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Verbal Charades and ADHD

The Crank

While waiting for my shrink to digitally write out my meds for the next three months, I asked him a question. What amazed me was the cognizant answer. This new guy is great. He has knowledge and stuff—not like that last one. I spent my $125.00 listening to her bitch for 30 minutes. She had her loser daughter as her assistant. Imagine moving your business and not calling all of your regular clients to inform them. Then berating them when they suggest how a knowledgeable person might be better in that position. Headbob, followed by a “layta beeoch!”

Anyway, back to the current shrink. I asked him a question about memory retention. While I am only 57, I have noticed a steady and almost relentless decline in my memory, particularly names. The comedian Louis Black calls this phenomenon verbal charades. He said whenever he hit 60-ish, his friends got together to shoot the shit, but it eventually always turned into a game of, “Geeh, who was that guy in the movie with, err, whatshername? You know the one with the mole in that movie with the guy from Sopranos? You know.”

Yeah, verbal charades. I am now living the dream.

I wanted to know two things from the psychiatrist: #1 was WTF? And #2, “What can I do about it?” I didn’t think I was getting Alzheimers. I was told if you forget your keys, you’re getting old, but if you forget what keys are for, it’s Big Al time. I just think I’m a bit young for this shit (I say as I use my keys to try to start the microwave).

What the doc said to me makes perfect sense, but first some background info. I was a victim of what I call Galloping ADHD. ADHD stand for Attention Deficit—holy shit, it’s raining!

I was born with a-talkin’ and a-twitchin’ that never stopped. I had the attention span of the average little kitten. I was also, like the kitten, easily distracted by shiny objects. In my case, those shiny objects had four wheels and a V8. I finished High School in three years, with a N.Y.S. Regents diploma and an A average and never did homework. Not once-evah! I did the last period’s homework whilst listening to this periods work. The final period was always study hall, by design.

I was smart, but you had only milliseconds to get your point across to me before I was off to see the wizard. I actually attended college…for three days. It was just like High School, only LONGER. So fucking much for that shit. I eventually found the perfect job for ADHD’ers. Supermarkets. They needed people who could work for union scale, do everything ultra-fast, and do it so it looks like it was done right. Not necessarily done right, just the appearance of correctness would suffice. Oh, and just how many jobs CAN you start simultaneously and never finish? You’re hired!

It wasn’t until I visited a shrink with someone else that I found out I might have ADH— what the hell is that cat up to now?

I was 35, married, and finally given a name for my affliction. I was also given a remedy of sorts. Ritalin. This little pill saved my fat ass, it did.

I was told it would take about three weeks to see any difference. A lot of what I did in my job was repetitive, and this one day was no exception. As I was trying peal some labels off this roll for the cheese—sometimes these labels refused to obey my wishes—I would give the first one three tries and, if it didn’t come off, the whole roll got tossed. I had little patience. 1-2-3-toss, 1-2-3-toss, etc.

Well, this particular day I noticed my coworkers got very silent all of a sudden. As I turned around to see why, I see them all staring at me. My assistant Rob then leans over and with a look of utter astonishment whispers, “Hey Crank, do you see just what the fuck you’re doing?” I look down, and in my hands was a roll of labels.

There I was, like I had all the time on Earth, gently trying to persuade a deviant label off its roll.

After a few tears, I realized one thing: I had never made a decision not based on my ability to work around this friggin’ ADHD. It was another in a line of epiphanies. My life was going to change for the better. The Ritalin, and later Strattera, would bring me somewhere near the realm of “normal.”

Here it is 22 years later and my life did change. I now make a fair living at a computer—something that wasn’t possible for me back in the day. My attention span has improved drastically. There are still things I would not attempt for all the money in the world, but that list grows shorter by the year. Watching golf? There is not enough Ritalin on Earth for me to do that…likewise, sitting in traffic, long phone conversations, or reading complete Zano features. Naah.

