Unemployment Compensation for Dummies

Dave Atsals

Only in Pennsylvania, although I doubt it, can you break a state law when you’re working, be convicted, and still collect unemployment compensation if terminated for this transgression.  The unemployment office recently ruled that a company, who fired an employee for selling cigarettes to someone under the age of eighteen, had to pay their unemployment.  The employee in question was trained properly, knew the policy and the law, and still sold cigarettes to a minor (not the cave dwelling kind, though that should be against the law too, like they really need it…sorry).  Anyway, they not only committed this crime, but were caught in a government run sting operation, cited, plead guilty in court, and were later beheaded (first offense).

Officials also cited the store for the employee’s incompetence, or blatant disregard for the law.  For this infraction, the un-employment board rewarded this individual unemployment compensation for losing their job.

For all of you dope-selling welfare-loving hippie-peeps seeking the services of Thai Hookers, or checking out the dailydiscord.com on company time, don’t be dismayed.  Get cited, get convicted, get fired, and get unemployment compensation today.

Please note: this was under the George W. Bush era.  Under the new Obama program, you no longer need to be cited and convicted, just fired.  Next you will not need to be fired, just tired of going to work every day.

Ohhh, if you’ll excuse me, some sixteen year old girls are trying to buy some Snicker bars…I think a pack of Marlboros on the house is in order.

Obama Refuses to Dismantle Bush’s All Seeing Eye

Washington, DC—President Obama told reporters this Tuesday, “The eye stays put.”  Obama insists his decision to keep the All Seeing Eye, currently mounted atop the Washington Monument, is not an attempt to maintain Bush-like levels of executive power.  The President adamantly denied allegations that the office has changed him.  He went on to dodge questions about using fear to push policy, his continued use of earmarks and signing statements, as well as his complete refusal to investigate the previous administration on any front.  President Obama then assured the press that he would only send armies of orcs and goblins to get the “bad guys who mean us harm.”  The change in the President’s demeanor has drawn harsh criticism from both Democrats and Republicans alike.  Some fear Obama may be unwilling to hurl the One Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom at the end of his term.  Obama received the One Ring only after it was bitten from, then Vice President, Dick Cheney’s finger by Rahm Emmanuel on Inauguration Day.

Obama’s Hate Speech

Mick Zano

Burbank, CA—President Obama made a very off color reference on the Tonight Show the other evening, so he must hate the developmentally disabled, right?  Granted, when I was thirteen, I named my bowling team Jerry’s Kids, but I’m not president, OK, so lay off.  Sometimes a gaffe is a gaffe is a gaffe, people.  He apologized, get over it.  On the other hand, our illustrious leader got a taste of his own medicine, didn’t he?  As a counselor, I support the Recovery Model (not Brittany Spears), which promotes mutual respect and empowerment.  However, there is no balance in this model for the army of ‘bloody do-gooders’ roaming our streets.  Many liberals promote a gross overemphasis on ‘right language.’ Why did soooo much of my masters coursework involve proper language?  The only time I lost points on papers was when I called someone an ‘addict’ instead of an ‘opiate-dependent person’, or a ‘client’ instead of a ‘consumer’, or a ‘coon’ instead of a ‘porch monkey.’  Oops, gaffe alert (don’t worry the ‘editor overseers’ will get that one).  Understanding the material seemed secondary to my profs.  All perspectives are valid and equal.  Sure, he doesn’t know the difference between an opiate and a benzodiazepine, but he didn’t offend the person he’s overmedicating, so here’s your script pad, Dr. Jimmy.  Now go out there and meet some drug reps.    

These ‘nice police’ are part of what Wilber and McDooris keep referring to as the shadow side of green.  During my graduate studies, those ivory tower academiacs (ITAs) culturally sensitized me to the point of absurdity (which really shows in my writing).   

In the long run such politeness policies are incredibly important, because without anyone pursuing real subjects, like math and science, we are all going to need to be super nice, and super culturally sensitive, to our new Chinese overlords. 

