Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
November 22, 2014
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS • TOP LIBERALS STRESS DIPLOMACY WHEN NEGOTIATING WITH EBOLA VIRUS •
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Dick Cheyney: In My Pants
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Discord CEO Moves All Reporters Into a 1957 Winnebago
By Alex Bone
Discord CEO Moves All Reporters into a 1957 Winnebago
Alex Bone

Rest Area outside of Bullhead City—In an effort to cut expenses and help fund his second home in Bermuda, CEO Pierce Winslow has moved the entire Discord reporting staff into the old Winnebago his grandmother left him. No less than a dozen reporters, six children, eight significant others, eleven cats, four dogs, twenty-six snakes, a full bar with keggerator, an eight-foot statue of Yig and seventeen cubic-feet of crawdad traps will be living and working from a space roughly the size of Winslow’s guest’s guest bathroom.

Flagstaff’s McMillan Pub: the Good, the Bad, and the Zano
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This is a review of a place I already love, but don’t get too excited—that usually means I ask for a set of keys, drink all your beer and then throw an endless house warming party for myself. This pub already evokes both a resounding Hear! Hear!, as well as a simultaneous what the hell were you people thinking! I am either off my bipolar meds again, or watching Colbert’s "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger." Stay tuned for a glorious rant, done out of love.

Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots
Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord field reporter Cokie McGrath has interviewed a homeless person who believes he is the first human to have met a new race of alien Bigfoots. He believes society is in grave danger and that he alone holds the key to fend off Parmageddon. Yes, he said Parmageddon, because he believes the aliens are after our Italian cheeses. The man agreed to release his full name, Jesus Christ, during an exclusive Discord interview.

The gentleman agreed to answer three of Cokie’s questions, per 40-oz malt liquor product. We did not receive any of the emergency funds supposedly wired to us via our CEO, Pierce Winslow, for this purpose, so we were only able to scrounge up enough cash to get three questions answered. The first question was unfortunately wasted by asking the man if he wanted St. Ides or Schlitz, but Cokie’s second question is why she remains at the top of her game.

He replied, "No, I have my own brown bag."

Yes, this was going badly.  But the third question would forever change team Search Truth Quest’s understanding of cryptid primates, alien abductions, as well as Flagstaff’s strict open container laws.

Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous
Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous

U.S.A.—America is under siege and not in a Steven Siegel, action-packed kind of way. Nineteen states—five more than the original 13-colonies, six more if you know math—have now opted to support marriage equality. Many among the Rainbow Jihad (RJ) are terrorizing Tea Party Facebook Meetup groups across this great nation. They are harassing real Americans with signs like: Don’t Tread on Moi and You Do Know what Teabagging Means, Right?

Emboldened by their recent state-by-state marriage equality victories (MEV), the Dyke Dominion, the Fabulous Fashion Fighters, the Trans-Gender-Formers have declared their desire to create a new gay nation that will one day stretch all the way down Route-69 from Greenwich Village to Haight-Ashbury.

"This is all part of our Tranifest Destiny," said one protestor, holding a sign that read, Pink is the New Red State. When asked what he thought was the impetus behind this movement, he said, "You’re thinking of republicans, we’re not impetus."

Another protestor said, "The anonymous leader of our movement, the CaliFab or something, is divinely chosen by The Queen, Elton John, who will rally the lost Gay Villages of Boystown to smite the social oppressor and yada yada...there had just better be fucking drink specials, is all I’m saying."

Our own field reporter on the scene, Cokie McGrath, had this to say, "She’s kind of cute."

New Theory of T-Rex Anatomy Emerges
New Theory of T-Rex Anatomy Emerges

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Buffalo Wings, has posited an entirely new theory regarding the anatomical structure of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dr. Hogbein believes these impressive creatures still roam the Earth, "every time I mix salvia and happy hour well-drinks."

The image (above) was originally sent to the Paleontological Institute in Ithaca, NY, after being scrawled across a bar coaster from nearby Ithaca Brewing Company. World renowned T-Rexpert, Dr. Robert Bakker, did not return our calls so we contacted the actor who played the paleontologist in those Jurassic Park films. And now we have another restraining order.

Despite a wave of mounting ridicule, Dr. Hogbein is not backing off his theory. "I know what I saw after last call in Ithaca, in that alley, after ingesting massive quantities of illict substances. And if I ever see that grungy shit show of a homeless person, I promise to [CENSORED]."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "I love Ithaca Brewing Company! I even wore one of their T-shirts during our last news bulletin. What was the question again?"

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Local Forty-Six Year Old Decides to Finally Take Down Farrah Poster
Local Forty-Six Year Old Decides to Finally Take Down Farrah Poster

Marion, OH—Joshua Linskey admitted to our own Cokie McGrath that his decision to take down the poster wasn’t an easy one. The Farrah Fawcett poster holds considerable nostalgia for Mr. Linskey, a nostalgia reaching clear back to his first masturbatory experiences.  Despite the impact of the emotionally charged event, the Ohio man tried to maintain his sense of humor.

"I guess sometimes it’s time to say Farah-well."

Before taking down the poster, he asked to be alone for a moment—a moment that took about ten unsettling minutes.  Then, with great care, he removed the poster in the presence of our own Cokie McGrath, who may opt to sue Mr. Winslow for his insistence she cover this story. Linskey denied allegations the poster, hanging in his room since 1978, had any impact on his inability to date.

"No, it’s probably just my grating personality, or, then again, it could be the Styx poster next to it." The Styx poster is slated to come down in the spring of 2014.

When asked what he does with the posters once they are down, Linksey replied, "You don’t want to know."

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Drone Strike Operator’s "Must Target In-laws" Manifesto Ignored
Drone Strike Operator’s "Must Target In-laws" Manifesto Ignored

Canton, OH—When a drone ended up over 1,700 miles off course and in the laps of Fred and Margret Montaigne, the Pentagon called it a "major malfunction." New facts have emerged that the exploded couple were the in-laws of the same drone operator, Major Gary Horowitz.

"I don’t think that’s a coincidence," said the Discord’s field reporter, Cokie McGrath. "A coincidence is when Bone and Zano get thrown out of the same bar, the same night, for different reasons. This is suspicious."

Army psychiatrist Dr. Sterling Hogbein admits Horowitz’s behaviors during the days and weeks preceding the incident were odd. "He would scribble Must Drone In-Laws Nicholson-Shining-style for hours on end," said Dr. Hogbein. "And each time I’d show him an inkblot, he’d say, ‘It looks like a drone targeting my in-laws. I am a drone operator, you know. This is a cry for help.’ Anyway, I don’t know how anyone could expect me to connect those dots."

When pressed further, Dr. Hogbein became defensive, "Look, no one could have seen this coming, except maybe the Montaigne’s, of course, from about mile out."

