Is Obama Taking This Cabinet-of-Rivals-Thing Too Far?

President-elect Barak Obama has reached almost a point of absurdity by nominating the Snowmiser as Secretary of State.  Further complicating matters, the Obama team announced the nomination of his brother and arch nemesis, the Heatmiser, to the office of Secretary of Defense.  This is clearly beyond non-partisanship as the two refuse to work together on any level.  Key Washington officials warn that the brothers plan to abuse their newfound powers by expanding extreme weather-patterns into historically mild regions of the world.  The nomination of the Heatmiser, in particular, has caused a political firestorm (pardon the pun) amongst the liberal blogosphere. Many on the left are enraged by a choice that they believe threatens the ‘Arctic ice shelf itself.’

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw the words Iboga and Cannabis Society scrawled on the restroom door at the Genetti Hotel the other day. Are you behind this association? If so, what is this movement all about?

David Counsel

Muncy, PA

Dear David,

First off, I do not scrawl things on bathroom stalls! I make my girlfriend do it. Second, the Cannabis and Iboga Society is, well, the best way to put it…er, it’s a grass-roots organization (literally). For more information, see my mission statement in its entirety in the second stall of the women’s restroom (under the phrase Bibbs is a troll lover).

The Ghetto Shaman

A Brief History of Anything

Mick Zano

How do I condense forty years of life-knowledge into a single Discord column?   OK, more accurately, how do I fill the whole column?  After four decades, I find myself knowing suspiciously little—masters level little—on-line masters level little (or OLMLL to those who can still tolerate our lousy acronym jokes).  Whereas I have predicted many recent political events—or more accurately, their horrific ramifications—I hardly think it took much insight.  I’ve never felt smarter than any U.S. president, until now.  But thanks anyway, W, for playing your own small part in the boosting of my self esteem.  Granted, it’s at the cost of the American way of life, but che sara.  In fact, Che Guevara for all I care.

What could I impart in one column? What must be included in my own very brief history of anything?  It has been said that the more we learn, the less we know, and I think I’m finally there. I know nothing.  Nothing.  Nada.  Nichts.  But, for the sake of argument, let’s review what I do know.  I know all of the Brady’s, some of the Partridges, and I can guess any Star Trek episode within the first five minutes.  OK, I used to be able to do that, but then I met girls.  They of course rejected me, so now I’ve cut that time down to thirty seconds.  As for dating, I have only one kernel of wisdom: never show them any of your Star Trek video collection! Ever! I’ve been married for ten years and those tapes are still locked in boxes marked Old Tax Returns.

On history, I have this to say. It is most certainly NOT bunk!  Not remotely bunkesque or even bunk-like for that matter.  Deem it bunk, world leaders, and you may end up in a bunker with his-and-hers cyanide capsules. As my seventh grade history teacher use to say, “Those who ignore history are destined to repeat it.”  She also warned me of this in the eighth and ninth grades respectively (I never studied).  Case in point: Che Guevara played for the Dodgers, didn’t he? Even if curious George is suddenly interested in American history—ironically the very man bringing America face-to-face with it. I also believe there may be more to myth than meets the eye. It is becoming apparent that there is meaning in myth, more meaning than a once rationalist-minded-type would dare admit.

Here are a few key points regarding the last forty-thousand years of human development:

Music: The members of the band Led Zeppelin are the archetypal rock gods, not the Stones.  So please Prince whatsas, Knight Sir. Robert and Sir Jimmy, pronto, and break out those shoes with the little bells for Sir. Mick.

Sports: I hate to quote Barry Melrose on this one, but, “Other sports are for people who can’t play hockey.”  It’s the only sport worth playing or watching. If you don’t agree, you are either way too into sports, or, more likely, you can’t play hockey.

Movies: Really suck lately.

Parenting: Sell all of your children for scientific experiments.  I’m kidding, of course.  Just sell the ones you don’t like.

Media: Has really tanked in recent years.  They should all be ashamed of themselves.  Except Giraldo.  He’s a god among men.

Politics: (see Media)

God: (see Giraldo)

Excuse me while I climb onto my soap box for a moment.  Remember Erikson’s stages of development?  Well, I don’t, but the fact remains, genuine growth is impossible for anyone who regularly watches American Idol.  Most people these days can’t seem to find anything productive to do. Some people even resort to starting pseudo-journalistic/editorial blog/websites thingies.  Fools!  Evolve or dissolve.  This is the information age, so access some.  Downloading porn doesn’t count.  And you had better get started. It takes a lot of work to discover that you don’t know anything.  Nothingness has been very rewarding for me—in its own empty, vacuous, someone-please-kill-me, kind of way.

