South Bend, IN—Eda Piersly made some very hot coffee one morning and, due to a combination of a wasp and a train whistle, spilled most of it onto her lap. Burned, angry, and American, she desperately needed someone to blame. Driven by vengeance and menopause, she turned to the Yellow Pages. Eda has yet to master The Google, although she is internet savvy enough to consider The Daily Discord a "liberal rag".

She explained her situation to a local lawyer, Stephen Smith, and recounted to him her gruesome tale of 2nd degree thigh burns. Mr. Smith, not prepared to go to Washington, explained how her original idea to sue the wasp had no legal precedent, but due to the brand of coffee in question he had an idea. Mrs. Piersly is officially suing the fictional Columbian coffee farmer, Juan Valdez, and later added, "And his little F&^%ing donkey too!"

The National Federation of Coffee Growers in Columbia explained that, Conchita, is actually a mule and offered to settle out of court for one bag of 100% Columbian coffee and one baggie of 100% Columbian cocaine.

Mrs. Piersly responded by raising her pinkie to the side of her mouth and saying, "The letters from my lawyer will continue unless you pay me one bajillion dollars!" Her statement was then followed by some sinister Mwah hah hah-style laughing.

Maplewood, MI—Upon returning to his old middle school after several decades, 39-year-old Christopher Pollock of St. Louis Missouri was "shocked that the shit back in middle school was so small." Mr. Pollock remembers things being significantly larger, from hallways to lockers to hallway lockers.

Mr. Pollock is not alone as a recent study conducted by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, suggests %83 of those who visit their old schools report a similar phenomenon, or what Dr. Hogbein calls past sizeular disparities (PSD).

Dr. Hogbein believes there are two possible causes for this highly prevalent anomaly: this is evidence of mnemonic cognitive shrinkage (MCS), which purports our memories themselves are actually shrinking over time to make room for more recent memories. Dr. Hogbein’s second theory suggests our world is slowly getting smaller due to an ever increasing gravitational field around the Earth, which Dr. Hogbein refers to as "the gravitational field around the Earth."

"Of these two theories I believe the least plausible," said Hogbein. "I believe a strengthening gravitational field is actually causing our planet to implode in on itself, much like the Republican Party of today."

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire.  The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

"There is still something called the 1^st Amendment," said Obama. "Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way."

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

"We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos," said Winslow. "I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in...or, in this case, a brew in."

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. "We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project," said Winslow, "but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated."

London, GB—The English Royals are having some considerable monetary issues at this time and believe desperate times call for desperate measures. Buckingham Palace has nearly 800 rooms and many of them remain unoccupied for much of the year. So in an effort to generate some much needed revenue and help parallel some of the rest of the country’s austerity measures, the royal family decided to rent out 450 palace rooms. Nearly 400 of the rooms have been leased to students from the South Kensington Campus of nearby Imperial London College. Thus far the arrangement has not been without its complications.

"We hope the fire extinguisher incident in the Throne Room is an isolated occurrence," said Her Majesty the Queen. "I can also assure you, any and all underage drinking in the King’s Library will immediately cease or those responsible will be thrown into the dungeon!"

The Queen was later forced to retract her statement as the dungeon is currently being rented out as an S&M club and adult shoppe.

The Queen also warned students today, "The Palace Guards have been given permission to punch the next person who attempts to drape any intimate women’s apparel on them. That shall be quite enough of that."

Furthermore, the Queen denies any and all rumors involving Windsor Castle being turned into a Bed & Breakfast.

"It’s preposterous," said the Queen, "at least not until we sell all the historic shit on EBay and totally redecorate, IKEA-style."

Washington, DC—Research from the Virtual Viagra Group (VVG) indicates zombie and other monster-related-violence (OMRV) has reached an all time high. Studying over five hundred children, VVG discovered zombie abuse was highly prevalent amongst those children locked into their laboratories without food or water for many weeks. (Please don't call CPS.)

Many fear the professional-hit-style murders are becoming almost instinctual. Through a psychological mechanism known as imprinting, researchers fear the "zombie head shot" will become even more automatic for future generations.

"You've heard of the Three Fs, right?" said VVG's CEO Joy Gropstein. "Food, Fornicating, and Foosball? Well, humanity is changing through subtle DNA mutations. In essence, we are adding another F."

VVG is diligently trying to work the words "zombie head shot" into another F, but despite their surge in funding have yet to satisfactorily wordsmith in this new addition. Gropstein has not ruled out changing the letter outright, "We're thinking about the Three Ss: sustenance, sex, and shooting zombies. That's all we got, but whatever we end up calling it we need to understand how our trigger-happy children may mistakenly shoot an injured homeless person, or perhaps someone simply on bathsalts and devouring the face of a friend."

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, couldn't agree more, "Kids will shoot at zombie-like things first and ask questions later. Frankly, we don't know enough about zombie behavior to make sweeping judgments. Picture the zombie just trying to drag home a corpse for his family? Now what are those hungry little mouths supposed to do? A percentage of zombies may even be vegetarian, who could perhaps be employed to devour the weeds in our lawns and gardens. What about zombies who are limbless or so grossly decomposed that they pose no threat to society? Our murderous children are going to shoot them all in the head, indiscriminately!"

Los Angeles, CA—Oscar the Grouch of Sesame Street fame flipped open his garbage can and spent nearly 90-minutes blathering on about Jack Klugman’s prestigious and trash-filled career. The shabby green Muppet explained to the grievers how Klugman’s role on The Odd Couple had inspired him to live in abject squalor.

The Grouch then announced, "It was the best of grimes, it was the worst of grimes" before reciting several other quotes, including: wise is he who collects the refuse of others, and Mother died today, or was it Klugman? Then he blew his nose into a something that might have once been a handkerchief and sobbed, "There wouldn’t have been an Oscar the Grouch without an Oscar the Madison."

Due to the length of his speech, fellow Sesame Streeter, The Count von Count, kept heckling things like, "One, two, three...three bad analogies, mwah, hah, hah!"

Klugman’s wife, Peggy Crosby, left muttering, "I know he’s having problems with Grundgetta, but if he shows up at my place with a frying pan, I’m going to brain him with it!"

The Grouch ended his outrageously long eulogy with a variation of the Most Interesting Man in the World commercials. "When the garbage man comes by, I collect him," said Oscar. "So when you think about garbage, think Dos Oscars and stay filthy, my friends."

Scratch and sniff copies of the eulogy are now available for those with strong constitutions.

