Cranking on the Border

The Crank

As a legal occupant of Azirona (citizen is too strong a word, it connotes some kind of active knowledge of all things Azironian), I decided that the rhetoric I have heard in the past few months on both sides of the question on Azirona’s new immigration law made it necessary for me to go down to the border and get the scoop myself.

To get information from illegal border crossers, I descended on the local Taco Bell for some value meal items to bribe them with. Once my Ram was filled with an assortment of all things Mexican, I headed south.  I first interviewed a local Sherriff, Buford Weinberg, of Cosha County, AZ.

When asked what was his issue with border security, he answered, “All dem Asians and Europeans a-sneakin across at night was a ruinin our great country.”

I hope I didn’t waste all my money at Taco Bell, I thought.  Maybe Panda Express would have been better.

I reached the border late at night and pulled the Ram into an area Sherriff Weinberg mentioned was a prime spot to encounter “Illegals.” Putting on the night vision goggles I got from my Cheerios box, I waited.  Many hours later, someone with a rather large backpack made his way toward me. It must have been the “Free Tacos” sign I painted on the back of the Ram. As he got closer, I noticed he was totting a hockey stick. As he entered the lit area, I also saw he was blond. He greeted me in English, but with a decidedly Nordic accent. As he sat down, he introduced himself as Ulf Vanninnenn. When asked why he was entering the U.S. illegally through Mexico, he said, “I was denied a hockey visa from our embassy in Finland, and wanted to play for the Phoenix Coyotes.”

When I explained that the Coyotes were a greatly improved team this year, he dejectedly asked me if New Mexico had a hockey team. When I said they did not, he turned back toward Mexico and walked away.

Soon, another figure became visible.

I called out “Free Tacos!”

A bewildered looking Asian couple appeared, and asked why I had no Panda Express. As they sat down to eat their tacos with chopsticks, I asked them why they were sneaking into the U.S from Mexico. They said they had heard that all the Mexicans were leaving the U.S., and that many menial jobs had opened up in the Chinese food industry, as it was widely known in China that Jewish people eat only Chinese food. I tried to explain to them that they might have better luck in the Scottsdale area.  They finished their tacos, and left.

Hungry myself, I sat down and swallowed three tacos whole, like a snake swallows a rabbit. Feeling rather gaseous, I let out an award winning belch, which echoed into the desert night, as a whale song does off the coast of “I can see Russia from my house.” I was smiling when I heard an answer—a monstrous belch echoing through the darkness. A belch from the depths of Hell!

A small figure appeared out of the darkness, and waved to me.

“Bonjiorno,” he said. I introduced myself and offered him some tacos. He stared at them obviously never having seen one. As I assumed from his accent he was Eyetralian.

I pointed and translated, “crispy sausage roll.”

He nodded to me as he took one, and thanked me.

When asked why he was crossing, he said, “I am Giorgio Scavetta, baker extraordinaire.”

I rose, and with tears in my eyes, I hugged him. He said he had heard that it was easier to get a gun in Azirona that it was to get good bread, and that he was here to “rescue the good people of Arrizzonna from such a fate.”  I told him to hide in the back of my Ram, and that I would personally escort this particular illegal back into Phoenix.

I saw no Mexicans going north that night, just a few heading back south. When asked why they were heading south, they said they all had felony warrants in Arizona, and that the new law scared them. They also said that Taco Bell was about as Mexican as Pizza Hut was Italian. 

“We dun nid no steenking tacos, gringo.”

This new law has no downside that I could see.  And, if the Coyotes keep playing well next season, it should keep out the Scandinavians. Oh, and I saw no Border Patrol, no fence, nothing. Uh, Nappy dear, as head of Homeland Security, you can send those National Guard south anytime now, bitch (or is it Bastard?)

The Crank

Zeus Claims Responsibility for Destroying Ohio Jesus Statue

Zeus Claims Responsibility for Destroying Ohio Jesus Statue

Athens, GR—Zeus, the supreme deity of Greek mythology, admitted to authorities today that he hurled the lightning bolt that destroyed the six-story Jesus statue off I-75 in Monroe, Ohio.