Finally, personal growth is almost non-existent in the masses. It’s no coincidence that in the realms of awareness entire swaths of our society are loping off like heads at an Al-Qaeda press conference.  Why are we all on meds, you ask?  Might it have something to do with the air, the water, the drugs, the beer, the high fructose corn syrup, the apathy, the fear mongering, and the central point of the Universe where all of this happiness percolates known as the recliner?

Long term fulfillment is not likely to have anything to do with sex, food, drugs, or video games (the fab four in my neighborhood).  These ‘hobbies’ may serve us well into our mid-twenties, but then it it’s time to turn the page (even if it’s sticky), put down the chips (even if they’re Doritos), and join a wellness class (even if it’s Midget Reiki with our own Ghetto Shaman).

However you do it, get wellness soon. I think that’s a rap.  Don’t get me started on rap…

AARP: 50 Years of Innovation, Inspiration, and Incontinence

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) celebrated its fiftieth anniversary this year. Finally, the AARP becomes eligible to join in on its own fun and savings. Prior to this milestone, the company either had to wait outside or pay the full-cover charge for such exciting events as bingo, stamp bingo, cage bingo, cow chip bingo, or full-body contact death-match bingo (not covered by most insurance policies). Remember, over the past fifty years some of the AARP’s most memorable moments involve not remembering moments.

Spiral Dynamics and American Politics

Mick Zano

I do not write this column as a proud defeatocrat, as an anti-American conspiracy theorist, or even as a terminal glass-half-emptier…I’m just calling it as I sees’ it, folks.  The next president will have one hell of a time turning the ship around: we, as a country, have hit the iceberg and are taking on water.  America is at that point in The Poseidon Adventure at which we can follow either Red Buttons’ character to the stern of the ship or Gene Hackman’s to the bow.  You might be asking yourself, ‘Weren’t the folks who followed Gene Hackman rescued at the end?’  You’re not getting it…I’m casting America in the role of Shelley Winters.

Frankly, I’m amazed things have held together this long.  I’m stunned by how much stupidity ensued before our S.S. Economy listed to port. We should be proud of an economy like this—virtually unsinkable, it was.  So unsinkable, in fact, that it almost made it through eight years of Supremes mismanagement.   Stop! In the name of love, before you break my bank.  Not only has the sub-prime mortgage crises shaken us to our core, but our problems are magnified by those untold zillions pumped into Bush’s unnecessary debacle.  I’m talking about the Bush Library, of course.  How many translations of My Pet Goat does the world really need, anyway?  No, you can’t hurry jokes; no, you’ll just have to wait.

It’s easy to play the blame game after the fact, so let me break down current events instead.  Beck and Cowan’s Spiral Dynamic model begins with the ‘Red’ perspective: tribalism, wherein children shoot up our schools and terrorists fly planes into our buildings.  Really, what do you expect from people stuck on tribalism?  They’ve got issues.  The best way to deal with these folks is to meet them on a level playing field, then use artillery to level that playing field some more.  This is about the only credit I will (possibly ever) give the Bush administration.  Something did need to be done…just not any of the things we actually went and did.

Our government, namely the Bush Administration, functions at a predominately ‘Orange-Blue’ level, although it seems downright ‘red’ at times.  How is it possible to lose a PR war with a bunch of baby-strapping, suicide-bombing zealots, you ask?  For starters, you can’t win the war of ideas if you don’t have any of your own.  When your brain is attached to a political strategist named Karl, who wanders off halfway through your administration, well, trouble may be afoot.  

This ‘Blue’ level includes good old fashioned fundamentalism.  Fundamentalism supports important aspects of human development, but it’s also Bin laden with Laden’s and is fraught with Haggerts and Swaggerts.  This subject is covered in Dr. Sterling Hogbein’s riveting masterpiece, Falwell to Alms, which has yet to find a suitable publisher (and needs to be translated from his early crayon period).

‘Orange’ level is McCain Country, the Straight Talk Depress, entrepreneurs, rationalists, and a host of postmodern yumminess, lightly dusted with coconuts.  I operated from ‘Orange’ most of my life, and it was good clean fun.

Green (liberalism) is arguably a higher perspective, but they’re not ripe yet, so I wouldn’t do anything rash like vote for one.  ‘Green’ is Al Gore country, and his brand of environmental pluralism is not without merit.  Leave ‘Green’ unchecked, however, and you get fanatical efforts to save the Paraguay Paramecium, Meat is Murder homicide squads, and Operation Bake Brownies for Al-Qaeda.  In defense of folks like Gore, it isn’t easy being ‘Green.’ Surprisingly, Kermit functions on an integral level and thinks Gore is an asshole.

