Barack Obama: You Mean I’m Going to Stay this Color?

Not since Bobby Kennedy’s tragic drive to the White House in 1968, when he ran out of gas on I-95, has so much excitement surrounded a candidate as presidential hopeful Barak OBama.  To find an explanation for the O’bama phenomena, I traveled to the heartland of this great country.

After speaking to Harvard University professor, Dr. Chowder McHateshisownrace, I finally understand how ‘White America’ can finally absolve their slave guilt by electing an African-American.  This will serve as the ultimate legitimization of affirmative action.  I also discovered that any criticism of Obama’s policies, or heaven forbid, voting against him, is tantamount to racism.

I then traveled to Harlem, New York, where I spoke with people so often disappointed by their elected leaders.  For instance, Charlie Rangel, one of the most powerful congressmen for decades, has done little for his constituents.  But this time will be different, I’m told.  “If Brother Barack is elected,” said Apollo McWelfare, “he’ll solve all of our community’s problems—I can almost smell that reparations check.”  When I asked him who they’d vote for if General Colin Powell (R) ran against Obama (D), the answer was unanimous, “It just doesn’t matter.”  Excitement isn’t the only thing that’s high around here.

Hollywood, the land of dreams and fantasy, where high-profile writers, producers, and directors teach Americans how to better themselves.  Celebrity image consultant, Flakey McShallow, needn’t know any details of Obama’s policies or positions.  She was enamored simply by Barack’s camera presence, his well-dressed appearance, and how popular he was amongst Hollywood A-listers.  Oh, and he was clean and articulate.

“I keep hearing the word “change” and in this business darling, one must be on top of next season’s fashion and style.”

As I was leaving for this assignment I picked up a USA Today at the bus station.  A colored pie chart showed that America is heavily in debt.  The federal government is bloated and inefficient while pork projects and waste run rampant.  Obama’s plan (though I was told to keep this on the DL) is to keep all of the subsidized programs in place and to actually increase the size of the government because they know how best to manage our money.”

This whole Global War on Terrorism has many Muslim people indignant.  For eight years they have been subjected to suspicion, humiliation, and disrespect.   Never mind the fact that Al Qaeda hates our way of life and has killed 3000 people on September 11.  Never mind that they want to eliminate our freedoms and live under repressive, misogynist, religious 1500 year-old laws.  When those prisoners had their Abu Ghraib photo shoot, well, I can understand why they’d take out their revenge on a female aid worker by cutting off her head.  She shouldn’t have interfered in their cultural order and challenged their male egos…what did she expect?   Barack wants to change how we handle foreign policy and says he’ll talk to our enemies. Obama’s No Decapitated Head Left Behind program is bound to save countless lives.  He’ll restore the political correctness that has been so lacking in this theological “misunderstanding.”  The last thing we want to do is hurt their feelings by committing more social or verbal faux pas.  Once they realize Barack will change America’s attitude towards them and let them live how they want, they will lay down their arms and only decapitate people on weekends.

Many are under the misconception that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim.  This can be no farther from the truth. For TWENTY years he attended the church of Rev Jeremiah Wright.  He was married by Rev Wright and his children were baptized by him.  Fiesty Mcblackradical knows Obama from church.  “I remember brother Barack…there was this one time when Rev Wright was reminding us that the White man brought AIDs to America’s inner cities to kill off all the brothers and sisters.  Barack testified, “We need CHANGE. Halleluiah!”   Ronald Reagan had Billy Graham and Bill Clinton had Jesse Jackson…Barack Obama will have no Muslim cleric—the Christian Rev. Jeremiah Wright will serve as his spiritual advisor and councilor when that 3AM phone call rings.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that Barack Obama is running against a white man, race becomes an issue, but Barack Obama is actually white!  His mother is white, he was reared by his white grandparents, he went to Harvard Law School and he vacations in Hawaii!  He’s a millionaire and has Bruce Springsteen on his IPOD.  He’s whiter than I am! So for all those white independents and moderate republicans out there, feel better about Barack.  He’s one of you.

Speaking to political insiders in Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco, I’ve found “unity” in the air.  Pat McLezdyke claims that Obama will bring Republicans and Democrats together. During his long 15-month tenure as senator, Barack had the most liberal voting record of any member of that house.  What better way to bridge the ideological gap than to impose policy from the most extreme pole of the political spectrum?  “After eight years of leadership from the other extreme pole and seeing how it fractured the country, we need someone to bring us together.”  I reminded Pat that George Bush ran on that slogan in 2000. He was “A uniter not a divider” and we were all fooled.  I asked what makes Barack Obama’s message more believable?  I never got an answer as she began accusing me of racism.

