First Soylent Green Plant to Open in Florida

First Soylent Green Plant Requesting Bailout Funds

It is not surprising that the first factory to produce grade D but edible ‘Soylent Green’ will open its doors in the heart of the ‘retirement state.’   Many see this as just another sign of a collapsing society.  “But give us some points for honesty,” asserts CEO Bernie Hamilton. “We didn’t want people finding out the hard way that they’ve been gnawing on people wafers. We just wouldn’t want a repeat of history—like in that movie.”

Fear And Loathing With Mr. Giggles

I love walking out my front door without a plan. Destinationless, I step into Limbo and keep trekking on a whim. This Limbo road is long and lonely, but we continue in pursuit of the perfect sanctuary hangout with lively atmosphere, inside art, outside garden, refined beverages, and characters all sizzling with inspiration. This method has stimulated much spontaneous creativity, frequent synchronistic encounters, heart-pounding adventures, a handful of citations, a restraining order, and one public gastric disruption described in court as “serving no legitimate purpose.”

It’s not the particular place, it’s the state of mind, and yet an establishment can institute an atmosphere, character, and quality that encourage this state. Wit spews from the lips like rabid rivers of lava burning and drowning us dead and awakened into our dawning enlightened life…or else I could end up in Carl’s at last call (part dive bar, part Clockwork Orange) pinned to something vaguely feminine.

The true greatness of a coffee shop, brewpub, bar, or diner shall be assessed by its potential to facilitate cultural experiences that are spontaneous, dynamic, and profound. This intangible quality is the most important element of any hangout.

As a cultural facilitator, my job is to transform parties into art exhibits and art exhibits into parties. There are certain criteria to consider. The setup should encourage a free flow throughout and amongst all social circles.  We can read or reflect alone, spontaneously jump into a conversation with strangers, or lead naked conga lines.

In order to stimulate the spirit of enthusiasm, an establishment must play good music that compliments the atmosphere, characters, and mood. Provide quality goods and services, and expel anything that inhibits this ever-important soul transformation (except my friend Shag).

Spatial limitation can strangle the life out of festivities (that’s m’s job). Be careful to consider the feng shui of the place and encourage a flow that keeps the energy circulating. Time limitations also inhibit enthusiasm. This ‘last call’ experiment has failed miserably. Some of my best festivities don’t get full-flailing until dawn.  On that note, drunk tanks should have breakfast specials.

Electronic gadgets distract people from the possibility of authentic interactions and have no place in social settings. I don’t even like to see cell phones in public. Once, two people sat in stools on either side of me speaking into their cell phones. I think they were talking with each other. Look people; if you want to isolate yourself inside the grid, please do it at home. I’m here to party.

Take the television for example. It’s not possible to mingle amongst different groups or spark unplanned adventures if everyone is hypnotized by the boob tube. I have two pieces of advice for all bars regarding televisions:

  1. Unless you’re trying to be a sports bar, don’t have televisions.
  2. Don’t try to be a sports bar.

Fifteen years ago, I vowed to never pay for cable again. This was the greatest decision of my life (sadly, this is accurate. I really haven’t made many good decisions).  Along with this choice, I have taken steps to better tune my awareness to the spirit of authentic culture. Throughout these years, I have continued eliminating electronic gadgets and machinery from my life. Some have argued that my position is reactionary and irrational, leading to a decay in my living standard. Certainly these technologies bring their conveniences, but there is always a cost. Commitment to true art must take priority over comfort, social status, family, friends, and even my own biological survival. So now, no TV, no cell phone, no internet (not even e-mail), no car, no phone, no video games, and no electronic pocket massage toys (well, I haven’t given up Mr. Giggles).   No one is perfect.

Obama Announces His Four Point Econ Plan: Orders Next Four Digits on Debt Clock

After talking with his new administration, President Elect Obama has made the decisive decision to order the hundred trillion place, the quadrillion place, the gazillion place, and the holy-shit-Batman-we’ve-gone-plaid-illion place for the national debt clock in Time Square, New York.  The rationale is twofold, first, a preemptive move is hoped to quell market fears by reassuring the public that the new administration is doing something about our out-of-control deficit, and, second, there may be some modest savings to the taxpayer by buying these extra digit-places in bulk.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you really a healer?  I am a married man suffering from a severe dissociative disorder. I often lose chunks of time when my deviant alter takes control of my body and sends me night after night to the local red light district.

