Study finds nine out of ten elephant-artists actually just huffing

by Mick Zano • April 29, 2009

by Mick Zano • April 28, 2009

London, ENG – The UK hosted a secret meeting of World leaders to discuss the possible designs of a new world currency. The most controversial finalist, depicted above, may well be our world leaders attempt at stoking the fires of conspiracy theorists everywhere.

President Obama said, “There are elements from U.S. currency in each of the finalists, which makes selling parts of our sovereignty on the World E-Bay more than worth it.”

Obama admitted that if implemented tomorrow, U.S. currency would be trading on par with the Somali Dirt Clod, currently worth its weight in mud, gravel, and small bits of dried vegetation, but Obama is urging Americans “not to worry.” Business-savvy Americans are believed to have already invested everything in internationally recognized commodities, “so they should be just fine.” Mr. Obama denied allegations that the Pharmaceutical Company Eli Lilly, makers of antipsychotic medication, catered the top secret summit luncheon in question.

“Sometimes a free lunch is just a free lunch,” assured Obama. “Oh, and the government is monitoring all of your thoughts, so ask your doctor if Zyprexa is right for you.”

by Pokey McDooris • April 27, 2009

We long for a mathematical certainty of political allegiance leading to higher levels of human life and culture. Right now in the political world, there is only one thing certain: our system is overrun with corruption, deception, insanity, stupidity, and, of course, shit goblins. What is Enlightenment? Issue 38 states that we can indeed unite and evolve to a new stage of culture. Thank goodness, because Issue 37 said we were all fucked. There is still hope for a real authentic social movement that includes and transcends all of the problems of the postmodern pluralistic worldview and its shadow side, aka, countercultural relativistic fatalism (CRF).

All stages of human consciousness correlate with one, or many historical worldviews. A worldview is an inner structure of consciousness that is shared by many individuals. Each person’s cultural worldview has been generated by a particular politics of a thriving, or in our case, once thriving, social and economic structure. An integral politics realizes and integrates all foundational stages of consciousness while transcending into a higher stage altogether.

Tribal communities bind together with blood relatives and neighboring families. Although useful for cooperation and survival, the tribal consciousness tends to fear, demonize, threaten, imprison, convert, or kill anyone refusing to conform to the code and rituals of the community. This level of consciousness generates a magical thinking that expresses itself as very young children, indigenous people, and many fundamentalist religions. The strongest competing tribal communities develop military might that leads to warlord states that have the power to exert their will against the hodgepodge of tribal whims. Warrior consciousness learns to bully and threaten their interests into political relevance. The warrior societies assert the individualism found in the terrible two-year olds, most notable examples: Incas, Vikings, pirates, and the Cleveland Indians.

Traditional Kingdoms grow to establish nationalist values, chivalrous codes, etiquette, and religious values. These Kingdoms establish laws and borders that are enforced by state sponsored police and military. King Arthur, The English Empire, and the Catholic Church have expressed this level of consciousness. In recent years, Pat Buchanan and Michael Savage have championed the reestablishment of traditional consciousness in America.

The Enlightenment of the Modern Nation State inspired democratic capitalism based on rational thinking displayed by myself and a few of my fellow Discordians. These Modern Societies brought us constitutional law, individual liberties, and expanded public education. Post-Modern Societies broaden pluralistic awareness of the inherent, often overlooked, rights of others. The Post-Modern Consciousness of the Baby Boomer Generation brings an increased sensitivity to the disenfranchised of our society: civil rights for minorities, women’s rights, gay rights, empathy for our enemies, animal rights, environmental rights, and even power to the sociopathic shit goblins. Ralph Nadar and Dennis Kucinich eloquently express the policies of post-modernism. They champion social justice, challenge corporate corruption, protect the environment, as well as encourage alternative energies, health, and lifestyles. But, please, don’t feed the shit goblins after midnight.

The problem with each stage of political consciousness is its tendency to demonize and attack the other stages. This destroys the necessary integration required to sustain continued evolution. The success of the Modern Consciousness depended upon the hard rock might of Traditional Consciousness that protected the vanguard from the warlord bullies and tribal mobs. If we progressive ‘intellectuals’ continue using our minds to devise shrewd plans for the deconstruction of American values, then tribal consciousness will flourish and overtake our freedom of thought, speech and actions (enters things like Sharia Law; good luck with that). Mick Zano refers to this group as ‘the bake brownies for Al-Qaeda’ folks. The Crank refers to them as ASSHOLE LIBERTARDS! The Crank should consider switching to decaf.

