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Interview With the Zanblogger

Cokie McGrath

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow asked me to hunt down Mick Zano to conduct an important interview. The boss-man is based out of Philly and he wants to get to the bottom of some recent disturbing trends occurring here in the southwest. He’s worried about some of Zano’s cryptic emails, his strange business receipts, the lack of viable material and his increased bail requests. It begs the question, has Zano completely lost his mind after the midterms? So I agreed to track him down and get some answers, for a small fee.

CM: Thanks for meeting with me today, Mr. Zano.

MZ: We’re usually here on Tues—

CM: (Ahem…) Let’s start with current events. They’re saying Obama’s executive order on immigration is the biggest power grab ever.

MZ: It was a bold move but Bush and Reagan did similar solo immigration things. Socialists! Jonathon Chait summarizes things wonderfully, here.  lf you recall, these other changes occured minus the whole End of Freedom rhetoric. I didn’t support Obama’s decision to act alone, precisely because of the focus on executive orders, the Constitution, and all this imperial presidency stuff. Post Bush the president did gain some clear leeway to act unilaterally, on anything, but this needs to be reined in.

CM: So you’re a Tea Partier now?

MZ: Hardly. In fact, if more people like them try to defend the Constitution we might as well burn that shit right now. Although, I must admit to being conflicted. Lately I’m all too willing to support any move on Obama’s part that further weakens Republicans. They remain our biggest challenge.

CM: Even if it means violating the Constitution?

MZ: No, but I do get Marshall Law flashbacks. We do forgo some rights during times of great crisis and an argument can be made that the Republican Party’s current Scheissgeist constitutes such a crisis. Their unwillingness to do anything except bring down our president is disturbing. But I’m still going to resist any moves that further expand executive power. I fear if a Republican becomes president in the near future, whatever the hell we quilled on parchment back in the day will be moot. That’s my declaration of an independent.

CM: The border situation is a humanitarian crisis. Doesn’t that matter?

MZ: I am pro-immigration reform, but we just got our asses handed to us in the midterms. Hey, I have an idea, maybe more than four Hispanics should have voted last week. Besides this is a Band-Aid. We need real reform. I’m not happy about the prospect of ignoring this crisis either, but we need to win elections.

CM: So why didn’t Congress act on immigration?

MZ: That’s like saying, why didn’t they let the Discord-gang stay longer on trivia night.

CM: Trivia night didn’t end well.

MZ: Yeah, and they asked us to stay.

CM: They won’t do that again, but back to the lack of action in Congress.

MZ: I guess it’s because the family-first people want to tear families apart, uh, in the name of Jesus. Don’t ask me to get inside their heads. They’re batshit. Obama went to Boehner asking for a bill and he failed, yet again. But we still have a system of checks and balances in place, as infuriating as that might seem when Republicans are involved. We need to beat them at the ballot box, until then the misery will continue, in all directions as far as the eye can see. But wasn’t it Jesus who said blessed are the shit kickers?

CM: I always found your stuff entertaining, until this interview, but you did get the midterms wrong. The GOP is on the march and yet here you are still focusing your energy on their epitaph.

MZ: Longer term trends look bad for Republicans. They’re deeply divided—not on anything meaningful, mind you—but they’re just further fragmenting into ever more extreme versions of themselves. I think the Republicans will eventually become so batshit that even the not-fully-engaged average voter will be forced to take notice. Trust me on this one. I just worry it’s going to take too long. A growing societal insight may be wishful thinking on my part but the long term voter demographic trends alone will spell doom for the Republicans. They will spell it wrong of—

CM: You’ve done that one before.

MZ: Right.

CM: Let’s say I don’t agree with you on this one. The GOP isn’t going anywhere.

MZ: Well, those brainwashed aren’t, that’s for sure. But they won’t return to power, at least on a presidential level until some major reforms. The alternative is…well, that’s the stuff of nightmare.

CM: You remain a staunch supporter of the president and yet Obama remains deeply unpopular. How are you right and everyone else is wrong?

MZ: Therein hangs the tale.  But why do you think the Obama presidency is such a failure?

CM: Congress.

MZ: Okay, let’s pretend you never studied.  Why does your average citizen think Obama is such a failure?

CM: Obamacare?

MZ: That’s part of it and yet every element of the ACA is popular when polled separately. It’s surpassing all expectations for enrollments, it’s linked to decreasing overall healthcare costs, hospital administrators love it, pre-existing conditions, blah blah, blah, so why is Obama’s signature achievement suddenly the kiss of death panels?

CM: I’m supposed to ask the questions. 

MZ: Well, why else is he demonized?

CM: Fine. He’s had all these supposed scandals.

MZ: Let’s forget you said ‘supposed’ for a moment. This week we just concluded our 457th Benghazi hearing and learned nothing more than we already knew from day one, aka the place needed better security (committee’s lack of findings here). This won’t stop the witch hunts, nothing will. I guess all of the dozens of embassy attacks under Bush had sufficient security…right before they exploded. Feigned outrage, like Benghazi, has successfully painted a picture of both scandal and incompetence. Oh, and did I mention Republicans cut embassy security two years before Benghazi? When there’s a real problem, look to a Republican policy. I think a special Benghazi tax should be paid by all registered Republicans. You want to start being fiscally conservative? Why not start there? Let’s start tracking every time a Fox lie costs the tax payer money.

CM: I do remember you always saying this was a sham.

MZ: And now where are those Republican voices saying “we’re really sorry we led you on this two year journey of meaningless bullshit”? They are almost never right and yet they’re the ones who don’t bother with retractions. Hell, I do more than they do and I’m a spoof guy. I guess if you purge the bullshit from the GOP there’ll be nothing left. But let’s give them credit, their false reality had real consequences for seats. Ebola! ISIS! Amnesty! Fear!

CM: How could this incompetent bunch pull something like this off?

MZ: They’re well-funded and their using propaganda 101 to a tee. Fear motivates. There are also some educational problems in this country that they’re capitalizing on. Why it’s working is really the interesting part, at least from a psychological standpoint. On Obama’s inauguration day I predicted The GOP would try to create a Bush-Left.  That’s exactly what they’ve done. In the context of Obama’s arrival, which I always like to remind everyone involved a global economic collapse and two wars, why didn’t they try to help? The fact they had nothing better to do from day one than obstructionism makes them…um, for lack of a better term, assholes.

CM: You did kind of admit that Obama is as bad as Bush.

MZ: What? When? History won’t agree and yet somehow this is common “wisdom” today. But we forgot one, the economy. Everything is going fairly well right now but Republicans have this delusion that we could be doing much, much better.

CM: Okay, you’re going back to the demonization of Obama. So couldn’t we be doing much better?

MZ: Hell no. As our global economic system continues to split at the seams, I would love to hear some viable plans. Republicans are kind of forgetting how, post Bush, this world market of ours is continuing to flounder, as predicted—kind of like Iraq was lost the day we invaded, as predicted.

CM: Show off.

MZ: Bottom line is, many Americans sense our whole system is in trouble, and they’re right. They just aren’t very good at assigning blame. Republicans have capitalized on their mistakes. I don’t think our economy will ever be the same, post Bush, but since we’ve managed the strongest recovery in the West, Obama deserves some credit. All economic indicators improved drastically under Obama during a very difficult period.

CM: You always talk about the historical context.

MZ: Yes, this stuff is lost on Republicans. Most facts are.

CM: So you’re pessimistic?

MZ: Not necessarily, I have a lot of hope—not for super capitalism, or Republicanism, or our current culture, but for those people willing to embrace the next steps. There’s stuff we can still do to make a better future for future generations.

CM: Like what?

MZ: That’s a loaded question, but I don’t see how blind consumerism survives much longer. I would like to shift to sustainable energies and then to sustainable communities.  This is our moon shot, but we can’t even address this because half our country is not allowed to see the perils we face.

CM: Why do you think that is? Okay, I think I know.

MZ: You do, because Exxon and the Kochs and the like have successfully purchased the brains and votes of nearly half our country.

CM: Others would say you are blinded by the benefits of big government.

MZ: I disagree. I don’t go into anything, including the ACA, blindly. But it’s much harder to see where a Dem-created policy has hurt us in the 21st century, unless you’re lying. The creation of Homeland Security, the NSA, the CIA, these are rogue agencies and, whereas both parties are responsible. It’s hard to see how Dems are more to blame for them.

CM: Obama expanded NSA wiretapping.

MZ: Yes, because we voted for this shit. As it turns out, we’re not horribly bright. Obama’s only scandal is how he is covering for these rogue agencies as well as the last administration’s torture. This doesn’t really resonate in the Fox-lands because on some level even they understand their own culpability.

CM: So Benghazi.

MZ: Right, Republicans are not permitted to discuss real issues and they somehow seem fine with this new reality.

CM: So what are they missing? What are your concerns for 2015?

MZ: Trivia night, I don’t think we’ll ever be—

CM: It’s true, I talked to Sharon. We should skip that for a month or two. I’m talking about national concerns.

MZ: I guess one of my main points remains how Republicans aren’t even “permitted” to see the real problems of our time. They are snowed on an impressive level.

CM: And if it snows, then there’s no global warming?

MZ: Good one! Exactly, and let’s not forget overpopulation, limited resources, mass extinctions, Monsanto, the disparity of wealth, poor education; these are the real problems of our time. And all this is happening while The GOP attempts to dismantle the EPA and the FDA. It’s insane, and history will damn them for it.

CM: They would say radical Islam is the biggest issue. Doesn’t that make the list?

MZ: Sure it does. Liberals are a bit too blind in this area, but their leaders aren’t. Hillary is way to hawkish for my tastes and even Obama, try as he may, is being sucked into this chaos too.

CM: You didn’t support action on ISIS?

MZ: I did, but degrade from the air. Screw putting our folks in harm’s way. The Middle East needs to start giving a shit about its own messes and that won’t happen if we keep trying to contain their own crazies for them. Besides, we have our own crazies to deal with in this country.

CM: Republicans? But you’re not conflating Christianity with radical Islam, are you?

