Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 1, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

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The Hand of God
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Glenn Beck and the Emperor's New Caliphate
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

During my last post I never reached the Promised Land: the heralded 2nd interesting Republican prediction of the 21st century. This one comes in the form of Glenn Beck’s Caliphate. Beck’s obviously referencing a group of AM radio hosts who hope to expand their current syndicated stations to one day span from the tip of Alaska to the tip of Florida—wait, that’ll be underwater. Never mind.


The Civil Wrong Movement
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

The point from my last feature that Zano continues to ignore is how Beck recognized that "yes" radical Islam was getting out of hand. He did this as our President was doing victory dances, pulling troops out of the Middle East, and calling the Islamic radicals "the JV Team". Obama has a host of actions that make little sense when one considers the context of the rise of a terrorist network, globally peddling their wares. Kora-Amway?


Caliphates and Terror and Russian Bears, Oh My!
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Lately I’ve been getting complaints about the length of my posts, which is better than the usual "stop blogging, asshole!" comments to which I have grown so accustomed. In the interest of compromise I came up with a short topic. Let’s discuss those scant events our conservative friends have predicted accurately in the 21st century. It’s pathetic vs. prophetic today, here in the spooflands.


Chimpanzees Now Capable of Legislating
Chimpanzees Now Capable of Legislating

New research conducted by Primates-R-Us Laboratories suggests chimpanzees have acquired all of the necessary skills to become Congressmen. Chimpanzees learned to dress in suits while filming movies during the 1950’s – 60’s. They have also learned to respond to anything the alpha chimpanzee is doing simply by flinging feces. Now, some primates are proficient at both flinging feces and having affairs with their interns. Many scientists believe this is the last skill that separates primates from politicians.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Lube said, "We are watching evolution occur. In this case, it’s really more about evolutions converging as chimps are evolving and Congress is devolving. So essentially they were bound to meet."


Congress Takes Aim at Last Functional Aspects of Government
Congress Takes Aim at Last Functional Aspects of Government

Washington, DC—Senator Mitch McConnell unveiled his plan to "break the last of the shit that’s still working" while on Meat Depress earlier today. The republican leader believes his party can accomplish this important non-task by the end of Obama’s tenor. "By not actually doing anything," said McConnell, "and by leaving the Capitol Building mid-session, it not only increases the likelihood of a republican president in 2016, but it also increases my own hourly wage, tenfold."

When asked about blocking Loretta Lynch’s Attorney General nomination, McConnell said, "I was prepared to support the Loretta Lynn nomination, after all, I love Coal Miner’s Daughter. Who doesn’t? In fact, I love all things country and all things coal. But then this black woman, who can’t sing a lick, walks into the room. I was mortified."


My Shitty Kids
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Raising children is tough. It's a pretty thankless job. Do my kids ever thank me for all the stuff I've done for them over the years? Heck no. I mean, I change their diapers, buy them food and clothes, lose hours of sleep while they cry all night, help them with their stupid school projects ... it's wasted YEARS of my life. But I'm not bitter.


The AM Radio Circus: Fire-Breathing Clowns Juggling Elephant Poo
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I do occasionally get trapped somewhere in the southwest without adequate music, or company, or radio stations. I have therefore occasionally dabbled in the AM radio arts. For about an hour between Phoenix and Casa Grande I was double-teamed by Rush Limbaugh and Dennis Prager. I was really shocked by their level of revisionist history. I have no expectations for Republicans, particularly of the AM-radio variety, so how did they manage slip below my nil expectations? Just schmucky, I guess.

Study: Republican Party Dropped on Head As Child
Study: Republican Party Dropped on Head as Child
 
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Ayatollah Adamant Iran: "Not Seeking Bomb"
Ayatollah Adamant Iran: "Not Seeking Bomb", Offers the U.S. unprecedented "double pinky promise."
Offers the U.S. unprecedented "double pinky promise."
 
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Rand Paul Requests: "That List of Crazy Shit I Have to Say to Win Primary"
Rand Paul Requests: "That List of Crazy Shit I have to Say to Win Primary"
 
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Ted Cruz Compares Himself to Galileo
Ted Cruz Compares Himself to Galileo, NASA to attempt to land Ted Cruz on passing comet
NASA to attempt to land Ted Cruz on passing comet
 
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Only 595 Days Until Hillary
Only 595 Days Until Hillary
 
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Spring Is in the Err
Spring is in the Err
 
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Six Climbers Missing After Attempting to Scale Bill O'Reilly's Ego
Six Climbers Missing After Attempting to Scale Bill O'Reilly's Ego
 
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Dated Discord
Florida Bans Words ‘Climate Change’ in Favor of ‘Tidal Terrorism’
Florida Bans Words ‘Climate Change’ in Favor of ‘Tidal Terrorism’

Miami, Fla— The Department of Environmental Protection is banning their employees from the words ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming.’ Always ready to create a better life through relabeling, conservatives are rethinking their strategy to fight Mother Nature. The Governor of Florida, Rick Scott, explained, "You can say any of those words but just not together. You can say, like, the climate is warm today and I have to change into shorts. Stuff like that is fine. We just need to keep some distance between those politically charged words."

