Man Sentenced to Barrage of Good & Plentys, Jujubes, and Popcorn after Failing to Place Phone on Vibrate during Spy Kids 4

Man Sentenced to Barrage of Good & Plentys, Jujubes, and Popcorn after Failing to Place Phone on Vibrate during Spy Kids 4

Miami, FL—One J.J. Evans of Hallandale stated he was “in the can” when the announcement came reminding patrons to please turn down all cell phones during the film.  Thirty-seven minutes later, just as one of the Spy Kids was about to do something truly amazing, Mr. Evans’ Samsung started blaring Snoop Dogg’s ringtone rendition of Nuttin but a “G” Thang

“It was my girlfriend,” claimed Mr. Evans.  “She was just reminding me to unfriend my wife on Facebook.”

Audience members believe Mr. Evans had plenty of time to correct his mistake but chose not to.  “It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had gone with Death to Weezy or something from Doggystyle,” said one movie goer and Snoop fan.  “That would have bought the moron at least a few more seconds.”

Since the incident, Mr. Evans is still suffering from PTCSD (Post Theatric Concession Stand Disorder).  After barely surviving the movie treat onslaught, Evans is still suffering from what he describes as headaches, humiliation fatigue, and a greasy unwashable stickiness. He can’t even smell buttery popcorn now without retching uncontrollably.  Evans described the assault as being reminiscent of “a bad mother fucking day at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.” 

Mr. Evans is planning to file a lawsuit against Regal Theaters as well as “that little bitch with the Jujubes.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Halloween is coming up and what do you think is the most likely costume to get me laid? Just curious.

Terri

Dear Just Curious,

If you are a female, I would go with a Wonder Woman costume. But, if you decide to go with this theme, don’t try to make-it in your invisible airplane; this is the age of cell phone cameras. If you are a male I would go with a Ghetto Shaman mask. These are available wherever fine Ghetto Shaman masks are sold. If you are a male that likes to hang out at certain clubs, I would go with the Wonder Woman costume. Again, watch the Boeing buggery.

Sin-beerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

He Rode a Blazing Deficit

He Rode a Blazing Deficit
The Crank

In retrospect, as I watched the Circus Minimus, a.k.a. the debt ceiling debacle, my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do without Ritalin.  Can there really be this many ideologically enslaved people all in one place? Do they really think we believe the talking points anymore?  Then it all came into raging clarity as I watched Blazing Saddles for the 367th time last night.  I don’t mean to offend with this culturally insensitive material.  It’s Mel Brooks’ fault, honest.  If you want to really be offended, check out one of my regular features.

1. First came the congeniality:
“Some more entitlements, Mr. Taggert?” “I’d say you’d had about enough!”
“Some more entitlements, Mr. Taggert?”
“I’d say you’d had about enough!”
2. Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!
“We the white God-fearing citizens of real America wish to express our extreme displeasure with your lack of spending cuts.”
“We the white God-fearing citizens of real America wish to express our extreme displeasure with your lack of spending cuts.”
3. The votes to raise the debt ceiling are still not there:
“I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Independents!”
“I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs,thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Independents!
4. When it still looks bleak:
“Gentlemen, we need to save our phony baloney jobs.”
“Gentlemen, we need to save our phony baloney jobs.”
5. Another plan emerges:
“Someone go back to Congress and get a whole shit load of Dems.”
“Someone go back to Congress and get a whole shit load of Dems.”
6. Democrats regroup:
“Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that tax revenue: the rightful owners. Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our DOW. Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.”
“Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that tax revenue: the rightful owners. Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our Dow. Just 24 hours, that’s all I ask.”
7. Dems start to show their frustration:
“That’s Hedley!!”
“That’s Hedley!!”
8. More side show distractions:
“Where all the white women at?”
“Where da white women at?”
9. Then the ax fell for some:
“They lose me after the bunker scene.”
“They lose me after the bunker scene.”
10. Still another lousy plan emerges:
“Elementary, cactus head.”
“Elementary, cactus head.”
“My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of expensive alternatives.”
“My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of expensive alternatives.”
11. Republicans are stunned:
“More spending? Investing in infrastructure? What will that asshole think of next?”
“More spending?  Investing in infrastructure?  What will that asshole think of next?”
12. Reverend Al Sharpton and God intervene:
"Oh Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty debt raising mission? Or are we just jerking off?"
“Oh Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty debt raising mission? Or are we just jerking off?”
13. Hooray!  The Debt ceiling is raised.  We live to spend another day!!!!
“I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the west… wherever people cry out for justice.”
“I’m needed wherever outlaws rule the west…wherever people cry out for justice.”
BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bachmann Lured through Hellish Nether Portal