Sincerely,

Steven Jones

Dear Steven,

If your wife is buying this crapola, what’s the problem?  Pork away, pal.   Shame about the memory loss.  Now don’t forget to channel that positive kuntalini energy into your fart chakra.

The Ghetto Shaman

My Flip Flop Reversal

Dave Atsals

Wearing flip flops and a sweat shirt, I flip-flop through the channels as all these political analysts flip-flop on who flipped and flopped more. I flop in front of my computer and flip it on. My online search of ‘flip flop’ from the Marian Webster’s dictionary turned up:

Main Entry:

flip–flop

Pronunciation:

ˈflip-ˌfläp

Function:

noun

Date: 1600

1: the sound or motion of something flapping loosely 2 a: a backward handspring b: a sudden reversal (as of policy or strategy) 3: a usually electronic device or a circuit (as in a computer) capable of assuming either of two stable states 4: a rubber sandal loosely fastened to the foot by a thong

flip–flop intransitive verb

For the purpose of this article we will be focusing on 2 b: a sudden reversal (as of policy or strategy).

I once had a relationship that flopped after I could no longer flip the girl. We will not embarrass her by putting her name in this article, but the inquisitive type can contact Mick Zano; he dated her 20 pounds later. I flip off the political analysts who would so flippantly flop my character? I just chose pride over public embarrassment, and I no longer get off on being crushed in bed (insert flip flop reference here).

At five years old, Mr. Ed was the best show on television. I no longer believe that is the case; in fact, I’ve flipped flopped on my belief he could really talk.

Today’s politicians may not be as smart as me, or a talking horse for that matter. To change one’s mind or position is often a good thing. This current election season highlights these flip flopping positions. Barack Obama in the fall of 2007 said he would like to partake in a publically financed general election. As we know now he did not. But if he did, with the amount of public funds he was able to generate, I would question his intelligence. Have you given your five dollars lately? Joe Biden in April said “I am not interested in the vice presidency.” (No, I did not have further sexual relations with that fat woman).

John McCain in 2006 voted for the Bush tax cuts he opposed in 2001 and 2003. Is this a flip flop, a change in circumstances, or a Mr. Ed moment? His V.P. nominee supported the bridge to Nowhere while running for governor in 2006. After being elected she began to shift her position. “Thanks but no thanks, but doggone it we’ll keep the money.”

Throughout history many flip fopperies have transformed our country. In 1798 Thomas Jefferson supported a constitutional amendment that prohibited the federal government from borrowing money. But, in 1803 borrow he did, allowing the acquisition of the Louisiana Territory. Abraham Lincoln…a proponent of slavery? Check your history books. A change in circumstances? Well, anyway a few of Jefferson’s offspring’s where certainly for it.

FDR’s political philosophy was, in a way, a pro flip flop statement. He explained, “It is common sense to take a method and try it, if it fails admit it frankly and try another.” In the Dave Atsals’s dictionary (DVD), insanity means doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (Bush 2004).

There are three legitimate reasons for a sudden change of policy or political strategy: change in circumstances, your former stance is admittedly wrong or not working, and, perhaps most importantly, she got too fat.

Not included on this list are “women have the right to change their mind.” And neither is, I change your political stance daily according to where I am campaigning.

Barney Frank comes to mind as a politician that has used all legitimate and non-legitimate justifications for all the flip flops mentioned in this article, except for the ‘she got too fat’ one.

Top 10 things I learned at college

  • 10. Sincerity – I am a one girl man, Kim
  • 9. Diplomacy— It got me out of bar fights with men called Psycho.
  • 8. Persuasion – Helped me to get others to type, research, and edit my term papers.
  • 7. Multi-tasking — How to drink beer, shoot pool, and study all at once.
  • 6. Sincerity— I am a one girl man, Patty.
  • 5. Deception— How to look 21 when you’re 18
  • 4. Penmanship— How to sign other people’s signatures.
  • 3. Physical fitness— helped with moving kegs.
  • 2. Business skills — How to raise money throwing keg parties.
  • 1. Leadership — My team will not be defeated, at beer bong or quarters, right Danielle?

Al-Qaeda: Mission Accomplished

Mick Zano

After this last eight years, it is time to assess our Global War on Terror.  Reflecting on events, the first thing that sprung to mind is Mission Accomplished.  Unfortunately, this is not in reference to the efforts of the United States of America.  In 2001 Osama Bin Laden voiced his main objectives—loud and clear for those listening—or at least that’s what they told me at that Afghani ‘training camp.’