Here are two fairly recent examples of how, time and time again, we cut off our nose despite our face:  one year ago, a coworker of mine became incensed at a doctor from the community for his language faux pas.  The incensed woman was our agency’s strongest proponent of the recovery model.  An integralist might have said after the meeting, “Ah hey, Doc, we call coons porch-monkeys now and this is why.”  Instead, the language lady, freaked out, became quite rude, and managed to derail the meeting’s community-oriented agenda.  Example two: a fight broke out at a local AA meeting, because the person who started the meeting used the NA (narcotics anonymous) wording of the serenity prayer. I can’t make this stuff up.  Well I could, but in this case I didn’t.  Yes, the headline in the Discord would have read: Brawl Ensues Over Serenity Prayer Variation

People who are not racists and who are not children can: A.) take a joke and B.) actually enjoy a good yuk yuk at their own expense.  But should we purposely offend?  I only offend when it’s funny to do so.  I am simply following my Muse into whatever dark alley she leads me (then I do things to her). 

What happened to Obama on the Tonight Show is apropos.  Back on the campaign trail, Obama called Imus’ gaffe “hate speech.”  Obama was referring to a misfired joke from—not a president—but a curmudgeon of an old shock jock who admittedly is ‘not prejudice, but hates everybody.’ Or, more accurately ‘makes fun of everybody.’

A myriad of psychology classes have taught me one thing, those cultural crusaders who devote their lives to minor social injustices invariably have their own related issues. I’m talking to you O’Rielly. You wear your level of consciousness on your sleeve, sir.  The same sleeve you drool on during every racy segment on how teenage girls shouldn’t dress like that! Could you role the clip again during the commercial break, please, and hand me some Kleenex? 

Maybe now President Obama will show some perspective on our First Amendment rights. Humor is incredibly important.  Free speech is incredibly important.  Otherwise you are not transcending but rather descending toward, well, the best contemporary example is certain aspects of Muslim extremism…you know, when people die over cartoons. You don’t win hearts and minds by legislating morality.  For the moment, our prez talks to the people of this country, man to rock star, which is a pleasant change from the My Pet Gloat guy.  But, if we follow Obama’s ‘right language’ minions, soon he will never leave his teleprompter.  So which is going to be, the occasional off color reference or our first amendment rights?  Well?  What’s it going to be you dope-fiending wet backs!   Oh, sorry, I mean opiate-dependent immigrant-Americans. 

City Plans Several Soup-Kitchen Practice Runs

Baltimore, MD—Maryland is taking a proactive stance in preparing its’ citizens for what officials are calling Project Penniless Yuppie (PPY). In accordance with MD law, the city is holding several soup-kitchen practice runs for those middle-class Americans unfamiliar with soup-line etiquette. This somewhat extreme measure is only a precaution meant to aid individuals on the outside chance that some of Obama’s completely idiotic economic policies don’t work. Local flyers encourage participants to use Blackberries, cell phones, DSs, PSPs, Gameboys, and other handheld devices to pass the time during the average 6-8 hour wait for a bowl of soup (usually carrot, sometimes carrot plus). If and when you can no longer afford batteries for these devices, the flyer suggests some of the old standbys: talking, hopscotch, hacky sac, and random sex acts with the person in front of you. Historically, random sex acts are helpful endeavors for both the participants as well as those standing nearby.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t understand the Chakra system.  Wasn’t Chakra just that monkey boy from the Land of the Lost?  Or is there more to it?

Sammy Vimes

Seattle, WA

Dear Sammy,

Yes and No. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Institutional Inhibitors to National Development (Besides the Discord)

  1. Quantified Social Praise – I don’t care about your grades, just keep learning from everybody and everything. The world is filled with stupid straight-A bureaucrats and Magna Cum Lessas.  You may know them better as our CEOs and our government officials. 
  2. Bottle Feeding – a tit is always better than plastic unless the plastic supports the betterment of the tit.
  3. Anti-Evolutional Academic Sequencing (AEAS) – Have sex with them if you must, but don’t force our kids to judge their social identity on academics.  Especially if the child is not developmentally prepared for success.  And, for god’s sake, use a condom. 
  4. Homework – I just spent all day listening to your boring textbook crap, I filled out your worksheets, and helped you justify your state mandates. Now you’re gonna impose upon my free time? Show me the study, otherwise…teacher, leave them kids alone.  And, for god’s sake, use a condom.
  5. Cell Phones – cell phones are directly linked to brain cancer but, on the bright side, at least there’s no proven a link between brain cancer and developmental disruptions…right?  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!
  6. Failed Abortions – well, abortion technologies promise to bolster success rates.  Shall I pop the champagne, dear?
  7. Electronic Entertainment – distractions from a meaningful life dulled into neurological and unimaginative mush (besides the Discord).   Let’s go down to the corner pub and talk on our cell phones, play on our laptops, while watching The Simpsons.  I’m talking to YOU, Zano!

