Sarcastically Salving Society
Home of the Transcosmetic Party
A Place for Raging Moderates, Tragic Optimists, and Integral Outcasts
April 20, 2014
OCD MEETUP GROUP TO MEET AT 1PM, 2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM. 7PM, 8PM, 9PM, 10PM, 11PM, 12AM, 1AM, 2AM..........(MARQUEE BUFFERING) • AS SNEEZING DEATHS RISE IN 14 STATES, CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK LINKS BRUTAL ALLERGY SEASON TO OBAMACARE • AS PART OF A LIBERAL PLOY, COASTAL CITIES ACROSS THE GLOBE DUMPING BILLIONS INTO "CLIMATE CHANGE" FLOOD PREVENTION • DEPRESSION INCREASES CHANCE OF SADNESS IN COSTLY DISCORD STUDY • RETRACTION: OUR HEADLINE "MICK ZANO TO REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON" SHOULD HAVE READ "STEPHEN COLBERT TO REPLACE DAVID LETTERMAN" • FOX NEWS POLL: ONLY FOUR PEOPLE ON OBAMACARE AND THEY ALL HATE IT • FRANTIC MESSAGE FROM FLIGHT 370'S BLACK BOX, "BATTERY RUNNING LOW. PLEASE PLUG IN THE AC ADAPTER." •
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Presidential All Seeing Eye

Kiester Island

Khamenei Rork and Tattoo Ahmadinejad

Bill Clinton and his Asian Harem

Obama squares of with Gandalf the Gray over Health Care

Tactics to Draw Out Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan Questioned, Danish Mohammed cartoons for sale

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Moe-hammad
The Hand of God
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! or Thereabouts
Coming Soon! Summer of 2014! Or Thereabouts
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And the Runner up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes To...
And the Runner Up for the Worst Joke of the Week Goes to...Yes...we have worse this week.
Yes...we have worse this week.
 
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High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case
High End Vegas Carnies Make Compelling Pro-Marijuana Case, It should be a law that you have to watch The Beatles "Love" stoned
It should be a law that you have to watch The Beatles "Love" stoned
 
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Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day
Discord Staff Vows to Repeat the Mistakes of Last St. Patrick's Day, "Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
"Blog responsibly" —Mick Zano
 
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And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes To...
And the Tasteless Joke of the Year Goes to...
 
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On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud
On News of Death Zano Downplays Ramis/Discord Feud,
"Ramis was an inspiration to me, but don't hold that against him"
—Mick Zano
 
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Satellite Confirms the Only Light in N. Korea Is a Motel 6
Satellite Confirms the Only Light in N. Korea is a Motel 6
 
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Discord's Daily Discharge
Discord's Daily Discharge
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A Confused Putin Pardons Justin Bieber
A Confused Putin Pardons Justin Bieber

After consuming an extreme amount of vodka, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced his decision today to release Justin Bieber from an unspecified Gulag. Putin admits the young entertainer acted irresponsibly but would rather avoid the wide array of expected protests during his coveted Olympic games.

When asked about his decision to release members of the punk rock band, Pussy Riot, Putin said, "Kittens like them may have nine lives, but I can assure you I have more than nine guns. Besides, this is very different. I have always admired Bieber’s work."

President Obama has yet to receive any official communication from the Kremlin on this matter so The White House remains perplexed by the Russian President’s proclamation. "Look," said Obama, "I already did my fair share of pardoning turkeys over the Thanksgiving holiday."

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Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
 Arizona Cable Company Airs Our 1st Commercial!
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Only Your $ Stays in Vegas
By The Crank
The Crank

So there I was, on my way to Sin City the day after hearing the great news from my Orthopedist that the slightest fall or accident could leave me with more in common with Professor Stephen Hawking than I would like. "Doc, are were talking quadrophenia?"

Discord Pushes Boundary of Billboard Ad Decency
Discord Pushes Boundary of Billboard Ad Decency
 
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Duck Dynasty’s Downfall: It’s Mallard Time
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce X. Winslow

So Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, really stepped in it this time. In case you’ve been living in a swamp somewhere, the star of the world’s most popular reality TV show made a number of inflammatory remarks about gays and homosexuality. No, not the guy from Swamp People. That one’s different.

I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide
I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide, Sharp dressed men take it in the tush and other bad DDtop jokes
Sharp dressed men take it in the tush and other bad DDtop jokes
 
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Not Again! Lohan Careens Into La Brea Tar Pits
Not Again! Lohan Careens into La Brea Tar Pits

Los Angeles, CA—Late Saturday night Lindsay Lohan walked away from an accident that left four pedestrians and two mastodons injured. The police believe her jet black Maserati was exceeding 90 MPH through a residential area when her car crashed through a six-foot fence and became mired in the very pit of tar that killed the mammoths.

LAPD chief, Bill Tyson, stated, "This is the second time this week Miss Lohan’s vehicle came to rest in the pit at the corner of La Brea and Wilshire. Well, it’s better than that time she ended up in the Griffith Observatory’s planetarium."

Live on the scene, Cokie McGrath, agreed, "This is clearly better than the Griffith Observatory incident. Survivors reported thinking her headlights were just a binary star system and part of the show. Today is more like The Fast and the Furious meets the Olyphant’s siege of Gondor. I don’t know if Lohan’s plunge into this pit of tar is a euphemism, or a metaphor, or a pun. I really don’t...I’m a reporter, not a journalist. I leave that kind of shit to Zano."

The mastodons were unavailable for comment, but Zano is going with pun.

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After Latest Deer Attack Daryl Wanted for Questioning
After Latest Deer Attack Daryl Wanted for Questioning, And Steve Martin is suing for plagiarism
And Steve Martin is suing for plagiarism
 
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To Boldly Punch Someone in the Face
To Boldly Punch Someone in the Face, Witnesses claim.s Stewart did say: Resistance is Futile.
Witnesses claim Stewart did say: Resistance is Futile.
 
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Look, All the Mad Hatters Are at the Tea Party
Look, All the Mad Hatters Are at the Tea Party, Silver Medal Winner: This was similar to my experience
Silver Medal Winner: This was similar to my experience
 
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Cluster Blank: the Movie
By The Crank
The Crank

There I was up to my knees in caribou dung, surrounded by a thousand Ezakwantu tribe’s women naked to the waist. Sorry, another Wild Kingdom flashback. Here’s the thing, my now regular Monday morning trip to the bank for my Unemployment Obamamoney went south...southern Africa Ezakwantu tribe’s women south. Also known as, you trust big government? Why?

Walking Dead Cast Party Ends With Deaths, Injuries, Head Shots
Walking Dead Cast Party Ends With Deaths, Injuries, Head Shots

Los Angeles, CA—A popular L.A. restaurant turned into a bloodbath yesterday as the cast of The Walking Dead poured into the entrance of Trader Vic’s en masse. Witnesses describe the utter chaos that ensued as utter chaos. Sorry, Thesaurus.com is down again.

One NRA member said, "When you hear screams and then you see a bunch of zombies all over the place, that’s probable cause. I commend those brave men and women who acted decisively, with head shots, to defend our freedoms from the zombie oppressors."

One witness, currently charged with two counts of manslaughter, added, "What if this was the initial outbreak and we didn’t do anything? People would have been really pissed."

Liberal witnesses feel differently, "I don’t know why gun-totting conservative types were there in the first place. This is Los Angeles for God sakes. When are they going to finish that Arizona/California state border wall? It can’t happen soon enough."

Many in Hollywood are concerned about next week’s Game of Thrones cast party.  Actor Peter Dinklage said, "Sure we’ll tie the dragons up outside, but none of us are leaving our weapons at the door. Not in this town."

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Yoda to Host Fashion Reality Show
Yoda to Host Fashion Reality Show, "Snazzy will you become. Guarantee this I will."
"Snazzy will you become. Guarantee this I will."
 
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Top 10: the Aftermath of NYC Comic-Con

1. Surrounding neighborhoods see 90% drop in wedgies, nuggies, and wet willies.

2. Batman captured and arrested by NYPD...a lot (bat utility belts prove ineffective)

3. Best costume goes to Homeless Mantis

See All 10...
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Nerd Uprising! Shutdown Closes Comic-Con
Nerd Uprising! Shutdown Closes Comic-Con

New York, NY—In order to increase the pain on all things nerd, Barack Hussein Obama closed all Comic-Con events until the republicans quote, "bend over and take that shit."  This news has caused carnage outside of the next hosting facility, the Javits Center, in downtown Manhattan.  An unnamed employee said, "We haven’t seen anything like this since George Takei cancelled an appearance for a Start Trek Convention back in ‘08."

A nearby Quality Inn was the scene of widespread panic and despair as throngs of superheroes and villains alike wept uncontrollably.  A Tardis was hurled from a third floor balcony in anger, luckily it was only made of cardboard. Later that evening gangs of Siths, X-Men, and several Green Lanterns took to the streets and were later mugged.

One gentleman dressed in a Groo costume said, "They must take me for the fool that I am!" before he was crushed by a second falling Tardis.

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Haunted Weatherford
Haunted Weatherford Video
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Wait, I Can See Affleck As Batman
Wait, I Can See Affleck as Batman
 
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New Rambo Reality Series Cancelled During Pilot, 22 Dead
New Rambo Reality Series Cancelled During Pilot, 22 Dead

Los Angeles, CA—Shortly after getting the word he would not be starring in the upcoming Rambo television series, Sylvester Stallone struck out to make is his own reality television series. Only blocks from Entertainment One Studios, where the fate of the new Rambo series is being decided, Stallone opened fire on passersby. Seventeen people, including two republicans, were killed and five died later of embarrassment.

Amidst the carnage Stallone stumbled over bodies repeatedly calling, "Adrienne, Adrienne!" until he was picked up by LAPD, who later claimed, "You need a permit to shoot that many people dead on the street."

Stallone is currently residing at the Arkham Psychiatric Hospital and is being treated for Post Theatric Stress Disorder as any explosions tend to send him flashing back to scenes from Rambo, Knighthawks, or Cobra.

"It’s like living a nightmare," said Stallone. "Some of those movies sucked."

Stallone’s prognosis is good and he has begun a type of exposure therapy. He is gradually being reintroduced to his movies in a more positive setting, with his therapist by his side as well as some popcorn and soda.

"The good news is he should make a full recovery," said his therapist. "The bad news is that’s still not very good."

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Dr. Phil Also Backing Off His Latest Tweet
Dr. Phil Also Backing Off His Latest Tweet, “Is it okay for really large men to use midgets as a football?”
“Is it okay for really large men to use midgets as a football?”
 
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I See You! and Will Take Your Mordor Order!
I See You! And Will Take Your Mordor Order! "I'll have a pulled orc sandwich, some onion ring wraiths, and a Sauron shake."
"I'll have a pulled orc sandwich, some onion ring wraiths, and a Sauron shake."
 
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Dying Simpsons’ Co-Creator Leaves Fortune to Moe’s Tavern
Dying Simpsons’ Co-Creator Leaves Fortune to Moe’s Tavern, Moe: “The guy’s an asshole, but I’m still touched.”
Moe: “The guy’s an asshole, but I’m still touched.”
 
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Mother Road: The Movie
Mother Road: The Movie
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“The IRS Scandal Is Worse Than Watergate” —Peggy Noonan
“The IRS Scandal Is Worse Than Watergate” —Peggy Noonan Next week kids see Noonan jump an embassy in Libya
Next week kids see Noonan jump an embassy in Libya
 
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Damage Control: Paula Deen to Pull Entire Line of Fried N****r Fritters
Damage Control: Paula Deen to Pull Entire Line of Fried N****r Fritters, I just hope I can salvage my Porch Monkey Meat Pies”
"I just hope I can salvage my Porch Monkey Meat Pies”
 
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47-Year-Old Discovers Function of Cart Corrals
47-Year-Old Discovers Function of Cart Corrals, "I always thought carts were herd animals."
"I always thought carts were herd animals."
 
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Taser Parties: Tase Me Again, Bro!
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—There was a time when a parent’s primary concern involved worrying whether their children might drive too fast, eat too much sugar, or vote Republican. Then, thanks in part to the Ghetto Shaman, drug use and teen pregnancies exploded. Then this last generation started planking, idolizing jackass stunts, and joining crawdad cults. Those issues pale in comparison to this new youth trend; I am talking about the dreaded Taser Party!

Discord Apology XXII: Into Retractness
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—As the CEO of the Daily Discord, I can’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth each time I kick back and discover another instance where our journalistic integrity failed us, where Microsoft’s grammar check failed us, hell, where even reason itself failed us. Our staff has set up a series of processes to better catch such mistakes moving forward, but for now here are our recent blunders.

Our headline Governor Calls for Special Erection to Fill Seat was simply a typo and in no way implied forced congressional sodomy.  Furthermore, the intern who wrote "Poop Francis" has been fired as I believe the error was punintentional. Speaking of which, if you would like to be an intern here at The Daily Discord, simply hit the Contact Us button. At this point your ability to accomplish that task is the only prerequisite.

Tragically, our headline Barnes & Noble Tweets Hacked by Lesbian Weevils should have read Border Posts Fall into Hands of Syrian Rebels, and I do not employ adverbs lightly. As for our headline, Iran Has Enough Enriched Uteruses for Five Nuclear Tampons, I really don’t know what that was intended to mean. Our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, needs to remember to supplement her IPAs with GMOs.

The focus of this ezine’s shift to videos is no excuse for this rash of flagrant ineptness (RFAs)...and, yes, we are doing away with all of our lousy acronym jokes (LAJs) as well.  Ultimately, it remains my reasonability to correct these errors and I assure I am working tirelessly to delegate more appropriate blame.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

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Ghetto Shaman Vows to be the First to Fly 23-Ton Lego X-Wing Model
Ghetto Shaman Vows to be the First to Fly 23-Ton Lego X-Wing Model
 
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Crawdads Protest Outside of Discord Tower
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord Tower is under siege at this hour by America’s Western Crawdad Warfront Against the Repulsive Daily Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D.). CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is currently holed up in his ivory tower. He’s trying to electrify the outside of the building to thwart the attacking crawdads as he apparently "saw it once on a Star Trek episode."

Indiana Woman Suing Juan Valdez
Indiana Woman Suing Juan Valdez

South Bend, IN—Eda Piersly made some very hot coffee one morning and, due to a combination of a wasp and a train whistle, spilled most of it onto her lap. Burned, angry, and American, she desperately needed someone to blame. Driven by vengeance and menopause, she turned to the Yellow Pages. Eda has yet to master The Google, although she is internet savvy enough to consider The Daily Discord a "liberal rag".

She explained her situation to a local lawyer, Stephen Smith, and recounted to him her gruesome tale of 2nd degree thigh burns. Mr. Smith, not prepared to go to Washington, explained how her original idea to sue the wasp had no legal precedent, but due to the brand of coffee in question he had an idea. Mrs. Piersly is officially suing the fictional Columbian coffee farmer, Juan Valdez, and later added, "And his little F&^%ing donkey too!"

The National Federation of Coffee Growers in Columbia explained that, Conchita, is actually a mule and offered to settle out of court for one bag of 100% Columbian coffee and one baggie of 100% Columbian cocaine.

Mrs. Piersly responded by raising her pinkie to the side of her mouth and saying, "The letters from my lawyer will continue unless you pay me one bajillion dollars!" Her statement was then followed by some sinister Mwah hah hah-style laughing.

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It's Alive, It's ALIVE!
It's Alive, It's ALIVE! Twinkie Resurrection 2013
Twinkie Resurrection 2013
 
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Discord Musical Quest for Fiber Flops!
Discord Musical Quest for Fiber Flops! Well, it beat their Silence of the Cramps
Well, it beat their Silence of the Cramps
 
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Local Man Remembers Middle School As "Being Larger"
Local Man Remembers Middle School As "Being Larger"

Maplewood, MI—Upon returning to his old middle school after several decades, 39-year-old Christopher Pollock of St. Louis Missouri was "shocked that the shit back in middle school was so small." Mr. Pollock remembers things being significantly larger, from hallways to lockers to hallway lockers.

Mr. Pollock is not alone as a recent study conducted by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, suggests %83 of those who visit their old schools report a similar phenomenon, or what Dr. Hogbein calls past sizeular disparities (PSD).

Dr. Hogbein believes there are two possible causes for this highly prevalent anomaly: this is evidence of mnemonic cognitive shrinkage (MCS), which purports our memories themselves are actually shrinking over time to make room for more recent memories. Dr. Hogbein’s second theory suggests our world is slowly getting smaller due to an ever increasing gravitational field around the Earth, which Dr. Hogbein refers to as "the gravitational field around the Earth."

"Of these two theories I believe the least plausible," said Hogbein. "I believe a strengthening gravitational field is actually causing our planet to implode in on itself, much like the Republican Party of today."

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Obama Calls for "Courage" In Face of Pending Release of Discord Videos

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire.  The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

"There is still something called the 1st Amendment," said Obama. "Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way."

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

"We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos," said Winslow. "I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in...or, in this case, a brew in."

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. "We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project," said Winslow, "but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated."

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Amazon Buys Out All Major Grocery Store Chains
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

New York, NY—In an unprecedented move, Amazon.com has purchased all the major grocery store chains throughout the United States and Canada. Soon after they will all be closing all of these other companies so that online sales will reign supreme! Many citizens were shocked by this development and became concerned that their family would go hungry, but Amazon quickly reassured them their fear was both unwarranted and unauthorized.

