Man Hastens Plastic Decomposition While Keeping Family Fed

The MacNama family of Gaithersburg, MD, is now eating seven to ten plastic bags every day in the hope of stretching their ever-shrinking grocery budget.  The bread winner of the family, Fred MacNama, feels “much better” since he started ingesting grocery bags.  Apparently, plastic bags are an excellent source of polyethylene, which one study, conducted by the makers of polyethylene, suggests is non-toxic and arguably roughage. 

“I am saving money, I feel fuller, and I’m doing something for the planet” states MacNama.

Scientists posit that if more people ate their plastic bags, digestive enzymes could shave nearly a century off of the estimated 1,000 year decomposition rate—to say nothing of the potential benefit to our population problem.

Franco-Swiss “Research” Alliance Will Create Earth-Swallowing Black Hole!

L. Wolfe

Franco-Swiss “Research” Alliance Will Create Earth-Swallowing Black Hole!
By L. Wolfe

The French and Swiss governments unveiled a new weapon of mass destruction costing in excess of nine billion dollars. This weapon, the most terrible and destructive force ever conceived by man, will soon swallow the Earth in a man-made black hole. Those of the mind that France is already a stinking black hole will not be entirely surprised by this development.

This massive superweapon has been developed with the financial aid of the European Union and the United States under the name “Large Hadron Collidor” (with the spiffy – yet fairly unimaginative – abbreviation of LHC). This supposed physics experiment is designed to find the Higgs Boson particle and to study high energies like those present during the Big Bang. Higgs Boson? Nine billion…to look for something that sounds like it hails from Hazzard County? Ge-ge-ge, I’m going to get those Higg Bosons ge-ge-ge.

It has been said that results of experiments using the LHC could prove Superstring, Grand Unified, or the Hawking Wet Dream (HWD), theory.

What is it?

The Large Hadron Collidor is a giant machine located on the border of France and Switzerland. The LHC consists of a 27 km circular “tube” at the European physics research facility known as CERN. Essentially, it is used to accelerate particles to very high speeds and energies, crash them into targets, and study what happens.

What is it really?

A weapon.

How does it work?

Imagine I give you a fancy watch, say a Rolex, and ask you to tell me exactly what it’s made of. I give you no tools and make you wear boxing gloves. How can you do it? Well, you could throw it against a brick wall and study the pieces on the floor. (In this analogy, you = LHC, and the Rolex = a particle.)

What is it Supposed to do?

In Search of the ge-ge-ge Higgs Boson

The Higgs Boson is the holy grail for particle physicists in their on-going quest for the meaning of life via the life of Brian. Fine, you try working all of the Python movies into a single sentence sometime, wise guy. The Higgs Boson is a crazy particle that only exists, theoretically, at very high energies. Current particle accelerators can generate the energies required to create a Higgs Boson, but it’s unlikely to actually happen. So how does this translate? Nine billion and we only get Boson? Or part of Boson? I never even liked him anyway (hours of my life waiting for a brief Daisy Duke short shot. Butt I digress). The probability of finding Higgs or Boson is so low that no one has ever even seen a Higgs Boson in all the years of operating these high-energy, high cost particle accelerators. Although, one scientist from the Oak Ridge National Laboratory claims that one of the ‘o’s from the Higgs Boson may have rolled behind his desk during a staff x-mas party.

In order to increase the probability of finding one of these rarest of particles, we need a higher energy accelerator than anything yet in operation. Enter the French and their half baked plans to destroy mother GAIA by hurling her subatomic children at the proverbial wall. Besides, what’s the big deal with this Higgs Boson anyway? Well, it has to do with the gauge invariant piece of the Standard Model of Particle Physics. What the hell is that, you ask? Apparently, there is broken-gauge-symmetry with respect to the electroweak force (one of the two fundamental forces of nature). Huh? Well, in order to explain this breaking of gauge invariance there needs to be another field, these are called the Higgs field, which eventually get us to the Higgs particle. If the Higgs field actually exists, then all is well in the Universe. If the Higgs particle is found not to exist, something else must have rolled under that desk back at Oak Creek. Physicists refer to The Higgs field and Higgs particle as minimalist theories. A minimalist theory is the simplest explanation for a phenomenon, which may well be related to ‘Occam’s Ferret,’ but don’t quote me on that (Wikipedia is down).