The Daily Discord’s Top 10 Survival Guide

  1. Continue to procreate, you may need to eat your young
  2. Watch Survivor Man and remember which bugs are edible
  3. Start planting food now, like lasagna trees (are Hot Pockets annual or perennial?)
  4. Increase offspring’s chances for survival by naming them Mad Max, John Connor, or Roland of Gilead
  5. Bang rocks together (this won’t help, but it may drive away your annoying neighbors)
  6. Remember, all you need is love (and canned goods)
  7. Rent every Gilligan’s Island episode from Netflix and take notes
  8. Stockpile your cash (it may come in handy as kindling)
  9. Learn how to make his and hers loincloths from soup labels
  10. Read Raping and Pillaging for Dummies (important: do not implement before police force is disbanded)

DON’T CALL ME I’LL CALL YOU

Propaganda bombards us from every angle of the media, but there is one piece of propaganda overlooked by everyone. The cell phone has become instituted as THE medium for communication in the post-modern age.  I’m talking about how the cell phone is good and even necessary for human interaction.  Everybody has one.  They’re in the bars, on the buses, in the parks, and even in the hands of our children.  We’ve bought them hook, line, and ringer.  We’re merrily chit-chatting in our own little worlds while remaining oblivious to the real consequences.

Fact—there is a direct link between cell phone use and brain cancer.  Studies find that a person who uses a cell phone for ten years has a fifty percent increased risk of brain cancer.  Fact—cell phone use is addictive.  The only true piece of rhetoric that cell phonies state is “once you try one, you’ll never go back.”  That’s the same thing a junkie once told me about heroin, and Mick Zano about Thai Hookers, and Dave Atsals about hookers on heroin.

We conscientious communicators do encounter a dilemma.  Today, any other telephone is obsolete.  It’s like trying to get my eight-track music mix to work at an iPod party.  The old school phones now charge me long distance to call a cell phony standing across the street if his area code doesn’t match mine.  Oh, you’re 212, honey? Call me when you’re 516.  And just try to find a working pay phone these days.  My Morse Code, semaphore, and smoke signals are increasingly ignored.

“Breaker one nine, Zano.  Where’s the End of the Year Party this year, over?”

So I either submit to these brain-numbing technologies or else I’m out of loop.  Let me tell you what; you can take your loop and shove it up your iPod.

As one who has had the wisdom and forbearance to abstain from the cell phone tyranny, I can objectively report my findings—cell phones make people dumb…well, maybe it’s just that dumb people tend to use cell phones.  I noticed so many stupid people around. Double dumb, Dave Atsals carries two cell phones at all times.  He’s a regular Text Ritter. So I guess that’s one good thing cell phones offer; they bring stupidity out of the closet.  Oh yeah, they’re out of the closet all right, and now they’re talking loud on the bus about their chronic constipation and the latest episode of Survivor.

I’ll be fair. Cell phones do bring some benefits.  They improve social popularity (among brain dead people); they allow mediocre people to feel important without having to develop substantial qualities.  Cell phones enhance your financial opportunities by beating us slow Pokeys to the punch.  Oh, and let’s not forget that cell phones also provide easy distractions from potentially uncomfortable and introspective moments.  At any time of day, people of all ages now have the ability to shelter themselves from what’s occurring right in front of them.  Finally, humanity has the chance to create a completely calm and complacent society. The benefits will allow people to avoid the stressful realization that their Federal Government has ransacked the treasury and is in the process of creating a social tyranny of which our children and grandchildren will never recover.  Don’t worry, be chatty.