Men Officially Concede Battle of the Sexes
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—The Senate outlined the unilateral concession of men today, which will allow women to proclaim victory in the Battle of the Sexes. The news came as quite a shock to those wealthy established Romney supporter-types, but the true effects of this legislative proclamation may have even deeper ramifications for men and their relative sperm counts.

Can't Ever Seem to Rent That One Place...
Can't Ever Seem to Rent That One Place...
 
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Beyond Irony or Rickrolling in A Pink Unicorn T-shirt
By Tony Ballz
Beyond Irony or Rickrolling in A Pink Unicorn T-shirt
Tony Ballz

A man must possess standards. I never had a big brother growing up, but my buddies and I knew older guys in school that were concerned enough with our upbringing to pass along whatever nuggets of knowledge they could. To these men I am ever grateful. Without their help, I never would have known truths like this one: every day, Kenny Loggins wakes up, hops out of bed, sits down in his kitchen, and eats a big fat hairy gorilla weiner for breakfast. EVERY day. Where else is information like this supposed to come from? It might have taken me YEARS to figure that out on my own and I shudder to think what my record collection would look like today.

Buckingham Palace Rented to College Students
Buckingham Palace Rented to College Students

London, GB—The English Royals are having some considerable monetary issues at this time and believe desperate times call for desperate measures. Buckingham Palace has nearly 800 rooms and many of them remain unoccupied for much of the year. So in an effort to generate some much needed revenue and help parallel some of the rest of the country’s austerity measures, the royal family decided to rent out 450 palace rooms. Nearly 400 of the rooms have been leased to students from the South Kensington Campus of nearby Imperial London College. Thus far the arrangement has not been without its complications.

"We hope the fire extinguisher incident in the Throne Room is an isolated occurrence," said Her Majesty the Queen. "I can also assure you, any and all underage drinking in the King’s Library will immediately cease or those responsible will be thrown into the dungeon!"

The Queen was later forced to retract her statement as the dungeon is currently being rented out as an S&M club and adult shoppe.

The Queen also warned students today, "The Palace Guards have been given permission to punch the next person who attempts to drape any intimate women’s apparel on them. That shall be quite enough of that."

Furthermore, the Queen denies any and all rumors involving Windsor Castle being turned into a Bed & Breakfast.

"It’s preposterous," said the Queen, "at least not until we sell all the historic shit on EBay and totally redecorate, IKEA-style."

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Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?
Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?

Washington, DC—Research from the Virtual Viagra Group (VVG) indicates zombie and other monster-related-violence (OMRV) has reached an all time high. Studying over five hundred children, VVG discovered zombie abuse was highly prevalent amongst those children locked into their laboratories without food or water for many weeks. (Please don't call CPS.)

Many fear the professional-hit-style murders are becoming almost instinctual. Through a psychological mechanism known as imprinting, researchers fear the "zombie head shot" will become even more automatic for future generations.

"You've heard of the Three Fs, right?" said VVG's CEO Joy Gropstein. "Food, Fornicating, and Foosball? Well, humanity is changing through subtle DNA mutations. In essence, we are adding another F."

VVG is diligently trying to work the words "zombie head shot" into another F, but despite their surge in funding have yet to satisfactorily wordsmith in this new addition. Gropstein has not ruled out changing the letter outright, "We're thinking about the Three Ss: sustenance, sex, and shooting zombies. That's all we got, but whatever we end up calling it we need to understand how our trigger-happy children may mistakenly shoot an injured homeless person, or perhaps someone simply on bathsalts and devouring the face of a friend."

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, couldn't agree more, "Kids will shoot at zombie-like things first and ask questions later. Frankly, we don't know enough about zombie behavior to make sweeping judgments. Picture the zombie just trying to drag home a corpse for his family? Now what are those hungry little mouths supposed to do? A percentage of zombies may even be vegetarian, who could perhaps be employed to devour the weeds in our lawns and gardens. What about zombies who are limbless or so grossly decomposed that they pose no threat to society? Our murderous children are going to shoot them all in the head, indiscriminately!"

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Alien Invaders Distressed Over Failed Apocalypse
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Life forms from the distant planet Blog arrived on Earth last week only to discover the Mayan Apocalypse was a complete bust. The Blogganinians, a race of evolved gecko-like creatures, were quite shocked to find the Earth still functioning as usual and they were even more annoyed to find the human/feline alliance still as strong as ever.

Oscar the Grouch Gives Klugman’s Eulogy
Oscar the Grouch Gives Klugman’s Eulogy

Los Angeles, CA—Oscar the Grouch of Sesame Street fame flipped open his garbage can and spent nearly 90-minutes blathering on about Jack Klugman’s prestigious and trash-filled career. The shabby green Muppet explained to the grievers how Klugman’s role on The Odd Couple had inspired him to live in abject squalor.

The Grouch then announced, "It was the best of grimes, it was the worst of grimes" before reciting several other quotes, including: wise is he who collects the refuse of others, and Mother died today, or was it Klugman? Then he blew his nose into a something that might have once been a handkerchief and sobbed, "There wouldn’t have been an Oscar the Grouch without an Oscar the Madison."

Due to the length of his speech, fellow Sesame Streeter, The Count von Count, kept heckling things like, "One, two, three...three bad analogies, mwah, hah, hah!"

Klugman’s wife, Peggy Crosby, left muttering, "I know he’s having problems with Grundgetta, but if he shows up at my place with a frying pan, I’m going to brain him with it!"

The Grouch ended his outrageously long eulogy with a variation of the Most Interesting Man in the World commercials. "When the garbage man comes by, I collect him," said Oscar. "So when you think about garbage, think Dos Oscars and stay filthy, my friends."

Scratch and sniff copies of the eulogy are now available for those with strong constitutions.

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Discord Resorts to Black Magic to Increase Ratings
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, "I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary...you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook."

Major Anthony Nelson Dies One Week After Larry Hagman
Major Anthony Nelson Dies One Week After Larry Hagman

Cape Kennedy, FL—Fictional character, Anthony Nelson, has died today after a long bout of reruns finally ended on cable television. Nelson, the lead man in the wildly popular late 60s television series I Dream of Jeannie, spent 42-years working as an astronaut out of Cape Canaveral, Florida. His claim to fame was finding a Jeanie in a bottle after which he not only failed to take advantage of any wishes, but he never really got any djinn-nookie from the attractive 2,000-year old cougar, played by actress Barbara Eden.

A neighbor and colleague, Major Roger Healy, added, "I don’t get it. She was hot. Not only didn’t he tap that shit, he cocked blocked me for years." Healy’s reaction is understandable, especially when one considers that in the late 60s everyone was nailing anything that moved, 2,000-years old or not.

Yesterday, after what many describe as a great run, Major Nelson succumbed to congestive ratings failure after WVPX in Cleveland finally stopped airing the show. The new head of NBC Universal added, "Apparently, we still get tons of letters each year addressed to Anthony Nelson. What the fuck is wrong with people?!"

Barbara Eden spoke highly of Nelson, remembering him as a man of character and integrity, but later admitted Hagman was kind of a dick.

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NERDS!!!!!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Screw the election, I want to take a moment to talk to you about an important subject, nerds. Nerds are not sexy. Sorry, ladies, if you are an attractive single woman who owns a "Nerds Are Sexy" t-shirt, you should come over to my house. My roommates go to bed early and I have the director’s cut of Buckaroo Banzai always playing in the background. Bring tequila.

Live Free or Diet! The War on Taste Buds
Live Free or Diet! The War on Taste Buds

Washington, DC—First Lady, Michelle Obama, is giving school menus a nutritional makeover. Critics claim this initiative is impacting a recent census on world hunger. Kids all over America are being added, quite unnecessarily, to those starving statistics.

Brussels sprouts were initially a welcome sight on cafeteria trays. "They make wonderful projectiles," said one young delinquent. The tide, however, is turning as children are becoming hungrier and ornerier.

The new bread is described by one teacher as "stale multi-grain slabs of blandness." Right before sticking two string beans into his nostrils, one student added, "We want our old bread back!"

In many states, hospitals are reporting a marked increase in tater tot related injuries. Violent food skirmishes, the likes of which have not been seen since the Midwood High Meatball Massacre of 1986, are reaching epidemic proportion, or as one principal put it, "None of our cafeteria workers are safe from pea to flinging pea."

Michelle Obama responded to critics thusly, "Bread? Let them eat gluten free cake. Oh, and next we’re having unsweetened beets and a wholesome rhubarb concoction is now being stewed into a type of low fat, vitamin rich porridge."

One 9th grader told reporters, "They say I have to eat the rhubarb and I say, no, no, no."

When asked if drone strikes will be considered against districts not in compliance with the First Lady’s standards, President Obama said, "No options are off the table...well, a lot of aerodynamic vegetables may be, but no options."

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Cthulhu Thwarting Release of Jack Primus' 2nd Book?
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Washington, DC—Jack Primus is coming under a lot of fire over the past several days as hordes of the tentacle-ridden maggoty fungi, known as the Migo (no relation to our politicians), are assaulting humans all over the globe—not to mention the Romney family’s endangered species petting zoo.

Aliens Pledge to Destroy Human Race as Favor to Dolphins?!
By Alex Bone
Aliens Pledge to Destroy Human Race as Favor to Dolphins?!
Alex Bone

Miami, FL—Dolphin researcher, Dr. Holly Hotalot, made a startling announcement to the press today: "Many of the world’s dolphins and porpoises have been communicating with an alien race known only as the Usukko and their message has implications far beyond Obamacare. This is like that Douglas Adams novel only worse!"

The "No Mas" 16
By The Crank
The Crank

There are sixteen widely used terms today that invoke nausea in me every time I hear them. I would like them from this moment forward stricken from all political discourse. Once one of my ‘16 forbidden phrases’ (similar to Carlin’s seven dirty words) are used on TV, or in print, they take on a life of their own. These are terms I never want to hear again. I’m sure I speak for everyone, and by everyone I mean six people, when I say please stop!

Romney’s American Idol Judges Joker Olympics!
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

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Zano to Quit the Discord....Again
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to interview the Daily Discord’s head comedy writer, Mick Zano. Mr. Zano is a man—at least technically—who many call the brains of the operation. OK, no one really says that. In fact, spending an hour with Mr. Zano is good cause for hazard pay. Did you get that, Mr. Winslow? Make check payable to Cokie Industries.

Katie Holmes' Appearance on Oprah
Katie Holme's Appearance on Oprah, Tomkat downgraded to Scatkat
Tomkat downgraded to Scatkat
 
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Chewy Defeats Thurman!
Chewy Defeats Thurman
 
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Is this How Gonzorhea Starts? Or Kermitiya?
Is this How Gonzorhea Starts? Or Kermitiya? Just don’t play banjo music around Miss Piggy
Just don’t play banjo music around Miss Piggy
 
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Evidence of Obama's Fascism Emerges!
Evidence of  Obama's Fascism Emerges! Chant of "Lift it Assholes!" fell on deaf ears
Gibbs' goosestepping never covered by lame stream media
 
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Cannibals Offended by the Name Zombie
By Erisa Brahe
Erisa Brahe

USA – There are many reports of bizarre and carnivorous crimes sweeping the country, from a nude Miami-man gnawing on his victim’s face, to a New Jersey man wielding his own intestines as a weapon against police, to a local Shaman doing inappropriate things to people’s skulls.

Captain Viagra Peters Out
Captain Viagra Peters Out

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

"Umm, we get enough of that," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly)."

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, "The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover."

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, "Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!" He then shouted, "To infidelity and beyond!" but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

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The Discord’s Wilderness Survival Quiz
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

The purpose of this quiz is to test your wilderness survival skills. You are a modern person with modern needs. Things like broken legs, heat stroke, and dehydration are things that happened back when your grandparents were kids. We have different concerns today, like my Twitter account is blocked! But when a real nature-related crisis strikes, how will you react? Will you do the right thing? Is rubbing salmon on your pajamas before bedtime a good camping practice?

Sure the Dark Knight Rises...
Sure the Dark Knight Rises...but does he use Bat Enhancement pills?
But does he use Bat Enhancement pills?
 
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The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
By The Crank
The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
The Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors...you know, the Middle Class.

Man Ends 39 Day "Moon Vigil" for Google Street View
Man Ends 39 Day "Moon Vigil" for Google Street View

New Paltz, NY—Jackson Nellis has remained bent over in his yard with his pants down for the better part of six weeks, awaiting the coveted passing of the Google Street View vehicle.

"I don’t understand it," said Nellis. "They were supposed to be in my neighborhood last month. Is it too much to ask for a man, who lives on a fucking road in the very fucking neighborhood that Google is supposed to be mapping out, to get his fucking picture taken?!"

Mr. Nellis reports his neighborhood was very new the last time Google mapped the area. "The last update of my street still has my neighbor’s monstrosity of a fucking boat in the front lawn. But I had the home owners’ association deal with, Captain A-hole, and the rest of Gilligan’s junk yard."

When asked why Mr. Nellis thought it was so important to capture his ass on Google Street View, he said, "Kids have the ice cream truck and I don’t like ice cream. Look, did anyone ask Criss Angel why he painted shit on the ceiling of that Italian fucking church? Did anyone ask Albert Einstein why he invented the atom? I don’t fucking think so."

When explained how Google Street View edits out all inappropriate images before posting, Mr. Nellis let forth a string of expletives not heard since paragraph two.

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Social Phobia Meetup Group Fails to Meet Again
Social Phobia Meetup Group Fails to Meet Again

Los Angeles, CA—The Social Phobia Facebook group has a good following in the greater Los Angeles area, yet none of the 51 active members have managed to attend any of their 78 scheduled meetings since the group’s inception in the Spring of 2010.

The Meetup group organizer, Stanley Stehenside, had this to say, "Our 22nd Meetup came very close to actually happening as Mr. Filkins made it to within yards of the diner in question and I came within two blocks before running back to my apartment in sheer terror. That was an exciting day for all of us."

The Meetup members are hopeful their 79th Meetup will break their losing streak.

"We have a plan," said Mr. Stehenside. "Two of our members live in the same building, so we’ve chosen their lobby for our next Meetup location. We’re confident at least two of our members will be present. That is, if Miss Hidesley can get over her fear of stairs and elevators by then."

The group has an extra special itinerary for this next, all important meeting, "We’ve made arrangements with the building manager to host a poetry slam and a very open mic night, as no one is likely to go near the bloody thing," said Stehenside.

The group organizer stated he has already finished a poem that he plans to not read during the event entitled, "For fuck’s sake, woman, close those god damn blinds!"

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Sticks and Groans May Break My Balls
By The Crank
The Crank

If during a conversation someone called you an asshole, you would leave the area upset or stove in someone’s head with a Louisville Slugger, via Joe Pesci in Goodfellas (my choice). Hurtful words can even lead to suicide, a reaction I have never understood (outside of reading Zano features). My first thought would be to end the other person’s life. Where does that get you? Dead? Not even. Although, my mom did manage to get both dead and even...with me at least. I’ll never forget her loving last words, "I may end up dead, but I will get you back!"

Shocking New DNA Evidence of Wolverine’s Origins!
Shocking New DNA Evidence of Wolverine’s Origins!
 
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Eight of Ten Surveyed Prefer the Backdoor Steakhouse
Eight of Ten Surveyed Prefer the Backdoor Steakhouse
 
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Radcliffe Admits Constant Pressure of Facing Voldemort Led to Drinking
Radcliffe Admits Constant Pressure of Facing Voldemort Led to Drinking

Los Angeles, CA—Actor Daniel Radcliffe, of Harry Potter fame, admitted to the press today his fate to one day face Lord Voldemort was "just too much" and may have contributed to his heavy drinking on the set.

The Potter actor feels his naked escapades with those horses in that Broadway play "didn’t help." In retrospect, Radcliffe is just happy he managed to turn down that "Katharine the Great meets Trigger" screenplay.

Radcliffe also blames his boozular indiscretions on the eclectic and unpredictable teaching styles of the professors at Hogwarts. "Professor Snape always exuded pressure, not to mention the crazies and the ones who turned out to be werewolves," said Radcliffe, "and I don’t recommend taking Potions & Herbology three times, if you follow."

Friend Luna Lovegood has a different angle and "suspects Nargles" as the main reason Potter was always potted.

Championing a different theory, Dr. Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute of Wizardry, believes J.K. Rowling’s "butterbeer" is a gateway fictional drink.

"I don’t recommend spending your whole childhood drinking something called butterbeer out of a beer mug in some dingy castle pub. It’s a slippery nipple...er, slope. First you start nipping a little butterbeer and the next thing you know you’re chugging Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe."

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Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess
By The Crank
Nothing Golden Can Stay: Farewell Hostess with the Mostess

Long before there was Spongbob Squarepants, there was Spongecake Cream Members. But 1/10/2012 marked the beginning of the end. No, it isn’t cataclysmic storms, or giant grasshoppers like that similarly named Peter Graves’ movie. It’s not tsunamis or earthquakes or Mayan Gods either. It’s not even Ahmanutjob flexing his nuclear muscle, nor is it Kim Jong Jr. testing his authoritah. I’m afraid, it’s much, much worse.

Discord’s Word of the Day: Googootz!
By The Crank
The Crank

Typically, when a coworker comes to me first thing in the morning with a ‘story’, I feign interest. I might smile and maybe even nod periodically as if listening intently to this intriguing yarn (much in the same way I read Zano posts).

