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What Keeps Me up at Night, Besides Jolt Cola

Mick Zano

We are all living in the same country, during the same period in history, and yet during the Age of Information we remain completely unable to agree on even the most basic issues of our time. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Meanwhile, a republican’s arsenal consists of either breaking shit or graciously offering common sense solutions…involving unicorns.

“Should we go with magical thinking today or outright sabotage in the name of democracy?”

—John Q. Republican

During this crucial period in history—at least in the realm of foreign policy—Obama rates nothing short of a 17th level wizard. Dumbledem? Gandalf the Blue? No? I’ll work on that one, but someday soon our 44th President will be recognized for his foreign policy prowess (FPP). Okay, how about today? Apparently a viable first step has just been struck in Iran! I will refrain from another told-you-so moment—like hell I will, here. I realize many republicans will attack any diplomatic approach, to which I say, amen.

Republicans understand foreign policy in these simple steps:

  1. Bomb
  2. Occupy
  3. Fuck up said occupation
  4. Wait until a competent Dem shows up on cleanup
  5. Repeat

Cruz/Sheen 2016: Hump the Establishment!
Cruz/Sheen 2016: Hump the Establishment!

The GOP has sailed quietly between our worst president in history to our worst Speaker of the House in history. And by quietly I mean Olyphant in a Faberge’ egg factory in certain Latvian mall approaching the speed of sound…kind of quietly. In their world this is called Winning!

I don’t think we need your opinion on foreign policy. Oh, who am I kidding? We do, so we can always remember to do the opposite. For the majority of the Bush years The GOP failed to recognize the gross incompetence of that administration and now, always consistent, they can’t identify an administration with a more sensible and effective approach. Have I mentioned Obama has accomplished 10x as much with 10x as little money?

We really do live on two different planets. If men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, liberals are from Earth and republicans are from Pluto (which, incidentally, has been downgraded recently. Coincidence?).

Here is a list of what The GOP considers some of the leading issues of our time:

1. Obamacare (an attempt to regulate real America through death panels)

2. Our failure to defend Benghazi (aka the real 9/11. So let me be the first to say, Benghazi was an inside job!)

3. The move to a European-style socialism (for some examples Google: happiest countries on planet), scary stuff

4. High unemployment (hey, I tried to open all those hemp stands)

5. Our growing deficits and the endless imaginary money being pumped into the economy

6. Our endangered 2nd Amendment (said the criminally insane person legally wielding the Uzi in the bar)

7. Immigrants forever changing real America (one lawn at a time)

8. Securing our borders (solved in two parts: 1. By building the Great Wall of Stupid and then 2. By creating the pathway back to Mexico)

9. A variety of Christian tainted social issues (CTSI) and, of course, abortion rights.

Did any of you throw up in your mouth a little?

Here are my concerns, in no particular order:

1. The Patriot Act (which led to unregulated drone strikes, The NSA, The Associated Press scandals)

2. Our ever growing deficit and the endless imaginary money being pumped into the economy

3. Our inability/incompetence to move to greener energies [Kermit joke omitted by the editor]

4. The War in Iraq (more importantly all future chicken hawk/neo-conic ventures. Can you say WWIII?)

5. The impact of Global Warming, mass extinctions, and our dying oceans

6. Out of control healthcare and college tuition costs (finally one is being glitchily addressed)

7. The disparity of wealth (all wealth shifting to about six people)

8. Population growth and the genetically modified moguls who will feed us (all hail, Monsanto!)

These are all major problems that are occurring, right now. Each of them have huge implications for our personal freedoms as well as our collective future, aka, almost none are covered on Fox. This list should be our focus, but instead we’re glued to stories of selective outrage and bullshit.

You could also add the money we’re wasting on the War on Drugs to my list. My related post here. Or, our decision to torture prisoners and the terrible impact it has had on our international affairs and our credibility. In my personal life I relegate torture to the third date or beyond, provided we’ve established an agreed upon ‘safe’ word.

As for the republican’s list, no one is going to be talking about Obamacare a year from now…oh, who am I kidding? It will likely be covered for two years, assuming it has twice the longevity of a bullshit scandal (see: IRS or Benghazi).

My shit will become increasingly pressing and their shit, not so much. Granted, republicans have identified our long term deficits as a problem, but their solution is to have a depression (see: The Ryan Plan). Besides, deficits will stop being covered under the Christie Administration—so we can resume Operation Ignore Debt (OID) like magic. David Coppafeel? Fox rarely mentioned Bush’s or Reagan’s out-of-control spending, because back then it was simply the sweet cost of freedom.

