An Open Letter To Whomever The Fuck Is Going To Actually Be “IN CHARGE” Of The “NEW” General Motors

(And, uh, hoping its not Obamarama, ‘cause, uh, then this whole letter is a total fucking waste of my time and, of course, the readers’)
The Crank

Dear Whomever The Fuck (DWTF),

Greetings and salutations. Like I did for your buddy Sergio, let me congratulate you on assuming only the best parts of an iconic American company for free, at the taxpayer’s expense, of course, while doing the crabwalk around all the “bad” stuff. You know, like the bondholders, and companies you forced out of business by not paying for shit you bought. Great country America, isn’t it?

Let’s go over, car line by car line, just what you had, what you now have, and what you will need for the future.

Pontiac: don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Ten years of ugly small underpowered cars, and just when you get the go-ahead for a new GTO, you go to Aus-fucking-tralia!  No, let’s not build the penultimate GTO from our decades of experience in musclecardome, let’s just phone a totally forgetful one in from down under. You idiots deserve to be at home now, waitin’ fer yer bailout like the rest of us.

Saturn: with Penske as new owners, is a wait & see. That is, wait & see how long it takes old Rodger to bring them Chinese cluster-fucks to our shores.

Hummer: the devil drives a Hummer. It IS what is all wrong with America. Driving a Hummer says “I have taken advantage of, and probably crushed the hopes of many unsuspecting common folk so I can impress all of my shallow friends.”

Saab: Saab? Really, who cares!  Purchasing Saab must have been one of those, “I wanted to buy a car company, but then I got high,” kind of moments. Nope, losing those last two was a good move from any standpoint.

Chevrolet: Impala is Ted Nugent living in Steven Colbert’s body. It’s near invisible to most people, yet it’s one of the best autos to come out of the Big Bowtie in decades as far as people moving, dependability, and power vs. economy. But you forgot one thing: it needs to look like something we just might want to purchase. Malibu: please don’t fuck with it. Really. Please. Oh, and lose Cobalt. Let’s hope we all don’t go out and buy a Volt (see past diatribe on being green). Cruz looks good. Silverado is a truck. I don’t mind a few luxuries, but let’s not forget it is not for getting soccer mom’s asses to the local mall, it’s for getting large amounts of “stuff” from point A to point B. If soccer moms want to ride tall, I have a seven-foot friend who would love to accommodate. The new crossover SUV Equinox is great as is. No one really needs a full-sized SUV.  Sure they may WANT one, but they sure as hell don’t NEED one, so lose them. They are only for Hummer-ites in training. The Vette is an icon, don’t touch this (dum dum da dum, da um, da dum ). Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear said the Z06 was just like a Ferrari, but the air conditioning worked, it rode better, and was 100k cheaper! The new Camaro looks great, but let’s see how it’s made.

GMC: uh, you already make trucks in Chevy. (Come over here and turn around so I can hit you in the back of the head.) Re-badging is what got you into the steaming compost heap you now find yourself. Let’s not go there again now, eh dorks. Lose GMC. We dun nid no stinkin rebadges. (I know, I’m sorry.  It’s Mikko’s influence.)

Buick: The problem with Buick, for a decade it’s been synonymous with old people. Here in Arizona, every fall we have what we call the, “Annual March of the Driverless Buicks.” It’s when all the short old people drive back in force to Sun City for the winter. You can almost set your watch to it. It’s kind of like the birds of Capistrano on ludes.  There are more ’97 to ’04 LeSabres, Centuries, and Park Avenues per capita than any other car on the planet in the Sun City area.  Let’s figure out why:

  1. Dependable: The 3.8 V6 is almost bullet proof. It will run on pee, or beer. I know this for fact. Miller is beer and pee, which might sound tempting, but don’t try it.
  2. Economy: My wife’s Park Ave has 164k on it and regularly gets 25 – 27 MPG.
  3. Room: All that out of a car a block long that seats six REAL people, seven if they have blue hair, and you can still fit five bodies in the trunk. That’s all of the members of Chicago and Lynard Skynard, dead or alive.
  4. Ease of service: Almost anyone on the planet with a fucking wrench can service a 3.8. (except Mikko, but that’s another story).
  5. Ride:like a magic carpet. Total isolation. Like playing a giant video game from the comfort of your Barkalounger.