No matter who wins this election, we, as a nation, will have a higher-operating captain.  It may be wishful thinking, but I’m still hoping that Barack Obama is at least a ‘Yellow’ or ‘Turquoise’ level thinker (post modernist, second-tier), possibly the best colors since Bush Senior yukked on that Japanese Prime Minister, way back yen.

Even McCain’s ‘Orange’ would have been welcome over Bush’s ‘Orange-Blue.’  Some feared this political dice roll, but I’ll take my chances with a world-centric, fiercely intelligent, post modernist every time.  Staying the course is not an option.  In fact, there was never a course to stay.  They made it up as they went along—and badly at that.  It was like watching the last season of the X-Files on DMT.  Never do that by the way.  Shrooms and Robot Chicken is the only way to go.

I do implore the American people to put a priority on fixing this country, so that, if nothing else, Lou Dobbs will shut the fuck up! But he’s right, of course: we’ve given up on educating our children; we are losing the war on drugs, as well as the war on terror, and we have less actual freedom now than a gay Taliban priestess in Damascus.  (That is not a reference to the band by the same name, by the way…I love them.) It’s like Sheryl Crow always says: “Stop calling me, you fucking sicko.”  Wait, I mean the other thing she says: “A change will do you good.”  This change may be arriving a wee bit late, however, so in the immortal words of Edward R. Olbermann, “good night, and good luck.”

Hurricane Norbert Targeted Weather Station that Named It

In the aftermath of hurricane Norbert, which slammed into the Mexican West coast in October, meteorologists believe the category four storm’s Western turn was premeditated. Shortly after the Los Cabos weather station named the storm, the category one hurricane strengthened, changed course, and allegedly made several threatening phone calls to the weather station in question.

MICHAEL SAVAGE – Fight For Your Rights

Night after night, Michael Savage generates the most entertainment bang for your meaningful discourse buck (now worth 50 cents). He’s your crazy obnoxious free-ranting uncle backed by a scientific PhD and a deep historical understanding of world events. He’s well-versed, well-spoken, principled, and enraged about all the political compromise. In between his political rants, he tells rich stories and intriguing anecdotes. But he is damn controversial: “Their women are ugly.  They cover their faces with veils. Our women are beautiful; we show em’ off in centerfolds.”  He would make a great Danish cartoonist.

Of all the talk-shows, TV, internet, or radio commentary, Michael Savage has most consistently kept my interest (barring Lesbiangladiators.com). “Borders, language and culture,” is his slogan, and the simplicity of his message, and the intensity of his conviction has transcended his character outright. Savage, of course, is not without flaws: his angry reactions sometimes lead to over-dramatization and the mis-assessment of news stories.  He is not beyond resorting to insult, name calling, and hanging-up.  Oh, and he rarely admits a mistake (such as his boycott of Lesbiangladiators.com).

From the perspective of the individual-objective (brain) quadrant, Savage rates high. He is a scientist with an understanding of history and economics. He expresses clear consistent and constitutionally based political opinions. He often has expert guests to speak about the crucial issues of our time. (B)

From the individual/subjective (self) quadrant, Savage performs fairly well. Granted he does not seem to explore any integral or transpersonal thought, but he is not without self-reflection. He often demonstrates deep personal insight and soul-searching. His interpretation of religion is often egocentric and self-serving.  But he is open-minded to exploring many other beliefs and practices (i.e., his weekly Wiccan Cannibal Necrophelia workshops).  He has studied and encourages alternative medicine and is highly critical of the quick-fix feel-good culture of psychiatry and medication.  (B +)

From the objective/plural (society) quadrant, he is often the first to spot and speak of the hypocrisy present on both the left and right. He has many enemies, Islamic organizations, such as C.A.I.R. and left wingers like Media Matters who have orchestrated campaigns to silence his “hate-speech” by petitioning his advertisers. It’s true that Savage could be bettered by an integral section to his library; I’d love to hear him and Ken Wilber debate politics. I hereby call for an integration of the nationalism of Savage with the integralism of Wilber and a Transcendence into the Transnational movement…or Transcosmetic movement as it has come to be called. (B+)

Savage is a maniac on a mission. He is the American embodiment of free speech. You may not agree with what he says, but I strongly advise you to give up your very life for his right to say it, because if his speech is silenced, then you and I are next.  Well…I’m probably next, but then I’m sure they’ll get to you, eventually—is my point.  With his recent controversy, his talk show has been elevated to the level of an epic battle between freedom and tyranny. (A –)

Oh, boohoo. Michael Savage is so mean and insulting—that’s what freedom of speech is all about, asshole. It’s the right to offend people on principle, dick wad. Savage is a recent recipient of the “Freedom of Speech Award,” but he’s not allowed to talk about it publicly.  

