Happy Crankipendence Day: for those who Give a Shit

The Crank

Spiro T. Agnew was right thirty some odd years ago.  He called it how he saw it. The “Press” and its Liberal/Progressive lemmings are exactly what he said they were, “Effete intellectual snobs.”  He got his ass handed to him in a mayonnaise jar for that—only he was right on the money.

Harvard—that bastion of knowledge that teaches you how to talk, not how to do—just released a ‘study’ that, in effect, stated those who ‘subject’ their children to Fourth of July activities are harboring future Republican/Conservatives, which amounts to mind control and a form of indoctrination. After I saw the results of the study, and after the hrroid rage finally subsided (different type of rroids, from a different part of the body), I felt sadness. It has finally come full circle. If you love your country, and show it, you are a bad person. I have two words for this study…ASS HATS.  You know, like those people who take up two parking spaces at the mall, ASS HATS.

My own family members have stated to me that that’s one of the things they most hate about Conservative / Republicans is that they “wrap themselves in the flag, like they are the only ones allowed.”

To that I say, “I am not bogarting the flag, sir, you haven’t once said ‘gee could I wave that for a while?’”

You could, you know, you really just don’t seem to want to. New concept, “you can love your country without loving who is or isn’t in power.”

Obama handed congress its ass for wanting to take the “Fourth” off. He said they had better work through it until their job is done. He then waved as he boarded Marine One for a golf and family weekend—you know, with the daughters who he doesn’t know their ages. ASSHAT.

When I was a child, everyone loved and celebrated the fourth, Dems and Repubs alike. It was just what you did. Note to anyone who doesn’t love this country enough to show the kids what it’s all about, either move or get elected and change things. Sitting cross legged on the Adirondack chair by the poolside bitching about social injustice is just what got Europe into trouble. When they finally went belly-up, they asked the E.U.(Germany) for bail out Deutschmarks.

Angela Merkel of Germany said it best, “If you want Germany to come to your rescue, you had better start working as hard as we do.”

Imagine that…actually work for your money…what a concept.

Rich people who worship at the altar of socialism are the used car salesmen of our time. They expect you to believe what they say, even though they got all their money the old fashioned way, Capitalism. No one gave it to them. Only the true “educated” of our country are stupid enough not to see it.

Were our founding dudes perfect?  No, but they seem a whole lot smarter than today’s experts.

Happy Friggin’ Fourth!

The Crank

Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign

Palin to Donate Frontal Lobes to Bachmann Campaign

Wasilla, AK—Earlier today Sarah Palin announced her intentions to donate the parts of her brain associated with higher executive function to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.  The two are believed to have made a pact that if only one should run for president, the other would donate her grey matter to the cause.  Palin and Bachmann will undergo a controversial procedure previously only accomplished in film and television. 

“They will be an unstoppable force,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill.   “Just think of it…the petty, childlike cognitions of Palin enhancing the flaky, almost psychotic neural misfirings of Bachmann.  They’ll be the perfect Republican candidate!”

Scores of flag waving morons are already gathering around Palin’s old Wasilla home with pitchforks and torches of encouragement.  Palin spent the last several hours reminding the mob, via megaphone, that her brain should only be removed at the time of the transfer by proper licensed neurocosmotologists.

The Daily Discord covered a similar story in June of 2008.   Their controversial coverage involved the conjoined Obama/Hillary ticket, O’Hillary.  Sadly, the Discord staff has yet to come up with an appropriate name for the conjoined ticket of Senators Al Franken and Diane Feinstein.

Hereto nameless recombination of Franken and Feinstein

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How is making issues of spirituality murkier and cloudier helping anyone?  You bring darkness to enlightenment.

Genpo T

Dear Genpo,

You need to do two things to move into the light of cosmic understanding, my friend.  First, contemplate the sound of one cheek farting.  Do this for a year and then read one of my first works: Demystifying Mysticism through Mumbo Jumbo.  If that doesn’t clear things up, I don’t know what will.