You see, in the republican realms of all-or-none thinking our deficits are 100% attributed to Fannie Freddie, which is 100% a Dem created problem, and we can only reduce our deficits through 100% austerity and tax cut measures through a 100% nullification of all things Obama.

This isn’t 100% wrong, but as usual it’s pretty damn close.

In order to stave off a double dip recession we need a balanced approach of tax cuts and revenues, thus my advocacy for Simpson-Bowls. A very fair 10 (cuts) to 1 (taxes) deal was blocked by the Winning brigade last July. Motley Screw?

Cutting carbon emissions and shifting to green energies is another ratio that we must address. We could start by ending the use of coal within ten years. If you are currently employed by the coal industry, please update your resumes. Hint: solar is the future (see: Germany, or better yet my post). Does that mean oil ends tomorrow? In their world, yes, because it’s always either or. You’re either with us or against us, taxes or cuts, bombing or not bombing, socialism or capitalism.

And, of course, climate change or climate stability. It’s not slightly happening or maybe happening on Tuesdays only (which is my theory). Not happening is an interesting choice when one considers the severity of the consequences of getting this one wrong and something I like to call “data.”

Foxeteers will invariably support oil, nuclear, and coal “just for the meantime.” There’s still a few species left on the planet, so just for the meantime. Then they systematically thwart or mock any attempts at moving greenward. For them pollution and global warming are liberal talking points. Yeah, well tell that to Al Gore, who…uh…gets polluted every night and talks about global warming.

Since most of our biggest problems don’t even exist to republicans, we can’t move toward the solution phase of anything! Reality involves ratios and percentages, but reality has become the enemy of the right. We need to start discussing these and we need to do everything in our power to marginalize and ignore our reality-devoid republican friends. Regardless of the problem, they are simply not part of the solution. It’s going to make things harder, of course, but we must increase political sanctions until the GOP tears down all of their fake scandal factories…oh, sorry.

Anyway, I say we get back to using ratios, percentages, and realistic strategies to address the problems our nation is facing. And let’s leave the GOP home with a nice ball and some glitter—supervised, of course.

Why All The Reviews Get Netflix’s Midnight Mass So Bloody Wrong

Netflix’s Midnight Mass is a fascinating miniseries, but not for the reasons you might think. The tale perfectly captures what I call the scheissgeist of our time. The story is set on Crockett Island, a fictional town resting off the coast of the Pacific Northwest—a place that, despite its location, somehow managed to miss the whole craft beer movement thing. Poignant. Otherwise, this island-nation becomes the perfect metaphor for the States. It’s even nicknamed ‘the crockpot’ for its melting-pot levels of diversity. You can take it, try to leave it, or burn it to the ground, aka the same problem we all face today. The acting and the special effects are a strength, and I particularly appreciated the attention to atmospheric detail. The series is steeped in Christian symbolism and Mary Magdalen makes an appearance as well, but never mind all that, let’s get Pruitt! Our story starts with the return of not one, but two prodigal sons, who represent not one but two separate levels of consciousness. The island is ‘graced’ with the return of their old priest, Father Pruitt, played by Hamish Linklater, who the congregation believes is a temp sent by the diocese, yet in reality (spoiler alert) he’s a younger vampiric version of himself. Pruitt, now traveling under the name Paul Hill, was restored during his own spiritual journey through the holy land by a more ancient evil. The priest represents the mythic-fundamentalist mindset, and he is content to propagate his new species, thus interpreting the eternal aspect of the undead dealio as a gift from God. In this way Christianity itself becomes the contagion, a new twist on the MAGA-variant joke. He’s trying to make lemonade out of the lemons that the dark angel gave him, or, in this case, bloody marys. The second prodigal son, equally damaged, is Riley Flynn played by Zach Gilford. After a felony DUI that resulted in the death of a young woman, Riley returns home after his jail stint, still haunted by the ordeal. He represents the rational-modern level of consciousness, struggling for meaning and purpose. His girlfriend, Erin Greene played by Kate Siegel, represents the liberal level of consciousness (Green level, or, in this case, Greene). See how this works? In the end, she does grasp the perennial philosophy as she lies bleeding out in the final sequence amidst a pantheistic soliloquy reminiscent of Sagan and Dawkins jerking off to Spinoza. Oh, sorry, that’s the other spoiler alert. Spinoza was a pantheist.

