Ahmadinejad Denies Last Name is Long, Confusing

US diplomats are urging Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to simplify his last name, or change it outright.  “Something needs to be done for the sake of both diplomacy and locution,” says Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent Cokie McGrath.  Even President Bush himself told Ahmadinejad, “Remember those twenty six words that never should have been said during that infamous State of the Union Address?  Well, you’re name is longer.”  Iranian operatives suggest the Iranian President might be willing to drop the “jad” off the end in exchange for weapons technology.

Toward an Elightened Media

"If you want to change your mind, change the medium."

– Marshall McLuhan

For good or ill, advancements in media technology have revolutionized the means and access of news dissemination and commentary. This presents us with the potential to unite an enlightened population to a degree unseen since the Monkees’ second reunion tour.  We can pass policies on crucial issues that enhance the development of the individual, culture, and international community.

This potential cannot be underestimated.  With the tools of the modern media, we can transform the world itself—except maybe Portugal.  First, we must address some problems: a slack of journalistic standards (cable news), an overabundance of questionable information from unverifiable sources (the White House), huge news conglomerates with profit motives influencing their subject matter (Comedy Central), and a culture that is hypnotized by immediate gratification entertainment (Paris DUI) while too impatient to ingest more meaningful topics of discourse (Lohan DUI).

We can best understand the media by applying Ken Wilber’s 4-quadrant model. From his individual-subjective quadrant, the key principle is the freedom of expression. All peoples must be given the opportunity to express themselves without fear of personal repercussions, jail, or job loss. This freedom must be tempered with a commitment for truth and responsibility that enriches rather than sensationalizes.  Pluralistic liberalism claims to embrace such freedom, yet it is the biggest offender of first amendment rights.   Any politician plugging for the Fairness Doctrine missed a few days of civics class.  I’m talking to you, Pelosi!

In the age of blogging, virtually anybody can express any opinion or story regardless of merit (the Discord). This has led to an overload of untrustworthy or meaningless information (ibid). Our culture craves for a standard of journalism that proves its trustworthiness through honest and responsible reporting via the checking and rechecking of sources (except maybe that Curveball fellow Powell was working with; I’m sure he was on the level).

This leads us to Wilber’s next quadrant, the objective-individual. As a society, we must establish respectable and reputable ethics of journalism, commentary, art, and entertainment. This is the key to our modern dilemma.  Everyone is free to spew their points, but who can we trust for meaningful news? Who will not waste our time? Who will provide vital information leading to the enrichment of our culture and our world (Kiefer DUI)?  Who has sincerely sought truth, inquired deeply into the issues of our time, and transcended all personal and political agendas?

Too much dialogue in modern media merely advertises a particular ideology, which brings us to Wilber’s third quadrant, the subjective-plural, which relates to group expression or, in the case of media, dialogue. When diverse perspectives address conflicting issues, both sides must continually assess and reassess the validity of each other’s perspectives. The goal is not the mere denigration of our opponents through crafty argumentation—although that’s fun—but rather to seek the transformation of the self and culture through the process of Socratic dialogue (Sheen-Richards divorce).

The final quadrant is the objective-plural. This quadrant concerns the use of social and economic institutions for the stimulation of personal and cultural evolution. The dilemma for the modern corporate entity is how to maximize profit and still promote insightful and enriching, yet easily digestible, stories. How do we bridge the gap? People are addicted to reality TV shows, Internet porn, and soap opera dramas that leave them tantalized yet empty.  Businesses know this is where the money lies. How can we both entertain and stimulate? (Besides NakedLesbianFencing.com., which works on all quadrants and all levels.)

We must simultaneously make progress in all quadrants at once. As more people raise their level of consciousness, they will seek out more stimulating media sources (en garde!). As we elevate journalistic standards, we will better recognize and promote responsible media. As these journalists, pundits, and commentators transform through dialogue, so too will their audience. In other words, we have bottomed out on the stupid meter and are, no doubt, climbing toward a, much welcomed, intelligence resurgence.  As corporate institutions recognize the marketability of these higher media endeavors (HMEs), they will invest in more meaningful programming. (Have I mentioned NakedLesbianFencing.com?)

Over the next several weeks we, at the Discord, will analyze each of the more popular commentators and news anchors.  See how Mathews holds up to Limbaugh, or how Hannity compares to Dobbs.  Each week a political commentator will be highlighted, appraised, and dissected for your enjoyment. So let the naked lesbian fencing commence!

