Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When contacting the spirit realms, should I first put a teaspoon of the lye crystals into the bottle of ephedrine and then agitate?


Fabio 6

Dear Fabio 6,

No, no.  Dude! Stop! You can’t make ayahuasca, man.  You’re making methamphetamine!  In which case you should use only an eighth of a teaspoon of lye crystals.  Meth is usually snorted or injected but, for a more authentic ayahuasca experience, try dissolving it in a rancid birch beer while gnawing on a stick.

The Ghetto Shaman

Bush, Fascism, and the Other ‘N’ Word

Mick Zano

It’s time to put an end to the unfounded accusations that our government is moving toward fascism.  Most people probably don’t even know the real definition. Fascism involves an unhealthy enmeshment between corporations and government.  For instances, Bush’s entrepreneurial buddies throwing Enron-like parties at the taxpayer’s expense and leaders waging wars while sitting on the boards of profiting companies…unrelated stuff like that.

Let’s go back in history.  When Adolf Hitler was 19, he traveled to Vienna to enroll in a prestigious art school, but he was denied admission.  This is reason enough to accept anyone to any art school regardless of talent, money, or tendency to sculpt headless puppies.  I only mention this because, well, how would history have changed if Hitler had been admitted into that art school?  We might have avoided so much senseless tragedy—like his frivolous avant-garde stencil period, which many found to be ‘tripe,’ and ‘ghastly.’  In contrast, Bush never went to art school, but he did snort coke with a guy named Art at school.   Apparently, Julio was in rehab.

During Hitler’s rise to power, he began quelling any and all dissent by declaring people who opposed his views as “enemies of the state,” probably starting with his art critics.  FOX News’ Sean Hannity (White House propagandist extraordinaire) has also referred to his political foes as “enemies of the state” during his hit show Hannity’s America.  He was forced to change the title to “enemies of the week” upon receiving a memo from the Vice President with only the words, “Subtlety, dumbkopf!” Hannity’s show is must-see TV.  No really.  You have to watch it…now.

Meanwhile, back in Germany, Hitler hijacked the judiciary, the radio, and the press in short order.   But, the Bush Administration only revamped the Justice Department to include ‘more agreeable sorts,’ ignored the legislative branch with signing statements, and only really owns FOX News, AM radio, and parts of Katie Couric.  So there is still plenty of opposition from cable news, several Jewish comedians, and certain disreputable e-zines like the Daily Discord.

We really need to do something about those Jewish comedians.

In Mein Kampf—which I believe can be roughly translated by non-German speaking comedic journalists as ‘my puppy’—Hitler was actually quoted as saying, “The receptivity of the great masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous.”  This is precisely why I voted for Al Edwards in 2003…if only he hadn’t been waterboarded by those fraudulent Korean Vet bastards!

“In consequence of these facts,” Hitler continues, “all effective propaganda must be limited to a very few points and must harp on these in slogans until the last member of the public understands what you want him to understand by your slogan.” The Bush administration’s behaviors bear little resemblance to such crass tactics.  Reminding people constantly that we are ‘fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here,’ and, ‘read my lips, she was over 18 officer,’ is just sound politics.

Hitler goes on to say: “And only after the simplest ideas are repeated thousands of times will the masses finally remember them.” Even Hitler could not have foreseen just how much repetition it would take for things to sink into the skull and bones of one George W. Bush.  But did Hitler foresee such future events?  It might explain his ‘No Fuhrer Left Behind’ program, passed in 1932.  I’m sure it is just a coincidence that over 60% of the US still believes Iraq was responsible for 9-11 and that a clear link exists between Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  As it turns out, if you topple Iraq’s government, Al-Qaeda flows in over the border.  See the connection?  And they called Bush mad…

In 1933 it is suspected that Hitler arranged the bombing of the Reichstag, which was apparently some German embassy, or possibly a jelly donut.  Ich bin ein Reichstagger!  The would-be Fuhrer dubbed this fiery incident as an act of terrorism, and immediately started playing Scherenschnitte with the German constitution (Today’s bonus word, kids, is Scherenschnitte: a cool paper-art craft thingie).  After the incident, Hitler indefinitely suspended Habeas Corpus, which he felt was a “silly word anyway,” and believed it should “not only be suspended, but should not be allowed back on school property” (rough translation).

Bush did nothing of the sort after 9-11.  Well, he did do all of that, but only to keep us safe (on the bright side, look at the cool snowflakes he made from the Bill of Rights).  There are many who feel 9-11 was an inside job, but Bush couldn’t orchestrate a Comedy Central roast of Paul Wolfowitz, let alone pull off anything this big.  So give it a rest.  What was his plan?  Hey, I’ll pretend to be reading a book to children while the towers fall, heh, heh, heh.  Let’s face it, reading is just not a plausible alibi for incurious George.