Winslow Removes the Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Zano’s Office
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—After losing dozens of potentially talented reporters and multiple lawsuits, the Daily Discord’s CEO finally moved the official Discord ‘Casting Couch’ from Mick Zano’s office. "This latest list of atrocities and abuses marked the last straw," said CEO Pierce Winslow. "And this time I mean it!"

Gripe of Frankenstein: Declining Popularity Forces Monster into Therapy
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing, AZ—After thirty-three failed suicide attempts, the creature known as the Frankenstein Monster was admitted to a local acute psychiatric unit over the weekend. When asked why he had tried to light his whole body on fire, encase himself in ice, and watch the entire Jersey Shore series on Netflix while eating buckets of habanero chicken wings, the monster had this to say...

Santa Claus' GPS Coordinates Hijacked by Iran! Sleigh Brought Down Near Tehran
Santa Claus' GPS Coordinates Hijacked by Iran! Sleigh Brought Down Near Tehran

Tehran, IR—Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced his diabolical actions on the evening of December 25th. Iranian scientists claim to have successfully reverse-engineered Santa’s GPS coordinates and guided the jolly old saint and his sleigh into a field northeast of Tehran.

"We wanted to capture the fat bastard with all the goods, but his flight plan made it easier to nab him during his return to the North Pole," said Ahmadinejad. "We now plan to harness Santa’s secrets to bring down the great Satan known as America."

The sleigh is reportedly in mint condition, because of all of Santa’s mints, but the North Pole is denying claims that, during the initial encounter, Santa used some of his Christmas elves as human shields.

"They’re not human," said Mrs. Claus, "take my word on this one."

The Obama Administration is considering this an act of war.

"This is an outrage," said President Obama. "We want Santa back without a hair harmed on his chinny chin chin."

Obama then made several other cutsie Yule-time-anologies (YTAs), before hurling his teleprompter at the nearest wall.

"Who's going to bring me a new one next year!" blubbered the President as he stormed off stage.

Sadly, Santa and his reindeer were interrogated by Iranian officials on December 26th and then stoned to death for practicing sorcery. Stocks tumbled today with the news Christmas, as we know it, has ended.

Kidding! Santa kicked their heathen asses all over the desert and made it home for dinner.

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How (and What) Does Santa Know?
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I just whipped out the parents’ ultimate Christmastime argument for good behavior.

"Santa is watching. If you don’t want a lump of coal in your stocking, you’d better go to sleep."

Being an off-the-hook intelligent six-year-old (who miraculously still believes), she asked "how does he know?"

"Did Santa Just Hit On Mommy?" The Department Store Confidential
By Ertel
"Did Santa Just Hit On Mommy?" The Department Store Confidential
Ertel

Ask anyone who works, or has ever worked retail at a shopping mall during the holidays, what’s the most depressingly degrading job one could apply for, or have thrust upon them during the Christmas season, and here's how it will go down. Oh, I should add, the following yule time tale actually happened…sadly.

Watching the Recording Industry Shit on Me since the F-ing 60s
By The Crank
Watching the Recording Industry Shit on Me since the F-ing 60s
The Crank

The hysterical lawsuit letter you are about to read is very real, but let’s begin our tale here: in the late sixties, my earliest memories of recorded music involved 45s and albums on an ancient record player, one that my tech savvy brother-in-law managed to hook up to my brother’s accordion amp. Mono Led Zeppelin, lots of bass, who wus better’n me?

After the utility belt "incident" Batman could finally hit those high notes
After the Utility Belt "Incident" Batman could Finally Hit those High Notes
 
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There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
By Dave Atsals
There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
Dave Atsals

In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.

Bill Maher Admits He's Joe Walsh on Weekends
Bill Maher Admits He's Joe Walsh on Weekends, Joe Walsh Admits He's Bill Maher on Weekdays
Joe Walsh Admits He's Bill Maher on Weekdays
 
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I was a Teenage Discord Apology
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—It’s time once again to right our wrongs and apologize for our vast array of incompetent pseudo journalistic meddling (IPJM). Which reminds me, we are also sorry about all the lousy acronym jokes (LAJs).

First off, Breast Awareness Month should have been Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  We are sorry for all of the inappropriate boob-ogling that ensued, but it’s really kind of the baseline here at Discord Central. 

We also do have one quote retraction.  "I hired Roger Ailes because he was hot and got ratings," – Sarah Palin.  Umm, although Roger Ailes is a sexy, old, bald, fat guy, this is clearly a case of the old switcheroo.

Our feature Early Pullout Causes Trouble for Discord Interns should have been Early Troop Pullouts Cause Trouble & Discord for Iraqis. I have personally sent a harsh memo to the Discord contributor involved, who we will leave Zanoless.

Finally, we would like apologize for our recent feature Top Ten Things You Should Never do to a Panda.  In retrospect, we realize the post was in poor taste and may have given some ideas to those sociopathic individuals among us.

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The Great Recession Hits Springfield, DOH!
The Great Recession Hits Springfield, DOH!

Springfield,??—The animated series The Simpsons is battling significant budget cuts this season.

When told about the need for some serious belt tightening, Homer Simpson of Springfield said, "That’s physically impossible."

His neighbor, Barney Gumble, is said to be drinking heavily again after finding out he’s among those cut.

"I only have three words on my resume: I can belch," said Gumble, who questions if he is employable in this economy or if he even spelled belch correctly.

Marge Simpson will only have one sister next season, Selma.

"Patty was the obvious scratch," said Simpson creator Matt Groening. "Dr. Nick is being charged with the overdose of actor Troy McClure, so they’re both gone. You may know McClure from such westerns as The Good, the Bad and the Dickish and For a Few Dollar Whore. We are also cutting Duff Man, Mole Man, Bumble Bee Man, and anyone else whose name ends in ‘man’."

Side Show Mel was also among those cut.

"I knew when they said one of the Side Shows had to go that I was screwed," said Mel. "Do you know what it's like to be the side show of a side show? Of course you don't!"

The richest man in Springfield, C. Montgomery Burns, remains all but unaffected in his mansion overlooking town.

"Nonsense, I had to part with one of my flying monkeys," said Burns. "OK, it was already dead, but I don’t want to seem unsympathetic. Flying monkeys don’t grow on trees, you know, except in that one episode."

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Las Vegas Welcomes its First Amelia Impersonator
Las Vegas Welcomes its First Amelia Impersonator

Las Vegas, NV—For the first time in many years, Juan Guerra of Henderson, NV is shelving his Elvis Presley impersonator outfit. Guerra, best known as skydiving Elvis #11 in the movie Honeymoon in Vegas (1992), said the transformation for him was a bittersweet one. Mr. Guerra has been donning the same white rhinestone-speckled suit for the better part of twenty years.

"Fremont Street will miss the old routine," said Guerra, "but Elvis has left the building."

As for the decision to change his act to an explorer and famous missing person, Amelia Earhart, Guerra said, "No one personifies Vegas quite like Earhart," said Guerra. "Now that bitch could gamble!"

Mr. Guerra was reluctant to talk about his short-lived attempt in the 90’s to become an Elvira impersonator.

"Doctors just didn’t have the technology to give me the necessary mammarage," said Guerra. "They also warned me if a silicone pouch that size ruptured, it could flood surrounding low lying areas."

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Hogwarts? Shit...this can't be right
Hogwarts?  Shit...this can't be right
 
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Searching for New Investors: The Blues Mobiles are Dead
By The Crank
The Crank

Have I got the investment for you! Over the years, as we grow older, our needs change. We start life in diapers, go on to tighty whities, and on to boxers, then, well, back to diapers. We start out sleeping all day, then at night, then not even then, then at night again, then all day, just intermittently. Our lives come full circle, but there is one area that has disappeared from the scene. Old people cars…complete with deploying Depends feature.

The Goonification of Lovecraft: Why Universal Pictures is Dead to Me
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hey Universal Pictures, H.P. Lovecraft is not a Goonies movie!  Since we have been a little Cthulhu-heavy lately here at the Discord, we must mention our insane—clawing at our own entrails—disappointment in the decision to cancel Guillermo Del Toro’s version of At the Mountains of Madness.  Universal insisted Del Toro make this 150-million dollar horror extravaganza with a PG-Rating.  Have you ever read any Lovecraft, Mr. Universal dude? You would have better luck making Shaving Ryan’s Privates a bleeping G-Rating!  …which, by the way, was a really important film in its own right.

Pierce Pissed About Private Pool Putzes
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Pissed About Personal Pool Putzes
Pierce Winslow

I have come to the conclusion that most people who own a pool should not. They have no idea how they work, how to take care of them, or how to keep their kids from floating face-down in them on national TV. Of course, Casey Anthony figured out how to parley her mother’s pool into an acquittal, but the vast majority of the rest are oxygen thieves. We’ll start with the mundane…

Discord's Winner of the Triple-Phallus Toon Award 2011
Discord's Winner of the Triple-Phallus Toon Award 2011
 
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Arizona’s Asphalt Jungle: why the City of Glendale can stick its Corrugated Drainpipe up its own Drainpipe
By The Crank
The Crank

As I sit here at my place of employment, gazing out at what has become the biggest fiasco-slash-cluster fuck of any city utility improvement project ever, I can’t help but think, wow, there really are more incompetent people than at the dailydiscord.com.  Hey, if you hyperlink to where you already are does that create a virtual wormhole?  Try it.

U.S. Border Fence with Mexico Replaced with Banana Peels
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

In a desperate effort to not only protect our borders, but to save the American tax payer's money, the U.S. Senate has authorized the United States' southern border be lined with millions of banana peels.

Harry Potter: Ten Years I’ll Never Get Back
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The biggest blockbuster of the year is undoubtedly Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows—Part 2. You know it’s a serious movie when I throw in an adverb as big and daunting as ‘undoubtedly’, right from the get go.   The Daily Discord was there to cover this prestigious premiere.  When I say premiere, I mean, a week later during a matinee at the Ghettoplex.  Oh, and Mr. Winslow will probably never reimburse me the admission price.  Bastard! 

Holiday Inn?  How about Holiday Out
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

Holidays are excessive and outlandish, like liberal budgets.  But if you don’t get off work for them, what the hell’s the point? I did a web search on popular U.S. Holidays (I can do these now…with help). I found a list of fifty-one of them.  So let me get this straight, there are more holidays than states in the union?  Which makes me wonder, what would we do on South Dakota Day?  Anyway, I have broken down our holiday cheer into a few arbitrary and quite meaningless categories.

And yet when I get a good Buzz, I can't even get a Woody
And yet when I get a good Buzz, I can't even get a Woody
 
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Discord Apology XXXIV
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time.  We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity.  Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.

Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.

On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter.  In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.

Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well. 

I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine.  The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help.  On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!

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Pakistanis Are Furious Beiber not Appearing in Islamabad
Pakistani's Furious Beiber not Appearing in Islamabad, I would hate to be that kid
I would hate to be that kid
 
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Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday
Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday

Gettysburg, PA—Iris Kleinmind is undaunted by the release of Obama’s full birth certificate.  Despite the latest proof, she plans to continue her Birther Meetup group at the Lincoln Diner on Saturday nights at 6:00 PM.  Mrs. Kleinmind’s social group started as a Tea Party Meetup, until they realized taxes were the lowest they’ve been in decades.  Glenn Beck then inspired the ladies to start a George Soros is Hitler Meetup group.

"But then we stopped understanding Mr. Beck, with or without our medications," said Kleinmind, "so we went with a Kenya Boy was Raised in a Madrasah Meetup, which fizzled out quickly, I’m afraid."

Kleinmind went on to say her Shutdown ACORN! Meetup was her personal favorite.

"When ACORN was finally shutdown we cheered and cheered….well, until NYC prosecutors cleared them of all criminal wrongdoing because the tapes were doctored." 

When asked about her longest and shortest Meetup groups, she said, "The Death Panel Meetup group had a nice run, until we made the mistake of actually reading the House bill.  We never should have done that.  And the shortest was our Shirley Sherrod Sucks Meetup group, which only lasted until they released the rest of her speech the next day."

A series of social Meetup blunders has left Kleinmind’s group more determined than ever.  She still believes, "The truther is out there!"  And, whereas she is saddened how Osama bin Laden’s death ended her Obama’s Soft on Terror Meetup, she is happy to announce her next idea: Obama Hates Israel our Closest Ally Meetup group.

"This one is a sure thing!" said Kleinmind.

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Giants Awarded Minority Status as Pants Impaired
Giants Awarded Minority Status as <i>Pants Impaired</i>

Washington, DC-It’s one giant step for pituitary problems as the Supreme Court agreed giant people are now deemed the Pants Impaired minority.   Success hasn’t been easy for this group as Congress recently rejected their Plane Seat Impaired minority status as well as their Doorway Disabled claim.  

"These damned hobbit designers want to carve the world into their own image no matter who they hurt along the way. My head is a phrenologist’s dream!" said one tall, bumpy-headed person.  "And Kevin Smith couldn’t get on a plane until he lost weight…what do you want me to do? Gnaw off my own feet at the shins?"

An advocacy group, Giants Against Stereotyping (GAS), has been fighting for giants’ rights ever since Zeus cast them out of Olympus.

The president of GAS had this to say, "You don’t know the horrors of ordering special pants! We certainly deserve a tax break for the hardship, the extra cost, and the endless basketball jokes."

A very tall person indeed had this to say: "We’re not monsters, Yeti, Sasquatch, or anything else you damned puny, midget-dwarf Halfling sons-o-bitches want to call us!  And, yes, we find the New York football team and the San Francisco baseball team offensive. "

"It is hoped the new legislation will shut these freaks up for a while," said an average sized congressman from the Midwest.

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Crankin' from Long Island to Arizona
By The Crank
The Crank

I now call Arizona my home, and have for six years.  But, recently, I started to consider to just what I miss and don’t miss about Lawn Guylin’.  To start with, FOOD plays a big part of what I miss. Hell, food plays a big part of what I AM. And I have news for the people of Arizona: just because an establishment has the name ‘New York’ some-fucking-where in the title, does not mean the pizza will taste as such—unless you have the wrong kinda shrooms on that bad boy.

The Daily Discord...
The Daily Discord, for some piece of mime
For some piece of mime
 
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Despite Extreme Cosmetic Gesture, Aflac Refusing to Rehire Gottfried
Despite Extreme Cosmetic Gesture, Aflac Refusing to Rehire Gottfried
 
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Bone’s Disappearance Blamed on Crawdad Attack
Bone’s Disappearance Blamed on Crawdad Attack

Alex Bone, contributor for the The Daily Discord, Priest of Yig, and founder of the Men Against Migo Association (M.A.M.A.), was reported missing last weekend. The only survivor of the Bone Gang, Mick Zano, awoke with green hair and an ‘I ♥ Bacon’ tan line across his chest.  He is currently deemed "still too disoriented" to help authorities. 

Sheen Weaver: The Discord is Just Wild about Charlie
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

Meet Available Discord Singles in Your Area
Meet Available Discord Singles in Your Area, See their controversial topless Craigslist photos!
See their controversial topless Craigslist photos!
 
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47 Hobbits Missing while Working on Google Middle-Earth Project

Hobbiton—47 hobbits are missing and presumed dead after Google sent hundreds of unarmed Shire folk into the wilds of middle-Earth to draw the surroundings of each and every path. The ambitious plan was to cover all the land from the Grey Mountains to Mordor. Despite being nearly five years into the project, only an estimated two percent of middle-Earth has been captured in their Path View.

The partially eaten remains of Bimbo Boffin of Bugger Downs was found in a tree north of Bree, and the torn and bloodied clothing of Friskycoot Titgroper of Hobbiton was found in a warg den in the heart of the Misty Mountains.

"We sincerely hope the rest of the Hobbits all make it back safe and sound," said Google CEO, Larry Page. "We only went with Hobbits after the Riders of Rohan and the men of Gondor told us to piss off."

Page went on to extend his deepest sympathies to the families of those devoured.

Page also told reporters, "Google is sending people to help find the other 45 missing Hobbits and that all Path View activity has been suspended until a better strategy, one that doesn't involve Hobbits in any way, can be developed."

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All Two Hundred "N" Words Removed from Huckleberry Finn Resurface in Hillary Clinton’s Publication It Takes a Village
All Two Hundred "N" Words Removed from <i>Huckleberry Finn</i> Resurface in Hillary Clinton’s Publication <i>It Takes a Village</i>

Washington, DC—Soon after a professor from Auburn University, Allen Gribben, set to the task of removing all 200 instances of the word "nigger" [Winslow: yeah, I printed it] from the Mark Twain classic Huckleberry Finn, something very strange occurred.  A week later all 200 of the stricken "N" words appeared inexplicably dispersed amidst Hillary Rodham Clinton’s 2006 classic, It Take a Village.

"It’s amazing that anyone discovered the culturally insensitive words so quickly as who would be reading that shit?" said an undisclosed White House spokesperson.

Every copy in existence seems effected, which the gifted physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking describes as "odd." 

These two disturbing occurrences occur in the section on gun control:

The Brady Bill, which my husband signed into law in 1995, imposes a five-day waiting period for gun purchases, time enough for authorities to check out a ("N"-word)’s record.

After many years of working with and listening to American adolescents, I don't believe they are ready for ("N"-word)s or their potential consequences.

Hillary Clinton reports being "mortified" by the discovery and has already set to the task of crossing out every "N"-word in her book in any and all copies, "…before Michelle finds out."  Of course, Mrs. Clinton is not doing this personally—she reports having "people for that."

Neither Simon nor Schuster were available for comment.