Joe Biden’s pick as Barack Obama’s running mate is a great choice!  He enjoys 36 years experience as a Washington insider and is a major government power player.  He’s experienced in foreign policy, economics, knows how the city works, and gets things done.   Not that Obama needs any help, but look what Dick Cheney did for George Bush.  He compensated for all the weaknesses and shortcomings of W. He helped him win in 2000 and guided him throughout his 8-year term.  A man who’s been in the Senate since 1972 is the personification of CHANGE.

If Barack Obama is elected, he plans to bring our troops home from Iraq immediately!  We can finally wash our hands of that problem and let the Iranians or Syrians take care of it.  While attending the funeral of a fallen soldier, I approached a vocal group of “Free Speechers.”  Hippy McSheehan shouted, “Obama didn’t start the war so why should he fix it? Those 4000+ American servicemen and women who died trying to make things “right” in Iraq did so as volunteers.  They should have gone to college instead.”  By pulling out of Iraq unconditionally we’d regain our global popularity.  Countries like China, Russia, North Korea and Iran will take us seriously if we’re more sensitive to their point of view.

So there you have it, a cross-section of middle Americans and a bevy of solid reasons why we should all vote for America’s would-be-savior, Barack Obama.  Next month, Nutsy McNeocon will provide an equally compelling argument to vote for that other old crotchety old bastard, John McCrabby or something.

A Recent Email Exchange Between Barak Obama and the Discord’s Own, Mick Zano

Mick —

This night could not have happened 40 years ago — or even 4 years ago.

And it could not have happened without you.

You believed, against the odds, that change was possible. I felt your passion here tonight, and I know it was shared by millions of Americans who are building this movement all across the country.

Tonight is your night. But tonight is just the beginning.

I need your support more than ever.

Barak Obama

Dear Barak,

I don’t think we should see each other any more. It was fun and all, and, let’s face it, Biden was a much better pick than what’s-her-name. But here’s the thing: you’ve been plugging up my email and impeding my ability to get to LesbianGladiators.com. I need lesbians Barak, and I am not as interested in their rights to visit each other in hospitals as I am their ability to fight each other in the field of battle with only their glistening god-given armor and a broad sword (pardon the pun).

Mick Zano

Pubs Vs. Clubs: The Case Against a Woman’s Right to Vote

Throughout my journeys, I’ve encountered many candidates for the quintessential pub. I’m talking about those uber-bars with gritty style and spirited atmosphere, witty hip characters, stimulating conversations, and delicious beer. I’ve noticed that these greatest of taverns often experience the one same problem—lack of single women.

I’ve reflected deeply on this phenomenon, very deeply (zip). What were we talking about?

Oh yeah, why don’t single chicks hangout at cool spots? Perhaps these establishments promote an offensive vibe, and that’s the reason for these ladies’ absence? Is it possible that these floozies have been made to feel uncomfortable at these greatest of gin joints? But when I investigated into the sleazy, tacky places where these wenches did frequent…well, I realized that it was just the opposite. For some reason (possibly a deep-seeded inferiority: PDSI) American women tend to hangout at culturally dead and often sexually degrading places. They just love paying cover charges for a disco DJ with pumping primal porno music and a dance floor filled with body rubbing rejects. Wow, I feel rewarded after that stop. The ladies love it. Or how about we hangout at a big stale subdivided lounge with social cliques so tight that you have to pull your cheeks apart to fart.

“Excuse me miss, maybe you’d like to checkout the cool brewpub with yummy beers and free live jamming music next door? Or there’s the stylish pub with great beverages and characters rocking beyond last call. We’ve got a hippy bar with the best jukebox in town and an outdoor beer garden. And don’t forget the casual corner bar…Oh, you’re meeting all of your female friends at the Sugar Shack. Great.

Why do women spend their time and money the way that they do?

