government funded healthcare is complicated to the point of absurdity.  In fact, Managed Care has created whole swaths of self-important middle men and middle agencies that both spend and make oobs and gobs and loads of tax payer’s money while desperately trying to justify their own existence.  This is not uncommon in super capitalism land, which is another reason why this house of cards called the U.S. economy has less sustainability than a freshly baked Krispy Kreme in Crank Manor.

Spirographic Dianetics and the Evolution of Consciousness
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Some aren’t going to buy what I’m peddling today, but that’s OK.  It’s still America, no matter what the Discord’s CEO thinks (Commie bastard!).  First off, my writing is not designed to offend the many dickwads that don’t get it.  At least one individual is wondering about this color coding thingie (CCT) that I keep mentioning in my posts. You will be hearing more and more about Spiral Dynamics, Transpersonal Psychology, and the evolution of consciousness, because the truth has a tendency to stick around, like the Ghetto Shaman after last call.  Of course, on the downside of this subject matter, anything even hinting at a hierarchy of ideas is always met with condemnation, er…like the Ghetto Shaman after last call. 

Obamacare:  Is the Public Option Really a Pain in the Privates?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Yesterday, a guy standing on a corner in downtown U.S.A asked me, “Would you sign this petition to support universal healthcare?”

And I said, “Unlike the rest of the country, I’m rather ambivalent about the whole thing.  Our current healthcare system sucks ass, but more government bureaucracy is rarely the answer.  Besides, the Dems are never going to get the bill passed, because Dems are, by their very nature, pussys.”

The Patriotard Menace: A Crank Rebuttal
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Listen up patriorards…oh wait, so you all put on your thinking caps, this is a Fox News Alert!  There, now that I have your undivided attention: the Bush legacy is inextricably linked to the Sarah Palin Phenomenon (SPP).  The only reason I mentioned Bush was to segue to the stupidity yet to come.  A vote for Bush Part Deux and then supporting Sarah Palin is not a position, it’s a diagnosis.  Doing the same thing over-and-over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.  Dr. Killpatient, have the Thorazine ready.  I am appalled that the same people who voted for Bush twice are enthusiastically supporting his female counterpart to set things right in 2012.  I am even more appalled that we’re talking about nearly half the country.  I never said you were alone, Goomis, it’s just that you should be.  As the “mental health professional” in the room with over six years of bachelor level education, when really it was only 5 ½ years, exaggerator, going from Bush to Palin is like divorcing your first husband for beating you and then marrying that sweet hunky guy down the street, who immediately starts beating you!  As my domestic violence therapist oftensays, your picker is broken.  But that’s OK.  These things are fixable, but the first step in the healing process is recognizing the problem.  This isn’t just a post, peeps, it’s an intervention. 

My Facebook Needs a Face Lift
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

A friend and fellow Discordian, who would like to remain Mickless, recommended we all register on Facebook, and I hate him for it.  I opened an account, a public one, no less, and thanks to Pierce Winslow’s great idea to use public accolades instead of our real names, well…let’s just say I’ve gotten about what I deserve.  NOTHING. ABSOULTELY NOTHING.  Facebook, or no, the expected herds of adoring fans have yet to materialize.  The sexy blonde female stalkers have not overwhelmed my home page.  In fact, I haven’t even had any hate mail.  Nothing, nada, nichts.   Worse yet, despite the endless spam ads assaulting my web searches, the awful truth is: there are absolutely no hot single women in my area waiting to talk to me!  None!  It’s all a lie!  AHHHHhhhhhhhh! Distraught and disenchanted, I turned to the internet to search for my true popularity.  Wikipedia’s search results for Dave Atsals are as follows...

Russians Suggest Buttons for New World Currency

L’Aquila, IT - At the G8 summit on July 9th Russian President Dimity Medvedev unveiled his own vision of our new world currency.  He feels paper should be discontinued and our universal currency should be buttons from old clothing.  Buttons, according to Medvedev, would ensure an end to our global recession and would “symbolize the start of our global depression.”  The President believes we need to “stop fooling ourselves” and that we should start developing some realistic goals for our shared demise.  Medvedev also reportedly agrees with Mick Zano that bug ichor is an excellent source of protein.