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Starbucks Offers 146oz 24 shot Bucket-O-Joe
Starbucks Offers 146oz 24 shot Bucket-O-Joe

Seattle, WA—As for caffeine, Starbucks has always pushed the legal-limit envelope.  Sure there’s no legal limit for caffeine, but Starbucks represents the poster child for why we will eventually need one.  Before today, there were only such trendy sizes as Short (tiny), Tall (small), Grande (medium), and Venti (large). But America is all about supersizing shit, so Starbucks broke out their trusty Italian dictionary and came up with another swank word for ridiculously-oversized. Their new extra-large, the Gigantesco, translates as—we don’t know exactly—but it’s probably synonymous with permanent insomnia.  It represents 146 oz of specialty coffee with 24 shots of blood-pressure-enhancing espresso.  It’s nearly 3x the size of 7-11’s Big Gulp and you need to sign a waiver when you order it.  Oh, and financing is available for those who qualify.

A Starbucks’ spokesperson told the press today their new drink "has enough caffeine to give a rhino a schizophrenic break."

By the way, this may well end up being the corporation’s new motto. 

They would also like to add, "Fuck you, Red Bull."

Competitors over at Seattle’s Best argue the validity of Starbuck’s rhino analogy.  They believe the rhino in question would have to have had a predisposition for schizophrenia.

Starbuck’s maintains they are just trying to give Americans what they want, the jitters.  This is a fast-paced world, and it’s about to get even faster.  Head to your nearest Starbucks today and bring a friend…no really, it takes two people to carry it out.

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Missing Snake Found Panhandling in Boston Subway
Snake Recently Lost on Boston Subway Found Panhandling
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Boston, MA—The boa constrictor, Penelope, has surfaced at a busy Boston subway stop not far from where it slithered off its owner’s neck last week.  The snake disappeared on the Red Line of the T, or the L, or the Tube, or whatever the hell the name of Boston’s subway system is. 

Subway officials offered this statement: "We’re just glad the snake could adapt to life in Boston during a recession."

When discovered, the snake had accrued over $67.43 in change.  Unfortunately, the snake did develop a serious meth addiction during its absence and has been irritable and moody, since her rescue. Whereas Mrs. Moorhouse is pleased Penelope was recovered unharmed, she has received several threatening phone calls from her pimp, Big Freddy Jazz, demanding the snake’s immediate return.  Moorhouse is also concerned the snake’s rehab stay will not be covered by the Massachusetts state Medicaid program.

"Boston is liberal," said Moorhouse.  "But it aint that liberal.  And, as for the picture, I don’t even remember watching the Harry Potter series with Penelope, maybe she read the books." 

Samuel L. Jackson was quoted as saying "Keep these mother fuckin’ snakes off these mother fuckin’ trains!"

Yig was unavailable for comment.

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A 2010 Crank-Style Recap
By The Crank
The Crank

In 2010, the Libertard hoard provided an un-heavenly host of issues to crank upon: religion, socialism, political correctness, all of Mikko's favorite topics. As the year comes to a close and the hoard has been overrun and ousted from at least one branch our government, thank God, the time has come to finalize some key points we should take away from 2010.

The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
By Mick Zano
The X-Box 360: The Truth is in There
Mick Zano

After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS. Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture. It stared right at me, nay, right through me. Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played. When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, "I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave." Machines always call me Dave. I don’t know what that’s all about.

Nguzu Saba Charlie Brown
 
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BuickiLeaks Latest Dump
BuickiLeaks Latest Dump, are our driveways safe?
are our driveways safe?
 
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Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…Just Don’t Ask
By Mick Zano
Hooping for Homos: Don’t Ask, Don’t…<i>Just Don’t Ask</i>
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Dozens of people came out to support the LGBTQ community in front of City Hall this Saturday in downtown Flagstaff.  Once there, I immediately asked what the acronym LGBTQ stood for, but, as it turns out, I had no pen, no pencil, no paper, and no ability to remember five words told to me in succession. 

Best Wishes in Your Future Endeavors Mick Zano
Mick Zano, former Walmart greeter

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  "Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!" said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

"I just want him gone," said Winslow.  "He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent."

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  "I’ll be just fine," said Zano.  "Well, at least until the background check comes back."

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The Black Calling the Kettle Pot: or Something Like Fat
By The Crank
The Black Calling the Kettle Pot: or Something Like Fat
The Crank

Chris Christie has undeniably become a rather large figure in the present political spectrum. His ascendency to the big chair in NJ has had repercussions nation-wide. He has managed to squeeze himself into a fight with the unions, using his rather large fan base to garner support for his thin slicing of their benefits. If he does decide to run…er, briskly walk for President in 2012, his will be a big suit to fill, for sure. Christie brings a country buffet full of already tried and true ideas to the table. Ahhh, I’m being told to stop now…

Discord Apology Episode II: Attack of the Groans
Pierce Winslow

Philadephia, PA—It’s that time of the news cycle again.  We have limited our retractions this time to those episodes causing great personal damage or loss of life (otherwise we could be here all day).

Our journal submission Study Finds Sending Water to Flood Victims Ironic did not stay afloat under the peer review process.  Besides, there’s nothing funny about dysentery or cholera—even when worked effectively into a pun.

In our feature, Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Pull the Last Airbender’s Finger, three of the reasons were deemed "a bit of a stretch."   But, we do stand by our original premise that it is still not advisable.

At the end of the day, The Discord staff admits our feature Global Drought May Spread does not represent journalism at its finest.

Finally, we would also like to apologize to the U.S. Army for endangering our troops in the field during our ill-fated Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day.  We are willing to stand by our offer to pay for all of the dry cleaning bills (for any legitimate claim), provided the Imams in question stop calling for our beheading.

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The Bard of Wasilla Tweets!
The Bard of Wasilla Tweets!

Wasilla, AK—Some claim the lady doth protest too much, but is the Tea Bag Queen making a run for literacy? MILF Theatre, in conjunction with Portrait of a Blinking Idiot.com, presents Sign on My Facebook and Tell Me You’ll Vote for Me.

Set your tweets on Elizabethan as Palin conjures some literary magic.  Sarah has clearly done some amazing things with wordage, verbiage, and phonics-age. Act now and receive all of the Bard of Wasilla’s witticisms during this limited time offer. 

You’ll get such classic social site moments as: To tweet or not to tweet, you betch ya’ and Tax cuts are such sweet borrow. And, of course: To suffer the slings and arrows of refudiated progressives.  And, who could forget?  A course! A course! My kingdom for some eduma—a course!

But wait!  If you act now, you’ll get Et tu Brut by Faberge, as well as all 27 butchered words from, Lord what fools these liberal bloggers be.  And what offer would be complete without A plague on both your houses (and, by both, I mean Liberals and Progressives).  If you order right now, you’ll also receive the entire personal collection of Levi thou art a little shit tweets, for no extra charge.

All the world’s a stooge, folks, and we are merely Palins!  Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have busts thrusting and heaving with perky nipples!

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Cobra Sucks: or why at 42 I want Obamacare to Allow Me Back on My Parent’s Insurance
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

In this age of horrible economic times, amidst constant rallies to restore sanity and/or fear, and/or Honor, or to retrieve the U.S. Soul and/or Other Imortant Things and stuff (God, Zano’s an idiot), I would like to vent my frustration about something completely different, the program known as COBRA. 

Post O’Donnell’s Defeat November 2nd Declared National Masturbation Day
Post O’Donnell’s Defeat November 2<sup>nd</sup> Declared National Masturbation Day

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has announced their intention to name November, 2nd "National Masturbation Day"!  A large masturbatory event is being planned at the Wank-off Astoria next week and many of the Discordians are planning to attend, bird in hand.  It’s being marketed as a peter-pulling, meat-beating ex-strokeoff-ganza!

"Why would Christine O’Donnell and her ilk support teabagging, but not pud-pulling, in the first place?" asked the Discord’s Ghetto "Shucking-bubba" Shaman. "We came very close to losing a practice very dear to me, but, spankfully, we all went into our individual pulling stations this week and tossed off a vote for freedom."

When asked if the Discord is a staunch supporter of masturbation, CEO Pierce Winslow, said, "Certainly not.  But, like it or not, it’s a hard piece of reality." He then cited the controversial court decision, Roe v Wank:  "Ultimately, I want such practices to be kept safe, legal, and rare."  Winslow warns if we outlaw the practice, "it will simply go underwear…er, underground.  Sorry, that was a Freudian slip-n-slide."

Celebrate your masturbate, people! And remember, folks, you don’t have to be a member to play with your member.  The first one hundred patrons ride the Super Glide all day, free!  Don’t forget to stop by our Viagra, salsa, and lotion bar, and don’t miss our special guest speaker Paul Reubens! We’re expecting John Boehner to boycott, however John Boner will almost certainly be in attendance.

Void where inhibited.

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Ancient Dr. Zeuss Books Unearthed in Greece

Pyrgos, GR—A disturbing discovery in a sea cave near the Grecian city of Pyrgos brings into question the entire life’s work of one, Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss. The ancient scrolls, discovered by archeologist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, suggest the children’s book author is a fraud.

"He’s a crook in my book, a scamazon in my Amazon, a swindle in my Kindle," said Dr. Hogbein to reporters.  "The real author of those childhood gems was, none other than, the head of the Greek pantheon, Zeus himself!"

Once cleared, the cave walls were found to be covered with numerous children’s stories, such as The Grinch who Stole My Lightening Bolt, Green Eggs and Ambrosia, and There’s a Cracken in My Shacken.  In an adjacent cave, Dr. Hogbein deciphered: If I Ran Olympus, Horton Hears a Harpy, and one of Zeus’s personal favorites, Oh, the Places You’ll Go: When Hera Finds out About You, Mortal Bitch!

The final and perhaps most sinister tale is entitled: One Fish, Two Fish, Red fish… Fuck My Brother, Poseidon, and the Seahorse He Rode in on!

The sea cave is feared to be cursed as, later that night, several members of Hogbein’s expedition became ill during a local bar crawl. One member was unable to continue the excavation until the following day.  And…well, that’s about it, but it’s still pretty suspicious. 

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Earth is Flat Museum Opens in Kentucky!
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

Despite some setbacks, The Daily Discord is proud to announce the grand opening of the Earth is Flat Museum—ironically located in the hills of Kentucky (in the alley behind Ed’s Wok, next to the Dumpster, across from The Creation Museum).  The museum’s curator, Lloyd "Bubba" Hickenson, had hoped the opening ceremony would be led by Thomas Friedman, but the award winning New York Times’ columnist insists his version of a ‘flat world’ is metaphorical only. 

The Discord's Way Off Track Betting
Dicord's Way Off Track Betting Pits Sea World's Killer Whale Against the Tiger that Ate Roy
Pits Sea World's Killer Whale Against the Tiger that Ate Roy
 
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The Obama’s Version of Mary Poppins Opens on Broadway
The Obama’s Version of Mary Poppins Opens on Broadway

New York, NY—In what is being hailed as a desperate move to win hearts and minds, Barak and Michelle Obama are starring in an adaptation of the classic film, Mary Poppins.  The play is set to open this week on Broadway, while many are left asking the acronym-laden question, BWTF?  During the three hour performance, the Obama’s sing and dance their way through a number of Poppins’ classics such as: a spoonful of stimulus makes the medicine—you can no longer afford—go down, and SuperStimulisticHealthcarexpialadocious!  Even though the price of it is something quite atrocious. 

Three Obama lawyer associates, from the law firm of Rodger, Rodgers, and Hammerstein, successfully bring the musical score back to an age when the musical theater genre should have been left in a nearby dumpster.

Reviews are harsh and Michelle Obama’s performance is described as "decidedly sucky" by the New York Times.  The most controversial number occurs near the play’s finale when our sitting President sings the lyrics: Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim Fuck Bush.

"I thought that the whole thing lacked a certain class," said our own Bald Tony, who, to show his disapproval, made fart noises throughout the second half of the play—until he was pistol whipped by the Secret Service.

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Daily Discord Featured in Major Nouveau Avante Garde Magazine!
Derriere Magazine
 
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Janet Jackson Brings Wardrobe Malfunction to a Whole New Level
Janet Jackson Brings Wardrobe Malfunction to a whole new level
 
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Several Missing Women Surface in Discord Contributor’s Freezer
Several Missing Women Surface in Discord Contributor’s Freezer

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has "no idea" how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a "masseuse" on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, "Bad man.  Bad tipper."

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, "He’s really not that interesting."

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, "Sure, but he’s still not that interesting."

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, "Did you find everything OK?" then added, "Could I marinate your arm overnight?"

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but "Not too closely. He tends to bite," said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, "If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?"

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The Hollywood Ending and Other Insightful Film Observations
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Remember that old Pink Floyd line, "I’ve got 13 channels of shit on the TV to choose from?" Now, of course, I’ve got 213 channels of shit on the TV to choose from.   For some reason, after flipping through all of these various channels, I stopped on IFC (The Independent Film Channel).   Never do this…

Study Suggests Facial Orifice Giantism (FOG) Decreasing in Rock Stars
Study Suggests Facial Orifice Giantism (FOG) Decreasing in Rock Stars
 
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Andrew Napolitano of Fox News
Andrew Napolitano of Fox News, Only the Coors Light Silver Bullet can stop him
Only the Coors Light Silver Bullet can stop him
 
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Proof There's Hope for Islam!
Proof There's Hope for Islam!
Nope, she was stoned to death
 
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Woman's Crib Screams for Dogs Shooting Pool and Playing Poker Theme
Woman's Crib Screams for Dogs Shooting Pool and Playing Poker Theme
 
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Top 10 Reasons I Hate Top 10 Lists
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

This hateful post was inspired by Newsweek.  They had this article involving the top movies about high school.  Out of the 15 listings, which included Clueless, Heathers, and clueless women named Heather, there was no mention of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  Nothing.  I can’t make this up.  Well, I could, but I didn’t this time. 

Try Outs for Home Alone VII Go Poorly for McCartney
Try Outs for Home Alone VII Go Poorly for McCartney
 
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Wanted: The Daily Discord Administrator Who Posted the Following Plug on Facebook
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

The Daily Discord admitts to its wrogdoings, Obama controls Hookers?, The Bone shouts out, and petruding pectorals now on the Daily Discord. Suggest us to your friends we promise they wont hate you for it. But then again we do spoof and satire so take that for what it is.

Study Suggests a Dark Coloring Prejudice in America
By L. Wolfe
L. Wolfe

An AC 360 segment on CNN all but proved something truly sinister.  Their recent study indicates that American children are impacted at very early ages by a society built upon subliminal, insidious racism against dark skinned cartoon children.  A follow up study conducted by 36-DD here at the Daily Discord has shown the impacts are even more far reaching than originally believed.

Poll Finds Nine out of Ten Atheists Prefer Mormons over Jehovah Witnesses
Poll Finds Nine out of Ten Atheists Prefer Mormons over Jehovah Witnesses

A recent unscientific poll conducted in a bar by drunken Discordians suggests that people don’t like Discord reporters approaching them when their "this drunk." A second poll, involving massive quantities of microbrews, can only be described by this reporter as implementing something now termed enhanced polling techniques. A third poll, not at all appropriate for minors, reveals something even more intriguing. People are far less enthusiastic about a visit from a Jehovah Witness than any--we made shit up about Jesus and wear magic underwear--Mormons.  Here is an actual conversation between Pokey McDooris and two unidentified pedestrians:

Pokey:  "Are you Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses?"

Pedestrians: "We’re Mormons."

Pokey: "Whooo Hooo! I win a beer!"

I think this exchange enhances our understanding of the problem this nation faces, although we’re not exactly sure how.

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Bat Boy of Weekly World News Mauls The Onion’s Area Man
Bat Boy of Weekly World News Mauls The Onion’s Area Man

Chicago, IL­ - The Onion’s Area Man, known for such cutting edge commentary as Area Man Depressed Despite Happy Hour and Area Man to Rent All Planet of the Apes Movies, has been seriously injured by Bat Boy. Bat Boy, of Weekly World News fame, is known for such controversial headlines as Bat Boy Uses Radar to Procure Hookers as well as Bat Boy On Ice!

The handlers of Bat Boy claim, "He’s just an excitable Bat Boy."

They also believe Area Man must have taunted him, or said something to offend Bat Boy’s delicate sensibilities.

"Or he was just hungry," added Gob Breenberger, editor of the Weekly World News. "Bat Boy eats twice his own body weight each day, which is why we don’t usually let him out unsupervised."  When asked why he was out unsupervised, Breenberger said, "I said usually, asshole."

On a related note, Batman denies fathering Bat Boy and was unavailable for comment.  However, the following entry appeared on Batman’s Facebook page yesterday, "If that psycho bitch goes for child support, I’ll introduce her to my Bat Bat."  Batman went on to complain about his continued efforts to find an appropriate name for his baseball bat.

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Breaking Sharia Law with Style!
Breaking Sharia Law with Style! New Poll Reveals Muslim Women Prefer The Discord over The Onion Three to One!
New Poll Reveals Muslim Women Prefer The Discord over The Onion Three to One!
 
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Texas Twits Twist Textbook Theme
By Art Fenski
Art Fenski

Leviticus, TX - In an effort to deal with budget woes plaguing one of the nation’s largest public school systems, the Texas Board of Education has decided to combine the Department of History and the Department of Phonics to form the new Texas public schools’ Department of Histrionics. The decision will be formally announced during the board’s annual retreat (this year held at the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, NV) by Col. Barney Bob Crossburner, Chairman of the School Board.