No Biden Bounce, Democrats Opt for Conjoined Ticket

O’Hillary meets the press and democratic elite for the first time

In an attempt to resolve the Obama/Clinton primary controversies once and for all the Democratic National Committee (DNC) called upon the Liberal Genetic Engineering Community (LGEC) to solve their problem. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama were genetically recombined into a single entity. This new being, named "O’Hillary," will almost certainly be the overwhelming favorite amongst both Obama and Clinton supporters.

"We were looking for a solution that would satisfy both campaigns," stated Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC. “Despite the apparent capitulation of Hillary Clinton and her campaign we still sensed that a significant portion of the Clinton camp was intent on supporting the Republican candidate out of spite and a feeling of rejection, especially with the selection of Joe Biden as the Vice Presidential candidate. That was just not acceptable. With this solution we feel that we can accomodate everyone involved. In fact, we anticipate the immediate defection of a significant portion of Sen. McCain’s hard-core drunken-Irish support due to affinity for O’Hillary’s name alone. Add to that the uneducated working white, black, female, transgender, evil scientist, and the conjoined twin demographics and we are all but assured a win in the general election."

O’Hillary was first introduced to the public during a recent press conference to the blare of U2’s When Two Hearts Beat as One. This was not aired due to the violent content and adult language. While the newly unified candidate still spars amongst his/herself, it is hoped that the impossibility of separation will eventually force its individual aspects to concede to acting as a single, symbiotic entity. Until then, the Secret Service is doing what it can to keep the two safe, and doctors are reasonably sure they can surgically reconstruct Obama’s left ear.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein

Unwilling to sacrifice malcontent supporters of either Obama or Clinton, the DNC appealed to genetic research lobbyists forever courting Democratic Party legislators. "We were just happy to be of service," commented Dr. Dicensplicem. "And the home of Sen. [Diane] Feinstein was the natural location to perform the procedure. Her home is fully equipped with the latest in genetic engineering equipment for use in her life-prolongation project."

On a related note, the DNC wants to dispel any rumors of combining senatorial hopeful Al Franken and Sen. Diane Feinstein, primarily since no appropriate conjoined name could be agreed upon. However, the Discord was able to obtain this photo.

Bore, the presumptive O’Hillary running mate

Having finally found the ultimate lobbying tool in the production of high-appeal, cross-demographic candidates through the recombination of DNA, it is thought that the genetic research community will receive unprecedented support and funding from the federal government once O’Hillary takes the White House.

This trial, now found to be successful, will almost certainly lead to the production of the ultimate running mate for O’Hillary, Bore.

We are Bore … resistance is fubar.

Sexism, Paganism and the Lost Gospel of Moe

Christianity remains shadowed by the sexist authoritative indoctrination that fueled the establishment of the Orthodox Church for centuries. We must come to terms with our religion’s shady history in order to cleanse our psyches from any prejudices that inhibit the authentic experience of compassion, love, God, and barely legal Japanese anime.

After Jesus’ crucifixion, yet prior to the establishment of an orthodox definition of a “true believer,” the beliefs and practices of professing Christians varied greatly. The Ebionites fought to limit Christian belief within a Jewish framework, in which all of the Jewish laws would be maintained. The Apostle Paul argued against the Ebionites exclusory attitude, leading to the tragic loss of the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not glusten thy neighbor’s gefilte fish.

Simon Magus argued against the literal interpretation of the Bible and instead sought knowledge from the direct experience of God, which Jesus himself was rumored to encourage once during an all-night poker game. Skeptics retort that he may have been bluffing. What did Simon Magus get for his troubles? He was convicted of consorting with demons and sentenced to the seventh circle of Dante’s hell.

At the time, other versions of Gnosticism circulated (later designated to the fifth, eighth, and ninth circles, respectively). What all of these different factions had in common was a deep influence from Greek mystery sects and a conviction that Gnosis (divine knowledge) took precedent over dogma, church authorities, religious law, and even folks like Pat Robertson.

According to the Greek scriptures, Jesus appointed twelve apostles and four branch managers, headed by Peter (CEO), to build and define Christ, Incorporated. It’s peculiar that these twelve people did not include Mary Magdalene. Remember that during Jesus’ crucifixion, all of his fair-weather, water-walkin’, not-ready-for-primetime apostles fled, fearing persecution. Peter even denied knowing Jesus three times, which he later blamed on a combination of the glare and some oak-aged blood of Christ. An alternate defense of Peter comes from the Lost Gospel of Moe, wherein Moe explains that his denials took place in a pub, where Jesus had run up a large bar tab…one of “biblical proportions,” as Moe tells it.