The Ghetto Shaman

Made in the Shade Brew Fest: Bring Sunscreen

Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Brew Fests…what are they?  Why would someone attend these things?  What are the inherent dangers?  They don’t want you to know any of this, but I think the information in this post is crucial.  Here are ten simple rules that can save your life at such an event.  So let’s go do the hop.

Made in the Shade is one of the most prominent Brew Fests in all of Northern Arizona, not to mention one of the only ones.  This year, under blue and unforgiving Arizona skies, it occurred on Saturday June 25th. For some history on the event, Google it…I never do my homework.  Truth be told, I haven’t been to any Brew Fests in a long time—not since the 2007 Boston “incident”. Actually, the advice to avoid these things came from a slew of doctors, law enforcement officials and close personal attorneys.  Kidding, it came from other people who have gone to brew festivals with me.

Frisbee Totter

Rule #1: Don’t bring this guy.  I did.  And I think it’s important the rest of you don’t.  Kidding, he’s a lot of fun—but, all the same, don’t do it.

Rule #2: When attending any festival called Made in the Shade bring copious amounts of sunscreen; there was no shade whatsoever.  The only break I got from the sun was when I was lucky enough to pass out underneath the salsa bar.  By the way, great salsa! I wish I could remember the brand…er, I wish I could remember any of the details of the event, but that’s brew festivals for you.

Rule #3: Scope the place out and go directly to the best area first.  In this case it was the Carlsbad connection—Lost Abbey and Stone Brewing were in the same corner.  While everyone is getting on line for Podunk Pale Ale and Lowtide Lager, you’re sipping a double abbey, which segues nicely to Rule #4.

Lost Abbey

Rule #4: You don’t always have to rush.  In the picture at left, it’s tough to tell, but the woman on the left is serving Podunk Pale Ale.  Notice that line curving onward to the horizon?  The woman on the right is serving our silver medal winner for the day’s event, Lost Abbey’s Dubble.  Yes, we waited on the wrong line for ten minutes before we realized there was no actual line for the good stuff.  Not a soul.  Sad but brew.

Rule #5: Perhaps the biggest pitfall is this: they trick you into playing games.  This is important.  Remember, you have long lines to contend with and only four hours to taste.  But, despite my mission, I found myself trying to hit a bowling-pin-shaped thing off a pole with a Frisbee.  Sometime around my 75th agonizing toss I realized this is all a diversion!  “Follow the shiny ball Mr. Beer Taster guy.  Step right up, everybody’s a winner.”  Well, not this time, bitches…   I put the Frisbee down and remembered what I was there to do.  Oooooo, ring toss!!

Porta Potty

Rule #6: Never ever bring a camera…mine barely made it out alive, especially after I jumped that chain link fence.  Besides, the longer into these fests one gets the more unfathomable your pictures become (see right).

Rule #7: Make sure your tetanus shot is up to date after climbing that rusty chain link fence…you know, that fence you climbed for reasons you don’t quite remember.

Rule #8: There is no rule #8.   There was a rule number eight at one point, but this is also the nature of the beast at such events.

Viking Helmet

Rule #9: You need to bring a Viking helmet.  There is nothing cooler at a Brew Fest than a Viking helmet.  This is one of the eternal truths.

Rule #10: Always have a designated driver.  For this fest I designated the guy holding the two beers with the Frisbee on his head.   Always a safe bet.

The winner of the Made in the Shade festival was an imperial stout from Squatters Brewery in Salt Lake City, Utah.  It’s called Outer Darkness, which is coincidentally also what I named my hangover the next day.  It pains me to crown this brewery king as I was thrown out of that joint about 15 years ago.   I still blame Shag for that one.  It helps to blame…it really does.  Hey, maybe that should be rule #11?  Blame Shag.  Until next time, be careful out there, so they’re not playing taps after you’ve been hitting those taps.  And whatever you do, don’t get distracted—oooo, ring toss!

Discord Apology XXXIV

Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has not had to do one of these retraction/apology thingies in quite some time.  We sincerely hope this is a reflection of our more stringent internal checks and a greater emphasis on journalistic integrity.  Having said that, here are a few recent missteps for which we hope to atone for today.