But herein lies the return-ass-bite. As I age, the friendly new shrink told me, my short term memory would be the first thing to go, because it’s what I always had trouble with from the onset of my affliction. So I guess verbal charades is here to stay.

I now laugh at myself without having to look in the mirror. People will walk into work and walk over to me and start talking, all the while I’m nodding in agreement and taking notes. When they leave, my coworker leans over to me and asks, “You don’t have a CLUE who they were, do you?”

If I don’t remember their names by the time they’re ready to leave, I usually ask them, “How do you spell your name again?” Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I just know one thing. Getting old sucks ass. But it beats the alternative.

You know, the guy who dresses all in black, big scythe? He was playing chess in that Ingmar what’shisface film?

You know, whatshisname?

Crank

Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses

Republicans Speak from Two Places, Ideology or Their Asses
Mick Zano

In hindsight, comparing John Boehner to Don Quixote isn’t very fair to Mr. Quixote. But what’s the GOP attacking now? Why are they so afraid? Even when they aren’t in power, they’re the story….a sad, sad story, yet an ever-evolving one, or in their case devolving. Look, don’t fear a reasonable amount of competence…it’s INcompetence you want to avoid. See how easy that was? Now you try to think of…just kidding, like that would ever happen.

The GOP’s premise that saying whatever the hell you want and having people cheer is not going to play out horribly well in the general election. If Rick Santorum says he hates Abraham Lincoln because he appeased the Klingons along the Neutral Zone during the Boer War, people are going to fact check that shit. For example, Lincoln appeased the Romulans, not the Klingons (Trekipedia). So put that in your sweater vest and smoke it, or your smoking jacket and sweater it.

Regardless, whoever gets the nod, Fox News will immediately try to create reality around their candidate, like Sarah I’m-Warning-the-British Palin and Michelle Jefferson-Freed-the-Slaves Bachmann. But you can’t create candidates this stupid and expect to get anywhere…or can you?

“Obama’s support among white men has slipped from 41% to 36%, with the drop being attributed to men without a college degree.”

—Lihat Terjemahan

Keep defunding education; it’s your only hope. Then, after 425 more debates, maybe you’ll end up with Rick Man-on-Dog Santorum. Someone recently said Santorum would be an impressive figure in the 1800s. I think that’s offensive to people from that era.

But the growing chorus of people coming around to my way of thinking gives me some small comfort:

“The GOP’s once credible attacks on the president’s record have morphed into an incredible attack on the country’s intelligence. That change is reflected by Obama’s double-digit lead over the GOP field. Sometimes it seems as if Santorum and the others are content with pushing each other closer and closer to the edge of idiocy because that’s easier than pushing ideas to convince voters they’re the best person for the job.”

—LZ Grandersen, CNN

So I get this email from a Republican friend of mine, apparently the word “dhimmitude” is written somewhere into Obama’s new healthcare law. The email said it’s designed to exempt Muslims from paying for Obamacare. Of course, the email said ‘please pass on and scare the shit out of your already paranoid friends and relatives.’ The email seemed scary, for sure, but I wrestled with even looking up the damn thing. I’m so sick of fact-checking some right wing moron, but alas…

Fact check.org:

Dhimmitude (according to them it is in the bill):

However, “The overwhelming majority of them are explicitly Anabaptist — that is, Mennonite, Amish or Hutterite. Those that don’t specify their denomination are still explicitly Christian. Having gone through the list, we can say with certainty that no Muslim group, and indeed no non-Christian group, has ever qualified for an exemption under the statute used to define exempt religious groups in the health care law.”

So I came up with my own, much better definition of Dhimmitude:

“A force countering the natural propensity of a society to become more intelligent (otherwise known as the Flynn Effect) through endless inaccuracies perpetuated by the early twenty-first century U.S. Conservative Party. This group, in essence, is hindering the naturally occurring cognitive acceleration of the entire species, making the world just a little dumber one Hannity episode at a time.”