We must integrate the truths for each of these valid stages of development before we can fully evolve into a higher stage. We must respect the conclusions of sincere rational inquiry and follow its conclusions wherever they lead. We must honor the plurality and degree of validity of others’ perspectives even if those others wish to chop our heads off or arrest us for naked bungee jumping with a minor. That’s still legal, right?

Will you come back to my cliff, bouncy, bouncy?

The most challenging aspect of the integral politician is to fully embrace the communal and traditional values of the culture and society before expanding into a unified internationalism, aka, evolve before you leap.

Many Post-Modern Progressives overlook the insights of history, the heritage of constitutional law, and the tools of logic. If we Progressives really wish to continue evolving then we can’t keep attacking and deconstructing the necessary foundational stages of consciousness. The residue of unresolved traditional values slithers through our nation’s psyche and threatens to corrode the very fabric of our union.

That’s my job!

Those politically on the right tend to ignore the core truths of transcendence. The mind is not limited to the brain. Human nature is not limited by its history. The possibilities of the future are infinite and as our consciousness transforms. So, too, does the surrounding world transform. They also tend to borrow from lower perspectives and demonize anything unfamiliar. Don’t knock naked bungee jumping until you’ve tried it.

Those on the left tend to ignore the core truths of nationalism. If the country is not rooted in its history and heritage it will collapse, just as the molecule which fails to embrace the atom will collapse.

Now we must join all of these valid truths while modifying the inconsistencies, transcending into a higher ‘integral’ perspective. Pat Buchanan and Michael Savage are correct: 1.) our country cannot survive without clear definable borders and the will and ability to enforce them, and 2.) there is a real problem with certain Islamic sects who assert their will to kill or assimilate anybody beyond the terrible twos. But the traditionalists must be careful not to act out of anger and humiliate the radical Islamists or we will make the problem worse not better. Humiliation is the emotion that sparked this radical machismo, woman-squelching, bomb-dropping, suicide-wishing mentality in the first place. Let’s not intentionally stir up the hornets nest without a clear exit strategy.

Kucinich is right; the Bush administration has compromised our country’s integrity, and alienated and misdirected our resources from our most pressing problems, but let’s not throw out the Buchanian baby with the Bushian bathwater. Yes, Buchanan sounds like your crazy old uncle, but we must recognize and root with our country’s foundation before we can evolve to a world where there is no war, hunger, or Sean Hannity. And let’s not forget, Hillary Clinton is right about, well, I’ll get back to you.

We must transcend the left and the right by recognizing the validity at each stage and all perspectives, well, except, of course, for the shit goblins, who MUST DIE!

by Mick Zano • April 25, 2009

Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause. In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25^th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!” Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!” Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine. At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited. Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!” OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25^th he added the exclamation point – for the cause. Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated).

“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 24, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard through the grapevine you were in a fire of some sort? Are you OK?

Stanley Milton

Harrisburg, PA

Dear Stanley,

No big deal. I made a slight alchemical miscalculation and my crystal yoga lab exploded. Luckily, I was wearing my girlfriend at the time.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Sarah Angelfire • April 23, 2009

Having been a former Arizona resident myself, I can relate. Of my two Sedonian roommates, one was actually a Shaman with a slightly altered sense of right and wrong. If it served her, it was right, otherwise it was wrong. The other was a self-professed meth and sex addicted, Puerto Rican raised, Pakistani who would not leave the house on his three-wheeled basket adorned bike without his aluminum foil lined baseball cap (and rarely took it off). The Shaman could eerily comment out loud what you were thinking the terrorist wannabe diligently worked on his fiery end-times manifesto, all the time confident in his role in facilitating the aforementioned end-times in the name of God. Isn’t that a U2 song?

And you wonder why I came back home so soon, Zano?!

My roommates, along with the Shaman’s friends, regaled me with stories of the reptilians that lived in Cornville, just outside of Sedona. These strange visitors are apparently into aggressive doggy-style sex with humans (or is it lizard-style?). Meanwhile, the greys of X-Files fame, because you know there are just so many different species, had somehow evolved so much out of their heart center that they were no longer able to ascend (an evolutionary leap into a higher vibrating reality/walking into heaven kind of thing). And, since Earth’s mankind is on the brink of this ascension, they had to mix with humans to assure the survival of their species, hence the abductions, testing, missing babies from pregnant ladies, the cattle mutilation, crop circles, and late night talk show hosts. Don’t believe me? Take a real close look at Conan O’Brien some time.

And ascend we must for if we don’t that other race of aliens, you know, the ones that really control our world, control the Illuminati, the Masons and, most importantly, the Shit Goblins, will win, keeping humankind, the greys and the combinations thereof in this reincarnative treadmill, working through all their karma for them so they can stay comfy in their happy, happy, joy, joy ascension place. Yes, apparently elitism exists even in outer space.

