Environmentalists Reintroduce Liberals Into Several Mississippi Cities

Environmentalists Reintroduce Liberals into Several Mississippi Cities

Starkville, MS—The Foresters of Boston, MA were successfully relocated to a rural Mississippi community last month as part of a national effort to reintroduce the liberal species into areas where they are all but extinct.  Thus far billions of stimulus dollars have been channeled into this important project.

“If conservative thought dominates an area, it aint pretty,” said Dr. Peter Gallagher, a social conservationist from Brown University. “The introduction of new ideas is important for the intellectual health of a region.”

Dr. Gallagher believes liberals raised in captivity can be safely released into the bush almost anywhere in the continental U.S. One exception is Alaska. Dr. Gallagher fears liberals would be hunted by helicopter by a certain former governor.

Libertarians argue that the radio tracking collars worn by those relocated is unconstitutional.

“It’s for their own safety,” argues Gallagher.  “Liberals are near extinct in Mississippi for a reason.  You send someone into Jackson with an I ♥ Nancy Pelosi T-shirt and you’re going to be cutting someone down from a tree.”

Thus far results of reintroduction have been mixed.

“We’re not expecting liberal thought to thrive in these areas, but we just don’t want it to die out completely.”

Conversely, trials are underway to extend the habitats of Tea Party activists into downtown San Francisco.

“These are generally safer moves, but thus far equally as ineffective,” said Gallagher.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?

Kristina H.

Dear Kristina,

I’ve only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie!

Discord Proves Apollo Conspiracy!

L. Wolfe

It’s been 40 years since Apollo 11 and 37 years since Apollo 17, and, perhaps more importantly, 15 years since Ron Howard’s movie Apollo 13. One would think we’d have made significant advancements in spaceflight since Apollo 17, the last manned space-flight to the moon. You would also think Ron Howard would have a sequel by now. The Wright Brothers’ first flight occurred in 1903, and just about 40 years later (1947), Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier in a rocket-powered aircraft. Why haven’t we made any advancements in super-orbital space flight in the last four decades? Because the manned moon landings never happened… And now we have proof!

There are a lot of conspiracy theories surrounding the moon landings, many perpetuated by this less than reputable e-zine. But, as the Discord’s Senior NASA Correspondent, I prefer to take a more proactive and open-minded approach to these things. I don’t just blindly follow all the hyped-garbage bandying about the internet. With the Discord, you can be sure we’ve put a lot of time and effort into researching and verifying our ideologically driven propaganda (IDP). I suppose it all depends upon what your definition of “researching and verifying” is, or what your definition of “is” is.

The image at right was obviously PhotoShopped. The Daily Discord should have checked with me before posting it. Winslow never listens. He just smells the money.

Regardless, during our research of these other conspiracy theories, I believe I have truly stumbled upon the smoking gun—a piece of irrefutable evidence that proves, beyond doubt, the manned moon landings never happened. His name is Dr. Elmer Phulacrap. Dr. Phulacrap was the head of the CIA program that created and choreographed all the manned moon missions.

Here’s our conversation from January 17th, 2011 at Musso & Frank’s bar on Hollywood Blvd. It’s self explanatory and it profoundly changes the history of mankind:

L. Wolfe: So, Elmer, I’ll buy you another shot if you can tell me some more about the Apollo Program and how you choreographed it.

Elmer: Well, I was working in LA at a little underground film studio, as a grip, see. We were filming Amazon Fantasy—cutting edge stuff at the time. Anyway, I’m leaving late one night and this guy approaches me. He hands me a cigarette and tells me all about how the U.S. Government really needed to get to the moon before the Russians and all that. He then tells me there is no way it can be done, so he’ll pay me $6,000 if I can help build a convincing film set. The rest is history…..uh, well, you know what I mean.

L. Wolfe: Fascinating. Here, have another Mai Tai. Anything else you can tell me?

Elmer: Thanks. We were buzzing along nicely with plans for manned missions to some asteroid or another and one to the dark side of the moon, until Pink Floyd stole my idea for some rock ‘n roll album. The whole thing fell through. Next were going to be manned missions to Vegas—

L. Wolfe: Vegas?

Elmer: No, no Venus, what did I say? We had big plans. Hell, we would have been to Mars by 1977 if it weren’t for George Lucas.