People who witnessed the incident claim, the clouds parted and then a large, partially clad Greek God yelled down, “Take that, you fucker!”

And then Jesus said unto him, “Father, why have you forsaken…oh, it’s not you this time.”

The statue then burst into flames and melted.

One witness claims Jesus said, “I’m melting, I’m melting,” but this parishioner later admitted her account may be distorted by consuming “way too much Blood of Christ and, oh, I had a little Captain in me.”

When asked why he did it, Zeus said, “It was originally Prometheus’ idea, the bloody pyro.”

Zeus also blamed his poor behavior on a childhood filled with abuse and neglect.

“My father, Cronus, was a real asshole.  The bastard ate all of my brothers, among other things.  You just don’t get over that…”

When asked if he was sorry for his actions, he said, “Jesus had it coming.  That wanker stole so much shit from, my boy, Dionysus, it ain’t funny.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

I attended your enlightenment workshops recently, Be Happy, Mother Fuckers, and I am still in therapy.  Who gave you a license to shaman, anyway?

Heidi O.

Selinsgrove, PA

Dear Heidi-Heidi Oh,

Awesome!  Well, I don’t have “credentials,” per se, but I do have my second series of workshops coming up, Stay Happy, Bitches.  And, if you attended the first round, you may be eligible for a 10% discount (but there’s only 5% chance of that).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Therapy, eh?  Not only are you closer to enlightenment, Heidi, you’re creating jobs.  In this economy, I call that win-win.

The Bone Gang Destroys Pluto

Alex Bone

In one of the biggest news blackouts in history, we have brought to light a story that only the Daily Discord would dare to print.  Facts are slim, but how is that different from any other Discord post?

In case you were wondering, that giant blast of light that exploded across the night sky back on January 31st, wasn’t Balloon Boy flying out into space or even some of George Bush Senior’s thousand points of light. Instead, inside sources claim the infamous Bone Gang finally eliminated our solar system’s biggest threat… No, not The Crank, the planet Pluto itself! Those in the know, rightly call our 9th planet, Yuggoth, a sinister home planet (er, planetoid?) to the evil evolved fungi (er, fungtoids?), the Migo. This race, the Migo, have been a plague on mankind even longer than the Ghetto Shaman’s “barely legal spiritual retreats.” 

Treating humans no better than lab rats, the Migo have been known to conduct cruel experiments, such as removing the still living brains of humans and placing them in metal cylinders (as seen on Futurama).  They have also been known to utilize persistent telemarketing techniques to the same phone number for sinister solicitation purposes. Sometimes the Migo insert their consciousness into the voided skull. For Dave Atsals, and many of our politicians, the removing-of-the-brain part can be skipped. 

Still, you might be wondering how the Bone Gang pulled off this miraculous feat. They simply disguised their space going blimp as an asteroid and, after grabbing a few spare nukes from the Russian black market, they went all Ben Affleck at a free booze convention on their asses.

Since it is a matter of national security, we can’t tell you how Devo Devins managed to transport one nuke into the center of their fungus covered world of ice. Nor should we tell you how he dropped a second nuke on Cthulhu’s head when the Migo tried to summon this thing that should not be (other than Pierce Winslow). We can, however, tell you that Phillip Brownhurst has opened up a new chain in Cambridge Mass, which features a Cthulhu burger with a side of fungus fries.

So what is next on the Bone Gang’s agenda? This is obviously a well-kept secret. There are rumors of a Bone for President campaign, circling in certain nefarious circles. But an anarchist in the White House? It can’t be any worse than what we’ve been dealing with over the last decade. There are many that would love to see America Boned. Others have concern over my wishes to change our currency to read, ‘In Yig We Trust.’

For those confused by this sensationalistic Lovecraftian rant, all of your questions will be answered in my new book, The Chronicles of Jack Primus.  Or, maybe not.  But this cheap shameless plug is real enough. And, yes, for posting this I will buy you a beer, Zano.  You cheap bastard!

Hey, if anyone else wants to promote their work on the Daily Discord, it’s simple.  Press the Contact button on our website, CEO Pierce Winslow will promptly relay the message to Mick Zano, who will immediately lose it and then presto!  Nothing.

