Tag Archive for white house

Installation Of Third Floor Zipline Aims To Make Ending White House Career Easier, Funner

by Mick Zano • August 25, 2017

Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17^th Street.

by Mick Zano • January 19, 2017

Washington, DC—Upon vacating the premises at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20th, the Obamas will not receive the customary $1200 security deposit. The landlord of the White House, I guy named Mel, informed the press today, “The Obamas trashed the place. I haven’t seen anything like this since Nixon was just shitting everywhere on the way out.” Apparently the reasons for the additional clean up costs ranged from broken windows and bullet holes to intentional vandalism and graffiti. “Someone drew a moustache on a bust of Theodore Roosevelt,” explained Mel. “What’s infuriating is how he already had a moustache! I’m sure it was those two little hooligans. We call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.”