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Mick Zano Detained After Slim Jim Factory Explosion

Phoenix, AZ - The Daily Discord’s own Mick Zano was interrogated shortly after the explosion, in Garner, NC, of a Slim Jim Jerky Plant.  Mr. Zano became a ‘person of interest’ after one of his recent articles eerily foreshadowed events on June 8th at ConAgra foods.  Zano claims his condemnation of all jerky products only days before the massive explosion was merely “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Zano went on to say, “Think about it, if somebody doesn’t like abortion clinics, they wouldn’t go around blowing them up.”

No one has seen or heard from Mr. Zano since that last statement and rightly so.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is on the record as stating, “I will do everything in my power to see that Mick receives a fair execution.”

As much as Winslow finds Zano “morally reprehensible,” the prospect of promoting the Crank to head comedy writer fills him with an even deeper dread.  Furthermore, Mr. Winslow denies allegations that he has contacted the Jerky Boys for legal counsel.

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Amurican Education and that Bitch Kimmy Grenawitz
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

When my fourth grade teacher, Mr. Healy, asked for potential solutions to our country’s refuse problem I thought, in my typical ‘hey, I’m only in the fourth grade but have the balls to raise my hand today’ kind of way, maybe we should send all of the garbage into space, or shoot it into the sun or something.  That was the general idea, and, no, I still haven’t gotten over his reply.  Now, he could have discussed the cost of such a venture, or the logistics of flying daily to the sun with a shuttle full of empty milk cartons, but instead my astute teacher, who always liked Kimmy Grenawitz best, said, and this part I remember quite vividly, “Space is the last place we want to pollute!”

Space; infinite, empty space; our sun, the giant yellow incinerator, thingie.  Whaaaa?

The Daily Discord: 2009 An Editing Odyssey
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

One contributor asked about the Discord’s submission and editing process, and no it wasn’t Pokey McDorkis.  He still doesn’t have internet access, or a clue.   L. Wolfe asked me, why hasn’t my article (sent to Mick Zano six months ago) been posted yet?  I explained to Mr. Wolfe, in true Discord fashion, the way an article makes it all the way from host to post. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale and I must admit to some confusion.  I normally like stream of consciousness stuff, but what is Midget Reiki, who exactly are the Jersey Chuds, and why do you spend weeks at a time in a bar room toilet trying to contact the Malt Liquor Gods?

Sincerely,

Michael Raney

Hagerstown, MD



Dear Michael,

Indeed, I call that style Manic-Binge writing.

First off, Midget Reiki is only for the adept.  A better place to start would be at one of my Yoga Parties. Yo-ga!  Yo-ga!

The Jersey Chuds are minions of the Chaos Pigeons; those feathery adversaries to all that is sacred.   Mick Zano and Dr. Sterling Hogbein have written extensively about them. I would recommend their works, but, as a rule I only plug my own books.

As for your third question: a Shaman’s job is to become in-tune with energies constantly percolating on the energetic plane and then alter those energies prior to their manifestation back here on the earthly plane.  I drink malt liquor products and frequent the men’s room in hopes of one day harnessing the energy of the sacred beer fart (See Fartori Experience). I believe these energies will one day power the unfolding Universe itself.  Pokey McDooris is single-colonly pushing this particular boundary.  What he can do with a burrito and forty ounces of Big Jug Xtra Malt Liquor is legendary.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Neurillogical: Why Some People Are Wrong For Soooo Long
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The origins of clinical neuropsychology are rooted in efforts to address the effects of head injuries sustained by soldiers during World War II.  Neuroscientists prefer to study brains when they are not functioning properly, Abbey Normal, if you will.  In other words, why wait for the next world war?  There is a wealth of knowledge studying Bush and his minions, right here, right now (Jesus Jones, 1990).  Bush can, and should, be studied in every psych 101 class.  He is the quintessential example of almost every brand of tortured logic.  Robert A. Burton, MD has recently spent a great deal of time studying the neural underpinnings of knowing, and what he discovered, much like Pokey’s fascination with the Shit Goblins, is both intriguing and frightening.  Dr. Burton looked into how we know what we know, and his answer is surprising (he doesn’t know).