Bin Laden knew that he could not take on the world’s superpower directly or militarily, but, if he could pull off something big, maybe he could trick the U.S. into a pattern of reckless and ultimately self-destructive decisions.  He wanted the U.S., as he put it way back when, to become “a shadow of itself.”  (There is currently a green line under itself on my view screen, so Bin Laden is apparently without the aid of grammar check. I am sending this information along to the CIA post haste.)  Anyway, stripping down the Bill of Rights, bypassing the Constitution, replacing our freedom with fear, and invading the wrong country because we couldn’t find the real perpetrators of 9/11 is, well, exactly what Al-Qaeda had in mind.  Bin Laden said, “Yeah, uh, Iraq is the global front on terrorism (snicker, snicker), oh, and invest everything in AIG (snicker, snicker).  Our nation’s treasure is depleted and our claim of world ‘super power’ is greatly diminished.  As a nation, we have not only screwed the pooch, but we’ve wandered into a kennel on Viagra totting a bucket of KY.

The Taliban is resurging in Afghanistan and every NIE report since 9/11 claims that Al-Qaeda is alive, well, and is even strengthening.  Why didn’t Obama mention that in the debates?  Doesn’t he know, or has he reasoned—and probably rightly so—that the truth is no longer relevant in our society?  Just look good, keep a level head, and take one from the Republican play book; if you repeat something often enough, it must be true.  On that note: Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Jessica Alba secretly loves me. Please pass this message on to ten of your closest friends. By this logic, I will have the Andre chilling and the Motel 7 light on for you (sorry, Jessica, I couldn’t afford motel 8).

My colleague, Pokey McDooris, is most alarmed by our society’s liberal pluralist, who, functioning at a higher level of consciousness should have the insight to start acting like adults and clean up this mess.  Whereas I agree with this, I am more stunned with the bubble of non-reality surrounding the base of the Republican Party. It’s public record why Al-Qaeda attacked the US, yet Rudy Giuliani, ‘America’s Mayor’—the man with that gleam in his eye on 9/11—never bothered to find out why these zealots were angry or what they hoped to accomplish with such acts of terrorism.  If you want to do service to the people who died in your city, Mr. Giuliani, read something other than librettos.  When Ron Paul pointed out the reality of why Bin Laden attacked us, ‘the base’ jeered him. The base meanwhile cheered Giuliani’s continued ignorance of the subject.  Let’s make something very clear—because that is what this faction of our society demands—understanding does not mean appeasement.  Learning something about our enemies is not a weakness, and, yes, actually winning the war of ideas and, ultimately, the War on Terror is going to take shrewder minds than the likes of Rush W. Hannity.

The disturbing fact remains that the base of the Republican Party can not adjust or correct course under any and all circumstances.  Although, in Pokey and Oscar’s defense, I have seen a similar reaction on the left (i.e., questioning Obama = racism). The closing of the American Mind under Rove’s direction seems almost complete. The Republican Party, however, has brought the concept of denial to levels unrealized since Pee Wee Herman’s dream of a new unsupervised playhouse.  Now, the catastrophic decisions by Bush and co. are swept away by the success of ‘the surge,’ which equates to a billion dollar a week pause button in the endless clusterfuck that is the Iraq War.

After pointing out Bush’s abysmal approval rating to someone the other day, this was her answer, “Why do we have such polls?  It makes us look stupid in the eyes of the world.”

So, let me get this straight; it’s not the policies and the fact that we really have acted like a developmentally disabled super power lately, it’s the polls—you know, the democracy part of our democracy—that’s the problem?  Yes, this person is a member of the ‘Republican Base.’  I sure can’t think of any better way to stand for democracy than by dismantling it outright.  We shouldn’t really question our leaders when we’re in an endless war against an abstract ideology.  We should systematically dismantle our checks and balance, trust ‘them’ to do the right thing, and just bend over (why can’t I find dates like that?).  We should all walk in goose-step fashion toward a bigger and better version of freedom—a version that oddly lacks, well, freedom.

Freedom and patriotism are being redefined by the fascists at FOX News.  Who are they to call me anti-American for being a little more perceptive on most subjects?  Our recent actions are precisely what Bin Laden had in mind.  He is, after all, far shrewder than his main adversary—of course, so is his camel.