It’s time to make a stand.  Throw those cancer machines in the trash and talk to me face to face—if you’ve got the guts.  By the way, what gives you the right to ban me from smoking in public while you’re allowed to take your cell phone anywhere?  I’ll tell you what gives you the right—your lack of logic and your comfort with hypocrisy.  I demand that a study be done on the effects of second hand cell phone radiation.

As for me, I’ve had it with our age.  This technocratic society has reached a point of no return.  I’m done with TVs, cars, cell phones, iPods, internet bureaucracies, and this false Federal Government that promises to give us everything in exchange for our liberties. 

I write for the Discord, a funny website.  Ain’t never been there, they tell me it’s nice.

I’m slipping through the cracks of this preprogrammed dictatorship for good.  I’m heading for some new Verizons, people, so DON’T CALL ME, I’LL CALL YOU.

Dems Confused Why Billions of Imaginary Dollars Not Helping Economy

Washinton, DC — A confused Barak Obama addressed the press this Tuesday on the country’s continued economic woes.

“We printed more cash.  In fact, we printed a shitload more cash. Why on God’s green Earth it hasn’t helped is beyond me.”

President Obama intends to ‘stay the course’ with regards to his economic strategies and enthusiastically unveiled his ‘Build More Printers’ initiative.  Obama believes by doubling the number of existing Federal Reserve printers, we can stop the country’s financial bleeding.

“If more meaningless money isn’t enough,” states Obama, “then it’s time to really crank out the fundage.”

To the Obama Administration’s credit, the plan is gaining some modest support amongst the economically clueless. 

Integral Men Are Real Men: Cranken Revisited

Mick Zano

Real men are integral men.  Meditation increases blood flow to the brain, thickens the cerebral cortex, boosts immunity, lessens stress, promotes better sex, and promotes better everything, frankly.  In response to your ‘tribute to Cheney’ article, and other slams on yours truly, the John Wayne’s of the world have had their time.  Whereas I can commiserate with your touch of nostalgia; Bush’s cowboy brand of justice is out of style.  That is not to say aspects of this perspective aren’t sometimes necessary, but the people you champion consistently place personalities before principles (very consistently).

Begrudgingly I admit my own error on Sept 12th, 2001 when I said under my breath, “I’m glad a Republican is in office.”

See, I am fallible. I knew, even then, that aspects of green (liberal pluralism) would not work horribly well against red (tribalism) and amber (fundamentalism).  Al Gore may well have hid under his desk, as my mother-in-law asserts.  Who knows?  Regardless, we must elect government officials who function higher along the consciousness spectrum, if we hope to survive as a country.

Bush and Cheney championed a level of consciousness popular in a pre-modern world, and we’ve seen how effective a John Wayne-esque hero performs amidst a flattening/shrinking global community.  George Bush played John Wayne for eight years, which would have been fine circa 1800-1808, but he tried it in 2000-2008.  All-or-none thinking has no place at the top tier of the U.S. government.  There are more choices than war/appeasement, good guy/bad guy, or friend/enemy.  If you can not see shades of grey, fine, but do the world a favor and stay out of public office.

As for finances, my 401K speaks for itself; it says, “cash me in and by an imported keg.”

As for safety, forgive some of us for having reached the point when we feel that our own safety is not worth the cost of millions of other “outsiders.”   In a flat world we will never be secure with short-sighted policies.  In fact, we will never be safe as long as we are mind numbingly self-serving.  Your view champions a brand of economic exploitation and cruelty that have followed us through human history since the late Cambrian Trilobite uprising. I believe Hiraldo covered that.

With some skill, luck, and a more integral approach to these issues, America can navigate these rough waters.  Ever since McCarthyism, when the fear of nuclear annihilation hijacked the zeitgeist, our government has suffered from what eastern thought designates as samara, which can be summed up as greed, hatred, and delusion.  This can most easily be applied to gentleman Dick: greed (Haliburton), hatred (torture policies), and delusion (we’re making America safe). In my view, integral leadership will embrace human dignity, mutual respect, and mutual interest.  You will increasingly here these concepts as we move forward into the new millennia.  Unless, of course, one of your peeps gets the nod, in which case it’s naked pyramid time (NPT).