HELP WANTED: m/f/other
POSITION: President of large North American country

HELP WANTED: m/f/other POSITION: President of large North American country

Are you an independent thinker?  Do you want to earn over 200K a year after taxes?  Taxes that, if you’re hired, you can probably dodge anyway?

Experience needed in writing and public speaking. Must have ability to follow a budget and at least 2 years experience in profit/loss management. Must be proficient in picking the right people for open positions.  Knowledge of U.S. Constitution a must. Need proof of efficiency training. Must prove citizenship. Ability to aim and fire a weapon helpful, but not required.  

Scuba diving certificate and knowledge of deep sea aquatic engineering a plus.

Career politicians, lawyers, and persons affiliated with the far left or the far right-fringe elements NEED NOT APPLY.

Obama Vying for Government Control over Financial Markets and Hookers

Rick Right Pernick

Obama is campaigning for financial reform by attacking the evils of greedy Wall Street executives, who he blames for the housing market meltdown, the ensuing credit crunch, and alternate street parking.  Just as he did with “health care reform,” Obama is creating a manufactured crisis in order to generate support for a government takeover of the financial markets, banks, and credit unions by suggesting that another financial crisis is immanent if financial reform is not passed.  Make no mistake, this bill WILL provide for a complete takeover of ALL financial institutions by the federal government.  And, even more disturbing, the next target of the administration may be the Daily Discord itself!

Obama is coordinating with the SEC, the DNC, Google, and the mainstream media, an attack on Goldman Sachs to support his agenda for more government control of the markets.  This is not mere coincidence.  This past Friday morning the SEC announced its charges against Goldman Sachs.  At 10:38 a.m. the New York Times broke this story into, what the Discord often describes as, “tiny shards of sensationalism.” 28 minutes later Organizing for America sent out an email from Barack Obama calling on people to support financial reform. The New York Times immediately followed with a story condemning Goldman Sachs. By mid afternoon, the DNC had its Google ads up tying the Goldman Sachs matter to financial reform with a direct link to the White House. By evening they’re all sipping gin spritzers and ordering the female entrainment.  This chain of events is stunning!  Not Ghetto Shaman stunning, but pretty bad.  

Sen. Chris Dodd has submitted his bill directly to Senate Majority Leader Dirty Harry Reid, bypassing the normal committee process, with no Republican support (which, on a good note, may help Zano sleep a little easier at night).

I have read the summary of this bill (while intoxicated, of course—a necessary evil).  Much has been said about opposition to the bank taxed $50B fund to finance future bailouts.  Democrats deny the fund is for bailouts, but the language of the bill proves the fund will be used at the discretion of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau for purposes of restoring viability or liquidation of the financial entity (which I believe may have something to do with hookers).  The CFPB—a completely autonomous agency housed within the government’s treasury department, but a legitimate acronym nevertheless—will have complete control over all banks and non-banks including small community banks and depositor owned credit unions, and will solely determine which financial products and services are sold to consumers.  Obama touts that the bill will end the policy of Too Big To Fail, thus ending bailouts, but what the bill actually will do is provide the Obama’s Treasury Department complete control to break up Too Big To Fail companies so they are no longer be too big to fail, using shareholder funds to finance their own breakup.

Obama claims shareholders will have a say on pay for executive compensation, supposedly giving shareholders a “powerful opportunity” to hold executives accountable, BUT THE RIGHT TO VOTE ON COMPENSATION IS NON-BINDING! …which, again, may have something to do with hookers.

Again, as per my last post, the bill will do NOTHING to correct problems that lead to the financial collapse in the housing market, given the fact it fails to repeal the CRA (Community Reinvestment Act of 1977), which enabled and encouraged mortgage loans through federal regulation and enforcement, to be made to low-income people who lacked the ability to re-pay the loans.  It does nothing to reverse the federal governments regulations that enabled bank and other financial systems to bundle these high-risk loans that the government run Fannie-Mae and Freddie-Mac were only to willing to buy up at the tax-payers expense.  This bill cannot fix the problem because it fails to address the REAL causes of the banking collapse. 