There, that’s better. Now for homework please use the word in a sentence.

Geesh, you people are like the pundits who cried wolf. Henny Penny the pipeline is falling. Someday you’re going to uncover something real, or, worse yet, you already have, and everyone is going to blow it off when they consider the source. I know I will. For many, many years Republicans have been doing a huge disservice to reality. And they don’t even have to live here anymore! They can just visit now and again to check on their house plants and then climb back into their neococoon.

It’s like any other time when the right seems to be making a valid point, I make the terrible, terrible mistake of researching it (never do this). It’s astounding how little of what they say is based on anything but horse shit. Perhaps they represent the missing dark matter in physics? Hmmm. I believe that’s from the Theory of Smellitivity, which also states nothing in the Universe can lie faster than the speed of Right.

Please get some people with a clue on your side, because this is getting ridiculous…or, hey, let’s talk about Obama’s birth certificate again. I’ll clear my schedule…and my brain.

And don’t hate Gingrich, Santorum and Limbaugh, you are the party of Gingrich, Santorum and Limbaugh. You all deserve each other. This has been my clarion call for years. I gave Keith Olbermann a considerable amount of shit when he went uber-liberal, so did a lot of other people, and he’s gone…meanwhile, the Right embraces and promotes the suckage. A Dan Rather on the right would not resign in disgrace, but would inherent Murdoch’s empire. The fruits of your labor can be seen during this wonderful primary season. Oh, wait, you don’t like fruits. Scratch that.

Over the years, you haven’t been remotely interested in policing yourselves, and math? Naaaah. Math leads to socialism. So you made your bed, keep lying in it. In fact, get a room with some animals, midgets, harnesses, maybe some scuba equipment, and all those other things you’re repressing in the name of real American values, and have at it.

The scant few valid points the Foxeteers actually have tend to be issues I agree with Obama on. There are a few distinct differences between R and D; these are why we hold elections. For instance, the Right is making a big deal about the Keystone Pipeline. Obama really did vote this down. This is based on reality…whew, I knew reality would creep into this conversation sooner or later. Okay, I really didn’t, but I was kind of hoping…

But, instead of moving toward real solutions for our energy problems, the GOP fixates on temporary band aids in an effort to jury rig this psychopathic, oil-owned system of ours. Should we have done this pipe-whatsas? From my reading, it looked like a mixed bag—a measly 800,000 gallons a day of the dirtiest of the dirtiest (at best). Meanwhile, the Occupy Movement is really starting to focus on long term sustainable systems for our future. I heard some great things on a recent Coast to Coast show on their last summit and some new ground rules from another source here. Not that it will likely mean anything anytime soon, but I appreciate their sentiment. Meanwhile, the Right takes their marching orders from Exxon Mobile…well, I don’t.

“I do what I want!!!”

—Cartman

Apparently, gas prices are going to have to climb much higher before we start taking alternative energy seriously. It didn’t have to be that way, but you’ve been missing every memo on the subject of sustainable energy for, oh, about four decades now, so tough shit.

Also, after an exhaustive study conducted on approximately 1,400 professors across the nation, it found that college professors are slightly more conservative than the general population…NOT more liberal. Just add that to the long list of the GOP’s false assumptions, which now, if listed end-to-end, would reach from one end of Newt Gingrich’s ego to the other (okay, that’s an exaggeration). At this point, it’s really safe to say their entire world view is delusional—next to nothing pans out under the microscope, or even under the basement light bulb on a string.

I would have actually guessed more professors would be liberal as that’s part of the consciousness spiral, but, either way, is that the focus of each and every class? Is there really some diabolical coordinated plot? Did we all just pay our tuition fees each semester for some Loraxian-style brainwashing? “I am Dr. Lorax, I speak for the Ds.” I think I do remember him, actually…short guy, big moustache. And, I have to admit, I enjoyed taking Hollywood Celebrity Causes 101 and Advanced Sorosology as much as the next guy.