These days I don’t think it’s his priority to hit us again.  Why should Al Qaeda bother?  As long as we continue to feed the global jihad with Abu Graib moments, keep Gitmo’s tainted torture open, and continue to destroy our economy and the rule of law, I think we’re safe.  Joe Biden said he believes that Obama will be tested in the first six months of office.  Maybe he meant that Obama is a threat because he symbolizes an American resurgence.  Until he’s in office we are safe—from everything except ourselves.

In summary, here is where the neo-cons have brought us:  “America doesn’t apologize to anyone. Ah, sorry Mr. Hu Jintao.  No, we can’t make our minimum balance this month.  Yes, Yes, Mr. Hu Jintao, I have Paulson on it.  Please, can you at least wave our annual fee?  Yes, the check is in the mail, Mr.Hu Jintao.  Yes, Yes, very good, Mr. President.  Of course, sir, I won’t forget the bucket of KY.”

If left in charge the neo-cons would never change tactics on this War on Terror.  They would dismantle this country piece by piece until there was nothing left.  But, since I think Sarah Palin has a great set of knockers, I backed McCain Palin in 08’, or at least the knocker portion of the ticket.

Burger King Mascot Linked to Night Terrors in Children

A growing number of children equate the Burger King Mascot with extreme fear and anxiety.  According to one recent study, the negative impact on dream content is unquestionable.

“He just creeps me out,” says Sarah Jones of Prescott, AZ. “Why didn’t they just go with a clown or something?”

Objective Blame vs. Qualitative Responsibility: The Blamesylvania Rebuttal

Mick Zano consistently expresses keen political insights. He was the first person I know who publicly opposed the Iraq War.  His bra burning rally during ‘Shock and Awe’ day was…er…uplifting.  He has spotted many of the Bush Administrations corrupt policies and flawed strategeries. However, I am still prepared to demonstrate that Mick’s obsession with the Bush Administration stems from his repressed and sublimated fetish for underage chia pets.

Mick is a man who hits the facts square on the head but misses the point by a planet.  He frames his argument in terms of ‘quantifiable blame.’ “Who is more to blame for America’s collapse?” he asks, “The Bush Administration (Neo Cons) or the Radical Left (Neo Hippies). I frame the argument in terms of ‘qualitative responsibility.’ Who is more responsible for our republic’s destruction—the Neo Cons or the Neo Hippies?  I will hereby refer to Mick’s argument as ‘Perspective m’ and I will refer to my argument as ‘Perspective Pokeysexgodgeniuspoet.’

In terms of blame, Mick rates the Neo Cons a 9 (7 of which can be attributed to the Bush Administration). The Neo Hippies rate a 6 (2 of which can be attributed to a direct reaction against Bush and co.).

From Perspective m the Neo Cons indeed seem culpable for the doom that awaits us, although Pelosi’s Congress is quickly gaining ground. Regardless, from Perspective PokeySexGodGeniusPoet, the Neo Hippies appear more responsible for our country’s demise.

The support for Perspective POKEYSEXGODGENIUSPOET: there are objectively determined levels of human development (archaic, magical thinking, conformity, rationality, pluralism, integration). The higher the level of cognitive development, the greater the depths of depravity and corruption if a pathology forms (aka, have you seen the footage from Mick’s bra burning rally?).  The point being, with the greater perspective comes greater responsibility.  Take, for instance, a 12-year old child with a womb-based developmental disruption.  He is not nearly as dangerous as a pathological mad scientist who believes that humans have metastasized into cancerous warts upon the greater Gaia-Earth vagina. Nor should the developmentally challenged child (I am in no way comparing George Bush to a 12-year old retard, but the wart…) be held to the same level of responsibility as the mad scientist.

I hold the liberal pluralists (Neo Hippies) to a higher standard than the Bush Administration because the Neo Hippies ARE more highly developed than the Neo Cons.

The great danger with the Neo Hippies Gone Mad is their subtle yet relentless attempts to avoid responsibility. (Was Richard Nixon responsible for the Weather Underground’s behavior?) They seek justifications to indulge in their childish urges to ‘do anything that they want,’ including riots, theft, assault, blowing up buildings, and burning undergarments to old Dylan tunes (Tangled up and bra?).

Their excuse boils down to this: in light of the Bush Administration’s Tyranny, what do you expect?

Stick it to the man. Fight the Power. Free Willy!

