Palin Faces Ethics Panel

In a potential scandal, Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin recently tried getting her former brother-in-law fired from the state police. She will soon face an Alaskan ethics panel to determine if she abused her powers. We at the Discord believe the interrogation should be led by Michael Palin of Monty Python fame. She should face both the rack and/or the comfy chair…because ‘nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.’

The Sir Woody Chronicles

Salutations, seekers of sophistication and acumen. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Woodrow Emerson Prescott III, or “Sir Woody” to my colleagues.  A fortnight hence, during a serendipitous ejection from Pugsley’s Public House, I chanced upon the editors of the “Daily Discord” who solicited me to compose an authoritative column for their publication. My area of expertise, I ascertained, is how to maintain a sophisticated lifestyle in shelterless urban environs. It is my sincere belief that my libertarian associates benefit from my example of gentlemanly comportment, and I am imbued with optimism that I can bestow similar wisdom upon the general literary public and those Metropolitan Roving Survival Aficionados (or MRSA-neries as I call them).

The first school of thought in corporate real estate is, “location, location, location”. Location is ephemeral to the ever transient. Those not auspicious enough to habitate in more southerly climates must endure the adversities of frigid air, preferably with a box from Frigidaire. Such cardboard casas are one of many copious techniques to sustain optimum bodily temperatures when the Fahrenheit plummets below the freezing point.

The quaint and archetypal image of ladies and gentlemen congregating in the vicinity of a roaring barrel fire has long elapsed. The quest for warmth has become an individual endeavor. Layering is the optimum solution, and in this era of green technology and recycling, discarded newspapers act as superlative insulation and engender a feeling of environmental activism and responsibility. Recent advances in ink and chemically laden paper have reduced the most disagreeable “smearage factor.” No longer does one appear like a Dickensian chimney sweep, a West Virginia coalminer, or some outdated minstrelesque faux pa.

The accessibility of the business section and book reviews is a peripheral benefit that should not be neglected!

Those who are industrious and possess the adroit skills of a Boy Scout can assemble a heat-capturing pavilion utilizing a large swathe of plastic siding and string.  Alas, boy scouts themselves will warm one’s château in a pinch, although a plucky girl scout is my preference for both their perky pookas as well as their palatable pralines.

Simply envelop a sidewalk storm grate that exhumes steam from below. You may recollect the famous photograph of Marilyn Monroe coyly attempting to maintain her feminine dignity while a lusty gust of air failed to expose her delicates. Later that evening, once Marilyn, her entourage and the paparazzi departed, six people shared that very grate. It was a magical night for the ages.

Exercise is a crucial component to maintaining peak physical conditioning. Bipedal transportation, admittedly, is the sole source of mobility for my demographic group. I proudly proclaim that I promenade a minimum of twenty miles a day. Many of my more fitness passionate compatriots accomplish this feat via a circumambulatory route where I choose a more linear trajectory frequenting the parks, shopping malls and public museums. I find it extremely inspiring when our uniformed law enforcement officers loudly exclaim their encouragement for me to “keep moving.” My daily constitutionals would be impossible without their vigilant support.

To live in a country of such abundance is a blessing. A gourmet diet is easily achievable in our land of milk and honey (although, be wary of the discarded milk). Each night, Italian pizzerias receive numerous unscrupulous and erroneous telephone orders. The undeliverable pizza pies are discarded at the conclusion of each work night. And many of my colleagues confess that stacked pizza boxes make for excellent head pillows. One twenty-five cent piece can muster a culinary feast celebrating the melting pot that is America.

A brief sojourn in my daily routine is a hearty brunch at the local soup kitchen. I delight at the intellectual discourse that permeates the atmosphere reminding me of an ivy-league university student union. Discussions range from criminal justice and pharmacology to the latest in mental illness and religious experience, transfixing patrons to a higher plane of philosophy and thinking.

Now don’t imagine for a moment that just because the traditional 3-bedroom domicile is absent, one’s primordial desires go unfulfilled. The instinctive inclinations of men and women are easily satiated by those willing and ambitious enough to employ themselves in the carnal arts. Dalliances under a refrigerator box or in a Salvation Army clothing dumpster are the proverbial love nests. My favorite lass, Gummy Rose, a retired yet self-employed artisan of the flesh is a callipygian beauty for all those with a spare fiver to splurge. The free clinic gratefully administers inoculation services to mitigate any shared pathogens or crustaceous cohabiters of dubious origin.

Those who traverse the boulevards and alleyways of a large metropolis often excrete a tremendous amount of perspiration, making proper hygiene a challenge. There exists a variety of agreeable deodorants that obfuscate any felonious odors. Discarded automobile air fresheners when festooned from the neck exude a satisfying pine tree fragrance and accentuate one’s modish prettification. To enhance the bodies’ natural bouquet, various alcohol-based concoctions when imbibed in sufficient quantities permeate a sweet and sour dermis medley that pre-announces your entrance to any room.