After the Reichstag bombing, Hitler circled the wagons, became incredibly secretive, and started a new department called Homeland Security.  Although, I admit this seems vaguely reminiscent of recent events in America, just look at the German version: Vaterland Sicherheit.  See?  Granted it means Homeland Security, but in Bush’s defense, the German version bears little resemblance.

With that pesky Habeas Corpus out of the way, Hitler created some secret prisons and expanded the Secret Police’s standard interrogation techniques, Versch ärfte Vernehmung, to include stress positions, sleep deprivation, and waterboarding. Oh, wait, they didn’t officially include waterboarding, as that would clearly be torture and they could get themselves into a real international pressure-cooker if they admitted to that.   The Gestapo really dodged an electrode to the nad on that one.

Another key component to the Nazi’s success was the religious right.  Hitler used religious leaders to spread his peace, love, and fascism throughout Deutschland.  The entire Discord research division could not draw a single parallel to what’s happening today.  That could never happen here!  Unless we started some type of Club with, say, 700 of our closest friends.  What should we call this club? Hmmm.

Hitler, as you recall, was a big fan of Nietzsche, and Bush’s favorite philosopher is, of course, Jesus.  Nietzsche believed God is dead, Jesus equals God, and therefore Bush is God, right?  This is called the Sowhatic Method.  I’m being told to end this now…They are insisting.  One more voice silenced in Hannity’s America.  Sadly, most of the stuff in this article is accurate, except the part about the girl being 18 years of age, that schweinhund!

Barack Obama: You Mean I’m Going to Stay this Color?

Not since Bobby Kennedy’s tragic drive to the White House in 1968, when he ran out of gas on I-95, has so much excitement surrounded a candidate as presidential hopeful Barak OBama.  To find an explanation for the O’bama phenomena, I traveled to the heartland of this great country.

After speaking to Harvard University professor, Dr. Chowder McHateshisownrace, I finally understand how ‘White America’ can finally absolve their slave guilt by electing an African-American.  This will serve as the ultimate legitimization of affirmative action.  I also discovered that any criticism of Obama’s policies, or heaven forbid, voting against him, is tantamount to racism.

I then traveled to Harlem, New York, where I spoke with people so often disappointed by their elected leaders.  For instance, Charlie Rangel, one of the most powerful congressmen for decades, has done little for his constituents.  But this time will be different, I’m told.  “If Brother Barack is elected,” said Apollo McWelfare, “he’ll solve all of our community’s problems—I can almost smell that reparations check.”  When I asked him who they’d vote for if General Colin Powell (R) ran against Obama (D), the answer was unanimous, “It just doesn’t matter.”  Excitement isn’t the only thing that’s high around here.

Hollywood, the land of dreams and fantasy, where high-profile writers, producers, and directors teach Americans how to better themselves.  Celebrity image consultant, Flakey McShallow, needn’t know any details of Obama’s policies or positions.  She was enamored simply by Barack’s camera presence, his well-dressed appearance, and how popular he was amongst Hollywood A-listers.  Oh, and he was clean and articulate.

“I keep hearing the word “change” and in this business darling, one must be on top of next season’s fashion and style.”

As I was leaving for this assignment I picked up a USA Today at the bus station.  A colored pie chart showed that America is heavily in debt.  The federal government is bloated and inefficient while pork projects and waste run rampant.  Obama’s plan (though I was told to keep this on the DL) is to keep all of the subsidized programs in place and to actually increase the size of the government because they know how best to manage our money.”

This whole Global War on Terrorism has many Muslim people indignant.  For eight years they have been subjected to suspicion, humiliation, and disrespect.   Never mind the fact that Al Qaeda hates our way of life and has killed 3000 people on September 11.  Never mind that they want to eliminate our freedoms and live under repressive, misogynist, religious 1500 year-old laws.  When those prisoners had their Abu Ghraib photo shoot, well, I can understand why they’d take out their revenge on a female aid worker by cutting off her head.  She shouldn’t have interfered in their cultural order and challenged their male egos…what did she expect?   Barack wants to change how we handle foreign policy and says he’ll talk to our enemies. Obama’s No Decapitated Head Left Behind program is bound to save countless lives.  He’ll restore the political correctness that has been so lacking in this theological “misunderstanding.”  The last thing we want to do is hurt their feelings by committing more social or verbal faux pas.  Once they realize Barack will change America’s attitude towards them and let them live how they want, they will lay down their arms and only decapitate people on weekends.

