Palmyra, SY—The radical group calling itself the Islamic State, or ISIS, has laid siege and captured the ancient Syrian city of Palmyra. President Obama immediately enlisted the aid of a man known to many as the “Indiana Jones of lost archeology.” It is hoped Jones can save some of the oldest beers ever brewed.
Let’s hash out at least some of the existing myths permeating both sides of the political aisle. How did we get into such an politically polarized stupor? What was the beginning of the end? …uh, besides that 50s movie about radioactively-enlarged locusts. Both D and R have their own political origin myths and they both suck. I’ll spend more time reviewing republican mythology because the GOP needs an ideological tune-up worse than Christine and Killdozer combined.
Greetings! My name is Mark Zuckerberg, chairman and CEO of Facebook, Inc. You may have noticed that your account has been blocked and you cannot log in. Don’t panic! The solution is quite simple. Recently, we here at Facebook decided that all accounts need to bear the full legal name of the user, not a pseudonym or nickname. I’m sure at this point you’re probably thinking: What? I’ve been a loyal Facebook user for nearly a decade under the name all my friends know me by, why is this important now?
Los Angeles, CA—As the super drought looms, prospects for the 2nd largest state in America looks grim. With water waning and an overdue earthquake promising to slide parts of southern California into the ocean, Californians are acting on an instinctual impulse. They are doing what every civilization has done, just prior to its collapse, for tens of thousands of years. They’re starting to build pyramids.
Governor Jerry Brown is sympathetic to the cause, “We all know ancient aliens have put messages into our DNA and these messages are triggered during certain evolutionary stages. But, who knew, it also happens right before pending cataclysms. So we’re going to build some pyramids and then do what the Mayans did.”
Arlington, VA—President Obama created quite the shit-storm today after a speech that many are calling “really bad.” Obama never mentioned the military during his 34 minute speech, but he did mention himself 23 times and Obamacare 12 times. This omission of anything relevant to those lost in battle is being considered a snub by military personnel and their families.
Obama looked almost jovial as he said, “Let’s not forget those who made the ultimate sacrifice, their paychecks, so that I could personally—or at least indirectly through government programs—support them for their braveness throughout their lifespans.”