And back here on Earth, don’t forget about the chem trails (not the ones leading to and from my meth freak roommate’s door). Chem trails are where the government grids the airspace above small towns with some sort of chemical spray so the physical reactions to the chemical by the humans below can be easily tracked by the one hospital in town, or the destruction of “seeds of life” plants. Think about it, were THAT many people really THAT annoyed with the amount of seeds in oranges, watermelons and such that we just HAD to look for a seedless alternative? And many of the seeds that are still around produce only one crop of fruit or none at all, so now we can’t plant our own food and sustain ourselves? Are you shitgoblining me? I’m ready to join you at that pub right about now, Mick.

It’s hard to wade through the piles of paranoia, but here’s what I do know: with regards to sustaining ourselves in the potentially soup kitchen ridden, canned food stocked bunker future, it’s best to take more interest in locally produced foods and products. Not only does it help the local economy, but you get on a first name basis with the people who already know how and have the means to sustain themselves and are in a position to trade with those who need sustaining in case everything does hit the aluminum baseball cap. Eating locally raised foods is also healthier for you, thereby boosting your immune system providing more protection against chem trails, lizard people, and Shit Goblins.

Other New Agey concepts in an organic nutshell: with regards to ascension, you can refer to your local quantum physicists for guidance. Fear, anger, etc. are lower vibrating emotions and laughter, joy, and love are the highest vibrating emotions. The more you spend time in the higher vibrating emotion realms, the more your consciousness gets used to being there and adapts, making the other, all too popular emotions, less comfortable states. Second, you create your own reality. Essentially, what you focus on is going to eventually manifest in your life, especially if there is a strong emotional charge and action behind it, good or bad. And third, anything that pisses you off about someone else is really a reflection of what pisses you off about yourself. Hard pill to swallow, I know, but if you spend some time with it, you might find yourself having to swallow a lot less pills.

In summary, there’s enough paranoid, fear-mongering conspiratorial do dah out there get even the Shit Goblins stocking up on aluminum foil but at least there’s hope. You can always Put on Your Boots and relax under the Joshua Tree on a day when the skies are clear (or some other U2 reference to tie it all together.)

by Pierce Winslow • April 22, 2009

How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

by Mick Zano • April 21, 2009

Taos, NM – Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, admits his recent version of The Bhagavad Gita contained one all important mistranslation. Typically the Vedic words Tat tvam asi mean “thou art that.” Dr. Hogbein, admittedly inebriated at the time, inserted an erroneous word creating the phrase “Tat tvam paikhana,” which roughly translates as: “Thou Art Loose Stool.”

Dr. Hogbein further complicated his mistake by repeatedly referring to Brahman, the godhead of Hindu mythology, as the great ‘paikhana-head.’ This blasphemy set off a veritable paikhana storm across parts of the already bitchy Indus Valley region.

One reader warned that any further affronts to Krishna and the “paikhana would really hit the palm frond.”

Hogbein defended his actions by adding “paikhana happens,” and then mooned the press to punctuate his point.

The aged archeologist has cancelled his upcoming conference in Paikhanastan for obvious reasons.

by Mick Zano • April 20, 2009

My movement shall begin humbly enough, but like that moth that beats its wings in China, it will eventually cause a tsunami of public discontent…you know, like in college. It all began outside of Maloney’s Irish Pub, just before happy hour, when the appetizers are half-priced, the way God intended. I was thinking about my disgust for Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann and, yes, my growing disdain for the Zamboni Gypsies. OK, OK, I was a little early for happy hour. Some people hit the bathroom for the interim, while others decide to change the very course of history. So I walked outside to protest something. This time I wasn’t protesting Maloney’s dollar off all domestic beer policy (they don’t count microbrews, which are domestic, but apparently not domestic enough). I understand the implications…real Americans don’t drink microbrews. It’s a metaphor for the way I feel. Sure I’m brewed a little better and have great taste, but the real Americans next to me are drinking Lite beer from Miller and talking about jerky. Ahhh, real Americans. This time, I was there to protest the media and to protest all protests. Just as long as I was back in my bar stool in about twenty minutes.

The media started down the dark side when Rupert Murdoch over at Fox said, there’s a liberal media bias, so I will single handedly balance things out, because balance is good, right? Pre-Fox you had to think about who was or was not liberal. They were journalists back then (some liberal bias from a level of consciousness perspective is unavoidable). The reality remains, most educated people are going to have some liberal tendencies (but don’t worry, they have a cream for that now). In recent years, MSNBC has decided to be Fox on the left to, you know, single handedly balance out Fox, and the result is the abysmal failure of cable news. Bread and circuses, Nero fiddling, fat lady’s singing, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

Bush wanted to sink to Al Qaeda’s level, MSNBC wanted to sink to Fox’s level, whatever happened to upward mobility, people?