Our headline Vegans Line Up for New Prime Rib Buffet should have read Las Vegans.

On the day bin Laden was killed, our initial marquee statement Obama bin Biden is Osama! may have led to increased confusion on the matter.  In our defense, we were very excited by the news and quite inebriated.

Our headline Sperm Whale Discovered in Egg Harbor by Local Seaman turned out to be inaccurate, at best, and our Perfect Breasts Discovered at Mall! headline turned out to be falsies as well. 

I would also like to make it clear the Ghetto Shaman’s column does not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of this important ezine.  The man is not at all well and should probably seek some type of professional help.  On that note, what the hell is the Tao of Skull Fucking anyway?!

Fantasy Characters Living Through Real Apocalypses Protest Fake End of Days

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Fantasy Adventuring Characters Team or F.A.C.T.s has lodged a formal complaint against, “All nay sayers, doom mongers, rapture renegers and end of dayers.”  Those who have survived real fictional apocalypses are not at all impressed with these endless prophetic false alarms.

There’s always some loser with a Sinner Repent sign and where has it gotten them?  FACTs wanted to get the real story from real apocalypse savvy fictional characters.

First, we caught up Elric of Melnibone, from the Elric Saga, who said, “Your petty apocalypses would not keep me from opening a second bottle of dragon blood wine or slaughtering a trusted friend. When your world sees the Armies of Chaos transform an entire continent into undulating entropy, then you’ll get my attention.”

Harry Potter was unavailable for comment, because it was half-price, topless centaur massage day over at Dagon Alley.

His friend, Ron Weasley, did have this comment, “Bloody hell, Voldemort is about to annihilate everything and you muggles are worried about your cable being shut off during some nonsensical rapture? Oh, I feel so sorry for you wankers. Piss off.”

We tried to interview Frodo Baggins, but the whole Fellowship was in Rohan, helping Bilbo sign up for a 28-day program to help him kick his ‘Hobbit Herb’ addiction.  Oh, and his sponsor is suggesting he stay away from “ganja-boy” Gandalf.

We were able to get an audience with Tom Sawyer, quite accidentally.

“Don’t know about them Apocalypses, and such. I guess it’s when God gets real mad, like when Becky pinched me when I painted her hair fire station red. Say, wanna help me paint some fun stuff, fer just a nickel?”

I was forced to press on alone after my driver and photographer stopped to help Tom paint his fence.

I tracked down Neo, from the Matrix, who added, “I was born into an apocalypse of such horrifying proportions—rare is the human mind that can comprehend it, but, in a pinch, those birthing pods make really great Jacuzzis! The other day Trinity and I broke into one and—” 

As I limped on I soon spotted Jack Primus and asked him if living in a foul world filled with supernatural serial killers makes him angry at all these fake doomsday predictors.

“It sure as hell does! After all of this crying wolf, you guys won’t be ready when it really hits the fan.  Oh, and it will hit said fan.  Meanwhile, times are tough…‘fact, I’d be willing to trade you this ‘war axe’ for a pitcher of ale and a cheese steak.”

I tried to find John Conner, but one Terminator model finally wised up and just blew him and his preschool to kingdom come.  I did manage to catch up with Mad Max, but when I mentioned those ‘end of day’ preachers, he went on an anti-Semitic rant, so I had to put him down. 

I’m not sure what we learned interviewing real apocalypse survivors—well, real fictional ones, but we did learn one thing: you can get a really cool war axe cheap these days.  Oh, and my partner never did make it back.  After painting Sawyer’s fence he made the mistake of trying to interview Cthulhu for this post….never do that.

Palin Announces Exit Strategy

Palin Announces Exit Strategy

Sarah Palin and her family have pulled out of Dodge and have taken their One Nation bus tour back to the frozen north.  She told the press today, “Progress against progressives has been made.”  She is still leaving behind areas along the coasts that remain “safe harbors for liberal thought.”

“This isn’t over by a long shot,” said Palin, who then made several other gun references not meant to be taken literally. 