MZ: No, Christians are generally at the upper end of the fundamentalism spectrum but too many Muslims are at the low end and are very tribal. It’s a problem, for sure. The recent interview with Sam Harris and Ben Affleck on Bill Maher captures the essence of both party’s blind spots.

CM: The right thinks all Muslims are jihadists and liberals defend all Muslims to a fault.

MZ: Bingo! Maher couldn’t even read a poll about Muslim beliefs without a massive liberal backlash. On the other hand, I think everything Republicans have done to quell this jihad tide has made things much worse. Besides, some of these other problems I mentioned will get you long before some ISIS-type, well unless we go broke amidst another avoidable war (See: alternate universe McCain Administration).

CM: One last thing, I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned the Keystone Pipeline. Isn’t this an important issue?

MZ: Not really, like our crowd on trivia night, it’s a mixed bag. Republicans are lying about it being a job creator—sure it will create some temp work, but why not just get a job at Best Buy for Christmas? But Dems are ignoring the fact other modes of oil transportation are far more dangerous to the environment. This shit-oil, that probably should have stayed put, may now have to travel further on a tanker. Lovely. Ultimately we need that moon shot away from fossil fuels which the Keystone only exacerbates. Eventually questionable extractions of fossil fuels will be globally illegal, but we’re not there yet. This makes little sense to a Republican, which is your first clue it’s true.

CM: Republicans would say eventually the free market will get us to sustainable energies.

MZ: Yeah, that’s the same thing the Republicans on Mars once said. We don’t have the time to get every greedy asshole on board. In fact, they are actually actively fuzzing the subject so they can keep raping the planet. I remain amazed that some relatively smart people on the right are fooled by these tactics.

CM: Okay, I’m really here because Winslow wants to know what happened in Vegas last week. No material, yet he received, and I quote, “A slew of suspicious business receipts.”

MZ: Ahhhhh, I think you’re only really here, Cokie, because this is your favorite brewpub. Oh, and you can tell Winslow to—

You know I read this stuff before posting, right Zano?

Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

Mick Zano

It’s astounding, time is fleeting, madness takes its toll. Before I go on this epic Pokey rant, as you noted in an email exchange, our views are ultimately not that dissimilar and yet there remains this ocean of difference in the delivery, the solutions, the priorities, the context, and the bigger picture. Why? You need more real fake news in your diet, my friend, and lay off that red meat.  Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for reality.

First, per an email exchange, I admit we’re all brainwashed to some degree, here, but there’s Brainwashed Lite and there’s Brainwashed Double Imperial Stout Reserve. I stand by my five-calorie assessment of myself. Your brainwashed ABV % suggests you shouldn’t legislate for another six election cycles. And please don’t gerrymander and drive.

You still support the Tea Party? My suggestions for this group were ignored, here.  I warned them to stay away from establishment republicans, yet they immediately aligned themselves with corporate America and the worst aspects of the Foxeteers. Now, as John Boehner recently put it, “They have lost all credibility.” Thus by standing by them, so have you. If you remember I had some sympathy for their Founding Fodder, Ron Paul, but no longer. Invoking the Palin-plan and turning politics into a reality show not based on reality isn’t helping—well, unless you can fit Congress into the back room of Hogs & Heifers.

[Lipstick on a pig joke removed by the editor]

Summary Alert:

Republicans greatly expanded executive power under Bush and then through an obstructionist only agenda (OOA) during the Obama presidency have essentially broken our system.

As per your last post, I agree parts of the ACA remain unconstitutional, which is why I initially had reservations about supporting this legislation. I said as much on this site here

But stay tuned, kids, for an important Zano-action-plan after this important rant:

Look Pokey, most folks now agree that going into Iraq, the way we did, was a huge mistake. Then eventually people said, wow, the Patriot Act was a bad idea, wasn’t it? Now in a recent email you are changing your mind on Climate Change (so did Ken Wilber, by the way, here). Fast forward and eventually you’ll agree how Citizens United wasn’t quite as cool as the packaging. Then we’ll hear, wow, why didn’t we switch to green energies sooner? Why did we support coal for so long? Breathing turned out to be as important as jobs. Who knew?  Yeah, well I don’t care at this point, we simply don’t have enough time left to babysit republicans.

As for your little Tea Party, Kansas went the most austerity route post Bush, cuts only, and it crippled them. Europe is recovering in the order of who went the least austerity-heavy forward, which was my prediction here. Why do you still ascribe to supply-side economics amidst the greatest disparity of wealth in a century? And your “sensible solution” is a flat tax which would only widen this disparity, here. One study suggests trickledown/supply side economics has never really worked anywhere on Earth ever, here. And yet here we all are, still trickling down all over the place. Yes, there are temporary monetary gains when you break unions and create ‘right to work’ states, until that day ends when we’re all working in the same sweatshop. When red states do well it’s predominately about the pools of oil and natural resources under their feet. Republicans aren’t the Rockefellers, they’re the fucking Clampetts.

GOP Hillbillies

And someday it will become evident that there’s no military-only solution in the Middle East. Last night I heard Bill O’Reilly say he wants General Patton to rise from the grave and wipe them all out. We battled for over a decade—your way, Bill—and what do we have to show for it? ISIS? The day General McChrystal said we have a presence in 1 out of 10 valleys in Afghanistan, 6 years in, I knew this whole thing was a fool’s errand. This is whack a mole.  Obama is correct to portray these conflicts in such terms. So you’re not brave, Bill, you’re a fool. There’s nothing else to call someone who ignores, not the lessons of history, but the lessons of last week.

These tribal types are not going to hold up their hands and surrender to Zombie Patton and then we all meet in Geneva to discuss the terms of their surrender. They will hide until we are broke. Get it? I don’t know what your suggestion is either, Pokey, but if you align yourself with Bill O‘ the Clown….

There are dozens of collapsing states across the globe and we’ve gotten nowhere trying to fix only two of them through large military campaigns. If there was a viable military solution I would back it, but it’s nothing more than a farce like everything else republican’s espouse. And the only thing—the only thing these dangerously incompetent boobs have noticed in the 21st century is the unconstitutional expansion of executive power that THEY made possible. Yes the Constitution is in jeopardy, Pokey, but you cannot have an Eric Holder without an Alberto Gonzalez and, yes, they’re both wrong which is why I have been very critical of them both. We disagree not on the problem, but on the solution. If there’s any chance of restoring the Constitution it will come post The GOP. Republicans will only support the Atlas Buggered types and your little Tea Party will bankrupt us in the name of Freedom. Both of these groups are incapable of competently championing any of these causes. Republicans have proven to be dangerously delusional, which is fine if you’re downtown arguing with a fire hydrant, but not so much if you’re running the largest economy and the largest military in the world.

Here’s the plan, Pokey.

Step 1: Through the Discord’s Get Out the Spoof efforts let’s ensure there’s a steady decrease in republican elected politicians (SDREP). I want the Zano Nation—all eleven of you—to vote D in the midterms. Remember, only one person in the country thought the Dems had even a chance to hang onto the Senate.

Step 2: Foster the emergence of a new viable conservative political party with principles NOT based on a delicate blend of false assumptions and bullshit. Tea Party need not apply. This is going to be the hard part as post the GOP collapse to come will further radicalize them, here. It will be important to support moderate republican voices during this transition.

Step 3: Finally, address the shit from your last post. These are valid concerns. I voiced similar concerns pre the ACA and also pre the War on Error. First, we must create a political atmosphere wherein reforms can actually take hold. For example, a healthy Republican Party could have focused on the individual mandate of the ACA instead of 427 meaningless attempts to repeal the entire law. They could have focused on the ratio of tax cuts to revenue instead of tax cuts only. Depressions suck and so do Republicans. They can and should be ignored. But until we have a viable 2nd party this places our rights and our future in jeopardy.

The rule of law will never be restored if we keep electing those biggest offenders, those who broke said rules in the first place, in power. Hell, I was never a super majority kind of guy, as it will likely bring with it a host of its own problems, but having seen the damage one political party has wrought in the 21st century, can we survive a temporary super majority? Yes We Can!

Dear Pokey,

Your constitutionalists only focus on the 2nd Amendment, yet they still manage to misinterpret it. Your economists believe in “voodoo” and you’re still fighting conventional wars against stateless fundamentalists for the benefit of Halliburton, not America.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Keep on torturing for Jesus and good luck with that next Benghazi hearing.

Or:

Meanwhile, close Guantanamo, the courts system works, Congress doesn’t. Back green energies, fuck coal. Keynesian economics works (sadly), trickle down doesn’t. I want a balanced budget too, let’s start with everything the republicans refuse to cut.  Science works, republican ideology doesn’t. Gerrymandering is a real problem, voter fraud is not. Investigate Bush’s War, not Benghazi.

Arguably the reddest state, Kansas, invariably votes for the Monsantos of the world—the ones who destroyed farming as we know it. Brilliant.  And Governor Brownback, the most austerity heavy republican of them all, busted the state’s economy so badly you can see the aftermath from flippin’ Oz.

I have suggested many things over the years and yet all my warnings have gone unheeded. What the hell have republicans warned us about? Ever? Any republican in America would immediately answer with something fundamentally false. How do we have a system of checks and balances with the perpetually unbalanced? I commend your attention to constitutional detail, Mr. McDooris but it will never be heard through The GOP’s current Scheissgeist. That remains my main point. Zano Nation unite, form of blog rant.

Transcosmetic Party anyone? Perhaps we need to create mission statement. You in, Poke?

Rise of the Radical Republican?  Boehner Inaction Figure Sold Separately

Mick Zano

Despite the recent successes of some moderate republican candidates, I don’t believe it accurately reflects the larger political trend. The GOP will likely track further right and within a decade we will start hearing the words “radicalized republicans.” Bozo Haram? I know, I know, it’s like the time I commissioned a bust from that OCD sculptor, I’m getting a head of myself, again.

Andrew Sullivan would likely nominate my last statement for one of his over-the-top Moore Awards, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Sully doesn’t have to live in the trenches, like Arizona. Conservative types are becoming dangerously deluded. I’m predicting our future may well consist of the Clive Bundys of the world uniting, form of misinformed militias. I want a revolution too, but one based on reality. Sure I have my doubts about our future, but forgive me if I’m reluctant to climb into the bunker with the rest of the Schmuck Dynasty.

