Hey, Let’s Show the World How Well We’re Doing on Emissions by Hosting the G20 in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh, PA – Pittsburgh?  Why not Detroit?  Why not hold the whole summit in the muffler system of an abandoned Ford Granada parked in the sub-basement of a bomb shelter?  Not only is this the lamest venue yet for one of these global pow-wows, but the decision to host the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh is also cruelty to protestors.  The same people fighting for the environment are now gasping for air.  Of course, a lightheaded protestor is a peaceful protestor.  Granted, this staffer was twittering and texting during most of the summit, but it sounds like a secret uranium enrichment facility was discovered there.  Now, how stupid are we to host the summit at the very site where we are hiding a weapons facility in the first place?  This is intolerable.  How are we supposed to nuke the whales now?!  Hold, on, hold on…I’m getting a text from the Ghetto Shaman.  He doesn’t have any ID and he wants me to buy him beer.  I am going to cover the healthcare thingie now.  Wait, need coffee.  You know what?  Suck it, Winslow, I resign!  You cover the healthcare pubic option rebate.

Ghetto Shaman’s Best Smeller List

  1. Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale
  2. The Tao of Skull Fucking, Editor’s Edition (rare)
  3. The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors        
  4. Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.
  5. Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everbody Feng Shui Tonight
  6. Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t
  7. My Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs
  8. Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods
  9. Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way
  10. Battery Operated Vibrational Healing

Governor David A. Paterson: Running Blind

New York, NY – Governor David A. Paterson is still running for re-election as Governor of New York, despite President Barak Obama’s suggestion that he withdraw from the race…oh, we can’t do this.  The guy is blind.  How is that funny?  Scrap this one, Winslow.  We have to draw the line somewhere.  Besides, why is this guy Governor of New York if his name’s Paterson?  Sounds like he’s a few miles off the mark, eh?  I used to do dope runs in Paterson all the time.  Good times, good times.  

So how’s the kids?  Can you do something about the Crank? He is really starting to piss me off.  Did you see the pic where he’s water boarding me?  What the hell is that shit?  He is out of control, dude!  Since when is torture funny?

You wanna get drunk this weekend?

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Out here near Seattle, there is a very nice retreat house on Whidbey Island that welcomes all faiths. Could the Ghetto Shaman host a retreat here in the Seattle area?

Phillip

Seattle, WA

Dear Phillip,

I arrange everything through my agent.  But I don’t have an agent.  So no.   An island, you say, hmmmn.  I’ll tell you what, you bring the chicks of all faiths and I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.

The Ghetto Shaman

Happy Constitution Day!

Rick Right Pernick

How many people are aware that September 17th, was National Constitution day? My guess is “seven”.  Two-hundred twenty-two years ago on Sept 17, 1787, thirty-nine men signed the U.S. Constitution, one of them reportedly sober (the sober one was not John, “I’m going to sign this sucker so big!” Hancock).   This document built the foundation of the greatest nation in our world’s history (besides China).  Not a democracy, but a representative republic like none other before, where individuals through their chosen representatives govern themselves.

The concept and the framework of the Constitution was nothing short of brilliant, limiting the federal government’s powers and insuring the states and individuals their freedoms and liberties to pursue happiness, property, and prostitutes, by using their own labors and God-given talents, to reach what others in their homeland only dreamed about, aka, a cute red-head with big floppy breasts.

The founders sacrificed their families, wealth, virginity, and in many cases their lives fighting for what they knew could be the greatest nation ever imagined. In the end, their efforts to create a truly free society came to fruition, and their dreams were realized (bouncy, bouncy).

It’s unfortunate so many have allowed the desecration of our founding documents and so many beautiful women.  Over the last hundred years, starting with the progressives (liberals) in the republican party, to the new progressives (liberals) in the democratic party, the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and the Bill of Rights, have become nothing more than outdated pieces of parchment that on rare occasion become a nuisance that libs occasionally trip over on their road to socialism (not to mention they make great scrap paper for Daily Discord rough drafts).

Schools today are merely a tool to indoctrinate our youth into socialism.  Teachers see the founding documents as obstacles in the pursuit of government control over our lives.  They neglect to introduce or teach the students about these documents.  Although every seventh grader knows exactly how to properly insert a penis into a studded, glow in the dark condom.  I miss school.

I ask my readers to take a little time to visit the National Archives on the web, or you can access the U.S. Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and other Amendments to the constitution by breaking into some of those big, important looking buildings in downtown DC.