Cape Kennedy, FL—Fictional character, Anthony Nelson, has died today after a long bout of reruns finally ended on cable television. Nelson, the lead man in the wildly popular late 60s television series I Dream of Jeannie, spent 42-years working as an astronaut out of Cape Canaveral, Florida. His claim to fame was finding a Jeanie in a bottle after which he not only failed to take advantage of any wishes, but he never really got any djinn-nookie from the attractive 2,000-year old cougar, played by actress Barbara Eden.

A neighbor and colleague, Major Roger Healy, added, "I don’t get it. She was hot. Not only didn’t he tap that shit, he cocked blocked me for years." Healy’s reaction is understandable, especially when one considers that in the late 60s everyone was nailing anything that moved, 2,000-years old or not.

Yesterday, after what many describe as a great run, Major Nelson succumbed to congestive ratings failure after WVPX in Cleveland finally stopped airing the show. The new head of NBC Universal added, "Apparently, we still get tons of letters each year addressed to Anthony Nelson. What the fuck is wrong with people?!"

Barbara Eden spoke highly of Nelson, remembering him as a man of character and integrity, but later admitted Hagman was kind of a dick.

Washington, DC—First Lady, Michelle Obama, is giving school menus a nutritional makeover. Critics claim this initiative is impacting a recent census on world hunger. Kids all over America are being added, quite unnecessarily, to those starving statistics.

Brussels sprouts were initially a welcome sight on cafeteria trays. "They make wonderful projectiles," said one young delinquent. The tide, however, is turning as children are becoming hungrier and ornerier.

The new bread is described by one teacher as "stale multi-grain slabs of blandness." Right before sticking two string beans into his nostrils, one student added, "We want our old bread back!"

In many states, hospitals are reporting a marked increase in tater tot related injuries. Violent food skirmishes, the likes of which have not been seen since the Midwood High Meatball Massacre of 1986, are reaching epidemic proportion, or as one principal put it, "None of our cafeteria workers are safe from pea to flinging pea."

Michelle Obama responded to critics thusly, "Bread? Let them eat gluten free cake. Oh, and next we’re having unsweetened beets and a wholesome rhubarb concoction is now being stewed into a type of low fat, vitamin rich porridge."

One 9^th grader told reporters, "They say I have to eat the rhubarb and I say, no, no, no."

When asked if drone strikes will be considered against districts not in compliance with the First Lady’s standards, President Obama said, "No options are off the table...well, a lot of aerodynamic vegetables may be, but no options."

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

"Umm, we get enough of that," said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. "We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly)."

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, "The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover."

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, "Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!" He then shouted, "To infidelity and beyond!" but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

New Paltz, NY—Jackson Nellis has remained bent over in his yard with his pants down for the better part of six weeks, awaiting the coveted passing of the Google Street View vehicle.

"I don’t understand it," said Nellis. "They were supposed to be in my neighborhood last month. Is it too much to ask for a man, who lives on a fucking road in the very fucking neighborhood that Google is supposed to be mapping out, to get his fucking picture taken?!"

Mr. Nellis reports his neighborhood was very new the last time Google mapped the area. "The last update of my street still has my neighbor’s monstrosity of a fucking boat in the front lawn. But I had the home owners’ association deal with, Captain A-hole, and the rest of Gilligan’s junk yard."

When asked why Mr. Nellis thought it was so important to capture his ass on Google Street View, he said, "Kids have the ice cream truck and I don’t like ice cream. Look, did anyone ask Criss Angel why he painted shit on the ceiling of that Italian fucking church? Did anyone ask Albert Einstein why he invented the atom? I don’t fucking think so."

When explained how Google Street View edits out all inappropriate images before posting, Mr. Nellis let forth a string of expletives not heard since paragraph two.

Los Angeles, CA—The Social Phobia Facebook group has a good following in the greater Los Angeles area, yet none of the 51 active members have managed to attend any of their 78 scheduled meetings since the group’s inception in the Spring of 2010.

The Meetup group organizer, Stanley Stehenside, had this to say, "Our 22nd Meetup came very close to actually happening as Mr. Filkins made it to within yards of the diner in question and I came within two blocks before running back to my apartment in sheer terror. That was an exciting day for all of us."

The Meetup members are hopeful their 79th Meetup will break their losing streak.

"We have a plan," said Mr. Stehenside. "Two of our members live in the same building, so we’ve chosen their lobby for our next Meetup location. We’re confident at least two of our members will be present. That is, if Miss Hidesley can get over her fear of stairs and elevators by then."

The group has an extra special itinerary for this next, all important meeting, "We’ve made arrangements with the building manager to host a poetry slam and a very open mic night, as no one is likely to go near the bloody thing," said Stehenside.

The group organizer stated he has already finished a poem that he plans to not read during the event entitled, "For fuck’s sake, woman, close those god damn blinds!"

Los Angeles, CA—Actor Daniel Radcliffe, of Harry Potter fame, admitted to the press today his fate to one day face Lord Voldemort was "just too much" and may have contributed to his heavy drinking on the set.

The Potter actor feels his naked escapades with those horses in that Broadway play "didn’t help." In retrospect, Radcliffe is just happy he managed to turn down that "Katharine the Great meets Trigger" screenplay.

Radcliffe also blames his boozular indiscretions on the eclectic and unpredictable teaching styles of the professors at Hogwarts. "Professor Snape always exuded pressure, not to mention the crazies and the ones who turned out to be werewolves," said Radcliffe, "and I don’t recommend taking Potions & Herbology three times, if you follow."

Friend Luna Lovegood has a different angle and "suspects Nargles" as the main reason Potter was always potted.

Championing a different theory, Dr. Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute of Wizardry, believes J.K. Rowling’s "butterbeer" is a gateway fictional drink.

"I don’t recommend spending your whole childhood drinking something called butterbeer out of a beer mug in some dingy castle pub. It’s a slippery nipple...er, slope. First you start nipping a little butterbeer and the next thing you know you’re chugging Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe."

Tehran, IR—Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced his diabolical actions on the evening of December 25th. Iranian scientists claim to have successfully reverse-engineered Santa’s GPS coordinates and guided the jolly old saint and his sleigh into a field northeast of Tehran.

"We wanted to capture the fat bastard with all the goods, but his flight plan made it easier to nab him during his return to the North Pole," said Ahmadinejad. "We now plan to harness Santa’s secrets to bring down the great Satan known as America."