We’ve reached a point in American history where the best news comes from Maher, Stewart and Colbert. If journalism is topped by standup comedians, it’s time to go to plan B peeps, which for most involves APEX Technical School. I could have had my tool box, like ten times by now.

Karl Rove polarized this country in 2004 for political gains, but even he never grasped the full implications of his propensity for evil. Meanwhile, Glenn Beck sobs on about The 9/12 project, and, a somewhat scary admission, I understand his sentiment. On 9/12 we were united. I predicted, back then, that 9/12 would be the last time we ever really find ourselves all on the same page. When Bush’s ‘leadership’ skills became apparent, I knew we would fragment like a glass Chia Pet dropped from the top of Rush Limbaugh’s ego. I think a second major terrorist attack would result in Marshall Law and further fragmentation, like ahhh, ahhhh…just read the Chia Pet reference again. This might not happen, but only because Al Qaeda is saying, “Sheeeet man, they’re imploding faster than those towers we knocked down.” Sorry. In my limited accent world, Al Qaeda is filled with evil Rastafarians. I also predicted the crowning of King Obama and how, sadly, it would be a short lived feel good moment, quite possibly the last for a long, long time.

Oh, you’re just a pessimist Zano.

Well hypothetical devil’s advocate person, I am only pessimistic about the nation’s future; I’m personally doing fine with zero stress, zero money in the bank, and zero expectations for our country’s future. I am in an almost zen-like state of detachment, although admittedly it could be caffeine high; the espresso roasts out here are unbelievable!

My only rants come in the form of Discord articles where I wrestle with the remnants of my shadow self and, of course, quell my urge to strangle young women. I am modeling my life, loosely, off of Pokey McDooris, who, when civilization finally collapses, someone is going to have to find and explain this fact to him. I predict on the big day of our collective demise, Pokey may or may not shrug and will probably go drinking. Likewise, I have enough interests to keep me busy, regardless of the fate of nations. I am prepared to even drink domestic beer and, if need be, jerky some woodland creatures for sustenance. But that does not mean that I have ever rooted against the U.S. as many Foxers would attest, for they would call anyone anti-American who doesn’t buy into their abysmally low version of group stink.

The media has tanked and what is the solution, you ask? I think blogs may have their place in our future. I really respect a few blogger’s opinions and turn to them for solace in the world of otherwise ideologically driven newspapers and cable new shows. I think a Discord Nation has a place in the future. I nominate Dave and Pokey to lead our new movement. The day of his inauguration, Pokey may or may not shrug and will probably go drinking.

The Texas Governor is talking about secession…now? I don’t have a problem with that…. People from Texas should be sobbing in shame for a decade or two, but no, they would rather start bitching the loudest. Waaaa, the county sucks, waaaa. It’s your fault, so shut up and sit down.

Meanwhile, MSNBC is making fun of the Tea Partiers, making fun of them! They are calling them teabaggers, which my meth-snorting male prostitute tells me is needlessly suggestive. During the Bush fears, Keith Olbermann pointed out that if Habeas Corpus is permanently suspended, it’s time to storm the Bastille, but now, now that a Dem is in power, everything is immediately hunky friggin’ dory? Obama hasn’t restored anything! Which, er, I predicted. I did hope Obama had some integral traits, but I knew some of it was just wishful thinking, and I never thought he would fix our economy.

And now a Special Comment for Mr. Olbermann:

Sir, you have pointed out, and rightly so, that the government is a farce, and now we’re supposed to believe everything is fixed because your guy is in power? The constitution is still listing to port, sir. Obama is proposing the biggest bailouts in history, he’s raising our taxes, and he can’t appoint anyone to his cabinet who even pays their own taxes. How dare you make fun of people savvy enough to realize our government is a joke, regardless of the current brand in office?

Not to be outdone, Fox News is whipping the Tea People into a frenzy. They are actually trying to lead the movement by saying, “We made this.” How dare you assholes highjack what was initially a legitimate libertarian cause. These people hatched under Bush’s tyrannical reign while you idiots were still cheering him on. They have less to do with you than the Obama peeps, morons. Have some self dignity and apologies for your part in our demise and start working toward that tool box thing.

How do we fix the media, you ask? Some say, shut them down, unplug Fox News, or, on the other side of the aisle, how about that Fairness Doctrine?