Unlike the weak-willed apostles, Mary Magdalene had the courage to remain by Jesus’ side right up until his death, literally, and has been cleared of any involvement in the “spear” incident. Was there a relationship between the two? An important piece of frivolous fiction, The Da Vinci Code, makes a compelling argument.

In an affirmative action lawsuit, Mary Magdalene asked why she, or any other woman for that matter, should be excluded from the early formation of the Christian Church. By reviewing some of the Gnostic writings, judged heretical by the Orthodox Church, we become aware of a much more broad dimension of Christian belief than is ordinarily considered. As orthodox belief narrowed and the power structure of the church became established, members deemed “off message” were cast out as heretics. For example, you’ve probably never even heard of Moe the Apostle.

In the gospel of Thomas, Peter is quoted as saying “let Mary [Magdalene] leave us, for women are not worthy of life.” Spoken like a true CEO. Conversely, many of the Gnostics had both a masculine and feminine element…at least, that was God’s story when He was seen leaving certain clubs. These Gnostics often held non-hierarchical services, without a priest-ruled power structure. They preached that divine knowledge came only through the direct experience of God, not through the teachings of the priests and bishops. Anybody in the community, including women, could lead services, baptize, prophesize, or heal. Admittedly, the Gnostics sometimes taught bizarre doctrine. There were persistent rumors about ritualized orgies, bobbing for forbidden fruit, and crazed false-idol humping.

Tertullian, a popular writer and noble gas, was influential in defining Orthodox Christianity in the second century. He commented on the early Gnostic feminists: “These heretical women—how audacious they are! They have no modesty; they are bold enough to teach, to engage in argument, to enact exorcisms, to undertake cures, and, it may be, even to baptize!”

Tertullian, emphatic about being “celibate by choice,” was known to shout this randomly to passersby.

The battle over women’s position in the church and society was fought into the late second century as the orthodox community came to accept as dogma the domination of men over women—a position that somehow reversed itself in the early twenty-first century…in my living room.

Along with the repression of the feminine element, orthodox leaders defined as heresy any belief or practice inconsistent with church doctrine. This greatly offended the many Aztec-Christian Cannibal Voodoo sects of the time. Even today, many Christian churches express an exclusionary attitude toward any person who refuses to unquestionably bow down to the accepted dogma of the church. This means you, McCain!

Most Christian churches still restrict women’s directive power. This means you, Hillary! Esoteric religious practices, not accepted or understood by the church, are usually labeled “occult” and demonized as satanic. This means you, Obama!

Many young people today have turned away from Christianity due to these rigid attitudes and early business hours. Churches of all denominations need to recognize the mistakes of the past and begin generating an attitude of inclusiveness and tolerance. If our churches ever hope to become God’s instruments, they must welcome people of differing practices and beliefs so that we all can learn, grow, and heal together. And if that means occasionally sacrificing a goat, then so be it!

NEO-HIPPIES – What the Hell?

The Beatnik’s counter-cultural ideas of the 1950s soon evolved into the hippy movement of the 1960s, and eventually the bowel movements of the 1970s. This beat mindset ultimately permeated the mainstream zeitgeist in the 80s and 90s like a funkadelic fart.

Although many of the Beatnik and Hippy writers like Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, and Kesey expressed great insights, they also embraced serious philosophical flaws that have been ingested by our current culture like a Jim Jones Cool-Aid Spritzer. ‘Sex, drugs, and Rock-n-Roll,’ ‘If it feels good, do it,’ ‘Turn on, tune in, and drop out’ all became war cries of the 60s movement—Sure, I love sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll as much as the next transvestite crack whore, but I don’t recommend starting a religion based on them…well, maybe the sex part.

The neo-hippy insanity is rooted in the Beatnik’s mistaking biological impulses and pleasure-seeking for higher trans-rational states of consciousness (Wilber, 2000). Kerouac’s most well known character, Dean Moriarty, was the glorified hero of On the Road. He lived life moment-to-moment, chasing after his whims without concern for consequence. This became the role model for the archetypal hippy-guru, and any social or religious rules that infringed upon this hedonism were viewed as the evil oppressor of the Neo-Hippy’s enlightened narcissism (N.H.E.N.). In order to justify their ego’s indulgence, they gripped onto moralistic issues that pitted them against the demonized societal overlords. Save our young soldiers from the machinery of war; the planet from corporate monsters, and E-coli from relentless scientists’ germicidal agenda! Save the parasites!