The sleigh is reportedly in mint condition, because of all of Santa’s mints, but the North Pole is denying claims that, during the initial encounter, Santa used some of his Christmas elves as human shields.

"They’re not human," said Mrs. Claus, "take my word on this one."

The Obama Administration is considering this an act of war.

"This is an outrage," said President Obama. "We want Santa back without a hair harmed on his chinny chin chin."

Obama then made several other cutsie Yule-time-anologies (YTAs), before hurling his teleprompter at the nearest wall.

"Who's going to bring me a new one next year!" blubbered the President as he stormed off stage.

Sadly, Santa and his reindeer were interrogated by Iranian officials on December 26th and then stoned to death for practicing sorcery. Stocks tumbled today with the news Christmas, as we know it, has ended.

Kidding! Santa kicked their heathen asses all over the desert and made it home for dinner.

Philadelphia, PA—It’s time once again to right our wrongs and apologize for our vast array of incompetent pseudo journalistic meddling (IPJM). Which reminds me, we are also sorry about all the lousy acronym jokes (LAJs).

First off, Breast Awareness Month should have been Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  We are sorry for all of the inappropriate boob-ogling that ensued, but it’s really kind of the baseline here at Discord Central. 

We also do have one quote retraction.  "I hired Roger Ailes because he was hot and got ratings," – Sarah Palin.  Umm, although Roger Ailes is a sexy, old, bald, fat guy, this is clearly a case of the old switcheroo.

Our feature Early Pullout Causes Trouble for Discord Interns should have been Early Troop Pullouts Cause Trouble & Discord for Iraqis. I have personally sent a harsh memo to the Discord contributor involved, who we will leave Zanoless.

Finally, we would like apologize for our recent feature Top Ten Things You Should Never do to a Panda.  In retrospect, we realize the post was in poor taste and may have given some ideas to those sociopathic individuals among us.

Springfield,??—The animated series The Simpsons is battling significant budget cuts this season.

When told about the need for some serious belt tightening, Homer Simpson of Springfield said, "That’s physically impossible."

His neighbor, Barney Gumble, is said to be drinking heavily again after finding out he’s among those cut.

"I only have three words on my resume: I can belch," said Gumble, who questions if he is employable in this economy or if he even spelled belch correctly.

Marge Simpson will only have one sister next season, Selma.

"Patty was the obvious scratch," said Simpson creator Matt Groening. "Dr. Nick is being charged with the overdose of actor Troy McClure, so they’re both gone. You may know McClure from such westerns as The Good, the Bad and the Dickish and For a Few Dollar Whore. We are also cutting Duff Man, Mole Man, Bumble Bee Man, and anyone else whose name ends in ‘man’."

Side Show Mel was also among those cut.

"I knew when they said one of the Side Shows had to go that I was screwed," said Mel. "Do you know what it's like to be the side show of a side show? Of course you don't!"

The richest man in Springfield, C. Montgomery Burns, remains all but unaffected in his mansion overlooking town.

"Nonsense, I had to part with one of my flying monkeys," said Burns. "OK, it was already dead, but I don’t want to seem unsympathetic. Flying monkeys don’t grow on trees, you know, except in that one episode."

Las Vegas, NV—For the first time in many years, Juan Guerra of Henderson, NV is shelving his Elvis Presley impersonator outfit. Guerra, best known as skydiving Elvis #11 in the movie Honeymoon in Vegas (1992), said the transformation for him was a bittersweet one. Mr. Guerra has been donning the same white rhinestone-speckled suit for the better part of twenty years.

"Fremont Street will miss the old routine," said Guerra, "but Elvis has left the building."

As for the decision to change his act to an explorer and famous missing person, Amelia Earhart, Guerra said, "No one personifies Vegas quite like Earhart," said Guerra. "Now that bitch could gamble!"

Mr. Guerra was reluctant to talk about his short-lived attempt in the 90’s to become an Elvira impersonator.

"Doctors just didn’t have the technology to give me the necessary mammarage," said Guerra. "They also warned me if a silicone pouch that size ruptured, it could flood surrounding low lying areas."

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time.  We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity.  Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.

Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.

On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter.  In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.

Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well. 

I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine.  The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help.  On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!

Gettysburg, PA—Iris Kleinmind is undaunted by the release of Obama’s full birth certificate.  Despite the latest proof, she plans to continue her Birther Meetup group at the Lincoln Diner on Saturday nights at 6:00 PM.  Mrs. Kleinmind’s social group started as a Tea Party Meetup, until they realized taxes were the lowest they’ve been in decades.  Glenn Beck then inspired the ladies to start a George Soros is Hitler Meetup group.

"But then we stopped understanding Mr. Beck, with or without our medications," said Kleinmind, "so we went with a Kenya Boy was Raised in a Madrasah Meetup, which fizzled out quickly, I’m afraid."

Kleinmind went on to say her Shutdown ACORN! Meetup was her personal favorite.

"When ACORN was finally shutdown we cheered and cheered….well, until NYC prosecutors cleared them of all criminal wrongdoing because the tapes were doctored." 

When asked about her longest and shortest Meetup groups, she said, "The Death Panel Meetup group had a nice run, until we made the mistake of actually reading the House bill.  We never should have done that.  And the shortest was our Shirley Sherrod Sucks Meetup group, which only lasted until they released the rest of her speech the next day."

A series of social Meetup blunders has left Kleinmind’s group more determined than ever.  She still believes, "The truther is out there!"  And, whereas she is saddened how Osama bin Laden’s death ended her Obama’s Soft on Terror Meetup, she is happy to announce her next idea: Obama Hates Israel our Closest Ally Meetup group.

"This one is a sure thing!" said Kleinmind.

Washington, DC-It’s one giant step for pituitary problems as the Supreme Court agreed giant people are now deemed the Pants Impaired minority.   Success hasn’t been easy for this group as Congress recently rejected their Plane Seat Impaired minority status as well as their Doorway Disabled claim.  

"These damned hobbit designers want to carve the world into their own image no matter who they hurt along the way. My head is a phrenologist’s dream!" said one tall, bumpy-headed person.  "And Kevin Smith couldn’t get on a plane until he lost weight…what do you want me to do? Gnaw off my own feet at the shins?"

An advocacy group, Giants Against Stereotyping (GAS), has been fighting for giants’ rights ever since Zeus cast them out of Olympus.

The president of GAS had this to say, "You don’t know the horrors of ordering special pants! We certainly deserve a tax break for the hardship, the extra cost, and the endless basketball jokes."