“You know this is all Obama’s fault, right? Want a can of chick peas, fella?”

I can hardly wait. Time to reiterate: I’ve never been a huge fan of the Dems, but I would rather see Michael Vick head of the ASPCA or Ray Rice head a domestic violence taskforce than see a republican president in 2016. My total liberal shift, at least vote-wise, has nothing to do with Democrats.

Ideology check: If, with the aid of a stool and the Hubble friggin’ telescope, you still can’t see some scant reflection of reality, you may be a republican.

The Foxeteers hate this president and they will likely hate the next several and, lest we forget, they’re the ones with most of the guns. You say you want a revolution?  …well, you know, we’d all love to see the Rand.

Why hate Obama? What are the specifics? All we ever get are kernels of drivel from this Scheissgiest of theirs. Do you hate the successful implementation of a version of the Romney healthcare model? Do you hate having the best economic recovery in the west? Do you hate avoiding ground wars in the Middle East?  Hint: attacking ISIS may cost another trillion, while Obamacare is thus far cutting healthcare costs. There’s nothing remotely fiscally conservative about fiscal conservatives. Someone get Paul Ryan a calculator.  Atlas Buggered?

Summary Alert: Bush’s faults were of the San Andreas variety and Obama’s of the fictional variety.

What’s most disturbing is how even our president is forced to factor in this rightwing hysteria and fantasy into his algorithms. This is part of why he’s starting to falter.  San Andreas falter? This week we find nearly one in four Foxeteers want to secede from the union, here. Nearly one quarter of the country! And this group is not going to settle down after losing more elections. They were created out of fear and propaganda as part of a rightwing ratings scheme and at this point the damage is done. I predict republicans will have several opportunities to realign themselves with reality but they will miss all of these windows.  Defenestration Nation? Sultans of Squeegee?  Sorry.

People are in the middle, Zano. They’re not as polarized as Fox and MSNBC would have us believe.

That may have once been true, but no longer. Republicans are ready for a revolution. They don’t understand or acknowledge any of the real challenges our nation faces—with the exception of islamofascism, which they overhype—and they have no idea how we got here. 2000 to 2008 has been plucked from their collective hippocampus like some political lobotomy. Electro Conservative Therapy?

Our real problems remain: The growing disparity of wealth, overpopulation, pollution, the failure to shift to sustainable communities and energies, and the perils of accelerating climate change. These will all go unnoticed until it’s too late. Oh, and wait until our radical friends start bombing mosques. That’ll help. The Blather Underground?  Bozo Haram? Did I use that one already? How about Ailes-Qaeda? No? Okay, I’ll work on that one.

Of course the left will go lefter, but I‘m cool with that. Oh no! …thoughtful social libertarians! People who don’t worship the Koch Brothers, people not as ready to placate Wall Street or invade the wrong country! People who want to at least try to save the planet. Nooooo, everything will go to pot! I wish.

Hint of the Day: big business will be just find in the 21st century, but you won’t be.

It’s almost fanatical how today’s conservatives rail against any truths that might surface. Whack a maxim? I attended a Tea Party Express rally once, here, and yikes. Since that evening I have been patiently waiting for the inevitable collapse of the Republican Party. I called for reform for over a decade before giving up. We needed a healthy GOP to help balance the budget, to help reign in spending, to improve Obamacare. We’re getting nothing from this clunker, so it’s time for the scrap heap.

Why, during a time when the GOP may claim both chambers of congress can you talk about the right’s inevitable demise?

First off, they haven’t won anything yet. I broke from guru Nate Silver when republicans had an 85% chance to take the Senate and it is now down to 65%. Never underestimate their incompetence. Look, if you’re only pandering to white, old, angry, uneducated males, I’m afraid your future is tenuous at best. But don’t worry, so is everyone else’s. If The GOP wins the Senate it will only prolong their demise. I don’t have the patience, so I’ve used the Zano model to ensure the Dems hold on. Hint: it involves a headless chicken, burning sage, and some pin cushions.

“Political conservatives are the greatest threat to the nation.”

—President Barack Obama

This should be hyperbole, but I’m afraid it’s not. Someone immediately posted on Facebook, “How is this statement defensible?” Uh, read Zano. Just remember where you heard it first. Believe me, masses of delusionally misinformed, sociopathic citizens will eventually spell our demise; they’ll spell it wrong, of course.

“Republicans endanger civilization.”

—Nancy Pelosi

Only we can destroy ourselves. Bin Laden knew as much. If only Bush had been half as smart as that bastard.

“I know we’ve become used to this – and the press has found a way to write about the GOP as if they are not a reckless, know-nothing, post-modern fantasy machine. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remain capable of shock and anger at this pathetic excuse for a political party, at the unique idiocy of this party of the right in the Western world.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Obama has had some missteps as well as some moments of brilliance, but republicans only have one thing on the agenda, another Benghazi hearing. Hell, I never understood the first fifteen. I want to debate the perils facing our country and our planet—the one I have to live and blog on.  If republicans want to storm the Bastille—oh, wait, too French (insert your own metaphor). I don’t care what they want to do, I don’t want any part of it.

Okay, Cleetus, hand over the chick peas, but first I’m going to tell you a little story about Keynesian economics and the series of unfortunate events that led us to see if it could work.

Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That

Mick Zano

I thought I understood the Obama Doctrine, until now. More disturbing than the prospects of Iraq Part Deux is this: a recent poll indicates Americans would prefer a return to a Bush-style Doctrine, here. If this is true, do you remember Bill Paxton’s character from Aliens? Game over, man!

For anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine, how about we book you the Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’. Boots on the ground? How about a boot up your asses? I realize we’re all short attention spambots these days, but if we forget every historical lesson, every time—between the couch and the flippin’ fridge—why do I bother with all this [*********] blogging?!

[The word insightful removed by the editor]

The ONLY glimmer of insight from the Drudgelands in the last decade was this shift away from Fox’s Chicken Hawk Syndrome. Obama’s recent soiree into stupidity has me flummoxed and I’m rarely flummoxed. Is Obama caving to public opinion? Are there too many morons on both sides of the aisle offering advice? Is ISIS more of a threat than they seem? Will the McMillian Pub management lift my recent ban from their establishment?

I just went off on Hillary’s foreign policy, here, and now Obama is doing this shit?

“He committed himself and us to a victory we cannot achieve in two countries we cannot control with the aid of allies we cannot trust. And, worse, he has done so by evading the key Constitutional requirement that a declaration of war be made by the Congress.”

Andrew Sullivan

I am not freaking out as much as Andrew, because drones, special ops and air strikes will continue to be necessary in the Middle East for a long, long time. And I’m, frankly, fine with that. But I do not want to arm anyone, save maybe the Kurds, and no significant boots on the ground. Advisors and special ops, maybe. But no arming Syrian rebels! Broader air strikes will need to occur with someone else’s boots on the ground, but whose? As predicted, Coalitions post Bush will be tough and Obama’s is going to be meh at best. Maybe he should call it Coalition of the Good Luck with ThatFor all intents and purposes, we’ve been alone since about 2004. And the GOP keeps knocking justice from 30,000 feet. Today it’s all we’ve got. Thanks.

Dear Mr. President,

Of course your generals want to play with all of their toys. That’s what generals do, but it doesn’t mean it’s the best overall policy. Every intervention thus far has created even more radical splinter groups. Thankfully you held your ground on those boots on the ground, but you cannot afford to screw up, sir. Arming Syrian rebels is dumb.  Saying we’ll wipe out ISIS is dumb. Leave dumb for those who have already mastered this adjective. The first hint that your plan was dumb was the resounding bipartisan approval it met in Congress.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. I want the sweater I knitted you back.

We have a rare opportunity to completely marginalize the batshit right. So get it together, sir. I do not, circa 2016, want to see a republican president denounce ISIS and then start a war with the Egyptian Goddess of Love.

Earlier today, President Perry ordered air strikes that laid waste to the Egyptian step pyramid of Zosar. Outside of the remains of the Third Dynasty structure, Perry asked Defense Secretary Cruz, “WTF? Why didn’t she come out?”

The various militias in the Middle East should not get any more of our toys? They end up using them against us. The Onion nailed it: Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups.  See, I thought spoof newsers were just smarter than republicans, but if we become the overall experts and authority on everything… (gulp). I would say Big Gulp but then Mayor Bloomberg would confiscate that last sentence.

No one has ever said, “Hey, Zano you’re the voice of reason.” People have said, boy”, if you’re the voice of reason, Zano, we’re in big trouble.” We are in big trouble…

I could actually understand folks seeking a third viable option or party but returning to the Bushies for guidance is like asking Marion Berry to guard your stash. To take one more step beyond, everyone is looking to Mitt Romney for answers. This cannot be overstated enough: Republican chicken hawks are the assholes who got us here and today they are arguably even less insightful. I watched what every republican said on foreign policy in the last two primaries, and besides Paul 1 and Paul 2, they don’t have a sliver of an inkling of a quark of a grasp on reality [editor not touching that one.]

“Foreign policy, the interventionist critics claim, has no place for nuance or realism. You are either for us or against us. No middle ground is acceptable. The Wilsonian ideologues must have democracy worldwide now and damn all obstacles to that utopia. I say sharpen your knives, because the battle once begun will not end easily.”

—Rand Paul

Rand Paul has some foreign policy sense, which disqualifies him from becoming the republican nominee in 2016. As Congressman Todd Aiken reminds us: when someone has a brain, the GOP has a way of shutting that whole thing down. Republicans are only taking applications from those promising to amplify the disparity of wealth and rule the rest of the world with an iron fist. You know, part Hoover part Hitler.

Someone recently noted Eisenhower’s exit captures the essence of the Obama Doctrine. I agree.

“I’ll tell you what leadership is… It’s persuasion — and conciliation — and education — and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know — or believe in — or will practice.”

—Dwight D. Eisenhower

I understood Bush’s blunders during each tragic misstep because, like My Pet Goat, he was a pretty easy read. Obama is smart, so it’s much harder to glean all of his longer term strategies.