Is America heading toward a Fairness Doctrine ensuring that radio speech is a balanced blah between the worthless middle right and the pointless middle left? Even though Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have no viable audience should radio stations be forced to give them equal time with the racist Imus and the hatemonger Savage?  We could give Shari a Law defenders equal time with the redneck American Constitutionalists. Islam can be given the status of an oppressed minority as colonial Christian Teddy Bear teachers and hateful Holland Cartoonists are escorted off to sensitivity camps. Sounds very American—at least how it is currently being redefined. 

This war is a war over ideas, and Michael Savage is now on the front line. Medic!  Medic!  (Overall grade A –)

Hit By Economy Woes Disney to Lay Off Sneezy and Doc

According to Disney World officials, only five of the seven original dwarves will be returning to work this spring at Orlando’s Disney World. “Unfortunately, we just can’t afford to pay all of them anymore,” states Disney’s Chief Executive, Robert Iger. Iger claims to be in constant communication with Walt Disney’s head, cryogenically frozen at Citi-lab Orlando since 1966. “Walt agrees with the decision, whole headedly,” he joked. Iger refused to speculate on future cuts, but warned, “Grumpy better stay on his fucking Zoloft.” When asked about the tough decision, Iger stated, “Doc was a no-brainer. The kids won’t even miss him.” The decision to pick-axe Sneezy is less clear, however. According to key Disney insiders, Sneezy had an ongoing public relation issues, complicated by uncontrollable convulsive expulsions of mucus as well as financial problems. His out of control credit card debt was allegedly accrued at the Oriental Happy Ending Massage Parlor. Too often the sounds of Thai-ho, Thai-ho could be heard echoing along Orlando’s Orange Blossom Trail, amidst intermittent sounds of gesundheit.

Congressman Paul Broun: I Call You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag!

Mick Zano

Integral minded people do not stoop to segments entitled, ‘Worst Person in the World,’ nor do they deem others ‘Enemies of the Week,’ and they certainly do not put people ‘on notice’ for any of their political beliefs. We shouldn’t even ‘wag our finger’ at anyone unless, in doing so, it is hoped to guide them back onto the path toward enlightened self-realization.  Instead of these crass attacks upon people’s character, we are going to start our own column: ‘I’m Calling You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag!’  This week, on our first second-tier inspired mission of ‘I’m Calling You Out, You Civics Class Dropout Douchebag,’ we focus on nudging Georgia Rep. Paul Broun toward something people at the edge of the Republican cocoon are referring to as ‘reality.’  Think of it like Sarah Palin staring at those distant Russian shores through her 600 dollar Oakley sunglasses.  Vague shapes are appearing on those far away conservative beachheads all around America.  Congressman, some of your brethren are wrestling with their souls and the future of Republicanism.  You can join the pity party any time.

In a report to the Associated Press recently, Rep. Broun stated that he was worried about the Obama Administration pursuing Gestapo-like tactics to enforce a ‘radical Marxism.’  So much for an Obama honeymoon period.  The guy hasn’t even written his manifesto yet, and you’re judging him?

Let me splain.  No, that will take too long. Let me sum up.  Having Gestapo-like tactics for any cause is the problem. When you give up on the systems of checks and balances that has sustained our democracy…well, let’s backup for a moment by pulling forward.  Obama is probably not going to pursue radical Marxism, although Duck Soup was a classic in any circle.  The problem is, and has always been, your guy.  Bush dismantled two hundred years of the delicate balance of power, so now Obama has the ability to do the very things you fear.  You were not crying when one of your guys trashed the constitution, because he would only use this power to get the bad guys.But now you are beginning to see the possible ramifications of your short-sighted anti-Americanism.   Yes, dismantling the forefather’s vision of our democracy is anti-American.  If the founding fathers ever met Sean Hannity in a dark alley, a blanket party would no doubt ensue.  You can bet that they would be sticking more than a feather in his cap.

Let’s use a fictional analogy.  Remember when Frodo wielded the Ring of Power back in middle-Earth?  He started out as an innocent, but the absolute power of the ring corrupted him by the third movie. And I think Samwise Gamgee did things to him while he slept (that’s just a theory).  OK, bad example, but disturbing none the less.