Did you notice the Eye of Mordor atop the Washington Monument in the left column of this very website? That’s not a metaphor. OK, maybe it is, but the fact remains we are losing the very structure that has sustained this country for over two hundred years.  The sounds you are hearing are our forefathers, as the Crank puts it, whirling feverishly in their mausoleums.  So why not do what the public schools will not; educate your children on the history and founding of this nation. If people today fail to understand what was sacrificed for freedom, they can never really understand what freedom is.  Now, if you will excuse me, I’m only renting this room by the hour.

Bin Laden Tape and Pelosi Close-Up Combine to Raise National Threat Level

Washington, DC – After reviewing Bin Laden’s latest attempt at relevancy, September’s National Intelligence Estimate report concludes that he is “still an asshole”.  The NIE also warns America that Nancy Pelosi is a scary, scary woman up close.  Combine these two events in the same month and you have the first National Threat Level hike since Barney Frank’s You Tube Sex Tape release.

“Thankfully, this is not that serious,” said Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano, who, upon viewing the Frank tape, commented, “I will never be able to look at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man the same way again.”

When asked if the picture of Pelosi, depicted above, might reverse the President’s decision to gut missile defense in Eastern Europe, Napolitano responded, “Missile defense whatsas?” 

Will the Real Conservatives Please Stand Up: At Least the Ones Who Are Medically Safe to Do So

Mick Zano

Folks are finally taking notice of how the media has reduced the political debate to something akin to a cafeteria-style food fight.  Each side only lobs the meatballs of mutiny when the opposition party is on cafeteria duty.  Both patriotards and libertards (roughly 80% of the pop) are ready and willing to storm the Bastille, but for all the wrong reasons.  MSNBC tried to start a revolution to oppose Bush, and rightly so, and they got roughly forty-percent of the U.S. armed to the teeth with tiny condiment packets of petulance.  Then they tried to stop the food fight amidst the coronation of King Obama. Try as the libertard media might, those tater tot-toting Teabaggers came all the same (God bless them).  In fact, they are marching on Washington right now.  They are not exactly sure why they are marching, but the next ‘Fox Transmission’ should further terrorize them enough to dodge the tartar sauce of tyranny and counter with the two-fisted fish sticks of freedom!

Since Obama took office, the most anti-American, anti-government rhetoric has transitioned to the right.  You see, patriotards only love America when they’re fucking it up.  God forbid someone else should get a crack at it.  But as long as the Teabaggers allow their movement and message to be hijacked by the Hannity’s of the world, they are destined to be drenched by the pre-frozen rib-a-cues of repression.  Here’s a recent excerpt from Republican blogger, Andrew Sullivan, who landed a wad of hot mozzarella smack in the face of Teabaggers everywhere:

Here’s a test: when you see as many posters lambasting Bush and Cheney and the GOP for getting us into this crisis in the first place, I will take these people seriously as genuine small government non-partisan conservatives and independents. In so far as they can pressure the Congress and president into taking the debt seriously in the future, good for them. In so far as they are proposing no practical solutions, and echo truly disturbing hatred of a president barely eight months in office, facing huge crises on all fronts, they are doing their own cause far more harm than good.”

Of course, the last part is wrong.  Don’t underestimate the stupidity of the American people.  Many believe this dark road the patriotards and the Teabaggers have taken will ultimately back-fire on them like a cafeteria taco in an H1N1 victim.  But Sullivan is assuming that people are going to wise up, while the Flynn Effect and our educational institutions tank outright.  Sorry folks, but stupidity is likely to get more, not less, traction in the food fights to come.  This is why yelling something like Death Panels right before a vote will always have a chilling impact on legislation.  And, NO, Mr. Crank, Palin was not basing this statement on fact.  Patriotards like to yell shit and then try to connect the dots later, kind of like Iraq.  If there really are death panels in the UK, Palin didn’t know shit about them. Besides, they already exist here and now.  Life and death decisions are made every day here in the U.S., only with private insurance companies the decisions are based on cash and for Obama’s public option the decisions would be based on, er…cash. 

Countering Glenn Beck’s recent defamatory rant against Cass Sunstein, David Frum wallops the neococoon with the sloppy joes of justice.  This is a noble attempt to move the conservative dialogue toward some semblance of reality: 

The ultimate happy ending of the story should not however close the page on this appalling episode of broadcast recklessness and political cowardice. We conservatives are submitting our movement to some of the most unscrupulous people in American life. This submission disgraces conservatism, discredits Republicans, and damages the country. It’s beyond time for conservatives who know better to join us at NewMajority in emancipating ourselves from leadership by the most stupid, the most cynical, and the most truthless.