Face it, Matt Drudge combs the country for examples of this phenomenon and he comes up with about one a month. Frankly, there’s probably more teachers boinking their students than liberalizing them. Drudge, meanwhile, Cherry picks a whole host of headlines designed to anger and misinform the already angry and misinformed. Good work if you can get it. In fact, let’s look at The Drudge today: gun sales are up because people are frightened of Obama’s re-election.

Hmmmm. Soooo you’re all scared during this steady, albeit slow, recovery phase, but you weren’t scared during the whole….horrible decisions that led to …… catastrophic……… global…….. What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

I know, you’re worried about spending. So let’s end all of the Right’s unfunded policies, today. No? Congress got your tongue? Oh, I get it, you’re worried Obama is going to take away your gun rights, because clearly—no, I’m being told there’s no evidence for that either. Wow. Let’s go back to the bullshit about all higher education is liberal brain washing. I feel we’re on stronger ground there…and by stronger ground, I’m envisioning the lightening sand from the Fire Swamp.

For homework, please review the three dangers of the Fire Swamp and pay particular attention to the R.O.U.Ss, the Republicans Of Unusual Size. It might explain Newt’s head and solar system sized ego.

To bring this tangential point home, I have six years of higher education under my belt and never remember one liberal rant at a lecture. But those who have never set foot in a classroom are all convinced otherwise. And sorry Sean Hannity, but dumb should not be the new smart. That’s just fucking dumb.

I also believe the Right’s version of religion, namely fundamentalism, is not based on a deep metaphysical understanding of the cosmos, but of a collective arrested development (CAD). Check out my related article here. Yes, in almost every category I find these folks increasingly laughable. Yet they remain dead serious in their struggle to unthink their way to freedom and economic stability via a culture war of their own creation. Good luck with that.

The culture war can be summed up thusly: the people crying the loudest are actually more prone to impose their beliefs on others, than vice versa. For example, my decision to not own a dog will never affect you, but your decision may get me bitten, or keep me up all night, or force me to clean shit from my lawn. I don’t know where this analogy is going, but I feel similarly about Republicans. And I better not catch you shitting on my lawn again Limbaugh! I set up cameras!

What we do know is Fox News has an ongoing and very effective propaganda campaign that has convinced almost half the country of a whole laundry list of mistruths. That’s a fact…unlike the things you tend to cite in your articles, namely falsehoods. Our comedians, the real journalists today, have uncovered the internal memo machine over at Fox News here. The problem remains: half of the population already knows this and the other half supports it anyway.

I will continue to try to find any valid points or arguments from the Right. They must exist! They must! At this time, I would like to give a free pass to those few Ron-ulans out there (not to be confused with the Klingons). I think Ron Paul’s followers represent a distinctive third party mentality that should be nurtured and supported. They have figured out the Republican version of empire is certainly a large part of how we got here. Unfortunately, some of Ron Paul’s ilk remain enmeshed with the Tea Party, a faction of our society almost completely devoid of merit. Some are also prone to bouts of Foxeteerinism, a treatable condition, which can be countered by simply introducing a steady diet of facts into your normal daily news regiment. Let’s find real reasons to hate Obama, not make them up. I’m looking for them too and if you would just zip it long enough, I just might find some.

Ron Paul is a genuine and consistent candidate (as I have said for about a decade) and IF he’s being booted from the election illegally, which may well be true, then we no longer live in a Democracy. The Right should cover this story. It could be HUGE! I’ll just hold my breath on that one….

How about a wager? I think the Ron Paul being excluded from the Democratic race has more merit than nine out of ten of your “scandals”. There’s no info on it and no one is covering it. This is just a hunch, but my hunches have thus far proven much more accurate than your “facts”.

You see, Ron Paul getting the Democratic shaft may actually pan out, so it’s of no interest to a Foxeteer. To them real scandals are passé in their fairyland of unicorns and pixie dust. Oh wait, they hate fairies. Scratch that.