The answer hides within the occult history and evolution of the sexes. The phenomenon of sex first emerged outside of a Neolithic nightclub—that they called ‘caves’—as a survival pump for the purpose of propagating the species toward light beer and bad music. This archaic impulse when harnessed through primitive tribal ceremonies—that they called ‘happy hours’—drove our ancestors toward rabid cannibalism and virgin sacrifices—that they called ‘fun.’ At this level of sexual development our urges are powerful, yet brutal. Women in ancient cultures learned that their safety depended on keeping men tangled in endless competition. In order to stay elusive they developed the survival mechanism of social shape-shifting from one identity to another. This ‘identity-shifting’ is etched deep inside women’s psyches. Men refer to this phenomenon as ‘two faced,’ ‘cock tease,’ or ‘lying scumbag bitch whore’ (LSBW).

As tribal communities arose, sexual consciousness focused on issues of survival, protection, childbearing, power, and ladies’ nights. The male warrior became identified as the protector of his female, but the woman was also identified as his possession. From this place of power, traditional kingdoms and chivalrous etiquette refined the blade of law through the social instrument of marriage. The Enlightenment then sparked the romantic expansion beyond individual identity. Personal freedom of expression now blossomed in these beautiful women who were previously mandated to the role of the subordinate. The growing educational and economic opportunities granted women expanding choices to direct her own destiny (stripper, prostitute, or battered housewife). The baby boomer revolution climaxed with uninhibited sexual experimentation (bondage, sadomasochism, or erotic asphyxiation). Now at the integralist’s level, we taste the joy of true liberation and realize that our own attachments (many of them sexually driven) have imprisoned us in our daily delusions. I recommend genital mutilation.

The history of human sexual development must be recognized, integrated, and transcended if we hope to salvage civilization and evolve into higher frequencies of sex, love, and culture. It’s not just our foreign policy that has inspired Islam to wage Holy War against the Big Satan; it’s our cultural complacency and decadence. You ladies have the difficult task of soul-searching beyond your ego’s habit of identity hopping. As you do so, you will realize just how much you invest in cultural pornography.

Yes, pornography.

Pornography is any cultural expression—TV, movie, music, literature, website, theatre, pubs, and clubs—that, by its nature, leads to a dulling, degeneracy, or complacency of those involved….you dirty skanky shit pouch, you. Pornography is any device of entertainment that inhibits people’s natural and healthy growth toward individual and cultural enrichment. Shit pouch!

How can we best bring about this cultural awakening of which I speak?

It’s time that you ladies started making more mature decisions regarding atmosphere, beverage, and music selection. Remember, you hold the power. You’ve just been stuck in a rut for an epoch or two. Please allow me to guide you on a tour of the town’s rising hot spots. Let’s crack this party to life as art waves wailing across the cosmos and then back to my place for the finale (I take my eggs medium, my homefries crispy, my coffee black, and my women in crotchless sheep costumes).

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear ghetto Shaman,

I am a fellow shaman and find myself confused, even appalled, by some of your teachings. I too have spoken to the spirit plants. They almost universally implore us to avoid alcohol, sugar, salt, and even sex, so how do you justify your last ‘healing retreat’ entitled: Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.

Sincerely,

Lamas Gitomachus

Dear Lamas,

There are many different plants and, therefore, many different interpretations. Perhaps you are not as enlightened as you claim. Next you’ll be knocking my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Why don’t you try listening to cannabis sometime, Medicine Man, preferably with a bag of chips. 

The Ghetto Shaman.

Study Finds Obese Children at Greater Risk for Fat Jokes

A recent non-experimental study conducted at Washington Middle School suggests a rotund correlation between heavier children and lipid-related peer-scrutiny (LRPS).  Actually, it was more of a survey, really…OK, we stopped some fat kid in the hall, but we really feel there is something to this.

Top Ten Failed Football Mascots

  1. The Boston Stranglers
  2. The Detroit Gusty Autumn Breezes
  3. The Seattle Strap-Ons
  4. The Portland Plague
  5. The Phoenix Flash Fires
  6. The Annapolis Anthraxers
  7. The Mississipi Mad Cows
  8. New Orleans Dikes
  9. The Mass. Extinctions
  10. The Tulsa Gold-Medal Fair Bunnies

The Once and Future Nepotist

Mick Zano

Is our current democracy contaminated by nepotism?  While history is fraught with examples, historians consistently damn this dubious practice. When kings appoint their dimwitted sons instead of their most able men to lead them, the empire invariably quakes and crumbles like a fruit cobbler in a centrifuge.