Bachmann Lured through Hellish Nether Portal

Waterloo, IA—Using the Neconicon, an ancient conservative grimorie, four brave progressives coaxed Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, back into the hellish alternate Universe from whence she came. 

“It’s truly over,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna.   “One of the key demonic forces in politics is gone forever.”

Eyewitnesses claim Bachmann was lured to a pre-designated location by setting up a mock LBGTQ Facebook Meetup group in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. 

“With the elections closing in, Iowa was the obvious choice,” said the lead political exorcist, a man who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Her hometown made it perfect.  We picked a remote location on the outskirts of town, announced it on Facebook, and prepared the area using passages from the Neoconicon.  Flamboyant decoys were then placed around a table located directly over the portal.”

After she took the bait, no injuries were reported.  However, a pink Versace shirt and several matching accessories were irreparably damaged.  The Elton John impersonator also reports suffering an “awful fright.”

The unnamed spokesperson denies Sarah Palin will be a target of any future black magic ops, “No, no, Bachmann was the only genuine succubus in politics, Palin is more of a Foxgoblin.”  

Pierce Pissed About Private Pool Putzes

Pierce Pissed About Personal Pool Putzes
Pierce Winslow

I have come to the conclusion that most people who own a pool should not. They have no idea how they work, how to take care of them, or how to keep their kids from floating face-down in them on national TV. Of course, Casey Anthony figured out how to parley her mother’s pool into an acquittal, but the vast majority of the rest are oxygen thieves. We’ll start with the mundane…

Most people who own a pool have no idea how to maintain it. I went to the pool store recently to buy an $84 bucket of calcium hypochlorite and a $13 bottle of water test strips. While perusing the rack of test strip choices (not unlike choosing at a strip bar, but with fewer redheads), I happened to be parked right next to the counter where the employees of the store test the water of the pool-owners—the population incapable of doing it themselves. There were two employees furiously working the line that ran to the back of the store. It was the day after a major thunderstorm, which will totally screw up your chemistry, and the masses were lost.

Some woman came to the desk. The unfortunate employee responsible for servicing her started with an innocuous question, “How does your pool look today?” The fool. The woman responded by saying her pool looked like a glass of milk, and that her husband had been at the store a day or two before and he was told some $42 worth of chemicals would remedy his problem.  He, of course, had refused to buy it because of the cost. Now the woman was there to spend the $42 and clear up the problem, as they were having guests that afternoon. I laughed out loud. This is, sadly, indicative of the intelligence of the typical pool owner. Nothing is going to clear it up in a couple of hours, moron. How long have you had this pool? I can’t imagine this is the first time you converted the water to sludge.

Maintaining a pool requires five things: eighth grade chemistry skills (only to truly understand what’s going on, but optional), fifth grade math skills, third grade reading skills, pre-school color recognition skills, and high school drop-out scoop-and-dump skills.

Note the expert six-year-old hands performing the test
Note the expert six-year-old
hands performing the test

Start with the water test. Buy the strips, dip one in, wait 15 seconds, compare the colors on the strip to the colors on the bottle that the strip came in. Do they match? If so your wife is pregnant…wait, wrong test. This procedure takes about the same ability to open a non-child proof bottle.  Take out a strip and dip it into the water. My eldest daughter opened her first child-proof bottle at about 18 months, and could count to 15 by two years. She could also dip French fries into ketchup (yeah, Heinz dammit; there is no substitute), so I presume she could dip the strip into water. The color matching may be a bit more complex, so let’s summon the skills required for a two-and-a-half-year-old.  l looked back at that long line at the pool store with a snicker.