What makes the LHC a Suspected Superweapon?

First of all, its name is misleading. Is it a Large Collider of Hadrons or is it a Collider of Large Hadrons? This double speak proves this deceptive rouse is actually a superweapon designed to swallow the earth.

Second, the French are involved, and everyone knows that the French are elitists bent on global domination. With this superweapon they won’t need to actually fight anyone, they’ll just suck the Earth into black holed oblivion, along with their own Sartre-like nihilistic asses. No good existential hump wads (EHW).

Third, particle accelerators already exist around the world that can produce energies adequate for studying all of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd generation particles. Why go any further, especially on the first date?

Fourth, there is no need for such a facility, and here’s why. The Standard Model of Particle Physics, proposed in the 1960’s, is essentially unchanged. This is a highly accurate theory that has been tried and tested for over 40 years—truly an amazing achievement. We can now describe and predict almost all aspects of how the universe works on the smallest scale. In fact, it’s only at very high energies in very unique circumstances that the Standard Model of Particle Physics runs into some very minor discrepancies. It’s so good, in fact, that it has been used to accurately calculate the dimensionless magnetic moment (g-factor) of an electron to 13 decimal places 2.0023193043622. How accurate is that, you may ask? Here’s an analogy:

Let’s say you were going to drive 10,000 miles south from Anchorage, Alaska— exactly 10,000 miles, with an accuracy of 13 decimal places. I want you to tell me where you would end up.

Figure 1. Punta Arenas, Chile

You may say you’ll end up in South America somewhere. That’s accurate to about 1 decimal place. You may say you’ll end up in Chile somewhere. That’s accurate to about 2 decimal places. You may say you’ll end up in Punta Arenas, Chile. Now we’re talking, you’re really honing in on it! That’s accurate to about 3 decimal places. Nice place by the way, Punta Arenas. Lovely red-light district.

Anyway, assume you want to predict where in Punta Arenas you’ll arrive. How about at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes? That’s accurate to about 6 decimal places. You may say you want to arrive at the base of the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas. That’s good to about 7 decimal places.

So how close would you need to be to get to 12 decimal places of accuracy over your 10,000 mile trip? In order to be accurate to 12 decimal places, you would have to predict your final location to within the width of a human hair!

Figure 2. Statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes

Why did I run you through this exercise? Anything we could potentially find out from the experiments at the LHC could only improve our accuracy in describing and predicting our universe to the 14th decimal place. It’s not going to change anything in those first 13 decimal places. Nine billion dollars for one measly decimal place! These experiments will provide no practical benefit for you and I. It’s as useful as predicting our arrival destination at the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas after driving from Anchorage Alaska to within 1/10 of the width of a human hair.

Seems there must be a little more to this Franco-Swiss project, perhaps a military application, hmmm?

Besides, did I mention the French are involved?

Enola Gay Flown Over Iraqi Airspace: Drops Thousands of ‘Hint, Hint’ Flyers

Is the Bush Administration once again ramping up its rhetoric to provoke a war with Iran? Bush denies purposely inciting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and defends his recent statement to the press that the Iranian leader is a “homophobic camel-humping fascist.” Bush defends this statement as simply a term of endearment, like when he gazes into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and calls him ‘yum, yum bunny,’ or how he still refers to former Prime Minister Tony Blair as his ‘little Britzu.’

Jesus’ Agenda Found!

In a cave near Tikrit, Iraq, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Brasserie, has unearthed a scroll revealing Jesus’ agenda. “This is huge,” claims Dr. Hogbein, “like the ‘second coming’ all over again.”

