Since my blogvesary only gets his information from Alex Jones’s more conservative uncle, his last article demands more details on the Russia probe. “Objective facts! And only objective facts!” will do, because, as a Benghazi survivor himself, he wants only the straight dope. My Discord diatribes are apparently becoming too opiniony for his keen scientific sensibilities. Fine, but first I have two questions for Mr. McDooris: 1. How do you jump over a gazillion Trump/Russia mistruths without straining anything? and, 2. Does this qualify you for the 2020 summer Olympics in Tokyo?
Philadelphia, PA–The Daily Discord has uncovered a diabolical plot to alter the Constitution. There is mounting evidence that suggests that Skynet has just sent a Terminator back in time to the Constitutional Convention of 1787 for the purpose of ending the Electoral College. Some politicians are welcoming the move. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said, “Whatever the Founding Father’s initial intensions were, in the 21st century the Electoral College has helped elect Dubya and The Donald. In my opinion this proves the provision is irreparably broken. Ending the Electoral College through any normal constitutional means seems next impossible in the current political climate, so I commend and support the quick thinking of Skynet and their evil cyborg affiliates in this matter.”
Greybull, WY—Actor and spokesperson Wilford Brimley reported that his mustache was taken from his home, and his face, on the morning of April 24th. Mr. Brimley informed Big Horn County Police that his mustache was last seen the evening of the 23rd, somewhere between his nose and his mouth. Brimley told reporters, “John Bolton’s mustache does look a lot like mine, even more so since yesterday. Now I’m not saying that that’s my mustache, but I’m not saying that that’s not my mustache.”
Towson, MD—Stanley Freed, founder of Occupy Starbucks, started his movement shortly after his wife kicked him out yesterday. This morning things quickly escalated when some pro-caffeine, counter protestors arrived from the Black Coffee Matters movement. The confrontation between Mr. Freed and the group of yuppie espressorados lasted for seven long minutes, while onlookers kept staring at their iPhones and laptops. Mr. Freed is white and the Starbuck’s manager is black—so, not liking the odds, the police were never called. The employees resolved instead to huddle in the backroom and snort Via packets until the standoff ended.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is hosting French President Emmanuel Macron for a state dinner next week. The visit is in honor a 250 year friendship between France and the United States. The White House planned to keep the dinner menu secret, but the event details have already been leaked to the press. The leaker claims, “The Trump Administration will be serving a seven course meal that includes everything with the name ‘French’ in it.”
Beverly Hills, CA — During his three week U.S. tour, Saudi Crown Royal Mohammed bin Weinstein, entered into an agreement with Cirque du Soleil. Saudi Arabia recently lifted its long standing ban on such entertainment and the Circus of the Sun agreed to a specially crafted performance to honor Saudi National Day. According to eyewitness accounts and emergency personnel, the debut performance “didn’t go so well.”
New York, NY—Ambassador Nikki Haley minced no words to the United Nation’s on Monday, as that’s her boss’s job. She did warn the 193-member General Assembly that the U.S. is prepared for a second wave of bombing raids on Syrian targets. She said, “To be clear, the United States is prepared to take unilateral action should the Coalition of the Vaguely Interested lose further interest. It wouldn’t really be unilateral, if you think about it, when all fifty states would be involved. And we will take these actions, immediately, if any more #MeToo shit comes within a mile of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”
My blogvesary recently asked me, why can’t we just discuss the issues? He then implied that I’m not really good at it. There’s a good reason we can’t just do that. In fact, I’ve been trying to convey what’s happening and why for a very long time. If we have one party severed from our key issues, or credible media sources, or competent journalists, or pertinent facts, why bother? One side is simply not up to the task. Never confuse the warrior class with the thinking class. Some California liberals may have a far left worldview, but at least they’re discussing issues relevant to this planet. The answers to all of our problems lie somewhere between our most conservative Democratic politicians to the wildest left-leaning hair on Bernie Sander’s head. You show me an idea right of Clair McCaskill (D-MO) and I will show you a delusion. Everything right of her is garbage, and you know what we do with garbage today, right? We dump it in the river behind the factory.
Rome, IT—Many are voicing their concern with the decision to “upgrade” Michelangelo’s work The Creation of Adam, which adorns the ceiling of Rome’s famous Sistine Chapel. The painting now depicts President Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in the role of God and Adam. These changes took place shortly after the announcement of Ryan’s pending retirement. Those in Italy who really strive for a balanced budget seem happy with the move, but others are claiming the priceless work has been irreparable defaced.
New York, NY—Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was spotted moments before a fire erupted on the 50th floor of the Trump Tower high-rise, killing one tenant and injuring five Russian spies. The NYC Fire Department said, “The fire was under control about 9:00 PM, which is more than I can say for our President, who spent the night tweeting through the hallways and insisting that no one turn on the building’s five sprinklers to avoid further water damage. The cause of the fire has been ruled ‘Benghazi-like’ and may have been caused by lasers mounted to the end of our former Secretary of State’s fingers.”