L. Wolfe: George Lucas? Was he involved with this cover up?

Elmer: Vegas? No, I said Lucas. No, the higher ups at the studio decided to “re-allocate” our funding, so we ended up with Star Wars instead. Since then, my career has been in the crapper. I hate Star Wars. I always felt like one of those red-shirted guys that gets killed as soon they beam down to the planet.

L.Wolfe: That was Star Trek.

Elmer: Whatever…I’m just worried I did the wrong thing at the time. And now we may never really get to Vegas.

L.Wolfe: Lucas…

Elmer: Right, what did I say?

In Search of the “God Particle” LHC Finds Something Completely Different

In Search of the "God Particle" LHC Finds Something Completely Different

Geneva, SW—LHC, the world’s largest high-energy particle accelerator, is back in the news again. After bombarding two particles at near light speeds earlier today, a flaming eye-like arc formed across one of the accelerator’s key detectors.

“This is completely unlike anything we’ve seen to date,” said senior research scientist, Lucas Taylor. “I think it’s safe to say our detector has, in fact, detected something.”

According to eyewitnesses, what really shocked everyone was when the fiery eye exclaimed, “You cannot hide! I see you. There is no life in the void, only death.”

“When quantum life attempts to communicate, it’s pretty momentous stuff,” said Taylor. “The voice seemed to come from inside our own heads which was, perhaps, the most fascinating part of the experience.”

When questioned about any potential danger to mankind, Taylor replied, “What can I say? Sometimes you go looking for the ‘God Particle’ and shit happens.”

Some are calling the apparition the Higgs-Sauron Particle, in honor of the dark sorcerer from J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, LHC administrators are maintaining that the atypical and combative personality changes running rampant through their ranks is “merely a coincidence.”

“Most of the workers have abandoned their duties in the last few hours and seem content to clearing the trees surrounding the facility,” said Taylor. “It’s apparently all for some insidious weapons-making-purpose.”

But Taylor reassured the media that LHC administrators are “looking into that.”

There are No Heroes: Pox on Both Yer Budgets!

Mick Zano

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries.  No easy trick.  His new budget reduction attempt is a joke.  I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan.  This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment.  Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore;  damn.

Capitalism is sick. It’s devouring itself like an Ouroboro on meth.  Our country is unsustainable in its present form, but no one wants to hear that.  But sorry heartland peeps, there’s no global law guaranteeing American dominance and supremacy.  Hard decisions needed to be made to shift our economy toward a more eco friendly and sustainable one…back in the 70s!  Epic fail.  We chose the road we always choose, avoid the pain, and roll those dice one more time. Oh, and that strategy worked so well for me in Vegas last week.

 Yes, both D and R are responsible. Granted, when R is in charge, the slide is always more pronounced—always has been.  Speaking of the neococoon watch, how did they manage to turn Reagan into Lincoln in their spare time?  He’s the model Republicans want to follow?  The guy who created so much debt in eight years, he had to break Republican rule number one and raise taxes?  Reaganomics didn’t even work for Reagan, morons!  Yeah…I want some more of that magic.  You know why you won’t hear that on Fox News?  …If you really need me to answer that, it’s already too late.  Oh, and I have two words for you Sean Hannity: Iran Contra.  Oh, that’s right the truth doesn’t matter.  So, I guess Reagan is Lincoln and W. will be the next Kennedy. 

The Right clings to this delusional vision of some idyllic version of capitalism, set somewhere in the 50’s—a time when real America thrived.  You know, when we didn’t know how devastating our actions were to other cultures and to our own environment.  ¯Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days!  Wednesday, Thursday, Cap & Trade!¯  Sorry, had to work that in.  Did I ‘jump the shark’ with that one? 

If history is any judge, Democrats are not prepared to make the necessary budget cuts and Republicans are not likely to make the right ones.  I think at this point, there’s little hope of avoiding the toppling of the American dollar and the hyperinflation to follow.  I only gave my father financial advice twice in my life, the first was six months before the collapse in ‘08, and the second was last week.  The same message both times: international commodities, dude.  

I wonder if Obama knows what’s going to happen.  I got the sense when he came into office he had no idea the depth of this crisis.  Few people did.  Everyone suffers from what psychologists call the normalcy bias.  It can’t happen here, right?  This is America.  Besides, nonsensical positive feedback is inexplicably tied to a recovering stock market.  There’s nothing to see here, folks, so buy shit!