The patriotards are clearly the most responsible for breaking the country (only they haven’t figured this out).  Sorry, but the book The Collapse of America will have one chapter on Frank and Dodd, one chapter on Obama, and the other twenty-some-odd chapters will be entitled “W”.  Sure the libertards might have ruined us.  They are quite capable of doing so.  But, sadly, they never got the chance.

And make no mistake, the last showdown at the salad bar is coming.  The patriotards (forty-percent of the pop) are lining up on one side, under the guise of pro-life, pro-religion, pro-fundamentalism, and pro-free markets.  Meanwhile, the libertards (roughly forty-percent) stand for pro-choice, compassionate legislature, the green movement, eco-feminism, gay rights, and other socially liberal issues.   God, I hope the sneeze bar holds.

What both sides fail to understand is that neither faction owns the truth.  Both perspectives have valid points but both perspectives are mired in their own inherent ideology and stupidity, not to mention vanilla pudding.  And unfortunately both sides tend to champion the lowest common denominator.  Lately, there’s nothing more glaring than the Patriotard Menace.  They believe distortion after distortion until the truth ends up looking like Mr. Fabulous caught in a turbine. 

Healthcare debate update: I will now be paying $173 more per month for my family’s health insurance under this failing paradigm.  This happy news arrived after my last healthcare post.  I fear a public option too, but I don’t fear it nearly as much as those most in danger of personal economic collapse: those fightin’ forty-percent, the Italian dressing drizzled patriotards.

Michael Moore, Sarah Palin, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and Rush “the salad bar” Limbaugh are all dangerously stupid individuals.  But our first amendment rights should prevail here.  They have the right to talk, but the size of their viewing audiences, particularly on the right, herald a rather gloomy forecast for our collective future. Stupidity resonates much further than it should.  Fear remains a key force in driving policy, and our media invariably never focuses on the real problems.  OMIGOD, Limbaugh reached the chicken salad! 

I hate to quote Pat Buchanan, because he’s been such a loon lately, but…

We seem not only to disagree with each other more than ever, but to have come almost to detest one another. Politically, culturally, racially, we seem ever ready to go for each others’ throats.

And now for something completely different.  It’s time to implement a coup detater-tot on the libertards. A republican blogger, Jon Henke, appeared on the Rachel Maddow show last week.  They both agreed on a lot of his Republican criticism.  She glowed when he said, “the Republican Party has abandoned its intellectual roots.”  Say it aint so, Jon.  Henke admitted that much needs to change on his side of the aisle, but asked Rachel if she would start covering the mess on the left, aka, things like Acorn and the Spendulus package, which has more zeros after it than the S.S. Lexington.

At the very least, Rachel, try covering the libertard fringe with a hint of something once known as objectivity.  She was the most likely person on MSNBC to take this challenge, but she failed, miserably.  On a major cable news network, Maddow admitted she was not even willing to look at the other side of the debate.  It’s dead to her, like the week old ‘ham surprise’ hanging from the ceiling.  If I were Henke I would have called her out in those closing moments of the interview and battered her face with the perogies of partisanship.

I like Rachel Maddow, but Fox and The Crank are right on this point (happens once a year like clockwork).  If NBC is not going to be critical of Obama, EVER, under any circumstances, because the owners of NBC stand to make money on Cap and Trade, then they have officially sunk to the level of Fox News.  (Hint: this is not a good thing.)

To sum up, Mark Bowden from The Atlantic pointed out in his blog that no one is seeking the truth anymore:

No, not the truth: victory, because winning is way more important than being right. Power is the highest achievement. There is nothing new about this. But we never used to mistake it [media entertainment news] for journalism. Today it is rapidly replacing journalism, leading us toward a world where all information is spun, and where all “news” is unapologetically propaganda.”

Hint: if Jon Stewart polls as the most trusted journalist, it’s time to resort to the Daily Discord.  Really subscribe NOW. And support our advertisers, er…as soon as we get some.

Much like the Frums, Sullivans, Wills, Bowdens, and Buckleys of the world, I too have flung my own controversial coleslaw to these ends.  In fact, I was one of the first to spit Jello from the cheeks of change.  Most rants in recent years involved the dismantling of conservatism outright.  I always wanted to fix it.  Hat tip to Andrew Sullivan for his book The Conservative Soul: How We Lost It, How to Get It Back.  His view will stand the test of time, and the Cranks of the world, who never identified the problem, can wallow in the burnt baked beans of human bondage.  So liberal media peeps, hit the showers.  As for the Wills, Buckleys, Sullivans, and the Frums of the world unite—shape of non-patriotardic.  And, for god’s sake, scrape that Thousand Island dressing off your nose.