You missed the main point, congressman, and not just of that tangential Tolkien analogy.  You missed this point when it was actually important.  You know, when you could have spoken out and hindered our president’s grasp toward absolute power.  Where were you when Bush released his goblins into Rohan from the spires of Isengard?  If it’s going to be socialism now, so be it.  When you find yourself in a banana republic, make with the splits.  Don’t forget, congressman, Canada has beer and hockey.   Perhaps in practice of this new distribution of power, you should donate half of your annual salary to charities.  You know, for practice.  If Obama does turn out to be a monster, remember, you created him.  You forged the ‘one ring’ in the fires of Mt. Doom (aka, Atlanta).  Republicans—those true blooded slices of ‘real’ America—are the doctor Frankensteins of our time. Whatever the future holds, the reparation check is on your hands.  Whatever ill-conceived super agenda is pushed by any and all future presidents—in any and all ideological directions—you bear some of the blame.  You get what you deserve.  Didn’t you read my article on Bush, Fascism, and the other ‘N’ Word?   The article is based on actual, real life—happening right now—fascist moments in America, which you, sir, supported.  The fear of nefarious evil ideologies that may creep up from the liberal bowels of bureaucracy really pales in comparison to what has already been done to our country.  You have fallen for what has come to be known as the pre-Poke fallacy.  For that I am calling you out to a Zell Miller style duel!  Meet me outside of Roosevelt Middle School at 3:15PM (after shop class).   I’m going to open up a jar of integral whoop-ass on your sorry civicsless brain pan, congressman.  Then we can price some condos in Alberta.

First Soylent Green Plant to Open in Florida

First Soylent Green Plant Requesting Bailout Funds

It is not surprising that the first factory to produce grade D but edible ‘Soylent Green’ will open its doors in the heart of the ‘retirement state.’   Many see this as just another sign of a collapsing society.  “But give us some points for honesty,” asserts CEO Bernie Hamilton. “We didn’t want people finding out the hard way that they’ve been gnawing on people wafers. We just wouldn’t want a repeat of history—like in that movie.”

Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

It’s not the particular place, it’s the state of mind, and yet an establishment can institute an atmosphere, character, and quality that encourage this state. Wit spews from the lips like rabid rivers of lava burning and drowning us dead and awakened into our dawning enlightened life…or else I could end up in Carl’s at last call (part dive bar, part Clockwork Orange) pinned to something vaguely feminine.

The true greatness of a coffee shop, brewpub, bar, or diner shall be assessed by its potential to facilitate cultural experiences that are spontaneous, dynamic, and profound. This intangible quality is the most important element of any hangout.

As a cultural facilitator, my job is to transform parties into art exhibits and art exhibits into parties. There are certain criteria to consider. The setup should encourage a free flow throughout and amongst all social circles.  We can read or reflect alone, spontaneously jump into a conversation with strangers, or lead naked conga lines.

In order to stimulate the spirit of enthusiasm, an establishment must play good music that compliments the atmosphere, characters, and mood. Provide quality goods and services, and expel anything that inhibits this ever-important soul transformation (except my friend Shag).

Spatial limitation can strangle the life out of festivities (that’s m’s job). Be careful to consider the feng shui of the place and encourage a flow that keeps the energy circulating. Time limitations also inhibit enthusiasm. This ‘last call’ experiment has failed miserably. Some of my best festivities don’t get full-flailing until dawn.  On that note, drunk tanks should have breakfast specials.

Electronic gadgets distract people from the possibility of authentic interactions and have no place in social settings. I don’t even like to see cell phones in public. Once, two people sat in stools on either side of me speaking into their cell phones. I think they were talking with each other. Look people; if you want to isolate yourself inside the grid, please do it at home. I’m here to party.

Take the television for example. It’s not possible to mingle amongst different groups or spark unplanned adventures if everyone is hypnotized by the boob tube. I have two pieces of advice for all bars regarding televisions:

  1. Unless you’re trying to be a sports bar, don’t have televisions.
  2. Don’t try to be a sports bar.

Fifteen years ago, I vowed to never pay for cable again. This was the greatest decision of my life (sadly, this is accurate. I really haven’t made many good decisions).  Along with this choice, I have taken steps to better tune my awareness to the spirit of authentic culture. Throughout these years, I have continued eliminating electronic gadgets and machinery from my life. Some have argued that my position is reactionary and irrational, leading to a decay in my living standard. Certainly these technologies bring their conveniences, but there is always a cost. Commitment to true art must take priority over comfort, social status, family, friends, and even my own biological survival. So now, no TV, no cell phone, no internet (not even e-mail), no car, no phone, no video games, and no electronic pocket massage toys (well, I haven’t given up Mr. Giggles).   No one is perfect.

Obama Announces His Four Point Econ Plan: Orders Next Four Digits on Debt Clock

After talking with his new administration, President Elect Obama has made the decisive decision to order the hundred trillion place, the quadrillion place, the gazillion place, and the holy-shit-Batman-we’ve-gone-plaid-illion place for the national debt clock in Time Square, New York.  The rationale is twofold, first, a preemptive move is hoped to quell market fears by reassuring the public that the new administration is doing something about our out-of-control deficit, and, second, there may be some modest savings to the taxpayer by buying these extra digit-places in bulk.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you really a healer?  I am a married man suffering from a severe dissociative disorder. I often lose chunks of time when my deviant alter takes control of my body and sends me night after night to the local red light district.