“Halfway through this President’s second term, negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program have, at last, a realistic chance for success. Russia’s recent aggressions in eastern Ukraine may end in an uneasy truce. The gains have been unshowy and incremental. But when your aim is to conduct a responsive and responsible foreign policy, the avoidance of stupid things is often the avoidance of bloodshed and unforeseen strife. History suggests that it is not a mantra to be derided or dismissed.”

David Remnick

Our neocons have taught us all only one thing, just how ineffective and tragic a poorly conceived military campaign can be. What would republicans actually have done between 2008 and 2014? I have never seen a group blather on about nothing for so long since my last existential Meetup group. Saber babbling?

So to all of you know-nothing Obama blamers, I don’t know what our President should do about ISIS and neither do you. I would not want to be in his golf shoes. But in 2003 Bush had a clear and easy choice to make on Iraq. He made the wrong one and that’s why we’re here. That is called a fact. Bush’s Iraq War was an intelligence failure, just not the kind you think. But has Obama jumped the shark on this one? And, can anyone really get away with comparing a war to an old Happy Day’s reference? These questions and more will be answered, same blog time, same blog station.

Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country

Mick Zano

Yes, this is my foreign policy for Demmies. Whatever the hell the Obama Doctrine is, can we keep it? …or at least rent to own? If there is anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine in 2016, how about we book you a Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’.

Yes, I’m climbing out onto Obama’s rickety foreign policy limb, but why is this limb rickety? (Isn’t that a gin drink?) This limb should be of the Muir Redwood variety, but even some Dems are distancing themselves from Obama—faster than the NRA from their Climb a Clock Tower Tuesday promotional, which was at least better than their all-you-can-skeet buffet.

Do you remember when Romney was running? He said, “Obama is making error after error on every key foreign policy issues… Look, this is a failed presidency.” Yet Romney couldn’t really articulate anything meaningful on the subject, nor could he explain where the Bushies had erred—in either of his presidential runs—not because he was playing some party line, he really didn’t seem to know.

The Fox News Effect
The Fox News Effect, Protecting our politicians from reality since 1996
Protecting our politicians from reality since 1996

I think Mitch McConnell actually said Obama’s foreign policy failed in January of 2008, while he was still unloading his stuff from the presidential U-Haul. That was part of Obama’s first scandal, Fast & Fragile, wherein Michelle never really labeled stuff adequately and just threw shit into boxes.

Someone on the right gets it:

“Foreign policy, the interventionist critics claim, has no place for nuance or realism. You are either for us or against us. No middle ground is acceptable. The Wilsonian ideologues must have democracy worldwide now and damn all obstacles to that utopia. I say sharpen your knives, because the battle once begun will not end easily.”

—Rand Paul

Rand Paul has some foreign policy sense, which disqualifies him from becoming the republican nominee in 2016. As Todd Aiken reminds us, when someone’s got a brain, “The GOP has a way of shutting that whole thing down.” Did you see their last convention? Did you see what just happened in Mississippi? It seems that system is working well. Perhaps too well.

Bat Shit Signal

Sorry, I love that. I gotta have some fun. But it’s no surprise republicans are giving Rand Paul a hard time. The GOP is now only taking applications from those who promise to:

  1. Amplify the disparity of wealth domestically, and:
  2. Rule the rest of the world with an iron fist.

(You know, part Hoover part Hitler.)

Why am I constantly forced to defend competence? Oh yeah, this is opposite world. Today’s average congressman D or R make our 2008 Republican Vice Presidential candidate look insightful. Don’t remember who that was? (Hint: I can see her blouse from here.)

But damn our President for muddling! He’s muddling! Sure the plans Obama is putting into motion are gradually yielding fruit, but he’s muddling. Americans don’t muddle. They act swiftly and decisively, against the wrong country.

Look, Obama learned from Libya (his Iraq), which had no loss of American lives and cost about 12 bucks. But he factored Libya into his algorithm when dealing with Syria. Yes, liberals have algorithms and republicans rely on Roger Ailesgebra or Drudge Nuggets. Okay, I made that up, just like they do.

What almost no one in this country seems to understand, or even mention, is that since sanctions began Syria has handed over an estimated 90% of their WMDs…uh, which had no loss of American lives and cost about 12 bucks.

“Wait, so he accomplishes shit without killing lots of Americans and endangering our economy? That’s un-American.”

—John Q. Republican

P.S. Impeach!

I think I kind of nailed this one via a funny little post, here. Look, if you take out these despots things will continue to unravel. There ha never been any good answers in the Middle East. I don’t want to drone on about this, pardon the bomb, but the worst case scenario seems to involve broader military campaigns—you know, the GOP’s only strategy. (Hint: The GOP always employs the worst strategy. See: list of GOP 21st century successes.)

“Actually try Googling that shit. Nothing comes up.”

—Captain Obvious.

Besides:

“An era of American primacy has finished, and the many, many smart people among us understand this. These Americans are able to see their nation in historical terms.”

—Patrick L. Smith

This is the reality of our collective future; Bush simply hastened things a bit. I would like to blame it all on him, but I’m not an all-or-none thinker like my friends on the right. The world has been falling apart for a long time, a trend that certainly accelerated post 9/11. Our neocons have taught us, and the world, just how incapable we are at intervening anywhere. What would republicans actually have done between 2008 and 2014? I have never seen a group blather on about nothing for so long since my last existential Meetup group.

Reality Check:

“Obama is battling a knee-jerk sentiment in Washington in which the only kind of international leadership that means anything is the use of military force.”

Fareed Zakaria

“Just because we have the best hammer does not mean that every problem is a nail.”

—Barack Obama

Fareed then quoted a similar sentiment from Eisenhower’s exit and feels this may capture the essence of the Obama Doctrine.

“I’ll tell you what leadership is… It’s persuasion — and conciliation — and education — and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know — or believe in — or will practice.”

—Dwight D. Eisenhower

Bingo. I understood Bush’s blunders during each tragic misstep because, like My Pet Goat, he was a pretty easy read. Obama is smart, so it’s much harder to glean all of his longer term strategies. I remain cautiously optimistic that Obama, with what he was given, is moving us toward a new era in the best manner possible. History will likely agree, or:

“I have always been impressed with Obama’s ability to navigate these foreign minefields. Republicans, on the other hand, tend to just kick every rock…with their dicks (Cheney joke omitted by the editor). Thankfully our president can reassess, change in the moment and weigh options in real time…w/ Bill Maher.”

—Mick Zano

So, once again, on behalf of those few of us still residing in a place I like to call reality, thank you, Mr. President!

And as for our republican friends, I’m sure you had other ideas for this time period…um, because you have no idea.

Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?

Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

Say what you want about the Dems, but as for The GOP I haven’t seen a bunch this misguided since that comet chasing cult in the 90s. Halle-GOPP?

Dean Obeidallah over at the Beast interviewed a psychiatrist about The GOP and found:

“Republicans have a masochistic relationship with the media (that can be described as) self-defeating personality disorder. They have learned that the way to connect to other people is through their suffering, through doing just the thing that will bring them ridicule or pain.”

—Dr. Foehl

Bieber Cyrus 2016

Dr. Foehl believes this group thrives on negative attention. Hey, maybe this is how the GOP can win the future.

Foehl is focusing on the tendency of The GOP to ever gravitate toward a series of self-inflicted wounds, like the War on Women, the War on Immigrants, the War on Voters. Roll up your sleeves, Congressman, I want to check for austerity cuts.

This is certainly part of their 2016 problems, but there’s an even more important theme emerging; there’s a growing consensus in the field of psychiatry that The GOP is increasingly reality impaired. Swaths of our citizens are disappearing into the paranoia realms, which may only be good news for the makers of Reynolds Wrap.

As far as specifics, the only thing I agree with Dr. F on is that they suffer primarily from an Axis-II personality disorder, which is the most difficult to correct or treat. Compounding the problem, Ikea is out of Wyoming-sized psychiatrist couches. Even if one arrives many republicans won’t be eligible for the help because their state blocked Medicaid expansion. More of Foehl’s masochism? I like my diagnosis better, here. Whereas I’m not a doctor I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Zano Holiday Inn

I find republicans have an astounding confirmation bias, an inherent rigidity of thought, and an inability to accurately interpret new information. This phenomenon clearly exists on the left as well, but it’s far more subtle and less debilitating. Chris Mooney, citing some neuroscience, explains:

“Reasoning is actually suffused with emotion. Not only are the two inseparable, but our positive or negative feelings about people, things, and ideas arise much more rapidly than our conscious thoughts.”

Chris Mooney

You can’t reason with folks when reason is no longer on the menu. I would like to identify when I defend the indefensible, which is Pokey McDooris’ new job. Speaking of which, my Obama criticism homework assignment will go up next week. Yet whereas I still make the occasional retraction, the right—the poster children for neurological failings—remain almost completely incapable of this function. Although I admit that if Fox News started making retractions it would interfere with much of their regular programming.

Fox and Friends will not be seen today so that we may bring you our retractions from yesterday’s Fox and Friends.

Whereas the left has identified your Rumsfelds and your Cheney’s as sociopaths (see The Dish coverage), the problem is much more pervasive. The republican tent is lousy with them. Sociopaths are less likely to move through the liberal ranks as they tend to be more easily flagged. The reward system of might makes right and super capitalism is breeding a monster disparity of wealth and a sociopathic epidemic. I already covered our sociopathic CEO’s here.

Haggerty recently delved into three hours of Fox News a day for a month. Not recommended. This is a trained journalist. Don’t try this at home.

“Fox and its friends seem to have become so influential and all-encompassing that it is actually creating an entirely separate version of reality in the minds of its most loyal viewers, one that with increasing frequency doesn’t match reality.

—John Haggerty

Zano bait:

“The government shutdown demonstrated that the Tea Partiers are, for the most part, delusional rather than irrational: They can be forced to reconsider a particular tactic if you persuade them it’s politically catastrophic. It just requires an epic level of public anger to break through their epistemically-stunted consciousness”

—Noam Schieber

Schieber goes on to explain how Obama’s attempt to placate terrorists was a mistake. Yeah…I know, you heard this stuff years ago…on a certain spoof news site.