I would even argue that the Neo Hippies hadn’t gone so feakin’ mad, mainstream Americans would have been comfortable with Al Gore or John Kerry. The reason that Americans didn’t vote for Gore or Kerry was because so many anti-Bush fanatics ranted hateful crazy shit that sounded very similar to Al-Qaeda’s rhetoric. America settled for the lower developed Bush Administration because the higher developed progressives appeared psychotic (Wright), unprincipled (Wrangle), immoral (Sharpton), empty suited (Edwards), or simply UFOish (Kucinich).

I admit that Perspective m presents a factually accurate assessment of our nation’s predicament—I just don’t believe any good comes from asserting Perspective m.  In context of the Neo Hippie’s madness, Perspective m begins to validate their irresponsible and irrational indulgence by blaming it on the Bush Administration. The call for responsibility far outweighs the desire to caste blame.

And if you don’t get it by now, as m asserts, then you have already joined the Farrakhan Freak Show.

I believe that brings this argument to an n.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want my money back.  I recently purchased your self-published work, Coricidin: Consciousness and Condoms, and, well, it wasn’t what I expected.

Sincerely,

Lee Stickle

Dear Lee.

I never refund anything for anyone, but I do urge you to purchase, at a reduced cost, my latest work The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors.

The Ghetto Shaman

Much Discord in Blamesylvania

Mick Zano

The debate in question is an on-going one, waged over the past six years, between myself and fellow Discordian, Pokey McDooris.  Here and now I hope to land the knock-out punch.  Recently our rants have shifted to the societal collapse lurking at the edge of the collective psyche—a phenomenon I call the Scheisstgeist.  Our late night debates typically include our wasteland warrior mission statement (which is still in progress).  We also wonder, as integral warlord hopefuls, whether or not owning sex slaves will impede our chances for enlightenment.  Most importantly, we contemplate the logistics of brewing beer from bread and gobs of our own spittle.  In other words, we both agree America is in trouble, but we fundamentally disagree on how we, as a nation, got here.

Pokey, champions Ken Wilber’s Boomeritis theory, which, in a nut shell, blames liberal pluralism. Common worldcentric thinking is a relatively high level of human development, but, according to Wilber, a nefarious shadow-side lurks within this world view.  These potentially unhinged liberals—or green meanies as our own anthropologist Dr. Sterling Hogbein calls them—are not willing to repair the current system, but are working diligently toward its’ demise.  They are not interested in including and transcending, so much as starting from scratch.  What they tend to ignore are all those pesky transition periods, wherein people from historically lower perspectives ultimately force them to toil rigorously in the field by day and toil rigorously in the sack by night.  Some of the folks keeping this shadow side of pluralism in check are: FOX News, AM radio, and Senior Discord Analyst Pokey McDooris.

Look no further than Europe to see how a policy of appeasement is working out.  These wonderful cultures are being absorbed by immigrants unwilling to assimilate (IUAs).  Here in the US, extreme political correctness (EPC) is spawning a type of ‘nice police,’ which actually endangers our freedom of speech.  From this perspective, appropriate non-offensive language is often deemed more important than the truth.  ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’ (even if you are off of the boat, off of your meds, and, by all accounts, off of your rocker).  In counseling, this is often called enabling.  Sometimes it’s healthier to say, ‘I’m OK, but I’m really not so sure about you, suck wad.’ Suck wad is a clinical designation found in the DSM-IV (Homeboy Edition).

How can easygoing progressive thinking impact our first amendment rights?  Just ask Don Imus or Michael Savage.  Even Barak Obama called Don Imus’ rants ‘hateful speech’ but was far more lenient when his own pastor’s antics surfaced (until it cost him too many votes).

An anti-American movement certainly thrived within this country pre 9/11, so in this respect I agree with my colleague.  The recent Reverend Wright controversy opened a scab of one such problem festering within our society (other than my friend Shag).  For some, change means giving up their well cultivated hatred.  I agree that there are many people looking for reasons to tear down our systems, however, there is another side to this story—my side. I feel that the last seven years have been much more damaging to this country than any underground, nebulous threat from the—not in any remote position of power—green meanies.

I’m afraid a recap is necessary.  It has been all but proven that torture has been given the green light at Gitmo and Abu Ghraib by the Bush Administration.  By all accounts this development has been the greatest blow to the soft war, or what has been termed ‘the war of ideas.’   Executive power has been greatly expanded, including signing statements and a host of enhanced executive privilege (EEP) that protects the Bushies from any and all accountability. Habeas corpus, which successfully bypasses the rest of the Bill of Rights, has thankfully been zapped with a defibrillator.  But add two wars bleeding us dry, one of which is a superfluous invasion poorly managed, warrant-less wire tapping, a compromised justice department, a failing economy, out of control corporate greed, treasoness subcontracting during war time (breath), out of control oil prices, ignoring climate change, and a plummeting approval rating around the world…and you’ve most certainly lost sight of the original point of this sentence.  Shake, chill, and serve with a side order of freedom fries, and wa la, you have a collapsing super power.