 Nothing is healthy about our system and little is healthy about our way of life.  I was talking to a family member after the ‘08 financial meltdown and, she said, “Stock markets go down, stock markets go back up.”  As it turned out, she was right…er, sort of.  But the bigger picture is a continued decline, and soon all the ponzi schemes in the world aren’t going to be able to put Humpty DOWty back together again.

I’ve always wanted the Right to pull their heads out of their arses, that has always been my message, but they just keep focusing on the shiny ball.  It’s a collective ADHD that impacts their credibility and their inability to focus on what really matters.  The world ends while they’re rambling on about so-called ground zero mosques, ACORN, and birth certificates—all the while our way of life slips into the abyss. If you are a Foxeteer, you might remember ACORN as the 3rd biggest story of our time for many months.  I will use the evils of math here: if you were right about the dangers of ACORN, it was .00000001% of our problem, but, as it turns out, most of that .00000001% was bullshit. 

There’s a dysfunctional cycle on the right where the grassroots gets rightly fed up with various government abuses, the nation’s shaky fiscal footing, and other matters of substance… but then rather than supporting and embracing champions who are forcefully fighting those things, they get distracted by Andrew Breitbart style circus acts. As a result, the USA is at less risk than ever before of pimps being assisted by left-leaning nonprofits. What an achievement!

—Andrew Sullivan, the Daily Dish

Back to the budget: Republicans will take an axe to the budget, hurting real people and costing us more money in the long run.  Watch Arizona to see how well that strategy works out.  Meanwhile, Democrats will not use any axe, they will instead use a toothpick, even in the face of the dollar’s complete and utter collapse.   

AZ’s governor, Jan Brewer, has said things I can’t believe any adult would say.  Ok, I’m kidding myself, she’s a typical Republican.

She said, “Our emergency rooms will handle the overflow as we dismantle our behavioral health system,” or some such.

Anyone who works at a hospital, or has ever been to a hospital, would beg to differ.  The mentally ill she’s condemning will cost us more clogging up our hospitals and our jails.  Increased security measures cost money too, dipshit.  Yep, it’s hard to believe, but a surgeon’s time and a police officer’s time costs more than a case manager’s.   Shocking, I know…math again, terrible stuff.

Meanwhile, Obama said he had to make some “deep cuts” for his budget proposal.  Give me a break.   He won’t touch Medicaid/Medicare but he would love to get his hands on the defense budget, and the other side is the exact opposite.  You can find budget cuts everywhere—in every corner of Americana.  I will gladly review the money we can save on Medicare—yes, I’m funded by that.  Only cutting discretionary spending isn’t the answer, but gutting vital services won’t be the answer either. 

There are no heroes!  Pox on both your budgets! Can’t we find some Goldilocks who’s just right?  Speaking of which, Goldi…ahh, don’t email my yahoo account anymore. My wife checks that. 

Anyone ever heard of a third way? You know, the ones I’ve been suggesting on the Discord regularly?  Time to join the Transcosmetic Party, folks.  The rest of you are sounding increasingly ridiculous—no easy feat, considering where you started.

Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup

Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup

Tripoli, LY—In what many are calling a “sad” and “pathetic” maneuver, Muammar Gaddafi made numerous calls to comedians this week for one last ditch effort to quell the masses.  Gaddafi then broadcast a seventeen minute comedy act to the entire nation of Libya on Thursday.

“Not watching the performance was a capital offense,” said a resident of Benghazi, “which, may have squelched some of the initial enthusiasm.”

The despot’s plan was to create the perfect standup routine to win back the hearts and minds of his people.  Granted, it was a feat made more difficult by strafing his own people with military jets the day before, but if anyone could pull it off, it was him.

Gaddafi opened his act with “I shot a protestor in my pajamas this morning.  How he got my pajamas, I don’t know,” and, “Firing missiles into crowds of my own people may seem heavy-handed, well excuuuuuuuuse meeeee!” 

He then, apparently, channeled Rodney Dangerfield by adding, “I don’t get no respect.”

There was no joke before or after his statement, he just kept repeating it.

At one point, Gaddafi actually stopped the act and said, “Have you all failed to notice the arrow that seemingly passes through my head?”