Many are under the misconception that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim.  This can be no farther from the truth. For TWENTY years he attended the church of Rev Jeremiah Wright.  He was married by Rev Wright and his children were baptized by him.  Fiesty Mcblackradical knows Obama from church.  “I remember brother Barack…there was this one time when Rev Wright was reminding us that the White man brought AIDs to America’s inner cities to kill off all the brothers and sisters.  Barack testified, “We need CHANGE. Halleluiah!”   Ronald Reagan had Billy Graham and Bill Clinton had Jesse Jackson…Barack Obama will have no Muslim cleric—the Christian Rev. Jeremiah Wright will serve as his spiritual advisor and councilor when that 3AM phone call rings.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that Barack Obama is running against a white man, race becomes an issue, but Barack Obama is actually white!  His mother is white, he was reared by his white grandparents, he went to Harvard Law School and he vacations in Hawaii!  He’s a millionaire and has Bruce Springsteen on his IPOD.  He’s whiter than I am! So for all those white independents and moderate republicans out there, feel better about Barack.  He’s one of you.

Speaking to political insiders in Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco, I’ve found “unity” in the air.  Pat McLezdyke claims that Obama will bring Republicans and Democrats together. During his long 15-month tenure as senator, Barack had the most liberal voting record of any member of that house.  What better way to bridge the ideological gap than to impose policy from the most extreme pole of the political spectrum?  “After eight years of leadership from the other extreme pole and seeing how it fractured the country, we need someone to bring us together.”  I reminded Pat that George Bush ran on that slogan in 2000. He was “A uniter not a divider” and we were all fooled.  I asked what makes Barack Obama’s message more believable?  I never got an answer as she began accusing me of racism.

Joe Biden’s pick as Barack Obama’s running mate is a great choice!  He enjoys 36 years experience as a Washington insider and is a major government power player.  He’s experienced in foreign policy, economics, knows how the city works, and gets things done.   Not that Obama needs any help, but look what Dick Cheney did for George Bush.  He compensated for all the weaknesses and shortcomings of W. He helped him win in 2000 and guided him throughout his 8-year term.  A man who’s been in the Senate since 1972 is the personification of CHANGE.

If Barack Obama is elected, he plans to bring our troops home from Iraq immediately!  We can finally wash our hands of that problem and let the Iranians or Syrians take care of it.  While attending the funeral of a fallen soldier, I approached a vocal group of “Free Speechers.”  Hippy McSheehan shouted, “Obama didn’t start the war so why should he fix it? Those 4000+ American servicemen and women who died trying to make things “right” in Iraq did so as volunteers.  They should have gone to college instead.”  By pulling out of Iraq unconditionally we’d regain our global popularity.  Countries like China, Russia, North Korea and Iran will take us seriously if we’re more sensitive to their point of view.

So there you have it, a cross-section of middle Americans and a bevy of solid reasons why we should all vote for America’s would-be-savior, Barack Obama.  Next month, Nutsy McNeocon will provide an equally compelling argument to vote for that other old crotchety old bastard, John McCrabby or something.

A Recent Email Exchange Between Barak Obama and the Discord’s Own, Mick Zano

Mick —

This night could not have happened 40 years ago — or even 4 years ago.

And it could not have happened without you.

You believed, against the odds, that change was possible. I felt your passion here tonight, and I know it was shared by millions of Americans who are building this movement all across the country.

Tonight is your night. But tonight is just the beginning.

I need your support more than ever.

Barak Obama

Dear Barak,

I don’t think we should see each other any more. It was fun and all, and, let’s face it, Biden was a much better pick than what’s-her-name. But here’s the thing: you’ve been plugging up my email and impeding my ability to get to I need lesbians Barak, and I am not as interested in their rights to visit each other in hospitals as I am their ability to fight each other in the field of battle with only their glistening god-given armor and a broad sword (pardon the pun).

Mick Zano

Pubs Vs. Clubs: The Case Against a Woman’s Right to Vote

Throughout my journeys, I’ve encountered many candidates for the quintessential pub. I’m talking about those uber-bars with gritty style and spirited atmosphere, witty hip characters, stimulating conversations, and delicious beer. I’ve noticed that these greatest of taverns often experience the one same problem—lack of single women.

I’ve reflected deeply on this phenomenon, very deeply (zip). What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, why don’t single chicks hangout at cool spots? Perhaps these establishments promote an offensive vibe, and that’s the reason for these ladies’ absence? Is it possible that these floozies have been made to feel uncomfortable at these greatest of gin joints? But when I investigated into the sleazy, tacky places where these wenches did frequent…well, I realized that it was just the opposite. For some reason (possibly a deep-seeded inferiority: PDSI) American women tend to hangout at culturally dead and often sexually degrading places. They just love paying cover charges for a disco DJ with pumping primal porno music and a dance floor filled with body rubbing rejects. Wow, I feel rewarded after that stop. The ladies love it. Or how about we hangout at a big stale subdivided lounge with social cliques so tight that you have to pull your cheeks apart to fart.

