Michael Jackson Is Still Dead, for Now

The announcement that Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009, has taken this country and the entire world by storm. However, the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has uncovered evidence that Michael Jackson really died in a pyrotechnic accident while filming a Pepsi commercial way back in 1984. Apparently the character we have been seeing is really an animatronic facsimile of the pop star now dead for 25 years.

An anonymous source in the Jackson entourage was quoted as saying “We simply could not keep the thing working any longer. The MJ-2 has constantly been breaking down for years. We’ve had to rework just about everything: the skin, the hair, the hands, the ears, and just look at that nose; we never did get that thing right. We pretty much had to cover up one part or another all of the time. Sometimes we even had to resort to using duct tape just to hold the figure together for public appearances. Finally the thing suffered a catastrophic failure; apparently it won’t run on Demerol and Vicodin.”

A sampling of the efforts by the Jackson entourage to keep MJ-2 functioning over the last 25 years

It would also appear that malfunctions were not limited to physical breakdowns. According to our contact the unit suffered from many behavioral issues.

“Oh geez, there was that whole “blanket” incident, and the device seemed to go nuts around young boys, no pun intended. It was very erratic from day one, but boy could it dance” stated our contact, now dubbed “Deep Shit”.

Reports indicate that the figure was built by George Lucas’ Industrial Light and Magic, the group that brought you such annoying creatures as Jar-Jar Binks, the Ewoks, and Carrot-Top.

“We had hoped to get another tour out of the MJ-2 but it just couldn’t hold up. It was a primitive model. While we still haven’t perfected the product, we have had much more success with our more recent productions like Amanda Lepore, Pamela Anderson, and Joan Rivers.“ stated Roger Guyett, of ILM. “We’re not sure if we’re going to be contracted to replace the MJ-2 with something more robust, but we have designs on the table. We could probably pull together a resurrection tour in late 2010.”

Other celebs replaced by ILM in recent years

Michael Jackson’s Autopsy Secrets Revealed!

Michael Jackson’s Autopsy Secrets Revealed!

Los Angeles, CA – Earlier today UCLA Hospital released this disturbing autopsy photo.  Information is now surfacing about the cause of Michael Jackson’s death.  The pop star  suffered from two herniated snarkles and several ruptured K2-nibblets.  According to inside sources, Farfalownus of the blow hole has not been ruled out at this time.  Seventeen contraindicated medications were found in Jackson’s system, including Valium, Xanax, Demerol, Vicodin, and Big Jug Extra malt liquor.  Although the amount of depressant-type medication discovered could easily prove fatal for humans, it was well within safe and legal limits for the inhabitants of Rigel Seven.   The Ambassador to Rigel Seven was unavailable for comment.  UCLA Hospital does not want to speculate any further about the cause of death at this time, but inside sources for the Daily Discord believe the cause of death may have been moon-walk-related (MWR).

Talk Awfully and Carry a Big Dick: The George W. Bush Story

The Bush legacy doesn’t end with My Pet Goat.  A new book, even longer and with more words, is hailed as the closest thing to a Bush triumph.

The former President admits it’s “on the long side, but is much better than that Oliver Stone book.”

Mr. Bush thought long and hard on the title for his autobiography. The struggle for a title tugged at the core of the Bush’s being, and the effort marks the beginning and the end of his actual contributions.

“I’m still not sure if I should have gone with Clearing Brush,” said the former President to our own Cokie McGrath.  Mr. Bush went on to say, “I like clearing brush.”

He then wandered off and started clearing brush. Somehow this reporter can’t help but think: “who pulled this man away from his golf, his baseball, and his brush clearing escapades? And can charges still be pressed against those individuals?”

Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often.  My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.

Wayne LeRoy

Garfield, NJ

Dear Wayne,

Good riddance to the bitch.  See?  You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken.  Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything!  Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.

The Ghetto Shaman

The Good Opinions of Others

For Lent I gave up fast food, and ejaculating, of course.

I haven’t slept in days, but I meditate. The energy builds and circulates throughout my entire body. I then walk to the park to practice T’ai Chi Ch’uan while the energy spirals up my spine.

I wander to Washington Boulevard and cut through the alley without purpose or destination.  I have no money; my psyche hangs on one theme: women.

Identity dissolves as hidden shadow-self resolves; the nervous system evolves to tune into the frequencies beyond the social games.