Hint: all legislation since W. is named to hide the truth. Examples: Coalition of the Willing (Coerced), Patriot Act (Unpatriotic) and Fairness Doctrine (not fair). No, we must remember our first amendment rights. The right to clasp your hands tightly around their struggling young thro….sorry, miles away. No. The only way to win is to stop watching. I am taking my 42 inch Phillips flat screen and hurling it down onto the angry mob below. We need to shut them all off and find alternative news sources, like the Daily Discord. OK, maybe not that alternative. Here is today’s viewer stats, courtesy of the Drudge report:

Fox NEWS O'REILLY 3,897,000

Fox NEWS HANNITY 3,138,000

Fox NEWS GRETA 2,639,000

Fox NEWS BECK 2,233,000

Fox NEWS SHEP 1,979,000

Fox NEWS BAIER 1,866,000

CNN COOPER 1,277,000

CNN KING 1,260,000

MSNBC OLBERMANN 1,229,000

CNNHN GRACE 1,172,000

MSNBC MADDOW 1,052,000

Kind of daunting, isn’t it? I want these numbers to be zero. Well, one…I have to watch sometimes…you know, for negative inspiration. Come on…it’s a legitimate request. Do as I say, not as I view.

Some people see ideology, I see colors. Where are the integral voices? We need some guidance more than ever. When is Wilber’s Integral Politics book coming out? And who is going to explain it to me? Ken will stay out of the actual debate, because he’s so far above this shit if he dropped a glass Chia Pet it would take three days and nights before it hit the top Rush Limbaugh’s ego.

During my short and silent protest, I saw a Dodge Caravan with a bumper sticker that read, “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.” It had a picture of Bob Marley on one side and a big fat doobie on the other. Serious synchronicity! And, I thought to myself that’s IT That is it in a nutshell…I could really go for a big fat doobie right about now. Or is this just more subliminal messages from the evil Rastafarians?

I am starting my own protest of one. I am protesting against all of you. I know I should be trying to Sarcastically Salve Society, but let me have my Crank moment. All right, in the spirit of community I will only have one short questionnaire before you can join the Zano Youth Movement (ZYM).

Do you think Bush and Cheney did a great job?

Do you believe Obama’s bailouts will work?

Do you believe the media is doing a good job?

If you answered a resounding ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you’re in the wrong movement, folks.

I am making my stand alone, now, today, once more outside of Maloney’s Irish Pub with a sign that reads: Microbrews ARE Domestic Beers! Bitches.

So who’s with me for this alone stance revolution thingie? Twenty minutes is up…time for those half-priced Quesadillas.

by Mick Zano • April 18, 2009

Traffic’s Low Spark of High Heeled Boys (where to even begin…)
Van Halen’s Jump (Jump the shark is more like it.)
Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me (This coming from a pack of rock-god-posers who couldn’t even kill off their drummer properly.)
REO Speedwagon’s Keep on Loving You (This diddy, along with every Phil Collins song, ruined the eighties for me.)
38 Special’s Wild-Eyed Southern Boy (Does anyone hear Dueling Banjos?)
ZZ-top’s Rough Boys (Oh, Dusty, and I thought you were so rugged!)
Warrant’s Cherry Pie (Voted best song on the compellation mix: Those Lame-Ass Nineties)
The Beatles’ Roll Over Beethoven (wrong on so many levels)
James’ Laid (This one time in band camp…)
Sponge Bob and Plankton’s The Fun Song (on a related note: Squidward needs to stop living a lie.)

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 17, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read somewhere that people can smoke dung? What’s this all about?

Sincerely,

Jack Tibolla

South Bend, Indiana

Dear Carl,

At times I have not had shit to smoke—beyond that it is sensationalism.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Pierce Winslow • April 16, 2009

I am floored at how this country touts its “freedom of religion” and how it claims to separate church and state. The truth is, these days you really only have freedom of religion if you are a member of one of several main-stream Christian religions, or to a lesser extent Judaism. And then the only reason that you have such freedom of religion is because you already agree with the laws in play. If you are a devotee of, oh lets say Voodoo, you are screwed, Dude. This article is going to sound a lot like the Crank Manifesto, but this shit is really PISSING ME OFF!