Back to my colleagues’ argument: what has been the greatest force behind this home grown anti-Americanism?  You guessed it, the Bush Administration.  Bush has brought anti-Americanism into the mainstream.  He has legitimized the fringe elements of our society and has galvanized these hodge-podges of marginalized pockets into a solid movement.  He has done this at home and abroad.  He has done this as effectively in Newark as he has in Islamabad.  He is the recruitment tool for the Bin Ladens and the Farrakahns. In fact, there is even an anti-government movement within the Republican Party itself!  They’re called the Paulites, and they demand zany things like freedom and small government.  They are even talking about moving into their own gated communities, in a sense, seceding from the union. And remember kids, just having any hostile feeling toward this government is enough to get you on the Gitmo express.  Under American law, these libertarians—a branch of the Republican Party—might end up behind gates all right, but not the ones they think.

Now you can safely add every libertarian-minded individual to the Farrakhan freak show.  You can then add all of the progressives disturbed by Bush’s brand of fundamentalism to the freak show.   Add every educated person who understands the dangers of the Bushies brand of group think, all or none thinking, and a host of other cognitive distortions to the freak show.  Add everyone sick of having their patriotism questioned by the likes of Sean Hannity—a man who has endlessly cheered the crippling policies pushed by this administration—to the freak show.  Add real conservatives and everyone else who is for small government and fiscal responsibility to the freak show.  Shake, chill, and serve with a side order of freedom fries, and wa la, you have stoked and legitimized real anti-American sediment around the country and the world.

If you would like to keep score—somewhat subjectively I’m afraid—let’s put the danger from the neocon’s secrecy and incompetence at about a 9 right now (7 points of which can be attributed to Bush and Co.).  I give the ‘nice police’ and this seething anti-Americanism, which culminates in the fear of a collapse from within, as being about a 6 (2 points of which can be attributed to a reaction to Bush and Co.).  Even if the collapse does ultimately come from within our society, no matter how you do the math, far more damage has been done by the neocons.  Combined, Bush has negatively impacted these categories by nearly two thirds!  Another few years of this madness and, guess what, you can add me to the freak show.

Man Hastens Plastic Decomposition While Keeping Family Fed

The MacNama family of Gaithersburg, MD, is now eating seven to ten plastic bags every day in the hope of stretching their ever-shrinking grocery budget.  The bread winner of the family, Fred MacNama, feels “much better” since he started ingesting grocery bags.  Apparently, plastic bags are an excellent source of polyethylene, which one study, conducted by the makers of polyethylene, suggests is non-toxic and arguably roughage. 

“I am saving money, I feel fuller, and I’m doing something for the planet” states MacNama.

Scientists posit that if more people ate their plastic bags, digestive enzymes could shave nearly a century off of the estimated 1,000 year decomposition rate—to say nothing of the potential benefit to our population problem.

Franco-Swiss “Research” Alliance Will Create Earth-Swallowing Black Hole!

L. Wolfe

Franco-Swiss “Research” Alliance Will Create Earth-Swallowing Black Hole!
By L. Wolfe

The French and Swiss governments unveiled a new weapon of mass destruction costing in excess of nine billion dollars. This weapon, the most terrible and destructive force ever conceived by man, will soon swallow the Earth in a man-made black hole. Those of the mind that France is already a stinking black hole will not be entirely surprised by this development.

This massive superweapon has been developed with the financial aid of the European Union and the United States under the name “Large Hadron Collidor” (with the spiffy – yet fairly unimaginative – abbreviation of LHC). This supposed physics experiment is designed to find the Higgs Boson particle and to study high energies like those present during the Big Bang. Higgs Boson? Nine billion…to look for something that sounds like it hails from Hazzard County? Ge-ge-ge, I’m going to get those Higg Bosons ge-ge-ge.

It has been said that results of experiments using the LHC could prove Superstring, Grand Unified, or the Hawking Wet Dream (HWD), theory.

What is it?