Revolution is in the Err: Bachman Boehner Overdrive
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

After eight years of sitting back, quietly, while our economy and our Constitution were systematically gutted, now, now, there is a new group freaking out?  Now, the right-wing attack dogs are stirring up a revolution?

Discord Holds Protests in Six Cities to Bash the Media: No One Covers It

Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause.  In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!”  Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!”  Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine.  At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited.  Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!”  OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25th he added the exclamation point - for the cause.  Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated). 

“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”

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We Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Paranoia and Secret Societies
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Sorry kids, like it or not we’re heading smack-dab into what an old Chinese proverb describes as “interesting times.”  These special periods of human existence are chock-full of upheavals and heaping piles of uncertainty for the whole dysfunctional family.  What is coming, you ask?

DON’T CALL ME I’LL CALL YOU
By Pokey McDooris

Propaganda bombards us from every angle of the media, but there is one piece of propaganda overlooked by everyone. The cell phone has become instituted as THE medium for communication in the post-modern age.  I’m talking about how the cell phone is good and even necessary for human interaction.  Everybody has one.  They’re in the bars, on the buses, in the parks, and even in the hands of our children.  We’ve bought them hook, line, and ringer.  We’re merrily chit-chatting in our own little worlds while remaining oblivious to the real consequences.

A Stimulating Conversation with Fox: I Got Your Package Right Here
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

These quotes, minus mine, all occurred on Fox News 2/23/09 over the course of about twenty-five minutes (end of Hannity beginning of Van Susteren).  The folks at Fox are hedging their bets in the hopes that voting against our last ditch effort, which again, only has about a 15 percent chance of working, will help them in their road-warrior-wasteland-election to come.  Good luck with that.

SpankenCranken
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Goomis, Goomis, Goomis. Not all of life’s lessons can be explained by Star Trek episodes.  Besides, it’s much more like the one when the shuttle crash-lands on that planet, only to be assailed by large rock-hurling giants. (Although, I’m not exactly sure why it’s like that.)

This is going to come as a shock to many of you, but I suffer from Bush Derangement Syndrome (BDS). Fear not, fair reader, for slowly my world will return to normal now that there is some semblance of leadership in the White House. And by normal, I mean, of course: no home, no job, no retirement, and no food. I’m going to miss the American way of life. Give me some time to mourn, for Pete’s sake! Haven’t you ever heard of the five stages of the grieving process? Perhaps this recent example will help:


  • Denial (He’s a Yale man and his dad was kind of sharp…)
  • Anger (Torture! The Constitution! The Bill of Rights! The Justice Department!)
  • Bargaining (If I vote straight Dems for the midterms, maybe impeachment…)
  • Depression (Well, Canada has hockey and beer…)
  • Acceptance (Hey, Canada has hockey and beer!)
The Ghosts of Brewers Past: Philly’s General Lafayette Inn
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The para-abnormal research team consisted of Ranger Rick, who both led the investigation and set the pace (three pints an hour), Pierce Winslow, our tech-guru (who wrote the whole thing off as a business expense), Pokey McDooris, philosopher and sideshow attraction, Timmo O’Frynn, driver and camera man, Bob Krazmoski, treasurer and straight man, and, yours truly, Mick Zano, addiction counselor/beer enthusiast.

Putting the Mental Back in Fundamentalism
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Your assessment of fundamentalism is as flawed as your pal the ghetto shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise (never again, by the way).  You insist that there are elements of traditionalism that are fundamental to our continued evolvement as a species.  Whereas this is inherently true, few, if any of these societal guidelines needs be legislated by our marred and battered legal system. What our laws need to focus on in the twenty-first century is mutual respect and mutual respect alone…you know, Ron Paul country.  If the spirit of mutual respect can be infused through our laws and our legal system (sorry, that’s too funny) then and only then will we retain this foundation of which you speak.  By respecting each stage and each level, and by allowing each individual to remain precisely where they are in the spectrum, is all that is necessary.  All the way from our Crank Manifesto’s orange/blue rants to our Ghetto Shaman’s…ahh, you know, I can’t actually figure that guy out.  By the way, the Ghetto Shaman has moved to Florida and is sending us his ‘column’ each week on badly stained bar coasters.  