A very tall person indeed had this to say: "We’re not monsters, Yeti, Sasquatch, or anything else you damned puny, midget-dwarf Halfling sons-o-bitches want to call us!  And, yes, we find the New York football team and the San Francisco baseball team offensive. "

"It is hoped the new legislation will shut these freaks up for a while," said an average sized congressman from the Midwest.

Enlarge...

Hobbiton—47 hobbits are missing and presumed dead after Google sent hundreds of unarmed Shire folk into the wilds of middle-Earth to draw the surroundings of each and every path. The ambitious plan was to cover all the land from the Grey Mountains to Mordor. Despite being nearly five years into the project, only an estimated two percent of middle-Earth has been captured in their Path View.

The partially eaten remains of Bimbo Boffin of Bugger Downs was found in a tree north of Bree, and the torn and bloodied clothing of Friskycoot Titgroper of Hobbiton was found in a warg den in the heart of the Misty Mountains.

"We sincerely hope the rest of the Hobbits all make it back safe and sound," said Google CEO, Larry Page. "We only went with Hobbits after the Riders of Rohan and the men of Gondor told us to piss off."

Page went on to extend his deepest sympathies to the families of those devoured.

Page also told reporters, "Google is sending people to help find the other 45 missing Hobbits and that all Path View activity has been suspended until a better strategy, one that doesn't involve Hobbits in any way, can be developed."

Washington, DC—Soon after a professor from Auburn University, Allen Gribben, set to the task of removing all 200 instances of the word "nigger" [Winslow: yeah, I printed it] from the Mark Twain classic Huckleberry Finn, something very strange occurred.  A week later all 200 of the stricken "N" words appeared inexplicably dispersed amidst Hillary Rodham Clinton’s 2006 classic, It Take a Village.

"It’s amazing that anyone discovered the culturally insensitive words so quickly as who would be reading that shit?" said an undisclosed White House spokesperson.

Every copy in existence seems effected, which the gifted physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking describes as "odd." 

These two disturbing occurrences occur in the section on gun control:

The Brady Bill, which my husband signed into law in 1995, imposes a five-day waiting period for gun purchases, time enough for authorities to check out a ("N"-word)’s record.

After many years of working with and listening to American adolescents, I don't believe they are ready for ("N"-word)s or their potential consequences.

Hillary Clinton reports being "mortified" by the discovery and has already set to the task of crossing out every "N"-word in her book in any and all copies, "…before Michelle finds out."  Of course, Mrs. Clinton is not doing this personally—she reports having "people for that."

Neither Simon nor Schuster were available for comment.

Seattle, WA—As for caffeine, Starbucks has always pushed the legal-limit envelope.  Sure there’s no legal limit for caffeine, but Starbucks represents the poster child for why we will eventually need one.  Before today, there were only such trendy sizes as Short (tiny), Tall (small), Grande (medium), and Venti (large). But America is all about supersizing shit, so Starbucks broke out their trusty Italian dictionary and came up with another swank word for ridiculously-oversized. Their new extra-large, the Gigantesco, translates as—we don’t know exactly—but it’s probably synonymous with permanent insomnia.  It represents 146 oz of specialty coffee with 24 shots of blood-pressure-enhancing espresso.  It’s nearly 3x the size of 7-11’s Big Gulp and you need to sign a waiver when you order it.  Oh, and financing is available for those who qualify.

A Starbucks’ spokesperson told the press today their new drink "has enough caffeine to give a rhino a schizophrenic break."

By the way, this may well end up being the corporation’s new motto. 

They would also like to add, "Fuck you, Red Bull."

Competitors over at Seattle’s Best argue the validity of Starbuck’s rhino analogy.  They believe the rhino in question would have to have had a predisposition for schizophrenia.

Starbuck’s maintains they are just trying to give Americans what they want, the jitters.  This is a fast-paced world, and it’s about to get even faster.  Head to your nearest Starbucks today and bring a friend…no really, it takes two people to carry it out.

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  "Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!" said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

"I just want him gone," said Winslow.  "He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent."

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  "I’ll be just fine," said Zano.  "Well, at least until the background check comes back."

Philadephia, PA—It’s that time of the news cycle again.  We have limited our retractions this time to those episodes causing great personal damage or loss of life (otherwise we could be here all day).

Our journal submission Study Finds Sending Water to Flood Victims Ironic did not stay afloat under the peer review process.  Besides, there’s nothing funny about dysentery or cholera—even when worked effectively into a pun.

In our feature, Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Pull the Last Airbender’s Finger, three of the reasons were deemed "a bit of a stretch."   But, we do stand by our original premise that it is still not advisable.

At the end of the day, The Discord staff admits our feature Global Drought May Spread does not represent journalism at its finest.

Finally, we would also like to apologize to the U.S. Army for endangering our troops in the field during our ill-fated Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day.  We are willing to stand by our offer to pay for all of the dry cleaning bills (for any legitimate claim), provided the Imams in question stop calling for our beheading.

Wasilla, AK—Some claim the lady doth protest too much, but is the Tea Bag Queen making a run for literacy? MILF Theatre, in conjunction with Portrait of a Blinking Idiot.com, presents Sign on My Facebook and Tell Me You’ll Vote for Me.

Set your tweets on Elizabethan as Palin conjures some literary magic.  Sarah has clearly done some amazing things with wordage, verbiage, and phonics-age. Act now and receive all of the Bard of Wasilla’s witticisms during this limited time offer. 

You’ll get such classic social site moments as: To tweet or not to tweet, you betch ya’ and Tax cuts are such sweet borrow. And, of course: To suffer the slings and arrows of refudiated progressives.  And, who could forget?  A course! A course! My kingdom for some eduma—a course!

But wait!  If you act now, you’ll get Et tu Brut by Faberge, as well as all 27 butchered words from, Lord what fools these liberal bloggers be.  And what offer would be complete without A plague on both your houses (and, by both, I mean Liberals and Progressives).  If you order right now, you’ll also receive the entire personal collection of Levi thou art a little shit tweets, for no extra charge.

All the world’s a stooge, folks, and we are merely Palins!  Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have busts thrusting and heaving with perky nipples!

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has announced their intention to name November, 2^nd "National Masturbation Day"!  A large masturbatory event is being planned at the Wank-off Astoria next week and many of the Discordians are planning to attend, bird in hand.  It’s being marketed as a peter-pulling, meat-beating ex-strokeoff-ganza!