“Go away?  Get over it?”  Goomis, Goomis. Whenever we think the basement has been reached new evidence is revealed.

In a recent Washington Post article, Karen DeYoung and Peter Finn asserted: “The previous administration a) tortured detainees, making it harder to prosecute dangerous terrorists; b) released bad guys while detaining good guys; and c) neglected to keep comprehensive files on possible terrorists who’ve been in U.S. custody for several years.”

Even if you support a more empire-esque approach to battling the heathens, how is this helping?   In an attempt to head you off at the all-or-none pass—no, everyone against torture is not against interrogations of any kind. Nor do we all believe that detainees should all be released with a nice fruit basket and an apology letter.  There are ways to keep us safe without losing who we are or the rule of law.

Channel 4 News (BBC) two weeks ago broke the story how the Bush Administration threatened the British Government if allocations of torture were made public in the case of British detainee Binyam Mohamed (then part of Bush’s top secret: Operation Scrotal Electrode). The U.S. State Department warned that any release of torture evidence during the trial would “result in serious damage to US national security and could harm intelligence information sharing arrangements between our two governments.” Bush and Co. were quite willing to give up intelligence gathering with our staunchest ally, further endangering our troops as well as homeland security, to cover for their own war crimes.  Your ‘heroes’ went on to say the release of any torture allegation in court might cause “serious and lasting damage to the US-UK intelligence sharing relationship, and thus the national security of the UK.”

Real men are apparently traitors.  I think profiting off of the death of U.S. soldiers is treasoness as well, but at this point who’s counting? Oh yeah…ME!

On a side note, I have consistently asserted that Tony Blair will be the only one to remain silent.  Blair probably despises Bush more than anyone, but his legacy is too intertwined with Bush’s to ever come clean. I pity him. He was far, far shrewder than Bush ever was, and he deserved better.

The crime is Bush, and the cover up is Hannity.  My self-righteous ire stems from Hannity’s miserable and futile attempt to rewrite history.  Bush will forever wallow in the bottom tier of American presidents and only if no other shred of damnable data emerges (not bloody likely).  Bush and his minions will likely sink to the level of ‘worst ever.’   People who think his legacy is salvageable are dead wrong, as they have been wrong all along about nearly everything.

Your point about my self-righteous ventings is well taken. After all, human bravery starts with self-knowledge and each challenge must be shifted into the bodhi (sorry, another vocab word).  Appointing blame has little to do with an integral practice.  Essentially you are right with your mirror analogy.  Bush is a reflection, but not of me.  He is the reflection of a sick collective, fraught with fear, addictions, and psychotropic medications.  Instead of damning or championing these events, we should be shifting toward common support for this new administration to better align ourselves with the Tibetan’s pawo, the Toltec’s warrior’s path, or the Ghetto Shaman’s Naked Midget Reiki.

You stated in your article, “I don’t like anything I see.”

Er…while you were still cheering on the ‘War on Error’ that was my position in 2002. Welcome aboard the S.S. Disillusioned (better late than never).

You are afraid of the do-gooders of the world and any projects designed to correct problems on a governmental level, yet you didn’t support Ron Paul?  If you recall, he was my pick for the Republican ticket.  Over the last eight years Republicans ditched fiscal responsibility and small government and then, the moment the Dems get in, it’s “oooh, oooh, there they are under the table.”

You backed the fascist and now you are lecturing others on fascism?  Yes, the liberal media sucks, but why do you still support the Washington Talking Points Network?  The Discord’s Integral Media segments have rated both Republicans and Democrats harshly.

You should fear the libetards but don’t fear integral leadership.  Ultimately, whereas your version of leadership will affect me quite negatively, my version of leadership will not affect you, well, not negatively anyway.  You can go on to rant in your columns.  Unfortunately champions of your level will impose their own level onto others.

Since this is ‘world gone wild’ time, and, sadly, I’m not talking about perky spring breakers; it’s time to meditate or medicate.  There are fewer and fewer choices in between these days as we become a psychotropic nation.