Hitch is Not Great: How Rationalists Are Wrong About One Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

During my recent interview with Christopher Hitchens, which occurred without his knowing, we—or more accurately, I—discussed his most recent book: God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.  I originally titled this article “Hooray for the Hate-Monger Christopher Hitchens,” but my colleagues eventually nixed that idea.  Still squeamish about my recent Copenhagen foray into political cartooning, I heeded their advice.  I do, in all sincerity, applaud Christopher Hitchens, as both a journalist and a thinker.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the vast majority of his acerbic ruminations on any number of subjects. It is hard to argue with a rationalist, because they, by their very nature, tend to be…er, rational.  However, I cannot endorse the views he espouses in God Is Not Great, nor do I intend to stray into the dubious realms of irrationality.

Thus Spake Zanothustra
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Dilemma?  Mwaah?  I have simply stated ad infinitum that America will not survive eight years of George W. Bush (Me, 2004).  I am not particularly happy about this development, because this is the country where I happen to get drunk a lot.  As to your point about the Bush years being over, they most certainly are not.  I’m stunned that this man is still making decisions (if you can call them that).  He just appointed a man who pissed away more money on this ‘bailout plan’ than, well…than Bush himself did in the seventies.  Let’s be clear, Barak Obama only has about a fifteen percent chance of limping this country along, but in the immortal words of Leslie Neilson, “There’s only about a ten percent chance of that.”

Mawiage, Mawiage, that Dweam Within a Dweam
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I live in one of the three hundred cities that protested the November 15th passing of Proposition 8.  I witnessed hundreds of people spouting spiritual slogans about ‘loving others’ and caring for their ‘life partners’, awful hate-mongering ideas.  Bright rainbowy colors bounced off an army of poster board like flowery daggers of doom.  Cruising by, I felt anger well-up in the pit of my stomach for these caring thoughtful protestors.  Where were the smoke bombs, the riot gear, or the people being bodily dragged into paddywagons?  Are these people puftas or something?

Spiral Dynamics and American Politics
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I do not write this column as a proud defeatocrat, as an anti-American conspiracy theorist, or even as a terminal glass-half-emptier…I’m just calling it as I sees’ it, folks.  The next president will have one hell of a time turning the ship around: we, as a country, have hit the iceberg and are taking on water.  America is at that point in The Poseidon Adventure at which we can follow either Red Buttons’ character to the stern of the ship or Gene Hackman’s to the bow.  You might be asking yourself, ‘Weren’t the folks who followed Gene Hackman rescued at the end?’  You’re not getting it…I’m casting America in the role of Shelley Winters.

My Flip Flop Reversal
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Wearing flip flops and a sweat shirt, I flip-flop through the channels as all these political analysts flip-flop on who flipped and flopped more. I flop in front of my computer and flip it on. My online search of ‘flip flop’ from the Marian Webster’s dictionary turned up...

Objective Blame vs. Qualitative Responsibility: The Blamesylvania Rebuttal
By Pokey McDooris

Mick Zano consistently expresses keen political insights. He was the first person I know who publicly opposed the Iraq War.  His bra burning rally during ‘Shock and Awe’ day was…er…uplifting.  He has spotted many of the Bush Administrations corrupt policies and flawed strategeries. However, I am still prepared to demonstrate that Mick’s obsession with the Bush Administration stems from his repressed and sublimated fetish for underage chia pets.

Today’s Worst Liberal in the World
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Next up on our integral media roundup is none other than MSNBC’s falling star, Keith Olbermann. Two years ago, he would have fared much better.  To his credit, he exposed the Bush administration’s incompetence in painstakingly accurate detail.  Others in the media treaded lightly while W was treading on We the People.  Olbermann was one of the few who took notice and subsequently barked the loudest.  Some of his “special comments” were awe-inspiring.  He had true Edward R. Murrow moments (ERMM), and even his borrowed sign-off did not tarnish the core truth of his attacks.  He expressed what I felt, while the rest of the media was still tentative, cowardly, wrong, or licking Rupert Murdoch’s cock.