Being devoid of material possessions has allowed me to follow more cerebral, sophisticated pursuits. Much like the Buddha, all I own is contained in a solitary shopping cart. May I add, K-mart pushcarts are the Rolls Royces of transportable towage with the smoothest and most vertical alignment? The fries from a thousand diners grease my wheels of pragmatic progress.  I have zero credit card bills, car or mortgage payments, there’s no compulsion to “keep up with the Jones’s” and no concerns or stress regarding employment promotions. Fornicate the Jones’s.

I feel a closer affinity to our ancestors who lived a more simple life before the age of electricity and luxury. I sincerely believe this exposé on how to live truly free and in comfort will inspire those considering such an alternative lifestyle. My needs are simpler yet my tastes remain refined. I still take my tea at three and it’s a marvel of science that you can get over 200 cups with one single bag. It is trifle weak after about 150 but supplemented with brandy, wine, whiskey, rum, scotch or vodka there is no end to the pedestrian epicurean delights. Don’t even get me started on the hidden treats amidst those fast food dumpsters and the shear magnitude of their discarded buns, or urban crumpets as I call them.

I trust this editorial will help the urban newbies transition smoothly into the adventures of vagabondia, so until next time.

Cloning of Japanese Chia Pet Condemned as ‘Abomination’ by local Sea Monkeys

It’s been a long week and I still haven’t gotten to the bank or post office, so could you please use your imagination a little bit? Humor me. Think about how oriental Chia Pets would react to the unethical cloning of those freaky childhood monkey-brine thingies from our childhoods.  I wanted a decoder ring.  They sounded cool.  Sea monkeys were OK, I suppose, but there was nothing really monkey-like about them.

Cheney: King of the Damned?

Mick Zano

Warning: To the casual reader who is blissfully unaware of the darker goings-on within the current administration, the contents of this article may prove deeply disturbing. To those with weak constitutions: consider Ron Paul’s candidacy.
Dick Cheney at 1939 World’s Fair

Something sinister has happened to Vice President Dick Cheney. My suspicions were aroused after viewing a video clip, circa Desert Storm, wherein Mr. Cheney alludes to the insanity of a regime change in Iraq. He prognosticates that if Saddam Hussein were to be toppled, pieces of Iraq would “fly off,” ultimately leaving us stuck in a “quagmire.” (His words; my quotations; Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts). Equally stunning is the conclusion of the video, wherein Mr. Cheney is seen licking an ice cream cone and petting a small dog—possibly a pug—while warning of the dangers of global over-industrialization.

Since then, yours truly did some digging…and oh, what macabre truths have been unearthed. I believe that President Bush is simply a human ghoul guarding Cheney’s lair back at his ‘undisclosed location.’ If the opportunity arises, move in as close as possible to the VP, then whip out a shard of mirror or some other reflective surface to see if he casts an image. Sadly, our own roving reporter, Skippy Morowitz, was gunned down within inches of the VP while attempting this very feat.

Cheney’s former chief assistant, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, apparently played a more Renfield-like role. During his obstruction hearing last year, Libby sent this enigmatic message to New York Times reporter Judith Miller: “They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them.” What you may not know is that the postscript read: “Send juicy centipedes.” More intriguing was Cheney’s response to Scooter’s pardon. “It saves me the trouble of deciding whether to visit his jail cell in the form of a wolf or a greenish vapor.”

Some disbelievers may ask why most Cheney sightings continue to occur during daylight hours, but I’ve got two words for you skeptics: Adobe Photoshop. Speaking of which, perhaps the most compelling proof is the completely doctored photo seen at the right.

Several other theories have surfaced regarding Cheney’s atypical behaviors. These include, but are not limited to, alien abduction, Australian-rules cloning, mutant werewolf ninjas, and, perhaps least credible of all, the emergence of a Dormant Evil Gene (D.E.G.). Some of these theories may seem fantastic, even made up, but they do beg the question—is Dennis Kucinich a UFO?

Although the particulars remain up for debate, a growing truth is becoming apparent: Dick Cheney is a supernatural entity. If not a vampire then perhaps he’s a pod-person or possibly a zombie clone of some sort. How else could any administration pull off the most heinous expansion of executive powers since Howard Taft discovered marzipan?

The current administration is unimpeachable, unsympathetic, and, quite possibly, undead. Mounting evidence suggests Cheney is amassing Sauron-like powers in his de-Googlefied mountaintop fortress. That’s right, folks: his residence has been removed from Google satellite images, so even Tom Tom can’t find Dick Dick.

