Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
May 6, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
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American Psychological Association Insists "Torturers Strictly Adhered to All A.P.A. Formatting"
American Psychological Association Insists "Torturers Strictly Adhered to all A.P.A. Formatting"

Washington, DC—Further evidence is mounting that the American Psychological Association (A.P.A) collaborated with the Bush Administration and the C.I.A. to develop enhanced interrogation techniques, which later came to be known as: Operation: We Tortured Some Folks.

The A.P.A. is now on the defensive about their role in torturing people at Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, and that Organizational Psychology conference in San Diego. A psychologist who helped develop the Patriotic Torture Program (PTP), James Mitchell, said he is confident that "All torture reports written during that period strictly maintained a high standard of A.P.A. formatting (Johnson, A., Peter, A. (2003), pp. 198–215)."


All Your Marijuana Predictions Are Going to Pot
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The War on Drugs is ending but not fast enough. Why does it take so long to end republican policies? ...uh, maybe because we keep voting for these jokers. Sorry Matt Drudge, but highlighting every pot-related incident from Legalandia will not change the overall trends, namely that the economies of those states are improving as overall crime levels and use-rates plateau. On a related note, why is the half-life of all of our right-wing bullshit greater than Plutonium? AM Radio Isodopes?


Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production
By Alex Bone
Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Daily Discord film crew was forced to push back the start date of their soon to be Oscar nominated epic "Belch of the Mogollon Monster." The latest S.T.Q. blockbuster was slated to be filmed on location in scenic Picture Canyon, conveniently located just outside of Flagstaff, but less than a week before the shoot the site was closed due to an infestation of plague-bearing fleas.


The GOP: Insight Out
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you noticed how our republican friends feel increasingly vindicated lately? No matter what each news cycle brings, it will only confirm their suspicions. Instead of countering all of their "points", it might be easier to just watch Fox News backwards. Barack Sabbath? Kidding, watching Fox backwards spells !izahgneB.


Zano V Rhythm
Zano v Rhythm
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U.S. Convinces Iran to Turn Nuke Program Into Brewery
U.S. Convinces Iran to Turn Nuke Program into Brewery

Tehran, IR—The State Department is hailing the recent development of Iran’s decision to convert their uranium enrichment facilities into breweries as a "major achievement". Iran won’t have any power but they will have porters. The United Nations supports Iran’s decision to brew beer and approved the distribution of cans, bottles, and growlers. They have yet to give Tehran the go-ahead to produce 22 oz. bombers as there remains a lingering fear that this could be a gateway size.

Iran Brewery will feature several flagship beers including a dry-hopped Infidel IPA, a Sharia Sour, a peach-flavored Genocider, and a Death to American Pale Ale. The Mohammed Malt Liquor was pulled from the racks, however, after an artist died on the rack for what Iran officials are calling "a label design mishap."


Cosby’s Giving Me a Woody
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

With all the hoo-ha surrounding the Bill Cosby’s recent allegations, this seems like a good time to talk about Woody Allen. Whenever the media needs an easy punchline for a child molestation joke (always in good taste), they inevitably turn to Woody Allen. Countless blogs and entertainment outlets love to dribble on about the "sick" relationship between the film director and the much younger Soon-Yi Previn, his ex-lover's adopted daughter, aka "that poor girl."

Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore
Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore

Baltimore, MD—Some savvy Baltimore entrepreneurs are taking advantage of the angry gangs roaming freely through their streets. Debris Stands, as they have come to be called, are now on almost every corner from Rosemont to Westport.

One business owner, Ed Stanko, is selling bricks to rioters from his own burned-out storefront. "I feel like a real American today. I’m helping the police bring the people who torched my business to justice, while also making money by arming the mob to fight the police. Now I know how Dick Cheney must feel."


Letterman STILL Saying Goodbye Somewhere in New Zealand!
 Letterman STILL Saying Goodbye Somewhere in New Zealand! World requests he reduce farewell to Tweet form.
World requests he reduce farewell to Tweet form.
 