Obama’s Campaign for Change is Every Beggar’s Dream
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Beggars are fixing to retire after a series of Obama slogans that have earned them the biggest beggar-boom since Truman’s ‘The Buck Stops Here’.

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The Once and Future Nepotist
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Is our current democracy contaminated by nepotism?  While history is fraught with examples, historians consistently damn this dubious practice. When kings appoint their dimwitted sons instead of their most able men to lead them, the empire invariably quakes and crumbles like a fruit cobbler in a centrifuge.

Band of Klingons Ruin Local Civil War Reenactment
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In hindsight, the decision to host a Star Trek convention at the Gettysburg Inn on the same day as a civil war reenactment was a mistake,” admits hotel manager Sam Watkins. “Tragically, we discovered that fake muskets are no match for the bat’leth.”

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Hurricane Kills 7, Harasses 3, Before Downgrading to Tropical Storm in an Effort to Elude Police

Forming in a seedy section of the North Atlantic, Hurricane Mel has churned up a devilish trail in his wake. "He got hooked on thermals and warm ocean water, he's been spinning out of control ever since," explains his mother, Hurricane Edna.  Mel’s meteorological mother admits to her own sordid past which includes a long string of tidal surges, heavy winds, and prostitution (mostly blow jobs).  Apparently, the apple did not fall far from the uprooted tree.

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Palin Faces Ethics Panel
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In a potential scandal, Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin recently tried getting her former brother-in-law fired from the state police. She will soon face an Alaskan ethics panel to determine if she abused her powers. We at the Discord believe the interrogation should be led by Michael Palin of Monty Python fame. She should face both the rack and/or the comfy chair…because ‘nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.’

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Restore Habeas Corpus: Then Explain It to Me
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Why is the recent Habeas Corpus Supreme Court decision so important? The writ of Habeas Corpus is the cornerstone of the Bill of Rights. Habeas Corpus is the right of any individual unlawfully placed in detention to receive legal council, a fair hearing, or Circus Peanuts.
On the Road: Off the Track?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Who were these Beatniks, exactly, and what legacy did they leave behind? This article is an attempt to clear up Pokey’s ramblings - in a fuzzy-muddled, hallucinogenic, toad-licking kind of way. History is fraught with such movements that attack societal conformity, but why exactly do such movements feel the need to fly so far from the establishment’s coop? Before we delve into the Beat movement, let’s take a moment to explore the life of the Beat generation’s reigning eschatological poster-child, Jack Kerouac-ac-ac-ac-ac, you outta know by now.
Viagra Warns: Number of Uncontrollable Erections Set to Rise

Viagra spokesperson, Dale 'Stiffy' O'Tool, admits that priapism, an erection that could last for upwards of fourteen hours, is going to be an even bigger problem in the future. "Conducting laboratory studies on this subject has been touchy," admits O'Tool, "but not in a good way."

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Discord Business Model Switching to "All Cats and Babies"
Discord Business Model Switching to "All Cats and Babies," Zano's cat pressured into five year contract for toys and cat nip
Zano's cat pressured into five year contract for toys and cat nip
 
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Kim Jong Un a No Show for Discord Beer Trek Competition
Kim Jong Un a No Show for Discord Beer Trek Competition
 
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Discord Get Out the Vote Efforts Questioned
Discord Get out the Vote Efforts Questioned
 
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Once More Unto the Embassy Breach, Dear Friends
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Pokey, I’m brainwashed? I understand Obama’s Muslim strategy and I commend it. In fact, I suggested it years ago...to you. Our more savvy administrations will forever attempt to separate radical Muslims from those moderates as conflating the two would prove catastrophic. This is some of the Benghazi nuance you are calling a scandal. I call it don’t taunt Happy Fun Ball (SNL 1991). Obama will strike what needs striking but will, more importantly, support and foster any and all moderate Muslim voices that might emerge from this Middle East shit-show. He may well back some to a fault. [Sheikh Abdallah Bin Bayyah joke beheaded by the editor.]