The final nail in the coffin is this: weeks before Skippy Morowitz’s tragic death, he secretly obtained this picture of what is believed to be Cheney’s new and improved residence:

Cheney's new and improved residence
Cheney’s new and improved residence

Vice President Cheney and his underlings can listen to our phone conversations, read our emails, and imprison and torture us without provocation or due process. But even he went too far when he added the following to his list of approved interrogation techniques (Christmas edition):

1. Such “enhanced techniques” may consist of the following, among other things, according to circumstance:
Deprivation of sleep
Stress positions
Waterboarding
Impaling (suspected terrorists only)
Draining of blood (on second thought, just send them to the VP’s office)

Ultimately, we must discover a way to destroy the seat of Cheney’s power: his sacred book, the Neo-Necronomicon, which is believed to be buried deep within his cadaver-sized safe along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, two missing CIA torture tapes, and the only known copy of Nixon: The Musical. We must recover and destroy these items…well, all of them except for the CIA tapes. We’d better hang on to those to defeat an equally diabolical monster: Frankenbush.

Fox’s Tentative Fall Line-Up

  1. Survivor Tijuana: Anyone who makes it all night without a tattoo or an S.T.D. wins passage back to U.S.
  2. Coyote for a Day: contestants are tested on how many illegals they can sneak over the border.
  3. Pimp my Fridge Carton: The show that proves you don’t have to live in a house to have bling.
  4. The Ultimate FOX News Experience: short skirts, tight shirts, big boobs, blond hair, no sound.
  5. Trading Spaces-Incarceration Edition: How well can inmates decorate each others cells?
  6. C.S.I West Virginia: can’t check dental records, no one has seen a dentist in decades. DNA? No good here, 3 million people, 6 last names.
  7. Liberal Survivor: Seven Pacifists Stranded on an Island with Ann Coulter: Only one will leave.
  8. SADtv: Stooges Against Democrats: the FOX News All-Stars
  9. The Limpsons: When Even Viagra Doesn’t Cut It
  10. Boston Public Works: see how much money you can skim off Boston public works projects.

Bones of Ancient "Real" Republican Unearthed

Archeologist discovers the fossilized remains of a traditional George Will-like conservative dating back to the pre-Reagan administration.

"This exciting find could provide key evidence for the comparative study of Republican de-evolution," claims archeologist Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Microbrewery. "The skull is 31% larger than today’s social conservative," continues Hogbein, "and the pelvic bone suggests a much larger and heavier scrotal sack."

Newer conservatives seem to have lost the ability to use tools, keep governments small, and maintain even a rudimentary budget.

"Perhaps," posits Hogbein, "evolution is getting even with the non-believers."

Restore Habeas Corpus: Then Explain It to Me

Mick Zano

Why is the recent Habeas Corpus Supreme Court decision so important? The writ of Habeas Corpus is the cornerstone of the Bill of Rights. Habeas Corpus is the right of any individual unlawfully placed in detention to receive legal council, a fair hearing, or Circus Peanuts. (Oh, that stale marshmellowy goodness.)

"Habeas Corpus secures every man here, alien or citizen, against everything which is not law, whatever shape it may assume."

— Thomas Jefferson (that left-wing, terrorist lover).

One can assume that Jefferson meant even if the ‘shape’ comes in the form of the aforementioned Circus Peanut.

If your government can pick you up, detain you indefinitely without trial or charges, the Bill of Rights and the Constitution are moot! In fact, if someone tries to permanently suspend Habeas Corpus, our forefather encouraged us to run around in circles, flailing our arms. While this advice has raised my metabolism considerably—allowing me to indulge on the occasional Circus Peanut—it has done nothing to restore our rights. Frankly, we’ve dressed as Indians and held wild tea parties for much less offenses. Today, just ‘offending’ the government could book someone a one way ticket on the Gitmo express.

You might be saying, “But they would never do that!”

Did you ever take a civics class, theoretical question person? Do you huff paint thinner, per chance?

With Harris v. Nelson (1969) the Supreme Court determined the “writ of habeas corpus is the fundamental instrument for safeguarding individual freedom against arbitrary and lawless state action.” If recent government proceedings have not been arbitrary, I don’t know what is. The ‘great writ’ has been undone by the ‘great twit.’ The fact that John McCain is complaining about the restoration of Habeas says a lot about this presumptive president and his priorities. Next he’ll be telling us he doesn’t use the Internets.

Our forefathers actually borrowed this ‘great writ’ from the Magna Carta of 1215. Such rights aren’t pre-9/11 thinking, they’re more accurately pre-1215 thinking. Do you know what happened in 1214? I don’t, but I’m reasonably sure it was before the Bushes or the Clintons held office (by a month or two). 1214, people! Even longer than Bush rolled back those EPA regulations (by a month or two).

You might be saying, “Why do enemy combatants need rights?”

Look, paint-thinner boy, your government can declare anyone an enemy combatant and is therefore no longer burdening itself with providing any pesky evidence or proof. The rule of law has not only broken down, but it has been stripped to the block and the parts sold on fucking E-bay! Can I make this any clearer? That is why this decision to restore it is so important.