But for the same reason HCR wasn’t about health care, it was about the eventual government takeover of the health-care industry, this financial reform bill is all about the eventual government takeover of the financial markets.  Admittedly, I have not tied this government over reach, or reach around, to hookers, but I am close…very close.

Daily Discord Admits to Photoshopping Giant Guatemalan Sink Hole

Daily Discord Admits to Photoshopping Giant Guatemalan Sink Hole

Philadephia, PA—The Daily Discord surrendered to authorities today after admitting they created the infamous photo plastered all over the media last week.  The image caused quite a commotion.

Maria Juarez of Guatemala City said, “I recognized the location and shouted, ‘Our day care center! The Earth has devoured our children!’”

“We never thought it would get this far,” said Mick Zano, a Discord contributor.  “The hole in the photo looks ridiculously large, spherical, and fake…like Michael Moore.”

CEO, Peirce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the incident.

“We picked this image out of four sink hole submissions.  The first had a big eye at the bottom (heh, heh), the second had a Cthulhu-like tentacle coming up out of it, and the last one depicted Reid and Pelosi doing some jungle love action down there.  I really didn’t understand that one.  I decided to keep it simple—just the big hole—and then we submitted the thing to places, and wow!  I wanted to correct the mistake, but sometimes good business is where you find it.  And sometimes, just sometimes, that somewhere is at the bottom of a giant PhotoShopped hole in Guatemala.” 

“We thought we could get away with it,” said Zano.  “I mean, who reports live from Guatemala?   We probably just fly over it with some secret Predator Blogs, or something.  But, it got too big too fast, so our lawyer suggested we come forward.  He’s a busy man, our lawyer.”

If something you submit gets too big, too fast for over four hours, consult your physician immediately. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths?  Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right?  So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders?  Stuff like this makes me crazy!

Jack P.

Lakewood, NJ

Dear Jack,

Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths.  Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary.  Do I have to teach you people everything?  I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy.  Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.

The Ghetto Tolkien

Screw You and the Deficit You Rode in On (a Zano Rant: Part Deux)

Mick Zano

You keep doing it.  All of you!  Rick, your post is great—no argument (well, a little argument).  It clarifies the Dems stupidity. I have mentioned the role of Clinton’s de-regulations in my own posts (as well as Dodd and Frank’s culpability on Fannie and Freddie). It certainly factored into my original estimates.  But, as usual, you are focusing on one turd in the corner, while you continually fail to see the massive pile of excrement right in front of you.  No, not the Daily Discord (geesh, everyone’s a critic).

Bush, the Tea Party, and Fiscal Conservatism for Dummies

The above budget deficit numbers show how waging two wars instead of one, with a side order of tax breaks for all, was actually the largest contributors to our debt.  Although, in Bush’s defense, he was responding to a Halliburton 2-for-1 deal.  But wait, if you start arbitrarily bombing the shit out of someone else by the end of this commercial, you’ll also get these faulty electrical systems.

Everyone at Fox continues to believe all we need is another war (Iran), and some more tax cuts (for the rich).  Again, I have been saying dumb and dumber all along.  I have always called the Dem contribution dumb, hardily a ringing endorsement, but you guys just always manage to lock in that dumber position, as if not to be outdone.

Not to sound anything like Senator Craig, but, “I am not, nor have I ever been a Democrat.”

Well, once, but I don’t like to talk about it.  Let’s blame the Dems for the entire 20% of the deficit that constitutes Fannie and Freddie (it’s not true, of course, but a chunk is certainly theirs).  But let’s assume you’re completely right—with no actual investigation—just the ‘he said, she said’ stuff.  What about the other 80% of our deficit?  Slipped your mind, eh?  It slipped Fox’s mind, that’s for sure.  Sometimes a 24/7 news cycle isn’t enough.  I never said that doubling down on Bush’s deficit was a good idea, so the right is right about something.  It happens, Forrest.

Everyone should have to read your article, Rick.  It’s a great review of Fannie and Freddie, as far as we can decipher it.  I want a full investigation too, but our government is far too corrupt for that. Don’t any of you get it yet?  Your candidate, D or R, is not going to help at this point, and if the only possible third party force we can muster now is actually vying for position of dumbest…well, if the fat lady isn’t singing, she’s certainly clearing her throat.