P.S. You’re right about my last post, Crank.  At the time, I thought huffing all those cleaning products before my weekly blog was a good idea.  But, to win yet another round, I only reread my post three times before I understood it.  So there…

H1N1 Straining Human/Cyborg Relations

Washington, DC – World leaders met at the White House today to address the critical issue of our time.

“The time for debate is over,” warned President Obama.  “An appropriate name for the current pandemic virus must be found.”

The World Health Organization has thus far been unable to find a politically correct name for this dangerous strain of influenza.  The original designation, Swine Flu, was deemed offensive to the Jewish community, and the second attempt, Mexican Flu, immediately angered the Mexican “Government”.  The third and little known suggestion, Mexico Shitty, never made it through the testing process.  Even the seemingly generic title H1N1 is now apparently straining human/cyborg relations.  The ACME line of H1N1 house droids, a distant cousin of the R2 unit, are outraged that their name is being used in such a fashion.

One H1N1 unit had this to say, “001011001101010, bitches!”

In an effort to smooth over this increasingly tense situation, the World Health Organization is suggesting that H1N1 be renamed one last time. 

“After much debate,” said Obama. “I am happy to announce that the flu will from hence forth be known as Piggy Pox.”

In a preemptive move, Obama also suggested that Miss. Piggy, “Zip it.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude!  The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin.  You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise!  I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.

Jake

Abilene, TX

Dear Jake,

Insane, mwaaah?  What was your first clue, Sherlock?  I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano.  In fact, Zano owes me a six pack.  Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox.  Really, hurry up and tell him…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits.  I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses. 

Spirographic Dianetics and the Evolution of Consciousness

Mick Zano

Some aren’t going to buy what I’m peddling today, but that’s OK.  It’s still America, no matter what the Discord’s CEO thinks (Commie bastard!).  First off, my writing is not designed to offend the many dickwads that don’t get it.  At least one individual is wondering about this color coding thingie (CCT) that I keep mentioning in my posts. You will be hearing more and more about Spiral Dynamics, Transpersonal Psychology, and the evolution of consciousness, because the truth has a tendency to stick around, like the Ghetto Shaman after last call.  Of course, on the downside of this subject matter, anything even hinting at a hierarchy of ideas is always met with condemnation, er…like the Ghetto Shaman after last call. 

Many are offended whenever the spectrum of human development is debated, but Wilber’s version of Spiral Dynamics theory is designed as a developmental holarchy (meaning transcends and includes what comes before, or nested.)  This is a variation of the Great Chain of Being which permeates ancient wisdom.  The best example is the progression of atom, molecule, cell, tissue, and organism. Each level includes what comes before it, but also transcends it, by adding something novel or emergent (like in the case of the Ghetto Shaman’s teachings, drink specials). 

Ken Wilber and others assert that consciousness evolves through a similar holarchy process.  Anthropologists have studied the development of cultures across the globe and found that they typically follow a pattern—a pattern that can correlate to different levels of consciousness. The concept is charitable enough, besides, who am I to question the order of the Universe? I didn’t build the damn thing.  This is often depicted as a growing spiral (thus Spiral Dynamics) and, yes Cranko, intelligent people are stuck at each and every level.  If I studied fascism, torture, and military tactics for my whole life in Nazi Germany, I might become a shrewdly intelligent member of team Hitler, but I would still be functioning at a low level of consciousness (not to mention morality).   These days, worshipping the all mighty dollar has generated some thought distortions of its own.

This color coding was originally laid out by Beck and Cowan and was eventually expounded upon by Ken Wilber.  Wilber and others assert that the natural progression of human consciousness moves from tribal or group focused (egocentric–Bin Laden) to country focused (ethnocentric–Reagan) to more globally aware (worldcentric–Obama) to a perspective inclusive of all life forms (cosmocentric–Ghetto Shaman).  OK, another bad example. 

In color codingville the break down is as follows: red = tribal, blue = fundamentalism, orange = entrepreneurial/science, and green = liberalism, and so on.

One of Wilber’s many keen insights is that conservatives tend to blame the individual for their problems (pick yourself up by your boot straps, you damned hippy) and liberals tend to blame society, culture, or the government for everyone’s problems (the heroin addicted murderer just needs more methadone and a great big hug).  Therefore, it has always been an internal vs. external debate.  Often both miss the point, because they don’t address all of Wilber’s levels and quadrants.  Bill Clinton, using some of Wilber’s advice, came up with the idea to stress both support with personal responsibility—that all important third way.  Obama seems oblivious to this distinction, which is frightening.  Let’s say, you issue endless welfare checks to a crack addict; the money will likely go to crack and increase the numbers of those addicted (Hint: this is not harm reduction, libertards).  Give the addict support only if he/she engages in treatment, so in a couple of years he/she might return to society and just sell crack instead of abuse it.  This moves them from a tribal level of consciousness (red) all the way to entrepreneurial (orange).  OK, bad example.         