It is not good enough to say, “well, our president would never abuse such powers”; the point is, no one should ever wield such power. That’s what checks and balances mean. That is why Gandalf, Galadriel, or Mr. Fabulous would not accept Sauron’s ring of power. There was a Mr. Fabulous in Middle-Earth, wasn’t there?

I’ll never forget watching C-span in my underwear with a bucket of vodka (the Monday night special) as some senator asked Alberto Gonzales, “Aren’t you concerned that these expanded powers in the wrong hands might be abused?”

He responded, “Yeah. Like I hope the next dude is, like, righteous,” or something equally inane.

You might be saying, “Well, all I can say is, it hasn’t affected my life.”

Are you serious, theoretical question person? Put down that magic marker, this instant.

Let me use an extreme example: it’s a little late when you’re on the train to Auschwitz to start tapping the SS officer on the shoulder. I’m talking to you Sean Hannity. Although, I do approve of your recent Hannity-Youth Movement. I think it’s patriotic and well-grounded in rationality. In fact, anyone would be an ‘enemy of the state’ not to join this wholesome brand of governmental programming.

To heck with waterboarding; only three countries have ever officially condoned stress positions during interrogations: the U.S., Turkey, and Nazi Germany…or—as the pharmaceutical companies call them—the Axis of Advil. I have been following Andrew Sullivan’s blog, and, like him, I believe “Sane and civilized societies do not give permission for such things. And they do not make excuses for them. And when they discover they have been done, they investigate and prosecute those who broke the law.”

Remember in the movie Cloverfield, when the monster ripped the head clear off the Statue of Liberty? I believe that was a metaphor. Clover = Bush and field = failed; erog, Bush failed. Crimson and clover, over and over. OK, it’s getting late and the hallucinations are starting again. Circus Peanuts, Circus Peanuts. Need more Circus Peanuts.

They’re coming for me again. It’s just that I’ve been in this same stress position for so long, and they don’t let me sleep anymore…

Opinions such as these have led to my being whisked away in the night, denied a lawyer, and formally charged. They even cut off my access to medical marijuana. I have pre-glaucoma in my left eye, for god’s sake! Worst of all, they keep denying my request to be waterboarded with beer. The monsters!

Come hell or high lager, glug-glug, I’m going to write my next compelling article, It’s Hard to Enjoy the Chicken Pilaf Chained Naked to the Wall, glug-glug. Oh, god, here comes the bitch with the leash. Well, this part isn’t so bad. Could someone please call the ACLU? Better wait until the bitch with the leash is finished, then call.

Signed,

Sleepless in Syria

(I think…well, I know I’m sleepless, but the Syria part is an educated guess)

Below is a Discord original recipe. Not like one of those Cindy McCain original recipes—the real thing. For god sakes, man, don’t let them get their hands on this!

The Circus Peanut:

  1. One shot of Banana-Red Maddog
  2. Top off with a whisper of Southern Comfort

Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection

Despite the fact that 17 year old Becky Forrest of Clifton, NJ tested positive for Chlamydia and HPV at her July physical examination, she is maintaining her chastity. “It’s been challenging to earn crack money and keep my abstinence pledge,” says Becky.  Her mother Greta Forrest couldn’t be prouder, “I believe her.  Aside from selling most of our belongings for drug money, she’s an angel.”  Becky’s mother beamed at the doctor’s report with an unparallel level of motherly denial.  “There’s the hand of god at work here…or certainly some part of god.”

Ahmadinejad Denies Last Name is Long, Confusing

US diplomats are urging Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to simplify his last name, or change it outright.  “Something needs to be done for the sake of both diplomacy and locution,” says Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent Cokie McGrath.  Even President Bush himself told Ahmadinejad, “Remember those twenty six words that never should have been said during that infamous State of the Union Address?  Well, you’re name is longer.”  Iranian operatives suggest the Iranian President might be willing to drop the “jad” off the end in exchange for weapons technology.

Toward an Elightened Media

"If you want to change your mind, change the medium."

– Marshall McLuhan

For good or ill, advancements in media technology have revolutionized the means and access of news dissemination and commentary. This presents us with the potential to unite an enlightened population to a degree unseen since the Monkees’ second reunion tour.  We can pass policies on crucial issues that enhance the development of the individual, culture, and international community.

This potential cannot be underestimated.  With the tools of the modern media, we can transform the world itself—except maybe Portugal.  First, we must address some problems: a slack of journalistic standards (cable news), an overabundance of questionable information from unverifiable sources (the White House), huge news conglomerates with profit motives influencing their subject matter (Comedy Central), and a culture that is hypnotized by immediate gratification entertainment (Paris DUI) while too impatient to ingest more meaningful topics of discourse (Lohan DUI).

We can best understand the media by applying Ken Wilber’s 4-quadrant model. From his individual-subjective quadrant, the key principle is the freedom of expression. All peoples must be given the opportunity to express themselves without fear of personal repercussions, jail, or job loss. This freedom must be tempered with a commitment for truth and responsibility that enriches rather than sensationalizes.  Pluralistic liberalism claims to embrace such freedom, yet it is the biggest offender of first amendment rights.   Any politician plugging for the Fairness Doctrine missed a few days of civics class.  I’m talking to you, Pelosi!