Look, we old people need cars too, and my fat beige ass don’t want no mo “excitement” or “feel of the road.” I’m willing to slip on that car condom at this point. Tight handling, who cares? How many boxes of Krispy Kremes fit in the trunk? Can I get in it without being double-fucking jointed? If I hit something, will there be anything left for the Jaws of Life to extract? Will it get out of its own way on a regular basis? And can I do all of the above while passing the occasional gas station? These are things I give a shit about. The Buicks did this. Notice I said DID! In 2005 they figured, let’s make them smaller, heavier, less efficient, so the younger people will buy them. Duh, well, not so much. There is room for BOTH. Make the new 2010 Chinese design Lacrosse (known in China as Racrosse) for the young, and bring back the LeSabre for the rest of us. The new Lacrosse is great looking, the best vision for a Buick in a century (pardon the pun).  Let’s just see if I can get in and out of one.

Cadillac: I had a ’94 Sedan DeVille. 300 horse V8 front wheel drive. The best kept secret in Detroit. Fast as hell, blew away nearly everything from the stoplight. With all that weight on the drive wheels, I used to pass 4WD trucks stuck in the snow. It was what Mikko called the “Meadowlands Edition,” complete with the six body trunk (which could fit all of the Back Street Boys and still had enough room for most of Barney Frank). I put nearly 200k on it in 10 years at a total cost of gas, oil, tires, brakes, and about $800.00.  I had Vanity Plates that read “CRUZSHIP.” I miss that car. My very own “fat assed Caddy” as the NYPD called them, but that’s also another story. Anyway, today it’s all about the CTS; really nice car for the younger crowd. It has single handedly saved Caddy’s ass. The CTS-V was called the best American car ever by James May on Top Gear. It annihilates all its competition and can still conveniently dispose of the bodies. The new wagon version will be a killer, as will the new crossover SUV coming that’s based on it.

Escalade is yesterday’s bling. It’s dead, Jim. Lose it. It’s literally the 5000 lb gorilla in the room. Today, the Escalade says, “I gots lotsa muny from bein Gangsta and I gots a 5th grade edumakashun, and a chrome handgun,” or it says, “I sold subprime ARM’s to uneducated consumers.” What you DO need to do is create a new full-sized flagship car.New from the ground up, rear wheel drive, V8, full luxo boat, with the obligatory  $ 90k price tag. Please call it FLEETWOOD.  Make Mercedes and BMW look like so much useless Kraut technology. Real luxury can be FELT, as well as seen (like boobies). More toys do NOT necessarily equal true luxury (tassels come to mind).

One final note, Mr. WTF, please take note of the main problem facing Ford. Their problem? Well, unbeknownst to the Green police in the Government, the F150 TRUCK still outsells everything they got, as well as some Toyotas. With C.A.F.E going to 30+ MPG, it’s a problem brought on by our own Government, cause they tink dat we da peeps caint be trusted wif impowtant desishuns. We dead dinosaur lovers are not all dead yet. We just need representation, one with a very loud voice, and maybe, just maybe, a tight ass, and some perky boobies. I do believe just such a person has recently made herself available.

Goomis E. Kyaam

And on the Third Day He Rose: Jackson Emerges from UCLA Morgue

Los Angeles, CA — Jesus, Osiris, and Krishna all have their own resurrection myths associated with them.  Heck even Dionysus came back from the dead, but in all fairness he just might have had a three day hangover.  Michael Jackson, not to be out done, has thrown his own crown of thorns into the ring, so to speak.  It is believed Jackson rose from the dead on June 28th to some stunningly choreographed dance numbers.  Critics report most were borrowed from Thriller.  Jackson’s doctor reports the zombie-pop-star (ZPS) finished his set, demanded his glove, his plastic surgeon, and a bucket of Demerol.

Jackson went on to say, “This should qualify me for my own religion, and where is my Demerol?!”

Jackson then devoured several of the hospital staff’s brains before signing a few autographs for some lucky fans—then he devoured their brains as well.

Al Qaeda Planning to Use Our Own National Birds Against Us!

