Ozzy Sues Sabbath Tribute Band for Plagiarism

“Those are my god damn f^&#ing mother f*$%ing words!” screamed Ozzy Osbourne after The War Pigs—a Black Sabbath Tribute band—completed their first set at The Zone last Friday night in a lower Manhattan bar.  As the lead singer attempted to explain that The War Pigs are a tribute-band, a major brawl ensued.  Ultimately Ozzy was ejected from the establishment along with several of is pharmacists.  Mr. Osbourne immediately filed a plagiarism lawsuit against The War Pigs and vows not to “bite the head off of anything” until this situation is resolved to his satisfaction.

Breaking Wind

L. Wolfe

People are breaking wind in a big way these days.  Wind breaking for energy means big bucks.  Some analysts estimate $20,000 per back acre a year in royalties (if you can convince your neighbors to put up with the unpleasantries).  Beyond that, you can rent portions of your back acreage to others, allowing them to break wind as well, and substantially increase your earnings.

Some say we’re missing a key market sector in the U.S. by ignoring our ability to break wind. “U.S. wind should be way passed gas,” stated entrepreneur Gus T. Breece at a recent energy conference.  “Germany and Spain have developed their wind way beyond our current capacity, and they don’t have nearly as much wind as we do.  Americans are the windiest,” continued Breece. “I do not know if it’s our fast-food diets, all the high-fructose corn syrup, or Rush Limbaugh, but we definitely have more wind than any other country.”

Wind to energy is an increasingly viable option for this country.  The central part of the United States has a strong wind corridor that goes from Pampa, Texas, to the Canadian border. In addition, it is the best location from a security and safety standpoint.  The chart below shows the highest potentials for breaking wind in the U.S.

<div class="teaser">Estimates of the wind resource are expressed in wind power classes ranging from class 1 to class 7, with each class representing a range of mean wind power density or equivalent mean speed at specified heights above the ground. Areas designated class 4 or greater are suitable with advanced wind turbine technology under development today. Power class 3 areas may be suitable for future technology. Class 2 areas are marginal and class 1 areas are unsuitable for wind energy devel” /></td>
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Estimates of the wind resource are expressed in wind power classes ranging from class 1 to class 7, with each class representing a range of mean wind power density or equivalent mean speed at specified heights above the ground. Areas designated class 4 or greater are suitable with advanced wind turbine technology under development today. Power class 3 areas may be suitable for future technology. Class 2 areas are marginal and class 1 areas are unsuitable for wind energy development. Source: USDOE.

 Breaking wind is catching on.  Just this month alone there were wind breaking ceremonies held at over 150 new turbine sites.  A leading spokesman, Sully Haines, from the Fanular Air Rotating Turbine Co. (or F.A.R.T), states “these events bring many people together to celebrate the breaking of wind.”

 “I broke wind in 25 states last year,” said Breece.  “I like to break wind in some of the more remote areas of the country because my wind breaking is generally a larger undertaking than is advisable in more populated areas.”

 Wind breaking is not without its’ shitfalls, however: “We had a real tragedy at one of our wind breaking sites last fall,” sharted Breece.  “It was such a large wind breaking event that over a dozen bald eagles were reportedly killed outright.”  Birds are apparently very susceptible; they can be knocked right out of the sky.  “It’s almost like one of those Biblical stories,” continued Breece. “You know, where birds just drop dead in mid-flight, and end up turning into pillars of salt in burning bushes or something.”

 Wind power is clean, renewable, and abundant.  Currently, just under 1% of all of our electrical power is wind generated (Source: DOE).  By the year 2030, the DOE projects that almost 20% of the U.S. electrical demand will be supplied by wind.  Harnessing all of the potential wind energy in the U.S. with today’s turbine technology would produce over 150% of the total U.S. electrical demand.  As wind technology advances, that potential capacity can only increase.

 So let’s decrease our dependence on foreign oil, people. So let’s get out there and break some wind today.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics?  Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke

Dear Kevin,

Indeed.  There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn’t…like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

Hitch is Not Great: How Rationalists Are Wrong About One Thing

Mick Zano

During my recent interview with Christopher Hitchens, which occurred without his knowing, we—or more accurately, I—discussed his most recent book: God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.  I originally titled this article “Hooray for the Hate-Monger Christopher Hitchens,” but my colleagues eventually nixed that idea.  Still squeamish about my recent Copenhagen foray into political cartooning, I heeded their advice.  I do, in all sincerity, applaud Christopher Hitchens, as both a journalist and a thinker.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the vast majority of his acerbic ruminations on any number of subjects. It is hard to argue with a rationalist, because they, by their very nature, tend to be…er, rational.  However, I cannot endorse the views he espouses in God Is Not Great, nor do I intend to stray into the dubious realms of irrationality.