The Rise Of The Leftwaffe And Why Comedian John Cleese Is Right: There’s No Hope

A lot of folks are asking me why I keep harping on liberal authoritarianism. Kidding, one of you is. Look, we know what the rightwing is and stands for, so there’s zero mystery there. They are irredeemables. And, yes, the only group who hasn’t figured this out yet—on the entire planet—is our republican friends themselves. Further proof comes from comedian John Cleese’s recent diatribe, citing the Dunning-Kruger effect as the main culprit (or see my related coverage from the early Pleistocene, here). Cleese said, “If you’re stupid, how could you possibly know how stupid you are? …this explains, not only Hollywood but almost the entirety of Fox News.” Rightwingers, nixed the Fox News part and repackaged the Cleese quote to make it look as if he was solely directing scorn at liberals. Laughably, this reworked meme rifled across rightwing social media, eventually arriving in my box as well. This only proves Cleese’s point, in a rather spectacular fashion. So I understand why liberals are so angry. In 2021, republicans have a lot to atone for and yet seem to be the only ones wholly oblivious to this fact, but that doesn’t mean we can lose sight of the Constitution. The Atlantic is finally covering this rising leftist version of fascism, which means, yeah, it’s happening.

The Mercenary, Formally Known As Prince, Has An Intel Group Startup That’s Part McCarthy And Part Himmler

Have you heard of Project Veritas? You will. It may soon become more lethal than any pandemic. Under a Zano Administration, this group would be investigated, fined, jailed, and deported—preferably all at once while being waterboarded—but if El Presidente holds power, liberals everywhere will be systematically hunted and prosecuted for the equivalent of political jaywalking. Such partisan targeting is not new, but there’s a bigly difference for this round. Project Veritas is hedging its bets on the reelection of a despot by aspiring to become a new and highly politicized wing of the intelligence community. Let’s call them the Gestapo-lite of our budding new autocracy or the house that William Barr built. This important project is currently headed by Erik Prince, remember him? He started his career as a mercenary for Dick ‘Dick’ Cheney over in Iraq through training groups of so-called ‘peacekeepers’ who specialized in dirty money and war crimes. Prince, like everyone else in Trump’s inner circle, has dubious ties to Moscow, which admittedly is not as bad as having ties to Dick Cheney. Someday soon investigations into suspected treason will become, in and of themselves, treasonous. We are on this very threshold with the pending confirmation of John “MAGA” Ratcliffe to head the Office Director of National Intelligence (ODNI). If you recall—in a way Erik Prince apparently couldn’t during a recent congressional hearing—he lied about his meetings with Russian operatives and likely covered for the president during the Russia Probe. For this loyalty, he was duly rewarded by having all charges dropped by the president’s aforementioned new Roy Cohn. Prince is essentially a hired spook-wannabe for the, uh …let’s dub them The Shallow State. Think of Prince as the right’s Christopher Steele. Check out the Veritas Project website and you too can expose your socialist neighbors to The Shallow State! Seriously, they’re looking for the good kind of whistleblowers out there, you know, the ones who only whistle out of the right side of their cheek. For those still confused, the Blackwater guy, who was named a possible Trumpian co-conspirator by Mueller, got off scot-free so he could start selling Russia was a Nothing Burger merch over at his virtual store. And, if all goes according to plan, he then becomes the next J. Edgar Asshole. Make America Gestapo Again? I really want to email VP with false leads like: Hey, I got pictures of AG Barr humping a beanbag chair. Dude, get back to me on this one. I have my Photoshop team standing by.

Rise Of The Integral Superlib? Disparate Times Call For Despot Measures

Zano Nation, activate, form of authoritarian savior! Despite my last post, I do consider myself a patriot, except during three of the last six Superbowls. At the very least I love this planet, the one on which my country happens to reside. Did I not root for Earth in the movie Independence Day, Earth vs the Flying Saucers, Battlefield Earth, Earth vs The Spider (the original and the MST version), not to mention every War of Worlds movie ever made, even the one with Tom Cruise? Let that sink in for a minute …even the one with Tom Cruise. But today insight itself is shunned, which is just what the giant spider wants! My blogging started as a condemnation of republican thought since as far back as the premiere of American Idol. I still believe, Sanjaya! But, if our democracy is determined to shift toward a more imperial presidency, why not prop up a progressive Ubermensch over a deplorable one? Let’s imagine a world run by a more spiritually-centered, liberal fascist …you know, a better despot, a leader who both lifts and separates …wait, or is that from those Cross Your Heart Bra commercials? If we’re deadset on despotism, let’s upgrade MAGA to Make Autocracies Great Again. Why have an Ass-clown Hitler when we could install a Dalai Stalin, or a Gengis Gandhi, or even a Lenin Lennon?