“Excuse me miss, maybe you’d like to checkout the cool brewpub with yummy beers and free live jamming music next door? Or there’s the stylish pub with great beverages and characters rocking beyond last call. We’ve got a hippy bar with the best jukebox in town and an outdoor beer garden. And don’t forget the casual corner bar…Oh, you’re meeting all of your female friends at the Sugar Shack. Great.

Why do women spend their time and money the way that they do?

The answer hides within the occult history and evolution of the sexes. The phenomenon of sex first emerged outside of a Neolithic nightclub—that they called ‘caves’—as a survival pump for the purpose of propagating the species toward light beer and bad music. This archaic impulse when harnessed through primitive tribal ceremonies—that they called ‘happy hours’—drove our ancestors toward rabid cannibalism and virgin sacrifices—that they called ‘fun.’ At this level of sexual development our urges are powerful, yet brutal. Women in ancient cultures learned that their safety depended on keeping men tangled in endless competition. In order to stay elusive they developed the survival mechanism of social shape-shifting from one identity to another. This ‘identity-shifting’ is etched deep inside women’s psyches. Men refer to this phenomenon as ‘two faced,’ ‘cock tease,’ or ‘lying scumbag bitch whore’ (LSBW).

As tribal communities arose, sexual consciousness focused on issues of survival, protection, childbearing, power, and ladies’ nights. The male warrior became identified as the protector of his female, but the woman was also identified as his possession. From this place of power, traditional kingdoms and chivalrous etiquette refined the blade of law through the social instrument of marriage. The Enlightenment then sparked the romantic expansion beyond individual identity. Personal freedom of expression now blossomed in these beautiful women who were previously mandated to the role of the subordinate. The growing educational and economic opportunities granted women expanding choices to direct her own destiny (stripper, prostitute, or battered housewife). The baby boomer revolution climaxed with uninhibited sexual experimentation (bondage, sadomasochism, or erotic asphyxiation). Now at the integralist’s level, we taste the joy of true liberation and realize that our own attachments (many of them sexually driven) have imprisoned us in our daily delusions. I recommend genital mutilation.

The history of human sexual development must be recognized, integrated, and transcended if we hope to salvage civilization and evolve into higher frequencies of sex, love, and culture. It’s not just our foreign policy that has inspired Islam to wage Holy War against the Big Satan; it’s our cultural complacency and decadence. You ladies have the difficult task of soul-searching beyond your ego’s habit of identity hopping. As you do so, you will realize just how much you invest in cultural pornography.

Yes, pornography.

Pornography is any cultural expression—TV, movie, music, literature, website, theatre, pubs, and clubs—that, by its nature, leads to a dulling, degeneracy, or complacency of those involved….you dirty skanky shit pouch, you. Pornography is any device of entertainment that inhibits people’s natural and healthy growth toward individual and cultural enrichment. Shit pouch!

How can we best bring about this cultural awakening of which I speak?

It’s time that you ladies started making more mature decisions regarding atmosphere, beverage, and music selection. Remember, you hold the power. You’ve just been stuck in a rut for an epoch or two. Please allow me to guide you on a tour of the town’s rising hot spots. Let’s crack this party to life as art waves wailing across the cosmos and then back to my place for the finale (I take my eggs medium, my homefries crispy, my coffee black, and my women in crotchless sheep costumes).

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear ghetto Shaman,

I am a fellow shaman and find myself confused, even appalled, by some of your teachings. I too have spoken to the spirit plants. They almost universally implore us to avoid alcohol, sugar, salt, and even sex, so how do you justify your last ‘healing retreat’ entitled: Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.


Lamas Gitomachus

Dear Lamas,

There are many different plants and, therefore, many different interpretations. Perhaps you are not as enlightened as you claim. Next you’ll be knocking my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Why don’t you try listening to cannabis sometime, Medicine Man, preferably with a bag of chips. 

The Ghetto Shaman.

Study Finds Obese Children at Greater Risk for Fat Jokes

A recent non-experimental study conducted at Washington Middle School suggests a rotund correlation between heavier children and lipid-related peer-scrutiny (LRPS).  Actually, it was more of a survey, really…OK, we stopped some fat kid in the hall, but we really feel there is something to this.

Top Ten Failed Football Mascots

  1. The Boston Stranglers
  2. The Detroit Gusty Autumn Breezes
  3. The Seattle Strap-Ons
  4. The Portland Plague
  5. The Phoenix Flash Fires
  6. The Annapolis Anthraxers
  7. The Mississipi Mad Cows
  8. New Orleans Dikes
  9. The Mass. Extinctions
  10. The Tulsa Gold-Medal Fair Bunnies