Palin’s bus tour exit strategy involved taking route 90 West all the way to 5 North and then on through enemy socialist territory before arriving back in real America.  Palin denies living north of the Land of Misfit Toys and refused to answer any more of the Discord’s questions.

Palin claims to have ended the bus tour after being selected for jury duty.  Critics argue this proves she is not smart enough to get out of jury duty.  When questioned about the recent poll showing how 7 out of 10 Americans feel Palin’s bus tour is heading in the wrong direction, Palin spewed more of those gun references.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

OK, I almost buy this overcoming fear with beer stuff, but can you explain any of this shit without trying to sell me a book?  Oh, and who are the Zen Carnes?

Oceal

Dear Oceal,

Of course I can explain it without trying to sell you a book.  Consider one of my new audio CDs, Change Your Thinking through Drinking.  And, if you act right now, I’ll make mine a double.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I was raised by Zen Carnes, but I don’t like to talk about it. 

Climate Change, Global Weirding, and the Universally Wrong

Mick Zano

I’m only going to address the climate change piece from your recent rebuttal, Mr. Crank.  Republicans would have to officially lay me off, permanently, to muster the time and energy required to address your other “points.”  You see, there are two types of thinking on your end of the aisle, the first kind kills economies and the second kind kills planets (to channel Dr. Seuss, we’ll call them Thing One and Thing Two) and the whole Thing Two, planet destroying thing is where I draw the line. 

Now, I’m being facetious here, because, as we all know, no one is smart enough to be wrong all the time—although the right seems to be breaking new ground in this area. The Crank calls them “Warmers”…for the rest, just consider them “Birthers” with brains.  Back in 2009, a poll showed 97% of active climatologists agreed human activity is contributing to global warming.

Granted, this is back in 2009, since then a few more scientists have converted (hint: I’m trying to help). Scientists remain overwhelmingly warmers, yet public opinion is swaying elsewhere.  But even if it was 50/50—if only half the scientists in the world thought we were permanently screwing ourselves—I ask again, why would you want to roll those dice?  Haven’t you watched any Godzilla movies?  Forget the weather for a moment, or Godzilla for that matter. FACT: most marine biologists and people with HD Discovery agree the ocean reefs are dying and we are fishing our oceans dry.  Oh, and 99% of scientists believe we’re amidst a mass extinction.  There are lots of reasons to curb pollution—the very real possibility of accelerating climate change just happens to be one of them. 

So you’re really OK with business as usual? Rolling back forty years of EPA regulations?  Of course you are; it’s all part of the programming. As you said, this is a time when all statistics “can’t be trusted,” so in this fuzzy fact-less void called America, let’s believe the one pie chart funded by Dr. Evil.  Great plan.  Here’s the right’s argument in a nutshell:

“Hey, if we keep polluting, there’s a statistically significant chance we won’t all die.”

—C. Montgomery Burns

Come on, you’re smarter than this. Or so I thought. Even if 10% of our scientists thought we were heading for trouble, shouldn’t we consider the dangers? That’s the difference for me… there’s just too much at stake to ignore this problem, even if I’m wrong.  Do you have any idea how long it would take for your stock options to recover from a two million year Earth-inhabitability issue (EII)? 

EII, we don’t create the products destroying our world, we represent the huge swaths of time when only insects will survive on the planet during said interim period. 

Republicans don’t and won’t give a shit until it impacts their stock options, which is certainly part of why people with foresight think they’re dangerously shortsighted—the rest involves Sarah “the British are Irish” Palin. 

You should go back and reread my initial post on global warming because, in keeping with your theme, you’ve missed all of my major points.  Well, at least you’re consistent.  Let’s put all of your posts on the subject in a time capsule for future generations…oh wait, there won’t be any.  Maybe cockroaches can dig it up at some point.  They should be able to decipher our language in another 50 million years or so.  Then they’ll have that good laugh you keep mentioning.  Hey, some of your Twinkies might still be around!  

Here’s the quote from the last Crank post, “Yeah, the whole global warming thing, well a new study from NASA, as well as one from a British university, now show the Sun is entering a ‘quiet stage.'”

Really?  I think inquiring minds would like to know, when the hell are you going to enter a quiet stage?