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BP: Tar Balls in Gulf Now "Fun Size"
BP: Tar Balls in Gulf Now "Fun Size"
 
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Priorities Meat Flagstaff
Priorities Meat Flagstaff
 
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Let's Give Zano Partial Credit on This One
Let's Give Zano Partial Credit on this One
 
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Colorado's First Pot Related Fatality
Colorado's First Pot Related Fatality
 
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20% of All Colorado Pot Diverted to Make Last Old Spice Commercial
20% of all Colorado Pot Diverted to Make Last Old Spice Commercial
 
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Dated Discord
Cheney Yells "This Is Torture!" Before Strangling Kitten
Cheney Yells "This is Torture!" before Strangling Kitten

Mclean, VA—During an interview with the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Dick Cheney became highly agitated today. Initially, the former Vice President presented as calm and answered questions ranging from the consequences of the Iraq War, to the irony of a homophobe having a lesbian daughter, to the economic collapse caused by his own arrogance. When McGrath mentioned the Torture Report, however, Cheney grabbed the PhotoShopped image of a kitten and began strangling it. "I like torture but I don’t like reports! This!! This is torture, you little bitch! Not that mambi-pambi shit we we’re doing to those war criminal, towelheads!"


Dear GOP, What Is Your Infatuation With People Who Are Always Wrong?
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Doesn’t cognitive dissonance eventually reach some saturation level? If fed enough conflicting data doesn’t the frontal lobe eventually deflate or something? Neuralflacidity? I know conservatives get an unhealthy dose of spin, but eventually the dust settles and we discover what actually happened. And it’s never what they thought. For some reason I was reading the Weekly Standard the other day and it struck me, the Standard is the brain-trust of the right, right? Yet who in their right mind would trust their brainlessness? Sorry, it’s the neuralflacidity talking.


Cruz to Redirect NASA Funds to "Global Space Fence"
Cruz to Redirect NASA funds to "Global Space Fence"

Washington, DC—The chief scientist of NASA, Ellen Stofan, recently announced, during a panel discussion, her firm belief that "we are on the verge of finding alien life" and that "this discovery will happen within a decade." This stunning announcement sent Ted Cruz, the chair of the Space, Science, and Competitiveness committee, into immediate inaction.

Senator Ted Cruz told the press today, "I have no reason to doubt NASA’s claims—except the whole aliens are never mentioned in either The Bible or Atlas Buggered—but if we only have a decade before these little green welfare recipients invade our sovereign planet, we need to start building a global border fence now."


Hipsters
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

A hipster will put up fliers for his band's show but the location won't be on it because if you're cool enough you'll know where the show is. When a hipster wants to "rock out", he'll put on Franz Ferdinand instead of the Stooges. A hipster will have zero CDs by Elvis Presley, but at least one by ABBA. A hipster always makes sure the lyrics to whatever he's playing aren't offensive to his girlfriend, even if he doesn't have one.


From Common Core to Common CAIR
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

There’s been a noticeable change in the content of textbooks used in American public schools in relationship to Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. Over the past twenty years, Islam has been increasingly shown in a positive light, while Christianity and Judaism have been ignored or shown in a negative one. Is this change based on the objective findings of genuine history or on the basis of political pressure? Libviticus?


Western Breweries Fight Drought With New Extra Dry IPA
Western Breweries Fight Drought with new Extra Dry IPA

Carlsbad, CA—The water is about gone in California and breweries are responding to Governor Jerry Brown’s call to action. Instead of moving back east with their parents, many master brewers are thinking outside the box. Many California residents are praising brewpubs owners for their ingenuity, but others are questioning the final product.

Drought Brewing is excited to announce the release of their Arid Ale as well as a Bone-Dry Bitter. Jack Parched, the Master Brewer of H²No Brewery, said, "We’re also aging a barley wine style beer as our seasonal. I call it the Barley Drinkable."


Glenn Beck and the Emperor's New Caliphate
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

During my last post I never reached the Promised Land: the heralded 2nd interesting Republican prediction of the 21st century. This one comes in the form of Glenn Beck’s Caliphate. Beck’s obviously referencing a group of AM radio hosts who hope to expand their current syndicated stations to one day span from the tip of Alaska to the tip of Florida—wait, that’ll be underwater. Never mind.

Aaron Hernandez Sentenced to One Date With Jodi Arias
Aaron Hernandez Sentenced to One Date with Jodi Arias
 
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Research: Hunting With AK47s Helped Early Humans Outsmart Neanderthals
Research: Hunting with AK47s Helped Early Humans Outsmart Neanderthals
 
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Say Hello to the Third Amigo!
Say Hello to the Third Amigo!
 
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Since the Government Has My Dic Pics...
Since the Government Has My Dic Pics...
 