Don Your Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses Now

People seem to think that this country should favor Christians simply because it was founded by Christians. I’m sick of hearing “well, this country was founded by Christians so get out if you don’t like it.” Let us start here. Um, that is a LOAD OF SHIT! In fact there are many quotes from Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, John Adams, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison and others that indicate that they were not only not Christians, but they thought that organized religion in general was a bad idea (except, of course, for Voodoo). The founding fathers chose to loosely follow Christian doctrine when implementing American law because they believed that the Christian code of conduct reflected a certain degree of morality, and that that is necessary to prevent moral chaos. There is nothing promoting God, the Virgin Mother (yeah, right), or Jesus Christ any more than Allah, Buddha, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Voodoo Vikings. With that argument trashed, the founding fathers wrote down their intentions. They wrote what they meant and meant what they wrote. In fact, just to prevent us from making the stupid assumptions and judiciary decisions we are making these days they wrote “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people“. In other words, just because we didn’t specifically grant it doesn’t mean it isn’t granted. In fact, it seems to me that the overall mood here was to grant what is not specifically denied.

Keep in mind, also, that at the time of the writing of the Constitution most of the colonists had bailed Europe, endured months of nausea, vomiting, starvation, disease, sobriety and sometimes death crammed into tiny little vessels just to get away from persecution of one form or another, generally religious. It is ridiculous to believe that those that wrote “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” would intend to quash those peoples’ rights once they got here because they checked the wrong box under the heading of “Religion”.

With those things said, let us examine some of the major decisions being tossed around these days.

Gay Marriage

The last time I looked marriage was a religious construct. It is generally presided over by a holy man of some sort, right? It generally takes place in a church right? “What God has created here let no man put asunder”? That all says religion to me. So, since we supposedly have a separation of church and state what the hell is our government doing legislating marriage at all? There are those that say gay marriage corrupts the sanctity of marriage. Marriage? Sanctity? What sanctity? 50% of marriages fail. The same number have one spouse or the other cheating. Not to mention the fact that the Church didn’t even sanctify marriage until they discovered that they couldn’t stop it. Marriage was created by St. Paul to essentially pre-forgive the losers that could not resist the temptations of the flesh. The Christian elite, members of the Cult of Virginity, were the true Christians. Eventually they figured out that no one could, or would resist sex so the church just gave in and said “OK, you can screw, but just with her” (notice how no one has even heard of the Cult of Virginity any more?). We see how well that is working out. Churches can’t even agree on whether their holy people can marry or whether anyone can get unmarried. How can the government step in and make any decisions regarding marriage and still remain impartial? If homosexuals want to clamp on a ball and chain (as opposed to clamping a chain on a ball, ouch) who the hell cares? If you think it’s gross don’t go to the wedding. If you think it’s so wrong stop going to truck stop bathrooms and reaching your foot into the next stall.

Abortion

The religious zealot is willing to blow up a clinic and kill 20 people to prevent the abortion of a single fetus. Instead of getting a job and living their life, they take donations to park their fat asses outside of clinics waving signs, chanting slogans and blocking traffic so they can harass, intimidate and pour guilt upon already scared and desperate people. How Christian of them. Whatever happened to “walk a mile in someone’s shoes” and all of that holier than thou shit? Never mind that some of these mothers will likely die in childbirth taking their unborn children with them (assuming they get that far). Never mind that some of the mothers and/or fathers are not capable of raising a child. Never mind that some of these fetuses have major genetic or other birth defects that would make birth essentially a life sentence of cruel and unusual punishment (which used to be unconstitutional until W came along). I personally am not in favor of abortion, in my own life. I also acknowledge that I do not have the right to make that decision for other people. Sure, most Christian churches say that this is a sin at least or an abomination at worst (what’s the difference really? You’re still going on to burn in eternal hell-fire), but other religions have no position on the topic (Church of the Overhead Projector?) and thereby imposing whichever Christian regulations on me is a violation of my rights. Sit down and shut up.

Embryonic Stem Cell Research

Again, who the hell elected the Religious Right to determine what I feel is legitimate research? This is research that has great promise to cure a multitude of diseases. What about the Embryo? Well, what about the millions suffering from what will almost certainly be curable diseases? These religious freaks have no problem slaughtering a pig for their Easter dinner, or a turkey for their Thanksgiving dinner, or a mutilating a decent grape to make their sacramental wine (have you tasted that shit? Ecch. Jesus did not turn water into Mogan David now did he?) We don’t even have to kill the fetus. In fact, it’s much more productive to keep it around. Here we go, remove the would-be aborted fetuses and keep them in a Petri dish harvesting the occasional stem cell for research. That way no one dies, we won’t be faced with cloning humans to satisfy research needs, and we may be able to cure some diseases to further complicate the world population problem. That has no religious implications, or does it…

Save the Children

Remember, save the children even if there are way too many people living in a region to support them. Send them food and send them schools, but don’t teach them to use birth control or supply condoms so they will get HIV or get pregnant over and over, the way God intended. Then, because there are no abortions allowed, force them to have the children that they cannot support (and the very land upon which they live cannot support) and to whom they will likely pass on HIV. This will only serve to perpetuate, nay, expand the problem. But don’t worry, global warming will provide ample water and vegetation in a few short decades.