Maslow suggested that a self-actualized individual had no concern for the good opinions of others. The real test of this self-actualization would be to spend a long period of time inside a classy establishment without any money.

“I’ll have another water, please.”

The feeling of shame often presses upon the terminally broke (TB), that is, those without deodorant, mouthwash, social skills, and those who have no desire to hold in their gut wrenching farts (GWFs). But we still crave cultural happenings, or at least the well ventilated ones.

I count my quarters, dimes, nickels, and even pennies ($4.34). Money is time. This will buy me one pint at the brewpub. That should last me 45 minutes, depending on how warm I’m willing to tolerate my beer. I could buy a coffee with refills at the coffee shop. That would last until it closes at ten o’clock. I wander to the library. Maybe I can create a community hot spot that’s both cool and free, maybe even this time without police involvement.

Enlightened individuals will never concern themselves with the good opinions of others (god, I hope people like this article). This is a crucial realization and necessary for the dynamic cultural experiences that we wish to stimulate (mmmm, stimulate).  Neither do the degenerates concern themselves with the good opinions of others. After all, social establishments have certain etiquette and rules. What’s the difference between an enlightened individual and a degenerate? The enlightened have transcended social etiquette, while the degenerates have brazenly dismantled it.

At Starbucks, five sophisticated sounding women discuss ‘sexual politics’ and Hillary Clinton. Another group enters, a young red-head accompanied by her elderly parents. I sink into the soft sofa and stare at the young woman’s breasts. I feel her family’s discomfort but my wild hunger consumes concerns of polite restraints.

“You’re so rude,” the women says.

Rude?  Mwaah? I’m a poet of the highest order. I’m a prophet preacher from another planet.  I’m Rick James, bitch!

Too much realization is more than most people can socially endure.

The subconscious psychic masses gang-up against the outsider deemed weird, wrong, or inappropriate. Free-range farting at church (FRFAC) brings with it social shame that the group presses upon us.  In order for the shame to be effective, the individual must accept the social contract. Shame is NOT merely an internally generated phenomenon. Others must convince a person to accept shame. It’s a heavily conditioned socialized agreement. Some people refuse to play this game. These people are called ‘rude.’

Some anti-social activity is so controversial that laws are passed and physical force is used to restrain and punish people who break these laws.   Sex with minors, illegal drug use, and public drunkenness, or the Friday night special, as I call it, are all examples of social behaviors for which an individual will be prosecuted.

Not all outcasts drift beyond the law. During its formation, Christianity cast out Gnostics for their heretical interpretations, those tit staring freaks.  It could be argued that the very roots of Christianity are repressed and trapped inside the prison of literalistic dogma.

There is social tension inflicted upon those who have no reference point of identity in social situations. For example, standing alone in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring discomfort, believe me. Standing alone naked in the middle of a crowded restaurant can bring even more discomfort, believe me.

That man was staring at my tits, officer!  They never take my side, ever.

I’m destined to unite individual enlightenment with cultural dynamics. In our age of scientism and materialism, we outcastes rebel beyond the mainstream, scientific, fact-finding, fatalistic deconstruction of the cosmos. Shadow assumptions of purposeless poison the veins of genetics, psychiatry, and medicine.

The direct experience of the blinding ‘One Mind’ blows the top off any coffee shop, bar, or strip club.  Me? I like blowing the tops off at strip clubs.  I’m looking for that coffee shop that serves psilocybin smoothies and acid-cool-aid spritzers with an atmosphere like the first scene from Clockwork Orange.

I know that women sometimes feel uncomfortable when I stare, but it sure beats my more violent rendition of “Singing in the Rain”.

Colin Wilson tells us the promise of sex is never fulfilled by the act of sex itself.

Ken Wilber said that, “Nobody can ever get enough of what they really don’t want.”

And Jim Blob said, “I’m celibate by choice.”

Sex is but a tool for charging, expanding, and exploding into higher frequencies of love, joy, and ecstasy.

For six weeks I’ve retained my semen, boiling her basal juices into pure energy blowing my mind and soul into the higher spheres.

I’ve now been psychically barred from every social establishment in town, every establishment, that is, except Dunkin’ Donuts.

I guess it’s that time, time to start eating my last few mushrooms.

“I’ll have two chocolate donuts and a flying unicorn, please.”