In the age of blogging, virtually anybody can express any opinion or story regardless of merit (the Discord). This has led to an overload of untrustworthy or meaningless information (ibid). Our culture craves for a standard of journalism that proves its trustworthiness through honest and responsible reporting via the checking and rechecking of sources (except maybe that Curveball fellow Powell was working with; I’m sure he was on the level).

This leads us to Wilber’s next quadrant, the objective-individual. As a society, we must establish respectable and reputable ethics of journalism, commentary, art, and entertainment. This is the key to our modern dilemma.  Everyone is free to spew their points, but who can we trust for meaningful news? Who will not waste our time? Who will provide vital information leading to the enrichment of our culture and our world (Kiefer DUI)?  Who has sincerely sought truth, inquired deeply into the issues of our time, and transcended all personal and political agendas?

Too much dialogue in modern media merely advertises a particular ideology, which brings us to Wilber’s third quadrant, the subjective-plural, which relates to group expression or, in the case of media, dialogue. When diverse perspectives address conflicting issues, both sides must continually assess and reassess the validity of each other’s perspectives. The goal is not the mere denigration of our opponents through crafty argumentation—although that’s fun—but rather to seek the transformation of the self and culture through the process of Socratic dialogue (Sheen-Richards divorce).

The final quadrant is the objective-plural. This quadrant concerns the use of social and economic institutions for the stimulation of personal and cultural evolution. The dilemma for the modern corporate entity is how to maximize profit and still promote insightful and enriching, yet easily digestible, stories. How do we bridge the gap? People are addicted to reality TV shows, Internet porn, and soap opera dramas that leave them tantalized yet empty.  Businesses know this is where the money lies. How can we both entertain and stimulate? (Besides NakedLesbianFencing.com., which works on all quadrants and all levels.)

We must simultaneously make progress in all quadrants at once. As more people raise their level of consciousness, they will seek out more stimulating media sources (en garde!). As we elevate journalistic standards, we will better recognize and promote responsible media. As these journalists, pundits, and commentators transform through dialogue, so too will their audience. In other words, we have bottomed out on the stupid meter and are, no doubt, climbing toward a, much welcomed, intelligence resurgence.  As corporate institutions recognize the marketability of these higher media endeavors (HMEs), they will invest in more meaningful programming. (Have I mentioned NakedLesbianFencing.com?)

Over the next several weeks we, at the Discord, will analyze each of the more popular commentators and news anchors.  See how Mathews holds up to Limbaugh, or how Hannity compares to Dobbs.  Each week a political commentator will be highlighted, appraised, and dissected for your enjoyment. So let the naked lesbian fencing commence!

No Biden Bounce, Democrats Opt for Conjoined Ticket

O’Hillary meets the press and democratic elite for the first time

In an attempt to resolve the Obama/Clinton primary controversies once and for all the Democratic National Committee (DNC) called upon the Liberal Genetic Engineering Community (LGEC) to solve their problem. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama were genetically recombined into a single entity. This new being, named "O’Hillary," will almost certainly be the overwhelming favorite amongst both Obama and Clinton supporters.

"We were looking for a solution that would satisfy both campaigns," stated Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC. “Despite the apparent capitulation of Hillary Clinton and her campaign we still sensed that a significant portion of the Clinton camp was intent on supporting the Republican candidate out of spite and a feeling of rejection, especially with the selection of Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate. That was just not acceptable. With this solution we feel that we can accomodate everyone involved. In fact, we anticipate the immediate defection of a significant portion of Sen. McCain’s hard-core drunken-Irish support due to affinity for O’Hillary’s name alone. Add to that the uneducated working white, black, female, transgender, evil scientist, and the conjoined twin demographics and we are all but assured a win in the general election."

O’Hillary was first introduced to the public during a recent press conference to the blare of U2’s When Two Hearts Beat as One. This was not aired due to the violent content and adult language. While the newly unified candidate still spars amongst his/herself, it is hoped that the impossibility of separation will eventually force its individual aspects to concede to acting as a single, symbiotic entity. Until then, the Secret Service is doing what it can to keep the two safe, and doctors are reasonably sure they can surgically reconstruct Obama’s left ear.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein

Unwilling to sacrifice malcontent supporters of either Obama or Clinton, the DNC appealed to genetic research lobbyists forever courting Democratic Party legislators. "We were just happy to be of service," commented Dr. Dicensplicem. "And the home of Sen. [Diane] Feinstein was the natural location to perform the procedure. Her home is fully equipped with the latest in genetic engineering equipment for use in her life-prolongation project."

On a related note, the DNC wants to dispel any rumors of combining senatorial hopeful Al Franken and Sen. Diane Feinstein, primarily since no appropriate conjoined name could be agreed upon. However, the Discord was able to obtain this photo.