Sincerely,

Steven Jones

Dear Steven,

If your wife is buying this crapola, what’s the problem?  Pork away, pal.   Shame about the memory loss.  Now don’t forget to channel that positive kuntalini energy into your fart chakra.

The Ghetto Shaman

My Flip Flop Reversal

Dave Atsals

Wearing flip flops and a sweat shirt, I flip-flop through the channels as all these political analysts flip-flop on who flipped and flopped more. I flop in front of my computer and flip it on. My online search of ‘flip flop’ from the Marian Webster’s dictionary turned up:

Main Entry:

flip–flop

Pronunciation:

ˈflip-ˌfläp

Function:

noun

Date: 1600

1: the sound or motion of something flapping loosely 2 a: a backward handspring b: a sudden reversal (as of policy or strategy) 3: a usually electronic device or a circuit (as in a computer) capable of assuming either of two stable states 4: a rubber sandal loosely fastened to the foot by a thong

flip–flop intransitive verb

For the purpose of this article we will be focusing on 2 b: a sudden reversal (as of policy or strategy).

I once had a relationship that flopped after I could no longer flip the girl. We will not embarrass her by putting her name in this article, but the inquisitive type can contact Mick Zano; he dated her 20 pounds later. I flip off the political analysts who would so flippantly flop my character? I just chose pride over public embarrassment, and I no longer get off on being crushed in bed (insert flip flop reference here).

At five years old, Mr. Ed was the best show on television. I no longer believe that is the case; in fact, I’ve flipped flopped on my belief he could really talk.

Today’s politicians may not be as smart as me, or a talking horse for that matter. To change one’s mind or position is often a good thing. This current election season highlights these flip flopping positions. Barack Obama in the fall of 2007 said he would like to partake in a publically financed general election. As we know now he did not. But if he did, with the amount of public funds he was able to generate, I would question his intelligence. Have you given your five dollars lately? Joe Biden in April said “I am not interested in the vice presidency.” (No, I did not have further sexual relations with that fat woman).

John McCain in 2006 voted for the Bush tax cuts he opposed in 2001 and 2003. Is this a flip flop, a change in circumstances, or a Mr. Ed moment? His V.P. nominee supported the bridge to Nowhere while running for governor in 2006. After being elected she began to shift her position. “Thanks but no thanks, but doggone it we’ll keep the money.”

Throughout history many flip fopperies have transformed our country. In 1798 Thomas Jefferson supported a constitutional amendment that prohibited the federal government from borrowing money. But, in 1803 borrow he did, allowing the acquisition of the Louisiana Territory. Abraham Lincoln…a proponent of slavery? Check your history books. A change in circumstances? Well, anyway a few of Jefferson’s offspring’s where certainly for it.

FDR’s political philosophy was, in a way, a pro flip flop statement. He explained, “It is common sense to take a method and try it, if it fails admit it frankly and try another.” In the Dave Atsals’s dictionary (DVD), insanity means doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (Bush 2004).

There are three legitimate reasons for a sudden change of policy or political strategy: change in circumstances, your former stance is admittedly wrong or not working, and, perhaps most importantly, she got too fat.

Not included on this list are “women have the right to change their mind.” And neither is, I change your political stance daily according to where I am campaigning.

Barney Frank comes to mind as a politician that has used all legitimate and non-legitimate justifications for all the flip flops mentioned in this article, except for the ‘she got too fat’ one.

Top 10 things I learned at college

  • 10. Sincerity – I am a one girl man, Kim
  • 9. Diplomacy— It got me out of bar fights with men called Psycho.
  • 8. Persuasion – Helped me to get others to type, research, and edit my term papers.
  • 7. Multi-tasking — How to drink beer, shoot pool, and study all at once.
  • 6. Sincerity— I am a one girl man, Patty.
  • 5. Deception— How to look 21 when you’re 18
  • 4. Penmanship— How to sign other people’s signatures.
  • 3. Physical fitness— helped with moving kegs.
  • 2. Business skills — How to raise money throwing keg parties.
  • 1. Leadership — My team will not be defeated, at beer bong or quarters, right Danielle?

Al-Qaeda: Mission Accomplished

Mick Zano

After this last eight years, it is time to assess our Global War on Terror.  Reflecting on events, the first thing that sprung to mind is Mission Accomplished.  Unfortunately, this is not in reference to the efforts of the United States of America.  In 2001 Osama Bin Laden voiced his main objectives—loud and clear for those listening—or at least that’s what they told me at that Afghani ‘training camp.’