The Republican Party isn’t tearing itself apart; there’s nothing to tear apart. They’re a joke, hewn into the rock-solid-likeness of Sean JustSplicing-in-Some-Footage Hannity, through the tried and true Chisel of Misinformation.

Oh, and by the way, I wrote a scroller joke on this site the day the contraceptive scandal broke, basically saying: well, I haven’t really looked into this yet, but if Fox News is up in arms about it, it’s probably bullshit. Well, the evangelical overreach is backfiring right on cue and Obama actually got the resulting bump from female voters. Any other bullshit scandals, folks? Then maybe we can just skip the election entirely and just pull a Putin.

The GOP is only united in their hatred for Obama. I may or may not vote for Obama next round. I have wanted a truly third party to emerge for a long time. But I’ll tell you who I won’t vote for…a group who prefers a depression over a recession, an incompetent foreign policy over a competent one, and stupidity over brains. The GOP is a group feverishly defending the very policies that got us here. If that’s not enough, they want to embroil us in another war with Iran, regardless if there are other viable options remaining. Can you imagine what the world would look like or what our economy would look like after this next Clusterfuck to Freedom? Well, it will go smoother if Obama handles it. He tends to do these things cheaper and more effectively, you know, as translated by Fox News 0 for 2.

The Republicans don’t like chess, they want to play checkers. None of that thinking three moves ahead crap, that’s for those elite European socialist types. We have bombs, drop em’! Oh, and King Me, bitch! What?….they can only move diagonally? Shit.

Now shhhh. Let Obama think. Unlike your candidates, he still has that in his arsenal. Besides, your handy work in Iraq is still lingering in the air, like the flatulent turd ball that is the GOP.

For homework, please work flatulent turd ball into a complete sentence.

Discord Designates Cheney Enemy Combatant

Mick Zano

Washington, DC – Sometimes when you dismantle the rule of law and then give up the One Ring to another group, problems arise.  This is the case for former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Rooting for another attack against the homeland can easily find Cheney on the darkside of his own brand of politique. Our CIA director, Leon ‘Death Squad’ Panetta, feels that Dick Cheney wants to see another attack on the US, probably to assure that we stay sufficiently afraid, vigilant, and demented.

Panetta’s quote: “It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point.”

It is hard to take advantage of lawlessness, but, in this case, what the hell? Based on this flimsy evidence, but clearly enough proof under Bush Law, the Daily Discord has decided to charge Cheney’s own secret death squads to bring the aged douchebag into custody.  Since he can easily be deemed an enemy combatant at this point, he is no longer available for legal council.  He will be picked up on US soil in the middle of the night, detained without due process, and shipped to Syria for some good old fashioned torture.  He will then be sent back to Gitmo for some good old fashioned nuanced torture: walling, stress positions, forced nudity, cold confinement, and waterboarding.  Er…in his case the prison guards have requested we go a little easy on the forced nudity.

Who knew that dismantling the rule of law could be so much fun?

Cheney is not alone.  There remains a disturbing ideology in this country.  Many real Americans, the twenty percent still locked into the neo-conservative bubble of non-reality, have made the easy transition to enemies of the state.  And here they said it was me.  They coroneted a king (which I tried to say at the time was a bad idea) and now they want to succeed when the next king is not to their liking.  If they haven’t reached the height of stupidity, they’re certainly scratching at stupidity’s whiskers.  The neo-cocoon was much more comfortable with Bush. You know, when the Constitution and the economy were being obliterated?  Sure Obama is following Cheney’s lead.  Halliburton?  Wuss. Obama’s going to purchase the automotive industry outright and all of our banks to boot (even the two solvent ones).  You should be excited about this. Obama is showing some testicular fortitude, the kind of stuff that makes real Americans start singing the National Anthem. 

This neo-cocoon disconnect remains a viable obstacle.  Reason has no place in the discourse (kind of like the libertards).

