7 search results for "stone henge"

Scholar Claims Stonehenge Created by Natural Forces

by Mick Zano • August 11, 2012

Brugge, BE—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, stunned the archeological community today by speaking at an important conference in Brugge, when he was not invited to do so. For his antics, the Police Fédérale in Belgium have detained the good doctor and are planning to deport him to either Syria or to a pirate ship off the cost of Somalia.

Before security could intervene, Dr. Hogbein addressed the scholarly audience. He said, “I have proof Stonehenge was formed by rain, wind, and fire. The site is a geological anomaly created over the last 17-million years by volcanism and other natural forces. And I have 100% proof to back my claims!” He then chugged the remainder of his bottle of Evan Williams Kentucky Whiskey, hurled the empty bottle at the nearest security personnel and was finally dragged off stage.

One archeologist who witnessed the spectacle said, “When he was being escorted out, he shouted something about buggering the Loch Ness druids. I would have liked to have heard more about that, but Rain, Wind, and Fire? Weren’t they just that funky American band from the seventies? How could they have created Stonehenge? Preposterous. We’re pretty sure the site is older than that.”

by Nancy Mickwick • December 9, 2008

Buried deep in the heart of New England is an American treasure frequently, and tragically, overlooked. Indeed, while the average American is convinced that only one Stonehenge exists—somewhere in England—buried in the foliage-filled woods of Salem (NH, that is) lies a magical place known as America’s Stonehenge. Indeed, England’s Stonehenge is but a sad circle of stones in comparison.

When visiting this wonderland of mystical history, one is welcomed by the friendly faces of Eddie, Trooper, and Kordell—AKA "the alpacas of America’s Stonehenge." Yes, these great llama-like creatures, possibly from Alpacastahn, are a source of wool *and* greetings (watch out senior citizens manning the doors at Walmarts across America!).

If the sites at America’s Stonehenge ended with alpaca, it would clearly be enough to put this spot in a prominent place in any road tripper’s arsenal. But America’s Stonehenge is so much more than just alpaca. There’s intrigue! There’s mystery! There are changes in the earth’s movement (literally)! There’s human sacrifice (perhaps)! There’s closet space! There are gardening tips! There are, quite possibly, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria!

Intrigue
First, the intrigue the complex of America’s Stonehenge comes complete with a sacrificial table, a sundeck chamber, and a secret bed. Yes, you read that right — there’s a sacrificial table, and not in the sense of a table that can be sacrificed to the near-certain collapse that is likely if it is subject to the weight of a moose. Instead, this is a sacrificial table in the more traditional sense—complete with grooves to help drain the blood, and a speaking tube underneath, to freak out the sacrificial victim before his or her heart is yanked out, or hair is pulled, or toes are cracked, or the ‘Cheney Special’ as they call it around the Potomac. The sundeck chamber is also intriguing… if the goal is to get a suntan, why lie down in a chamber that would shade you from the sun? Perhaps the ancient people who built the structure weren’t quite as brainy as the falling rocks might suggest. Finally, the secret bed of intrigue…it’s a secret bed—no explanation of intrigue needed, really.

Mystery
Next, the mystery… again, who were the people who valued blood, tanning, and sleeping privacy and who put painstaking care into building this well-crafted structure? Were they Irish Culdee Monks, as some guy named Goodwin (according to a trusty pamphlet—a fact-filled account containing truth (FACT) provided by the visitor’s center) believed? And, if so, what exactly are Culdee Monks, and how did they end up in New Hampshire? Were they kicked out of Boston? Did they brew yummy beer? And, why did some guy named Pattee, who keeps getting mentioned in aforesaid pamphlet, decide to move to America’s Stonehenge with his wife? Was it the secret bed, or was it rent controlled? And, did Mrs. Pattee, again as the pamphlet suggests, really plant lilacs on a roof of part of the structure in the 1800’s? Why lilacs? And what color were they, assuming lilacs indeed come in different colors? And, perhaps most importantly, the FACT notes that "crystals were worshiped or used for tools by ancient cultures." Does the FACT refer to the ancient cultures who once stood on the hallowed grounds of America’s Stonehenge? And why did they have to either worship them or use them for tools? Why not both, or some type of alternating worship itinerary (AWI)?

Changes in the Earth’s Movement
OK, before we get to the earth moving, you first have to keep in mind that America’s Stonehenge is old, really old—well, at least the planet underneath it is old. In fact, the FACT confidently says that carbon dating suggests that tree roots and charcoal existed at this place as far back as 1400 BC… or maybe even 2000 BC. In fact, the whole America’s Stonehenge area comes complete (as any good archaeological site worth whatever salt is buried there should) with an astrological tour. That’s right—there are stones that line up with stuff in the sky (sort of) scattered around the grounds. The problem is, apparently the earth has obligity (though we think this is not a word) that keeps changing. (Although perhaps this change only happens in the area of America’s Stonehenge, because other very very old sites—like Newgrange in Ireland—still seem to have the sun showing in the same spot at the same time that it’s supposed to). Because of the special obligity instability in the America’s Stonehenge area, alack, the Winter Solstice Sunset Monolith no longer quite lines up with the Winter Solstice Sunset, and the Summer Solstice Sunrise Stone is also off just a bit… But, happily, the November 1st Stone seems to still line up with November 1st, which, as the FACT says is "a date very important in many ancient calendars."

Feeling a little guilty for brazenly ignoring November 1st? I typically celebrate November first hung over and still dressed like Catwoman (or at least this year).

