In 1947, the board of directors of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists at the University of Chicago first published the Doomsday Clock.  It reflected the potential for catastrophic destruction of human kind (initially from nuclear annihilation and eventually from Daily Discord articles).

As I watch my kids grow, I am often amazed at some of the things we, as a society, choose to teach our youngsters. No, I’m not just talking about The Ghetto Shaman’s column, at least this time.  But what are some of these children’s book authors smoking?  This post is a must-read if you are a parent.  Come on, people, has the Discord ever let you down before?  That was a rhetorical question.

The Iranian State news organization Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) concluded that Iranian nuclear scientist Shahram Amiri committed suicide last month in Tehran by impaling himself on a light pole while handcuffed.

To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article.  I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano).  This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant.  I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.

This week a big breakthrough occurred at the Scientific Homologation, Institution, and Technologies conference in Amsterdam. Attendees have simplified the diverse, often contradicting lexicon of science by integrating all known scientific units into a single measurement system that is more encompassing than the metric system, and far less complicated than the standard system. This new system, known officially as the Integrated Dichotomous Infrastructure or Omniscient Treatise System, depending on which table of scientists you are talking to, has revolutionized the scientific community and has incredible and substantial application to every day life. 

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know.

In 1999 an outbreak of disease previously unknown to North America was identified in New York—the West Nile Virus.  You may have since heard of it.  In 2001, the anthrax attacks on the U.S. utilized a pure (or even weaponized) form of the bacterium that many experts agree could have only been manufactured under tight laboratory conditions at an expense only possible in a state-sponsored program (as opposed to Bin Laden’s cave-sponsored programs).  In 2004, an outbreak of a potentially pandemic viral disease appeared in China before achieving a high fatality rate around the globe (not related to their food industry prowess).

It’s been 40 years since Apollo 11 and 37 years since Apollo 17, and, perhaps more importantly, 15 years since Ron Howard’s movie Apollo 13.  One would think we’d have made significant advancements in spaceflight since Apollo 17, the last manned space-flight to the moon.  You would also think Ron Howard would have a sequel by now.  The Wright Brothers’ first flight occurred in 1903, and just about 40 years later (1947), Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier in a rocket-powered aircraft.  Why haven’t we made any advancements in super-orbital space flight in the last four decades?  Because the manned moon landings never happened…  And now we have proof!

It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness.  The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege.  As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again.  What’s next?  Take the nukka out of Hanukkah?  Take the Ramada out of Ramadan?  The zaa out of Kwanzaa?  Take the birth out of Birthday?  The Bud out of Buddha?  Wait, scratch that last one. 

Despite some setbacks, The Daily Discord is proud to announce the grand opening of the Earth is Flat Museum—ironically located in the hills of Kentucky (in the alley behind Ed’s Wok, next to the Dumpster, across from The Creation Museum).  The museum’s curator, Lloyd "Bubba" Hickenson, had hoped the opening ceremony would be led by Thomas Friedman, but the award winning New York Times’ columnist insists his version of a ‘flat world’ is metaphorical only. 

An AC 360 segment on CNN all but proved something truly sinister.  Their recent study indicates that American children are impacted at very early ages by a society built upon subliminal, insidious racism against dark skinned cartoon children.  A follow up study conducted by 36-DD here at the Daily Discord has shown the impacts are even more far reaching than originally believed.

My two toddlers were watching Sesame Street the other day.  I’m just happy when they stop playing Resident Evil. So I decided to sit down and watch one of my favorite childhood shows with them.  First off, I am first generation Sesame Street watcher, so I figured it would be some good family time.  Besides, I always try to put on a good facade when the social workers are "visiting."

A mysterious hand from the future has once again stymied the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, conveniently located on the border of SwitzerFrance.  Well, perhaps it’s not the hand of the future, but the large intestine of the future.  LHC scientists reported start-up of the LHC has, once again, been delayed as a result of unforeseen circumstances.  A year and a half ago it was a mysterious electrical failure, a few months ago it was a baguette-carrying bird.  Now, it seems, refried beans are the culprit.