During a recent discussion with the Crank, I said, “Remember when Ron Paul relayed to the Republican Convention the reasons why Al-Qaeda attacked us and he was booed?  I can’t believe Guiliani didn’t even know any of the reasons Al-Qaeda attacked on 9/11. After all, it was his city that was attacked.”

The Crank said, “I don’t give a shit; they murdered three thousand people. Who cares about anything else?” 

You know what happens when you don’t care, don’t know, and don’t do your homework?  YOU INVADE THE WRONG COUNTRY!  But thanks for summarizing the Bush mindset in one extraordinarily short-sighted sentence.

Anger is boiling over for many staunch conservatives and there rhetoric, like Cheney’s, is disturbing. If you really hate Obama and his version of expanded executive power, then be a real American.  If you are rooting against America then take your own advice from a few short months ago.  You remember, right? When the shoe was on the other foot? Email cheneydeathsquads.com and turn yourself in.  Or, drive to your local law enforcement agency and ask for a one way ticket to Gitmo.  We’ll keep Gitmo open long enough to waterboard your sorry ass, because, it’s the right thing to do.

Here are some predictions: as aforementioned, we are heading toward an incredibly difficult period for the United States, which, when it ends, a multi-polar system will emerge (not just one superpower).  We will be struggling for many years economically, and foreign policy is going to become increasingly sucky as everything comes to a head.  Unless, of course, the Mayans are right and we go back to the Stone Age.  Now if Obama legalizes pot, which he just might, we can go back to the Stoned Age, which sounds preferable.

Furthermore, Obama will do very well with Israel and Palestine.  He is a shrewd customer and wants to appear neutral. The fully-on-Israel’s side thing has really been fun, but it doesn’t work horribly well if you want to mediate something.  Obama will skillfully handle a lot of the difficulties to come.  We have moved from a checker player to a chess player.  Of course, Obama is starting with no queen or knights, and the last rook is up to its own turret in Chinese debt, but it still should be fun to watch (from a distance, say, Mars).  He will play our last hand well, but make no mistake, it is our last hand.  And, no, that is not his fault.  So don’t get too rapped up in the particulars.  It’s all down hill from here, folks, but look on the bright side.  (See next article for the bright side, I’m going to need some time on that front.)

POSITION DESIRED: ADVISOR TO THE INTEGRAL WARLORD

EDUCATION:

Faber College, PA. BA in Philosophy with a minor in Claymation Pornography.

Two time NCBA National Boxing Champion.

Studied T’ai Chi Ch’aun with Mantak Chia (not pet, just Chia).

Studied the ancient texts of Chang Li Ching, Yang Lu Chan, Lao Tze Lay, and I read Wilber’s A Brief History of Everything, twice (mostly sober).

EMPLOYMENT:

(1998-2008) worked with the most ruthless, aggressive, and volatile people in the world (other than Discord staff). I am best described as a social servant to the diagnose’m and medicate’m field of mental health. Enforced behavior plans in our public schools (mostly sober).

POET/GENIUS:

I’ve published a novel, and a controversial collection of limericks written on bar napkins. I’m a regular contributor to the Daily Discord where together we are sarcastically salving society.

CULTURAL FACILITATOR (ie. Town jackass):

I’ve developed a Barroom Constitution and written the compendium: Articles of Degeneration. I’ve been ejected from 21 bars, coffee shops, or diners (7 constitutionally viable and 14 unconstitutional). I’ve defended myself in 3 court hearings (won 2, lost 1). I’ve observed my brother defend himself in 10 court hearings (won 7, lost 3). I watched Judge Judy this week (in its entirety). I’ve studied the principles of logic and the logic of principles, and I challenge you to a game of chess (preferably naked).

Losing Pub Friends in the Starbuckarama

Mick Zano

I am worried about my friend, Dave. Unlike most of our fellow Discordians, Dave never made the successful transition from the bar scene to the coffee shops.  Dave never even made the ever important transition from the bars to the pubs either.  In fact, if memory serves, he never made the transition from junior high to high school, but that’s a different story (spelled GED, incidentally).

