Washington, DC—The committee of the Ms. Cretin USA pageant has announced three finalists for the coveted title of most obnoxious moron in America to…

Leviticus, TX - In an effort to deal with budget woes plaguing one of the nation’s largest public school systems, the Texas Board of Education has decided to combine the Department of History and the Department of Phonics to form the new Texas public schools’ Department of Histrionics. The decision will be formally announced during the board’s annual retreat (this year held at the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, NV) by Col. Barney Bob Crossburner, Chairman of the School Board.

Have you heard the Black Panther voter intimidation scandal yet?  The Justice Department’s actions are shocking!  It seems they are especially shocking for Republicans who helped dismantle the Justice Department, brick by brick, in the first place.  None of you were outraged to find Bush had replaced 150 positions in the government—including several  key jobs in the Justice Dept from some Pat Robertson 4^th tier regent college—but you’re mad about this shit?  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen the 700 Club?  I would bow to the zombie god of Karl Marx before I would ever watch an episode of that shit. 

I didn’t realize at first that I would be cooking for naked people. The job ad simply referred to an upscale resort in the desert west of Tucson without any specifics regarding the type of establishment. I emailed a response to the ad and received a call later that day from the resort’s manager. After thirty-minutes of telephone conversation, mostly about my vast skills, the manager asked if I would like to come in for an interview.

Hi, my name is Art and I'm a libertarian.

[Room responds "Hi Art"]

Today, I am celebrating 387 days sane and centrist!

[Applause]