Obama Deploys "Special Ebola Task Force" to Dallas
Obama Deploys "Special Ebola Task Force" to Dallas
 
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Rise of the Radical Republican?  Boehner Inaction Figure Sold Separately
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Despite the recent successes of some moderate republican candidates, I don’t believe it accurately reflects the larger political trend. The GOP will likely track further right and within a decade we will start hearing the words "radicalized republicans." Bozo Haram? I know, I know, it’s like the time I commissioned a bust from that OCD sculptor, I’m getting a head of myself, again.

Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I thought I understood the Obama Doctrine, until now. More disturbing than the prospects of Iraq Part Deux is this: a recent poll indicates Americans would prefer a return to a Bush-style Doctrine, here. If this is true, do you remember Bill Paxton’s character from Aliens? Game over, man!

Draco Malfoy to Head Next Benghazi Witch Hunt
Draco Malfoy to Head Next Benghazi Witch Hunt, Witness claims not all documents handed over to 9th committee. 10 points for Slytherin!
Witness claims not all documents handed over to 9th committee. 10 points for Slytherin!
 
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Bigfoot Exonerated for Ripper Deaths!
Bigfoot Exonerated for Ripper Deaths! Scotland Yard: "And he's pissed"
Scotland Yard: "And he's pissed"
 
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In Show of Strength Obama Hoists Severed Head of Boehner on Meet the Press
In Show of Strength Obama Hoists Severed Head of Boehner on Meet the Press, And, yes, Boehner was crying
And, yes, Boehner was crying
 
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Bands of Angry Displaced Cactus Roaming the Streets
Bands of Angry Displaced Cactus Roaming the Streets, The only basement in Phoenix floods!
The only basement in Phoenix floods!
 
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Is She No Better Than a Republican?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I hate to pile on the Clinton Administration before it even gets out of the Benghazi-gate, but Hillary is either as clueless as the rest of the chicken-hawk republicans or she’s pandering to a parallel universe in hopes of some votes.  Either way she’s losing me and ‘so goes the Zano so goes the election’. Okay, no one says that.

Dalai Discord Recruits Lama!
Dalai Discord Recruits Lama! In related news, Dalai Lama's Wisdom Questioned
In related news, Dalai Lama's Wisdom Questioned
 
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Prescott’s Haunted Hotel St. Michael: Oops, Ghost Found
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This is going to sound really stupid, but a ghost messed up my whole spoof ghost investigation. You see, the operative word is ‘spoof’. I have a bad reputation to uphold. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I have an understanding with the supernatural; it leaves me alone and I leave it alone. I hang out in haunted places, hear some cool ghost stories, do some sightseeing and then make a bunch of shit up for this blog. You’ve read the stories. So whatever the hell was messing with me at the Hotel St. Michael, kindly get an afterlife! Click full story for ghostly images.

Rand's Brand Banned in Fox Land
Rand's Brand Banned in Fox Land
 
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Putting the 'Fun' Back Into Fundamentalism
Putting the 'Fun' Back into Fundamentalism
 
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Obama Asks Bush About That Mission Accomplished Banner
Obama asks Bush About that Mission Accomplished Banner
 
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Homer's Touching Tribute to Robin Williams
Homer's Touching Tribute to Robin Williams, Followed by Groening/Discord Lawsuit
Followed by Groening/Discord Lawsuit
 
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Christie Warns: "I Will Shoot the Next Reporter Who Mentions Bridgegate in the Face"
Christie Warns: "I will Shoot the Next Reporter who Mentions Bridgegate in the Face," Breaking: Christie Shoots Reporter in Face
Breaking: Christie Shoots Reporter in Face
 
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Gaza Psychologist Just Doing End of Life Therapy
Gaza Psychologist Just Doing End of Life Therapy
 
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Homer Simpson: the Most Interesting Meme in the World
Homer Simpson: The Most Interesting Meme in the World
 
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Bloom Vs Bieber: High Elf Vs Low Life
Bloom Vs Bieber: High Elf Vs Low Life
 
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Discord Interpretation of Recent News Headline Questioned
Discord Interpretation of Recent News Headline Questioned
 
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Local Teen Sleuths Solve Casey Case-um
Local Teen Sleuths Solve Casey Case-um, And he would have gotten away with it to, if it hadn’t been…well, you get the idea.
And he would have gotten away with it to, if it hadn’t been…well, you get the idea.
 