There are four chemical levels you really need to monitor. The others, regardless of what the pool store that sells that $90/gallon algaecide says, are generally superfluous (we call that a Zano here at the Discord). Anyway, the levels of these chemicals build upon each other. If you try to set them in the wrong order you will fail. You will waste tons of expensive chemicals, and you will have cloudy, or infected, or algae-filled water. Learn the fucking order: 1. total hardness, 2. total alkalinity, 3. Ph, 4. free chlorine. And if you forget, look at the test strip. Coincidentally, they are in the same order on the strip.  Shit, she’s pregnant. 

Total hardness is generally a no-brainer. Depending upon the water coming out of your faucet, you probably won’t have to adjust it, ever. The other three are all handled in the same way: check the back of the bucket of chemicals and find out how much you need to add per volume (gallons) to move the level a particular amount. Generally the numbers are pretty straight forward. If your Ph is at 6.7 and needs to be at 7.0 (again, as told by your test strip) you need to move it by 0.3. If your chemical requires 1 pound per 10,000 gallons to move the Ph by 0.1 then you need 3 pounds per 10,000 gallons to move it 0.3. If you have 15,000 gallons of water in your pool*, then you need 4.5 fucking pounds of the fucking shit to fix your fucking water.

* If you don’t know the volume of your pool, either call a pool service to do everything for you, or call an excavator to come fill the pool in and plant some flowers.

Moving on, pools aren’t free. They aren’t the most expensive things on the planet but I’m sick of hearing people who just had to have that pool then bitch about the maintenance cost. If you’re gonna bitch about the cost of your pool then sell your house or call an excavator to come fill the pool in.  Oh, you should also do this if the pool has upset an Indian burial ground.

People drown in pools. Water is dangerous. You can drown on a tablespoon of water; imagine what 15,000 gallons can do, unless you’re Rosie O’Donnell. You always see people in the news (except on Fox) that were doing things around the house while the kids swim. Then one youngin’ croaks (hopefully the pool owners’ so as to cut off the genetic line). Not only should these people not have a pool, they should not have children. If you’re having a pool party, hire a 15 year old certified lifeguard for three hours. That way you can neglect your children, get loaded, and have some peace of mind to go with your small piece of mind for a lousy $15.

Once upon a time (cue the wavy, blurry screen transition), I was at a friend’s back-yard wedding where they had a pool (nice one too; they have $$$; way overkill on the filtration system though; come on, two filters? Puh-lease). Everyone was running around getting loaded, throwing cake, etc. so no one was watching their kids in the pool. A friend, a fellow pool-owner, and I commented on this and hung out next to the pool while we weren’t standing in line for a drink (the caterer’s service was beyond terrible). At one point some kid got into trouble, serious trouble. Did the other kids help? No, of course not, they’re kids. They bolted for the hills. I kicked off my shoes, jumped in and pulled the poor sap out of the pool. All I got for my efforts was a dirty look as he bolted and joined the pre-bolted kids; a lot of grief from other wedding guests about being soaking wet; and diaper rash from walking around in soaking wet clothes for the rest of the night. No one even noticed that it had even happened, except my friend, who was kind enough to hold my drink through the whole thing. And he didn’t even drink it; I would have drunk his…but I’m a dick.

Anyway, my friend gave me a chuck on the shoulder and an “atta boy” and that was it. Strangely, the pool was empty until sometime later when the bride and groom started chicken fights in there, still in their wedding garb. I wasn’t about to pull any of them out. Anyway, it would have served the parents, and the pool owners right to let the kid sink like that guy in Titanic (well, those 1500 guys in Titanic). I have no patience for stupidity or laziness, which reminds me, “Zano, you’re fired!” It would have been very gratifying to see the notoriety, the litigation, the subsequent deportation to Canada and that country’s refusal to accept them…but, then again, I hate to see a perfectly good pool ruined by a decaying body. It would take two days to clean that mess up. OK,one day.

So, to wrap up what could be a three day rant, if you are a pool owner and are unwilling to take care of it then you are a lazy sack of shit. If you are unable to take care of it, you are a moron. If you complain about paying for it, just shut the fuck up. If you are unwilling to monitor it then you need to be taken out and maimed. If you are any of the above then you should be neutered and your children should be terminated in an effort to chlorinate the gene pool.  