Alas, trying to convince the Bin Ladens of the world that blowing up innocents is not what Allah had in mind, or trying to convince the Pat Robertsons of the world that there are many ways to enlightenment, or trying to convince the Bill Kristols of the world that a free market is not the only God, well, as Ken Wilber asserts, there are better ways to spend a Saturday night.

DNA Reveals Santa Slayer Actually Just Santa’s Helper

Covina, CA — DNA results now prove the Santa Gunman, responsible for killing nine people and injuring three others on December 25th, is not the real McCoy. Sometimes Santa Claus goes on a killing spree, but sometimes, just sometimes, he hires a Blackwater-like group of mercenaries to do his Yule-time slaying.

“It is a sad day at the North Pole when Santa Claus has to outsource his hits,” says a former consultant to the Kringle family.

The disgruntled elf is very disappointed with his former boss’ behavior.

“Granted, the naughty list is getting longer, but if the fat bastard feels strongly enough about homicide, he should do it himself.”

Fat Bastard, annoyed by the comment, is suing the elf for slander.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are obviously a gifted writer, but what was your first book ever?  I want to hear more about your early period.  You know, when you were a struggling artist trying to find yourself.  What was the motivation behind your urge to become a shaman?

Lance Parker

Troy, NY

Dear Lance,

My interest in healing came from a divine hormonal calling, which began with a vision of that chick from Weird Science in a Catwoman costume.  My first book captures the true essence of my desire for self-mastery: What is Enlightenment and Will It Get Me Laid?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

A Stimulating Conversation with Fox: I Got Your Package Right Here

Mick Zano

This is going to be a catastrophe!

— Dick Morris

“Going to be”?  Three weeks ago the global market came a hair’s length away from completely collapsing.  The only thing keeping it alive is imaginary money.  I repeat, “going to be”?

— Mick Zano

Obama’s gloom and doom is not helping the market!

— Sean Hannity

Oh, that’s right; you’re supposed to lie your ass off to the twenty-percent of the population stupid enough to still believe your bullshit.

— Mick Zano

We could face a global meltdown that we’ve never seen the likes of!

— Stephen Moore

Ya, think?  Hey Wall Street guy, apparently that gloom and doom stuff isn’t helping.                                                                                      

— Mick Zano

I’m actually hoping that nothing cataclysmic happens to force them to do more bad things. 

— Rick Santorum (You heard right)

“More bad things”?  Obama hasn’t had time to do a list of bad things.  What he has done hasn’t had time to work or not work.  He just got here, but, if memory serves, you’re the guy that had eight years.

— Mick Zano

These quotes, minus mine, all occurred on Fox News 2/23/09 over the course of about twenty-five minutes (end of Hannity beginning of Van Susteren).  The folks at Fox are hedging their bets in the hopes that voting against our last ditch effort, which again, only has about a 15 percent chance of working, will help them in their road-warrior-wasteland-election to come.  Good luck with that.

All of the House Republicans just happened to vote ‘no’ on this stimulus package to kick off Operation Plausible Deniability, but I wonder which obstructionist is now getting the talking points over to Fox?  The propaganda used to be disseminated in an orderly fashion directly from the White House.  Hmmmm.

Remember, this is the same bunch that gladly brought us “Uhhh, where the hell did the last $700 billion go?”

Now they’re ALL getting a little queasy with Package, Part Deux.  Fox’s stance is, of course, painfully predictable, but I really thought they’d wait at least a few more months before blaming it all on Obama. They continue to have no respect for their listening audience.  Four weeks ago our debt was not the issue, there was nothing to see here, just please keep buying more shit, and ignore the man behind the curtain (he’s trying to reread My Pet Goat, shhh!).  The last gazillion dollars is not the problem, it’s this gazillion dollars…you know, the batch with the big (D) next to it.  Now the sky is falling.  Now the so-called fiscally conservative amongst us are suddenly questioning big spending and big deficits. Questioning that was strangely absent for the last eight-years.  Now they have seen the light.  The regular Fox watchers, that I know, all believed the economy would turn around in few months.  This was but some passing clouds.  Now, a few weeks later, under new management, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! FILM AT ELEVEN.  Give me a break.  What is this? Tape delay from the fucking coast?  For the record, I was ambivalent about both Obama’s and Bush’s bailout plans.  At this point in history we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.  But let’s blame the person who broke the country, not the poor sap trying to fix it.  The Republicans, what’s left of them, are just playing Pin the Fail on the Donkey and the cost, either way, will be the American way of life. 

