The American Southwest—President Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the president’s attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to “Chillax, folks! There’s a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you won’t even know we’re fracking the shit out of your aquifer. Think of it as a chance for the Native Americans to give a little back to Uncle Sam. They owe us. They do. Who got those spigots running during their Trail of Tears, right? We did. Ask not what your president’s personal finances can do for you, but ask what you can do for your president’s personal finances. Oh, and shhh. Let’s not tell, you know who. You know ….Voldemueller.”