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today Al Qaeda’s latest plot against the homeland.  The CIA has gathered intelligence that suggests a well conceived plan to fly our own eagles, kamikaze style, into several important American flags.  British Intelligence agencies also believe this is a credible threat.  Al Qaeda is casing over four hundred flag poles located in high profile locations scattered across the United States.  It’s a plan that President Obama describes as “truly heinous.”  Young and impressionable eagles are captured and trained in Al Qaeda terrorist camps within the U.S. They are then loaded with C-4 and trained to fly into pre-designated flag poles.

“The synchronized attacks are not meant to weaken our economy, as that would be cruel,” said President Obama.  “No, these attacks are meant to do far worse.  They are meant to strike at the very nationalistic fiber that runs through our collective conscience.”

When asked to explain that last teleprompted statement, Obama declined and instead discussed his new puppy, what’sis name. 

New, Universal Scientific Unit System Unveiled

L. Wolfe

“All this science, I don’t understand; it’s just my job five days a week.”

– Elton John

This week a big breakthrough occurred at the Scientific Homologation, Institution, and Technologies conference in Amsterdam. Attendees have simplified the diverse, often contradicting lexicon of science by integrating all known scientific units into a single measurement system that is more encompassing than the metric system, and far less complicated than the standard system. This new system, known officially as the Integrated Dichotomous Infrastructure or Omniscient Treatise System, depending on which table of scientists you are talking to, has revolutionized the scientific community and has incredible and substantial application to every day life. 

This new universal system of measure both consolidates and integrates via a highly complex matrix mathematical conversion into a single unit of measure, called the What the F#&k, or WTF.  The WTF can now replace any unit of measure, and all units of WTF are universally transmutable. No longer does a person need to worry about converting from one measurement system to another, and no longer does a person need to worry about converting between differing types of units of measure! 

Imagine you’re driving from Las Vegas, NV to the red light district of Los Angeles, CA. (or the Bald Tony Special as we call it at the Discord).  The U.S. uses miles per hour as the standard unit of measure for speed, and Canada uses kilometers per hour.  Before this week, the expeditioustraveler needed to make distracting, complex mental calculations in order to avoid a speeding ticket once across the U.S – Canadian border (did I mention I take the long way?). Under the new system, the conversion is no longer necessary, since both can be expressed in WTF. units. In the new system, driving at a speed of 90 WTF is going to get you a speeding ticket, no matter what country you’re WTF&*^ing in.

Similarly, if our traveler decides to fill the gas tank, how can it be determined if the price of a liquid volume of gasoline is equally as unfair in Canada vs. the U.S.?  Before, there was no easy way to judge, since Canada uses the metric system and dispenses gasoline in liters and the U.S. dispenses gasoline in gallons. Many an unawares American traveler has been taken advantage of in Canada for precisely this reason.  Now, 1 WTF of gasoline in Canada is the same volume as 1 WTF in the U.S., so prices can be directly compared. 

Furthermore, all currency is now expressed in WTF as well. So, a doughnut purchased at Tim Horton’s in Canada costs exactly the same amount as a doughnut purchased at a Dunkin Donuts in the U.S.  In addition, there are no fractional WTFs. All WTFs are in whole units, greatly simplifying everyday activities by eliminating all fractions. Under funded school districts are drooling at the thought of cutting out entire chapters from their mathematics course work. It’s a win win!  

There is only one exception to this whole unit rule.  The petroleum industry was granted approval to sell gasoline in 9/10 WTF increments (0.9).  They argued that their largest customers needed the flexibility to purchase gasoline in these quantities in some circumstances. So you purchase 1 WTF of gasoline, you only actually get 0.9 WTF.  You may be saying to yourself, BWTF?  Since currency is only issued in whole WTF units, very small quantity purchases of gasoline (e.g., for your car) exclusively benefit the petroleum industry.

Note: There is currently a correction committee meeting at the Exxon negotiation facilities located in Maui, HI to come up with a fair an equitable correction to this oversight.  It is feared that if this is not dealt with before Americans stop learning fractions, the problem may never be resolved.