[Exhibit A: The BP oil spill]

Democrats:  It’s Bush’s fault (dumb: well, some validity)

Republicans: It’s Obama’s fault (dumber: well, some validity)

Tea Party: It’s the environmentalist’s fault (dumbest: no validity)

(You’ll find this equation works on most issues.)

There was a time when you were entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts.  Those days are gone.  The media and politicians only push, and/or make up, their own numbers.  Funny how it always seems to jive with their ideology. And, if you prove something wrong over on MSNBC, as shitty as they are, they still make retractions.  Fox just makes a justification special on their faulty data.  I have been more astounded by the Foxeteer’s oblivion, because we’ve had eight years to contemplate Bush’s presidency and the learning curve is like BP on Quaaludes.  The best part of W. dribbled down his father’s oil rig.  And if there was no Barney Frank, it would be necessary for Fox to invent him.  And someone at the Weekly Standard would have written a great article on how [imaginary figure 1] destroyed America (and just when Bush was going to let free markets reign and send us all to friggin Disney Land).

The Republican-supporting Tea Party movement is a reaction to fiscal conservatism gone horribly wrong.  So they will swing this pendulum way too far to the right in a reaction against their own voting records.  They will cut everything from every state budget and wonder why it didn’t work (unless you are a mortician).  Every politician in AZ is running right now on “cutting all spending across the board.”  In other words, destroying our infrastructure, our way of life, and bringing us to a Bangladesh level of services (BLS).  BLS, we’re not the ones who make the Prozac, we’re the ones who will deny it for the severely mentally ill in the name of tax breaks. 

Yes, they will need their guns.  We are currently sentencing many to die, with or without Arizona’s Prop 100.

A few years from now they will begin to understand the implications of their, ahum “decisions.”  I get the fact that we’re broke, but when schools, hospitals, and social service programs collapse, then they will realize the woes of rebuilding them from scratch on the tax payer’s dime.  That’ll save money, fer sure.  They will also see how such a collapse is not good for the local economies.  Lose, lose…or, as I call it, The Fox News All Stars

I am mad at Obama for very different reasons than the Foxeteers. He hasn’t restored the rule of law.  This doesn’t bother you, because freedom’s just another word for, well, Fox tells you what freedom is or isn’t and you shouldn’t disagree with them. Funny how their version of freedom tends to coincide with their stock options.  Remember, Fox still always has one nice thing to say about Bush: the Bush tax cuts worked.  So look at the chart again.  Now, stare at it until you can see the sail boat.

What the Fuck Did I Do? Self Background Check for People Who Can’t Remember College

Haven’t you ever wondered, what the hell happened your sophomore year?  Why did she really break up with me?  Why did I wake up naked in that a Tijuana jail?  Was that gladiatorial games reference on the back of that citation legit, or simply some cop’s bad handwriting?

Hi, I’m Mick Zano, and I don’t remember anything that happened in college.  I know many of the Discord contributors were there and lots of campus, local, and state police personnel.  But, after just six hours of reviewing What the Fuck Did I Do?, I understood a lot more about my shady past as well as my recurring nightmares.   As it turns out, I really can’t work in this field, and should resign now.  And, yes, it was gladiatorial games, by the way.

“I knew my husband was an asshole in college,” said Mrs. Zano.  “And now, after he shared the details of his sordid past from What the Fuck Did I Do?, I want him out of my life forever.”

Dave Atsals had this to say, “I realize I misjudged my probation officers.  After reading the file over a long weekend, well, I would’ve been a dick to me too.  You really can’t begin the healing process until you know what happened. And, now I know I’m a terrible, terrible, unredeemable soul, and I think I’m a better person for it.”

Hi, I’m Shagg, owner and founder of What the Fuck Did I Do?  I had to double my disk space and bandwidth when the Discord gang signed up for my services, but the peace of mind they now share is worth every penny.  And, remember, I’m not only the What the Fuck Did I Do? president, I’m also a client.