*whew* Breathe Pierce, breathe. Anyway, that’s their country and this is ours. Look what a religious government has done for the Kurds, Sunnis, Shiites, and, of course, the Taliban? Unless you want that shit right here at home keep those bible (or Koran, or Torah, or Book of the Dead) beating, fundamentalist bastards out of my government, dammit.

by Mick Zano • April 15, 2009

Just the Way Our Forefathers Envisioned

by Mick Zano • April 14, 2009

Philadelphia, PA — CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow announced his intentions today to retrieve all of the pencil sets that looked like pens distributed at this past year’s Christmas party. The gifts were allegedly purchased with recently acquired stimulus funds.

“If my staff is going to bitch about everything,” said Winslow, “then they can type their articles with their own damn pencils.”

Mr. Winslow is said to be displaying increasingly bizarre behaviors. He reportedly made rooster sounds in the middle of the interview and began hurling handfuls of the Discord’s office supplies from the agencies’ third-floor business suite onto some surprised motorists below.

“This is a sad day for the Discord,” admits the ezines’ Chief Vegas Correspondent, Bald Tony. “And by sad, I mean typical.”

When asked if he would be honoring the mandate to return the item, Tony replied, “From my cold, dead…sure whatever.”

by Bald Tony • April 13, 2009

En-route to Area 51, Bald Tony takes the
time to lead Frodo and Samwise toward Mordor

One hundred and fifty miles northwest of Las Vegas, amidst the barren wasteland of Central Nevada, sits one of the most controversial areas in our country (besides Michael Vick’s Animal Shelter). I’m talking, of course, about Rachel, Nevada, a one mailbox town so devoid of life it didn’t even appear on my GPS (and it really only has one mailbox, which also did not appear on my GPS). The nearest real town to Rachel is sixty miles to the south. There is no cell phone service and no gas station in or around Rachel. The town motto is ‘Don’t Run Out of Gas in Rachel.’ They’re not kidding. To accentuate that point, there is a sign next to the town motto that says, ‘We’re Not Kidding!’

In order to get to Rachel, Frank from CA, Greg from MD, and the Great Bald One himself trekked along the Extra Terrestrial Highway (speed limit warp 3). It’s really named that. Along with legalized gambling and prostitution, the state of Nevada apparently has a sense of humor. It is so desolate on State Route 375 (ET Hwy), we drove 45 minutes without seeing another vehicle (at least on the ground). The skies above were littered with strange discs, saucers, and mallowmar shaped spacecrafts (damn shame we never looked up). In the middle of town sits a tow truck towing a UFO. This oddity is the stuff of legend, or, as the Rachelinians like to call it, bullshit.

Having been abducted one too many times,
Cleetus the tow truck driver plots his revenge

The only commercial building in Rachel is the A’Le’Inn, where I and my weary traveling companion feasted on the house special, the Alien Burger, with secret Alien sauce (possibly Heinz 51). It was the best burger for miles…speaking of gas. The A’Le’Inn has one television, forever tuned to the Sci-fi channel. While waiting for the replicator to prepare our Borg-ers, we scoured the adjacent gift shop, and perused the memorabilia-filled walls covered with newspaper clippings and interesting photographs of Men in Black, stealth fighters, and other military spooks. Similar to other alien close encounters, we seemed to have lost several hours at the A’Le’Inn—after we consumed a few too many Martian Mojitos. The anal probes arrived courtesy of Cleetus the tow truck driver and his rocketeering roofies. OK, that never happened. We hope. After the grub and grog our intrepid explorers meandered, Mojito meandered, towards the elusive Area 51.

As most of you know, Area 51 is located literally in the middle of nowhere. But, until you drive out there in the dead of night, it’s really tough to appreciate just how smack dab in the middle of nowhere this place is. From the A’Le’Inn it was 25 minutes of twists and turns on gravel and dirt roads with no signage to speak of. It was so dark, at one point we decided to turn off all the car lights, and we could not see our hand in front of our face. Of course, I never lifted mine, where’s the fun in that? I took Frank and Greg’s word for it. As we rounded a small bend our headlights lit up two Men in Black. They were in a dark SUV parked at the top of the nearest rise. The SUV may not have been black (it was possibly grey) and the men may have only been in denim, but it was a dark, menacing denim. The men spied at us warily as we spied at them warily in some sort of warily staring stare off. A laser fight ensued…well, in the LucasFilm version of this article anyway.