While covering the story in Amsterdam, I caught up with a group of research scientists at the Grasshopper, a coffee shop at 15 Franklinstraat, located across the street from the convention center.  One unnamed scientist claims, when numbers of WTF get extremely large, there are spontaneous, unexpected units of measure that fall out of the these complex calculations.  These units of measure must be real, because there are no other ways to account for them.  They include the “GTFOH.1” and the “NFW.2”. By far the most unstable version is the “AYFKM.3”, which often results in major problems in any transaction or conversion.

The scientist added, “Please don’t tell my wife, I’m still here.”

Despite some theoretical pitfalls, the sheer elegance of this system, and its immediate impact on the global economy, is immeasurable, literally, as such impact would now be measured in WTF units.

As the Daily Discord’s own Dr. Sterling Hogbein noted “See what can happen when a group of scientists get together in a place like Amsterdam to really focus on a problem?”

This reporter couldn’t agree more. Amsterdam truly is where the really important stuff gets hashed out.

1 – Get The F#&@ Outta’ here

2 – No F#&@ing Way

3 – Are You F#&@ing Kidding Me

McMahon Replaces St. Peter! First Job: Heeeeeeere’s Michael!

Ed McMahon’s only regret is dying two days after Farrah Fawcett.

“Oh, I would have welcomed her to heaven with open arms…Heeeere’s Farrah!  It would have been glorious,” joked McMahon.

He also reports his first job went smoothly enough.

“Michael Jackson gave me a high five and moon walked into paradise.”

God has apparently grown bored with St. Peter, whose own greeting ‘Hi Ho’ was dull and kind of a Kermit the Frog rip off.  In fact, Jim Henson thought the greeting was personalized for him and has since been bitching about copyright violations.

“Besides,” said God. “When you spend a lifetime trying to do the right thing, you should be greeted to heaven with, well, Ed does it best.”

God admits that Ed McMahon was slated to die in 2012 but a recent argument with St. Peter forced God’s hand, so to speak.

“The new job is great,” claims McMahon, but he admits to some early glitches.  The other day he greeted Billy Mays as, “Here’s that Oxy Clean guy.”  Mays was not amused.  McMahon admits there are still some bugs to work out. “And St. Peter’s is still being kind of a dick about the whole thing.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have studied the mystical path for over ten years and I am still riddled with anxiety.  I am worried people are going to find out my fondness for women’s clothing.  I try so hard to meditate, but yoga and tai chi just can’t separate me from my fears.  I have fears about the recent economic downturn, fears about my girlfriend finding out my secret, fear of, well, everything.  I need a Shaman.  I need your guidance.

Jack Mendelsen

Kenosha, WI

Dear Jack,

You are afraid of people discovering your fondness for women’s clothing, one Jack Mendelsen of Kenosha, Wisconsin?  I am sure your secret is safe (moron).  Look, self-transformation often involves a pair of fishnets and stilettos.  It does for me, anyway. As for fear…Just Stop!  Fear is the enemy.  Anxiety is crippling our society.  You must move beyond your fears.  The level of fear in the United States today scares the living shit out of me!  Hmmm, Living Shit the Mystical Pooh…maybe a book idea in there somewhere.

The Ghetto Shaman

A Letter to Sergio Marchionne: Thoughts of Chrysler’s Future from an American Guido Car Guy (AG/CG)

The Crank

Dear Goomba:

I will start out with a hayadooin & congrats on getting an iconic American car company, complete with freshly minted bailout money, for six yenpesos and a pizza coupon. The last “wap” that “inherited” Chrysler was Lido Iacocca. He did more for Chrysler than any other man before or since. The One Billion dollar bailout he got was probably bigger in terms of what the dollar was worth at the time, but who’s counting?  Really, at this point who is counting? Iacocca paid it back early, driving a fleet of 5th Avenues (dissolving as they went) up to the White House to hand deliver the check. I remember it well. Nothing like seeing a line of newly made American autos, followed closely by a street sweeper sucking the dust and particles created by the near immediate breakdown of that great seventies sheet metal, covered with that wondrous new lead free paint. Mom had one. It would have lasted longer had it been painted with marinara sauce.