Cooking for Naked People
By Art Fenski
Art Fenski

I didn’t realize at first that I would be cooking for naked people. The job ad simply referred to an upscale resort in the desert west of Tucson without any specifics regarding the type of establishment. I emailed a response to the ad and received a call later that day from the resort’s manager. After thirty-minutes of telephone conversation, mostly about my vast skills, the manager asked if I would like to come in for an interview.

Discord at the Discord: or, Why as a Contributor I’ve Resorted to Death Threats and Violence
By L. Wolfe
Statue of Daily Discord CEO Pierce Winslow toppled
L. Wolfe

To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article.  I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano).  This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant.  I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.

It’s All Over But for the Funeral and for that I Am Sad
By The Crank
The Crank

Betch ya thought this was going to be a Crank rant on the passage of the healthcare Obamanation. WRONG! That will come later, fer sure, wink wink-nudge nudge. No, my dysfunctional and disillusioned little friends, this rant is all about the automobile, a topic I know considerably more about than healthcare. If I was a healthy sort, I guess I would know more about what aids longevity vs. shortgevity. (Hint: the stuff in my fridge promotes the latter.) My last attempt, The Southwest Twinkie diet plan, may not have helped, but thanks to industrial strength preservatives, I will decompose even slower than King Tut (which is certainly a victory of sorts). You see, having misread the "do this and live a long life" book my whole life, I shouldn’t comment about healthcare, with the exception of the pharmacological side.  I have majored in ‘what prolongs one’s life in spite of one’s self,’ or the Pill and Suspension of Dis-be-life.

Fledgling Discord Freelancers Felled by Unfriendly Fusillade
Pierce Winslow shoots down another contributor

Philadelphia, PA - Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

"The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin' me?" said Winslow. "We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you're good, maybe you'll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils."

"Yeah, cash, what's that?" stated Dave Atsals. "I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?"

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: "It’s for fame and glory purposes only."

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

"Then he typically loses the file," said Zano, "or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, 'What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels' and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking."

"It’s better than how the process used to work," added Atsals.

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Sea World Audience Fails to Identify Trainer's Killer in Police Lineup
Sea World Audience Fails to Identify Trainer's Killer in Police Lineup
 
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Nosferatu Rushed to St. Vincent’s
Nosferatu Rushed to St. Vincent’s
Doctors say chest pains, "Not wooden stake related."
 
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Daily Discord’s CEO to Ban All Acronym Jokes (BAAJ)
Pierce Winslow

Here ye, here ye.  From this day forward, all acronym jokes are hereby stricken from this website.  I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, declare all acronym jokes unlawful.  Such feeble attempts at humor are henceforth banished to Bogeyland, sent to the Forbidden Zone, and otherwise text-communicated.   Do you really think people are still laughing at these?  It’s unacceptable to me, Zano!  He doesn’t even edit other people’s shit anymore, he just adds lousy acronym jokes (ALAJ).  See!  Now he’s got me doing it!  Well, no more.  The party is over.  In lieu of the holes that this decree is sure to create, I would like to add only search keywords to increase the website’s hits and page views.  So instead of seeing an article entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (RKIW), you will now see: Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (political humor site).  Do you have any idea how hard it is to generate hits from articles entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels?  God, my writers suck!  

When you, our faithful audience, become more accustomed to these necessary changes, you won’t even notice them.  These procedural additions will ensure a savvy marketing strategy that could funnel as many as ten more people toward our site (fake news sarcasm).  See?  I bet you didn’t even notice that one.  If you have any questions, please click the Contact Us link on our home page (funny news), and we will most likely ignore it outright (satire political spoof).

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Winslow in Rehab; Six Days Off the Farm
By Pierce Winslow
Pierce Winslow

I have entered a virtual rehab to treat an addiction to Facebook’s Farmville. There, I said it. I have a problem, well, maybe not. But this thing is evil.

Touched by the plight of the Navi during the 3D version of Avatar…
Ahmadindjad, Iranian leadership watches Avatar 3D
...Iran suspends all uranium enrichment.
 
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Vegas Blue Man Group Jumps Director James Cameron in Alley

Director James Cameron reported a violent personal attack on Friday. He identified his assailants as the Vegas showmen known as the Blue Man Group.

"They didn’t say a word," said Cameron, "But the assault was well choreographed." Cameron told police he had written the Blue Man Group a letter, in which he apologized about not casting them in his recent film Avatar. Unappeased, the performers accused Cameron of copyright infringement.  Their chief complaint involved the director’s choice to cast blue ‘imposters’ in the movie.

"They called me a racist and a Blue Meanie," said Cameron, "which I believe is a Beatles reference."

Things escalated for the director in early November after the grisly discovery of a severed Mountain Banshee head in his bed.  After last week’s assault, which witnesses describe as "entertaining, ambitious, and exhilarating," Cameron sustained injuries to his clothing and parts of his ego. 

"I didn’t know my planet, Pandora, could unleash so many ills on the world," said Cameron.  "I didn’t see that coming.  Well, I suppose it is better than what they did to the Smurfs."

Papa Smurf, or what’s left of him, was unavailable for comment.

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Gallagher’s Autobiography Melonoma Moments Hammered by Critics
Gallagher’s Autobiography Melonoma Moments Hammered by Critics

After unsuccessfully suing the band Smashing Pumpkins for plagiarism, comedian Leo Gallagher has now set his sights on some much-needed book revenue.  Apparently in 1974, Gallagher tried to liven-up his act by hitting a member of his audience with a large sledge hammer.  This did not have the desired effect.  After his release from a West Hollywood jail, Gallagher felt more determined than ever to smash something with something else and earn his place in comedic history.  After his parole ended, Gallagher destroyed his apartment amidst a dark period known as his ‘pre-melonic phase’.  Inspired before a show in Anaheim, he decided to hit an uncooked turkey with a large medieval mace. Few people enjoyed the act, however, and one couple from Pasadena contracted salmonella.  Despite these setbacks, Gallagher knew he was onto something (besides antibiotics).

"Then one day it just hit me," said Gallagher, "…like a sledgehammer to a watermelon."  History was made that day and then splattered across a great many a venue.

Law enforcement officials have indefinitely suspended all of Gallagher’s book signings since last week’s ‘incident’ when an Oceanside man mistakenly dressed as a melon for the event. The fan died outside of a San Diego Barnes & Noble due to severe head trauma. 

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John + Kate + 8 + Psychotic Bimbo - John - $230K – Show + Burglary = Who Gives a Flying Fuck?
By Pierce Winslow
John + Kate + 8 + Psychotic Bimbo - John - $230K – Show + Burglary = Who Gives a Flying Fuck?
Pierce Winslow

If you had any doubt that America is on the bullet-train to Shitville, just take a gander at this whole John & Kate calamity. Honestly, why are we still talking about this? Why were we in the first place? Why is it still splattered all over the news, and, in particular, all over my TV? Why the fuck do I have to write this article?

R.U.S.H:  Reptilian Ultra Sapient Hybrids?
By Sarah Angelfire

Are the members of the band Rush aliens? A week or two ago, a guy I work with gave me a copy of the Rush compilation CDs. As I was unlocking my car, my head started to thrash involuntarily, to and fro, as "Red Barchetta" burst from the speakers as he started his truck. I had always loved Rush and had sung " Closer to the Heart " with my beloved LHU Havoc "Free Beer & Peanuts" band. And though the only Rush album I had ever owned was " Moving Pictures ", I knew every word to every song on that album as if it were downloaded directly into my brain via some alien transmission.

Poor Dad of Rich Dad Poor Dad Puzzled by Lack of Speaking Engagements
Poor Dad of <i>Rich Dad Poor Dad</i> Puzzled by Lack of Speaking Engagements..."People forget, Kiyosaki is nothing without my stunning failures!"
"People forget, Kiyosaki is nothing without my stunning failures!"
 
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Long Island Wal-Mart Celebrates Lack of Black Friday Fatalities this Year
Long Island Wal-Mart Celebrates Lack of Black Friday Fatalities this Year

Valley stream, NY–All went well at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart during Black Friday's early morning stampedes.

"We're proud of our crowd control efforts this year," said Wal-Mart store manager Patty Davy.  "Only a couple of people clawed and kicked for the last Zhu Zhu Hamsters and it certainly was all fun and games until someone lost an eye in aisle seven."

The store credits the smooth operation on changing the traditional uniforms to Clockwork Orange-style and management's decision to arm their staff with live cattle prods.

"It also helped that no one had any actual money to spend this year," said Davy.  "It took the edge off."

Not all opinions were positive, however.

"It's the busiest shopping day of the year," said Nancy Mullens of Valley Stream.  "You have to expect a few causalities of Wal (COWs)."

Another complaint came from Jon Heffron of Long Beach, "Look, this is as close to the Running of the Bulls as I'm going to get in this economy, and I wasn't even shoved once this morning."

Other shoppers shared this negative view.

"Black Friday should have an element of danger to it," said Frankie Devito of Elmont. "When a lifeguard yells 'shark', we're the kind of people who go into the water and drag the bitch onto land and beat it to death with our children.  I mean, not for nothun', this is Long Island.  Fuck'em if they can't take a tramplin'."

Manager Davy responded to the criticism, "It's true a lot of people wanted to kick it up a notch anyway this year but, out of respect for the dead, we decided to nix having our shoppers climb over mannequins dressed as Wal-Mart greeters.  But next year expect a move toward the stampedes of old, so pack your steal toed boots, bitches!"

Wal-Mart corporate headquarters hopes to ease back into the violent shopping sprees with a trial run in the spring called Tear Gas Tuesday and their Mauled at the Mall Barbie line is set for release in early Fall.   

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Cultural Facilitation for Dummies
By Pokey McDooris

Walking out the front door without a plan is my usual M.O. With no destination, I step into Limbo, walking on a whim. This method has lead to spontaneous creativity, synchronistic encounters, adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, jail time, and a liver the size of a Buick.

Monty Python Turns Forty! Discord Staffer Laments of Life Pre-Python

Nowhere, AZ - “Life before Python was a terrible ordeal,” stated Mick Zano to reporters.  “My first two years without them…”

Zano paused and sobbed for a time.  He believes he suffered from a deep clinical depression during that mind-numbingly bleak period four decades ago.

“I just kind of laid around a lot.  I didn’t talk much and I cried a lot.”

Zano claimed it was a lot like college. “I blocked it out. I remember next to nothing.”

When asked if he used drugs or alcohol to cope with the situation, Zano replied, “I had a binkie that I called binkie…I used that almost constantly.  I kind of hid my troubles in a pair of breasts, if you know what I mean.  But I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

When asked if Monty Python has influenced his work, Zano said, “Python?  Hell no.  I just regularly cut and paste their shit into my work, so I wouldn’t say influence exactly. I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I will taunt you a second time-eh.”

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My First Impression of Joining Facebook
My First Impression of Joining Facebook...You all look, er…great!
You all look, er…great!
 
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Breaking News: Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow to Fire Zano as Head Comedy Writer!
Breaking News: Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow to Fire Zano as Head Comedy Writer!...Yeah, uh, I’m going to need you to blog on Saturdays.  That’d be great.
Yeah, uh, I’m going to need you to blog on Saturdays. That’d be great.
 
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Jacko's Doctor Speaks Out: Sure I Moved the Body...
Jacko's Doctor Speaks Out: Sure I Moved the Body.........would you leave Neverland willingly?
...would you leave Neverland willingly?
 
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I Don't Care What You Do to Me...
I Don't Care What You Do to Me......I won't wear those damned ears.
I won't wear those damned ears.
 
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Werewolf Caught Drinking Pina Coladas at Trader Vics: Obama Vows to send the Envoy
By Dave Atsals

Today, Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner captured a werewolf, drinking Pina Coladas at Traders Vicks.  On the tenth anniversary of having his head blown off by CIA operative Van Owen, Roland was out stalking through the night, when he came upon a werewolf whose hair was perfect.  Roland knew instantly it was, Mr. Bad Example himself, the werewolf suspected of ripping out Jims’ lungs.

My Facebook Needs a Face Lift
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

A friend and fellow Discordian, who would like to remain Mickless, recommended we all register on Facebook, and I hate him for it.  I opened an account, a public one, no less, and thanks to Pierce Winslow’s great idea to use public accolades instead of our real names, well…let’s just say I’ve gotten about what I deserve.  NOTHING. ABSOULTELY NOTHING.  Facebook, or no, the expected herds of adoring fans have yet to materialize.  The sexy blonde female stalkers have not overwhelmed my home page.  In fact, I haven’t even had any hate mail.  Nothing, nada, nichts.   Worse yet, despite the endless spam ads assaulting my web searches, the awful truth is: there are absolutely no hot single women in my area waiting to talk to me!  None!  It’s all a lie!  AHHHHhhhhhhhh! Distraught and disenchanted, I turned to the internet to search for my true popularity.  Wikipedia’s search results for Dave Atsals are as follows...

A CEO Update: Winslow Insists Michael Jackson Spoof Articles Should Taper Off by Mid-to-Late October

Philadelphia, PA - The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, would like to reassure our readers that “there is an end to the Michael Jackson gags, I promise.”

Although, Mr. Winslow is grateful for the frenzy of recent activity and material related to the pop stars untimely demise, the Daily Discord is no longer accepting Michael Jackson related faux articles at this time.  Winslow reported to the press today that the articles in-stock should all be posted by mid-to-late October, barring anything unforeseen, or as Winslow put it: “a really funny one comes along that I just have to post.”

Mr. Winslow would like to apologize for many of the recent submissions, which he describes as “displaying considerably poor taste.”  Mr. Winslow would also like to apologize for the next several months of Michael Jackson related articles, which he describes as being “er,…displaying considerably poor taste.”

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Why I am Staying in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat Bugs
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Don’t panic!  The noise you are hearing in the background is simply the sound of our social institutions collapsing outright.  Newsflash: America is going to change and change in a big way.  Our politics, our media, our language, our culture are all slipping into a deep dark crevasse (luckily, plenty are now forming on our glaciers to accommodate).  Our money is becoming meaningless, and we have discovered the root of all suffering, besides Oprah.  Another stimulus package?  Are you kidding me?  How many times are they going to hit the economy with those shock paddles before it’s time to shut off the defibrillator?  But, that’s the bad news. As promised, here is some good news...

Michael Jackson Is Still Dead, for Now
By Pierce Winslow

The announcement that Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009, has taken this country and the entire world by storm. However, the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has uncovered evidence that Michael Jackson really died in a pyrotechnic accident while filming a Pepsi commercial way back in 1984. Apparently the character we have been seeing is really an animatronic facsimile of the pop star now dead for 25 years.

Some Important Feedback from the Holy Land

Dear Daily Discord:

My name is Muhammad Al’ Hussein, Sharia High Cleric, Cleveland, Ohio.  Today I read your Zionist propaganda, Newly Discovered Seuss Manuscripts Are Troubling.  This is more than troubling! In fact, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your infidel armpits!  Dr. Seuss converted to Sharia, and his true name became Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss (under pain of death).  These books you list are forbidden under Sharia law.  They give Sharia childs bad thoughts, not unlike your American sitcoms.  Your Zionist Conspiracy ideas is why true believers hate the Great Satan (aka, parts of Akron).  Go to local Sharia Library and read Sharia-Approved Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss childs books:

Amurican Education and that Bitch Kimmy Grenawitz
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

When my fourth grade teacher, Mr. Healy, asked for potential solutions to our country’s refuse problem I thought, in my typical ‘hey, I’m only in the fourth grade but have the balls to raise my hand today’ kind of way, maybe we should send all of the garbage into space, or shoot it into the sun or something.  That was the general idea, and, no, I still haven’t gotten over his reply.  Now, he could have discussed the cost of such a venture, or the logistics of flying daily to the sun with a shuttle full of empty milk cartons, but instead my astute teacher, who always liked Kimmy Grenawitz best, said, and this part I remember quite vividly, “Space is the last place we want to pollute!”

Space; infinite, empty space; our sun, the giant yellow incinerator, thingie.  Whaaaa?

The Daily Discord: 2009 An Editing Odyssey
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

One contributor asked about the Discord’s submission and editing process, and no it wasn’t Pokey McDorkis.  He still doesn’t have internet access, or a clue.   L. Wolfe asked me, why hasn’t my article (sent to Mick Zano six months ago) been posted yet?  I explained to Mr. Wolfe, in true Discord fashion, the way an article makes it all the way from host to post. 

How Science Fiction Lost Its Soul and How We Can Beam It Back
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

There are many reasons for the decline of science fiction. OK, in all fairness, my version of science fiction. As an avid sci-fi fan who almost never watches the Sci-Fi channel, I’ve started to reflect on where it all went so horribly wrong. There are many culprits. First, the movie Outlander comes to mind.  Outlander, not the Scottish decapitating swordsman dude, but the Sean Connery as an aging space-cop dude, was a sci-fi crossroads of sorts. This movie was simply a cops-and-robbers story set on one of Jupiter’s moons. For the first time, the setting, the actual reason we are watching a science fiction movie in the first place, took a backseat to a space-marshal human drama. Support your local Cylon?

Trump U.N. Hotel & Casino
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Located on an 18 acre east Manhattan site, the new Trump Hotel & Casino is set to open soon, or, as "The Donald" said "As soon as we can get the beds in the old offices, and the slot machines & crap tables in the auditorium".