Should republicans take the senate in the midterms some wonks see a bright spot; they believe it would force republicans to actually govern. I don’t think we should ever reward bad behavior, nothing good will come from it. Luckily it’s not going to happen.

And, as for 2016, we cannot allow a group of people functioning on a level of consciousness on par with the kids who just got dropped off at the bus stop to run our military. Wait, I’m being told they aren’t on the bus today; they got detention…Oh…I’m being told they thought one crayon pack per student was socialism so they’re holding their teacher at gunpoint.

If Palin is still your 2016 darling (full story here) all the defunding of education in the world isn’t going save your party. The GOP will likely pick up some seats in the midterms but they’ll still be well below historical expectations and then moving forward this party is….

GOP Toast

Good thing they cheated to keep the House, eh? Even Boehner has reached his limit:

“For two days running, Boehner, has made clear that he’s heard just about enough from conservative advocacy groups such as the Heritage Foundation, Americans for Prosperity and Freedomworks. On Wednesday, he called them ‘ridiculous.’ On Thursday, he said ‘they’ve lost all credibility.’”

Frank James

Great, the civil war is in full swing and CPAC did not purge the looneys. If you purge all of looneys from the GOP this is what you’re left with:

Empty Room

And through it all Fox New still has their viewers eating out of the palm of their Hannitys. The only reason the GOP isn’t called to the carpet is because they reside in an ideological unfinished basement. Could you imagine what we could be focusing on, what we could be accomplishing without them? It’s a Shakespearean tragedy. Midterm Night’s Dream? Much ado About Taxing? No? Okay I’ll work on that one.

I have never in my lifetime wanted a super majority for either party, but anything, anything the Dems do would be better than having a republican in office. If their slogan is “a chicken filled with pot in every oven” –Hillary 2016. Wonderful! If Hillary even goes all Oprah on us and says, “Look under your seats America, you each own a car!!!” Bring it! I need a new one anyway.

“I think Republicans will not win again in my lifetime for the presidency unless they become a new GOP, a new Republican Party.”

—Rand Paul, GOP frontrunner

Of course, you know where you heard that first, but keep ignoring me. In fact, I insist.

CPAC Run!

CPAC Run!
Mick Zano

Welcome back, Pokey, to the important civil discourse happening here at The Daily Discord, you horrible little troll of a man. Let me guess, you only have access to cable news and AM radio—strike that, just AM radio. Nevertheless, I’m cheering the return of the Discord’s prodigal chum, but now to dismantle your arguments faster than a Daihatsu at a chop shop.

I agree the Dems need to be reigned in, but the current GOP will not accomplish this important task. It’s like putting the Ghetto Shaman in charge of a hallucinogen busting task force. Charlie’s Angel Dust? Did you catch CPAC by chance? I think a judge would be hard pressed not to order forced anti-psychotic injections for the lot. Many think this was their best effort to purge the looneys, I disagree.

If Rick Santorum makes the most sense at your little party, take off the sweater vests and put on the straitjackets. I kind of liked parts of Rand Paul’s bit, aside from the fossil fuel quest and the revisionist history, but otherwise ‘meh’. But the Pauls have never really fit in with the GOP mindset, because occasionally they stray into something I like to call reality. But how does the GOP shift from dad, hailed as a complete Kook, to frontrunner son without ever admitting any wrongdoing? Rand has the same schtick as his dad. It’s surreal.

Most republicans are attacking Obama for his “Carter-like” bumblings in the foreign policy spheres, yet what would Rand Paul do? He would do less than Obama. Let’s face it, there’s no unifying the ideology of fundamentalists, chicken hawks, and Tea Baggers. Irreconcilable hindrances? None of them make sense, but shove them all into the same tent and:

Santorum and Huckabee's Greatest Shitshow on Earth!
Santorum and Huckabee’s Greatest Shitshow on Earth!

And there is no news cycle in the last decade, Mr. McDooris, where a Dem-caused-problem really trumped a GOP caused dilemma. Whereas the crises you tend to cover remain theoretical, mine are quantifiable. And I’m done pushing for reform with this bunch; there comes a time when the EEG’s been flat for so long it’s time to pull the plug. Death panel anyone?

As I recall, you feared our 1st and 2nd Amendment rights under Obama, yet surprise surprise, years later you’re still shooting off your mouth and your guns. The advent of the politically correct police is hardly the greatest issue of our time. Besides, it’s these next round of issues—the ones you haven’t even identified yet—that will be our undoing. My list of future headaches here.

Why is talking to a republican always like time travel? Come with me if you want to Lib? I’ll be Beck? No? How about hasta la Christie, baby? Fine, I’ll stop.

Look, I blogged my dismay as the Justice Department became subsumed by the executive branch under Bush and already mourned the death of the Bill of Rights, here. In real time I rallied against the expansion of executive power with sharp zingy puns and satire, here. Remember? You should…I was arguing with you in that article. But as it turned out none of my eleven fans helped me storm the Bastille that day. Our freedoms died with a whimper, not a bang, amidst a very patriotic act.

Republicans are always walking up to some charred, smoldering black lump and saying, “Do you think we should, uh, open those barn doors now, Cleetus?”

If memory serves, you were also harping on people taking advantage of our system. That’s still a main GOP theme and, whereas it does happen, the problem ranks about 5,875. Strong work. The stuff I’m worried about is going to take another ten years for you to even identify: climate change, green energies, energy sustainability, sustainable communities, overpopulation, the disparity of wealth, twerking. But by then it will be too late. Will twerk for food?

Feel free to pursue happiness in the wasteland, Mad McMax, but we just don’t have the kind of time necessary to bring you and your ilk up to speed. We can’t enter the solution phase of any given problem because with one group science is always unsettled and uncertain. The only thing I’m certain about is how unsettled your party is.

And I don’t care if you have to pay 85 bucks a year for some emergency room fee. Eventually we’ll have a single payer system. But I hope keeping you on this planet a little longer doesn’t cramp your freedoms. It’s these half measures that always get muddied: individual mandates, medical marijuana, Managed Care. Give me a break. By the way, I was never for the individual mandate, here. How about you either pay the fee or sign a waiver that we don’t have to treat you at any emergency room? Wear a tag or something.

Hi I’m Pokey. If it’s going to be more than ten bucks, doc, just wheel me to the morgue.

It’s all part of Operation: Dying for Freedom! I don’t think the right could identify a freedom if it ran up their leg and bit them on their lapel flag. Frankly, your system and the people you vote for will still rush you along to the morgue, after they go through your pockets looking for loose change.

Have you seen the GOP’s counter proposal to Obamacare? Hint: Bachmann’s charts, submitted in crayon, make more sense. And I don’t care if you have a religious opinion that supersedes that of a decision between a doctor and a patient. This sums up that riveting argument:

“Religious groups have been exempt from the birth control benefit all along, and they still are. This is a case about paperwork, not religious liberty.”

—Cecile Richards, president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

In the time it’s taken you to post your last article, untold hundreds were incarcerated for smoking pot in this country, something I did, something you did, something our last three presidents did. A huge section of those “freeloaders” you mentioned have un-expungeable felonies on their record so are now virtually unemployable. But let’s not address that, because someone on the dole is making money off these folks in a private prison somewhere. Because the free market works!

The republican vision of freedom, is the freedom to live amidst the highest incarceration rates on the planet and the freedom to work in a unionless sweatshop, forever, without any chance of any vacation or any raises. They get away with this by selling this increasingly unlikely scenario:

“Hey, don’t fight for worker’s rights, because some day you’re going to run the sweatshop and you don’t want people cutting into your profits when you’re in charge, do you?”

—John Q. Republican

Stephen Moore was just on Bill Maher saying the same thing while defending Walmart’s unconscionable practices. “Do you know how many managers at Walmart came up through the ranks?” Give me a break. Wait, we’re not paying for breaks anymore so get back to work, oh glorious manager-to-be.

And if I hear one more republican say, “I’m not like that, I’m a moderate.” Bulllshit! You’re electing increasingly unhinged radicals. Did you watch CPAC? Where were these moderate voices, in your head?

“Republicans are so far right only two republicans are allowed at a time on the observation deck of the leaning Tower of Pisa.”

—Mick Zano

If you’re the bunch defending guns and the Constitution, you might as well shoot your copy of the Constitution Made Easy and then throw your gun off a cliff. Obama governs like Reagan, so the argument the left has gone off the deep end is a farce. In comparison liberal ideology hasn’t really shifted much to the left. Actually, it hasn’t shifted far enough.

No issues can be addressed adequately when one faction of our society gets their facts, their science, and their news from an alternate reality. The ideology of the right is no longer viable. They’re a distraction. You wonder why I don’t get around to those Obama rants, Poke? Take today for example, as I write this post The Drudge headline at the top reads:

Russian Ballistic Missile Threatens West!

But when you actually read said article, it says Putin submitted plans for this missile test to Obama, in triplicate, over a year ago and it has nothing to do with the current situation in the Ukraine. They are frightening the hell out of old people with a sociopathic pattern of lies and distortions not seen since we created the Discord’s mission statement.

Of course, since the GOP accurately predicted something (Putin’s bad behavior), they will now attempt to make matters seem worse. Whether the Ukraine situation fizzles or escalates I predict—through sheer force of will—the GOP will try everything in their power to rekindle the cold war, through patriotism.

Or:

“Either Obama will ignore this problem in the Ukraine and prove his weakness, or he will recklessly escalate the situation with senseless aggression, and I will let you know Monday depending on what he does.”

—Jon Stewart, making fun of Sean Hannity.

The GOP is creating reality through a confirmation bias not seen in this country in our lifetime. But as for my lack of Obama criticism, I will post an article on my complaints with our 44th president (Hint, they will barely resemble yours).

The members of each political party certainly reside along an ideological spectrum, but for the Democrats to reach GOP levels, they would have to nominate Rosie O’Donnell for president, after she announced she’d be appointing the entire cast of The View to her cabinet.

