Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 23, 2014
OCD MEETUP GROUP TO MEET AT 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM. 7PM, 8PM, 9PM, 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM, 2AM..........(MARQUEE BUFFERING) • AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." •
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Betty Ford Center
Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Atheism Is Dead: Don’t Believe the Unbelievers
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Pinning down your logical fallacies, Zano, is like playing Whack-a-Mole with a Q-tip, on acid, while surfin’ the web on an outdated Blackberry, while trying to sign up for Obamacare—early on in the enrollment period—and throw in some more acid...but worse.


New Theory of T-Rex Anatomy Emerges
New Theory of T-Rex Anatomy Emerges

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Buffalo Wings, has posited an entirely new theory regarding the anatomical structure of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dr. Hogbein believes these impressive creatures still roam the Earth, "every time I mix salvia and happy hour well-drinks."

The image (above) was originally sent to the Paleontological Institute in Ithaca, NY, after being scrawled across a bar coaster from nearby Ithaca Brewing Company. World renowned T-Rexpert, Dr. Robert Bakker, did not return our calls so we contacted the actor who played the paleontologist in those Jurassic Park films. And now we have another restraining order.

Despite a wave of mounting ridicule, Dr. Hogbein is not backing off his theory. "I know what I saw after last call in Ithaca, in that alley, after ingesting massive quantities of illict substances. And if I ever see that grungy shit show of a homeless person, I promise to [CENSORED]."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "I love Ithaca Brewing Company! I even wore one of their T-shirts during our last news bulletin. What was the question again?"

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GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia
GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia

Narnia—As the bad news for Obamacare lessens the GOP is searching farther from home for controversy. They are now turning their attention to Narnia. Three fauns allegedly spent weeks on the exchanges trying to get healthcare before being devoured by a dragon. In another instance, a centaur could only get the human part of his body covered medically, because the legislation failed to foresee coverage complications for human-animal hybrids (HAH!).

"This is further proof of a failed policy," said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. "Obamacare is not only wrecking our world, but this law is starting to impact the lives of creatures across the multiverse. Something I, and many others in my party, accurately foresaw. Besides, why should my hard earned tax dollar go to the healthcare of some talking badger in the first place?!"

Enrollment data suggests not enough young and healthy mythical creatures are signing up in the exchanges, which could impact premiums in 2015. Also, numerous dwarves, some as old as 150, are being wrongly designated as children so remain covered under their parents.

Mr. Obama responded earlier today by saying, "There were many inherent challenges signing up folks from Narnia. There was no existing infrastructure there so all applications were done by hand, and as a result many of our volunteers were eaten. This will not stop our plans to expand coverage of the Affordable Care Act to Middle-Earth by 2015."

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Toast, It’s What’s for Climate
By Mick Zano
Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?


Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! or Thereabouts
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! Or Thereabouts
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GOP Frontrunner to Begin Tour With Eastwood’s Chair
GOP Frontrunner to Begin Tour with Eastwood’s Chair

Newport, KY—The GOP is still reeling from the House Majority leader’s recent condemnation of his party’s own think tanks. Republican frontrunner, Rand Paul, is now in damage control. With The GOP fast becoming the anti-intellectual party, Paul felt the need to round an important metaphorical corner. So his campaign resolved to tour with the chair that appeared next to Clint Eastwood during the 2008 Republican Primaries.

Rand Paul claims the decision to tour with the inanimate object was a "surprisingly easy one". Paul told reporters today, "What was everyone talking about after those primaries? That chair. More than anything else, folks were talking about that chair. That chair crossed political lines and captured the hearts and minds of America. More than science, more than math, more than data, we need a symbol in this country, and I believe that chair could be our next Liberty Bell, only in chair form."

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Cuban Twitter Crisis?

Havana, CU—Cuba is hailing a clear victory today after a ceasefire was called for all hostile Tweets between the U.S. and Cuba. Communist controlled Cuba claims the U.S. has inadvertently triggered the Twitter Wars in a crass attempt to undermine their government. Since Cuba has declared victory Republicans are jumping on Obama for his lack of social site prowess.

 

RNC
@GOP
As usual Obama is bringing his MySpace to a Twitter fight. #obamaIsNoKennedy
10 minutes ago
 
6 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

Here’s what transpired on Twitter earlier today:

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Stop the Tweet Wars now! Good oceans make good neighbors #justSayin
9 minutes ago
 
26 Retweets 12 Favorites

 

The White House
@whiteHouse
OMG! LOL! So cute, Cuba can now use hashtags. #justSayin
8 minutes ago
 
14 Retweets 9 Favorites

 

Cuba Feeds
@cubafeeds
Uhh, and we have better hash too. #tagYoureShit
7 minutes ago
 
3 Retweets 2 Favorites

 

“The shroud of the social site has fallen. Begun the Tweet War has.”

—Yoda D’Kana

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Colorado Annexes Nearby Circle-K's
Colorado Annexes Nearby Circle-K's

Farmington, NM—In the aftermath of the celebrations of 4/20, Colorado fell dangerously low on snack foods. At 3PM the state’s Governor, John Hickenlooper, called a state of emergency by sending a frantic message to Washington, "Hey, like dude, like...heh, heh. FOOD!!"