“He died out there,” said a once loyal tribal leader.  “There were long awkward pauses where he thought people would be laughing.  Didn’t anyone tell him there was no live audience?  Of course, if there had been, we would have rushed the stage…but not in the way he would have liked.  If he had only done something with a pie to the face, now that would have been something.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Yo, yo!

You guize iz da bomb! I tried to pik up Ur chit at Tahriri dude an’ mist it. lemme juz say Ghetto Shaman iz rite down wit da Arab yut! Watch dem authoritarian regimes over next cuple weeks an see um skwirm, big man!

Taken’ it to da street man, howz dem fine Discord honies mon! Bring em on in Tehran, mon, we gonna get da middle east straight yo all don no what mon!

Lil’ chick’n ‘Strutn hiz stuf’

Arab Nation.org

Dear Lil’ chick’n,

What is an “Arab yut”?  I’m having a My Cousin Vinny flashback.

Sorry you missed my tour.  For being such a huge fan, I am sending you a signed copy of The Tao of Skull Fucking.

But what’s your question?  Even the one ‘sentence’ of yours that borders on a question “howz dem fine Discord honies mon!” doesn’t end in a question mark.  This piece is called Ask the Ghetto Shaman, dude. 

When you get my book, I want you to study Chapter 7: Exploring altered states of being and higher levels of consciousness with hookers.  There will be a test.

The Ghetto Shaman

Beer Cleansing

Beer Cleansing
Alex Bone

I’ve been hearing a lot about all these new cleansing techniques designed to, allegedly, help improve your body, mind, and even your spirit. Some people tend to need such things, not sure why.  It’s not like we’ve run out of beer or anything. Still, who am I to judge? Maybe it works wonders.  There are still many mysteries in the Universe.  The holy feathered serpent knows, only a few souls have found the sacred light of our savor, Yig. May his name be hissed.

There are all kinds of detox/body/colon cleansings out there, such as: The Master, water, cayenne pepper, urine, and tape worm. All of these techniques advocate focusing on a particular food or liquid to the exclusion of all others.  All this, in the hopes of purging the body of built up toxins. Of course this is all nonsense, but it makes people feel better knowing they are trying something.  Besides, many probably enjoy the cozy feeling that comes from the slim hope they’re doing something good for themselves—which may explain vegan restaurants and gyms.

I, however, have decided to cut through all this crap and I am—with the aid of my good friend, medical adviser, and local barkeep, Phillip Brownhurst—planning on setting off for a whole month of beer cleansing. Yes, you heard it right here on the Daily Discord.  Be the first of your friends to Like.  No food or hydrating liquids will pass my lips, while my body focuses on purging such products from my inner core—while only throwing up once a day.

As this happens, in a wild Bacchanalian fit, I will embrace all this glorious Health Enhancing Ale (HEA!). I will save the ales as they have saved me from the distracting images that plague our modern lives. What insights, what revelations, what incontinence waits in store? I can hardly guess. I do know this: such a journey is not to be taken Bud-lightly.  It is not for those weak willed, or lily-livered, or those unsure of what they will learn from their inner drunk.

I’ve also heard say, strange things exit the body during such detox periods…hey, there go my baseball cards!  And I have been warned such trips are not without their own inherent dangers.  The Ghetto Shaman advised me of some of the spiritual side effects of forgoing anything but hops and barley for long periods of time.  For examples of this, see any Ghetto Shaman column

My shamanistic colleague has embarked on similar ale-cleansing escapades, but many ended abruptly in some drunk tank or another. I will complete the work he has started!  By the way, why do they call it a drunk tank if they don’t serve any alcohol?  Anyway, Dr. Phillip has promised to drop by with a few joints and check in on me after last call, each and every night.  He will check my vitals, palpate my swollen liver, while we kick back one last brewski for posterity.  Can I get a “Hail Yig”?!

So I embark into the realm of Dionysus, Bukowski, Bacchus, Morrison, and Lohan…

No, don’t try to stop me. I need to do this. Not just for me, but for us, for everyone that has been inclined to not be inclined, bribed to be good and proper, or simply told to make something of their lives, or their livers. Stop living this lie and join me on my own permanent paid detoxification. 

Yes, it is for you I fight! I fight for the right to throw it all away, forget your jobs, and just wake up!  No, no, I’m not talking about enlightenment. Geesh.  I mean, wake up whenever your hangover allows and start the day with a cold one. I’ll probably see the rest of those suckers heading to work, while I grab my pre-nooner six-pack (PNSP).  In the end, those are the ones who will envy me.  I’m talking to you Zano! Mr. Goes-to-Work-Most-of-the-Time!