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you got ejected from Kimball’s bar again last week.  Nice.

Detritus

Williamsport, PA

Dear Detritus,

What you call an ejection, I call a spiritual retreat.  You are supposed to ask a question, thus the name of my column, so I will take this opportunity to ask you a question:

Why are you so focused on the actions of others, my friend?  Or were you the one I set on fire during my Bacchanalian Medical Marijuana seminar?

The Ghetto Shaman

Rent-a-Center…I Think We Should See Other People

Rent-a-Center...I Think We Should See Other People
Mick Zano

Whenever my laptop takes a crap, every few months it seems, I send it to Dell and then march over to my local Rent-a-Center for a temporary replacement…all in the name of keeping this exciting e-zine percolating.  This will be my last visit to Rent-a-Center and this time it’s not because of the beer-soaked flat-screen incident.

This time I even called first, which I never do, and was told, “We don’t rent laptops by the week anymore, only by the month.”  So I called the other Rent-a-Center in town, expecting the same, but the lady said, “Sure, weekly’s fine.”

An hour later I am at the desk arguing that very point. 

Of course, the last person on the phone was mistaken.  “But monthly is our new policy.”

Eventually, with some haggling on my part, they agreed to a weekly rate and they handed me that awful 17 page form.  Have you seen these?  They’re like waaaay to long to fill out on your lunch break. 

“Ummm, why can’t you use the form I filled out the last time I was here?”

“Sorry, you always have to fill out a new one for each rental.”

So I spew out a number of fictional references and list NASA as my employer—you know, the usual—and then hand it to the guy with my credit card.

“Ahh, we don’t take credit cards, we’re going to have to check your references.”

“Ummm, the references on the sheet?”  I don’t even remember what I wrote already.

So this guy comes back in about five minutes.  “Umm, the first two numbers didn’t work and the third number is Phoenix Children’s Hospital.”

“Yeah, ahhh, they know me there…. Look, dude, why are you calling for references?  I rent here all the time, there’s never been a problem (I left out the beer-soaked flat-screen incident).  How about if I use this place as my reference?”

He proceeded to explained how they no longer take credit cards as collateral so they must check references.   

“So I need to give you three names with three phone numbers that match?”

I don’t remember names and numbers and stuff, thus the Arabic Pig Latin I usually enter into such forms.  I thought about leaving but then I thought about Mr. Winslow, our Commander and Thief over at the Discord.  

“Where’s that post, Zano!  What am I paying you for, Zano! I said two coats of wax, Zano!” and “You’re cutting too close the cuticle, Zano!” 

Then I thought of the fans, or in our case, fan—no, not the one I use to fan Mr. Winslow.  So I did what anyone would have done, I gave them all the people working on my psych unit at that particular moment in time.  I knew the numbers and I knew who would be answering the phones.  These loyal colleagues apparently verified my good name, so I didn’t have to fire anyone.  In just under two hours I was able to walk out with a laptop for one week for 23 bucks.  In fact, I am typing this anti Rent-a-Center rhetoric with one of their rented Toshibas, the bastards.   But I did let them know on the way out the door my tenure here at happy acres was winding down.   Next time my Dell craps out, don’t be surprised if the same joke scrolls across our marquee for a couple of weeks.   Oh, that happens anyway?  I’ll have to look into that. 

You would think our story ends here…but it doesn’t.  The next day the rumors started at work that I was applying for a job at….yep, at the Rent-a-Center!!!!!  I guess they were a little vague about the type of reference. 

Oh, and get this, after asking my employees about how responsible or not I am, they asked them if they wanted to rent anything today.  Spamming my peeps?   Really?  Is there a Loaner Loft in town somewhere?  Geesh. 

“Job Creators” Discuss Plans for Massive Pyramid Complex

"Job Creators" Discuss Plans for Massive Pyramid Complex

The 427 individuals who now own the majority of the wealth in the United States are enslaving everyone else for the purpose of creating their extravagant burial chambers.   According to the Hopi, the Mayan, and that bald guy from Ghost Hunters, the need for large megalithic structures have occurred cyclically throughout history.  And those stars are aligned once again, signifying the onset of the granddaddy of all pyramid schemes.