P.U.B.B. (Poets United for a Better Barroom)

A cultural parasite festers within the taverns and barrooms of America. Machinery grinds at our souls and sucks at our wallets. When the internet jukebox first hit the scene, we were lured by the unlimited access to songs and the improved sound quality.

Of course there would be inherent costs to these cutting edge  ‘improvements’.  We knew up front that we’d be paying more for each selection and still more for the dubious super-search option. And just consider how often these jukeboxes falter to the whims of the internet gods…but don’t worry, it never fails to take your money.

The time has arrived for all citizens, patrons, bar owners, and staff to stand up and demand that this mechanistic monster of malaise be barred for life! I’m calling for a return to the old school jukeboxes. Bring back the CDs, or the Happy Days 45s, or why not give the short-lived 8-track jukebox another whirl? I’m ready to grab some bottles and cans and start clapping my hands. I’m Rick James, bitch.

The bars and taverns are at the heart of our democracy. It is here within the American barroom where constitutional principles first arose. In times of national and international crises, we return to the bars to reestablish the roots of American greatness. Belch. Not only does a Barroom Bill of Rights facilitate justice, it also fosters respect and dignity amongst the clientele and staff. Fart.

All persons, including patrons, owners, employees, and drunks have un-ale-ianable rights to life, festivity and the pursuit of lapdance chicks (what were talking about?). These rights may only be infringed upon if the person’s actions violate the barroom rules that apply to all. It is the behavior, not the person that is to be targeted by bouncers. Therefore it is not appropriate for a person to be expelled from the bar because he is deemed ‘weird’ or ‘a jerk’ or because theperson is simply intoxicated. It is appropriate to ask a person to leave for hitting, inappropriate touch, harassment, profanity, dress code violations, property damage or the over Abbafication of your jukebox selections. Specific behaviors that led to the expulsion must be provided (preferably in song, or, better yet, epic poetry).  Thus, a written explanation will be presented to the ejectee and a copy sent to a mediator (I’ll take a crack at it) to rule on its barroom constitutionality.

The bartender and staff always reserve the right to refuse service of alcohol for any or no reason, unless this refusal of service is based on racial, religious, or sexual discrimination.

All advertised pints must be at least 16 ounces. A pint should always be cheaper per once, than a mug. A pitcher should always be cheaper than a pint. And hear ye, hear ye, from this day forth all jukeboxes, young or old, are required to display the number of unplayed songs that have been selected, or else the bartender must give the customer his money back.

There you have it. And back to the music for a moment. I’m frankly tired of plugging five dollars into the jukebox at midnight to later find it shutoff at 2AM with no ‘Mr. Roboto.’ Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret…

  • Article 1:Lose the ‘play now’ option? Just because some guy’s got money to burn, doesn’t give him the right to burn me!  The problem’s plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.
  • Article 2:The right to bare women
  • Article 3:Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo.

Obama Clarifies PA Misstatement: Meant ‘Bible Thumping Hickwads’

While stomping for crowds in central Pennsylvania earlier this week, Senator Obama clarified his unfortunate remarks made earlier in his campaign. “When I said that you Pennsylvanians get bitter, and cling to your guns or religion, I forgot to add drugs and moonshine.” Obama made it clear he wanted to set the record straight, “Many of you young redneck bumpkins are now a bunch of strung-out slack-jawed junkies, and I want you Bible thumping hickwads to know that when I’m elected president I’ll be in your NASCAR-watching opossum-eating corner.”

Today’s Worst Liberal in the World

Mick Zano

Next up on our integral media roundup is none other than MSNBC’s falling star, Keith Olbermann. Two years ago, he would have fared much better.  To his credit, he exposed the Bush administration’s incompetence in painstakingly accurate detail.  Others in the media treaded lightly while W was treading on We the People.  Olbermann was one of the few who took notice and subsequently barked the loudest.  Some of his “special comments” were awe-inspiring.  He had true Edward R. Murrow moments (ERMM), and even his borrowed sign-off did not tarnish the core truth of his attacks.  He expressed what I felt, while the rest of the media was still tentative, cowardly, wrong, or licking Rupert Murdoch’s cock.

