Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
May 30, 2015
I GAVE UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT FOR LENT • OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON POISONOUS FLORIDA CATERPILLAR • PELOSI: REPUBLICANS ENDANGER CIVILIZATION • ZANO: PELOSI HAS RARE, ACCURATE STATEMENT • WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SEND SHIT FOR THIS MARQUEE/TICKER THING, ZANO! JESUS, WHAT AM I NOT PAYING YOU FOR? —PIERCE WINSLOW • OBAMA ADMITS TO SPENDING ALL NATION'S FLEX-FUNDS ON GOLF, STARBUCKS AND BEER • CONGRESS APPROVES BILL TO...HA HA HAH! KIDDING! CONGRESS DOESN’T APPROVE BILLS •
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The Chronicles of Jack Primus Book 1
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Buy Jack Primus NOW!!!
During Memorial Day Speech Obama Chooses to Honor Those on Welfare
During Memorial Day Speech Obama Chooses to Honor Those on Welfare

Arlington, VA—President Obama created quite the shit-storm today after a speech that many are calling "really bad." Obama never mentioned the military during his 34 minute speech, but he did mention himself 23 times and Obamacare 12 times. This omission of anything relevant to those lost in battle is being considered a snub by military personnel and their families.

Obama looked almost jovial as he said, "Let’s not forget those who made the ultimate sacrifice, their paychecks, so that I could personally—or at least indirectly through government programs—support them for their braveness throughout their lifespans."


Cluttered White House Lawn Becoming Impossible to Mow
Cluttered White House Lawn Becoming Impossible to Mow

Washington, DC—The head grounds keeper of the White House and "dreamer", Enrique Rodriguez, is about to walk off the job as landscaping 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is becoming increasingly hazardous. Enrique is absolutely sick of breaking weed whackers on parts of drones and having his mowers constantly clogged with Secret Service condoms.

Enrique explained, "Over by the Visitor’s Pavilion my weed whacker kicked up a condom that knocked an unmanned drone right out of the air. That’s not the bad part. Then the drone spun out of control and took out an azalea planted by Lady Bird Johnson." When asked about the worst offenders, Enrique said, "The fence jumpers are definitely the worst. Those bastards are killing more pansies than ISIS and Putin combined!"


Points: Why Republicans Don’t Seem to Make Any
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The only thing Pokey and I can agree on these days is how we both speak different languages. Ich habe es dir gesagt, Herr Pokey! My friends list of top concerns is, in and of itself, very concerning. In 2015 we can all do better than conspiracy theories wrapped in delusion. Crappetizers? There’s clearly some stuff worth hashing out from his last post. Speaking of which, hopefully that "candy" will come in handy during this endeavor.


Argumentative Deficiencies and the Zano Doctrine
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

All right, Zano, it's time for me to present a quarterly assessment all your logical fallacies and argumentative deficiencies. This should give you another ideal opportunity to avoid, distract, and otherwise dance around the principled points and positions—namely mine—in the guise of something that remotely resembles humor. You’re funny, Zano, but not "Ha, Ha" funny.


These Are Not the Drones You Are Looking For
By Mick Zano
These Are Not the Drones You Are Looking For
Mick Zano

Most Americans don’t approve of drone strikes. In fact, they’re less popular than Congress. Kidding, nothing is less popular than Congress, unless the poll asked: would you approve of a drone strike on your current location, right now? But even then it’s still within the statistical margin of error.  I have supported drone strikes here on The Discord but only because Mr. Winslow keeps denying my "business" expenses.


The Captain & Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Prescott, AZ—1970s pop stars The Captain & Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple's Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage. The Discord is only posting this now because our site admin is still reeling from the news.


Too Big to Debate: Pokey V Zano V Mayweather
By Mick Zano and Pokey McDooris
Mick Zano

The following is an email exchange between two Discord contributors, Pokey McDooris and yours truly, Mick Zano. I admit I added the conclusion after the email exchange, because I’m a terrible person. Life isn’t fair, Pokey:

Pokey: I've been thinking about it, Zano. What's the difference between Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders?

Zano: Benghazi?

Pokey: No, the answer is honesty.

Authenticity of Discord Star Wars Trailer Questioned
Authenticity of Discord Star Wars Trailer Questioned
 
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Legends and Lies Airs on Fox
Legends and Lies Airs on Fox, Finally, a title that captures O’Reilly’s essence
Finally, a title that captures O’Reilly’s essence
 
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Another Day, Another Discord Retraction
 Another Day, Another Discord Retraction
 
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Jurassic Cluck?
Jurassic Cluck?
 
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Godzilla No Longer Willing to Fight ISIS
Is the King of the Monsters soft on terror?
Is the King of the Monsters soft on terror?
 