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Russia Standing by 10-Minute Rocket Launcher Tutorial for Rebels
Russia Standing by 10-Minute Rocket Launcher Tutorial for Rebels, "There’s only a few buttons. What’s the worst that could happen?”<br />—Vladimir Putin
"There’s only a few buttons. What’s the worst that could happen?”
—Vladimir Putin
 
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Impeachment: You're Doing It Wrong
Impeachment: You're Doing it Wrong
 
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This Just in From Crank Headquarters
This Just in From Crank Headquarters
 
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Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire
Women Will Eventually Rule: Zano Interpretation of the Ukraine Ceasefire,
France left out on purpose.See full feature here.
 
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What Were Republicans, Daddy?
What were Republicans, Daddy?
 
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The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About His Apprentice
The Day Obi-Wan Really Started to Worry About his Apprentice
 
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Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe
Stewart Destroys Discord in Daily Show Diatribe, “We stand by our reporting on the rise of the Walmart Midgets and the Dancing Hipster Menace,” Pierce Winslow CEO
"We stand by our reporting on the rise of the Walmart Midgets and the Dancing Hipster Menace,” Pierce Winslow CEO
 
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Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count This High in Roman Numerals
Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count this High in Roman Numerals

Philadelphia, PA—Since the inception of The Daily Discord our apology posts have managed to stay behind the number of total Super Bowls, thus our ability to figure out the applicable Roman numerals. Today, however, we find ourselves sadly heading into unchartered mathematical waters (UMW). I don’t even know what the C means in Roman numerals, but here we are. Time and time again our problems start and end with Mr. Mick Zano and his endless journalistic transgressions. His barrage of lawsuit-magnet yuck yucks arrive in each of his submissions like clockwork. If only his submissions themselves could arrive with such consistency and timeliness.

It is getting so bad that I sometimes even think back fondly to the days of The Ghetto Shaman. Speaking of the devil, when he is released from the Lycoming County Prison, he plans to resume his weekly column. Oh, and in related news, the Shaman’s legendary self-help book The Tao of Skullfucking is already outperforming Hillary Clinton’s autobiography Hard Choices. Okay, so neither are actually selling on Amazon, but that does kind of make them equal.

Anyway, onward with the unfortunate retractions at hand...

Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D?
Battle of Biden Hill: Poor Poor Pitiful D? Or, hard choice to keep promising…
Or, hard choice to keep promising…
 
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Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition, The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
 
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Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia?
Guy Named Francis Excommunicates Mafia? Mafia responds by cutting off all locatelli cheese supplies to Vatican City
Mafia responds by cutting off all locatelli cheese supplies to Vatican City
 
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GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House
GOP Unveils New Plan to Take Back White House, Bullshit! Cruz riding bareback?
Bullshit! Cruz riding bareback?
 
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Discord Standing by Their Controversial Kasem Coverage
Discord Standing by Their Controversial Kasem Coverage, What, too soon?
What, too soon?
 
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David and GOPliath?
David and GOPliath? Cantor now eligible for Obamacare
Cantor now eligible for Obamacare
 
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Alternate Timeline: Fox Ramps up Ridicule Over Failure to Rescue Bergdahl
Alternate Timeline: Fox Ramps Up Ridicule over Failure to Rescue Bergdahl, Scienctists estimate that at any one time Republicans can be wrong on the same issue in up to seven dimensions
Scienctists estimate that at any one time Republicans can be wrong on the same issue in up to seven dimensions
 
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Obama Visits Last Operational 80s Video Store
Obama Visits Last Operational 80s Video Store, Witnesses claim he rented all of the Toxic Avenger movies.
Witnesses claim he rented all of the Toxic Avenger movies.
 
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Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
Where Climate Change is likely to Hit the Hardest, Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
 
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The GOP: You’re All Glenn Beck Now
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas the list of Obama created scandals are exaggerated or biased (see: Benghazi), the list of atrocities perpetrated by republicans remain profoundly disturbing (see: climate change denial). It’s profound enough for me to use an adverb, against my better judgment. Most posts go against my better judgment...fine, I don’t have a better judgment. But do you remember when only Glenn Beck was crazy and the rest of the GOP had some sense of perspective and reason? Yeah, me neither.

Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs
Obama to Begin "Tough" Action on Head of Veterans Affairs, Will Shinseki face the comfy chair?
Will Shinseki face the comfy chair?
 
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GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard
 
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Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum
Obama Visits Leesburg Lunch Pail Museum,
Next stop: the largest ball of twine in Darwin, MN.
 
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Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad
Fox News Finally Charted by the Combined Efforts of Captain Nemo and Sinbad, Climate change isn’t a problem if you’re lucky enough to live south of Narnia and north of Whoville
Climate change isn’t a problem if you’re lucky enough to live south of Narnia and north of Whoville
 
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Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi
Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi

Washington—Acting on orders from Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), Bigfoot was dragged out of his cave, deep within the forests of the American Northwest, and placed in front of an Issa-created congressional subcommittee (ICCS). Bigfoot was then subjected to over three hours of grueling questioning about his involvement in the 2012 embassy attack in Benghazi. Bigfoot grunted and growled his objections before finally being brought down by several tranquilizer darts.

Congressman Issa stands by his decision to subpoena the 650 pound cryptid, whose answers shed no further light on the events in Libya of September 11, 2012.

Issa told critics, "To the best of my knowledge Bigfoot was never questioned about Benghazi before this hearing."

Others question Issa’s knowledge, best or otherwise, and claim this is nothing more than a witch hunt.

"Nonsense, this is not a witch hunt," said Issa. "We’re doing that next week when we haul that White bitch from Narnia into court."

Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
 
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Upgrade for Fortune Cookies Now Available
Upgrade for Fortune Cookies Now Available
 
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Dear Fox News: Your Obamacare Lies Are Working!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So the alternate reality on the right is poised to win a huge victory in the midterms. All the battleground states for the senate race happen to be in those few areas where Obamacare isn’t working. Sooooo, break systems, cost lives, create your own reality and get rewarded! ...not so fast. Let’s not forget the GOP is tearing itself apart. It hasn’t had a common message that made sense since Just Say No...wait, I’m being told that didn’t make sense.

Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
Artist Rendition of Hillary's 2020 Presidential Run
 
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Atheism: It’s What’s for Last Supper
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So how does a guy deeply interested in spirituality end up championing the coming Age of Atheism? Oh, it’s easy, especially when you’re a spoof news "journalist". But, before we get started, excuse me while a sacrifice this goat on this pentagram. Pokey, you are that goat.

Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him
Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him, You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
 
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Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
By Mick Zano
Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find Where They Left Their Car Keys
New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find where they Left their Car Keys, The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
 
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Support From Superheroes for This Site Waning
Support from Superheroes for this Site Waning
 
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Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
 
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Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
 
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Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

The Manchurian Gutter Ball
By Pokey McDooris

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack...and he bowled a 77?

Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was "fact-light". I know, I know...you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: The Plot Stiffens
 
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Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day
Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day, "Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
"Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
 
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How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whereas I do criticize our 44th President, the ideologically-challenged always seem to boggart such endeavors, i.e., Obama really blew it on...wait, did Boehner just say "We’ve done our work"? Or, I’m angry with Holder because...did Paul Ryan just say "I’m not preaching austerity"? For this post I will set aside my own biases as to remain focused on—OMG! Krystol just said "Obama is dangerous and delusional!" Mr. Never-ever-right? Really?

Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives
Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives, With our $50 "Gold" Membership you get a personalized Tweet
With our $50 "Gold" Membership you get a personalized Tweet
 
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Investigation Uncovers Problem With Sochi Opening Ceremony
Investigation Uncovers Problem with Sochi Opening Ceremony
 
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Star Trek V Space Case
Star Trek V Space Case
 
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Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Don’t fret about this veto thing. Look, the words Christian conscience should not be an oxymoron. Gays would be happy to go to your hell but the Pope just admitted it’s fictional. Of course, he may reconsider his position if he ever visits Mesa. As for eternal damnation for the gays, how about we just take a brimstone check?