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Huge Stone Egg Discovered Under Notre-Dame Gargoyle
Huge Stone Egg Discovered Under Notre-Dame Gargoyle

Paris, FR—Yesterday an unexpected oddity appeared amidst the gothic spires of France’s famous Notre-Dame Cathedral.  Night watchmen were stunned to find a seventy-five pound egg resting under the gargoyle that the guards affectionately call Le Pénis.  Notre Dame’s chief of security, Louis Etienne, a man the guards also affectionately called Le Pénis, informed the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, “This is either an elaborate hoax or a not so elaborate hoax.”  Cokie added, “Either way, we’ll know when it hatches.”

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Discord Faces Hostile Invertebrate Takeover
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Once upon a time companies and major corporations were only owned by humans, or their close cousins like The Discord staff. Not anymore. The Discord Tower has been purchased by the Crawdad Alliance. They plan to gut the structure and fill it with a murky swamp water, which according to staff, "Really shouldn’t be much different."

Ghost Busted: Team Discord Bested by Rank Amateur
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Whenever a major apparition is captured on film, you can bet the Discord’s Ghost Blunders are there...um, or at least sleeping down the hall. My daughter captured the best image to date with her iPhone, several feet from my bedroom. Did I mention I’m her inspiration for ghost hunting? Okay, she thinks I’m an idiot but, hey, I paid for the iPhone that took the image. So there. Click to see this truly creepy picture!

Holder Reveals Plan to End 2nd Amendment
Holder Reveals Plan to End 2<sup>nd</sup> Amendment

Washington, DC—Attorney General, Eric Holder, admitted today how Obama plans to end 2nd Amendment rights in this country forever." He later clarified, "The 2nd Amendment is the one about guns, right?"

 Barack Obama is fast becoming furious with his Attorney General as he "wanted this to be a surprise."

Holder said, "New York’s Mayor Bloomberg already initiated Phase 1 of the operation by banning large soda drinks. During Phase 2 he will ban all chewing gum because, let’s face it, kids stick that shit in all kinds of places they shouldn’t."

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath interrupted him at this point to thank him for that last sentence, which she explained could easily be taken out of context with hilarious consequences.

"Phase III, which arbitrarily changes to roman numerals, expands these bans nationwide," continued Holder. "For phase IV, which we haven’t decided whether or not will stay in roman numerals yet, will make it illegal to own gum of any kind. Once Phase IV is in the books we are only one pre-mediated typo away from taking everyone’s gun.  They won’t know what hit them. We’re calling it Operation Smith and Wrigley."

When asked about our founding fathers’ vision, Holder said, "They didn’t have good vision. They had those shitty little wire glasses. How could they have foreseen where kids would be sticking their gum these days, let alone our Phase 4? Besides, Republicans can’t spell. This is going to be like taking candy from a Bubba."

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Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse...tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?
Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?

Washington, DC—Research from the Virtual Viagra Group (VVG) indicates zombie and other monster-related-violence (OMRV) has reached an all time high. Studying over five hundred children, VVG discovered zombie abuse was highly prevalent amongst those children locked into their laboratories without food or water for many weeks. (Please don't call CPS.)

Many fear the professional-hit-style murders are becoming almost instinctual. Through a psychological mechanism known as imprinting, researchers fear the "zombie head shot" will become even more automatic for future generations.

"You've heard of the Three Fs, right?" said VVG's CEO Joy Gropstein. "Food, Fornicating, and Foosball? Well, humanity is changing through subtle DNA mutations. In essence, we are adding another F."

VVG is diligently trying to work the words "zombie head shot" into another F, but despite their surge in funding have yet to satisfactorily wordsmith in this new addition. Gropstein has not ruled out changing the letter outright, "We're thinking about the Three Ss: sustenance, sex, and shooting zombies. That's all we got, but whatever we end up calling it we need to understand how our trigger-happy children may mistakenly shoot an injured homeless person, or perhaps someone simply on bathsalts and devouring the face of a friend."

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, couldn't agree more, "Kids will shoot at zombie-like things first and ask questions later. Frankly, we don't know enough about zombie behavior to make sweeping judgments. Picture the zombie just trying to drag home a corpse for his family? Now what are those hungry little mouths supposed to do? A percentage of zombies may even be vegetarian, who could perhaps be employed to devour the weeds in our lawns and gardens. What about zombies who are limbless or so grossly decomposed that they pose no threat to society? Our murderous children are going to shoot them all in the head, indiscriminately!"

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Apocalypse Fail Leaves Discord Material-less
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21st turned out so lame. "We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris," said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. "It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality," said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, "The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit."

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. "The well is dry," said Winlsow. "We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah."

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, "It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp."

McGrath went on to explain, "Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year."

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Gun Used by Border Patrol Agent Government Issue
Gun Used by Border Patrol Agent Government Issue

Sierra Vista, AZ—Drug mule Manuel Garcia is dead, the drugs he was smuggling into the U.S. have been burned, and, perhaps even more disturbing, the weapon used to gun down Mr. Garcia was issued by the U.S. Government. Friends and neighbors describe Garcia as a competent drug runner, who was a good neighbor and family man, except during shootouts.

One neighbor claims shoot outs were rare. "He usually tried to keep any gun fights before 11PM. He was that kind of guy."

Attorney General Eric Holder said, "I don’t know how this could have happened, because I don’t know a lot of stuff about things, which is why I am so shocked every time I watch the news."

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath had this to say, "Every day we hand thousands of guns to people who continue to shoot at other people. Border agents, cops, even some glorified mall cops are packing serious heat. When is the madness going to stop? Besides, there were people counting on that methamphetamine. What are they supposed to do now, make it in their basement? Yeah, like that’s going make our neighborhoods safer."

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Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
By Mick Zano
Scooby Dooby Doo: The Case of the Haunted Brew
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—We heard through the grapevine some folks were having strange experiences at one of the local brewpubs...not the kind of experiences usually associated with half-priced drink specials. All kinds of spooky things were happening after hours at Flagstaff Brewing Company. Looks like the Ghost Blunders were going to have to put in some overtime on this one. One of the managers, Marcus, called us in dire need of assistance. Okay, we called him, but he was willing to let us do our thing if we promised not to break anything.

Ouray’s Western Hotel: A Very Brady Slaughter House
By Mick Zano
Ouray’s Western Hotel: A Very Brady Slaughter House
Mick Zano

Ouray, CO—Part two of our compelling four part series takes us to Ouray. The town is about as scenically situated as our last Rocky Mountain sojourn, Telluride. These days I only do sojourns. You want an adventure vacation, go with Cokie McGrath. She’ll have you climbing the Matterhorn by lunchtime. Luckily, the Matterhorn in Ouray is a cheesy motel and I’ve already been on the roof...with a beer.

Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?
Increase in Land Shark Attacks Linked to Global Warming?

