Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!
Secret Moon Base—The Evil Villain Injustice League, which also spells evil, has convened on Dr. Evil’s Secret Moon Base to discuss their growing disdain for one Donald Trump. The criminal masterminds in attendance believe Mr. Trump has alienated a group of his staunchest supporters. They are now challenging the Republican nominee to Grab This Pussy. Dr. Evil explains, “It occurred to me after I thought about that old commercial with Robert Conrad. The one where he has a battery on his shoulder and he dares the audience to knock it off. My idea is kind of like that, except with death rays. Trump had our support, but he has sharted all over the same people funding his presidential aspirations. You didn’t really think he funded his whole campaign, did you? He needs to start playing to his base …his evil moon base. He didn’t only look the gift horse in the mouth, he humped the frickin’ thing right in front of us. Like that chair at the debate. Was that chair cleaned or destroyed? The people have a right to know.”
Secret Moon Base—After much consideration, the notorious Dr. Evil is considering a run for the highest office in the land. He is mainly joining the race because he believes the current frontrunners are all “A-holes”. Price is apparently no object for the super villain as he told the press today he is prepared to spend “gazillions” of dollars on his presidential aspirations. Dr. Evil said, “I will fund my own campaign, because you don’t want to see an evil genius tied to a lobbyists. It’s not fricken’ pretty.” He then personally thanked the “little people” for passing Citizens United and added, “Who do I make the check out to?”