Those jobs are finally here!  All you need to do is put on the harness—already en-route to your home—and then report to your designated quarry.  These are shovel-ready jobs, minus the shovel.  Due to the inherent dangers and mortality rates, there will be no workman’s compensation plans.  Oh, and if you mention the word “union” you will become a permanent fixture, so to speak.  Don’t worry Conservative types, this is just what our forepharaohs envisioned.  These are American jobs designed for real Americans. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna has addressed some of the skeptics.

“Think of it as a countrywide megalithic Jenga game. Look, the Egyptians built these things in a very arid region, thousands of years ago, under much harsher conditions.”

Although, Dr. Hogbein does admit the Koch Brother’s decision to build in the Everglades “should prove interesting.”

These mandatory opportunities will not only create jobs, but they will lower instances of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease across our great nation…at least for the survivors.  

Arizona’s Asphalt Jungle: why the City of Glendale can stick its Corrugated Drainpipe up its own Drainpipe

The Crank

As I sit here at my place of employment, gazing out at what has become the biggest fiasco-slash-cluster fuck of any city utility improvement project ever, I can’t help but think, wow, there really are more incompetent people than at the dailydiscord.com.  Hey, if you hyperlink to where you already are does that create a virtual wormhole?  Try it.

It started almost one year ago, when the City of Glendale, AZ, sent a letter warning all those businesses potentially effected that the city was about to embark on a mission to install a six-foot diameter drainpipe down the center of  Northern Ave. This pipe would re-route the massive amount of water we here, in the DESERT, need. Set to take a reported three months, it’s been about ten now, but who’s counting?  Well, I am, because for most of the time they have been at this, it has been nearly impossible to egress or ingress the parking lot from which I derive my income.  The Discord only pays me in Twinkies, you see.  I’m not complaining, but rent money would be nice too.

When they first started this, the lovely lady from the City of Glendale, in charge of traffic flow for the project, came to my place of employ for a meet and greet. She then made what was to become the biggest mistake of her life. She gave me her cell phone number and said to call her with any complaints/questions. As she did so, I giggled, knowing full well that this New Yorker—pre-destined by his gene pool to spend the rest of his life on the surface of the Sun—was gonna have some ‘fun’ with this traffic flow lady.

First, they took the four lanes of traffic down to two outside lanes, closing off all left turns in either direction indefinitely. That was the start of the ‘round robin,’ the ‘you can’t get there from here’ madness that was to become the flow of traffic around my workplace going on for nearly a year. With little else to do, as there was only sound of crickets in my driveway, I watched them as they dug up a large trench down the middle of the road to install a six-foot diameter corrugated drainpipe. They then filled and paved the trench…little did I realize, this would be the first of many times.

When they got to the intersection of 61st Avenue and West Northern, they exhumed the pipe hole a total of six times. Each time doing something, like: running a power line, then filling and paving, then re-exhumation, then run a telephone line, then refilling and repaving, ad nauseam.  Then they re-exhumed the beast to run a gas line, followed by some more refilling and repaving. A total six times total, over six months. Still no left turns anywhere. I was reduced to reading the Daily Discord hourly (not recommended). When someone would actually come in to my place of business, it was usually a worker or rent-a-cop to use the bathroom. When they finally got done with the intersection, they went on to a dozen other intersections, doing the same fucking crap-dance for each one. I guess the thought of scheduling ALL of the utilities there AT THE SAME TIME was a foreign concept to them.

By this time, the only people filling our parking lot were workers from the project (even the crickets had moved on because of all the noise). Soon after another complaint to the traffic flow lady, a large hard hatted fellow burst into my store…surely to intimidate me into passivity, as it were. He did not figure on me. As he started his rant about “just doing his job” I slowly stood up. It was then that the hard hatted man got an earful of angry New Yawker.