From the perspective of Don Beck’s Spiral Dynamics theory—wherein various levels of human consciousness are color-coded—Hitchens is cheering the move from blue (fundamentalism) to orange (entrepreneurial/rational).  From the perspective of human development, this is a move in the right direction and—perhaps more importantly—better matches my vest.  Hitchens reports, in damning detail, the overwhelming short-sightedness of certain organized religious endeavors, namely, all of them.  He champions the exposure of that which is dogmatic and dangerous, and I agree that the world would indeed be a better place without all of today’s endless Faith Based Stupidity (FBS).

In college I would have heeded his clarion call, ditched my Jesus-shaped air freshener, and sported my atheistic animosity with pride.  In my 20s, I, too, discovered the inherent illogic and endless contradictions riddling Catholicism.  I should point out that made me a late bloomer by Hitchens’ standards, as he was already pointing out Old Testament inconsistencies at age nine (the erudite little shit).  Not to be outdone, I managed to trick a DJ into playing “Hell’s Bells” at my church confirmation dance (true story).  We will let you decide, fair reader, which accomplishment is more important to humanity.

I find Hitchens’ omission of a segment on enlightenment and spirituality very telling.  On that front, he offers nothing, nada, nichts!  Not even a cursory glance at the possibility of something beyond his curmudgeonly cosmopolitanism.  “Our place in the cosmos is so unimaginably small,” Hitchens asserts, “that we cannot, with our miserly endowment of cranial matter, contemplate it for long at all.”  First off, leave my apartment and my brain capacity out of this!  Second, here is where millions may beg to differ:  What about meditation?  Or gnawing on Amazonian roots during a nude Yoga session?  Oh wait, I promised not to do this…

Let’s stick to rationality.  Hitchens profusely thanks Peter and Rosemary Grant—two Princeton-based evolutionary biologists following in Darwin’s footsteps—by saying, “We are in their debt.  Their lives were harsh, but who could wish that they had mortified themselves in a holy cave or on top of a sacred pillar instead?”  I found his rhetorical question quite interesting, considering that mankind’s first art surfaced via tripping primeval cave-dwelling shamans (TPCDS).  In fact, such troglodytes not only created the world’s first art, but arguably lifted humanity from the Neolithic realms outright.  These postulations are being embraced not only by crackpots like The Daily Discord’s Ghetto Shaman, but by mainstream archeologists, using that pesky scientific method of theirs.  Perhaps if the Grants squatted in a cave long enough, they would have gained even deeper insights into the animals they studied. The latest research in physics, consciousness studies, and emotional intelligence are compelling, but hardly reductionist.

The real heavyweight round came when Hitchens turned his grievous Gatling gun on Buddhism.  (In all fairness, he did give the Dalai Lama a ten-second head start.)  It’s actually fairly short chapter.  The first half can be summarized as “My Terrible Experience in Some Buddhist Rip-Off Retreat,” while the second half portrays the Dalai Lama rolling around in defeat, cupping his nads.  I do believe, Mr. Hitchens, that a weekend at Bangkok Bernie’s does not a religion make.  

Hitchens takes exception to the claim that the Dalai Lama is preordained to rule, and chides the exiled leader of Tibet for hanging around with the likes of Richard Gere.  I have to say, I am in complete agreement with Hitch on this one…I mean, come on, Richard Gere?  The book does shed considerable light on some of the historical problems that Buddhism had faced.  At his best, Hitchens is exposing the vast array of history’s faithular faux pas (“Faithular” is a word; I saw it on The Colbert Report).

Hitchens concludes with a scathing assessment of Nirvana-seekers (the spiritualist kind, not the band groupies), proclaiming that they “may believe that they are leaving the realm of the despised materialism, but they are in fact putting their reason to sleep and discarding their minds along with their sandals.”

He is simply wrong on this point.  The Buddhist debate is legendary and logical.  Believers following the dharma typically counted their breaths, meditated, and attained a deeper understanding of the world and the Universe (not to mention Thai hookers).  The Dalai Lama is not afraid of scientific discourse.  In fact, it is an interest of his (science, not hookers).  He welcomes Western scientific knowledge and its capacity to prove or disprove Buddhist assertions by putting them through the rigors of scientific testing.  In fact, the Dalai Lama proposes that any aspect of the dharma to be proven false should be stuffed in a small sock and mailed to the Pope.