Bore, the presumptive O’Hillary running mate

Having finally found the ultimate lobbying tool in the production of high-appeal, cross-demographic candidates through the recombination of DNA, it is thought that the genetic research community will receive unprecedented support and funding from the federal government once O’Hillary takes the White House.

This trial, now found to be successful, will almost certainly lead to the production of the ultimate running mate for O’Hillary, Bore.

We are Bore … resistance is fubar.

Sexism, Paganism and the Lost Gospel of Moe

Christianity remains shadowed by the sexist authoritative indoctrination that fueled the establishment of the Orthodox Church for centuries. We must come to terms with our religion’s shady history in order to cleanse our psyches from any prejudices that inhibit the authentic experience of compassion, love, God, and barely legal Japanese anime.

After Jesus’ crucifixion, yet prior to the establishment of an orthodox definition of a “true believer,” the beliefs and practices of professing Christians varied greatly. The Ebionites fought to limit Christian belief within a Jewish framework, in which all of the Jewish laws would be maintained. The Apostle Paul argued against the Ebionites exclusory attitude, leading to the tragic loss of the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not glusten thy neighbor’s gefilte fish.

Simon Magus argued against the literal interpretation of the Bible and instead sought knowledge from the direct experience of God, which Jesus himself was rumored to encourage once during an all-night poker game. Skeptics retort that he may have been bluffing. What did Simon Magus get for his troubles? He was convicted of consorting with demons and sentenced to the seventh circle of Dante’s hell.

At the time, other versions of Gnosticism circulated (later designated to the fifth, eighth, and ninth circles, respectively). What all of these different factions had in common was a deep influence from Greek mystery sects and a conviction that Gnosis (divine knowledge) took precedent over dogma, church authorities, religious law, and even folks like Pat Robertson.

According to the Greek scriptures, Jesus appointed twelve apostles and four branch managers, headed by Peter (CEO), to build and define Christ, Incorporated. It’s peculiar that these twelve people did not include Mary Magdalene. Remember that during Jesus’ crucifixion, all of his fair-weather, water-walkin’, not-ready-for-primetime apostles fled, fearing persecution. Peter even denied knowing Jesus three times, which he later blamed on a combination of the glare and some oak-aged blood of Christ. An alternate defense of Peter comes from the Lost Gospel of Moe, wherein Moe explains that his denials took place in a pub, where Jesus had run up a large bar tab…one of “biblical proportions,” as Moe tells it.

Unlike the weak-willed apostles, Mary Magdalene had the courage to remain by Jesus’ side right up until his death, literally, and has been cleared of any involvement in the “spear” incident. Was there a relationship between the two? An important piece of frivolous fiction, The Da Vinci Code, makes a compelling argument.

In an affirmative action lawsuit, Mary Magdalene asked why she, or any other woman for that matter, should be excluded from the early formation of the Christian Church. By reviewing some of the Gnostic writings, judged heretical by the Orthodox Church, we become aware of a much more broad dimension of Christian belief than is ordinarily considered. As orthodox belief narrowed and the power structure of the church became established, members deemed “off message” were cast out as heretics. For example, you’ve probably never even heard of Moe the Apostle.

In the gospel of Thomas, Peter is quoted as saying “let Mary [Magdalene] leave us, for women are not worthy of life.” Spoken like a true CEO. Conversely, many of the Gnostics had both a masculine and feminine element…at least, that was God’s story when He was seen leaving certain clubs. These Gnostics often held non-hierarchical services, without a priest-ruled power structure. They preached that divine knowledge came only through the direct experience of God, not through the teachings of the priests and bishops. Anybody in the community, including women, could lead services, baptize, prophesize, or heal. Admittedly, the Gnostics sometimes taught bizarre doctrine. There were persistent rumors about ritualized orgies, bobbing for forbidden fruit, and crazed false-idol humping.

Tertullian, a popular writer and noble gas, was influential in defining Orthodox Christianity in the second century. He commented on the early Gnostic feminists: “These heretical women—how audacious they are! They have no modesty; they are bold enough to teach, to engage in argument, to enact exorcisms, to undertake cures, and, it may be, even to baptize!”

Tertullian, emphatic about being “celibate by choice,” was known to shout this randomly to passersby.

The battle over women’s position in the church and society was fought into the late second century as the orthodox community came to accept as dogma the domination of men over women—a position that somehow reversed itself in the early twenty-first century…in my living room.

Along with the repression of the feminine element, orthodox leaders defined as heresy any belief or practice inconsistent with church doctrine. This greatly offended the many Aztec-Christian Cannibal Voodoo sects of the time. Even today, many Christian churches express an exclusionary attitude toward any person who refuses to unquestionably bow down to the accepted dogma of the church. This means you, McCain!

Most Christian churches still restrict women’s directive power. This means you, Hillary! Esoteric religious practices, not accepted or understood by the church, are usually labeled “occult” and demonized as satanic. This means you, Obama!