The Large Hadron Collidor is a giant machine located on the border of France and Switzerland. The LHC consists of a 27 km circular “tube” at the European physics research facility known as CERN. Essentially, it is used to accelerate particles to very high speeds and energies, crash them into targets, and study what happens.

What is it really?

A weapon.

How does it work?

Imagine I give you a fancy watch, say a Rolex, and ask you to tell me exactly what it’s made of. I give you no tools and make you wear boxing gloves. How can you do it? Well, you could throw it against a brick wall and study the pieces on the floor. (In this analogy, you = LHC, and the Rolex = a particle.)

What is it Supposed to do?

In Search of the ge-ge-ge Higgs Boson

The Higgs Boson is the holy grail for particle physicists in their on-going quest for the meaning of life via the life of Brian. Fine, you try working all of the Python movies into a single sentence sometime, wise guy. The Higgs Boson is a crazy particle that only exists, theoretically, at very high energies. Current particle accelerators can generate the energies required to create a Higgs Boson, but it’s unlikely to actually happen. So how does this translate? Nine billion and we only get Boson? Or part of Boson? I never even liked him anyway (hours of my life waiting for a brief Daisy Duke short shot. Butt I digress). The probability of finding Higgs or Boson is so low that no one has ever even seen a Higgs Boson in all the years of operating these high-energy, high cost particle accelerators. Although, one scientist from the Oak Ridge National Laboratory claims that one of the ‘o’s from the Higgs Boson may have rolled behind his desk during a staff x-mas party.

In order to increase the probability of finding one of these rarest of particles, we need a higher energy accelerator than anything yet in operation. Enter the French and their half baked plans to destroy mother GAIA by hurling her subatomic children at the proverbial wall. Besides, what’s the big deal with this Higgs Boson anyway? Well, it has to do with the gauge invariant piece of the Standard Model of Particle Physics. What the hell is that, you ask? Apparently, there is broken-gauge-symmetry with respect to the electroweak force (one of the two fundamental forces of nature). Huh? Well, in order to explain this breaking of gauge invariance there needs to be another field, these are called the Higgs field, which eventually get us to the Higgs particle. If the Higgs field actually exists, then all is well in the Universe. If the Higgs particle is found not to exist, something else must have rolled under that desk back at Oak Creek. Physicists refer to The Higgs field and Higgs particle as minimalist theories. A minimalist theory is the simplest explanation for a phenomenon, which may well be related to ‘Occam’s Ferret,’ but don’t quote me on that (Wikipedia is down).

What makes the LHC a Suspected Superweapon?

First of all, its name is misleading. Is it a Large Collider of Hadrons or is it a Collider of Large Hadrons? This double speak proves this deceptive rouse is actually a superweapon designed to swallow the earth.

Second, the French are involved, and everyone knows that the French are elitists bent on global domination. With this superweapon they won’t need to actually fight anyone, they’ll just suck the Earth into black holed oblivion, along with their own Sartre-like nihilistic asses. No good existential hump wads (EHW).

Third, particle accelerators already exist around the world that can produce energies adequate for studying all of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd generation particles. Why go any further, especially on the first date?

Fourth, there is no need for such a facility, and here’s why. The Standard Model of Particle Physics, proposed in the 1960’s, is essentially unchanged. This is a highly accurate theory that has been tried and tested for over 40 years—truly an amazing achievement. We can now describe and predict almost all aspects of how the universe works on the smallest scale. In fact, it’s only at very high energies in very unique circumstances that the Standard Model of Particle Physics runs into some very minor discrepancies. It’s so good, in fact, that it has been used to accurately calculate the dimensionless magnetic moment (g-factor) of an electron to 13 decimal places 2.0023193043622. How accurate is that, you may ask? Here’s an analogy:

Let’s say you were going to drive 10,000 miles south from Anchorage, Alaska— exactly 10,000 miles, with an accuracy of 13 decimal places. I want you to tell me where you would end up.

Figure 1. Punta Arenas, Chile

You may say you’ll end up in South America somewhere. That’s accurate to about 1 decimal place. You may say you’ll end up in Chile somewhere. That’s accurate to about 2 decimal places. You may say you’ll end up in Punta Arenas, Chile. Now we’re talking, you’re really honing in on it! That’s accurate to about 3 decimal places. Nice place by the way, Punta Arenas. Lovely red-light district.

Anyway, assume you want to predict where in Punta Arenas you’ll arrive. How about at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes? That’s accurate to about 6 decimal places. You may say you want to arrive at the base of the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas. That’s good to about 7 decimal places.