The shortage became so acute that by early evening waves of Coloradans poured over the borders en masse, overwhelming convenient store snack aisles in adjacent states. By midnight dozens of Circle-Ks were held hostage to the throngs of munch-crazed hooligans.

"It was like a swarm of smelly hipster locust," said a convenience store owner from nearby Springfield, "I was not initially opposed to this ‘freeing of the seed’ but now I wonder if it is too much of a good thing. I only escaped after turning the slushie machine on high. Those Rocky Mountain Hijackers are still watching the pretty colors spin."

Next 4/20 many convenient stores surrounding Colorado plan to stock up on extra hemp dogs, roach chips, and ding bongs so this never happens again.

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Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance Will Interfere With My Medicaid and Food Stamps."
Former Yahoo COO: "$58-Million Severance will interfere with my Medicaid and Food Stamps." De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
De Castro also urging Obama to extend unemployment benefits to one percent.
 
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Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him
Obama Finally Has Putin Where He Wants Him, You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
You know what the new Cold War needs? Ferns…and maybe some throw pillows.
 
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While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi
While Searching for Malaysian Flight GOP Finds Next Benghazi, And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
And the cool thing is, it makes more sense
 
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Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016
Jeb Bush V Hillary Clinton 2016, Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
Hope they’re not flying American with those stricter weight limits.
 
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New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find Where They Left Their Car Keys
New Alzheimer’ Research Helps Mice Find where they Left their Car Keys, The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
The implications are profound, or at least that’s what we keep telling our funders.
 
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Sebelius Escorted Out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent
Sebelius Escorted out of Hearing by Rocky the Rollout Rodent, I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
I'd say we'd miss you Kathleen, but...Oops this is embarrassing. Please visit our website later.
 
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Dated Discord
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President
Jeb Bush Unveils Family Tree Showing No Relation to Former President

Coral Gables, Fl—Former Governor of Florida and presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has proposed a new family tree suggesting he is in no way related to his brother, George W. Bush. The news came as quite a surprise to the rest of the Bush family, who always felt there was some relation between the two siblings.

"As you can clearly see from this graph," said Bush, "...uh, that Mick Zano Photoshopped onto a Holiday Inn conference room wall behind me (throat clear), that I am in no way related to my brother, George. In fact, Ancestry.com recently sent me a letter urging me to send back the leaf that represents George on my family tree. It’s all part of some massive ancestral-relational recall thing. It’s really complicated stuff involving quantum lineage, genealogical anomalies, and vodka spritzers. Bottom line, he’s not my real brother. It all makes perfect sense, I mean, the rest of the Bush’s can read and write."

Barbara Bush, the mother of at least one of the brothers, said, "I’m happy for Jeb, because he now has a promising political future, but I’m sad for George, who only paints now...well, it’s coloring really as the outlines are already on the page. He stays in the lines, though, which is better than he did in office."

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Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program
Stones Used to Pelt Border Agents Linked to Obama Rock Running Program

U.S./Mexico Border—Under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, rock attacks on our border agents have only increased. Such attacks are endangering our border patrol agents, but new evidence suggests these Weapons of Metamorphic Destruction are American in origin. The tracking of rocks started under President Clinton, but the Obama Administration and Homeland Security expanded this ill-fated program. Now it is believed many of the rocks that injured our border agents were part of a program known as Blast and Igneous designed to track pointy rocks as they travel back to Mexican drug cartels.

Arizona Senator John McCain said, "These rocks were all accounted for under republican leadership, but under Obama they’re now painting crude numbers on the bottom and then hoping for the best. It’s criminal negligence. These rocks are now scattered all over the border region. Does the government know where all these rocks are? Does Obama know where all these rocks are?" McCain is the ranking member of the Senate Subcommittee on Pointy and Potentially Lethal Projectiles (PPLP).

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, told the press, "Obama has not been sedimentary on this issue, so he doesn’t give a schist about more republican mudstone slinging. So start making gneiss. Get it, gneiss?"

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Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.


Crying in the Grocery Store Coffee Shop
By Pokey McDooris
Pokey McDooris

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to "dismantle my arguments." Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.


Archeologist Dates Great Pyramid of Vegas to 1991 AD
Archeologist Dates Great Pyramid of Vegas to 1991 AD

Las Vegas, NV—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, believes Ancient Veganitians built the 15-story casino hotel for the sole purpose of human sacrifice.  Using astronomical and archeological techniques, Dr. Hogbein has dated the massive Las Vegas structure to early 1991—more specifically, construction began between Nirvana’s music video Smells Like Teen Spirit and Weird Al Yankovich’s video spoof of Nirvana’s work, Smells Like Nirvana.

With only a ladder to aid him, Dr. Hogbein attempted to decipher the ancient obelisk that stands before the mighty structure.  However, his efforts were soon thwarted by hotel security, who immediately escorted him off the premises. 