Many young people today have turned away from Christianity due to these rigid attitudes and early business hours. Churches of all denominations need to recognize the mistakes of the past and begin generating an attitude of inclusiveness and tolerance. If our churches ever hope to become God’s instruments, they must welcome people of differing practices and beliefs so that we all can learn, grow, and heal together. And if that means occasionally sacrificing a goat, then so be it!

NEO-HIPPIES – What the Hell?

The Beatnik’s counter-cultural ideas of the 1950s soon evolved into the hippy movement of the 1960s, and eventually the bowel movements of the 1970s. This beat mindset ultimately permeated the mainstream zeitgeist in the 80s and 90s like a funkadelic fart.

Although many of the Beatnik and Hippy writers like Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, and Kesey expressed great insights, they also embraced serious philosophical flaws that have been ingested by our current culture like a Jim Jones Cool-Aid Spritzer. ‘Sex, drugs, and Rock-n-Roll,’ ‘If it feels good, do it,’ ‘Turn on, tune in, and drop out’ all became war cries of the 60s movement—Sure, I love sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll as much as the next transvestite crack whore, but I don’t recommend starting a religion based on them…well, maybe the sex part.

The neo-hippy insanity is rooted in the Beatnik’s mistaking biological impulses and pleasure-seeking for higher trans-rational states of consciousness (Wilber, 2000). Kerouac’s most well known character, Dean Moriarty, was the glorified hero of On the Road. He lived life moment-to-moment, chasing after his whims without concern for consequence. This became the role model for the archetypal hippy-guru, and any social or religious rules that infringed upon this hedonism were viewed as the evil oppressor of the Neo-Hippy’s enlightened narcissism (N.H.E.N.). In order to justify their ego’s indulgence, they gripped onto moralistic issues that pitted them against the demonized societal overlords. Save our young soldiers from the machinery of war; the planet from corporate monsters, and E-coli from relentless scientists’ germicidal agenda! Save the parasites!

Certainly peace, environmentalism, and science are all higher moral endeavors, but when people turn these issues into ideology, they do so for the immoral purpose of justifying their pacifist-aggressive strikes against ‘the man.’

Back in the sixties, many anti-Vietnam protesters operated at a pre-conventional level of moral functioning, yet they aligned themselves with lofty and often legitimate post-moral causes. This justified their derailment of conventional morality. History repeats itself as Neo-Hippies now align themselves against the war in Iraq, the Bush administration, corporate greed, and the far right fanatics in order to validate their childish tantrums and irresponsible behaviors. These people already have the higher ground, therefore, anything is justifiable as long as it opposes the evils of Western Civilization.

Hey, I’ve got an idea; let’s invite the president of Iran to speak at an Ivy League college…

Neo-Hippies are irrational know-it-alls with bottled up rage veiled as pacifism. To them, America is the worst virus to ever infest the Earth…when all rational people know that it’s Kazakhstan!

Neo-Hippies today argue that civilization itself has alienated humanity from their Edenic environment which now destroys the very planet upon which we live. Therefore it’s commendable to return to a time when wild unicorns roamed the Serengeti Plains. There is an overpopulation of people, and these people have made machines that rape planet Earth and plunder her natural resources for the purpose of humanity’s wanton greed. Yawn.

F’ the unicorns, Bono.

Ultimately, the dismantlement of western civilization is at the heart of the Neo-Hippy agenda. They secretly hate themselves and hate humanity and hate living. Eventually three days of peace, love, and music, has degraded into thirty years of hate, fuck, and noise.

Policies are passed that destroy community, country, and world. The irony remains: all of their excessive freedom-seeking compromises individuality. Destroy all immigration policies and deconstruct all social structures, especially those established by religious and family principles. Make all concepts of ‘truth’ and ‘goodness’ relative and irrelevant.

All cultures, peoples, and governments are equal. But Kazakhstan…not so much.

Nobody in this world, from suicide bombers in Palestine to dictators in South America, can possibly be called wrong, well, except for the United States and Israel, who can do no right. If this sounds like a contradiction, remember that the Neo-Hippies have liberated themselves from the stifling repressive grip of logic.

Welcome to our worldwide suicide.

On the Road: Off the Track?

Mick Zano

Who were these Beatniks, exactly, and what legacy did they leave behind? This article is an attempt to clear up Pokey’s ramblings – in a fuzzy-muddled, hallucinogenic, toad-licking kind of way. History is fraught with such movements that attack societal conformity, but why exactly do such movements feel the need to fly so far from the establishment’s coop? Before we delve into the Beat movement, let’s take a moment to explore the life of the Beat generation’s reigning eschatological poster-child, Jack Kerouac-ac-ac-ac-ac, you outta know by now.