Conservatives would slash all or most behavioral health services across the board when every one dollar spent likely saves society ten.  This is not being fiscally conservative, it’s being stupid and irresponsible.  On the other hand, liberals tend to enable the terminally stagnant, which will destroy our budget and serve no legitimate purpose (like Dave Atsals).  Universal Healthcare may be this next storm on the horizon. This middle way might be to insure all of our children and those truly disabled.  Universal Healthcare might be a nice goal for the future, if and when we have a thriving society.  HINT: THIS IS NOT THAT TIME.

George W. Bush, functioning between a fundamental/mythic level (blue) and entrepreneurial/rational (orange), couldn’t understand why a Jefferson or an Adams type figure never emerged from a Baghdad mosque.  And here I would have been happy to see a Garfield or a Cleveland emerge from a certain Crawford ranch.

Spiral Dynamics peeps cupped their foreheads in wonderment at the sheer idiocy of this man’s logic.  Bush had no clue and probably didn’t care about what sociologists and anthropologists have worked on for years regarding Nation Building 101.  We see how well that worked out.  Countries and cultures typically don’t skip levels willy nilly.  They tend to work through each level at different speeds, but ultimately in the same predictable order.  This is why China’s shift to entrepreneurialism is a good thing.  No one goes from Osama bin Laden to Barak Obama overnight (unless you use medical marijuana/two hits a day oughtta do it). 

You know, dude, I don’t want to knock those buildings down anymore.  Let’s just score some chips. 

My wife has an interesting twist to this theory.  She feels there are smaller circles, which represent our societal trends.  In essence, societal mega trends resemble a Spirograph (if you remember those).  These little sociological circles spiral up and never sink as far down as the last cycle.  This, like Spiral Dynamics, still puts us on a gradually upward trajectory, or Spirographic Dianetics (my wife, 2009).

To put it another way, we will continue to move away from fundamentalism, and this perspective should shift within the entrepreneurial range, hopefully soon.  So each historic cycle will swing downward, but won’t quite reach the depth of the last round.  The bottom of this cycle, which my guess would be amidst the darker days of the Bush Fears, won’t be as bad as the last cycle. In other words, the patriotards of today (at the bottom of the circle) are not going to descend into McCarthyism (despite Hannity’s best efforts).  This is a good thing, if true.  Although, listen to a Teabagger interviewed and one begins to wonder.

Each group at each level hangs onto their perspective like the gospel and each group both fears and attacks all the other layers.  I tend to attack the basal brand of conservatism championed by Fox News and their idiotic ilk.  They recently booed the only true conservative, Ron Paul, off the stage.  What they stand for is fear, greed, and stupidity.  Traditional values and real issues like abortion are lost in their pre-rational, infantile propaganda.  Again, Cranko, don’t let the least common denominator champion your perspective.  Or why not just commit hari-kari by ImPalin yourself in 2012?

Science is king for many, but science (orange) has painted itself into a corner and has become scientism. Even the Dawkins of the world will eventually get the meme-o.  They should have copped a clue after the discovery of quantum physics, but scientists have a blind spot the size of the M33 X-7 black hole for anything that does not fit snugly into their collapsing paradigm. 

Unfortunately, the U.S. may be moving too fast into empathetic/liberalism (green), which is a problem.  Frankly, people are stepping behind door number two, because Bush and Co. made number two outside of door number one.  Inherent dangers exist if we shift into this next perspective ill-prepared.  Jimmy Carter is a great example.  He was right about a lot of things, but he couldn’t implement anything in the real world because he skipped shit.  See how well that worked out.  Wilber asserts, and rightly so, that liberal pluralists are dangerous because, although they lean more toward the higher perspective (with its new emergent trick, empathy), they run the risk of cultural relativism.  Thus enters are the Fox News fodder, the appeasers, who would allow Sharia Law into their own country.  Good example, Belgium.  If those tribal bastards screw with my beer, why I’ll…

Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts (sorry).

So, if you believe Sharia Law is a lower perspective than Americano, then it stands to reason that colors may exist in our own country’s debates, right?  Entrepreneurial types, including science and business (orange) and liberals (green) have reached high levels of consciousness.  Bravo peeps!  But, according to Wilber, we’re not done yet.  His integral levels, similar to the Taoists’ Third Way, are probably a conversation for another post.  But we should develop ever more effective ways to bridge these gaps between levels without offending, the other shitheads involved.  I hope Wilber covers this in his upcoming book Integral Politics, but he stays so frigging aloof it kills me.  If he would just bitch-slap a nun, just once (for me).  Come on Ken, you can do it.