When asked, "Why?" the Governor explained, "I do not approve of Obama’s handling of radical Islam, but this model can actually work when addressing coastal flooding. Why needlessly radicalize countless otherwise moderate water molecules? Water is harmless unless it coordinates and gathers into great radicalized waves. Tidal terrorism might just be one of the greatest threats our country faces. Oceanic extremists threaten our very way of life here and what is Florida without our bitches? Sorry, I mean beaches."


Music Is Still Free!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Anyone remember how CDs are indestructible? How about the scene in Back to the Future 2 where Marty's in an alley and there's the huge stacks of old CDs waiting to be junked? Anyone remember portable turntables? Not the kiddie close-n-play kind, the name-brand ones that cost $200. Listen to your LPs in the car! On the beach! Take 'em to the office! ("Did you bring ‘Master of Reality’? Biiitchin', crank it.") Absurd, right?


A Couple of Quick Points
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I hate to get sucked into these debate things between Zano and McDooris, but there are a couple of things that need to be said.


Brevity Is the Soul of Wit so I Will Keep This Rebuttal Under Twenty Pages
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Calling them radicals won’t help, Pokey. Sure they’re a dangerously brainwashed, apocalyptic death-cult but why anger them or, worse, draw more zealots to their banner? They could still win the presidency in 2016. Oh... who did you think I was talking about? Suffice to say, Obama is insisting on a sensible narrative to address this brewing clash of civilizations. I realize republicana banned ‘sensible’ long ago, but thankfully Obama is not taking his working orders from our own fundamentalists. Charge of the Right Brigade? Foxward Christian Soldier? The Ted Cruzades? I’m being told to stop.


Obama Apologizes to Netanyahu for Adjacent Firework Display/Rock Drummer Tryouts
Obama Apologizes to Netanyahu for Adjacent Firework Display/Rock Drummer Tryouts

Washington, DC—Obama sent his sincerest apologies to Benjamin Netanyhu after his speech to congress was plagued with explosions and endless drumming. The Rotunda room, the room located directly in front of where the Israeli Prime Minister gave his speech, had two simultaneous events. Someone had double-booked punk drummer tryouts and a 4th of July "practice" display.

Obama told the press, "We are looking into how this could have happened. Whoever double booked two such important events will be hearing from me personally, or at least a personalized text from me sent by my Secretary of Texting. I could barely hear the drummers over the firework display. This simply will not do. The buck stops here and, as a direct result, I have decided to relinquish command in 2016. Mostly."


That Which We Call a Radical by Any Other Name
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Some random thoughts struck me this week, Zano, like squirrels on water skis, honey badger, and that hot barista over at Starbucks. Then some relevant thoughts struck me, but, since you have no answers, I thought I would list them all in an attempt to continue to annoy the crap out of you. First off, stop the placating! Start to join the voices condemning Islam as irrational, hateful, and just plain wrong. Quit encouraging these bullies and let's start our own academic Jihad! Then more squirrels on water skis.


Scott Walker Has "No Idea Where All This Blood Came From"
Scott Walker Has "No Idea Where All this Blood Came From"

Milwaukee, WI—The Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, is trying to explain why he stumbled into a press conference covered in blood earlier today. Initial reports suggest the Governor entered the room clutching the still-beating heart of a known political enemy.

"I’m not sure what happened, but I do take Ambien," said Governor Walker. "So it might be a sleep walker side effect thing. One thing I can say for sure, this is not a zombie thing. That’s a different kind of walker. I’ve watched that show. It’s gross. Screw those dead beats anyway, always looking for a handout, or just a hand. No, I kill for sport...no wait, I kill for other reasons more in line with The Bible and this great nation. Oh, and I still want to be President. Hey, but I did use a gun...initially."

NASA Agrees to Ignore Climate Change If Cruz Agrees to One-Way Mars Mission Reality Show
NASA Agrees to Ignore Climate Change if Cruz Agrees to One-Way Mars Mission Reality Show
 
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Stephen Hawking Names Daily Discord "Greatest Threat to Mankind"
Stephen Hawking Names Daily Discord "Greatest Threat to Mankind"
 
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Boehner Orders Cooler Do-Nothing-Congress Chair
Boehner Orders Cooler Do-Nothing-Congress Chair, House of Turds Action Figures Sold Separately
House of Turds Inaction Figures Sold Separately
 
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47 GOP Senators: Treason or Just a Felony?
47 GOP Senators: Treason or Just a Felony? Either way we can take their guns. Quickly, to the Batshit Signal!
Either way we can take their guns. Quickly, to the Batshit Signal!
 
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Harrison Ford's Explanation Raises More Questions
Harrison Ford's Explanation Raises More Questions; In Related News: Han Flies So Low He Crashes into Golf Course
In Related News: Han Flies So Low He Crashes into Golf Course
 
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How Is ISIS Radicalizing Our Children?
How Is ISIS Radicalizing Our Children? The Charles Schultz Foundation lawsuit now pending. Go figure.
The Charles Schultz Foundation lawsuit now pending. Go figure.
 
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Netanyhu Follows up Famous "Bomb" Diagram With "Iran Plan"
Netanyhu Follows up Famous "Bomb" Diagram with "Iran Plan", Warner Brothers is now in litigation with the country of Israel
Warner Brothers is now in litigation with the country of Israel
 
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A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
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Westboro Baptist Church Vs. the Daily Discord and GOD
Westboro Baptist Church Vs. The Daily Discord and GOD
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