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The Bush's Plundered & Pruned the Hedges of Many Small Villages!
The Bush's Plundered & Pruned the Hedges of Many Small Villages!
 
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Jeb Wants Everyone to Know He'd Make the Same Mistakes As Hillary
Jeb Wants Everyone to Know He'd Make the Same Mistakes as Hillary, Thankfully not as many people lost their lives during the Iraq War as Benghazi
Thankfully not as many people lost their lives during the Iraq War as Benghazi
 
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Dated Discord
Nepalese Man Found From 1934 Earthquake
Nepalese Man Found from 1934 Earthquake

Nepal—A 98-year-old Nepalese man, Siddhartha Horowitz, is relieved to be back in his home today after spending the last 81 years pinned under a collapsed building in Nepal. Siddhartha’s home was reduced to rubble by an 8.0 magnitude earthquake that struck the region in 1934, but he was rescued during the earthquake that struck the same region just last week.

Siddhartha was glad to see his home completely rebuilt, in a different place, by people he doesn’t know. He soon learned, however, his wife started seeing other earthquake victims ages ago and is believed to have run off to join the Nepalese circus. Sid was relieved to finally be out of the 4 by 7 space he’d been trapped in for the last eight decades and was eager to catch up on the latest antics of the Kardashians.


I Got Another Letter From Bozell the Clown
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Brent Bozell is both a Fox News Contributor and the head of the Media Research Center. Last year, against my better judgment, I joined his merry little band of memes. His website helps the politically insane keep up with all the horrible atrocities liberals are perpetrating on good, decent Americans. You know like smoking pot, drinking beer, and graduating colleges, often simultaneously. Multi-flasking?


American Psychological Association Insists "Torturers Strictly Adhered to All A.P.A. Formatting"
American Psychological Association Insists "Torturers Strictly Adhered to all A.P.A. Formatting"

Washington, DC—Further evidence is mounting that the American Psychological Association (A.P.A) collaborated with the Bush Administration and the C.I.A. to develop enhanced interrogation techniques, which later came to be known as: Operation: We Tortured Some Folks.

The A.P.A. is now on the defensive about their role in torturing people at Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, and that Organizational Psychology conference in San Diego. A psychologist who helped develop the Patriotic Torture Program (PTP), James Mitchell, said he is confident that "All torture reports written during that period strictly maintained a high standard of A.P.A. formatting (Johnson, A., Peter, A. (2003), pp. 198–215)."


All Your Marijuana Predictions Are Going to Pot
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The War on Drugs is ending but not fast enough. Why does it take so long to end republican policies? ...uh, maybe because we keep voting for these jokers. Sorry Matt Drudge, but highlighting every pot-related incident from Legalandia will not change the overall trends, namely that the economies of those states are improving as overall crime levels and use-rates plateau. On a related note, why is the half-life of all of our right-wing bullshit greater than Plutonium? AM Radio Isodopes?


Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production
By Alex Bone
Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Daily Discord film crew was forced to push back the start date of their soon to be Oscar nominated epic "Belch of the Mogollon Monster." The latest S.T.Q. blockbuster was slated to be filmed on location in scenic Picture Canyon, conveniently located just outside of Flagstaff, but less than a week before the shoot the site was closed due to an infestation of plague-bearing fleas.


The GOP: Insight Out
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Have you noticed how our republican friends feel increasingly vindicated lately? No matter what each news cycle brings, it will only confirm their suspicions. Instead of countering all of their "points", it might be easier to just watch Fox News backwards. Barack Sabbath? Kidding, watching Fox backwards spells !izahgneB.


Zano V Rhythm
Zano v Rhythm
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Benghazi Investigation Shifts Focus to Big Rock Near Spain
Benghazi Investigation Shifts Focus to Big Rock Near Spain
 
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NFL "Outraged" by Discord Coverage of Deflategate
NFL "Outraged" by Discord Coverage of Deflategate
And angrier still after our Very Brady Shit List episode
 
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Captain America Born in Cuba?!
Captain America Born in Cuba?! Explains the outfit. He says the A on helmet stands for Agozar his favorite Cuban bistro.
Explains the outfit. He says the A on helmet stands for Agozar his favorite Cuban bistro.
 
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Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore
Brick and Projectile Stands Popping up Across Baltimore

Baltimore, MD—Some savvy Baltimore entrepreneurs are taking advantage of the angry gangs roaming freely through their streets. Debris Stands, as they have come to be called, are now on almost every corner from Rosemont to Westport.

One business owner, Ed Stanko, is selling bricks to rioters from his own burned-out storefront. "I feel like a real American today. I’m helping the police bring the people who torched my business to justice, while also making money by arming the mob to fight the police. Now I know how Dick Cheney must feel."