The problem is this: Dave favors those smoky dive bars to that of the jazzy rifts of brewpubs and coffee shops. Dave fears change.  For example, if he could grow hair it would remain in perpetual-mullet-form (PMF).  He never sported a mullet in his life, mind you, having never had enough hair for one, but the mullet, like his bow-legged swagger, is always implied.

So why am I so worried about my poor misguided friend and his coffee house naiveté?  Well, my liver doesn’t tolerate nearly as much alcohol these days, so gradually I’ve shifted to the hip coffee shop scene.  There, nestled amongst books and chess sets, I sip my deluxe mocha frappe crappas with those terminally artsy-fartsy types.  I have tried to wean Dave onto coffee and often encouraged him to dabble in this new cultural espressorama.  Recently I told him, “hey, let’s meet at the Coffee Tea Room and then hit the pub.”  Notice I said pub rather than saloon or bar.  I’m trying to start small with Dave—to match his vocabulary.  Just before he arrived, I had just conveniently ordered the house special, the Plenty Venti Bucket of Espresso.

His eyes darted about the room as he begrudgingly took a seat.  Through a sheen of social anxietous sweat, he asked: “Where’s the pool table?” and then “where’s the dartboard?” and then to the horror of my female friends, “where’s the stripper poles?”

There are places that do offer coffee and beer, and if we both moved to an area that accommodated such an establishment, perhaps it would help Dave make this difficult transition.  Such milestones are not without precedent.  I am forever grateful to the establishment Sudds and Dudds, which single handedly catapulted Dave’s hygiene problem into the realm of the nearly tolerable.  But in this case, I don’t think he wants to change.   Dave will never move beyond the pipe-dripping, slanted pool table, southern rock spinning joints.

Now if Dave ever chose to pit a Belgian triple or some other well-crafted ale up against my favorite beanage, we’d have a debate, but this is clearly not the case.   Dave will forever haunt establishments that ‘Proudly Serve Blatz!’  Indeed they will actually have coasters in such places with, ‘We Proudly Serve Blatz!’ emblazed upon them—always with the exclamation point—because even the makers of Blatz (not to mention Blatz light) need reinforcing slogans such as: We Proudly Serve Blatz! or Blatz…Nearly As Good As Old Style.  One wonders how else anyone could get through a day at the Blatz factory without such Milwaukeean malt mantras.

But I digress.  Back to Dave.  For years Dave’s favorite beer was a distant cousin to Blatz, Genesee Beer, brewed in upstate New York in the heart of the Geneseo Valley, while no one was looking (or apparently brewing either).  “A cold Gennie was better than sex,” he’d say.  His girlfriends throughout college typically agreed with this statement.

I am through with Blatz, Milwaukee’s Best, Old Style, Old Milwaukee, or anything from new-waukee, for that matter.  I would rather just add a shot of espresso to something dark and daunting.  Sumatra roasts are pure heaven.  Perhaps I can get Dave into Sumatra stouts—the hybrid—and then lure him over to the dark roast side.  Luke, I am your venti.

I know it’s hopeless.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it stop drinking.  I go into dive bars for the same reason that Dr. Sterling Hogbein travels to remote villages of the world…to study our distant selves.  I don’t want to go back and do it all over, not for Eddie amount of Money.  Truth be told, I couldn’t spend one solitary night in my old coveted college party house, not one.

I will miss Dave and his mulletless antics.  Perhaps I’ll go see him some day, at Frankie’s Place or Timmo’s Tavern, while he’s talking up the glory days with a bunch of grey haired, fatty-livered miscreants.  For me it’s Seattle’s Best, Starbuck’s finest, and mom and pop java joints from here on out.

All right, fine. I’ll meet you at Timmo’s Place for the game, but then let’s get a cup a joe.  Oh, and it’s time to hit Sudds and Dudds again mildew man.