Olbermann exposed Bush’s signing statements, Gestapo tactics, false info leading up to the war, secret prisons, torture, indefinite suspension of habeas corpus, and other scandals too numerous to list without the combined efforts of Hal, Skynet, and Deep Thought (HSDT).  But our good friend Olbermann got a little carried away during his end-zone dance.  In fact, he carried the ball clear up into the stands, down the escalators, and out into the parking lot. Cheered by tailgating masses, he continued across the street and through a Laundromat before spiking the pigskin into a municipal dump.

Unfortunately for Olbermann, crusaders tend to grab that pendulum and swing it hard–right past sanity and clear up to the other Hannity.  Olbermann went from sports commentator, to political commentator, to journalist, back to commentator, and finally came to rest in the bin marked “partisan hack.”  During a recent talk between FOX executive Roger Ailes and Barack Obama, Ailes cited Olbermann as “kind of what Hannity is on the right.”  When the right uses you as an example to justify Sean Hannity, it’s “game over,” dude.  You, Keith Olbermann, have become today’s Worst Liberal in the World.

Let’s take a look at our friend Olbermann from the perspective of the integral movement, shall we?  In the subjective/individual (self) quadrant of Ken Wilber’s four-quadrant model–an area featuring a dash of Colbert’s subjective “truthiness” — Olbermann has trouble.  He does believe in his cause and expertly exposes this administration’s transgressions, but he has surrounded himself with “yes” men.  I do applaud his ability to consistently rail against “the man.”  He is the Hawkeye Pierce to Bill O’Reilly’s Frank Burns (who, we all know, eats worms).  You can’t help but cheer on his attacks against the Neidermeyers of the world. (Grade: B–)

In the objective/individual (brain) quadrant, the S.S. Olbermann starts listing to port.  Over the last few years, his TV show has totally eliminated any and all dissent—employing similar tactics to those he criticizes.  He has “jumped the shark” by ignoring the “surge” and by omitting any fact, story, or feature that does not back his investigative commentary turned ideology.  The last eight years have been horrible for America, but this does not excuse his orchestrated ignorance of objectivity (OIO…four dead in OIO).  In the end, these tactics only serve to water down the discourse.  I’m sorry, Keith, but that’s my job.

The “surge” does not absolve all wrongdoing, but it deserves some coverage. It’s the first good news from Iraq in a very long time…at least, since my own charges were dropped in Haditha.  Granted, the progress is tenuous, yet still promising, like when that judge lifted my PFA.  (It’s going to be different this time, honey. Honest.)  In summary, Olbermann focuses only on objective facts from the liberal perspective.  If the surge were to work and if Iraq did somehow morph into a viable friendly democracy, his head would probably explode like an IED. (Grade: C)

Olbermann scores very poorly in the objective/plural (society) quadrant. Any war, just or otherwise, would probably be bludgeoned in the same way by his pacifistic scrutiny.  He has shown little support for the troops, unless in doing so it embarrasses the administration.  There was a time he sought justice; now, caught up in the bloodlust, he has lost his moral compass (like me in Haditha). (Grade: C–)

The subjective/plural (culture) quadrant brings similar problems for Olbermann.  There is a culture war occurring, and ignoring it isn’t working too well in Europe.  You must temper your anger with judgment, young Padawan.  Remember what Yoda said: “Anger leads to hate, and hate leads to FOX.” (Grade: C+)

I think Keith dropped an entire letter grade in about two years. In 2006, he was at his peak.  He was truly brilliant back then.  But, oh, how the mighty have fallen.