"Why would Christine O’Donnell and her ilk support teabagging, but not pud-pulling, in the first place?" asked the Discord’s Ghetto "Shucking-bubba" Shaman. "We came very close to losing a practice very dear to me, but, spankfully, we all went into our individual pulling stations this week and tossed off a vote for freedom."

When asked if the Discord is a staunch supporter of masturbation, CEO Pierce Winslow, said, "Certainly not.  But, like it or not, it’s a hard piece of reality." He then cited the controversial court decision, Roe v Wank:  "Ultimately, I want such practices to be kept safe, legal, and rare."  Winslow warns if we outlaw the practice, "it will simply go underwear…er, underground.  Sorry, that was a Freudian slip-n-slide."

Celebrate your masturbate, people! And remember, folks, you don’t have to be a member to play with your member.  The first one hundred patrons ride the Super Glide all day, free!  Don’t forget to stop by our Viagra, salsa, and lotion bar, and don’t miss our special guest speaker Paul Reubens! We’re expecting John Boehner to boycott, however John Boner will almost certainly be in attendance.

Void where inhibited.

Pyrgos, GR—A disturbing discovery in a sea cave near the Grecian city of Pyrgos brings into question the entire life’s work of one, Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss. The ancient scrolls, discovered by archeologist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, suggest the children’s book author is a fraud.

"He’s a crook in my book, a scamazon in my Amazon, a swindle in my Kindle," said Dr. Hogbein to reporters.  "The real author of those childhood gems was, none other than, the head of the Greek pantheon, Zeus himself!"

Once cleared, the cave walls were found to be covered with numerous children’s stories, such as The Grinch who Stole My Lightening Bolt, Green Eggs and Ambrosia, and There’s a Cracken in My Shacken.  In an adjacent cave, Dr. Hogbein deciphered: If I Ran Olympus, Horton Hears a Harpy, and one of Zeus’s personal favorites, Oh, the Places You’ll Go: When Hera Finds out About You, Mortal Bitch!

The final and perhaps most sinister tale is entitled: One Fish, Two Fish, Red fish… Fuck My Brother, Poseidon, and the Seahorse He Rode in on!

The sea cave is feared to be cursed as, later that night, several members of Hogbein’s expedition became ill during a local bar crawl. One member was unable to continue the excavation until the following day.  And…well, that’s about it, but it’s still pretty suspicious. 

New York, NY—In what is being hailed as a desperate move to win hearts and minds, Barak and Michelle Obama are starring in an adaptation of the classic film, Mary Poppins.  The play is set to open this week on Broadway, while many are left asking the acronym-laden question, BWTF?  During the three hour performance, the Obama’s sing and dance their way through a number of Poppins’ classics such as: a spoonful of stimulus makes the medicine—you can no longer afford—go down, and SuperStimulisticHealthcarexpialadocious!  Even though the price of it is something quite atrocious. 

Three Obama lawyer associates, from the law firm of Rodger, Rodgers, and Hammerstein, successfully bring the musical score back to an age when the musical theater genre should have been left in a nearby dumpster.

Reviews are harsh and Michelle Obama’s performance is described as "decidedly sucky" by the New York Times.  The most controversial number occurs near the play’s finale when our sitting President sings the lyrics: Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim Fuck Bush.

"I thought that the whole thing lacked a certain class," said our own Bald Tony, who, to show his disapproval, made fart noises throughout the second half of the play—until he was pistol whipped by the Secret Service.

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has "no idea" how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a "masseuse" on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, "Bad man.  Bad tipper."

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, "He’s really not that interesting."

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, "Sure, but he’s still not that interesting."

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, "Did you find everything OK?" then added, "Could I marinate your arm overnight?"

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but "Not too closely. He tends to bite," said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, "If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?"

A recent unscientific poll conducted in a bar by drunken Discordians suggests that people don’t like Discord reporters approaching them when their "this drunk." A second poll, involving massive quantities of microbrews, can only be described by this reporter as implementing something now termed enhanced polling techniques. A third poll, not at all appropriate for minors, reveals something even more intriguing. People are far less enthusiastic about a visit from a Jehovah Witness than any--we made shit up about Jesus and wear magic underwear--Mormons.  Here is an actual conversation between Pokey McDooris and two unidentified pedestrians:

Pokey:  "Are you Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses?"

Pedestrians: "We’re Mormons."

Pokey: "Whooo Hooo! I win a beer!"

I think this exchange enhances our understanding of the problem this nation faces, although we’re not exactly sure how.

Chicago, IL­ - The Onion’s Area Man, known for such cutting edge commentary as Area Man Depressed Despite Happy Hour and Area Man to Rent All Planet of the Apes Movies, has been seriously injured by Bat Boy. Bat Boy, of Weekly World News fame, is known for such controversial headlines as Bat Boy Uses Radar to Procure Hookers as well as Bat Boy On Ice!

The handlers of Bat Boy claim, "He’s just an excitable Bat Boy."

They also believe Area Man must have taunted him, or said something to offend Bat Boy’s delicate sensibilities.

"Or he was just hungry," added Gob Breenberger, editor of the Weekly World News. "Bat Boy eats twice his own body weight each day, which is why we don’t usually let him out unsupervised."  When asked why he was out unsupervised, Breenberger said, "I said usually, asshole."

On a related note, Batman denies fathering Bat Boy and was unavailable for comment.  However, the following entry appeared on Batman’s Facebook page yesterday, "If that psycho bitch goes for child support, I’ll introduce her to my Bat Bat."  Batman went on to complain about his continued efforts to find an appropriate name for his baseball bat.

Philadelphia, PA - Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

"The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin' me?" said Winslow. "We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you're good, maybe you'll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils."

"Yeah, cash, what's that?" stated Dave Atsals. "I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?"

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: "It’s for fame and glory purposes only."

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

"Then he typically loses the file," said Zano, "or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, 'What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels' and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking."

"It’s better than how the process used to work," added Atsals.

Here ye, here ye.  From this day forward, all acronym jokes are hereby stricken from this website.  I, Peirce Xavier Winslow, declare all acronym jokes unlawful.  Such feeble attempts at humor are henceforth banished to Bogeyland, sent to the Forbidden Zone, and otherwise text-communicated.   Do you really think people are still laughing at these?  It’s unacceptable to me, Zano!  He doesn’t even edit other people’s shit anymore, he just adds lousy acronym jokes (ALAJ).  See!  Now he’s got me doing it!  Well, no more.  The party is over.  In lieu of the holes that this decree is sure to create, I would like to add only search keywords to increase the website’s hits and page views.  So instead of seeing an article entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (RKIW), you will now see: Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels (political humor site).  Do you have any idea how hard it is to generate hits from articles entitled Return of the Klingon Ice Weasels?  God, my writers suck!  