I, for one, am very happy to see the Italians coming to the USA. I have had more than enough German overdesigning to last a lifetime. You want proof someone can redesign something so many times it can not possibly work? “I” drive and “Bluetooth capable” ring a bell? Friggin disasters, both. I have also had enough Japanese Quaaludes on wheels. Jeremy Clarkson of the BBC said that whenever he can’t get to sleep, he just looks at a picture of the Camry and he’s straight off. American auto design needs emotion, Italian emotion, and needs it fast! I am getting a stiffy just thinking of a Viper with a body by Pininfarina.  I think the word Viagra is actually in that combo somewhere.

But I digress. Serge, can I call you Serge? Anyway, Serge, listen up. There are only a few things that are worth saving in the lineup you just, well, for lack of a better word, won. Jeep is one. A Wrangler diesel could be the new “country with no navigable fucking roads” car, followed by an American/Italian version of the Range/Land Rover made from the Grand Cherokee where, unlike the British vehicles, the electronics would actually work. Oh, and 500 horsepower plus 1000 lbs of torque equals 10,000 maniacs. The person purchasing such a vehicle would probably want it to speed up or slow down the Earth’s rotation at will (at the very least).

Second order of business would be the 300/Charger/Challenger.  Only what I would like to see is a 300 based Alfa Romeo luxury sport sedan. All the “Cocks” that currently just switched from Beemers to Audis would cream at the crotch. It would have “greasy day trader/skeevy investment banker” written all over it!

But a better interior on the Challenger, please! It’s as interesting as the Morning Crop Report on the RFD channel. For 40k, its interior has GOT to look like something more interesting than Dave Atsals in a speedo.  Oh, and it should FEEL better too. For 40K it should cure not cause hemorrhoids. Ditch the current Charger for a more modern (real Italian) design. Oh, and please put the 2.7 engine to sleep. I can run faster than a 300 with a 2.7.

I can’t wait for the Fiat 500; it’s a real “Mini” killer. Turbo charge the little bastard and call it the GLH, Iacocca’s initials “for goes like hell.” That’s the old Dodge Omni Rabbit killer. But, maybe I’m just splitting hares.

Next up, the Ram. Listen, if you greaseballs want to understand just what makes up an American car guy, spend a week in a new Ram. An interior like a futuristic jet fighter, only one made for short fat pilots. Thirsty-lazy-short-fat pilots. With short little arms. A ride smoother than any pickup ever built. And an exterior design that when viewed in your rear-view mirror says “Get The Fuck Out of My Way”. With beer coolers built in to the truck bed—how fucking cool is that? Now, follow this, its very important: Make a short bed short cab 2wd version with the 6.1 hemi in go-mango orange, Black or Cool Vanilla, with no fucking stripes, no fucking scoops, no fucking ground effects. Just a sweet toned set of pipes. And the beer coolers! Black “vinyl” interior, no carpets, kick ass stereo, 6 spd manual, fat tires with 20” chromes. All for less than 30k. Done. In homage to the Road Runner, call it, ready for this, the RamRunner. I know, and you’re very welcome.  Maybe the horn can go, Mee, Meep, but in more of James Earl Jones kind of way. 

In closing, let me just say throughout American history Chrysler Corp. has always been a leader in design and technology. That was until the Nazis stole it.  They raped the company blind, and left it for dead. I am sincerely hoping that you and your company can revive some of the old that was great, and put to sleep some of the new that ain’t so great. I am rooting for you. If you’re ever in Phoenix, stop by and we’ll have a cannoli and some beer. It’s the Italian/American way!

Yours Unruly

Goomis E. Kyamm

Michael Jackson Is Still Dead, for Now

The announcement that Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009, has taken this country and the entire world by storm. However, the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has uncovered evidence that Michael Jackson really died in a pyrotechnic accident while filming a Pepsi commercial way back in 1984. Apparently the character we have been seeing is really an animatronic facsimile of the pop star now dead for 25 years.

An anonymous source in the Jackson entourage was quoted as saying “We simply could not keep the thing working any longer. The MJ-2 has constantly been breaking down for years. We’ve had to rework just about everything: the skin, the hair, the hands, the ears, and just look at that nose; we never did get that thing right. We pretty much had to cover up one part or another all of the time. Sometimes we even had to resort to using duct tape just to hold the figure together for public appearances. Finally the thing suffered a catastrophic failure; apparently it won’t run on Demerol and Vicodin.”