Hitchens, like most men of Western science, has always placed the objective on a pedestal and the subjective in the shitter. But beware “rationalists,” for these turd-crusted subjective realms are no longer so easily flushable, especially in the wake of certain “enlightening” studies.  The work of Daniel Goleman follows the discourse between a group of Western scientists and Tibetan Buddhists on the subject of destructive emotions.  When you have a well-trained objective interviewer and a well-trained subject hooked up to a neuro-imaging machine, we go beyond what is commonly dismissed as “subjective.”

Hitchens, apparently oblivious to such endeavors, at one point railed against scripture for imploring its disciples to banish any impure thoughts: “If God really wanted people free of such thoughts, he should have taken more care to invent a different species.”  The latest neuro-imaging techniques on the brains of habitual meditators and Buddhist monks are finding this “new species.”  These individuals seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to avoid common negative emotional pitfalls on a neural level!  They are not faking it.

Hitchens himself admits that the human brain is a “work in progress.”  So why discount the beliefs of those whose brains seem to be more disciplined, more organized, and functioning more efficiently?  A bevy of other recent studies suggest meditation increases blood flow to the brain and even thickens the cerebral cortex itself (but in a good way)!  Meditative practices can also combat pain, reduce stress, and boost the immune system.  Introspection and subjective techniques have produced observable/objective improvements in the function of the brain.  Looks like the William James gang rides again!

“What does this have to do with religion?” I can almost hear Hitchens mutter.  Well, Mr. Mutterer, the vast majority of these new and improved sapiens tend to catch glimpses of an ordered universe in these “subjective” states.  They see further and clearer; and, although much of their visions are inherently ineffable, a vivid picture of the universe emerges—an order almost ubiquitous amongst this brand of meditators, or Meditoranians, as Dr. Sterling Hogbein calls them.

This movement is growing and not, as in the case of Islam, by sheer numbers alone.  It is perpetually improving itself by incorporating Western thought to encompass and transcend what has come before it.  A person with an enlightened perspective would agree with many of this book’s claims and conclusions, for they are historically accurate and, therefore, irrefutable.  But I might suggest approaching this issue from a more integral perspective.  In other words, I’ll bring the booze, Hitch, and you bring the Thai hookers.

For Appeal O.J. Requests His First Jury

Along with several requests, including access to off track betting, his bookie, and a cellmate that looks like his first wife, O.J. Simpson has requested that his first jury be reunited for his upcoming appeal.

Haunted Gettysburg

Mick Zano

The night was moist and clingy like a BBQ-sauce-smeared wet nap. A damp chill hung in the air like a BBQ-sauce-smeared wet nap. OK, I’m out of similes. I got nothing. As fate would have it, there were far too many eateries and drinkeries within walking distance of our hotel to do any justice to the ghosts of Gettysburg. In a spirits vs. spirits grudge-match in my world, the carboxyl group version trumps ectoplasm every time. Some people shake at the sight of spirits; I shake when I don’t get enough of the other kind.

In preparation for our Gettysburg ghost hunt, I asked my wife to pack the Ouija board. We had planned to hold a candlelight vigil—illegally at midnight—in Gettysburg battlefield (and throw in some of that chocolate body frosting for good measure, sweetie). For those appalled by the imagery, remember, this is a spooky article. If you really can’t handle it, just think of my wife.

Armed with the latest paranormal research
equipment, my wife checks out some dudes

As it turns out, we had not packed the Ouija board, but instead packed the kid’s Jumanji game (I can’t make this stuff up, people). Well, at least it wasn’t Monopoly—we own the Pokeman edition, which I am reasonably convinced would be an affront to all spirits lurking in the Gettysburg region. Jumanji is at least a scary movie, so the themed board game could potentially work to our favor. You see? Aside from my incessant negativity, I am the eternal optimist. Now, if I had only brought Pokey’s bongos.

Armed with only an umbrella, a board game, a semi-chewed wad of gum, and some small bits of string, we headed toward the Devil’s Den. Prior to the Civil War massacres, the American Indians had already deemed the place “heap spooky.” It did warm my heart to discover that the gazillion Americans, who had butchered each other there, did so to the back drop of some pretty groovy free-standing boulders. Apparently, a primeval snake, called the devil, inhabited the place while feeding on unsuspecting tourists throughout the eighties.