Using a new "United World" theme, the Casino will feature marble steps, gold colored waterfalls, and the same carpet, which is a gigantic map of the world, now has large 3’ tall gold "pushpins" wherever Trump owns property. The flags of nations lining the main entrance were replaced with the Trump coat-of-arms. The entrance to its new eatery, the World Peace Restaurant, now sports a sixty foot L.E.D TV screen with rotating pictures of hungry shoeless children and Trump Hotels to the backdrop of the dulcet tones of Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World".

As for parking concerns around the new hotel & casino, NYCs Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said, "Now, we can actually ticket people who park in no parking zones!"

Kelly is referring to the long standing problem of "Diplomatic Immunity" and parking scofflaws in NYC.

"If you lost 16 floors of Trump U.N.," said John Bolton, "now that would suck!"

For reservations, call 1-800-The-Donald.

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Top 10 Butch Rocksters Showing Their Feminine Side
  1. Traffic’s Low Spark of High Heeled Boys (where to even begin…)
  2. Van Halen’s Jump (Jump the shark is more like it.)
  3. Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me (This coming from a pack of rock-god-posers who couldn’t even kill off their drummer properly.)
See All 10...
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Institutional Inhibitors to National Development (Besides the Discord)
By Pokey McDooris

Quantified Social Praise - I don’t care about your grades, just keep learning from everybody and everything. The world is filled with stupid straight-A bureaucrats and Magna Cum Lessas.  You may know them better as our CEOs and our government officials.

DNA Reveals Santa Slayer Actually Just Santa’s Helper

Covina, CA — DNA results now prove the Santa Gunman, responsible for killing nine people and injuring three others on December 25th, is not the real McCoy. Sometimes Santa Claus goes on a killing spree, but sometimes, just sometimes, he hires a Blackwater-like group of mercenaries to do his Yule-time slaying.

“It is a sad day at the North Pole when Santa Claus has to outsource his hits,” says a former consultant to the Kringle family.

The disgruntled elf is very disappointed with his former boss’ behavior.

“Granted, the naughty list is getting longer, but if the fat bastard feels strongly enough about homicide, he should do it himself.”

Fat Bastard, annoyed by the comment, is suing the elf for slander.

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Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles
By Pokey McDooris

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY 2008 PARIS HILTON’S NEW BENTLEY
CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY 2008 PARIS HILTON’S NEW BENTLEY...If half-million dollar Bentleys coud talk, this one would be begging for the crusher
If half-million dollar Bentleys coud talk, this one would be begging for the crusher
 
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Ozzy Sues Sabbath Tribute Band for Plagiarism
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“Those are my god damn f^&#ing mother f*$%ing words!” screamed Ozzy Osbourne after The War Pigs—a Black Sabbath Tribute band—completed their first set at The Zone last Friday night in a lower Manhattan bar.  As the lead singer attempted to explain that The War Pigs are a tribute-band, a major brawl ensued.  Ultimately Ozzy was ejected from the establishment along with several of is pharmacists.  Mr. Osbourne immediately filed a plagiarism lawsuit against The War Pigs and vows not to “bite the head off of anything” until this situation is resolved to his satisfaction.

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Dexy of the Midnight Runners Vows Second Hit Coming
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Dexy, of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, is off of his meds and back on the musical warpath. Several decades without a follow-up hit have not dampened the band’s hopes of a full resurgence.  When questioned about the band’s perpetual one-hit-wonder status, Dexy retorted, “What about Come on Eileen: Unplugged and Come on Eileen: the Instrumental?”  In a Discord Exclusive, Dexy told our own Cokie McGrath that the band is planning to name their upcoming chart topper, Come On Eileen…Really Already. I Mean for Fuck’s Sake, Woman.  Dexy later admitted this title might be shortened, edited, or set ablaze in a brown paper bag upon someone’s doorstep.

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AARP: 50 Years of Innovation, Inspiration, and Incontinence

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) celebrated its fiftieth anniversary this year. Finally, the AARP becomes eligible to join in on its own fun and savings. Prior to this milestone, the company either had to wait outside or pay the full-cover charge for such exciting events as bingo, stamp bingo, cage bingo, cow chip bingo, or full-body contact death-match bingo (not covered by most insurance policies). Remember, over the past fifty years some of the AARP’s most memorable moments involve not remembering moments.

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Hit By Economy Woes Disney to Lay Off Sneezy and Doc

According to Disney World officials, only five of the seven original dwarves will be returning to work this spring at Orlando’s Disney World. “Unfortunately, we just can’t afford to pay all of them anymore,” states Disney’s Chief Executive, Robert Iger. Iger claims to be in constant communication with Walt Disney’s head, cryogenically frozen at Citi-lab Orlando since 1966. “Walt agrees with the decision, whole headedly,” he joked. Iger refused to speculate on future cuts, but warned, “Grumpy better stay on his fucking Zoloft.” When asked about the tough decision, Iger stated, “Doc was a no-brainer. The kids won’t even miss him.” The decision to pick-axe Sneezy is less clear, however. According to key Disney insiders, Sneezy had an ongoing public relation issues, complicated by uncontrollable convulsive expulsions of mucus as well as financial problems. His out of control credit card debt was allegedly accrued at the Oriental Happy Ending Massage Parlor. Too often the sounds of Thai-ho, Thai-ho could be heard echoing along Orlando’s Orange Blossom Trail, amidst intermittent sounds of gesundheit.

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Pubs Vs. Clubs: The Case Against a Woman’s Right to Vote
By Pokey McDooris

Throughout my journeys, I’ve encountered many candidates for the quintessential pub. I’m talking about those uber-bars with gritty style and spirited atmosphere, witty hip characters, stimulating conversations, and delicious beer. I’ve noticed that these greatest of taverns often experience the one same problem—lack of single women.

With Heath Ledger gone will it really be a problem finding the next Joker?
With Heath Ledger gone will it really be a problem finding the next Joker?
 
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Top 10 Things to Slap on Back of Friend’s Unattended Laptop
  1. Shhh! Downloading Kiddie Porn
  2. Proud Inappropriate Toucher
  3. Hello Sailor
See All 10...
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The Rock Gods Fatal Flaws
  1. The Beatles (went to extremes to impress Jodie Foster)
  2. Led Zeppelin (shocked by death of drummer—didn’t they watch Spinal Tap?)
  3. The Rolling Stones (hired zombie/pirate to play lead guitar)
See All 10...
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Top Ten Worst Documentaries Of All Time
  1. Southwest Airline's Great Baggage Screening Outtakes Reel
  2. Going Up? The Musak Story
  3. The Accidental Martyr (starring Abdul "I strapped on what?" Rahman)
See All 10...
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The Sir Woody Chronicles
By Oscar Fogg
A fortnight hence, during a serendipitous ejection from Pugsley’s Public House, I chanced upon the editors of the “Daily Discord” who solicited me to compose an authoritative column for their publication. My area of expertise, I ascertained, is how to maintain a sophisticated lifestyle in shelterless urban environs.
Toward an Elightened Media
By Pokey McDooris
For good or ill, advancements in media technology have revolutionized the means and access of news dissemination and commentary.
Support From Superheroes for This Site Waning
Support from Superheroes for this Site Waning
 
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Discord Poll: One in Two Bears Ready to Devour Colbert!
Discord Poll: One in Two Bears Ready to Devour Colbert!
 
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Your Pets Don't Love You
By Tony Ballz
Your Pets Don't Love You
Tony Ballz

Many years ago, I had a huge black and white cat named Tux who stuck with me through some lean times. He was the first of several felines that I successfully trained to do their business outside instead of in a litterbox. He was a good cat.

Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives
Discord to Move Away From Content in Favor of 24/7 Pledge Drives, With our $50 "Gold" Membership you get a personalized Tweet
With our $50 "Gold" Membership you get a personalized Tweet
 
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The Captain and Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Prescott, AZ—1970’s pop stars The Captain and Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple's Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage.

Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—Dolphin Mothers Against Humans Nailing Aquatic Beings In Theatrical productions or D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T protested outside of the Daily Discord’s Philadelphia Tower today. Hundreds turned out to see these underwater mammals hold signs proclaiming the evils of dolphin pornography and push rubber balls with their noses.

93,000 Liters of Beer Are Lost Each Year in Facial Hair in the UK Alone
93,000 Liters of Beer are Lost Each Year in Facial Hair in the UK Alone, This new look is now a federal mandate. We can't afford to leave this one to state discretion!
This new look is now a federal mandate. We can't afford to leave this one to state discretion!
 
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Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
Stock in Grumpy Cat Collapses
 
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Hef and the Dead
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Hugh Hefner needed to be hip. The Playboy magnate could not let the times pass him by, he had to stay abreast of what the youth were into. The survival of his magazine, his empire, and the Playboy lifestyle depended on it. Uncool was not an option.

Finally a Sensible Bathroom Floor Sign
Finally a Sensible Bathroom Floor Sign
 
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Local Forty-Six Year Old Decides to Finally Take Down Farrah Poster
Local Forty-Six Year Old Decides to Finally Take Down Farrah Poster

Marion, OH—Joshua Linskey admitted to our own Cokie McGrath that his decision to take down the poster wasn’t an easy one. The Farrah Fawcett poster holds considerable nostalgia for Mr. Linskey, a nostalgia reaching clear back to his first masturbatory experiences.  Despite the impact of the emotionally charged event, the Ohio man tried to maintain his sense of humor.

"I guess sometimes it’s time to say Farah-well."

Before taking down the poster, he asked to be alone for a moment—a moment that took about ten unsettling minutes.  Then, with great care, he removed the poster in the presence of our own Cokie McGrath, who may opt to sue Mr. Winslow for his insistence she cover this story. Linskey denied allegations the poster, hanging in his room since 1978, had any impact on his inability to date.

"No, it’s probably just my grating personality, or, then again, it could be the Styx poster next to it." The Styx poster is slated to come down in the spring of 2014.

When asked what he does with the posters once they are down, Linksey replied, "You don’t want to know."

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Discord Sued for Wrecking Another Meme
Discord Sued for Wrecking Another Meme
 
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Eternal Damnation, Probably
By Dave Atsals
Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, "No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave." This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

The Daily Discord Is Almost As Good As My Bat Blog
The Daily Discord Is Almost as Good as My Bat Blog
 
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Pythons Reunite! Except Yoko Ono
Pythons Reunite! Except Yoko Ono, Stop! This is getting too silly.
Stop! This is getting too silly.
 
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Pepperidge Farms Alzheimers
 
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Walkers: They Have Always Been Among Us
Walkers: They Have Always Been Among Us, Gold Medal Winner: Hat tip Sean L.!
Gold Medal Winner: Hat tip Sean L.!
 
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Hi I’m Daryl. This Is My Zombie Larry and My Other Zombie Larry
Hi I’m Daryl. This is my Zombie Larry and My Other Zombie Larry, Bronze Medal Winner: you could win Zano if all of your jokes weren't 20+ years old!
Bronze Medal Winner: you could win Zano if all of your jokes weren't 20+ years old!
 
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Manscaping: You're Doing It Wrong
Manscaping: You're Doing It Wrong
 
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Stones Admit to Cameos in Every Walking Dead Episode
Stones Admit to Cameos in Every Walking Dead Episode, "We love the show and they save on makeup" —Keith Richards
"We love the show and they save on makeup"
—Keith Richards
 
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Tobacco Lobbyists Introduce Spokesman Kenny the Crawdad
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an attempt to increase cigarette and chewing tobacco sales to children, the Tobacco Industry revealed its plan to introduce its new spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad. This smiling cartoonish caricature of a smoking lobster-like-thing is already slated for television, children’s magazines, and billboards across our great nation.

New Development Rocks Muppet World!
New Development Rocks Muppet World! “Mee-Mek-Mee! Meek-Me-Mee!!” —Beaker
“Mee-Mek-Mee! Meek-Me-Mee!!” —Beaker
 
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Roddenberry's Tactics During Original Series Questioned
Roddenberry's Tactics During Original Series Questioned
 
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Titties and Jesus
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

How many times have you seen this? A supermodel or pop star or actress is attending some Hollywood hoo-ha dressed in her best chest-baring gown. I mean, her breasts are RIGHT THERE in everyone's faces. There's no missing 'em. Even Stevie Wonder is all, "Damn, girl!"

Nicki Minaj: Weird Science Gone Bad
Nikki Manaj: Weird Science Gone Bad

Boston, MA—An ongoing Daily Discord investigation into the origins of some of our more, um, screwy celebrity icons has revealed a number of staggering results, but this discovery is truly shocking. Nicki Minaj, "musician" and American Idol judge, is the result of a bad attempt at reenacting the super model creation scene from the widely popular 1985 movie Weird Science.

Cokie McGrath, Daily Discord field reporter, explained, "In the movie, the lead characters attempt to create the perfect woman using massive computing power and a Barbie doll. The result was a gorgeous model with incredible intelligence and magical powers. This situation, however, was a tragic accident."

Apparently a group of drunken MIT students, having just watched the movie for the 453rd time, decided to attempt the feat in their Boston dorm room, but they had limited access to dolls other than the blow up variety.

MIT Computer Science major Minimus Fallus added, "It was my little sister’s doll; she hasn’t gotten into Barbies yet. It was the best I could do. Sorry (sob), it’s like when Gary and Wyatt created that almighty missile at the end, a fiasco, and we didn’t have Lisa to clean up the mess."

Confused and saddened, the students simply cut their creation loose in Compton Court on the MIT campus. "We didn’t know what else to do. She was a freak of science," said, Fallus. "I can’t apologize enough, especially whenever I hear "Stupid Hoe" on the radio. Jesus, what have we done?!"

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Commissioner Gordon "Forgets" to Pay Bat Phone Bill
Commissioner Gordon "Forgets" To Pay Bat Phone Bill, After Affleck casting Bat Signal sold to Gotham Hyundai dealership
After Affleck casting Bat Signal sold to Gotham Hyundai dealership
 
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Labor & Industry, CPS Descend on Wonka Factory
Labor & Industry, CPS Descend on Wonka Factory, Is this Willy’s last wonk?
Is this Willy’s last wonk?
 
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Saudi Prince Admits to Playing Roman Moronie in Johnny Dangerously
Saudi Prince Admits To Playing Roman Moronie in Johnny Dangerously, "I'm going to cut offa you-oil, you fargin sonamabatches!"
"I'm going to cut offa you-oil, you fargin sonamabatches!"
 
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Record Store Day
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

At last year's Record Store Day I couldn't get my lazy carcass out of bed at 10AM, so I missed most of the goodies. This year I set my alarm. While perusing the list of releases, I stumbled upon the news that Motown was putting out a limited edition (5000 copies worldwide) of "It's My Time"/"Go on and Cry", the unreleased 1966 single by The Mynah Birds, the legendary group containing unlikely bandmates Neil Young and Rick James Bitch. The record geek/Neil freak in me salivated. Must ... have ... aargh (drool runs down chin).

Bonefoot: the Hunt for AZ's Bigfoot
Bonefoot: the Hunt for AZ's Bigfoot
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These Are Not the Freuds You’ve Been Looking For
These Are Not The Freuds You’ve Been Looking For, Some of you may be too Jung to get this joke
Some of you may be too Jung to get this joke
 
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LSD, Wilco, and the Monte V: A Cautionary Tale
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

 —Mitch Hedberg

We couldn't believe our luck. It was as if the heavens opened and the gods of good music rained down upon us their gifts and favors. My little vacation looked like this: on Wednesday, Jayme & Pete were coming down from the Canyon to Flag, where we were going to see Wilco at the Orpheum. On Thursday, we were driving down to Tucson to see Wilco AGAIN at the Rialto. And on Friday, I was trekking way the hell into the godforsaken California desert for the two-day Coachella Music and Arts Festival, where I was to see Wilco AAGGAAIINN on Saturday.

COMING SOON!
EpisodeXVII, WTF?
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Ninja Porn Now Available On The Discord
Ninja Porn Now Available On The Discord, Spot the naked ninjas for cash prizes!
Spot the naked ninjas for cash prizes!
 
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Star Trek: Into Beigeness
By The Crank
The Crank

Phoenix, AZ—After meeting Mick and entourage at a pool party on the surface of the sun, we decided to go see the new Star Trek movie the next day, en masse. As my lovely bride and I waited outside the theater the next morning, it was then I remembered that Micko doesn’t really do mornings, per se. He is more of a crack-of-nooner, as it were.

Boy Scouts Recognize Gay Youths!
Boy Scouts Recognize Gay Youths! Operation Shock and Wedgie to commence
Operation Shock and Wedgie to commence
 
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The Worst Song Ever Written
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

I won't whack near any shrubbery here: the worst song ever written, in my fleeting egotistical opinion, is "Tonight’s the Night" by Rod Stewart. Why this tune? Why not any selections from the Michael Bolton or Bon Jovi catalogues? Why pick on Rod?

Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite!
By Mick Zano
Mother Road Brewing and Deschutes Unite!

Flagstaff, AZ—Mother Road Brewing made the fatal mistake of informing The Daily Discord about an important event. On February 5th they combined forces with Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery to brew one spectacular Super Brew. It’s kind of like that Wonder Twins thing, but instead of rings they use vats. Wonder Twins activate, form of ethanol! Video preview at the end of the article!

Brah!!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

As I walked into the place, I felt like Frodo Baggins far from the Shire. It was a large hall full of people and every man there (as well as some of the women) towered over me. My height is on the short side of average (5'7 when I'm not slouching), but this was ridiculous. I estimated 15% of them to be past 6'2 as well. What the heck? I then realized where I was and relaxed. Of course. These were kind giants, stoned and peaceful. I was at a Karl Denson concert in the Orpheum Theatre, a natural gathering place for the 21st century hippiejock. I was among friends.