Philadelphia, PA—Over the last decade only ten people were killed by sharks in the entire country. Our team is currently working on computations for the yearly average. Meanwhile, no landshark attacks have occurred since SNL’s third season, during the infamous "Richard Dryfuss incident."

Landshark attacks are now up 300% since their near disappearance in 1977. On June 26th, Pierce Winslow reported his wife was attacked by a landshark while golfing. On July 1st The Crank of Phoenix Arizona narrowly escaped an attack while waterboarding a liberal neighbor. Then, most recently, on July 16th our own Elisa Brahe was partially devoured by such a creature. Flagstaff Medical Center reports the Discord contributor remains in cynical condition.

Despite the fact all three attacks were on Discord contributors or their families, we’re not questioning the validity of these reports. The attacks occurred thousands of miles apart, some nowhere near water, which begs the question, BWTF? Clearly there are more than one of these species of terra pisces or the one man eater is swimming freely through our airport TSA security systems unfettered.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is now declared missing after jumping off the Santa Monica Pier yesterday smothered in chum. We believe it was her attempt to interview a member of the actual water-dwelling-variety of the species...but, you never know with her.

Is global warming a contributing factor? Is it forcing landsharks into more heavily populated areas? Can this all be blamed on President Obama? Answer our poll: do you feel less safe from landshark attacks under Obama’s staggeringly incompetent Administration? (Click Yes for Yes, or No for Yes).

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Discord Apology XXXIV: The Smell of Fear
Pierce Winslow

These retractions continue to wear on me emotionally. I care about what we do here at The Discord. It’s important work. It’s God’s work...well, certainly demi-God’s work, or Demi Moore’s work. It’s work, for sure. Sometimes I spend days trying to turn the Crank’s string of expletives into coherent thoughts. I deal with a constant barrage of receipts from Zano and Bone for bar tabs, brothels, and massage parlors all across the southwest. "But it’s a haunted brothel, Mr. Winslow, honest!" Fuckers.

Our headline Iraq Wins the Stanley Cup! was obviously a heinous mistake. Jerry Lewis’s ICU Telethon was not our finest hour. We would like to apologize to JE-RRREY! and his family for calling his hospital room every twenty minutes trying to pledge enough to get the tote bag. In retrospect, interfering with medical care is just not funny.

Everything pales in comparison to our three full days of Cokie McGrath’s coverage while she camped outside of the Great Pyramid of Giza waiting for the Egyptian Parliament to emerge. What? I have to pay for this shit! If she could even learn to use Wikipedia as a fact checking tool it would be a vast improvement. Google it Cokie, Google it...fine, I will send you to a seminar on Googling.

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Aging: It May Be Fucked Up but Maybe Less So
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Age related decline is a phenomenon sweeping the nation. You may recognize this subtle foe to establishing and maintaining relationships. For example, "Sure, honey. I can pick that up from the store" quickly turns to..."Umm, why am I going to the store?" Other symptoms include: fumbling around for beers long since consumed, emphatic arguments with inanimate objects—typically of the malfunctioning variety—and accusations of moving items which have remained stationary for years...like, for example, your house.

Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour
Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour

Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, "Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font."

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, "She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta."

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. "I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’"

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. "Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle," said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, "Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?" Gingrich replied, "Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big."

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The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
By Alex Bone
The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
Alex Bone

In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."

Alex Bone: Arizona’s New Homelessness Advocate
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Outside the Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a freakish turn of events not seen since that last Crank feature, Alex Bone has sworn off all societal ‘responsibilities’ and ‘obligations.’ Inspired by the Discord’s own ‘Occupy Space’ movement, Bone Man has not only joined the ranks of the homeless, but is working diligently on a statewide movement for others to join him in his crusade against rent, mortgages, and roofs in general.

Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

How you know you’re married to a man-child:

He needs assistance securely fastening his own seat belt. He may protest, "It’s too hard!" Sadly, that really happened...

He feigns incompetence to get out of doing stuff, i.e., sorry I broke all of your dishes with the sponge again, dear.

When he does anything remotely mechanical I envision a monkey with a gun.

He asks you for "help" as a ploy to get out of things. "Gosh, I just can’t figure out how to feed these darn fish with these flake things."

He’s totally incapable of feeding himself, forks, spoons, chopsticks, bibs all fall short of successfully getting the food into his mouth.

He can’t figure out why he doesn’t have any money. "So I can’t afford those solid gold jet skis?"

He equates taking out the garbage with all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry duties. "We divvy things up even, honey."

The condition of man child (MC) is not likely to get any better and alcohol only exacerbates the condition.

Good Luck

Cokie McGrath

Ask your question, bitch...
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Gingrich Surge Fueled by Angry NBA Fans
Gingrich Surge Fueled by Angry NBA Fans

Washington, DC—A recent Discord poll indicates the bulk of new Newt supporters (NNFs) are, in fact, the masses of frustrated NBA fans across our great nation. Newt Gingrich’s inexplicable Phoenix-like rise from the ashes of dickishness is clearly linked to the misdirected anger of those avid sport fanatics with way too much time on their hands.

"The NBA faction constitutes the vast majority of his bump," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath. "Furious Penn State fans may also be joining forces in a perfect shit-storm of people who want to further screw with the system."

"I don’t know what to do with myself," said Chicago Bulls fan, Pete Warner. "I don't care what happens to America anymore, so I’ve decided to back that blowhard creepy guy."

The Gingrich camp has predicted this slow and steady rise to the top, as other Republican candidates keep making the mistake of talking...with their mouths...to reporters and other journalist types.

"What this party really needed is someone who can bloviate a string of meaningless words that sounds intelligent," said Gingrich. "And I live for that shit."

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I'm single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter



Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask your question, bitch...
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman
Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is Cokie McGrath single?

Dave Atsals

Discord Contributor



Dear Dave,

She’s a coworker, Dave! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Cokie is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes her do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo deleting that video he sent me….Tomorrow.  Really, tomorrow.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Kidding, she likes chicks. I am soooo deleting that video she sent me. Tomorrow, really.

Ask your question, bitch...
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Hiking Sedona: The Do’s and the...well, just the Don’ts
By Mick Zano

The following is a real account of the incredible events that occurred on October 17th. These two vaguely-adult-like individuals, Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath, don’t agree on what exactly transpired after their "Occupy Wal-Mart" protest in nearby Cottonwood. Each insists their version of this hike-gone-horribly-wrong is the correct one. We’ll let you decide. The fact both of these intrepid explorers survived this ordeal is a testament to…who cares? But it’s really funny to laugh at them during this classic he said, she said. Enjoy.

Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors
Daily Discord Ranked #1 among Discord Contributors

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010.  After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.

"The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance," stated CEO Pierce Winslow.

Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman.  The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has "since been fired," added Winslow.

 "We are happy to have won the foam finger," said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath.  "I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing  jerks for the last two years."