Closet Space
Whoever the crazy architects of this site, who completely forgot about the changes that the earth’s obligity was likely to undergo, were, we know that they really, really valued closet space. In fact, no less than five of the descriptions of structures in the FACT mention either closets or storage space. Perhaps a sort of Stacking of the Sacrificial Skulls ceremony of the tortured? Or, perhaps many of the Monks/Pattees were gay and not quite out and proud?

Gardening Tips
OK, I kinda lied about this one—the only gardening thing I really learned was that lilacs were planted at some point in time, and maybe by Mrs. Pattee (or maybe to brighten up the human sacrifice area? An offering of decorative lilac-covered throw pillows is always appreciated).

Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria!
OK, this is just an obscure Ghostbuster’s reference. No link between America’s Stonehenge and Bill Murray has been found, but the truth is out there.

As you can tell, America’s Stonehenge is worth braving a state filled with people willing to die if they can’t live free. As the FACT so succinctly puts it: "A massive amount of labor was involved here, no matter what the purpose."

by Mick Zano • April 5, 2017

Dinglebury, ENG—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and gift shop, is back in the news again today and pushing another controversial theory. In 2012 he proposed an alternative theory to explain the many megalithic structures dotting the English landscape. This important archeofictionologist now believes he has irrefutable evidence to support his earlier claim that they were, indeed, formed by erosion. Dr. Hogbein told the Discord today, “The mystery of Stonehenge is solved! And, sadly, it has nothing to do with the Loch Ness monster. All those years wasted. However, most of these ancient so-called ‘structures’ were actually formed through natural erosionary processes, such as wind and water. This makes particular sense after a few pints.”

by Mick Zano • June 25, 2016

Buckingham Palace—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is “as surprised as anyone” after learning he was able to purchase jolly old England for just under the estimated worth of the Daily Discord.com. Winslow told reporters today, “I actually took a page from Zano, I know, weird. We need to know the conservative position on everything so we can adopt the exact opposite strategy. With crisis comes opportunity, or in this case a once sovereign nation.” Winslow then went on to say, “The sun never sets on The Discord empire!” and then recited a highly inappropriate version of Churchill’s speech, before being dragged away by the authorities.

England’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, called to congratulate The Daily Discord today on their recent purchase. He declined, however, an invitation to join The Discord’s Naked Newcastle Naughty-Bits barcrawl. “I think I will leave that dubious honor to my replacement. In fact, I was actually planning to stick around until October, but now I’m planning my own rather hastened retreat. I’m calling it Optimus Primexit. Get it? Hah!”

by Mick Zano • January 5, 2016

Washington—President Obama announced today he is not going to have a typical lame duck last term. For his final year in office, the President plans to acquire as many guns and Holy Bibles for his “personal collection” as possible. Obama told reporters, “I want to do something good while I’m still in office because, let’s face it, nothing good has happened so far. Heh, heh. I’m calling it: Operation 2nd Testament.”

Senator John Q. Republican was quick to condemn the move. “This is a clear attack on religion as well as our 2^nd Amendment rights. If that Muslim son-of-a-burka comes anywhere near my gun or my Bible, I am going all Old Testament on his black ass. ”

by Mick Zano • July 31, 2014

Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

For the third and final question the man recounted a tail seldom heard among cryptozoological circles. After being abducted by alien Bigfoots at Stonehenge, he was taken aboard the Loch Ness monster, which he described as a black and white metallic vehicle with red and blue swirling lights on top.

He claims to have spent the next night shaking and sweating uncontrollably aboard a spaceship in a small stark, cell-like structure. There, he could hear the alien Bigfoots whispering things about college football and “that fucking Obama.”

Obviously, our president is doing an excellent job thwarting the alien agenda, which, according to Jesus, “Involves something really cool, uh, if I could just bum a smoke.”

At one point during his ordeal, while still aboard this craft, the man detected a noticeable presence in the room. One of the creatures then asked him for his belt and shoes, which might indicate the aliens’ interest in accessorizing. He then talked about being returned to Earth but losing a large block of time—a common phenomenon in UFO abduction scenarios. The man’s fantastic tale ended as abruptly as it began, however, as…er, Cokie really doesn’t have much of a tolerance for malt liquor products.

by Mick Zano • May 25, 2014

Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?

Alliance, NE—An unprecedented and quite artistic wave of fecal designs are now dotting the midwestern landscape. These titanic turds are part of an unexplained phenomenon known as ‘crap circles.’ Unsure of the precise cause, scientists have not ruled out extra terrestrial fecal matter (ETFM). Local art communities describe the sacred mounds as Fart-Deco. Could these be the same shitting stars locals are now spotting across the night sky with increasing irregularity? A total of seventeen such post-intestinistic displays have thus far been discovered. Most of these circular poo piles (CPPs) are located in the corn fields surrounding Alliance, NE.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Lube, is calling these events Close Encounters of the Number 2 kind. The aged archeologist believes the site’s proximity to Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica created from old cars, is no coincidence.

“Carhenge is an ancient structure that holds unknown energies,” said Hogbein of the 1987 constructed sculpture. “It’s also one of the few Midwestern tourist oddities that can be seen from space—er, well, very low space,” corrected Hogbein. “This makes it a great intergalactic restroom of sorts.”

Hogbein posits that the deposits originate beyond our solar septic system and, perhaps, some alien race is aiming for Carhenge like a cosmic bull’s-eye.

“Regardless, it lends credence to Hawkins recent statements about avoiding contact with aliens,” said Hogbein. “He, in particular, would have a hard time getting out of the way of one of these plummeting brown beauties.”