As we approached that dreaded domain, an exigent fear crept into our souls like an eldritch cloud of necrophagous shadows. Amidst a foul unearthly stretch of hillside, above the ghoulish din of the myriad of Gettysburg ghost tourers, we heard the whirring and flapping of huge membranous wings. A church bell tolled thrice in the distance before an Angus Young rift split the night (Sorry, Hells Bells is my ring tone).

“Ah, yeah Dave, I’m in the battlefield now—covering the story. You’re not coming? And you say ‘m’ abstains? Loser.”

As I hung-up on loser man, a smell beyond putridity escaped from the most unfathomable, ineffable depths of that ancient necropolis.

Note to self: never eat the chili dogs at Ernie’s Texas Lunch.

Just after dusk, we played Jumanji amidst the lichen-covered ruins of that dark and terrible place. The game was never finished…we lost the instructions.

Sadly, our investigation revealed very little. We never returned to Devil’s Den for our late night séance (we ran out of body frosting). Instead, we poked around a place known as the “the grove,” where the battle for East Cemetery Street once raged. Besides, it was closer to the pubs. We did get scared witless upon our return to town—the humidor had already closed and only the Lincoln Diner was still serving food. I did catch one green orb in the upper right hand corner of a picture taken in the basement of the Farnsworth Bed & Breakfast. However, our parabnormal research team is convinced the mysterious anomaly is simply the spirit of Kazoo. You know, when the Flintstones ‘jumped the shark’ by adding a Martian to their prehistoric antics.

All things considered, the most frightening place in and around Gettysburg remains Gettybrew, one of the lousiest brewpubs north or south of the Mason Dixon Line. A year earlier, myself and fellow Discordian Pokey McDooris ventured into this spooky joint and, much to our horror, we accidentally ordered two samplers of the beer (served in wine glasses—monstrous, unfinishibly-large wineglasses—for seven dollars a pop. For the love of god, Montrisoure!) Already fourteen dollars in the hole, we could not muster more than a sip from each of the foamlessly flat brews. Ultimately, negotiations from the headless brewer of creepy hollow broke down, when we less than tactfully explained, in American Indian, how the beer “sucked big wampum.”

Years later I can still taste the phantom foam, those haunted hops, and that narley barley of Getttybrew. I still recall the words of that old gypsy barmaid: “Even beer brewed well by day, can become skunked when the skunk bane grows, and the kegs are exposed to light.” Mwahahahaha.

Ancient Skeletal Remains May Just Be Keith Richards

The skeletal remains of a two-thousand year old corpse found buried alongside of a bottle of Smirnoff in the sands of the Philippines, may simply be that of rock icon Keith Richards. The rock legend has been missing since a party held last Friday night.

“Sometimes Mr. Richards gets bombed, other times he gets embalmed,” explained Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop.

The aged archeologist reports that halfway through the excavation Mr. Richards stood up, mumbled something to his crew, and then staggered back toward Manila.  Undeterred by the setback, Hogbein has named the find Homo Britvodkus and announced that “before there was a Java Man, there was a Vodka Man.”

The House Divided

Dave Atsals

Did you back McCain while your significant other supported Obama?   Do you reside in a house divided?  The hard fought campaign still stirs emotions to an amber-level alert.  Sirens blare throughout the nation.  Dinner tables are divided, left verses right.  Double beds are split by the McCain/Obama line.

My not so formal, non-confirmed, occurring sporadically except on X-mas, or NOSEX study proves recent political division has led to the total demise of three formally happy married couples (FHMCs).  Four couples are not speaking, and three others are not consummating the election results.  The fact that this study surveyed only 3 households garnishes suspicion, but, this is the Discord.

In the first house, the wife backed McCain’s anti-abortion stance.  That was all. Nothing else mattered!  Nothing else could have, because she knew nothing else. When I asked her about Earmarks and publically funded elections, she replied, “My tax money shouldn’t go to help people get their ears tattooed.”  The husband voted for Obama, believing that whatever the wife did, the opposite was for the greater good. Can you spell DIVORCE?  The wife couldn’t.

Moving next door to my hard core Republican neighbor’s house, I encountered the same split.  The woman of the house, for Obama, was worried about McCain’s age, and despised Palin.

The female voted for McCain’s experience and loooooved Palin, she stated, “Any one that old has to know a lot.  Besides, I like how Palin winks through the camera.”

They have yet to consummate the election results, nor speak to each other.