Top Ten Things We Should Nationalize Before They’re Gone

  1. The National Hockey League (national is already in it!)
  2. The Lesbian Gladiator Website (I’m begging you here)
  3. The Daily Discord  (Soon to be America’s Only News Source)
  4. The McLaughlin Group (except parts of Patrick Buchanan)
  5. Pot
  6. Netflix
  7. Potflix (save Reefer Madness!)
  8. The Polar Ice Caps
  9. Angelic Jolie’s breasts.
  10. France

Obama Administration Already Low on Promises

Washington, DC – President Obama admitted to the American people this week that the government is dangerously low on promises.  It is feared the U.S. Government can not maintain sustained growth without more, much needed, unrealistic promises.

“The promises we had in the Federal Reserve are all but gone.” warns Obama, “Only by manufacturing more vital, yet empty, promises can we hope to lead the global market from the brink of destruction.”

Obama vows not to use as many promises in the future.

“We have already taken away all of V.P. Joe Biden’s promises,” said Obama, but added that stretching out the remaining promises “won’t be easy.”

The President is urging the American people to sooth themselves with the promises already promised, so as to stretch out the current supply. President Obama is denying allegations that members of his administration have initiated talks to purchase shoddily manufactured promises, in bulk, from China. Obama promises that this is not the case.  Doh!

So Long My Friend; Real Men Will Miss You

All good things must come to an end; they can’t last forever. These past eight years have gone by in a flash. It seems like only yesterday you were looking over George’s shoulder at his first inaugural, silently saying the oath of office to yourself as George said it aloud, mouthing those immortal words knowing full well you’d be the one doing the real “Presidentin”, as George liked to say. What a great maneuver. How did you get yourself appointed to the office of V.P., or, as you liked to call it, “Virtual President.” What a great feeling it must have been to know that the next pork chop might be your last. What’s an eighteenth cardiac infarction amongst friends, right? It takes all the pressure off making decisions based on future plans. What future? To be able to do what ever the fuck ever you wanted, day or night, for eight years, gives even me a small yet substantial woody (SYSW). When you said “fuck you” to that senator at that photo op, I almost came in my pants, or as I like to call it SYSW + (no really, it was close). When your friend got in the way of a good shot on that hunting trip, you just said to yourself “well, I’ll make sure he doesn’t do THAT again”.

POW!

All of us NRA guys understood.

Haliburton got it all, and damn the liberatards. It’s not like you had to worry about public opinion! I’m sure when you watched protests of the Iraq war on TV, you said out loud “It IS all about the oil idiots” with that wonderful little crooked smile of yours. To have the power of the Presidency of the largest economy on earth, without the little hassle of being “elected”, must have given even your ailing ticker a little jump, eh? You always did what was right—for you, and that takes a real man.

Well, we’re all glad you “made-it”(literally) to this point, even though you had us worried there a few times, like in 01’, 02’, 03’, 04’ etc. You got to stay out of the hospital, because that place will kill ya fer sher. I guess you will now go do whatever retired Darth Vaders do: you will mount your trusty wheelchair and roll away into the sunset giving the world the proverbial finger, as we real men say “Thank You, Mr. Virtual President; may we have another?

For eight years, WE were in charge, and it felt good. Now that “That One” is in charge, and our V.P. is just a mindless puppet with terminal foot-in-mouth disease, all of us “men” will just tuck our penises between our legs and limp our way through the next administration. Who knows, maybe we can get the ‘Nuge to run for President in 2012 and I could maybe, just maybe…

Indeed, Mr. Cheney, perhaps I can be trained in the ways of the dark side; heed the call of the Sith Lord. Hmmmmmmm…

And you, old friend, we will watch your retirement with great interest.”

Yours Unruly

Goomis E. Kyaam

Nuge-Cranken in 2012