If you don’t believe in the cyclic patterns of history, then try this on for size.  Anyone remember Marcus Aurelius, arguably one of the greatest emperors in Roman history?  He chose his moronic son, Commodus, as his successor and, well, I think they eventually named the commode after him.  (I’m guessing his first name was probably Loo or John, or maybe Crapper John A.D., but I digress…)

Never heard of Marcus Aurelius?  How about Julius Nepos?  You know… the inspiration behind the word “nepotism.” He ascended to the throne in 474 AD, and he was only crowned because he was the nephew of another emperor—and could belch the entire alphabet in Roman numerals (backwards). As one of his first fateful decisions, he chose Orestes to command the Roman Army.  Apparently a big Musharrif fan, Orestes soon ran Nepos out of town during a coup.  In 475 AD, Orestes placed his own 14-year-old son, Romulus Augustus, on the throne.  A few years later, in the immortal words of Porkelus Pigelus, “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

See any parallels today?  George Herbert Walker Bush, a self-made commander-in-chief like Orestes, wins the Gulf War and eventually banishes Julius Clinton from the White House by placing his own son, Incurious George (emotionally only 14 years old) on the throne. And once again, “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

Even more compelling is this: Both Commodus and Augustus were born-again Pagans who successfully dodged the Hunnic wars by joining the Palace Guard Reserves.  OK, I made that part up.  But regarding the Rome’s last imperial rulers, Wikipedia notes that they “had a much more tenuous connection to the land and its traditional cultures than the Republic’s peasant farmers had had. These rich men enjoyed the wealth that poured in from Rome’s conquered provinces…”

Is this ringing any bells yet? Certainly not the Liberty Bell.  Fast-forward a few centuries, and now we’d have better luck fixing Humpty Dumpty with a barbwire egg beater than salvaging the rule of law.  The Bill of Rights and the systems of checks and balances that once sustained our precious liberties have been hijacked — not by Bush Jr., but by the head of another Senate Dick…or dickhead, if you will.

Do rotating family monarchies really work in a republic?  I mean, it’s worked sooo well lately.  I’m talking to you John Quincy Adams.  Is nepotism leading us to a hereditable monarchy? Or, is it leading us to even bigger words than hereditable…perhaps hereditarianistic? Now, back to our dynasties for a moment: Was FDR power hungry, or simply unskilled at counting?  Thankfully, his Full-Term-for-Each-Initial-Plus-One-for-Good-Luck amendment was eventually overturned, much to the chagrin of George HWB.  Post-FDR, an amendment was passed to limit a person’s stay in the big house to two four-year terms.  This was done to keep our executive branch from becoming despotic and long-named.  After witnessing the Clinton and Bush dynasties, do we need to revisit the FDR amendment? Just think how many years the Clintons could remain in office if they were to pass their own multi-initial amendment!  WJC + HRC = …well, you do the math, JFK!  What if Hillary in 2012 passes the Equal-Initial amendment and her middle initial becomes fair game?

Our Electoral College system simply does not work the way our forefathers intended on ethanol.  A dysfunctional two-party system has developed, powered by political connections, family affiliations, money, and Thai hookers.  (Sorry, it’s the only way I could work them in this week.)  By handing down money, political connections, and affiliations, we forfeit free and fair elections.  Furthermore, this marital arrangement between the Clintons is obviously a way to circumvent our term limits.  I say “arrangement,” because I believe this is a political marriage of convenience.  And as for the Bush family…they may not share a bed, but they do share a Dick (and several other advisors).

I feel that this topic needs to be addressed now, not later, or else it’s Hillary again in 2012. We need to seriously look at nepotism in our government, as well as this trend toward dynastic monarchies. We need to pass new laws limiting such encroachments on our democracy.  This proposed legislation should be called the I-Live-in-Fear-of-Chelsea amendment.

Of course, I would be willing to forgo my campaign if Nancy Reagan would consider joining the Republican ticket. But alas, she’s already gone and just said, “No.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My ayahuasca connection is currently a prisoner of the Rehab Gods. Since you are known for your alternative and more affordable tripping techniques, do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Smokin’ Joe

Dear Smokin’ Joe,

Try Nutmeg, Robitusin DM, and Mad Dog 20/20 (preferably banana red).  Remember to focus all of your energies on the Dharma and the Greg. Ah, and don’t forget—911 for all emergencies.

The Ghetto Shaman