Mick Zano Detained After Slim Jim Factory Explosion

Phoenix, AZ – The Daily Discord’s own Mick Zano was interrogated shortly after the explosion, in Garner, NC, of a Slim Jim Jerky Plant.  Mr. Zano became a ‘person of interest’ after one of his recent articles eerily foreshadowed events on June 8th at ConAgra foods.  Zano claims his condemnation of all jerky products only days before the massive explosion was merely “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Zano went on to say, “Think about it, if somebody doesn’t like abortion clinics, they wouldn’t go around blowing them up.”

No one has seen or heard from Mr. Zano since that last statement and rightly so.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is on the record as stating, “I will do everything in my power to see that Mick receives a fair execution.”

As much as Winslow finds Zano “morally reprehensible,” the prospect of promoting the Crank to head comedy writer fills him with an even deeper dread.  Furthermore, Mr. Winslow denies allegations that he has contacted the Jerky Boys for legal counsel.

Some Important Feedback from the Holy Land

Dear Daily Discord:

My name is Muhammad Al’ Hussein, Sharia High Cleric, Cleveland, Ohio.  Today I read your Zionist propaganda, Newly Discovered Seuss Manuscripts Are Troubling.  This is more than troubling! In fact, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your infidel armpits!  Dr. Seuss converted to Sharia, and his true name became Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss (under pain of death).  These books you list are forbidden under Sharia law.  They give Sharia childs bad thoughts, not unlike your American sitcoms.  Your Zionist Conspiracy ideas is why true believers hate the Great Satan (aka, parts of Akron).  Go to local Sharia Library and read Sharia-Approved Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss childs books:

Top Ten Sharia-Approved Dr. Al JeSeuss Books

  1. Mr. Brown can Mujahideen! (Can you?)
  2. The Lion in Zion
  3. Oh, The Places You Cannot Go!
  4. Horton Hatches a Jihad!
  5. Daisy Beheaded Mayzie
  6. There’s a Saudi in my Audi
  7. Shop with Pop (or a Thousand Lashes)
  8. The 500 Burkhas of Basheera Mohammad
  9. Rocks in Locks (The Complete Sharia Stoning Book: scratch and sniff edition)
  10. Sharia Mariah!  The Twatva I Should Fatwah!

These books are good Sharia books all written under close supervision of respected Sharia Clerics.  Dr. Seuss’ name became Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss after he insulted the prophet Muhammad in his Zionist book The Lorax.  I can assure you this Lorax does not speak for the trees, or the Suni’s, or the Shiites.  Let us never speak of him again, or may Allah rip out your spleen and feed it to a mountain goat.

This reminds me of a childhood game when one group of playmates would all circle around a second group and say, “Glory be to thee, Allah.”

To which the inner circle would perform the ablution and recite aqama in all its glory.

Then, amidst this inexplicable connection with the great mystery, we would stone the shit of our friends in the middle, such fun.  It brings me back, back to a very primitive emergency room.

And if you continue your Zionist reporting, don’t forget that Mr. Brown can Mujahideen!

Muhammad Al’ Hussein

High Cleric

International Sharia Law Allah Mosque (FAS: Fuck Akron Society)

Cleveland, OH

Specially Processed Swine Food Sparks Global Spamdemic?

San Diego, CA – During a conference on Universal Healthcare in San Diego earlier today, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Minute Mart, unveiled the above map. Created from over fifty cans of SPAM, the map is a cryptic warning of things to come.

“This is what our planet is going to look like by 2014!” shouted Hogbien to a stunned crowd of healthcare professionals.

Among a list of wild assertions, Hogbien insists that Spam is to blame for the current global pandemic. Witnesses report the aged archeologist belted out Monty Python’s Spam song as he was hauled away by hotel security.  The Obama Administration has not released any statement on the matter. CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is calling for a boycott of all Spam related products, “just in case.”  When asked about his life-sized Spam sculpture fountain that typically adorns the annual employee picnic, Winslow became highly agitated.  He started reciting excerpts of Churchill’s speech and then stapled his tie to his forehead.  President Obama has failed to comment on that too.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently paid Pay Pal for one of your on-line ‘classes’ on Long Distance Healing.  I am physically very ill and money is tight.  To pay you over a hundred dollars, that I didn’t have, just to tell me to switch from Alltel to Verizon?!  There are peoples’ lives at stake here, you low life, bastard!