When you, our faithful audience, become more accustomed to these necessary changes, you won’t even notice them.  These procedural additions will ensure a savvy marketing strategy that could funnel as many as ten more people toward our site (fake news sarcasm).  See?  I bet you didn’t even notice that one.  If you have any questions, please click the Contact Us link on our home page (funny news), and we will most likely ignore it outright (satire political spoof).

Enlarge...

Director James Cameron reported a violent personal attack on Friday. He identified his assailants as the Vegas showmen known as the Blue Man Group.

"They didn’t say a word," said Cameron, "But the assault was well choreographed." Cameron told police he had written the Blue Man Group a letter, in which he apologized about not casting them in his recent film Avatar. Unappeased, the performers accused Cameron of copyright infringement.  Their chief complaint involved the director’s choice to cast blue ‘imposters’ in the movie.

"They called me a racist and a Blue Meanie," said Cameron, "which I believe is a Beatles reference."

Things escalated for the director in early November after the grisly discovery of a severed Mountain Banshee head in his bed.  After last week’s assault, which witnesses describe as "entertaining, ambitious, and exhilarating," Cameron sustained injuries to his clothing and parts of his ego. 

"I didn’t know my planet, Pandora, could unleash so many ills on the world," said Cameron.  "I didn’t see that coming.  Well, I suppose it is better than what they did to the Smurfs."

Papa Smurf, or what’s left of him, was unavailable for comment.

After unsuccessfully suing the band Smashing Pumpkins for plagiarism, comedian Leo Gallagher has now set his sights on some much-needed book revenue.  Apparently in 1974, Gallagher tried to liven-up his act by hitting a member of his audience with a large sledge hammer.  This did not have the desired effect.  After his release from a West Hollywood jail, Gallagher felt more determined than ever to smash something with something else and earn his place in comedic history.  After his parole ended, Gallagher destroyed his apartment amidst a dark period known as his ‘pre-melonic phase’.  Inspired before a show in Anaheim, he decided to hit an uncooked turkey with a large medieval mace. Few people enjoyed the act, however, and one couple from Pasadena contracted salmonella.  Despite these setbacks, Gallagher knew he was onto something (besides antibiotics).

"Then one day it just hit me," said Gallagher, "…like a sledgehammer to a watermelon."  History was made that day and then splattered across a great many a venue.

Law enforcement officials have indefinitely suspended all of Gallagher’s book signings since last week’s ‘incident’ when an Oceanside man mistakenly dressed as a melon for the event. The fan died outside of a San Diego Barnes & Noble due to severe head trauma. 

Valley stream, NY–All went well at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart during Black Friday's early morning stampedes.

"We're proud of our crowd control efforts this year," said Wal-Mart store manager Patty Davy.  "Only a couple of people clawed and kicked for the last Zhu Zhu Hamsters and it certainly was all fun and games until someone lost an eye in aisle seven."

The store credits the smooth operation on changing the traditional uniforms to Clockwork Orange-style and management's decision to arm their staff with live cattle prods.

"It also helped that no one had any actual money to spend this year," said Davy.  "It took the edge off."

Not all opinions were positive, however.

"It's the busiest shopping day of the year," said Nancy Mullens of Valley Stream.  "You have to expect a few causalities of Wal (COWs)."

Another complaint came from Jon Heffron of Long Beach, "Look, this is as close to the Running of the Bulls as I'm going to get in this economy, and I wasn't even shoved once this morning."

Other shoppers shared this negative view.

"Black Friday should have an element of danger to it," said Frankie Devito of Elmont. "When a lifeguard yells 'shark', we're the kind of people who go into the water and drag the bitch onto land and beat it to death with our children.  I mean, not for nothun', this is Long Island.  Fuck'em if they can't take a tramplin'."

Manager Davy responded to the criticism, "It's true a lot of people wanted to kick it up a notch anyway this year but, out of respect for the dead, we decided to nix having our shoppers climb over mannequins dressed as Wal-Mart greeters.  But next year expect a move toward the stampedes of old, so pack your steal toed boots, bitches!"

Wal-Mart corporate headquarters hopes to ease back into the violent shopping sprees with a trial run in the spring called Tear Gas Tuesday and their Mauled at the Mall Barbie line is set for release in early Fall.   

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord would again like to apologize. This important e-zine has experienced some considerable growing pains in recent months. For one, we ran out of bandwidth during The Ghetto Shaman’s recent promotional: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. As a result our site crashed like a Value Jet in a microburst. There’s no excuse for that, especially seeing as how we only had four hits that day. Also, we now crank our marquee at the top of this site 24/7. Someone has to do that shit. It’s certainly not going to crank itself.

But the buck stops here! I, Pierce X. Winslow, take full responsibility for these recent errors and I am now immediately shifting all of that blame directly to Mick Zano, where it belongs.

In our recent article Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related" we thought the last Godzilla attack occurred in 2003 as depicted in Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. We completely forgot about Godzilla: Final Wars from 2004. Not to mention Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris from 2007. It took a reader to find this error and we have since fired those responsible.

For those following our marquee news, we already made this retraction: AS IT TURNS OUT IT WAS NOT BEYONCE AT THE WINSLOW TACO BELL LAST WEEK. In our defense, it really looked like her from the back, but we were intoxicated at the time. Still, it could have been her twin—her homeless, white, toothless twin.

Perhaps our biggest blunder of 2013 was our headline Louisiana Voodoo Shop Completely out of Curarine. Curarine is a skeletal muscle relaxant used during the creation of zombies. We apologize to all of those who were unable to raise the dead that week because, as it turned out, they still had more in the back.

As for the error in this article’s title, we don’t know a lot about Roman numerals, per say. Apparently we don’t know Latin either as I’m told it’s per se. Nevertheless, I vow The Daily Discord will be better in 2013. How could it be otherwise?

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord, in conjunction with Ronco Linguistics, has created a 24-CD set that will leave you King of the Starbuck’s line. Do you want to order an extra pump caramel macchiato frappe latte? If you took our course, you’d know just how stupid that makes you sound! But don’t take our word for it. No, really...you shouldn’t. Here are some real live testimonies we totally made up:

"Within the first week I knew that venti meant large, which is stupid, but it really helps when you’re ordering on a line that’s out the flippin’ door."