I will keep you posted…  Hey, did I mention you’re funding this experiment, Zano?

Dr. Zaius Banishes Democratic Leadership to Forbidden Zone

Dr. Zaius Banishes Democratic Leadership to Forbidden Zone

Dr. Zaius, Minister of Science, has charged the Obama Administration with gross budgetary negligence. He believes the failure to address the serious monetary concerns facing the global financial system at this critical juncture in history comes with dire consequences for mankind.

“With the increasing likelihood of the collapse of the U.S. dollar, only cutting discretionary spending is absurd! This is precisely the moment when humanity allows apes to become the dominant species on the planet,” warns Zaius. 

Dr. Zaius is calling for Obama and his key aides to be led to the edge of the Forbidden Zone and banished forever into the wasteland.  Zaius came to the decision after strongly considering the option to have them sent Beneath the Planet of the Apes—a plan that posed logistical difficulties, not the least of which involves the laws of physics. Dr. Zaius called for those exiled to be castrated, but chimps and gorillas outvoted orangutans 2 to 1 prohibiting the barbaric procedure. 

To prepare for the coming apocalypse the Zaius suggests burying the Statue of Liberty up to her chest in sand.

And, in related news, Dr. Cornelius and Dr. Zira have been arrested on heresy charges for supporting the U.S. treasury’s recent activity.

What Are You so Damn Proud of Real America?

Mick Zano

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem?  America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again. 

So it’s time for another patriotard reality check.  Nationalism has its place, but not when it becomes a liability.  Liberals are always painted as un-American and there’s certainly some truth to this statement.  Although I don’t categorize myself as a liberal, I do feel the need to come to the aid of those less-than-enthusiastic citizens among us.  I think trying to hold this country to a higher standard is far more patriotic than the endless cover-ups over at The Weekly Standard.  It’s not un-American to simply point out the fact: hey, we’re really starting to suck.   I think Christine Aguilera can work that into our anthem; she may have already.

 What exactly is real America still so jazzed about?  Is it the vulturistic feeding frenzy that passes as good business these days?  I know, I know, you like capitalism so much you need to receive telemarketing calls 24/7, right?  I love spam on my computer, at home, at the office, on the street, on the frigging fax machine…I can’t get enough of the stuff.  Oh, and I sent that 25 bucks to that royal prince who couldn’t access his overseas account, and what did I get?  Bupkis!  Damned royal princes. 

So you like the ponzi scheme our economy has become over the last few decades?  “The only thing that works is a free market,” said the mogul to the moron.  Even Glenn where’s-my-Zyprexa Beck agrees our economy is a ponzi scheme.   Are you proud of the fact the dollar died in November of 2008 and our President, a reasonably intelligent person, either isn’t telling us the truth or hasn’t figured that out?  Are you proud of the last throes of the U.S. dollar?  A currency that has no actual value anymore in this dimensional plane of existence?  Wait until it’s no longer the world currency…that’ll be a hoot.

Do you like how much influence and power lawyers have these days?  How TORT reform is only addressed by those not in power?  Don’t worry, that next group’ll fix those legal eagles, fer sure.   

This is a fun fact: more people die of doctors than guns these days.  Oh, I know what you’re so proud of: the fact the U.S. is 21st in literacy, and dropping…or how about 29th in infant mortality?  And how did the WHO manage to rank the #1 healthcare system in the world 37th? What does Roger Daltry know about medicine anyhow?  He just hopes he dies before he ge-ge-ge-gets old.

How about this gem: our species is designed to improve upon itself, yet, for the first time, America has actually become dumber in recent years, despite this evolutionary impulse.  Did you swell with pride reading that one?  Something swelled for me too, but it might just be because I’m writing this post in a vegan joint and I’m the only dude here.  Humanahumana-hummus.

Do you love a country that insists on John McCain’s tax cuts so he can buy his ninth house while his state attempts to cut off half its Medicaid recipients?  Build that fence high, John.  Not the one on the border, the one around your house. 

Are you proud of the fact that 40% of our population is still ready and willing to vote-in a person so grossly under qualified, she should not even head a PTA meeting, let alone a country?  Yeah, I’m talking to you, Snooki.