Phil Bower

Gilroy, CA

Dear Phil,

Don’t speak. I know just what you’re saying so please stop explaining. Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

…Really, dude, just shut the hell up.  The family plan on Verizon is much cheaper than the one you use.  You could use that savings to drink yourself to death.  Just a thought.

The Ghetto Shaman

Discord Designates Cheney Enemy Combatant

Mick Zano

Washington, DC – Sometimes when you dismantle the rule of law and then give up the One Ring to another group, problems arise.  This is the case for former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Rooting for another attack against the homeland can easily find Cheney on the darkside of his own brand of politique. Our CIA director, Leon ‘Death Squad’ Panetta, feels that Dick Cheney wants to see another attack on the US, probably to assure that we stay sufficiently afraid, vigilant, and demented.

Panetta’s quote: “It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point.”

It is hard to take advantage of lawlessness, but, in this case, what the hell? Based on this flimsy evidence, but clearly enough proof under Bush Law, the Daily Discord has decided to charge Cheney’s own secret death squads to bring the aged douchebag into custody.  Since he can easily be deemed an enemy combatant at this point, he is no longer available for legal council.  He will be picked up on US soil in the middle of the night, detained without due process, and shipped to Syria for some good old fashioned torture.  He will then be sent back to Gitmo for some good old fashioned nuanced torture: walling, stress positions, forced nudity, cold confinement, and waterboarding.  Er…in his case the prison guards have requested we go a little easy on the forced nudity.

Who knew that dismantling the rule of law could be so much fun?

Cheney is not alone.  There remains a disturbing ideology in this country.  Many real Americans, the twenty percent still locked into the neo-conservative bubble of non-reality, have made the easy transition to enemies of the state.  And here they said it was me.  They coroneted a king (which I tried to say at the time was a bad idea) and now they want to succeed when the next king is not to their liking.  If they haven’t reached the height of stupidity, they’re certainly scratching at stupidity’s whiskers.  The neo-cocoon was much more comfortable with Bush. You know, when the Constitution and the economy were being obliterated?  Sure Obama is following Cheney’s lead.  Halliburton?  Wuss. Obama’s going to purchase the automotive industry outright and all of our banks to boot (even the two solvent ones).  You should be excited about this. Obama is showing some testicular fortitude, the kind of stuff that makes real Americans start singing the National Anthem. 

This neo-cocoon disconnect remains a viable obstacle.  Reason has no place in the discourse (kind of like the libertards).

During a recent discussion with the Crank, I said, “Remember when Ron Paul relayed to the Republican Convention the reasons why Al-Qaeda attacked us and he was booed?  I can’t believe Guiliani didn’t even know any of the reasons Al-Qaeda attacked on 9/11. After all, it was his city that was attacked.”

The Crank said, “I don’t give a shit; they murdered three thousand people. Who cares about anything else?” 

You know what happens when you don’t care, don’t know, and don’t do your homework?  YOU INVADE THE WRONG COUNTRY!  But thanks for summarizing the Bush mindset in one extraordinarily short-sighted sentence.

Anger is boiling over for many staunch conservatives and there rhetoric, like Cheney’s, is disturbing. If you really hate Obama and his version of expanded executive power, then be a real American.  If you are rooting against America then take your own advice from a few short months ago.  You remember, right? When the shoe was on the other foot? Email cheneydeathsquads.com and turn yourself in.  Or, drive to your local law enforcement agency and ask for a one way ticket to Gitmo.  We’ll keep Gitmo open long enough to waterboard your sorry ass, because, it’s the right thing to do.

Here are some predictions: as aforementioned, we are heading toward an incredibly difficult period for the United States, which, when it ends, a multi-polar system will emerge (not just one superpower).  We will be struggling for many years economically, and foreign policy is going to become increasingly sucky as everything comes to a head.  Unless, of course, the Mayans are right and we go back to the Stone Age.  Now if Obama legalizes pot, which he just might, we can go back to the Stoned Age, which sounds preferable.