Ghidorah vs. Mozilla Flops At Box Office!
Ghidorah vs. Mozilla Flops At Box Office! Well, it was better than Flight of the Netscape Navigator
Well, it was better than Flight of the Netscape Navigator
 
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Thai Porn Restaurants Linked to Dolphin Exploitation
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Tucson, AZ—The shocking truth behind the link between dolphin abuse and Thai porn restaurants was recently discovered by Discord staff (quite by accident). I assure you we had no ideas those big black silhouettes of naked women had anything to do with porn. But with this story broke, the staff pledged not to rest until every porn establishment in the city was thoroughly investigated. It will mean long, late hours, with an increased expense budget, but that’s the dedication you’ve come to expect from this group.

New York Guido Meets Arizona Gun Show
By The Crank
The Crank

Mrs. Crank has of late voiced an opinion that we should be thinking about getting a firearm for personal protection. My first reaction was to ask, who was she and what had she done with the original Mrs. Crank? Visions of pod people and dopplecrankers danced in my head.

Beer And Bloating In Camp Verde
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

"WILLIE!" The sound jolted me awake from my catnap. I was momentarily disoriented: Where the hell was I? Apparently I had been seatbelted into the passenger side of an automobile traveling at a great speed ... and here it came again: "FUCKIN' WILLIE! YEEE-HAAA!"

It's The Water!
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

If I were to sit down and calculate the actual fluid ounceage of Olympia beer willingly dumped into my system during my 20s, it would surely make me barf. I would probably have to pee real bad as well. It's the water, honest. Olympia was originally manufactured by an independent brewery in Tumwater, Washington, founded before the turn of the century...

Discord Fraught with Major F-Ups: Apology XVCV
Pierce X. Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord would again like to apologize. This important e-zine has experienced some considerable growing pains in recent months. For one, we ran out of bandwidth during The Ghetto Shaman’s recent promotional: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. As a result our site crashed like a Value Jet in a microburst. There’s no excuse for that, especially seeing as how we only had four hits that day. Also, we now crank our marquee at the top of this site 24/7. Someone has to do that shit. It’s certainly not going to crank itself.

But the buck stops here! I, Pierce X. Winslow, take full responsibility for these recent errors and I am now immediately shifting all of that blame directly to Mick Zano, where it belongs.

In our recent article Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related" we thought the last Godzilla attack occurred in 2003 as depicted in Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. We completely forgot about Godzilla: Final Wars from 2004. Not to mention Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris from 2007. It took a reader to find this error and we have since fired those responsible.

For those following our marquee news, we already made this retraction: AS IT TURNS OUT IT WAS NOT BEYONCE AT THE WINSLOW TACO BELL LAST WEEK. In our defense, it really looked like her from the back, but we were intoxicated at the time. Still, it could have been her twin—her homeless, white, toothless twin.

Perhaps our biggest blunder of 2013 was our headline Louisiana Voodoo Shop Completely out of Curarine. Curarine is a skeletal muscle relaxant used during the creation of zombies. We apologize to all of those who were unable to raise the dead that week because, as it turned out, they still had more in the back.

As for the error in this article’s title, we don’t know a lot about Roman numerals, per say. Apparently we don’t know Latin either as I’m told it’s per se. Nevertheless, I vow The Daily Discord will be better in 2013. How could it be otherwise?

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The Discord Will Attend This Event!
The Discord Will Attend This Event!
 
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Cranky Predictions for 2013
By The Crank
The Crank

2012 is over, thank the Lord. Every year for the past five, I thought the next year just HAD to be better. How did that work out? Not so good. I sincerely hope this year will actually be better than the last, but ah-aint-a-holdin-mah-breth. Here are my predictions for 2013, which has implications for the global economy, rock & roll, and comedy bloggers everywhere.

Aliens Determined to Gangnam Style!
Aliens Determined to Gangnam Style!
So far they suck at it.
 
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Starbuck's Rosetta Stone
Starbuck's Rosetta Stone

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord, in conjunction with Ronco Linguistics, has created a 24-CD set that will leave you King of the Starbuck’s line. Do you want to order an extra pump caramel macchiato frappe latte? If you took our course, you’d know just how stupid that makes you sound! But don’t take our word for it. No, really...you shouldn’t. Here are some real live testimonies we totally made up:

"Within the first week I knew that venti meant large, which is stupid, but it really helps when you’re ordering on a line that’s out the flippin’ door."

And, "Don’t you hate the way the baristas correct you? Well, never again! You know, when you try to order a ‘medium’ and they say, oh, you mean our...umm, sorry, what’s a medium called again? I forgot."

Not convinced? Well, here’s what happened to The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman after taking our course. "Ah, dude, we said you can’t come in here. My manager told me to call the cops if you don’t leave."

Still not convinced? How about meeting someone who passed our advanced course?

"I walked up and ordered a triple grande, three-pump peppermint, salted, caramel mocha"!# and the Discord editors had no f^*&ing idea how to even grammar check that shit! I think someone even had a breakdown. But my barista understood."

And, "For the first time in my life I knew the power of being a yuppie-wannabe. I could finally take control over my ten dollar per coffee purchases (PCP) and so can you."

Shame on the Starbucks line can be long-lasting. It can even lead to something called Post Traumatic Starbuck’s Disorder (PTSD), which leaves many afraid to even approach a Starbuck’s counter. Don’t be left out in the dark roast. Order your CD set today and we will double your offer! Yes, all...what’s 24 times two? CDs shipped directly to your house for the low low price of $1,456. For the price of only about a hundred coffees, you too can turn shame into a false self-righteous arrogance today.

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Tahrir Square "Flash Mob" Stunt Ends Poorly
Tahrir Square "Flash Mob" Stunt Ends Poorly

Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived "flash mob" number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, "I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either."

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, "As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes."

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Another 2012 Apocalypse Theory
Another 2012 Apocalypse Theory: The Twinkie Mother Ship Returns...Angry
The Twinkie Mother Ship Returns...Angry
 
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Records Are Great
By Tony Ballz
Tony Ballz

Records are great. You youngsters call it vinyl, us old folks call them records, or LPs. Vinyl is what your car seats are made out of, or a raincoat. I have records by a band called The Raincoats, but I don't think a band called The Car Seats exists. I'll have to Google it.

 
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I Don't Always Appear on The Daily Discord
I Don't Always Appear on The Daily Discord, But when I do, their server crashes me
But when I do, their server crashes me
 
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Yet Another Empty Discord Apology

Our headline "Go Ahead: Take a Potshot at Obama's Face, Kooks!" should have read "Go Ahead: Take a Photo-op with Obama on Facebook".

"Flogging the Bad Parts to Stimulate Package" should have read "Flagging the Bad Parts of the Stimulus Package".

"Norse God Destroys Navy!" headline should have read "Morse Code Deciphering Baby!"

Finally, there is some lingering doubts regarding the legitimacy of the source behind our headline "God Admits to Fucking with Indonesia 'Just Because'".

Sorry for the wide spread panic and duress these headlines have caused the greater public. The Discord's CEO, Pierce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the mistakes, or as he put it, "The fuck stops beer." Mr. Winslow would like to also apologize for the last typo, as well, and incests, "It will never crap in my den". Mr. Winslow is going to stop commie-venting now for both your own pro-sex-binge and gizz.

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General Tso Wanted for Wok Crimes
General Tso Wanted for Wok Crimes

Xiangyin, China--General Tso, a man famous for his oriental deep fried chicken, is being sought in the disappearance of several #17s from the menu at the Jade Fountain over on 4th Str…umm, to be honest, Zano hasn’t submitted anything in awhile. He’s fallen off the radar again and, to complicate matters, so has the Ghetto Shaman. If I didn’t know any better, I would say it’s a Bruce Wayne/Batman kind of thing. But I‘ve seen both of these cats in the same place. The last time was at our company Christmas party back in 2010. I got them both very nice pen sets that turned out to be pencils. Besides, back to the Batman analogy, I’m afraid neither one of them can be described as mild-mannered. I think with Zano and the Shaman, it’s more like if Robin had a sidekick…and then Robin’s sidekick had a sidekick. That’s getting close to capturing the essence of these bananas, who, apparently split. See? These are the jokes I write when the main writers go MIA.

I really don’t know where this project is going anymore. I can’t control these people. Submission and deadlines are passé. Try envisioning the Marx Brothers on acid and you begin to understand the herding cats-type, Herculean task I deal with on a post-to-post basis. Really, it’s more like if the Marx Brothers hung around Cheech & Chong for a couple of "sessions" and then went to the Amazon together to gnaw on some hallucinogenic roots. Yeah, it’s something like that…only more out of control.

I am seriously considering going with my original idea—a psychiatric food blog. Stay with me here. So if you’re depressed, I’ll have a series of culinary recipes designed to offset some of those specific symptoms. Are you a little manic because of a bi-polar disorder? Try my Depakote Devil’s food cake. A little hyper? How about some Ritalinguini and clam sauce? Are you hearing the voices again? Try my famous chicken Thorazzini. I think it could taste great and really cut down on the mass shootings in this country. If my writers don’t resurface soon, get ready to order some of my FDA-approved psychotropic suppers!

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Can the Ghetto Shaman Save American Idol?
Can the Ghetto Shaman Save American Idol? We sure hope not...
We sure hope not...
 
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At This Point Wild Horses Probably Could
At This Point Wild Horses Probably Could, Just Sayin'...
Just sayin'...
 
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American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating
American Idol Judges Hit Lowest Approval Rating

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a "romp of humiliation" or "entertainment for the asses," has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, "We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!" McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

"It’s called capitalism," said McGrath. "It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?"

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

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The Discord’s Chewy Defeats Thurman Debacle
The Discord’s Chewy Defeats Thurman Debacle

Philadelphia, PA—Having just posted our latest round of retractions, it pains me to announce another grievous mistake so soon. Posting every day in this 24/7 news cycle world is often fraught with difficulties. Having said that, I, Pierce Xavier Winslow, take full responsibility for this error. Our readers have come to expect thorough and accurate reporting, especially since comedy sites like ours have become the last refuge of actual newsing these days. Newsing is a new, but legitimate, word—though it probably should not have debuted at this darkest of hours.

We now understand the following: in a bar on the planet Alderaan, Uma Thurman pummeled the crap out of Chewbacca—not, as we originally reported, the other way around. The rush of incoming AP wire reports were confused and at times even garbled, so we made an educated guess that Chewbacca would have mopped the floor with that scrawny bitch—however, it turned out that the wookie’s injuries actually landed him in Aldera County Hospital.

I had an itchy trigger finger, for sure. The only thing that kept running through my mind prior to posting was the scene when Han Solo said, "Let the wookie win." I really thought the wookie was going to win. The Discord news team received conflicting reports originally and we needed to get the post up as my beer was getting dangerously warm. My Photoshop team worked on pictures for either outcome: one with Chewbacca pumping his fists victoriously in the air and a second with Thurman doing likewise. I simply got it wrong.

Our news team also borrowed the image from gawker.com by turning the famous Dewey Defeats Truman! image into Obama holding the news in iPad form. We regularly steal stuff here at the Discord especially paperclips, but not others’ comedy! We keep our material original—and Zano cut this one too close! We took gawker’s original viral image, made it much funnier, and proceeded to get about six hits for our trouble...the usual.

Pierce Winslow, CEO

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Discord Apology XXXIV: The Smell of Fear
Pierce Winslow

These retractions continue to wear on me emotionally. I care about what we do here at The Discord. It’s important work. It’s God’s work...well, certainly demi-God’s work, or Demi Moore’s work. It’s work, for sure. Sometimes I spend days trying to turn the Crank’s string of expletives into coherent thoughts. I deal with a constant barrage of receipts from Zano and Bone for bar tabs, brothels, and massage parlors all across the southwest. "But it’s a haunted brothel, Mr. Winslow, honest!" Fuckers.

Our headline Iraq Wins the Stanley Cup! was obviously a heinous mistake. Jerry Lewis’s ICU Telethon was not our finest hour. We would like to apologize to JE-RRREY! and his family for calling his hospital room every twenty minutes trying to pledge enough to get the tote bag. In retrospect, interfering with medical care is just not funny.

Everything pales in comparison to our three full days of Cokie McGrath’s coverage while she camped outside of the Great Pyramid of Giza waiting for the Egyptian Parliament to emerge. What? I have to pay for this shit! If she could even learn to use Wikipedia as a fact checking tool it would be a vast improvement. Google it Cokie, Google it...fine, I will send you to a seminar on Googling.

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Art's Worst Comeback Attempt Yet?
Art's Worst Comeback Attempt Yet?Beaker & Garfunkle release of Bunsen Burner Blues explodes onto the scene
Beeker & Garfunkle release of Bunsen Burner Blues explodes onto the scene
 
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Lindsay Lohan Feels Dump Trucks Should be More Clearly Marked
Lindsay Lohan Feels Dump Trucks Should be More Clearly Marked

Santa Monica, CA—After being rushed to UCLA Hospital after slamming her sports car into an unmarked dump truck, actress and problem child, Lindsay Lohan, told reporters, "Dump trucks should be forced to wear lighter clothing or should be covered in more blinking lights so people don’t crash into them after drinking."

Lohan’s crusade against all things cloaked is not stopping there. The 26-year-old feels a similar initiative should apply "to all telephone poles, buildings, and pedestrians known to walk along roads."

Miss Lohan’s suggestions are not, as yet, gaining much momentum. Her initiative earlier in the year to "Make the Pacific Coastal Highway Less Windy" has also gained little support from California residents.

"Look," said Lohan, "I’m not saying it has to be straight as an arrow, but you try driving that bitch at over 100 mph with the spin monsters, bitches."

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Technology Bytes
By The Crank
The Crank

In a world where we’ve become so totally dependent upon electronic wizardry to do even the most basic of tasks, the failure of such technology makes us old timers long for the old days. The latest tech forces us to choose between quality and convenience. Do we wish to get off our ever fatter asses and actually ‘do’ something? No, we want something done ‘for us’ by the magic little Chinese dude inside our latest job robber from the east. Ask not what your Compaq can do for you, but what you can...a fuggedaboutit.

Shootout at the Batshit Corral Approved by City Council
Shootout at the Batshit Corral Approved by City Council

Tombstone, AZ—The Black Panthers recently put a bounty on the head of rock star and activist Ted Nugent for his recent incendiary remarks against President Barack Obama. The Panthers do not feel the Secret Service’s recent visit to The Motor City Madman will suffice.

Black Panther national spokesman, Chawn Kweli, told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "In recent weeks, we put out a bounty on the heads of George Zimmerman, Harold Steinman and now Ted Nugent for crimes against humanity."

When McGrath asked about Steinman, Kweli replied, "That cock sucker cut me off at the mall and took the last parking spot. I ran his plates and that mother f-er is going down!"

Ted Nugent suggested the Black Panthers meet him at the historic OK Corral in Tombstone Arizona to settle their differences. On Saturday May 12th, at high noon, Ted Nugent plans to square off with the three key members of The Black Panthers for what was once known as ‘the quick draw’. The Historical Society and City Council of Tombstone Arizona have approved the use of real bullets during this gunfight extravaganza, which locals think should "significantly boost tourism."

The Mayor of Tombstone, Kirby Jenkins, said, "We’re kind of hoping they just blow the shit out of each other. I know there’s some sympathy for Ted’s position around these parts, but at the end of the day the world will be a better place when Boot Hill has a few more permanent residents."

Gabby Johnson of nearby Rock Ridge added, "frRRrravish!"

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Oh My, You’ve Lost Some Weight!
By The Crank
The Crank

I get that a lot lately. Yes, the 800lb beige gorilla in the room has managed to somehow lose 30 lbs. Giving up nearly everything you love to eat apparently has that effect. When I was younger the only incentive to stay fit involved getting girls. But sometimes even then it just wasn’t enough (aka, boy those Twinkies and that 3 liter bottle of Coke look real good, but I better not if I want to gggaaaammmffff-glugglugglug). Oh well, so much for the diet or the date.

The Magnificent Apology Rides Again
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.

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A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...
A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...Sith Protective Services Intervened, but not before Vader was traumatized
Sith Protective Services intervened, but not before Vader was traumatized
 
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America’s Newest Trend: Anti-life Coaching
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Life Coaching has remained a fast-growing offshoot of the counseling field for years now. One clear advantage, you don’t need all of those pesky "credentials." Life Coaches help people reach for their true goals while taking their money so they have less capital to do so. Life Coaching affirmations include, ‘Reach for your full potential’ and ‘I’m so special, I deserve to do whatever I want and to hell with the rest of you.’

Another Discord Apology, Rides Again
Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-These retractions are coming at a fevered pitch lately, as the recession has forced us to outsource our editing to Canada and fewer and fewer of our contributors can afford their medications. Our recent post Hundreds of Dead Opossums Inexplicably Wash-up onto Gulf Beaches: Most Not Faking was not corroborated by the evidence.  The one image that sparked the piece turned out to be PhotoShopped.  Er, actually it turned out to be PhotoShopped by one of our own staff. So we will take the high road in this matter and do what President Obama won’t. As CEO of the Daily Discord, I would like to formally apologize to BP and to their former CEO, Mr. Hayward, you opossum killing wankers (OKWs).

In retrospect, our article Acetaminophen Linked to Headache Relief in Hung-Over Student wasn’t really news worthy.  We have slow days too, and slow days are usually complicated here at the Discord by the higher blood alcohol content of our staffers.