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God Claims Responsibility for Devastating Tornado
God Claims Responsibility for Devastating Tornado, "Thou Shalt Bake Gay Wedding Cakes" added to Commandments
"Thou Shalt Bake Gay Wedding Cakes" added to Commandments
 
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Kerry Blames "Extended Iran Negotiations" on "Urinating in Public" Charge
Kerry Blames "Extended Iran Negotiations" on "Urinating in Public" Charge
 
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Study: Republican Party Dropped on Head As Child
Study: Republican Party Dropped on Head as Child
 
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Discord Videos
Zano V Rhythm
Zano v Rhythm
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A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
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 Westboro Baptist Church Vs. the Daily Discord and GOD
 S.T.Q. EP 2: the Ghosts of Oatman
 The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
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Decrepit Discord
 Ayatollah Adamant Iran: "Not Seeking Bomb"
 Rand Paul Requests: "That List of Crazy Shit I Have to Say to Win Primary"
 The Civil Wrong Movement
 Ted Cruz Compares Himself to Galileo
 Caliphates and Terror and Russian Bears, Oh My!
 Only 595 Days Until Hillary
 Chimpanzees Now Capable of Legislating
 Spring Is in the Err
 Six Climbers Missing After Attempting to Scale Bill O'Reilly's Ego
 Congress Takes Aim at Last Functional Aspects of Government
 NASA Agrees to Ignore Climate Change If Cruz Agrees to One-Way Mars Mission Reality Show
 My Shitty Kids
 Stephen Hawking Names Daily Discord "Greatest Threat to Mankind"
 The AM Radio Circus: Fire-Breathing Clowns Juggling Elephant Poo
 Boehner Orders Cooler Do-Nothing-Congress Chair
 Florida Bans Words ‘Climate Change’ in Favor of ‘Tidal Terrorism’
 47 GOP Senators: Treason or Just a Felony?
 Harrison Ford's Explanation Raises More Questions
 Music Is Still Free!
 How Is ISIS Radicalizing Our Children?
 A Couple of Quick Points
 Netanyhu Follows up Famous "Bomb" Diagram With "Iran Plan"
 Brevity Is the Soul of Wit so I Will Keep This Rebuttal Under Twenty Pages
 Obama Apologizes to Netanyahu for Adjacent Firework Display/Rock Drummer Tryouts
 Final Solution for Harry Reid's Eye Troubles Unveiled
 That Which We Call a Radical by Any Other Name
 To Refute Global Warming Senator Pulls Testicle Off Defenseless Snowman
 Scott Walker Has "No Idea Where All This Blood Came From"
 How Did the GOP Become Such Koch Suckers?
 Manmade Vs God-Given Rights
 As Keystone XL Bill Approaches GOP "Outraged" by Obama Pun Prank
 Our ‘Unalienable Rights’ Have Nothing to Do With Ancient Aliens, Zano
 Niagara Fails: Man's Attempt to Go Over Falls in Igloo Ends Badly
 Mysterious Martian Haze Identified
 New Psychedelic Drug Shows Promise for Unicorn Research
 Farewell Jon Stewart, You Propaganda Spewing Buffoon!
 Southwestern Drought Threatens Sheriff Joe’s Waterboarding
 50 Shades of Grey Crayons Are a Marketing Bust
 The Koch Brothers Solve Donor Summit Dilemma
 Republicans Can Have High IQs Too, WTF?
 After Six Months of Bombing Shit Out of ISIS Obama Requests Authorization to Bomb Shit Out of ISIS
 Integral Thought Doesn’t Have a Prayer
 Man Fakes Seizure at Restaurant After Tip App Fails
 White House Lawn Drone "Acted on Own"
 9/11 Was an In-Saudi Job!
 Japan to Release Monster-X on ISIS
 Romney Out: "I'm Determined to Pave Way for an Even Less Viable Candidate"
 Arizona’s Wall to Nowhere
 Is the GOP Losing Their Midterm Erection?
 Paranormal Entities Sue Discord Over Rights Infringements
 A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
 Boehner Breaches Protocol Again!
 Discord Captures Essence of Netanyahu Visit
 Judge Sentences Michelle to Four Semesters of Her Own School Menu
 Climate Stability and Conservative Thought: What Are Two Things Not Happening
 Zano Deciphers Trickle-Down Economics
 The Kennedy Center Nominees Looked Like a Strange Bunch This Year
 With New Romney Campaign Comes New Approach to the 47%
 Please Don’t Bring the Shit-Show Here
 Reality Show Package Deals Now Available!
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