At the gate we took many pictures of the signs and places that clearly warned about any such photography. Try as we might, we could not find one sign that read: permission to use deadly force. We waved causally at the Men in Dark Denim (click, click). They ignored the pleasant gesture. We did not see any UFOs on our journey, but we did see the strangest small red lights swerving around our chests every time the Men in Denim were about.

One more warning and this pic would never have been taken

Just as the realization hit this old gate was about all she wrote, nature called. One too many Martian Mojitos, I suppose. As soon as the sound of unzipping commenced, my friend called over in a hushed whisper, “Hold it. At least until we’re out of sight of those MIBs.” The thought of men with night vision goggles and high powered rifles allowed me to contain the contents of my bladder for a few more miles (until a suitable bush could be found).

The funny thing is; we were never really anywhere near Area 51. The actual base is 12 miles from the barbed wire gates. One thing is for sure, this place is more guarded than Bernie Madoff’s ATM card. If we couldn’t get in with our combined expertise, no one can. After slowly and carefully finding our way back to a paved road, we headed back to Sin City, with just enough gas to breakout of the grasp of that gasless desert trap, Rachel, Nevada.

Word to the wise: stay away from the secret alien sauce…and Cleetus and his rocketeering roofies, of course.

by Mick Zano • April 12, 2009

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the “gimme gimme’s”, the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He’s trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”

by Mick Zano • April 11, 2009

Philadelphia, PA – During these trying economic times, Chief Executive Officer Pierce Winslow is trying to do everything possible to save the Daily Discord as well as avoid further staff layoffs.

“We have a great staff,” stated Winslow, “just as long as they stay in separate states and lay off the hooch.” Mr. Winslow reflected for a moment, “All right, they suck, but they’re all we got.”

After Mr. Winslow announced his intention to nix the crossword puzzle, a staffer pointed out the Daily Discord does not have a crossword puzzle. Mr. Winslow became enraged. He tipped over the water cooler, declared war on Canada, and shouted something about the Zamboni Gypsies. After Mr. Winslow collected himself, he resolved to correct this oversight by starting a weekly crossword puzzle before implementing his initial plan to discontinue it.

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 10, 2009

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

While searching for deeper shamanic states, I seem to only experience manic depressive states. I hear voices and see shadows during the height of these manic phases. Am I getting close?

Nancy O’Leary

Erie, PA

Dear Nancy,

Getting close? Getting Clozaril is more like it. Look, try harnessing your manic phases by pushing your creativity into higher vibrational frequencies, and then ask your doctor if an inpatient psych stay is right for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

by The Crank • April 9, 2009

Did the people of California actually vote for Pelosi and Feinstein? God, I hope our democracy is just hopelessly broken. Someone rigged the election, yeah, that’s it. A good old fashioned election rigging would restore my faith in the…ahhh, broken system.

I make a motion we have all Pelosi voters deported. She scares the shit out of me. She has six brain cells and all of them on the far left side of her fucking gourd. Not to be outdone, Diane Feinstein deserves the new Stoopid Bitch of the Month award. Feinstein may be the only vertebrate organism eyeing Pelosi’s six neurons longingly. Oh, wait she’s also a Democrat…never mind (someone please edit out the word vertebrate).

After Obama made such a big deal of alternative energy, Feinstein wants so stop solar and wind farms in the Mojave Desert. THE MOJAVE DESERT!! She said it will spoil the pristine desert. What a maroon.

Even Ahnold said “if not in duh desuht, den vhere de hell vould you put dem?”

I know where I would put dem, bitch, or maybe shove dem is more like it, you damn demented Dem dame.

Hey, how about we bring another power line from Arizona through the desert, so the residents of California can feel “environmental” while still heating their fucking pools. I’m SO tired of NIMBY from these Califuckheads. My spell check is not recognizing Califuckheads. Fucking Microsoft. You’re not familiar with NIMBY? From my perspective it stands for: Not In My Backside Y’all.

California steals Arizona’s water and power, as they sit on the shores of the world’s largest ocean? Why don’t you do what the Arabs have been doing for decades? …no, not fuck with the Jews. Focus people! I’m talking about desalination. Oh, that’s right; we can’t. That would be cruelty to sodium.

Make your own fucking water, people. We, Arizonians, would if we had any. But even if we could, we’d probably have to pipe it all back to you mutherfuckin bastards anyway.

We need a wall all right, but not with Mexico. We need a wall between us and California. We should also make them responsible for their own power, their own water, and their own ass wipeage. Well, maybe we should work up to all three. Let’s start with ass wipeage. Then, a few years after the wall, when their all dead, we can harness their oceans, their pristine deserts, and maybe even build the first vertebrate Democrat.

A Crank can dream, can’t he?