The Crank told reporters, "I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!"  Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences. 

"This is an amazing accomplishment," said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony.  "I am just surprised this is the first year we won."

Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.

"It’s about going to Tahoe," added Tony.  "I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?"

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Dumbledore Remains Headmaster Despite Prolonged Muggle Uprising
Dumbledore Remains Headmaster Despite Prolonged Muggle Uprising

Hogwarts, ?—The Muggle protestors turned increasingly violent this week outside of Hogwarts School of Wizardry.  Despite two weeks of protesting, the school’s headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, refuses to relinquish command.  The entire grounds are full of thousands of angry Muggles—with the exception of one area where a particularly menacing tree has already claimed the lives of several protestors.

Muggles, or non magical folk, have been gathering in ever greater numbers to voice their discontent with all things magical.  Sparked by the uprisings in Tunisia and Egypt, ordinary people from all over have ramped up their demonstrations against the school, a place deemed the epicenter of all enchantments.

Known to some as the Stalin of Sorcery, Dumbledore is considered a despotic demon, a tyrannical thaumatist, and several other impressive synonyms by these amassing, thesaurus-savvy revolutionaries.

One woman carried a sign reading, "I should be head of the Ministry of Muggles!" Another had a sign equating Dumbledore with Hitler, while still others were burning an effigy of R.K. Rowling.

Dumbledore addressed the press today: "Whereas it is normally forbidden to use magic in the presence of Muggles, this time I am prepared to make an exception."

Dumbledore has given the crowd until midnight tonight to disperse or he is releasing the Dementors.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has not been seen since her attempt to interview one of the said Dementors. 

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SUCCESS!

Washington, DC—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath is live today from the National Mall, where an estimated "shit load" of people are arriving for the Ghetto Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  "There is mass confusion here, however, as other events seem to be occurring simultaneously," said McGrath. "There are other posters circulating, similar in design to the Shaman’s.  Not sure if this is splinter group, or a tribute, or something more sinister."

In an effort to save America, the Shaman planned to enter an alternate dimension by ingesting six Ziploc bags of ground nutmeg and six flasks of Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20. McGrath had a chance to talk to the Shaman before his departure from this realm.

The Shaman reportedly said, "Wooh hoooh, bitches!" before stumbling down the steps outside of the Lincoln Memorial into the hands of security personnel. 

Some theorize the Ghetto Shaman was doused in baby oil to lessen the friction between dimensions, whereas others believe he is just a sick bastard.  Did his altered state of consciousness allow him to complete his task?  Is our country’s soul safely back in one piece?  We may never know the truth, or at least not until Winslow makes his bail again. 

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Hawk V. Alien: Hawking Calls for Preemptive Attack on All Class M Planets
Hawk V. Alien: Hawking Calls for Preemptive Attack on All Class M Planets

Cambridgeshire, GB—Stephen Hawking insists we must Avoid All Contact with Aliens (AACA).

"First, those cowboys over at SETI must be stopped! Second, we need to intercept and destroy Voyager.  Sending out a deep space probe with directions back to Earth was the stupidest thing Carl Sagan ever did, barring Contact."

Hawking went on to describe Jodie Foster’s performance as "appalling."

Hawking is also calling for world leaders to consider a preemptive attack on all known class M planets.  When our own Cokie Mcgrath pointed out how the Class M planet is a fictional Star Trek reference, Hawking drove his wheelchair repeatedly over her toes. Earlier today, Netflix leaked Hawking’s movie rental list, which included a number of fifties sci-fi invasion movie classics.

Hawking denies the films influenced his opinion, before saying, "They’re already among us! Keep looking up!" and, "It’s a cookbook!"

Hawking believes an actual alien encounter would be similar to the movie Mars Attacks--a film Hawking believes has "an eerie almost prophetic realism," but he warned, "don’t count on Slim Whitman’s yodeling to save us."

Hawking then quoted an interstellar version of Cheney’s One Percent Doctrine, "If there’s even a one percent chance the aliens have an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator, as seen on Bugs Bunny, we should blast the shit out of ‘em."

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Toyota or Christine the Next Generation?
By Pierce Winslow
Demon-spawn Toyota Corolla
Pierce Winslow

Since 1999 more than 2000 Toyota and Lexus owners have reported that their vehicles spontaneously began accelerating out of control, resulting in 19 deaths in 815 crashes, numerous injuries, and millions of dollars in property damage. The Toyota Motor Sales Company has blamed these incidents on everything from faulty floor mats to sticky gas pedals. However, the CTS Corp. of Elkhart, IN, manufacturer of the gas pedals, reports that none of the crashes have been linked to their product, a claim supported by the fact that these pedals weren’t used by Toyota until 2005. So what is going on here, aside from one of the greatest up-ass smoke-blows of all time?

Talk Awfully and Carry a Big Dick: The George W. Bush Story

The Bush legacy doesn’t end with My Pet Goat.  A new book, even longer and with more words, is hailed as the closest thing to a Bush triumph.

The former President admits it’s “on the long side, but is much better than that Oliver Stone book.”

Mr. Bush thought long and hard on the title for his autobiography. The struggle for a title tugged at the core of the Bush’s being, and the effort marks the beginning and the end of his actual contributions.

“I’m still not sure if I should have gone with Clearing Brush,” said the former President to our own Cokie McGrath.  Mr. Bush went on to say, “I like clearing brush.”

He then wandered off and started clearing brush. Somehow this reporter can’t help but think: “who pulled this man away from his golf, his baseball, and his brush clearing escapades? And can charges still be pressed against those individuals?”

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Presidential Pet Pick Perturbs PETW
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

It is common knowledge that President-Elect Barack Obama has promised his children that they may get a dog once they are settled into the Whitehouse. What isn't so commonly known is that the Obamas' selection of a new Whitehouse pet has created quite a furvor, and could potentially threaten his 2012 re-election bid before he is even inaugurated.

Pterodactyls and Thunderbirds Account for Most UFO Sightings Says Elvis Clone

After interviewing an Elvis clone at the Graceland Genome Institute and Nail Salon, our own Cokie McGrath had this to say, “These people are &^%$ing creepy.”  McGrath determined that Elvis Clones are tabloid savvy and represent “only a moderate risk to the general public.”

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Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
By Alex Bone
Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
Alex Bone

In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.

Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle
Another Shopper Vanishes into the Bloomingdale Triangle

Manhattan, NY—The Bloomingdale Triangle has claimed yet another victim. 28-year old Jackie Fayette of Jersey City left with a handful of her boyfriend’s credit cards Saturday and slipped into what has come to be known as a Retail Vortex.  This vortex reaches a sizeable chunk of Manhattan Island, from Macy’s on 34th Street up to Saks Fifth Avenue and then due south to Bloomingdales.