Letterman STILL Saying Goodbye Somewhere in New Zealand!
 Letterman STILL Saying Goodbye Somewhere in New Zealand! World requests he reduce farewell to Tweet form.
World requests he reduce farewell to Tweet form.
 
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BP: Tar Balls in Gulf Now "Fun Size"
BP: Tar Balls in Gulf Now "Fun Size"
 
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Priorities Meat Flagstaff
Priorities Meat Flagstaff
 
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Discord Videos
Zano V Rhythm
Zano v Rhythm
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A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
A Slow News Day at Discord Headquarters
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 Westboro Baptist Church Vs. the Daily Discord and GOD
 S.T.Q. EP 2: the Ghosts of Oatman
 The Final Final Ending of S.T.Q Episode 1
 The Exciting Conclusion of Search Truth Quest: Ep 1
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 U.S. Convinces Iran to Turn Nuke Program Into Brewery
 Let's Give Zano Partial Credit on This One
 Cosby’s Giving Me a Woody
 Colorado's First Pot Related Fatality
 20% of All Colorado Pot Diverted to Make Last Old Spice Commercial
 Cheney Yells "This Is Torture!" Before Strangling Kitten
 Aaron Hernandez Sentenced to One Date With Jodi Arias
 Dear GOP, What Is Your Infatuation With People Who Are Always Wrong?
 Research: Hunting With AK47s Helped Early Humans Outsmart Neanderthals
 Say Hello to the Third Amigo!
 Cruz to Redirect NASA Funds to "Global Space Fence"
 Since the Government Has My Dic Pics...
 Hipsters
 God Claims Responsibility for Devastating Tornado
 From Common Core to Common CAIR
 Western Breweries Fight Drought With New Extra Dry IPA
 Kerry Blames "Extended Iran Negotiations" on "Urinating in Public" Charge
 Study: Republican Party Dropped on Head As Child
 Glenn Beck and the Emperor's New Caliphate
 Ayatollah Adamant Iran: "Not Seeking Bomb"
 Rand Paul Requests: "That List of Crazy Shit I Have to Say to Win Primary"
 The Civil Wrong Movement
 Ted Cruz Compares Himself to Galileo
 Caliphates and Terror and Russian Bears, Oh My!
 Only 595 Days Until Hillary
 Chimpanzees Now Capable of Legislating
 Spring Is in the Err
 Six Climbers Missing After Attempting to Scale Bill O'Reilly's Ego
 Congress Takes Aim at Last Functional Aspects of Government
 NASA Agrees to Ignore Climate Change If Cruz Agrees to One-Way Mars Mission Reality Show
 My Shitty Kids
 Stephen Hawking Names Daily Discord "Greatest Threat to Mankind"
 The AM Radio Circus: Fire-Breathing Clowns Juggling Elephant Poo
 Boehner Orders Cooler Do-Nothing-Congress Chair
 Florida Bans Words ‘Climate Change’ in Favor of ‘Tidal Terrorism’
 47 GOP Senators: Treason or Just a Felony?
 Harrison Ford's Explanation Raises More Questions
 Music Is Still Free!
 How Is ISIS Radicalizing Our Children?
 A Couple of Quick Points
 Netanyhu Follows up Famous "Bomb" Diagram With "Iran Plan"
 Brevity Is the Soul of Wit so I Will Keep This Rebuttal Under Twenty Pages
 Obama Apologizes to Netanyahu for Adjacent Firework Display/Rock Drummer Tryouts
 Final Solution for Harry Reid's Eye Troubles Unveiled
 That Which We Call a Radical by Any Other Name
 To Refute Global Warming Senator Pulls Testicle Off Defenseless Snowman
 Scott Walker Has "No Idea Where All This Blood Came From"
 How Did the GOP Become Such Koch Suckers?
 Manmade Vs God-Given Rights
 As Keystone XL Bill Approaches GOP "Outraged" by Obama Pun Prank
 Our ‘Unalienable Rights’ Have Nothing to Do With Ancient Aliens, Zano
 Niagara Fails: Man's Attempt to Go Over Falls in Igloo Ends Badly
 Mysterious Martian Haze Identified
 New Psychedelic Drug Shows Promise for Unicorn Research
 Farewell Jon Stewart, You Propaganda Spewing Buffoon!
 Southwestern Drought Threatens Sheriff Joe’s Waterboarding
 50 Shades of Grey Crayons Are a Marketing Bust
 The Koch Brothers Solve Donor Summit Dilemma
 Republicans Can Have High IQs Too, WTF?
 After Six Months of Bombing Shit Out of ISIS Obama Requests Authorization to Bomb Shit Out of ISIS
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