And, "Don’t you hate the way the baristas correct you? Well, never again! You know, when you try to order a ‘medium’ and they say, oh, you mean our...umm, sorry, what’s a medium called again? I forgot."

Not convinced? Well, here’s what happened to The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman after taking our course. "Ah, dude, we said you can’t come in here. My manager told me to call the cops if you don’t leave."

Still not convinced? How about meeting someone who passed our advanced course?

"I walked up and ordered a triple grande, three-pump peppermint, salted, caramel mocha"!# and the Discord editors had no f^*&ing idea how to even grammar check that shit! I think someone even had a breakdown. But my barista understood."

And, "For the first time in my life I knew the power of being a yuppie-wannabe. I could finally take control over my ten dollar per coffee purchases (PCP) and so can you."

Shame on the Starbucks line can be long-lasting. It can even lead to something called Post Traumatic Starbuck’s Disorder (PTSD), which leaves many afraid to even approach a Starbuck’s counter. Don’t be left out in the dark roast. Order your CD set today and we will double your offer! Yes, all...what’s 24 times two? CDs shipped directly to your house for the low low price of $1,456. For the price of only about a hundred coffees, you too can turn shame into a false self-righteous arrogance today.

Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived "flash mob" number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, "I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either."

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, "As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes."

Xiangyin, China--General Tso, a man famous for his oriental deep fried chicken, is being sought in the disappearance of several #17s from the menu at the Jade Fountain over on 4^th Str…umm, to be honest, Zano hasn’t submitted anything in awhile. He’s fallen off the radar again and, to complicate matters, so has the Ghetto Shaman. If I didn’t know any better, I would say it’s a Bruce Wayne/Batman kind of thing. But I‘ve seen both of these cats in the same place. The last time was at our company Christmas party back in 2010. I got them both very nice pen sets that turned out to be pencils. Besides, back to the Batman analogy, I’m afraid neither one of them can be described as mild-mannered. I think with Zano and the Shaman, it’s more like if Robin had a sidekick…and then Robin’s sidekick had a sidekick. That’s getting close to capturing the essence of these bananas, who, apparently split. See? These are the jokes I write when the main writers go MIA.

I really don’t know where this project is going anymore. I can’t control these people. Submission and deadlines are passé. Try envisioning the Marx Brothers on acid and you begin to understand the herding cats-type, Herculean task I deal with on a post-to-post basis. Really, it’s more like if the Marx Brothers hung around Cheech & Chong for a couple of "sessions" and then went to the Amazon together to gnaw on some hallucinogenic roots. Yeah, it’s something like that…only more out of control.

I am seriously considering going with my original idea—a psychiatric food blog. Stay with me here. So if you’re depressed, I’ll have a series of culinary recipes designed to offset some of those specific symptoms. Are you a little manic because of a bi-polar disorder? Try my Depakote Devil’s food cake. A little hyper? How about some Ritalinguini and clam sauce? Are you hearing the voices again? Try my famous chicken Thorazzini. I think it could taste great and really cut down on the mass shootings in this country. If my writers don’t resurface soon, get ready to order some of my FDA-approved psychotropic suppers!

Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a "romp of humiliation" or "entertainment for the asses," has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, "We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something."

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, "The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!" McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

"It’s called capitalism," said McGrath. "It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?"

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

Philadelphia, PA—Having just posted our latest round of retractions, it pains me to announce another grievous mistake so soon. Posting every day in this 24/7 news cycle world is often fraught with difficulties. Having said that, I, Pierce Xavier Winslow, take full responsibility for this error. Our readers have come to expect thorough and accurate reporting, especially since comedy sites like ours have become the last refuge of actual newsing these days. Newsing is a new, but legitimate, word—though it probably should not have debuted at this darkest of hours.

We now understand the following: in a bar on the planet Alderaan, Uma Thurman pummeled the crap out of Chewbacca—not, as we originally reported, the other way around. The rush of incoming AP wire reports were confused and at times even garbled, so we made an educated guess that Chewbacca would have mopped the floor with that scrawny bitch—however, it turned out that the wookie’s injuries actually landed him in Aldera County Hospital.

I had an itchy trigger finger, for sure. The only thing that kept running through my mind prior to posting was the scene when Han Solo said, "Let the wookie win." I really thought the wookie was going to win. The Discord news team received conflicting reports originally and we needed to get the post up as my beer was getting dangerously warm. My Photoshop team worked on pictures for either outcome: one with Chewbacca pumping his fists victoriously in the air and a second with Thurman doing likewise. I simply got it wrong.

Our news team also borrowed the image from gawker.com by turning the famous Dewey Defeats Truman! image into Obama holding the news in iPad form. We regularly steal stuff here at the Discord especially paperclips, but not others’ comedy! We keep our material original—and Zano cut this one too close! We took gawker’s original viral image, made it much funnier, and proceeded to get about six hits for our trouble...the usual.

Pierce Winslow, CEO

These retractions continue to wear on me emotionally. I care about what we do here at The Discord. It’s important work. It’s God’s work...well, certainly demi-God’s work, or Demi Moore’s work. It’s work, for sure. Sometimes I spend days trying to turn the Crank’s string of expletives into coherent thoughts. I deal with a constant barrage of receipts from Zano and Bone for bar tabs, brothels, and massage parlors all across the southwest. "But it’s a haunted brothel, Mr. Winslow, honest!" Fuckers.

Our headline Iraq Wins the Stanley Cup! was obviously a heinous mistake. Jerry Lewis’s ICU Telethon was not our finest hour. We would like to apologize to JE-RRREY! and his family for calling his hospital room every twenty minutes trying to pledge enough to get the tote bag. In retrospect, interfering with medical care is just not funny.

Everything pales in comparison to our three full days of Cokie McGrath’s coverage while she camped outside of the Great Pyramid of Giza waiting for the Egyptian Parliament to emerge. What? I have to pay for this shit! If she could even learn to use Wikipedia as a fact checking tool it would be a vast improvement. Google it Cokie, Google it...fine, I will send you to a seminar on Googling.

Santa Monica, CA—After being rushed to UCLA Hospital after slamming her sports car into an unmarked dump truck, actress and problem child, Lindsay Lohan, told reporters, "Dump trucks should be forced to wear lighter clothing or should be covered in more blinking lights so people don’t crash into them after drinking."

Lohan’s crusade against all things cloaked is not stopping there. The 26-year-old feels a similar initiative should apply "to all telephone poles, buildings, and pedestrians known to walk along roads."

