Viagra Warns: Number of Uncontrollable Erections Set to Rise

Viagra spokesperson, Dale ‘Stiffy’ O’Tool, admits that priapism, an erection that could last for upwards of fourteen hours, is going to be an even bigger problem in the future. “Conducting laboratory studies on this subject has been touchy,” admits O’Tool, “but not in a good way.”

Hope Wanes of Ever Finding Amelia Earhart Alive

“The last vestiges of hope have been snuffed out by the fact that she would be 121 years old if she were alive today,” says great, great grandchild Sparky Earhart. “So if she were alive today, she would most certainly be dead,” clarifies Sparky. When asked to speculate on his great great grandmother’s demise, Sparky had this to say, “I like to think that she was eaten alive by cannibals, because that would mean …no wait, not eaten alive by cannibals.”