Dem-mess-cuss, Syria—President Barack Obama is pleased to announce the organizers of his infamous Mexican gun-running program are slated to replace his Syrian Humanitarian Initiative Team. He now plans to directly arm the Syrian rebels and will support them as part of operation: How Assholes Pushed the President to Effin’ Nuke Syria.

Effectively immediately, Operation S.H.I.T. will be replaced by Operation H.A.P.P.E.N.S. The U.S. military will play a more direct military role: "Which has worked out so well in the past," explained Obama. "When we start arming the Syrian rebels, I am confident these weapons will not fall into the wrong hands....um, or at least our agents on the Mexican border won’t be effected."

Many on team Obama feel the decision to choose sides in a thousand year old Muslim religious conflict sounds like "great fun" and Vice President Joe Biden added, "What could possibly go wrong?"

Many are concerned this action will tank our still fragile economic recovery. President Obama told critics, "Look, I know this is a dumb idea, but domestic and international pressure demands I do something stupid.  If you want our foreign policy to start making sense, start deporting neocons. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a muzzle on Bill Clinton once in a while."

Hong Kong—In an unprecedented twist to an already difficult situation, former CIA employee and whistleblower, Edward Snowden, is releasing all of his personal emails to-and-from several former girlfriends.

"I am not a hero," claimed Snowden. "I just hate some of those skanks. People need to know the shit I had to put up with. I think some of them actually enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others...the bitches."

John Q. Republican added, "Look, if this was during a republican administration the release of government secrets would be treason, but a man uncovering shit we made possible while a Democrat is in the Oval Office? ...hell, that’s heroism. I want to make that clear. We spent a lot of time constructing this double standard, which we hope will one day traverse the entire southern border of our country, you know, to keep out the spics and the wetbacks."

The Daily Discord supports Snowden’s efforts and bumper stickers are now available on our website, such as Snowden Will ShowDem! and Hong Kong Stoolie! Available for only $19.95 plus shipping. Remember, you’re not a real American if you don’t purchase one today. Void where prohibited, but watch those public indecency laws.

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is in a critical political condition today as doctors are concerned the group strained something while linking Obama to the IRS scandal. This, in the wake of their recent Honduran scandal-factory collapse, has all but ended the party’s hopes for an impeachment summer.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said, "The IRS scandal is real, which means if a plausible bridge can be constructed between the IRS and the Obama Administration, we would have enough blood flow to our penises that an ER visit may become necessary for some. Look, we have a lot of pseudo scandals that no one really understands. Getting louder and being repetitive is helpful for our batshit base but, let’s face it, the only other real scandal—that NSA/AP stuff—well, crap, we made that stuff legal long ago. So if we can’t pin the IRS scandal on the donkey, it’s going to be back to the Glenn Beck drawing board for the lot of us. And, frankly, I’m done sniffing the Sharpies for this party. Sure it helps generate a scandal but the associated rebound headaches suck."

Glenn Beck was unavailable for huffing.

Philadelphia, PA—As the CEO of the Daily Discord, I can’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth each time I kick back and discover another instance where our journalistic integrity failed us, where Microsoft’s grammar check failed us, hell, where even reason itself failed us. Our staff has set up a series of processes to better catch such mistakes moving forward, but for now here are our recent blunders.

Our headline Governor Calls for Special Erection to Fill Seat was simply a typo and in no way implied forced congressional sodomy.  Furthermore, the intern who wrote "Poop Francis" has been fired as I believe the error was punintentional. Speaking of which, if you would like to be an intern here at The Daily Discord, simply hit the Contact Us button. At this point your ability to accomplish that task is the only prerequisite.

Tragically, our headline Barnes & Noble Tweets Hacked by Lesbian Weevils should have read Border Posts Fall into Hands of Syrian Rebels, and I do not employ adverbs lightly. As for our headline, Iran Has Enough Enriched Uteruses for Five Nuclear Tampons, I really don’t know what that was intended to mean. Our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, needs to remember to supplement her IPAs with GMOs.

The focus of this ezine’s shift to videos is no excuse for this rash of flagrant ineptness (RFAs)...and, yes, we are doing away with all of our lousy acronym jokes (LAJs) as well.  Ultimately, it remains my reasonability to correct these errors and I assure I am working tirelessly to delegate more appropriate blame.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg is calling Dunkin’ Donuts’ decision to release their glazed donut egg sandwich as a clear escalation in his War on Sweeteners. Bloomberg is willing to overlook this rogue, doe-fryer’s flagrant misspelling of both Dunking and Doughnuts, but he is drawing the line over their latest cholesterolic folly, the donut sandwich.

"This is an unholy alliance that could bring greasy foods and sugary products together like never before," said Bloomberg. "They’re even adding bacon to their latest code-blue menu option. Our children are in danger, our families are in danger, and this recklessness even threatens our entire healthcare system as a whole!"

In response to this crisis, Mayor Bloomberg intends to divert a significant amount of NYPD presence to all of the local donut shops, which he feels, "Won’t cost the city too much as they are usually there anyway."

Anyone believed to be purchasing more than one egg/bacon/donut sandwich thingie (EBDST) with the intent on eating them will be shot dead, which Mayor Bloomberg considers a "mercy killing".

"Look, they’d die soon anyway," said Bloomberg, "and this way is much easier on the healthcare costs."

New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg has received countless packages and envelopes containing everything from sugar, to Splenda, to other dangerous carcinogenic sweetners. The Department of Homeland Sugarity stated many letters were smeared with thicker substances like icing, fudge, and Boston cream. For Bloomberg the most disturbing incident involved a sweetacide bomber, who poured Mountain Dew into the Mayor’s morning coffee. As a result, the Mayor is starting an elite NCIS division (No Confection In State).

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters today, "People who are trying to get me hooked on high fructose corn syrup are going to jail. I am declaring a War on Sweetners. I believe a Jihadist sweetner cell may already be operating in the tri-state area. It’s a fat people fatwa. And if I find the bastard I’m going to suecrose them for every penny!" He then turned to a heckler and said, "Yeah, Fruc-u-tose, sir! And, for the last time, I am not going to Do the Dew, it’s not the Real Thing, and I am certainly not going to Obey My Thirst. Listen up, you roly poly junk food junkies: when you walk out of a Krispy Kreme, I’ll be there, when you smuggle a Big Gulp over the New Christy border, I’ll be there, and by gum...don’t even get me started on gum!"

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.  

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, "I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!"

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere...well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!