A sampling of the efforts by the Jackson entourage to keep MJ-2 functioning over the last 25 years

It would also appear that malfunctions were not limited to physical breakdowns. According to our contact the unit suffered from many behavioral issues.

“Oh geez, there was that whole “blanket” incident, and the device seemed to go nuts around young boys, no pun intended. It was very erratic from day one, but boy could it dance” stated our contact, now dubbed “Deep Shit”.

Reports indicate that the figure was built by George Lucas’ Industrial Light and Magic, the group that brought you such annoying creatures as Jar-Jar Binks, the Ewoks, and Carrot-Top.

“We had hoped to get another tour out of the MJ-2 but it just couldn’t hold up. It was a primitive model. While we still haven’t perfected the product, we have had much more success with our more recent productions like Amanda Lepore, Pamela Anderson, and Joan Rivers.“ stated Roger Guyett, of ILM. “We’re not sure if we’re going to be contracted to replace the MJ-2 with something more robust, but we have designs on the table. We could probably pull together a resurrection tour in late 2010.”

Other celebs replaced by ILM in recent years

Michael Jackson’s Autopsy Secrets Revealed!

Michael Jackson’s Autopsy Secrets Revealed!

Los Angeles, CA – Earlier today UCLA Hospital released this disturbing autopsy photo.  Information is now surfacing about the cause of Michael Jackson’s death.  The pop star  suffered from two herniated snarkles and several ruptured K2-nibblets.  According to inside sources, Farfalownus of the blow hole has not been ruled out at this time.  Seventeen contraindicated medications were found in Jackson’s system, including Valium, Xanax, Demerol, Vicodin, and Big Jug Extra malt liquor.  Although the amount of depressant-type medication discovered could easily prove fatal for humans, it was well within safe and legal limits for the inhabitants of Rigel Seven.   The Ambassador to Rigel Seven was unavailable for comment.  UCLA Hospital does not want to speculate any further about the cause of death at this time, but inside sources for the Daily Discord believe the cause of death may have been moon-walk-related (MWR).

Talk Awfully and Carry a Big Dick: The George W. Bush Story

The Bush legacy doesn’t end with My Pet Goat.  A new book, even longer and with more words, is hailed as the closest thing to a Bush triumph.

The former President admits it’s “on the long side, but is much better than that Oliver Stone book.”

Mr. Bush thought long and hard on the title for his autobiography. The struggle for a title tugged at the core of the Bush’s being, and the effort marks the beginning and the end of his actual contributions.

“I’m still not sure if I should have gone with Clearing Brush,” said the former President to our own Cokie McGrath.  Mr. Bush went on to say, “I like clearing brush.”

He then wandered off and started clearing brush. Somehow this reporter can’t help but think: “who pulled this man away from his golf, his baseball, and his brush clearing escapades? And can charges still be pressed against those individuals?”

Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often.  My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.

Wayne LeRoy

Garfield, NJ

Dear Wayne,

Good riddance to the bitch.  See?  You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken.  Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything!  Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.

The Ghetto Shaman

The Good Opinions of Others

For Lent I gave up fast food, and ejaculating, of course.

I haven’t slept in days, but I meditate. The energy builds and circulates throughout my entire body. I then walk to the park to practice T’ai Chi Ch’uan while the energy spirals up my spine.

I wander to Washington Boulevard and cut through the alley without purpose or destination.  I have no money; my psyche hangs on one theme: women.

Identity dissolves as hidden shadow-self resolves; the nervous system evolves to tune into the frequencies beyond the social games.

Maslow suggested that a self-actualized individual had no concern for the good opinions of others. The real test of this self-actualization would be to spend a long period of time inside a classy establishment without any money.

“I’ll have another water, please.”

The feeling of shame often presses upon the terminally broke (TB), that is, those without deodorant, mouthwash, social skills, and those who have no desire to hold in their gut wrenching farts (GWFs). But we still crave cultural happenings, or at least the well ventilated ones.