In 1954 Jack was 29 years old, divorced, essentially unpublished, and still living with the folks. Life was indeed suffering. Reportedly, his mother mimicked this belief, often dropping hints like, “Time for work, bitch,” and “Beatniks? How about the F’n Couch Potatoes?!”

In a turn of events that some deem fortuitous, this soiree into Professional-Couch-Potatodom (PCP) sparked Kerouac’s fascination with Buddhism (coincidentally, so did phencyclidine). Apparently, requiring a much-needed sojourn from his more domestic sojourn, at 31 Kerouac committed to the ascetic life for 40 days. During this time, he grew his own food, meditated frequently and vowed “no alcohol and no sex.” By day three, however, this was modified to “no light beer and no fat chicks.”

How did the unusual marriage between Beatism and Buddhism fare, you ask? Well, let’s see … out of Buddha’s eight-fold path, six were pitched, one was deemed voluntary, and the last became mostly optional. Perhaps the largest affront to Buddhism came when the “four noble truths” were reduced to the “three groovy suggestions.” Oh, and Jack’s contribution to Buddhist terms didn’t help matters: Dharma = truth law, Bodhisattvas = beings of great wisdom, and Jack’s contribution, Trainbumbeatattvas = poets who bitch-slap hobos.

This random hobo abuse theme reappears again and again in Kerouac’s work. A lost chorus from Mexico City Blues captures the profound irreconcilable differences between Beatnik and Buddhist philosophies:

  • Bitch-slapp’n dat hobo – oh shit! Harm none!
  • Find nirvana at the next stop, upon tomorrow’s fiery tip
  • But for today, what the heck, just keep bitch-slapp’n dat hobo

You know, I really set out to do an informative article. Whereas some liberties may have been taken with the details of Kerouac’s life and works, I believe I have captured the essence. The question remains, what were these free-spirited wander-lusters driving at? How did these ragtag hipsters impact our culture so profoundly for decades to come? Certainly parts of On the Road tugged at my very psyche, urging me in the mid-nineties to consider getting into a black Mazda Protégé for three months with a guy known only as Shag – a protégé in his own right – to traverse this groovy jumping wasteland (a misadventure worthy of at least a footnote in the annals of stupid and superfluous road trips: sorry Flagstaff). Still other parts of Kerouac’s epic adventure made me want to draw the shades and curl up under the covers with a good book (even Bill Clinton’s autobiography: shudder).

Ginsberg tells us these “desolation angels” were trying to “resurrect a lost art or a lost knowledge or a lost consciousness,” and to this ends some credit is clearly due. The Beats seemed to believe that through absolute hedonism, and an almost Pythonian knees-bent-running-about-advancing-behavior, they could reach some higher ineffable realm – piercing that Fine Linen, as it were. The Beats did awaken something inside of us, something dark, naked and howling – something that not only captured the collective zeitgeist but also plied it with alcohol and did inappropriate things to it.

In the end, however, this Beat Generation got lost along “the Road” somewhere between nihilism and nirvana (or in our case, Nebraska: same thing). They exited stage left of this noble odyssey, and were perhaps trapped, at least metaphorically, in the timeless cave of that one-eyed giant Cyclops.

Where did the Beats blow it? How could drinking and screwing to bluesy jazz rifts ever be wrong?

If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right

My turn on the zeitgeist, bitch.

Folks like Ken Wilber might suggest that the Beatniks fell victim to something called the pre/trans fallacy. Whaaa? (Just be careful when you Google this, that’s all I’m saying.)

Basically, the pre/trans fallacy involves mistaking regressive or magical thinking with transpersonal, post-rational stages of development. Whaaa? Essentially, too much of the Beat movement stressed impulsive obsessions at the exclusion of all else. This, incidentally, translates to three separate child support checks for three different women (yes, by the way, the checks are in the mail).

How should we integrate the lessons of the Beat Generation? For starters, we drink only one adult beverage, not eighteen, we hit on only one slinky chicky-wik, not 18, and let’s make sure when the police arrive that they are all 18. Otherwise, at some point, we need to put on our clothes, shake Chris Hanson’s hand, and go home to pay the mortgage…if they let us leave at all. And, if we long to head out On the Road again, we think twice before quitting our jobs and entering black Mazda Protégés with dubious characters known only as Shag (which wasn’t all that bad, save some dicey moments in Utah). Let’s consider creating without destroying, tuning in without dropping out, and, whereas we should not be slaves to our social structures, nor should we outright torch them amidst these youthful flits through ego-driven waters. Like that time in Utah…sorry Utah.

Time Traveling Prankster Tells Aztecs the Sun Will Extinguish Without Human Blood.

“Having a Time Lord for a son has its challenges,” admits Jimmy’s mother. “He has always been a jokester—always putting a whoopee cushion on your seat, propping a bucket of water over a doorway, or setting your bed on fire while you sleep. Such a goof, that boy.” Jimmy’s father had this to say about his son’s recent Aztec hijinks, “Well, it’s better than that time he shot the Archduke Ferdinand.”