Miss Lohan’s suggestions are not, as yet, gaining much momentum. Her initiative earlier in the year to "Make the Pacific Coastal Highway Less Windy" has also gained little support from California residents.

"Look," said Lohan, "I’m not saying it has to be straight as an arrow, but you try driving that bitch at over 100 mph with the spin monsters, bitches."

Tombstone, AZ—The Black Panthers recently put a bounty on the head of rock star and activist Ted Nugent for his recent incendiary remarks against President Barack Obama. The Panthers do not feel the Secret Service’s recent visit to The Motor City Madman will suffice.

Black Panther national spokesman, Chawn Kweli, told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, "In recent weeks, we put out a bounty on the heads of George Zimmerman, Harold Steinman and now Ted Nugent for crimes against humanity."

When McGrath asked about Steinman, Kweli replied, "That cock sucker cut me off at the mall and took the last parking spot. I ran his plates and that mother f-er is going down!"

Ted Nugent suggested the Black Panthers meet him at the historic OK Corral in Tombstone Arizona to settle their differences. On Saturday May 12^th, at high noon, Ted Nugent plans to square off with the three key members of The Black Panthers for what was once known as ‘the quick draw’. The Historical Society and City Council of Tombstone Arizona have approved the use of real bullets during this gunfight extravaganza, which locals think should "significantly boost tourism."

The Mayor of Tombstone, Kirby Jenkins, said, "We’re kind of hoping they just blow the shit out of each other. I know there’s some sympathy for Ted’s position around these parts, but at the end of the day the world will be a better place when Boot Hill has a few more permanent residents."

Gabby Johnson of nearby Rock Ridge added, "frRRrravish!"

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important "inhalant research." Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! ...albeit not by much.

Philadelphia, PA-These retractions are coming at a fevered pitch lately, as the recession has forced us to outsource our editing to Canada and fewer and fewer of our contributors can afford their medications. Our recent post Hundreds of Dead Opossums Inexplicably Wash-up onto Gulf Beaches: Most Not Faking was not corroborated by the evidence.  The one image that sparked the piece turned out to be PhotoShopped.  Er, actually it turned out to be PhotoShopped by one of our own staff. So we will take the high road in this matter and do what President Obama won’t. As CEO of the Daily Discord, I would like to formally apologize to BP and to their former CEO, Mr. Hayward, you opossum killing wankers (OKWs).

In retrospect, our article Acetaminophen Linked to Headache Relief in Hung-Over Student wasn’t really news worthy.  We have slow days too, and slow days are usually complicated here at the Discord by the higher blood alcohol content of our staffers.

Dalai Lama Leads Police on Three State Car Chase was simply sensationalism at its worst. I have personally dealt with the contributor who sent us this exaggerated piece of pseudo-journalistic nonsense. And, to set the record straight, it was only a two state car chase.  I take some responsibility for this debacle, as the states in question were Georgia, South Carolina, and New Mexico. I have moved Google Maps to my favorites, so nothing like this should ever happen again.

Mariana Trench—Film director and explorer, James Cameron, continued his hourly reporting from the deepest ocean depths ever reached until all contact was lost with his vessel, The Viagra Torpedo, yesterday morning.

At a depth of 15,000 feet Cameron discovered Newt Gingrich’s chances of winning the Republican nomination. At a depth nearing 20,000 feet, he managed to snap a couple of pictures of Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan. At 30,000 feet, he captured remnants of the U.S. Constitution, alongside select economic passages from Obama’s last State of the Union Address. And from the very sea floor, armed with only a robotic arm, Cameron managed to retrieve Dick Cheney’s moral compass This is where his descent turned south...well, south-er. Apparently, several glowing and undulating Abyss creatures "not at all pleased with how Cameron’s film depicted us!" surrounded his craft.

Then the research vessel topside asked, "Ground control to Director John, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong. Can you hear me Director John?"

Then he shouted, "Get away from her, you bitch! I’ll be back," and "Live Rose live!" which the director hoped people would find humorous yet poignant.

Wadyia—Bordering on the country of Freedonia, Wadiya sits at the heart of the tribal region of outer Fictitiousitan. In an unprecedented slap to American exceptionalism, Wadiya’s dictator, General Aladeen, attended the Oscars and made a mockery of a noble American tradition.

Aladeen, known to many as the Tyrant of the Vine Street Lounge, has a list of atrocities as long as the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. Why did the Obama Administration and the Academy appease this cruel and inhuman dictator? Despite his gross humanitarian violations, they awarded him, not one, but two tickets to the Oscars as well as a parking pass.

Here is what the dictator said on his website after the Academy caved to his demands: "Evil and all those who make Satan their protector have been driven into the Pacific Sea."

He later clarified at an after-hours party that he meant the Pacific briny deep. Aladeen lives in the middle of the desert and has banned all Zionist maps and the internet long ago.

Aladeen told the Discord today, "I do not want this Twitter or this Book of Faces to allow my enemies to chat, or Meetup, or organize these flash of mobs. Wadiyans are a proud peoples, but they are lousy dancers with next to no fashion sense."

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, is outraged. "The fact he waltzed into the Oscars and caused a scene bordering on assault is an affront to justice. He was initially banned for a reason. We should be stuffing sanctions so far up his Islamofascist ass he’s shitting Koran’s for a week."

Los Angeles, CA—Warner Music Group has announced its success in gaining the rights to Thomas Edison’s masterpieces and then digitally enhancing them for the world’s enjoyment. The CD two set, due to be released next month, is destined to be a collector’s item, for those who really, really like collecting things.

"We did something very special," said WMG spokesperson, Guy Wiley. "We wanted to capture all of Edison’s greatest hits without losing the historical significance of his work, and quickly, because I needed to let the dogs out by four."

The CDs contain Thomas Alva Edison’s monumental reciting of Mary Had a Little Lamb, in all its historic glory. The CDs also contain a remix, rap version of the same nursery rhyme, like you’ve never heard it before! And who could forget Edison’s version of Little Jack Horner? Besides us. We had to Google the shit. The second CD also has a rare, never released version of Edison’s Shock the Monkey. Who knew?

Warner Music Group boasts the music quality reaches "almost 8-track level," which Mr. Wiley claims is a marked improvement over Edison’s original tin foil-coated cylinder-format.

"Frankly, we blow the Ediphone away," said Wiley. "It’s exciting to be a part of this, or so I’m told to say."