Furthermore, Obama will do very well with Israel and Palestine.  He is a shrewd customer and wants to appear neutral. The fully-on-Israel’s side thing has really been fun, but it doesn’t work horribly well if you want to mediate something.  Obama will skillfully handle a lot of the difficulties to come.  We have moved from a checker player to a chess player.  Of course, Obama is starting with no queen or knights, and the last rook is up to its own turret in Chinese debt, but it still should be fun to watch (from a distance, say, Mars).  He will play our last hand well, but make no mistake, it is our last hand.  And, no, that is not his fault.  So don’t get too rapped up in the particulars.  It’s all down hill from here, folks, but look on the bright side.  (See next article for the bright side, I’m going to need some time on that front.)

Archeologist Ignores Disembodied Call of Subterranean Old Ones

Arkham, MA – When a mysterious summons ebbed from a newly formed fissure in the Earth’s crust, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Boutique, decided, in his own words, to “give it a miss”. The aged archeologist felt that climbing through the nethermost caverns to the ancient tomb of Yog-Sothoth in the heart of the deep-frozen city “just sounded like a bad idea.”  Hogbein asserts that the huge sinkhole formed in his backyard shortly after poring over a grimoire known only as the Necronomicon.  A tentacled god-like beast from unknown Kadath then psychically reached across the void and asked Hogbien if he wouldn’t mind tearing out his own throat and bringing him the ancient text, in no particular order. Hogbein reportedly apologized for any inconvenience, but denied the request on the grounds that he really needed to do some laundry and get to the bank that day. 

“I don’t know why anyone would wade down through the subterranean Black Lake of Ubboth when there are perfectly reasonable things to do around the house,” said Hogbien.  “Some people take this archeology thing a bit too far.” Although, to be polite, he did tell the monstrous inter-dimensional entity, “maybe next time.”

According to Hogbien the hole has since resealed itself.

When asked if he had any regrets about not climbing into what might have been the archeological discovery of a lifetime, Hogbien replied, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”

Very Dated Discord (the Cock Dilemma)

Dave Atsals

Cockfighting rings have been broken up in Phoenix Arizona, several of them since December.  The punishment, much like reading the Discord, is quick and severe.  Direct involvement can lead to a two year sentence, $150,000 fine, and decockmentation.  Just watching the cocks battle can lead to a $25,000 fine.  Fighting cocks is now illegal in all fifty states and is deemed by most (not including Michel Vick) to be socially incorrect in the modern age.

This has not always been the case.  In fact many prestigious figures in American History have been avid cockfighting enthusiasts.  Thomas Jefferson, while not pitching woo with indentured servants, was known to belly up to the cock pen.  George Washington liked to watch two cocks go at it. Andrew Jackson used to challenge his neighbors to match cocks.  Even Abraham ‘Cockcrazy’ Lincoln owned an entire flock of Gamecocks.  They all have their pictures on money, Washington is a favorite in my wallet.

Cock fights were an acceptable form of entertainment and sport, and nearly as popular as hockey is today (which isn’t that impressive).  The Bald Headed Eagle only beat out the cock by one vote to be are national bird.  I can picture our cock emblem flag flying proudly over government buildings and brothels.  “…and the cockets red glare…” (ouch).

These facts have led me to dig back through the ancient Daily Discord archives and search for articles relating to fighting cocks to see if any Discordians of old participated, or maybe even wrote with cock-feathered pens about the days of yore.  Apparently they did:

The Cock Dilemma

By Sir Wolfgang Atsals 1775

Horatio Zano and I keep putting it to the rest.  Benjamin Franklin has come with a potion he calls steroids from cow extract.  Horace and I have been quite effectively injecting our cocks with it (ouch).  Our monster cocks are just overwhelming all other participants. When Bald Cock Tony lets his tiny little cock out of the pen everyone laughs. Even that damn Irishman O’Tinno is in awe of our mighty cocks.  I whipped out a cock so big the other day a woman nearly fainted.    The problem is that although Horace and I have raked in a lot of silver lately, I feel the other competitors might bow out of the events.  Duel Wolfe is upset because his cock, although rarely used, has become limp and unable to participate.  Pete Winslow’s cock was killed, and Goober Crank’s cock would not even get back up into the cock ring. 

It brings into question the legitimacy of the “steroid question” and also that of money.  I do not feel we are cheating, but our cocks do have an advantage.  Our cocks are larger, very muscular, and generally more aggressive.  In the long run injecting our cocks may lead to the demise of the cockfighting ring, because the other competitors may drop out.  But, hey, better not to fight at all then to have your cock’s head bitten off.