Interesting, though, but what you said is not quite accurate. True, the sun has been very active over the last 50 years or so, and that it has been unusually quiet for the last few. However, this does not indicate a potential ice age. This suggests, as happened back in 1859, that we’re in some pretty shit now man. The article I read stated that “Senior space agency scientists believe the Earth will be hit with unprecedented levels of magnetic energy from solar flares after the Sun wakes ‘from a deep slumber’ sometime around 2013,” and that this “could cause catastrophic consequences for the world’s health, emergency services and national security unless precautions are taken.” That doesn’t sound quite like a mini ice age cooling off global warming to me, but I digress.

Great Pacific Garbage Patch
Nothing to see here in the North Pacific Gyre

The liberal media pushes all global warming data, while Fox and Matt Drudge only highlight ‘there’s nothing to see here’ shit. Hearing you, Glenn Beck, and the Sean Hannity espouse wisdom on the subject of Earth Science is kind of like getting your medical advice from Dr. Demento (which I do…so bad example).  But Dr. D, am I really going to need to have my dead puppies Yankoviched?

As usual, the only “evidence” the Republicans can muster doesn’t even make sense (for an example, see any Crank feature).  I too have cited data and opinions that have questioned global warming.

One of my heroes, integralist Ken Wilber, once said, “The data just isn’t there to support global warming.”

I have mentioned this and more.  When have you, Mr. Crank, ever left even the faintest hint you might be wrong about something?  I haven’t seen it…well, I’ve seen the results…but, don’t worry, your defense mechanisms are cleaning up your messes, almost instantly, through the magic of cognitive dissonance.

OK, I’ll bite…soooo what do the natural stages of the sun have to do with anything?  Why don’t we focus on the things we can change, like the American Idol finalists? Here’s something we recite before all Discord meetings, it’s called the Serenity Post:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to ignore all Crank posts. 

Sorry, but I’m not ready to fund the ‘ship the glaciers to cool the sun’ project, but we can stop poisoning the planet, any time now.  Also, an ice age is often the result of global warming, aka, the Hannity fallacy.  You make fun of me for not knowing the alternative version of Paul Revere’s ride (as seen on Wiki “reality-changing” pedia), yet you don’t understand how global warming can trigger an ice age? 

Stage 1: Polar ice caps melt

Stage 2: Oceans lose salinity (salt)

Stage 3: Ocean currents stop

Stage 4: No warm water currents circulating = ice age 

This is 7th grade stuff…you know, when you were busy learning how Paul Revere’s true story involved, “I’m warning the British! I’m warning the British!”

I know, I keep making the points for you, as you say, while you keep ignoring the large one at the top of your head.  I hate to go off on a tangent here, but did you actually see Palin’s deer-in-the-headlights answer to this basic revolutionary question? Well, I did.

“He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms.”   

– Sarah Palin

I don’t think all the Who’s in Wiki-changing-pediaville could alter the fact she’s one of the most ridiculous candidates in the history of our…I’m kidding, most of your candidates are ridiculous.

Sorry for climate changing the subject.  So here’s some of that math I never took again: let’s say Al Gore and his ilk are politicizing global warming (which I think they are)…let’s also say it’s impacting the opinion of 15% of those scientists polled (a guess) and then let’s say Fox and their ilk are only influencing opinion about 5% in the other direction (hint: I’m being kind), so let’s take that original 97% of all those climate peeps (the ones who think mankind is impacting climate), then let’s subtract the difference between the two propaganda teams, say 10%?  So we are left with 87% of climatologists agreeing that mankind is speeding up our demise (almost 9 out of 10).  But hey, that one guy might be right, eh?  In fact, I’ll bet he’s very far right and has stock options with C. Montgomery Burns…excellent. 

Maybe you should read my posts before you respond, instead of just feeding them into that Heritage Group translator of yours.