Certainly peace, environmentalism, and science are all higher moral endeavors, but when people turn these issues into ideology, they do so for the immoral purpose of justifying their pacifist-aggressive strikes against ‘the man.’

Back in the sixties, many anti-Vietnam protesters operated at a pre-conventional level of moral functioning, yet they aligned themselves with lofty and often legitimate post-moral causes. This justified their derailment of conventional morality. History repeats itself as Neo-Hippies now align themselves against the war in Iraq, the Bush administration, corporate greed, and the far right fanatics in order to validate their childish tantrums and irresponsible behaviors. These people already have the higher ground, therefore, anything is justifiable as long as it opposes the evils of Western Civilization.

Hey, I’ve got an idea; let’s invite the president of Iran to speak at an Ivy League college…

Neo-Hippies are irrational know-it-alls with bottled up rage veiled as pacifism. To them, America is the worst virus to ever infest the Earth…when all rational people know that it’s Kazakhstan!

Neo-Hippies today argue that civilization itself has alienated humanity from their Edenic environment which now destroys the very planet upon which we live. Therefore it’s commendable to return to a time when wild unicorns roamed the Serengeti Plains. There is an overpopulation of people, and these people have made machines that rape planet Earth and plunder her natural resources for the purpose of humanity’s wanton greed. Yawn.

F’ the unicorns, Bono.

Ultimately, the dismantlement of western civilization is at the heart of the Neo-Hippy agenda. They secretly hate themselves and hate humanity and hate living. Eventually three days of peace, love, and music, has degraded into thirty years of hate, fuck, and noise.

Policies are passed that destroy community, country, and world. The irony remains: all of their excessive freedom-seeking compromises individuality. Destroy all immigration policies and deconstruct all social structures, especially those established by religious and family principles. Make all concepts of ‘truth’ and ‘goodness’ relative and irrelevant.

All cultures, peoples, and governments are equal. But Kazakhstan…not so much.

Nobody in this world, from suicide bombers in Palestine to dictators in South America, can possibly be called wrong, well, except for the United States and Israel, who can do no right. If this sounds like a contradiction, remember that the Neo-Hippies have liberated themselves from the stifling repressive grip of logic.

Welcome to our worldwide suicide.

On the Road: Off the Track?

Mick Zano

Who were these Beatniks, exactly, and what legacy did they leave behind? This article is an attempt to clear up Pokey’s ramblings – in a fuzzy-muddled, hallucinogenic, toad-licking kind of way. History is fraught with such movements that attack societal conformity, but why exactly do such movements feel the need to fly so far from the establishment’s coop? Before we delve into the Beat movement, let’s take a moment to explore the life of the Beat generation’s reigning eschatological poster-child, Jack Kerouac-ac-ac-ac-ac, you outta know by now.

In 1954 Jack was 29 years old, divorced, essentially unpublished, and still living with the folks. Life was indeed suffering. Reportedly, his mother mimicked this belief, often dropping hints like, “Time for work, bitch,” and “Beatniks? How about the F’n Couch Potatoes?!”

In a turn of events that some deem fortuitous, this soiree into Professional-Couch-Potatodom (PCP) sparked Kerouac’s fascination with Buddhism (coincidentally, so did phencyclidine). Apparently, requiring a much-needed sojourn from his more domestic sojourn, at 31 Kerouac committed to the ascetic life for 40 days. During this time, he grew his own food, meditated frequently and vowed “no alcohol and no sex.” By day three, however, this was modified to “no light beer and no fat chicks.”

How did the unusual marriage between Beatism and Buddhism fare, you ask? Well, let’s see … out of Buddha’s eight-fold path, six were pitched, one was deemed voluntary, and the last became mostly optional. Perhaps the largest affront to Buddhism came when the “four noble truths” were reduced to the “three groovy suggestions.” Oh, and Jack’s contribution to Buddhist terms didn’t help matters: Dharma = truth law, Bodhisattvas = beings of great wisdom, and Jack’s contribution, Trainbumbeatattvas = poets who bitch-slap hobos.