Ancient Cosmopolitan theorist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, believes the Bloomingdale Triangle is a tear in the Bank/Credit continuum caused by something known as quantum shopping. "When someone becomes so focused on spending, without any regard for budgeting or credit limits, they essentially can create a temporary warp in financial space/time, or a shopularity," said Dr. Hogbein.  "Once a person hits that last unsustainable purchase, they have reached the point of ‘absolutely no returns’, which is more of a store policy than an actual law of physics." Once this occurs a person can slip forever into what Dr. Hogbein terms the misspent horizon, or a Black Friday Hole.

Immigrant Children Transformed Into Renewable Energy Source
Immigrant Children Transformed into Renewable Energy Source

McAllen, TX—As thousands of children pour over the U.S. border from Mexico each news cycle, some believe with misery comes opportunity, green opportunity. The folks at Discord Solar, Inc. insist that the sun's energy can be captured to generate electricity through a system of interconnected child immigrants in a new process known as Solar Babies.

When many voiced their concerns about heat-related health issues and dangerous conditions, CEO Pierce Winslow said, "We have doctors at every shelter, or at least people willing to play doctor, but here’s the cool part—pardon the pun—each border shelter will be an estimated ten degrees cooler than their recent trek across the Sonoran Desert. So why worry? These kids are of a hardy stock. The War on Drugs and the desert took care of that. Now it’s time to reap those Darwinian benefits, in solar energy form."

Critics are calling this practice Torture for Children, but Mr. Winslow was quick to relabel this practice enhanced immigration techniques.

Oil Tanker Sinks Off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility
By Mick Zano
Oil Tanker Sinks off Coast of Japan: No Monsters Take Responsibility

Tokyo, JP—Over a month has passed since the Shoko Maru, a nearly 1000 ton cargo tanker, sank under mysterious circumstances off the coast of Japan. To date, no monsters have claimed responsibility. The ship reportedly exploded before sinking into the ocean approximately 450-kilometers west of Tokyo. For U.S. readers that’s...I danno, we never really learned the metric system, but, according to our Chief Metric System Correspondent, it was fairly close to Godzilla’s usual stomping ground.

Many feel that if Godzilla caused this disaster he would have followed his traditional plotline directly into Tokyo Bay, where he—well, our field reporter Cokie McGrath said it best, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—Dolphin Mothers Against Humans Nailing Aquatic Beings In Theatrical productions or D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T protested outside of the Daily Discord’s Philadelphia Tower today. Hundreds turned out to see these underwater mammals hold signs proclaiming the evils of dolphin pornography and push rubber balls with their noses.

Not Again! Lohan Careens Into La Brea Tar Pits
Not Again! Lohan Careens into La Brea Tar Pits

Los Angeles, CA—Late Saturday night Lindsay Lohan walked away from an accident that left four pedestrians and two mastodons injured. The police believe her jet black Maserati was exceeding 90 MPH through a residential area when her car crashed through a six-foot fence and became mired in the very pit of tar that killed the mammoths.

LAPD chief, Bill Tyson, stated, "This is the second time this week Miss Lohan’s vehicle came to rest in the pit at the corner of La Brea and Wilshire. Well, it’s better than that time she ended up in the Griffith Observatory’s planetarium."

Live on the scene, Cokie McGrath, agreed, "This is clearly better than the Griffith Observatory incident. Survivors reported thinking her headlights were just a binary star system and part of the show. Today is more like The Fast and the Furious meets the Olyphant’s siege of Gondor. I don’t know if Lohan’s plunge into this pit of tar is a euphemism, or a metaphor, or a pun. I really don’t...I’m a reporter, not a journalist. I leave that kind of shit to Zano."

The mastodons were unavailable for comment, but Zano is going with pun.

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Nicki Minaj: Weird Science Gone Bad
Nikki Manaj: Weird Science Gone Bad

Boston, MA—An ongoing Daily Discord investigation into the origins of some of our more, um, screwy celebrity icons has revealed a number of staggering results, but this discovery is truly shocking. Nicki Minaj, "musician" and American Idol judge, is the result of a bad attempt at reenacting the super model creation scene from the widely popular 1985 movie Weird Science.

Cokie McGrath, Daily Discord field reporter, explained, "In the movie, the lead characters attempt to create the perfect woman using massive computing power and a Barbie doll. The result was a gorgeous model with incredible intelligence and magical powers. This situation, however, was a tragic accident."

Apparently a group of drunken MIT students, having just watched the movie for the 453rd time, decided to attempt the feat in their Boston dorm room, but they had limited access to dolls other than the blow up variety.

MIT Computer Science major Minimus Fallus added, "It was my little sister’s doll; she hasn’t gotten into Barbies yet. It was the best I could do. Sorry (sob), it’s like when Gary and Wyatt created that almighty missile at the end, a fiasco, and we didn’t have Lisa to clean up the mess."

Confused and saddened, the students simply cut their creation loose in Compton Court on the MIT campus. "We didn’t know what else to do. She was a freak of science," said, Fallus. "I can’t apologize enough, especially whenever I hear "Stupid Hoe" on the radio. Jesus, what have we done?!"

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Vlad the Unfriender
Vlad The Unfriender

Moscow, RU—Only minutes after the White House announced they would not be attending September’s scheduled mini-summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin unfriended Barack Obama on Facebook. Only hours before the social site snub, Putin posted, "Some people act like my friends, but they’re really not my friends. You’ll know what I mean soon!"

The White House did not officially comment on the unfriending or Putin’s decision to change his profile picture to a pair of mocking ass cheeks, but, hours after Putin’s actions, Obama tweeted, "Someone, who we will call Glad-I’m-queer Poopin, thinks I care if we’re friends or not on Facebook! ROTFLMAO!!!!"

Many feel these two world leaders are simply blowing off some much needed steam, but others fear these social site shenanigans could escalate.

"Sure Putin and Obama have unfriended one another," said the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "but neither have yet to permanently block the other. Such an act could trigger a virtual cold war that may even shatter their LinkedIn partnership, which has implications for both of their future employment opportunities. Let’s pray these two at least keep sexting in private."

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Discord Apology XXII: Into Retractness
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—As the CEO of the Daily Discord, I can’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth each time I kick back and discover another instance where our journalistic integrity failed us, where Microsoft’s grammar check failed us, hell, where even reason itself failed us. Our staff has set up a series of processes to better catch such mistakes moving forward, but for now here are our recent blunders.

Our headline Governor Calls for Special Erection to Fill Seat was simply a typo and in no way implied forced congressional sodomy.  Furthermore, the intern who wrote "Poop Francis" has been fired as I believe the error was punintentional. Speaking of which, if you would like to be an intern here at The Daily Discord, simply hit the Contact Us button. At this point your ability to accomplish that task is the only prerequisite.