As I knocked on the third and last door of my informal survey, it swung open.  I tried not to look inside but couldn’t avoid seeing the election results being consummated right before my very eyes. (My Lord, how does a kitchen table handle such weight?) Later that evening my grandmother stated, “Your grandfather and I do not talk politics.”  Well I guess that explains it, so much for my ‘they really voted for Nader’ theory (TRVFN).

Divisiveness among political views has led to hard feelings, failed marriages, and ended friendships.  At local pubs, dive bars, and one gentlemen’s club, drunken debates (or ‘field work’ as they call it) have surfaced between Daily Discord contributors. These open exchanges of ideas rarely cause Flip Flops in stance. They lead only to hard feelings with no clear cut winner, except the one that yells the loudest and, of course, slips out leaving the bar tab.  It’s all fun and games until someone is barred from their favorite watering hole.

Obama has promised to reach across the aisle and bring everyone together.  In order to do this, he will have to start door to door, preferably at my house.  I will greet him with “Hello Mr. President.  Could you please get my friend Pokey back into Zenos, order Mick to attend Caffeine Anonymous meetings, and remove your line from my bed?  Oh, and one more thing, there are these outstanding bills at a place called the Bullfrog….”

Bush Hopes to Calm Global Market by Leaving Soon

At a press conference on CSPAN 3 at midnight last week, President Bush attempted to quell fears of a global meltdown with a reminder of his term limit.  “It’s ok world,” he told reporters, “I’ll be stepping down soon.” 

Thus Spake Zanothustra

Mick Zano

Dear Goomis,

Dilemma?  Mwaah?  I have simply stated ad infinitum that America will not survive eight years of George W. Bush (Me, 2004).  I am not particularly happy about this development, because this is the country where I happen to get drunk a lot.  As to your point about the Bush years being over, they most certainly are not.  I’m stunned that this man is still making decisions (if you can call them that).  He just appointed a man who pissed away more money on this ‘bailout plan’ than, well…than Bush himself did in the seventies.  Let’s be clear, Barak Obama only has about a fifteen percent chance of limping this country along, but in the immortal words of Leslie Neilson, “There’s only about a ten percent chance of that.”

The best case scenario for our county is extraordinarily gloomy, Goomy, but only for those material-minded amongst us.  For the rest of us, this may be an exciting opportunity to live out all those exciting reality television shows.  Lost?  You better believe we are.  World’s dirties jobs?  It’s back to digging your own outhouse. World’s nastiest food guy?  We’re all going on the Renfield diet-plan soon enough.  Oh, and let’s see how long Survivor Man lasts in a Long Island Wal-Mart holding the last bushel of apples. I can’t wait for that one. 

Many tried to protect their assets by voting for the Republicans in 2004.  Some of us made comments to the Wayne Rogers and Ben Steins of the world at that time; I suggested that they use the money to build bunkers (Me, 2004).  Now, a few short years later, we are facing an economic collapse, two endless wars, and a constitutional crisis.   The trick is never to damage the constitution in the first place.  The trick is not to follow Russia or England’s lead into an endless imperialistic nation-building project (solo). The trick is not to squander the credibility that this country took over two-hundred years to develop.  The trick is not to tank a virtually unsinkable economy.  Make no mistake—the damage has been done. There is very little to do now, except stockpile canned goods. The “One” is done before he even gets to bat.  Hope is nice and all, but it won’t pay the bills.  Hope was in 2004.  Captain cardboard might have been able to do something back then.  The times they are a changing, and the really tough choices should have been made long ago. Thomas Friedman continues to be a real leader in this department, and I hope Obama heeds his advice. 

As for your comment about asking them (Al-Qaeda) why they hate us, well…I’m sure they have a host of legitimate reasons and a host of illegitimate ones—which still does not excuse one item on a terrorist organization’s agenda.  This is another example of the FOX News fallacy (FNF).  FOX paints anyone who questions our strategy as an appeaser and pools anyone who questions Bush in with the denialist squad.  Pacifistic appeasers are rampant in the US and they function predominately at a ‘green’ level of consciousness.  I have referred to these folks as the ‘Bake Al-Qaeda Brownies people.’  They are the main targets of the FOX News All-stars.  It is noble to be pacifistic but unrealistic when it comes to terrorist organizations.  These liberal pluralists are unfortunately the main justification for the right’s ongoing stupidity.  

The republican agenda has coddled these corporate criminals.  The Dems, not wanting to be outdone, have now thrown their hat into the ring and are predominately responsible for the current sub-prime mortgage crises.  Our President, always ready to up the stupidity ante, has now compounded the problem by doing something about it.  Hooray for George W. Bush, the anti-King Midas, the man who turns everything he touches into shit.