Or are you more proud of the fact we can’t trust the vast majority of our lawyers, our bankers, our brokers, our politicians?  You know what I think it is? It’s the complete illegitimacy of our media, that’s it!  Facts aren’t really facts anymore, data can be bent to absurdity, and nothing is even mentioned unless it supports some ideology or another.  I should start a blog.  I can prove anything now!  Comedian Jon Stewart was recently ranked the most trusted journalist on the left and, I’m sure the right will find someone equally trustworthy, someday.   Dennis Miller? 

Are you proud of the fact that the only group who covers up more rapes than our armed forces is our churches? Are you proud of our reality television personalities?  Are you proud of the fact Gerber products contain high amounts of high fructose corn syrup?  Largest waistlines in the world?  How did that happen?  Hmmm.

Are you proud that pharmaceutical research is geared toward endless symptom relief, not any genuine cures?  Are you proud of 100 years of psychotherapy and the world keeps getting sicker?  Yep, my field sucks too, but probably not as much as yours.

Are you proud that we’re not willing to change our lifestyles to save our environment (hint: it’s going to change drastically anyway).  And, yes, you can take that both ways: economy and environment.

Or is it that we dismantled the Bill of Rights and chose to embrace torture to defend our “principles”? On a related note, are you proud that our former president can’t travel abroad because he’s deemed a war criminal?  Oh, you can omit deemed, he’s an f-ing war criminal.

Are you proud that our way of life is subsidized by the continued exploitation of third world countries?

I tease America out of love.  There is lot of good in America, despite America…but sorry, those paying attention can see just how bad things have gotten in the last decade.  In fact, I was pointing it out long before most of my colleagues, who seem to have all the answers now.  Does this make me un-American?  I always mention 2003, that was really the beginning of the end for America.  You’ll never see what the Iraq War cost us on any graph over in the Fox lands.  It’s been effectively erased from all graphs and pie charts.  I felt pretty darn un-American for protesting on Shock & Awe day.  I had never been jeered at and had things hurled at me out of car windows before—well, not sober. 

And I have to say, I understand Michelle Obama’s “First time I was proud of America” moment a lot more than I understand Rumsfeld saying yesterday on Fox “I don’t think America has anything to apologize for.”  You don’t remember Abu Ghraib, Sunshine?  I think I’m sorry…for you.  Likewise, I feel Michael Moore’s somewhat exaggerated attack on capitalism is closer to the mark than the Fox Business News version.   And, yes, I’ll take the Colbert Nation over Hannity’s America every time.  Does that make me a liberal?  Sorry, I think that makes me observant.

Subatomic Particles Protest Outside of LHC

Subatomic Particles Protest Outside of LHC

Geneva, SZThe Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is under siege at this hour. Spurred on by events in Tunisia and Egypt, billions and billions of subatomic particles have gathered outside the facility to protest the murder and unfair treatment of subatomic life. Many even blame the accelerator’s initial technical problems on such miniscule dissidents.  One con-CERN-ing possibility involves the offspring of a futuristic subatomic particle actually going back in time to sabotage the collider.  More on the Terminator Particle theory here.

“How would you like to be chilled to near absolute zero, hurled through a circular tube, and then smashed  into one of your family members at near light-speeds?!” said a neutrino, who chose to remain unstable. “Mad scientists forced my own mother into an accelerator and for what, to discover some plasma like pre-matter?  Is that really worth the loss of subatomic life?”

Spanning across the width of a pinhead, protestors at LHC hoisted tiny signs that read Life Begins in our Interstellar Nurseries and Star Stuff is People Too.  One quark had a sign that read Don’t Tread on Me or Bombard Me at Near Light Speeds, MFs!  Some even compared NASA’s head, Charles Bolden, to Hitler. 

“It’s bad enough we have to worry about beta decay and gamma emissions, but be sacrificed to the research gods?!” lamented one lepton. “If they don’t close this bitch down, we’re going to decay it brick by brick. Remember, we out number you 10100000000000000000000000 to one.  Did I mention my family has connections to dark matter?”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the difference between psychokinesis and telepathy?  And which, if any, have the shaman mastered?

Chad

San Fernando, CA

Dear Chad,

The spelling is totally different, for one.  Duh.  Shamans have mastered both, of course, which makes us psycho-pathic, as my rap sheet will attest.  To prove what I say, I want you to look at this card, drawn at random from an unfettered deck of 52.  Don’t tell me what it is.