I count my quarters, dimes, nickels, and even pennies ($4.34). Money is time. This will buy me one pint at the brewpub. That should last me 45 minutes, depending on how warm I’m willing to tolerate my beer. I could buy a coffee with refills at the coffee shop. That would last until it closes at ten o’clock. I wander to the library. Maybe I can create a community hot spot that’s both cool and free, maybe even this time without police involvement.

Enlightened individuals will never concern themselves with the good opinions of others (god, I hope people like this article). This is a crucial realization and necessary for the dynamic cultural experiences that we wish to stimulate (mmmm, stimulate).  Neither do the degenerates concern themselves with the good opinions of others. After all, social establishments have certain etiquette and rules. What’s the difference between an enlightened individual and a degenerate? The enlightened have transcended social etiquette, while the degenerates have brazenly dismantled it.

At Starbucks, five sophisticated sounding women discuss ‘sexual politics’ and Hillary Clinton. Another group enters, a young red-head accompanied by her elderly parents. I sink into the soft sofa and stare at the young woman’s breasts. I feel her family’s discomfort but my wild hunger consumes concerns of polite restraints.

“You’re so rude,” the women says.

Rude?  Mwaah? I’m a poet of the highest order. I’m a prophet preacher from another planet.  I’m Rick James, bitch!

Too much realization is more than most people can socially endure.

The subconscious psychic masses gang-up against the outsider deemed weird, wrong, or inappropriate. Free-range farting at church (FRFAC) brings with it social shame that the group presses upon us.  In order for the shame to be effective, the individual must accept the social contract. Shame is NOT merely an internally generated phenomenon. Others must convince a person to accept shame. It’s a heavily conditioned socialized agreement. Some people refuse to play this game. These people are called ‘rude.’

Some anti-social activity is so controversial that laws are passed and physical force is used to restrain and punish people who break these laws.   Sex with minors, illegal drug use, and public drunkenness, or the Friday night special, as I call it, are all examples of social behaviors for which an individual will be prosecuted.

Not all outcasts drift beyond the law. During its formation, Christianity cast out Gnostics for their heretical interpretations, those tit staring freaks.  It could be argued that the very roots of Christianity are repressed and trapped inside the prison of literalistic dogma.

There is social tension inflicted upon those who have no reference point of identity in social situations. For example, standing alone in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring discomfort, believe me. Standing alone naked in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring even more discomfort, believe me.

That man was staring at my tits, officer!  They never take my side, ever.

I’m destined to unite individual enlightenment with cultural dynamics. In our age of scientism and materialism, we outcastes rebel beyond the mainstream, scientific, fact-finding, fatalistic deconstruction of the cosmos. Shadow assumptions of purposeless poison the veins of genetics, psychiatry, and medicine.

The direct experience of the blinding ‘One Mind’ blows the top off any coffee shop, bar, or strip club.  Me? I like blowing the tops off at strip clubs.  I’m looking for that coffee shop that serves psilocybin smoothies and acid-cool-aid spritzers with an atmosphere like the first scene from Clockwork Orange.

I know that women sometimes feel uncomfortable when I stare, but it sure beats my more violent rendition of “Singing in the Rain”.

Colin Wilson tells us the promise of sex is never fulfilled by the act of sex itself.

Ken Wilber said that, “Nobody can ever get enough of what they really don’t want.”

And Jim Blob said, “I’m celibate by choice.”

Sex is but a tool for charging, expanding, and exploding into higher frequencies of love, joy, and ecstasy.

For six weeks I’ve retained my semen, boiling her basal juices into pure energy blowing my mind and soul into the higher spheres.

I’ve now been psychically barred from every social establishment in town, every establishment, that is, except Dunkin’ Donuts.

I guess it’s that time, time to start eating my last few mushrooms.

“I’ll have two chocolate donuts and a flying unicorn, please.”

Mick Zano Detained After Slim Jim Factory Explosion

Phoenix, AZ – The Daily Discord’s own Mick Zano was interrogated shortly after the explosion, in Garner, NC, of a Slim Jim Jerky Plant.  Mr. Zano became a ‘person of interest’ after one of his recent articles eerily foreshadowed events on June 8th at ConAgra foods.  Zano claims his condemnation of all jerky products only days before the massive explosion was merely “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Zano went on to say, “Think about it, if somebody doesn’t like abortion clinics, they wouldn’t go around blowing them up.”