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” (Final grade: C)

Republicans, Democrats to Swap Symbology

Pierce Winslow

Ever since the 1870’s cartoons of Thomas Nast the donkey has graphically represented the Democratic party while the elephant has symbolized the Republicans. In a bold move, the RNC and DNC recently announced that they will be switching their iconic beastiality. The annoncement was made at a recent joint news conference.

Vermont Governor Howard Dean, chairman of the DNC stated “In recent years the Democrats have been all about big government and the Republicans have been asses. It just seemed appropriate that we reassign the ass to the Republicans and the elephant to symbolize the Democrats.”

The very elephantic Dennis Hastert

Mike Duncan, chairman of the RNC added “What really clinched it was the addition of Joe “Big Speech” Biden to the Democratic ticket, and of course, the selection of Sarah “Scripted Speech” Palin as John McCain’s running mate. If that wasn’t a classically assinine move by a long-time Republican ass I don’t know what was. It just works on so many levels.”

Not everyone is as enthused about the switch as Duncan and Dean (D&D).

“I don’t see the need for the change. I rather relate to the elephant.” remarked the very elephantic former Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert. “And I’ll have the Colossal Thickburger, large fries and chocolate shake. What do you mean ‘there’s no lunch at this interview’?”

From the other side, Democratic Senator John Kerry was quoted as saying “I actually did vote for it, before I voted against it”. While it’s not certain what he meant by that, we at the Discord believe that Senator Kerry thought that the ass was an appropriate symbol for himself.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When contacting the spirit realms, should I first put a teaspoon of the lye crystals into the bottle of ephedrine and then agitate?

Sincerely,

Fabio 6

Dear Fabio 6,

No, no.  Dude! Stop! You can’t make ayahuasca, man.  You’re making methamphetamine!  In which case you should use only an eighth of a teaspoon of lye crystals.  Meth is usually snorted or injected but, for a more authentic ayahuasca experience, try dissolving it in a rancid birch beer while gnawing on a stick.

The Ghetto Shaman

Bush, Fascism, and the Other ‘N’ Word

Mick Zano

It’s time to put an end to the unfounded accusations that our government is moving toward fascism.  Most people probably don’t even know the real definition. Fascism involves an unhealthy enmeshment between corporations and government.  For instances, Bush’s entrepreneurial buddies throwing Enron-like parties at the taxpayer’s expense and leaders waging wars while sitting on the boards of profiting companies…unrelated stuff like that.

Let’s go back in history.  When Adolf Hitler was 19, he traveled to Vienna to enroll in a prestigious art school, but he was denied admission.  This is reason enough to accept anyone to any art school regardless of talent, money, or tendency to sculpt headless puppies.  I only mention this because, well, how would history have changed if Hitler had been admitted into that art school?  We might have avoided so much senseless tragedy—like his frivolous avant-garde stencil period, which many found to be ‘tripe,’ and ‘ghastly.’  In contrast, Bush never went to art school, but he did snort coke with a guy named Art at school.   Apparently, Julio was in rehab.

During Hitler’s rise to power, he began quelling any and all dissent by declaring people who opposed his views as “enemies of the state,” probably starting with his art critics.  FOX News’ Sean Hannity (White House propagandist extraordinaire) has also referred to his political foes as “enemies of the state” during his hit show Hannity’s America.  He was forced to change the title to “enemies of the week” upon receiving a memo from the Vice President with only the words, “Subtlety, dumbkopf!” Hannity’s show is must-see TV.  No really.  You have to watch it…now.

Meanwhile, back in Germany, Hitler hijacked the judiciary, the radio, and the press in short order.   But, the Bush Administration only revamped the Justice Department to include ‘more agreeable sorts,’ ignored the legislative branch with signing statements, and only really owns FOX News, AM radio, and parts of Katie Couric.  So there is still plenty of opposition from cable news, several Jewish comedians, and certain disreputable e-zines like the Daily Discord.