[I’m being told to stop. I’m being Yoko Amin’d.]

Corona Virus Now Being Treated With Lyme Disease

Punta Cana, DR—One infectious disease expert and asymptomatic pubcarrier believes he has created a vaccine for the Corona virus, a virus that recently escaped from a lab in Wuhan China after a night watchmen allegedly fell asleep on the job. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Liquor will be selling the vaccine for 5 dollars a pint, and a dollar off during happy hour. When asked about the inspiration behind the important discovery, Hogbein said, “I was sitting on a beach, sipping a beer, and the answer just came to me out of nowhere… or maybe from out of the cooler. It wasn’t really an a-ha moment so much as a ha-ha moment, because damn that shit’s funny!

Twas The Night Before Impeachment…

Twas The Night Before Impeachment, and all through the House,

Not another witness was subpoenaed to bring down this louse.

The evidence was presented by the judiciary chair,

In the hopes a conservative senator would bother to care,

Amercia: The Not-So-Great Satan

Earlier today the Navy Secretary resigned over what is being called a ‘Trumpian pardon my overreach’ scandal. Hey, someone should pose next to Giuliani …you know, after they get to him. Yesterday, China called the US the biggest source of instability in the world, which is another good reason to dump the almighty Donald. Meanwhile, the once unthinkable notion of ditching the dollar is now likely resonating with even the Merkels of the world. Two days ago we find a top Commander warning of the next Iran attack. Yeah, I don’t mind another avoidable war, but who to root for? Kidding, but how does the US manage to cede the moral high ground to even the Ayatollahs? What do you do for your next trick, republicans? Never mind. The last time I posed that question the economy Dubya’d. And, if you dare to jump into the Wayback Machine all the way back to two weeks ago, Tehran was unveiling some anti-American murals to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the hostage crisis. Oh, and they’ve managed to resume their uranium enrichment, in their spare time. Centrifuge sold separately. And the day before that, North Korea fired another long range missile as their Supreme Leader was seen riding a unicorn with a rainbow shooting out of its …wait, I’m being told that was our Photoshop team’s rendition. Keep me in the loop, fellas! I guess it’s time for us to arm all sides in this Middle East crisis, not for peace, but for some more lucrative weapons contracts.  Who knew hiring an ass-clown would bring about such a circus 🤡 😲?

[Boeing, Boeing, Gone? and Halliburton & Ernie joke awarded a new lucrative contracts.]

Let’s Work Diligently To Keep Republicanism Safe, Legal, and Rare

Maybe this wasn’t the best tagline to support someone’s right to choose, but it’s certainly fits the bill for today’s GOP, doesn’t it? No, this is not an article about abortion rights. Today I’m contemplating the disturbing rise of populism and if there’s still time to do anything about it. My blogvesary has been goading me into an abortion debate for a long time to which I will only say this: the mother should have the right to an abortion in cases when a child is at clear risk of becoming a registered Republican. Sorry, I don’t think men get to have this debate. We don’t have the equipment and we tend to be jerks (or 0 for 2 …you know, like your last two presidents). Facing overpopulation and potential extinction maybe our steadily decreasing abortion rates shouldn’t be our biggest concern in 2020. What concerns me is the uncanny ability of our conservative friends to weaponize such religiously-charged issues to bolster their ongoing/confounding relevance and electoral successes—successes that, not only fly in the face of logic, but cause other unseemly things to happen to said logical face.

[Erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something About Mary, erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something about Mary. Take shower.]

Should The U.S. Adopt A Parliamentary Style Of Government?

If America was ever contemplating a major overhaul to its system of government, now would be that time. Think about it, the Brits have the likes of Nigel Farage. I just like saying Nigel Farage. How are we supposed to compete with a system of government that comes complete with names like that? We.Can’t. Our founding fathers couldn’t have possibly seen this coming, but here we are Nigel Farageless and contemplating adopting a new system of government. In fact, I am suggesting we adopt the identical system of government to the one we abandoned over two centuries ago to start our own fledgling experiment in democracy. Overall our government has functioned reasonably well over that time, but today our system has been hijacked—more specifically, it has been hijacked by stupid people. My assessment of our democracy? We need something decidedly more stupid-people-proof, and we need the likes of Nigel Farage, or at least a system of government capable of producing people with names equally as fabulous.