At the last Republican Convention, Duncan Hunter stated “America doesn’t apologies to anyone” (that was embarrassing).  Michael Moore described pre-war Iraq like Disneyland (that was embarrassing).  The problem with most Americans is that they only have a visceral response to one or the other, but not both statements.  That’s the polarization of America under Rove; that’s the closing of the American mind.  You yourself only here one side of the argument and at this point probably always will.  If you are happy with either party at this point, you’re sniffing glue (Me, 2006). The Democrats scare the shit out of me.  Obama’s going to spend?  What money?  Our deficit has reached a point of absurdity.  Someone said that “people choose a party out of ignorance and stay with that party out of pride.”  Never has that statement been more true than today.

I supported the war in Afghanistan, but watched stunned as our army pinned Bin Laden up in the hills of Tora Bora almost to the moment Bush systematically diverted 70 million dollars (without congressional approval) toward the invasion of Iraq (the first of many impeachable offenses).  I knew then that this was a turning point for the United States of America.  Iraq needed to be sanctioned, watched, and maybe even invaded, but not amidst the pleas for patience by inspectors like Hans Blix.   I protested ‘Shock and Awe’ day along with three other people.  We were beeped at, jeered at, and flipped-off by our hometown ‘patriots.’   I was made to feel un-American by the likes of Sean Hannity, a man who championed the long string of White House policies that have crippled our country.  Sean has essentially been wrong about everything with the sole exception that ‘there are bad people out there, who mean to harm us.’  Very astute, dip shit.  You know when I figured that out, Sean? 9-fucking-11. The difference between you and I is that I’ve figured out a lot of other things since then. 

Of course, all of the blame doesn’t go to the Bushter; this is a systemic problem, but his catastrophic leadership during a critical juncture in our country’s history has dealt a major blow to our credibility and our future.  He is the symbol of everything that is wrong with our country.  Here comes Incurious George donning his emperor’s new clothes as he water boards his way to world freedom. 

What hurt Al-Qaeda most since the onset of the ‘war on terror’ was the election of one Barak Hussein Obama.  This did not cripple the top leadership of Al-Qaeda but it will help with the soft war, and it could hinder Al-Qaeda’s ability to recruit.  In other words, they will have less people available to fly in the planes that crash into our buildings. 

FACT:  Every NIE report states Al-Qaeda is alive and well and many have reported that the organization has strengthened since 9-11.

FACT: Having two-story billboard pics of Abu Ghraib atrocities (sanctioned by the Bushies) in downtown Tehran has been a tremendous recruitment tool for those who mean us harm.

FACT: Instead of winning one war in Afghanistan, we are losing two wars.  Iraq is an endless, billion dollars a week, stalemate at best.

FACT: We are heading toward bankruptcy.  The American way of life is a  crumbling house of cards.

FACT: To gain intelligence you gain trust.  Every intelligence agency in the last two centuries knows this, so donning your ‘I’d Rather Be Wateboarding’ t-shirt only shows the world that you’re functioning at a staggeringly low level of consciousness.

Much to the chagrin of the Hannity’s of the world, stating these facts does not place me into the ‘Bake Al-Qaeda Brownies’ club. They are simply painful facts about the last eight years under our country’s gross mismanagement.

For the last decade my fellow Discordians have been discussing a series of events that, sadly, have all come to pass.  Here’s what we’re talking about now:

NEXT FACT: Capitalism became super capitalism became super (imaginary) capitalism.  

NEXT FACT: Now we are discussing the less pleasant aspects of a societal collapse…things like food and water shortages. 

NEXT FACT: We have re-watched every Road Warrior movie, without popcorn, to prepare for the inevitable.

You’re prediction, Goomis, that the economy will turn around in a few months, is a continuation of the FOX delusion.  Time to pull those plugs from your head and climb out of the tub any time, Keanu.  You stated in your rebuttal that the last time you checked this was a democracy.  Last time I checked, we had war criminals in the White House—individuals far above the rule of law.  Like it or not our government is a joke and we have slipped quietly into banana-republic-land (BRL).  You are right about one thing; it is time to look to the future…a future that will be very different than the “FOX News All Stars” are predicting.  And, yes, they will call it the Obama Depression, because they are assholes.