We really need to do something about those Jewish comedians.

In Mein Kampf—which I believe can be roughly translated by non-German speaking comedic journalists as ‘my puppy’—Hitler was actually quoted as saying, “The receptivity of the great masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous.”  This is precisely why I voted for Al Edwards in 2003…if only he hadn’t been waterboarded by those fraudulent Korean Vet bastards!

“In consequence of these facts,” Hitler continues, “all effective propaganda must be limited to a very few points and must harp on these in slogans until the last member of the public understands what you want him to understand by your slogan.” The Bush administration’s behaviors bear little resemblance to such crass tactics.  Reminding people constantly that we are ‘fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here,’ and, ‘read my lips, she was over 18 officer,’ is just sound politics.

Hitler goes on to say: “And only after the simplest ideas are repeated thousands of times will the masses finally remember them.” Even Hitler could not have foreseen just how much repetition it would take for things to sink into the skull and bones of one George W. Bush.  But did Hitler foresee such future events?  It might explain his ‘No Fuhrer Left Behind’ program, passed in 1932.  I’m sure it is just a coincidence that over 60% of the US still believes Iraq was responsible for 9-11 and that a clear link exists between Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  As it turns out, if you topple Iraq’s government, Al-Qaeda flows in over the border.  See the connection?  And they called Bush mad…

In 1933 it is suspected that Hitler arranged the bombing of the Reichstag, which was apparently some German embassy, or possibly a jelly donut.  Ich bin ein Reichstagger!  The would-be Fuhrer dubbed this fiery incident as an act of terrorism, and immediately started playing Scherenschnitte with the German constitution (Today’s bonus word, kids, is Scherenschnitte: a cool paper-art craft thingie).  After the incident, Hitler indefinitely suspended Habeas Corpus, which he felt was a “silly word anyway,” and believed it should “not only be suspended, but should not be allowed back on school property” (rough translation).

Bush did nothing of the sort after 9-11.  Well, he did do all of that, but only to keep us safe (on the bright side, look at the cool snowflakes he made from the Bill of Rights).  There are many who feel 9-11 was an inside job, but Bush couldn’t orchestrate a Comedy Central roast of Paul Wolfowitz, let alone pull off anything this big.  So give it a rest.  What was his plan?  Hey, I’ll pretend to be reading a book to children while the towers fall, heh, heh, heh.  Let’s face it, reading is just not a plausible alibi for incurious George.

After the Reichstag bombing, Hitler circled the wagons, became incredibly secretive, and started a new department called Homeland Security.  Although, I admit this seems vaguely reminiscent of recent events in America, just look at the German version: Vaterland Sicherheit.  See?  Granted it means Homeland Security, but in Bush’s defense, the German version bears little resemblance.

With that pesky Habeas Corpus out of the way, Hitler created some secret prisons and expanded the Secret Police’s standard interrogation techniques, Versch ärfte Vernehmung, to include stress positions, sleep deprivation, and waterboarding. Oh, wait, they didn’t officially include waterboarding, as that would clearly be torture and they could get themselves into a real international pressure-cooker if they admitted to that.   The Gestapo really dodged an electrode to the nad on that one.

Another key component to the Nazi’s success was the religious right.  Hitler used religious leaders to spread his peace, love, and fascism throughout Deutschland.  The entire Discord research division could not draw a single parallel to what’s happening today.  That could never happen here!  Unless we started some type of Club with, say, 700 of our closest friends.  What should we call this club? Hmmm.

Hitler, as you recall, was a big fan of Nietzsche, and Bush’s favorite philosopher is, of course, Jesus.  Nietzsche believed God is dead, Jesus equals God, and therefore Bush is God, right?  This is called the Sowhatic Method.  I’m being told to end this now…They are insisting.  One more voice silenced in Hannity’s America.  Sadly, most of the stuff in this article is accurate, except the part about the girl being 18 years of age, that schweinhund!