Tragically, our headline Barnes & Noble Tweets Hacked by Lesbian Weevils should have read Border Posts Fall into Hands of Syrian Rebels, and I do not employ adverbs lightly. As for our headline, Iran Has Enough Enriched Uteruses for Five Nuclear Tampons, I really don’t know what that was intended to mean. Our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, needs to remember to supplement her IPAs with GMOs.

The focus of this ezine’s shift to videos is no excuse for this rash of flagrant ineptness (RFAs)...and, yes, we are doing away with all of our lousy acronym jokes (LAJs) as well.  Ultimately, it remains my reasonability to correct these errors and I assure I am working tirelessly to delegate more appropriate blame.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

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HIKE:  A Four Letter Word for a Reason
By Bald Tony
Bald Tony

Against my better judgment I decided it was time to visit Zano again.  Might have had something to do with the constant "Hey, Bald Tony, I’ve visited you 635 times since you last visited me!"  Well, I do enjoy Flagstaff. It is not as fully loaded as Vegas, but it more than holds its own as a great little tourist town...despite Zano’s residency there.

The Darker Corner of The TwiRight Zone
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

Woman Manatee Rider Added to "Manatee Offender List"

Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz' wet bar (we're sure it's one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

"The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can't seem to stay the F off the manatees," said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. "President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?"

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to "tap the glass". For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, "We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM)."

The Daily Discord's Cokie McGrath added, "Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don't think so. Why don't we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?"

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord's worst jokes of the week... "Oh, the hu-manatee!"

Kidding, we've had worse.

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The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row
By Mick Zano
The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row
Mick Zano

Have you ever stopped at Prescott’s Whiskey Row? For those unfamiliar with the southwest, Prescott is a town nestled in a mountainous section of central Arizona. There’s a time I would have loved this rustic row of bars...er, like shortly after it debuted in 1877. But there’s at least one place on that block worthy of a stop. The Palace Saloon is old, historic, and quite haunted. It’s also the focus of The Ghost Blunder’s latest para-abnormal investigation.

Tahrir Square "Flash Mob" Stunt Ends Poorly
Tahrir Square "Flash Mob" Stunt Ends Poorly

Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived "flash mob" number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, "I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either."

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, "As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes."

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Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"
Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, "We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood."

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. "We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains."

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, "We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla."

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, "Sometimes, yes, other times not so much."

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Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified
Identity of Eastwood’s Empty Chair Identified

Tampa, FL—The Daily Discord’s para-abnormal research team poured over thousands of photos and images of Clint Eastwood’s infamous address at last week’s convention. Using the latest para-abnormal equipment, also known as Photoshop, our team has finally discovered who Clint was talking to that night.

The Daily Discord is 99% sure Mr. Eastwood was addressing, Clyde, the orangutan from that Any Which Way But Loose movie from 1978. Clyde died under mysterious and possibly violent circumstances shortly after the sequel in 1980, Any Which Way You Can totally ending any chance for the next movie, Any Which Way to Make Money. There’s nothing like a Warner Brothers movie with allegations of animal cruelty. You should have seen what they did to Bugs Bunny every Saturday morning. His catch phrase "What’s up Doc?" began as he regained consciousness each morning in various Southern California hospitals.

But why Clyde? Is Mr. Eastwood still unable to cope with this tragedy? Does Clyde still blame Eastwood for his death? And, perhaps more importantly, does the death of such a primate still constitute an irreparable loss to Republican Party strategists?

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has evidence the GOP is collaborating with Mr. Eastwood on a third installment to this important series, Any Which Way But Truth.

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Zano to Quit the Discord....Again
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to interview the Daily Discord’s head comedy writer, Mick Zano. Mr. Zano is a man—at least technically—who many call the brains of the operation. OK, no one really says that. In fact, spending an hour with Mr. Zano is good cause for hazard pay. Did you get that, Mr. Winslow? Make check payable to Cokie Industries.

American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating
American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a "romp of humiliation" or "entertainment for the asses," has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, "We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!" McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

"It’s called capitalism," said McGrath. "It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?"

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

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Ouija Session Reportedly "Very Fustratting" for Dyslexic Ghost
Ouija Session Reportedly "Very Fustratting" for Dyslexic Ghost

Ann Arbor, MI—As part of a sleep over, a group of teenage girls climbed into the Miller’s attic on June 16th and held an over four hour Ouija session with one of the residence’s ghosts. The paranormal entity later described the event as "fukcing ecxcruciatting" for a tortured soul who sufferers from dyslexia.

Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, believes the ghost in question has resided in the attic where the game took place since his untimely death, nearly 80 years ago. The apparition stated he would rather be left alone than be assailed by a bunch of teenagers who, after hundreds of questions, still couldn’t figure out that yes/no questions worked best.

The young ladies, who wished to remain anonymous, were perplexed by the ghost’s indecipherable responses such as, "I have servere dylslexia" and "I deid in this vrey place" and finally, "Why don’t you bithces play somehting eles?!"

The young lady who hosted the party told McGrath she believes the ghost wasn’t murdered, but added, "He sure can murdre the English language. Get it...murdre?"

After the comment the ghost is planning to "Huant that littel shit for ettenrity!"

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Taken Outside Cokie McGrath's Place
Taken Outside Cokie McGrath's Place, She has that effect on frozen water particles
She has that effect on frozen water particles
 
Enlarge...
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Shootout at the Batshit Corral Approved by City Council
Shootout at the Batshit Corral Approved by City Council

Tombstone, AZ—The Black Panthers recently put a bounty on the head of rock star and activist Ted Nugent for his recent incendiary remarks against President Barack Obama. The Panthers do not feel the Secret Service’s recent visit to The Motor City Madman will suffice.

Black Panther national spokesman, Chawn Kweli, told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "In recent weeks, we put out a bounty on the heads of George Zimmerman, Harold Steinman and now Ted Nugent for crimes against humanity."

When McGrath asked about Steinman, Kweli replied, "That cock sucker cut me off at the mall and took the last parking spot. I ran his plates and that mother f-er is going down!"

Ted Nugent suggested the Black Panthers meet him at the historic OK Corral in Tombstone Arizona to settle their differences. On Saturday May 12th, at high noon, Ted Nugent plans to square off with the three key members of The Black Panthers for what was once known as ‘the quick draw’. The Historical Society and City Council of Tombstone Arizona have approved the use of real bullets during this gunfight extravaganza, which locals think should "significantly boost tourism."

The Mayor of Tombstone, Kirby Jenkins, said, "We’re kind of hoping they just blow the shit out of each other. I know there’s some sympathy for Ted’s position around these parts, but at the end of the day the world will be a better place when Boot Hill has a few more permanent residents."

Gabby Johnson of nearby Rock Ridge added, "frRRrravish!"

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Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?
Who Ordered the Drone Attack that Killed Breitbart?

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition...if he had any."

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack "would only stir the hornet’s nest."