“I don’t get a salary like you, I am full commission, and I have to sell something to get any. And your fucking trucks are blocking the few clients I have left from accessing my store.  So MOVE THEM NOW, Bob the Blunder!”

In ten minutes they were gone, never to appear again.

With the workers temporarily away from our business, we thought we would soon return to normal. That was not to be the case, oh no. We received a notice that the, now buried-like-James-fucking-Hoffa, drainpipe had failed its test. A test they did after it was installed. And well covered. And paved over. And guess what? Yup, it all had to come out. All the utilities had to be re-exhumed and re-routed and a new pipe needed to be installed. It all was happening again, like a bad fucking dream.  It was kind of like that movie Groundhog Day only slightly more repetitive.  I guess this is some of Obama’s ‘shovel ready’ jobs…jobs designed to bury my own.

As this was all going down, I was in, shall we say, constant touch with the traffic flow lady. She was by now feeling the full-blown effect of her previous decision to give me her number. It was not good for her, but it did help alleviate the urges to commit mass murder that I was having at the time.

Now, keep in mind, all of this was week day-daytime only work.  You know, union type 9am to 5 pm, no nights, no weekends.  Nothing to “upset the residents,” or so I was told. Upset the residents? This was all to appease the ‘residents’ so that the once per millennia we have rain it would not leak into their poorly designed houses?  Fuck them.  Keep them up all weekend for all I care.  Did I mention this is a business district?

After eight months, watching six of my co-workers take ‘the final trip home’ due to the drop off in business, they told us they were about to do the final paving and striping. Final, well…not so much.  These people’s idea of final is worse than those Final Destination producers.

First, they had to dig up all the asphalt that was the result of eight months of cluster-fucking, plus some 30 years filling potholes and repaving. They then had to lay down two layers of asphalt. All this meant the re-closing of various lanes over various weeks. They got about two thirds of the way done with the final coat, when all work stopped. For about two weeks the pylons were there, but no one was working. Then came the news: the initial layer of asphalt had failed ITS test, a test done after it was down and covered.

Then the lovely Vogon-type, planet-devouring machines returned…the ones that eat asphalt like I eat Twinkies. Have you ever been near such a device as it was happily eating fresh laid asphalt? Fillings get loosened, windows vibrate, bladders lose their loads, and tempers flare. By this point I was calling the poor traffic lady hourly but was only getting her voicemail (wonder why?).  I adapted to this by just screaming into the phone for as long as the message would allow.

Yesterday the final striping went down. I fully expected to come in this morning and see something I haven’t seen in almost a year, a road unencumbered by cones and workers—a silent road. It was then I saw the men with the air powered hammers cutting a large trench across the newly laid and striped asphalt. Traffic flow lady’s phone had been completely disconnected at this point.  The only good move she’d made in months.

As the Philatrenchia Experiment continues, keep in mind, I have watched the City of New York rebuild two-million-cars-a-day roads, like the Cross Bronx Expressway, without ever closing it. They worked all nights and weekends and managed to keep all lanes open each and every rush hour.  If they failed at this, there were fines aplenty. They also gave the construction companies a large bonus for work done early. What a concept, huh Arizona?  Meanwhile, does anyone know the new number of that traffic flow lady?

English Bobbies to Quell Riots by Saying Stop…Again

English Bobbies to Quell Riots by Saying Stop…Again

London, GB—London Police would like to send a stern message to the rioters currently assailing their fair city.  This message is packed with sharp criticism, harsh tones, and less than subtle innuendo.    

Chief Constable Barry Higgins had this to say, “We are not only prepared to say our traditional ‘stop or we’ll say stop again’ number, but we are prepared to say stop as many times as it takes!”

The constable actually said this somewhat congenially during our interview, but insisted we add the exclamation point.  

When asked about authorizing the use of plastic bullets, Constable Higgins said, “No, but we are prepared to use bouts of sarcasm.  A focused stream of satirical quips will sting far worse than any plastic, non-biodegradable, bullets any day.”

Constable Higgins has not ruled out the use of puns but only in “extreme situations” and, as for double entendres, Higgins fears they will, “Go over the head of this lot.”  He therefore recommends a more mocking rancor designed to strike a devastating sarcastic blow to the heart of such common rabble.

