Tag Archive for comedy

I Know We Have Our Differences, Pokey, But Can’t We At Least Agree That I’m Always Right?

I commend the notions that most religions foster, such as moral restraint, humility, community cooperation and asceticism. These are good things, but your fundamentalist approach invariably strays faster than the Ghetto Shaman on a Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Pokey is no different. There’s something inherently wrong with organized religion. It’s kind of like watching Real Time on TiVo or farting during an NPR segment of Fresh Air.

Discord Deploys Yellow Submarines Against ISIS

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Flagstaff, AZ—A long time ago in central Pennsylvania I left a bar called Sal Assante’s to find the streets filled with brawling people. Not knowing what to do, I started instinctively singing The Beatle’s Yellow Submarine. This seemed to pause the violence as everyone kind of stopped punching each other to look at the crazy person. Yesterday, I employed this same tactic in the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona, and once again my singing somehow ended the violence. So what if we weaponized the Fab Four and deployed specific Beatles songs to combat ISIS?

Kansas Governor Denying Allegations He “Sucks”

BROWNBACK

Topeka, KS—Governor Sam Brownback is denying allegations that his state has done poorly under his leadership. Despite his state’s ongoing struggles, he refuses to take any responsibility for his economic record. “Responsibility is for the little people,” said Brownback, “who we here in Kansas refer to as Munchkins.”

To compensate for the many years of crushing austerity measures, Kansas celebrated today with the largest tax increase in the state’s history. Brownback is denying this is an actual tax, however, as he and his staff are referring to it as Freedom Funds, which will be used to “fight the ongoing War on Obamacare.”

Pope Loses His Shit While Waiting For Putin

 

ANSA824786_ArticoloMoscow, RU—After being late for their first meeting, Russian President Vladimir Putin asked the Pope to be his guest at the Kremlin. The Pope agreed but unfortunately Putin arrived even later to greet His Holiness for this second meeting. Bored and frustrated, the Pope allegedly tore down a tapestry of Putin, broke an ornate clock in Putin’s likeness, and then threw a bust of Putin out of a second story Kremlin window. Russian officials have confirmed the plunging bust did, in fact, damage the nose of a statue of Putin in the square below.

Putin’s tardiness is legendary as he was 14 minutes late to greet the Queen of England, three hours late to greet Secretary of State John Kerry, and a whopping five weeks late to greet a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses, who incidentally were never seen again. Some believe the Dalai Lama is still waiting in a little café just off of Red Square, as Putin allegedly “promised to pick up the tab.”

Indiana Jones Dispatched to Palmyra to Save Oldest Brewery

images3VF03CB0Palmyra, SY—The radical group calling itself the Islamic State, or ISIS, has laid siege and captured the ancient Syrian city of Palmyra. President Obama immediately enlisted the aid of a man known to many as the “Indiana Jones of lost archeology.” It is hoped Jones can save some of the oldest beers ever brewed.