Now I am going to concentrate on this card…(almost forgot my bongos).  OK…wait for it…

Is this your card?

The Ghetto Shaman

PETA Rebuttal: All U.S. Beef from Free-Range Cattle

L. Wolfe

PETA has argued for years people should boycott meat, especially beef, because of the widespread inhumane treatment of the cattle.  These animals are allegedly caged or housed in overcrowded, dirty holding pens for their entire lives, much like Discord staffers.  I recently interviewed Angus Fleischflanker of Beef.org regarding allegations made by PETA.  The following is an actual transcript from that actual interview that actually happened sometime in the actual past:

L. Wolfe: In your recent PETA rebuttal, you have indicated that all beef cattle in the U.S. are actually free range animals, and that these allegations by are simply another in a long line of misinformation, slander, and frivolous nudity to gain publicity.

Fleischflanker: Yeah, that’s right.  We categorically deny all of these false accusations and condemn such slander in the strongest possible terms, especially the nudity part.  We here at beef.org are proud of the product we provide to the American people, and we care for our animals.  That includes the 36 million we humanely and lovingly put down each year to serve our customers, the American people. 

L. Wolfe: What’s one example of your ethical treatment of these animals?

Fleischflanker: For starters, we give each one a name, and that shows how much we care.

L. Wolfe: You give each of the 36 million cows a name?

Fleischflanker:  Yes.  For instance, that one over there is eighteen-thousand-six-hundred-forty-five.  And this little one here is two-hundred-sixty-thousand-fourteen.

L. Wolfe: Oh yes, I see, and they each have their own little ear tags with their names printed right on them.

Fleischflanker: Yes, we spared no expense.

L. Wolfe: And how about this “free-range” issue?  You indicated previously all U.S. Cattle are free range?  I’m looking over this herd behind us and their pretty tightly packed from the looks of things.

Fleischflanker:  Sure, to the casual observer.  But look, there’s plenty of room underneath and around the legs (points).

L. Wolfe:  But are they truly free range?

Fleischflanker: Yes, our animals are all free range animals.  It’s just that their ranges are very small, comparatively speaking.

L. Wolfe:  There’s always been plenty of concern about meat plants in general.  If you had to cite one thing where you feel the meat industry could improve, what would that be?

Fleischflanker: Umm, I guess the name “meat plant” is somewhat contradictory. 

L. Wolfe:  …like an oxymoron?

Fleischflanker: No, I don’t like it at all, really…but no reason to resortin’ to name calling. 

Suffice to say, the interview went downhill from there. For me, as a journalist, it was kind of like being in Egypt and I was Anderson Cooper’s face.  Of course, there were no pyramids but lots of free range humpless camels everywhere.  Winslow really doesn’t pay us enough for this manure.

Canarsie Couple Resurrects Stone Age Fertility Ritual

Canarsie Couple Resurrects Stone Age Fertility Ritual

Brooklyn, NY—You’ve heard of No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn?  Well, one Brooklyn couple is saying no sleeping together ‘til the male adorns the elk antlers and the woman completes the ovulation chant with a gefilte fish draped over her shoulder.  The Maranuchi’s of Canarsie have resorted to such practices after Fran Maranuchi failed to conceive after three months of what Tony Maranuchi describes as “arduous schtupping.”

“We were out of options,” said Tony.  “We don’t want people to think this was the first thing we tried, or nothin’.”

Distraught, Fran turned her sights to the past. 

“There’s just so much that ancestral knowledge can teach us. For instance, I had no idea ripping out the still beating heart of a virgin can appease the God of the Harvest for an entire growing season.”

At first Mrs. Maranuchi tried running naked through the fields singing the ‘Seed me Earth Mother’ song.

“But you’d be surprised how few fields we have here in Canarsie,” said Fran.

Then Mr. Maranuchi tried carving a bull horn into a Cretan phallus symbol, while rubbing his manhood with a prepared musk seed oil.

“I know symbolic sexual acts with figurines and incense sounds a little weird, but…”

Mr. Maranuchi never finished that sentence.  

In other news: the body of a young woman was found in Canarsie earlier today.  Her heart was ripped from her chest and her remains were positioned in what appears to be an ancient pagan sacrifice to the God of the Harvest.