As you well know, I predicted if the GOP stayed on this course they would die and, right on cue, many are wondering if there’s a future for this group. All I can say now is, good riddance, and don’t let the McDooris hit you on the ass on the way out.

What Keeps Me up at Night, Besides Jolt Cola

Mick Zano

We are all living in the same country, during the same period in history, and yet during the Age of Information we remain completely unable to agree on even the most basic issues of our time. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Meanwhile, a republican’s arsenal consists of either breaking shit or graciously offering common sense solutions…involving unicorns.

“Should we go with magical thinking today or outright sabotage in the name of democracy?”

—John Q. Republican

During this crucial period in history—at least in the realm of foreign policy—Obama rates nothing short of a 17th level wizard. Dumbledem? Gandalf the Blue? No? I’ll work on that one, but someday soon our 44th President will be recognized for his foreign policy prowess (FPP). Okay, how about today? Apparently a viable first step has just been struck in Iran! I will refrain from another told-you-so moment—like hell I will, here. I realize many republicans will attack any diplomatic approach, to which I say, amen.

Republicans understand foreign policy in these simple steps:

  1. Bomb
  2. Occupy
  3. Fuck up said occupation
  4. Wait until a competent Dem shows up on cleanup
  5. Repeat

Cruz/Sheen 2016: Hump the Establishment!
Cruz/Sheen 2016: Hump the Establishment!

The GOP has sailed quietly between our worst president in history to our worst Speaker of the House in history. And by quietly I mean Olyphant in a Faberge’ egg factory in certain Latvian mall approaching the speed of sound…kind of quietly. In their world this is called Winning!

I don’t think we need your opinion on foreign policy. Oh, who am I kidding? We do, so we can always remember to do the opposite. For the majority of the Bush years The GOP failed to recognize the gross incompetence of that administration and now, always consistent, they can’t identify an administration with a more sensible and effective approach. Have I mentioned Obama has accomplished 10x as much with 10x as little money?

We really do live on two different planets. If men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, liberals are from Earth and republicans are from Pluto (which, incidentally, has been downgraded recently. Coincidence?).

Here is a list of what The GOP considers some of the leading issues of our time:

1. Obamacare (an attempt to regulate real America through death panels)

2. Our failure to defend Benghazi (aka the real 9/11. So let me be the first to say, Benghazi was an inside job!)

3. The move to a European-style socialism (for some examples Google: happiest countries on planet), scary stuff

4. High unemployment (hey, I tried to open all those hemp stands)

5. Our growing deficits and the endless imaginary money being pumped into the economy

6. Our endangered 2nd Amendment (said the criminally insane person legally wielding the Uzi in the bar)

7. Immigrants forever changing real America (one lawn at a time)

8. Securing our borders (solved in two parts: 1. By building the Great Wall of Stupid and then 2. By creating the pathway back to Mexico)

9. A variety of Christian tainted social issues (CTSI) and, of course, abortion rights.

Did any of you throw up in your mouth a little?

Here are my concerns, in no particular order:

1. The Patriot Act (which led to unregulated drone strikes, The NSA, The Associated Press scandals)

2. Our ever growing deficit and the endless imaginary money being pumped into the economy

3. Our inability/incompetence to move to greener energies [Kermit joke omitted by the editor]

4. The War in Iraq (more importantly all future chicken hawk/neo-conic ventures. Can you say WWIII?)

5. The impact of Global Warming, mass extinctions, and our dying oceans

6. Out of control healthcare and college tuition costs (finally one is being glitchily addressed)

7. The disparity of wealth (all wealth shifting to about six people)

8. Population growth and the genetically modified moguls who will feed us (all hail, Monsanto!)

These are all major problems that are occurring, right now. Each of them have huge implications for our personal freedoms as well as our collective future, aka, almost none are covered on Fox. This list should be our focus, but instead we’re glued to stories of selective outrage and bullshit.

You could also add the money we’re wasting on the War on Drugs to my list. My related post here. Or, our decision to torture prisoners and the terrible impact it has had on our international affairs and our credibility. In my personal life I relegate torture to the third date or beyond, provided we’ve established an agreed upon ‘safe’ word.

As for the republican’s list, no one is going to be talking about Obamacare a year from now…oh, who am I kidding? It will likely be covered for two years, assuming it has twice the longevity of a bullshit scandal (see: IRS or Benghazi).

My shit will become increasingly pressing and their shit, not so much. Granted, republicans have identified our long term deficits as a problem, but their solution is to have a depression (see: The Ryan Plan). Besides, deficits will stop being covered under the Christie Administration—so we can resume Operation Ignore Debt (OID) like magic. David Coppafeel? Fox rarely mentioned Bush’s or Reagan’s out-of-control spending, because back then it was simply the sweet cost of freedom.

You see, in the republican realms of all-or-none thinking our deficits are 100% attributed to Fannie Freddie, which is 100% a Dem created problem, and we can only reduce our deficits through 100% austerity and tax cut measures through a 100% nullification of all things Obama.

This isn’t 100% wrong, but as usual it’s pretty damn close.

In order to stave off a double dip recession we need a balanced approach of tax cuts and revenues, thus my advocacy for Simpson-Bowls. A very fair 10 (cuts) to 1 (taxes) deal was blocked by the Winning brigade last July. Motley Screw?

Cutting carbon emissions and shifting to green energies is another ratio that we must address. We could start by ending the use of coal within ten years. If you are currently employed by the coal industry, please update your resumes. Hint: solar is the future (see: Germany, or better yet my post). Does that mean oil ends tomorrow? In their world, yes, because it’s always either or. You’re either with us or against us, taxes or cuts, bombing or not bombing, socialism or capitalism.

And, of course, climate change or climate stability. It’s not slightly happening or maybe happening on Tuesdays only (which is my theory). Not happening is an interesting choice when one considers the severity of the consequences of getting this one wrong and something I like to call “data.”

Foxeteers will invariably support oil, nuclear, and coal “just for the meantime.” There’s still a few species left on the planet, so just for the meantime. Then they systematically thwart or mock any attempts at moving greenward. For them pollution and global warming are liberal talking points. Yeah, well tell that to Al Gore, who…uh…gets polluted every night and talks about global warming.

Since most of our biggest problems don’t even exist to republicans, we can’t move toward the solution phase of anything! Reality involves ratios and percentages, but reality has become the enemy of the right. We need to start discussing these and we need to do everything in our power to marginalize and ignore our reality-devoid republican friends. Regardless of the problem, they are simply not part of the solution. It’s going to make things harder, of course, but we must increase political sanctions until the GOP tears down all of their fake scandal factories…oh, sorry.

Anyway, I say we get back to using ratios, percentages, and realistic strategies to address the problems our nation is facing. And let’s leave the GOP home with a nice ball and some glitter—supervised, of course.

A Victory for Gun Owners or for Gun Sellers?

Mick Zano

The truth is elusive these days, but thank goodness you all have a spoof news blogger to rely on for your information. I received considerable backlash from my liberal friends recently when I warned Obama about attempting any form of gun control. I suggested, rather adamantly here, to avoid the whole thing unless he called it the Let’s Only Disarm Progressive Liberals Act or some such.

Yes, the Republicans are only protecting the Constitution for their perceived in-group members, aka, they don’t remotely understand the Constitution (see: the Patriot Act). In this cultural context, I realized the sheer number of illiterate Nugentinians out there would derail any such efforts, no matter how common-sensical or benign. Usually the Republicans are the ones who miss these social cues, but the prez didn’t read the tea party leaves correctly on this one. I don’t get the sense Obama really understands who he is dealing with yet. Like Cheney before him, he only seems to be watching the favorable press these days.

If you recall, I couldn’t bring myself to support Obamacare either. You won’t hear this from the GOP, because it’s true, but out-of-control healthcare costs is one of the biggest problems facing the middle class and small business owners today. We certainly need something like the Affordable Care Act but, my concern remains, how do we implement such a thing during a very fragile recovery? I also agree with Republicans on this much: I don’t have a whole lot of confidence in supersized bureaucracies. I work in one and it makes Sean Hannity seem like Lex Luther. Other countries can pull off universal healthcare, but we’re fast becoming a country of the ‘very special’ variety. Ultimately, I think we’ll get there but it’s going to be messy, Lindsay Lohan messy. And, regardless of the details, it will never pass muster on the Right. They will cite every poor person’s death as some Obamacare nightmare. I can see the Drudge headlines now:

Obamacare Strikes Again: Man Dies on Medical Floor after Being Denied Procedure!

Never mind that in Matt Drudge’s world the same man would have died in the lobby, after failing to be admitted for lack of funding. And, not to mention, that kind of thing already happens every hour in America.

Dear GOP,

Valid points…isn’t it time you made some?

Sincerely,

Reality

Similarly, I warned Obama about even mentioning gun control. My reasoning then was:

A. It’s not the right time amidst this environment of fear and ignorance.

B. If forced to a vote, such a bill might purge even more moderates from our red states, and why accelerate the GOP’s radicalism?

C. Like a certain Cardinals quarterback, it won’t pass.

Forget gun rights for the moment, Mr. Obama, we need to be focusing all of our energy on avoiding a double dip recession—an event I called immanent some time ago. I’d really like to be proven wrong on this one.

Here’s the 2nd Amendment coo coo roll call:

Due to a delicate balance of ignorance, lobbyists, and propaganda, there’s a very small but vocal percentage of our population who believes it’s essential we arm our criminally insane with loaded Uzis. This minority is well-funded and well-represented in Congress. After all, that was the founding father’s vision, right? It makes sense…in the same way Jesus only wanted his followers to protect embryos and stem cells, not people. And even more disturbing, this is the same group that won’t fund any of these Uzi-toter’s Haldol injections.

Bumper sticker alert:

Make Guns Not Haldol

—The NRA (in conjunction with James Holmes, Adam Lanza, and Jared Loughner)

“I’m not blaming the guns, I’m blaming the greedy assholes who make the guns.”

—Mick Zano

So how does the only armed group die out, you ask? Well, here’s my scenario:

The Republican dies during a shootout with a Charlie Manson type while I’m hiding safely in a nearby tree. I don’t underestimate firearms, but the GOP always seems to underestimate avoidant pacifism.