But I’ll tell you what, I’ll try to make this my last rant on Bush (operative word, try).  And how about I save your socialist comments for the next rebuttal?  I need to buy some more pancake mix for my latest venture, the ‘Hot Cakes for Hezbollah’ program.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

Dexy of the Midnight Runners Vows Second Hit Coming

Dexy, of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, is off of his meds and back on the musical warpath. Several decades without a follow-up hit have not dampened the band’s hopes of a full resurgence.  When questioned about the band’s perpetual one-hit-wonder status, Dexy retorted, “What about Come on Eileen: Unplugged and Come on Eileen: the Instrumental?”  In a Discord Exclusive, Dexy told our own Cokie McGrath that the band is planning to name their upcoming chart topper, Come On Eileen…Really Already. I Mean for Fuck’s Sake, Woman.  Dexy later admitted this title might be shortened, edited, or set ablaze in a brown paper bag upon someone’s doorstep.

THE CRANK MANIFESTO: The Zano Rebuttal

The Crank

Dear Mick,

There are many problems with your last bullshit-filled verbal-diarrhea (BFVD). You claim to be a social liberal but a fiscal conservative. MY ASS. I know you…a little TOO well. You’re only conservative with your “fiscal”. Your friends and family have noticed all too well how “liberal” you are with our fucking “fiscal.” You are a tight ass, Mickky, and your ass is so tight it’s fucking watertight. When you fart it’s like letting the helium out of a balloon by squeezing the opening between your fingers. What sound is emitted can only be heard by dogs. Haven’t you ever noticed how the barking starts in your neighborhood soon after the burrito dinner at Taco Bell?

But I digress. Mick, as I’ve said before, this is a democracy. I’m really not sure you understand the meaning of the word. After all, your whole experience in the world of academia consisted of getting to know the local Buford T. Justices of the world to avoid spending any time behind bars for the fucking 24/7 keg party that you called college—whilst your parents toiled mightily back home to put you through five and a half fucking years for your four-year Liberal Farts degree (bark, bark).  Nice work, by the way, telling them that the school added classes to the degree “at the last minute.”  You’re finished at Faber, Zano! Expelled! I want you off this campus Monday morning! And I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that I have notified your local draft board and told them that you are now eligible for military service….(Sorry)

Anyway, in a democracy, the team with the most votes wins, period. Now, as far as I am concerned, Professor Steven Fucking Hawking could not measure the infinitesimally small iota of care I have on the subject of whether or not gays marry. But, obviously, MOST people do. Just like MOST people voted Obama in. Just like MOST men I know want to do Sarah Palin’s ass, especially when she is peering over toward Russian shores. Majority rules.

The gays do themselves a major disservice by violent protests. The video of a 250 pound male gay knocking over an old lady and trampling on her Cross, stays with me, and will for a long time. I would love to make that guy’s head the hood ornament on my, soon to be worthless, Ram.  Come on?  That level of violence, for such a bullshit problem? I have lived through students deaths at Kent State. That was about young people being killed in Vietnam, not about a word. That’s all this is, a word. Marriage. SO FUCKING WHAT! Most people want gays to have civil unions with all the rights that “married” people do. It’s just that you are about as far away from a religious person, Mikko, as one can get, so you don’t get how important the word “marriage” is to the religious. Let em’ have it! It’s not worth it. Move on, people. But somehow, Mikko, I don’t believe that you will…and in some inexplicable way that makes me very happy.

Yours Unruly

Goomis

World Economy so Bleak Japanese Cheer Godzilla’s Return

Yesterday marked the first time that crowds did not flee in panic over Godzilla’s emergence from Tokyo Bay.  The day ended in the loss of over 1000 points in their stock market, as well as the destruction of nearly half of the Island of Japan.  The change of heart comes as Japan’s stock market tumbled for the third straight week.  “No one would be able to leave the island anymore to flood foreign tourist attractions, and ‘death by Godzilla’ sure beats jumping out of a window,” states Japanese Prime Minister Taro Aso.  “Besides,” continues Aso, “fire is an act of purification…if, said fire, is coming out of the mouth of a seven story lizard, so be it.”

Gay Marriage Rebutthole

I’m proud to notice how Mick Zano’s writing skills have sharpened with this recent move west; I only wish I could say the same about his reasoning skills.  On the gay marriage issue, Mick makes one valid point, and on that I agree—many people’s rational arguments against gay marriage are a mere mask for their deeper bigoted motivations.  Unfortunately, there are occasions when bigoted assholes make better arguments than Mick Zano.