One contributor asked about the Discord’s submission and editing process, and no it wasn’t Pokey McDorkis.  He still doesn’t have internet access, or a clue.   L. Wolfe asked me, why hasn’t my article (sent to Mick Zano six months ago) been posted yet?  I explained to Mr. Wolfe, in true Discord fashion, the way an article makes it all the way from host to post. 

Al Gore and the environmental stewards of the world have been pushing us to stop burning fossil fuels before we all shrivel under Venus-like greenhouse effects into tiny crispy-critter char-balls (CCCBs).  OK, Alfonso, we all agree something needs to be done.  We all want to reduce our carbon footprint, although maybe in the U.S. “carbon ass-print” is more like it. One option, which I have written about previously here at the Discord, is wind energy.  Certainly breaking wind makes us all feel better.  But, solar energy is another option recently championed by the green meanies.

The French and Swiss governments unveiled a new weapon of mass destruction costing in excess of nine billion dollars. This weapon, the most terrible and destructive force ever conceived by man, will soon swallow the Earth in a man-made black hole. Those of the mind that France is already a stinking black hole will not be entirely surprised by this development.

PETA has argued for years people should boycott meat, especially beef, because of the widespread inhumane treatment of the cattle.  These animals are allegedly caged or housed in overcrowded, dirty holding pens for their entire lives, much like Discord staffers.  I recently interviewed Angus Fleischflanker of Beef.org regarding allegations made by PETA.  The following is an actual transcript from that actual interview that actually happened sometime in the actual past.

The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site.   Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine.  Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well.  But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht).  Oh come on!  Edit that out, Winslow.  Damn you!

Jupiter has recently lost its south equatorial belt after just 5 months on the new "South Belt Diet" (SBD).  Experts report that Jupiter has lost over 330,000 km of belt in just over 140 days (that’s over 5.2 billion belt holes to you and me!).

The Earth’s North Magnetic Pole has been guiding navigation for well over a thousand years. Some of the earliest known maps depicting the approximate location of the Earth’s northern pole placed it just off modern day Murmansk. Not to be confused with singer/actress Ethel Mermansk. The exact location of the pole was first discovered by James Clark Ross in 1831 at Cape Adelaide on the Boothia Peninsula in Northern Canada (while playing hockey naked).

Washington, DC - In June, the Obama Administration released information on the new cardiology healthcare insurance for all Americans.  Additional assurance/quality control reviews, however, reveal that this insurance is only available to Americans with more than one functional heart. 

The origins of clinical neuropsychology are rooted in efforts to address the effects of head injuries sustained by soldiers during World War II.  Neuroscientists prefer to study brains when they are not functioning properly, Abbey Normal, if you will.  In other words, why wait for the next world war?  There is a wealth of knowledge studying Bush and his minions, right here, right now (Jesus Jones, 1990).  Bush can, and should, be studied in every psych 101 class.  He is the quintessential example of almost every brand of tortured logic.  Robert A. Burton, MD has recently spent a great deal of time studying the neural underpinnings of knowing, and what he discovered, much like Pokey’s fascination with the Shit Goblins, is both intriguing and frightening.  Dr. Burton looked into how we know what we know, and his answer is surprising (he doesn’t know).

People are breaking wind in a big way these days.  Wind breaking for energy means big bucks.  Some analysts estimate $20,000 per back acre a year in royalties (if you can convince your neighbors to put up with the unpleasantries).  Beyond that, you can rent portions of your back acreage to others, allowing them to break wind as well, and substantially increase your earnings.

The global computer model supports the notion of an array of “natural” factors contributing to climate change, such as solar fluctuations, fluctuations in the earth’s magnetic field, fluctuations in volcanic activity, and flatulations in a little understood process of planetary gas emissions known as Earth Fart (www.ProjectEarthFart.org). For more on this subject see my beer-reviewed journal article entitled Earth, Earth, the Magical Fruit.