Unlike Uncle Wilber, I, representing the barely integral, am not afraid to get my hands dirty (so nuns beware).  And, on that note, yes, I believe there are some clear examples of higher and lower perspectives. Condoning torture is a lower perspective than those condemning it; Sharia Law is a lower perspective than the Golden Rule; selfishness is a lower perspective than selflessness; and, yes, Dick Cheney is functioning from a lower perspective than, say, Jimmy Carter.  In fact, the distance between these two is Mt. Everest vs. the Marianas Trench.  If you disagree, increase your meditation sessions, count your breath for a year, and as Wilber asserts, “get back to me.” The glass ceilings involved in each level make this stuff heated, especially if you’re as ineloquent as, yours truly.  With any luck this fear driven movement (Rove) will be usurped by a compassion and peace driven one (integral) at some point in our future.  But let’s also hope we will not become so wussily benevolent during these green days that we will allow Sharia Law into this land.

Republicans actually fear when Obama mentions mutual interest and mutual respect.  Empathy and pluralism, outside of national borders, are concepts beyond these folks.  And to quote my father, these days republicans only care about you if you are unborn, frozen (stem cells), or brain dead.  Living real people of the planet Earth: you’re on your own.  I direct my ire at these folks a lot, but only out of love.  They should know better.  But we are just going to have to come to terms with the fact that a shockingly large faction of our society still feel we need to torture to keep us safe, while pollution and global warming are non-issues.  They continue to adhere to a whole host of sociopathic policies detrimental to other societies, our own ecosystem, and ourselves–all in the interest of maintaining their stock options.

Sorry, Bill O’Reilly, but you are most certainly not looking out for me.

Pokey McDooris and I met a spiritual guru, Robert LaChance (Unity Psychology creator) recently and he said that when he met Karl Rove in a book store a few years back, he tried to make a dent in the impossibly dense neurotic fear-bubble surrounding this man’s aura.  He came away from the encounter with a migraine and a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach (echoes of the Ghetto Shaman’s Midget Reiki?).  LaChance wanted so much to impress upon Rove the error of his ways, but he failed miserably.  Like LaChance, I don’t know how to approach this problem either.  My Muse is humor.  She insists I make fun of people, which isn’t always the best approach. As society shakes and quakes through this difficult transition, I will continue to see the humor through the horror.  Endings are always painful, like the Ghetto Shaman at last call.

So how do we move forward as a country with so many people on so many different levels of consciousness?  You can start by trusting your own judgment and not listening to the talking heads of our tanked media. Independent thought is wonderful.  And, remember, we are being pitted against each other for political gain.   

Ultimately we are responsible for ourselves and our own small part.  How we clean up our own attic is the best thing we can do for country and King.  In fact, it’s the only thing we can do.  I should start taking my own advice, of course, before I start calling people patriotards to counter the Crank’s libertards, but, oh well…it’s damn funny (stupid Muse).

Still not sure where to begin?  Trying reading Ken Wilber.  I would start with Integral Life Practice or a Brief History of Everything.  He is a brilliant dude and he believes the Daily Discord is “consistently misrepresenting my views.”

After you do some reading, try some meditation before you try medication.  You may even throw out your antidepressants or your benzos (when really it’s much more lucrative to sell them on street).  Or, you can always start with the Ghetto Shaman’s barely legal Kundalini Cruise (not recommended), or by digging through your own psyche with Dr. Sterling Hogbien’s patented ‘enhanced archeological techniques’ (really not recommended). 

But, as I’ve said before, no matter how you do it, get wellness soon.

Obama Appoints Girl Scout as FEMA Czar

Washington, DC – President Obama has unveiled his decision to appoint 12-year old Carla Pedersen from Des Moines, IA, to the position of FEMA Czar.

“Janet Napolitano is going to have to share her power with an outstanding young adult, who I am honored to have aboard team Obama.”

Troop leader, Mrs. Nancy, had this to say, “Carla is a star pupil.  She aced everything from survival skills to knot tying, and, despite the recession, her cookie sales remain high.”

When Obama was asked if the Girl Scouts organization could really prepare someone for such a critical position, the President replied, “They’re doing a heck of job, Brownies.”

When no one laughed, Obama continued.  “Look, she couldn’t do any worse than Katrina.”