Dalai Lama Leads Police on Three State Car Chase was simply sensationalism at its worst. I have personally dealt with the contributor who sent us this exaggerated piece of pseudo-journalistic nonsense. And, to set the record straight, it was only a two state car chase.  I take some responsibility for this debacle, as the states in question were Georgia, South Carolina, and New Mexico. I have moved Google Maps to my favorites, so nothing like this should ever happen again.

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James Cameron Reaches Depth of his Box Office Flop Piranha II
James Cameron Reaches Depth of his Box Office Flop Piranha II

Mariana Trench—Film director and explorer, James Cameron, continued his hourly reporting from the deepest ocean depths ever reached until all contact was lost with his vessel, The Viagra Torpedo, yesterday morning.

At a depth of 15,000 feet Cameron discovered Newt Gingrich’s chances of winning the Republican nomination. At a depth nearing 20,000 feet, he managed to snap a couple of pictures of Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan. At 30,000 feet, he captured remnants of the U.S. Constitution, alongside select economic passages from Obama’s last State of the Union Address. And from the very sea floor, armed with only a robotic arm, Cameron managed to retrieve Dick Cheney’s moral compass This is where his descent turned south...well, south-er. Apparently, several glowing and undulating Abyss creatures "not at all pleased with how Cameron’s film depicted us!" surrounded his craft.

Then the research vessel topside asked, "Ground control to Director John, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong. Can you hear me Director John?"

Then he shouted, "Get away from her, you bitch! I’ll be back," and "Live Rose live!" which the director hoped people would find humorous yet poignant.

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The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
By Alex Bone
The Discord Staff Pledges to Binge Drink this Saint Patrick’s Day
Alex Bone

In an unprecedented move, the entire staff of The Daily Discord has pledged to drink as much as possible this Saint Patrick’s Day. When asked to elaborate, on what many are calling a senseless publicity stunt, CEO Pierce Winslow had this to say, "I know a lot of people drink quite a bit on Saint Patty’s Day already, but we are going to drink sooo much that normal people will seem like a bunch of nuns at AA."

Is Obama too Soft on this Wadiyian Tyrant?
Is Obama too Soft on this Wadiyian Tyrant?

Wadyia—Bordering on the country of Freedonia, Wadiya sits at the heart of the tribal region of outer Fictitiousitan. In an unprecedented slap to American exceptionalism, Wadiya’s dictator, General Aladeen, attended the Oscars and made a mockery of a noble American tradition.

Aladeen, known to many as the Tyrant of the Vine Street Lounge, has a list of atrocities as long as the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. Why did the Obama Administration and the Academy appease this cruel and inhuman dictator? Despite his gross humanitarian violations, they awarded him, not one, but two tickets to the Oscars as well as a parking pass.

Here is what the dictator said on his website after the Academy caved to his demands: "Evil and all those who make Satan their protector have been driven into the Pacific Sea."

He later clarified at an after-hours party that he meant the Pacific briny deep. Aladeen lives in the middle of the desert and has banned all Zionist maps and the internet long ago.

Aladeen told the Discord today, "I do not want this Twitter or this Book of Faces to allow my enemies to chat, or Meetup, or organize these flash of mobs. Wadiyans are a proud peoples, but they are lousy dancers with next to no fashion sense."

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, is outraged. "The fact he waltzed into the Oscars and caused a scene bordering on assault is an affront to justice. He was initially banned for a reason. We should be stuffing sanctions so far up his Islamofascist ass he’s shitting Koran’s for a week."

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Alex Bone: Arizona’s New Homelessness Advocate
By Cokie McGrath
Cokie McGrath

Outside the Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a freakish turn of events not seen since that last Crank feature, Alex Bone has sworn off all societal ‘responsibilities’ and ‘obligations.’ Inspired by the Discord’s own ‘Occupy Space’ movement, Bone Man has not only joined the ranks of the homeless, but is working diligently on a statewide movement for others to join him in his crusade against rent, mortgages, and roofs in general.

Live Blogging the Movie Twilight: Now I Know Why I Hate Anne Rice
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

I tried live-blogging the movie Twilight. Never do this. I would rather live-blog a hundred Republican debates in a pool of acid (not LSD). Not sure which Twilight thingy, exactly. Mr. Winslow would never reimburse me for an actual movie ticket, so this was purely a televised event. At least it was a night filled with monsters other than Mitt and Newt for a change.

The Ghetto Shaman's 'Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise' has been Indefinitely Suspended
The Ghetto Shaman's 'Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise' has been Indefinitely Suspended
 
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Edison’s Original Recordings Digitally Enhanced and Rereleased
Edison’s Original Recordings Digitally Enhanced and Rereleased

Los Angeles, CA—Warner Music Group has announced its success in gaining the rights to Thomas Edison’s masterpieces and then digitally enhancing them for the world’s enjoyment. The CD two set, due to be released next month, is destined to be a collector’s item, for those who really, really like collecting things.

"We did something very special," said WMG spokesperson, Guy Wiley. "We wanted to capture all of Edison’s greatest hits without losing the historical significance of his work, and quickly, because I needed to let the dogs out by four."

The CDs contain Thomas Alva Edison’s monumental reciting of Mary Had a Little Lamb, in all its historic glory. The CDs also contain a remix, rap version of the same nursery rhyme, like you’ve never heard it before! And who could forget Edison’s version of Little Jack Horner? Besides us. We had to Google the shit. The second CD also has a rare, never released version of Edison’s Shock the Monkey. Who knew?

Warner Music Group boasts the music quality reaches "almost 8-track level," which Mr. Wiley claims is a marked improvement over Edison’s original tin foil-coated cylinder-format.

"Frankly, we blow the Ediphone away," said Wiley. "It’s exciting to be a part of this, or so I’m told to say."

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America Bans Defective French Breast Implants in Favor of Liberty Melons
America Bans Defective French Breast Implants in Favor of Liberty Melons

Kansas City, KS—The Heartland of America is appalled by the recent recall of French breast implants. An investigation is currently attempting to determine the source of the defective silicone scare currently plaguing our pookas.

"The French are endangering our freedom, our females, and our foreplay! The three Fs." said Congressman, Steven Farley. "These people obviously hate us for our honkers."

Farley hopes the French economy will suffer "heaving losses" under the new breast ban.

One breast implant manufacturer is responding with the release of Liberty Melons in B, C, D, and OMFG! sizes. "We’ve been really titty fucked on this one, boys," said the spokesperson for Tits "R" Bust. "We want to fondle American made tatas only!"

Tits "R" Bust is also toying with the idea of releasing three other lines, Nation Knockers, ConsTITutionals, and Freedom Hooters, in an effort to capture the entire silicone breast implant market.

Opposition is already organizing. An "Occupy Bazzombas" group is now camped out in the valley to protest the company’s rampant nationalism. "Why would the word Bust be in the name of a company that makes breast implants anyway?" said one female protestor. "This is all part of the one pair-cents plot to keep me an A-cup forever."

Recent violence at the Occupy encampment has spurred a local Sherriff to warn, "Such upheavals could cause dangerous rack ruptures amongst the female protestors. Buy American next time, you damn hippies."

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Author Michael Griffiths' 'Zombie Christmas Story' Rejected for Lack of Gore.
By Alex Bone
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The story you are about to read is true, sadly…except the crawdad part and most of the dialogue. OK, the premise is true, the rest is bullshit. After nearly half an hour of grueling work, the infamous zombie author Michael D. Griffiths believed his zombie Christmas story was ready for publication. He could not have been more wrong…

Godzilla Always Has Trouble with Bra Strap
Godzilla Always Has Trouble with Bra Strap
 
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Horror Author Michael D. Griffiths a Zombie?
By Alex Bone
Horror Author Michael D. Griffiths a Zombie?
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story stranger than even his own dark twisted mind could imagine, Zombie fiction author Michael D. Griffiths has admitted to being a zombie. This has not only shocked his four loyal fans, but has sky-rocketed his Eternal Aftermath book sales to the point of clearing his advance for the first time ever…mostly.

Bacon Announces ‘Six-Degrees to Kevin Bacon’ Victory
Bacon Announces ‘Six-Degrees to Kevin Bacon’ Victory

New York, NY—Kevin Bacon is claiming the crown after being a critical component of a game/phenomenon that has spanned the planet for nearly two decades. The game, Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon, started circa 1994 and Bacon is now claiming, "It’s over and I won."

The Hollywood actor claims to have remained consistently ‘no degrees to Bacon’ each and every time he was challenged over the years.

"No one can dethrone me at this point. It’s over," said Bacon.

Experts remain mixed as to whether Bacon’s claim is justified or premature.

"He was wise to declare victory during his lifespan," said physicist Stephen Hawking. "Had he died before doing so, the game could clearly have ended very differently. Still, according to the theory of infinite possibilities, well, his victory is premature at best."

Kevin Bacon responded to Hawking’s statement thusly, "I don’t know you, Mr. Hawking, or should I say Mister two-degrees-from-Bacon at best?"

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Republicans Demand Muppet Segregation
Republicans Demand Muppet Segregation

Washington, DC—Heartland Congressman, William Marshall, is calling for the immediate banishment of all Muppets and all citizens who test positive for the Muppet gene. Marshall is not alone, as most real Americans feel Muppets are not real, nor are they Americans.

"They aren’t like us. They’re dangerous," said Marshall, an avid X-men fan. "We should identify all of them immediately and send them to that island off the coast of Africa with the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants."

Sarah Palin also joked about hunting Muppets from her helicopter.

"My fellow Americans are right about the need to sepregate these things from the general population," said Palin. Her staff then spent the rest of the night desperately trying to add the word sepregate to Wikipedia.

Radio television personality, Rush Limbaugh, believes, "It’s the job of the government to keep its citizens safe from any and all threats domestic and Fozzy." Limbaugh differs, however, on where to send them. "The Land of Misfit Toys near the North Pole will suffice. Let Santa Claus deal with these Henson genegineered monstrosities!"

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Geographical Answers to Global Problems
By The Crank
Geographical Answers to Global Problems
The Crank

Okay, here goes. You want world peace? Well, I think I may have some answers. I want you to look at the globe, not as a mixture of political boundaries, but a world of people sharing a pastime, or addiction, or religion. Frankly, all of this melting pot stuff is a waste of perfectly good marijuana.

We are Discord!
We are Discord! We Occupy Space
We occupy space
 
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Rise of the Archeostorageunitologist
By Ertel
Rise of the Archeostorageunitologist
Ertel

I have recently become extremely obsessed with the ever-expanding glut of TV shows about storage unit auctions, people taking one of a kind items into pawn shops and negotiating high-dollar bargains, and/or people rummaging around in dilapidated barns & garages for treasures that, I'm told, are high-dollar items. An antique vibrator?! $300. Thomas Jefferson's own personal butt-plug, hewn from Mount Rushmore? $4,000 all-day. A rare acetate demo of John Lennon fisting Yoko Ono with brass-knuckles? Actually, that could be ANY Lennon/Ono composition. But I'd still pay at least $2,000 for the chance to own it. This is my fault. I'm addicted to junk…thus my interest in joining Team Discord.

Another Job Lost
Another Job Lost, But was he anywhere near Obama?
But was he anywhere near Obama?
 
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Old Singers & 9/11 Don’t Mix
By The Crank
The Crank

In retrospect, when I watched the 9/11 ceremonies in Manhattan from my living room (a misnomer), it struck me, there’s a reason singers who had hits in their twenties shouldn’t try to sing them when they’re pushing seventy.  I watched Paul Simon, folk guitar in-hand, completely butcher "The Sounds of Silence."  You know what would have been more respectful?  Umm, silence?

"You've Got a Friend in Cheez-it" Campaign Causes Controversy
"You've Got a Friend in Cheez-it" Campaign Causes Controversy
 
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Bed Bugs on the Rise?
Bed Bugs on the Rise? What about Yosemite Salmonella?
What about Yosemite Salmonella?
 
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Man Sentenced to Barrage of Good & Plentys, Jujubes, and Popcorn after Failing to Place Phone on Vibrate during Spy Kids 4
Man Sentenced to Barrage of Good & Plentys, Jujubes, and Popcorn after Failing to Place Phone on Vibrate during Spy Kids 4

Miami, FL—One J.J. Evans of Hallandale stated he was "in the can" when the announcement came reminding patrons to please turn down all cell phones during the film.  Thirty-seven minutes later, just as one of the Spy Kids was about to do something truly amazing, Mr. Evans’ Samsung started blaring Snoop Dogg’s ringtone rendition of Nuttin but a "G" Thang

"It was my girlfriend," claimed Mr. Evans.  "She was just reminding me to unfriend my wife on Facebook."

Audience members believe Mr. Evans had plenty of time to correct his mistake but chose not to.  "It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had gone with Death to Weezy or something from Doggystyle," said one movie goer and Snoop fan.  "That would have bought the moron at least a few more seconds."

Since the incident, Mr. Evans is still suffering from PTCSD (Post Theatric Concession Stand Disorder).  After barely surviving the movie treat onslaught, Evans is still suffering from what he describes as headaches, humiliation fatigue, and a greasy unwashable stickiness. He can’t even smell buttery popcorn now without retching uncontrollably.  Evans described the assault as being reminiscent of "a bad mother fucking day at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory." 

Mr. Evans is planning to file a lawsuit against Regal Theaters as well as "that little bitch with the Jujubes."

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Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
By Mick Zano
Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
Mick Zano

Whenever my laptop takes a crap, every few months it seems, I send it to Dell and then march over to my local Rent-a-Center for a temporary replacement…all in the name of keeping this exciting e-zine percolating.  This will be my last visit to Rent-a-Center and this time it’s not because of the beer-soaked flat-screen incident.

"Job Creators" Discuss Plans for Massive Pyramid Complex
"Job Creators" Discuss Plans for Massive Pyramid Complex

The 427 individuals who now own the majority of the wealth in the United States are enslaving everyone else for the purpose of creating their extravagant burial chambers.   According to the Hopi, the Mayan, and that bald guy from Ghost Hunters, the need for large megalithic structures have occurred cyclically throughout history.  And those stars are aligned once again, signifying the onset of the granddaddy of all pyramid schemes.

Those jobs are finally here!  All you need to do is put on the harness—already en-route to your home—and then report to your designated quarry.  These are shovel-ready jobs, minus the shovel.  Due to the inherent dangers and mortality rates, there will be no workman’s compensation plans.  Oh, and if you mention the word "union" you will become a permanent fixture, so to speak.  Don’t worry Conservative types, this is just what our forepharaohs envisioned.  These are American jobs designed for real Americans. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna has addressed some of the skeptics.

"Think of it as a countrywide megalithic Jenga game. Look, the Egyptians built these things in a very arid region, thousands of years ago, under much harsher conditions."

Although, Dr. Hogbein does admit the Koch Brother’s decision to build in the Everglades "should prove interesting."

These mandatory opportunities will not only create jobs, but they will lower instances of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease across our great nation…at least for the survivors.  

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Sesame Street Still Forcing Ernie & Bert to Live a Lie
Sesame Street Still Forcing Ernie & Bert to Live a Lie

Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against "The Street’s" decision to define the roommates as "just friends without benefits." 

"It was an executive decision that we were not a part of," said Bert.  "And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!"

Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions.  "They alluded to it," said Bert.  "PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband.  We got the hint."

Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.

"Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk," said Ernie.  "Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse."

Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples. 

"At least we still have imminent domain rights," said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky "for a good many years."

The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.

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Damn, I still Hate Facebook
By Mick Zano
Mick Zano

Hate is a strong word, maybe loathe is better…yeah, fear and loathing on some God-awful social site.  Let’s be clear about this, I’m only on Facebook to promote the Daily Discord, which sucks!   Our other venues grow like social site Chia Pets, even when ignored, but Facebook?  What’s more disturbing, there’s something inherently wrong with Facebook and the whole virtual narcissistic cesspool (VNC).  As John Bender once said, "It’s demented and sad, but social."

Jeff Conaway’s Death Further Proof of a Taxi Curse?
Jeff Conaway’s Death Further Proof of a Taxi Curse?

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, fears that the surviving cast of the former hit television series, Taxi, is in grave danger.  He believes someone on the set must have angered a voodoo priestess, a Wiccan warlock, or some other diabolical dabbler in the occult.  Andy Kaufman, who played Latka thank-you-very-much Gravas died of a rare form of lung cancer in 1984.  Back then Dr. Hogbein was only just beginning to contemplate the possibility of a Taxi curse.  He thought about George Orwell’s book 1984 and Van Halen’s album of the same name. Eventually, he shrugged off his suspicions and continued his research on Midget Teeth Whittling.

"Conaway’s recent death made me sit up and take notice," said Dr. Hogbein.  "That’s not always easy when one considers my age and my blood alcohol content."

After palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab, Conaway died of complications involving the palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab

Dr. Hogbein estimates that, at the current rate of two actors per 26 years, the entire cast of Taxi will be dead within 104 years. 

"This is a conservative estimate," added Dr. Hogbein.  "Sometimes there are synchronicities and serendipitous occurrences that actually defy mere chance—like that night in Vegas when I both won money and got laid.  The Taxi curse is kind of like that for me...er, minus the money and the sex, of course."

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Join the Navy, we're not compensating for anything
 
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I don't always read the Discord
I don't always read the Discord, but when I do I throw up my Dos Equis
But when I do I throw up my Dos Equis
 
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