Higgins feels the English bobby has a reputation to uphold, and that it’s “time to take a bite out of crime.” He then added, “But not literally, of course.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was in a public restroom stall the other day and the guy next to me was humming that song, the one that goes, “I hear the secrets that you keep when you’re talking in your sleep.” I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. Do you think I need therapy or something?

The Mad Hoopster

Dear MH,

…or something. Who am I Dr. fucking Phil? Look, you should never take a dump in a public restroom; that’s why God gave us the alley.

The Ghetto Shaman

You Say You Want a Revolution?

Mick Zano

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one.  It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, “Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work.”

The group of Americans all fired up and ready to start shooting shit need to take a chill pill.  Luckily, you can probably score some from that Medicare drug supplemental plan you never funded.  Let’s not forget, a lot of this is your fault and, more importantly, when we need you for the real action, you’ll be AWOL. Your brave and fiery movement is destined to die the day a Republican returns to the Oval Office.  Trust me on this.  It will be business as usual. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.  By the time you figure it all out…who I am kidding? You’re never going to figure it out.  I saw this show already. I remember when Fox News switched from “all is well” while Bush was burying us to “take out the black guy” while Obama was still picking out his curtains. 

Watching the degeneration of Repulicana has been painful. How could they possibly get any worse?  It’s unimaginable.  It’s not something even I, on my most cynical day, could have predicted.  I maintain that 40% of our country is prepared to prop up a conservative likely to be more damaging than Bush.  Texas Governor Rick Perry?  Really?  Here’s a guy who seems not only to have drank from the Cup of Stupid but actually forged it himself in the fiery depths of Mt. Dim.  How do you find a Texas Governor nuttier than Bush?  Someone had to have looked under a Texas-sized rock to unleash that magic. 

A letter to today’s Republicans:

Your ill-advised, ill-informed uprising is a sideshow distraction.  You have no idea what’s happening, no idea how we got here, and no idea how to fix things.  The rest of us can’t even figure anything out anymore because of all the rubbernecking delays caused by this sad excuse for a movement.  The accident that is your revolution is drawing everyone’s attention away from the real issues of our day.  I still believe, Sanjaya!

You’re using our collapse—the one you helped create—to drive some crazy-assed agenda. You can stop this shift downward toward the least common denominator anytime now.  You would be better served to just stop and let someone take the reins of this little movement.  I am offering my services…for a small fee.

Don’t you get it?  There’s such a credibility gap in Republicana that if and when you really do break any news, no one else is going to believe it.  That’s my fear.  You are marginalized and ignored, and rightly so, but what happens if you get something right?  It could happen…maybe.  Thus far I have yet to see anything productive or meaningful come out of your discourse. 

Things are certainly wrong with our government, but, as I’ve said, the movement we should be having has been hijacked by morons.  You are going off all half-cocked about all the wrong shit.  Your anger is being orchestrated. You’re being played by some puppet master.  Your revolution has a script…a script written by some tycoon somewhere.  Only those who are truly sick of both parties should be leading any kind of revolution. Transcosmetic Party anyone?  You don’t even realize this is a revolution by Foxy, er…by proxy.  Your revolution died the moment you let Fox News run your little insurrection.  That’s like having Heinrich Himmler run for office in Germany in 1946. 

Besides, the real leader of your movement, Ron Paul, is being completely marginalized by that same evil entity.  Why?  Because he understands how much Fox News is part of the problem.  He embarrassed them in 2004. He is truly a ‘pox on both your houses’ dude.  They don’t want that; they want a Bush to correct all of the problems started by….er, Bush. 

Name one agenda item of yours that differs from the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world and you’ll have my attention.  You can’t, because Mr. Burns is funding your revolution and is authoring your talking points and stoking your fury (hint: against all rhyme or reason you’re still championing Bush’s policies. Really? America is so dense it can’t even pull off a proper revolution!  AhhhHhHh! 

That’s a great plan.  Let me know how that works out for you. 