Hey, Mikko, Stop Blowing Wind up My Ass

The Crank

I am hereby demanding the Palin misogyny stop. I know it’s OK to make fun of hot looking conservative women. Of course, this is complicated by the fact that most liberal progressive women look like The Oak Ridge Boys with titties, so I guess that’s why you do what you do, never getting to wax political with a hot babe. Also, it’s just not funny. Especially when you involve her harming her children, which is also OK for you, I guess. A real laugh riot, Mikko. It is exactly the type of reaction that is ringing the death knell for liberal politics. You all are doing it to yourselves. And I am standing on the sidelines with a Coke and some pasta, laughing my furry beige ass off.

Palin, unlike yourself, actually finished college and got a degree in only four years! Imagine that, not taking that year off for International Beer Studies. I didn’t realize they had a 5 ½ year degree in ‘Beer and the Internet’ till yours. She also beat out a long time ice encrusted Governor, a favorite of the people. Oh yeah, she also told the oil companies where they could go if they didn’t toe the line. Alaska is in a great financial position directly because of her not taking shit from the oil companies.

You know what is the funniest part of the latest in Palin bashing? The whole Revere ride thing. She is correct. Just read the book “The True Story of Paul Revere,” by Charles Gettemy. I bet you also thought that Revere actually said “The British are coming”. No one learns history in school anymore, the teachers today are way too busy teaching socialism, union policy, and anti American hate (see Tucson) to have any time for anything else. And the problem isn’t going away by throwing taxpayer dollars at it. Japan does a lot more with a lot less. Hell, schools in the sixties did a lot more with a lot less. The emphasis on math and science is being blamed because of No Child Left Stupid. Bullshit.  Look, in the sixties we learned all three, math science and U.S and World history. Alright four, all four things. Damn that higher math again. Today, when it comes to the school administrators’ compensation gravy train, it’s more like “No Bureaucrat Left Behind?”

No mainstream media outlet will admit to any of this, but it’s all OK. You see, you can make fun of Palin all day, it only fortifies our position, that you are either ignorant of history (which is possible, considering European pubs don’t teach all that much U.S. history), or you are all really scared diaperless of her, as you should be. You see, I don’t want her as President. I want her as Energy Secretary. But, the more you make fun of her, the more I want to see her as President, so your head will explode like that scanners dude. I told you Mik, paybacks are a bitch—even a Bitch one may want to bang like a screen door in a category five twister.  Sorry, that was sexist, omit that Winslow.

As for the deficit, a stronger economy is the only way to lessen it. New taxes have never worked. Ever.  When Ronald Regan first lowered the tax rates, federal income from taxes went up bigtime. The reason the deficit didn’t shrink was that the Democratic controlled Congress spent it as fast as it came in. Fact. After 911, Bush’s cuts ended a recession in months. If he hadn’t followed this up by spending money like a drunken Democrat, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in now.  We are now 3+ years into this one. The more this idiot Obama tries to regulate by edict, the more frustrated businesses become, the less they hire. We don’t need any new laws, we need someone with the balls to enforce the ones we have. There were enough laws on hand during the beginning of the latest recession to stop it in its tracks. No one enforced them. Not Bawney or Chris, or the S.E.C. The only one doing his job at the time was Elliott (I ain’t no Weiner) Spitzer in New York as Attorney General.  He made the corporate and banking bigwigs do the perpwalk. He then fucked it all up, and the only one watching the store was now history.

As for the whole Bush thing Mikko, I read yesterday that everyone that gave $500k to Obama’s election (called bundlers) got big government positions. Officially, more in two years than Bush did in eight years, way more. This is the exact thing Obama rallied against in his campaign speeches. He is a liar and a fraud. Obama is the arrogant Butthead to Bush’s Beevis and is the worst person at the worst time for America. In today’s news it tells that his own counsel told him he needed Congressional approval for Libya, and he ignored him—just like he ignored his own bipartisan jobs council’s advice. In approving the DOJ to take Boeing to court over a union thing only proves that. Do they realize that if they were to actually win this lawsuit, the ramifications are mind boggling? All businesses that start up will never do so in a union state, they will become wastelands, and the ones already there will now move overseas. It could mean an end to our way of life altogether. I’m sorry, even Rosetta Stone couldn’t get me to speak Mandarin. You will see rice wine come out of the noses of the Chinese when I ask, “Where can I rent some vegetables?” (an inside joke with Mick).