Bin Laden knew that he could not take on the world’s superpower directly or militarily, but, if he could pull off something big, maybe he could trick the U.S. into a pattern of reckless and ultimately self-destructive decisions.  He wanted the U.S., as he put it way back when, to become “a shadow of itself.”  (There is currently a green line under itself on my view screen, so Bin Laden is apparently without the aid of grammar check. I am sending this information along to the CIA post haste.)  Anyway, stripping down the Bill of Rights, bypassing the Constitution, replacing our freedom with fear, and invading the wrong country because we couldn’t find the real perpetrators of 9/11 is, well, exactly what Al-Qaeda had in mind.  Bin Laden said, “Yeah, uh, Iraq is the global front on terrorism (snicker, snicker), oh, and invest everything in AIG (snicker, snicker).  Our nation’s treasure is depleted and our claim of world ‘super power’ is greatly diminished.  As a nation, we have not only screwed the pooch, but we’ve wandered into a kennel on Viagra totting a bucket of KY.

The Taliban is resurging in Afghanistan and every NIE report since 9/11 claims that Al-Qaeda is alive, well, and is even strengthening.  Why didn’t Obama mention that in the debates?  Doesn’t he know, or has he reasoned—and probably rightly so—that the truth is no longer relevant in our society?  Just look good, keep a level head, and take one from the Republican play book; if you repeat something often enough, it must be true.  On that note: Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Please pass this message on to ten of your closest friends. By this logic, I will have the Andre chilling and the Motel 7 light on for you (sorry, Jessica, I couldn’t afford motel 8).

My colleague, Pokey McDooris, is most alarmed by our society’s liberal pluralist, who, functioning at a higher level of consciousness should have the insight to start acting like adults and clean up this mess.  Whereas I agree with this, I am more stunned with the bubble of non-reality surrounding the base of the Republican Party. It’s public record why Al-Qaeda attacked the US, yet Rudy Giuliani, ‘America’s Mayor’—the man with that gleam in his eye on 9/11—never bothered to find out why these zealots were angry or what they hoped to accomplish with such acts of terrorism.  If you want to do service to the people who died in your city, Mr. Giuliani, read something other than librettos.  When Ron Paul pointed out the reality of why Bin Laden attacked us, ‘the base’ jeered him. The base meanwhile cheered Giuliani’s continued ignorance of the subject.  Let’s make something very clear—because that is what this faction of our society demands—understanding does not mean appeasement.  Learning something about our enemies is not a weakness, and, yes, actually winning the war of ideas and, ultimately, the War on Terror is going to take shrewder minds than the likes of Rush W. Hannity.

The disturbing fact remains that the base of the Republican Party can not adjust or correct course under any and all circumstances.  Although, in Pokey and Oscar’s defense, I have seen a similar reaction on the left (i.e., questioning Obama = racism). The closing of the American Mind under Rove’s direction seems almost complete. The Republican Party, however, has brought the concept of denial to levels unrealized since Pee Wee Herman’s dream of a new unsupervised playhouse.  Now, the catastrophic decisions by Bush and co. are swept away by the success of ‘the surge,’ which equates to a billion dollar a week pause button in the endless clusterfuck that is the Iraq War.

After pointing out Bush’s abysmal approval rating to someone the other day, this was her answer, “Why do we have such polls?  It makes us look stupid in the eyes of the world.”

So, let me get this straight; it’s not the policies and the fact that we really have acted like a developmentally disabled super power lately, it’s the polls—you know, the democracy part of our democracy—that’s the problem?  Yes, this person is a member of the ‘Republican Base.’  I sure can’t think of any better way to stand for democracy than by dismantling it outright.  We shouldn’t really question our leaders when we’re in an endless war against an abstract ideology.  We should systematically dismantle our checks and balance, trust ‘them’ to do the right thing, and just bend over (why can’t I find dates like that?).  We should all walk in goose-step fashion toward a bigger and better version of freedom—a version that oddly lacks, well, freedom.

Freedom and patriotism are being redefined by the fascists at FOX News.  Who are they to call me anti-American for being a little more perceptive on most subjects?  Our recent actions are precisely what Bin Laden had in mind.  He is, after all, far shrewder than his main adversary—of course, so is his camel.

These days I don’t think it’s his priority to hit us again.  Why should Al Qaeda bother?  As long as we continue to feed the global jihad with Abu Graib moments, keep Gitmo’s tainted torture open, and continue to destroy our economy and the rule of law, I think we’re safe.  Joe Biden said he believes that Obama will be tested in the first six months of office.  Maybe he meant that Obama is a threat because he symbolizes an American resurgence.  Until he’s in office we are safe—from everything except ourselves.