Katrina, an 11 year old from Ohio, chose this moment to breakdown in tears.

“Besides,” continued Obama, “adolescents have an unemployment rate over 25%.  This will help .0001 percent.  And this is hopefully the first of many such child czars.”

Obama dismissed his critics and claimed he would keep ‘Scouting’ for new talent.

“Besides,” added Obama, “old people didn’t vote for me, so fuck’em.  Now, if you will excuse me, it’s craft time.” 

Some are concerned about handing an integral section of our Homeland Security Department over to an unqualified child.  President Obama also seems oblivious to the inherent pressure child Czars face these days.  Conspiracy theorists believe Obama’s out-of-control Czaring practices begs a reinterpretation of the movie 2010 A Space Odyssey.  The phrase, if read correctly, becomes It’s all filled with Czars, which proves, at the very least, this Discord staffer needs to find a productive hobby.

Government GPS Proposed in All Cars: You Have Exceeded Legal Mileage Limit RETURN HOME NOW

The Crank

Portland, OR – A new proposal, H.R. 3311, calls for a $150 million dollar test project designed to help the government monitor a mileage-based gas tax that would monitor all U.S. travelers. The bill was introduced by Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore.

Earl, are you Blumenauer crazy?

Now, as I have said before, there are LOTS of things I can crank on, but being a car gorilla at heart, this hits below the belt (now if only gorillas wore belts…). Here are the ramifications of such a heiney-headed move (HHM).

First off, the tax itself. In a country as large as America, much pleasure and business is conducted between Cracker Barrel restaurants. If you start taxing miles, we are all going back to the fucking 18th century, where we never need travel more than 20 miles from our home in our lifetime.  Hey, this is just the thing Obamarino needs to fund his foray into fascism. Oh, but wait, if you have to pay taxes on travel, you won’t travel. If you won’t travel, you won’t generate any taxes. But you WILL decimate the countries economy. Insert “Duh” here.

Hey Earl, come over here and turn around so I can hit you in the back of your fucking head. Did you go to a party college (you know, where Mikko went) or was it B.O.C.E.S.?

 To quote the late great Billy Mays, “But wait, there’s more”.

In the new American single-fucker, er, I mean, single-payer health system, this can bring on a whole new meaning to Big Bro. I can see it now: we will probably get tasered for just stopping at a Jack in the Box to pee. Black helicopters will circle the “blue plate” districts in our towns, looking with “FatVision goggles” for the telltale jiggle and rippling lipids of a fat man—a fat man sprinting across three lanes of traffic to make it unseen to the Country Buffet from his car parked over at the mall. Men in Ninja gear will rappel out and “down” the running fatman like a Rhino chased by Ocabogian poachers. McDonald’s will be putting all of their new restaurants inside LA Fitness’s. People will be parking in “Fat Lots” where like-minded businesses that cater to the more corpulent desires can shuttle you to your favorite Gordita stand, which will be hidden behind the façade of a hardware store or Laundromat, ala the fake Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles.

Of course, you will need to say the password to get in.  My suggestion would be Lipitor, for at least the first week.  Once inside, you will whisper your desires to a dark glassed swarthy gentleman who will lead you to a booth in the corner, where you will partake of your triple thick vanilla malt by sucking it into a large syringe and injecting it directly into your aorta. Then you will lean back, close your eyes, and drift off into a cholesterolic coma.  I know, it sounds like I have tried this before, but we won’t go there.

There is also the burgeoning aftermarket of tiny two cylinder engines that install on top of your 6 liter V8 to fool the GPS and the Carbon Police into thinking you are getting the mandated 104 MPG.  I can’t wait.

There, I’ve done it. I have actually frightened myself. I must now get my big beige ass into my Hemi Ram and go for two Six Dollar Burgers at Carl’s Jr, and do some donuts in the parking lot.

You’ll never take me alive, Bastards!!

I ♥ Liquid Dinosaurs

The Crank

Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration

Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration

Philadelphia, PA – The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, claims that the festivities scheduled for this big event have been cancelled in honor of a new Discord tradition, Great Recession Day.  Winslow would like to extend a big ‘thank you’ and an even bigger ‘Happy Anniversary’ to the Daily Discord, now heralded by at least one bald person in Vegas as “bordering on significant.” 

Now a word from the Big Guy himself: “We are laying off several Discord staffers, who either don’t earn their keep or just plain SUCK.  Your pink slips are in the mail, bitches.  In an effort to save on unemployment compensation, some of you are encouraged to report from deep within Taliban controlled territories, or from inside North Korea itself.  The Crank is no longer both Goomis and the Crank; having two names is a luxury we can no longer afford.  We are all going to have to make sacrifices.  The Ghetto Shaman agrees to continue to work for chicken wings, because “my message is too important for mankind, and I love the suicide sauce!”