Respectfully deposited,

Mick Zano

Meanwhile, Michele Check-Her-Clozaril-Level Bachmann vows to tear down the EPA when she gets into office.  Who does that benefit?  Well, in her defense, she thinks the EPA stands for Evil Progressives for Abortion.  And if I hear one more cognitively impaired person say “we have a spending problem not a revenue problem”…duh.  But you spent the shit!  You cheered on Incurious George for those unfunded wars and those unfunded programs and the policies that brought us here.  Hey, I got it!  Forget the stimulus, how about a real compromise?  We’ll only raise revenues (let the Bush tax cut expire for the rich) to pay for those Republican policies, aka, those unfunded toys you voted for.  I’m talking about the policies—not the price tag under one president—but the policy debacles Republicans spawned and fomented over the last decade, aka, Iraq until it’s finished…not Iraq until a Democrat is in power.  Then we can resume the Bush tax cuts for all…just as soon as you pay for the shit you broke (aka, the shit I didn’t want, but the stuff you ‘fiscal conservative’ types continue to champion).

I have been calling for a revolution too, but I just want one that makes some bloody sense.  If your “revolution” consists of a series of Fox News talking points you can leave me out. And if you think many people with an IQ over 90 are going to get behind anyone currently leading the Tea Party, you’re…er, under 90.  Frankly, this is how not to start a revolution.  If I hear one more time on Fox, “the left is out of excuses, it’s all they have left.”  What?  I’m still waiting, years later, to find one thing the Republicans have ever gotten right.  I ask, in many of my neurotically repetitive posts, when has anyone ever said, thank God we listened to those folks over at Fox?  I guess it’s a rhetorical question at this point.  It’s like a Zen paradox…something to meditate on, like The Ghetto Shaman’s “sound of one cheek farting.”  You’ve been duped, revolutionary peeps. An original thought hasn’t come out of your heads yet, and when it does it will be immediately refudiated!

Sesame Street Still Forcing Ernie & Bert to Live a Lie

Sesame Street Still Forcing Ernie & Bert to Live a Lie

Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against “The Street’s” decision to define the roommates as “just friends without benefits.” 

“It was an executive decision that we were not a part of,” said Bert.  “And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!”

Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions.  “They alluded to it,” said Bert.  “PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband.  We got the hint.”

Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.

“Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk,” said Ernie.  “Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse.”

Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples. 

“At least we still have imminent domain rights,” said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky “for a good many years.”

The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.

U.S. Border Fence with Mexico Replaced with Banana Peels

Alex Bone

In a desperate effort to not only protect our borders, but to save the American tax payer’s money, the U.S. Senate has authorized the United States’ southern border be lined with millions of banana peels.

Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, had this to say, “You will soon see pre-peeled bananas in your grocery stores for no extra charge. En route from Mexico we will continuously peel the bananas imported from Mexico and place them along the nearly 1,300 miles of as yet unprotected border. This will create good American jobs that match our current educational prowess.”

Corporal Bob Saget had this to say, “Well, you see ha, ha, ha. We also have these hidden cameras ha, ha, ha. When they try to cross and slip, we’ll air the whole scene on our newest show World’s Stupidist Illegal Aliens. One guy landed on a cactus and we got this awesome nut shot, ha, ha, ha.”

The head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Lisa Jackson, added, “The peels are effective and biodegradable. As for interrupting animal migrational patterns, it’s only going to affect the really stupid ones already slated for extinction.” The dodo bird was unavailable for comment. “Those few species impacted may also inspire another show, World’s Stupidist Desert Animals,” said Jackson.

Senator John McCain (AZ) had this to say, “My original idea, at least for Arizona, was to line the border with land mines, but this proved unpopular in recent polling. We seem to be having our own liberal migratory issues these days. I didn’t originally like the banana peel idea, but then I realized Mexicans are a proud people and showing up on Bob Fagots show during prime time will embarrass the refried beans out of them.”

Is this sheer idiocy or pure genius? What we do know is banana stocks are one of the only stocks on the rise this week. As the U.S. slides into the realm of Banana Republic, this may somehow be a fitting end to America. Let’s not forget what Snork from the Banana Splits told us nearly four decades ago, “Let’s have a load of banana fun, a lot of fun for everyone…except those damned illegals!”