In summary, here is where the neo-cons have brought us:  “America doesn’t apologize to anyone. Ah, sorry Mr. Hu Jintao.  No, we can’t make our minimum balance this month.  Yes, Yes, Mr. Hu Jintao, I have Paulson on it.  Please, can you at least wave our annual fee?  Yes, the check is in the mail, Mr.Hu Jintao.  Yes, Yes, very good, Mr. President.  Of course, sir, I won’t forget the bucket of KY.”

If left in charge the neo-cons would never change tactics on this War on Terror.  They would dismantle this country piece by piece until there was nothing left.  But, since I think Sarah Palin has a great set of knockers, I backed McCain Palin in 08’, or at least the knocker portion of the ticket.

Burger King Mascot Linked to Night Terrors in Children

A growing number of children equate the Burger King Mascot with extreme fear and anxiety.  According to one recent study, the negative impact on dream content is unquestionable.

“He just creeps me out,” says Sarah Jones of Prescott, AZ. “Why didn’t they just go with a clown or something?”

Objective Blame vs. Qualitative Responsibility: The Blamesylvania Rebuttal

Mick Zano consistently expresses keen political insights. He was the first person I know who publicly opposed the Iraq War.  His bra burning rally during ‘Shock and Awe’ day was…er…uplifting.  He has spotted many of the Bush Administrations corrupt policies and flawed strategeries. However, I am still prepared to demonstrate that Mick’s obsession with the Bush Administration stems from his repressed and sublimated fetish for underage chia pets.

Mick is a man who hits the facts square on the head but misses the point by a planet.  He frames his argument in terms of ‘quantifiable blame.’ “Who is more to blame for America’s collapse?” he asks, “The Bush Administration (Neo Cons) or the Radical Left (Neo Hippies). I frame the argument in terms of ‘qualitative responsibility.’ Who is more responsible for our republic’s destruction—the Neo Cons or the Neo Hippies?  I will hereby refer to Mick’s argument as ‘Perspective m’ and I will refer to my argument as ‘Perspective Pokeysexgodgeniuspoet.’

In terms of blame, Mick rates the Neo Cons a 9 (7 of which can be attributed to the Bush Administration). The Neo Hippies rate a 6 (2 of which can be attributed to a direct reaction against Bush and co.).

From Perspective m the Neo Cons indeed seem culpable for the doom that awaits us, although Pelosi’s Congress is quickly gaining ground. Regardless, from Perspective PokeySexGodGeniusPoet, the Neo Hippies appear more responsible for our country’s demise.

The support for Perspective POKEYSEXGODGENIUSPOET: there are objectively determined levels of human development (archaic, magical thinking, conformity, rationality, pluralism, integration). The higher the level of cognitive development, the greater the depths of depravity and corruption if a pathology forms (aka, have you seen the footage from Mick’s bra burning rally?).  The point being, with the greater perspective comes greater responsibility.  Take, for instance, a 12-year old child with a womb-based developmental disruption.  He is not nearly as dangerous as a pathological mad scientist who believes that humans have metastasized into cancerous warts upon the greater Gaia-Earth vagina. Nor should the developmentally challenged child (I am in no way comparing George Bush to a 12-year old retard, but the wart…) be held to the same level of responsibility as the mad scientist.

I hold the liberal pluralists (Neo Hippies) to a higher standard than the Bush Administration because the Neo Hippies ARE more highly developed than the Neo Cons.

The great danger with the Neo Hippies Gone Mad is their subtle yet relentless attempts to avoid responsibility. (Was Richard Nixon responsible for the Weather Underground’s behavior?) They seek justifications to indulge in their childish urges to ‘do anything that they want,’ including riots, theft, assault, blowing up buildings, and burning undergarments to old Dylan tunes (Tangled up and bra?).

Their excuse boils down to this: in light of the Bush Administration’s Tyranny, what do you expect?

Stick it to the man. Fight the Power. Free Willy!

I would even argue that the Neo Hippies hadn’t gone so feakin’ mad, mainstream Americans would have been comfortable with Al Gore or John Kerry. The reason that Americans didn’t vote for Gore or Kerry was because so many anti-Bush fanatics ranted hateful crazy shit that sounded very similar to Al-Qaeda’s rhetoric. America settled for the lower developed Bush Administration because the higher developed progressives appeared psychotic (Wright), unprincipled (Wrangle), immoral (Sharpton), empty suited (Edwards), or simply UFOish (Kucinich).

I admit that Perspective m presents a factually accurate assessment of our nation’s predicament—I just don’t believe any good comes from asserting Perspective m.  In context of the Neo Hippie’s madness, Perspective m begins to validate their irresponsible and irrational indulgence by blaming it on the Bush Administration. The call for responsibility far outweighs the desire to caste blame.

And if you don’t get it by now, as m asserts, then you have already joined the Farrakhan Freak Show.

I believe that brings this argument to an n.