The Truth about Liberal Lies

Rick Right Pernick

Obama wants you to believe Wall Street caused the financial meltdown to force more regulation. In fact, it was liberal operatives in government that enabled it.  As long as liberals choose to deny facts and refuse to live up to their own failures, we will have people like Obama spewing lies and deceptions in a personal quest to socialize this country. 

Carter started the fiasco with his 1977 Community Reinvestment Act.  In 1993, Clinton multiplied the problem amending the CRA by mandating quotas to force banks and finance companies to give loans to minorities who could not afford them.  In a few states like California, you didn’t even have to provide proof of employment or income verification.  Some didn’t have to even have a pulse.  See how well that’s working out for them?

The new federal regulations were tested a year later when a bank in NH wanted to expand and ACORN protested because the bank was deemed discriminatory; they refused loans to minorities at a higher percentage than whites.  It didn’t matter that the minorities were lower-income, and therefore legitimately failed to qualify under the same guidelines as whites, they were deemed discriminatory and the bank merger was denied.  This shot fired across the bow of banks effectively forced financial institutions to make loans to people who failed to meet normal qualifications, if the banks had any desire to expand their business. 

In 1999, Clinton signed into law the Gramm, Leach, Bliley act allowing banks, securities firms, and insurance companies to merge into bigger institutions and to sell each other’s products (including home loans, and stocks in such disreputable ezines as the Daily Discord).  The government regulators under the guise of de-regulation allowed these high-risk loans to be bundled and sold on the financial market.  This is how the largest insurance company in the world, AIG, was allowed to be caught up in this financial funk. 

Fannie and Freddie, under the control of democrat political operatives like Obama advisors Franklin Raines and Jim Johnson, bought up most of these high risk mortgages, hid the potential damage using Enron-style accounting, and took hundreds of millions of dollars from the companies as compensation in the process.  Similar to the disreputable accounting practices the Daily Discord.

The warning signs were there, and according to Investors Business Daily; “President Bush, reviled and criticized by Democrats, tried no fewer than 17 times, by White House count, to raise the issue of Fannie-Freddie reform. A bill cleared the Senate Banking panel in 2005, but stalled due to implacable opposition from Democrats and a critical core of GOP abettors. Rep. Barney Frank, who now runs the powerful House Financial Services Committee, helped spearhead that fight.” 

The fact is, democrats using government regulation of financial institutions created and thus enabled this mess, not Wall Street.  While some Wall Street executives of certain firms took advantage of government regulations in handling high risk investments, they did so within the parameters established by the government regulators.  It’s important to remember financial institutions have been heavily regulated by the federal government since the stock market crash of 1929.  Further government interference via regulation will only exacerbate the problem, not rectify it.

Ann Coulter Sued by Opportunistic Leftist Bitches

Ann Coulter Sued by Opportunistic Leftist Bitches

A group of New Jersey moms have announced their intentions today of filing a lawsuit against Ann Coulter for inflammatory statements made last week at Princeton University while she crushed the life out of a small puppy.  The five progressive feminists are “deeply hurt and offended” by Coulter’s remarks.

“She called us names, which we categorize as hate speech, and we hate her speeches as well,” said Betty Jenkins of Tom’s River.

“My ears are still bleeding,” added Barb Nelson of Camden.  “Not because of her speech, Ann repeatedly jammed a pen into them.”

In retaliation to the hurtful verbiage, the group plans to create a PhotoShopped version of Coulter in a Nazi uniform sporting a strap-on.  They then plan to barrage the internet with these images through their wildly popular Facebook pages.

“We have reason to believe she is a Nazi lesbian,” said Mrs. Jenkins.  “Or, at least that was our conclusion at the last ‘all pussy pajama party’” (as seen on the Ghetto Shaman’s favorite links!)

“It’s ridiculous,” responded Coulter.  “I already have a penis, so a strap-on is totally superfluous, and, more importantly, my Nazi uniform fits.”

Coulter feels these “sniveling prissy liberal sluts” are going to get theirs and then she inquired as to the time and location of the next ‘all pussy pajama party.’  Incidentally, so did the Ghetto Shaman.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any paranormal abilities, Shaman? Through an ageless creed I have wrestled the boa and dodged the skin walker on the rocky hills of my ancestors.

