| New Technology Lets Blind See Porn |
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| By Erisa Brahe |
We stand on the cusp of a new era where man and machine will finally merge, creating an ultimate hive mind that does nothing but stare at cute cat pictures on the internet. While hover boards, flying cars, and moon bases seem distant dreams, there is something to be said for having a device that fits in your pocket and brings you porn on demand.
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| Pope Seeks Retirement Advice from Emperor Palpatine |
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| By Erisa Brahe |
Vatican City–The Return to the Papal Side. On Monday, February 11th, Pope Benedict XVI looked out his window, saw his shadow, and promptly announced there would only be two more weeks of his papacy. As the Pope scurried back into his chambers, many were left plagued with questions. The job of being Pope is a lifetime commitment much like owning a pet, serving as a Supreme Court Justice...or, as I have come to discover, certain Discord internships.
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| Dino Farts the Cause of Prehistoric Global Warming? |
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| By Erisa Brahe |
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Late Jurassic Period, Earth – I am standing here in the middle of a Mesozoic marsh where I have sunk the Discord’s company Delorean past the fenders. As I wait for a creepy green puppet to appear and pull my car out of the mud with his mind, I figured I should report this story—a story I broke the boundaries of time and space to tell. There is evidence Global Warming happened in the prehistoric past, but the facts stink!
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| Russian Prehistoric Lake Drilling Unleashes Zombie Plague! |
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| By Erisa Brahe |
Antarctica–Early February, after twenty years of drilling through thousands of feet of Antarctic ice, the Russians finally reached Lake Vostok. Sadly, being February, most of the researchers died the next night of exposure after their celebratory baby whale roast. Vostok, a fresh water lake sealed off from the Antarctic surface since the early Miocene epoch, has been the source of much speculation. It has attracted the attention of mad scientists, neo Nazis, tinfoil-wearing alien hunters, and even mad-Nazi-tinfoil-wearing Discord reporters.
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| Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak |
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Antarctica—Shortly after the discovery of a new bacteria in an ancient lake buried miles in the ice, all contact was lost with the Vostok Research Facility. The Russian facility, located on the Antarctic ice sheet, had managed to drill through nearly two miles of sub glacial ice before inadvertently releasing an unknown bacteria into the air. It is described as a flesh eating bacteria, but those infected apparently do all the eating.
Russian President Vladimir Putin remains adamant this not a zombie outbreak. "Those exposed essentially die and are immediately resurrected with an insatiable craving to feed, but we have the situation contained," said Putin, who is denying allegations he has turned the area into his own Wildlife Preserve and Zombie Hunting Range.
Russian officials also claim the last picture received from the facility (depicted above) was a bit of a false alarm. "The scientists were simply watching John Carpenter’s The Thing on Netflix," said Putin. "In the image prior the scientists were drinking vodka and eating popcorn. But stay tuned as I will be sending back shirtless images of myself shooting zombies from my bobsled."
In a rare form of journalistic clairvoyance, The Discord’s own Erisa Brahe already predicted such an outbreak at that precise location here. CEO Pierce Winslow said, "This is not the first time we’ve been out in front of the news. Although usually we’re behind the news, Deliverance style."
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| Guess The Pope’s Final Tweet for Cash Prizes! |
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Vatican City—In conjunction with God, the Daily Discord is offering cash, cars, and sexual favors (missionary style only) for the person who comes the closest to guessing the upcoming last tweet of his Holiness the Pope. Pope Benedict the whatshisface is bowing down and this time with no ill intentions toward children. He is planning his farewell tweet on February 28th, but here are the rules. The Discord staff gets to go first, which can be translated roughly as the rest of you don’t stand a chance, or in Latin, "Vos autem nolite stare liceator!" If you still want to play, just submit your Pope tweet by hitting our contact button or this groovy hyperlink here. Oh, and did we mention all submissions must be in Latin?
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Pierce X. Winslow
@PierceWinslow |
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Cum Sinite parvulos ad me. Oh, dixi quod ex magna? (Suffer the little children to cum on me. Oh, did I say that out loud?)
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9:26 AM - 22 Feb 13
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14 Retweets 9 Favorites
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Mick Zano
@mzzano |
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Iam operor ego adepto keys ut Pope Mobile? (Now do I get the keys to the Pope Mobile?)
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9:32 AM - 22 Feb 13
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0 Retweets 0 Favorites
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Erisa Brahe
@erisaBrahe |
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Quamdiu omnibus gratias ichthys! (So long, and thanks for all the Jesus fish.)
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9:48 AM - 22 Feb 13
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5 Retweets 3 Favorites
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The Crank
@theCrank |
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Ego teneo tamen haud one....NO UNUS pulsatus leviculus hat! (I know I’m stepping down, but no one....NO ONE touches the silly hat!)
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9:55 AM - 22 Feb 13
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7 Retweets 2 Favorites
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The Ghetto Shaman
@ghettoShaman |
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Videre vos post, Bitches! Viva las Vegas! (See you later, Bitches! I'm going to Vegas.)
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10:03 AM - 22 Feb 13
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6548 Retweets 2569 Favorites
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Sandra Day O'Connor
@sandyOConnor |
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That was a lifetime appointment! Quitter! (Sorry, Sandra, Latin submissions only)
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10:20 AM - 22 Feb 13
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10 Retweets 6 Favorites
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| Cannibals Offended by the Name Zombie |
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| By Erisa Brahe |
USA – There are many reports of bizarre and carnivorous crimes sweeping the country, from a nude Miami-man gnawing on his victim’s face, to a New Jersey man wielding his own intestines as a weapon against police, to a local Shaman doing inappropriate things to people’s skulls.
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