Old Hotwheels himself, Steven Hawking, couldn’t find the amount of care Obama has for jobs. He is frozen by his ideology. Not having ever earned a real living in his life, he has nothing else to compare anything to. Kinda like you. Obama has recently stated that automation, like ATMs, is responsible for the high unemployment. The ATM union is not amused. ATMs across the country vow to strike. No more money vomited out, no money to spend. Doomed!

I want the government to do as little as possible, and improve the way it does what it should be doing, like enforcing the borders. It has been proven time and time again that the U.S government can’t run anything well. The U.S Post Office will indeed go bankrupt soon, as it should, and be privatized. This past week, FEMA sent a letter to a homeowner in Joplin, stating that his home, now without walls or roof or floor, is not damaged enough to warrant financial help. I do not want these people running a lemonade stand, much less my healthcare.

Oh yeah, the whole global warming thing, well a new study from NASA, as well as one from a British university, now show the Sun is entering a “quiet stage” as she has before, and the upper atmosphere is actually cooling. Nature don nid no steenkeeng badges, she do what she please. I guess if we are to keep warm, we should start to fart ourselves silly. According to the studies, if the Sun gets any quieter, a mini Ice Age may be in our future. And I was so looking forward to the accepted semi-nudity the whole Global Warming thing. Oh well, can’t have it all.

Well, time for some Twinkies and a float in the pool.

Layta

Crank

Government Contracts with Tornado Hunters

Government Contracts with Tornado Hunters

Tulsa, OK—A team of mercenaries, calling themselves V.O.R.T.E.X, is working closely with Homeland Security to combat a rash of severe weather that has been plaguing parts of the U.S. in recent months.

The group is currently staked out near Tulsa Oklahoma in a makeshift trailer park designed to lure in some of these sinister super cells. When asked what VORTEX stands for, VORTEX President, Tim Yotes, replied, “We haven’t thought of the entire acronym yet, but the T stands for tornado.”

The Obama Administration claims to have hired VORTEX to fight the perception that Obama is soft on weather.

“Last time the twisters struck, I was in London,” said Obama.  “I got caught with my britches down, so to speak.  Now we’re sending a strong message, FU to all those F2s.”

When asked about the logic of using guns to capture or kill tornadoes, Obama said, “This group does this sort of thing all the time.  Let’s leave the tactics to the professionals.”

Obama is not currently endorsing VORTEX’s second strategy, which involves a giant field version of naked twister.

“I don’t follow that one,” said Obama, but he later admitted that “no options are off the table.”  

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I accidentally found your work entitled Inspiring Women to Heel.  You control freak sicko! 

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

Thank you for the feedback.  Actually, Sicko was by Michael Moore.  Your confusion stems from having read book 2 first, is all.  Please read Acceptance and Surrender: Why I Insist the Women in My Life Understand These. Only then will you master the Tao of Skull Fucking.

The Ghetto Shaman

Steel Reinforced “Storm Shelters” Found to be Hoax in Heartland

Steel Reinforced "Storm Shelters" Found to be Hoax in Heartland

Fort Smith, OK—Dave “Pa” Jenkins is in a deep mound of shit today after he was discovered selling tornado shelters that, under closer scrutiny, turned out to be porta-potties.   Jenkins has been selling these single units as steel reinforced storm shelters throughout tornado alley over the last several months.

“This isn’t funny,” said Joseph Quimby, mayor of an undisclosed Midwestern town. “He’s preying off twister-weary folk.  And I want my money back!”

An individual who actually rode out a storm in one of these “shelters” was unavailable for comment, but he is being treated by a local community mental health center for Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Despite the growing controversy, Jenkins is standing by his product, “Look, you’re safe from debris in there; you can’t argue with that.  Well, safe-ish.”

Jenkins is also wanted for the unlawful sale of some similarly designed, Dr. Who-style time machines.

“I call them the FARTIS,” said Jenkins. “They’re much bigger on the inside, and they double as a storm shelter.”