"Who knows how they will retaliate," said the Discord’s Mick Zano. "We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns."

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. "For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List," said Zano.

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Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"

Life Coach Cokie
Cokie McGrath

Dear Cokie,

I need help with a situation. There’s a guy I like at work. He’s the total package…overweight, middle-aged, total alcoholic, and married! Did I mention he’s flatulent? Can you suggest ways that I can snag this fine figure of a man?

Chubby Chaser



Dear Chubby Hubby Chaser,

It’s important to take this in stages. First, invite that stud-muffin on a vacation. If his wife inquires about the trip, toss around words like "work related" and "platonic". If that doesn’t work, extend an invitation for a red-hot threesome in another state. Either way, this is sure to be a success, in a domestic violence, restraining order kind of way. If all other methods fail, it’s best to go rogue. For more information on Going Rogue, try Sarah Palin’s book of the same name.

Cokie McGrath 

Ask your question, bitch...
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Life Coach Cokie: On Social Site Bombing
Cokie McGrath

Don’t worry. The Ghetto Shaman will be back next week. Mr. Winslow doesn’t always get his bail money to him in a timely fashion.

Turning social sites against their owner is an art form. First, be sure to get your target drunk and then gain access to all of his or her social sites. For this little experiment, I used friend and fellow Discordian, Zick Mano. When he went to the bathroom, I friended all of his subordinates, who he would never normally friend, and then proceeded to fire them all. (Now be quick about it, as time is of the essence).

Then when he returned, I talked him into searching and friending a bunch of his ex-girlfriends (lawyers, porn stars, lawyer-porn stars!). Then, when he went back to the bathroom (this is where it’s important to keep the drinks flowing), simply invite all of them for threesomes in a variety of exotic locations. You can invite midgets, politicians, cartoon characters, whomever. Get creative with it. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.

Mick’s exs are funny! One of them even threatened a restraining order. Good times. Be warned, I never recommend drunken self social site debauchery (DSSSB), but when you successfully target a friend, it’s pure entertainment. Keep in mind, these activities can damage friendships, careers, even marriages, but thankfully not your own.

Cokie McGrath

Ask any question and I will answer! At least until the Shaman gets bailed out, of course.

Ask your question, bitch...
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The Haunted Weatherford and the Yahtzee Séance
By Mick Zano
The Haunted Weatherford and the Yahtzee Séance
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Arizona was still a territory when the Weatherford Hotel was erected in glorious downtown Flagstaff. The old hotel remains one of the coolest structures in the southwest. It’s the home of the Flagstaff Writing Group and it’s also quite haunted. The majority of the ghost sightings occur in the Zane Grey ballroom, so last week, with an almost unrivaled determination, Alex Bone and I made the intrepid 11 pace march from bar to ballroom.

If America Promises to Disband Capitalism will you all take a Shower?
If America Promises to Disband Capitalism will you all take a Shower?

Flagstaff, AZ—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, barely escaped the Occupy Flagstaff rally on Saturday after several of her incendiary remarks left protestors angered. Having camped out at the Flagstaff City Council Building all afternoon, the protestors grew increasingly hostile and malodorous.

"Do you smell Patchouli? God, I hope that’s Patchouli," said McGrath through watery eyes and held nose. "The stench of these anti-political Patchouli-smelling peeps makes me want to puke…and the event only started a couple of hours ago."

McGrath waded into the unwashed masses and interviewed a man named Chris and his friend, V (the real V from Vendetta, not one of his helpers). Neither of them could agree on much, but they’re both furious with the man, whoever he is.

Protestors had a lot to say on the topic of reforming capitalism; their answers ranged from "scrap it" all the way to "what was Bret Michaels thinking by picking that last skanky ho-bag?"

Not a single protestor acknowledged the existence of the Daily Discord’s Occupy Wal*Mart movement. The Discord staff maintains this Occupy group pales in comparison to the Discord’s own universal galactic hostile takeover of Wal*Mart.

Normally the water canon is used to disperse angry mobs, but in this case Flagstaff officials used a lethal combination of ammonia and bleach to both kill and disinfect the crowd.

Finally, after several showers and an hour in her own personal fumigation chamber, McGrath added, "We don’t know why they came, we don’t know when they will leave, but I do know one thing: there’s not enough Febreze in northern Arizona to make this situation right."

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Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours
Occupy Wal*Mart Protest Lasts Six Grueling Hours

Cottonwood, AZ—Upon discovering the sheer lack of Walmarts in Sedona, the Discord’s Mick Zano and Cokie McGrath drove the extra 35 miles to Cottonwood during their unprecedented attack on "the man" Sunday. The two lacktivists planned to stake out the snack bar area, until they were hit with their second setback—the sheer lack of snack bars in the Cottonwood Walmart.

"We’d like to apologize to all the people who went to Sedona Sunday looking for the nonexistent snack bar in the nonexistent Walmart," said Mick Zano. "Who knew Sedona was completely devoid of marts, K, Wal, or otherwise? It was an honest mistake made by honest reporters."

"He’s lying," said Discord reporter Cokie McGrath. "In retrospect, I don’t recommend spending this much time with Zano when he’s not drinking, but I did manage to keep him from defecating on a plastic police car in the toy aisle."

The pair succeeded in bringing business at the bustling Super Center to a screeching halt for a nearly six hour period...or at least business near and around this bench.

McGrath believes this event is only the beginning. "We could have carried on for another two or three more hours, but the bench area actually has different hours than the rest of the store, or at least that’s what they told us during our ejection."

"If this protest continues to double every day, eventually there will be more protestors than people on the planet. That’s a statistical fact," said Zano, who believes the protest could have been an even more effective demonstration, "If I didn’t always spend my weekends hanging around this same bench for long periods of time."

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God Angry with Obama for Supporting Republican Energy Views?
God Angry with Obama for Supporting Republican Energy Views?

Heaven—Isn’t the timing more than a little suspicious?  Think about it; Obama backs deep sea drilling and, boom, a few weeks later gazillions of gallons of crude oil spews into the Gulf of Mexico.  Obama then backs nuclear energy and boom, splash, Japan’s nuclear incident occurs at Fukushima. 

God told our own Cokie McGrath, "If Obama start promoting ‘clean’ coal, I already have that covered as well."

God plans to burn the entire state of Kentucky by setting all its coal mines ablaze at once in something he is calling his ‘Shock and Ore’ campaign.

"In 2011, if you’re still talking only about the big three: nuclear, coal, and oil, it’s go time, bitches," said God.

God also admitted to McGrath, global warming doesn’t pose a threat to human life anytime soon.

"But plans have changed," added God. "Climate change wouldn’t have become deadly for another thousand years or so, but it’s time to turn this cosmic crockpot up notch."

God then entered his 2010 Prius, with venti mocha macchiato frappe in hand, and may have either waved  goodbye out of the car window or flipped the press the bird.