Biff F.

Durango, CO

Dear Bifffff,

Oh, yeah, tough guy? Well, I have watched the Apollo Creed box the Rocky Balboa, and I have even TiVo’d the Walker Texas Ranger. As far as paranormal abilities, I have near-death experiences regularly (most involve entering establishments I am currently barred from). Oh, and visiting my ancestors is pretty rocky too—with the restraining order and all.

The Ghetto Shaman

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Protest

The Crank

When the new Arizona law on immigration was announced, all the liberal slash progressive types in the media and the entertainment field came out of the woodwork, like PhotoShoppers on Draw Muhammad Day. It was kinda like the White House rat, I mean Rahm, when he stole the show from Obama’s last speech.  Oh, and thanks to all the cities and officials that want to boycott Arizona. The only people they are hurting is the Hispanic population. They practically run the service industry.  I’m sure we’re all shaking in our boots now that Than Franthithco won’t be here any time soon. I have two words to say to all of the above, THANK YOU. No, REALLY, thank you.

Yes, thank you for all the attention. Thank you for not reading, nor caring to read, any part of the law. Thank you for bringing the country’s undivided attention to our part of the world. The whole country now knows that our Attorney General will give Black Panthers and union thugs a “get out of jail free” card.  I see NU-THING, I hear

NU-THING…while announcing to the world, “I do not have to read a law to know it is wrong. I have ESP, and am a black progressive, and look like Oprah’s boyfriend, so therefore I am correct.”

Thank you for pointing out that Ms. Nappy, ex Governor of AZ, now head of Homeland Security, can hold such a position while admitting to total amnesia. “Mr-er-Ms. Secretary, we have letters you, as Arizona’s Governor, sent to then President George Bush, wanting him to send troops to the border and finish building the fence.”

She replied, “Uh, Senator, I have no recollection of any such letters.  I don’t know nutin, I just woik here.”

Yes, she has a cork at the end of her forks so she doesn’t jam them into her eye sockets.  Apparently, she also has ESP.

“I do not have to read a law to know it’s bad, I am a Lesbian progressive liberal with a permanent bad hair day, and those facts instantly nullify all your arguments.”

Thank you, also, all the elected officials and police chiefs from the northeast and northwest, for knowing what is best for people living in an area you have never visited, nor have any understanding as to WTFIGO (what the fuck is going on).

What youse all have done is to bring to the attention of the whole country something that they all know is a reaction to a government that has, for many years, shirked its responsibility on the border. A law that was copied word for word from a federal law that has been in effect for some 30 years (unconstitutional?).  I love that last part; it shows just how much info one gets on the Lamestream Media. One liberal friend was profoundly surprised to hear it was already a federal law.

“I never heard that on CNN or MSNBC!”

Oh yeah, he can’t watch Fox, they lie J.

Hey, I think we need some more advice from Hollywood types. I have yet to hear from Babs (I Have The Best Voice In The World So I Am An Expert On All Things) Streisand, or what about that wonderful singer from Tucson, you know, “I Used To Be A Hottie Singer But Now I’m A UPS Truck With A Megaphone,” er, what’s her name, Linda Ronstadt. We also need to get Don Henley’s attention away from gouging old people with incredibly priced tickets to Eagles’ concerts.  I am lost without more uninformed opinions.  Thank god for The Discord. 

Come on guys, we know you all are at LEAST as stupid as Al (Expert For A Price) Sharpton! Alice Cooper once said in an interview that people in the entertainment industry are the last people you want an opinion from, having spent most of their formative years in various stages of semi-consciousness. When this fellow Valley of Sunner was asked if he was politically correct, he answered “politically incoherent.”

Almost 70 % of Arizona residents agree with the law. Over 60 % nationwide. And now, for the best part; 40 other states have now donated tens thousands of dollars to a legal defense fund set up to defend the law in court. 12 other states are thinking about their own versions. Just this morning, Senate Dems voted down a bill that would have sent 6,000 troops to the border, and enough cash to finish the fence.

Come on Washington. Lead, follow, or GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY.

But it’s a dry Crank!