Mick suggests that these bigots—I suppose the Dali Lama should be included—have banded together to pick on the oppressed minority of homosexuals by denying them their inherent right to marriage.  But this dispute wasn’t started by the bigots; it was started by gay activists themselves, who went through the courts to change the traditional definition of marriage.  They argue that the issue of gay marriage is comparable to allowing bi-racial couples the right to marry.  This is not a civil rights issue and homosexuals have the same right to marriage as I do—we both have the right to marry…a person of the opposite sex.  Neither of us can marry people of the same sex. Government sanctioned marriage by definition exists between one adult man and one adult woman; I’d personally like to marry three different eleven-year old lamas (the Dali Lama not included), but that desire does not conform to the traditional definition of marriage.  I’m not going to turn this into a civil rights issue; I’m going to make my argument to the American people and elect legislators who will change the law so that my romantic aspirations can be realized (watch your life-sized nativity scene animals this Christmas, folks; that’s all I’m saying).

And let’s remember that gay couples already posses the right to marry before their family, friends, some churches, and God. They just don’t have the right to have their marriage recognized by the United States government.  Why is it so important for gay people to have the government recognize their homosexual union in the first place?  Why does the government recognize any marriage at all?  The answer—children.  Marriage has traditionally been the institution that best supports the nurturing and development of the future generations.

I do believe that it’s important for our society to respect alternative family units, and allow these families the equal legal rights that are provided to traditional marriages—including the right to adopt.  Civil unions are the legal bridge that avoids the anger, resentment, and crisis provoked by the ‘gay marriage’ issue.

With civil unions as a viable legal institution, the issue of gay marriage need not be this hotbed of political division, but if activists choose to press the fight by going to the courts, then please don’t blame me, the Dali Lama, or our bigoted mob.

Indian Probe Lands on Moon

The first Indian probe landed on the moon last week…OK, granted, the staff here at the Discord doesn’t always have a keen understanding of world events, but bear with us.  We really do sincerely applaud the efforts of Indians in the space race.  Now go out there and scalp some Martians, bitches! Did we mention that we are not always politically correct either?

THE CRANK MANIFESTO: Get a Life Zano!

The Crank

Dear Mick,

I see now that even though “The One” has now been officially elected, there can be no real end to the Bush Administration. While the rest of creation is now looking forward to seeing if “ The One,” or as McCain called him—and I prefer—“ That One,” will have a positive impact on life as we know it, people like Mick are now left with an implausible situation. “Now that Bush is ‘Over’, what do I do now?” After all, Mr. Zano has spent eight years of his rather short life totally obsessed with the ‘Evil Empire,’ ‘Darth Bush,’ and a group he calls ‘the Wal-Mart Midgets.’  He has had no real life…just ask his family, his friends, his probation officers!  So now he is left with trying to re-align the rest of his life, or, (and perhaps much easier) keep the “hope” alive.  A hope that somehow The Dark One (Dick Cheney) will re-emerge with more power than before, so Mick Skywalker can teach our descendants all about how he, and others like him, single pen-dedly brought Death-Star Earth to its’ knees.  Although, I admit Cheney does kinda look like that old Darth with his helmet off (but I digress).

Mick, the last I heard this was still a democracy and, while the east and west coasters all ride in Prius’ and think that spreading my wealth around is a great idea, there is still a small matter of the rest of the god damn country!  Now, I know full well that with your exceedingly high intellect, you are of course, right, and that the gap-toothed Nascar crowd has run us face first into a black fucking hole.  However, there are a lot of us—I mean ‘them.’ So fear not, our dim-witted children will all sit around the fire to listen to your rants, er, I-mean escapades for years to come.

As far as the reasons why we got attacked, I have an idea. Why don’t you go over there and ask them. That’s it.  Bring your pen, pile all of your liberal friends into the Prius…bring the fucking Wal-Mart Midgets for all I care!  I’m sure Al-Qaeda will tell you that they really don’t hate us for: our freedom, our way of life, our dancing, our singing, our movies, our fair treatment of women.  I’m sure they’ll tell you it’s really all about Bush and the neo cons. Yeah, that’s it—that’s the ticket, yeah, it’s the neo cons, see…

Let me know how that trip works out.

Bush lost, get over it.

Yours Unruly

Goomis

Your comment about socialism has yet to be proven.  Currently Obama’s tax plan is more in line with Reagan that Lennon, or Marx.   When we shift from captilism to super captililsm tax breaks is hardly communism.  Making imaginary paper money to bail out wall street, Detroit, and Citibank, may well be much closer to communism, that Reagonomics.