"We’re sure it was one of the two," said McGrath

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The New York Times Suing The Daily Discord…Again
The New York Times Suing The Daily Discord…Again

Philadelphia, PA—Fallout from the above picture has left The Daily Discord seeking legal counsel.  A recent post led readers to believe Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath, was on the scene in Afghanistan conducting a survey on The Mating Rituals of Hunky Military Types.   But, if you look closely at the top of the image, you can clearly see the bottom of the lettering for The New York Times.  In fact, the picture is identical to a Times story from December 13th.

"It looks as if someone just snapped a shot of our newspaper cover and called it their own," said Bill Keller, the NY Time’s Executive Editor.  "This isn’t the first time we’ve had a run in with this group, although this is brazen even for them.  They’re a menace to the world wide web."

"Preposterous!" replied the Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow. "I have the receipt for McGrath’s plane ticket, her bar tab from Kabul, and several prescriptions for Oxycodone."

But when pressured, Winslow was unable to produce this documentation—except the prescriptions.  Despite the overwhelming evidence, Winslow remains unwilling to make any retraction for The Discord’s controversial post, nor is he willing to stop exploiting hunky military types.   

"We’re on the side of the truth," said Winslow.  "When we say we’re on location, we’re on location…and, apparently, sometimes we’re on booze and opiates."

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Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer
Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer

Washington, DC—Perturbed by recent events, President Obama called for another of his highly-hyped Beer Summits.  This time our Head of Suds met with comedian Jon Stewart and news correspondent, Rick Sanchez, to mend some fences.  Sanchez recently lost his job, anchoring at CNN, after claiming Stewart is a "bigot" and for claiming "Jews are hardly a repressed minority." Meanwhile, Jon Stewart hasn’t warmed up to any of Obama’s summits and is making fun of them regularly on The Daily Show.  

The administration considered calling it Beer Summit! Part Deux and, for some reason, Breakin' 2: Eclectic Brewgaloo, but, due to the historic importance, Obama combined the best of his Beer Summits and his Backyard Summits and went with Backyard Beer Summit.

"This close to the mid-term elections I need my media commentators back on message," said Obama. "And that’s when I have Michelle hit the old Pay & Take for 40oz cans of malty diplomacy."

The summit started off on a rocky note, however, when Sanchez said, "Sorry, Jon, I know deep down you’re really not a Jew."

Stewart responded, "Why don’t you go taze yourself again, bro?"

A fight ensued between the three which the Secret Service thankfully captured on their cell phones.  As it turns out, the initial argument between Sanchez and Stewart was a misunderstanding.  Sanchez thought the word bigot meant: gay, a ciggie or a bundle of sticks.

"It was terrible to see," said our Chief White House Correspondent, Cokie McGrath.  "I haven’t seen that much beer abuse since The Ghetto Shaman’s ejection from the Luxor."

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Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case
Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case

Vatican City, um, Vatican City – According to Discord sources, Jesus Christ, alias "Dave," was recently issued a subpoena in the ongoing Catholic Church child molestation investigation. As the "Christ" figure in the "Vicar of Christ" moniker, he is being painted as the kingpin of an organized child molestation community.

"’Suffer the little children cum unto me [Luke 18:16]’? I think that says it all," stated Hymie Fez, Chief Lawsuit Filer. "On top of that, he’s the guy that appointed that Pope…um…accomplice."

At a minimum, the Savior is in grave danger of losing his position as hiring manager.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, did some seedy investigation and turned up some publicly known evidence. Apparently Jesus and his alleged father were behind a series of nine, mass ride-through slashings beginning in 1095.

"We also have him tied to some 278,000 counts of the sale of indulgences," said Fez. "Imagine a guy in his position being stupid enough to get into petty number-running."

The FBI, in conjunction with Interpol, are setting up a series of sting operations in order to capture this fiend. Every month there is a landslide of reports of pictures of the culprit in places like potato chips, cheese sandwiches, and insane asylums, but the Lord is proving to be evasive. This has led to the formation of vigil-ente patrols.

"We get leads from the media," remarked  Wil Gettum, leader of the vigil-ente organization. "We hear that he’ll be in town every now and then. Cosmic alignments, comet-passings, and big-shit droppings all bring in a lot of reports. But he has yet to show himself."

Until concrete evidence comes to light, the vigil-ente community will be spending a lot of time in church.

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Michael Jackson Is Still Dead, for Now
By Pierce Winslow

The announcement that Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009, has taken this country and the entire world by storm. However, the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has uncovered evidence that Michael Jackson really died in a pyrotechnic accident while filming a Pepsi commercial way back in 1984. Apparently the character we have been seeing is really an animatronic facsimile of the pop star now dead for 25 years.

Palin Outraged About Something

Wasilla, AK — Governor Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath during an interview last week that she wanted to send a “strong signal” to the Obama Administration about his recent Special Olympics reference on the Tonight Show.

Governor Palin went on to say, “I resemble that remark!” and that the quote was a “tragedy to speds everywhere.”

When asked why she recently refused stimulus money for educating special needs children in her own state, she replied “I prefer those stimulus packages that go directly into those offshore accounts, for, you know, those CEO types who would vote for me. I find those Republican guys have the most stimulating packages.” 

When asked if she thought she was being a bit hypocritical, she replied “Hippowhatsas?  I’m not a doctor for Pete’s sake.”

Sarah Palin then winked, not because that was a joke, she didn’t realize the interview was not being videotaped.

Palin added, “I told you, America, you should have voted for me and Mr. Wrinkly!”

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Dexy of the Midnight Runners Vows Second Hit Coming
Enlarge...

Dexy, of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, is off of his meds and back on the musical warpath. Several decades without a follow-up hit have not dampened the band’s hopes of a full resurgence.  When questioned about the band’s perpetual one-hit-wonder status, Dexy retorted, “What about Come on Eileen: Unplugged and Come on Eileen: the Instrumental?”  In a Discord Exclusive, Dexy told our own Cokie McGrath that the band is planning to name their upcoming chart topper, Come On Eileen…Really Already. I Mean for Fuck’s Sake, Woman.  Dexy later admitted this title might be shortened, edited, or set ablaze in a brown paper bag upon someone’s doorstep.

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Ahmadinejad Denies Last Name is Long, Confusing

US diplomats are urging Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to simplify his last name, or change it outright.  “Something needs to be done for the sake of both diplomacy and locution,” says Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent Cokie McGrath.  Even President Bush himself told Ahmadinejad, “Remember those twenty six words that never should have been said during that infamous State of the Union Address?  Well, you’re name is longer.”  Iranian operatives suggest the Iranian President might be willing to drop the “jad” off the end in exchange for weapons technology.

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Discord Videos
The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
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The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
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 Search Truth Quest: EP 1 PT 4:
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