Pokey should be released from jail soon, but his parole officer is not thrilled with his participation in our fine Ezine.  On a related note, screw you, officer Desoto!  Dave Atsals has finally agreed to stop sending material in exchange for beer.  That is all…oh, and remember, Big Winslow is watching.  Oh, and check out our anniversary page from week one!  I posted the first historic feature article, and it’s been all downhill every since.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was unfortunate enough to have attended one of your ‘Sin-posiums’ over at Raystown the other night.  During your longwinded infomercial on something called a Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs, you kept going on about the ‘foosball gestalt buggers’ as if everyone in the audience knew what the hell you were talking about, and, well, what the hell were you talking about?

Kurt Martins

Jersey Shore, PA

Dear Kurt,

I remember you.  You were that dick, right?  The foosball gestalt buggers, hmmmn.  You’re going to have to be more specific.  Do you remember how I used the term in context?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Where DID the 21st Century Earth Republicans REALLY Go?

When I was picked to lead Expedition Earth, I was eager to put to rest the age-old question involving the species known as the Republican tribe. Inspired by our recent discovery how the Maya were overrun due to a weak defense, a burdensome public healthcare option, and an almost non-existent immigration policy, we knew we were close to solving an even bigger mystery.  The Republican’s exodus from Earth remained a mystery for ions, which are like eons only futuristically spelt wrong. They didn’t just die off, as some assert, for they were fatter than their Democrat counterparts.  This has since been confirmed by many of the communications of the time. They also had better healthcare than their donkey-loving counterparts.  The Democrat tribe created a federal universal healthcare system for themselves, while their fatter counterparts had their own “specialists” paid by the client, not by the provider, as is done today. There is no record of a war or civil strife of any kind during this critical juncture of human history. Republicans just started to disappear around 2025, with the last vestiges found in cave drawings in abandoned Pennsyltucky Coal mines, circa 2077.

On a large island dump off the coast of a place known as Nevada, we found many references to a California. We realize now that this island was once connected to the mainland, as its coastline matches up to the island’s shoreline perfectly. These land masses were joined at the “fault line” as per the local record keepers of the time known as “The Doobie Brothers”.  Why these prolific siblings made light of “livin’ on the fault line” we will probably never know. The mindset of the locals regarding this precarious geological lifestyle (PGL) may have resulted from the local practice of inhaling burnt remnants of some of the local flora. It has been described in other records as “weed” and was widely used and taxed by the local governing body to recoup losses caused by gross mismanagement.

As we were looking for records, other than Doobie Brothers, we stumbled upon piles of bones. These remains were of local animals eaten, by mostly Democrats it seems, judging from the local record keepers of the time, including, but not limited to, Barbra Streisand and one Donald Henley. While most of the bones were of the bovine variety, with lesser amounts of the snouted, spring-tailed variety, many fewer animal bones were unearthed as compared to the southeast region.  Hidden in a vault, our research team discovered an even larger group of bones that turned out to be a grisly discovery indeed.

Our experts identified these bones as human. We initially questioned this fact, as the area was a refuse pit, not a burial site. Upon further examination, however, our experts realized some of the bones looked like those of the Republican variety, judging by their wide ribcage size, perfect teeth, and wide pelvis caused by spending most of their life in a sitting position. It was then that our lead archeologist turned to me and pointed to a series of cut marks made by the local tableware of the time.  The vault walls were strewn with carvings, such as “And for dinner we enjoyed my good friend, Senator such and such from Nebraska,” and the like. It dawned on the research team at that precise moment, why there was no record of the Republican tribe after 2025. They disappeared from the planet soon after the Democrat tribe realized they were wrong all along, but still did not want to submit to their evil counterparts. I assume in retaliation for “political” reasons, they did the only thing left for them: they ate them. Thus the term CHUDS: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Democrats.

Obamacare to not Cover Tourettes Syndrome; Congressman Pissed

Obamacare to not Cover Tourettes Syndrome; Congressman Pissed

Washington, DC – During President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday, South Carolina Republican congressman Joe Wilson blurted out “YOU LIE!”. The outburst, described by Wilson as “spontaneous”, was apparently in response to Obama’s announcement that the new nationalzed health care plan will not cover treatment for Tourettes syndrome. After the session, Wilson contacted the Whitehouse and apologized for what he called “innappropriate and regrettable” comments.

Wilson also added “Bitch! Whuuuuup! Chirp! Chirp! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”