Obama nailed it last week when he endorsed Mental Health First Aid. This training, started in Australia, teaches folks how to identify a psychiatric emergency, as well as the subsequent DOs and DON’Ts while encouraging the individual to seek professional help. Living in Arizona during Loughner’s rampage, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if someone earlier in his life had pointed him toward the nearest mental health center. I’m talking to you Marcus Bachmann.

Admittedly, I haven’t been doing well when it comes to handling Republicans. I keep challenging their delusions, which is a big MHFA no no. So instead of poking more fun today, here’s a national hotline 1-800-GOP-HEAL.

Most of our killing sprees have more to do with our underfunded mental health system and our ignorance of mental health disorders than any political affiliation. Both sides have been shameless on this point and, as usual, each party can only seem to recognize the other side’s hypocrisy.

“Normally, terrorists tend to be to the far right.”

—Chris Mathews, MSNBC

The Boston bombing occurred because: “Obama is disengaging from the Middle East.”

—Brian Kilmeade, Fox News

And, yes, it’s another case of dumb and dumber. Chris Mathews quote goes against my understanding of spiral dynamics as liberalism tends to attract more terrorists, but then not to be out-dumbed:

“The fact Fox News is still allowed to comment on foreign policy issues is a testament to our 1st Amendment rights; the fact people still listen to them on this topic is a testament to our stupidity.”

—Mick Zano

On the flipside, there’s a growing number of libs who believe no one but the army and the police should own firearms. These are the Michael Moore’s of the world and I am sorry to say one of my heroes, Bill Maher, is among them. Both of these views are equally absurd. I think the majority of our country is wrong on this issue.

Now let’s add to our tally those who are too young or too disinterested to care about gun rights and we find, sadly, only about four people in the U.S. are making sense on this issue. So if my math is correct, the Ryan Budget works! (Ha, ha, ha…kidding). But, what it does mean is the majority of this country is seriously 2nd Amendmently impaired. This includes our president, who should have taken my advice and gone golfing instead.

Hearing the GOP complain…well, it’s like having the head of your local Home Owner’s Association sporting a car graveyard on their front lawn. Fix yourselves first, or stop commenting about my unkempt hedges!

Or, as The Ghetto Shaman put it:

“I’m just growing them out so I can eventually shape them into a middle finger, bitches.”

—The Ghetto Shaman

A recent Gallup poll found only 4% of the country believes gun control is our number one issue. Of course, this was immediately translated by the batshit Right as:

“Only 4% of the county thinks gun control is important.”

—The Batshit Right

Yeah, I guess there’s only one topic allowed per administration. Hell, I wouldn’t even place gun control as the most important issue of our time, but is Gallup the problem? No. It’s the people who immediately distort the meaning. This isn’t about some Huffington Post interpretation of an issue three months later, this is about the systematic and blatant misconstruing of any given study, topic, or event before the ink even dries.

So CNS—the stepson of the Media Research Center, who I creamed last week here—read this Gallup question, What do you think is the most important issue facing the country today? and they came up with this headline:

Who’s watching the Watchmen?
Who’s watching the Watchmen?

Gallup: Only 4% of Americans Think Gun Control is an Important Problem.

CNS is not alone, dozens of websites now have it framed this way. I don’t even know which was first. I can’t find nearly this much flagrant misrepresentation of facts on the Left. It’s as if Democrats alone have cornered the market on something called reading comprehension.

Fact: 90% of our country favors background checks, or as Bill Maher put it, “Even some of the people who wouldn’t pass a background check are in favor of background checks.” This 90% number came from something called Politifact.com, not delusionalGOP.org.

Which brings me to this point: the GOP came late to the internet, they came late to Facebook, hell, they came late to just about everything…but if I were forced to decide on the most pressing issue facing our country, it would be the dire need for the Republican Party to reform. Why, you ask? Because information on the Right starts on Fox News and degenerates faster than the Ghetto Shaman at a bacchanal. In other words, if left unchecked, it effects every other topic. We can no longer afford to look through this Republican fun house mirror before addressing each and every issue!

(Breath.)

But, on the issue of gun control, the Left annoys me as much as the Right. There are tons of good reasons to protect our 2nd Amendment:

  1. Overturning it in its entirety is never going to happen and is not even advisable.
  2. People have the right to hunt and skeet and continue any number of other related hobbies.
  3. People have the right to protect their families and property. Home invasions are not fun.
  4. It would be a real issue if we handed over every gun in the country, and here’s why:

Number four needs some explaining. When a Republican says, “I don’t trust the government enough to hand over my gun” the Left has been dismissing this with something akin to:

“The government has drones. If you try to take on the government you’ll be blown to smithereens.”

There are a number of future possibilities for our country and most of them are not rosy. Let’s say we go broke and no one is paying the military anymore, so it disbands. What then? Do we really want to be one of the only easily occupiable countries on the planet? What about a great cataclysm that leaves parts of the world defenseless or isolated? Do liberals really think there’s no chance of our government going completely bankrupt, or completely Dr. Evil? Or what if the unthinkable happens and our military is somehow defeated? I am afraid we are moving into a time of great instability (for other unstable time periods see: Earth History).

Here’s some other reasons:

  1. An invasion of radioactively enlarged bugs. THEM! THEM!
  2. An invasion of radioactively involved reptiles (you get the idea).
  3. A Zombie apocalypse
  4. A Bachmann Administration
  5. A Palin Administration (you get the idea).
  6. A Twilight marathon. Believe me, I would need a gun.

If we survive long enough, we will gradually become a more peaceful species. But that is not the case today, not by a long shot (pardon the pun).

The two most likely scenarios for our future demise are:

  1. Climate Change Related Upheavals (CCRUs).
  2. A revolution fueled by our increasing disparity of wealth.

So, yet again, the Republicans aren’t even discussing these. But, if and when a revolution does occur, a firearm may come in handy…especially during Twilight: Breaking Dawn. That one was the worst.

The Republican Scandal Identifier Kit

Mick Zano

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like…well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

I’d like to say I’m happy they finally identified this very real civil rights problem, but naaaah. They’re simply against all things Obama, never mind the fact their precious Patriot Act is the real culprit here. My precioussss. But let’s give Rand Paul some credit. He’s playing the libertarian card well with his recent protest, but one week earlier the majority of the GOP blessed the drone program. What the Pauls understand, but the rest of the GOP doesn’t, is the Patriot Act is at the heart of the problem.

In 2003 ninety percent of the GOP backed the Patriot Act. Yeah, they built that shit; they supported that shit; they loved that shit long time…um, until the black guy said, “Hey, what’s this? Can I play?”

Fast forward to today and each and every game Obama is making a number of three pointers on Al-Qaeda’s leadership. But in Bush’s defense, he did hit a foul shot once…oh, sorry, I’m being told that was an orphanage.

When Habeas corpus was indefinitely suspended in 2003, I remember yelling really loud. Yet no GOPers said a word….er, except Rand’s dad, Ron Paul. And I applauded him at the time too. But once you give up the right to an attorney and to due process Cheney’s secret prisons, secret police, enhanced interrogation techniques, and yes drone strikes anywhere on anyone becomes possible. Most of the Bill of Rights from that point forward became null and void.

Mem-mories…of that time you screwed the pooch.

Will Republicans have any meaningful revelations before their Revelations? Hey, I have an idea. Why not take off all your clothes and climb into a time bubble and go back to about 2002 and say to your younger selves, “Come with me if you want to vote!”

That’s why you never give that shit up in the first place. Under Bush’s Patriot Act, if you were deemed an enemy combatant or just darn unfriendly to our government, umm, you’re gone—moderate-Republican-type gone. Speaking of which, you know who’s hostile to the government? Ninety percent of all Republicans. Mr. Obama, I believe you know what to do.

As for what the GOP fears, whatev. They have the insight of a water chestnut after it’s been turned into a Panda Express entrée. I’ll have the orange chicken hawk, please.  Look, when Ron Paul was bitching about this shit, the Right called him a kook. I remember this period and they apparently don’t, or as I like to call it…the usual. So it was constitutional then but it’s unconstitutional now because it’s being utilized effectively? Republicana remains completely devoid of any logical threads whatsoever, in fact, somewhere Socrates is ordering a double hemlock.

A reader recently commented on the subject:

“If this was going on with a republican in office you would be screaming that we are turning into a fascist state and Hitler was reborn, but there isn’t a peep out of you.”

Peep Alert:

2003 there were three people in the nation bitching about the Patriot Act, yours truly, Ron Paul and Russ F’n Feingold. And Russ never returned any of my sexts (probably because they didn’t exist yet).

I predicted no one, D or R, would ever restore the rule of law (2003), and mentioned it several times on The Discord (one here).

Then three weeks ago—just before Rand Paul’s last, er, rand—I said:

“And the one major thing going astray on his (Obama’s) watch, in this case drone strikes, they can’t even recognize as a problem.”

—Mick Zano (article from way back in February 2013 here).

So this is immediately translated as, why don’t you get it? The main hint that I get it is the fact the Foxeteers don’t think I get it. Get it? Works every time.

Then the reader goes on to ask why I haven’t “prepared myself for the collapse of the country.” (Flashback alert.) Actually, knowing shit about stuff has afforded me many more years of paranoia with which to hoard and gather beer and…er…well, see “beer hoarding”.

Look, I am happy the GOP is not speaking in one voice anymore, but now they need to stop listening to the other one in their heads. I know you all despise the government, but you can block out their signals with a simple aluminum foil hat. I would prefer to focus on our biggest problem, the GOP. Almost every major disaster at home or abroad can be linked to them. Case in point, Dictionary.com has added a picture of our 113th Congress after the word dysfunctional.

Check out my article from 2009 Why I’m Planning to Stay in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat bugs. Bugs are an excellent source of protein and it really helps if, while you pop them in your mouth, you talk like Renfield. If that fails try some garlic and butter.