So how close would you need to be to get to 12 decimal places of accuracy over your 10,000 mile trip? In order to be accurate to 12 decimal places, you would have to predict your final location to within the width of a human hair!

Figure 2. Statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes

Why did I run you through this exercise? Anything we could potentially find out from the experiments at the LHC could only improve our accuracy in describing and predicting our universe to the 14th decimal place. It’s not going to change anything in those first 13 decimal places. Nine billion dollars for one measly decimal place! These experiments will provide no practical benefit for you and I. It’s as useful as predicting our arrival destination at the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas after driving from Anchorage Alaska to within 1/10 of the width of a human hair.

Seems there must be a little more to this Franco-Swiss project, perhaps a military application, hmmm?

Besides, did I mention the French are involved?

Enola Gay Flown Over Iraqi Airspace: Drops Thousands of ‘Hint, Hint’ Flyers

Is the Bush Administration once again ramping up its rhetoric to provoke a war with Iran? Bush denies purposely inciting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and defends his recent statement to the press that the Iranian leader is a “homophobic camel-humping fascist.” Bush defends this statement as simply a term of endearment, like when he gazes into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and calls him ‘yum, yum bunny,’ or how he still refers to former Prime Minister Tony Blair as his ‘little Britzu.’

Jesus’ Agenda Found!

In a cave near Tikrit, Iraq, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Brasserie, has unearthed a scroll revealing Jesus’ agenda. “This is huge,” claims Dr. Hogbein, “like the ‘second coming’ all over again.”

P.U.B.B. (Poets United for a Better Barroom)

A cultural parasite festers within the taverns and barrooms of America. Machinery grinds at our souls and sucks at our wallets. When the internet jukebox first hit the scene, we were lured by the unlimited access to songs and the improved sound quality.

Of course there would be inherent costs to these cutting edge  ‘improvements’.  We knew up front that we’d be paying more for each selection and still more for the dubious super-search option. And just consider how often these jukeboxes falter to the whims of the internet gods…but don’t worry, it never fails to take your money.

The time has arrived for all citizens, patrons, bar owners, and staff to stand up and demand that this mechanistic monster of malaise be barred for life! I’m calling for a return to the old school jukeboxes. Bring back the CDs, or the Happy Days 45s, or why not give the short-lived 8-track jukebox another whirl? I’m ready to grab some bottles and cans and start clapping my hands. I’m Rick James, bitch.

The bars and taverns are at the heart of our democracy. It is here within the American barroom where constitutional principles first arose. In times of national and international crises, we return to the bars to reestablish the roots of American greatness. Belch. Not only does a Barroom Bill of Rights facilitate justice, it also fosters respect and dignity amongst the clientele and staff. Fart.

All persons, including patrons, owners, employees, and drunks have un-ale-ianable rights to life, festivity and the pursuit of lapdance chicks (what were talking about?). These rights may only be infringed upon if the person’s actions violate the barroom rules that apply to all. It is the behavior, not the person that is to be targeted by bouncers. Therefore it is not appropriate for a person to be expelled from the bar because he is deemed ‘weird’ or ‘a jerk’ or because theperson is simply intoxicated. It is appropriate to ask a person to leave for hitting, inappropriate touch, harassment, profanity, dress code violations, property damage or the over Abbafication of your jukebox selections. Specific behaviors that led to the expulsion must be provided (preferably in song, or, better yet, epic poetry).  Thus, a written explanation will be presented to the ejectee and a copy sent to a mediator (I’ll take a crack at it) to rule on its barroom constitutionality.

The bartender and staff always reserve the right to refuse service of alcohol for any or no reason, unless this refusal of service is based on racial, religious, or sexual discrimination.

All advertised pints must be at least 16 ounces. A pint should always be cheaper per once, than a mug. A pitcher should always be cheaper than a pint. And hear ye, hear ye, from this day forth all jukeboxes, young or old, are required to display the number of unplayed songs that have been selected, or else the bartender must give the customer his money back.

There you have it. And back to the music for a moment. I’m frankly tired of plugging five dollars into the jukebox at midnight to later find it shutoff at 2AM with no ‘Mr. Roboto.’ Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret…

  • Article 1:Lose the ‘play now’ option? Just because some guy’s got money to burn, doesn’t give him the right to burn me!  The problem’s plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.
  • Article 2:The right to bare women
  • Article 3:Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo.