11th Grader Insists He’s “Too Big to Fail”

Louisville, KY – Francis Melman, a junior at Liberty County High School, is challenging his school system with a rather novel defense.  Mr. Melman has a list of reasons why he flunked most of his classes at LCHS this year, but his main defense boils down to “I’m too big to fail.”

Melman told reporters, “To heck with Citigroup and AIG.  I could eat AIG for lunch.  It would probably taste better than the crap they serve around here.”

The student’s teacher, Mrs. Wrinkleman, believes his defense is “completely unfounded,” and, on an unrelated note, added, “I only had sex with him twice.”

According to Mrs. Wrinkleman, Francis Melman is an underachiever in other areas as well.  Melman denies allegations that his weight impacted his sexual performance, and claims the extra pounds may have actually helped.

Melman told reporters, “Not seeing that wrinkly ass was a huge bonus, not like an AIG bonus, but pretty big”.

Melman is planning to appeal the board’s decision that he get the hell out of the room, asshole.

“Sure I’m going to appeal,” said Melman. “Next time, I think I’m gonna come at it from Bush’s No Child Left Behind policy.  Heck, that child probably weighs less than my left behind.  Think of it this way: failing me is like flunking a whole class of hobbits”. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book, Shamanic Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, and one passage has me perplexed:

I read the signs in the sacred fire; I entered the green reptile’s web; I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage; I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows; and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval.

P.S.  Oh, and who are the Cross-dressing Guatemalans? 

Sincerely,

Jack Lavin

Beaver Dam, WI

Dear Jack,

Thank you for you patronage, one who dams his beavers.  The meaning of my work could not be clearer:

I read the signs in the sacred fire (I smoked some pot with Pokey); I entered the green reptile’s web (I had to pay a cover at the Bullfrog Brewery); I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage (I vomited in the alley); I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows (there was a Dead cover band over at the gay bar); and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval (I made it to Carl’s Pub for last-call by sneaking around that bouncer who hates me).

The Cross-dressing Guatemalans usually frequent the, aforementioned, gay bar.

The Ghetto Shaman

The Patriotard Menace: A Crank Rebuttal

Mick Zano

Listen up patriorards…oh wait, so you all put on your thinking caps, this is a Fox News Alert! There, now that I have your undivided attention: the Bush legacy is inextricably linked to the Sarah Palin Phenomenon (SPP). The only reason I mentioned Bush was to segue to the stupidity yet to come. A vote for Bush Part Deux and then supporting Sarah Palin is not a position, it’s a diagnosis. Doing the same thing over-and-over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Dr. Killpatient, have the Thorazine ready. I am appalled that the same people who voted for Bush, twice, are enthusiastically supporting his female counterpart to set things right in 2012. I am even more appalled that we’re talking about nearly half the country. I never said you were alone, Goomis, it’s just that you should be. As the “mental health professional” in the room with over six years of bachelor level education, when really it was only 5 ½ years, exaggerator, going from Bush to Palin is like divorcing your first husband for beating you and then marrying that sweet hunky guy down the street, who immediately starts beating you! As my domestic violence therapist oftensays, your picker is broken. But that’s OK. These things are fixable, but the first step in the healing process is recognizing the problem. This isn’t just a post, peeps, it’s an intervention.

Crank, there’s very little I can argue with in your last post, because you consistently misrepresent my position. With one notable exception: “Mick, you really haven’t actually read any of her (Sarah Palin’s) stuff, have you?”

She can write?!

Sadly, the Fox News ideological pattern is neurological and it seems We the People have suffered from some kind of society-wide stroke recently. From the psychiatric perspective, the neococoon certainly is anti-social, neurotic, and stress inducing (like Midget Reiki). What we are witnessing is the Hannitization of the Republican base. Facts and logic have no place here. Only facts that back their own ideology are viewable from the reason-twisted depths of the neococoon. Patriotards hate the alternative so much that they will follow any Tom, Dick or Sarah that is believed indigenous of “Real America.” In one of my articles, I discussed how the human mind is easily tricked (again and again).

  • Fact: our minds are easily duped by any semi-talented media spin meister.
  • Fact: we should be on the lookout for this in the future, because the media has completely tanked.
  • Fact: you’re not getting it yet.

Here’s the even sadder part. History goes in cycles because eventually people forget the mistakes they once made and, oops, history repeats itself. What is stunning these days is this: people don’t even realize they made the mistake in the first place. So now, presto, we can avoid all those pesky decades of reform and make the same mistake six to eight seconds later. Here’s how it works: some talking head puts the dirty laundry on the spin cycle and we, as a society, are ready to lock-and-load a few minutes later with Bad Idea: Part Deux.

Enter Sarah “I really don’t know a hell of a lot” Palin. How does one penetrate this bubble of non-reality? This is all deeply disturbing to me, like my friend Shag.

Hey, let’s play a game. Name one credible conservative pundit that…

Oh, a hard game.

Now, now, let’s name a credible conservative pundit who has been right about something in the last decade. …

This game sucks! I don’t want to play.

Wait, here’s the clincher. Name one of those four conservatives left standing that thinks Sarah Palin is a viable candidate in the near future?

You mean, there aren’t any?! So she’s sooo poorly qualified that her profound lack of experience, credibility, and smarts has even pierced the impossibly thick exoskeleton of the neococoon?

You mean to tell me, no dems, no independents, no one from any other county on the planet, and *gasp* no credible Republican thinks she’s a viable candidate? What about David Frum? George Will? Andrew Sullivan? Christopher Hitchens? Heck, even your own hero, Charles Krauthammer, thinks Palin’s a joke.

So how, according to the latest Rasmussen poll, are 42% of the population of the United States of Dysphasia even less informed than the people with Terminally Wrong Syndrome (TWS)? Hmmmm. Oh, that’s right, a few conservative propaganda experts are still grinding out those 24 hour snooze cycles that are somehow successfully downloaded directly into the brainpans of the patriotards.

Now, I admit, Palin is getting a raw deal. This poor woman was thrust into the limelight by this crazy old coot, who, incidentally, stopped making sense several years ago. But couldn’t that also explain the George W. Bush story?

Thanks a bunch Herbert Walker Texas Deranger and John McCognitive Decline.

The Democrats suck, but they’ll be out of power in no time because, say what you want about those liberatards, they won’t vote in a total asshole twice. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice………………..we won’t get fooled again.

At least the dems went into this round with two of their star pupils (sad as that may be).

On the other hand, here is the vetting process from the neococoon in its entirety:

Raise your right hand if you love America.

OK, great.

Raise your right hand if you think the world is 6,000 years old

Great, you’re in.

What’s not to love?

Your quote: “the thought that if you are conservative, religious and value all human life you can’t be taken seriously is flawed in every sense.” I agree. That was the whole point of my last article. Thank you for summing up my point. You can take off the Hannity filter any time now. You are free to move about the cabin. Newsflash: conservatives have some important ideas and represent a valuable perspective, but the problem is, it’s been hijacked by morons. One’d think you’d notice.

I’m really crossing my fingers this point sinks in. Here it goes: it’s not about your views, Crank, and never has been; it’s about your unswerving ability to hire third-graders to champion your views.

Yes, Fox is huge, which is, once again, my point. They are the quintessential bottom feeders. Why are they so big? Not a great sign for the future. Liberals don’t have to like Air America either. They are both ideology driven, only Air America has four viewers and Fox has half the country. And, your quote “maybe he (Obama) should leave office now.” Are you kidding? You and the Foxers cheered on the worst president in history for nearly eight years. In six months, I am already greatly disappointed with Obama. You see, I use something called independent thought. You should try it some time.

And, like you, I believe smart people and patriotic people should not be mutually exclusive categories. It’s just that, these days, you can’t seem to be both (at least not on TV). I am basing this on observations. You see, one of the most crucial things about humanity in this day and age is a concept Freud called Reality Function, which stresses independent observation and the importance of rising above societal-based inherited patterns. One does this by eliminating all of those pesky preconceptions that muddle independent thought.

The one thing we must teach our children is the value of independent thought (which is on the endangered list, by the way). Yes, the shadow sign of green is often psychotic and troubling, but there is no better measuring stick for this failure of Freud’s Reality Function than those 42 percent of our country ready to forget what brought this country to its knees a few short months ago and vote for the only person who clearly represents Bush’s third term, Sarah “what does this red button do?” Palin.

I do agree with the Crank that Bill Maher is wrong. America isn’t stupid, just hopelessly misguided. OK, it isn’t as simple as that. The Flynn Effect, the theory that discovered that we, as a species, get 3 IQ points smarter each generation, has finally screeched to a halt. Does that mean we’re all stupid as Maher asserts? I wouldn’t put it as bluntly as him, because I’m trying to sarcastically salve society, not overtly fuck with it. I am still rooting for this bunch, thus the tragic optimist plug at the top of this website. The fact remains, America’s IQ may be dropping for the first time this century. Is that related to the Fox News phenomenon?

Things that make you go, hmmmmm.

Crank, you do an awesome job dismantling ‘green,’ and I encourage you to continue the good fight. And I couldn’t agree more with your last paragraph, but please, for crying out loud, turn that same critical eye toward the heaping pile of shit in your corner of the room. The other night while listening to Fox talk about ‘The Obama culture of corruption,’ I couldn’t help but think, “there’s alcohol of some sort in my Listerine, isn’t there?”

Sure the corruption they were talking about is probably true (hint: Obama is a politician), but these days there are at least five Republican scandals for every one Democratic scandal. That is math we can believe in. But, as I have come to understand, this doesn’t make any sense to the neococoon and invariably falls on deaf ears. You see, they are a binary bunch: good/bad, liberatard/not liberatard, right/wrong, American/anti-American, terrorist/not terrorist.

I know, I know, does not compute, ignore, moveon.org. Warning, Will Robinson, Danger, Danger!

Geez, wasn’t changing the patriotard’s perspective one of Hercules’ labors? I think it was right before he diverted that river and right after he wrestled that giant squid.

Top Ten Worst Bar Names

  1. The Bewildered Skank
  2. The Scrotum and Mallet
  3. In Through the Out Door (named after a gay Led Zeppelin cover band)
  4. Bill E. Rubin’s Liver Lounge and Sundeck (free sunglasses!)
  5. The Bloody Stool (an English-style pub with random Ultimate Fighting events)
  6. The Clap and Crab Titty Bar
  7. Gallagher’s Goiter
  8. The Yeasty Crotch Pub
  9. The Medicated Stiffy
  10. Farty McDingleberrys

Earth To Mick: Can You Hear Me Now?

The Crank

OK, let’s break down your last bout of blogiarrhea.

First paragraph: Let’s start by bringing up the Bushmeister again, very novel.  Gee, it’s been six months already and we have to keep mentioning him to remind folks their beliefs are meaningless if they ever voted for W. That was 4 and 8 years ago. If this were the case, Micko, after your 6 year stint at a 4 year college you should remain perpetually mute. Oh yeah, then let’s quote Maher, the same guy who is looking at Vegas lounges now that Bush is no longer doing anything he can blame him for. Yes, the same Maher that just called all Americans stupid people in a recent interview.

Second paragraph: Again with Bush?  Just to remind all us Alzfuckingheimer patients, and let’s call all patriotic people dangerous slack-jawed unedumakated losers, so that the rest of us might feel justified in not giving a shit, or giving the wrong shit, as it were. That’s the same elitist bullshit I’ve heard before. Listen Omega Man, the notion that if you are conservative, religious and value all human life you can’t be taken seriously is flawed in every sense. If you really believe that, might I suggest that you take the next train to Switzerland with $10,000.00 and they will assist your suicide a-la Soylent Green.  Dr. Gevorkian, there’s a liberatard to see you.

You better watch your ass, Micko, there are Mormons out there that will outsmart you at every turn, and Mormons are nearly as dangerous as Scientologists, minus Tom Cruise and Xenu, Warrior Princess.

Third and fourth:

She’s just obviously petty, inarticulate, and her politics, what can be gleaned of them, are pathetic.”

Mick, you really haven’t actually read any of her stuff, have you?  You just take the same stance as the rest of your ilk for fear of retribution. It’s obvious to me now that libs fear their own resident bullies far more than they fear a tight-assed perky-boobied ex-Governors (TAPBeG). Oh yeah, bring up Fox too.  After all, today it was stated that in the last ratings period Fox News Channel was second in ALL CABLE NETWORKS.  Where not just talking about news networks, but in the entire U.S. You are staring down the barrel of a hunting rifle Mikkwad, and the more elitist your words, the more pressure is being put on the collective trigger.

Fourth thru seventh: Can’t argue much, except, rather than waiting until he leaves to do the right thing, maybe Obama should leave office now. He could do a lot of permanent damage before the end of his term. I do actually believe that most common folk (you know, dickwads) do travel down the middle of the road. Unfortunately that usually means they are driving atop the white line, and that can be disastrous.  Hear ye, hear ye.  Middle of the roaders don’t want to hear from elitist Dems, progressives, Bible thumpers, CEO’s, or Xenu Warrior Princess.

Can’t anybody just do the fucking job? You’re the mental health expert here, can a truly noble politician ever be found? I think not. That’s why we need forced political service. Everyone between eighteen and sixty-five has to put in one year representing their state in Washington, DC.  The government will pay their mortgage and car payments, as well as room and board for that whole year. That way we will truly have no one to blame but ourselves.  

I have spoken.  Make it so…

Goomis

New Federal Healthcare Insurance Policies Only Benefit Klingons, Siamese Twins, and Earthworms

L. Wolfe

Washington, DC – In June, the Obama Administration released information on the new cardiology healthcare insurance for all Americans.  Additional assurance/quality control reviews, however, reveal that this insurance is only available to Americans with more than one functional heart. 

Mr. Lestan Onest, Esq., fiduciary Lawyer for the Federal Health Care Insurance Fraud Commission, had this to say: “Well, it’s no different than the Cash for Clunkers program and the associated EPA mile-per-gallon review, wherein several car models underwent changes just before the program’s kick off. What we’re really doing is insuring the second heart, the backup heart, so to speak.  So, if for some reason your first heart fails, you can file an application that would cover you in the event your second heart fails at some later date.  It’s really a good program for those Americans with more than one heart.”

When asked if Klingons and Siamese twins would be covered, Mr. Onest stated “Hmmm. I’m not familiar with Klingons. They’re from Eurasia, right?”

When our own Bald Tony explained that Klingons are from Qo’noS (Kronos to us Earthlings) and have two hearts, Mr. Onest countered with, “This program is designed for legal citizens of the United States, current Green Card and Visa holders, and any illegal aliens who have been here receiving other U.S. benefits for five years or more.  That’s probably something you’d need to take up with the immigration office.” 

Bald Tony suggested, “Shouldn’t Universal healthcare cover the greater Universe?”

Mr. Onest begged to differ, but he assured Americans that Siamese twins would be covered under the new program “for sure.”  But, apparently, they would have to identify which twin had the “primary” heart, and which twin had the backup heart that is actually covered.  Also, in this case, since the twins are physically connected, Onest believes that legally they would need to be each other’s beneficiaries. When it was pointed out that generally both twins would die if one heart failed, Mr. Onest stated, “Well, that would be a complicating factor. I suppose they could have a notary public file the claim for the other dead twin, and payment would then be made directly back into the federal fund for any post-mortem cardiological services rendered, since there would be no living beneficiary.” 

When asked about the future of affordable gestational legal services, Onest backpedaled, “Look, not all of the details have obviously been worked out yet, but we are very hopeful that these new policies will benefit some freak or another.”

When Bald Tony questioned how naturalized earthworms are genetically fitted with a multi-chambered heart, Onest replied, “Although the earthworm and other creatures from the annelid family technically qualify for coverage, I believe this is an easily correctable oversight.”

The Obama administration has since released the statement that all extra hearts will be surgically removed from any and all earthworms to compensate for this error. The folks at PETA are outraged about the proposed plan, which they feel constitutes cruelty to earthworms.  They are threatening to “defend against the unnecessary hardship that such surgeries would cause the earthworms and their families.” All of the Obama Administration’s healthcare initiatives are currently undergoing attacks from both the left and the right. Obama’s fourth Kidney coverage plan, KCC-IV, is meeting with similar scrutiny. 

To change the subject a bit, next week the Obama Administration plans to unveil a tax rebate program whereby every qualified American is entitled to a one-time $150,000 tax refund. Indications are, however, that it’s only available to those Americans who haven’t paid any income taxes at all since 1929.  Thus far, only Al Capone would actually be eligible for the program. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hello, I am an attractive twenty six year old Yoga instructor.  I am striving for complete inner and outer harmony.  Striving seems to have led me into a blind alley for the moment.  Can you help me?

Pam Nystrom

Johnstown, PA

Dear Pam,

I believe I can.  Bend over, I’ll strive. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Clinton Admits the Two Girls He Brought Back From His Oriental Envoy Are Not the Missing Journalists

Los Angeles, CA – The Ling and Lee families are now claiming that the two women former President Bill Clinton returned from North Korea are not their loved ones. Clinton was initially stunned by the allegations. 

“Laura Ling and Euna Lee are home safe and sound,” insisted Clinton.  “They were treated well by their North Korean captors, and they were both very grateful, to me personally, for their new found freedom.”

Clinton then repeated the words “very grateful” several times while giggling to himself.

When reporters asked why the Ling family is considering legal action over what they are describing as an “emotional rollercoaster,” Clinton stiffened. “Those ungrateful bastards!  I go through all the trouble of wooing those little…all right. I admit it. Mistakes may have been made.  I get a little overexcited when Hillary let’s me leave on a road trip un-chaperoned, if you know what I mean.”

Clinton faltered further as the press conference turned ugly.  He came up with several reasons, one more ridiculous than the next, as to why the misidentification was not his fault.

“After all,” said Clinton, “there was certainly a chance, albeit a slim one, that these women were Laura and Euna.”

At one point during the heated press conference, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with those hookers.”

Mr. Clinton apologized to the Ling and Lee families in a heartfelt poetic speech.

He then asked, “If it’s not too much trouble, could you send the girls back over to my place.  Tell them it’s for their debriefing, but briefs are optional, if you follow.”

Obama Apologizes to Geico Cavemen for the Pleistocene Neanderthal Genocide (PNG)

Washington, DC – President Barak Obama spoke to a group of cavemen earlier today at a benefit luncheon at the luxurious Palomar Hotel.  His mission was to smooth over some growing tensions over his administration’s failure to address the Neanderthal extinction issue.  Obama said the accountability begins and ends with him.

“I apologize for not apologizing earlier,” said Obama.  “In retrospect, I clearly should have apologized for this when I had nothing better to do than apologize for things.  For this I am sincerely sorry.” Obama went on to say, “This apology is long overdue.  In fact, it’s about forty-five thousand years overdue.”

The President is just glad that the world’s oldest inhabitants can finally find some closure to this dark period of human prehistory.  Long ago Homo sapiens ousted their Neanderthal cousins, wiping them off the face of the Earth, in an act that Obama described as “rash, unjust, and inexcusable.”  Obama would like to blame America for the Neanderthal’s demise since it is “likely to piss off the patriotards.”  To end the press conference on a lighter note, Obama finished with a joke.

He apologized again for the heinous Pleistocene genocide against a thoughtful and peaceful race before adding, “Genocide may be tough, but my apology was so easy a caveman could do it.”

Obama’s attempt at jocularity sparked a violent riot amongst nearly all of the dining Geico Cavemen in attendance. The disturbance ended with twelve arrests and 47 injuries.  President Obama regrets that his remarks were poorly received and hopes to re-establish strong ties with his cavemen constituents before his return to giving a shit, which is projected to be some time in early 2011. 

The Bucks County Badlands: Haunted Pennsylvania

My wife and I have spent considerable amounts of time and money in downtown New Hope, Pennsylvania.  For those of you unfamiliar with this cozy little playhouse town, it’s well worth the stop.  One weekend, while vacationing there, I even proposed to my wife (along with several other women who happened to pass at the time).  We always try to hit New Hope whenever we’re within a hundred miles of the joint.  Speaking of joints, John & Peter’s Place is a must.  It’s a bar on Main Street that boasts 37 years of live music.  There’s a wooden sliding door to the backroom where many a good band can be heard.  But John & Peter have no shame, apparently.  Neither do their friends over at Woody & Johnson’s just down the street (members only).  New Hope has plenty of good eateries and a few good bars, but the town could use a brewpub, a better beer bar, a humidor, a Belgian bistro, and a few more women who will accept my advances, or at least not involve the authorities.  But I’m not complaining, the hell I’m not.  Get cracking on that, peeps!

Our trip started out typically enough.  My wife and I took the New Hope ghost tour by lantern light, John’s Peter Place for a brew, and then caught a play.  Ah, I remember it well.  I was dressed as Gomez and my wife was dressed as Morticia Adams (or was it the other way around?).  It wasn’t Halloween; we’re just not horribly well is the thing.  The next day, our travels took a sinister twist, however.  We decided to take an alternate route out of town.  The road less traveled, as it were. It’s the kind of decision that prompts Rod Serling to step out from behind some bushes and say something like, “A traveling couple opt for some changes in their itinerary.  Unbeknownst to them, their new destination now lies in one of the dangerously undercooked loins of The Twilight Zone.” 

On our way northward and homeward, we agreed to do some exploring along the Delaware River.  After some sightseeing, we hoped to arrive at the Ship Inn, just over the Jersey border, at or around suppertime. The Ship Inn is a great brewpub, by the way, that serves a mean brown ale.  But what happened to the drunken clam appetizer, huh?  But I’m not complaining, the hell I’m not.  Get cracking on that, peeps!

We never arrived at that infamous drinkery. Mwahahhahahah…

OK, that’s not the scary part, except for those few beer connoisseurs amongst you.  We did end up at the Witches’ Brew in Easton, where I managed to set my laptop on fire.  The strange part, OK, the strange part for the purpose of this post, happened just north of New Hope, where we found ourselves on this tiny strip of land between the Delaware River and this old canal.  The area was secluded, atmospheric, and thick with old oak trees.  The place was daunting and had a heavy feel to it, not unlike my friend Jim Blob.

At some point during our northward jaunt, we became lost in a rather desolate section of those Buck’s County badlands.  The road we got stuck on was called Upper Black Eddy Road, just off of River Road.  We had just driven passed a large structure on the right and Rod Serling puffing on a cigarette to the left, when I decided to take a moment to enjoy this strange and compelling parcel of woodland, and, of course, pop open another can of Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor.  OK, not really. I just wanted to get out the map.  Women typically can’t navigate, you see, and my wife is no exception.  We were driving around in circles for about a half hour and my mascara was running.  I only had one girlfriend who could ever use a map properly.  Lola, I think her name was.  Anyway, we pulled over and I decided to get out of the car.  The area was strangely quiet, too quiet.  After only a few seconds, I stepped back into the car, grabbed the map, and started the engine.

“What’s wrong?” my wife asked. 

“This place gives me the creeps,” I said, and then immediately became rather adamant about finding my old girlfriend, Lola, and a new map (something not refolded ad infinitum by some origami sadist).  Besides, I wanted some drunken clams, some brown ale, and some women to propose to during those few blissful moments when my wife is in the can.

An uneasy feeling crept into the core of my being.  I had only felt something like that a few other times, most involving my ex, Lola, or undercooked pork products.  Seriously, my wife can’t cook pork.  She’s not Jewish, she’s just profoundly pork impaired (PPI).

In retrospect, she said it’s the only time I ever seemed spooked (I will leave the eve before my wedding out of this).  Since adulthood, I only remember three similar spook-related-experiences (SREs). Two occurred in the presence of a guy named Shag, and the last took place in the heart of the Superstition Mountains with a guy named Pokey.  Don’t read too deeply into this.  A guy named Shag and Pokey; I know what you’re thinking, but we’re all straight.  Well, Shag is iffy, but the rest of us are dead butch.  Oh, how fondly I recall those summers up at PokeShag Mountain. 

After much fear and loathing, we did eventually find our way out of that foul and terrible place and, once we arrived home, I pulled out a proper map and found the very spot where we had stopped.  I looked online only to discover the piece of real estate we were poking about was known as the Devil’s Half-Acre.  The Devil had originally wanted an entire acre, or so the story goes, but something about a really good fiddle player, Daniel Webster, and one bitch of a real estate agent and, well, have some sympathy for the devil, will ya?

A tavern is the only structure standing in the middle of Salem’s lot.  It was built in the 1800s (by drunken demons I suppose) and was frequented by the workers who dredged out the nearby canal.  The original owner was a questionable sort (not unlike our own Ghetto Shaman) and he was often in trouble with the authorities (not unlike our own Dave Atsals). Legend has it that the whole place is overrun by the spirits of the dead canal workers who died at the tavern during many-a-wild bar brawl (tragically just before happy hour).  The losers of these fights were said to be buried somewhere on the grounds by the owner of the place.  Apparently, there are all kinds of critters buried behind Farmer Vincent’s shitters.  The Devil’s Half Acre is actually part of Solebury Township and how many souls are buried behind that dark and terrible place remains unclear.  Mwaahahahah.  Taverns don’t usually bother me, but taverns that no longer serve beer apparently scare the shit of me.  If you’re really quiet in those accursed woods, you can almost here those spirits saying: Is it still happy hour?  Are there free wings by chance?  And, who the hell just broke that bottle over my head?

If you ever find yourself driving along that windy lonesome river road, dressed like Morticia Adams, go with someone who knows how to navigate, like Lola, and pop open some Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor for those thirsty tragic spirits of yore.

Brewhaha: Obama Beer Summit Breaks Down to Brew Swayin’ Bust

CEO’s NOTE: Dammit, Mick reports that those bastards at The Onion have scooped us (although I haven’t actually read it….wait, I can’t even find it. What the hell are you talking about???) but I’m running it anyway…

Washington, DC – The infamous Beer Summit designed to help smooth over Obama’s recent comments about the arrest of Harvard Professor, Henry Gates, did nothing of the sort. Professor Gates set the negative tone for the evening by ordering a Black Label. Officer Crowley wasted no time countering with a Blue (police officer) Moon (dropping my pants, metaphorically, asshole). President Obama could have opted to take the high ground, but instead decided to order an Extra Special Bitter.

Crowley then asked, “Oh, I see you like bitter beers, Mr. President, you should try Rogue Dead Guy Ale.”

The President countered with, “It’s a shame there are no doughnut flavored beers for our men in blue.”

Crowley then asked, “Have you ever tried a Negro Pendejo?”

Gates, through gritted teeth, corrected him, “I think you mean, Negra Modelo.”

The conversation went south from there. This reporter seriously doubts whether Pete’s Prejudice Porter from White Supremacist Brewery is even a real beer.

To add citation to injury, following the event, Sergeant Crowley pulled the president and professor over on their way back to the professor’s hotel.

“I had probable cause,” stated Crowley. “I was invited into their crib where they proceeded to crack 40s right in front of me.”

When questioned as to whether this action constituted entrapment, Crowley responded “When you see two of ‘those types’ in a limo, it’s usually a king-pin, a rap-group, or a car-jacking. No matter how you slice it, it comes up felony.”

Allegedly, Obama’s cocaine and hookers bribe fell on deaf beers.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I must admit to being a New Age newbie.  What the heck is Chi?  And what exactly is a super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation?   I hear these crazy things bandied about in the course of my studies, but I must admit to being completely lost sometimes. 

Bobby Tonelli

Kennebunkport, ME

Dear Bobby,

(or may I call you Bobert?)

You must harness your Chi. You must cultivate your Chi.  At the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss, Chi is the key, you see! You must make the Chi your pet, a Chia Pet, if you will.  As for the super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation, I use prune juice, a warrior’s drink.

The Ghetto Shaman

My Facebook Needs a Face Lift

Dave Atsals

A friend and fellow Discordian, who would like to remain Mickless, recommended we all register on Facebook, and I hate him for it.  I opened an account, a public one, no less, and thanks to Pierce Winslow’s great idea to use public accolades instead of our real names, well…let’s just say I’ve gotten about what I deserve.  NOTHING. ABSOULTELY NOTHING.  Facebook, or no, the expected herds of adoring fans have yet to materialize.  The sexy blonde female stalkers have not overwhelmed my home page.  In fact, I haven’t even had any hate mail.  Nothing, nada, nichts.   Worse yet, despite the endless spam ads assaulting my web searches, the awful truth is: there are absolutely no hot single women in my area waiting to talk to me!  None!  It’s all a lie!  AHHHHhhhhhhhh! Distraught and disenchanted, I turned to the internet to search for my true popularity.  Wikipedia’s search results for Dave Atsals are as follows:

Dave Stalls, my ass.  I’m not a Query either, although I can belt out some show tunes when plied with enough alcohol.

My Google search for Dave Atsals resulted in this: did you mean Dave Astels? A few links to Discord articles also appeared, but who the hell is Dave Astels? Upset by this imposter stealing my thunder, I checked my real name.  After all, Dave Atsals is a sobriquet like all famous writer-folk and escaped convict types use (or even those few people, like yours truly, that happen to be both).   Again, my search revealed nothing—nothing but a few public court related documents. 

I did have much better luck with my YAHOO search.  Dave Atsals, pulled a lot of links to the Daily Discord, and that glory-seeking son of a bitch, Astels, was thankfully nowhere to be found.  My real name was actually linked to an Obituary, not my own, of course, at least I’m reasonably sure. 

I then decided to search the names of some of my friends and relatives, figuring this would make me feel better. WRONG.  The search of my father’s name pulled 30 hits, my mother 10.  Hell, when I searched my son’s name I got 15 pages of listings, and he hasn’t even been arrested yet.  For Christ’s sake my dog’s name got two hits.  Of course, that’s only because he bit my neighbor in the ass.  Sorry about that, Dad.

I then searched for some other things.  Famous Dave did not turn up any related articles, but I did spit out a great BBQ pit place that sounds worth a try, or perhaps a future franchise.  Any investors out there?  They even let kids eat free.  Famous Dave is also a porn star with a 10 inch accoutrement; couldn’t possibly be me (famous Dave falls a little short).

My search for Famous Dave Atsals didn’t even reveal anything in English.  But it did say “DO YOU MEAN FAMOUS DAVE ASTALS?”  Screw him, and, no, I’m not a gay porn star either.

I guess this writing thing isn’t bringing me the fame and fortune I duly deserve.  Plans are now in the work to gain fame the old fashion way, “on the cover of the Rolling Stone.”  I can see it now. I’ll buy five copies for my 10 hits mother.  Of course, the police news section is a far more likely spot to keep up with my antics. 

I did find some relief when I searched for Pokey McDooris, and Mick Zano.  Their names didn’t even pull up links to the Daily Discord. They did pull up some articles about tin cups, cell bars, and front steps, but that’s a whole other article.  Oh, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I get a call from Mick Zano.  Get this, he promoted me to marketing and sales manager about a day after writing this puppy.  Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, marketing manager of the Daily Discord.  Did you mean Daily Dischord?   Screw you, Zano!  Last time I listened to you I ended up with a storage unit full of Betamax VCRs.  There is some good news amidst this pile of ego shriveling horse dung.  Our old marketing manager is now working for Dave Astels.  Good luck with that Davey.  See you in the Obits soon. 

Police Seek Ghetto Shaman as Person of Interest in Jackson Case

Los Angeles, CA – The Los Angeles Police Department has uncovered evidence suggesting the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman was Jackson’s first spiritual advisor.  The picture, depicted above, was obtained through the combined efforts of LIFE Magazine and someone who knows Adobe Photoshop.  The Shaman allegedly continued to prescribe ‘herbal’ remedies to the pop legend, nonstop, since the early seventies.

“He’s definitely a person of interest,” stated detective Augustin Villanueva of the LAPD.  “Let me be clear, we’re not implying there was any foul play here, but simple import/export transactions were ongoing between the two.”

The police know that copious amounts of Big Jug Extra Malt Liquor, Banana Red Mad Dog, and dime baggies of something containing trace amounts of THC were regularly exchanged between the two.  A handwritten note from the Ghetto Shaman with directions on how to make hallucinogens from nutmeg and Ramen Noodles was also found at the Neverland Ranch, along with a pamphlet on something called Midget Reiki.  Against all odds, the Daily Discord was able to arrange an exclusive interview with the Ghetto Shaman, who remains in hiding.

“I was in constant communication with Dr. Conrad Murray (Jackson’s personal physician),” claims the Ghetto Shaman.  “I am innocent!”

He also wants authorities to know the two were coordinating their efforts to return Michael to the “real world.” The Ghetto Shaman insists that all of his techniques are designed to expand consciousness in a safe and effective way, using only a few household poisons.  Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, would like to stand by his comrade during this difficult time period.

“Turn yourself in, freak,” said Winslow.  “You can still send us your weekly column from the pokey…By the way, where the hell is Pokey?  And where is this week’s post?  I need it every THURSDAY.  No postee, no payee, bitch.”

Earth to All Patriotards

Mick Zano

Beware!  The patriotards are reconstituting themselves, like those tiny Terminator droplets that reform when you’re not looking.  Patriotards are folks still confused and/or ambivalent about the Bush Administration’s legacy.  And, to set things right, they believe all this country needs is President Sarah Palin. A recent Rasmussen poll, my main reason for this post, finds 42% of this country ready and willing to vote for Palin in 2012.  Forty-two percent…this country…Earth, you betcha ya.  And this number will only increase with another attack.  One peep from Al-Qaeda and the patriotard hordes will seep out of the woodwork like, well, those Terminatorites.  As Bill Maher put it, after the next attack we’ll tear up the other half of the Bill Of Rights and Toby Keith is president.  This Rovian wave of nationalistic neurosis is the heartland of Patriotard Country.  You still don’t understand the patriotard menace?  Let me splain.  No, that will take too long.  Let me sum up…

It’s a free country (used to be anyway, before your last brainchild), so go ahead, vote for her.  But finding a way to identify and track Palinites is important sociological research.  We can call it the slow-jack.  You see, waving an American flag doesn’t necessarily mean you’re patriotic.  Patriotards, while waving such flags, have done more damage to our country then both reality television and ‘alternate side parking’ combined.   I know what you’re thinking.  How do you stay patriotic and intelligent, Mick?  Well, that does seem to be the issue, doesn’t it?  Patriotism these days seems to suggest an almost Sean Hannity-style level of denial.  Let’s say, for argument sake, Christopher Hitchens throws his hat into the ring in 2012. Now, I don’t agree with a lot of Hitchen’s policies, but I would consider voting for him, in fact, I probably would, because he’s fiercely intelligent. He embraces the heart of entrepreneurialism, small government, fiscal conservatism, and would be keenly shrewd on foreign policy.  He’s not even my brand but I clearly respect the model.  Palin fans wouldn’t like him, probably don’t even know him. 

Why do patriotards insist on the lowest common denominator? Why not find someone to champion your views who isn’t dating Cleetus the “Slack Jawed” Yokel.  I am petitioning the American Psychological Association to add a Pervasive Patriotard Disorder to the new DSM-V in hopes a viable treatment can be developed.

If you support Sarah Palin you are simply a Fox-only-watcher (FOW), or, well, the other option is even less charitable.  Look, I have nothing against Sarah Palin. That’s just a banana in my pocket, really.  I don’t mind idiots; I just don’t want any more for president, thanks.  People say, Mick, you’re afraid of her because she’s popular.  Whaaa?  I’m afraid of people in their forties going on sixteen…especially ones with aspirations to be president. But let me make this perfectly clear: the media hasn’t duped me into despising her; she’s just obviously petty, inarticulate, and her politics, what can be gleaned of them, are pathetic.  I based this determination not on the media’s coverage of her, but on the strings of unrelated words spewing out of her mouth that she calls sentences. 

The most recent patriotard pet peeve (PPP) about Obama involves all of the czars he is currently appointing to head everything from the auto industry to the porn industry.  I always wanted to be a porn czar.  Obama is simply continuing Bush’s expansion of power.  This isn’t algebra, folks.  Czars are answerable to no one but the President, so Obama can avoid congress and those pesky cabinet posts by appointing as many as humanly possible.  The patriotards cheered on Bush’s czar power for years. So it’s OK when your guy spawns this evil precedent, but now you cry foul? Anyone who passed civics class can tell you it’s too late once you let the czar out of the Kremlin.

Obama is the most powerful president ever.  He’s an Uber President.  Look, let me borrow a Crank-style analogy to help.  If someone gave you a Dodge Viper on Inauguration Day, are you really going to jump back into the Ford Escort for four years?  Please…  Let him take these new executive powers out for a spin, will ya?  Torture some bad guys, hire some death squads, maybe even appoint me as porn czar (I work cheap).

Now here’s my plan to restore order: “Know Soap.”  Obama can clean up on the way out.  Now hear me out on this. The only thing this democracy still has going for it is term limits.  If he does actually leave office when he’s supposed to, he could throw the keys to the Dodge Viper into the Potomac on his last day in office.  Restore order on the way out.  It’s brilliant!  This way he gets to have fun and we get our Constitution and our Bill of Rights back at the end of his term.  Not much of our country will be left by then, of course, but not much of it’s really left now.  It’s just the patriotards haven’t gotten the memo yet, is all.  Hint: they’re a little slow. 

Now to keep the Crank a little less cranky, there’s another end of the spectrum.  If you think Nancy Pelosi is doing a bang up job, welcome to the libertard club.  I agree with the Crank on the danger of libertards (another sure sign of the apocalypse).  The Crank feels most people are in themiddle of these two extremes, but I see it differently.  I think Karl Rove ordered everyone behind door number one, or door number two.  His politics of polarization worked far better than even he could imagine.  Americans now side with one group of developmentally disabled politicians or the other.  I think there are two countries, and I don’t like either of them.  About 42 percent of the country consists of patriotards, 45% consist of libertards, and 12 percent are hopelessly ambivalent.  Who’s left, you ask?  Yes, I’m talking about the Transcosmetic Party!  We need more integral voices.  The fighting one percent! The army of integral thinkers…onward Wilber soldiers!  

Oh, and Barak…I know you want to go on this joy ride of yours for awhile, but please stop riding the collective clutch.  A second stimulus?  Stop.  Please, just try male enhancement products. 

Oh, and I will be submitting my resume for porn czar shortly.  Open your minds real wide.  

Lowell Observatory Discovers Really Hot Chick in Sedona

Flagstaff, AZ – The Lowell Observatory has discovered an impressive binary, D-cup, star system just thirty miles south of their Mars Hill location.  Business is booming since the observatory shifted her historic Clark telescope toward the sun bathing escapades of one Kristy Felldorfer of Sedona, AZ.

Professor Nicholas Steiger had this to say about the new events calendar:  “She usually flips on the hour, so her twin binary system is viewable at 1:00, 3:00, and 5:00 PM.”

This attraction is highlighted by a dual aureole effect, tantalizingly cresting at the poles.  On alternating hours, 12:00, 2:00, and 4:00 PM, the full moon appears over the southern horizon to the roar of some horny astronomy enthusiasts. 

Professor Steiger admits to playing more with his Polaris since the recent change in venue, but as Steiger put it, “Take my wife, Pleiades.”

Steiger then laughed at his own joke to the point of choking. 

One of the Observatory’s second year interns, Duane Rufus, had this to say: “Finally, a heavenly body worth tracking.”

Rufus is considering the implications of an even closer encounter with Ms. Feldorfer and is planning an away mission this fall.  The Observatory hopes to boost gift shop sales with color photo spreads of what astronomers have come to call the Kristy Felldorfer Experience.  Is this just the beginning for the Fantastic Voyeurs?  Professor Steiger’s latest empirical article Turn that Hubble, Putz, onto those Bubble Butts has met with mixed reviews.