This random hobo abuse theme reappears again and again in Kerouac’s work. A lost chorus from Mexico City Blues captures the profound irreconcilable differences between Beatnik and Buddhist philosophies:

  • Bitch-slapp’n dat hobo – oh shit! Harm none!
  • Find nirvana at the next stop, upon tomorrow’s fiery tip
  • But for today, what the heck, just keep bitch-slapp’n dat hobo

You know, I really set out to do an informative article. Whereas some liberties may have been taken with the details of Kerouac’s life and works, I believe I have captured the essence. The question remains, what were these free-spirited wander-lusters driving at? How did these ragtag hipsters impact our culture so profoundly for decades to come? Certainly parts of On the Road tugged at my very psyche, urging me in the mid-nineties to consider getting into a black Mazda Protégé for three months with a guy known only as Shag – a protégé in his own right – to traverse this groovy jumping wasteland (a misadventure worthy of at least a footnote in the annals of stupid and superfluous road trips: sorry Flagstaff). Still other parts of Kerouac’s epic adventure made me want to draw the shades and curl up under the covers with a good book (even Bill Clinton’s autobiography: shudder).

Ginsberg tells us these “desolation angels” were trying to “resurrect a lost art or a lost knowledge or a lost consciousness,” and to this ends some credit is clearly due. The Beats seemed to believe that through absolute hedonism, and an almost Pythonian knees-bent-running-about-advancing-behavior, they could reach some higher ineffable realm – piercing that Fine Linen, as it were. The Beats did awaken something inside of us, something dark, naked and howling – something that not only captured the collective zeitgeist but also plied it with alcohol and did inappropriate things to it.

In the end, however, this Beat Generation got lost along “the Road” somewhere between nihilism and nirvana (or in our case, Nebraska: same thing). They exited stage left of this noble odyssey, and were perhaps trapped, at least metaphorically, in the timeless cave of that one-eyed giant Cyclops.

Where did the Beats blow it? How could drinking and screwing to bluesy jazz rifts ever be wrong?

If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right

My turn on the zeitgeist, bitch.

Folks like Ken Wilber might suggest that the Beatniks fell victim to something called the pre/trans fallacy. Whaaa? (Just be careful when you Google this, that’s all I’m saying.)

Basically, the pre/trans fallacy involves mistaking regressive or magical thinking with transpersonal, post-rational stages of development. Whaaa? Essentially, too much of the Beat movement stressed impulsive obsessions at the exclusion of all else. This, incidentally, translates to three separate child support checks for three different women (yes, by the way, the checks are in the mail).

How should we integrate the lessons of the Beat Generation? For starters, we drink only one adult beverage, not eighteen, we hit on only one slinky chicky-wik, not 18, and let’s make sure when the police arrive that they are all 18. Otherwise, at some point, we need to put on our clothes, shake Chris Hanson’s hand, and go home to pay the mortgage…if they let us leave at all. And, if we long to head out On the Road again, we think twice before quitting our jobs and entering black Mazda Protégés with dubious characters known only as Shag (which wasn’t all that bad, save some dicey moments in Utah). Let’s consider creating without destroying, tuning in without dropping out, and, whereas we should not be slaves to our social structures, nor should we outright torch them amidst these youthful flits through ego-driven waters. Like that time in Utah…sorry Utah.

Time Traveling Prankster Tells Aztecs the Sun Will Extinguish Without Human Blood.

“Having a Time Lord for a son has its challenges,” admits Jimmy’s mother. “He has always been a jokester—always putting a whoopee cushion on your seat, propping a bucket of water over a doorway, or setting your bed on fire while you sleep. Such a goof, that boy.” Jimmy’s father had this to say about his son’s recent Aztec hijinks, “Well, it’s better than that time he shot the Archduke Ferdinand.”

Viagra Warns: Number of Uncontrollable Erections Set to Rise

Viagra spokesperson, Dale ‘Stiffy’ O’Tool, admits that priapism, an erection that could last for upwards of fourteen hours, is going to be an even bigger problem in the future. “Conducting laboratory studies on this subject has been touchy,” admits O’Tool, “but not in a good way.”

Hope Wanes of Ever Finding Amelia Earhart Alive

“The last vestiges of hope have been snuffed out by the fact that she would be 121 years old if she were alive today,” says great, great grandchild Sparky Earhart. “So if she were alive today, she would most certainly be dead,” clarifies Sparky. When asked to speculate on his great great grandmother’s demise, Sparky had this to say, “I like to think that she was eaten alive by cannibals, because that would mean …no wait, not eaten alive by cannibals.”