Well there you have it; not only a past article on the topic but some very influential historians were involved in cockfighting as well as the Daily Discord.  It is hard to believe that cockfighting is being outlawed, but not the Discord.  Most past political icons certainly had a ball with their cocks.  George Bush, Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton, the Daily Discord Nation respectfully challenges you to show us your cocks.

Sadistic Cryptozoologist Found Plucking Feathers off of Rare Spotted Owl

Modesto, CA — At a local nature preserve a sadistic cryptozoologist, Dr. Derek Twinge, was found plucking the feathers off of a recently discovered spotted owl.  Since the bird’s rescue, park rangers have affectionately named the owl Athena (named after the Greek Goddess of owls.  Wikipedia down! Someone help!). The forty-seven year old cryptozoologist is said to have incessantly tortured the bird with a pair of forceps and several Baywatch episodes over the course of the last several years.

“It’s just fun…the torture, not the Baywatch episodes,” clarified Twinge.

Dr. Twinge faces seventeen counts of animal cruelty, most of which can be attributed to the particular Baywatch episodes in question.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Enlightenment seems such a mystery to me. The ego must be strong before it is destroyed? Striving for enlightenment is a barrier to enlightenment itself? There are so many ‘sound of one hand clapping’ type paradoxes that the main point keeps eluding me.

Dedra Farley

Tempe, AZ

Dear Dedra,

Very true, Dedra. At the heart of Zen are confounding paradoxes designed to help focus the mind. For example, to the untrained eye, even I myself may appear like an addicted amoral opportunistic, criminal-minded type, but in actuality, er……all right, bad example.

The Ghetto Shaman

McDOORIS: A Very Late Rebuttal Indeed

The Crank

Cell phones are the bane of society?  They will bring about the end of civilization as we know it? My ass. You are like the 300 lb.lady that came into the deli, telling the clerk (me) to make sure he leaves out the maraschino cherries on the rice pudding, as they have red #2 in them, all the while she’s puffing on a fucking camel.

This is what I told her: “Stupid fat bitch, I wouldn’t worry too much, if I wuz you. The smokes and weight will kill you long before the red # 2.”

I myself am an old fat ape, and even I know that as technology gets better, the world gets smaller, and time gets shorter. Through natural selection, I assume that in the near future, all humans will be type “A” personalities out of necessity. Why the FUCK would I get in my truck, and drive to wherever the fuck you are, get out, find you, and give you a message I could have given you in ten seconds over the phone? I wouldn’t, and neither would anyone else. Get used to it Pokester, or just take your place on the diorama in the Museum Of Natural History, next to the fucking Neanderthals.

Cell phones are like guns, there are idiots using them, and trained professionals. The idiots who text while driving will be cancelled out by natural selection, and possibly the large chrome grill on my Ram, if I’m lucky. And just like them, you too will take your place in the diorama of “died young of stupidity” if you don’t stop smoking. There is NO excuse. I was a smoker and it almost killed me. I was so hooked that when I tried to quit I was ready to kill. I eventually did quit, and just look at how laid back I am now, shithead. You are, I assume, a semi intelligent creature. You have to stop making excuses for your behavior.  Don’t be a Mickko.

My job would be near impossible without cell phones. So I shouldn’t use technology to increase my income while decreasing my use of fossil fuel? Brain dead? Uh, look in de mirror. There are people who look as if they might need surgery to separate them from their phones. If what you say about cancer is true, natural selection will take care of that too. I use mine for the relaying of messages, nothing more. Quick on and off, like my sex life.  I don’t have the time for idle bullshit. I’m sure that my weight will end my existence way before my cell phone does.  The only time cell phones are dangerous is when I shove them down maraschino avoiding, smoking, technophobic retards (hint, hint).

How about this gem from that article of yours: “As for me, I’ve had it with our age.  This technocratic society has reached a point of no return.  I’m done with TVs, cars, cell phones, iPods, internet bureaucracies, and this false Federal Government that promises to give us everything in exchange for our liberties. “ 

You sound like Mikko’s ilk, which is some real scary shit. Unabomber shit.

Oh yeah, and no more bastardized Joe Walsh lyrics, please. God will get you for that, or, better yet, I’ll make you a permanent chrome grill gnome.

Yours unruly