Wow, I reread that article and it contained some of my harshest criticism of Obama to date. Maybe I have given up on the whole rule of law returning thing, maybe I have drank the liberal Kool-Aid? Sure I predicted this, but why roll over and play Dem? Why? …well, because it’s better than the GOP’s Kool-Aid. That shit makes Jonestown’s taste like a bottle of Château Guiraud. At least some of the Dems policies and approaches have made sense to me over the years, which incidentally beats a resounding “never” from across the aisle, or as I put it last week:

“I’m sick of reaching across the aisle and then hearing a clown horn.”

—Mick Zano

That’s been my main point—having one party that never seems to make sense, regardless of the issue, isn’t working out horribly well. And if you look at the Dem’s missteps over the last fifteen years, we would still have a country. Add the Republican missteps to the mix and…

“So long and thanks for all the Fox.”

—Douglas Adams

The most recent Obama scandal is Woodward-gate (hey, that’s funny). Back in the day I had a modicum of respect for Bob Woodward. When he came out with his shitty book Bush at War I let it slide, but now you’re siding with those on an almost unprecedented wrongness streak? Geeh, I wonder how this one will turn out for you, Bob? I’m going to go out on a limb here…badly. Here’s the quote at the heart of the Woodward bullying controversy:

“I know you may not believe this, but as a friend, I think you will regret staking out that claim.”

And regret you will, sir. I’d wager most of the Foxeteers never heard the actual quote. I’ve been listening for it but real news on Fox is strangely elusive, like The Ghetto Shaman on urinalysis day.

Of course to the Foxeteers the actual quote is a “talking point” as they suffer from an advanced stage of afactophobia. There it is! A fact is scrolling across the marquee! AhHHhhhh! Squish it! Squish it!

I haven’t heard the whole Woodward quote on Fox News and I was listening for it. I only heard the bullshit extrapolation, over and over again. Who knows? Maybe Woodward did feel threatened, but if you offer the above quote as your only evidence…umm, Bob, you might be a Foxeteer.  Face it, you liked the access and the cash and to keep it you eventually traded in your soul. You went from uber-journalist, to journalist, to pseudo-journalist, to Fox News Contributor.

Bernstein? Has anyone seen Carl Bernstein?…Beullerstein? Beullerstein?

But even after Woodward looked bad on this one, the damage was already done. Fox News doesn’t do retractions, so they made their political hay over the last couple of weeks and once the truth surfaces, no problem…they’re already focused on their next baseless claim. It’s what they do. In fact, it’s all they do.

Even When Comedians Catch Us Lying
We Don’t Do Retractions

I don’t think the GOP would be able to identify a proper scandal if it water boarded them and invaded the wrong country.  Oh, and for those political masochists among you I went in depth into all the old Obama “scandals” here.

Our biggest problem is not the deficit, it’s our Congress. Frum gets it:

“We hear good news about the U.S. economy every day: housing recovering, household deleveraging, etc. etc. The biggest threat to US prosperity, however, is distinctly Italian-style: the political dysfunction that brings us unnecessary fiscal crisis after unnecessary fiscal crisis.”

—David (soon to be ejected from the tent) Frum

Sure, let’s sequester. The Republicans have always championed the most irresponsible cuts and the most reckless path. For some reason I have also remained somewhat fixated on the GOP’s straw man argument as a sub-theme, which is roughly:

“If only someone wonderful would emerge to represent us!”

The Republican National Committee Chair, Reince Priebus, just said the GOP has an image problem, is all (as covered by Slate). Dude? How do you polish a turd? Look, if David Frum—one of the last of a dying breed of sane Republicans—had some kind of momentum I’d say there was hope, but he doesn’t. What none of them seem to understand is smart/articulate/and the words conservative values are no longer meaningful. Peeps are fleeing your tent faster than Chris Christie from a NYC convenience store. Drop the Big Gulp, sir!

Speaking of Christie, he has an almost unheard of 73% approval rating in Joisey. He is the perfect man to sell the GOP message. Now all they have to do is find one.  Oh, but he’s essentially been kicked out of the party too, so why are you still talking about Republican reform, guys? You’re getting C-fudge-PAC’d. Try something that might reach more people, like a Starbuck’s stich & bitch. You need to start something, in the immortal words of Monty Python, completely different.

Republicanism today stands for greed, ignorance, and an unswerving ability to conform to the prevailing prejudices. Who’s going to champion those causes? Oh, right, no one who could win a general election.

Marco Rubio can not save the GOP. Only a double dip recession will allow a Republican anywhere near the White House and by then this country will be tits up. When there’s no merit or substance at the root of any Republican cause, it means Rubio is facing a Herculean task. He would have better luck wresting that giant squid or cleaning up those stables. Jerkulese? If you want to attract insightful people to your party, invite Christie to the next CPAC and dump Palin.

Scandals: why they can’t identify any.

What I fear:

A. Terrible things that have already happened: (The Patriot Act, Citizen’s United, Torture, unnecessary wars, complete government dysfunction, the Great Recession.) I warned about all of these while they were happening, or prior to, but I admit I was thinking “depression” for that last one. So kudos, Mr. Obama.

B. Terrible things that are likely to happen: (climate change, continued mass extinctions, our inability to go transition to green energy, our government’s right to fill our skies with drones, Bush’s expansion of power will never be overturned, more Tea Party-style bond downgrades, an austerity only approach to our economy which will cause a double-dip recession, our increasing disparity of wealth will lead to revolution, and the release of future Twilight movies.)

What The GOP fears:

A. Things that will never happen: (The 2nd Amendment is ending! Death Panels! Communism! Obama’s ties to the Muslim Brotherhood! Obama’s going to do away with term limits and rule us forever!)

B. Things that have already happened but who flippin’ cares? (Our demographics are changing! A Bush/Cheney style gun running program got someone killed! Obama’s wasting money on solar energy! Benghazi is a dangerous place! Faggots are teaching our children about tolerance! Colleges are making our kids liberals and smart and stuff! More people might be insured soon! AhHhhhhh!)

Get a grip…

The only thing the GOP has a point about is high deficits…er, created primarily by the GOP. Hey, and lest we forget, machines now do more of our work, yet we work longer, union-less hours further into our life spans for less money. Hooray Republicans! What do you do for your next trick?

Meanwhile, every second, the real money goes to fewer and fewer people. That’s actually happening, under D or R. So I want all the Foxeteers to look at the DOW, look at our increasing disparity of wealth numbers, and then look up the word socialism. Now smack yourselves in the back of the head.

A word on our 2nd amendment rights:

If you are not seriously mentally ill, or you haven’t shot anyone randomly in the face (Bush/Cheney joke omitted) you will always be allowed to carry a gun in this country…it may not be a bazooka, but if you all start bitching about enforcing background checks, I’m going to be forced to tell that joke.

Oh, and as for the bigger fish currently frying:

>

chartclimate

Someone with a high school level understanding of science should be able to look at this chart which covers the last 11,000 years on our planet—or the one I posted here about total peer reviewed studies on the subject—and immediately go, “Oh, guess I’ve been wrong about this one.” But they can’t…and that’s the story. This one is a tad important. For something that isn’t important, turn on Fox News.

Even if you’ve never seen these charts or understand them, the fabled Northwest Passage is now navigable for the first time in recorded history and sea levels are clearly rising. So even if you don’t believe science, do you believe your own eyes? Or, more importantly:

“Do you believe in life after Fox?”

—Cher

Yet the GOP remains impervious to reality. Humanity faces many issues, the ending of the 2nd Amendment in the USA is not one of them. If a decade from now the Earth gets 10 degrees hotter, one group would be saying, “It’s because we let faggots marry.” And don’t worry, I guarantee you—guarantee you—you will still own a gun with which you can shoot your face off before you starve or melt.

“From my warm, wrong hands”

—Wayne LaPierre

Dear GOP,

For the good of—not only this country but for mankind—disband.

Sincerely,

Earth

The GOP is always ALWAYS years behind on any given subject. Trust me on this, no one is going to reign in Obama until the freak show dies. They are a useless distraction at this point, like Congressional sessions and car blinkers.

People ask me why I keep covering the Right and not the Left. Well, one side has some journalistic integrity, the other has none. One side addresses some real problems, the other side either doesn’t or makes shit up. Even yours truly, a spoof news blogger, was reigning in Keith Olbermann years ago for his Hannityesque antics, here—as were many others on the left—and now he can’t get a job. Meanwhile his counterpart on Fox, Sean Hannnity, is king. And many key Dems are starting to question drone oversight here. I’m not saying they’re doing a great job but there is clearly limits to their madness and least some connections can be drawn to their policies and to something I like to call reality.

Yet no one on the Right can ever seem to reign in the Breitbarts of the world, except God I guess. Speaking of which, God can kill anyone abroad or on American soil without any oversight whatsoever.  Why do Republicans insist on defending this fascist’s deity’s behavior? Isn’t it time we identified our real enemy? God.

Due to their confounding rigidity of thought, the GOP has become an inept group of zealots almost completely devoid of merit. They remain a disgrace.

Or as Andrew Sullivan put it:

“No entity in our polity right now is more radical and revolutionary than the current GOP: their contempt for institutional custom knows few bounds when it comes to the short-term tactical possibility of impeding even a newly re-elected president, after losing the popular vote for the presidency, Senate and House.”

Andrew Sullivan

The Foxeteers, the Fighting 26%, continue to ignore science, historians, and scholars and, more importantly, Mick Zano.  Good luck with that. But before I sign off I would like to take the time to thank the Republican Party…er, for not listening to me over the years. The entire GOP has dropped to a 26% approval rating. I think if every GOPer meditated once a day and read David Frum or Andrew Sullivan, for at least fifteen minutes, we could have rational conversations with them again. I know I give my friends on the right side of the aisle a hard time, but thankfully some of them seem to be drifting toward a “pox on both your houses” stance, which is a far more respectable position. Know hope.

“Obscure metaphysical explanation to cover their sick ideology and failed economic policies, reasons Drudged out of the shadows to explain away that which cannot be explained. Call it a parallel political plane or just insanity. Whatever it is, you can find it in the TwiRight Zone.”

—Rod Serling

(Not doctored in any way)

(Honest)

(Well, maybe a smidge)