Dr. Hogbein claims, "Hundreds of thousands of victims were sacrificed to the ‘Serpent of Chance’ (Gamblycoatl), as well as the ‘One Armed Bandits’ (Slottakayaloot)."

These ancient gamblers were repeatedly beaten with black jacks and spun on diabolical torture devices known as Roulette Wheels.  Hogbein also posits that, despite their name, Veganitians were carnivores.  By combing the entire sewer system under the ancient structure, Hogbein discovered a menu that apparently had meat listed on it.

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The Manchurian Gutter Ball
By Pokey McDooris

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack...and he bowled a 77?


Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was "fact-light". I know, I know...you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

Support From Superheroes for This Site Waning
Support from Superheroes for this Site Waning
 
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And the Runner up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes To...
And the Runner Up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes to...Yes...we have worse this week.
Yes...we have worse this week.
 
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Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
Now an Important Summary of Charles Koch's Recent Wall Street Journal Diatribe
 
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Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
Should Terrorist Groups Improve Admission Standards?
 
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No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote That Fell Between the Cushions
No Plane yet but Searchers Find Earhart, Hoffa and the Remote that Fell Between the Cushions, Sadly, the 18 Minutes of Watergate Footage recovered is too soggy to restore
Sadly, the 18 minutes of Watergate footage recovered is too soggy to restore
 
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At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds
At Final Hour Healthcare.gov Tips Over Virtually Injuring Hundreds, Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
Rocky the Rollout Rodent to send personalized eCards to those eInjured
 
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Benghazi Hearings Cost More Than the Entire Secret Service's Bar Bill in 2013
Benghazi Hearings Cost More than the Entire Secret Service's Bar Bill in 2013, If we dump fiscal conservatism entirely, how much will it save us?
If we dump fiscal conservatism entirely, how much will it save us?
 
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Discord Videos
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! or Thereabouts
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! Or Thereabouts
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Discord's Daily Discharge
Discord's Daily Discharge
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 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
 The Lowell Observatory Incident: Putting the Ass Back Into Asstronomy
 Breaking News Into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism
 Startling Ineptness Haunts Discord Ghost Investigation!
More Videos...
Decrepit Discord
 High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case
 Venn Will They Listen? a Batshit Venn Diagram Takedown of the GOP
 Breaking: Europe Shifts All Armies to Iceland
 Committee Calls "Mulligan" on 2014 Winter Olympics
 New Evidence Emerges for Flight 370: the Plot Stiffens
 Your Pets Don't Love You
 Mitch McConnell "Man of Mystery" Meme Takes Net by Storm
 Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day
 And the Winner of the Dumbest Quote of the 21st Century Goes To...
 A Despondent Obama Last Seen Wandering Toward Columbia Heights
 How Obama Earned His 41% Approval Rating, or at Least Is Renting to Own
 Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?
 Mr. Smith "Nearly Done" Reading the Affordable Care Act
 Al Gore Releases More Ozone-Depleting Gases Into the Atmosphere
 Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives
 CPAC Run!
 U.S. Deploys Cast of Game of Thrones to Crimea
 I Didn’t Leave the Discord, the Discord Left Me: Oh, and I Didn’t Have Email
 Investigation Uncovers Problem With Sochi Opening Ceremony
 After "No Hell" Bomb, Pope Tweets "And the Bible's Kind of a Shit Show"
 And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes To...
 Star Trek V Space Case
 Discord Celebrates First Accurate GOP Prediction of 21st Century
 The Captain and Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice
 The 80's Called and They Want Their Bad Joke Back
 Arizona’s SB1062: Fabulous Ousts Crabulous
 Benghazi Isn’t a Scandal, It’s a Cry for Help
 Top 10 Guinness Pours in Tucson Revealed!
 On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud
 Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Five: NSA
 Disaster Strikes Last Day of Olympics
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Four: Benghazi
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Three: Obamacare
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part Two: Fast & Furious
 The Case for Obama's Impeachment, Part One: IRS
 Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up
 Satellite Confirms the Only Light in N. Korea Is a Motel 6
 Pope
 Deport Every Politician Thwarting Obama on Iran
 Market Crashes As Yellen Giggles and Farts Through Confirmation Hearing!
 93,000 Liters of Beer Are Lost Each Year in Facial Hair in the UK Alone
 Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values
 Discord's Daily Discharge
 Religion Added to DSM-V
 Reaganomics: Don't Let an Economist Tell You Different
 Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
 Haunted Tucson: the Hotel Congress
 Have You Spoken to Your Kids About Benghazi?
 A Confused Putin Pardons Justin Bieber
 Discord Super Game Coverage
 The Main Reason Republicans Will Lose the Future
 Hef and the Dead
 During SOTU Obama Mentioned Alimony 14 Times and Chardonnay 37 Times
 Rosetta Scandal: Obama’s Blunders Deciphered!
 Egypt Builds Cage for Prospective Leader...Just in Case
 God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax
 Obama Sells Arizona Back to Mexico
 ObamaCare Unveils New "Fun Size" Healthcare Enrollments
 As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"
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