No one has seen or heard from Mr. Zano since that last statement and rightly so.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is on the record as stating, “I will do everything in my power to see that Mick receives a fair execution.”

As much as Winslow finds Zano “morally reprehensible,” the prospect of promoting the Crank to head comedy writer fills him with an even deeper dread.  Furthermore, Mr. Winslow denies allegations that he has contacted the Jerky Boys for legal counsel.

Some Important Feedback from the Holy Land

Dear Daily Discord:

My name is Muhammad Al’ Hussein, Sharia High Cleric, Cleveland, Ohio.  Today I read your Zionist propaganda, Newly Discovered Seuss Manuscripts Are Troubling.  This is more than troubling! In fact, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your infidel armpits!  Dr. Seuss converted to Sharia, and his true name became Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss (under pain of death).  These books you list are forbidden under Sharia law.  They give Sharia childs bad thoughts, not unlike your American sitcoms.  Your Zionist Conspiracy ideas is why true believers hate the Great Satan (aka, parts of Akron).  Go to local Sharia Library and read Sharia-Approved Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss childs books:

Top Ten Sharia-Approved Dr. Al JeSeuss Books

  1. Mr. Brown can Mujahideen! (Can you?)
  2. The Lion in Zion
  3. Oh, The Places You Cannot Go!
  4. Horton Hatches a Jihad!
  5. Daisy Beheaded Mayzie
  6. There’s a Saudi in my Audi
  7. Shop with Pop (or a Thousand Lashes)
  8. The 500 Burkhas of Basheera Mohammad
  9. Rocks in Locks (The Complete Sharia Stoning Book: scratch and sniff edition)
  10. Sharia Mariah!  The Twatva I Should Fatwah!

These books are good Sharia books all written under close supervision of respected Sharia Clerics.  Dr. Seuss’ name became Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss after he insulted the prophet Muhammad in his Zionist book The Lorax.  I can assure you this Lorax does not speak for the trees, or the Suni’s, or the Shiites.  Let us never speak of him again, or may Allah rip out your spleen and feed it to a mountain goat.

This reminds me of a childhood game when one group of playmates would all circle around a second group and say, “Glory be to thee, Allah.”

To which the inner circle would perform the ablution and recite aqama in all its glory.

Then, amidst this inexplicable connection with the great mystery, we would stone the shit of our friends in the middle, such fun.  It brings me back, back to a very primitive emergency room.

And if you continue your Zionist reporting, don’t forget that Mr. Brown can Mujahideen!

Muhammad Al’ Hussein

High Cleric

International Sharia Law Allah Mosque (FAS: Fuck Akron Society)

Cleveland, OH

Specially Processed Swine Food Sparks Global Spamdemic?

San Diego, CA – During a conference on Universal Healthcare in San Diego earlier today, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Minute Mart, unveiled the above map. Created from over fifty cans of SPAM, the map is a cryptic warning of things to come.

“This is what our planet is going to look like by 2014!” shouted Hogbien to a stunned crowd of healthcare professionals.

Among a list of wild assertions, Hogbien insists that Spam is to blame for the current global pandemic. Witnesses report the aged archeologist belted out Monty Python’s Spam song as he was hauled away by hotel security.  The Obama Administration has not released any statement on the matter. CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is calling for a boycott of all Spam related products, “just in case.”  When asked about his life-sized Spam sculpture fountain that typically adorns the annual employee picnic, Winslow became highly agitated.  He started reciting excerpts of Churchill’s speech and then stapled his tie to his forehead.  President Obama has failed to comment on that too.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently paid Pay Pal for one of your on-line ‘classes’ on Long Distance Healing.  I am physically very ill and money is tight.  To pay you over a hundred dollars, that I didn’t have, just to tell me to switch from Alltel to Verizon?!  There are peoples’ lives at stake here, you low life, bastard!

Phil Bower

Gilroy, CA

Dear Phil,

Don’t speak. I know just what you’re saying so please stop explaining. Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

…Really, dude, just shut the hell up.  The family plan on Verizon is much cheaper than the one you use.  You could use that savings to drink yourself to death.  Just a thought.

The Ghetto Shaman